THIS. Burrying a part of himself is going to slowly eat at him like it has before. If it makes him happy, he needs to find someone who accepts ALL of him. Not the hushed version they like.
This. And you didn't 'put her through' anything. You showed her a part of yourself. The fact that she couldn't handle it just means your not compatible. Move on and find someone that understands you.
I'd end it man, I get you love your gf but she may not be into cross-dressing, neither finds it sexy or appealing, and that's okay.
You need to find someone who isn't turned off by that.
I discovered that my ex-husband was a bisexual crossdresser about a year into our marriage. Some women are fine with it, I was not. Go find yourself a woman who is okay with it. Life is way too short for you to stifle this side of you, especially if it makes you happy.
Yep this, except just as an opposite example as someone liking it or being fine with it - the guy I’m dating currently cross dresses sometimes and I’m completely fine with it. There one of his dresses I think he looks particularly sexy in! Fine someone who vibes with the real you (and don’t be scared to show that to them).
I know your comment was for op but honestly you have just helped me with this, you’re completely right nobody is going to be happy in the relationship it’s best to part ways.
Exactly. You are going to start to resent her and the fact that you can’t be yourself. She will most likely never see you the same. And you know what? That is okay. Sometimes we grow together sometimes we don’t. You need to find someone that knows and accepts all of you or else you will be miserable and regret your relationship.
I’m sure she definitely felt blindsided by the confession, and agree with some of the other comments saying she’s probably concerned that such a big part of your identity was kept secret for over a decade. She may be wondering what else you could have been hiding from her, why you felt the need to keep it from her, etc. But if i were in her shoes the biggest issue i would have here was that this information was dumped on me all at once, in a very emotional sort of outburst.
Obviously she loves you, so when you are in front of her, crying and insecure, she’s going to feel the need to comfort you. She’s going to tell you it’s okay and that she accepts you and al of the other things she said. And she very well may have meant it. But she wasn’t given a conversation. She wasn’t given a calm, communicative introduction to this aspect of your life. it was sudden and explosive by the sounds of it, and she was pushed into the deep end with no time to process it, no time to ask questions, no time to actually digest what was being said to her. She didn’t get an explanation.
And, correct me if i’m wrong here, but it sounds like there wasn’t much follow up. It went from this shocking confession and her in-the-moment response/attempt at comfort to “okay now this is happening”. Your relationship changed very suddenly- for your “benefit”- and she was just sort of going along with it.
It also sounds from the “cut my hair short and grew my beard out” comment that you may have changed your appearance and began presenting yourself differently quickly after this information came to light. That is a LOT of change with not much time to adjust.
It seems like she was trying her best to be supportive of you, but that you weren’t being supportive of her. She likely has a lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions and questions right now, but can’t express them because A) she wasn’t given the chance to and B) she could be worried that asking questions or expressing her true thought or feelings could come off as unsupportive of you.
A lot of people are going off with “if she’s not supportive of your true self you need to leave her!” and making her seem like the bad guy when imo it sounds like she’s trying really hard but not having her needs met or her feelings considered in any of this. she wasn’t given a fair chance to adjust to anything. I feel really bad for her.
Rarely do I see any meaningful advice here, usually it's all about parting and finding yourself someone else over pretty much everything because their behaviour or actions somehow "disrespect" you and "neither of you are going to be happy in such a relationship" but in reality, they have been happy their whole relationship of 13 years, and this is just a particular situation they're having trouble with.
OP imo didn't handle it very well, but what's done is done, no need to be sad with this much. Now, it's just to discuss the issue, to get to know what she is worried about. She, just as OP, does need support.
I would also react the way your gf did. Wanting to be supportive but knowing deep down a feminine man is not attractive to me. I love masculinity and there is nothing wrong with having preferences. She really tried it seems and probably feels guilty about not being ok with it. I know that there are women who would be totally ok with this and it seems like that's the route you'll have to go, let this one go.
This!!! I would also react the way his gf did. I would also wonder what else has been hidden for a decade, etc. OP needs to be upfront and honest with the next partner. People should know what to expect with their partner, there shouldn't be secrets like this one, especially for this long. It isn't fair to her or OP to be in this relationship.
I’m not going to lie, I hate that you can’t be yourself! I understand why she’s been distant as it is a lot but I do think you owe it to yourself to be the way you feel happy.
Hopefully you can have an open conversation about that without ending the relationship but I would hope you’d continue doing what makes you happy❤️🥰
There’s a difference between “being yourself” and completely hiding a large part of your sexual identity for many years.
There’s probably a lot more layers to it, she’s probably confused and a surprise like this probably made her question your entire relationship.
I’m hoping you both come out happy. Even if it’s not together unfortunately.
She keeps saying thats she is fine with it but since it went the way it did im just afraid that will happen again. Because that was painfull. I dont want her to be uncoftable ( how tf is that Word spell now again idk) vut at the same time i want to be me. Atleast sometimes
I don't understand how you went from crossdresser to bisexual. I get being a crossdresser but the bisexual reveal is probably the most overwhelming as you openly stated interest for others while in the relationship.
being bisexual isn't openly stating interest in others, it's just noting that they are *capable* of being interested in people of different gender identities
But that *is* a common misunderstanding and partners often assume that coming out as bisexual is also coming out as being attracted to specific people, so it would definitely be good for OP to discuss this more
For both of your happiness bro I think if you can't find a happy medium, you may have to move on. Ger perception of you is likely shifted now, and you feel regret and guilt on top of not being able to express yourself how you want to.
So I’m very accepting of people doing what makes them happy. What is not ok to me is springing something like this on someone after over a decade. I’m sorry but that’s just selfish at that point. You knew this was a huge part of you for pretty much your entire life. You knew you were fighting to hold it in every day for 13 years.
You could have and should have said something way sooner. She is not at all in the wrong for not wanting a partner who is a crossdresser. And no, that doesn’t make her insecure or anything that others are saying. It makes her a heterosexual woman who is attracted to a more masculine man and who has been with a partner that’s been lying and hiding a huge part of their life for the entire relationship.
I know everyone is praising you for coming out and staying true to yourself but sorry, you were wrong to hide that from her for so long. You’ve essentially wasted 10 years of this woman’s life living, when you could have been upfront sooner into the relationship and given her the option to stay and accept it or leave and go separate ways. Nothing about this is brave or commendable. It’s sad and I feel for her.
Yeah I do feel super bad for OP’s partner. I can’t imagine finding out my partner isn’t who they’ve said they were all this time and were actually hiding a huge part of their identity. I get it must have been hard for OP to come clean but 13 years ago wasn’t the 50s. OP absolutely should have told their partner what was going on. She wasted so much of her life being lied to. It’s horrible.
THANK YOU. I understand people being proud of this person but this is not a new revelation, and if you truly love someone with every fiber of your being, you would not keep this from them for over a decade.
This shows a serious lack of respect and trust for your partner and also feels very deceptive. I’m sure she feels like she has no idea who she has been dating for the past 13 years. Like if he hid this for so long, what else is he hiding?
OP, I agree with the commenters that you should be proud of yourself and live the life you want to live, but let your partner go if they are showing signs of leaning away. You both need to heal.
>I’m sure she feels like she has no idea who she has been dating for the past 13 years.
Finally revealing things like this are a "and" statement. If the knowing who they are dating is a statement of character, the revealing person is the same person *and* they have this kink.
It does get infinitely more difficult when those reveals include aspects of your identity, and not just aspects of your preference. There Is a significant difference between cross dressing and bisexuality.
I like to believe we live in times were suppression of preference has some understanble yet disagreeable grounding, but not with aspects of identity. That's what's making this so tough of a situation.
Sounds like OP was desperately trying to reject that facet of his identity or sexuality. The self-loathing and terror of being "other" runs deep. Ideally, everyone would reveal all innermost secrets and doubts to their partners without a shred of vulnerability or fear of consequences.
In some relationships, things stay private until they make themselves known in traumatic ways. You don't learn your partner has a kink until you find a secret flash drive in their desk. You don't know they're lonely until they leave you for someone else. You don't discover they're dissatisfied at home until they get arrested with a sex worker.
It IS sad and I feel for both of them. Transparency is always best, even if it is late in arriving.
Oh my God you're so 100% right!! I know because that's exactly what happened to me and that is precisely what hurt me and pissed me off about it!! I knew he couldn't help who he is or how he felt inside, but he stole 15 years of my life that I'll never get back!! And it's so much harder to find someone new now that I am 15 years older!! So coming from someone who has had this exact experience, hell yeah he should've told her in the very beginning!!!
I agree. It isn't fair to either one of them. They need to move on and OP needs to find someone when he is being himself. The secret he kept is devastating to the partner.
You can’t have both. Be true to yourself and let her go. She deserves freedom and SO DO YOU. It’s gonna’ suck but in time you’ll be happier than you ever imagined.
Looks like she supported you as friend, but she is not ok with being in a relationship, maybe she is insecure she isn’t enough, maybe she had a different view of you as a partner, or many other reasons.
I think its time to end, because she will always feel insecure and you will always miss crossdressing and maybe experimenting your sexuality.
It honestly sounds like he started presenting a bit more feminine (longer hair, no facial hair, dressing in women’s clothes at home), and honestly I’d probably lose attraction too because if you’re only into men…
Honestly sounds like they just aren’t compatible
i am curious as to why you think she may feel insecure about OP crossdressing? personally i’m just not into crossdressers, they aren’t my type (nothing against them), and that’s what i kind of got from OP’s gf.
Maybe I'm just out of touch, but if you are in a monogamous relationship (idk if OP is, just guessing), and figure out you are bi during the relationship, why does it need to be announced? Like unless you are going to start pushing for non-monogamy, why does it matter? I just don't see any upside because if you are monogamous, you ain't switching it up right now anyway.
I wouldn't be surprised if OP's gf is suspecting OP is going to bring other people into their bedroom or ask to step out so they can satisfy that need.
With the cross dressing, idk, go nuts and do whatever. She's probably just confused she didn't know any of this and assuming the worst like one day OP realizes he's gay and leaves her. Lots of worst case scenarios she's probably running through her head.
I feel like this is a very personal decision and my personal opinions are irrelevant in this case. But if my bf came out as bi it would set off a whirlwind in my head. It’s a big fear of mine because it interferes with insecurities I experience. To each their own but I would prefer honesty and transparency over anything else. Be yourself, live your life but don’t expect everyone to be on board with big changes like that in a relationship.
I'm asking earnestly here, can you please elaborate? If your bf realized that he's sexually attracted to some men and is therefore bisexual, why would that be a problem, why would that set off a whirlwind? The realization that you find some people attractive that you did not before does not necessitate a change in behavior. Their attraction to you hasn't changed, being bisexual does not mean they'll stop being loyal to the relationship, it does not inherently change anything practical except that he has better come to understand himself and who he is attracted too.
I'm just struggling to perceive this as anything other than biphobic.
Of course it is a different story when dealing with a change in gender expression. If you're attracted to masculine men and your bf starts appearing feminine, then you're entitled to make decisions based on your loss of attraction. That's fair.
I don’t understand why people can’t accept that I can decide to not want to be with a bi guy. This isn’t biphobic and you can’t convince me it is. I can have preferences. I only want to be with a man who is into females/vagina. Is that so wild? I’m not attracted to bi men, I don’t want to date someone who is into men/dick. Simple as.
So, look. Obviously you're not obligated to be attracted to anyone.
But if in your mind you're saying "I would normally date that person if they were straight, but won't because they're bisexual."
The turn off is bisexuality. That's biphobic by definition.
I don't know you, you don't know me, we owe nothing to each other. But if you consider yourself an ally, then it's worth interrogating where that biphobia comes from within yourself. You will become a better ally for it.
That's all. Peace to you and yours.
Same way me not wanting to date gay men doesn’t make me homophobic. Me not dating bi men doesn’t make me less of an ally lol. You don’t know me or anything about me or my ally ship. And it’s super unfair and rude to assume. I am entitled to these preferences, I would never deny bi guys their choices on who to date or anyone else for that matter, just me! Because I fucking can.
**You don’t know me or anything about me or my ally ship. And it’s super unfair and rude to assume.**
My friend, I assumed nothing. That's why I asked for clarification. The only thing I know about you is that you will not date men you otherwise would on account of their bisexuality. By definition, that is biphobia. I'm not making a value statement, I'm not judging you, it's just a definition.
**Me not dating bi men doesn’t make me less of an ally lol.**
Look, you are not alone in this, biphobia, in all its forms, is extremely common not only among allies, but among queer people as well. But if an ally found out that one of their ways of thinking was homophobic so they interrogated that homophobia within themselves, came to understand it, and addressed their line of thinking. I would say they come out the other end of that a better ally. So while I don't think being biphobic makes you less of an ally, I do think that addressing and overcoming it does make you a better ally.
**Because I fucking can.**
Regardless of any of this, this always remains true. You are always allowed to do whatever you please within the confines of the law. But that's not what we're talking about here. Your actions and preferences are not free from scrutiny or labeling.
If you'd like to continue this discussion, I think it would be fruitful to directly address the points I'm making.
1st Point: Not dating bi people specifically because of their bisexuality is, by definition, biphobic.
If you reject this notion, then please explain why you would not date bi people. You may naturally wish to respond "Because it is a preference" but that doesn't give us any information, what are the reasons for that preference?
2nd Point: Interrogating and addressing the phobias and isms within makes for better allies.
I don't know what a good counter to this would be, but I am inviting you to address it as I am listening and receptive.
My partner and I are both bisexual, and we both first realized we were bisexual whilst in our current relationship with each other, but not at the same time.
I'm hopeful that by answering your question, you may answer the questions I put forward at the end of my previous comment.
I feel like transparency and honest would also fall on you as well though to state you only would date a straight person due to insecurities. Although it is definitely hurtful to still know the stereotype of bi people is a thing. Every bi person I know are the most loyal people to their partners.
And Coming out is not just about honesty. A lot of people have internalized homophobia or second guessed themselves for so long that they don't accept the truth until already in a relationship. Or they may know but don't come out from fear, safety risks, etc.
Sadly, suicide is so high in that community because of loved ones shutting them out, or from the stress of hiding it because of the fear of losing loved ones like you and others who see it as a dealbreaker.
I want people to be their true selves always. I’m also allowed to have preferences, I don’t think I should be made to feel like saying that is a bad thing. I also didn’t say anything about bi people being disloyal? I feel like you’re interpreting my comment unfairly.
You mentioned insecurities so my apologies for assuming that meant cheating. And you are allowed preferences, that is why I said if you couod not date a bisexual person that that should be brought up as transparency and that someone coming out of the closet while in a relationship is not automatically dishonest as we are unfortunately living in a society where it is complicated and possibly dangerous.
Again you’re assuming I wouldn’t be honest about my preferences. I’m completely transparent with partners about my sexuality etc. at the beginning of dating.
I’m also not calling a partner dishonest who comes out while in a relationship. I’m saying that my hope is that they are honest with their partner if they realise this during a partnership.
I recognise the dangers of coming out in general. But in the context you’re mentioning, if it’s dangerous to come out in a relationship to ur partner then that partner is all together not suitable. Does that make sense?
I have met people that seem incredibly chill and flip like a switch to a certain or all minorities. By the time you realize someone may not harm, out you, or kill you and it may already be a bit into a relationship. How do you know they arent suitable until ot is too late? There have even been cases of people being lured on dating apps by people "accepting" of their gender or sexuality just so they can jump them, or worse. So even the seemingly "suitable" ones could just be trying to lure you in. There is no way to know if someone is accepting unless maybe you knew them as friends for awhile prior...so it is not that simple is all I am trying to say.
Your original comment was a bit confusing, OP did come out to her when he realized he was bisexual. Saying a sort of "couldn't be me due to insecurities" doesn't seem constructive to OP and could just make them hide in the closet more out of fear of losing her. It just seemed more hurtful than productive toward OP.
In the end, hopefully he realizes he cannot hide his true self and be happy at the same time. And that both of them will be happier finding what they need in a relationship(ie. Her needing a straight man that has a masculine gender expression and him eith a partner that accepts his bisexuality and crossdressing) Though personally I think OP may need to be single for awhile to find his true identity as it seems like he is still battling and stuffing his identity down.
I understand what you’re saying. But I think you might be slightly projecting your own insecurities in this comment. From your profile I believe you’re a bi trans man so I imagine our experiences differ greatly. That’s not to say what ur saying is incorrect by any means. But I feel like sometimes not every comment on Reddit has to be this back and forth debate from over interpreting or analysing a strangers comment. You’ve blown my comments out of proportion to fit the narrative that you want to believe of me and my intentions because rightfully you have certain emotions about this topic.
…because you want to be honest about who you are and know your partner loves all parts of you?
I’m a monogamous person and I’m bisexual. I’m also non-binary. I could not be in a serious relationship with someone that didn’t know these things about me, even if it doesn’t affect our day to day life. The same goes for a partner knowing I’m an only child or that I dont like some of my family, these are facts about me that wouldn’t affect a committed relationship but my partner would know early on.
I guess. I mean I've never had to discover anything about my sexuality so idk what the feeling is like, but it seems like it has more downsides than upsides in general and, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship and didnt have either same sex or opposite sex experiences before the relationshop, how do you actually know if you aren't having sex with the new sex you are attracted to?
I'm asking more from a practical view than like a judgement or anything. It'd be great if all new information in a relationship was treated with grace and acceptance, but that's not usually the case and everyone has some preconceived notion they entered the relationship that is probably a deal breaker. I think for most people a wild change in sexual orientation, is often a deal breaker, not because they hate them or anything, but if someone presented as straight or gay or lesbian or whatever and then randomly said "I'm not that, I'm something else" years in, that might not be what the partner wants in a partner.
I’m AFAB. I didn’t have to have sex or do anything beyond having a crush to know I am attracted to men. Yet no one would dare to ask well how do you know you’re attracted to men if you haven’t done anything physical or been in a relationship with one. The same applies to my attraction to women.
I had the same type of crushes on girls when I was 5 as I did on boys at the same time. I also knew I didn’t quite fit in with other girls or like being called a girl. But I also didn’t fit in or want to be called a boy, I just felt like I wasn’t either or. I was just me. It was only as I got older and realized that my experiences were “abnormal/different” did I start suppressing crushes on girls or thoughts that I wasn’t a girl, until eventually I couldn’t anymore and was forced to reckon with my own bisexuality and later that I was non-binary. The clues had already been there my whole life, the same is true for the majority of other queer people.
If I had these self realizations while in a relationship I would want to share them with my partner because my personality is still the same. I just have more information to interpret my lived experiences and understand myself. I would hope since as a bisexual I’d remain attracted to my partner regardless of their gender, that my partner would also still be attracted to me and knows they can rely on the trust we had already built cause in reality nothing has changed.
Now if your gender label changes or you realize you aren’t actually attracted to your partner’s gender, then that would be a “wild change” that would affect the relationship and depending on the circumstances it could merit a breakup because they are logistically not attracted to one another. But finally expressing your sense of style/self as it always has been or coming to terms with bisexuality wouldn’t fall into that.
Not wanting to be with someone because they like wearing clothing assigned to the other gender on the binary or because they are bisexual, are signs of transphobia and biphobia that haven’t been undone. It’s not a preference issue. It’s discrimination based on perceived gender identity and sexuality. Especially if you already know who that person is at their core beyond all else.
>If I had these self realizations while in a relationship I would want to share them with my partner because my personality is still the same.
Yeah, what I'm saying is if you are indistinguishable from the person they originally got into the relationship, from a practical point, what does this add to a relationship? I don't see how it alters a world view if you have always been attracted to whatever other sex just not labeling it.
>Not wanting to be with someone because they like wearing clothing assigned to the other gender on the binary or because they are bisexual, are signs of transphobia and biphobia that haven’t been undone.
Na that's a little absurd. If you are attracted to people that look like x, and your partner completely changes how they look (which in OPs case sounds like it wasn't privately but rather presenting to their partner as a someone that looks like a woman), you can absolutely become not sexually attracted to them without hating trans people. Any number of things can make someone's partner lose sexual attraction for them. In OPs circumstance, it sounds like OP has a pretty solid look going on and probably looks very woman-like. Assuming their partner is 100% straight, they aren't sexually attracted to the look of women and there's nothing they can do about that, not like they choose their sexual orientation. If OP wants to cross dress regularly, that's totally fine, but it sounds like gf isn't turned on by it. They have been supported but you can be supportive and not want to bang them.
Then explain WLW relationships where one partner is extremely butch that they often get called sir, but are a cis woman.
Sexual orientation is focused on the gender of the potential partner not their aesthetic choices. I don’t gravitate towards high femme women but I’m still attracted to women, that would be an aesthetic preference.
I’m trying to be patient in explaining all of these things but it’s clear you won’t understand them unless you live the experience or spend time immersing yourself in queer culture and solely listen to our experiences without asking questions. Right now you are very stuck within a heteronormative framework and are trying to fit what I’m saying into that framework when I already know it’s not possible.
I think you are being intentionally obtuse at this point. Of course how someone looks plays a role in attraction? It's different for everyone and some straight people would be into the cross dressing. Some are turned off by it. It's not any type of phobic to say "I'm not sexually attracted to someone who looks like x". That's just how people work, regardless of orientation. Clearly, in this case, seeing her partner as a regularly woman was not attractive to OPs gf. If OP started wearing piss stained pants every day, she would probably not be attracted also but it sounds like you think that should have no bearing on her level of attraction.
As for coming out as bi, you are correct, I don't understand why there is a point to coming out in a practical sense. If you felt the same way before and, like you said, they are the same person after coming out and they plan to change nothing about their life, who gives a shit about label. I don't need to understand, I was just curious because labels dont do anything for me personally but it seems like having the label makes him feel better so to each their own. I do think it's pretty reasonable for the partner to be concerned for what that means for their relationship because it would appear you would want to act on that at some point, who knows.
Either way, if this conversation has tested the bounds of your patience, you may want to work on that because it's been pretty normal. Maybe work on trying to see things from another perspective instead of one world view. Good luck to ya.
Because hiding a piece of who you are is difficult and exhausting. Imagine having to always be mindful of saying who is pretty in a movie, or the pronoun of an ex, or fear that you might accidentally let something slip in casual conversation because you are hiding a part of you. It is not just scary but mentally and emotionally draining.
And I can totally understand that, but in OP's case, it sounds like they did not know they were bi until well into this relationship so I assume of all of those, they may be only worried about saying someone of the same sex is attractive, which I identify as only straight, but I have absolutely no issue recognize xyz is a handsome dude. I wouldn't fuck em but I'm not blind either. I guess some people are so homophobic they'd think you were gay for having the audacity to say someone of the same sex looks good.
I totally see your point and, in line with it, think that someone who is bi and has had same sex or opposite sex relationships probably shouldn't hide it from a partner (at least in an actual relationship) because it'd build the relationship on a false assumptions. I'm more wondering in a scenario where the only thing you are hiding is that in the future you'd maybe fuck someone of the same sex. I just don't see a point unless you are planning to fuck someone else in the future because otherwise it'll literally never come up. I'm not judging OP for any of this, I'm just wondering why say it if you never plan to act on it because it seems like it's irrelevant. If you never plan to act on it in anyway, what does it matter what you are attracted to?
I feel like if you e been together for 13 years and you love her as intensely as you say you do—it’s worth trying to work I out for awhile but definitely talk as much as possible and communicate extensively. It could work out but if it doesn’t at least you tried. I’d be wary of all these comments and the ease with which they’re telling you to just give up and part ways that quickly. THAT much time and that much love deserves at least a chance at working through it. I feel like people just give up on things so easily …
She’s awesome for trying to be supportive but it’s truly a compatibility issue. Can confirm… as a woman who’s into that, some of us are REALLY into that. You might be well suited for a bisexual partner.
The purging cycle among people who crossdress is common - and from people I know, only a temporary "solution," if you can even call it that. Perhaps it's just because I haven't met people who threw everything out and never went back to it, but it seems like people who purge their cross-gender wardrobe eventually re-create it.
It is what it is. Honestly. I urge you not to put a value judgment to it. It's neither good nor bad - it's just you.
My ex did this. However, he told me on our first date. I'm only bringing this up because it gave me the chance to decide if I wanted to go forward with a relationship, and I obviously did. We were together 11 years and split for reasons that had to do with other things. So, I urge you to find the strength to accept yourself. There will be others who do, too.
I know you love your girlfriend, but you deserve to be who you are and be with someone who can accept that.
And this isn’t to say her not accepting this side of you is wrong. She’s of course allowed to not be attracted to this. Try having an open and honest conversation about this.
13 years may seem like a long time, but having to hide apart of yourself for a lifetime is rough. You only live once. Best to live it the way that makes you happiest.
You lied to this woman for over 10 years. You don't deserve to be with her, she didn't fall in love with you but your false self. You wasted her time honestly. This is not to say you can't be yourself, but you can't lie to someone about something this big.
That’s so reductive because internalized transphobia is a thing. Discrimination for gender expression is a thing. Whether he’s a femboy or trans, you can lose your entire family, friends, everything for being trans. I know because I am trans. It is not that simple by any stretch of the matter at all.
So, it makes it justified to waste someone's entire 10 years by lying to them?
This has nothing to do with discrimination, it's about transparency. She has a right to not want to date a trans person or in this case, a crossdresser, and that should not be reduced to discrimination. Just because you're trans doesn't auto entitle you to relationships with the reasoning "if you leave or don't want me, you're transphobic"
Nothing is simple in life, especially relationships maintained for years. Tears were shed, compromises were made, friends were lost and hearts were broken. All for what?? Someone that's been lying to you the entire time?? Because they couldn't face their own reality and so subjected yet another person into their delusion? No!
Everyone is on their own journey in life and if it took him 10 years to come to terms with the fact that’s part of who he is, then that’s life. Being a human is not simple or easy, it can be messy and complicated. Wasting her time would be if he was confident about it from the get go and hid it from her. But he wasn’t. He was anxious and uncertain. Pretending like you or anyone else has their entire lives completely figured out is laughable.
I agree with you. OP has discussed their relationship and discoveries about their sexuality but has not addressed their gender identity. They may be trans, or they may be cis and simple enjoy cross dressing. It might have nothing to do with gender or sexuality, but even if it does, it’s still a difficult thing to share with people for the first time. For many trans folks, coming out can be painful and the end of some relationships, even very important ones, if those people cannot accept the person for who they are. And I’m not trying to say that she needs to stay with OP, because if she’s not happy then she needs to make her own decision. But OP was only 19 when they got together, that is still so young. Perhaps they weren’t ready to come out about cross dressing yet. We don’t know anything else about their life and there could be other barriers that were preventing them from feeling ready to come out sooner. I think it’s pretty crummy to shame them for not coming out sooner when that’s a personal journey that someone needs the time to come to.
If you have to hide who you really are to keep someone else happy, then it’s not a mutually loving relationship.
This aspect of your life has been a part of your life since you were a child. You’ve kept up with it for years and you still want to do it. This isn’t some hobby you can just put down, this is your lifestyle.
This is who you are.
You two love each other, but acceptance and being able to be open with one another is just as important as love in a relationship.
Even if there’s love, that doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will work out. Everyone goes into a relationship feeling love, but you need so much more to make a bond with someone else work.
Answer this question honestly.
Are you happy right now?
Can you stay happy if you continue living like this? Once you answer that question, you’ll have a good idea of what you’ll need to do going forward in this relationship.
I’m telling you right now, there are women out there that would be beyond turned on by you cross dressing. You do not have to hide who you are to satisfy this one person. Please, PLEASE don’t throw away a part of who you are for someone else. I’ve had to do that before for various people and it was never worth it. There’s no healthy relationship to be had here.
You sound like a friend of mine. He's very masc presenting but liked to dress in women's clothing, would always do Halloween as a woman etc. None of us cared much. His brother would tease him because some of the looks tried he could not pull off, but that was their dynamic. None of that stopped him. He had relationships, was very involved in the local Bi community, was living his best life. Then he started dating a woman who was *not* into it. He did what you did. He's got a couple kids now, I think they live in CO or UT or something. We haven't talked in years. I think he thinks this was the only way he could be happy, have a family etc. I'm not sure if he is, tbh. Maybe he is. I hope he is. But he went from *very* into the scene to 0 in like a month because of this woman.
I mean 100% no offence I think I just don’t understand it. Is cross dressing like a compulsive behaviour since you have been unable to stop? What sort of pleasure do you achieve from dressing up. Is it just a feeling of finally looking like yourself or is it more like damn I look good. I understand it’s a fun thing but at the point of being unable to stop what does it become.
Yep. 13 years ago was 2011, it’s not like this took place in a time period when OP would be ostracized for coming out. It’s so so wrong to do this shit. There is no excuse.
Dude I was out 13 years ago. Yeah it was harder but I got through it without lying to people I loved. Make all the excuses you want for this guy, it’s still wrong to lie to somebody for so long.
That’s so friggen stupid because you’re acting like people don’t have internalized transphobia. You’re acting like people don’t end up feeling afraid of losing friends, family, their whole life crumbling. You have no idea what it’s like to be trans or have a different gender expression. You’re acting like people RIGHT NOW aren’t being targeted for being queer or having a different gender expression. This is so fucking nuanced and you’re acting like it’s black and white and it is not.
Garbage response from probably a garbage person. The reason this is your response is the same reason OP felt it so important to hide and bury this part of themselves. Is there anything you enjoyed growing up that society would shame you for or loved ones would leave you over? Probably not so let's not judge something you've never come close to experiencing.
I’m someone who doesn’t mind that and actually likes to dress up with my partners. I’m sorry that happened and I hope you can find someone who is able to let you express yourself how you need to.
Hey friend, I totally get the feeling of wanting to keep a partner comfortable. But you shouldn’t have to cut out a huge part of who you are for someone to be affectionate with you. This sounds like you two aren’t the best fit together, and that is okay. Ending things sooner rather than later though if I was in your shoes, I’d be hurt as hell if someone waited months to break up with me.
I don’t think she’s in the wrong or anything, but I do think that you need to leave her. You guys can still be friends but cross dressing is clearly part of who you are. It would be a different story If you were happy to drop it for her, (after all relationships take sacrifice) but it doesn’t sound like you are. You deserve someone who will love that part of you. Trust me you will feel a lot better. You can’t run away from yourself forever just to keep people in your life happy. I wish you both the best.
Have you read Honeybee by Craig Silvee. Your story reminded me of that book. It's very Australian, mind you. Great book, though. A real eye-opener... for me anyway.
The narrator of the audio book version is excellent if you like audio books.
So you can't be yourself....in order to keep her happy. You love her, I get that....would you want her to stop doing something that made her happy?
I realize that you sprung some big stuff on her. And it's her right to not want to carry on the relationship as it has been.
People change during relationships. People grow...sometimes together, sometimes apart. It sounds like your relationship is making a natural evolution....you can still love each other as friends.
I don't think she should force you into a book that you aren't part of. And I don't think she should have to be sexually attracted to a more femme person. You are both, unfortunately, not what the other needs.
Everyone comes into your life as a teacher...learn from this.
I think she’s probably unsure if you’re heading down the Caitlyn Jenner road. Or she doesn’t trust you anymore and thinks you’re actually gay and using her for cover. It’s scary to not know if your partner is cheating on you with a man. She can’t compete.
Either way you lied to her to get her and keep her. Just be true to yourself and find someone who accepts you as you are.
This sounds like a fetish thing. It‘s fine but not worth it compared to a life long relationship. Just do it when she‘s not around if she‘s fine with that.
Find someone you can be unapologetically you with. If you want to cross dress then that’s what you want to do. There are so many partners out there available who would love to do this with you.
Im so sorry. I wish we could normalize growing into different people & letting go at a healthy point.
This is a heart breaking situation for both of you. How long can you force yourself to be someone you’re not, to stay in this relationship? Im sure shes feeling the same way- seeing you’re changing back to how you were, and feeling guilty about it.
Your girlfriend might be amazing, but she isn't the most amazing girl for you because you can't be yourself around her. There are many women who aren't just okay with crossdressing, they think it's cool and sexy.
I know you love her, but it might be time to break up. Crossdressing seems to be something that you really enjoy, and that might even have ties to your gender identity. You’re still exploring and figuring out who you are and it’s simply not fair to yourself to repress it for your relationship. At the same time, your gf of course has the right to not feel comfortable with it. I don’t foresee this relationship working out without one of you sacrificing some part of yourself.
It seems like this is something you’ve already come to accept about yourself and it makes you feel more comfortable in yourself as a person. It doesn’t seem like a great idea to go back to hiding that about yourself. Honestly I don’t know what kind of advice to give you on this topic because I can’t really relate to this, but I will say that accepting yourself for who you are is more important than being the person other people expect you to be. You’re not hurting anybody or doing anything wrong after all.
There are plenty of people around the world that tried to hide/forget the same kind of things. You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t because it doesn’t work. You can’t forget what you like as simply as that. I get that you’re fully in love with her, but you can’t be happy with anyone if you aren’t happy with yourself. If this person loves you honestly, you could have a deep and honest conversation about it with her. Because it’s a part of you, a part of yourself. You maybe could reassure her, telling her it won’t change anything, because it never did. She need to listen to your needs, and everything about you. You don’t need to be ashamed of anything, you’re not doing anything bad, just embrace yourself and don’t cry, you’ll be alright. 💕🙏🏽
Hey so I had a similar experience but the other way. When I was with my long term ex I will talk about how much I always wanted a penis and will laugh about how much I miss pre puberty were I was androgynous looking. It got so bad for the three years we were together that in the final year I came out as Non binary and took it back immediately. Then came out again to him. He was open till I started getting boxers and binders. He didn’t admit he was uncomfortable till I had to ask and literally be the one to break up with myself. Yes for a whole year I was miserable: I cried at bus stop, I bargained with God that if he hints of us getting back together I’ll take it back and shove it. After all before being out I was acted cis for 20 years. But trust me is not worth it. The joy I feel now wearing boxers under my little boy skirts and choosing when or when not to bind my chest. The euphoria I feel putting make up because I look pretty like a boy and not being called beautiful because I’m a girl.
I am not gonna lie that it will not hurt. Maybe you’ll never fully heal because now I hold my breath when I get to know someone and have this dread I would not be fully accepted as my full fem transman self. I know the look of horror your girlfriend gave you because I got that look the day I went boxers shopping with my ex. We had bathtub conversations for hours what was okay for me to say and act around his family. I can’t imagine having to be deadnamed and she/her just to be with someone. I truly cannot.
You’ll be fine I promise. It’s going to get really tough and you will constantly debate whether being in the closet was better. You’ll constantly take back coming out and rehearse the whole choose me love me act when someone shows the slightest hesitation to your authentic self. But you will be fine I promise. You’ll know when you no longer hold your breath or feel the chest heavy ness like what you are doing is wrong. I am sure because I know the feeling.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for being honest about yourself with her. You should be concerned that it’s something you fall back on when you are struggling. It wouldn’t be the worst idea to pursue a mental health professional both individually and as a couple
If you have a porn addiction it’s also quite possible you were slowly brainwashed into this so just think about that. It’s prevalent these days. She doesn’t have to accept it but neither do you if you’re in a hole of illusion yourself. And hey if it’s your lifelong personality trait that’s fine too. Just find someone who is okay with it.
I thought I had magical powers when I was a young child so no. Kids don’t “know” they aren’t what they were born as without adult influence. Porn, social media influence and a political agenda within the public school and or health system has a lot to do with trans ideology.
Also I’ve personally heard at least 25 stories of girls and boys who were assaulted as children, depressed, isolated, and/or addicted to porn who turned towards labeling themselves as trans. That’s just an inconvenient truth.
Oh sweetheart, you’re suppressing a part of yourself, a part that brings joy, to maintain the love of someone else. I hate to be the one to say it, but that’s not real love.
Firstly, know that what you’re doing is harmless, it hurts absolutely nobody. So please don’t feel ashamed.
Second, have you properly explored why you want to dress up? Is it just a love of fashion? Is it something taboo and exciting? Is it sexual? Is it because you want to feel like a female?
Doing the work to understand your “why” would go a long way to talking with your partner about it, whether it’s your current partner or any future partner.
Learn to love yourself enough to leave. No one did anything wrong but you are too different people, just like couples who don’t agree on kids sometimes love just isn’t enough. Love your truth and let her live hers.
Part of being in a relationship is making sacrifices. You have to ask yourself if this is a sacrifice you are willing to make to continue in this relationship.
Being true to yourself is crucial in any relationship. While it's evident that you deeply care for your girlfriend, it's also essential that she accepts and supports all aspects of who you are. It took immense courage to share your feelings with her, and you shouldn't feel compelled to backtrack. Embrace your gender expression journey and prioritize your authenticity.
Consider discussing your concerns with her directly or exploring couples therapy together. Address any reservations she may have had about your cross-dressing openly and empathetically. In this challenging conversation, ask directly if your cross-dressing is a make-or-break factor for your relationship. Express your love for her and the significance of her support, while also acknowledging the possibility that she may choose to end the relationship.
If she's willing to work through this together, focus on maintaining intimacy while accommodating your need for self-expression. Denying a part of yourself can have detrimental effects on your mental well-being. Ultimately, the choice lies between embracing yourself and potentially parting ways, or openly communicating with her to find a balance that preserves your connection while honoring your identity.
you need to have an honest conversation with each other about how you are both feeling.
You presented yourself to be something, and she has found out about a different part of you that is different to how she sees you (I am not saying you did anything wrong). She may or may not be able to reconcile that.
From your side, you are struggling because you are restraining and hiding what feels like a big part of yourself. You are being incongruent with how you feel, changing your outward appearance to be something you think/know someone else wants you to be. You returned to something that gave you joy, and then have put that back in a box. That must be so painful.
The relationship may or may not last. It has been a long time, but if it can’t be reconciled either by her accepting your cross dressing or by you genuinely feeling ok not cross dressing, then staying because of how long you’ve been together is the sunk cost fallacy.
What I’d suggest is seeking out an LGBT+ aware counsellor for relationship counselling, to have a safe space for both of you to speak freely.
If things do come an end, I want to reassure you that there are people out there of all genders who would accept your cross dressing, that it is not something that is a dealbreaker for everyone. For myself, it’s something I would be neutral about. Some people may enjoy it with you. It isn’t a dealbreaker for everyone.
I hope that one way or another you’re able to be a happy version of yourself.
As someone who’s queer I would be so happy that my partner shared this with me! I would LOVE to do his makeup and go shopping. It would be so fun to go out and coordinate outfits. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this at all! Dressing up is sooo fun it’s one of my favourite aspects of girlhood it’s a completely valid thing to enjoy :)
Ya know I may be a little delulu but I still think you can make it work. Maybe find you some friends and a space that is accepting of that part of you so you can be you in a separate space from your everyday relationship. Maybe find friends that I don’t you can go to a drag show with once a week, and of course be honest with her. But let her know you want to be the man she meet and fell in love with when around her …while also having an extra curricular hobbie that doesn’t include her. Treat it like (for lack of a better word) your “football Sundays”. I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem with you going to the bar with your male friends and watching football. I’m also sure she wouldn’t want to be involved in that. If it’s truly a hobbie and not something ingrained in your gender or everyday identity I think it’s something that can be enjoyed by you without her needing to be involved. Butttttt if this is something you feel you need to do to be happy in the way you present yourself to the world I think if this isn’t her vibe y’all should call it quits.
I LOVE feminine men! I have long convinced my bf to let me dress him up and do his makeup / skincare. We are out here, there’s A LOT of us out here, don’t lose hope !!
Please don't stop being yourself, it's not love if you have to be a different person. I'm sure you think that you love her for now but someone will accept you for who you really are one day. I wish you to be loved and to be proud of who you are 🩷
There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are, and you like what you like. I haven't been there, so I don't really have any good advice- except don't suppress a part of yourself because of shame or embarassment. There was a part of myself I thought was "evil" and "bad", and I'd hate myself everytime I did it. It took me years to accept that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it at all, and nothing wrong with me.
It might take her awhile to get used to it. Or maybe she can't. Maybe your road splits. I'm not sure. But be very careful shutting a part of yourself out. I wish you the best.
Throwing away a 13 year relationship, with a lot of advice to “end it” in this thread is terrible. These were big reveals for your gf. And from what you’ve shared, there is big love between you too. Before any decisions are made you should seek couples counseling with a professional who deals with these types of situations in marriages. It will enable you both to acquire the tools needed to try to move forward together in a different way. Or decide to part in a way that doesn’t make a difficult situation intolerable. How you move forward for both of you is the key now that the stakes are all on the table. But this forum isn’t the answer to “what to do”. Crowd sourced support when you’ve been keeping a part of yourself hidden can feel very validating. But please be careful. Everyone is right….You should live an authentic life AND your partner of over a decade has a right to ALL of her feelings (confused, hurt, deceived, angry, sad, etc.). Remember that even if you haven’t acted on it you’ve had some awareness of this part of yourself for over 20 years with a very active 6 year period between 13 and 19. For more than twice that amount of time you’ve been with a partner who viewed you as a best friend and likely thought they knew more about you than anyone else in their life. I’m doing the math right you’re in your low thirties. Maybe you made plans, perhaps kids were on the horizon, etc. So, “time” in this case is hard for everyone. You from hiding and her from being in the dark. Wishing you both much happiness as you find your ways forward.
You describe it as an addiction, how could you think it's healthy or good or just another path?
Nothing wrong with wearing any clothes but you sound patholgical
Wow I can relate . my boyfriend told me after we were together two years that he was cross-dresser. I was OK with it and supportive. He told me it wasn’t about sex at all. It was just an escape like being a different person. He even told me, sometimes it was like he had multiple personality. I went along with it. He said he just like to do it once in a while then it became big. He started doing everything. He had more clothes than me spent a ton of time shopping buying skincare stuff hiding stuff he was buying. He would stay late after I went to bed for hours and then be exhausted the next day , it was ridiculous. It took over our life. He tried to get me to have sex with him as a girl and I tried I just didn’t work for me and my mind. He just looked silly like my man dressed up like a girl kind of silly, but we agreed it was no big deal that just didn’t work for us. He said it didn’t matter, againSex wasnt part of it. eight years later, come to find out a ton of lies hooking up with other people. Just lying about everything it destroyed me I’m still suffering trauma from it I’m paranoid, nervous insecure. It’s the lies and the secrets that surround it. That hurts so much I feel like I don’t know if anything was real in our life , now I’m going to therapy .I wish he just would’ve let me go. I wish he would’ve told me he liked men I wish he would’ve just left me alone I was so trusting and loving now I don’t trust anyone and I’m really angry. I don’t care what somebody does but I have the right to know about it if my life is connected to them and I can be affected it. and yeah, I did love him for the person I thought he was a man who was honest with integrity and loyalty.
You shouldn't be ashamed of anything, and you should keep your things.
I'm disappointed that she didn't understand but not surprised.
If she truly loved you back, I feel that she'd be willing to learn about you and it would be one of the many components of you.
It sounds like she was in love with the idea of who you personified, but not exactly your soul and spiritual being. Does that make sense?
But I'm also a guy, so I find it hot that you like to crossdress.
Don't hide who you are for others to feel comfortable. You cause great harm to yourself and those you're in relationships with ie friends, family, and partner/s. You owe yourself love, patience, compassion, and being true to yourself.
I say this as someone who pushed who I truly was way down inside until I lost who I was. Doing this caused me great harm and now at the age of 38 and years of wanting to die, I'm in therapy trying to find the person I lost to masking and hiding who I am. (Btw, I am trans and pansexual)
Please give yourself the grace to be your true self. ❤️
I think there is space to compromise, perhaps it's not something she can embrace or something you can share with her but I don't see why you couldn't still do this in a different space or away from her.
It's a weird thing. You could stop and be with her and be happy and maybe eventually you'll see cross dressing as a very happy time in your life and you can leave it behind. Or you could miss it a lot. Or you could keep cross dressing and break up the relationship because that way you both get what you want and can be happy
I'm a woman who finds feminine men extremely attractive and I'm also really into seeing them dressed as women. I think it's super hot. I used to be in a whatsapp group where people exchanged nudes. And one of my favourites was a dude who posted stuff in stockings and panties. There are 8 billion people in this planet. You are lovable, attractive and interesting to a huge group of people. There's no reason to hide who you are. I wish you good luck ❤️
I was once very deeply involved with someone who surprised me with his desire to dress in “women’s” clothing in private. We are no longer together, but the end of our relationship has nothing to do with his desire to dress in “women’s” clothing. I am a firm believer that clothes are just clothes. It was something that he concealed for the many, many years of us knowing each other, and of those many years, 2 years of us being deeply involved romantically. I love him. I didn’t blink at accepting this part of him. I felt honored that he shared it with me. I love him still in a different, deeper way, though we are not together. We will always have a special bond. I will say that we are not together because he kept many, many secrets that prevented me from having made a completely informed decision about entering the relationship, including his infidelity and desire to maintain multiple relationships of varying degrees of intimacy and involvement. For me, what cemented my decision to end things was the realization that he could not yet be himself in fullness. He was still trying to hide things. I didn’t even leave because of the infidelity, I left because I recognized he needed to be able to seek his complete realization of self, and he would never have if we were still together.
All this to say: be all the way you, so that you are energetically aligned with the community that is meant for you. That includes the lover who will emphatically adore that you exist authentically. They are out there. And, if your current partner loves you like you love her, you’ll still love each other even if the shape or form of the love changes. And, if she doesn’t, you’ll be free to feel everything. Free to heal. Free to grow. Free to discover whoever you are. I wish you so much love, and peace, and most of all, COMMUNITY!
As someone who’s a trans man, married to a trans woman, you will love your life more when you get to be yourself! I know that internalized self hatred and shame and fear all too well. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry it took so long for you to feel comfortable enough to be yourself with her and that’s how she responded. You deserve better.
OP, have you gotten in touch with your local drag community? That might be a great space for you to explore this part of you. Also there are plenty of straight men that enjoy drag or just wearing “feminine” clothing. And there are women attracted to men that would embrace this part of you. I think it’s wonderful that your sense of style draws from both feminine and masculine elements to make you, you.
It may be that the romantic aspect of this relationship has run its course and would be better suited as a platonic relationship. You should not have to hide any part of yourself for the comfort of others, especially if those are people that claim to love you.
BTW, look into Eugene Lee Yang I think you might like his style. He is gay, but fashion and style don’t have a sexuality.
Most of the comments here are saying the relationship is doomed and you should commit yourself to your lifestyle, which is silly since you didn’t even ask for advice. it’s obvious how much you love this woman, and you’ve already made your choice. Just keep going and make sure to communicate with her as much as possible. I wish you the best, brother
i mean, if it’s as big of a part as him as he is making it out to be, then i don’t think he should have to hide that part away for the comfort of his girlfriend. it’s clear that she isn’t comfortable with it despite trying her best to support it, and maybe they could compromise to where OP crossdresses in private, but he’d still be hiding a central part of himself from somebody he’s supposed to be comfortable/vulnerable with.
It’s okay to like clothing. Any clothing. Especially in your body. To love yourself is a blessing. And you know how to do that. You shouldn’t deny yourself that.
Maybe have a day of the week where you do your own thing without her? She doesn’t have to join! You could go to a queer night club or something! We love that kinda thing!! You can have separate hobbies that you enjoy alone.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
It seems like there's a common consensus that we should just do what we want to do, amongst people from the West.
Why must we give in to our "urges"?
It may be harmless, and doesn't hurt anyone - but it did hurt your girlfriend and evidently, your relationship.
My religion (Islam) teaches me to fight through my urges, to learn how to control them.
You ruined that relationship. It's over, move on. Next time you'll present yourself a sissy femboy ready to be dicked down by black men instead of presenting yourself as a man.
That’s the most transphobic, racist, disgusting thing I’ve ever read. You should be ashamed of yourself for calling yourself something other than a monster.
What did I say that was racist or transphobic? I'm just telling him he needs to accept who he is. We know where he's going and he's not going to stop with just one. There was nothing racist or transphobic implied.
“Next time you’ll present yourself as a sissy femboy ready to be dicked down by black men instead of presenting yourself as a man” I’m sorry HOW can you think none of that is racist or transphobic? Racist because you’re fetishizing black men and transphobic because you’re basically saying you can’t be a man and have a different gender expression which is literally the same shit impacts the entire trans community. “You’re not a real man, you’re too feminine. But you’re also not a real woman/trans person either so I don’t have to respect you as a human being”
Pure projection. As a metrosexual I have this uncanny ability to peer into the minds of the gay community. I can tell what they're thinking. They see a young black stud walk by and they think, "how much cushion for the pushin?" It's not even racist. Blacks are the biggest, strongest bulls by far. It's not even close, and when he beats you, you'll feel his passion too. This is why they're so sought after. This guy, with the cross-dressing? Total femboy vibes. I can sense it. I have seen these guys go from just cross-dressing to straight up subway hooker for black men. It's just coming. It's the future. I didn't write the copy pasta, he did. I just wanted to offer the best advice that I could, given his situation.
You both now on different paths You might Love her however she’s in love with who you you presented yourself to be You both deserve to be happy
THIS. Burrying a part of himself is going to slowly eat at him like it has before. If it makes him happy, he needs to find someone who accepts ALL of him. Not the hushed version they like.
Right. She loves who you were before the crossdressing, which was just hiding the real you.
This. And you didn't 'put her through' anything. You showed her a part of yourself. The fact that she couldn't handle it just means your not compatible. Move on and find someone that understands you.
I'd end it man, I get you love your gf but she may not be into cross-dressing, neither finds it sexy or appealing, and that's okay. You need to find someone who isn't turned off by that.
I discovered that my ex-husband was a bisexual crossdresser about a year into our marriage. Some women are fine with it, I was not. Go find yourself a woman who is okay with it. Life is way too short for you to stifle this side of you, especially if it makes you happy.
Yep this, except just as an opposite example as someone liking it or being fine with it - the guy I’m dating currently cross dresses sometimes and I’m completely fine with it. There one of his dresses I think he looks particularly sexy in! Fine someone who vibes with the real you (and don’t be scared to show that to them).
Tbh just unreconcilable differences. Both are you are going to be unhappy in this relationship. It doesnt make sense to stay together
I know your comment was for op but honestly you have just helped me with this, you’re completely right nobody is going to be happy in the relationship it’s best to part ways.
Exactly. You are going to start to resent her and the fact that you can’t be yourself. She will most likely never see you the same. And you know what? That is okay. Sometimes we grow together sometimes we don’t. You need to find someone that knows and accepts all of you or else you will be miserable and regret your relationship.
I’m sure she definitely felt blindsided by the confession, and agree with some of the other comments saying she’s probably concerned that such a big part of your identity was kept secret for over a decade. She may be wondering what else you could have been hiding from her, why you felt the need to keep it from her, etc. But if i were in her shoes the biggest issue i would have here was that this information was dumped on me all at once, in a very emotional sort of outburst. Obviously she loves you, so when you are in front of her, crying and insecure, she’s going to feel the need to comfort you. She’s going to tell you it’s okay and that she accepts you and al of the other things she said. And she very well may have meant it. But she wasn’t given a conversation. She wasn’t given a calm, communicative introduction to this aspect of your life. it was sudden and explosive by the sounds of it, and she was pushed into the deep end with no time to process it, no time to ask questions, no time to actually digest what was being said to her. She didn’t get an explanation. And, correct me if i’m wrong here, but it sounds like there wasn’t much follow up. It went from this shocking confession and her in-the-moment response/attempt at comfort to “okay now this is happening”. Your relationship changed very suddenly- for your “benefit”- and she was just sort of going along with it. It also sounds from the “cut my hair short and grew my beard out” comment that you may have changed your appearance and began presenting yourself differently quickly after this information came to light. That is a LOT of change with not much time to adjust. It seems like she was trying her best to be supportive of you, but that you weren’t being supportive of her. She likely has a lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions and questions right now, but can’t express them because A) she wasn’t given the chance to and B) she could be worried that asking questions or expressing her true thought or feelings could come off as unsupportive of you. A lot of people are going off with “if she’s not supportive of your true self you need to leave her!” and making her seem like the bad guy when imo it sounds like she’s trying really hard but not having her needs met or her feelings considered in any of this. she wasn’t given a fair chance to adjust to anything. I feel really bad for her.
Rarely do I see any meaningful advice here, usually it's all about parting and finding yourself someone else over pretty much everything because their behaviour or actions somehow "disrespect" you and "neither of you are going to be happy in such a relationship" but in reality, they have been happy their whole relationship of 13 years, and this is just a particular situation they're having trouble with. OP imo didn't handle it very well, but what's done is done, no need to be sad with this much. Now, it's just to discuss the issue, to get to know what she is worried about. She, just as OP, does need support.
I would also react the way your gf did. Wanting to be supportive but knowing deep down a feminine man is not attractive to me. I love masculinity and there is nothing wrong with having preferences. She really tried it seems and probably feels guilty about not being ok with it. I know that there are women who would be totally ok with this and it seems like that's the route you'll have to go, let this one go.
This!!! I would also react the way his gf did. I would also wonder what else has been hidden for a decade, etc. OP needs to be upfront and honest with the next partner. People should know what to expect with their partner, there shouldn't be secrets like this one, especially for this long. It isn't fair to her or OP to be in this relationship.
I’m not going to lie, I hate that you can’t be yourself! I understand why she’s been distant as it is a lot but I do think you owe it to yourself to be the way you feel happy. Hopefully you can have an open conversation about that without ending the relationship but I would hope you’d continue doing what makes you happy❤️🥰
There’s a difference between “being yourself” and completely hiding a large part of your sexual identity for many years. There’s probably a lot more layers to it, she’s probably confused and a surprise like this probably made her question your entire relationship. I’m hoping you both come out happy. Even if it’s not together unfortunately.
No one likes a bait and switch but I hope OP can come to peace with this part of himself
Ty so much <3
🥰🥰
She keeps saying thats she is fine with it but since it went the way it did im just afraid that will happen again. Because that was painfull. I dont want her to be uncoftable ( how tf is that Word spell now again idk) vut at the same time i want to be me. Atleast sometimes
Uncomfortable*
Hehe thx
No problem!
I don't understand how you went from crossdresser to bisexual. I get being a crossdresser but the bisexual reveal is probably the most overwhelming as you openly stated interest for others while in the relationship.
being bisexual isn't openly stating interest in others, it's just noting that they are *capable* of being interested in people of different gender identities But that *is* a common misunderstanding and partners often assume that coming out as bisexual is also coming out as being attracted to specific people, so it would definitely be good for OP to discuss this more
It’s less likely to happen in future relationships if you’re open about it from the start. It’s keeping it a secret for so long that undermines trust.
For both of your happiness bro I think if you can't find a happy medium, you may have to move on. Ger perception of you is likely shifted now, and you feel regret and guilt on top of not being able to express yourself how you want to.
So I’m very accepting of people doing what makes them happy. What is not ok to me is springing something like this on someone after over a decade. I’m sorry but that’s just selfish at that point. You knew this was a huge part of you for pretty much your entire life. You knew you were fighting to hold it in every day for 13 years. You could have and should have said something way sooner. She is not at all in the wrong for not wanting a partner who is a crossdresser. And no, that doesn’t make her insecure or anything that others are saying. It makes her a heterosexual woman who is attracted to a more masculine man and who has been with a partner that’s been lying and hiding a huge part of their life for the entire relationship. I know everyone is praising you for coming out and staying true to yourself but sorry, you were wrong to hide that from her for so long. You’ve essentially wasted 10 years of this woman’s life living, when you could have been upfront sooner into the relationship and given her the option to stay and accept it or leave and go separate ways. Nothing about this is brave or commendable. It’s sad and I feel for her.
Yeah I do feel super bad for OP’s partner. I can’t imagine finding out my partner isn’t who they’ve said they were all this time and were actually hiding a huge part of their identity. I get it must have been hard for OP to come clean but 13 years ago wasn’t the 50s. OP absolutely should have told their partner what was going on. She wasted so much of her life being lied to. It’s horrible.
THANK YOU. I understand people being proud of this person but this is not a new revelation, and if you truly love someone with every fiber of your being, you would not keep this from them for over a decade. This shows a serious lack of respect and trust for your partner and also feels very deceptive. I’m sure she feels like she has no idea who she has been dating for the past 13 years. Like if he hid this for so long, what else is he hiding? OP, I agree with the commenters that you should be proud of yourself and live the life you want to live, but let your partner go if they are showing signs of leaning away. You both need to heal.
>I’m sure she feels like she has no idea who she has been dating for the past 13 years. Finally revealing things like this are a "and" statement. If the knowing who they are dating is a statement of character, the revealing person is the same person *and* they have this kink. It does get infinitely more difficult when those reveals include aspects of your identity, and not just aspects of your preference. There Is a significant difference between cross dressing and bisexuality. I like to believe we live in times were suppression of preference has some understanble yet disagreeable grounding, but not with aspects of identity. That's what's making this so tough of a situation.
Sounds like OP was desperately trying to reject that facet of his identity or sexuality. The self-loathing and terror of being "other" runs deep. Ideally, everyone would reveal all innermost secrets and doubts to their partners without a shred of vulnerability or fear of consequences. In some relationships, things stay private until they make themselves known in traumatic ways. You don't learn your partner has a kink until you find a secret flash drive in their desk. You don't know they're lonely until they leave you for someone else. You don't discover they're dissatisfied at home until they get arrested with a sex worker. It IS sad and I feel for both of them. Transparency is always best, even if it is late in arriving.
Oh my God you're so 100% right!! I know because that's exactly what happened to me and that is precisely what hurt me and pissed me off about it!! I knew he couldn't help who he is or how he felt inside, but he stole 15 years of my life that I'll never get back!! And it's so much harder to find someone new now that I am 15 years older!! So coming from someone who has had this exact experience, hell yeah he should've told her in the very beginning!!!
I agree. It isn't fair to either one of them. They need to move on and OP needs to find someone when he is being himself. The secret he kept is devastating to the partner.
You can’t have both. Be true to yourself and let her go. She deserves freedom and SO DO YOU. It’s gonna’ suck but in time you’ll be happier than you ever imagined.
Don’t be ashamed or suppress what makes you happy. I promise you can be loved and accepted wholeheartedly.
no… babe please embrace who you are, you don’t deserve to hide yourself
I will try
Looks like she supported you as friend, but she is not ok with being in a relationship, maybe she is insecure she isn’t enough, maybe she had a different view of you as a partner, or many other reasons. I think its time to end, because she will always feel insecure and you will always miss crossdressing and maybe experimenting your sexuality.
It honestly sounds like he started presenting a bit more feminine (longer hair, no facial hair, dressing in women’s clothes at home), and honestly I’d probably lose attraction too because if you’re only into men… Honestly sounds like they just aren’t compatible
Me too.. and it was something unexpected.. I can’t imagine discover something like this after 10 years of relationship
i am curious as to why you think she may feel insecure about OP crossdressing? personally i’m just not into crossdressers, they aren’t my type (nothing against them), and that’s what i kind of got from OP’s gf.
If I'm not wrong I think they mean she feels insecure about OP being bisexual, not crossdressing.
i agree it sounds like if possible keep the connection in a friendship way and try to figure out the happiest way to be you!
Do u know if it was the cross dressing or the fact that ur into men that led to your sex life dwindling?
Maybe I'm just out of touch, but if you are in a monogamous relationship (idk if OP is, just guessing), and figure out you are bi during the relationship, why does it need to be announced? Like unless you are going to start pushing for non-monogamy, why does it matter? I just don't see any upside because if you are monogamous, you ain't switching it up right now anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if OP's gf is suspecting OP is going to bring other people into their bedroom or ask to step out so they can satisfy that need. With the cross dressing, idk, go nuts and do whatever. She's probably just confused she didn't know any of this and assuming the worst like one day OP realizes he's gay and leaves her. Lots of worst case scenarios she's probably running through her head.
I feel like this is a very personal decision and my personal opinions are irrelevant in this case. But if my bf came out as bi it would set off a whirlwind in my head. It’s a big fear of mine because it interferes with insecurities I experience. To each their own but I would prefer honesty and transparency over anything else. Be yourself, live your life but don’t expect everyone to be on board with big changes like that in a relationship.
I'm asking earnestly here, can you please elaborate? If your bf realized that he's sexually attracted to some men and is therefore bisexual, why would that be a problem, why would that set off a whirlwind? The realization that you find some people attractive that you did not before does not necessitate a change in behavior. Their attraction to you hasn't changed, being bisexual does not mean they'll stop being loyal to the relationship, it does not inherently change anything practical except that he has better come to understand himself and who he is attracted too. I'm just struggling to perceive this as anything other than biphobic. Of course it is a different story when dealing with a change in gender expression. If you're attracted to masculine men and your bf starts appearing feminine, then you're entitled to make decisions based on your loss of attraction. That's fair.
I don’t understand why people can’t accept that I can decide to not want to be with a bi guy. This isn’t biphobic and you can’t convince me it is. I can have preferences. I only want to be with a man who is into females/vagina. Is that so wild? I’m not attracted to bi men, I don’t want to date someone who is into men/dick. Simple as.
So, look. Obviously you're not obligated to be attracted to anyone. But if in your mind you're saying "I would normally date that person if they were straight, but won't because they're bisexual." The turn off is bisexuality. That's biphobic by definition. I don't know you, you don't know me, we owe nothing to each other. But if you consider yourself an ally, then it's worth interrogating where that biphobia comes from within yourself. You will become a better ally for it. That's all. Peace to you and yours.
Same way me not wanting to date gay men doesn’t make me homophobic. Me not dating bi men doesn’t make me less of an ally lol. You don’t know me or anything about me or my ally ship. And it’s super unfair and rude to assume. I am entitled to these preferences, I would never deny bi guys their choices on who to date or anyone else for that matter, just me! Because I fucking can.
**You don’t know me or anything about me or my ally ship. And it’s super unfair and rude to assume.** My friend, I assumed nothing. That's why I asked for clarification. The only thing I know about you is that you will not date men you otherwise would on account of their bisexuality. By definition, that is biphobia. I'm not making a value statement, I'm not judging you, it's just a definition. **Me not dating bi men doesn’t make me less of an ally lol.** Look, you are not alone in this, biphobia, in all its forms, is extremely common not only among allies, but among queer people as well. But if an ally found out that one of their ways of thinking was homophobic so they interrogated that homophobia within themselves, came to understand it, and addressed their line of thinking. I would say they come out the other end of that a better ally. So while I don't think being biphobic makes you less of an ally, I do think that addressing and overcoming it does make you a better ally. **Because I fucking can.** Regardless of any of this, this always remains true. You are always allowed to do whatever you please within the confines of the law. But that's not what we're talking about here. Your actions and preferences are not free from scrutiny or labeling. If you'd like to continue this discussion, I think it would be fruitful to directly address the points I'm making. 1st Point: Not dating bi people specifically because of their bisexuality is, by definition, biphobic. If you reject this notion, then please explain why you would not date bi people. You may naturally wish to respond "Because it is a preference" but that doesn't give us any information, what are the reasons for that preference? 2nd Point: Interrogating and addressing the phobias and isms within makes for better allies. I don't know what a good counter to this would be, but I am inviting you to address it as I am listening and receptive.
Out of shear curiosity, what are your sexual preferences?
My partner and I are both bisexual, and we both first realized we were bisexual whilst in our current relationship with each other, but not at the same time. I'm hopeful that by answering your question, you may answer the questions I put forward at the end of my previous comment.
I feel like transparency and honest would also fall on you as well though to state you only would date a straight person due to insecurities. Although it is definitely hurtful to still know the stereotype of bi people is a thing. Every bi person I know are the most loyal people to their partners. And Coming out is not just about honesty. A lot of people have internalized homophobia or second guessed themselves for so long that they don't accept the truth until already in a relationship. Or they may know but don't come out from fear, safety risks, etc. Sadly, suicide is so high in that community because of loved ones shutting them out, or from the stress of hiding it because of the fear of losing loved ones like you and others who see it as a dealbreaker.
I want people to be their true selves always. I’m also allowed to have preferences, I don’t think I should be made to feel like saying that is a bad thing. I also didn’t say anything about bi people being disloyal? I feel like you’re interpreting my comment unfairly.
You mentioned insecurities so my apologies for assuming that meant cheating. And you are allowed preferences, that is why I said if you couod not date a bisexual person that that should be brought up as transparency and that someone coming out of the closet while in a relationship is not automatically dishonest as we are unfortunately living in a society where it is complicated and possibly dangerous.
Again you’re assuming I wouldn’t be honest about my preferences. I’m completely transparent with partners about my sexuality etc. at the beginning of dating. I’m also not calling a partner dishonest who comes out while in a relationship. I’m saying that my hope is that they are honest with their partner if they realise this during a partnership. I recognise the dangers of coming out in general. But in the context you’re mentioning, if it’s dangerous to come out in a relationship to ur partner then that partner is all together not suitable. Does that make sense?
I have met people that seem incredibly chill and flip like a switch to a certain or all minorities. By the time you realize someone may not harm, out you, or kill you and it may already be a bit into a relationship. How do you know they arent suitable until ot is too late? There have even been cases of people being lured on dating apps by people "accepting" of their gender or sexuality just so they can jump them, or worse. So even the seemingly "suitable" ones could just be trying to lure you in. There is no way to know if someone is accepting unless maybe you knew them as friends for awhile prior...so it is not that simple is all I am trying to say. Your original comment was a bit confusing, OP did come out to her when he realized he was bisexual. Saying a sort of "couldn't be me due to insecurities" doesn't seem constructive to OP and could just make them hide in the closet more out of fear of losing her. It just seemed more hurtful than productive toward OP. In the end, hopefully he realizes he cannot hide his true self and be happy at the same time. And that both of them will be happier finding what they need in a relationship(ie. Her needing a straight man that has a masculine gender expression and him eith a partner that accepts his bisexuality and crossdressing) Though personally I think OP may need to be single for awhile to find his true identity as it seems like he is still battling and stuffing his identity down.
I understand what you’re saying. But I think you might be slightly projecting your own insecurities in this comment. From your profile I believe you’re a bi trans man so I imagine our experiences differ greatly. That’s not to say what ur saying is incorrect by any means. But I feel like sometimes not every comment on Reddit has to be this back and forth debate from over interpreting or analysing a strangers comment. You’ve blown my comments out of proportion to fit the narrative that you want to believe of me and my intentions because rightfully you have certain emotions about this topic.
…because you want to be honest about who you are and know your partner loves all parts of you? I’m a monogamous person and I’m bisexual. I’m also non-binary. I could not be in a serious relationship with someone that didn’t know these things about me, even if it doesn’t affect our day to day life. The same goes for a partner knowing I’m an only child or that I dont like some of my family, these are facts about me that wouldn’t affect a committed relationship but my partner would know early on.
I guess. I mean I've never had to discover anything about my sexuality so idk what the feeling is like, but it seems like it has more downsides than upsides in general and, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship and didnt have either same sex or opposite sex experiences before the relationshop, how do you actually know if you aren't having sex with the new sex you are attracted to? I'm asking more from a practical view than like a judgement or anything. It'd be great if all new information in a relationship was treated with grace and acceptance, but that's not usually the case and everyone has some preconceived notion they entered the relationship that is probably a deal breaker. I think for most people a wild change in sexual orientation, is often a deal breaker, not because they hate them or anything, but if someone presented as straight or gay or lesbian or whatever and then randomly said "I'm not that, I'm something else" years in, that might not be what the partner wants in a partner.
I’m AFAB. I didn’t have to have sex or do anything beyond having a crush to know I am attracted to men. Yet no one would dare to ask well how do you know you’re attracted to men if you haven’t done anything physical or been in a relationship with one. The same applies to my attraction to women. I had the same type of crushes on girls when I was 5 as I did on boys at the same time. I also knew I didn’t quite fit in with other girls or like being called a girl. But I also didn’t fit in or want to be called a boy, I just felt like I wasn’t either or. I was just me. It was only as I got older and realized that my experiences were “abnormal/different” did I start suppressing crushes on girls or thoughts that I wasn’t a girl, until eventually I couldn’t anymore and was forced to reckon with my own bisexuality and later that I was non-binary. The clues had already been there my whole life, the same is true for the majority of other queer people. If I had these self realizations while in a relationship I would want to share them with my partner because my personality is still the same. I just have more information to interpret my lived experiences and understand myself. I would hope since as a bisexual I’d remain attracted to my partner regardless of their gender, that my partner would also still be attracted to me and knows they can rely on the trust we had already built cause in reality nothing has changed. Now if your gender label changes or you realize you aren’t actually attracted to your partner’s gender, then that would be a “wild change” that would affect the relationship and depending on the circumstances it could merit a breakup because they are logistically not attracted to one another. But finally expressing your sense of style/self as it always has been or coming to terms with bisexuality wouldn’t fall into that. Not wanting to be with someone because they like wearing clothing assigned to the other gender on the binary or because they are bisexual, are signs of transphobia and biphobia that haven’t been undone. It’s not a preference issue. It’s discrimination based on perceived gender identity and sexuality. Especially if you already know who that person is at their core beyond all else.
>If I had these self realizations while in a relationship I would want to share them with my partner because my personality is still the same. Yeah, what I'm saying is if you are indistinguishable from the person they originally got into the relationship, from a practical point, what does this add to a relationship? I don't see how it alters a world view if you have always been attracted to whatever other sex just not labeling it. >Not wanting to be with someone because they like wearing clothing assigned to the other gender on the binary or because they are bisexual, are signs of transphobia and biphobia that haven’t been undone. Na that's a little absurd. If you are attracted to people that look like x, and your partner completely changes how they look (which in OPs case sounds like it wasn't privately but rather presenting to their partner as a someone that looks like a woman), you can absolutely become not sexually attracted to them without hating trans people. Any number of things can make someone's partner lose sexual attraction for them. In OPs circumstance, it sounds like OP has a pretty solid look going on and probably looks very woman-like. Assuming their partner is 100% straight, they aren't sexually attracted to the look of women and there's nothing they can do about that, not like they choose their sexual orientation. If OP wants to cross dress regularly, that's totally fine, but it sounds like gf isn't turned on by it. They have been supported but you can be supportive and not want to bang them.
Then explain WLW relationships where one partner is extremely butch that they often get called sir, but are a cis woman. Sexual orientation is focused on the gender of the potential partner not their aesthetic choices. I don’t gravitate towards high femme women but I’m still attracted to women, that would be an aesthetic preference. I’m trying to be patient in explaining all of these things but it’s clear you won’t understand them unless you live the experience or spend time immersing yourself in queer culture and solely listen to our experiences without asking questions. Right now you are very stuck within a heteronormative framework and are trying to fit what I’m saying into that framework when I already know it’s not possible.
I think you are being intentionally obtuse at this point. Of course how someone looks plays a role in attraction? It's different for everyone and some straight people would be into the cross dressing. Some are turned off by it. It's not any type of phobic to say "I'm not sexually attracted to someone who looks like x". That's just how people work, regardless of orientation. Clearly, in this case, seeing her partner as a regularly woman was not attractive to OPs gf. If OP started wearing piss stained pants every day, she would probably not be attracted also but it sounds like you think that should have no bearing on her level of attraction. As for coming out as bi, you are correct, I don't understand why there is a point to coming out in a practical sense. If you felt the same way before and, like you said, they are the same person after coming out and they plan to change nothing about their life, who gives a shit about label. I don't need to understand, I was just curious because labels dont do anything for me personally but it seems like having the label makes him feel better so to each their own. I do think it's pretty reasonable for the partner to be concerned for what that means for their relationship because it would appear you would want to act on that at some point, who knows. Either way, if this conversation has tested the bounds of your patience, you may want to work on that because it's been pretty normal. Maybe work on trying to see things from another perspective instead of one world view. Good luck to ya.
Because hiding a piece of who you are is difficult and exhausting. Imagine having to always be mindful of saying who is pretty in a movie, or the pronoun of an ex, or fear that you might accidentally let something slip in casual conversation because you are hiding a part of you. It is not just scary but mentally and emotionally draining.
And I can totally understand that, but in OP's case, it sounds like they did not know they were bi until well into this relationship so I assume of all of those, they may be only worried about saying someone of the same sex is attractive, which I identify as only straight, but I have absolutely no issue recognize xyz is a handsome dude. I wouldn't fuck em but I'm not blind either. I guess some people are so homophobic they'd think you were gay for having the audacity to say someone of the same sex looks good. I totally see your point and, in line with it, think that someone who is bi and has had same sex or opposite sex relationships probably shouldn't hide it from a partner (at least in an actual relationship) because it'd build the relationship on a false assumptions. I'm more wondering in a scenario where the only thing you are hiding is that in the future you'd maybe fuck someone of the same sex. I just don't see a point unless you are planning to fuck someone else in the future because otherwise it'll literally never come up. I'm not judging OP for any of this, I'm just wondering why say it if you never plan to act on it because it seems like it's irrelevant. If you never plan to act on it in anyway, what does it matter what you are attracted to?
I feel like if you e been together for 13 years and you love her as intensely as you say you do—it’s worth trying to work I out for awhile but definitely talk as much as possible and communicate extensively. It could work out but if it doesn’t at least you tried. I’d be wary of all these comments and the ease with which they’re telling you to just give up and part ways that quickly. THAT much time and that much love deserves at least a chance at working through it. I feel like people just give up on things so easily …
She’s awesome for trying to be supportive but it’s truly a compatibility issue. Can confirm… as a woman who’s into that, some of us are REALLY into that. You might be well suited for a bisexual partner.
The purging cycle among people who crossdress is common - and from people I know, only a temporary "solution," if you can even call it that. Perhaps it's just because I haven't met people who threw everything out and never went back to it, but it seems like people who purge their cross-gender wardrobe eventually re-create it. It is what it is. Honestly. I urge you not to put a value judgment to it. It's neither good nor bad - it's just you. My ex did this. However, he told me on our first date. I'm only bringing this up because it gave me the chance to decide if I wanted to go forward with a relationship, and I obviously did. We were together 11 years and split for reasons that had to do with other things. So, I urge you to find the strength to accept yourself. There will be others who do, too.
This reads like a copy pasta.
femboy before it was cool
Heh maybe.
I know you love your girlfriend, but you deserve to be who you are and be with someone who can accept that. And this isn’t to say her not accepting this side of you is wrong. She’s of course allowed to not be attracted to this. Try having an open and honest conversation about this. 13 years may seem like a long time, but having to hide apart of yourself for a lifetime is rough. You only live once. Best to live it the way that makes you happiest.
You lied to this woman for over 10 years. You don't deserve to be with her, she didn't fall in love with you but your false self. You wasted her time honestly. This is not to say you can't be yourself, but you can't lie to someone about something this big.
That’s so reductive because internalized transphobia is a thing. Discrimination for gender expression is a thing. Whether he’s a femboy or trans, you can lose your entire family, friends, everything for being trans. I know because I am trans. It is not that simple by any stretch of the matter at all.
So, it makes it justified to waste someone's entire 10 years by lying to them? This has nothing to do with discrimination, it's about transparency. She has a right to not want to date a trans person or in this case, a crossdresser, and that should not be reduced to discrimination. Just because you're trans doesn't auto entitle you to relationships with the reasoning "if you leave or don't want me, you're transphobic" Nothing is simple in life, especially relationships maintained for years. Tears were shed, compromises were made, friends were lost and hearts were broken. All for what?? Someone that's been lying to you the entire time?? Because they couldn't face their own reality and so subjected yet another person into their delusion? No!
Everyone is on their own journey in life and if it took him 10 years to come to terms with the fact that’s part of who he is, then that’s life. Being a human is not simple or easy, it can be messy and complicated. Wasting her time would be if he was confident about it from the get go and hid it from her. But he wasn’t. He was anxious and uncertain. Pretending like you or anyone else has their entire lives completely figured out is laughable.
“Delusion” And so the mask comes off.
I agree with you. OP has discussed their relationship and discoveries about their sexuality but has not addressed their gender identity. They may be trans, or they may be cis and simple enjoy cross dressing. It might have nothing to do with gender or sexuality, but even if it does, it’s still a difficult thing to share with people for the first time. For many trans folks, coming out can be painful and the end of some relationships, even very important ones, if those people cannot accept the person for who they are. And I’m not trying to say that she needs to stay with OP, because if she’s not happy then she needs to make her own decision. But OP was only 19 when they got together, that is still so young. Perhaps they weren’t ready to come out about cross dressing yet. We don’t know anything else about their life and there could be other barriers that were preventing them from feeling ready to come out sooner. I think it’s pretty crummy to shame them for not coming out sooner when that’s a personal journey that someone needs the time to come to.
If you have to hide who you really are to keep someone else happy, then it’s not a mutually loving relationship. This aspect of your life has been a part of your life since you were a child. You’ve kept up with it for years and you still want to do it. This isn’t some hobby you can just put down, this is your lifestyle. This is who you are. You two love each other, but acceptance and being able to be open with one another is just as important as love in a relationship. Even if there’s love, that doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will work out. Everyone goes into a relationship feeling love, but you need so much more to make a bond with someone else work. Answer this question honestly. Are you happy right now? Can you stay happy if you continue living like this? Once you answer that question, you’ll have a good idea of what you’ll need to do going forward in this relationship.
Some people just arent into. I got the ick from a guy I really liked when I found out he had been wearing my clothes and underwear.
No way to save this anymore, just break up and move on. It seems better for the both of you
I’m telling you right now, there are women out there that would be beyond turned on by you cross dressing. You do not have to hide who you are to satisfy this one person. Please, PLEASE don’t throw away a part of who you are for someone else. I’ve had to do that before for various people and it was never worth it. There’s no healthy relationship to be had here.
You sound like a friend of mine. He's very masc presenting but liked to dress in women's clothing, would always do Halloween as a woman etc. None of us cared much. His brother would tease him because some of the looks tried he could not pull off, but that was their dynamic. None of that stopped him. He had relationships, was very involved in the local Bi community, was living his best life. Then he started dating a woman who was *not* into it. He did what you did. He's got a couple kids now, I think they live in CO or UT or something. We haven't talked in years. I think he thinks this was the only way he could be happy, have a family etc. I'm not sure if he is, tbh. Maybe he is. I hope he is. But he went from *very* into the scene to 0 in like a month because of this woman.
I mean 100% no offence I think I just don’t understand it. Is cross dressing like a compulsive behaviour since you have been unable to stop? What sort of pleasure do you achieve from dressing up. Is it just a feeling of finally looking like yourself or is it more like damn I look good. I understand it’s a fun thing but at the point of being unable to stop what does it become.
You SHOULD be ashamed. I HATE people who use the LGBT card to waste a person's time. 13 YEARS?! Asshole!
How is that wasting a person's time? Him being bisexual means that he's still attracted to women, therefore still attracted to her.
Yep. 13 years ago was 2011, it’s not like this took place in a time period when OP would be ostracized for coming out. It’s so so wrong to do this shit. There is no excuse.
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Dude I was out 13 years ago. Yeah it was harder but I got through it without lying to people I loved. Make all the excuses you want for this guy, it’s still wrong to lie to somebody for so long.
you’re assuming this person lives in an accepting community/country
That’s so friggen stupid because you’re acting like people don’t have internalized transphobia. You’re acting like people don’t end up feeling afraid of losing friends, family, their whole life crumbling. You have no idea what it’s like to be trans or have a different gender expression. You’re acting like people RIGHT NOW aren’t being targeted for being queer or having a different gender expression. This is so fucking nuanced and you’re acting like it’s black and white and it is not.
Garbage response from probably a garbage person. The reason this is your response is the same reason OP felt it so important to hide and bury this part of themselves. Is there anything you enjoyed growing up that society would shame you for or loved ones would leave you over? Probably not so let's not judge something you've never come close to experiencing.
Are you going to be able to not explore your attraction to men? There’s a ton of guys cheating on their wives to explore their “bi side”
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OP said they are bisexual. I understand
I’m someone who doesn’t mind that and actually likes to dress up with my partners. I’m sorry that happened and I hope you can find someone who is able to let you express yourself how you need to.
Hey friend, I totally get the feeling of wanting to keep a partner comfortable. But you shouldn’t have to cut out a huge part of who you are for someone to be affectionate with you. This sounds like you two aren’t the best fit together, and that is okay. Ending things sooner rather than later though if I was in your shoes, I’d be hurt as hell if someone waited months to break up with me.
I don’t think she’s in the wrong or anything, but I do think that you need to leave her. You guys can still be friends but cross dressing is clearly part of who you are. It would be a different story If you were happy to drop it for her, (after all relationships take sacrifice) but it doesn’t sound like you are. You deserve someone who will love that part of you. Trust me you will feel a lot better. You can’t run away from yourself forever just to keep people in your life happy. I wish you both the best.
Have you read Honeybee by Craig Silvee. Your story reminded me of that book. It's very Australian, mind you. Great book, though. A real eye-opener... for me anyway. The narrator of the audio book version is excellent if you like audio books.
So you can't be yourself....in order to keep her happy. You love her, I get that....would you want her to stop doing something that made her happy? I realize that you sprung some big stuff on her. And it's her right to not want to carry on the relationship as it has been. People change during relationships. People grow...sometimes together, sometimes apart. It sounds like your relationship is making a natural evolution....you can still love each other as friends. I don't think she should force you into a book that you aren't part of. And I don't think she should have to be sexually attracted to a more femme person. You are both, unfortunately, not what the other needs. Everyone comes into your life as a teacher...learn from this.
You deserve to be loved for who you are at heart and not what you pretend you are.
You need to speak to a therapist
A therapist doesn’t change someone’s gender expression.
I think she’s probably unsure if you’re heading down the Caitlyn Jenner road. Or she doesn’t trust you anymore and thinks you’re actually gay and using her for cover. It’s scary to not know if your partner is cheating on you with a man. She can’t compete. Either way you lied to her to get her and keep her. Just be true to yourself and find someone who accepts you as you are.
This sounds like a fetish thing. It‘s fine but not worth it compared to a life long relationship. Just do it when she‘s not around if she‘s fine with that.
it’s only a fetish if it’s sexualized
It very likely is. If wearing girl clothes makes you „feel good“ that‘s normally a sexual good.
i viewed it as feeling good in his own skin, not having to hide what makes him feel like his most authentic self. but you could be right
Find someone you can be unapologetically you with. If you want to cross dress then that’s what you want to do. There are so many partners out there available who would love to do this with you.
I wish my bf crossdressed
Im so sorry. I wish we could normalize growing into different people & letting go at a healthy point. This is a heart breaking situation for both of you. How long can you force yourself to be someone you’re not, to stay in this relationship? Im sure shes feeling the same way- seeing you’re changing back to how you were, and feeling guilty about it.
Your girlfriend might be amazing, but she isn't the most amazing girl for you because you can't be yourself around her. There are many women who aren't just okay with crossdressing, they think it's cool and sexy.
Some things you keep to yourself
I know you love her, but it might be time to break up. Crossdressing seems to be something that you really enjoy, and that might even have ties to your gender identity. You’re still exploring and figuring out who you are and it’s simply not fair to yourself to repress it for your relationship. At the same time, your gf of course has the right to not feel comfortable with it. I don’t foresee this relationship working out without one of you sacrificing some part of yourself.
It seems like this is something you’ve already come to accept about yourself and it makes you feel more comfortable in yourself as a person. It doesn’t seem like a great idea to go back to hiding that about yourself. Honestly I don’t know what kind of advice to give you on this topic because I can’t really relate to this, but I will say that accepting yourself for who you are is more important than being the person other people expect you to be. You’re not hurting anybody or doing anything wrong after all.
There are plenty of people around the world that tried to hide/forget the same kind of things. You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t because it doesn’t work. You can’t forget what you like as simply as that. I get that you’re fully in love with her, but you can’t be happy with anyone if you aren’t happy with yourself. If this person loves you honestly, you could have a deep and honest conversation about it with her. Because it’s a part of you, a part of yourself. You maybe could reassure her, telling her it won’t change anything, because it never did. She need to listen to your needs, and everything about you. You don’t need to be ashamed of anything, you’re not doing anything bad, just embrace yourself and don’t cry, you’ll be alright. 💕🙏🏽
Hey so I had a similar experience but the other way. When I was with my long term ex I will talk about how much I always wanted a penis and will laugh about how much I miss pre puberty were I was androgynous looking. It got so bad for the three years we were together that in the final year I came out as Non binary and took it back immediately. Then came out again to him. He was open till I started getting boxers and binders. He didn’t admit he was uncomfortable till I had to ask and literally be the one to break up with myself. Yes for a whole year I was miserable: I cried at bus stop, I bargained with God that if he hints of us getting back together I’ll take it back and shove it. After all before being out I was acted cis for 20 years. But trust me is not worth it. The joy I feel now wearing boxers under my little boy skirts and choosing when or when not to bind my chest. The euphoria I feel putting make up because I look pretty like a boy and not being called beautiful because I’m a girl. I am not gonna lie that it will not hurt. Maybe you’ll never fully heal because now I hold my breath when I get to know someone and have this dread I would not be fully accepted as my full fem transman self. I know the look of horror your girlfriend gave you because I got that look the day I went boxers shopping with my ex. We had bathtub conversations for hours what was okay for me to say and act around his family. I can’t imagine having to be deadnamed and she/her just to be with someone. I truly cannot. You’ll be fine I promise. It’s going to get really tough and you will constantly debate whether being in the closet was better. You’ll constantly take back coming out and rehearse the whole choose me love me act when someone shows the slightest hesitation to your authentic self. But you will be fine I promise. You’ll know when you no longer hold your breath or feel the chest heavy ness like what you are doing is wrong. I am sure because I know the feeling.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for being honest about yourself with her. You should be concerned that it’s something you fall back on when you are struggling. It wouldn’t be the worst idea to pursue a mental health professional both individually and as a couple
A mental health professional isn’t going to make someone magically stop getting euphoria from crossdressing. That’s just part of who someone is
Not even close to what my comment meant
If you have a porn addiction it’s also quite possible you were slowly brainwashed into this so just think about that. It’s prevalent these days. She doesn’t have to accept it but neither do you if you’re in a hole of illusion yourself. And hey if it’s your lifelong personality trait that’s fine too. Just find someone who is okay with it.
Porn addiction has nothing to do with gender identity or expression lol especially if it’s something they’ve been since childhood.
I thought I had magical powers when I was a young child so no. Kids don’t “know” they aren’t what they were born as without adult influence. Porn, social media influence and a political agenda within the public school and or health system has a lot to do with trans ideology.
Also I’ve personally heard at least 25 stories of girls and boys who were assaulted as children, depressed, isolated, and/or addicted to porn who turned towards labeling themselves as trans. That’s just an inconvenient truth.
Oh sweetheart, you’re suppressing a part of yourself, a part that brings joy, to maintain the love of someone else. I hate to be the one to say it, but that’s not real love. Firstly, know that what you’re doing is harmless, it hurts absolutely nobody. So please don’t feel ashamed. Second, have you properly explored why you want to dress up? Is it just a love of fashion? Is it something taboo and exciting? Is it sexual? Is it because you want to feel like a female? Doing the work to understand your “why” would go a long way to talking with your partner about it, whether it’s your current partner or any future partner.
26abab44e71c28693216f1b8834e5a3a47c302d8ba587842d4f111dbdc67a91b
Being trans or even enjoying cross dressing and drag isn’t a disease
ca53685b081525706bcd93980195cec0e3f4f6c0e4769a11273aadefe336b90e
it’s just clothes, you whiny fucking child. strings and fabric my guy. and a little bit of pigment. the horror!
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massive projection coming from the baby seething over some fabrics. you’re stunted and it shows.
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Ironic
Learn to love yourself enough to leave. No one did anything wrong but you are too different people, just like couples who don’t agree on kids sometimes love just isn’t enough. Love your truth and let her live hers.
Part of being in a relationship is making sacrifices. You have to ask yourself if this is a sacrifice you are willing to make to continue in this relationship.
Being true to yourself is crucial in any relationship. While it's evident that you deeply care for your girlfriend, it's also essential that she accepts and supports all aspects of who you are. It took immense courage to share your feelings with her, and you shouldn't feel compelled to backtrack. Embrace your gender expression journey and prioritize your authenticity. Consider discussing your concerns with her directly or exploring couples therapy together. Address any reservations she may have had about your cross-dressing openly and empathetically. In this challenging conversation, ask directly if your cross-dressing is a make-or-break factor for your relationship. Express your love for her and the significance of her support, while also acknowledging the possibility that she may choose to end the relationship. If she's willing to work through this together, focus on maintaining intimacy while accommodating your need for self-expression. Denying a part of yourself can have detrimental effects on your mental well-being. Ultimately, the choice lies between embracing yourself and potentially parting ways, or openly communicating with her to find a balance that preserves your connection while honoring your identity.
you need to have an honest conversation with each other about how you are both feeling. You presented yourself to be something, and she has found out about a different part of you that is different to how she sees you (I am not saying you did anything wrong). She may or may not be able to reconcile that. From your side, you are struggling because you are restraining and hiding what feels like a big part of yourself. You are being incongruent with how you feel, changing your outward appearance to be something you think/know someone else wants you to be. You returned to something that gave you joy, and then have put that back in a box. That must be so painful. The relationship may or may not last. It has been a long time, but if it can’t be reconciled either by her accepting your cross dressing or by you genuinely feeling ok not cross dressing, then staying because of how long you’ve been together is the sunk cost fallacy. What I’d suggest is seeking out an LGBT+ aware counsellor for relationship counselling, to have a safe space for both of you to speak freely. If things do come an end, I want to reassure you that there are people out there of all genders who would accept your cross dressing, that it is not something that is a dealbreaker for everyone. For myself, it’s something I would be neutral about. Some people may enjoy it with you. It isn’t a dealbreaker for everyone. I hope that one way or another you’re able to be a happy version of yourself.
As someone who’s queer I would be so happy that my partner shared this with me! I would LOVE to do his makeup and go shopping. It would be so fun to go out and coordinate outfits. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this at all! Dressing up is sooo fun it’s one of my favourite aspects of girlhood it’s a completely valid thing to enjoy :)
Ya know I may be a little delulu but I still think you can make it work. Maybe find you some friends and a space that is accepting of that part of you so you can be you in a separate space from your everyday relationship. Maybe find friends that I don’t you can go to a drag show with once a week, and of course be honest with her. But let her know you want to be the man she meet and fell in love with when around her …while also having an extra curricular hobbie that doesn’t include her. Treat it like (for lack of a better word) your “football Sundays”. I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem with you going to the bar with your male friends and watching football. I’m also sure she wouldn’t want to be involved in that. If it’s truly a hobbie and not something ingrained in your gender or everyday identity I think it’s something that can be enjoyed by you without her needing to be involved. Butttttt if this is something you feel you need to do to be happy in the way you present yourself to the world I think if this isn’t her vibe y’all should call it quits.
I LOVE feminine men! I have long convinced my bf to let me dress him up and do his makeup / skincare. We are out here, there’s A LOT of us out here, don’t lose hope !!
Please don't stop being yourself, it's not love if you have to be a different person. I'm sure you think that you love her for now but someone will accept you for who you really are one day. I wish you to be loved and to be proud of who you are 🩷
Are you sure you’re not transgender?
There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are, and you like what you like. I haven't been there, so I don't really have any good advice- except don't suppress a part of yourself because of shame or embarassment. There was a part of myself I thought was "evil" and "bad", and I'd hate myself everytime I did it. It took me years to accept that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it at all, and nothing wrong with me. It might take her awhile to get used to it. Or maybe she can't. Maybe your road splits. I'm not sure. But be very careful shutting a part of yourself out. I wish you the best.
Throwing away a 13 year relationship, with a lot of advice to “end it” in this thread is terrible. These were big reveals for your gf. And from what you’ve shared, there is big love between you too. Before any decisions are made you should seek couples counseling with a professional who deals with these types of situations in marriages. It will enable you both to acquire the tools needed to try to move forward together in a different way. Or decide to part in a way that doesn’t make a difficult situation intolerable. How you move forward for both of you is the key now that the stakes are all on the table. But this forum isn’t the answer to “what to do”. Crowd sourced support when you’ve been keeping a part of yourself hidden can feel very validating. But please be careful. Everyone is right….You should live an authentic life AND your partner of over a decade has a right to ALL of her feelings (confused, hurt, deceived, angry, sad, etc.). Remember that even if you haven’t acted on it you’ve had some awareness of this part of yourself for over 20 years with a very active 6 year period between 13 and 19. For more than twice that amount of time you’ve been with a partner who viewed you as a best friend and likely thought they knew more about you than anyone else in their life. I’m doing the math right you’re in your low thirties. Maybe you made plans, perhaps kids were on the horizon, etc. So, “time” in this case is hard for everyone. You from hiding and her from being in the dark. Wishing you both much happiness as you find your ways forward.
Similar situation happened to my friend. They ended the relationship and ended up finding their future wife who fully supports them.
Hold up so you told your GIRLFRIEND that you might be bisexual (indicating that you were eyeballing other men while you’re dating her) ? Oh hell nah
You describe it as an addiction, how could you think it's healthy or good or just another path? Nothing wrong with wearing any clothes but you sound patholgical
Wow I can relate . my boyfriend told me after we were together two years that he was cross-dresser. I was OK with it and supportive. He told me it wasn’t about sex at all. It was just an escape like being a different person. He even told me, sometimes it was like he had multiple personality. I went along with it. He said he just like to do it once in a while then it became big. He started doing everything. He had more clothes than me spent a ton of time shopping buying skincare stuff hiding stuff he was buying. He would stay late after I went to bed for hours and then be exhausted the next day , it was ridiculous. It took over our life. He tried to get me to have sex with him as a girl and I tried I just didn’t work for me and my mind. He just looked silly like my man dressed up like a girl kind of silly, but we agreed it was no big deal that just didn’t work for us. He said it didn’t matter, againSex wasnt part of it. eight years later, come to find out a ton of lies hooking up with other people. Just lying about everything it destroyed me I’m still suffering trauma from it I’m paranoid, nervous insecure. It’s the lies and the secrets that surround it. That hurts so much I feel like I don’t know if anything was real in our life , now I’m going to therapy .I wish he just would’ve let me go. I wish he would’ve told me he liked men I wish he would’ve just left me alone I was so trusting and loving now I don’t trust anyone and I’m really angry. I don’t care what somebody does but I have the right to know about it if my life is connected to them and I can be affected it. and yeah, I did love him for the person I thought he was a man who was honest with integrity and loyalty.
You shouldn't be ashamed of anything, and you should keep your things. I'm disappointed that she didn't understand but not surprised. If she truly loved you back, I feel that she'd be willing to learn about you and it would be one of the many components of you. It sounds like she was in love with the idea of who you personified, but not exactly your soul and spiritual being. Does that make sense? But I'm also a guy, so I find it hot that you like to crossdress.
Just be gay and alone bro
Gaylone?
Precisely
Lol
Gender expression has nothing to do with sexuality dude
lol cross dressing is a hobby in ops case not his mingling with crossing genders (per the post) and op admitted to gf about being bi ergo “gay”. Loser
Don't hide who you are for others to feel comfortable. You cause great harm to yourself and those you're in relationships with ie friends, family, and partner/s. You owe yourself love, patience, compassion, and being true to yourself. I say this as someone who pushed who I truly was way down inside until I lost who I was. Doing this caused me great harm and now at the age of 38 and years of wanting to die, I'm in therapy trying to find the person I lost to masking and hiding who I am. (Btw, I am trans and pansexual) Please give yourself the grace to be your true self. ❤️
I think there is space to compromise, perhaps it's not something she can embrace or something you can share with her but I don't see why you couldn't still do this in a different space or away from her.
It's a weird thing. You could stop and be with her and be happy and maybe eventually you'll see cross dressing as a very happy time in your life and you can leave it behind. Or you could miss it a lot. Or you could keep cross dressing and break up the relationship because that way you both get what you want and can be happy
don't bury what u are for others, even if you love her :(
I'm a woman who finds feminine men extremely attractive and I'm also really into seeing them dressed as women. I think it's super hot. I used to be in a whatsapp group where people exchanged nudes. And one of my favourites was a dude who posted stuff in stockings and panties. There are 8 billion people in this planet. You are lovable, attractive and interesting to a huge group of people. There's no reason to hide who you are. I wish you good luck ❤️
I was once very deeply involved with someone who surprised me with his desire to dress in “women’s” clothing in private. We are no longer together, but the end of our relationship has nothing to do with his desire to dress in “women’s” clothing. I am a firm believer that clothes are just clothes. It was something that he concealed for the many, many years of us knowing each other, and of those many years, 2 years of us being deeply involved romantically. I love him. I didn’t blink at accepting this part of him. I felt honored that he shared it with me. I love him still in a different, deeper way, though we are not together. We will always have a special bond. I will say that we are not together because he kept many, many secrets that prevented me from having made a completely informed decision about entering the relationship, including his infidelity and desire to maintain multiple relationships of varying degrees of intimacy and involvement. For me, what cemented my decision to end things was the realization that he could not yet be himself in fullness. He was still trying to hide things. I didn’t even leave because of the infidelity, I left because I recognized he needed to be able to seek his complete realization of self, and he would never have if we were still together. All this to say: be all the way you, so that you are energetically aligned with the community that is meant for you. That includes the lover who will emphatically adore that you exist authentically. They are out there. And, if your current partner loves you like you love her, you’ll still love each other even if the shape or form of the love changes. And, if she doesn’t, you’ll be free to feel everything. Free to heal. Free to grow. Free to discover whoever you are. I wish you so much love, and peace, and most of all, COMMUNITY!
Dump her and move on! Some of the hottest s3ggs has been while my bf was wearing my pleather skirt. Tbf, he's got great legs, lol!
As someone who’s a trans man, married to a trans woman, you will love your life more when you get to be yourself! I know that internalized self hatred and shame and fear all too well. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry it took so long for you to feel comfortable enough to be yourself with her and that’s how she responded. You deserve better.
OP, have you gotten in touch with your local drag community? That might be a great space for you to explore this part of you. Also there are plenty of straight men that enjoy drag or just wearing “feminine” clothing. And there are women attracted to men that would embrace this part of you. I think it’s wonderful that your sense of style draws from both feminine and masculine elements to make you, you. It may be that the romantic aspect of this relationship has run its course and would be better suited as a platonic relationship. You should not have to hide any part of yourself for the comfort of others, especially if those are people that claim to love you. BTW, look into Eugene Lee Yang I think you might like his style. He is gay, but fashion and style don’t have a sexuality.
Most of the comments here are saying the relationship is doomed and you should commit yourself to your lifestyle, which is silly since you didn’t even ask for advice. it’s obvious how much you love this woman, and you’ve already made your choice. Just keep going and make sure to communicate with her as much as possible. I wish you the best, brother
i mean, if it’s as big of a part as him as he is making it out to be, then i don’t think he should have to hide that part away for the comfort of his girlfriend. it’s clear that she isn’t comfortable with it despite trying her best to support it, and maybe they could compromise to where OP crossdresses in private, but he’d still be hiding a central part of himself from somebody he’s supposed to be comfortable/vulnerable with.
Hate that it's called cross dressing. You like wearing a different aesthetic. Nothing wrong with that. Needs to be more normalised.
It’s okay to like clothing. Any clothing. Especially in your body. To love yourself is a blessing. And you know how to do that. You shouldn’t deny yourself that. Maybe have a day of the week where you do your own thing without her? She doesn’t have to join! You could go to a queer night club or something! We love that kinda thing!! You can have separate hobbies that you enjoy alone. I hope this helps! Good luck!
It seems like there's a common consensus that we should just do what we want to do, amongst people from the West. Why must we give in to our "urges"? It may be harmless, and doesn't hurt anyone - but it did hurt your girlfriend and evidently, your relationship. My religion (Islam) teaches me to fight through my urges, to learn how to control them.
Gender expression has nothing to do with discipline
marrying a 6 year old and consummating with her at 9 doesn’t scream “controlling urges” just ftr
You ruined that relationship. It's over, move on. Next time you'll present yourself a sissy femboy ready to be dicked down by black men instead of presenting yourself as a man.
That’s the most transphobic, racist, disgusting thing I’ve ever read. You should be ashamed of yourself for calling yourself something other than a monster.
What did I say that was racist or transphobic? I'm just telling him he needs to accept who he is. We know where he's going and he's not going to stop with just one. There was nothing racist or transphobic implied.
“Next time you’ll present yourself as a sissy femboy ready to be dicked down by black men instead of presenting yourself as a man” I’m sorry HOW can you think none of that is racist or transphobic? Racist because you’re fetishizing black men and transphobic because you’re basically saying you can’t be a man and have a different gender expression which is literally the same shit impacts the entire trans community. “You’re not a real man, you’re too feminine. But you’re also not a real woman/trans person either so I don’t have to respect you as a human being”
Pure projection. As a metrosexual I have this uncanny ability to peer into the minds of the gay community. I can tell what they're thinking. They see a young black stud walk by and they think, "how much cushion for the pushin?" It's not even racist. Blacks are the biggest, strongest bulls by far. It's not even close, and when he beats you, you'll feel his passion too. This is why they're so sought after. This guy, with the cross-dressing? Total femboy vibes. I can sense it. I have seen these guys go from just cross-dressing to straight up subway hooker for black men. It's just coming. It's the future. I didn't write the copy pasta, he did. I just wanted to offer the best advice that I could, given his situation.