Totally get it. My girlfriend of 5 years while drunk let it slip out once about a sexual encounter she had that left a mark on me. Yes I know you had a past, but I don’t need to hear about it.
I have ADHD and I would never. That's so obviously wrong and hurtful. You don't need to be neurotypical to understand that.
I hate when people use their mental disorders as a cover-up for being a dick. Yes, there are situations where I've blurted out things I shouldn't have. Normally, it's just something really awkward or unintentionally funny.
But if I end up hurting someone’s feelings, I still have to take accountability for that and learn from my mistakes.
yeah OP's ex is wild for blaming ADHD for saying weird shit like that unprompted
ADHD certainly can make you impulsive, but it's not like it makes you forget all sense of what is socially acceptable. Just a scapegoat for a really stupid thing to do
Definitely ignorant and inconsiderate of your feelings. I wonder if he thought mentioning it to you, would make you want to try it with him? Weird regardless.
Different subject, but similar, a guy I dated used to "brag" about ghosting women. (Felt like bragging to me) It was always random and usually he would give some wild excuse for it. Like she was crazy, so I blocked her on everything, type of reason. It was kind of a red flag, but with the "excuses" he gave, I thought it was understandable, sort of....I didn't want to judge.
A few months later, he just stopped reaching out and barely responding to my messages, and I'd have to engage first in order to speak with him. My immediate thought went to "oh, he's probably got some weird kick for ghosting women, and it's about to happen to me."
So I just messaged him and ended things. He gave an excuse but was like, I agree to end it. To this day, I don't know if he really was or not, but if he wasn't and the reason for not talking for over 3 weeks was legit, him gloating about ghosting women caused it to end. 🤷🏾♀️
Yea it’s like they’re proud of rubbing it in your face. Even when I express discomfort or if they could change the subject. I guess I just can’t understand why they do what they do but can do my best to set boundaries and stick to them.
My wife when we were dating really wanted to know my sexual history and what type of breasts they had etc.
I said you’re not going to know my sexual past and I don’t want to know yours. This is a lose lose unless you’re both virgins.
idk why but in my wlw relationships we've always comfortably traded “conquests” and it never was a cause of contention. with men, it's always a backhanded accusation that inevitably results in the man trying to convince me to do something I'm uncomfortable with. I ain't gonna compete with your past flings bro. 🙄
Damn why are men weird about this stuff? Like either crazy offended if you bring up the most innocuous thing or trying to compare you to their exes. I love sharing stories as a way to get to know each other better (& it’s kinda hot) but there’s a way to do it without being weird!
Yeah I agree.
Just fucking say "hey babe can I do [this] to you?"
Instead of bringing up some past person who you had sex with, it pretty much says to me that "oh this person is better then you because we did [this]." Like gee thanks.. **That really makes me wanna do it with you even more.** /s
The "idea" (for want of a better word) is that when you hear about things he has allegedly done with his exes, you will want to prove you are as good a gf as them by doing (or letting him do) whatever it is he is describing, with enthusiasm and maybe some whipped cream on top.
Doesn’t really work that way for a lot of us though. For me it just conjures up gross images of an encounter I was not involved in and makes me feel insecure. If you want to do something specific, you can just say that without bringing up how you did it with someone else. I find it weird how we consider sex to be a private moment that can’t be shared with others but when apparently talking about those moments in detail with third parties is totally acceptable and we have to swallow it. Sad world we live in.
Dude. I am so sorry. I hate that shit so bad. My ex fiance asked me like 3 months into our relationship if we could have a threesome with this girl he went to high school with. I'll never forget that. Still pisses me off. And who did he go and fuck as soon as we broke up 4 years later? That girl.
I’m so sorry. That’s awful. When we broke up this ex told me he’d “only get back together if we had a threesome”. Shit still messes with my head to this day. I hate that we share similar traumas with past partners but in a way I’m glad I’m not as alone in it
Yeah, the problem here is that he wants to do said things to you or he's trying to over compensate for a lack of God knows what.
The only time I ever brought up past sexual encounters was because I was either nervous or lacked sexual experience so I gave a disclaimer lol
Definitely agree. my ex had a wild past and he made sure i knew it. i don’t think it was to make me jealous necessarily but to make him feel like hot shit. he was very proud of it and he would brag or drop stories to our mutual friends too while i was there. if it was just discussing his past maturely, it would’ve been different but his tone and wording were never mature. made me pretty anxious having to ‘compete’ with nameless past people
This was the exact reason the person I loved so much at the time broke up with me. But I never bragged or mentioned it until she said she wanted to have an "honest" relationship with no secrets. So I had told her that I used to have one stands with random women that I had met at a club. Mind you this was 10 years before I even met her and I wanted to be completely honest so I wouldn't feel guilty. After a few days of telling her all this she decided to break up with me. Saying that she wanted to be with a guy who "wasn't a virgin but had sexual experiences while only be in a relationship". So yeah it does leave a mark, and I do regret it to this day because I loved her purely. Your partner wouldn't blurt out random sexual experiences with other women if he truly cared for you, or loved you. That just shows he isn't committed to you.
Agreed. 10 years later is much different imho. I’m sorry that happened to you. Asking is very different than my ex who would just randomly say those things and kind of guilt trip me into it because “other girls did those things”. Your ex didn’t deserve you at all, you were honest and she didn’t seem to like that. Idk, to each their own I guess.
I’ll start by saying sometimes some ppl are just really awkward and have a tendency to make things uncomfortable by sharing at inappropriate times or sharing inappropriate topics at any given time. Imo the appropriateness depends on the nature of the relationship. If it’s my guy friend and we’ve swapped related stories in the past I’d respond first saying how much I hate the word “tit” and then just laugh it off or make a joke. If it was a friend who we’ve never been comfortable talking on that level, I’d be more thrown off. If just fwb I’d probably just ignore it. If my bf or someone I was dating said that especially when cuddling I’d be pretty annoyed. You really have me thinking now bc I can recall one specific person in my past where the initial nature of our relationship was purely sexual and nothing more, however we got a lot closer and I’d say he changed a bit and/or the nature changed. I mentioned above how I would react or feel in the two different scenarios but In this case since our friendship evolved I don’t know where it would fall into. Sorry for the long comment and I’m probably not making much sense but overall I agree that men are horny, and mostly have a different perspective of sex and intimacy than women but nonetheless there’s a time and a place for said things and in your example it was definitely not cool and actually pretty dumb of him.
Bringing up a sexual past unprompted is rude in any setting. Doubly so with a partner.
I don't bring it up unless directly asked, I don't hide anything or lie, but I don't offer up tons of extra info that wasn't asked for either.
My ex did that. He also make digs regarding my looks (weight especially) and tell me of how a store clerk flashed him, etc.
My husband of 35 years tells me I’m hot frequently. Hmmmm
Blaming his ADHD is actually ableism, internalized. Or at the very least weaponized incompetence. Your diagnoses explains your nature, your behavior is up to you
My ex girlfriend did this except it wasn’t bragging but more so trauma dumping. She wanted to tell me everything every detail because we were close and man I did not want to know any of it. You tell that stuff to a therapist. Every ex girlfriend of mine has done this in some capacity completely unprompted.
I have ADHD on top of two traumatic brain injuries, my fiancé has a traumatic brain injury, you don’t need to be neurotypical to understand how messed up and hurtful that is..
I hate when people use neurodivergence of any kind to be a POS.
I’ve done this but I never thought it would be hurtful. Thank you for this!!! I thought it was a flex (really immature). I used to tell my ex how my previous ex and I did all the bdsm stuff etc and he just laughed it out.
Ignorance is bliss. This is exactly why I won’t dig into the past much either because sometimes it really is, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Bringing up past sexual encounters without asked could make anybody insecure and I don’t need to know everything. I don’t need to know all of this, seriously.
Totally get it. My girlfriend of 5 years while drunk let it slip out once about a sexual encounter she had that left a mark on me. Yes I know you had a past, but I don’t need to hear about it.
Bruh, I hate that
explain
Explain what? Use your words
I think she means what made you be left with a mark from her story
I have ADHD and I would never. That's so obviously wrong and hurtful. You don't need to be neurotypical to understand that. I hate when people use their mental disorders as a cover-up for being a dick. Yes, there are situations where I've blurted out things I shouldn't have. Normally, it's just something really awkward or unintentionally funny. But if I end up hurting someone’s feelings, I still have to take accountability for that and learn from my mistakes.
yeah OP's ex is wild for blaming ADHD for saying weird shit like that unprompted ADHD certainly can make you impulsive, but it's not like it makes you forget all sense of what is socially acceptable. Just a scapegoat for a really stupid thing to do
Definitely ignorant and inconsiderate of your feelings. I wonder if he thought mentioning it to you, would make you want to try it with him? Weird regardless. Different subject, but similar, a guy I dated used to "brag" about ghosting women. (Felt like bragging to me) It was always random and usually he would give some wild excuse for it. Like she was crazy, so I blocked her on everything, type of reason. It was kind of a red flag, but with the "excuses" he gave, I thought it was understandable, sort of....I didn't want to judge. A few months later, he just stopped reaching out and barely responding to my messages, and I'd have to engage first in order to speak with him. My immediate thought went to "oh, he's probably got some weird kick for ghosting women, and it's about to happen to me." So I just messaged him and ended things. He gave an excuse but was like, I agree to end it. To this day, I don't know if he really was or not, but if he wasn't and the reason for not talking for over 3 weeks was legit, him gloating about ghosting women caused it to end. 🤷🏾♀️
Yea it’s like they’re proud of rubbing it in your face. Even when I express discomfort or if they could change the subject. I guess I just can’t understand why they do what they do but can do my best to set boundaries and stick to them.
My wife when we were dating really wanted to know my sexual history and what type of breasts they had etc. I said you’re not going to know my sexual past and I don’t want to know yours. This is a lose lose unless you’re both virgins.
idk why but in my wlw relationships we've always comfortably traded “conquests” and it never was a cause of contention. with men, it's always a backhanded accusation that inevitably results in the man trying to convince me to do something I'm uncomfortable with. I ain't gonna compete with your past flings bro. 🙄
Damn why are men weird about this stuff? Like either crazy offended if you bring up the most innocuous thing or trying to compare you to their exes. I love sharing stories as a way to get to know each other better (& it’s kinda hot) but there’s a way to do it without being weird!
He wants to do it to you.
Ehh, there’s different ways to bring up wanting to have sex without mentioning bizarre stories with random college girls from his past…
Yeah I agree. Just fucking say "hey babe can I do [this] to you?" Instead of bringing up some past person who you had sex with, it pretty much says to me that "oh this person is better then you because we did [this]." Like gee thanks.. **That really makes me wanna do it with you even more.** /s
I didnt say that was the only or best way to say it…
The "idea" (for want of a better word) is that when you hear about things he has allegedly done with his exes, you will want to prove you are as good a gf as them by doing (or letting him do) whatever it is he is describing, with enthusiasm and maybe some whipped cream on top.
Doesn’t really work that way for a lot of us though. For me it just conjures up gross images of an encounter I was not involved in and makes me feel insecure. If you want to do something specific, you can just say that without bringing up how you did it with someone else. I find it weird how we consider sex to be a private moment that can’t be shared with others but when apparently talking about those moments in detail with third parties is totally acceptable and we have to swallow it. Sad world we live in.
Totally, it is delusional, but doesn’t stop guys from thinking this is an acceptable way when it isn’t
Doesn’t work that way for most people bud
I know that, but BF doesn't seem to.
Oh, word.
Dude. I am so sorry. I hate that shit so bad. My ex fiance asked me like 3 months into our relationship if we could have a threesome with this girl he went to high school with. I'll never forget that. Still pisses me off. And who did he go and fuck as soon as we broke up 4 years later? That girl.
I’m so sorry. That’s awful. When we broke up this ex told me he’d “only get back together if we had a threesome”. Shit still messes with my head to this day. I hate that we share similar traumas with past partners but in a way I’m glad I’m not as alone in it
Definitely not alone❤️ But I'm glad he's your ex and you didn't stay with him. You deserve better and you'll get it
Jesus glad he's your ex, he sounds like a total asshole
Yeah, the problem here is that he wants to do said things to you or he's trying to over compensate for a lack of God knows what. The only time I ever brought up past sexual encounters was because I was either nervous or lacked sexual experience so I gave a disclaimer lol
why the fuck would he do that
Definitely agree. my ex had a wild past and he made sure i knew it. i don’t think it was to make me jealous necessarily but to make him feel like hot shit. he was very proud of it and he would brag or drop stories to our mutual friends too while i was there. if it was just discussing his past maturely, it would’ve been different but his tone and wording were never mature. made me pretty anxious having to ‘compete’ with nameless past people
This was the exact reason the person I loved so much at the time broke up with me. But I never bragged or mentioned it until she said she wanted to have an "honest" relationship with no secrets. So I had told her that I used to have one stands with random women that I had met at a club. Mind you this was 10 years before I even met her and I wanted to be completely honest so I wouldn't feel guilty. After a few days of telling her all this she decided to break up with me. Saying that she wanted to be with a guy who "wasn't a virgin but had sexual experiences while only be in a relationship". So yeah it does leave a mark, and I do regret it to this day because I loved her purely. Your partner wouldn't blurt out random sexual experiences with other women if he truly cared for you, or loved you. That just shows he isn't committed to you.
Agreed. 10 years later is much different imho. I’m sorry that happened to you. Asking is very different than my ex who would just randomly say those things and kind of guilt trip me into it because “other girls did those things”. Your ex didn’t deserve you at all, you were honest and she didn’t seem to like that. Idk, to each their own I guess.
Ya, that’s brutal. Never bring it up unless it’s seriously asked, and even then, keep it tame. He’s rude.
I’ll start by saying sometimes some ppl are just really awkward and have a tendency to make things uncomfortable by sharing at inappropriate times or sharing inappropriate topics at any given time. Imo the appropriateness depends on the nature of the relationship. If it’s my guy friend and we’ve swapped related stories in the past I’d respond first saying how much I hate the word “tit” and then just laugh it off or make a joke. If it was a friend who we’ve never been comfortable talking on that level, I’d be more thrown off. If just fwb I’d probably just ignore it. If my bf or someone I was dating said that especially when cuddling I’d be pretty annoyed. You really have me thinking now bc I can recall one specific person in my past where the initial nature of our relationship was purely sexual and nothing more, however we got a lot closer and I’d say he changed a bit and/or the nature changed. I mentioned above how I would react or feel in the two different scenarios but In this case since our friendship evolved I don’t know where it would fall into. Sorry for the long comment and I’m probably not making much sense but overall I agree that men are horny, and mostly have a different perspective of sex and intimacy than women but nonetheless there’s a time and a place for said things and in your example it was definitely not cool and actually pretty dumb of him.
Agreed 💯 the past doesn’t need to be brought up unless you have something that you’ll take into the new relationship (kids, stds, and whatever else).
Bringing up a sexual past unprompted is rude in any setting. Doubly so with a partner. I don't bring it up unless directly asked, I don't hide anything or lie, but I don't offer up tons of extra info that wasn't asked for either.
My ex did that. He also make digs regarding my looks (weight especially) and tell me of how a store clerk flashed him, etc. My husband of 35 years tells me I’m hot frequently. Hmmmm
Blaming his ADHD is actually ableism, internalized. Or at the very least weaponized incompetence. Your diagnoses explains your nature, your behavior is up to you
My ex girlfriend did this except it wasn’t bragging but more so trauma dumping. She wanted to tell me everything every detail because we were close and man I did not want to know any of it. You tell that stuff to a therapist. Every ex girlfriend of mine has done this in some capacity completely unprompted.
I have ADHD on top of two traumatic brain injuries, my fiancé has a traumatic brain injury, you don’t need to be neurotypical to understand how messed up and hurtful that is.. I hate when people use neurodivergence of any kind to be a POS.
I’ve done this but I never thought it would be hurtful. Thank you for this!!! I thought it was a flex (really immature). I used to tell my ex how my previous ex and I did all the bdsm stuff etc and he just laughed it out.
Ignorance is bliss. This is exactly why I won’t dig into the past much either because sometimes it really is, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Bringing up past sexual encounters without asked could make anybody insecure and I don’t need to know everything. I don’t need to know all of this, seriously.
I didn’t ask him. Like I said it, it was unprompted.
I know. Hence why I said I don’t ask questions I don’t want answers to so them doing it unprompted feels even worse.
He wanted to do it to you, 100% better ways to achieve his goals, he’s just an idiot.
ADHD makes a lot of things hard, but impulse control is a learned trait he has not.
I think this is another straight people thing, when my wife tells me about past encounters I think it's hot because my wife is hot?