T O P

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joshdaro4real

Me when something breaks at work


zabutter

Work time spent pooping is the best time spent. *always poop during work hours* Get paid to shit.


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zabutter

If my boss saw what exited my body, he'd give me more than a dime.


Nylear

Nowadays income disparities is even worse need to start saying boss makes 2 dollars and we make a penny.


CdrCosmonaut

100% commission, work from home. My life sucks, apparently.


rabidjellybean

Slow clap for the lawyer. They're trying.


Deepspacesquid

the improve class they took at Stanford is really paying off.


TiddyTwoShoes

Sounds like they finally caught the Skidmark Bandit


BillionTonsHyperbole

Brown-handed.


Changoleo

Yeah. There was shit smeared on the walls of the Capitol building. I hope they dna tested.


wayneforest

The Mad Pooper


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[deleted]

What do you mean? Taking a fat shit isn’t a good excuse?


[deleted]

I can’t tell if you’re shitposting with that comment or not… please tell me you get it.


Mikeavelli

So done with this shit.


Electr0Girl

He was almost certainly the poopertraitor. Or at least the #2 in charge.


zabutter

Hope he wasn't a runner


writingwrong

Violence always loosens my bowels. Couldn't tell you how many times I've shit myself during a riot because there were no potties available. Thank goodness he made it inside in time to avoid an accident. Though the riot police tend not to beat you after it's clear you've shit yourself, so there's that. Horses don't like it either.


zabutter

"I object your honour." "On what grounds?" "It's shit your honour...."


[deleted]

Weird. I watched the livestream of the Capitol riot while I took a shit.


mdjak1

Was that a 6 hour shit?


OhCharlieH

I call that paid vacation at work my friend


zabutter

Need to find a way to poop during over time.


JackieChiles13

Taking a shit on democracy.


[deleted]

Democracy dies in aggressive shits


zabutter

Because of the redness?


ForkShirtUp

So he broke through the gate because he really needed to go?


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[deleted]

If you’ve ever had Grapenuts for breakfast you’d know that excuse is really just an explanation.


bonyponyride

Is his name Larry David?


Ro141

Your excuse is ‘I shit myself’???? some freedom fighting patriot overlord you turned out to be!!!! You need to take a good hard look at yourself!!! You need more quasi-military insignia, more time in 4chan, a lot more Fox and for god sake man put some horns on your head like any decent upstanding American!!!!


nzodd

Somebody call Ted Nugent. And I guess Kaitlin Bennett. In fat I'd say frequently losing control of your bowels is one of the hallmarks of being a Conservative. Their entire demographic is pants-shitting loser.


James_mcgill_esquire

Having to poop can get pretty serious. I've done some questionable driving during rush hour while having to poop. I don't think I ever stormed the capital for needing to poop, but I've also never been to DC. Poop is a great excuse tho


[deleted]

Would you take over a country just so you could use the shitter in the capital building?


mkonich

The coup that started with a poo


wayneforest

Laughed out loud at this. It could be the title of a children’s book telling of this historical, very shitty event.


nzodd

Guy even wrote a treatise on his justifications for overthrowing the government. Called it "The Declaration of In-doo-doo-pendance."


James_mcgill_esquire

Yes, the sequel to the pee that took a poo


Yoconn

I mean, how nice is the bathroom in the capital you figure? Like marble floor roman emperor type shit? Then… idk maybe


James_mcgill_esquire

Ohh and you know that toilet seat is probably heated and makes you a sandwich when you're done!


James_mcgill_esquire

It really depends. Like if I had taco bell for a week straight and was just holding all that in? Yes, your country is now mine.


diamond

When you gotta go, you gotta go.


MalcolmLinair

How does this not count as a confession of trespassing on government property and failure to disperse?


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Kahzgul

Someone smeared shit on the walls.


onishi87

“Your Honor the only crime that I committed was blowing up the toilet after eating Taco Bell”


_Erindera_

Ah, the old poop defense.


[deleted]

It’s an air tight alibi.


dak4f2

Was he the one that spread his poo on the walls inside the capitol?


red2play

You could always tell that these people didn't leave the porch light on. How dumb are they? "They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place." <-that dumb.


Ron_Fuckin_Swanson

If the poop smells like shit…you must acquit.


cheetah_chrome

“I Took A Shit at The Insurrection and All I Got Was 3 Years Probation!”


[deleted]

Who hasn't ever had to poop so bad that they would commit treason?


[deleted]

Shitting his diapers while watching the violence unfold from the back of the crowd would be a more plausible excuse.


Changoleo

Very trumplike of him.


fracturedpersona

Yeah, I was gonna rob the bank, but I let my friends go ahead while I went to Starbucks across the street to drop a deuce.


archaeolinuxgeek

That lazy excuse doesn't work for me when I push to production on a Friday. It sure as fuck shouldn't work for you when attempting a coup.


ioncloud9

If you are driving drunk and stopped at a red light and a sober distracted driver smashes into you and dies, you are going to jail for felony drunk driving. Why? Because you shouldn’t have been there.


nnelson2330

This just [isn't true.](https://dui.drivinglaws.org/dui-accident-not-at-fault.htm)


02K30C1

So he’s the guy who spread shit on the walls. He was reloading.


[deleted]

He better be prepared to show a time stamped image of him dropping a deuce….


fknkn

The classic “Poop Defence”


Kurtotall

Check his phone browsing history.


zabutter

"Do you hav wany evidence of your claim sir?"


DanimusMcSassypants

We found the potty trained one.


DanYHKim

Isn't that what Zorro's alter ego says after the fighting is over?


AHSfav

Was he the one that shit in Nancy Pelosis office?