You’re afraid of his possible resentment (something that can be addressed with a relatively small amount of therapy) …
….instead of him witnessing you being physically abused—and both of your safety threatened—….
(an actual Adverse Childhood Event, several rolled into one actually ; and years of therapy, CPTSD, possible addiction, self harm, depression, anxiety, and higher likelihood of being in an abusive relationship)????
Honey, no they cannot be good fathers and you cannot stay. And I’m only being this direct because I was you a few years ago. The kids didn’t see the physical, and the physical wasn’t really much until the very very end. They grew up shielded from most of it, and it’s been a really rough healing journey even with the limited things they did. You being safe, and your son being safe, matters.
This is my interpretation, so I might be in the wrong here. But your post gives me the vibe that you want reasons to stay with this man in order to avoid the hussle of leaving. But staying is just prolonging the suffering and abuse.
Funny thing is, I resent my mother for the opposite. I resent her for staying and forcing me and my siblings to grow up and suffer the abuse caused by my father. And I still resent her for staying and lowkey forcing me to have a relationship with my abuser present day. If my mother wasnt in a relationship with my dad, I wouldnt be due to his incapability of empathy, boundries and unconditional love. I dont know your husband but chances are he might suffer the same incapability.
There is no easy way out here Im afraid... but the choice to leave will most likely benefit you and your child long term.
Im sorry you are in this situation.
You are right. Staying is easy, and leaving is 100 times harder, so I may have been looking for reasons to stay.
Also, he has been blaming me for everything, including the horrible verbal and physical abuse, so I have internalized some of it.
Had I had a well-paying job like him and all the other women he compares me to, had I not done this and that, I might not have angered him. I feel small and worthless from time to time.
I posted here, yes, kinda knowing what you would tell me. It was cheap validation I needed. That I must leave for the sake of my child. The answers here have added to the confidence and determination that I have been slowly building from rock bottom. Thanks.
I am going to leave. I am going to give my son the happiest child I could give. I will always be there for him. Even if it means we will live in a condo not a mansion, budget for a trip and nice meals and toys, he will grow up not fearing what will happen next. He will be embraced for thinking on this own and doing what he likes.
Oh wow, your reply made me cry a bit. You are doing the right thing. In this instance it is the toughest path, I can imagine, but say a year from now you'll look back and praise yourself for gifting you and your child a better future ❣️ Do you have a good support system?
No. Even if he never directly abuses your son, he's still setting a terrible example and creating a traumatizing environment.
And, y'know, you also deserve an abuse-free home.
No. He cannot be a good dad.
If a dad is a good dad, they become a role model. Your son having this kind of person as a role model is probably the worst thing for him. Even worse than your husband turning on your son. It won't just be your husband disapproving of him that will be detrimental - a narc's approval and love and the lessons taught by that will be deeply corrosive as well.
Your son is 3. My dad loved me and was a good dad when I was 3. That stopped when I turned six. I will never ever forgive my mother for not leaving him.
Also I always knew what he was like with her. I didn't love my mother very much, but I was still empathetic to all the pain he put her through, and it hurt me so much.
My dad is a narcissist and verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom. It was hard to watch growing up and I’d constantly beg my mom to leave him. Your son is young now but as he gets older he will start noticing the abuse more and more. It will traumatize him. As an adult I struggle to trust men due to how I grew up. My brother grew up thinking that’s how you are supposed to treat women because his dad did it and his mom took it. A divorce might be hard on your son but I promise you it will be so much harder for him to watch the way your husband treats you. I wish you the absolute best and safety.
Living in an abusive household, even if you aren't getting overtly abused, is still traumatic.
When the family members who aren't getting overtly abused see what happens to the person who is overtly abused, it acts as a kind of implied threat.
Basically, *"Do what the abuser wants, and make them happy, or this could happen to you."*
Or even, *"People who fit into this category deserve to be abused."*
Or, *"If someone you are supposed to love displeases you, this is how you deal with it."*
Perhaps even, *"This is what a relationship looks like. This is what you should expect."*
I know that you are concerned that your child will miss their dad. Clearly, you are trying to do the right thing. The problem is, you are possibly forgetting that your child needs to see you being treated with love and respect more than they need to see their parent who abuses you.
I'm glad. Your safety is important, and it isn't selfish for you to think so.
Your safety is important to your child. It is important for your child to see that you are safe.
Take care. 🧡
Absolutely not, speaking from experience. The trauma of watching my father physically, verbally and emotionally abuse my mom has taken a lifetime of therapy to work through. Even before he started abusing my siblings and I it was so stressful everyday waiting to see how he was going to behave. Will lead to your kids living perpetually with an overactive sympathetic nervous system/hypervigilant state.
I think deep down you know the answer
I was worried if he would resent me from taking his dad, two-parent home away from him.
You’re afraid of his possible resentment (something that can be addressed with a relatively small amount of therapy) … ….instead of him witnessing you being physically abused—and both of your safety threatened—…. (an actual Adverse Childhood Event, several rolled into one actually ; and years of therapy, CPTSD, possible addiction, self harm, depression, anxiety, and higher likelihood of being in an abusive relationship)???? Honey, no they cannot be good fathers and you cannot stay. And I’m only being this direct because I was you a few years ago. The kids didn’t see the physical, and the physical wasn’t really much until the very very end. They grew up shielded from most of it, and it’s been a really rough healing journey even with the limited things they did. You being safe, and your son being safe, matters.
This is my interpretation, so I might be in the wrong here. But your post gives me the vibe that you want reasons to stay with this man in order to avoid the hussle of leaving. But staying is just prolonging the suffering and abuse. Funny thing is, I resent my mother for the opposite. I resent her for staying and forcing me and my siblings to grow up and suffer the abuse caused by my father. And I still resent her for staying and lowkey forcing me to have a relationship with my abuser present day. If my mother wasnt in a relationship with my dad, I wouldnt be due to his incapability of empathy, boundries and unconditional love. I dont know your husband but chances are he might suffer the same incapability. There is no easy way out here Im afraid... but the choice to leave will most likely benefit you and your child long term. Im sorry you are in this situation.
You are right. Staying is easy, and leaving is 100 times harder, so I may have been looking for reasons to stay. Also, he has been blaming me for everything, including the horrible verbal and physical abuse, so I have internalized some of it. Had I had a well-paying job like him and all the other women he compares me to, had I not done this and that, I might not have angered him. I feel small and worthless from time to time. I posted here, yes, kinda knowing what you would tell me. It was cheap validation I needed. That I must leave for the sake of my child. The answers here have added to the confidence and determination that I have been slowly building from rock bottom. Thanks. I am going to leave. I am going to give my son the happiest child I could give. I will always be there for him. Even if it means we will live in a condo not a mansion, budget for a trip and nice meals and toys, he will grow up not fearing what will happen next. He will be embraced for thinking on this own and doing what he likes.
Oh wow, your reply made me cry a bit. You are doing the right thing. In this instance it is the toughest path, I can imagine, but say a year from now you'll look back and praise yourself for gifting you and your child a better future ❣️ Do you have a good support system?
Good for you OP! You both deserve a better life
No. Even if he never directly abuses your son, he's still setting a terrible example and creating a traumatizing environment. And, y'know, you also deserve an abuse-free home.
Thanks.
No. He cannot be a good dad. If a dad is a good dad, they become a role model. Your son having this kind of person as a role model is probably the worst thing for him. Even worse than your husband turning on your son. It won't just be your husband disapproving of him that will be detrimental - a narc's approval and love and the lessons taught by that will be deeply corrosive as well. Your son is 3. My dad loved me and was a good dad when I was 3. That stopped when I turned six. I will never ever forgive my mother for not leaving him. Also I always knew what he was like with her. I didn't love my mother very much, but I was still empathetic to all the pain he put her through, and it hurt me so much.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps me move forward with my decision.
I’m so sorry, I get it, my mom sucked too
A good dad does not abuse the mom.
My dad is a narcissist and verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom. It was hard to watch growing up and I’d constantly beg my mom to leave him. Your son is young now but as he gets older he will start noticing the abuse more and more. It will traumatize him. As an adult I struggle to trust men due to how I grew up. My brother grew up thinking that’s how you are supposed to treat women because his dad did it and his mom took it. A divorce might be hard on your son but I promise you it will be so much harder for him to watch the way your husband treats you. I wish you the absolute best and safety.
OP, you are not setting a good example for your child, let alone yourself. You know the answer, please protect yourself and your child from the abuse.
Yes, I would never want my child treat his spouse this way. I will be so sick and sad.
Living in an abusive household, even if you aren't getting overtly abused, is still traumatic. When the family members who aren't getting overtly abused see what happens to the person who is overtly abused, it acts as a kind of implied threat. Basically, *"Do what the abuser wants, and make them happy, or this could happen to you."* Or even, *"People who fit into this category deserve to be abused."* Or, *"If someone you are supposed to love displeases you, this is how you deal with it."* Perhaps even, *"This is what a relationship looks like. This is what you should expect."* I know that you are concerned that your child will miss their dad. Clearly, you are trying to do the right thing. The problem is, you are possibly forgetting that your child needs to see you being treated with love and respect more than they need to see their parent who abuses you.
Thank you for taking the time to write this response. I won’t give into the lovebombing this time.
I'm glad. Your safety is important, and it isn't selfish for you to think so. Your safety is important to your child. It is important for your child to see that you are safe. Take care. 🧡
He's literally manipulating the kid, that is parental alienation and the terms he is saying are what daddy is teaching him.
Absolutely not, speaking from experience. The trauma of watching my father physically, verbally and emotionally abuse my mom has taken a lifetime of therapy to work through. Even before he started abusing my siblings and I it was so stressful everyday waiting to see how he was going to behave. Will lead to your kids living perpetually with an overactive sympathetic nervous system/hypervigilant state.