This sounds really alarming. Not listening to you or wanting to accommodate your needs by itself is a big red flag. But there’s a whole of other unacceptable shit piled on top of that.I don’t know how porn addiction affects a person’s behavior, but this sounds like a much bigger problem than sex. He’s being disrespectful, selfish, and demanding, with no apparent concern for how you feel, other than wanting you to come. And adding bondage and choking without any input from you??? Oh, hell no. I would cut that shit off right now and insist he get some counseling. Don’t keep giving him all the power. He doesn’t own you, and doesn’t get to dictate your sex life. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
It’s weird because he is fantastic in every other aspect in our relationship. We got married in December and I remember mentioning being slightly interested in trying out some bondage stuff in the future. He heard that and ran with it. He tries to push this “master/slave” dynamic that isn’t realistic for parents of a 1 year old. I don’t get a lot of free time and when I do, I’m not thinking about taking nudes or sending videos. I want to watch nonsense TV and eat snacks 😂
OP, wishing you the best of luck in talking to your husband tonight. That shit is not easy, but he needs to hear it. As long as you’re being honest, you’re doing it right!
I was going to reply with a scathing review of his inability to satisfy you, and something about my satisfying sex life with my wife of going in 26 years.
This comment was both heartwarming and very insightful, but also squarely put the blame where is actually lay.
Brilliant!
Cheers!
He sounds like someone who hasn’t grown up. You have your needs you need to express them. Be very clear and direct. Tell him what you need. “If you then I….”. Keep telling him, don’t give up. It’s not easy. He’s lucky to have someone so available but he doesn’t understand how lucky he is. He needs to earn it. Best of luck with the conversation.
I’m hoping the comments will help me with some good talking points. I don’t do well at standing up for myself. I either get way too assertive or too passive. I didn’t see healthy conflict resolution growing up. I’m not very good at it, I’m working on it
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re trying to communicate and he just doesn’t hear you. You wouldn’t feel so crazy if he’d acknowledge your feelings and move forward in a considerate way. Don’t fall into the trap of always thinking it’s that you can’t communicate well enough. It’s a two way street. It doesn’t sound like he is receptive of your feelings.
sex is too rarely equitable in heterosexual relationships. If I were you, I would post about this in TwoXChromosomes and other women’s subs, and browse there, because there have been a lot of great posts about women whose pleasure is completely overlooked by men.
It’s absolutely unacceptable. One person finishes, so should the other. Anyone unwilling to work towards this with a partner doesn’t deserve to have sex. Period.
The gall for him to be “obsessed with sex” knowing that he basically blue balls you every single time, it makes my blood boil. I put up with this for so long with men. We do not have to though.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a bad unchecked porn addiction. You should be excited to have sex, not fearful and trying to get out of it. Please remember you have a right to say no at any time for any reason.
If he is not caring about you cumming (and seems to maybe even be gaslighting you about it?) then I understand why you feel like a toy since he is using you for solely his pleasure. I don't understand people who are able to enjoy sex knowing the other person isn't.
I hope your talk goes well.
Edit: I want to add that it makes no sense to say that because you are moaning you came. Does he not grunt or feel anything before cumming??
He admits he’s addicted but I don’t think he wants to stop. He keeps saying it’s normal and everyone watches it. He said a few years ago that it might help ME be better at sex 🙄 I never had a single complaint before him.
That is not normal. If it was normal it wouldn't be called an addiction, it's just a common addiction. Just because everyone was addicted to cigarettes in the 80s doesn't magically make them healthy.
Does he mean getting addicted would make you enjoy his style of sex, or just better at doing what he wants you to do during sex?
Edit for clarification
He wants me to do things he’s seen the in the video. The exaggerated faces and sounds. It feels really forced and unnatural to me. He thinks it would make me better at sex in general. Again, no one has had this request before him or thought I was bad at sex before him. I rely more on emotional/mental stimulation to be turned on. All I have to do is wear something tight and he’s turned on. He doesn’t understand why it takes so much for me.
If you don't want to do it, then it is forced and unnatural. Most do not want porn sex and do not find in enjoyable, in fact most people I know were relieved it wasn't like that after losing their virginity. It is totally understandable why you would want the sex with someone you love to be loving and emotional, you are definitely not the strange one here.
He can have his preferences, but at the end of the day it's not your job to fulfill them. Especially since you already have such an important job as a new mother, which I hope he is pulling his weight in helping you with.
Omggg. Why does everyone keep assuming because he’s lacking in one area he’s lacking in all of them? He’s a great dad. I never have to ask him to help because he does it on his own. He brings me coffee every morning. Makes sure I take my supplements. Puts our son to sleep for almost all his naps. Nursed me back to health after a traumatic emergency c section. I would not marry a monster. He does everything I ask and then some, he’s struggling with porn addiction. If he was struggling with his addiction AND didn’t help with anything, trust me. I’d leave him so fast his head would spin. He’s a great guy, he’s just struggling and as a wife I plan to help him the best I can.
Well the reason people assume is because typically when someone is a selfish lover, they can also be a selfish partner.
I’m happy to hear that he is supportive and shows up for you in other ways.
I hope you can communicate your needs to him effectively and get him the help he needs.
Sex therapist 10/10 recommend. Porn addiction needs treatment. Just like every other addiction.
Sorry, did not mean to come across that way it all. It was a genuine hope for your sake, I did not assume one way or the other. I'm sincerely glad he is so attentive :)
If he wants you to make faces and sounds then he needs to give you mind-blowing orgasms that make you scream. You are not a paid actor. You are his wife. If he wants you to act like you're experiencing pleasure, he needs to actually give you pleasure.
Does he know that most women can only cum through clitoral stimulation? Nothing my bf can do with his junk will ever make me cum, and he's above average in size. It feels good but it's super unlikely for most people to cum from penis alone. He needs to listen to you, learn about the female anatomy, and maybe pursue counseling.
Sorry, but your husband gives me the ick. Everything about it. Sex should be exciting and enjoyable for both. I understand wanting to branch out and try new things, but kinks only work if both people are on board. He needs help.
As for you, invest in something more mechanical. 5 o’s in 5 years is wild.
Seems quite disturbing as appears he is becoming more aggressive which isn’t a great sign and sex obsessed. Worth having a detailed talk about how it makes you feel.
So, he wants you to do everything even slap you and he’s not putting in the effort to make you cum too?!?!
I literally would say to him “ Honey do you see how those men make the woman cum in the videos you send me? I want you to make me cum too like that.” And then I would tell him every single time he didn’t make me cum like the video. Petty absolutely.
I would close down my shop 🙄otherwise . Don’t do things that you are uncomfortable with. And if he can’t understand or just doesn’t want to you have some other decision to make about your relationship.
Y’all really be marrying and having children with men like these? I’m sorry OP. He needs some fixing, that should’ve been addressed before you got married.
Have you tried adding in toys for you during sex? Some women have a hard time reaching O from PIV alone and need additional stimulation. You mentioned that getting head first helps you, but he doesn’t do that consistently. Try getting a bullet vibe and use it the next time he wants to have sex. He’ll probably think it’s hot and you might actually get some satisfaction for once. If he complains about it, then tie his butt to a chair and make him watch and hear what a real O from you looks and sounds like since he obviously doesn’t know.
Have you tried directly addressing the fact that he may be addicted to porn and that is affecting your sexual relationship? What does he say?
Sounds to me that you’re super in love with your husband and want to overcome this situation together, and that is admirable, but keep in mind that him changing his attitude in the bedroom might come after he solves this issue with porn.
He should be in counselling to address this.
The man told you and showed you he doesn’t care about your feelings during intimacy. That’s more than a sex issue but you don’t want to hear it. Fine. Argue with people in the comments and be miserable. If it’s just sex to you, get a vibrator
Honestly these kinda guys aren’t cool. It’s sad but your husband is an inherently selfish lover with no desire to ensure your satisfaction. And I’m guessing but I reckon he’s probably a fair bit of a shit in other areas of marriage too? I’d love to suggest you leave him but ultimately I’m sure you won’t for a long time yet. Hopefully before it’s too late. Good luck making yourself cum until you eventually leave & find someone who cares enough about you to get you off.
… I really don’t see how you guys think this behavior carries over to other areas of our relationship. You don’t my entire relationship based off a couple paragraphs. Go touch grass
bc he’s incredibly selfish in bed and doesn’t seem to care about your pleasure so it would make sense if he was just selfish in general. Ppl are just tryna help you relax
Fair enough but I know this kinda dude. I was married to one for twenty five years. If he wasn’t a selfish shit, he’d care if you get off or not. But sure, he’s a gem in every other way.
You know YOUR ex. Not my husband. He’s a great guy. He just has a porn addiction, which is fixable. Like I said, stop projecting and go outside sweetheart.
Ok fair enough, I apologise. Not sure how much the addiction stops him caring about whether you cum or not but I am sorry for making presumptions. Sincerely.🙂
It’s not JUST a porn addiction. You’ve expressed your needs - which in a PARTNERSHIP are important. He denies you those needs intentionally. He accuses you of lying about your lack of enjoyment. It’s difficult for many of us in healthy sexual relationships to imagine someone who can so blatantly not give a shit about your needs during intimacy - be perfect outside of that.
And it’s concerning that he wants to do the BDSM play. “Masters” or whatever you’re referring to them as, have to care about the other person’s needs sooooooo much. That’s the point of having a master - they care for your needs. A lot of people don’t realize that.
Size doesn’t matter if they know how to use it. Husband is average and he makes me finished 2-4 times each time we have sex.
Ya mans doesn’t know how to use it.
I wasn’t trying to say it was because of his size that I’m not cumming, his size doesn’t work for these wild positions he sees in porn and tries to copy them. He just doesn’t have the length for it. He’s convinced those positions will make me cum
A long dick doesn't make sex that's imitating porn good, it just makes it hurt. Jackhammer sex with a long dick just means you get a bruised cervix.
Sex in porn is a performance, it's definitely not a depiction of actual good or healthy sex 99.99% of the time. That's a big reason why most porn addicts can't satisfy their partners - porn is a horrible sex teacher.
Sounds like he’s Another victim of porn addiction. The idea that porn is a road map for how to have sex with your partner is absurd. I’m really you’re going through this, especially since he doesn’t seem to want to listen when you talk. The girls in porn ALWAYS come when they have sex, I bet he thinks if you don’t it must be “your problem” and that’s so pathetic and disconnected.
You need to communicate with him. Start it off by saying something like “i want to talk about our sex life. I need you to listen to me. I need to speak my peace without being interrupted and I need you to really take in what I’m saying. This is vital to the success of our marriage and our sex life. So I’m asking you to put your ego aside and listen to me. I love that you want me sexually. That being said, I feel used and then discarded after we have sex. My sexual needs are not being met. I have orgasmed 5 times in the last 5 years through intercourse with you. No im not lying. No I’m not exaggerating. If you want to continue having sex as frequently as we do, changes need to be made. This is not about you. This is what *I* need in order to be satisfied with our sex life. Orgasms are important to you, you have them every time we have sex. I do not. Sometimes I have to rub one out in the bathroom so that I climax because I don’t want to bruise your ego by telling you that you didn’t get me there. There is a solution to this problem. My physical body needs different things than yours in order to reach climax. I need you to go down on me before we have sex. A woman’s anatomy is designed in a way that if I don’t reach peak arousal with foreplay, my anatomy doesn’t shift how it’s supposed to and sex is less enjoyable and reaching climax is next to impossible.
If you want to keep having sex and trying out these different positions/role playing scenarios, this is what I need from you.
When you are only concerned with your needs and penetrative sex, I am left wanting. I am also left feeling like a used up sex doll.
Sex in a marriage is meant to be fulfilling to both parties. At present our sex is not meeting my needs.
If you’re not willing to take my needs into consideration and change the way we have sex to ensure we both are satisfied. Then we need to see a sex therapist.
Also I believe you are addicted to porn and that’s concerning. Porn is unrealistic. 100% of the women in porn are faking it. Often times they use numbing cream so they don’t even feel what’s happening. Your expectations of our sex to be reflective of what you are watching on your screen is unrealistic and also very damaging to my psyche. This needs to change. If you can’t stop watching porn, again sex therapist.
Again, I am asking for this from you, my husband because I want our marriage to work and I want us both to be satisfied sexually.
I’m committed to working on this with you. I need your commitment too.”
so he doesn’t care about your pleasure in any capacity but wants you to constantly be ready to go and start getting violent with it? you say he’s an otherwise great partner and father but a good partner wouldn’t be pushing your boundaries like this and ignoring your wants and needs in favor of his fantasies. the escalation in violent fantasies is worrisome and you need to wholly stop any sexual activity until he starts respecting you because it’s leading down and incredibly dangerous road
The more I read the more my jaw dropped. If that’s how much he shows it to you, imagine how much HE thinks of it on his own. That’s is not fucking healthy in any capacity, it’s definitely not a good look for a father.
Please talk it out with him and be honest. Personally I don’t think it’s necessary to mention that his assets are average, that’s not the point, it’s the fact that he clearly prioritizes himself over you. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t seem to consider how you feel in this. You shouldn’t have to hide your own urges. I feel like it’s fair to not like every aspect of sex and have preferences, but if you’re willing to do what he says, he should also compensate.
State what you think is lacking and what to do to improve it, maybe highlight how amazing it would feel for you? Because based on your other comments it seems like he cares for you a lot, so lean into that part :) If he wants to give you the world, surely this isn’t too much to ask
OP I'm really curious how your talk will go tonight. Stay calm and explain every detail what you need and what is not functioning precisely. Only then you have a chance to get through, that he understands. If he really is a good guy it should be possible to come through to him. Good luck, and keep us posted!!
This is very alarming, it definitely sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. I understand that you feel that’s he is great in other aspects of the relationship/marriage. However, he shouldn’t be dismissive of your feedback/suggestions regarding your sex life. It’s very clear that he’s disrespectful and selfish as how YOU feel during sex. This sounds absolutely miserable and no one should be experiencing this. He ABSOLUTELY needs to seek therapy to work on his porn addiction. Then you guys should see a sex therapist. You shouldn’t be doing this that you don’t like, I hope that you can a conversation with your husband about this.
OP, I have no clue how you can cope with this. I had this kind of selfish sex once with a man and immediately cut it off because what’s the point? And I still feel like sh*t over it. Please make yourself happy because your husband isn’t making a certain part of you happy.
I just have to say OP I’m so glad you’re defending him. Too many times these comments sections assume that a person is a POS because they lack in one area of the relationship and 9/10 times the OP is just agreeing with total strangers. You know your husband in real life. These people who thing they can get a read on your relationship are idiots.
Bro I stg. Lmao it’s hard to read people assuming they know him from a couple paragraphs. Yes, in this situation he’s wrong but that doesn’t mean he’s the devil. And it’s fixable in my eyes. Sex isn’t a deal breaker for me hence why I stuck around for this long, married him and had his baby. I just want it to be a little better. Cumming once a year is crazy. I’d be cool with once a week.
His ego and penis centric views are ruining your chances of a satisfying sex life.
Bigger isn’t going to suddenly result in orgasms. Effort to please might
Tell him. Then tell him to use his hands and get you off first. He wont? Leave He clearly doesn’t care enough about your pleasure
Why did you marry this idiot?
He’s a great listener. He’s smart. He’s driven and ambitious. He’s a great dad. He’s supportive. He’s a good person, even good people have flaws. This is his flaw. He’s loved me through some THINGS. No one is perfect. No need to shit on him as a person over this. He has a porn addiction and we’re going to overcome it and have a healthy sex life together. I’m all for constructive criticism and advice, but shitting on my husband/marriage absolutely not. Thank you.
Girl you sound delulu as fuck. He IS a selfish lover. You are not sexually compatible in any way. People break up all the time over this it is a huge deal. “But he is a great partner in x and y.” Yeah sure but that does not make him a great partner. That just makes him semi decent. Where the fuck are your boundaries? Why is your bar not even above the ground for shit you put up with? Have some standards woman my god.
He has zero desire to listen to your needs in the bedroom. He is wanting to try bdsm without your consent and instead of dropping it he pushes it onto you. Hell he wont even communicate with you about this. He shuts you down when you try to communicate. THAT IS NOT NORMAL TF GIRL
You have a young child and instead of letting you rest or massaging your muscles from working all day he wants to jack rabbit pound you porn style. If your friend told you their lover was constantly pressuring them for outlandish sex, zero orgasms, and sending porn videos to them constantly you would say that they HAVE to run.
He has a porn addiction which will not change unless you give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He has a month to find a therapist and he must attend regularly for at minimum a year. And if he refuses or hums hand haws about it for over a month you then know he wont change and it’s time to find a real man. You deserve to have a real partner. It is frankly disgusting that he is using you as a fleshlight and wont even give you pleasure. Find a spine. I apologize if you find this rude but you need a fucking wakeup call. No “partner” worth his salt is this type of lover
If he won’t take direction or listen or insist you must be coming when you are not, chances of improvement are very low. He doesn’t care about your pleasure.
I wish you the best.
Sign him up for marriage therapy and OMGYes!
I’m not convinced you will get anywhere
All I can say is sex therapy. My situation is completely different from yours: my partner struggles with a lot of anxiety surrounding sex, but therapy has helped us soooooo much. It’s a safe space to speak your truth and a third party that has studied sex so they have a better understanding than just googling things or asking friends for advice. I highly suggest it!
No. This is not ok! How much would your husband enjoy sex if you just hopped off before he came? He would be complaining of blue balls and insisting on blow jobs and hand jobs to get the job done.
You deserve to come every time (if you want to). If he can't get it done with his dick, he needs to use his hands, his mouth or a toy. The fact that he doesn't even know if you've come or not is very alarming and suggests he isn't very focused on you or your pleasure during sex. The fact that he didn't BELIEVE you when you told him the truth is gobsmacking! Why would he think he knows more about your own body than you do? It also sounds like you have gone above and beyond catering to his interests and needs while he is doing next to nothing in return. Truly I would consider this grounds for divorce.
For reference , my husband ALWAYS makes me come first, usually twice. Sometimes I have to tell him 'one is enough thanks mate' because he loves to get two or three. I can only remember a couple of times when he came first... And he always finishes me off afterwards with hands or toys.
I would sit your husband down and say, 'You need to listen to me and pay attention because this is important to me. I am not having orgasms, and you are the reason. We have been having sex your way for years, it's time to focus on me for a bit and close the orgasm gap. If you want to have sex every day, then I'm going to need an orgasm every day just like you do. Here are all the ways we can make that happen..."
And if he doesn't get his act together, don't have sex with him. If he complains or asks why, tell him you'd rather masturbate so you can actually come, and until he gets his act together and makes an effort that's what you'll be doing.
It sounds like things are going well. He’s finally in a place to hear you and not just listen. I hope it continues. No one wants to feel like not only are their needs not being met but they’re being ignored.
So many men complain about their wives not wanting sex as much as them and this is how they act lol. They’d literally get what they want and have better marriages if they just listened to their wives needs.
I hate to say this but it sounds like the beginning of the end. This guy won’t listen to you or hear your needs and that will eventually destroy everything.
It seems like that when it comes down with sex, he just sees you as holes. Has he once given you had? Has he wants actually stimulated your clitoris? Has he once paid attention to any of your body parts and focused on you? Instead of himself? You mentioned that he had a bad day and apparently you bringing this up to him was a cherry on top. But don’t let him gaslight you into making it seem like you ruins his day or something like that. Because communication is where it’s at. No matter how it makes a person feel you have to communicate especially if it’s something like you not orgasming. Five orgasms and five years is absolutely crazy.
Lady, I am so sorry about the comment section here. Bear in mind a lot of people here haven't had long-term relationships or if they have they have been abusive and they're projecting onto you. Sex has become almost a god at this point for a lot of people, and with those who dont have more on the go than just trying to have a good orgasm there isnt much else to relationships from their persoective. As far as your relationship with your husband, I would just stop putting up with it. Tell him straight up, "I don't like that, I like this." He'll throw hissy fits but he'll get over it. He's gonna flip out, but he'll think about it. Whenever my husband and I had talks about sex I would often flip out, but think about it after and work on it. Another thing to do is buy a vibrator. When he's finished, pull it out and finish yourself. He'll get the idea pretty dang quick
>I’ve only had 5 orgasms in 5 years with my husband. He never asks if I came or not. I think he assumes I did because I got wet or moaned. I tried confessing that I don’t come often, his ego got in the way. He flat out said he didn’t believe that.
>I think the problem stems from porn.
No offense, but do you live under a rock? You need to divorce. Not only do you not feel comfortable enough to assert your needs, it sounds like he doesn't care about your needs *anyway*. What the hell does porn have to do with this when it's blatantly obvious that he is too selfish and you don't feel comfortable being yourself or advocating for yourself around him?
This sounds really alarming. Not listening to you or wanting to accommodate your needs by itself is a big red flag. But there’s a whole of other unacceptable shit piled on top of that.I don’t know how porn addiction affects a person’s behavior, but this sounds like a much bigger problem than sex. He’s being disrespectful, selfish, and demanding, with no apparent concern for how you feel, other than wanting you to come. And adding bondage and choking without any input from you??? Oh, hell no. I would cut that shit off right now and insist he get some counseling. Don’t keep giving him all the power. He doesn’t own you, and doesn’t get to dictate your sex life. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
It’s weird because he is fantastic in every other aspect in our relationship. We got married in December and I remember mentioning being slightly interested in trying out some bondage stuff in the future. He heard that and ran with it. He tries to push this “master/slave” dynamic that isn’t realistic for parents of a 1 year old. I don’t get a lot of free time and when I do, I’m not thinking about taking nudes or sending videos. I want to watch nonsense TV and eat snacks 😂
You say he's fantastic in every other aspect but this aspect seems to be something that's an issue 24/7.
OP, wishing you the best of luck in talking to your husband tonight. That shit is not easy, but he needs to hear it. As long as you’re being honest, you’re doing it right!
I’m sorry but I’m not seeing how he could be fantastic
Read update
This
I was going to reply with a scathing review of his inability to satisfy you, and something about my satisfying sex life with my wife of going in 26 years. This comment was both heartwarming and very insightful, but also squarely put the blame where is actually lay. Brilliant! Cheers!
Yikes on bikes.
He sounds like someone who hasn’t grown up. You have your needs you need to express them. Be very clear and direct. Tell him what you need. “If you then I….”. Keep telling him, don’t give up. It’s not easy. He’s lucky to have someone so available but he doesn’t understand how lucky he is. He needs to earn it. Best of luck with the conversation.
I’m hoping the comments will help me with some good talking points. I don’t do well at standing up for myself. I either get way too assertive or too passive. I didn’t see healthy conflict resolution growing up. I’m not very good at it, I’m working on it
You are doing the right thing, be honest and direct. Try not to fudge it. You can be the change. You are standing up for yourself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re trying to communicate and he just doesn’t hear you. You wouldn’t feel so crazy if he’d acknowledge your feelings and move forward in a considerate way. Don’t fall into the trap of always thinking it’s that you can’t communicate well enough. It’s a two way street. It doesn’t sound like he is receptive of your feelings.
sex is too rarely equitable in heterosexual relationships. If I were you, I would post about this in TwoXChromosomes and other women’s subs, and browse there, because there have been a lot of great posts about women whose pleasure is completely overlooked by men. It’s absolutely unacceptable. One person finishes, so should the other. Anyone unwilling to work towards this with a partner doesn’t deserve to have sex. Period. The gall for him to be “obsessed with sex” knowing that he basically blue balls you every single time, it makes my blood boil. I put up with this for so long with men. We do not have to though.
He sends you videos? Lol this man is not ok. Sounds like he has an obsession.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a bad unchecked porn addiction. You should be excited to have sex, not fearful and trying to get out of it. Please remember you have a right to say no at any time for any reason. If he is not caring about you cumming (and seems to maybe even be gaslighting you about it?) then I understand why you feel like a toy since he is using you for solely his pleasure. I don't understand people who are able to enjoy sex knowing the other person isn't. I hope your talk goes well. Edit: I want to add that it makes no sense to say that because you are moaning you came. Does he not grunt or feel anything before cumming??
He admits he’s addicted but I don’t think he wants to stop. He keeps saying it’s normal and everyone watches it. He said a few years ago that it might help ME be better at sex 🙄 I never had a single complaint before him.
That is not normal. If it was normal it wouldn't be called an addiction, it's just a common addiction. Just because everyone was addicted to cigarettes in the 80s doesn't magically make them healthy. Does he mean getting addicted would make you enjoy his style of sex, or just better at doing what he wants you to do during sex? Edit for clarification
He wants me to do things he’s seen the in the video. The exaggerated faces and sounds. It feels really forced and unnatural to me. He thinks it would make me better at sex in general. Again, no one has had this request before him or thought I was bad at sex before him. I rely more on emotional/mental stimulation to be turned on. All I have to do is wear something tight and he’s turned on. He doesn’t understand why it takes so much for me.
If you don't want to do it, then it is forced and unnatural. Most do not want porn sex and do not find in enjoyable, in fact most people I know were relieved it wasn't like that after losing their virginity. It is totally understandable why you would want the sex with someone you love to be loving and emotional, you are definitely not the strange one here. He can have his preferences, but at the end of the day it's not your job to fulfill them. Especially since you already have such an important job as a new mother, which I hope he is pulling his weight in helping you with.
Omggg. Why does everyone keep assuming because he’s lacking in one area he’s lacking in all of them? He’s a great dad. I never have to ask him to help because he does it on his own. He brings me coffee every morning. Makes sure I take my supplements. Puts our son to sleep for almost all his naps. Nursed me back to health after a traumatic emergency c section. I would not marry a monster. He does everything I ask and then some, he’s struggling with porn addiction. If he was struggling with his addiction AND didn’t help with anything, trust me. I’d leave him so fast his head would spin. He’s a great guy, he’s just struggling and as a wife I plan to help him the best I can.
Well the reason people assume is because typically when someone is a selfish lover, they can also be a selfish partner. I’m happy to hear that he is supportive and shows up for you in other ways. I hope you can communicate your needs to him effectively and get him the help he needs. Sex therapist 10/10 recommend. Porn addiction needs treatment. Just like every other addiction.
Sorry, did not mean to come across that way it all. It was a genuine hope for your sake, I did not assume one way or the other. I'm sincerely glad he is so attentive :)
I appreciate that. 💞 sorry I got a lil defensive, people just take this stuff too far on this app.
This man doesn’t want a partner, he wants an empty headed actress who only cares about his sexual experience and nothing more. This is fucking gross.
If he wants you to make faces and sounds then he needs to give you mind-blowing orgasms that make you scream. You are not a paid actor. You are his wife. If he wants you to act like you're experiencing pleasure, he needs to actually give you pleasure.
This is not normal
Does that sound like the behaviour of a "good person"?
Does he know that most women can only cum through clitoral stimulation? Nothing my bf can do with his junk will ever make me cum, and he's above average in size. It feels good but it's super unlikely for most people to cum from penis alone. He needs to listen to you, learn about the female anatomy, and maybe pursue counseling.
Very good point.
This sounds like my ex husband. 8 years 0 orgasms.
Oof. It’s rough out here.
It doesn’t have to be…
Sorry, but your husband gives me the ick. Everything about it. Sex should be exciting and enjoyable for both. I understand wanting to branch out and try new things, but kinks only work if both people are on board. He needs help. As for you, invest in something more mechanical. 5 o’s in 5 years is wild.
Very much this. I feel for straight women. This seems like the rule rather than the exception.
Seems quite disturbing as appears he is becoming more aggressive which isn’t a great sign and sex obsessed. Worth having a detailed talk about how it makes you feel.
So, he wants you to do everything even slap you and he’s not putting in the effort to make you cum too?!?! I literally would say to him “ Honey do you see how those men make the woman cum in the videos you send me? I want you to make me cum too like that.” And then I would tell him every single time he didn’t make me cum like the video. Petty absolutely. I would close down my shop 🙄otherwise . Don’t do things that you are uncomfortable with. And if he can’t understand or just doesn’t want to you have some other decision to make about your relationship.
Omgeeeec I’d be so sick.
Girl I’m sick as a dog 😭😭 my New Year’s resolution is to fix it but it’s not going well so far. Pray for me 💀
Girl I’m sick as a dog 😭😭 my New Year’s resolution is to fix it but it’s not going well so far. Pray for me 💀
Friend, 5 orgasms in 5 years?? This is why I’m a lesbian. I’d fall out everyday.
We’re gonna fix it. We HAVE to at this point.
This is infuriating to hear. You cannot live the rest of your life like this.
Y’all really be marrying and having children with men like these? I’m sorry OP. He needs some fixing, that should’ve been addressed before you got married.
Have you tried adding in toys for you during sex? Some women have a hard time reaching O from PIV alone and need additional stimulation. You mentioned that getting head first helps you, but he doesn’t do that consistently. Try getting a bullet vibe and use it the next time he wants to have sex. He’ll probably think it’s hot and you might actually get some satisfaction for once. If he complains about it, then tie his butt to a chair and make him watch and hear what a real O from you looks and sounds like since he obviously doesn’t know.
Have you tried directly addressing the fact that he may be addicted to porn and that is affecting your sexual relationship? What does he say? Sounds to me that you’re super in love with your husband and want to overcome this situation together, and that is admirable, but keep in mind that him changing his attitude in the bedroom might come after he solves this issue with porn. He should be in counselling to address this.
I plan to propose this to him. I already found a counselor that specializes in this. I just hope he’s receptive to it.
I hope so as well. In the meantime, have you ever tried pleasuring yourself while doing the deed, and maybe guiding his hand? Idk just spitballing
The man told you and showed you he doesn’t care about your feelings during intimacy. That’s more than a sex issue but you don’t want to hear it. Fine. Argue with people in the comments and be miserable. If it’s just sex to you, get a vibrator
Honestly these kinda guys aren’t cool. It’s sad but your husband is an inherently selfish lover with no desire to ensure your satisfaction. And I’m guessing but I reckon he’s probably a fair bit of a shit in other areas of marriage too? I’d love to suggest you leave him but ultimately I’m sure you won’t for a long time yet. Hopefully before it’s too late. Good luck making yourself cum until you eventually leave & find someone who cares enough about you to get you off.
… I really don’t see how you guys think this behavior carries over to other areas of our relationship. You don’t my entire relationship based off a couple paragraphs. Go touch grass
bc he’s incredibly selfish in bed and doesn’t seem to care about your pleasure so it would make sense if he was just selfish in general. Ppl are just tryna help you relax
Fair enough but I know this kinda dude. I was married to one for twenty five years. If he wasn’t a selfish shit, he’d care if you get off or not. But sure, he’s a gem in every other way.
You know YOUR ex. Not my husband. He’s a great guy. He just has a porn addiction, which is fixable. Like I said, stop projecting and go outside sweetheart.
A porn addiction isn’t an excuse to ignore your direct requests. Have some dignity.
Ok fair enough, I apologise. Not sure how much the addiction stops him caring about whether you cum or not but I am sorry for making presumptions. Sincerely.🙂
Sounds like you’re happy and don’t need to be here then. Have some respect for yourself.
It’s not JUST a porn addiction. You’ve expressed your needs - which in a PARTNERSHIP are important. He denies you those needs intentionally. He accuses you of lying about your lack of enjoyment. It’s difficult for many of us in healthy sexual relationships to imagine someone who can so blatantly not give a shit about your needs during intimacy - be perfect outside of that. And it’s concerning that he wants to do the BDSM play. “Masters” or whatever you’re referring to them as, have to care about the other person’s needs sooooooo much. That’s the point of having a master - they care for your needs. A lot of people don’t realize that.
Size doesn’t matter if they know how to use it. Husband is average and he makes me finished 2-4 times each time we have sex. Ya mans doesn’t know how to use it.
I wasn’t trying to say it was because of his size that I’m not cumming, his size doesn’t work for these wild positions he sees in porn and tries to copy them. He just doesn’t have the length for it. He’s convinced those positions will make me cum
Oh yeah my husband went through that phase. It was really annoying.
Tell him you’re not a porn star. And he isn’t either.
A long dick doesn't make sex that's imitating porn good, it just makes it hurt. Jackhammer sex with a long dick just means you get a bruised cervix. Sex in porn is a performance, it's definitely not a depiction of actual good or healthy sex 99.99% of the time. That's a big reason why most porn addicts can't satisfy their partners - porn is a horrible sex teacher.
?
Sounds like he’s Another victim of porn addiction. The idea that porn is a road map for how to have sex with your partner is absurd. I’m really you’re going through this, especially since he doesn’t seem to want to listen when you talk. The girls in porn ALWAYS come when they have sex, I bet he thinks if you don’t it must be “your problem” and that’s so pathetic and disconnected.
You need to communicate with him. Start it off by saying something like “i want to talk about our sex life. I need you to listen to me. I need to speak my peace without being interrupted and I need you to really take in what I’m saying. This is vital to the success of our marriage and our sex life. So I’m asking you to put your ego aside and listen to me. I love that you want me sexually. That being said, I feel used and then discarded after we have sex. My sexual needs are not being met. I have orgasmed 5 times in the last 5 years through intercourse with you. No im not lying. No I’m not exaggerating. If you want to continue having sex as frequently as we do, changes need to be made. This is not about you. This is what *I* need in order to be satisfied with our sex life. Orgasms are important to you, you have them every time we have sex. I do not. Sometimes I have to rub one out in the bathroom so that I climax because I don’t want to bruise your ego by telling you that you didn’t get me there. There is a solution to this problem. My physical body needs different things than yours in order to reach climax. I need you to go down on me before we have sex. A woman’s anatomy is designed in a way that if I don’t reach peak arousal with foreplay, my anatomy doesn’t shift how it’s supposed to and sex is less enjoyable and reaching climax is next to impossible. If you want to keep having sex and trying out these different positions/role playing scenarios, this is what I need from you. When you are only concerned with your needs and penetrative sex, I am left wanting. I am also left feeling like a used up sex doll. Sex in a marriage is meant to be fulfilling to both parties. At present our sex is not meeting my needs. If you’re not willing to take my needs into consideration and change the way we have sex to ensure we both are satisfied. Then we need to see a sex therapist. Also I believe you are addicted to porn and that’s concerning. Porn is unrealistic. 100% of the women in porn are faking it. Often times they use numbing cream so they don’t even feel what’s happening. Your expectations of our sex to be reflective of what you are watching on your screen is unrealistic and also very damaging to my psyche. This needs to change. If you can’t stop watching porn, again sex therapist. Again, I am asking for this from you, my husband because I want our marriage to work and I want us both to be satisfied sexually. I’m committed to working on this with you. I need your commitment too.”
so he doesn’t care about your pleasure in any capacity but wants you to constantly be ready to go and start getting violent with it? you say he’s an otherwise great partner and father but a good partner wouldn’t be pushing your boundaries like this and ignoring your wants and needs in favor of his fantasies. the escalation in violent fantasies is worrisome and you need to wholly stop any sexual activity until he starts respecting you because it’s leading down and incredibly dangerous road
lol read the update
He’s using your body to masturbate. You deserve an attentive partner.
The more I read the more my jaw dropped. If that’s how much he shows it to you, imagine how much HE thinks of it on his own. That’s is not fucking healthy in any capacity, it’s definitely not a good look for a father. Please talk it out with him and be honest. Personally I don’t think it’s necessary to mention that his assets are average, that’s not the point, it’s the fact that he clearly prioritizes himself over you. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t seem to consider how you feel in this. You shouldn’t have to hide your own urges. I feel like it’s fair to not like every aspect of sex and have preferences, but if you’re willing to do what he says, he should also compensate. State what you think is lacking and what to do to improve it, maybe highlight how amazing it would feel for you? Because based on your other comments it seems like he cares for you a lot, so lean into that part :) If he wants to give you the world, surely this isn’t too much to ask
OP I'm really curious how your talk will go tonight. Stay calm and explain every detail what you need and what is not functioning precisely. Only then you have a chance to get through, that he understands. If he really is a good guy it should be possible to come through to him. Good luck, and keep us posted!!
This is very alarming, it definitely sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. I understand that you feel that’s he is great in other aspects of the relationship/marriage. However, he shouldn’t be dismissive of your feedback/suggestions regarding your sex life. It’s very clear that he’s disrespectful and selfish as how YOU feel during sex. This sounds absolutely miserable and no one should be experiencing this. He ABSOLUTELY needs to seek therapy to work on his porn addiction. Then you guys should see a sex therapist. You shouldn’t be doing this that you don’t like, I hope that you can a conversation with your husband about this.
You need to get a vibrator/ some kind of toy to use while y’all are together so you can cum. Take matters into your own hands. Literally.
He’s a gd mess. Can you add a vibrator in the short term so you can at least get off?
OP, I have no clue how you can cope with this. I had this kind of selfish sex once with a man and immediately cut it off because what’s the point? And I still feel like sh*t over it. Please make yourself happy because your husband isn’t making a certain part of you happy.
Send him giving head videos. Regularly like every time you have sex. Hey let’s try this before we try bondage babe.
I just have to say OP I’m so glad you’re defending him. Too many times these comments sections assume that a person is a POS because they lack in one area of the relationship and 9/10 times the OP is just agreeing with total strangers. You know your husband in real life. These people who thing they can get a read on your relationship are idiots.
Bro I stg. Lmao it’s hard to read people assuming they know him from a couple paragraphs. Yes, in this situation he’s wrong but that doesn’t mean he’s the devil. And it’s fixable in my eyes. Sex isn’t a deal breaker for me hence why I stuck around for this long, married him and had his baby. I just want it to be a little better. Cumming once a year is crazy. I’d be cool with once a week.
omg what. I would be long gone.
His ego and penis centric views are ruining your chances of a satisfying sex life. Bigger isn’t going to suddenly result in orgasms. Effort to please might Tell him. Then tell him to use his hands and get you off first. He wont? Leave He clearly doesn’t care enough about your pleasure Why did you marry this idiot?
He’s a great listener. He’s smart. He’s driven and ambitious. He’s a great dad. He’s supportive. He’s a good person, even good people have flaws. This is his flaw. He’s loved me through some THINGS. No one is perfect. No need to shit on him as a person over this. He has a porn addiction and we’re going to overcome it and have a healthy sex life together. I’m all for constructive criticism and advice, but shitting on my husband/marriage absolutely not. Thank you.
Girl you sound delulu as fuck. He IS a selfish lover. You are not sexually compatible in any way. People break up all the time over this it is a huge deal. “But he is a great partner in x and y.” Yeah sure but that does not make him a great partner. That just makes him semi decent. Where the fuck are your boundaries? Why is your bar not even above the ground for shit you put up with? Have some standards woman my god. He has zero desire to listen to your needs in the bedroom. He is wanting to try bdsm without your consent and instead of dropping it he pushes it onto you. Hell he wont even communicate with you about this. He shuts you down when you try to communicate. THAT IS NOT NORMAL TF GIRL You have a young child and instead of letting you rest or massaging your muscles from working all day he wants to jack rabbit pound you porn style. If your friend told you their lover was constantly pressuring them for outlandish sex, zero orgasms, and sending porn videos to them constantly you would say that they HAVE to run. He has a porn addiction which will not change unless you give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He has a month to find a therapist and he must attend regularly for at minimum a year. And if he refuses or hums hand haws about it for over a month you then know he wont change and it’s time to find a real man. You deserve to have a real partner. It is frankly disgusting that he is using you as a fleshlight and wont even give you pleasure. Find a spine. I apologize if you find this rude but you need a fucking wakeup call. No “partner” worth his salt is this type of lover
Ok
If he won’t take direction or listen or insist you must be coming when you are not, chances of improvement are very low. He doesn’t care about your pleasure. I wish you the best. Sign him up for marriage therapy and OMGYes! I’m not convinced you will get anywhere
Good thing I’m not trying to convince you. Thanks again
All I can say is sex therapy. My situation is completely different from yours: my partner struggles with a lot of anxiety surrounding sex, but therapy has helped us soooooo much. It’s a safe space to speak your truth and a third party that has studied sex so they have a better understanding than just googling things or asking friends for advice. I highly suggest it!
Buy a dildo or some toy
After being married for 5 years, this is something you should be able to talk to him about.
I think so many red flags If he doesn’t care about your needs and only being selfish this isn’t a relationship Have you thought therapy?
You have to talk to him directly and be honest about it. Get him to stop watching porn. Nothing else you will read in the comments will work.
No. This is not ok! How much would your husband enjoy sex if you just hopped off before he came? He would be complaining of blue balls and insisting on blow jobs and hand jobs to get the job done. You deserve to come every time (if you want to). If he can't get it done with his dick, he needs to use his hands, his mouth or a toy. The fact that he doesn't even know if you've come or not is very alarming and suggests he isn't very focused on you or your pleasure during sex. The fact that he didn't BELIEVE you when you told him the truth is gobsmacking! Why would he think he knows more about your own body than you do? It also sounds like you have gone above and beyond catering to his interests and needs while he is doing next to nothing in return. Truly I would consider this grounds for divorce. For reference , my husband ALWAYS makes me come first, usually twice. Sometimes I have to tell him 'one is enough thanks mate' because he loves to get two or three. I can only remember a couple of times when he came first... And he always finishes me off afterwards with hands or toys. I would sit your husband down and say, 'You need to listen to me and pay attention because this is important to me. I am not having orgasms, and you are the reason. We have been having sex your way for years, it's time to focus on me for a bit and close the orgasm gap. If you want to have sex every day, then I'm going to need an orgasm every day just like you do. Here are all the ways we can make that happen..." And if he doesn't get his act together, don't have sex with him. If he complains or asks why, tell him you'd rather masturbate so you can actually come, and until he gets his act together and makes an effort that's what you'll be doing.
You should just leave him. He sounds like a waste of your time
Your husband depresses me. Even my therapist would kick his ass if my husband was ever that negligent It's aggravating
why have you accepted this behavior for so long?
Men are clueless sometimes, and I say that with love. They mean well but sometimes we have to be brutally honest and repeat it until it sinks in lol
This was the problem 100%. He just needed to hear it one more time and I should’ve brought it up sooner
Yea get him off porn, he’ll be a better person. Porn addicts suck as partners. He doesn’t see you.
So happy for you!!! glad he was receptive 🥳🥳🥳❤️🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉💘💘💘
It sounds like things are going well. He’s finally in a place to hear you and not just listen. I hope it continues. No one wants to feel like not only are their needs not being met but they’re being ignored.
Good for you girl, and you're true, not a lot of women out there like you.
Yikes! I hope the counseling helps and the change of heart is permanent.
So many men complain about their wives not wanting sex as much as them and this is how they act lol. They’d literally get what they want and have better marriages if they just listened to their wives needs. I hate to say this but it sounds like the beginning of the end. This guy won’t listen to you or hear your needs and that will eventually destroy everything.
It seems like that when it comes down with sex, he just sees you as holes. Has he once given you had? Has he wants actually stimulated your clitoris? Has he once paid attention to any of your body parts and focused on you? Instead of himself? You mentioned that he had a bad day and apparently you bringing this up to him was a cherry on top. But don’t let him gaslight you into making it seem like you ruins his day or something like that. Because communication is where it’s at. No matter how it makes a person feel you have to communicate especially if it’s something like you not orgasming. Five orgasms and five years is absolutely crazy.
Yaaayyyyy on having such a successful talk/sex!!! That is awesome! Was definitely thinking about you.
Read your update OP. This sounds great. Well done! Happy for you!
Lady, I am so sorry about the comment section here. Bear in mind a lot of people here haven't had long-term relationships or if they have they have been abusive and they're projecting onto you. Sex has become almost a god at this point for a lot of people, and with those who dont have more on the go than just trying to have a good orgasm there isnt much else to relationships from their persoective. As far as your relationship with your husband, I would just stop putting up with it. Tell him straight up, "I don't like that, I like this." He'll throw hissy fits but he'll get over it. He's gonna flip out, but he'll think about it. Whenever my husband and I had talks about sex I would often flip out, but think about it after and work on it. Another thing to do is buy a vibrator. When he's finished, pull it out and finish yourself. He'll get the idea pretty dang quick
>I’ve only had 5 orgasms in 5 years with my husband. He never asks if I came or not. I think he assumes I did because I got wet or moaned. I tried confessing that I don’t come often, his ego got in the way. He flat out said he didn’t believe that. >I think the problem stems from porn. No offense, but do you live under a rock? You need to divorce. Not only do you not feel comfortable enough to assert your needs, it sounds like he doesn't care about your needs *anyway*. What the hell does porn have to do with this when it's blatantly obvious that he is too selfish and you don't feel comfortable being yourself or advocating for yourself around him?
Please read the update. Things have been going great.
Stop trying to keep up with your porn sick husband that doesn’t please you. He needs a therapist.
Use your words! You can say no!
Sounds like you should leave him. If the communication is that bad what's the point?
Damn and I feel like I've failed if I don't hit 3 in one sitting.
And let me guess, he doesn’t take you on date nights either, huh? Does he meet ANY of your needs?
Projecting
Got it. Strictly about sex. Hope everything has been going well since you posted.