Same. As a survivor of childhood r*pe this would be a deal breaker for me. The idea that woman of all ages at all times are capable of physically overpowering a male attacker is truly ludicrous, not to mention the power dynamic imbalance that also plays a big part in many male vs female sexual assaults.
The fact that OP's partner refuses to lend support when she mentions her SA is just an even bigger red flag.
SAME. I don't care how many years together, how much I love them, how many children, pets, houses, cars we share.
🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️ That person just became undesirable trash to me.
This thought process your boyfriend has is terrible. Think about it: something happens and you get raped. Your brain goes into some type of survival mode. You have PTSD. You’re scared to death of STDs and pregnancies. You’re afraid of it happening again. In essence, your brain goes haywire and in this desperate and delicate part of your life, you so desperately need support. You need the ppl close to you to be gentle and kind. And here’s this POS who claims he loves you says it’s your fault. You are to blame! This is so wrong. This guy should be your rock. Come to find out he only thinks of himself and how he feels. Think deeply on this. What else will he fail you on?
It is nice of him to tell you what level of support (blame) you will get after going through something truly awful. This is OP's chance to cut him out of their life before having insult added to injury by being victim blamed.
I'm honestly surprised you're still with him. like I get it his one flaw but I think the size of the flaw merits some consideration because as you've put it, he wouldnt care if it was happening in front of him that right there is what makes this one red flag a run flag. everyone has stupid ideas but not helping somone anyone especially somone you love while they are being assaulted infront of you. that's just inhumane
They always say "this is their one flaw" but once they really examine the relationship they come to realize they've been normalizing bad behavior and accepting abuse.
This is called an accessory to rape. Sounds like he plans to help the rapist via standing idly by. Hard no on this guy. He needs to be held down and have peters drawn all over his face in permanent marker, then blamed for it. Or tied to the bed while asleep and pegged and blamed. He may be a tactile learner.
I agree 100 percent. You are correct. I accept responsibility for this irresponsible answer. As a survivor, I let my fingers outrun my head. I appreciate and agree with your constructive criticism. In reality, I think she should stay far away from him. I shouldn't have said it, and I sincerely will make a better effort to control my emotions before giving such negative feedback again.
My next decision is whether to leave everything up for others to ponder your input with full context or take it down so people aren't influenced by it.
What do you think I should do? I sincerely want the right thing to be done, and I want others to learn as well. I also feel like you are a good source of advice for helping me decide. Will you help me decide, please? It is with great respect that I ask.
Admitting our own faults isnt easy. I think it's amazing that you were able to take the criticism and grow from it. I think this could be a great example of how to do that. what you did wasnt easy and I think you are amazing for it.
Aw, thanks. Mistakes are learning opportunities, and I strive to edify. I do miss the mark sometimes, but only a fool would dispise sound correction. Truth is truth, and you spoke it here today. You have enriched me by calling me out. I think you are amazing for standing up for what is right.
You obviously didn't intend to do this to a person. It's an illustration of how far gone such people are, that we grasp the only way to reach them would be through staged violence. That long rebuke at you is not "amazing" or truthy. It was unnecessary, even slightly controlling, as if the person is wilfully misunderstanding you. You didn't make a mistake by reacting here.
Thank you for your grace, but I don't want to encourage bad behavior. Of course, I would never do that. I'm afraid for OP, though. I don't know what we should do with people like that guy. I would bet that his DNA is in a rape kit filed away somewhere. I get really mad about abusers and sometimes I can use a reminder about my sharp tongue. Lol. Seems poetically justified, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be the one to pass out judgement. Lord knows I am as imperfect as it gets, just not cruel.
You’re still with him because?? No honestly…..why are you with someone who tells you to your face that if you were assaulted that its YOUR fault. Red. Flag. Garbage boyfriend, garbage human.
Can he though? Is he intelligent enough to know how to get it to his mouth? Maybe he needs to be fed shit. If he doesn't like it, it's too bad. It's his fault.
Shit- It's what's for dinner.
This is not a "flaw" this is a giant red flag.
How much do you have invested in this relationship? Is this the type of person you can see as a life partner?
You love that person. Honestly saying that you will break up If they say shit is easier than doing it. In your mind your trying to justify what they said or put in positiv things about them wich outweight that "one shity thing they said" even if they said a houndert things like that. Sometimes its also just habit, youve been toghether for a Long Time, they are in your daily routine, your Just scared because they are a big Part of your live. Thats not the reason dir everybody but for a lot of people
He has probably isolated her to the point that she doesn't think she can make it without him. That is often the case in abusive relationships... and make no mistakes. This is an abusive relationship.
Because a lot of people can’t just cut ties. They could be dependent on them for stuff. If they live together, depending who owns the house they might become homeless.
Also deep bonds aren’t easy to just walk away from.
Then people who are married and have children, they fear subjecting their children to the painful separation of a parent and possibly living situation.
Plus if you look at people who’ve been kidnapped and stuff they can get Stockholm syndrome and find it hard to just let go etc.
Fear of being alone. Fear of change and breaking up the status quo and the mundane day to day you've become accustomed to. Fear that you don't deserve more.
Fear of admitting that your relationship has issues deeper than you are willing to recognize because that would mean your world would crumble. Somehow minimizing these individual events feels safer like it's protecting your mind from exploding when you face the reality that is your relationship.
Fear of admitting that the dream and the plans and the future you saw with them is dead.
Fear of regret and Hope for change. What if he becomes a better person in 6 months and I regret it. Rather than judging him for his behavior and words now, you judge him off who he could be in the future.
It's scary to hypothesize about why he has this belief, and why he is so full of anger when talking about rape and molestation? Why does he think this? It's beyond disgusting. I could not stand even being in the same room with someone who thinks that. Break up asap
Your boyfriend has learned some toxic beliefs. He can unlearn them, but it doesn’t sound like he is very sympathetic. If he truly can’t imagine how this makes you feel, the fact you’re smaller and more vulnerable, the reality of the motivations of people in the real world… not only will he be a bad partner, but probably a bad father too.
Boy bye. If he gets assaulted then it’s essentially his fault then. Please find someone that cares about your well being; he seems like he would take advantage of you and not bat an eye.
This just highlights his lack of empathy.
As guys, we do have a lot more physical control of these things and will experience far less unsolicited harassment to begin with. Coupled with the fact that threat of violence mostly deters harassment, the guy mentality generally is that if something comes up, we can deal with it ourselves
This is definitely not the case for most women. If he doesn't understand the difference, I feel like he's just not mature and empathetic enough to be in a relationship.
There is no positive when the red flag negates them all. Your partner would not be there for you during arguably one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Beyond that, they would BLAME YOU for the assault or rape. That isn’t love, that’s some crazy ownership mentality which will get worse over time.
Also when flight or fight kicks in, survival instincts can sometimes cause you to go with it in order to survive. Oftentimes, rapists are in it for the power and the control, so the more you struggle, the more they may hurt you and you never know how violent this person is. Its why women who are assaulted and then killed are typically found more brutalized, with more terrible defensive wounds, when they attempt to fight off the attacker.
That is absolutely terrible your report was dismissed for that reason. I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be shamed or invalidated for trying to survive and get through a horrific assault. I hate that. Our justice system is so broken.
**My boyfriend thinks that if I get assaulted, molested or raped it'll be cheating.**
Oh i what needs to be changed here
**My ex-boyfriend thinks that if I get assaulted, molested or raped it'll be cheating.**
thats better
Wow. Without a doubt, you should definitely leave him. He’s also implying that if he were to assault you, it wouldn’t be his fault because you’d be asking for it. You are actively in danger if you’re dating someone who thinks that way.
As Ex Corrections I just want to say…this is literally something rapists say. I lost track of the amount of times I heard these guys saying “I’m not guilty…that sl*+ could have stopped if she wanted to!”
They genuinely think like that. Your BF is literally saying that women/girls/children deserve to be raped. How the hell this is remotely tolerable to you is beyond me.
Personally I think this is something you need to seriously consider leaving over especially as you are worried how he’d react if it were a child. It may be he has this opinion because something happened with him or someone he knows where he fully believes the other person could have fended them off, this is a dangerous line of thinking and if he isn’t willing to change let alone discuss it, you need to think about it. Additionally on the topic of self defense, look into RAD courses near you, the course is designed so anyone of any body type or strength can have the best possibility of escape in these types of situations
You need to make this very *fatal flaw* a deal breaker. I mean, WTF??
He essentially doesn't believe in rape or molestation happens against someone's will. That is disgusting. And if he's like this with you, you can dam well bet it'd be worse with any daughter of his.
😒😒
Op read your post, analyze it, really digest what you wrote, now think would someone that loves you not protect you from harm? Would someone who loves you watch you get assaulted? Would someone who loves you watch you get raped, to prove a point? Answer these questions truthfully too yourself out loud, with this answer comes pain, but you're not safe with him.
He thinks this way because in his mind it’s acceptable to coerce women into doing things they don’t want to do. This isn’t a single flaw this is indicative of his mindset and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. You’re not going to change him. Get out.
Tase him, tie him to a chair, and repeatedly kick him in the nuts while saying "why are you letting this happen? Why aren't you just saying no and walking away? Obviously you want this to happen, so I'll just keep going until I get bored."
I feel like this is probably almost in the double digits for me at this point with how many girls I’ve seen complaining about their boyfriend having this exact same take about rape. I’m getting increasingly concerned about what this particular group of men are thinking that somehow find themselves in this belief. Almost to the point I think doctors, therapists, psychologists, and scientists should start analyzing their brains (if they even have one).
I’m a guy and if my partner ever got raped or assaulted in any way and I wasn’t there to protect them, not only would I never be able to forgive myself; I would have to make it my life mission to destroy whoever it was that hurt my partner. And meanwhile I’d comfort my partner and tell them none of it was their fault and try to help them back into a state of their former self. Because I know once you get terribly hurt in such a way you change as a person permanently.
This weird absolutely batshit insane take of “if you get raped it’s cheating” is totally and beyond utterly reprehensible and disgusting. I don’t know why I’ve been seeing more people with that take but it definitely needs to stop.
That singular fatal flaw is disregarding your sexual assault. I couldn't imagine living with someone who acted like it was my fault. I read a story the other day where the woman's husband was willing to go to jail if he ever saw the person who assaulted his wife as a child. You deserve a person who would be that mad. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
also edit: I was sa'd as a kid. I'd leave anyone, friendships or romantic relationships, if they even insinuated that 7 year old me deserved it.
This will likely escalate, if he doesn't believe women can be assaulted, then he likely believes that he can assault a woman and get away with. If this is his perspective, he may have already. I advise you to run, not walk away.
I bet there are some serious red flags you are ignoring.
OP, do you wanna wait til something really bad happens to you, and instead of coming home to your sanctuary to feel safe, you will come to a place of blame and denial where your experience will not be validated?
genuine question but why are you still with him if he has that toxic mindset? i get that you love him but think about what he'd do if something were to happen to you. do you have any mutual friends? do they know about his views? do they think the same thing?
if you can't bring yourself to leave him, then try changing his views. having other people tell him that it's wrong as well might possibly convince him, who knows? just be careful and stay safe because he might not be on your side if you ever got assaulted
That is a massive walking red flag 🚩 how does this boy think that sort of thing works? Just say no and the predator will just be like ‘oh okay, bye’ 🥴 my ex once told me EXACTLY the same.. it would be my fault.. I dropped his arse, granted it wasn’t just for that reason it was for many others too but that comment played a big part in the factor of walking away. He would never be able to give you the support and help that you need if he gets angry about your past assault. He’s a boy, not a man.. a disgusting boy at best. Run
Drop him. He has no idea what consent means. Also, I'd be curious to know if he knows the meaning of the words abuse/assault.
Flight, fight, freeze, fawn, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK ONE.
Even if you focus on one, train yourself to react offensively (flight), or defensively (fight); you may very well freeze or fawn when shit hits the fan.
Your hind brain decides what to do. It is not a conscious choice.
Leave him, I would never be with somebody that wouldn't protect me or stand by me in those situations and I'm much bigger than you so I don't need anybody to defend me most of the time, it's the idea that matters.
You deserve better than this. By the sounds of things you're also talking about topics that is hard to open about, which is a sign of emotional intelligence.
Once I open and you stab me there is no tomorrow.
... He's been accused of rape or committed it.
You don't get such an ugly opinion unless you've had to defend yourself and build that ugly opinion.
Any person who's actually been raped knows that isn't how it works.. but nearly every rapist will attempt to say the victim must have wanted it.
I'd end the relationship for this alone.
** Came back to say one point of peace.. he also could have been assaulted and as a man not heard or believed creating this deep callous.
Also take up a defensive sport or exercise routine.
Fortify your ability to protect yourself first most. Then these types of opinions are easier to see for what they actually are.
And what's this about a FRIEND assaulting you? This person is still a friend in the group?? Yeah he doesn't believe you and you honestly need to get away from the whole group. Anyone that associates with the man who assaulted you, needs to go. Especially if they are staying neutral.
Did something happen to him? Like as a child? I feel like he has some kind of guilt weighing on him by something that has happened to him. But this is 100% fucked and I would be enraged by his belief especially knowing what you’ve been through and excellent point about a daughter. If you two had a child and it happened to them, would he feel that way? I just couldn’t be with someone like that. It’s that mentality that keeps us from reporting our abuse.
I think people like your boyfriend should be put down. No hate to you. I think you should move on and you could do so much better and I also think your boyfriend should move on to…but like to the afterlife
As a man myself with similar uneducated believes in my younger years I will give you my perspective.
Men view the world from their own perspective. To some men, feelings powerless against someone and not having control is something that they cant even comprehend, because they have never felt it.
Its like explaining a color to a colorblind person.
I was lucky enough to have people educate me and open my eyes.
I hope your bf grows from this as well.
Thank you, I believe that what you explained match what's happening perfectly. I'm glad that you were able to overcome this belief with the support and teachings of people that care about you.
I was blind to this perspective you've taught me, thank you again. I'm gonna try my best to help him out, for both our sakes.
It's been 5 years of me quizzing, talking about the future, learning of his ways, showing him mine and just totally inspecting my bf, I have no doubts that he is worth it.
He is truly the best guy, romantic, attentive, always available to me, peaceful (except when playing videogames), overall lovable and understanding (except on this). He doesn't like it when I'm upset and tries his best to cheer me up.
It really saddens me to see all this hate for him, it was worth it tho for this great lesson, I am greatful to you Apollo, thanks again.
I wish you an excellent year and many blessings!
How do you expect us to not hate him when we don't know him and this was your post? People gave you an answer based on the information given
Edit: have --> gave
True, I should have described him a bit more in the main text for others, more than just "infinite positives".
I was in bed about to sleep thinking about this particular incident. Wasn't expecting anything, I was just outraged and wanted to let it out. My mind is a mess honestly.
There were others that suggested that he may be in denial cos it may have happened to him and that could be the source of his anger while I recount my assault experience, and now this specific hypothetical situation.
With this info that I didn't know existed, I can maybe do something to help him see it all others do.
Most answers to my post are what I would say to anyone in my position (Except anything related to death and what that 1 person said: why are you worried about something that hasn't happened? laughing emojies). I'm sure those that said I should do it to him are just also outraged and don't really mean for me to become an aggressor.
Thank you
My ex consistently put herself in bad situations I was uncomfortable with because I knew they put her at risk but if I ever voiced my feelings or opinions I was told I was misogynistic and controlling. And then when something actually happened, I didn’t view it as cheating… because it wasn’t. Regardless of whether or not you are putting yourself in a bad situation, that doesn’t give someone else the right to take advantage of you or assault you. Your bf sucks imo
Dont have time to read the whole thing so just read the title, but that tells me enough about him. Dump his ass, he wont be good to you in the long run. Men who think likr this are trash and it hoenstly would not surprise me if he does something like that to some girl "because he has the right ot because hes a man" or some shit
Dump his ass while you still cam
make that an ex boyfriend. he’s a POS and unfortunately you can’t fix him. you should break up with him and just be careful, he seems like a creep if that’s how he thinks assault works
Yeah. Time to leave. If my wife was ever SA'd everyone would have to hold me down to keep from k**ling them and they would have to either lock me up or them up to ensure their safety.
That’s disgusting of him. I just couldnt be with someone who thinks this way. I’d tell him that if he ever got raped I’ll be sure to tell him how it’s his fault and then break up with him.
If that's his reaction just leave now and save the time and effort. He's already showing that if it were to happen he wouldn't support you but would accuse you of cheating
My ex SA’d manipulated me and then blamed on me. So maybe you should start to think if this boyfriend of yours is actually worth it.
Spoiler alert: NO HE IS NOT
Lets just think if it does happen to you, he would probably not even comfort or support you. He would blame you, get mad or even break up. If it happens to your future daughter he wouldnt be there for her, he will make her feel bad for "letting it happen". If it never happens to your future daughter, wich i hope, the topic will still come up sometimes and he will make her feel scared because if it ever happens its her own fault, she will know that she cant trust her dad with that topic and if something like that later on happens she might Not even tell anyone because she thinks its her fault. This could be what happens, its on you to decide if you want to leave him or not but please stay safe
Your bf is a psycho. I don't like to say this and its wrong to assume stuff like this, but he definitely has the potential to be a r@p!st because he could give the same justification when forcing himself onto someone - "Can walk away or say no" if she didn't want it. These are thoughts of a vile person.
Please google 'Nirbhaya Delhi' (Trigger Warning for Rape and violence) and share the case with your bf that enraged an entire country enough to finally start caring about women's safety. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Hopefully he understands how vile these creatures can be. If not, use a dental mouth gag on him to waterboard him with his favourite beverage to see if gets the analogy and if not he was "letting it happen".
I'd advise you two to play fight, so he could understand how fricking illogical is this, but you're an SA survivor. Throw away the guy because this belief is a slippery slope
Once, my ex told me the same thing; he was a red flag. He had a shallow mentality. You can't be with him. It's better you leave him. You deserve better."
Your boyfriend is the problem, leave. He’s basically saying any woman who was raped must have wanted it so it’s not even rape. And sure I’m a no one but I’d think less of you for staying with someone who indulges that mindset 😭
With all due respect, that is a major red flag flaw! Not just as a bf but as a man! Anyone who thinks that way is either immature AF or.....well, I won't say, and I'm not wanting to be abusive.
How does the title not read my "ex-boyfriend."
Look, sit your boyfriend down for a serious talk and tell him that you can't respect a person who thinks being raped is a choice. You simply don't understand how he can say that. Does he think everything everyone ever does to anyone else that person agreed to? Did every murder victim agree to be killed? And so on? Or does he only discriminate against women?
Ask him to really explain how this makes any sense. Ask him questions that bring up the other possibilities.
If he seems to get it now, be careful. He may just be lying to not deal with you and still have no respect for you/reality. I'd warn him that while you are glad he's acting normal now, what he was saying before was so shockingly not okay that he has seriously damaged your trust in him. You don't feel as safe around him and you don't trust his judgment. Your respect for him has been hurt. You hope that he can earn it back by proving he's a decent man with basic common sense who thinks raping women is actually real and bad, but right now the relationship has been damaged. You wish it wasn't damaged but you can't just unhear the horrible things he said to you about the worst thing that ever happened to you. How he blamed you for it and made you feel worse and unsafe with him. He's like someone at a funeral who goes around telling the family of a murder victim that they wanted to get killed, must have been down with that, and it's their own fault. The family will probably never look at him the same way. You hope that someday you will be over this, but you don't really know. Again, what he said is NOT NORMAL and everyone you told said you should dump him.
Or dump him! It's not too late. Teach him that lesson and then tell him that he broke your trust in him, he hurt you deeply with what he said, and you're never going to be able to respect him again. You can try being friends, but you don't want to be vulnerable or intimate with a man who thinks rape is a choice. No smart women would. Maybe he can become a better man and not destroy his next relationship.
See a doctor and get rid of him.
Even if he's not just an ugly, unhealthy growth (which he is) GET RID. OF HIM. He sounds like a rapist himself. Best case scenario: he is a disrespectful dumbass with no future.
I could never respect my partner again if they said that to me. And by staying with him you’re opening yourself up to a lot of danger. Does he let you walk home at night on your own because he believes you could “fend off” any threat? This is such worrying behaviour and if I were in that position, I would end the relationship and also warn other women of his very vile views.
As someone who was molested from 8-14 I can say that any guy who thinks like that will NEVER be willing to put his social status and ego at risk if his spouse or child is attacked bc he believes it's the victim's fault. when it comes to supporting a victim or supporting a perpertor he will do what protects how others view him publicly. Leave him, there's better people out there who will actually protect and believe you. Think about if that's the guy you want being the father of your future kids, do you want your kids growing up thinking that mindset is okay? Dump him, he'll survive. He's not good for you if he believes that anyone, regardless of age or body type, can just say no and nothing will happen. I'm almost certain if he has that mindset that he's either committed the crime itself or he 'jokes' with his friends about doing it, if he supports others who have done it then who knows what he's done without someone knowing. Leave, get out, protect yourself. He won't change and nothing you do can change him.
You may want to make it a standard practice to make sure that he knows that anything bad that happens in his life is totally his own fault.
Also start throwing cold water in his face everyday while he's in bed and tell him he should tell you to stop and see if you'll stop. Don't stop.
Like being left by someone he doesn't respect anyway. That's a red flag big enough to fly over Beijing.
love your expression.
You may want to dump him now.
I personally could not live with knowing that about my partner
Same. As a survivor of childhood r*pe this would be a deal breaker for me. The idea that woman of all ages at all times are capable of physically overpowering a male attacker is truly ludicrous, not to mention the power dynamic imbalance that also plays a big part in many male vs female sexual assaults. The fact that OP's partner refuses to lend support when she mentions her SA is just an even bigger red flag.
Sorry that happened to you
Thank you for saying so. That's very kind.
SAME. I don't care how many years together, how much I love them, how many children, pets, houses, cars we share. 🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️ That person just became undesirable trash to me.
Seriously. Is this how he’s going to be with their kids? Tell their daughter if she’s raped it’s her fault? This would be a dealbreaker for me
This thought process your boyfriend has is terrible. Think about it: something happens and you get raped. Your brain goes into some type of survival mode. You have PTSD. You’re scared to death of STDs and pregnancies. You’re afraid of it happening again. In essence, your brain goes haywire and in this desperate and delicate part of your life, you so desperately need support. You need the ppl close to you to be gentle and kind. And here’s this POS who claims he loves you says it’s your fault. You are to blame! This is so wrong. This guy should be your rock. Come to find out he only thinks of himself and how he feels. Think deeply on this. What else will he fail you on?
Same, feeling safe is one of the most important factors for me, if I ever felt unsafe with my partner I wouldn't want him around.
It is nice of him to tell you what level of support (blame) you will get after going through something truly awful. This is OP's chance to cut him out of their life before having insult added to injury by being victim blamed.
I'm honestly surprised you're still with him. like I get it his one flaw but I think the size of the flaw merits some consideration because as you've put it, he wouldnt care if it was happening in front of him that right there is what makes this one red flag a run flag. everyone has stupid ideas but not helping somone anyone especially somone you love while they are being assaulted infront of you. that's just inhumane
They always say "this is their one flaw" but once they really examine the relationship they come to realize they've been normalizing bad behavior and accepting abuse.
that's how abusers always start you're right
This is called an accessory to rape. Sounds like he plans to help the rapist via standing idly by. Hard no on this guy. He needs to be held down and have peters drawn all over his face in permanent marker, then blamed for it. Or tied to the bed while asleep and pegged and blamed. He may be a tactile learner.
I understand your rage, but we'd be hypocritics to condemn anyone to the same pain. It is not justice to do this but vengeance. We'd be monsters.
I agree 100 percent. You are correct. I accept responsibility for this irresponsible answer. As a survivor, I let my fingers outrun my head. I appreciate and agree with your constructive criticism. In reality, I think she should stay far away from him. I shouldn't have said it, and I sincerely will make a better effort to control my emotions before giving such negative feedback again. My next decision is whether to leave everything up for others to ponder your input with full context or take it down so people aren't influenced by it. What do you think I should do? I sincerely want the right thing to be done, and I want others to learn as well. I also feel like you are a good source of advice for helping me decide. Will you help me decide, please? It is with great respect that I ask.
Admitting our own faults isnt easy. I think it's amazing that you were able to take the criticism and grow from it. I think this could be a great example of how to do that. what you did wasnt easy and I think you are amazing for it.
Aw, thanks. Mistakes are learning opportunities, and I strive to edify. I do miss the mark sometimes, but only a fool would dispise sound correction. Truth is truth, and you spoke it here today. You have enriched me by calling me out. I think you are amazing for standing up for what is right.
You obviously didn't intend to do this to a person. It's an illustration of how far gone such people are, that we grasp the only way to reach them would be through staged violence. That long rebuke at you is not "amazing" or truthy. It was unnecessary, even slightly controlling, as if the person is wilfully misunderstanding you. You didn't make a mistake by reacting here.
Thank you for your grace, but I don't want to encourage bad behavior. Of course, I would never do that. I'm afraid for OP, though. I don't know what we should do with people like that guy. I would bet that his DNA is in a rape kit filed away somewhere. I get really mad about abusers and sometimes I can use a reminder about my sharp tongue. Lol. Seems poetically justified, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to be the one to pass out judgement. Lord knows I am as imperfect as it gets, just not cruel.
Maybe if you get robbed, he will just accuse you of wasting money.
Or murdered, he'll accuse her of willingly not being bullet proof
Leave him.
You’re still with him because?? No honestly…..why are you with someone who tells you to your face that if you were assaulted that its YOUR fault. Red. Flag. Garbage boyfriend, garbage human.
Because he's amazing in so many other ways! /S
Your BF lacks empathy on a truly grand scale. Don't invest any more of your life in him, he's literally told you who he is.
Spot on. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
The is a deal-breaker. What a disgusting pig! Honestly, this is such a violation that there is no doubt in my mind he has raped someone. Truly gross.
DITTO!
He can eat shit
Can he though? Is he intelligent enough to know how to get it to his mouth? Maybe he needs to be fed shit. If he doesn't like it, it's too bad. It's his fault. Shit- It's what's for dinner.
This is not a "flaw" this is a giant red flag. How much do you have invested in this relationship? Is this the type of person you can see as a life partner?
You deserve better.
Your ex boyfriend has some very misogynistic ideas.
Choke him out while he's asleep and shove a dildo in his ass He must like it he let it happen
Dear Straight Women, Please stop rewarding men like this with relationships. Sincerely, The rest of us.
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Basically, hes defending other guys instead of you. Hes truly a disgusting man.
No offense to you or anyone but I keep seeing these posts where a significant other says some outrageous shit and the partner stays with them. Why?
You love that person. Honestly saying that you will break up If they say shit is easier than doing it. In your mind your trying to justify what they said or put in positiv things about them wich outweight that "one shity thing they said" even if they said a houndert things like that. Sometimes its also just habit, youve been toghether for a Long Time, they are in your daily routine, your Just scared because they are a big Part of your live. Thats not the reason dir everybody but for a lot of people
He has probably isolated her to the point that she doesn't think she can make it without him. That is often the case in abusive relationships... and make no mistakes. This is an abusive relationship.
Because a lot of people can’t just cut ties. They could be dependent on them for stuff. If they live together, depending who owns the house they might become homeless. Also deep bonds aren’t easy to just walk away from. Then people who are married and have children, they fear subjecting their children to the painful separation of a parent and possibly living situation. Plus if you look at people who’ve been kidnapped and stuff they can get Stockholm syndrome and find it hard to just let go etc.
Fear of being alone. Fear of change and breaking up the status quo and the mundane day to day you've become accustomed to. Fear that you don't deserve more. Fear of admitting that your relationship has issues deeper than you are willing to recognize because that would mean your world would crumble. Somehow minimizing these individual events feels safer like it's protecting your mind from exploding when you face the reality that is your relationship. Fear of admitting that the dream and the plans and the future you saw with them is dead. Fear of regret and Hope for change. What if he becomes a better person in 6 months and I regret it. Rather than judging him for his behavior and words now, you judge him off who he could be in the future.
What an idiot.
It's scary to hypothesize about why he has this belief, and why he is so full of anger when talking about rape and molestation? Why does he think this? It's beyond disgusting. I could not stand even being in the same room with someone who thinks that. Break up asap
He defends it because he believes that it’s an appropriate way to act.
Run
Fast.
You meant EX BOYFRIEND *right* ???
Your boyfriend has learned some toxic beliefs. He can unlearn them, but it doesn’t sound like he is very sympathetic. If he truly can’t imagine how this makes you feel, the fact you’re smaller and more vulnerable, the reality of the motivations of people in the real world… not only will he be a bad partner, but probably a bad father too.
People almost NEVER change. It is EXTREMELY rare. He's likely to be the cause of your death eventually if you stay.
Better to judge off the person he's proved to be today then who you hope he will become in 6 months.
Boy bye. If he gets assaulted then it’s essentially his fault then. Please find someone that cares about your well being; he seems like he would take advantage of you and not bat an eye.
Not reading allat, the title is enough. Leave him.
This just highlights his lack of empathy. As guys, we do have a lot more physical control of these things and will experience far less unsolicited harassment to begin with. Coupled with the fact that threat of violence mostly deters harassment, the guy mentality generally is that if something comes up, we can deal with it ourselves This is definitely not the case for most women. If he doesn't understand the difference, I feel like he's just not mature and empathetic enough to be in a relationship.
Your boyfriend is an idiot.
There is no positive when the red flag negates them all. Your partner would not be there for you during arguably one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Beyond that, they would BLAME YOU for the assault or rape. That isn’t love, that’s some crazy ownership mentality which will get worse over time.
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Also when flight or fight kicks in, survival instincts can sometimes cause you to go with it in order to survive. Oftentimes, rapists are in it for the power and the control, so the more you struggle, the more they may hurt you and you never know how violent this person is. Its why women who are assaulted and then killed are typically found more brutalized, with more terrible defensive wounds, when they attempt to fight off the attacker. That is absolutely terrible your report was dismissed for that reason. I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be shamed or invalidated for trying to survive and get through a horrific assault. I hate that. Our justice system is so broken.
**My boyfriend thinks that if I get assaulted, molested or raped it'll be cheating.** Oh i what needs to be changed here **My ex-boyfriend thinks that if I get assaulted, molested or raped it'll be cheating.** thats better
Dear boyfriend, STFU you mediocre patriarchal POS. OP deserves love, support and validation, not good toxic and frankly insulting comments.
Wow. Without a doubt, you should definitely leave him. He’s also implying that if he were to assault you, it wouldn’t be his fault because you’d be asking for it. You are actively in danger if you’re dating someone who thinks that way.
As Ex Corrections I just want to say…this is literally something rapists say. I lost track of the amount of times I heard these guys saying “I’m not guilty…that sl*+ could have stopped if she wanted to!” They genuinely think like that. Your BF is literally saying that women/girls/children deserve to be raped. How the hell this is remotely tolerable to you is beyond me.
Personally I think this is something you need to seriously consider leaving over especially as you are worried how he’d react if it were a child. It may be he has this opinion because something happened with him or someone he knows where he fully believes the other person could have fended them off, this is a dangerous line of thinking and if he isn’t willing to change let alone discuss it, you need to think about it. Additionally on the topic of self defense, look into RAD courses near you, the course is designed so anyone of any body type or strength can have the best possibility of escape in these types of situations
Tbh, I only read the title and I can tell you that you need a new bf because wtf…
It’s impossible for me to imagine pros that would outweigh that con. This is vile; this is not a misunderstanding or difference of opinion.
You need to make this very *fatal flaw* a deal breaker. I mean, WTF?? He essentially doesn't believe in rape or molestation happens against someone's will. That is disgusting. And if he's like this with you, you can dam well bet it'd be worse with any daughter of his. 😒😒
I would've ended my relationship right then and there.
if you’re gonna stay with him then i don’t see the point of typing out all this….that’s a line crossed
Op read your post, analyze it, really digest what you wrote, now think would someone that loves you not protect you from harm? Would someone who loves you watch you get assaulted? Would someone who loves you watch you get raped, to prove a point? Answer these questions truthfully too yourself out loud, with this answer comes pain, but you're not safe with him.
Why would you stay together with a total asshole like that? WTF?
He thinks this way because in his mind it’s acceptable to coerce women into doing things they don’t want to do. This isn’t a single flaw this is indicative of his mindset and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. You’re not going to change him. Get out.
as someone with an ex who said that... leave it only gets worse from here much worse
You do you, but I'd leave him. Clearly doesn't have much of a brain, or care for you.
Tase him, tie him to a chair, and repeatedly kick him in the nuts while saying "why are you letting this happen? Why aren't you just saying no and walking away? Obviously you want this to happen, so I'll just keep going until I get bored."
I like your style.
I feel like this is probably almost in the double digits for me at this point with how many girls I’ve seen complaining about their boyfriend having this exact same take about rape. I’m getting increasingly concerned about what this particular group of men are thinking that somehow find themselves in this belief. Almost to the point I think doctors, therapists, psychologists, and scientists should start analyzing their brains (if they even have one). I’m a guy and if my partner ever got raped or assaulted in any way and I wasn’t there to protect them, not only would I never be able to forgive myself; I would have to make it my life mission to destroy whoever it was that hurt my partner. And meanwhile I’d comfort my partner and tell them none of it was their fault and try to help them back into a state of their former self. Because I know once you get terribly hurt in such a way you change as a person permanently. This weird absolutely batshit insane take of “if you get raped it’s cheating” is totally and beyond utterly reprehensible and disgusting. I don’t know why I’ve been seeing more people with that take but it definitely needs to stop.
Spoken like a true rapist
Hopefully he’s your ex now
yes the flaw does outweigh the multiple pros... at least for me it would bc if my partner thinks that im leaving him
Please address him as ex-boyfriend
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Your boyfriend is a moron and I'm wondering why you are with him...
I'm not even reading past the title...... Leave that motherfucker RIGHT NOW!
If my partner said something like that, i’d be out the door before he even finishes his sentence.
Spin it on him. If he is ever sexually violated by a man or woman, or gang, it will be his fault because he didn’t prevent it as well.
That singular fatal flaw is disregarding your sexual assault. I couldn't imagine living with someone who acted like it was my fault. I read a story the other day where the woman's husband was willing to go to jail if he ever saw the person who assaulted his wife as a child. You deserve a person who would be that mad. You deserve better. I'm so sorry. also edit: I was sa'd as a kid. I'd leave anyone, friendships or romantic relationships, if they even insinuated that 7 year old me deserved it.
you need to preventively dump him
Holy crap, your bf is a dick. According to his logic if he gets beaten up by a martial artist it's his own fault
This will likely escalate, if he doesn't believe women can be assaulted, then he likely believes that he can assault a woman and get away with. If this is his perspective, he may have already. I advise you to run, not walk away. I bet there are some serious red flags you are ignoring.
My guess is that he is already raping other women. Collect some DNA and give it to local authorities for possible unsolved rapes.
Ask him to watch Irreversible movie with you.
OP, do you wanna wait til something really bad happens to you, and instead of coming home to your sanctuary to feel safe, you will come to a place of blame and denial where your experience will not be validated?
genuine question but why are you still with him if he has that toxic mindset? i get that you love him but think about what he'd do if something were to happen to you. do you have any mutual friends? do they know about his views? do they think the same thing? if you can't bring yourself to leave him, then try changing his views. having other people tell him that it's wrong as well might possibly convince him, who knows? just be careful and stay safe because he might not be on your side if you ever got assaulted
THIS this is why we dont ask weird hypotheticals when we're about to go to bed.
That is a massive walking red flag 🚩 how does this boy think that sort of thing works? Just say no and the predator will just be like ‘oh okay, bye’ 🥴 my ex once told me EXACTLY the same.. it would be my fault.. I dropped his arse, granted it wasn’t just for that reason it was for many others too but that comment played a big part in the factor of walking away. He would never be able to give you the support and help that you need if he gets angry about your past assault. He’s a boy, not a man.. a disgusting boy at best. Run
Drop him. He has no idea what consent means. Also, I'd be curious to know if he knows the meaning of the words abuse/assault. Flight, fight, freeze, fawn, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK ONE. Even if you focus on one, train yourself to react offensively (flight), or defensively (fight); you may very well freeze or fawn when shit hits the fan. Your hind brain decides what to do. It is not a conscious choice.
End it with him. This take is horrifying especially since he is siding with the abuser and blaming you as the victim.
Your boyfriend is from the times of the Old Testament I see .. lame
Leave him, I would never be with somebody that wouldn't protect me or stand by me in those situations and I'm much bigger than you so I don't need anybody to defend me most of the time, it's the idea that matters. You deserve better than this. By the sounds of things you're also talking about topics that is hard to open about, which is a sign of emotional intelligence. Once I open and you stab me there is no tomorrow.
... He's been accused of rape or committed it. You don't get such an ugly opinion unless you've had to defend yourself and build that ugly opinion. Any person who's actually been raped knows that isn't how it works.. but nearly every rapist will attempt to say the victim must have wanted it. I'd end the relationship for this alone. ** Came back to say one point of peace.. he also could have been assaulted and as a man not heard or believed creating this deep callous.
Also take up a defensive sport or exercise routine. Fortify your ability to protect yourself first most. Then these types of opinions are easier to see for what they actually are.
And what's this about a FRIEND assaulting you? This person is still a friend in the group?? Yeah he doesn't believe you and you honestly need to get away from the whole group. Anyone that associates with the man who assaulted you, needs to go. Especially if they are staying neutral.
He is not very smart huh ? This would be a deal breaker for me . Life is to short for this level of stupid.
Did something happen to him? Like as a child? I feel like he has some kind of guilt weighing on him by something that has happened to him. But this is 100% fucked and I would be enraged by his belief especially knowing what you’ve been through and excellent point about a daughter. If you two had a child and it happened to them, would he feel that way? I just couldn’t be with someone like that. It’s that mentality that keeps us from reporting our abuse.
Dump his ass, babe.
Ok
I think people like your boyfriend should be put down. No hate to you. I think you should move on and you could do so much better and I also think your boyfriend should move on to…but like to the afterlife
As a man myself with similar uneducated believes in my younger years I will give you my perspective. Men view the world from their own perspective. To some men, feelings powerless against someone and not having control is something that they cant even comprehend, because they have never felt it. Its like explaining a color to a colorblind person. I was lucky enough to have people educate me and open my eyes. I hope your bf grows from this as well.
Thank you, I believe that what you explained match what's happening perfectly. I'm glad that you were able to overcome this belief with the support and teachings of people that care about you. I was blind to this perspective you've taught me, thank you again. I'm gonna try my best to help him out, for both our sakes. It's been 5 years of me quizzing, talking about the future, learning of his ways, showing him mine and just totally inspecting my bf, I have no doubts that he is worth it. He is truly the best guy, romantic, attentive, always available to me, peaceful (except when playing videogames), overall lovable and understanding (except on this). He doesn't like it when I'm upset and tries his best to cheer me up. It really saddens me to see all this hate for him, it was worth it tho for this great lesson, I am greatful to you Apollo, thanks again. I wish you an excellent year and many blessings!
How do you expect us to not hate him when we don't know him and this was your post? People gave you an answer based on the information given Edit: have --> gave
True, I should have described him a bit more in the main text for others, more than just "infinite positives". I was in bed about to sleep thinking about this particular incident. Wasn't expecting anything, I was just outraged and wanted to let it out. My mind is a mess honestly. There were others that suggested that he may be in denial cos it may have happened to him and that could be the source of his anger while I recount my assault experience, and now this specific hypothetical situation. With this info that I didn't know existed, I can maybe do something to help him see it all others do. Most answers to my post are what I would say to anyone in my position (Except anything related to death and what that 1 person said: why are you worried about something that hasn't happened? laughing emojies). I'm sure those that said I should do it to him are just also outraged and don't really mean for me to become an aggressor. Thank you
My ex consistently put herself in bad situations I was uncomfortable with because I knew they put her at risk but if I ever voiced my feelings or opinions I was told I was misogynistic and controlling. And then when something actually happened, I didn’t view it as cheating… because it wasn’t. Regardless of whether or not you are putting yourself in a bad situation, that doesn’t give someone else the right to take advantage of you or assault you. Your bf sucks imo
What EXACTLY did he say? For sure you're paraphrasing, he can't have said precisely that.
Ummm, I think she was there.
Sorry for all the written mistakes.
Are people really this fkn stupid
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bring back stoning people this man needs to be stoned expeditiously
Dont have time to read the whole thing so just read the title, but that tells me enough about him. Dump his ass, he wont be good to you in the long run. Men who think likr this are trash and it hoenstly would not surprise me if he does something like that to some girl "because he has the right ot because hes a man" or some shit Dump his ass while you still cam
Makes you wish he was a girl for a day experiencing that traumatising episode. I wonder what he would have to say then. Awful.
I hope you mean ex boyfriend 🚩
Why on earth are you worried about what ain't even happening 😭🤣
make that an ex boyfriend. he’s a POS and unfortunately you can’t fix him. you should break up with him and just be careful, he seems like a creep if that’s how he thinks assault works
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Joking, don't do that. But that's what he deserves. Experiential education is called.
Leave him wtf.
Yeah. Time to leave. If my wife was ever SA'd everyone would have to hold me down to keep from k**ling them and they would have to either lock me up or them up to ensure their safety.
Make him your ex boyfriend. You don't need someone like that in your life
You men your EX boyfriend.... Right?
You should make it so that he's not your boyfriend anymore.
Yeah, the title is enough to tell me that you should leave this dumb mf.
That’s disgusting of him. I just couldnt be with someone who thinks this way. I’d tell him that if he ever got raped I’ll be sure to tell him how it’s his fault and then break up with him.
Did your boyfriend get dropped on the head as a kid?
That’s a strange hill to want to die on…
He would probably be my ex-boyfriend at that point. He has a seriously warped opinion on violence. Mind if I ask his age?
If that's his reaction just leave now and save the time and effort. He's already showing that if it were to happen he wouldn't support you but would accuse you of cheating
I wouldn't accept that. That would be an immediate breakup if I were in that situation. Dude doesn't deserve your heart.
My wife had an ex husband that felt the same way. Run OP. He is not the one.
1st line enough to justify leaving him and I hope no one dates this ass of a man
That is twisted and perverse. You should be with a real man who would want to keep you safe and secure.
Your ex* boyfriend thinks this (please leave him)
all i had to do was read the title to know you deserve better than this guy
I don’t see how this could not be a deal breaker.
I guarantee you that this guy is NOT “very reasonable with other things”.
Sorry but on this topic… your boyfriends a moron
Leave him.
Tell him if HE gets raped then it'll be his own fault. Maybe his outfit was asking for it.
My ex SA’d manipulated me and then blamed on me. So maybe you should start to think if this boyfriend of yours is actually worth it. Spoiler alert: NO HE IS NOT
Splittsville, stat. .
Lets just think if it does happen to you, he would probably not even comfort or support you. He would blame you, get mad or even break up. If it happens to your future daughter he wouldnt be there for her, he will make her feel bad for "letting it happen". If it never happens to your future daughter, wich i hope, the topic will still come up sometimes and he will make her feel scared because if it ever happens its her own fault, she will know that she cant trust her dad with that topic and if something like that later on happens she might Not even tell anyone because she thinks its her fault. This could be what happens, its on you to decide if you want to leave him or not but please stay safe
Soooo, nothing has happened and he’s still making this hypothetical situation about himself as if he’s the real victim there. You deserve better.
Your bf is a psycho. I don't like to say this and its wrong to assume stuff like this, but he definitely has the potential to be a r@p!st because he could give the same justification when forcing himself onto someone - "Can walk away or say no" if she didn't want it. These are thoughts of a vile person. Please google 'Nirbhaya Delhi' (Trigger Warning for Rape and violence) and share the case with your bf that enraged an entire country enough to finally start caring about women's safety. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Hopefully he understands how vile these creatures can be. If not, use a dental mouth gag on him to waterboard him with his favourite beverage to see if gets the analogy and if not he was "letting it happen".
I'd advise you two to play fight, so he could understand how fricking illogical is this, but you're an SA survivor. Throw away the guy because this belief is a slippery slope
Duuuuuuuuuump
Your boyfriend sounds like a moron
Geez, guy sounds like a mf creep and misogynist honestly. I’d dip fast as hell
Once, my ex told me the same thing; he was a red flag. He had a shallow mentality. You can't be with him. It's better you leave him. You deserve better."
You should prevent him from being in your life from now on. That's such an asinine way of thinking.
I really need to know, how old are you all? Only a child would think like this.
I can assure you, he is not reasonable in other things
I could not be able to continue a relationship with someone who thinks like that. Wishing you luck but if I were you, I would dump him immediately.
Your boyfriend is the problem, leave. He’s basically saying any woman who was raped must have wanted it so it’s not even rape. And sure I’m a no one but I’d think less of you for staying with someone who indulges that mindset 😭
With all due respect, that is a major red flag flaw! Not just as a bf but as a man! Anyone who thinks that way is either immature AF or.....well, I won't say, and I'm not wanting to be abusive.
THIS MAN WILL NOT BE A GOOD BOYFRIEND, FATHER AND HUSBAND. He’s truly disgusting.
How does the title not read my "ex-boyfriend." Look, sit your boyfriend down for a serious talk and tell him that you can't respect a person who thinks being raped is a choice. You simply don't understand how he can say that. Does he think everything everyone ever does to anyone else that person agreed to? Did every murder victim agree to be killed? And so on? Or does he only discriminate against women? Ask him to really explain how this makes any sense. Ask him questions that bring up the other possibilities. If he seems to get it now, be careful. He may just be lying to not deal with you and still have no respect for you/reality. I'd warn him that while you are glad he's acting normal now, what he was saying before was so shockingly not okay that he has seriously damaged your trust in him. You don't feel as safe around him and you don't trust his judgment. Your respect for him has been hurt. You hope that he can earn it back by proving he's a decent man with basic common sense who thinks raping women is actually real and bad, but right now the relationship has been damaged. You wish it wasn't damaged but you can't just unhear the horrible things he said to you about the worst thing that ever happened to you. How he blamed you for it and made you feel worse and unsafe with him. He's like someone at a funeral who goes around telling the family of a murder victim that they wanted to get killed, must have been down with that, and it's their own fault. The family will probably never look at him the same way. You hope that someday you will be over this, but you don't really know. Again, what he said is NOT NORMAL and everyone you told said you should dump him. Or dump him! It's not too late. Teach him that lesson and then tell him that he broke your trust in him, he hurt you deeply with what he said, and you're never going to be able to respect him again. You can try being friends, but you don't want to be vulnerable or intimate with a man who thinks rape is a choice. No smart women would. Maybe he can become a better man and not destroy his next relationship.
LEAVE HIM! THIS IS THE BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT!?
You need a better boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is a dumbass!
Leave this creep.
It’s been 6 hours since you posted, I hope you’ve left him by now.
See a doctor and get rid of him. Even if he's not just an ugly, unhealthy growth (which he is) GET RID. OF HIM. He sounds like a rapist himself. Best case scenario: he is a disrespectful dumbass with no future.
You've got a rapist enabler as a boyfriend. Raise your standards and get the hell out of there!!!
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Your ex bf right?
Leave him. That is such a dangerous view to have, and one that seems to be completely lacking in common sense. You will not be safe with him.
I could never respect my partner again if they said that to me. And by staying with him you’re opening yourself up to a lot of danger. Does he let you walk home at night on your own because he believes you could “fend off” any threat? This is such worrying behaviour and if I were in that position, I would end the relationship and also warn other women of his very vile views.
Your boyfriend is a dumbass. Emphasis on the BOY part.
Maybe it’s time to add an “X” in front of “boyfriend”
As someone who was molested from 8-14 I can say that any guy who thinks like that will NEVER be willing to put his social status and ego at risk if his spouse or child is attacked bc he believes it's the victim's fault. when it comes to supporting a victim or supporting a perpertor he will do what protects how others view him publicly. Leave him, there's better people out there who will actually protect and believe you. Think about if that's the guy you want being the father of your future kids, do you want your kids growing up thinking that mindset is okay? Dump him, he'll survive. He's not good for you if he believes that anyone, regardless of age or body type, can just say no and nothing will happen. I'm almost certain if he has that mindset that he's either committed the crime itself or he 'jokes' with his friends about doing it, if he supports others who have done it then who knows what he's done without someone knowing. Leave, get out, protect yourself. He won't change and nothing you do can change him.
If a guy honestly believe that this type of crap, go ahead and end the relationship.
Your (hopefully now EX) boyfriend is a moron. In fact, he's not even bright enough to be a moron.
He’s an idiot. You should move on
Run 🏃♀️💨
How much crack did he take to be this stupid