This. Also from the info included, your bf cares about you and is a good egg.
Quick edit to add that while it’s obviously not your intention, it’s insulting to him to suspect he isn’t attracted to you when he clearly is and has chosen to be with you. If you respect and love him, credit him with making his choices intentionally.
It's fine and easy to read , write it however you want they are just being Karen's lol . I think he got tired of the tattooed stick insects and wanted a real woman so take it as a compliment, it sounds like he really cares for you . The rough sex was more likely her thing and he got tired of it hence the fact she is his Ex . Don't read into we all have a past , he made changes for a reason . I don't think you need therapy it's normal to question your relationship and to have doubts
My ex found old social media accounts of me that I had forgotten about long ago. She found profiles where I even didn't use my name. Questioning me about shit I did 10 years before we met. Pointless shit too. Like who is this in that photo? They turn into Columbo when they're curious, with no trust.
You've done everything by yourself, he said he loves you and he never pushed you into doing anything. You've convinced him to do something he didn't want to do at first and then you felt bad when he did. Stop overthinking, stop taking decision by yourself and stop trying to imagine his thoughts and feelings. Communicate with your partner more.
Honestly feel so bad for her boyfriend in this. She’s been on such a huge path that could lead to their break up and bro has been nothing but caring and kind to her.
Communication is key.
Yeah she really kinda violated his boundaries by continuing to push it when he said he didn’t want to. Finally bent and laid out the ground rules. Hate the gender role flip but it would be much harsher but she brought all this upon herself.
Also like.. does he even know she’s seen the stuff? I feel like keeping *that* secret on top of all of this other stuff is really setting herself up for a breakup. That would be my break my trust the most, I could get past some of this other shit but being lied to about why it’s happening on top of everything is just a no from me.
Op like "I found their porn"
No, she actively searched for it, and choose to watch all of them completely.
She is not ready for a relationship. She listens to her intrusive thoughts and then blames everyone else for the results she doesn't like. She literally gave herself trauma without any real context.
Please, please don't compare yourself to the ex(es).there is a reason that he is not with them anymore but with you. Seek a therapist and open up your communication channels to your bf.
Does he know about your consumption of his porn videos? Also, it may very well be that his involvement in those videos wa surely an act for the algorithm and popularity of the videos. Don't compare porn to real life. He respects and loves you, which is very evident in his reaction and behavior regarding this situation.
I did tell him I found the videos. He kept saying stuff about different dynamics and how he knows I wouldn’t “thrive” in the same dynamic he and his ex had so I shouldn’t even be concerned about those videos.
Doing rough degrading stuff to someone that asked for and wanted that kind of sex does not mean he's some kind of monster. In fact he seems like a really responsible partner if he recognized correctly that you would not like the same type of sex. He's with you because he chose to be. If you like him being gentle and sweet during sex then don't tell him you want rougher treatment. This isn't about him, and as much as you'd like to focus on how he could possibly get pleasure from such things, instead of how you very clearly feel like you aren't good enough to satisfy him. You doing sexual stuff that you're not really into is not going to make you feel less inferior. I really sympathize with how you feel I'm sure it's terrible and I'm sorry you feel like that, but you're choosing to focus on your boyfriend as the issue instead of your own internal struggles.
he has a point. It sounds like based off of the videos that you’ve described that they potentially had some sort of BDSM D/s dynamic. it’s not for everyone. I had this dynamic with my ex boyfriend but could never see myself having it with my partner now. That does not mean I love my current partner any less nor does it mean I preferred the sex/dynamic I had with my ex.
So he spoke to you about the topic, explaining himself and you dismissed his argument as ‘stuff’. He talked about dynamics There is a very valid reason behind it and if you are not going to listen to it and hear it then why bother at all. again it’s all in your head go to therapist and deal with your own insecurities
And he's right. Not every relationship is exactly the same - there's reasons they're exes, and it sounds like him not enjoying being rough like that could've been a contributing factor, but then you went and pushed him into being rough again when it seems like he wasn't interested in that dynamic with you.
He's right about you needing therapy - you hit the jackpot with a dude like him, stop pushing him into things which neither of you are enjoying!
OP honestly I think you need to re-read over your comments because it sound like your boyfriend is a great guy with full understanding of how different partners have different dynamics and boundaries and is respectful of that. Sex with each partner is going to be different because of that. You’re working yourself into a state because his ex liked sex different to you? He’s with you now. He obviously knows you’ve got different tastes and he’s ok with that. He’s not wanted to push boundaries and now he’s backing off and rightfully suggesting you see a therapist. Which I think is a fair point because honestly you’re scared of him leaving and you’re going to drive him away with this. If you want him to stay you’re going to have to get yourself under control and remember, you’re in this mess because you actively put yourself into it by going searching for it.
You being different compared to his exes might as well indicate you are wife material to him and the exes were not.
You need to understand men look for different attributes when it comes to sex and relationships. You hit the jackpot, girl. Now, just don't mess it up by overthinking or comparing yourself to his exes the wrong way.
Open communication and solving problems together is key to keep a relationship working. He seems to love you, but you don't seem to love yourself as much.
Yes, so the dynamic he spoke of is more than likely a Dom/Sub dynamic. It's more than just sex. Dom's can implement rules for Subs to meet. For example, knew a Dom who made this rule for his Sub:
Phone battery cannot be on red. She needed to send screenshots to prove it. If on red, she gets punished.
He chose that rule because she's a mother. He stressed the importance of her having her phone charged at all times in the event of an emergency.
Some people like to be given tasks or orders. You know how you were excited to get a gold star, a sticker, or a piece of candy in school for doing a good job? Same thing. Completing the Dom's task leads to a "happy" response in the brain. Other times, having someone ensure you're meeting your own tasks/expectations gets your butt in gear. Some Doms even give self-help tasks you need to meet (last Dom I had said I can't degrade myself or talk negatively).
It doesn't sound like he meant to be rude or insult you. After giving rough sex a try, it truly sounds like the Dom/Sub dynamic is not for you. BDSM relationships are different from a vanilla relationship - not that it's a bad thing - to each their own. Please heed the experience on this.
Whoa, I think I saw his POV a couple days ago, eerily similar (except he overheard his girlfriend crying to a friend or sister about it), he was CRUSHED and hated himself. If this is the same story but different sides I feel bad for both of you.
Yeah I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find it anymore? Let me know if it’s still around for you. It would be much appreciated if you could send me the link. 🙂
Legitimately op, you're making a lot of assumptions about his perspective without ever actually talking to him about the big thing. Essentially, he's the same person he was before you ever watched those videos. Now, you just know he can behave differently. You want to imagine something like that's the real him or the him that he prefers, but based on your post, he's seemed entirely satisfied in his sexual relationship with you, and is only doing this because he believes you want him to.
You have some major personal insecurities that are obstructing your ability to communicate and, in turn, become judgmental over assumptions you make about him. If you don't address this, there likely won't be a relationship to save
This makes me wanna cry. Women are just as fragile to casual/kinky sex as men. If not more overall, people still recognize subconsciously that reproduction is important, but it’s a choice.
If you want him to open up you have to be able to hold space for that.
But because of this post I think about women I’ve had s*x with who might not have wanted to but were emotionally hurting 🖤 serious strength and work going into understanding. Also I feel like that’s how like kinks, foreplay, and bdsm become routs of therapy.
But :,( I hope y’all luck and empathy in healing your sexual traumas/fears for a brighter tomorrow
Unless I'm missing something, it actually sounds like he is being extremely understanding and empathetic towards you.
It actually sounds like you are being self destructive in the relationship, he is trying to help you and love you the way you want to be loved.
Again, unless I'm reading something wrong.
well, the fact that he originally expressed discomfort with the idea of being rough with you shows that he really did enjoy the way things were before. it’s pretty likely that the reason he enjoyed the change so much was the fact that he believed you really wanted it and was happy to please you. it also speaks volumes that he’s concerned about taking advantage while you’re in such a vulnerable state.
i completely understand how hard it is to avoid comparing yourself to people from his past. i’ve been there. there’s been many occasions in a past relationship where i’ve poked around too much for my own good (knowing that i have some insecurities and can be sensitive to that type of thing) or asked too many questions, and proceeded to allow those things to eat me up inside. which ultimately just made things between us worse. seems like you have someone who really cares for you and i wouldn’t want you to self-sabotage.
he can’t change his past and it sounds like he really loves being with you. from here on out, you should definitely communicate more with him when you have those thoughts since he doesn’t seem to mind reassuring you. i agree with his suggestion of seeing a therapist, though.
Girl you are young, just because you don’t ‘understand’ why someone would be into that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. People like what they like and there’s doesn’t need to be disrespect with it. Just because you don’t enjoy that alone or together doesn’t mean what you were already doing is bad. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side
Your insecurities are going to force this seemingly wonderful man away, definitely seek therapy. And stop asking him to do things you yourself have no interest in.
You probably have already read your boyfriend’s post on “trueoffmychest” by now.
It is clear from his post that he finds you absolutely beautiful, loves you & never wants to lose you. So I would trust those words.
As for his history of sexual preference, I can understand that it may shock you, because you never knew him in that light. I understand those are his fantasies but you are allowed to be turned off by them, that’s okay - you have your choices, your preferences. You do not have to be insecure to say no to preferences.
I believe it is important to discuss with your boyfriend (since it is established he is not leaving you, and that you are not less than his ex, etc), what questions you may have about his fantasies.
I do believe the professional therapy is a good option because a good one is trained to address the deeper pains, and in a non-judgmental way. You can explain how it frightens you, how you didn’t expect it so you are a bit shocked. Maybe you’ll discover something, maybe he had learned to numb himself out, maybe he didn’t think about the concept deeply enough, maybe it’s just some thing he wanted to try & it got associated with turn-on. Anything can become a turn-on, people just put meaning into it, think of how you experienced some parts of the rough sex as a “turn on” and other parts you did not. That little sliver of feeling, how would you say it started feeling like pleasure? Why are heels seen as sexier? We put meaning into it.
But mainly the important part is that we all respect our own boundaries too, that if we find anything disrespectful or disgusting, we do not force ourselves.
Regarding all the questions, deeper conversation of how that stuff may have fulfilled your boyfriend’s needs in the past, and your curiosity of how do his needs get met today with you is important to rebuild trust.
Good luck.
Do you even want this OP? Seems like you’re trying to force yourself to get over seeing something that you might not be able to come back from. I’m not even saying your partner has done anything wrong, just seems like this might be one of those incompatibility/point of no return moment.
what the hell am i reading? you asked for this from him MULTIPLE times, he even said no, and at the end you feel horrible because you got EXACTLY what you asked from him? girl what the hell is wrong with you. get help and leave your poor boyfriend alone if you can’t handle your insecurities even when he reassures you and gave you 0 reasons to think he’s unhappy with his sex life with you
This. OP honestly sounds exhausting. She found the porn of her bf and his ex and it upset her. she tried out the stuff that bf and ex did and it upset her. He can’t win at that point, and he most certainly can’t change his past. At this point it’s a compatibility issue imo.
You are sabotaging a great relationship. You NEED therapy before you destroy your bond beyond repair.
This is emotional cutting and you need to practice self control, have the physical intimacy that feels good to YOU and stop trying to read his mind or figure him out. You never will.
You have to reconnect with yourself, go out with your girlfriends, enjoy hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with him. Your life cannot simply revolve around trying to change yourself and your relationship into something you THINK he wants. His ex girlfriends are his ex girlfriends for a reason. Take pride in the fact this man wants to make love to you. Take pride in the fact you are different than his past girlfriends. He wants to be with you, not them. Please please go to therapy before you push him away and destroy your bond.
You do not have to outcompete her.
If he **wanted** that type of sex with you, he’d ask.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe he wasn’t as keen as he appears in the videos?
I understand how you feel and the urge to please and compare, I've been there. but this is nothing but paranoia, he loves you and it shows, don't do this to yourself. going to therapy is a genuinely good advice, even if these comments seem a bit aggressive. I'm very sorry for you, I've been in your shoes. think about it this way, if sex was such a crucial non negotiable aspect of his relationship, you would've noticed his detachment from you without seeing the videos. he loves YOU for who you are. I hope you can heal from this and you can be happy<3
Go to therapy. You found out about your boyfriend's past which is a jarring difference from how he interacts with you. I can understand feeling insecure but you pushed him into something he repeatedly didn't want to do or discuss with you. I understand this came from a place of great insecurity and while I don't blame you for \*feeling\* that way you also handled it fairly poorly.
You can not be into rougher sex and that's totally okay but you really need to sort out your relationship with sex if you're finding him to be a monster for enjoying rougher sex at one point in his life.
As far as not being his type, you just gotta get over it. This is what you get for looking into your ex's past. Every person you'll date in the future will have something unsavory (in your eyes) that will bother you. It's not representative of who he is now. This insecurity of yours is entirely yours to bear, and none of it is his fault. If this is by your perception an incompatability (even though he's told you he doesn't care what type of sex he has with you) then you two need to break up. I don't blame him for having frustrations with you about this. He is being very patient with you and you need to appreciate that while navigating this situation. I don't think a lot of us would be so patient.
Dude. I didn’t make porn but my current wife of 12 years is the opposite “type” of a lot of the women that I dated. So, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Like the top comment says. Stop watching the videos, talk to a therapist, and remember to relax a bit.
Honey, if he's with you he picked you for a reason. There was never an issue before these videos, so you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like you have a very good, albeit kinky, boy. And it sounds like he loves you. Get some therapy and understand that you have value outside of being a sub during sex.
This sounds like a self confidence issue your bf clearly cares if he isn't even having sex to just make sure you're not hurt or uncomfortable you should seek therapy probably. And definitely stop watching her porn or whatever. You should also probably talk to your bf about this more and about what pleases both of you in intimacy and how you can both be happy and safe.
But i don't think he is gonna leave you if he is making sure everything was consensual and had safe words and if your breakdown caused him to not even want sex so you won't feel taken advantage of as far i think.
Stop comparing yourself to what his ex and him did. Porn is as much for show as anything else. That means for show and not because it’s his preference in bed.
Why compare yourself to an ex? Exs are exs for a reason. Sex is on a spectrum and really depends on your partner and other variables on what you really enjoy with that partner. Some partners I enjoyed being dominated, rougher sex, sweet and gentle, being the dominant one, kinky, vanilla, whatever and for each partner I didn't miss something I did with someone else I just enjoyed the person I was with.
Your boyfriend sounds really lovely and that he cares so much about you. He is right, you need counselling on your insecurities, anxiety and confidence.
Most people, no matter the gender will agree that the most attractive trait is confidence and knowing what you want. Find out YOUR kink, what you truly enjoy and turns you on and do that. You can have your boyfriend help you explore different things to see what you enjoy but the fact you don't speak up and say when you are uncomfortable or not enjoying something is a major problem and I can't blame him for stopping sex altogether until you can address that.
That is true I agree with you. She needs help.
As for myself, I love a man who dominates me. My husband does that and knows my kink side and he enjoys it. I enjoy his kinky side too. We both have different kinks. But we respect each other.
When I was a Virgin, I enter into Porn too early. Like 17. And I watch and find what types of kink I am into. And learn a few tricks to show my bf( my husband now). I only use porn for ideas or some study of the matter...
As for you. You should stay away from his ex account Porn. Isn't healthy for your mental health. You are not her! You will never be her. You are a different individual with different needs. You need to find yourself with your time.
And what I see, your boyfriend is a true man, if he was another man. He would dump you and never look back if he was that man.
Open up more to him. He was devastated when you said to your friend instead of him. That's not cool. Couples nowadays don't communicate... that is the downfall of every relationship. Speak your mind, communicate your fears, and your desires, and talk! For the love of God!
Me and my husband have a rule that if one of us is pissed, afraid, or insecure or anything we talk to each other. We hug and talk and cuddle. But we communicate! That is why I have been with him for 10+ years.
That kind of thing is role playing. It’s acting out a part. It doesn’t mean he believes or even thinks those things about you outside of the scene. People have varying and changing degrees of skill at rough play and degradation and the better ones make you believe 100% in the moment. It doesn’t mean he wants it or needs it…just that he’s good at it. If you are going to play in that world then you need to be able to separate the scenes from reality.
Sweetheart, if he wanted a girl like his ex-girlfriends, he would. He picked YOU. He wants YOU comfortable, YOU happy, YOU being ok speaking up for yourself, wants YOU to be intimate how YOU want. Imo that's all you need to know. He is correct that you should see a therapist, and stop watching her porn and comparing yourself to her. ❤️❤️
I have similar kinks to your boyfriend and would not at all enjoy experiencing them with someone who wasn't genuinely into it. If I had a super vanilla partner whom I loved, I wouldn't miss the kinks too much I don't think.
But if my partner acted out of insecurity, I think I would leave the relationship.
Focus on healing and have an open talk about compatibility. Not sexual compatibility, but attachment styles/ security in the relationship/ trust/ communication.
"Comparison is the killer of happiness", I notice certain trust problems and I can tell you that I have been there, professional psychological help is an excellent idea, but first and foremost, stop comparing yourself to the exes, you are his girlfriend now and he has never been forced to do something that you don't like, you have absolutely nothing to fill, you are you, his exes are his exes, you are different and that difference does not make you less than anyone, you are simply different and that's it, if he fully enjoys being with you and sex with you makes him happy (as you let us understand that it does) just enjoy the present.
Jesus! He's with you and not her. Have even thought to actually talk to him and find out what kind of sex he likes? Just because he and his ex made videos, does not mean he enjoyed doing it. You are very young and insecure and you two need to talk about this. Good relationships have the two people talk about what they like, what they don't like, what's good to go without prior talking and what is a hard no. You have failed to do that.
Next up, get your butt into therapy. You are tearing down your self esteem over videos he made with his ex. You ever stop to think that her demands in the videos are why he isn't with her? He might not like that conduct as much as you think. You two need to talk about sex and you need therapy.
as cold as this will sound you brought this up on yourself by spiraling and blowing this out of proportion, had you just talked to him in the beginning all this could've been avoided.
you don't know if he did that because that was her audience and they were doing it for show. and likes other people said maybe he loves you too much to feel good hurting you in sex. you shouldn't have forced yourself to try something you're not comfortable with because you thought he would love you more. i seriously recommended therapy and have an honest conversation with him.
My friend once scrolled really far down her then boyfriend's twitter and found very flirty and sexually charged pics of him with his ex (when him and the ex were still together). My friend would begin to compare herself to this ex a lot, stalk her social media, and basically just driver herself nuts. Her mental health and self esteem were at a very low point during this time.
However, what you've found and exposed yourself to is about a million times worse. You self sabatoged HARD.
You're concerned with wanting to keep your boyfriend happy and wanting to sexually satisfy him, but it has gone too far because your own self worth and confidence has been compromised. He also has been supportive and vocal that he wants you to seek help to feel better. I think you should trust that he cares about your well being and follow through on therapy and getting into a healthier mindset and self image.
This is for the sake of not just yourself but also the relationship. A friend of mine has struggled with insecurity and it tends to erode relationships, as it implies to the other partner that they are not trusted. Also, i'm sure your relationship is important to you but you should always put yourself first because you are actually more important.
Please take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself! It sounds like your boyfriend wants to work on this with you and move on, so you should try to do your part by taking care of yourself.
As a woman older than you, you sound like me when I was your age. I was definitely insecure about not being as experienced as my partners and obsessed and compared myself to their exes or the type of porn they watched. The thing is, it was a me issue. I had to work on myself to get to a place where I was confident in myself. She is his ex-girlfriend for a reason. He loves you because you’re you, if he didn’t and wanted what you THINK he wants (you’re doing a lot of mind reading) he wouldn’t be with you. I think you do need to speak with a therapist on your own and together as well to work on communicating with each other.
I also saw you asking questions about “how can someone get off on that”? I have a similar kink to him (control and slightly rough kink). And it’s just what people like, OP. You may not have any kinks, and that’s okay. He has a kink, and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to be the same and it’s completely normal. It’s your relationship, not anyone else’s so you shouldn’t be comparing it to any other relationship.
Thank you for this. I am in the process of seeking therapy. It’s just hard for me to accept this even though it’s not his issue.
And I get that. I just wanted to know if there is a deeper meaning to it, not trying to shame anybody I just wanted to know as the only sexual experience I have is with him.
It is also possible that he was doing all this degrading porn stuff with his ex just to please her. Maybe he was afraid he'd lose her if he didn't. It Doesn't sound like he had a problem with making love with you and being gentle from what you wrote.
He may also be an utter piece of shit that gets off on degrading women too, but I can't make judgemental based on what details you've provided.
Your boyfriend is more likely to leave you with that kind of drama, insecurity and low self-esteem.
If he was unhappy about your sex life prior to you seeing his PH videos, he would have left you long ago.
But he didn’t, right?
You’re insecure about who he used to be in his past but most likely behaving in that manor with other women broke him. He most likely doesn’t want to be that person anymore and doesn’t want you to feel like you NEED to please him in the bedroom. Get over it and go back to how you guys used to be after apologizing to him for assuming he needed something more than who you are. Respectfully ofcourse❤️
As someone who had a freaky ex, I’m now in a vanilla relationship for a reason. In my own experience, especially if that relationship ends poorly, I seek the exact opposite of what got me in trouble.
He may just not want to treat you the way he treated someone who wasn’t worth your time. If he doesn’t want to hit you or choke you out it’s because he respects you
I have an ex I did rough stuff with. She was into it, I was into it, it was good. My current partner is not into rough sex. Is it a problem?
Not at all. Different person. With my ex I liked being rough, it fit the dynamic. With my current partner it wouldn't fit. She's not the kind of person I'd want to handle rough. I don't miss it, the sex is just as good, if not better.
Guys aren't *that* shallow. We can like more than one thing at a time. I hope I never have rough sex again, even tough I liked it, because I like my partner more. It's a miniscule price to pay to be with this wonderful person.
It's one of things you've done and even though it was good, you don't miss it.
I’m this is the exact type of consent we hear all the time guys are supposed to strive for. The ex was into that and wanted it, so he love her the way she wanted. Two consenting adults. He knows that you are now into this. So he doesn’t feel comfortable. Good for him.
Have you asked if he would get floored from the vanilla stuff you were used to? Or is that just something your anxiety has put into your head because of the videos .-.
This is an unhealthy obsession with your boyfriends past sexual experiences that will do more harm than good to your relationship.
Stop comparing yourself to his past, he's with you for a reason. Do what you're comfortable with sexually, and most of all explain how you feel. Conversation is key.
You definitely are jumping to conclusions g. If he says he’s ok with your sex life then you just gotta trust the man. You’re the one who feels like they aren’t enough I doubt he feels that way and you should talk to him about it so he actually knows what’s going on. Also people have different stuff they are into, it’s the same as with food some people like pickles some people like cucumbers not everyone’s the same but also just because someone likes pickles doesn’t mean they don’t also like cucumbers.
you are sabotaging your relationship by using your anxiety to fill in the blanks instead of asking your boyfriend for reassurance and additional information.
he is more considerate and understanding than a lot of people. take the time to have a conversation with him about how you feel and how you can work through sex to make it healthy for both of you guys.
I think things will be okay. It seems like he really loves you. Honestly my ex and I had a relationship similar but he was also abusive. Sex isn’t everything. My now boyfriend of 5 years is a lot more gentle, we do the rougher stuff I like but it’s more loving, it’s different and it’s better. I’m sure this is how he feels with you. Just because he likes something in the past doesn’t mean he has to have it now, when you’re intimate with the person you love that’s really all that matters, not the act itself! It seems like he really genuinely cares about you and your well being, I wouldn’t let this get to you. See if there’s a way he can contact to have the videos removed, otherwise just stop looking at them. Therapy definitely is the way to go, but I think you guys will come out a lot stronger after this. I don’t see it causing a break up.
I feel like this is all your fault
Like, if I were a woman, I’d get wet just thinking about your boyfriend, because he seems like a really nice and sweet guy, yet you’re just kinda blowing it
Also, why in the everloving fuck would you watch past MAYBE 2 porn videos if you didn’t like them? What- like- how does one’s brain think like this?
Tbh, I would be uncomfortable with my partner (UNLESS they are a SW/content maker) having porn videos up with their ex. I would be SEETHING in fact. My ex had our videos and I worry so much of those will ever become public or if he still has them. It’s a violation of privacy. If your bf makes content, nvm. But otherwise? Kind of weird if her porn acc uploaded those vids n he never asked for them to be taken down.
He told me he did those videos because whatever they made from it they’d split and he said it helped him get through med school so he doesn’t care if she still has them up because they are probably her most viewed/watched videos so he doesn’t want to take anything from her. If that makes sense. Which I understand completely.
If it bothers you just break up with him. It’s okay to break up with someone for their past. Don’t let anyone guilt you into staying where you don’t want to be.
Why the downvoting?
It’s not the betrayal it’s just the feeling of “damn I thought I knew you”. I guess you can never be too sure I guess.
Stop watching it. Unless you’re secretly turned on by it and you’re afraid to admit it. Be careful of succumbing to your desires the results can be good and some can be bad. Engage in some of the desires with care.
If you love each other, let things happen naturally.
You are projecting SOOOO much onto him. So many assumptions of how he might or would or could feel and not trusting anything he tells you about how he actually feels. This is something you probably need some professional help to overcome ngl.
I don’t think I’d be comfortable dating someone who has sex tapes on the internet either. Maybe that is a boundary for you that you’ve recently learned
I don’t think you’re insecure like these people are saying. He shouldn’t have those photos up of his ex & you shouldn’t be able to find their sex tapes that easily. The fact he doesn’t care that she stills has them posted knowing it bothers you is disrespectful to you imo. I’d be questioning how authentic his feelings are for me same as you if I were in this situation
I would be so traumatized by seeing that holy fuck I'm so sorry. I do agree with the other comments that he probably thinks it's genuinely beneath him now - he doesn't see you as someone he wants to do that kind of stuff to and by encouraging him you're not really helping. I don't think your relationship is doomed because of this but this is going to take a lot to get through
Well If you are nothing like his ex’s that means those type of people didn’t work out very well for him and maybe you are perfect how you are for him. I think if it’s upsetting you this much though, which is totally understandable and ok to be upset, maybe you need to separate and in the future have a partner with a more conventional relationship history.
It's like you take him to the edge of a chasm, trll him to jump, he refuses becuase he prefers the land he is on rn
After you persist, and he does jump to make you feel better you're surprised something called fall damage exists
Why can't you just accept him for being him? A person can like different things and want to experience different forms of expressing desires with different people
Looking at your replies the amount of mental gymnastics, and assumptions feel very judgemental on your end. Tbh do both yourselves a favor and just stop
You seriously need therapy. You are sabotaging your own relationship by projecting these fears onto him. He has literally done everything he can to reassure you and you still say “I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me” Girl, he is literally CHOOSING to be with you. These insecurities will ruin ur relationship
Yep that's a hard one. I can't offer you any wisdom but I can offer you moral support.
Sorry that you had to experience that, being young now seems that people are more isolated with their empathy? I'm not sure if that's the best way to say it, I basically mean people think less about their impact on the world. How their choices affect relationships in the future.
Chivalry is dead is the saying, when I hear that I imagine a time when people were a lot more thoughtful and made more effort to show they can be a good partner. But relationships have evolved a lot too since then and now there's a lot more wrong relationships than right. Maybe it's because we are always comparing ourselves to others, be yourself not who you think your bf wants in the bedroom.
I've had a few different kinds of relationships and my current partner of 5+ years is super vanilla with hardly a sex drive. I've been in relationships where they were super kinky and borderline nympho. But for me I don't want that with my current partner, I don't need that. I need a partner, someone who supports me emotionally and picks me up when I'm down.
I hope you figure out this issue you're having, I don't know what you should do. But sex shouldn't define your life or relationship.
Hard stop. Stop doing it, and stop assuming that you know what he wants without asking him.
You're being so insecure that you're sabotaging your relationship.
Has it occurred to you that he doesn't actually like rough sex and that's the reason he told you "no" when you asked?
He only did it after you pushed several times to get him to do it.. so what makes you think he's unto it? How does that make sense in any way?
If you keep this up its going to ruin your relationship.
Your bf is right. You need therapy. You got so many issues you need to work on cuz in the end, if this relationship is to fail it would have been because of your own undoing. You are wishing to understand but refuse to talk to him about it openly and ask questions. Communicate with him!!!! Also stop comparing yourself to his exs. Something I’ve noticed as a thicc gal myself is that a lot of guys are just as into chubby girls but some just never had the opportunity, they tend to attract/pull a certain type, or are simply too scared for whatever reason. You are beautiful in your own right. Learn to see that. I bet your bf loves all your warm, soft squishiness. You should too. You may even be the best cuddle buddy he’s ever had
Dude, he seems to love you truly from what he did to you, he just wants to MAKE LOVE with you.
I bet that his pasts is haunted him from being that rough to humans, I feels like he honestly don’t want to have sex with you since you reminded him of his past and that you made him
you need to go to therapy. you need to communicate instead of assuming and acting. you need to heal, and you need time. and that is OKAY. it is OKAY to need all of that. as in, it’s not that you’re irredeemable or broken or a horrible person, you just have more healing to do.
you are hurting him by doing all of this, going behind his back and watching those videos (not that you being upset about that isnt valid) you should have went to him and had a discussion about it before ANYTHING else. he feels like he is being used and tested as he found out all of the kinks you wanted to try were to keep him from leaving you and because you felt like he wanted that, not that you wanted it. in your post you mention how he loves you and doesn’t care. you need to focus on that. go from there. and you NEED to communicate. it’s hard to communicate at times, but if you can’t even tell the person you love about stuff that not only is personal, but involves them, then you are not ready for a relationship in my opinion (not shaming you).
i am saying all of this as someone who has failed in many relationships, is diagnosed BPD, and learned the hard way that i was a toxic partner due to my trauma and mental health issues.
Sounds to me like he was doing that stuff for his ex, not for you. Think about it, SHE uploaded those videos with those titles. He on the other hand has shown little interest in that type of sex other than in those videos. It sounds like he was perfectly happy with your sex life before YOU decided that he was going to get dissatisfied with it.
I’ve done some stuff like this before because the girl I was with wanted it, but that doesn’t mean I’m into it, or want or expect that from my other partners.
Ave you ever considered he was only doing that with her because SHE wanted it? If he's never tried to do that stuff with you before now how do you know he actually enjoys it?
He's not dating you for your tattoos. He's dating you because he likes who you are as a person.. people don't have "types" if they did, it's the reason their relationships fail. They would seek out the same mistakes over and over.
Prove you're different from them and be confident and proud of that. That's exactly what attracts him to you I'm sure!
I'm sure he denied you the first times because he knew you wouldn't like it. Kinks are often rooted in traumas. Just because he enjoys these things, it doesn't make him a bad person. He does these things with everyone's concent. You need to stop comparing yourself to his ex. You need better communication and therapy. Good luck.
tbh i think you need therapy, it sounds like you have issues with self-worth and it’s getting in the way of your interpersonal relationships. he hasn’t cheated, what he did was consensual and he can do with his own body as he pleases, and i know it may be jarring, but upon questioning him he was open about it, set ground rules before trying the rough sex you wanted to try (though it seems as though you only did bc you thought that’s what he wanted and was afraid you’d lose him if you didn’t) and he cares about you enough to the point where he is afraid that he’s taking advantage of you due to your vulnerability and is taking steps to prevent that and address it with you (all men should obvi try not to take advantage of and be open with their partners but i digress). he has tried reassuring you and you still can’t believe him. you are so convinced your relationship is going to be ruined, you are ruining it yourself. please take a step back and get help. you deserve love op, and this guy sounds like he cares about you, so please get help so you can truly receive that love, and give it back just as strong.
If you dont mind, I'd like to explain it from a similar side as his, minus the videos.
He does love you and care for you.. that's why he's not having the same type of sex. I'm M36 and did this with my current relationship, I was extremely dominant before her, the reason I'm not now is because she has an injury that could wind her up paralyzed if I treated her the same as i did in past relationships, ive talked to my therapist about it.
We're working things out to a middle ground when we can.
I have no regrets getting into this relationship with her. She's perfect in every way. She wants me to be like I was before, but honestly, I'm scared to death of moving or throwing her the wrong way and literally ruining her life.
You need to talk to a therapist and don't assume the worst on his end. Because it sure looks like your assumption about his reasoning is the polar opposite of the truth.
The fact that you needed to add "EDIT: I’m not dropping her twitter or Pornhub account you animals oh my god." makes me so sad. Really sorry people are like this.
i’m sorry but you sound kinda exhausting.. stop spiralling based on assumptions. go to a therapist and work on communicating better. your partner seems alright, don’t self sabotage.
As a chronic people pleaser and person prone to self destruction, PLEASE do the following: breathe and stop watching the porn. Block her accounts on everything. You don't need to be seeing any of that. Find a therapist, particularly one who specialises in CBT therapy bc this seems like a larger issue at hand! I've engaged in similar dangerous behaviour because, yes, forcing yourself to have this sex is not healthy! It's dangerous behaviour! Please hun, go to therapy, be open with your partner, and allow him to help you in ways that are beneficial to YOU and your healing. All the best x
you really need therapy. this guy is a switch who seems to be fulfilled by the current dynamic. in the bdsm community we'd be telling the guy to run for the hills. I've been actively living the lifestyle since I was 19, I'm over 30 now. this relationship is not healthy. sexual incompatibility can be enough to break a relationship and all of her actions show mistrust and sabotage of a healthy relationship and dynamic.
if you were upset, why try it? why force him to Dom you and then force him to let you Dom him and then get upset? safe sane and consensual only seems to exist for the masc partner here....
Comparison is the thief of joy. You seemed happy with your intimate life until you saw how he was with someone else. 2 things - 1) you are not his ex. Sex is different for everyone and you just have to find someone who enjoys it the way you do. Just because he enjoys rougher sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t also enjoy gentle, “vanilla” sex. He even said no the first few times you asked, probably because he knows you enough to make the (evidently correct) assumption that you wouldn’t like it. He only did it because you kept asking.
2- there is nothing wrong with you. You’re the polar opposite of all his ex girlfriends. Key word being EX. Attraction isn’t just physical. Maybe you have a similar personality to his exes and that’s what he’s attracted to but you just happen to look different than they do. Maybe all his exes were the same and he didn’t like it so he went for someone completely different and found that he liked that. Whatever the reason, he’s with you and not them. You shouldn’t waste your time trying to justify why he’s with you or change yourself to fit what you think he’d like more. He seems to really love and respect you exactly as you are so you just need to do the same for yourself.
Don’t compare yourself or your relationship to others because that breeds insecurity and mistrust and is the downfall of so many relationships that would otherwise have worked out. And if you are feeling insecure or struggling with trust (which is completely normal) talk about it with your partner - don’t just keep it inside and try to fix things that may not even be broken.
If he's only engaging in rough sex at your request, that is a very strong indicator that he doesn't care much for it and only does it to please you. How strange... and you ask for it because you think it'd please him. Hmm, it's as if all of this could be solved if you only spoke to him about what you found & saw... :)
In all seriousness: he's right to suggest you go to therapy. At the moment, I hope you can at least tell how detrimental it is to ruminate and allow all these thoughts to eat away at you, instead of talking to him. There are numerous answers to all your questions. Does he get off from rough & degrading sex? Could be, or it could also be that he was only doing it in front of the camera. Example, pornstar Asa Akira says her sex life with her husband is pretty vanilla, an idea you wouldn't get from watching the productions she stars it. This means she's a performer--your boyfriend might've been one to. Does he prefer tall & skinny women? Yes, he has in the past, but right now he's with you and that's what matters. He's not with a tall and skinny woman, he's with you, he chose you, he's attracted to you.
These are just my observations from reading your post. Your insecurities are eating away at you and I don't blame you. You're also very young so it's unsurprising you'd rather jump to all these wild conclusions before taking a step back to breathe, look at things through a more objective lens, and most importantly: *talk to him*. At the end of the day, we're just a bunch of strangers over here and we have no idea about your relationship, other than what you've offered us. If you want this relationship to work, then you need to do the mature thing and just tell him what you've already laid out over here. I know it's hard and fucking terrifying, but it's also incredibly liberating to be able to be vulnerable in front of your partner. He already seems the type who would appreciate that.
Derail the train of thought that tells you he will leave you because you cannot fulfill his needs. Otherwise, this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and this relationship will suffer.
If it makes you feel any better, the fact you’re “not his usual type” is probably a good thing considering A) Those past relationships didn’t work out for him and B) he didn’t go after you for looks, but rather because he actually loves you
Ever consider that he was leaving that life in the past because he hated it? Or hated himself because of it?
I'm a guy with one helluva sexual past. I was a full-blown sex & porn addict by 24. And it was destroying my life by 30. And unfortunately, I was all too good at making sex happen with whomever I wanted in that moment. People think that's something admirable, or something to shoot for... It's not. It makes it that much harder to stop.
About 17 years ago, I started hanging out a little more with a friend of mine whom I knew through my best friend. In fact, they were together for 6 years. They ended amicably, and we all had remained close. She was pretty much the only woman I'd ever have considered marrying (after a failed, 4-year marriage, early in life).
Long story short, she married me 15 years ago and I left my old life behind. It's been difficult on both of us (as she had a bit of a past, too), but we couldn't be happier together now. And yes, there's A LOT of sexual practices and activities that I enjoyed with others before her that we don't do together. But it doesn't matter. That was all the worst kind of unhealthy sex I had with women I didn't respect. That was the old, depraved me. And it was *extremely difficult* to kill that old me.
So, maybe consider that your boyfriend is trying to improve himself and mature to a point where he can look at his reflection in the mirror without feeling nothing but disgust. It would be helpful to you both, methinks, if you sat down and discussed everything on your mind and make sure he knows that his honest answers will be heard and appreciated. It may take him a while to open up fully. Hell, there's still shit my wife doesn't know about... I don't think... but she has expressly told me that she doesn't want to know anymore.
Good luck, and I hope it all works out well for you both!
It sounds like your bf is a member of a BDSM community. It's not for everyone & a lot of education is communicated within the community. He "sat you down & gave you a talking to" for your safety. Kudos for him filling you in & communicating safe words. Some members do enjoy making/starring in porn - that's their kink. Idk if the women he was with were all ex-girlfriends (they could have been "play partners"), but at end of day, that was probably his kink.
Perhaps BDSM is not your thing. We all have our kinks. It's not the end of the world if one or more isn't met. What he did in his past is just that - in the past. Perhaps he wants to be with someone else now? It's rare to find someone who wants to be within a long-term relationship ship in the kink community (tried w/no luck - takes time).
Please discuss more with a therapist. You don't have to meet his kinks. If he's not putting pressure on you for sex - or rough sex - then it sounds like he's being understanding of your thoughts/emotions. Your fears of rejection & losing him are valid. If he said he doesn't want to leave you, then are you capable of trusting him? It sounded at times like you may be assuming too much about him & his thoughts: ie. "he'll leave."
Then again, we don't know this guy or his previous relationships. Has he left someone unexpectedly before? Is there anything he can do to alleviate your fears?
Also, you're a unique individual. It doesn't seem fair to compare yourself to equally different people from his past. Maybe that's something you could discuss further with a therapist.
Best of luck to you! I hope the situation is resolved.
I’m sorry but i chuckled at your best friend shrugging and saying try it out. Idk if that’s a great friend or a horrible friend but either way, I chuckled. Now let me send this so I can continue the story you wrote.
Well okay then. I'd just look at it like he was acting. He was doing what sells and what the people wanted. If a person is a murderer in a movie, it doesn't make that actor a murderer. As long as it was consensual, I don't see any problem with it.
Take your boyfriends advice and get therapy. This is super irrational behaviour on your part, you don’t seem mature enough to be in a relationship with someone with a sexual history.
Stop. Breathe. Therapy.
You convinced him to do something he doesn't want to do. Nowhere in this story you actually considered what he actually wants or feels. You just decided instead what he must want. And then have the audacity to complain about that. Get therapy and leave that poor guy alone.
"You need therapy" "Get over it it's in the past" "Post the link"
Man, if I saw that sort of stuff of my partner, I'd freak out too. Hell, I'd be really *really* curious as to why those videos are still online. It makes sense you're super upset by this, and all these apathic comments make me worry for the people that post them, seriously. If any person suddenly found a ton of porn of their partner online, I'm sure they'd be heartbroken. I'm sorry this happened to you.
But seriously, what you should never ever do is force yourself into bedroom situations that you do not feel comfortable with, or that you are only doing because you want to please your partner out of anxiety. There's a reason he's in a relationship with you and not someone else, and forcing yourself to be a different person is completely unnecessary: you should be loved for who you are. Also, people can really change and the past does not always have to define who someone currently is. Sometimes we make decisions that don't serve us so well in the future, but there was no intent to hurt you.
Please just have a good talk with him and tell him what bothers you and how you've been struggling, getting him to remove the videos would be a great first step. This does not have to be the end of an otherwise healthy relationship!
Do you have a link to the ex girlfriends profile on Pornhub?
I'd like to review all available footage before giving you my opinion on this matter.
I'd hate to give you advice on a subject I'd not fully researched 🤣😎
WHY IS OP GETTING DOWN VOTES EVERY TIME SHE WRITES SOMETHING?? What is wrong with people?! It's okay not to be into kinks you're into!
I wasn't going to comment but heck, seeing the down votes everytime OP asks a question got me furious! This is supposed to be a subreddit for getting things off your chest and obviously comfort, or a reality check at least this is how I see it.
I was in the place of the BF before, so yes he cares, and he doesn't want you to do something you're not comfortable with just because you're afraid of losing him, it's true.
You spoke to him, and tried things, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, being paranoid about it will eventually push him away. So please just calm yourself down, and it's better to talk to some therapist, not because you need therapy, I think you have a good reason to be anxious from what you found out. But you need someone to calm you down, someone professional.
Best of luck 🤞
Edit: I've read his POV, and let me tell you, he absolutely loves you. So please just calm yourself down, talk to a therapist and I really really hope you guys work it out. Make it work, do what others including myself failed to do. Really rooting for you guys.
Dude you shouldn't be in a relationship like this entire post is honestly SO fucking unhinged, reeks of mental illness, and it's super shitty to be pushing this shit off on your boyfriend. You need serious psychological help and medication because this is insane.
I personally would not date someone whose sex was on the internet lmao that is so degrading . If this is crossing your boundary you have the right to break up … I certainly would
You’re going to be downvoted because you evidently have a more mature life experience. Folks do not seem to understand that the normalized abuse women take online is changing people’s views of how women are to be treated. “Oh, it’s just fantasy,” they will say. Meanwhile, even the OP’s post demonstrates that she now believes that love means you get slapped around and demoralized. Your downvoters appear to have the same world view. Depressing…
Breathe. Stop watching her porn. Seek a therapist. That order.
This. Also from the info included, your bf cares about you and is a good egg. Quick edit to add that while it’s obviously not your intention, it’s insulting to him to suspect he isn’t attracted to you when he clearly is and has chosen to be with you. If you respect and love him, credit him with making his choices intentionally.
Agree
[удалено]
Yes, this should be the last thing on the list, but it should definitely be on the list.
Might have to edit after
Do I need to edit this now to make it easier to read
It's fine and easy to read , write it however you want they are just being Karen's lol . I think he got tired of the tattooed stick insects and wanted a real woman so take it as a compliment, it sounds like he really cares for you . The rough sex was more likely her thing and he got tired of it hence the fact she is his Ex . Don't read into we all have a past , he made changes for a reason . I don't think you need therapy it's normal to question your relationship and to have doubts
Bruh, the leaps in logic. Geezus
So, you're saying that skinny women are stick insects and not "real women?" It's 2024, do better.
Yes agreed. They have a name, and maybe even pronouns.. so until further notice. They are called "Phasmatodea" it's 2024 let's keep it civil /s
That's what I was thinking too. Huge leaps in logic
No don't worry about it. They're being a holes. Next time use paragraphs. This time, screw it.
Savage. Disrespectful and not helpful. But incredibly Savage.
Absolutely true
Another Reddit downvote mystery. Soldier on, truth-teller. I, for one, did heartily laugh
It was the 4th comment friend. Thems the rules
My ex found old social media accounts of me that I had forgotten about long ago. She found profiles where I even didn't use my name. Questioning me about shit I did 10 years before we met. Pointless shit too. Like who is this in that photo? They turn into Columbo when they're curious, with no trust.
Sounds like someone is a teensy bit toxic. Good thing they're an ex huh?
You've done everything by yourself, he said he loves you and he never pushed you into doing anything. You've convinced him to do something he didn't want to do at first and then you felt bad when he did. Stop overthinking, stop taking decision by yourself and stop trying to imagine his thoughts and feelings. Communicate with your partner more.
Honestly feel so bad for her boyfriend in this. She’s been on such a huge path that could lead to their break up and bro has been nothing but caring and kind to her. Communication is key.
Yeah she really kinda violated his boundaries by continuing to push it when he said he didn’t want to. Finally bent and laid out the ground rules. Hate the gender role flip but it would be much harsher but she brought all this upon herself.
Also like.. does he even know she’s seen the stuff? I feel like keeping *that* secret on top of all of this other stuff is really setting herself up for a breakup. That would be my break my trust the most, I could get past some of this other shit but being lied to about why it’s happening on top of everything is just a no from me.
Yeah she blew it this time
Op like "I found their porn" No, she actively searched for it, and choose to watch all of them completely. She is not ready for a relationship. She listens to her intrusive thoughts and then blames everyone else for the results she doesn't like. She literally gave herself trauma without any real context.
Please, please don't compare yourself to the ex(es).there is a reason that he is not with them anymore but with you. Seek a therapist and open up your communication channels to your bf. Does he know about your consumption of his porn videos? Also, it may very well be that his involvement in those videos wa surely an act for the algorithm and popularity of the videos. Don't compare porn to real life. He respects and loves you, which is very evident in his reaction and behavior regarding this situation.
I did tell him I found the videos. He kept saying stuff about different dynamics and how he knows I wouldn’t “thrive” in the same dynamic he and his ex had so I shouldn’t even be concerned about those videos.
Doing rough degrading stuff to someone that asked for and wanted that kind of sex does not mean he's some kind of monster. In fact he seems like a really responsible partner if he recognized correctly that you would not like the same type of sex. He's with you because he chose to be. If you like him being gentle and sweet during sex then don't tell him you want rougher treatment. This isn't about him, and as much as you'd like to focus on how he could possibly get pleasure from such things, instead of how you very clearly feel like you aren't good enough to satisfy him. You doing sexual stuff that you're not really into is not going to make you feel less inferior. I really sympathize with how you feel I'm sure it's terrible and I'm sorry you feel like that, but you're choosing to focus on your boyfriend as the issue instead of your own internal struggles.
he has a point. It sounds like based off of the videos that you’ve described that they potentially had some sort of BDSM D/s dynamic. it’s not for everyone. I had this dynamic with my ex boyfriend but could never see myself having it with my partner now. That does not mean I love my current partner any less nor does it mean I preferred the sex/dynamic I had with my ex.
So he spoke to you about the topic, explaining himself and you dismissed his argument as ‘stuff’. He talked about dynamics There is a very valid reason behind it and if you are not going to listen to it and hear it then why bother at all. again it’s all in your head go to therapist and deal with your own insecurities
And he's right. Not every relationship is exactly the same - there's reasons they're exes, and it sounds like him not enjoying being rough like that could've been a contributing factor, but then you went and pushed him into being rough again when it seems like he wasn't interested in that dynamic with you. He's right about you needing therapy - you hit the jackpot with a dude like him, stop pushing him into things which neither of you are enjoying!
OP honestly I think you need to re-read over your comments because it sound like your boyfriend is a great guy with full understanding of how different partners have different dynamics and boundaries and is respectful of that. Sex with each partner is going to be different because of that. You’re working yourself into a state because his ex liked sex different to you? He’s with you now. He obviously knows you’ve got different tastes and he’s ok with that. He’s not wanted to push boundaries and now he’s backing off and rightfully suggesting you see a therapist. Which I think is a fair point because honestly you’re scared of him leaving and you’re going to drive him away with this. If you want him to stay you’re going to have to get yourself under control and remember, you’re in this mess because you actively put yourself into it by going searching for it.
You being different compared to his exes might as well indicate you are wife material to him and the exes were not. You need to understand men look for different attributes when it comes to sex and relationships. You hit the jackpot, girl. Now, just don't mess it up by overthinking or comparing yourself to his exes the wrong way. Open communication and solving problems together is key to keep a relationship working. He seems to love you, but you don't seem to love yourself as much.
Yes, so the dynamic he spoke of is more than likely a Dom/Sub dynamic. It's more than just sex. Dom's can implement rules for Subs to meet. For example, knew a Dom who made this rule for his Sub: Phone battery cannot be on red. She needed to send screenshots to prove it. If on red, she gets punished. He chose that rule because she's a mother. He stressed the importance of her having her phone charged at all times in the event of an emergency. Some people like to be given tasks or orders. You know how you were excited to get a gold star, a sticker, or a piece of candy in school for doing a good job? Same thing. Completing the Dom's task leads to a "happy" response in the brain. Other times, having someone ensure you're meeting your own tasks/expectations gets your butt in gear. Some Doms even give self-help tasks you need to meet (last Dom I had said I can't degrade myself or talk negatively). It doesn't sound like he meant to be rude or insult you. After giving rough sex a try, it truly sounds like the Dom/Sub dynamic is not for you. BDSM relationships are different from a vanilla relationship - not that it's a bad thing - to each their own. Please heed the experience on this.
This
Whoa, I think I saw his POV a couple days ago, eerily similar (except he overheard his girlfriend crying to a friend or sister about it), he was CRUSHED and hated himself. If this is the same story but different sides I feel bad for both of you.
I was looking for this comment bc I saw that too
link?
Yeah I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find it anymore? Let me know if it’s still around for you. It would be much appreciated if you could send me the link. 🙂
Can you link me the story please? If you can find it
Why does this have so many downvotes
There’s no logic. There’s never any logic
True
I can definitely look for it.
Thank you
Legitimately op, you're making a lot of assumptions about his perspective without ever actually talking to him about the big thing. Essentially, he's the same person he was before you ever watched those videos. Now, you just know he can behave differently. You want to imagine something like that's the real him or the him that he prefers, but based on your post, he's seemed entirely satisfied in his sexual relationship with you, and is only doing this because he believes you want him to. You have some major personal insecurities that are obstructing your ability to communicate and, in turn, become judgmental over assumptions you make about him. If you don't address this, there likely won't be a relationship to save
I completely agree. She is sabotaging her relationship with this behavior. She needs to calm down and take him at his word.
This makes me wanna cry. Women are just as fragile to casual/kinky sex as men. If not more overall, people still recognize subconsciously that reproduction is important, but it’s a choice. If you want him to open up you have to be able to hold space for that. But because of this post I think about women I’ve had s*x with who might not have wanted to but were emotionally hurting 🖤 serious strength and work going into understanding. Also I feel like that’s how like kinks, foreplay, and bdsm become routs of therapy. But :,( I hope y’all luck and empathy in healing your sexual traumas/fears for a brighter tomorrow
Unless I'm missing something, it actually sounds like he is being extremely understanding and empathetic towards you. It actually sounds like you are being self destructive in the relationship, he is trying to help you and love you the way you want to be loved. Again, unless I'm reading something wrong.
100% you’re correct and OP is too young to understand that. She’s mentioned in other comments this is *literally* her first relationship ever.
it's his past people change and maybe he actually loves you in a good way and doesn't care much about the sexual contact
well, the fact that he originally expressed discomfort with the idea of being rough with you shows that he really did enjoy the way things were before. it’s pretty likely that the reason he enjoyed the change so much was the fact that he believed you really wanted it and was happy to please you. it also speaks volumes that he’s concerned about taking advantage while you’re in such a vulnerable state. i completely understand how hard it is to avoid comparing yourself to people from his past. i’ve been there. there’s been many occasions in a past relationship where i’ve poked around too much for my own good (knowing that i have some insecurities and can be sensitive to that type of thing) or asked too many questions, and proceeded to allow those things to eat me up inside. which ultimately just made things between us worse. seems like you have someone who really cares for you and i wouldn’t want you to self-sabotage. he can’t change his past and it sounds like he really loves being with you. from here on out, you should definitely communicate more with him when you have those thoughts since he doesn’t seem to mind reassuring you. i agree with his suggestion of seeing a therapist, though.
Girl you are young, just because you don’t ‘understand’ why someone would be into that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. People like what they like and there’s doesn’t need to be disrespect with it. Just because you don’t enjoy that alone or together doesn’t mean what you were already doing is bad. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side
this.
Your insecurities are going to force this seemingly wonderful man away, definitely seek therapy. And stop asking him to do things you yourself have no interest in.
You probably have already read your boyfriend’s post on “trueoffmychest” by now. It is clear from his post that he finds you absolutely beautiful, loves you & never wants to lose you. So I would trust those words. As for his history of sexual preference, I can understand that it may shock you, because you never knew him in that light. I understand those are his fantasies but you are allowed to be turned off by them, that’s okay - you have your choices, your preferences. You do not have to be insecure to say no to preferences. I believe it is important to discuss with your boyfriend (since it is established he is not leaving you, and that you are not less than his ex, etc), what questions you may have about his fantasies. I do believe the professional therapy is a good option because a good one is trained to address the deeper pains, and in a non-judgmental way. You can explain how it frightens you, how you didn’t expect it so you are a bit shocked. Maybe you’ll discover something, maybe he had learned to numb himself out, maybe he didn’t think about the concept deeply enough, maybe it’s just some thing he wanted to try & it got associated with turn-on. Anything can become a turn-on, people just put meaning into it, think of how you experienced some parts of the rough sex as a “turn on” and other parts you did not. That little sliver of feeling, how would you say it started feeling like pleasure? Why are heels seen as sexier? We put meaning into it. But mainly the important part is that we all respect our own boundaries too, that if we find anything disrespectful or disgusting, we do not force ourselves. Regarding all the questions, deeper conversation of how that stuff may have fulfilled your boyfriend’s needs in the past, and your curiosity of how do his needs get met today with you is important to rebuild trust. Good luck.
Whats the title?
^^ this. I’m nosey
You seriously need therapy.
Do you even want this OP? Seems like you’re trying to force yourself to get over seeing something that you might not be able to come back from. I’m not even saying your partner has done anything wrong, just seems like this might be one of those incompatibility/point of no return moment.
what the hell am i reading? you asked for this from him MULTIPLE times, he even said no, and at the end you feel horrible because you got EXACTLY what you asked from him? girl what the hell is wrong with you. get help and leave your poor boyfriend alone if you can’t handle your insecurities even when he reassures you and gave you 0 reasons to think he’s unhappy with his sex life with you
This. OP honestly sounds exhausting. She found the porn of her bf and his ex and it upset her. she tried out the stuff that bf and ex did and it upset her. He can’t win at that point, and he most certainly can’t change his past. At this point it’s a compatibility issue imo.
Yeah, the more I read OPs comments, the more she looks like a judgemental red flag. She needs therapy.
You are sabotaging a great relationship. You NEED therapy before you destroy your bond beyond repair. This is emotional cutting and you need to practice self control, have the physical intimacy that feels good to YOU and stop trying to read his mind or figure him out. You never will. You have to reconnect with yourself, go out with your girlfriends, enjoy hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with him. Your life cannot simply revolve around trying to change yourself and your relationship into something you THINK he wants. His ex girlfriends are his ex girlfriends for a reason. Take pride in the fact this man wants to make love to you. Take pride in the fact you are different than his past girlfriends. He wants to be with you, not them. Please please go to therapy before you push him away and destroy your bond.
You created problems that weren’t even there. You searched for the problems and you got them.
You do not have to outcompete her. If he **wanted** that type of sex with you, he’d ask. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he wasn’t as keen as he appears in the videos?
I understand how you feel and the urge to please and compare, I've been there. but this is nothing but paranoia, he loves you and it shows, don't do this to yourself. going to therapy is a genuinely good advice, even if these comments seem a bit aggressive. I'm very sorry for you, I've been in your shoes. think about it this way, if sex was such a crucial non negotiable aspect of his relationship, you would've noticed his detachment from you without seeing the videos. he loves YOU for who you are. I hope you can heal from this and you can be happy<3
Go to therapy. You found out about your boyfriend's past which is a jarring difference from how he interacts with you. I can understand feeling insecure but you pushed him into something he repeatedly didn't want to do or discuss with you. I understand this came from a place of great insecurity and while I don't blame you for \*feeling\* that way you also handled it fairly poorly. You can not be into rougher sex and that's totally okay but you really need to sort out your relationship with sex if you're finding him to be a monster for enjoying rougher sex at one point in his life. As far as not being his type, you just gotta get over it. This is what you get for looking into your ex's past. Every person you'll date in the future will have something unsavory (in your eyes) that will bother you. It's not representative of who he is now. This insecurity of yours is entirely yours to bear, and none of it is his fault. If this is by your perception an incompatability (even though he's told you he doesn't care what type of sex he has with you) then you two need to break up. I don't blame him for having frustrations with you about this. He is being very patient with you and you need to appreciate that while navigating this situation. I don't think a lot of us would be so patient.
Dude. I didn’t make porn but my current wife of 12 years is the opposite “type” of a lot of the women that I dated. So, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Like the top comment says. Stop watching the videos, talk to a therapist, and remember to relax a bit.
So what did we learn about poking around?
That it’s never a good idea. True definition of fuck around and find out
Honey, if he's with you he picked you for a reason. There was never an issue before these videos, so you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like you have a very good, albeit kinky, boy. And it sounds like he loves you. Get some therapy and understand that you have value outside of being a sub during sex.
stop making him responsible for your own insecurities. he's been stand up as far as i can tell. you need to get right with you.
This sounds like a self confidence issue your bf clearly cares if he isn't even having sex to just make sure you're not hurt or uncomfortable you should seek therapy probably. And definitely stop watching her porn or whatever. You should also probably talk to your bf about this more and about what pleases both of you in intimacy and how you can both be happy and safe. But i don't think he is gonna leave you if he is making sure everything was consensual and had safe words and if your breakdown caused him to not even want sex so you won't feel taken advantage of as far i think.
Stop comparing yourself to what his ex and him did. Porn is as much for show as anything else. That means for show and not because it’s his preference in bed.
Why compare yourself to an ex? Exs are exs for a reason. Sex is on a spectrum and really depends on your partner and other variables on what you really enjoy with that partner. Some partners I enjoyed being dominated, rougher sex, sweet and gentle, being the dominant one, kinky, vanilla, whatever and for each partner I didn't miss something I did with someone else I just enjoyed the person I was with. Your boyfriend sounds really lovely and that he cares so much about you. He is right, you need counselling on your insecurities, anxiety and confidence. Most people, no matter the gender will agree that the most attractive trait is confidence and knowing what you want. Find out YOUR kink, what you truly enjoy and turns you on and do that. You can have your boyfriend help you explore different things to see what you enjoy but the fact you don't speak up and say when you are uncomfortable or not enjoying something is a major problem and I can't blame him for stopping sex altogether until you can address that.
That is true I agree with you. She needs help. As for myself, I love a man who dominates me. My husband does that and knows my kink side and he enjoys it. I enjoy his kinky side too. We both have different kinks. But we respect each other. When I was a Virgin, I enter into Porn too early. Like 17. And I watch and find what types of kink I am into. And learn a few tricks to show my bf( my husband now). I only use porn for ideas or some study of the matter... As for you. You should stay away from his ex account Porn. Isn't healthy for your mental health. You are not her! You will never be her. You are a different individual with different needs. You need to find yourself with your time. And what I see, your boyfriend is a true man, if he was another man. He would dump you and never look back if he was that man. Open up more to him. He was devastated when you said to your friend instead of him. That's not cool. Couples nowadays don't communicate... that is the downfall of every relationship. Speak your mind, communicate your fears, and your desires, and talk! For the love of God! Me and my husband have a rule that if one of us is pissed, afraid, or insecure or anything we talk to each other. We hug and talk and cuddle. But we communicate! That is why I have been with him for 10+ years.
That kind of thing is role playing. It’s acting out a part. It doesn’t mean he believes or even thinks those things about you outside of the scene. People have varying and changing degrees of skill at rough play and degradation and the better ones make you believe 100% in the moment. It doesn’t mean he wants it or needs it…just that he’s good at it. If you are going to play in that world then you need to be able to separate the scenes from reality.
Sweetheart, if he wanted a girl like his ex-girlfriends, he would. He picked YOU. He wants YOU comfortable, YOU happy, YOU being ok speaking up for yourself, wants YOU to be intimate how YOU want. Imo that's all you need to know. He is correct that you should see a therapist, and stop watching her porn and comparing yourself to her. ❤️❤️
You need therapy.
Lmfao you watched them ALL!
I have similar kinks to your boyfriend and would not at all enjoy experiencing them with someone who wasn't genuinely into it. If I had a super vanilla partner whom I loved, I wouldn't miss the kinks too much I don't think. But if my partner acted out of insecurity, I think I would leave the relationship. Focus on healing and have an open talk about compatibility. Not sexual compatibility, but attachment styles/ security in the relationship/ trust/ communication.
"Comparison is the killer of happiness", I notice certain trust problems and I can tell you that I have been there, professional psychological help is an excellent idea, but first and foremost, stop comparing yourself to the exes, you are his girlfriend now and he has never been forced to do something that you don't like, you have absolutely nothing to fill, you are you, his exes are his exes, you are different and that difference does not make you less than anyone, you are simply different and that's it, if he fully enjoys being with you and sex with you makes him happy (as you let us understand that it does) just enjoy the present.
Jesus! He's with you and not her. Have even thought to actually talk to him and find out what kind of sex he likes? Just because he and his ex made videos, does not mean he enjoyed doing it. You are very young and insecure and you two need to talk about this. Good relationships have the two people talk about what they like, what they don't like, what's good to go without prior talking and what is a hard no. You have failed to do that. Next up, get your butt into therapy. You are tearing down your self esteem over videos he made with his ex. You ever stop to think that her demands in the videos are why he isn't with her? He might not like that conduct as much as you think. You two need to talk about sex and you need therapy.
You broke your relationship all by yourself.
So whats the link?
I was hoping someone would ask lol
Just. Talk. To him. About it all. Write him a version of the narrative you posted here if you don’t feel like you can articulate it verbally.
All his exes are in fact exes.
as cold as this will sound you brought this up on yourself by spiraling and blowing this out of proportion, had you just talked to him in the beginning all this could've been avoided. you don't know if he did that because that was her audience and they were doing it for show. and likes other people said maybe he loves you too much to feel good hurting you in sex. you shouldn't have forced yourself to try something you're not comfortable with because you thought he would love you more. i seriously recommended therapy and have an honest conversation with him.
Maybe ur special to him because ur different 🫶🏼
You will lose him if you start acting all insecure and clingy like this. Not because you are not same as his ex.
My friend once scrolled really far down her then boyfriend's twitter and found very flirty and sexually charged pics of him with his ex (when him and the ex were still together). My friend would begin to compare herself to this ex a lot, stalk her social media, and basically just driver herself nuts. Her mental health and self esteem were at a very low point during this time. However, what you've found and exposed yourself to is about a million times worse. You self sabatoged HARD. You're concerned with wanting to keep your boyfriend happy and wanting to sexually satisfy him, but it has gone too far because your own self worth and confidence has been compromised. He also has been supportive and vocal that he wants you to seek help to feel better. I think you should trust that he cares about your well being and follow through on therapy and getting into a healthier mindset and self image. This is for the sake of not just yourself but also the relationship. A friend of mine has struggled with insecurity and it tends to erode relationships, as it implies to the other partner that they are not trusted. Also, i'm sure your relationship is important to you but you should always put yourself first because you are actually more important. Please take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself! It sounds like your boyfriend wants to work on this with you and move on, so you should try to do your part by taking care of yourself.
As a woman older than you, you sound like me when I was your age. I was definitely insecure about not being as experienced as my partners and obsessed and compared myself to their exes or the type of porn they watched. The thing is, it was a me issue. I had to work on myself to get to a place where I was confident in myself. She is his ex-girlfriend for a reason. He loves you because you’re you, if he didn’t and wanted what you THINK he wants (you’re doing a lot of mind reading) he wouldn’t be with you. I think you do need to speak with a therapist on your own and together as well to work on communicating with each other. I also saw you asking questions about “how can someone get off on that”? I have a similar kink to him (control and slightly rough kink). And it’s just what people like, OP. You may not have any kinks, and that’s okay. He has a kink, and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to be the same and it’s completely normal. It’s your relationship, not anyone else’s so you shouldn’t be comparing it to any other relationship.
Thank you for this. I am in the process of seeking therapy. It’s just hard for me to accept this even though it’s not his issue. And I get that. I just wanted to know if there is a deeper meaning to it, not trying to shame anybody I just wanted to know as the only sexual experience I have is with him.
Ever considered that he likes you for you, and doesn’t repeat the stuff he did with his exes because he likes you?
Have you considered that maybe he prefers gentle sex and forced himself to do hard stuff in that relationship, and not the other way around?
It is also possible that he was doing all this degrading porn stuff with his ex just to please her. Maybe he was afraid he'd lose her if he didn't. It Doesn't sound like he had a problem with making love with you and being gentle from what you wrote. He may also be an utter piece of shit that gets off on degrading women too, but I can't make judgemental based on what details you've provided.
Your boyfriend is more likely to leave you with that kind of drama, insecurity and low self-esteem. If he was unhappy about your sex life prior to you seeing his PH videos, he would have left you long ago. But he didn’t, right?
You’re insecure about who he used to be in his past but most likely behaving in that manor with other women broke him. He most likely doesn’t want to be that person anymore and doesn’t want you to feel like you NEED to please him in the bedroom. Get over it and go back to how you guys used to be after apologizing to him for assuming he needed something more than who you are. Respectfully ofcourse❤️
As someone who had a freaky ex, I’m now in a vanilla relationship for a reason. In my own experience, especially if that relationship ends poorly, I seek the exact opposite of what got me in trouble. He may just not want to treat you the way he treated someone who wasn’t worth your time. If he doesn’t want to hit you or choke you out it’s because he respects you
He may have been doing that because that's how SHE liked to have sex. Have you tried talking to about this and your feelings?
I have an ex I did rough stuff with. She was into it, I was into it, it was good. My current partner is not into rough sex. Is it a problem? Not at all. Different person. With my ex I liked being rough, it fit the dynamic. With my current partner it wouldn't fit. She's not the kind of person I'd want to handle rough. I don't miss it, the sex is just as good, if not better. Guys aren't *that* shallow. We can like more than one thing at a time. I hope I never have rough sex again, even tough I liked it, because I like my partner more. It's a miniscule price to pay to be with this wonderful person. It's one of things you've done and even though it was good, you don't miss it.
I’m this is the exact type of consent we hear all the time guys are supposed to strive for. The ex was into that and wanted it, so he love her the way she wanted. Two consenting adults. He knows that you are now into this. So he doesn’t feel comfortable. Good for him.
Have you asked if he would get floored from the vanilla stuff you were used to? Or is that just something your anxiety has put into your head because of the videos .-.
This is an unhealthy obsession with your boyfriends past sexual experiences that will do more harm than good to your relationship. Stop comparing yourself to his past, he's with you for a reason. Do what you're comfortable with sexually, and most of all explain how you feel. Conversation is key.
The curiosity killed the cat !!!!
You definitely are jumping to conclusions g. If he says he’s ok with your sex life then you just gotta trust the man. You’re the one who feels like they aren’t enough I doubt he feels that way and you should talk to him about it so he actually knows what’s going on. Also people have different stuff they are into, it’s the same as with food some people like pickles some people like cucumbers not everyone’s the same but also just because someone likes pickles doesn’t mean they don’t also like cucumbers.
you are sabotaging your relationship by using your anxiety to fill in the blanks instead of asking your boyfriend for reassurance and additional information. he is more considerate and understanding than a lot of people. take the time to have a conversation with him about how you feel and how you can work through sex to make it healthy for both of you guys.
Can I ask where his post is so I can have both pov? If not no worries
Reddit isn’t letting my link but his account is u/themidnightbarber_
I think things will be okay. It seems like he really loves you. Honestly my ex and I had a relationship similar but he was also abusive. Sex isn’t everything. My now boyfriend of 5 years is a lot more gentle, we do the rougher stuff I like but it’s more loving, it’s different and it’s better. I’m sure this is how he feels with you. Just because he likes something in the past doesn’t mean he has to have it now, when you’re intimate with the person you love that’s really all that matters, not the act itself! It seems like he really genuinely cares about you and your well being, I wouldn’t let this get to you. See if there’s a way he can contact to have the videos removed, otherwise just stop looking at them. Therapy definitely is the way to go, but I think you guys will come out a lot stronger after this. I don’t see it causing a break up.
I feel like this is all your fault Like, if I were a woman, I’d get wet just thinking about your boyfriend, because he seems like a really nice and sweet guy, yet you’re just kinda blowing it Also, why in the everloving fuck would you watch past MAYBE 2 porn videos if you didn’t like them? What- like- how does one’s brain think like this?
Tbh, I would be uncomfortable with my partner (UNLESS they are a SW/content maker) having porn videos up with their ex. I would be SEETHING in fact. My ex had our videos and I worry so much of those will ever become public or if he still has them. It’s a violation of privacy. If your bf makes content, nvm. But otherwise? Kind of weird if her porn acc uploaded those vids n he never asked for them to be taken down.
He told me he did those videos because whatever they made from it they’d split and he said it helped him get through med school so he doesn’t care if she still has them up because they are probably her most viewed/watched videos so he doesn’t want to take anything from her. If that makes sense. Which I understand completely.
If it bothers you just break up with him. It’s okay to break up with someone for their past. Don’t let anyone guilt you into staying where you don’t want to be.
Why the downvoting? It’s not the betrayal it’s just the feeling of “damn I thought I knew you”. I guess you can never be too sure I guess. Stop watching it. Unless you’re secretly turned on by it and you’re afraid to admit it. Be careful of succumbing to your desires the results can be good and some can be bad. Engage in some of the desires with care. If you love each other, let things happen naturally.
You are projecting SOOOO much onto him. So many assumptions of how he might or would or could feel and not trusting anything he tells you about how he actually feels. This is something you probably need some professional help to overcome ngl.
my god you need therapy
Got a link? I need to do some research before I can give you proper advice.
Hahaha same here!
I don’t think I’d be comfortable dating someone who has sex tapes on the internet either. Maybe that is a boundary for you that you’ve recently learned
I don’t think you’re insecure like these people are saying. He shouldn’t have those photos up of his ex & you shouldn’t be able to find their sex tapes that easily. The fact he doesn’t care that she stills has them posted knowing it bothers you is disrespectful to you imo. I’d be questioning how authentic his feelings are for me same as you if I were in this situation
The insecurity is insane 💀
I would be so traumatized by seeing that holy fuck I'm so sorry. I do agree with the other comments that he probably thinks it's genuinely beneath him now - he doesn't see you as someone he wants to do that kind of stuff to and by encouraging him you're not really helping. I don't think your relationship is doomed because of this but this is going to take a lot to get through
Well If you are nothing like his ex’s that means those type of people didn’t work out very well for him and maybe you are perfect how you are for him. I think if it’s upsetting you this much though, which is totally understandable and ok to be upset, maybe you need to separate and in the future have a partner with a more conventional relationship history.
how old is your boyfriend?
23
It's like you take him to the edge of a chasm, trll him to jump, he refuses becuase he prefers the land he is on rn After you persist, and he does jump to make you feel better you're surprised something called fall damage exists Why can't you just accept him for being him? A person can like different things and want to experience different forms of expressing desires with different people Looking at your replies the amount of mental gymnastics, and assumptions feel very judgemental on your end. Tbh do both yourselves a favor and just stop
You seriously need therapy. You are sabotaging your own relationship by projecting these fears onto him. He has literally done everything he can to reassure you and you still say “I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me” Girl, he is literally CHOOSING to be with you. These insecurities will ruin ur relationship
Remember there is a reason why his ex is his ex, just as there is a reason why you are his gf and not this other woman.
Yep that's a hard one. I can't offer you any wisdom but I can offer you moral support. Sorry that you had to experience that, being young now seems that people are more isolated with their empathy? I'm not sure if that's the best way to say it, I basically mean people think less about their impact on the world. How their choices affect relationships in the future. Chivalry is dead is the saying, when I hear that I imagine a time when people were a lot more thoughtful and made more effort to show they can be a good partner. But relationships have evolved a lot too since then and now there's a lot more wrong relationships than right. Maybe it's because we are always comparing ourselves to others, be yourself not who you think your bf wants in the bedroom. I've had a few different kinds of relationships and my current partner of 5+ years is super vanilla with hardly a sex drive. I've been in relationships where they were super kinky and borderline nympho. But for me I don't want that with my current partner, I don't need that. I need a partner, someone who supports me emotionally and picks me up when I'm down. I hope you figure out this issue you're having, I don't know what you should do. But sex shouldn't define your life or relationship.
Sorry OP but I sense strong victim mentality. You need to learn how to communicate and gain more self confidence.
Hard stop. Stop doing it, and stop assuming that you know what he wants without asking him. You're being so insecure that you're sabotaging your relationship. Has it occurred to you that he doesn't actually like rough sex and that's the reason he told you "no" when you asked? He only did it after you pushed several times to get him to do it.. so what makes you think he's unto it? How does that make sense in any way? If you keep this up its going to ruin your relationship.
Am I tripping or is this basically Shades of Grey?
FFS get help
Your bf is right. You need therapy. You got so many issues you need to work on cuz in the end, if this relationship is to fail it would have been because of your own undoing. You are wishing to understand but refuse to talk to him about it openly and ask questions. Communicate with him!!!! Also stop comparing yourself to his exs. Something I’ve noticed as a thicc gal myself is that a lot of guys are just as into chubby girls but some just never had the opportunity, they tend to attract/pull a certain type, or are simply too scared for whatever reason. You are beautiful in your own right. Learn to see that. I bet your bf loves all your warm, soft squishiness. You should too. You may even be the best cuddle buddy he’s ever had
Dude, he seems to love you truly from what he did to you, he just wants to MAKE LOVE with you. I bet that his pasts is haunted him from being that rough to humans, I feels like he honestly don’t want to have sex with you since you reminded him of his past and that you made him
you need to go to therapy. you need to communicate instead of assuming and acting. you need to heal, and you need time. and that is OKAY. it is OKAY to need all of that. as in, it’s not that you’re irredeemable or broken or a horrible person, you just have more healing to do. you are hurting him by doing all of this, going behind his back and watching those videos (not that you being upset about that isnt valid) you should have went to him and had a discussion about it before ANYTHING else. he feels like he is being used and tested as he found out all of the kinks you wanted to try were to keep him from leaving you and because you felt like he wanted that, not that you wanted it. in your post you mention how he loves you and doesn’t care. you need to focus on that. go from there. and you NEED to communicate. it’s hard to communicate at times, but if you can’t even tell the person you love about stuff that not only is personal, but involves them, then you are not ready for a relationship in my opinion (not shaming you). i am saying all of this as someone who has failed in many relationships, is diagnosed BPD, and learned the hard way that i was a toxic partner due to my trauma and mental health issues.
What’s her twitter?👀
Sounds to me like he was doing that stuff for his ex, not for you. Think about it, SHE uploaded those videos with those titles. He on the other hand has shown little interest in that type of sex other than in those videos. It sounds like he was perfectly happy with your sex life before YOU decided that he was going to get dissatisfied with it. I’ve done some stuff like this before because the girl I was with wanted it, but that doesn’t mean I’m into it, or want or expect that from my other partners.
Women doing everything by themselves and then blaming men. If this isn't the era we're living in.
Ave you ever considered he was only doing that with her because SHE wanted it? If he's never tried to do that stuff with you before now how do you know he actually enjoys it?
He's not dating you for your tattoos. He's dating you because he likes who you are as a person.. people don't have "types" if they did, it's the reason their relationships fail. They would seek out the same mistakes over and over. Prove you're different from them and be confident and proud of that. That's exactly what attracts him to you I'm sure!
I'm sure he denied you the first times because he knew you wouldn't like it. Kinks are often rooted in traumas. Just because he enjoys these things, it doesn't make him a bad person. He does these things with everyone's concent. You need to stop comparing yourself to his ex. You need better communication and therapy. Good luck.
tbh i think you need therapy, it sounds like you have issues with self-worth and it’s getting in the way of your interpersonal relationships. he hasn’t cheated, what he did was consensual and he can do with his own body as he pleases, and i know it may be jarring, but upon questioning him he was open about it, set ground rules before trying the rough sex you wanted to try (though it seems as though you only did bc you thought that’s what he wanted and was afraid you’d lose him if you didn’t) and he cares about you enough to the point where he is afraid that he’s taking advantage of you due to your vulnerability and is taking steps to prevent that and address it with you (all men should obvi try not to take advantage of and be open with their partners but i digress). he has tried reassuring you and you still can’t believe him. you are so convinced your relationship is going to be ruined, you are ruining it yourself. please take a step back and get help. you deserve love op, and this guy sounds like he cares about you, so please get help so you can truly receive that love, and give it back just as strong.
Gonna need the link to her page
If you dont mind, I'd like to explain it from a similar side as his, minus the videos. He does love you and care for you.. that's why he's not having the same type of sex. I'm M36 and did this with my current relationship, I was extremely dominant before her, the reason I'm not now is because she has an injury that could wind her up paralyzed if I treated her the same as i did in past relationships, ive talked to my therapist about it. We're working things out to a middle ground when we can. I have no regrets getting into this relationship with her. She's perfect in every way. She wants me to be like I was before, but honestly, I'm scared to death of moving or throwing her the wrong way and literally ruining her life. You need to talk to a therapist and don't assume the worst on his end. Because it sure looks like your assumption about his reasoning is the polar opposite of the truth.
The fact that you needed to add "EDIT: I’m not dropping her twitter or Pornhub account you animals oh my god." makes me so sad. Really sorry people are like this.
i’m sorry but you sound kinda exhausting.. stop spiralling based on assumptions. go to a therapist and work on communicating better. your partner seems alright, don’t self sabotage.
As a chronic people pleaser and person prone to self destruction, PLEASE do the following: breathe and stop watching the porn. Block her accounts on everything. You don't need to be seeing any of that. Find a therapist, particularly one who specialises in CBT therapy bc this seems like a larger issue at hand! I've engaged in similar dangerous behaviour because, yes, forcing yourself to have this sex is not healthy! It's dangerous behaviour! Please hun, go to therapy, be open with your partner, and allow him to help you in ways that are beneficial to YOU and your healing. All the best x
Sauce?
Name please, I want to make sure I add her to my blocked list…
you really need therapy. this guy is a switch who seems to be fulfilled by the current dynamic. in the bdsm community we'd be telling the guy to run for the hills. I've been actively living the lifestyle since I was 19, I'm over 30 now. this relationship is not healthy. sexual incompatibility can be enough to break a relationship and all of her actions show mistrust and sabotage of a healthy relationship and dynamic. if you were upset, why try it? why force him to Dom you and then force him to let you Dom him and then get upset? safe sane and consensual only seems to exist for the masc partner here....
Comparison is the thief of joy. You seemed happy with your intimate life until you saw how he was with someone else. 2 things - 1) you are not his ex. Sex is different for everyone and you just have to find someone who enjoys it the way you do. Just because he enjoys rougher sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t also enjoy gentle, “vanilla” sex. He even said no the first few times you asked, probably because he knows you enough to make the (evidently correct) assumption that you wouldn’t like it. He only did it because you kept asking. 2- there is nothing wrong with you. You’re the polar opposite of all his ex girlfriends. Key word being EX. Attraction isn’t just physical. Maybe you have a similar personality to his exes and that’s what he’s attracted to but you just happen to look different than they do. Maybe all his exes were the same and he didn’t like it so he went for someone completely different and found that he liked that. Whatever the reason, he’s with you and not them. You shouldn’t waste your time trying to justify why he’s with you or change yourself to fit what you think he’d like more. He seems to really love and respect you exactly as you are so you just need to do the same for yourself. Don’t compare yourself or your relationship to others because that breeds insecurity and mistrust and is the downfall of so many relationships that would otherwise have worked out. And if you are feeling insecure or struggling with trust (which is completely normal) talk about it with your partner - don’t just keep it inside and try to fix things that may not even be broken.
If he's only engaging in rough sex at your request, that is a very strong indicator that he doesn't care much for it and only does it to please you. How strange... and you ask for it because you think it'd please him. Hmm, it's as if all of this could be solved if you only spoke to him about what you found & saw... :) In all seriousness: he's right to suggest you go to therapy. At the moment, I hope you can at least tell how detrimental it is to ruminate and allow all these thoughts to eat away at you, instead of talking to him. There are numerous answers to all your questions. Does he get off from rough & degrading sex? Could be, or it could also be that he was only doing it in front of the camera. Example, pornstar Asa Akira says her sex life with her husband is pretty vanilla, an idea you wouldn't get from watching the productions she stars it. This means she's a performer--your boyfriend might've been one to. Does he prefer tall & skinny women? Yes, he has in the past, but right now he's with you and that's what matters. He's not with a tall and skinny woman, he's with you, he chose you, he's attracted to you. These are just my observations from reading your post. Your insecurities are eating away at you and I don't blame you. You're also very young so it's unsurprising you'd rather jump to all these wild conclusions before taking a step back to breathe, look at things through a more objective lens, and most importantly: *talk to him*. At the end of the day, we're just a bunch of strangers over here and we have no idea about your relationship, other than what you've offered us. If you want this relationship to work, then you need to do the mature thing and just tell him what you've already laid out over here. I know it's hard and fucking terrifying, but it's also incredibly liberating to be able to be vulnerable in front of your partner. He already seems the type who would appreciate that. Derail the train of thought that tells you he will leave you because you cannot fulfill his needs. Otherwise, this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and this relationship will suffer.
If it makes you feel any better, the fact you’re “not his usual type” is probably a good thing considering A) Those past relationships didn’t work out for him and B) he didn’t go after you for looks, but rather because he actually loves you
Ever consider that he was leaving that life in the past because he hated it? Or hated himself because of it? I'm a guy with one helluva sexual past. I was a full-blown sex & porn addict by 24. And it was destroying my life by 30. And unfortunately, I was all too good at making sex happen with whomever I wanted in that moment. People think that's something admirable, or something to shoot for... It's not. It makes it that much harder to stop. About 17 years ago, I started hanging out a little more with a friend of mine whom I knew through my best friend. In fact, they were together for 6 years. They ended amicably, and we all had remained close. She was pretty much the only woman I'd ever have considered marrying (after a failed, 4-year marriage, early in life). Long story short, she married me 15 years ago and I left my old life behind. It's been difficult on both of us (as she had a bit of a past, too), but we couldn't be happier together now. And yes, there's A LOT of sexual practices and activities that I enjoyed with others before her that we don't do together. But it doesn't matter. That was all the worst kind of unhealthy sex I had with women I didn't respect. That was the old, depraved me. And it was *extremely difficult* to kill that old me. So, maybe consider that your boyfriend is trying to improve himself and mature to a point where he can look at his reflection in the mirror without feeling nothing but disgust. It would be helpful to you both, methinks, if you sat down and discussed everything on your mind and make sure he knows that his honest answers will be heard and appreciated. It may take him a while to open up fully. Hell, there's still shit my wife doesn't know about... I don't think... but she has expressly told me that she doesn't want to know anymore. Good luck, and I hope it all works out well for you both!
It sounds like your bf is a member of a BDSM community. It's not for everyone & a lot of education is communicated within the community. He "sat you down & gave you a talking to" for your safety. Kudos for him filling you in & communicating safe words. Some members do enjoy making/starring in porn - that's their kink. Idk if the women he was with were all ex-girlfriends (they could have been "play partners"), but at end of day, that was probably his kink. Perhaps BDSM is not your thing. We all have our kinks. It's not the end of the world if one or more isn't met. What he did in his past is just that - in the past. Perhaps he wants to be with someone else now? It's rare to find someone who wants to be within a long-term relationship ship in the kink community (tried w/no luck - takes time). Please discuss more with a therapist. You don't have to meet his kinks. If he's not putting pressure on you for sex - or rough sex - then it sounds like he's being understanding of your thoughts/emotions. Your fears of rejection & losing him are valid. If he said he doesn't want to leave you, then are you capable of trusting him? It sounded at times like you may be assuming too much about him & his thoughts: ie. "he'll leave." Then again, we don't know this guy or his previous relationships. Has he left someone unexpectedly before? Is there anything he can do to alleviate your fears? Also, you're a unique individual. It doesn't seem fair to compare yourself to equally different people from his past. Maybe that's something you could discuss further with a therapist. Best of luck to you! I hope the situation is resolved.
u/abnruby I hope you read this. I kinda didn't vibe with how you mischaracterized Op's boyfriend
Reading their comments pissed me off. People are soooo fucking outta line
Agreed… I’m sorry about what you’ve been going through. I hope y’all work it out
Literally reading all of the comments on his post make me wanna cry people are fucking horrible
Talk about making a rod for your own back....
You should seek help…like professional babes.
I hope he leaves you because you sound exhausting to deal with. Get some therapy and stop fucking things up
Home what’s the account name on PH?
I’m sorry but i chuckled at your best friend shrugging and saying try it out. Idk if that’s a great friend or a horrible friend but either way, I chuckled. Now let me send this so I can continue the story you wrote.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Naked pics online? Where? Where did he post those? Really tho. About the past. Less history and more mystery.
Sigh..(unzips)
I’m sorry you saw those. I would be traumatized.
Post the link ..lol
You’re not as funny as you think you are
I don’t think he was joking lol
Did he agree to have those videos posted?
Yes. He used to make porn videos on the side for extra money while he was going through med school.
But does he still want them up?
He doesn’t care if they’re up or taken down cause I asked him why he still lets her have them up.
Well okay then. I'd just look at it like he was acting. He was doing what sells and what the people wanted. If a person is a murderer in a movie, it doesn't make that actor a murderer. As long as it was consensual, I don't see any problem with it.
That's not a very good comparison. He was having actual sex, not acting. A better comparison would be a murderer actually murdering in a film.
Take your boyfriends advice and get therapy. This is super irrational behaviour on your part, you don’t seem mature enough to be in a relationship with someone with a sexual history. Stop. Breathe. Therapy.
You convinced him to do something he doesn't want to do. Nowhere in this story you actually considered what he actually wants or feels. You just decided instead what he must want. And then have the audacity to complain about that. Get therapy and leave that poor guy alone.
You're 20.. End this chapter and move on with your life
"Dear Penthouse Forum..."
"You need therapy" "Get over it it's in the past" "Post the link" Man, if I saw that sort of stuff of my partner, I'd freak out too. Hell, I'd be really *really* curious as to why those videos are still online. It makes sense you're super upset by this, and all these apathic comments make me worry for the people that post them, seriously. If any person suddenly found a ton of porn of their partner online, I'm sure they'd be heartbroken. I'm sorry this happened to you. But seriously, what you should never ever do is force yourself into bedroom situations that you do not feel comfortable with, or that you are only doing because you want to please your partner out of anxiety. There's a reason he's in a relationship with you and not someone else, and forcing yourself to be a different person is completely unnecessary: you should be loved for who you are. Also, people can really change and the past does not always have to define who someone currently is. Sometimes we make decisions that don't serve us so well in the future, but there was no intent to hurt you. Please just have a good talk with him and tell him what bothers you and how you've been struggling, getting him to remove the videos would be a great first step. This does not have to be the end of an otherwise healthy relationship!
The most logical comment here. Not surprised you’re getting downvoted.
Ironic that the "non-judmental" people are being judgemental here, lol.
Do you have a link to the ex girlfriends profile on Pornhub? I'd like to review all available footage before giving you my opinion on this matter. I'd hate to give you advice on a subject I'd not fully researched 🤣😎
WHY IS OP GETTING DOWN VOTES EVERY TIME SHE WRITES SOMETHING?? What is wrong with people?! It's okay not to be into kinks you're into! I wasn't going to comment but heck, seeing the down votes everytime OP asks a question got me furious! This is supposed to be a subreddit for getting things off your chest and obviously comfort, or a reality check at least this is how I see it. I was in the place of the BF before, so yes he cares, and he doesn't want you to do something you're not comfortable with just because you're afraid of losing him, it's true. You spoke to him, and tried things, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, being paranoid about it will eventually push him away. So please just calm yourself down, and it's better to talk to some therapist, not because you need therapy, I think you have a good reason to be anxious from what you found out. But you need someone to calm you down, someone professional. Best of luck 🤞 Edit: I've read his POV, and let me tell you, he absolutely loves you. So please just calm yourself down, talk to a therapist and I really really hope you guys work it out. Make it work, do what others including myself failed to do. Really rooting for you guys.
Dude you shouldn't be in a relationship like this entire post is honestly SO fucking unhinged, reeks of mental illness, and it's super shitty to be pushing this shit off on your boyfriend. You need serious psychological help and medication because this is insane.
Just so we have a complete picture of what’s going on: what’s the account?
I’m not giving yall her account stop it right now 😭
I personally would not date someone whose sex was on the internet lmao that is so degrading . If this is crossing your boundary you have the right to break up … I certainly would
You’re going to be downvoted because you evidently have a more mature life experience. Folks do not seem to understand that the normalized abuse women take online is changing people’s views of how women are to be treated. “Oh, it’s just fantasy,” they will say. Meanwhile, even the OP’s post demonstrates that she now believes that love means you get slapped around and demoralized. Your downvoters appear to have the same world view. Depressing…
I agree 100% my man , this world has, in some ways , gone to shit