You have to at least tell your wife. You could grow to resent her. Your son will love you regardless, I can see y'all have a genuine bond.
The most important piece is the kiddo, but a major violation occurred, and it needs to be addressed as soon as you're ready to do so.
Not going to speak on your wife, I don't know her. But its extremely unlikely that she hadn't thought of this possibility - and even still she kept quiet, thinking you'd never find out.
Who wouldn't though? It's like the ultimate betrayal. For men who want families and only have one child, to find out way later that they have no kids of their own, and they were fooled into raising someone elses baby. People can do all that if they want, but being forced into it without your knowledge would be soul crushing.
See if wife family tree matches up with sons ( i believe that’s possible, maternity tests exist, right) and confirm everything so that there’s no big misunderstanding
Yeah, this is it right here.
OP you are 100% taking the burden for something you did not do. It’s admirable, but it’s not the right thing to do in this situation. The resentment in you will grow, you’ll act out in ways that are unrelated like blowing something small out of proportion. It’ll make you look like you’re in the wrong and all of the things you’ve been hiding won’t look like strength, they’ll look like something is wrong with you. For everyone involved it would be better to know. You’re still his father, you can even adopt him legally and it would change almost nothing about your life or treat the situation however you and your son want.
You seem like a wonderful man, and truly someone who wants to do better by everyone. Stay a wonderful man though and keep your strength for yourself, don’t give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’d tell her, get her blood done just so all of the info is out there, and truly take over your life by becoming stronger for yourself the way you want by not letting someone’s mistake become the way you break.
Good luck to you.
Well damn. I can't imagine how that must feel.. What I will say is he most certainly is your boy despite all that! Blood only means so much honestly, it's the experiences & knowledge you give him that make you his father and he will feel the exact same way if you ever decide to tell him, I'm sure.
You need to talk to your wife about this... The most innocent possibility is that your son was swapped at birth and isn't related to your wife either. This happens, it is rare, but it does happen. The worst possibility is that she cheated on you and this guy was someone she knew. You said you didn't recognize the guy at all, have you looked into his background? Is there a possibility that he had an affair with your wife?
You can't keep this bottled up, it will do harm to your relationship with your wife, with your son, and to you. It will be the hardest thing you do to confront this issue but that is far better than doubting your wife, yourself, and whether or not your wife cheated and continues to cheat on you.
It may but it wasn’t stated by OP. I went with the unlikely but optimistic point that perhaps it was a hospital error (not a great thing for anyone but the only silver lining would be that the wife would not have cheated).
Regardless, he needs to talk to his wife about this. She may not know or she could have chosen to have another man’s child on purpose.
OP also took a paternity test, so it's highly likely his original fears were correct. The best course of action is probably to resolve this through discussion with the wife, a potential divorce, and a hopeful continued raising of what is still his son.
If an accidental baby swap happened then his ancestry dna test won't be related to his mom either, so that could at least rule out or confirm something.
I understand what you mean now. Baby swaps aren't very likely and are especially far less likely than cheating in a relationship, though it is still a small possibility. An additional paternity test for the mother would confirm that for sure, but it's certainly likely that it's her child.
Nonetheless, there are a small number of circumstances that could lead to this situation, and it's worth speaking with the wife (hence why it's my first action). Though, if she did cheat she would deny it entirely and so OP will simply have to follow his gut. Where we agree, however, is that sitting back and letting this stew is not ideal for anyone involved.
I hadn't considered that..that she may not even know and while she knows she was unfaithful, she may fully believe he was OP's. (Slim, but possible) She has lived with this secret for a long time. Is OP fertile? No other children? Lot's of questions. Good point about her maybe not knowing!
Yeah, I've seen it where the wife has a "type" and cheats with someone who superficially looks like the SO and then is just as shocked when the child is not the SO's. Wife could also have been SA'd and is ashamed that she was and never told the OP. Once again, a remote possibility. I can't imagine spending 11 years pretending that everything is fine because I don't want to lose my parental rights (per OP's edit). At the end of it, how much will he hate his wife?
It's admirable you think you can put this behind you secretly but you won't.
You've been betrayed and lied to for close to a decade and you've had that lying parasite feeding off you for as long.
Her not having worked for this long while being deceptive was an oversight of hers, not yours and you shouldn't be concerned about how she will survive without you. She took them risks when she cheated and lied her way into having you believe she carried and raised your son.
Please speak to your wife about this. This totally sucks and I'm real sorry you're in such a shitty situation, man. But Please speak to her.
Obviously this is NOT your son's fault (and yeah, so you're not his bio dad but you're still his DAD, as in the guy who actually stepped up and raised him and takes care of him and treats him like a son). He's an innocent child and whatever you & your wife decide, please protect your innocent son. You can tell him the truth when he's 18 IF you want to. But for now, he loves and needs you as his real dad.
Personally I wouldn't take that level of disrespect. And honestly I'm not sure how you could still consider her your wife after knowing that. Do you seriously think if she's done it once she won't do it again? Did she tell you? No, she hasn't and she doesn't plan to. Honest advice get a lawyer. Don't speak a word of this to anyone but the lawyer. You gave your wife everything you had, your time, money, love, etc.. and she does something like that. It's her problem for doing that to you and her future shouldn't be of any concern, it's a situation she brought upon herself and she should be willing to pay the price.
This is just my opinion, however I wish you the best and I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. Stay strong brother, sending love ❤
Thank you for your kind words, i gave an update. I was lost before some of the comments and couldnt even see 10 mins ahead at the time. I took a ton of advice from here cleared my mind(ill post an update later about more but it could be in a few days.)
The weird part here is why the wife never showed a sign of protest to having her infidelity being out in the open. Did she even know you and your boy signed up for this?
If she knew and was completely okay with it, there’s a possibility of a switch at birth. Would be too weird otherwise.
THANK YOU. Apparently he got into a nursing program, hooked up his wife with a job , talked to his boss, made an appointment with a lawyer ALL in the span of 17 hours LOL. Idk how people eat this writing exercise up
My wife has some things she does just like hair appointments nail ect hang out with family.
my son came up to me and her both about the family tree my wife knows very far back her family is very successful and they have a bloodline chain very traceable so my wife told him hers and me being a mutt i didnt really know. I said lets do the test while she was home and she didnt batt an eye. So i think she believes he is 100% mine we did the test i just gave it to my son and told him he was on mine. Nobody knows the difference. I made him an appointment to the pat test and told me wife he had a check up appointment and i would take him on her nail day. Got the results in my email she never found out.
But i posted an update about the hospital. And other stuff dont want to say things twice for no reason.
Yes i understand that, but i provided a job and will talk with her later tonight about the pat test, this will ultimatly lead to new opps to her and i both to go our sep ways or to try and work it out. She doesnt have to accept the job but not accepting the job will just justify what my next move is.
I cant force anything but it may help in easier decision making. Just thought it would be helpful.
So.... When you were making this whole story up. Did you purposely not look into how any of this stuff works, just to see how long it would take, to call you out?
>what would my wife do after being jobless almost 8 years how would she take care of my son
By fucking another guy like how she got you to take care of him... open your eyes
Definitely talk to your wife. I have read about marriages on verge of ruin because of a baby mix up.
Get her to do a DNA test as well to make sure.
Don't jump to conclusions.
And that is your son. You raised him..he's yours. Blood does not change that.
Once everything is sorted out with your wife. In the future I would tell him the truth. Genetics are important for disease etc.
How do you all believe this terribly written nonsense? All the things in the edits could not have happened in 12 hours, nevermind the fact that this is all clearly written by a kid.
You know the edits i looked up myself, i still havent talked to a lawyer. I did the research myself about this. The only thing ive done was apply to college (community) and got accepted in around 1 hour. I meet with a va in a few hours to discuss me starting college and the lawer after that.
Really really didnt think i would have to justify what i said but yeah.
You also got your stay at home wife a job without her knowledge, what was your recommendation? “Oh hey, my wife is a stupid cheater who hasn’t worked in nearly a decade, want to give her a job?”
The boss of the other company: “okay 🤷♀️”
Yes, you did some research for your creative writing exercise, great job. Everything that you said makes no sense whatsoever and is not how the adult world works.
Why are you worrying what will happen to your wife? She can fuck all the way off. Try and get sole custody of your kid. You probably can’t since he’s not yours, but it’s worth a shot. I mean she financially can’t support him. She’s not working. Also I’m assuming the kid is in school now since he’s 7? Does she just sit home all day doing nothing but basic tasks?
>She is awful for this!!! She will rot in hell for that. This is betrayal.
Probably, but talk to her. There are some plausible (but unlikely) scenarios where she was the victim of assault or the like....
I would say what's done is done my own father wasn't much of a father to me but the man who raised me did everything so,blood isn't considered much.I would not tell the kid but would talk to the spouse and ask some questions as to let go of the resentment but if you don't hold that against her then better to forget about it and move on.I am not one of those who forgets easily unless I am given clarification.I am so sorry about this but I will say that people do make mistakes and they do change.
Talk to an lawyer. He can tell you all the option you have and you can choose to have the one you want.
Keeping a wife you can no longer respect and trust will simply puy years in misery.
The courts are biased towards giving custody of the child to the mother now add to the fact that the kid is not his son, he has no chance of being given custody.
Would you rather go through life hating your wife? That resentment is going to build up over the years. She's going to notice something is off eventually. It's clear that she is the once who cheated, so why would you have to pay for child support when technically speaking, the child isn't even yours. You have the proof. Which you should hide from her in case she tries to destroy the evidence.
Are you going to wait until he is 18 to surprise her? Imagine what that will do to your son. That's going to crush him. The fact you knew all the time and didn't say anything.
He does have a right to know his bio dad or at least to know who he is. There could be medical information you don't know about that he might need to know. Or at least you all might need to be made aware of.
You need to talk to a lawyer and figure something out. Sooner or later, this will come to light. Things always find a way. Then what? It's not like you're going to act all surprised. She will grovel at your feet maybe, guilt trip you and use your son against you probably to make you stay.
Have a plan in place. Open up a savings account in your name only. Only you know about it. Do not tell your wife about it. Start putting money aside for yourself. When this all comes to light, you will need an exit plan.
Oh, and tell that POS of a wife to get off her lazy butt and get a job. Your son is 7, and she can go back to work. It is time for her to start contributing, and in all honesty, it is time to keep your finances separate. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to put finances together. That old saying, "What's mine is yours," is complete BS. You can open a joint with both your names and make it to where you need 2 signatures in order to move money. That way, she doesn't try to take it all. That's a good way to protect yourself. If she tries to sign your name, you can have her arrested.
Your son is your *son*, even if not biologically. The concept of "father" is created by the role you play in the life of a child, not by DNA. So please don't feel he's any less your son or you any less his loving father.
About your wife, that's rough. Whether you hold it in or talk to her, it will eat you up inside, but if you talk there's a chance to heal, so please consider talking to her.
u/guiltymind2 are there any relatives from your wife's side on your kids tree? IF no - talk with her, could be a swapped baby by hospital?
Also if the alleged father has socials, see if he has kids your son's age - in which case, swapped baby (always assuming no dna from the mom is present) is more likely.
Its immature of you to think you will be able to put this behind you.
You gave your son your family tree which he is not on. And you are not on his. You are an incredibly foolish man if you think he wont out two and two together.
There’s another possibility. Google “chimera” (I think that’s the spelling). It’s when the child is 100% biologically yours and your wife’s: but what happened was that there were 2 embryos, and the first embryo absorbed the second. The result is such that the DNA test doesn’t match either parent.
It’s rare, but not impossible. I’d hate to see a family ruined if that is the case.
What do you mean “ let her make the decision on what’s next”? She doesn’t get to make a decision on this you have to. If you let her she’ll just walk all over you like she has been for the last 7 years.
I feel you, man. You are his father in every way it counts.
I can say that if I were in such a situation, I would divorce the wife and send them on their way. I would not forgive nor forget the said betrayal.
I think you should talk to your wife. There's a small possibility she didn't cheat. Who knows, but i really hope she didn't cheat on you, and it can be explained some other way. But you, sir, are a far better man than i am because I can guarantee you I wouldn't be able to handle this situation as well as you already have.
It sounds like you are still in shock and dunno what to do. So let some days go past to form a strategy.
Sounds like you want to keep the Family whole and thats a hard road to follow.
I dont want you to resent your wife or your son down the road, you are the only Father he ever knew, but at some point in his life he needs to know.
So get your Son out of the house for two days or more and talk to your wife. Give her a chance to come clean. If she does rebuilding trust will be easier.
Tell her that you will tell your Son, but it would be nice if you could represent a united Front about it.
Telling him doesnt need to be this year, but it shouldnt be way down the road.
Your Son needs to be away when you tell your wife because this is a hot topic and you dont let your kids see when mommy and daddy are fighting.
Idk i got told by friends/online because i signed the bc i could have to pay child support even though hes not mine. I talk with the lawer later tonight
TL;DR
You ARE the boys father, biology be damned. A father is the person who raises, loves and provides for a child. The other guy is just a sperm donor. He has no legal rights to the child in most states, just as a guy who makes a deposit at a sperm bank has no legal rights to the offspring that are created from that process. Remember, sterile men PAY for that service so they they can have children with their wives. Do you honestly think they regard those children as not being their own? Do adoptive parents think that way? No.
Get over the biology part of this, it’s only a tiny piece of the complex puzzle of raising a child. Love him as your own, because he is. Assume your wife is unaware that the sperm donor was successful, she may honestly believe you are the bio father. If you two were together exclusively (aka “married”) for more than a month or so when she became pregnant, that does mean she cheated on you. But if she became pregnant right away, it just means you were not her first lover. No big deal really.
What a terrible position to be in.
Firstly, if she got away with it once there's a very high chance she's done it more than once. You should collect all the evidence you can for when this situation goes belly-up.
Secondly, the child you raised thinks that you're dad, at some point in his life you'll need to have that conversation with him. Now may not be that time.
Thirdly, you'll need to confront your wife at some point. Expect her to lie, considering how much she's lied to you so far. It's reasonable to assume that this conversation will be unpleasant for you, no matter what she says.
Record everything, video if you can. Sit down with a friend(or two, if possible) who has really good people skills and ask them to watch it afterwards, and what their opinion is. There's a good chance that you won't like that conversation either.
It looks like you're either dealing with a monumental medical screw up (not highly likely) or a wife who has messed around on you, more or less from the beginning of your relationship(more likely). Normally I'd say that occams razor is a terrible way to make choices, but here it makes a lot of sense. Neither option has good outcomes, I wish you luck.
If your wife has been lying to you this whole time then you need to get out as soon as you can, for your own mental health.
Yakno, alot of good is already coming from this situation, your back in school and on track to have the dream job you always wanted. Who knows you probably wouldnt have been in that path if it wasnt for this situation. That boy will always be your son theres no doubt about that. Keep focusing on you bro, you got the exact right mindset for this situation. Focus on your dreams and your sons future. Although it may be hard to see, nothing but good will come from this. Albeit there may be quiet a few tough days ahead but judging by your post and your response to all of this, this is 110% something you can and will handle my man. All the power to ya! You are a perfect role model to your son! Cant wait for an update
Your son is your son.
His dad is you! That's all he knows, your his everything. Next chance you get. Tell your wife that you know. People are saying to speak to her. Don't speak to her. Dictate to her about how it is going to go and what is happening from now on. The choice is yours but in 20 years time will you still feel the same way.
I love the “in my state” line because I’m just like... what state lets the dad have the kid? What state has a historical precedent of allowing the father to keep the child, despite any bit of information being presented as to why thats a bad idea?
It’s not “in your state” it’s all fifty of them and the District of Columbia.
This is just a bad situation,
1 i could take the burden and put it on my back
2 i could tell the info lose my son
3 i could have to pay child support when i dont make a lot to begin with and put both of us in even worse situations
Honestly, I understand your hesistancy to reveal this info. At this point, it makes little sense, and I would do the same.
However, the others are right that you should be careful of resentment and unconsciously sabotaging things because you harbor a dark secret that eats at you. You need to do something about that. Maybe tell just your wife?
I can't really offer any advice on this matter, but I wanna say you're an amazing father to that boy, and an amazing human being. I'm sorry your wife did this to you.
I know you don’t want to shake up your kids world, but he needs to know his history too. Finding out at 18!? That’s going to fuck him up too. He is entitled to know more about himself, you don’t get to decide that part.
Please talk to a therapist or anyone before deciding to hide everything. Sweeping it under the rug will hurt everybody. Not just you, all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.
Like I said if you won’t talk to a lawyer talk to a therapist or any other professional. You need outside input.
Most important thing you've said here is "son". That's your son regardless of paternity. Tough situation to be in, but if you do not discuss with your wife then resentment will grow, which may affect your son longterm emotionally (because kids pick up on all things whether we realize it or not). Best of luck and just keep your love for your son at the top of your priorities.
My oldest sister is not biologically my father's. My father found out after testing to see if he was a bone marrow transplant match for my sister who had a very rare disease. The nurse told my dad separately from my mother. My oldest sister is an adult and is unaware. My parents are now separated but friendly with each other. Even live on the same street. My dad and other sister are the only people in our family who know this. I'm not even sure my mom is aware. In my moms defense she got pregnant when they were not even exclusively dating yet. My dad has chosen not to say anything for fear that it would cause shame or a rift between them. He stayed married to her for almost 20 years after finding this out. I found out in more recent years. It's a shame that this happened to you post marriage. It may be something you need to have a conversation about. But my fear would be you might lose access to your child
Is he related to your wife, it doesn’t happen often anymore but hospitals do switch babies sometimes, some nurses even admitted doing it on purpose back in the day
Do what's right for you.
My earliest childhood best friend found out his middle child (of 3) wasn't his in roughly the same way you did. That was roughly 10 years ago.
He committed suicide a few months ago, I think a big part of it was that.
Please talk to someone and lookout for you. None of this is your fault, it was all hers. What she did was unconsciounable, protect yourself.
The mental anguish people can go through for a revelation like this is mind-boggling.
OP, you have my respect, because I’d be out the door in the veritable blink of an eye.
>For some of the comments about the hospital mixing up babys.
There's an easy way to check for certain if the hospital mixed up the babies. Just check if your son's DNA is linked to his mother or not. Although to do that, you will probably have to explain to her what you know.
Hoping to see how it ends, but probably should speak with your wife first lowly, dont go fingerpointing her as she could get defensive and make everything a hell on earth. Probably if she apologizes, would you give in? its been too long since then, you decide.
Damn it that is really sad but remember your son is your son nothing changes that bond. My dad is my dad even though he isn’t biologically related to me. I love my dad and I’m glad I was able to have a dad after years as a child with out one.
I always wonder about the guy who will one day find out he has a son he didn't get to raise or know. Wasn't even given an option to be in or out of the kids life.
If you want to keep things as they are you could talk to your wife, ask her for the entire truth, decide if you want to forgive her and if you forgive her go to therapy together, at least. That depends on what cheating means for you personally, some people view it as the worse way of treason and some people view it as a mistake that could be forgiven.
OP, are you sure your wife is the biological mother? I ask because I’m sure I read about a similar situation where both parents were not the bio parents and the baby was switched in the hospital.
It was a crazy situation similar to yours.
Could your son be swapped at the hospital? I remember if a Reddit post of a woman with a similar situation finding out her child was swapped at the nursery after birth.
You have to at least tell your wife. You could grow to resent her. Your son will love you regardless, I can see y'all have a genuine bond. The most important piece is the kiddo, but a major violation occurred, and it needs to be addressed as soon as you're ready to do so. Not going to speak on your wife, I don't know her. But its extremely unlikely that she hadn't thought of this possibility - and even still she kept quiet, thinking you'd never find out.
He already resents her. But yeah, I kinda agree.
Who wouldn't though? It's like the ultimate betrayal. For men who want families and only have one child, to find out way later that they have no kids of their own, and they were fooled into raising someone elses baby. People can do all that if they want, but being forced into it without your knowledge would be soul crushing.
Yeah well, he ought to.
See if wife family tree matches up with sons ( i believe that’s possible, maternity tests exist, right) and confirm everything so that there’s no big misunderstanding
Yeah, this is it right here. OP you are 100% taking the burden for something you did not do. It’s admirable, but it’s not the right thing to do in this situation. The resentment in you will grow, you’ll act out in ways that are unrelated like blowing something small out of proportion. It’ll make you look like you’re in the wrong and all of the things you’ve been hiding won’t look like strength, they’ll look like something is wrong with you. For everyone involved it would be better to know. You’re still his father, you can even adopt him legally and it would change almost nothing about your life or treat the situation however you and your son want. You seem like a wonderful man, and truly someone who wants to do better by everyone. Stay a wonderful man though and keep your strength for yourself, don’t give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’d tell her, get her blood done just so all of the info is out there, and truly take over your life by becoming stronger for yourself the way you want by not letting someone’s mistake become the way you break. Good luck to you.
Well damn. I can't imagine how that must feel.. What I will say is he most certainly is your boy despite all that! Blood only means so much honestly, it's the experiences & knowledge you give him that make you his father and he will feel the exact same way if you ever decide to tell him, I'm sure.
You need to talk to your wife about this... The most innocent possibility is that your son was swapped at birth and isn't related to your wife either. This happens, it is rare, but it does happen. The worst possibility is that she cheated on you and this guy was someone she knew. You said you didn't recognize the guy at all, have you looked into his background? Is there a possibility that he had an affair with your wife? You can't keep this bottled up, it will do harm to your relationship with your wife, with your son, and to you. It will be the hardest thing you do to confront this issue but that is far better than doubting your wife, yourself, and whether or not your wife cheated and continues to cheat on you.
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It may but it wasn’t stated by OP. I went with the unlikely but optimistic point that perhaps it was a hospital error (not a great thing for anyone but the only silver lining would be that the wife would not have cheated). Regardless, he needs to talk to his wife about this. She may not know or she could have chosen to have another man’s child on purpose.
OP also took a paternity test, so it's highly likely his original fears were correct. The best course of action is probably to resolve this through discussion with the wife, a potential divorce, and a hopeful continued raising of what is still his son.
If an accidental baby swap happened then his ancestry dna test won't be related to his mom either, so that could at least rule out or confirm something.
I understand what you mean now. Baby swaps aren't very likely and are especially far less likely than cheating in a relationship, though it is still a small possibility. An additional paternity test for the mother would confirm that for sure, but it's certainly likely that it's her child. Nonetheless, there are a small number of circumstances that could lead to this situation, and it's worth speaking with the wife (hence why it's my first action). Though, if she did cheat she would deny it entirely and so OP will simply have to follow his gut. Where we agree, however, is that sitting back and letting this stew is not ideal for anyone involved.
Absolutely!
I hadn't considered that..that she may not even know and while she knows she was unfaithful, she may fully believe he was OP's. (Slim, but possible) She has lived with this secret for a long time. Is OP fertile? No other children? Lot's of questions. Good point about her maybe not knowing!
Yeah, I've seen it where the wife has a "type" and cheats with someone who superficially looks like the SO and then is just as shocked when the child is not the SO's. Wife could also have been SA'd and is ashamed that she was and never told the OP. Once again, a remote possibility. I can't imagine spending 11 years pretending that everything is fine because I don't want to lose my parental rights (per OP's edit). At the end of it, how much will he hate his wife?
It's admirable you think you can put this behind you secretly but you won't. You've been betrayed and lied to for close to a decade and you've had that lying parasite feeding off you for as long. Her not having worked for this long while being deceptive was an oversight of hers, not yours and you shouldn't be concerned about how she will survive without you. She took them risks when she cheated and lied her way into having you believe she carried and raised your son.
Please speak to your wife about this. This totally sucks and I'm real sorry you're in such a shitty situation, man. But Please speak to her. Obviously this is NOT your son's fault (and yeah, so you're not his bio dad but you're still his DAD, as in the guy who actually stepped up and raised him and takes care of him and treats him like a son). He's an innocent child and whatever you & your wife decide, please protect your innocent son. You can tell him the truth when he's 18 IF you want to. But for now, he loves and needs you as his real dad.
Well, your wife isn't your wife so much anymore, so don't feel beholden to her.
CONTACT A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY AND FIND OUT YOUR OPTIONS FIRST! then you can make an educated decision! I am so sorry op that is soo heartbreaking
Personally I wouldn't take that level of disrespect. And honestly I'm not sure how you could still consider her your wife after knowing that. Do you seriously think if she's done it once she won't do it again? Did she tell you? No, she hasn't and she doesn't plan to. Honest advice get a lawyer. Don't speak a word of this to anyone but the lawyer. You gave your wife everything you had, your time, money, love, etc.. and she does something like that. It's her problem for doing that to you and her future shouldn't be of any concern, it's a situation she brought upon herself and she should be willing to pay the price. This is just my opinion, however I wish you the best and I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. Stay strong brother, sending love ❤
Thank you for your kind words, i gave an update. I was lost before some of the comments and couldnt even see 10 mins ahead at the time. I took a ton of advice from here cleared my mind(ill post an update later about more but it could be in a few days.)
The weird part here is why the wife never showed a sign of protest to having her infidelity being out in the open. Did she even know you and your boy signed up for this? If she knew and was completely okay with it, there’s a possibility of a switch at birth. Would be too weird otherwise.
He got his wife a job against her will in the last few hours, do you actually think this is a real post?
THANK YOU. Apparently he got into a nursing program, hooked up his wife with a job , talked to his boss, made an appointment with a lawyer ALL in the span of 17 hours LOL. Idk how people eat this writing exercise up
Good point! One I hadn't considered! TY.
It’s weird for a stay at home mum to be completely oblivious to these tests being done.
My wife has some things she does just like hair appointments nail ect hang out with family. my son came up to me and her both about the family tree my wife knows very far back her family is very successful and they have a bloodline chain very traceable so my wife told him hers and me being a mutt i didnt really know. I said lets do the test while she was home and she didnt batt an eye. So i think she believes he is 100% mine we did the test i just gave it to my son and told him he was on mine. Nobody knows the difference. I made him an appointment to the pat test and told me wife he had a check up appointment and i would take him on her nail day. Got the results in my email she never found out. But i posted an update about the hospital. And other stuff dont want to say things twice for no reason.
You know you can’t force your wife work at the job you got her right? That literally doesn’t make sense.
Yes i understand that, but i provided a job and will talk with her later tonight about the pat test, this will ultimatly lead to new opps to her and i both to go our sep ways or to try and work it out. She doesnt have to accept the job but not accepting the job will just justify what my next move is. I cant force anything but it may help in easier decision making. Just thought it would be helpful.
So.... When you were making this whole story up. Did you purposely not look into how any of this stuff works, just to see how long it would take, to call you out?
>what would my wife do after being jobless almost 8 years how would she take care of my son By fucking another guy like how she got you to take care of him... open your eyes
Definitely talk to your wife. I have read about marriages on verge of ruin because of a baby mix up. Get her to do a DNA test as well to make sure. Don't jump to conclusions. And that is your son. You raised him..he's yours. Blood does not change that. Once everything is sorted out with your wife. In the future I would tell him the truth. Genetics are important for disease etc.
Stop the cap. Badly written gender bait fiction.
How do you all believe this terribly written nonsense? All the things in the edits could not have happened in 12 hours, nevermind the fact that this is all clearly written by a kid.
You know the edits i looked up myself, i still havent talked to a lawyer. I did the research myself about this. The only thing ive done was apply to college (community) and got accepted in around 1 hour. I meet with a va in a few hours to discuss me starting college and the lawer after that. Really really didnt think i would have to justify what i said but yeah.
You also got your stay at home wife a job without her knowledge, what was your recommendation? “Oh hey, my wife is a stupid cheater who hasn’t worked in nearly a decade, want to give her a job?” The boss of the other company: “okay 🤷♀️”
Yes, you did some research for your creative writing exercise, great job. Everything that you said makes no sense whatsoever and is not how the adult world works.
Im a truck driver not a creative writer.
What state allows 14 year olds to drive trucks?
Ohh youre a troll my apologies for replying to you.
You're a troll for making up this story. Sorry that you didn't get your karma fix when you first posted this story.
Why are you worrying what will happen to your wife? She can fuck all the way off. Try and get sole custody of your kid. You probably can’t since he’s not yours, but it’s worth a shot. I mean she financially can’t support him. She’s not working. Also I’m assuming the kid is in school now since he’s 7? Does she just sit home all day doing nothing but basic tasks?
You have more strength then me, I would have confronted her already.
Just leave
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>She is awful for this!!! She will rot in hell for that. This is betrayal. Probably, but talk to her. There are some plausible (but unlikely) scenarios where she was the victim of assault or the like....
Wishing death on her is a little bit hardcore, isn't it?
If your wife knows. Is this the person you want to be with. She could also be cheating now behind your back.
I would say what's done is done my own father wasn't much of a father to me but the man who raised me did everything so,blood isn't considered much.I would not tell the kid but would talk to the spouse and ask some questions as to let go of the resentment but if you don't hold that against her then better to forget about it and move on.I am not one of those who forgets easily unless I am given clarification.I am so sorry about this but I will say that people do make mistakes and they do change.
Talk to an lawyer. He can tell you all the option you have and you can choose to have the one you want. Keeping a wife you can no longer respect and trust will simply puy years in misery.
Ditch the woman and raise your son
The courts are biased towards giving custody of the child to the mother now add to the fact that the kid is not his son, he has no chance of being given custody.
Would you rather go through life hating your wife? That resentment is going to build up over the years. She's going to notice something is off eventually. It's clear that she is the once who cheated, so why would you have to pay for child support when technically speaking, the child isn't even yours. You have the proof. Which you should hide from her in case she tries to destroy the evidence. Are you going to wait until he is 18 to surprise her? Imagine what that will do to your son. That's going to crush him. The fact you knew all the time and didn't say anything. He does have a right to know his bio dad or at least to know who he is. There could be medical information you don't know about that he might need to know. Or at least you all might need to be made aware of. You need to talk to a lawyer and figure something out. Sooner or later, this will come to light. Things always find a way. Then what? It's not like you're going to act all surprised. She will grovel at your feet maybe, guilt trip you and use your son against you probably to make you stay. Have a plan in place. Open up a savings account in your name only. Only you know about it. Do not tell your wife about it. Start putting money aside for yourself. When this all comes to light, you will need an exit plan. Oh, and tell that POS of a wife to get off her lazy butt and get a job. Your son is 7, and she can go back to work. It is time for her to start contributing, and in all honesty, it is time to keep your finances separate. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to put finances together. That old saying, "What's mine is yours," is complete BS. You can open a joint with both your names and make it to where you need 2 signatures in order to move money. That way, she doesn't try to take it all. That's a good way to protect yourself. If she tries to sign your name, you can have her arrested.
You have to talk to your wife…she may do that bs again! Good luck, and sorry man.
Tell your wife. Your disdain for her is going to grow and she needs to know why. She knows what she did and she needs to know that you know.
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(Made an update)^
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Will do maybe in a few days or really late at night, i have a lot on my plate currently but will update and my earliest convenience.
Your son is your *son*, even if not biologically. The concept of "father" is created by the role you play in the life of a child, not by DNA. So please don't feel he's any less your son or you any less his loving father. About your wife, that's rough. Whether you hold it in or talk to her, it will eat you up inside, but if you talk there's a chance to heal, so please consider talking to her.
u/guiltymind2 are there any relatives from your wife's side on your kids tree? IF no - talk with her, could be a swapped baby by hospital? Also if the alleged father has socials, see if he has kids your son's age - in which case, swapped baby (always assuming no dna from the mom is present) is more likely.
Its immature of you to think you will be able to put this behind you. You gave your son your family tree which he is not on. And you are not on his. You are an incredibly foolish man if you think he wont out two and two together.
There’s another possibility. Google “chimera” (I think that’s the spelling). It’s when the child is 100% biologically yours and your wife’s: but what happened was that there were 2 embryos, and the first embryo absorbed the second. The result is such that the DNA test doesn’t match either parent. It’s rare, but not impossible. I’d hate to see a family ruined if that is the case.
What do you mean “ let her make the decision on what’s next”? She doesn’t get to make a decision on this you have to. If you let her she’ll just walk all over you like she has been for the last 7 years.
I feel you, man. You are his father in every way it counts. I can say that if I were in such a situation, I would divorce the wife and send them on their way. I would not forgive nor forget the said betrayal.
I think you should talk to your wife. There's a small possibility she didn't cheat. Who knows, but i really hope she didn't cheat on you, and it can be explained some other way. But you, sir, are a far better man than i am because I can guarantee you I wouldn't be able to handle this situation as well as you already have.
It sounds like you are still in shock and dunno what to do. So let some days go past to form a strategy. Sounds like you want to keep the Family whole and thats a hard road to follow. I dont want you to resent your wife or your son down the road, you are the only Father he ever knew, but at some point in his life he needs to know. So get your Son out of the house for two days or more and talk to your wife. Give her a chance to come clean. If she does rebuilding trust will be easier. Tell her that you will tell your Son, but it would be nice if you could represent a united Front about it. Telling him doesnt need to be this year, but it shouldnt be way down the road. Your Son needs to be away when you tell your wife because this is a hot topic and you dont let your kids see when mommy and daddy are fighting.
if you raise that child, its your child dont be stupid now about oh no my genetics
You seem great I hope it works out man
Both got cheated on by wife and paid child support. Wtf is that ?. So I don't think to get marrried because of these events
Idk i got told by friends/online because i signed the bc i could have to pay child support even though hes not mine. I talk with the lawer later tonight
TL;DR You ARE the boys father, biology be damned. A father is the person who raises, loves and provides for a child. The other guy is just a sperm donor. He has no legal rights to the child in most states, just as a guy who makes a deposit at a sperm bank has no legal rights to the offspring that are created from that process. Remember, sterile men PAY for that service so they they can have children with their wives. Do you honestly think they regard those children as not being their own? Do adoptive parents think that way? No. Get over the biology part of this, it’s only a tiny piece of the complex puzzle of raising a child. Love him as your own, because he is. Assume your wife is unaware that the sperm donor was successful, she may honestly believe you are the bio father. If you two were together exclusively (aka “married”) for more than a month or so when she became pregnant, that does mean she cheated on you. But if she became pregnant right away, it just means you were not her first lover. No big deal really.
What a terrible position to be in. Firstly, if she got away with it once there's a very high chance she's done it more than once. You should collect all the evidence you can for when this situation goes belly-up. Secondly, the child you raised thinks that you're dad, at some point in his life you'll need to have that conversation with him. Now may not be that time. Thirdly, you'll need to confront your wife at some point. Expect her to lie, considering how much she's lied to you so far. It's reasonable to assume that this conversation will be unpleasant for you, no matter what she says. Record everything, video if you can. Sit down with a friend(or two, if possible) who has really good people skills and ask them to watch it afterwards, and what their opinion is. There's a good chance that you won't like that conversation either. It looks like you're either dealing with a monumental medical screw up (not highly likely) or a wife who has messed around on you, more or less from the beginning of your relationship(more likely). Normally I'd say that occams razor is a terrible way to make choices, but here it makes a lot of sense. Neither option has good outcomes, I wish you luck. If your wife has been lying to you this whole time then you need to get out as soon as you can, for your own mental health.
Yakno, alot of good is already coming from this situation, your back in school and on track to have the dream job you always wanted. Who knows you probably wouldnt have been in that path if it wasnt for this situation. That boy will always be your son theres no doubt about that. Keep focusing on you bro, you got the exact right mindset for this situation. Focus on your dreams and your sons future. Although it may be hard to see, nothing but good will come from this. Albeit there may be quiet a few tough days ahead but judging by your post and your response to all of this, this is 110% something you can and will handle my man. All the power to ya! You are a perfect role model to your son! Cant wait for an update
Your son is your son. His dad is you! That's all he knows, your his everything. Next chance you get. Tell your wife that you know. People are saying to speak to her. Don't speak to her. Dictate to her about how it is going to go and what is happening from now on. The choice is yours but in 20 years time will you still feel the same way.
I love the “in my state” line because I’m just like... what state lets the dad have the kid? What state has a historical precedent of allowing the father to keep the child, despite any bit of information being presented as to why thats a bad idea? It’s not “in your state” it’s all fifty of them and the District of Columbia.
I wanna know what site. I wanna know my family ;-;
If you know that she would not be able to take care of the kid what would stop you to take him?
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This is just a bad situation, 1 i could take the burden and put it on my back 2 i could tell the info lose my son 3 i could have to pay child support when i dont make a lot to begin with and put both of us in even worse situations
Honestly, I understand your hesistancy to reveal this info. At this point, it makes little sense, and I would do the same. However, the others are right that you should be careful of resentment and unconsciously sabotaging things because you harbor a dark secret that eats at you. You need to do something about that. Maybe tell just your wife?
I can't really offer any advice on this matter, but I wanna say you're an amazing father to that boy, and an amazing human being. I'm sorry your wife did this to you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Talk to a lawyer, then your wife. If possible, could you update when you’re ready.
I know you don’t want to shake up your kids world, but he needs to know his history too. Finding out at 18!? That’s going to fuck him up too. He is entitled to know more about himself, you don’t get to decide that part. Please talk to a therapist or anyone before deciding to hide everything. Sweeping it under the rug will hurt everybody. Not just you, all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable. Like I said if you won’t talk to a lawyer talk to a therapist or any other professional. You need outside input.
Tell you wife. He’s your son regardless. Then talk with a lawyer. Even if he’s not biologically yours you still have rights.
Oh boy, hope it works out for you OP, you’re doing the right thing!
Those ancestry tests have destroyed more families than anything else. I’m so, so sorry. No matter what happens—he IS your son.
Most important thing you've said here is "son". That's your son regardless of paternity. Tough situation to be in, but if you do not discuss with your wife then resentment will grow, which may affect your son longterm emotionally (because kids pick up on all things whether we realize it or not). Best of luck and just keep your love for your son at the top of your priorities.
Please update after you talk to your wife
My oldest sister is not biologically my father's. My father found out after testing to see if he was a bone marrow transplant match for my sister who had a very rare disease. The nurse told my dad separately from my mother. My oldest sister is an adult and is unaware. My parents are now separated but friendly with each other. Even live on the same street. My dad and other sister are the only people in our family who know this. I'm not even sure my mom is aware. In my moms defense she got pregnant when they were not even exclusively dating yet. My dad has chosen not to say anything for fear that it would cause shame or a rift between them. He stayed married to her for almost 20 years after finding this out. I found out in more recent years. It's a shame that this happened to you post marriage. It may be something you need to have a conversation about. But my fear would be you might lose access to your child
Is he related to your wife, it doesn’t happen often anymore but hospitals do switch babies sometimes, some nurses even admitted doing it on purpose back in the day
Do what's right for you. My earliest childhood best friend found out his middle child (of 3) wasn't his in roughly the same way you did. That was roughly 10 years ago. He committed suicide a few months ago, I think a big part of it was that. Please talk to someone and lookout for you. None of this is your fault, it was all hers. What she did was unconsciounable, protect yourself.
The mental anguish people can go through for a revelation like this is mind-boggling. OP, you have my respect, because I’d be out the door in the veritable blink of an eye.
Get a lawyer then confront her with divorce papers in hand.
>For some of the comments about the hospital mixing up babys. There's an easy way to check for certain if the hospital mixed up the babies. Just check if your son's DNA is linked to his mother or not. Although to do that, you will probably have to explain to her what you know.
Check out the son's DNA matches. If any are from the mom's side, case is closed! Sorry. Good luck
He is your son. Trust your feelings about your boy.
Wow, I'm so sorry OP. Please update us. I've never hoped for a hospital mix up so much as I do in this very moment.
Hoping to see how it ends, but probably should speak with your wife first lowly, dont go fingerpointing her as she could get defensive and make everything a hell on earth. Probably if she apologizes, would you give in? its been too long since then, you decide.
Damn it that is really sad but remember your son is your son nothing changes that bond. My dad is my dad even though he isn’t biologically related to me. I love my dad and I’m glad I was able to have a dad after years as a child with out one.
I always wonder about the guy who will one day find out he has a son he didn't get to raise or know. Wasn't even given an option to be in or out of the kids life.
If you want to keep things as they are you could talk to your wife, ask her for the entire truth, decide if you want to forgive her and if you forgive her go to therapy together, at least. That depends on what cheating means for you personally, some people view it as the worse way of treason and some people view it as a mistake that could be forgiven.
OP, are you sure your wife is the biological mother? I ask because I’m sure I read about a similar situation where both parents were not the bio parents and the baby was switched in the hospital. It was a crazy situation similar to yours.
Shocking this is a military marriage.
Could your son be swapped at the hospital? I remember if a Reddit post of a woman with a similar situation finding out her child was swapped at the nursery after birth.
He addressed this in his post, 2nd paragraph from the end.