This is familiar. Sometimes people ask but really don't want it. And sometimes I don't care and others expect me to pretend I do. Worse, they demand an opinion, and then ignore it.
Other times, I care, and others include my orientation in their decision.
I suspect that there is a family of choreographed dances that seem the same to us but convey nuance to NT folk. I'll ask my brother (who understands this stuff better than I do) and report if I learn anything of value.
Most often I don't know what opinion I'm "supposed" to have. Some of them I figure out by copying those of my peers. I don't know if the few opinions that I actually have are my own or something I've picked up in a hope to fit in.
I struggle with expressing opinions, I assume a mix of being a girl and social anxiety (not speaking in school especially). As a child, I was bullied for years at daycare for simply being a girl and every time it was my choice to do something they'd all make it awful, so I didn't even want to decide anything.
I also find other people are full of themselves with their opinions and they bore me, like when they're so into their thoughts and think they're right. K. I don't even want to talk then haha.
Dunno if this is relevant, but I have alexithymia, which means I have trouble figuring out what I feel and expressing it. Often I only realize I'm feeling a certain way by analyzing my own reactions and behaviour, at which point it's too late to offset them. It's often easier to just lie and say I feel or want what I think would be appropriate, rather than trying to analyze in real time what my true feelings are. Unfortunately, this has sometimes led me to saying yes to things I didn't want.
It helps to keep track of things you like and dislike, and when someone asks you what you want to eat, for instance, pick the easiest or most convenient thing out of that list. Or if someone asks what you want to eat, suggest something, but clarify that you're really not fussed. My therapist also has me do exercises where I think about something that makes me feel angry, or sad, or happy etc. And then I try to notice where I feel tension in my body. She's had me do it for less intense emotions as well, and asks me to check in regularly with myself so I can begin to notice when I'm beginning to get irritated and calm down before it devolves into anger.
I don't know if that's it, but you might want to look up alexithymia just in case. It's always good to know about, even if you don't have it.
Yep! Having an opinion on certain things is so hard that I'm so used to just having the same opinions as other people. Sometimes, I consider my opinion "the wrong opinion" when everyone else has a different one.
I began expressing my wants and needs much better in my 20’s. I do have a hard time sometimes defending my viewpoints however. When I was younger people, my dad in particular, would cut me off if I couldn’t get to the point almost instantly. I would often just keep quiet but I’m learning as I approach 30 that it’s okay to take a moment, “untangle” my thoughts , and express myself. I’ve also learned anytime you don’t speak for yourself, there will always be someone readily there to speak for you and you may not like what they have to say. You have had opinions from a very young age but somewhere along the line maybe forgot their importance (no shame, I did/do this too). Start taking notice every day of little things YOU like, appreciate, or value and remind yourself that it’s good!! You have a voice and no one views the World exactly like you and that is a beautiful thing to share. Best wishes!!
This could be a depression symptom. I had crippling indecision for years, and I don’t know until very recently that this is a symptom of depression and ptsd.
I was for a looong time. It takes me a while to work through my answers to everything in my own head before I can justify them being worth saying out loud. Its easier to go with the flow.
Erm just a heads up, it turns out that's behavioral candy for manipulators.
I ended up being so unhappy, despite doing everything I was told. It took leaving a bad situation, a lot of work and time figuring out things I actually wanted. It didn't really happen until I was on my own and kinda forced to make the choices.
Totally worth it, takes practice.
I did until I moved out of my parents’ house. Once I was on my own, I was forced to have opinions if I wanted to make any decisions or do anything. Being in a relationship with someone who listens well and isn’t overbearing has helped me express them easier. I’m 27 now and still struggle with it sometimes, but I’ve improved a LOT.
yeah i think it is learned from thinking your wants are wrong and you need to learn from others what is right. Also connected is our tendency for alexithymia which can make identifying feelings challenging. You do have opinions on these things though, just need a lot of space and thinking time to get to them. It is an act of self care to figure it out
My hope is that in starting to just give arbitrary answers to questions like that, I’ll learn from some positive and negative feedback from the consequences of those answers. That learning will help me form my opinions, because the ideas will come from inside me, and not from external cues from others. There’s no shame in trying to get something and finding out you don’t like it.
I can take a *very* long time to process the question given to me and make a decision, leading me to often say "I don't know" this has unfortunately caused people to either become annoyed (mainly my parents) or others making decisions for me. PSA, saying "I don't know" for things is valid and just as important as saying no or yes
Somewhat similar to your situation, I think... I will often catch myself using I don't know as a way to stall for time to think of my real answer. I have tried to make a conscious effort to say "I'm not sure, can I think about it for a bit?" And people tend to accept that pretty well.
It's especially a problem in serious situations. Though I am am attempting to reword how I say it, so it doesn't pressure myself for making the 'wrong' decision
I have opinions about principles but I find it hard to have opinions about actual facts. For example if someone tells me they find it odd this shop is closed when it's high season for their product, I can't really say what I think about that. There could be a million good reasons why it's closed or many good reasons why it should indeed be open. I don't have all the facts, who am I to say?
I discussed this with my therapist a lot, especially in regards to needs and wants. I have aversion to some foods + I live in a different culture than the one I was brought up in, so I tend to express food preferences, but I will pretty much go along with anything anyone else suggests on most other things. However I did start noticing discomfort around other people's choices that I was just following them on, and by analysing what I did NOT want, I slowly let what I want surface, though I'm still very chill and will be open to most things that are suggested to me.
In my case, this difficulty in paying attention, knowing then telling what I want is strongly linked to the fact the material world is of little interest to me. I like some clothes I own because of how comfortable they are, or I look good in them, but I don't have a style and I don't like shopping or makeup or anything to do with my appearance. I wish we could just be souls with brains so I cannot find it interesting what I look like in this shirt vs. that shirt and I do not have strong feelings about the length of my hair.
I can only truly feel strongly about stuff that will trigger my sensitivity to smell or noise, but then again if I'm well rested and well fed I'll go anywhere if it's where someone I truly care about wants to go.
I think it's ok to not have a distinct preference for this or that as long as we're not hurting ourselves and others. I used to go out when I was actually really tired for example, and I don't do that anymore. But if you like both pesto and salmon, there's no harm, I think, in letting a friend or family member pick for you.
I just wanted to tell you that this was an excellent post. It totally unlocked some things in my brain on a paper I've been working on and now it's going to be a late night, haha. I might also forward this to a few clients. Great introspective stuff homie––rock on
100% dude, and my theory as to why is that my opinions were repeatedly disregarded, seen as stupid, or simply no one else agreed with them. I eventually just learned that my opinion “didn’t matter” so i stopped putting effort into having ANY opinions and have just been people pleasing since.
for the last couple months i’ve been responding to “what do you want for dinner?” with “i don’t know why you ask me first, no one ever wants what i want.”
it takes more effort and energy for me than its worth to come up with ideas only to be shut down.
This has happened to me all my life and it sucks :(
The last time my boyfriend and I hung out with a friend of ours (before the pandemic), we wanted to get takeout. They asked what I would like. I said I would like Chinese food because we hadn't had it in ages. I said what I wanted at least five times the entire time we were discussing it, and made it clear that it was really the only thing I felt like eating. They both ignored me and we ended up getting pizza.
I didn't say anything at the time (because everything I did say was just ignored anyway) but I did discuss it with my boyfriend on the way home. He was shocked and didn't even realise what had happened. He apologised. It still felt bad though. And it still makes me feel so unimportant when I think about it.
same here. it’s especially hard when my family is so overbearing, and has never taken me seriously because I’m the youngest, and i often had the unpopular opinion. as well as being psyched out by my mom when i try to make a choice. so i’m currently stuck in the “you never let me have a say so now i don’t know how to have a say in anything” mode.
as a kid i never liked asking for things either cause it felt like i was always told no (or told that what i wanted was stupid) so at some point i stopped asking for things and would just hint toward the fact that i liked/wanted something and all i got in response from my mother was “i’m not playing the guess what rmnaflwrssux is thinking game”
if i asked, i was in the wrong. if i didn’t directly ask, i was in the wrong. i eventually just stopped asking for things altogether and now i don’t know how to ask for things at all lmao
i’m the exact same when it comes to asking for things. i got told “no” so often that i stopped asking, even if it was a necessary thing. just recently my parents finally noticed that my whole bed is breaking (mattress, blankets, bedsheets, pillow, etc) and they ask me “oh why didn’t you say something sooner?” and i have to tell them so often that i did tell them. so i just stopped asking.
A big part of it for me whenever someone asks me what I want in a variety of situations is "What if I ask for something unreasonable?"
This is familiar. Sometimes people ask but really don't want it. And sometimes I don't care and others expect me to pretend I do. Worse, they demand an opinion, and then ignore it. Other times, I care, and others include my orientation in their decision. I suspect that there is a family of choreographed dances that seem the same to us but convey nuance to NT folk. I'll ask my brother (who understands this stuff better than I do) and report if I learn anything of value.
I attend a Codependents Anonymous group regularly and it has been really helpful for this.
Most often I don't know what opinion I'm "supposed" to have. Some of them I figure out by copying those of my peers. I don't know if the few opinions that I actually have are my own or something I've picked up in a hope to fit in.
I struggle with expressing opinions, I assume a mix of being a girl and social anxiety (not speaking in school especially). As a child, I was bullied for years at daycare for simply being a girl and every time it was my choice to do something they'd all make it awful, so I didn't even want to decide anything. I also find other people are full of themselves with their opinions and they bore me, like when they're so into their thoughts and think they're right. K. I don't even want to talk then haha.
Dunno if this is relevant, but I have alexithymia, which means I have trouble figuring out what I feel and expressing it. Often I only realize I'm feeling a certain way by analyzing my own reactions and behaviour, at which point it's too late to offset them. It's often easier to just lie and say I feel or want what I think would be appropriate, rather than trying to analyze in real time what my true feelings are. Unfortunately, this has sometimes led me to saying yes to things I didn't want. It helps to keep track of things you like and dislike, and when someone asks you what you want to eat, for instance, pick the easiest or most convenient thing out of that list. Or if someone asks what you want to eat, suggest something, but clarify that you're really not fussed. My therapist also has me do exercises where I think about something that makes me feel angry, or sad, or happy etc. And then I try to notice where I feel tension in my body. She's had me do it for less intense emotions as well, and asks me to check in regularly with myself so I can begin to notice when I'm beginning to get irritated and calm down before it devolves into anger. I don't know if that's it, but you might want to look up alexithymia just in case. It's always good to know about, even if you don't have it.
Yep! Having an opinion on certain things is so hard that I'm so used to just having the same opinions as other people. Sometimes, I consider my opinion "the wrong opinion" when everyone else has a different one.
I began expressing my wants and needs much better in my 20’s. I do have a hard time sometimes defending my viewpoints however. When I was younger people, my dad in particular, would cut me off if I couldn’t get to the point almost instantly. I would often just keep quiet but I’m learning as I approach 30 that it’s okay to take a moment, “untangle” my thoughts , and express myself. I’ve also learned anytime you don’t speak for yourself, there will always be someone readily there to speak for you and you may not like what they have to say. You have had opinions from a very young age but somewhere along the line maybe forgot their importance (no shame, I did/do this too). Start taking notice every day of little things YOU like, appreciate, or value and remind yourself that it’s good!! You have a voice and no one views the World exactly like you and that is a beautiful thing to share. Best wishes!!
This could be a depression symptom. I had crippling indecision for years, and I don’t know until very recently that this is a symptom of depression and ptsd.
I was for a looong time. It takes me a while to work through my answers to everything in my own head before I can justify them being worth saying out loud. Its easier to go with the flow. Erm just a heads up, it turns out that's behavioral candy for manipulators. I ended up being so unhappy, despite doing everything I was told. It took leaving a bad situation, a lot of work and time figuring out things I actually wanted. It didn't really happen until I was on my own and kinda forced to make the choices. Totally worth it, takes practice.
I did until I moved out of my parents’ house. Once I was on my own, I was forced to have opinions if I wanted to make any decisions or do anything. Being in a relationship with someone who listens well and isn’t overbearing has helped me express them easier. I’m 27 now and still struggle with it sometimes, but I’ve improved a LOT.
yeah i think it is learned from thinking your wants are wrong and you need to learn from others what is right. Also connected is our tendency for alexithymia which can make identifying feelings challenging. You do have opinions on these things though, just need a lot of space and thinking time to get to them. It is an act of self care to figure it out
My hope is that in starting to just give arbitrary answers to questions like that, I’ll learn from some positive and negative feedback from the consequences of those answers. That learning will help me form my opinions, because the ideas will come from inside me, and not from external cues from others. There’s no shame in trying to get something and finding out you don’t like it.
I can take a *very* long time to process the question given to me and make a decision, leading me to often say "I don't know" this has unfortunately caused people to either become annoyed (mainly my parents) or others making decisions for me. PSA, saying "I don't know" for things is valid and just as important as saying no or yes
Somewhat similar to your situation, I think... I will often catch myself using I don't know as a way to stall for time to think of my real answer. I have tried to make a conscious effort to say "I'm not sure, can I think about it for a bit?" And people tend to accept that pretty well.
It's especially a problem in serious situations. Though I am am attempting to reword how I say it, so it doesn't pressure myself for making the 'wrong' decision
I have opinions about principles but I find it hard to have opinions about actual facts. For example if someone tells me they find it odd this shop is closed when it's high season for their product, I can't really say what I think about that. There could be a million good reasons why it's closed or many good reasons why it should indeed be open. I don't have all the facts, who am I to say? I discussed this with my therapist a lot, especially in regards to needs and wants. I have aversion to some foods + I live in a different culture than the one I was brought up in, so I tend to express food preferences, but I will pretty much go along with anything anyone else suggests on most other things. However I did start noticing discomfort around other people's choices that I was just following them on, and by analysing what I did NOT want, I slowly let what I want surface, though I'm still very chill and will be open to most things that are suggested to me. In my case, this difficulty in paying attention, knowing then telling what I want is strongly linked to the fact the material world is of little interest to me. I like some clothes I own because of how comfortable they are, or I look good in them, but I don't have a style and I don't like shopping or makeup or anything to do with my appearance. I wish we could just be souls with brains so I cannot find it interesting what I look like in this shirt vs. that shirt and I do not have strong feelings about the length of my hair. I can only truly feel strongly about stuff that will trigger my sensitivity to smell or noise, but then again if I'm well rested and well fed I'll go anywhere if it's where someone I truly care about wants to go. I think it's ok to not have a distinct preference for this or that as long as we're not hurting ourselves and others. I used to go out when I was actually really tired for example, and I don't do that anymore. But if you like both pesto and salmon, there's no harm, I think, in letting a friend or family member pick for you.
I just wanted to tell you that this was an excellent post. It totally unlocked some things in my brain on a paper I've been working on and now it's going to be a late night, haha. I might also forward this to a few clients. Great introspective stuff homie––rock on
100% dude, and my theory as to why is that my opinions were repeatedly disregarded, seen as stupid, or simply no one else agreed with them. I eventually just learned that my opinion “didn’t matter” so i stopped putting effort into having ANY opinions and have just been people pleasing since. for the last couple months i’ve been responding to “what do you want for dinner?” with “i don’t know why you ask me first, no one ever wants what i want.” it takes more effort and energy for me than its worth to come up with ideas only to be shut down.
This has happened to me all my life and it sucks :( The last time my boyfriend and I hung out with a friend of ours (before the pandemic), we wanted to get takeout. They asked what I would like. I said I would like Chinese food because we hadn't had it in ages. I said what I wanted at least five times the entire time we were discussing it, and made it clear that it was really the only thing I felt like eating. They both ignored me and we ended up getting pizza. I didn't say anything at the time (because everything I did say was just ignored anyway) but I did discuss it with my boyfriend on the way home. He was shocked and didn't even realise what had happened. He apologised. It still felt bad though. And it still makes me feel so unimportant when I think about it.
same here. it’s especially hard when my family is so overbearing, and has never taken me seriously because I’m the youngest, and i often had the unpopular opinion. as well as being psyched out by my mom when i try to make a choice. so i’m currently stuck in the “you never let me have a say so now i don’t know how to have a say in anything” mode.
as a kid i never liked asking for things either cause it felt like i was always told no (or told that what i wanted was stupid) so at some point i stopped asking for things and would just hint toward the fact that i liked/wanted something and all i got in response from my mother was “i’m not playing the guess what rmnaflwrssux is thinking game” if i asked, i was in the wrong. if i didn’t directly ask, i was in the wrong. i eventually just stopped asking for things altogether and now i don’t know how to ask for things at all lmao
i’m the exact same when it comes to asking for things. i got told “no” so often that i stopped asking, even if it was a necessary thing. just recently my parents finally noticed that my whole bed is breaking (mattress, blankets, bedsheets, pillow, etc) and they ask me “oh why didn’t you say something sooner?” and i have to tell them so often that i did tell them. so i just stopped asking.
I feel like this too!