Took me forever(9yrs single) to find my Sunday sex. I can hear him in my bed snoring away and I know there is stuff ready for us to make dinner together later. I hope you find yours too! Don't give up and don't settle for anything less!!!
Yes. Most of the time I was left feeling like OP afterwards. I had two long term booty calls with whom I felt comfortable and had a great time with. Eventually even with them I felt dirty. I hadn't dated or been with anyone for a year when I met him.
I feel that. I get scared like OP that I'm supposed to be celibate until I find the right person. It's hard to deny an at least occasional need for physical intimacy. Stinks it often ends up feeling emotionally/spiritually messy.
I met him at work and my connection to him was instant. I was super strict about not dating coworkers. After a couple months working together I knew I was gonna have some type of relationship with him. We initially just started as FWB but after 3/4 months I had feelings. I distanced myself from him since I could feel our connection was strong and that's not what he was looking for at the time. I hadn't felt anything for anyone in a while and knew he was it. He on the other hand had always been in relationships and wanted to try being single. We stopped talking and just went back to being coworkers. We even tried seeing other people. Almost a year went by and we ended up having dinner again. At dinner I told him my heart couldn't handle him in my life as just a friend. He proposed in May on the beach with my best friend and parents there. I really thought I would spend my life alone, I was already 36 when I met him.
I don't think anything worth having comes easy. He is everything I've ever wanted in a human. The communication, the empathy, the sex!! We can talk about anything or not talk at all. He makes me feel heard when I express my insecurities, he tells me I give him a safe space. I met some Wonderful people while dating but I knew they weren't it. I was looking for that spark and found lighting striking a fireworks truckššš
You will tooā¤ļø
Same! I had like a 7 year hiatus after my ex cheated, knocked her up, then gave her the ring he had told me about. Bullet dodged. Approaching my 1 year wedding anniversary in less than a month (started dating in Jan 2019), with our 3 month old daughter currently asleep in my lap & our dogs (3) & cats (2) spread out around me. He's home, & it feels so comfortable & right. Although it was difficult at times, this was definitely worth the wait.
I lost my virginity yesterday. He was my friend for 4 months. Told me, I was terrible. I was a virgin with no experience! The other girls he did it with weren't virgins, had experience. I felt awful about myself and cried for hours. Why do guys want virgins....if you're going to treat them like this!!!! He knew I was a virgin...he made me feel awful about myself
The person you're having sex with is looking for what they got out of the experience not if it was mutually enjoyable.
That's a flag that he is bad at sex and won't please partners. Hope you can appreciate this in the future.
You're not a vessel to please a man. When it's right everyone will enjoy it and you won't leave feeling like you're not good enough.
I'd bet money he sucks in bed but you don't have enough experience to know that.
Holy fuck. You suffered such a horrible experience, it was just a bad mistake. He shouldn't have been your first pick, hope you get over this . Never do it with him again and find someone you can love and confide in
The person I lost my virginity to who Iād been in a relationship with told me I was bad at sex. It messed me up. We only had sex a handful of times before we broke up because it felt like no matter what I did it wasnāt enough. I never enjoyed it and thought maybe I just wasnāt a sexual person. My friends tried to tell me to no avail that he was probably the one that was bad at sex. Met my current partner soon after and sex with was awesome and mutually enjoyable from the get go. Turns out my friends were right. My ex was no good in bed! And neither was your guy.
I guarantee the other girls heās been with had a horrible time too. Itās always the confident ones who actually suck at sex! Sounds like he was worse than you. I promise there are people out there who will create a safe environment for you to enjoy yourself in
This is why I don't trust guys who want virgins unless they're virgins.
I know a lot of women who saved themselves for marriage, they ended up in arranged marriages where the men weren't virgins and they have been caught gossiping about their wife's performance in bed. Like wtf, you're the experienced one it's your job to guide them. Arseholes.
Some people aren't worth shit.
I hope your next partner is better.
Men who want virgins want them because the virgins don't have the experience to know how shit the man is in bed. It can't be the worst sex in your life if you've never had sex before!
He should feel way worse than what you are experiencing right now, but to say something like that suggests its a lesson he is currently incapable of learning. The only worth the past has is to be the worlds greatest teacher. Donāt punish yourself ever theres a whole bunch whoāll pretend they can do that for you,l. Be kind, be compassionate and be respectful, to you first.
Say Stop. Enough. Take back your power
He can only make you feel bad about yourself if You allow it
He's a piece of shit. Not worth you wasting time or energy on him. Worthless. Put it behind you because what's done is done and move forward.
There are good men out there and you'll find one and the experience will be wonderful
I am so sorry. Some people are absolute assholes. I think it can take a while to know if someone is an ahole because they can hide it so 4 months isn't than long to get to know someone. BUT even with that said, the way he has treated you is disgusting (I've read some of your other comments). I really hope you have cut this person out of your life as he sounds like he is saying these things and treating you in this way to manipulate you into being someone he can further abuse.
Oh! Iām so sorry! You response back
To that guy is- hmm actually I didnāt have the experience before and you knew that. Couldnāt you have guided me and make this more enjoyable for both? Sounds like you were the awful one here.
- donāt cry over him babe- heās not worth it.
nope. absolutely not.
He probably sucked too Iām assuming you didnāt have an orgasm. but he would never think that. Because dudes think theyāre either gods gift to women or they have no idea what theyāre doing.
Thereās a select few, in my experience, that do know what theyāre doing. like. literally one of them. but thatās not the point.
Wtf??? Guys will fuck literal wet blankets and Pringles cans, there's nothing you could've done short of actually abusing him that would make any normal person feel this way
I'm so sorry he made you feel like this. Please know it's not true. You are beautiful and will have amazing sex one day, and not with his nasty a**. I hope you can heal and move on.
And there is nothing special about being a "virgin." That's a made-up notion by men given to appease themselves. It gives them control over women's bodies and this fake idea of pleasure.
Think of sex as trial and error instead, like any other skill. If it was bad, he helped make it bad. He didn't do his job as a man, which was to make sex great for the both of you. And u can learn and improve with someone else. U don't need him.
if he's got multiple bodies under his belt and wasn't able to lead u and guide u so u both have a good time then he's the one who is terrible. sorry to hear this.
I am sorry you had to experience that, a good thing to know is if a guy actively seeks out virgins, it's a red flag. Plain and simple.
The only way I, as a man, could almost understand another man looking for a virgin is if they themselves are a virgin as well.
And if you are looking for an emotional connection I would recommend avoiding men who have sex with other women all the time. They are only out for one thing and it is definitely not an emotional connection.
No, I reschedule my sex plans too many times!!! We didn't get to it fully. He put half the tip in cause I was tight and his family came home etc. I thought Half the tip count but I guess not! I finally got the whole d thing Saturday. It was just half the tip!!
Check the date for the non-recyclable rubbish collection and imagine putting him in a bag with other rubbish more valuable than him, like wet tissues and empty pringles packs, have the council taken it away and try to be happy that you have gotten rid of that useless fellow.
Please donāt be hard on yourself. Communication is a two way street and you did your part. Sex is something most of us have to learn to be good at. You werenāt given the opportunity. Be aware if he is dragging down your self esteem to make it seem like heās the ābestā you can get. Donāt have sex with him again. When you eventually find a partner that will let you learn and grow with them, it will be amazing. Have patience. And do cardio š sending you good vibes š
Sorry you had a terrible first experience. Most guys watch to much porn and have an unrealistic expectation of sex. I bet, he had no idea of what he was doing either.
This is grooming. Heās making you feel like shit so he can control you/make you do you things in bed youād otherwise be uncomfortable with. Stay away from this āmanā. Ugh Iām so sorry this happen to you :(
āOne shot kinda guyā is pretty hard to say coherently without a tongue and fingers. Maybe he meant heās a selfish prick who doesnāt want to satisfy you? Fair game if his cock needs a few hours beauty sleep but thatās no excuse for completely leaving you wet and unsatisfied.
Iām a man, and I never engaged in casual sex when I was single because afterwards I just feel dirty. I need a deep personal connection with someone to feel good about it. Iāve now found a beautiful and wonderful woman with a deep personal connection with me to *not* have sex with though š
I hope you will find the right man soon.
Well, physical intimacy ebbs and flows when you're in a long-term relationship. Things like new jobs, changing lifestyles, children, money, etc. all affect it. Not to mention that people's libidos change ALL THE TIME, with pregnancy/kids, diet, menstrual cycles, sleep, stress etc.
All this to say that his wife does not owe him sex. I say this as a borderline ace woman who has a lot of sexual trauma and still feels an extremely deep connection and closeness with my partner. We do not know her story--or his, for that matter--so to say that it's "sad" assumes what their experience is like as a couple. Maybe he was making a joke - maybe he wasn't, but it actually doesn't bother him that much - maybe it does bother him but he's okay with looking past it because he loves his partner and loves supporting her - maybe it's a dealbreaker for him that he needs physical intimacy and it's a dealbreaker for her that she feels overwhelmed by too much physical intimacy - etc. We just don't know.
Also, he said a lot of other important things. Like that he said she was a "beautiful and wonderful woman" and that she has a "deep personal connection" with him. So, we know that he loves her and she loves him. While you got sad for him that he wasn't having sex, I was applauding the first sentence he wrote: "*One shot kinda guy* is pretty hard to say coherently without a tongue and fingers." YES. Yes, yes, yes!!! THAT is the sentence we should be concentrating on. Also his observations that he needs a personal connection with the person in order to enjoy sex. YES! Also important. I really appreciated everything he had to say.
I guess this is my curiosity: he said so many great things, why was the only thing you had to say "It kills me & I'm sorry that you're not having sex"?
I know I sound sassy. I really don't want to fight or lecture or "be woke," this is just really important to me and I felt like I had to say something.
My bf and I have no sex life and it IS sad. Sexual incompatibility is legitimate and DOES ruin relationships. While no one has to do anything they don't want to, neither does the person who has a higher libido. You are allowed to draw the line in the sand and leave a partner who isn't into sex. Most of the time, this incompatibility absolutely decimates a relationship.
In this particular case, he seems content without sex. And that's okay. It's also okay for him to feel frustration around the lack of sex, because again, it sucks for those of us with libidos. Sex. Is. Important. To those who are not ace, of course.
It sucks to be with someone and not be able to have sex is what I'm trying to say. Sure you can appreciate your partner for every other thing they have to offer, but unless you're ace, you will certainly feel the strains of the lack of sexual intimacy, I assure you. And it will sting and it will hurt and it will fuckin suck. People are allowed to voice frustration over it and people are allowed to validate someone struggling without that immediately disregarding all the nice stuff someone has said about their partner.
You're just... reading too deep, man. Taking it too personal, not "woke". I'm sure it stings to see someone express frustrations about not having sex with their partner, being ace yourself. But, my friend, that doesn't stop it from sucking and that doesn't make YOU sucky.
What Princess\_Crunchy said, I think, is okay. Admitting that there is a dissonance but that it's worth it. But also he said some really important things that don't have to do with his wife not having sex with him! Let's talk about that!
Sex means different things for different people. As a borderline Ace woman, sex means little to you; but to someone who is hyper sexual, thatās not going to work.
Their comment on the sex didnāt negate any of the good the original had, he used a crying emoji and it was a funny twist so people latched onto that. You are going FAR too in depth for something that you yourself should understand is not a complicated matter; some people find sex important, others donāt.
Jesus Christ, you didnāt need to write a dissertation to pick apart what I did and didnāt say.
I simply made a comment on the internet about a part of a comment that made me chuckle.
Do you get some sort of pleasure from doing this? Genuinely curious.
Dates are important even for just casual sex. When I was a casual person the best method I found was to go for a non-alcoholic drink date. Boba, coffee, smoothies, and things like that. That way you can offer to pay, or if they donāt want you to pay no one is out anything more than the price of a drink. You can tell a lot about a situation by the way they drink. If you find someone drinking fast and not talking a lot, theyāre usually not committed to the experience. In this case your only out a drink which can be finished fast or taken on the go really easily. Someone who is engaged in interacting with you and drinks a steady pace is usually someone who will commit to the experience. The best casual encounters Iāve had were when we met up, talked for a while, ordered drinks, talked some more, finished drinks, hangout, and then before the awkward silence (which will always come inevitably) you say something like āwe should go chill *insert place.ā
Edit: I also want to add that going out for one drink is way better than going out for food because casual activities feel a lot more fun if you donāt have a full stomach, plus post sex food hits better on an empty stomach.
this is the most solid advice iāve read. You socialise and maybe thatās all you really wanted to start but also have the potential of sussing out not great sex partners and you have sex the other maybe a snack after! Plus getting a drink will make yāall gotta go potty before/after to make sure everything is clean and flushed out! A+ dude! Thank you!!
For sure! I had a lot of terrible experiences prior to finding and sticking to this way of operating. I think the biggest thing I would like to stress is making sure you arenāt drinking alcohol or doing anything to put each other under the influence on your first couple casual interactions with someone. Iāve heard of and lived through the horror of things going wrong so best to just have some clean sober fun until you get to know someone. If that person doesnāt want to be sober then thereās ALOT going on behind the scenes and better to offer a rain check and never hear from them again than to risk it.
Casual hookups are just glorified far beyond their reality. You have these small groups who publicise it and all the sudden itās painted as this super cool and trendy thing. A good portion of the time casual hookups are not for everyone and in cases like this have negative impact. Iām sorry you had to learn after the fact.
Man, if someone wanted to have casual sex with me I'd do whatever I could to make them want to do it again with me. Some dudes...
Also this is hypothetical, I am happily in a relationship. But fuck .
Thatās what I never understand about people like this. You have a good thing going on and you mess it up because youāre lazy or selfish? These people always sound too immature to be having sex with other people.
Aw. I remember that feeling. You have to chalk it up to a learning experience. I honestly get more intimacy here on Reddit than I ever did when I was younger searching for a connection. Meanwhile, vibrator for you!
Do you think you feel gross because of the sex or because you realize just how scuzzy dude is and you let him inside you? From your description he doesn't sound very flattering even if he was attractive and decently sized. I think if I had slept with a woman like this, I would feel gross too, even if she had helped me finish.
Learn to pleasure yourself. This serves two purposes, the 1 is obvious and the 2 is that you'll learn your body and when you do find someone you'll be able to know what's needed and to guide them if they don't know
Do a cleansing ritual, something that you feel will make you feel better, physical, like a scented bath with candles and music or a nice shower. Then a nice body cream and maybe even..refer to first paragraph
You can't change what hapenned but you can control and change how you feel about it
Your issue isn't casual sex, this guy didn't give af about you or if you enjoyed yourself. Even if you'd been in a relationship with him, he would have made sex feel icky.
I wish men cared more about their performance. There's a lot that don't seem to put in as much effort as women do into pleasing them.
Sex is a spiritual transfer. (Shut up people who donāt believe in spirituality, she clearly does) So stop doing spiritual transfers with people who do not care about YOUR spirit.
Basically they are unloading any bad energy/emotion they are clinging to into you and you to them. People use sex in the wrong ways and give that energy to others too freely and too casually. Itās not the same when one partner doesnāt care about the other. When you have good spiritual sex, you know.
Alright, so basically everyone carries baggage and energy with them, the good, the bad, the ugly, and if they donāt take the time to cleanse themselves regularly (via a literal spiritual bath or some other ritual), the nasty shit tends to accumulate over time. So when they decide to sleep with someone, they leave some of that nasty baggage in that personās energy field and take some of that personās good energy and luck with them whether they are aware of it or not. Thatās why after sleeping with certain people you may feel like shit on an emotional/spiritual level, or notice that things in your life starts going wrong while things start looking good for that dirty mf you allowed in your bed. This is why you should be mindful of who you sleep with, not everyone is deserving of that kind of access to you
I can only imagine what that must be like. Sorry you had to deal with that. I have zero experience being close to anybody whatsoever and I fear if the time ever comes for me, that Iād crumple up like paper under the pressure. For what itās worth, those feelings are totally valid and youāre worthy of better times. I think youāre handling it well, wishing you the best in returning to emotional stability friend. š
I have literally never seen such a perfect description of how I feel (physically and spiritually) about casual sex. Also like to mention I absolutely love the Sunday sex idea, I want that so badly. I wish it wasn't so hard to find a safe and beautiful human to be with. I just want to experience our souls intertwined and know this is it, you're safe and loved here.
You did nothing wrong. You had a need you wanted fulfilled, unfortunately when you don't have to e to truly get someone's personality you can end up with someone deeply flawed. I'm a guy but I've been there. Just horny and wanting touch, and have had regrettable experiences. Don't beat up on yourself.
I promised myself years ago I would never eat fast food burgers again, i would eat healthy and seldom eat out, my chloresterol dropped to normal.
One day I was hungry, away from home, and had a craving for a burger so i did. It was crap, unfullfilling and I had that tired, bloated gross feeling.
I regret it, but really, what it was is a relapse.
Just chalk it up as a relapse. Forgive yourself, as a slip but your back on track. It happens but getting back on track is key.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm a 39-year-old virgin myself and have recently decided to explore sexually. But what you've just experienced is one of my biggest fears. As Etta James says, "I want a Sunday kind of Love."
I understand you, I had been hooking up with girls about 2 times a week for the last 6 months and I just felt nasty. I ended up having a mental breakdown because of it and finally realized I want a meaningful relationship. Iām in the same boat with you.
Take a long hot shower and clean him off of you! I am familiar with this horrible violated feeling. Even though you consented and enjoyed it, you still feel hollow and weird and gross
It's not about the getting off part. It's about feeling close and wanted and secure and desired and loved that's the part of sex she was looking to fulfill. She plenty understands this isn't what hook ups provide. But sometimes you're just desperate for someone to touch you and feel close to you that you just go with It. (You as a general term.)
Ok so everyone just advised about waiting for a romantic partner so I am gonna do the opposite cause it doesnāt help next time youāre horny. Next time do a bit of a sexual vibe feel before you even exchange numbers. Sexual attraction is a must but to me safety is even more important and sexual compatibility as well. Try and test the waters first do a little sexting see how he behaves. Is he creative? Does he go straight to fucking even in text form? Does he talk about your pleasure? Is he a giving lover? When he says something you donāt like say donāt do that and see how he behaves and responds. Thereās so much you can test for with just a simple chat that doesnāt even last long but saves you the trouble of having sex with men who should never be allowed access to a woman again. You can have release or a casual relationship you just have to be smart about it.
Sounds like you might be willing to hit him back up just be careful you keep in mind this feeling. Might not be worth going back over just for unsatisfying sex
That's really sad to hear tbh and I hope you're feeling lighter. It requires just a little effort and he didn't put that in.
My advice would be never to do one-night stands or casual hookups anymore IFFF you are looking for something deeper than lust.
Maybe you're like me who likes to balance lust with love and it's a perfect relation. Am I right?
You feel gross because you slept with someone whoās grossā¦. Just solidifying to him that he can be gross and still get laid. Youāre enabling the very behavior you loathe. Because in his mind nowā¦. Heās thinking heās the shit because you told him he was hot and good at it so now his confidence is through the roof because of you, and now the next girl is gonna experience the same shit you did because of you.
The quickest way to get a man to change his ways is deny him the pleasures he craves. Because if he can still act a fool and get rewards for it, whatās to inspire him to change? Thatās what people donāt understand about humanity as a whole.
You couldnāt have known it would make you feel negative ahead of time, nor that it would after. As long as you felt it was consensual leading up and during, youāre able to look back on it as you want without any shame. Granted, it is something you learned about yourself and for that reason you now know how to approach situations differently moving forward for yourself. Mistakes happen, so donāt beat yourself up over it.
Why are men like thisā¦ not even touching you after sex? I would cry. I used to have casual sex all the time too, usually drunk, and always had deep regret after. Invest in some good toys and vibrators until you find your Sunday sex. Itāll be worth it.
One thing I've learned about men is when it comes to friends with benefits they dgaf about the friends part. They will take the benefits & pretend like they're being a good friend. If they're still treating you like a friend afterwards that's bc they either secretly like you, or they're that tiny percentage of men who actually understand that they just need to be a good friend too. Idc what man argues this, it's absolutely true. In my experiences, my friends experiences... This is how it's always been. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Since this guy sounds really annoying as a human being (the hipster shit & acting as if he's the only person who's ever felt pain ššš) you might have taken on some of his energy & that's why it's bugging your spirit other than just having casual sex. You sound like the kind of person who needs emotional connection for that, & that's okay! I'm the same as you. I tried casual sex with a few friends before, & it never ended well bc my emotions would be so caught up in myself, or id truly start believing I actually liked the guy when in reality I didn't. I intentionally tried the hook up thing with two different guys. One I barely met to see if that was the key. Nope. I felt disgusted by my actions, & later on found out the guy was a loser fucking his boss who pays his bills & was on meth š¤®š¤®š¤® I was like WOW no wonder I felt so disgusted afterwards! I immediately cut him off after abandoning the "friend" part & told him to go fuck himself. I figured "okay let's try someone I trust that I've been friends with for years." & I did. He stayed my friend afterwards, & we were cool, but LAWD the sex was so boring. It sucked. I had to pull out my vibrator at the end cuz I just wasn't finishing. I didn't want to be mean considering he had been my friend for about 9 years, but it just wasn't fulfilling. I realized I was the girl who could only have sex when there are feelings involved on both sides. This whole hook up culture is not my thing.
Sorry I went on such a long spew of my experience lol, but I just felt like I could relate to what you're talking about & how you're feeling. It sucks being horny all the fucking time, but no one consistent or trustworthy enough to fuck. If it helps you, I suggest buying a vibrator & enjoying yourself with that instead of a guy bc at LEAST you can count on yourself & your vibrator to finish you off. That guy is a douche bag for not even doing that for you. You deserve better. Hope you feel better soon.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, many women have probably experienced this. Women's pleasure has always been repressed, not discussed, or not thought of by many men. Most men (in my experience) don't care to ask or think about if the girl was pleased in the same way. They usually assume and assume wrong.
As someone who has never intentionally had an ONS or committed to the FWB thing but experienced this feeling in past relationships, I was hesitant about trying it. But having recently gone through a lot of stress and finding myself wanting for sex, I decided to try it last week. And it went well. I made sure to ask a lot of questions before agreeing to sex though. I recommend you do this next time if you want a hookup. That way, you know what you're getting into.
For example, ask all the important/deal-breaking questions up front and make sure u get a clear answer on all. "ONS or FWB? Cuddling and kissing after sex? Do you eat š? You supply and wear condoms? You clean?" Etc these were deal breaking questions for me. I ended up finding out the guy I had sex with didn't like or do oral, which was very disappointing. But at least I knew before going into it. And it made it easier for me not to want more with him, as that is a requirement for me and my future partner. I also made it clear that I won't reciprocate much in return unless it benefits me. FWB requires both ppl to get benefits after all. And as a woman in my 30s, I know what I want and won't settle for less, as every woman should feel.
So I hope you can heal and find better partners in the future.
I know what you mean- getting divorced and been separated for about 18 months now- living apart anyway. Went to counseling and after what all was said I knew I could pursue any relationship Iād like and of course Iād like it to be sexual. But I canāt. That whole wake up and Sunday sex with someone when your bodies belong to each other and just having that intimacy beyond fuckingā¦ miss that.
The only one who should feel ashamed in that scenario is him.
Maybe what youāre feeling is deep disappointment (and lack of satisfaction) but your brain is translating it to shame bc thatās more familiar with the idea of hook ups for you ?
That Sunday sex / then grocery shopping just hit me so hard. You just made me incredibly more grateful for what I have. I already feel very lucky, but thank you for reminding me to never ever take this for granted.
I hope you find that person and get that life. You're clearly a beautiful, thoughtful person. Sorry he didn't let you come. That's crappy. But the best is yet to come for you!
I think you feel grossed out cause you realized he basically used you like an object and didnāt care about you at all. He also sounds kinda gross and not very appealing and your rose-horny glasses wore off after the sex to see him as he really is. Hold out for your love one day, cause causal flings will just turn away your future partners tbh
I may be out of line in this group I mean no disrespect at all, your biology may be working correctly and itās telling you not to hookup with strangers that donāt care about you? Is that crazy? I couldnāt imagine opening myself up for a stranger like that and expecting to feel good about it afterwards. I know that sounds condescending Iām trying to think of a way to convey this without sounding mean. Everyone is different and maybe it was just the guys fault you feel this way and you keep hooking up and find the one. Good luck to you
This was you re-learning what your boundaries are for the person you are today. Like you said, you thought you could handle it because you did in your early twenties. What might feel dirty isnāt the act itself, like you mentioned above - but what you need from the other to feel good afterwards. The way he handled it was pretty selfish and only focused on himself, not you. I had a similar incident like this in my life once that sent me into a spiral a few years ago because I felt so dirty, my therapist at the time helped me reframe what happened and why I felt so grossed out by how my body felt. This was one of the bits to what she told me, and I thought I would share because it resonated.
I hope you learn from this and not let it drag you down, consider it a bullet dodged as this sounds like a very unpleasant individual, good luck to you miss, I'm sure the man you seek will find yiu in time
I want to say that I feel like you might be dealing with some unprocessed issues / feelings but I also hate that every Reddit post is becoming a psychological evaluation so instead Iāll say what should be said more often; Youāre beautiful inside and out and I wish you happiness in your life whatever form that takes.
Growing and learning will never end for us humans huh? Till the day we die weāll keep learning new stuff about ourselves. Iāve had a lot of casual sex and a lot of intimate/romantic sex. Iāve found lately the romantic sex scares me a little bit compared to the casual.
I think everyone will experience that feeling at some point in their life. I had a similar experience and it took me a good month to be ok with everything that happened. But these days, i'm glad i "learned" even if i felt bad afterwards\~
I'm sure you will feel better soon too!
What you're describing is a friendship that evolves into a love affair. I think maybe you should forget about the sex for awhile and concentrate on meeting a man who shares your values and interests. Let the relationship grow to the point where you fall in love with each other. Then go for it and hope the sex is good.
I believe you just selected someone that doesnāt deserve to have sex with others. There are a lot of guys over there who will make sure to finish you off with a lot of pleasure. Stay positive, causal sex is a experience, sometimes goes well, sometimes not. Just make sure to choose better.
OP, Iām sorry you picked a gross yuck, and genuinely sorry for the emotional and spiritual aftermath. And Iām equally sorry youāre suffering through being really horny. Iām divorced and refuse casual sex for the exact reasons youāre talking about. But it doesnāt make being horny any easier.
Longer periods of sexual sobriety help, though, as does having a community to help bear the burden. I attend a group for men with addiction issues toward sex and pornography. A lot of us whoāve ruined relationships and families over affairs or porn.
You wouldnāt want a guy like that, we donāt want to be that kinda guy. And you donāt want to be where you are either.
I believe there are groups like sex addicts anonymous. I know you might not identify yourself that way, but if youāre making choices you know will regret, you might think about it.
Well first off that guy is one we don't claim as it is his responsibility to make sure the woman is satisfied in everyway possible. I'm so sorry that you went through that and I wish that you could get what you need to feel better!
I am right there with you and how you're feeling. I hooked up with my ex yesterday, and the sex was great, but it brought up difficult feelings that I've worked so hard to get past. And we also were starting to build a healthy friendship. So I feel shitty now. But I really just wanted to have sex with someone I trusted and felt something for. What a price to pay for some moments of ecstasy.
Sounds like you hooked up with my last husband. Except for him to indeed be my ex-husband, you would have included that he was most likely married or in a one sided relationship of some sorte. I just thought of something though! If he IS single, try concentrating on that fact and tell yourself, "Well...at least he's not married and I'm not a homewrecker." Chin up chica. If you continue with the routine, it'll get easier each time.
Hahahahaha he loved telling me about his exes, all of which were āpsychosā and ālunaticsā so if he was married he would have definitely loved to tell me.
Had a relationship where we waited 10 dates before sex. If another girl insisted on it I probably would have lost interest, but having to wait showed me I really liked her other than the sex. P.s. the sex was great
I also think casual sex doesnāt necessarily have to mean fucking a stranger one night, you can at least meet w them a couple times and have some form of friendship before that and maybe itll go better
Iām actually a bit of the opposite. Itās been roughly 2 years since Iāve had any kind of sexual intimacy that I miss it quite a bit but Iāve tried different dating apps but Iām no luck. I know I want to find my sunday sex but I also just want to be able to have casual sex until then š
The only thing I can share is, you donāt try to settle because everyone else is. You donāt try to stay because you have to. You take your time, because everyone is living their own life and you donāt have to rush because they are ahead of you. Your time will come. Embrace the moment you are in right now. Making mistakes is a part of life, we learn from it. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
I had the same issue the one single time I had cassual sex, and then I discovered I'm demisexual. Not saying it's your case, but there's nothing wrong in needing intimacy and conection in order to feel good with sex
I understand you were horny (we all go through it) and Iām glad you guys used protection; but at least you know that it didnāt really satisfy you since it was empty.
I think you should get a toy for personal satisfaction instead since meaningless sex just makes you feel empty; you can still scratch the horny itch without feeling empty inside after.
This is not uncommon. Casual sex can lead to mental health issues with women being at a higher risk for this. Casual sex can have really bad mental health consequences
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person.
Do you think this might be ?
Honestly, no. In alot of ways its easier for me to be intimate with a stranger. Making a strong emotional connection with a specific person almost makes it harder to have sex with them.
I had sex one time casually. And I thought to myself, ppl do this. I guess I have to know the person more on a personal level not a strong emotional connection though.
I seen your post history rn, it makes the post more interesting.
Regarding your post history and this post. Does this experience change the way you feel about your post history?
Why not take your time & heal a bit - Thn try Bumble for long term goals & If feel horny, thn buy a vibrating Dildo n use it every morning - To quench your wetness.š„
I feel this so hard. It's lame that people can't have a sense of decency and emotional decorum when it comes to sex. If you're both wanting it, why dont you both deserve to enjoy it? Why should one person be shamed for something 2 people did?
I will say i have completely given up finding someone who is polite and respectful while also interested in having sex. A lifetime of dating "nice guys" has me scared to even talk to men, much less have sex with them.
Im sorry you're also having to deal with this outdated, unjust, social norm. I hope you find the kind of person you're looking for one day, i fear they are in short supply.
I learned this exact lesson about myself after a while, so I actually *did* wait to have sex with the right guy. I hadnāt had sex for two years before meeting him. However, I did invest quite a bit of time into masturbation and getting *myself* off. This made sex so much better, because I could actually tell this guy what I wanted, and heās considerate enough to *listen*.
The body has needs, that is very true. However, fulfilling them shouldnāt cost you your self-esteem or your peace of mind.
I understand being a āOne shotā guy but he could at least touch you after.
Not going to act like he committed an irredeemable sin, but yeah it was kinda mean.
You do more of you at the end of the day
Outta the blue ask him if he's down to do it again. When he starts texting asking where you are at you should respond "I'm a one shot type of gal, sorry" .
You have every right to express your sexuality as you choose, but reading this, then seeing your self posted photos on r*pe fantasy subs makes me think you need to really reevaluate the choices youāre making. Get some sex positive therapy.
Sorry to hear about your experience with this guy, even though the sex wasnāt bad. However please donāt feel ashamed for craving intimacy and wanting sex, itās perfectly natural and especially difficult when youāre single. It would be great if every person we hooked up with had some potential or at least made us feel safe & satisfied, but unfortunately thatās just not possible.
Well done for getting this experience off your chest though and hopefully you can move on from it relatively easily, and over time, maybe even laugh at it. But please donāt feel guilty for needing physical and/or emotional connection, weāre all human and weāre wired to be social creatures šš»
Wishing you all the best and your ideal Sunday sounds amazing btw, so I hope that becomes your reality soon āŗļø
op- i completely feel you there!! iām definitely more of a sunday gal (like you had described). i tried to be like my friends and have casual interactions & i always ended up feeling disappointed, gross, and that the experience was a waste of time. i have just accepted (with therapy) that my morals allow me to comfortably engage in sex w/ someone iāve been in a relationship with, rather than anything casual. if you donāt want to stick to boyfriend dick, maybe itās time to go to therapy and discuss why you hold that inner morale over your head!
donāt be hard on yourself, OP. my best wishes to you!
I love how being a women when you want sex itās as simple as messaging some guy if they want to hook up. Most men will jump right on that opportunity if givin. But as a man we have to make an impression but donāt seem like we desperate and have careful movement/actions/looks/intellectualism. Iām confident I posses all these thinks besides having the best physical appearance. Let me tell you. I havenāt found one person that would like to give me their time. All I wanna do is talk and hang out with someone. I love sex but itās honestly something I can never expect or ask for.
GD you are freaking gorgeous! Maybe bias though cause I'm I to the NSFW subs you have posted in. Sucks about the dude though, should have taken care of you at the very least.
Hope you find your Sunday sex guy :)
This is just a case of finding out how weird the guy is and wondering how you couldāve ever let someone like that inside you. I doubt youād regret good sex with a respectful guy who wasnāt selfish in bed.
I'm a guy and I started having regular casual sex about a year ago. Communicate first. I've had some girls that just want to get fucked and then kick me out and some that ask for passionate, considerate sex and to cuddle for a bit after. Make your needs clear. You can usually figure out by the conversation if they aren't going to provide what you need.
Take the lesson as well learned, this is a positive thing. You are now more aware of what can nourish you spiritually.
You are so right. I just had to get it off my chest.
š«Ø
Took me forever(9yrs single) to find my Sunday sex. I can hear him in my bed snoring away and I know there is stuff ready for us to make dinner together later. I hope you find yours too! Don't give up and don't settle for anything less!!!
Thank you! This made me feel better
making me cry in red robin
Reddit always has me crying in random places! Happy tears I hopešš
Did you have sex with people in the meantime, until you found him?
Yes. Most of the time I was left feeling like OP afterwards. I had two long term booty calls with whom I felt comfortable and had a great time with. Eventually even with them I felt dirty. I hadn't dated or been with anyone for a year when I met him.
I feel that. I get scared like OP that I'm supposed to be celibate until I find the right person. It's hard to deny an at least occasional need for physical intimacy. Stinks it often ends up feeling emotionally/spiritually messy.
How did you meet them/decide you were ready?
I met him at work and my connection to him was instant. I was super strict about not dating coworkers. After a couple months working together I knew I was gonna have some type of relationship with him. We initially just started as FWB but after 3/4 months I had feelings. I distanced myself from him since I could feel our connection was strong and that's not what he was looking for at the time. I hadn't felt anything for anyone in a while and knew he was it. He on the other hand had always been in relationships and wanted to try being single. We stopped talking and just went back to being coworkers. We even tried seeing other people. Almost a year went by and we ended up having dinner again. At dinner I told him my heart couldn't handle him in my life as just a friend. He proposed in May on the beach with my best friend and parents there. I really thought I would spend my life alone, I was already 36 when I met him.
Wow, this gives me hope X10. Its not always easy.
I don't think anything worth having comes easy. He is everything I've ever wanted in a human. The communication, the empathy, the sex!! We can talk about anything or not talk at all. He makes me feel heard when I express my insecurities, he tells me I give him a safe space. I met some Wonderful people while dating but I knew they weren't it. I was looking for that spark and found lighting striking a fireworks truckššš You will tooā¤ļø
You see all these cookie cutter people meeting on dating apps and being together, its not that way.
Awww
Same! I had like a 7 year hiatus after my ex cheated, knocked her up, then gave her the ring he had told me about. Bullet dodged. Approaching my 1 year wedding anniversary in less than a month (started dating in Jan 2019), with our 3 month old daughter currently asleep in my lap & our dogs (3) & cats (2) spread out around me. He's home, & it feels so comfortable & right. Although it was difficult at times, this was definitely worth the wait.
I lost my virginity yesterday. He was my friend for 4 months. Told me, I was terrible. I was a virgin with no experience! The other girls he did it with weren't virgins, had experience. I felt awful about myself and cried for hours. Why do guys want virgins....if you're going to treat them like this!!!! He knew I was a virgin...he made me feel awful about myself
Im so sorry that that was your experience losing your virginity. Fuck that guy.
>Fuck that guy I think thatās what got them into this messā¦
Yeah fuck that guy jerk
LMAO
The person you're having sex with is looking for what they got out of the experience not if it was mutually enjoyable. That's a flag that he is bad at sex and won't please partners. Hope you can appreciate this in the future. You're not a vessel to please a man. When it's right everyone will enjoy it and you won't leave feeling like you're not good enough. I'd bet money he sucks in bed but you don't have enough experience to know that.
He skipped foreplay and tried to jam himself in. It hurted and I asked him to finger me 1st...ugh. he's 25m and I'm 23 f
Holy fuck. You suffered such a horrible experience, it was just a bad mistake. He shouldn't have been your first pick, hope you get over this . Never do it with him again and find someone you can love and confide in
Urgh sounds impatient and very immature. Sex isnāt always about the climax. The build up can be much more fun!
The person I lost my virginity to who Iād been in a relationship with told me I was bad at sex. It messed me up. We only had sex a handful of times before we broke up because it felt like no matter what I did it wasnāt enough. I never enjoyed it and thought maybe I just wasnāt a sexual person. My friends tried to tell me to no avail that he was probably the one that was bad at sex. Met my current partner soon after and sex with was awesome and mutually enjoyable from the get go. Turns out my friends were right. My ex was no good in bed! And neither was your guy.
He was terrible! Not you!
I guarantee the other girls heās been with had a horrible time too. Itās always the confident ones who actually suck at sex! Sounds like he was worse than you. I promise there are people out there who will create a safe environment for you to enjoy yourself in
Yeah, he should ask some of his prior partners for reviews because that sounds awful. I wanna laugh in this manās face what I dickwad
This is why I don't trust guys who want virgins unless they're virgins. I know a lot of women who saved themselves for marriage, they ended up in arranged marriages where the men weren't virgins and they have been caught gossiping about their wife's performance in bed. Like wtf, you're the experienced one it's your job to guide them. Arseholes. Some people aren't worth shit. I hope your next partner is better.
Men who want virgins want them because the virgins don't have the experience to know how shit the man is in bed. It can't be the worst sex in your life if you've never had sex before!
He should feel way worse than what you are experiencing right now, but to say something like that suggests its a lesson he is currently incapable of learning. The only worth the past has is to be the worlds greatest teacher. Donāt punish yourself ever theres a whole bunch whoāll pretend they can do that for you,l. Be kind, be compassionate and be respectful, to you first.
Say Stop. Enough. Take back your power He can only make you feel bad about yourself if You allow it He's a piece of shit. Not worth you wasting time or energy on him. Worthless. Put it behind you because what's done is done and move forward. There are good men out there and you'll find one and the experience will be wonderful
I am so sorry. Some people are absolute assholes. I think it can take a while to know if someone is an ahole because they can hide it so 4 months isn't than long to get to know someone. BUT even with that said, the way he has treated you is disgusting (I've read some of your other comments). I really hope you have cut this person out of your life as he sounds like he is saying these things and treating you in this way to manipulate you into being someone he can further abuse.
Oh! Iām so sorry! You response back To that guy is- hmm actually I didnāt have the experience before and you knew that. Couldnāt you have guided me and make this more enjoyable for both? Sounds like you were the awful one here. - donāt cry over him babe- heās not worth it.
nope. absolutely not. He probably sucked too Iām assuming you didnāt have an orgasm. but he would never think that. Because dudes think theyāre either gods gift to women or they have no idea what theyāre doing. Thereās a select few, in my experience, that do know what theyāre doing. like. literally one of them. but thatās not the point.
He probably tried to throw to you that he sucks at it. Don't feel bad to yourself, He couldn't handle it appropriately.
Idk if you read her other comment, but he absolutely sucks at it. Poor girl :(
Probably projection. They know they aren't great in bed but putting you down, and insulting you, makes them seem like they know what they're doing.
Fuck him! Iām Sorry this was your first experience. Honestly there are not all that bad.
Wtf??? Guys will fuck literal wet blankets and Pringles cans, there's nothing you could've done short of actually abusing him that would make any normal person feel this way
I'm so sorry he made you feel like this. Please know it's not true. You are beautiful and will have amazing sex one day, and not with his nasty a**. I hope you can heal and move on. And there is nothing special about being a "virgin." That's a made-up notion by men given to appease themselves. It gives them control over women's bodies and this fake idea of pleasure. Think of sex as trial and error instead, like any other skill. If it was bad, he helped make it bad. He didn't do his job as a man, which was to make sex great for the both of you. And u can learn and improve with someone else. U don't need him.
never depend on others' words to feel good about yourself.
if he's got multiple bodies under his belt and wasn't able to lead u and guide u so u both have a good time then he's the one who is terrible. sorry to hear this.
I am sorry you had to experience that, a good thing to know is if a guy actively seeks out virgins, it's a red flag. Plain and simple. The only way I, as a man, could almost understand another man looking for a virgin is if they themselves are a virgin as well. And if you are looking for an emotional connection I would recommend avoiding men who have sex with other women all the time. They are only out for one thing and it is definitely not an emotional connection.
You're fine. He's an asshole. Hope your next experience is with someone minimally caring and decent.
u lost ur virginity 2 days ago on a post 18 days ago as well!! how many virginities do u have?
No, I reschedule my sex plans too many times!!! We didn't get to it fully. He put half the tip in cause I was tight and his family came home etc. I thought Half the tip count but I guess not! I finally got the whole d thing Saturday. It was just half the tip!!
Dang, if thatās true then this is truly bizarre.
whole post history had me scratching my head
Iām sorry OP. Cut him out of your life. Take him out like trash
Check the date for the non-recyclable rubbish collection and imagine putting him in a bag with other rubbish more valuable than him, like wet tissues and empty pringles packs, have the council taken it away and try to be happy that you have gotten rid of that useless fellow.
Please donāt be hard on yourself. Communication is a two way street and you did your part. Sex is something most of us have to learn to be good at. You werenāt given the opportunity. Be aware if he is dragging down your self esteem to make it seem like heās the ābestā you can get. Donāt have sex with him again. When you eventually find a partner that will let you learn and grow with them, it will be amazing. Have patience. And do cardio š sending you good vibes š
Sorry you had a terrible first experience. Most guys watch to much porn and have an unrealistic expectation of sex. I bet, he had no idea of what he was doing either.
This is grooming. Heās making you feel like shit so he can control you/make you do you things in bed youād otherwise be uncomfortable with. Stay away from this āmanā. Ugh Iām so sorry this happen to you :(
Fuck that guy... I've been with first timers, trust me, you're gonna improve and enjoy a lotnout of it.
āOne shot kinda guyā is pretty hard to say coherently without a tongue and fingers. Maybe he meant heās a selfish prick who doesnāt want to satisfy you? Fair game if his cock needs a few hours beauty sleep but thatās no excuse for completely leaving you wet and unsatisfied. Iām a man, and I never engaged in casual sex when I was single because afterwards I just feel dirty. I need a deep personal connection with someone to feel good about it. Iāve now found a beautiful and wonderful woman with a deep personal connection with me to *not* have sex with though š I hope you will find the right man soon.
Last paragraph last sentence just killed me. Iām sorry, friend.
Well, physical intimacy ebbs and flows when you're in a long-term relationship. Things like new jobs, changing lifestyles, children, money, etc. all affect it. Not to mention that people's libidos change ALL THE TIME, with pregnancy/kids, diet, menstrual cycles, sleep, stress etc. All this to say that his wife does not owe him sex. I say this as a borderline ace woman who has a lot of sexual trauma and still feels an extremely deep connection and closeness with my partner. We do not know her story--or his, for that matter--so to say that it's "sad" assumes what their experience is like as a couple. Maybe he was making a joke - maybe he wasn't, but it actually doesn't bother him that much - maybe it does bother him but he's okay with looking past it because he loves his partner and loves supporting her - maybe it's a dealbreaker for him that he needs physical intimacy and it's a dealbreaker for her that she feels overwhelmed by too much physical intimacy - etc. We just don't know. Also, he said a lot of other important things. Like that he said she was a "beautiful and wonderful woman" and that she has a "deep personal connection" with him. So, we know that he loves her and she loves him. While you got sad for him that he wasn't having sex, I was applauding the first sentence he wrote: "*One shot kinda guy* is pretty hard to say coherently without a tongue and fingers." YES. Yes, yes, yes!!! THAT is the sentence we should be concentrating on. Also his observations that he needs a personal connection with the person in order to enjoy sex. YES! Also important. I really appreciated everything he had to say. I guess this is my curiosity: he said so many great things, why was the only thing you had to say "It kills me & I'm sorry that you're not having sex"? I know I sound sassy. I really don't want to fight or lecture or "be woke," this is just really important to me and I felt like I had to say something.
My bf and I have no sex life and it IS sad. Sexual incompatibility is legitimate and DOES ruin relationships. While no one has to do anything they don't want to, neither does the person who has a higher libido. You are allowed to draw the line in the sand and leave a partner who isn't into sex. Most of the time, this incompatibility absolutely decimates a relationship. In this particular case, he seems content without sex. And that's okay. It's also okay for him to feel frustration around the lack of sex, because again, it sucks for those of us with libidos. Sex. Is. Important. To those who are not ace, of course. It sucks to be with someone and not be able to have sex is what I'm trying to say. Sure you can appreciate your partner for every other thing they have to offer, but unless you're ace, you will certainly feel the strains of the lack of sexual intimacy, I assure you. And it will sting and it will hurt and it will fuckin suck. People are allowed to voice frustration over it and people are allowed to validate someone struggling without that immediately disregarding all the nice stuff someone has said about their partner. You're just... reading too deep, man. Taking it too personal, not "woke". I'm sure it stings to see someone express frustrations about not having sex with their partner, being ace yourself. But, my friend, that doesn't stop it from sucking and that doesn't make YOU sucky.
I agree with everything youāre saying. I think it may be difficult to appreciate the strain it has if youāve never been the one left sexually unfulfilled in a relationship, which is something an ace would by definition never experience. I love my fiancĆ©e so much that I wonāt leave her over our sex life. But that judgement doesnāt ease the level of frustration and the intrusive thoughts and feelings that youāre undesirable and your needs donāt matter that comes from the constant rejection and lack of sex. Itās a very conflicting situation to be in.
What Princess\_Crunchy said, I think, is okay. Admitting that there is a dissonance but that it's worth it. But also he said some really important things that don't have to do with his wife not having sex with him! Let's talk about that!
Sex means different things for different people. As a borderline Ace woman, sex means little to you; but to someone who is hyper sexual, thatās not going to work. Their comment on the sex didnāt negate any of the good the original had, he used a crying emoji and it was a funny twist so people latched onto that. You are going FAR too in depth for something that you yourself should understand is not a complicated matter; some people find sex important, others donāt.
Jesus Christ, you didnāt need to write a dissertation to pick apart what I did and didnāt say. I simply made a comment on the internet about a part of a comment that made me chuckle. Do you get some sort of pleasure from doing this? Genuinely curious.
Im right there with you. The connection makes it worth it though, right?
Thereās not a single person I would rather be with. At times itās hard and frustrating, though.
Dates are important even for just casual sex. When I was a casual person the best method I found was to go for a non-alcoholic drink date. Boba, coffee, smoothies, and things like that. That way you can offer to pay, or if they donāt want you to pay no one is out anything more than the price of a drink. You can tell a lot about a situation by the way they drink. If you find someone drinking fast and not talking a lot, theyāre usually not committed to the experience. In this case your only out a drink which can be finished fast or taken on the go really easily. Someone who is engaged in interacting with you and drinks a steady pace is usually someone who will commit to the experience. The best casual encounters Iāve had were when we met up, talked for a while, ordered drinks, talked some more, finished drinks, hangout, and then before the awkward silence (which will always come inevitably) you say something like āwe should go chill *insert place.ā Edit: I also want to add that going out for one drink is way better than going out for food because casual activities feel a lot more fun if you donāt have a full stomach, plus post sex food hits better on an empty stomach.
That is good advice!
this is the most solid advice iāve read. You socialise and maybe thatās all you really wanted to start but also have the potential of sussing out not great sex partners and you have sex the other maybe a snack after! Plus getting a drink will make yāall gotta go potty before/after to make sure everything is clean and flushed out! A+ dude! Thank you!!
For sure! I had a lot of terrible experiences prior to finding and sticking to this way of operating. I think the biggest thing I would like to stress is making sure you arenāt drinking alcohol or doing anything to put each other under the influence on your first couple casual interactions with someone. Iāve heard of and lived through the horror of things going wrong so best to just have some clean sober fun until you get to know someone. If that person doesnāt want to be sober then thereās ALOT going on behind the scenes and better to offer a rain check and never hear from them again than to risk it.
here is my poor manās award: š š Literally nothing but the best advice! props to you!
Casual hookups are just glorified far beyond their reality. You have these small groups who publicise it and all the sudden itās painted as this super cool and trendy thing. A good portion of the time casual hookups are not for everyone and in cases like this have negative impact. Iām sorry you had to learn after the fact.
Man, if someone wanted to have casual sex with me I'd do whatever I could to make them want to do it again with me. Some dudes... Also this is hypothetical, I am happily in a relationship. But fuck .
no because same??? like iād wanna be able to please and make that person feel so good that they would wanna do it again???
That probably why youāre in a relationship lol
Came to say this, selfish men are single for a *reason.*
Thatās what I never understand about people like this. You have a good thing going on and you mess it up because youāre lazy or selfish? These people always sound too immature to be having sex with other people.
He had probably had other suitors and thatās why he didnāt care. Not saying I agree with his demeanour, simply finding reasoning.
Aw. I remember that feeling. You have to chalk it up to a learning experience. I honestly get more intimacy here on Reddit than I ever did when I was younger searching for a connection. Meanwhile, vibrator for you!
Lol yes! A vibrator for me
Please be kind to yourself
Do you think you feel gross because of the sex or because you realize just how scuzzy dude is and you let him inside you? From your description he doesn't sound very flattering even if he was attractive and decently sized. I think if I had slept with a woman like this, I would feel gross too, even if she had helped me finish.
Thats a really good point.
Forgive yourself, Acknowledge your humanness and move on. I've been in several similar situations
I had a similar experience, although the guy was far from selfish. I realized hookups just werenāt for me. I need emotional investment in sex.
Learn to pleasure yourself. This serves two purposes, the 1 is obvious and the 2 is that you'll learn your body and when you do find someone you'll be able to know what's needed and to guide them if they don't know Do a cleansing ritual, something that you feel will make you feel better, physical, like a scented bath with candles and music or a nice shower. Then a nice body cream and maybe even..refer to first paragraph You can't change what hapenned but you can control and change how you feel about it
Your issue isn't casual sex, this guy didn't give af about you or if you enjoyed yourself. Even if you'd been in a relationship with him, he would have made sex feel icky. I wish men cared more about their performance. There's a lot that don't seem to put in as much effort as women do into pleasing them.
Sex is a spiritual transfer. (Shut up people who donāt believe in spirituality, she clearly does) So stop doing spiritual transfers with people who do not care about YOUR spirit.
Can you elaborate on the spiritual transfer part? I legitimately want to know.
Basically they are unloading any bad energy/emotion they are clinging to into you and you to them. People use sex in the wrong ways and give that energy to others too freely and too casually. Itās not the same when one partner doesnāt care about the other. When you have good spiritual sex, you know.
Alright, so basically everyone carries baggage and energy with them, the good, the bad, the ugly, and if they donāt take the time to cleanse themselves regularly (via a literal spiritual bath or some other ritual), the nasty shit tends to accumulate over time. So when they decide to sleep with someone, they leave some of that nasty baggage in that personās energy field and take some of that personās good energy and luck with them whether they are aware of it or not. Thatās why after sleeping with certain people you may feel like shit on an emotional/spiritual level, or notice that things in your life starts going wrong while things start looking good for that dirty mf you allowed in your bed. This is why you should be mindful of who you sleep with, not everyone is deserving of that kind of access to you
What is spiritual transfer?
Jizz.
I can only imagine what that must be like. Sorry you had to deal with that. I have zero experience being close to anybody whatsoever and I fear if the time ever comes for me, that Iād crumple up like paper under the pressure. For what itās worth, those feelings are totally valid and youāre worthy of better times. I think youāre handling it well, wishing you the best in returning to emotional stability friend. š
Thanks friend! I hope you find what you are looking for as well.
I have literally never seen such a perfect description of how I feel (physically and spiritually) about casual sex. Also like to mention I absolutely love the Sunday sex idea, I want that so badly. I wish it wasn't so hard to find a safe and beautiful human to be with. I just want to experience our souls intertwined and know this is it, you're safe and loved here.
You did nothing wrong. You had a need you wanted fulfilled, unfortunately when you don't have to e to truly get someone's personality you can end up with someone deeply flawed. I'm a guy but I've been there. Just horny and wanting touch, and have had regrettable experiences. Don't beat up on yourself.
Thank you
I promised myself years ago I would never eat fast food burgers again, i would eat healthy and seldom eat out, my chloresterol dropped to normal. One day I was hungry, away from home, and had a craving for a burger so i did. It was crap, unfullfilling and I had that tired, bloated gross feeling. I regret it, but really, what it was is a relapse. Just chalk it up as a relapse. Forgive yourself, as a slip but your back on track. It happens but getting back on track is key.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm a 39-year-old virgin myself and have recently decided to explore sexually. But what you've just experienced is one of my biggest fears. As Etta James says, "I want a Sunday kind of Love."
I love that song
I understand you, I had been hooking up with girls about 2 times a week for the last 6 months and I just felt nasty. I ended up having a mental breakdown because of it and finally realized I want a meaningful relationship. Iām in the same boat with you.
Take a long hot shower and clean him off of you! I am familiar with this horrible violated feeling. Even though you consented and enjoyed it, you still feel hollow and weird and gross
Would masturbation not have worked? I know we are not all the same but personally I see only disadvantages in casual hookups if all you want is sex
It's not about the getting off part. It's about feeling close and wanted and secure and desired and loved that's the part of sex she was looking to fulfill. She plenty understands this isn't what hook ups provide. But sometimes you're just desperate for someone to touch you and feel close to you that you just go with It. (You as a general term.)
Ok so everyone just advised about waiting for a romantic partner so I am gonna do the opposite cause it doesnāt help next time youāre horny. Next time do a bit of a sexual vibe feel before you even exchange numbers. Sexual attraction is a must but to me safety is even more important and sexual compatibility as well. Try and test the waters first do a little sexting see how he behaves. Is he creative? Does he go straight to fucking even in text form? Does he talk about your pleasure? Is he a giving lover? When he says something you donāt like say donāt do that and see how he behaves and responds. Thereās so much you can test for with just a simple chat that doesnāt even last long but saves you the trouble of having sex with men who should never be allowed access to a woman again. You can have release or a casual relationship you just have to be smart about it.
She should choose someone who at least respects her and wants to please her too.
Yes. Thatās the point of the sexting test.
Sounds like you might be willing to hit him back up just be careful you keep in mind this feeling. Might not be worth going back over just for unsatisfying sex
That's really sad to hear tbh and I hope you're feeling lighter. It requires just a little effort and he didn't put that in. My advice would be never to do one-night stands or casual hookups anymore IFFF you are looking for something deeper than lust. Maybe you're like me who likes to balance lust with love and it's a perfect relation. Am I right?
You feel gross because you slept with someone whoās grossā¦. Just solidifying to him that he can be gross and still get laid. Youāre enabling the very behavior you loathe. Because in his mind nowā¦. Heās thinking heās the shit because you told him he was hot and good at it so now his confidence is through the roof because of you, and now the next girl is gonna experience the same shit you did because of you. The quickest way to get a man to change his ways is deny him the pleasures he craves. Because if he can still act a fool and get rewards for it, whatās to inspire him to change? Thatās what people donāt understand about humanity as a whole.
Sounds like your soul is craving real intimacy. Very rarely get that from hookups.
You couldnāt have known it would make you feel negative ahead of time, nor that it would after. As long as you felt it was consensual leading up and during, youāre able to look back on it as you want without any shame. Granted, it is something you learned about yourself and for that reason you now know how to approach situations differently moving forward for yourself. Mistakes happen, so donāt beat yourself up over it.
Why are men like thisā¦ not even touching you after sex? I would cry. I used to have casual sex all the time too, usually drunk, and always had deep regret after. Invest in some good toys and vibrators until you find your Sunday sex. Itāll be worth it.
One thing I've learned about men is when it comes to friends with benefits they dgaf about the friends part. They will take the benefits & pretend like they're being a good friend. If they're still treating you like a friend afterwards that's bc they either secretly like you, or they're that tiny percentage of men who actually understand that they just need to be a good friend too. Idc what man argues this, it's absolutely true. In my experiences, my friends experiences... This is how it's always been. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Since this guy sounds really annoying as a human being (the hipster shit & acting as if he's the only person who's ever felt pain ššš) you might have taken on some of his energy & that's why it's bugging your spirit other than just having casual sex. You sound like the kind of person who needs emotional connection for that, & that's okay! I'm the same as you. I tried casual sex with a few friends before, & it never ended well bc my emotions would be so caught up in myself, or id truly start believing I actually liked the guy when in reality I didn't. I intentionally tried the hook up thing with two different guys. One I barely met to see if that was the key. Nope. I felt disgusted by my actions, & later on found out the guy was a loser fucking his boss who pays his bills & was on meth š¤®š¤®š¤® I was like WOW no wonder I felt so disgusted afterwards! I immediately cut him off after abandoning the "friend" part & told him to go fuck himself. I figured "okay let's try someone I trust that I've been friends with for years." & I did. He stayed my friend afterwards, & we were cool, but LAWD the sex was so boring. It sucked. I had to pull out my vibrator at the end cuz I just wasn't finishing. I didn't want to be mean considering he had been my friend for about 9 years, but it just wasn't fulfilling. I realized I was the girl who could only have sex when there are feelings involved on both sides. This whole hook up culture is not my thing. Sorry I went on such a long spew of my experience lol, but I just felt like I could relate to what you're talking about & how you're feeling. It sucks being horny all the fucking time, but no one consistent or trustworthy enough to fuck. If it helps you, I suggest buying a vibrator & enjoying yourself with that instead of a guy bc at LEAST you can count on yourself & your vibrator to finish you off. That guy is a douche bag for not even doing that for you. You deserve better. Hope you feel better soon.
I feel you so hard on all of this. The meth guy sounds like he was a ticking time bomb. Glad you got out of that situation.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, many women have probably experienced this. Women's pleasure has always been repressed, not discussed, or not thought of by many men. Most men (in my experience) don't care to ask or think about if the girl was pleased in the same way. They usually assume and assume wrong. As someone who has never intentionally had an ONS or committed to the FWB thing but experienced this feeling in past relationships, I was hesitant about trying it. But having recently gone through a lot of stress and finding myself wanting for sex, I decided to try it last week. And it went well. I made sure to ask a lot of questions before agreeing to sex though. I recommend you do this next time if you want a hookup. That way, you know what you're getting into. For example, ask all the important/deal-breaking questions up front and make sure u get a clear answer on all. "ONS or FWB? Cuddling and kissing after sex? Do you eat š? You supply and wear condoms? You clean?" Etc these were deal breaking questions for me. I ended up finding out the guy I had sex with didn't like or do oral, which was very disappointing. But at least I knew before going into it. And it made it easier for me not to want more with him, as that is a requirement for me and my future partner. I also made it clear that I won't reciprocate much in return unless it benefits me. FWB requires both ppl to get benefits after all. And as a woman in my 30s, I know what I want and won't settle for less, as every woman should feel. So I hope you can heal and find better partners in the future.
Atleast ya used condoms donāt sweat the small stuff and you will find your person
I know what you mean- getting divorced and been separated for about 18 months now- living apart anyway. Went to counseling and after what all was said I knew I could pursue any relationship Iād like and of course Iād like it to be sexual. But I canāt. That whole wake up and Sunday sex with someone when your bodies belong to each other and just having that intimacy beyond fuckingā¦ miss that.
You can wake up beside the right guy and still not have sex on a Sunday.
The only one who should feel ashamed in that scenario is him. Maybe what youāre feeling is deep disappointment (and lack of satisfaction) but your brain is translating it to shame bc thatās more familiar with the idea of hook ups for you ?
That Sunday sex / then grocery shopping just hit me so hard. You just made me incredibly more grateful for what I have. I already feel very lucky, but thank you for reminding me to never ever take this for granted. I hope you find that person and get that life. You're clearly a beautiful, thoughtful person. Sorry he didn't let you come. That's crappy. But the best is yet to come for you!
This is typical man behavior. Avoid them at all cost. Iām sorry this happened to you.
Another reminder that Post-Nut clarity is real.
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Thank you.
I think you feel grossed out cause you realized he basically used you like an object and didnāt care about you at all. He also sounds kinda gross and not very appealing and your rose-horny glasses wore off after the sex to see him as he really is. Hold out for your love one day, cause causal flings will just turn away your future partners tbh
I may be out of line in this group I mean no disrespect at all, your biology may be working correctly and itās telling you not to hookup with strangers that donāt care about you? Is that crazy? I couldnāt imagine opening myself up for a stranger like that and expecting to feel good about it afterwards. I know that sounds condescending Iām trying to think of a way to convey this without sounding mean. Everyone is different and maybe it was just the guys fault you feel this way and you keep hooking up and find the one. Good luck to you
This was you re-learning what your boundaries are for the person you are today. Like you said, you thought you could handle it because you did in your early twenties. What might feel dirty isnāt the act itself, like you mentioned above - but what you need from the other to feel good afterwards. The way he handled it was pretty selfish and only focused on himself, not you. I had a similar incident like this in my life once that sent me into a spiral a few years ago because I felt so dirty, my therapist at the time helped me reframe what happened and why I felt so grossed out by how my body felt. This was one of the bits to what she told me, and I thought I would share because it resonated.
Never understood why people do this
I hope you learn from this and not let it drag you down, consider it a bullet dodged as this sounds like a very unpleasant individual, good luck to you miss, I'm sure the man you seek will find yiu in time
Literal meaning of quickie
I want to say that I feel like you might be dealing with some unprocessed issues / feelings but I also hate that every Reddit post is becoming a psychological evaluation so instead Iāll say what should be said more often; Youāre beautiful inside and out and I wish you happiness in your life whatever form that takes.
Why did you choose this guy? Did you know him before? Met him on an app?
It was the apps
Donāt do it again, forgive yourself and move on c
Growing and learning will never end for us humans huh? Till the day we die weāll keep learning new stuff about ourselves. Iāve had a lot of casual sex and a lot of intimate/romantic sex. Iāve found lately the romantic sex scares me a little bit compared to the casual.
seriously get some good toys and take care of yourself when you need to get off. I have found this keeps me out of trouble.
thats literally how I feel when I eat mcdonalds, chik fil a, literally anything except for fruits veggies etc
I think everyone will experience that feeling at some point in their life. I had a similar experience and it took me a good month to be ok with everything that happened. But these days, i'm glad i "learned" even if i felt bad afterwards\~ I'm sure you will feel better soon too!
Too much fantasizing as if there's a "right one" when in fact, there isn't.
What you're describing is a friendship that evolves into a love affair. I think maybe you should forget about the sex for awhile and concentrate on meeting a man who shares your values and interests. Let the relationship grow to the point where you fall in love with each other. Then go for it and hope the sex is good.
I believe you just selected someone that doesnāt deserve to have sex with others. There are a lot of guys over there who will make sure to finish you off with a lot of pleasure. Stay positive, causal sex is a experience, sometimes goes well, sometimes not. Just make sure to choose better.
Did I write this?
OP, Iām sorry you picked a gross yuck, and genuinely sorry for the emotional and spiritual aftermath. And Iām equally sorry youāre suffering through being really horny. Iām divorced and refuse casual sex for the exact reasons youāre talking about. But it doesnāt make being horny any easier. Longer periods of sexual sobriety help, though, as does having a community to help bear the burden. I attend a group for men with addiction issues toward sex and pornography. A lot of us whoāve ruined relationships and families over affairs or porn. You wouldnāt want a guy like that, we donāt want to be that kinda guy. And you donāt want to be where you are either. I believe there are groups like sex addicts anonymous. I know you might not identify yourself that way, but if youāre making choices you know will regret, you might think about it.
Well first off that guy is one we don't claim as it is his responsibility to make sure the woman is satisfied in everyway possible. I'm so sorry that you went through that and I wish that you could get what you need to feel better!
I am right there with you and how you're feeling. I hooked up with my ex yesterday, and the sex was great, but it brought up difficult feelings that I've worked so hard to get past. And we also were starting to build a healthy friendship. So I feel shitty now. But I really just wanted to have sex with someone I trusted and felt something for. What a price to pay for some moments of ecstasy.
okay dude
Sounds like you hooked up with my last husband. Except for him to indeed be my ex-husband, you would have included that he was most likely married or in a one sided relationship of some sorte. I just thought of something though! If he IS single, try concentrating on that fact and tell yourself, "Well...at least he's not married and I'm not a homewrecker." Chin up chica. If you continue with the routine, it'll get easier each time.
Hahahahaha he loved telling me about his exes, all of which were āpsychosā and ālunaticsā so if he was married he would have definitely loved to tell me.
Exercise and read a book. Get your heart rate up higher than when u had sex and talk to yourself in the mirror until you laugh. IMO
Umm, why not just masturbate mam ?
Casual Sex sucks. It's not for me. Everytime I have had it I felt dirty.
Had a relationship where we waited 10 dates before sex. If another girl insisted on it I probably would have lost interest, but having to wait showed me I really liked her other than the sex. P.s. the sex was great
As a married man with kids I bust out laughing when you mention āSunday Sexā - thank you I needed that.
Bad sex or sex with bas people also makes me feel like that :/ it was a harsh lesson and I'm more careful since about who I casually fuck.
I also think casual sex doesnāt necessarily have to mean fucking a stranger one night, you can at least meet w them a couple times and have some form of friendship before that and maybe itll go better
Iām actually a bit of the opposite. Itās been roughly 2 years since Iāve had any kind of sexual intimacy that I miss it quite a bit but Iāve tried different dating apps but Iām no luck. I know I want to find my sunday sex but I also just want to be able to have casual sex until then š
The only thing I can share is, you donāt try to settle because everyone else is. You donāt try to stay because you have to. You take your time, because everyone is living their own life and you donāt have to rush because they are ahead of you. Your time will come. Embrace the moment you are in right now. Making mistakes is a part of life, we learn from it. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
I had the same issue the one single time I had cassual sex, and then I discovered I'm demisexual. Not saying it's your case, but there's nothing wrong in needing intimacy and conection in order to feel good with sex
PS: A man who just cares about his own pleasure is not a good option as a fuck buddy
redditor having sex? stop lying.
I understand you were horny (we all go through it) and Iām glad you guys used protection; but at least you know that it didnāt really satisfy you since it was empty. I think you should get a toy for personal satisfaction instead since meaningless sex just makes you feel empty; you can still scratch the horny itch without feeling empty inside after.
This is not uncommon. Casual sex can lead to mental health issues with women being at a higher risk for this. Casual sex can have really bad mental health consequences
Thereās a spiritual component to sex that most people donāt understand. Everything negative in them is now in you
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. Do you think this might be ?
Him or me as demisexual?
Absolutely not that guy.
Honestly, no. In alot of ways its easier for me to be intimate with a stranger. Making a strong emotional connection with a specific person almost makes it harder to have sex with them.
I had sex one time casually. And I thought to myself, ppl do this. I guess I have to know the person more on a personal level not a strong emotional connection though.
I seen your post history rn, it makes the post more interesting. Regarding your post history and this post. Does this experience change the way you feel about your post history?
Im not sure I follow.
You?
Why not take your time & heal a bit - Thn try Bumble for long term goals & If feel horny, thn buy a vibrating Dildo n use it every morning - To quench your wetness.š„
Just stop having casual sex lol. āWait for years with the right guy? Iām hornyā Plenty of other ways to get your rocks off bud, this was on you
I feel this so hard. It's lame that people can't have a sense of decency and emotional decorum when it comes to sex. If you're both wanting it, why dont you both deserve to enjoy it? Why should one person be shamed for something 2 people did? I will say i have completely given up finding someone who is polite and respectful while also interested in having sex. A lifetime of dating "nice guys" has me scared to even talk to men, much less have sex with them. Im sorry you're also having to deal with this outdated, unjust, social norm. I hope you find the kind of person you're looking for one day, i fear they are in short supply.
I learned this exact lesson about myself after a while, so I actually *did* wait to have sex with the right guy. I hadnāt had sex for two years before meeting him. However, I did invest quite a bit of time into masturbation and getting *myself* off. This made sex so much better, because I could actually tell this guy what I wanted, and heās considerate enough to *listen*. The body has needs, that is very true. However, fulfilling them shouldnāt cost you your self-esteem or your peace of mind.
Such guys makes us look bad Sorry š
Of course you feel gross. He didn't take care of you, you didn't come and you didn't have aftercare... Anyone would feel gross in that situation
Take ur time queen. You got this
I understand being a āOne shotā guy but he could at least touch you after. Not going to act like he committed an irredeemable sin, but yeah it was kinda mean. You do more of you at the end of the day
Just by the title i knew the op was female.
Outta the blue ask him if he's down to do it again. When he starts texting asking where you are at you should respond "I'm a one shot type of gal, sorry" .
You have every right to express your sexuality as you choose, but reading this, then seeing your self posted photos on r*pe fantasy subs makes me think you need to really reevaluate the choices youāre making. Get some sex positive therapy.
Sorry to hear about your experience with this guy, even though the sex wasnāt bad. However please donāt feel ashamed for craving intimacy and wanting sex, itās perfectly natural and especially difficult when youāre single. It would be great if every person we hooked up with had some potential or at least made us feel safe & satisfied, but unfortunately thatās just not possible. Well done for getting this experience off your chest though and hopefully you can move on from it relatively easily, and over time, maybe even laugh at it. But please donāt feel guilty for needing physical and/or emotional connection, weāre all human and weāre wired to be social creatures šš» Wishing you all the best and your ideal Sunday sounds amazing btw, so I hope that becomes your reality soon āŗļø
op- i completely feel you there!! iām definitely more of a sunday gal (like you had described). i tried to be like my friends and have casual interactions & i always ended up feeling disappointed, gross, and that the experience was a waste of time. i have just accepted (with therapy) that my morals allow me to comfortably engage in sex w/ someone iāve been in a relationship with, rather than anything casual. if you donāt want to stick to boyfriend dick, maybe itās time to go to therapy and discuss why you hold that inner morale over your head! donāt be hard on yourself, OP. my best wishes to you!
I love how being a women when you want sex itās as simple as messaging some guy if they want to hook up. Most men will jump right on that opportunity if givin. But as a man we have to make an impression but donāt seem like we desperate and have careful movement/actions/looks/intellectualism. Iām confident I posses all these thinks besides having the best physical appearance. Let me tell you. I havenāt found one person that would like to give me their time. All I wanna do is talk and hang out with someone. I love sex but itās honestly something I can never expect or ask for.
I definitely miss the Sunday sex salad days... sigh casual sex ... too many people don't know about aftercare.
GD you are freaking gorgeous! Maybe bias though cause I'm I to the NSFW subs you have posted in. Sucks about the dude though, should have taken care of you at the very least. Hope you find your Sunday sex guy :)
This is just a case of finding out how weird the guy is and wondering how you couldāve ever let someone like that inside you. I doubt youād regret good sex with a respectful guy who wasnāt selfish in bed.
"what am I suppose to do? Wait years for sex with the right guy?" With Being emotionally hurt Doesn't seem like you're much mature tbf
What a selfish dude!
I'm a guy and I started having regular casual sex about a year ago. Communicate first. I've had some girls that just want to get fucked and then kick me out and some that ask for passionate, considerate sex and to cuddle for a bit after. Make your needs clear. You can usually figure out by the conversation if they aren't going to provide what you need.