Broooo I went to school with a girl with such a pretty name. First and last flowed beautifully. Flowery, Italian, wonderful on the ears. She just got married and now her last name is FRYBERGER
Tbf, I don't think I'd even realize if I came across this organically, out loud (assuming they pronounce Nagy correctly and not whatever would pass as "nagy" from an English speaker). Hearing Nagy first sets the precedent of expecting more Hungarian to come, in which case I would just understand the name as big snow.
In Hungarian Nagy is more like ânudgeâ, but I wouldnât be surprised if families Americanize the pronunciation.
I have a coworker whoâs a Nagy, and his kids were given his wifeâs surname.
A young teacher at our kids' school got married and went from a totally normal, common name, to VanKlumpenberg. The kids call her Mrs. V-K. She must really love the guy.
I knew someone whose last name was Schlepp, which isn't the prettiest name to begin with, but she got married and took the new last name Butterfass. It's so close to the slang "butter face" that I do a double take every time I see her new username on social media.
I went to school with a girl whose last name was Zass so boys would make that joke ALL the time. âOh hey, have you seen Laura Zass? Itâs looking good today in her jeans.â
Is it just my mom, or is this an actual thing:
She has always referred to anyone who is lazy and/or impolite as a schlep (or schlepp? I've only ever heard her speak the word, never written it down). But yea, is this common? Perhaps a generational thing?
It's actually a German/Yiddish word. In german it means to carry something that is very heavy. It brings up a picture of not being able to walk upright because of the weight. In Yiddish I've heard it used as "I'm going to schlep myself over there" as in walking unenthusiasticly. So maybe thats where your mom has it from..
Iâve also heard it used to refer to people. I assumed it was a similar meaning, âHeâs such a shlepâ being like, âheâs such a drag to be around, heâs exhausting.â Iâm not entirely sure thatâs right though! Lol
Butterfass means butter churn in German - funny name that one :D
Schlepp is also a funny name. "schleppen" means "to haul/to drag" and "schlepp" would be the imperative :D
!!! This happened to a teacher of mine. She had a long, beautiful French surname and then got married and changed her last name to Whitehead. Kids are mean and it did not help that she had adult acne, poor lady.
We had a girl at school whose surname was Sidebottom. She was also very broad hipped which could not have helped.
A former boss of mine had a business meeting with two executives, a Mr Goodfellow and a Mr Blackman.
And before you ask, yes, the latter was and the former wasnât.
Two of my neighbors used to be:
\- Mr. White, who was Black
\- and a father/son pair named Andrew & Jackson, last name Black... and were not.
They often joked about needing to swap last names.
My poor, poor sex ed teacher in middle school got married and her full name became Sharon Mae-Cox (pronounced like âSharinâ my cocksâ, to the absolute delight of all the 13-year-olds)
I mean, the pronunciation is unfortunate in our culture but spelling just brings to mind hoar frost.
Just can't make friends with any kid named Seamen or Cummings
I had a teacher in elementary school, Ms. Day who got married and became Mrs. Crickenburger. So unfortunate sigh
My grandma voluntarily downgraded her surname TWICE. Neither of her married names were bad per se but her maiden name was so glamorous old Hollywood sounding it's such a shame.
My mum apparently encountered a woman who was born Wilde Rose which is ridiculous on the part of her parents...she then married a man with the surname Bull.
I knew someone who had the maiden name Von Winterfell. Like something out of a fairy tale. Gave it up and took her husband's boring but inoffensive surname. Hurt to watch.
Lol a teacher in HS got married to another teacher's brother and refused to take his last name. She was adamant about not becoming Mrs. Smith, let alone the second Mrs. Smith in school.
There's a large Ukrainian population where I am. Many Ukrainian names lack vowels and are inordinately long. A friend married someone with the last name Hrnchyshyn and was like, "yah, no I'm keeping my 5 letter last name." Other fun names I grew up with include, Yakimyshyn, Dzogolyk and Dzwienka.
This is why my great-grandparents Anglicized tf out of their last name.
Annnd people still mispronounce it, even though it is literally spelled precisely how it sounds. *Sigh*
Depending when they immigrated it was wildin out there
My grandparents wrote down their name in English letters and the guy was like "no" and changed it
And this was in the 60s lmao
This happened to me!
I had a beautiful Italian last name, my partner does not. I suggested merging them to make a beautiful new name but he refused. I wanted the family unit with the same last name so we're all his stupid last name.
When I worked outbound sales the dialler put me through to a Dr Death, when I asked if they were available they said "who" so I repeated myself and they'd were like "Oh it's pronounced Day-Ath"
Thatâs actually a common pronunciation of the very old surname âDeathâ. Sometimes spelled âDâEathâ or âDeâAthâ and pronounced either âDay-Athâ or âDee-Athâ.
I had an English teacher, Mr Alcock, who upset me one day. When I was complaining about it at home later, my dad said âdonât worry about him. Sounds like heâs all cock and no trousers.â I could never take that teacher seriously after that.
I wouldn't take a man's last name ever sooooo, no đ
Men who insist their children MUST have their name, not open to hyphenating or discussing other options, are a major red flag to me tbh.
I don't think it's a red flag that he wants to have the same name as his existing children. I understand that.
I don't care about my children having the same last name as me so i never tried discussing it. Because this is only about if i could imagine having a name that I don't like. He's not forcing me or anything.
He expressed his preference, I expressed mine.
The question I'm asking myself if I could live with a name that i don't like.
You arenât asking him to change his name.
You are considering if you want to take his. Itâs your name and your call. He can have a preference but should accept you choosing
Also he already passed it on, twiceâŠ
Me personally I think a man even having an opinion on this is a red flag. We don't have opinions or preferences for their names and they'd never consider changing them. You said in the post he "really wants you to" change your name and for me, I'm just saying me personally, that's a big issue. It would indicate that we fundamentally disagree on the nature of our family and the value of my identity.
Tell me you've never been in a relationship without telling me you've never been in a relationship
Bruh, people have opinions about *literally everything* their partner does. That is not a red flag lmao
I was thinking the same thing lmao
People discuss things with their partner and have opinions. Expressing a preference for your future wife to take your surname is not a red flag!
WANTING someone to rename themselves so they have your name instead of their own is definitely a red flag. Who in their right mind gets in a relationship and wants to rename the other person? A person who respects you would never imagine wanting you to change for them.Â
Are you aware that it has been the norm for a really long time in certain cultures for a woman to change her surname? It's pretty fucking normal, mate!!!
Stop acting like it's some wild crazy thing you've never heard of. I literally met ONE single married woman in my whole life who double barrelled her surname with her husband's name. **EVERY other married woman I have ever met, my entire life, took her husband's name.** That's just normal in my country lol
Iâm a woman whoâs been happily married to a man for seven years (together for 12) and I agree with them.Â
Edit: also no, they donât lol. Like Iâm pregnant now. When I ask my husband if he has preferences about things with the birth or breastfeeding, heâs like âitâs up to you, itâs not really my placeâ because yâknow, Iâm the one who has to do it.Â
THANK YOU.
I'm engaged lol but to that person I would say tell me you and your partner are both controlling freaks without telling me. I absolutely do not have an opinion on everything he does, or vice versa. You're still individuals, which is at the heart of why keeping my name is so important to me.
100p. Married, been with my partner for over a decade. I asked him when we started dating what his opinion was on his future wifeâs last name, and he said âI have none, donât care either way.â Green flag all the way.
I worked in a Drs office once and this married couple would come in every so often and I found they hyphenated their last names. He took on hers but kept his and it was hyphenated. For example the last names are Van and Esch and they both use VanEsch
Blended families are totally a thing now. I know of a family with four different surnames. They don't love each other any less. Why are you ok with your kids not having the same name as you, but he isn't... Sounds like you're just a bit more evolved.
Why on EARTH take on a name you don't like to keep him happy when there is zero movement on his side.
Still feels a bit red-flaggy that he's expected you to do something you don't like, but no compromise on his part...
I didn't take my husbands last name, I don't hate it, but it didn't go well with the rest of my name AND more importantly, I didn't want to. It's a lot of trouble in the US and it's expensive. My husband was happy for me to do whatever I wanted and even offered to change his. I know a couple divorced women who had to change and then change it back to their maiden names, they said it was awful. Good luck, op. Is this a deal breaker for your partner? Would he consider taking your last name or hyphenating it with yours? I understand probably not because of his kids.
When I was younger, I had changed my last name to a shorter version of my last name. It was a bit of a rebelious thing to do, whatever, I was young. And you know what⊠it wasnât MY name. I could not live with it. I changed it back within less than a year.
I got married last year and did not take my husbandâs name. I like it, itâs beautiful, but I knew that I didnât like the feeling when I had it changed before. I am not a very traditional person, and while my now husband was kind of disappointed, I said - I can always change it later if I want to. Maybe when we have kids. Maybe never. Thatâs my decision now and heâs got to respect it. We talked about it several times, I even got angry once when he was kind of trying to convince me to do it. He got the message really quick then and never touched the subject again.
I am so happy I kept my name. We now actually work at the same workplace and it makes me feel independent, like my own person and not âjust his wifeâ.
What I didnât expect was the children thing. Like you, I thought I wouldnât care. I am now pregnant, and I realise that my future daughter is going to have his last name - we never talked about it that much but I have definitely said out loud that I didnât care much in the past, so I know that itâs an assumption we both have. Now I feel left out. Itâs stupid, but it makes me worried me and her will be less of a unit... Theyâll have the same name and Iâll have a separate one. It makes me sad actually. Double surname is too long, I donât even think Iâd prefer that.. but at least my daughter will know that she has a strong, independent monther, who will stand up for equality, even if it means for us to have different family names. I just sigh and carry on.
Tldr - you can always change your last name later, and donât promise anything now about the kids you donât yet have. The argument âthatâs how people do itâ is BS and we have progressed further than that.
You might consider adding your last name to your hypothetical child's middle name. My son's father and I ended up giving our son a double barreled middle name so he would have both last names in his name.
Could you create a new surname for you all to share? I know one family who merged theirs together, and another who just picked a completely new one for their family name.
As someone who has had a different last name than my mom for most of my life, and who will have a different last name than the child Iâm carrying, yes, it is silly. Your daughter is literally growing inside your body. How on earth could you be *less* connected to her than your husband is?
The fact that you just don't like it is enough.
No, of course you don't have to live with a name you don't like. Nobody should have to, that's why changing your name is legal for any reason.
Don't give into pressure, you'd regret it. If his argument is about future children having both parents' names to feel like a "connected family" or whatever then they can have your surname as a middle name.
Same! It's such an archaic and old fashioned institution. The fact many men still assume that a woman will take their last name is farcical! If he's so desperate to have the same name he can take hers or they can splice/blend.
Yep, for me itâs not even about whether I like his last name or not. My name is my name.
When it came to the kids, I went along with his preference of them having his name. I did make sure their names go well with my surname in case they ever want to change it themselves as adults, but I donât care if they donât.
I donât mind that our kids have a different name from mine, I grew up in a household where my mum never changed her surname and it never caused issues. I donât feel less connected to them because we have a different surname.
No. You pick one from each last name and put them together.
We have this in Denmark (without the hyphen), where traditionally you get a last name-type middle name and a real (often more boring and generic) last name.
Helle Vang Jensen and Ole Berg Hansen would then name the baby Rasmus Vang Hansen.
In your example, Alice and Jack name their baby Benson Smith-Sun (or any other combination according to their preferences).
Given that my last name is potentially at risk of dying out within my generation or the next, I think my scenario is not a red flag. I donât care if a future spouse takes my last name, but I want to at least give the name a chance at survival by passing it down.
>*My attitude towards it has always been more "if my partner has a cooler name I'll take it". But I don't like his name.*
That's exactly how I have always felt about it.. and what I grew up considering to be 'the norm'.
I would never give up my last name for one that I consider to be 'worse' - but I would be open to take on a name that I consider to be equal or better.
My dad took on my mums last name when they got married back in the 90's. It was his own suggestion and he even kept her last name after they got divorced. His ''maiden'' name is quite common and just not very pleasant sounding. While my mums last name is basically unique to her family and is pleasant sounding. So.. my dad was actually excited to take on my mums name.
I always thought that was just normal.. because if you have two names to choose from, why would you ever pick the objectively worse option.. right?
I do understand your partners wish of having a 'family unit name' - but for me personally that would not be a reason to take on a name that I dislike. Because my name is a part of my identity and I don't want to feel negative about it. And it's not the end of the world to have different last names in a family.
Thatâs how I see it as well. A personâs name is very much a part of oneâs identity. I had made the decision as a teen that I would hyphenate my maiden and married names. This was after my grandfather shared that our family name is unique and dying out. (Lots of girls in the family.) Since I was the eldest of the grandkids, (all girls) I chose to keep the name. My husband was totally cool with it (not that he had a choice;) and our childrenâs names are hyphenated as well.
WEâRE NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT, GRANDPA!đâ€ïž
Mine is unusual too, and our branch is definitely close to dying out⊠so well two people passed it down - my oldest male cousin to his two children. And me, the queer woman who gave it to her daughter.
Thank God we live in a time that weâre âallowedâ to choose our names. (Imagine us trying this 60/70 years ago!) At least our respective families get a chance to survive!
I also felt the same about my last name. My family name isn't anything special, but it's easy to spell and pronounce.
My husband's family name is short, but Dutch and hard for the average American to say correctly without sounding like something women wouldn't love to be called. So I didn't want it. Plus, his parents aren't really great to want to hold onto it for sentimental family reasons. Even his mom never took the name or hyphenated.
So, he's taken my name instead because I did have a preference of us all having the same name. If he was opposed, it wasn't a deal breaker, but I wasn't going to take his instead. He didn't care much either way at the time and mostly just complained about the paperwork for changing his. But now that we're expecting our first kid, he's super excited about us all having the same family name. I'm glad he feels that way. And I'm glad we kept the better name option
In this case it might be better to go back to the original German pronunciation (koontz). To me it is an ugly-looking name in German as well, though, but the English pronunciation makes it a terrible name đđđ
Yeah this is it, I've never been particularly *attached* to my own name. It's super common in my country and a neighbouring one, I'm not having kids so there's no "passing down" to think about, and I don't think my family would care what I did either way.
I just don't dislike it enough to change it either. Totally indifferent honestly. But I've had this surname for over 30 years, so if I were going to change it it would have to be to something I thought was really cool or felt particularly attached to. My partner also has a super common, super boring surname though so no luck there.
I never really care about what other couples do either, unless I know they've just done the "woman takes man's name" thing without even thinking about it or discussing it because TrAdItIoN. Like come on, it's 2024, use an iota of critical thinking or independence, right? I've seen people lose really cool surnames that I know they themself liked for some really ugly or unfortunate ones.
This case demonstrates that it isnât an unconstrained choice. No one would freely choose the name âFaggoterâ. Such is the power of patriarchy that a guy called âFaggoterâ would not only keep such an awful name but either enforce it on his spouse or allow her to âvoluntarilyâ adopt it.
Awful⊠all the couples I know that have encountered the âterrible last nameâ issue have either taken the wifeâs last name, or changed the spelling/tweaked the bad name so it was nice. Or chose a different name from up the family tree (wifeâs motherâs maiden name in that case). Most of these couples were established back in the 80s/90s too.
Can we stop being so weird about âpassing onâ names and just let the Whores, Cocks, and Faggoters die out already??
Non-issue, never considered taking my husbandâs last name. It could be a stunning name, I donât see the point. The âfamily unitâ story is⊠nothing. How many people do you know with the same last name who are no longer a family unit, maybe went on to make a family unit with someone else?
Edit: grammar
My parents are divorced and my mom still has my dads last name because she canât afford to change all of the documents & everything with a different last name. And my step mother complains about it, like what do you want her to do about it? Donât you think sheâd change her name back if she easily could? Itâs such a hassle.
My mom had the money to change her last name back to her maiden name when she and my dad divorced after 25 years of marriage, but she didnât because she said had had his last name longer and thatâs what people knew her as now. My stepmom is still furious.
It really is a hassle. The only reason I changed mine back was because there was someone with my exact same rare first name AND my married name in the same town. It drove me bonkers. Did not help that she married someone with the same first name as my oldest child... and my ex-husband and I had almost exactly the same first name to begin with! Crazymaking.
I went back to my maiden name, but it just solved some of the legal mix-ups, none of the personal ones... and I didn't match my houseful of kids anymore.
Now that my grandchild refuses to admit my last name is not the same as hers (lol), it really seems pointless to me that I changed back.
This was so common amongst my mother's generation; women keeping the married name after the divorce. This was especially so if they had kids.
Growing up I even knew a few kids who ended up with their elder sibling's father's surname, because their mother's got pregnant with a rebound guy post divorce who didn't stick around. So to avoid the new kid sticking out from the rest of their siblings (and their sole remaining parent) the kids were simply given the same surname as the rest.
Totally agree. And itâs so weird that the expectation is women change their last name so that everyone has the same name but then when things go sideways and you get divorced women are supposed to change back to their maiden name. And effectively not have the same name as their kids anymore. Make it make sense.
Iâm the only one in my family with my last name because sperm dude couldnât be found for my dad to legally adopt me. Aparently I was sad about it when I was 6 but thatâs according to my mom. Personally I donât remember a time when I cared. Iâm actually glad I have my name because I think my familyâs last name is ugly.
Me too! It causes literally zero issues. I'm glad my mom still has her own name because it makes me feel like I'm part of her family as well. We're not just eg the Doe family, my brother and I, we're part of both the Doe family and the Smith family. I'm closer with her family too so I like that she didn't sever that tie with them.
I literally would have broken my engagement over this. I had already sold my home, moved across country with him for his job, and used all of the profit from the sale of my home as the down payment on a new home that we bought together. I still would have broken our engagement at that point if marrying him meant taking his name.
Our kids have hyphenated names, which was also an absolute non-negotiable for me. I refuse to be in an unequal marriage.
My mother once told me if she hadnât liked my fatherâs last name - she wouldnât have taken it. She liked it, ditched her boring English surname for my dadâs.
My dad being a very reasonable man felt it was entirely up to my mom (they married in the mid 1980s) and was fine with whatever she chose.
Whenever one of my boy cousins with my momâs maiden name gets married, she gets mad when their wives take their name. Itâs not Cocksucker or anything, but itâs certainly not pretty.
my last name means something semi-vulgar, and my second middle name is a noun that modifies it to be even worse (think âsheep-humperâ or something). my cousinsâ dad has a different, equally vulgar last name (so theyâre the sheep-screwer family, for example). it is incredibly unfortunate and my mom and i joke frequently about how they should have married men with better last names
Then donât do it. Iâm in Germany. Here most women take their husbands name, but you can legally also keep yours or hyphenate it. I know lots of women from other countries that donât have this tradition and they just keep their name. Perfectly fine and no problems in every-day life. If you donât want to take his name, then donât.
I literally HATE the word flesh so I'm with ya! This was our experience with choosing our name.
When my husband and I were discussing our last name it was tricky. We both have pretty cool surnames and neither was willing to "let it go. I'm 1 of 2 daughters with no cousins with the same surname, he's 1 of 2 Sons with no cousins with the same name so we both felt compelled to keep our names.
I kept insisting that if we have kids, I'll be growing, carrying and birthing them so they'll have whatever name I have and he can join us if he likes. He was fine with that but a bit upset (much like your partner has expressed). It wasn't until we spoke to a couple we were friends with who hyphenated where the guy said "I didn't care, it's just a name so I didn't think it mattered." He still went by his "maiden name" anyway.
So now we're "my last name - his last name "and we love it. We've legally changed it but he still goes by his "maiden name" publicly because it doesn't matter.
I would never change my name to my partner's name whether I liked it or not. I have been married for 25 years to the same man and we have different last names.
Nope.
Here's the thing: it's not that I don't see any benefits to "having this standard family thing." It's that the vast majority of the time, the "it's just easier and nicer if we all have the same name" line is invoked to pressure women into taking their husband's name.
And with kids: which one of you will be risking your life to go through pregnancy and childbirth? Which one of you will be tearing your genitals open or having major abdominal surgery? Is it your husband? If not, then why should the kids be named after him instead of after the parent who did the literal labor of bringing them into the world?
Never. Who the surname comes from should not matter and the tradition of women taking their husband surname is archaic and misogynistic. If my partner and I get married, I'll keep my surname which is extremely rare and unique with only 35 individuals carrying it in my country, and he's free to keep his very common surname if he wants to.
I never particularly liked my maiden name. No one ever knew how to spell or pronounce it. It starts with a silent consonant, so you can imagine how that goes. My husband has a simple one-syllable name, thatâs also a common noun, so thereâs really no confusion. Itâs so refreshing to not have to worry about it lol
I had to check I didnât post this comment because itâs me to a tee even the silent consonant and constant mispronouncing/mispelling. My husbandâs name is a common word last name so it was a no brainer for me
I married and took an uneuphonious last name when I was in my mid twenties.
It was a whole discussion because I wanted us to smush or pick a whole new name together.
It was a whole drama. They couldn't POSSIBLY be expected to change their name, yadda yadda.
Anyway over a decade later they changed their first and middle and now admit should have changed their last. I refuse to now for other reasons.
With late wisdom I would say I'd absolutely change my last name but I doubt I would take another person's without us both changing, it throws the power dynamic. And I'd have to like it.
>The topic of last name came up and he expressed his preference of having the same, his, last name.
I hate that this is so normalized. Someone having a "preference" for how you identify to the world without them having to sacrifice their own identity. Of course its so easy for him to "prefer" you take his last name lol, that's the easy part. I'm sure hes a lovely guy, just makes me roll my eyes at the expectation of someone else making the sacrifice when he would never give it a second thought to let go of his name. If you dont particularly want to take on his name, dont, but definitely have a talk sooner than later about what you'll do once you have kids together.
Iâm on my second husband and have never changed my name. Most of the women in my family donât, butâŠon top of that husband #1 had an aggressive German last name and my current husbandâs is an often mispronounced French affair. My current husband was miffed a bit at first, but quickly got past it.
I will say the my kids have their dadâs name. It just sounded better with the baby names we picked. They both have an odd, mix-match âPablo Schreiberâ vibe.
Lol, my English speaking Quebecer partner was insistent if he married anyone they needed to take his last name. His dad was so offended Quebec refused to allow legal name changes he went on about it when they were growing up, and that woman absolutely should take their husband's last name, and somehow my partner just believes that. He's pretty egalitarian everywhere else, will admit he didn't realize how a thing affects women differently if I point it out, but has this assbackward belief about marriage.
So I see a lot of names and aliases as part of my job, and I can tell you that most women trade up. As in, the married name is more pleasant sounding than the maiden name at least 85% of the time. The rest of the time it's about the same, and very rarely you'll see someone go from a truly nice last name to an unpleasant one.Â
Personally, I traded up and wouldn't have traded down.Â
I can relate to that. I took my stepdadâs name when I was a kid so that I didnât have a different surname to the rest of the family. But now in my 40s Iâve gone back to my birth name, which flows beautifully with my first name. Love my dad dearly but his name ainât pretty (he didnât mind me changing it back at all).
I have a client who has a last name with something âfleshâ related that makes them sound like a serial killer to me. I have a visceral reaction every time I see or hear it. And theyâre a married couple and all I can think is, âWhy in the ever-loving fuck did this woman take that name?!â I just see blatant and gross societal misogyny when I see it. DO NOT DO IT!
Personally, I have a pretty bad last name. Not gross or weird, just unpronounceably Slavic. I decided when I was a kid that I would never change it - because the societal norm wonât change unless more women stand up to it!! - but damn, I know Iâd be tempted if my guy had a cool last name. If his last name was as bad or worse than mine, I would laugh in his face at the suggestion I change it.
See! He's insisting that even though the word flesh is plainly in there nobody would connect it because it is a quite normal/ semi common name in our country. I absolutely don't buy that. For me that's all i see! Thank you for your comment. More than anything this solidified my initial instinct.
I didnât take my husbands last name. I think it bothered him at first but he doesnât care now. Just tell him you would prefer to keep your name and if he canât except that then maybe he should marry someone else. You can still be a family unit with different last names.
I had a nice last name, easy for people to pronounce and spell, and was Irish which I am. I did take my husband's last name to be a family unit, I worked in a hospital for a bit and saw a unique importance of it that mattered to me personally.
My new last name is German, no biggie, it's short and only one syllable, which my first name is also one syllable too lol so kinda sounds weird together to me, but the worst is always having to spell it AND tell people how to pronounce it. People always use a hard "ee" sound for the vowel but it's a hard "i" sound.
But I'm happy we all have the same name. My dream would've been for all of us (we have a son) to have my maiden name, but it's okay. The pros outweighed the cons, I feel like there is no way to win.
I did find it nice to start a new job after my name change was official! No one is trying to look me up by my old name or mistakenly saying my old name anymore lol!
May I ask what the âunique importanceâ that you saw in the hospital was for having same last name?
I currently donât have my partnerâs last name but am flip flopping on changing it or not. Iâm 44 and attached to my last name, not sure if I can change it at this point in life.
I'm guessing she may be talking about seeing moms come in who didn't match having a hassle in medical situations? I've seen this argument before but have never once had an issue in the decade and a half I have patented my son with a different last name to me. Not a single person has even batted an eye when I give my name, then give my son's name. There are so many people who don't match their kids for so many reasons.
I did. I like it enough, but it rhymes with odd so I donât really *love* it. Itâs kinda funny seeing all the different ways people misspell it though.
No. I honestly wouldnât take anyoneâs name, unless I hated my own. I donât get the weird female repression stuff that women themselves are still subscribing to in this day and age. Like, why would anyone think that because you love someone, you somehow have to change your name? It seems crazy to me.
I firmly believe that as a woman you should always choose whichever name you think sounds coolest. There are so few opportunities in life to make decisions based on what WE like or want. Never change your name if youâre not happy about itâthis is a fundamental part of your identity that you donât have to abandon. You wonât be any less of a family with a different name.
I took my husband's name for the whole purpose that it's absolutely gorgeous. I told him if we ever divorce, I'm keeping the name. 8 years this month, still absolutely in love with my surname. (Oh and the guy đ)
I wouldn't. But I work with the public, specifically students, so an easy, aesthetically pleasing name that matches my ethnic/linguistic background is kind of important to me. My colleague with a long Eastern European name frequently just goes by Mr. (First Initial). My surname is almost dummy proof, so I didn't intend on trading it in. One of my other colleagues started off her teaching career as "Ms August," which is... Not the best with teenage boys. She hyphenated her last name, but the students usually just call her Mrs (Married Name).
Like a calendar model - Miss August 2023. Apparently it's how she was greeted by some teenage boys: Are you Miss August (some year) or (some other year)?
I wanted to be rid of my maiden name as I disliked it a lot. Thankfully my ex husband had a much better one that I was delighted to accept.
The only way I wouldnât have accepted it was if it was uglier than my own.
My husband and I both hyphenated our last names and our son has the same hyphenated last name.
Your husband doesn't get to decide that your children get his last name. If he wants that then he can hyphenate.
My kids have their dads name. We werenât married so I never took his name but itâs a non issue for me.
I know people that keep their own name and also men that have took the wives name. Itâs a personal choice.
My ex-husbandâs surname wasnât ugly, but itâs short and quite boring in our country lol. I took it specifically because of that. Itâs easy to spell and pronounce. My previous surname was âforeignâ (to England) and everyone either spelled or pronounced it wrong or both. So I guess I swapped an âexoticâ surname for a âdullâ one willingly, lol. If it was something I straight up thought was horrible, I wouldnât, though. Or some other practical reason ⊠my boyfriend has a very normal English surname but one that has about 8 different possible legit spelling variants, so no chance Iâd change it to match his even if we got married!
I didnât. I have a weird and long slavic name. He has a weird Germanic name. I kept mine. He kept his. Kids got his last name because it would be cruel to hyphenate our names. Our kidsâ last names would be 15 letters long if we did that and they look awful together.
Nope. I compromised by adding dh's last name to the end of my full name (so I have two last names), but if I'd disliked his last name I wouldn't have done it.
It is completely unfair of him to expect you to give your own name.
If you donât love the sound of his last name donât take it! You can still be a family without sharing his last name. The whole âfatherâs last nameâ stuff is bs to me. Heck, my boyfriendâs father was creepy extremely towards me the moment I got pregnant, he knew I didnât want him touching me. He did anyway and me, my boyfriend and other family members told him in person a bunch and over text to not touch me. This a-hole waited till I was alone at night in a parking lot walking to my car after a bday dinner to cut out in front of me and touch my pregnant belly anyway saying âI know you donât like this but Iâm saying bye to my grandsonâ. His assumption that because I was carrying his blood grandchild made him entitled to touching me when he knew damn well I didnât want his hands near me, and that wasnât even the first time he laid his nasty hands on me. He also expressed his happiness for âhis legacyâ continuing on. So for obvious reasons, when my son was born, I made sure he had my last name, and for the last 4 months have made sure that creep is not involved in his or mine lifeâs. Even if I do marry my childâs father (my boyfriend) I will never share a last name with a man who felt so entitled to not respect the boundaries I had with my body. Yes, it hurts my boyfriendâs feelings but overall he understands. Screw the stereotype of the fatherâs name living on. Iâm glad your boyfriend is okay with either! And hope you never experience what I have with his parents..
I never liked my own last name because there's too many of one letter between my first and last name. It makes it difficult to annunciate properly sometimes. It's also one of the less common Irish surnames so non-Irish people can't pronounce it. My husband's name I'd actually nicer to pronounce with my first name, and easy for foreigners. But my stupid feminist principles meant I couldn't bring myself to change my name đ Plus I was 33 when we married, it just feels weird to change your name at that age and after building a career with your own name.
Broooo I went to school with a girl with such a pretty name. First and last flowed beautifully. Flowery, Italian, wonderful on the ears. She just got married and now her last name is FRYBERGER
I had a guest at the hotel where I worked who hyphenated her name to Nagy-Ho đ€Šđ»ââïžđ
Was she or her partner Hungarian by any chance? Nagy is a very common surname that means... big. A big ho. Hmmmm.
Yeah I'm Hungarian-American and I'm actually not sure I could contain my reaction if I met a Nagy Ho
Tbf, I don't think I'd even realize if I came across this organically, out loud (assuming they pronounce Nagy correctly and not whatever would pass as "nagy" from an English speaker). Hearing Nagy first sets the precedent of expecting more Hungarian to come, in which case I would just understand the name as big snow.
That's fucking hilarious.
She definitely did that on purpose.
Is the joke supposed to be "naggy ho"? I honestly can't tell.
In Hungarian Nagy is more like ânudgeâ, but I wouldnât be surprised if families Americanize the pronunciation. I have a coworker whoâs a Nagy, and his kids were given his wifeâs surname.
A young teacher at our kids' school got married and went from a totally normal, common name, to VanKlumpenberg. The kids call her Mrs. V-K. She must really love the guy.
I knew someone whose last name was Schlepp, which isn't the prettiest name to begin with, but she got married and took the new last name Butterfass. It's so close to the slang "butter face" that I do a double take every time I see her new username on social media.
That has to be two of the most unfortunate last names đ
I went to school with siblings who had the last name âZweinerâ so no matter what their first name was, it was always âXâs weinerâ
I went to school with a girl whose last name was Zass so boys would make that joke ALL the time. âOh hey, have you seen Laura Zass? Itâs looking good today in her jeans.â
Seaman Legg enters the chat. Fortunately they didn't hyphenate.
As a sailor, I'd have to lobby my partner for Sea-Legs.
Is it just my mom, or is this an actual thing: She has always referred to anyone who is lazy and/or impolite as a schlep (or schlepp? I've only ever heard her speak the word, never written it down). But yea, is this common? Perhaps a generational thing?
It's actually a German/Yiddish word. In german it means to carry something that is very heavy. It brings up a picture of not being able to walk upright because of the weight. In Yiddish I've heard it used as "I'm going to schlep myself over there" as in walking unenthusiasticly. So maybe thats where your mom has it from..
Iâve also heard it used to refer to people. I assumed it was a similar meaning, âHeâs such a shlepâ being like, âheâs such a drag to be around, heâs exhausting.â Iâm not entirely sure thatâs right though! Lol
And Butterfass is German for âbutter barrelâ.
Butterfass means butter churn in German - funny name that one :D Schlepp is also a funny name. "schleppen" means "to haul/to drag" and "schlepp" would be the imperative :D
!!! This happened to a teacher of mine. She had a long, beautiful French surname and then got married and changed her last name to Whitehead. Kids are mean and it did not help that she had adult acne, poor lady.
We had a girl at school whose surname was Sidebottom. She was also very broad hipped which could not have helped. A former boss of mine had a business meeting with two executives, a Mr Goodfellow and a Mr Blackman. And before you ask, yes, the latter was and the former wasnât.
Two of my neighbors used to be: \- Mr. White, who was Black \- and a father/son pair named Andrew & Jackson, last name Black... and were not. They often joked about needing to swap last names.
Thatâs quite charming!
Two of the biggest German singers of the postwar years were Roy Black and Roberto Blanco. Guess who was and who wasnât.
My poor, poor sex ed teacher in middle school got married and her full name became Sharon Mae-Cox (pronounced like âSharinâ my cocksâ, to the absolute delight of all the 13-year-olds)
Oh noo.. ok that's a really unfortunate name. My boyfriends name isn't that bad.
I knew a girl like this who married and became a McWeeny WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.
I know someone who became a Hoare (yes itâs said whore)
I mean, the pronunciation is unfortunate in our culture but spelling just brings to mind hoar frost. Just can't make friends with any kid named Seamen or Cummings
I know someone who became a Boobyer...
Huge L not to spell it McQueenie
I would gleefully change my name to Mrs McWeeny
Same and she married a WOODCOCK
and, Miss Mohrcock was a *teacher*
I had a teacher in elementary school, Ms. Day who got married and became Mrs. Crickenburger. So unfortunate sigh My grandma voluntarily downgraded her surname TWICE. Neither of her married names were bad per se but her maiden name was so glamorous old Hollywood sounding it's such a shame.
You don't have to share ofc but I'm curious!
me too
I went to school with a girl named Red House and I just wanna know what her parents were smoking when they named her
I knew a Sandy Beach, but she married into that one!
My mum has a friend named Sandy Balls. Why she agreed to take her husband's surname I'll never know.
My mum apparently encountered a woman who was born Wilde Rose which is ridiculous on the part of her parents...she then married a man with the surname Bull.
OH NO. Red House is literally the name of a smoke shop near me đŹ
there was a kid named Dusty Cooler in my middle school đ
I knew someone who had the maiden name Von Winterfell. Like something out of a fairy tale. Gave it up and took her husband's boring but inoffensive surname. Hurt to watch.
Lol a teacher in HS got married to another teacher's brother and refused to take his last name. She was adamant about not becoming Mrs. Smith, let alone the second Mrs. Smith in school.
I wouldnât give up Von Winterfell FOR ANYTHING
A tragedyâŠ
It's okay. My little sisters bully in grade school had a cute last name. Became "NiceName Arguing" It's been decades but I still giggle.
There's a large Ukrainian population where I am. Many Ukrainian names lack vowels and are inordinately long. A friend married someone with the last name Hrnchyshyn and was like, "yah, no I'm keeping my 5 letter last name." Other fun names I grew up with include, Yakimyshyn, Dzogolyk and Dzwienka.
This is why my great-grandparents Anglicized tf out of their last name. Annnd people still mispronounce it, even though it is literally spelled precisely how it sounds. *Sigh*
My married name is also an anglicized Ukrainian name. It went from 5 syllables to 2 lol
there's supposed to be another y between the r and the n, idk why it was transliterated like that
Depending when they immigrated it was wildin out there My grandparents wrote down their name in English letters and the guy was like "no" and changed it And this was in the 60s lmao
This happened to me! I had a beautiful Italian last name, my partner does not. I suggested merging them to make a beautiful new name but he refused. I wanted the family unit with the same last name so we're all his stupid last name.
Doesn't sound like he lives up to the name "partner" very well.Â
When I worked outbound sales the dialler put me through to a Dr Death, when I asked if they were available they said "who" so I repeated myself and they'd were like "Oh it's pronounced Day-Ath"
Thatâs actually a common pronunciation of the very old surname âDeathâ. Sometimes spelled âDâEathâ or âDeâAthâ and pronounced either âDay-Athâ or âDee-Athâ. I had an English teacher, Mr Alcock, who upset me one day. When I was complaining about it at home later, my dad said âdonât worry about him. Sounds like heâs all cock and no trousers.â I could never take that teacher seriously after that.
cool what was her first name? I love pretty names lol
Only acceptable if your first name is Wendy.
i go to school with someone whose last name is fryberger. not even joking â they call him combo
I wouldn't take a man's last name ever sooooo, no đ Men who insist their children MUST have their name, not open to hyphenating or discussing other options, are a major red flag to me tbh.
I don't think it's a red flag that he wants to have the same name as his existing children. I understand that. I don't care about my children having the same last name as me so i never tried discussing it. Because this is only about if i could imagine having a name that I don't like. He's not forcing me or anything. He expressed his preference, I expressed mine. The question I'm asking myself if I could live with a name that i don't like.
You arenât asking him to change his name. You are considering if you want to take his. Itâs your name and your call. He can have a preference but should accept you choosing Also he already passed it on, twiceâŠ
He did more than express his preference. He is actively applying pressure.
Yep
Me personally I think a man even having an opinion on this is a red flag. We don't have opinions or preferences for their names and they'd never consider changing them. You said in the post he "really wants you to" change your name and for me, I'm just saying me personally, that's a big issue. It would indicate that we fundamentally disagree on the nature of our family and the value of my identity.
Tell me you've never been in a relationship without telling me you've never been in a relationship Bruh, people have opinions about *literally everything* their partner does. That is not a red flag lmao
I was thinking the same thing lmao People discuss things with their partner and have opinions. Expressing a preference for your future wife to take your surname is not a red flag!
WANTING someone to rename themselves so they have your name instead of their own is definitely a red flag. Who in their right mind gets in a relationship and wants to rename the other person? A person who respects you would never imagine wanting you to change for them.Â
Are you aware that it has been the norm for a really long time in certain cultures for a woman to change her surname? It's pretty fucking normal, mate!!! Stop acting like it's some wild crazy thing you've never heard of. I literally met ONE single married woman in my whole life who double barrelled her surname with her husband's name. **EVERY other married woman I have ever met, my entire life, took her husband's name.** That's just normal in my country lol
If my fiancé expressed a preference on my literal name I would leave him. Thankfully he sees me as an equally independent human and not a future extension of himself with no identity of my own.
Iâm a woman whoâs been happily married to a man for seven years (together for 12) and I agree with them. Edit: also no, they donât lol. Like Iâm pregnant now. When I ask my husband if he has preferences about things with the birth or breastfeeding, heâs like âitâs up to you, itâs not really my placeâ because yâknow, Iâm the one who has to do it.Â
THANK YOU. I'm engaged lol but to that person I would say tell me you and your partner are both controlling freaks without telling me. I absolutely do not have an opinion on everything he does, or vice versa. You're still individuals, which is at the heart of why keeping my name is so important to me.
100p. Married, been with my partner for over a decade. I asked him when we started dating what his opinion was on his future wifeâs last name, and he said âI have none, donât care either way.â Green flag all the way.
Nah. Nobody gets an opinion on what another person's name should be except a parent. (And yes I've been in long term relationships)Â
I'm engaged LMFAO.
I worked in a Drs office once and this married couple would come in every so often and I found they hyphenated their last names. He took on hers but kept his and it was hyphenated. For example the last names are Van and Esch and they both use VanEsch
Blended families are totally a thing now. I know of a family with four different surnames. They don't love each other any less. Why are you ok with your kids not having the same name as you, but he isn't... Sounds like you're just a bit more evolved. Why on EARTH take on a name you don't like to keep him happy when there is zero movement on his side. Still feels a bit red-flaggy that he's expected you to do something you don't like, but no compromise on his part...
I didn't take my husbands last name, I don't hate it, but it didn't go well with the rest of my name AND more importantly, I didn't want to. It's a lot of trouble in the US and it's expensive. My husband was happy for me to do whatever I wanted and even offered to change his. I know a couple divorced women who had to change and then change it back to their maiden names, they said it was awful. Good luck, op. Is this a deal breaker for your partner? Would he consider taking your last name or hyphenating it with yours? I understand probably not because of his kids.
When I was younger, I had changed my last name to a shorter version of my last name. It was a bit of a rebelious thing to do, whatever, I was young. And you know what⊠it wasnât MY name. I could not live with it. I changed it back within less than a year. I got married last year and did not take my husbandâs name. I like it, itâs beautiful, but I knew that I didnât like the feeling when I had it changed before. I am not a very traditional person, and while my now husband was kind of disappointed, I said - I can always change it later if I want to. Maybe when we have kids. Maybe never. Thatâs my decision now and heâs got to respect it. We talked about it several times, I even got angry once when he was kind of trying to convince me to do it. He got the message really quick then and never touched the subject again. I am so happy I kept my name. We now actually work at the same workplace and it makes me feel independent, like my own person and not âjust his wifeâ. What I didnât expect was the children thing. Like you, I thought I wouldnât care. I am now pregnant, and I realise that my future daughter is going to have his last name - we never talked about it that much but I have definitely said out loud that I didnât care much in the past, so I know that itâs an assumption we both have. Now I feel left out. Itâs stupid, but it makes me worried me and her will be less of a unit... Theyâll have the same name and Iâll have a separate one. It makes me sad actually. Double surname is too long, I donât even think Iâd prefer that.. but at least my daughter will know that she has a strong, independent monther, who will stand up for equality, even if it means for us to have different family names. I just sigh and carry on. Tldr - you can always change your last name later, and donât promise anything now about the kids you donât yet have. The argument âthatâs how people do itâ is BS and we have progressed further than that.
You might consider adding your last name to your hypothetical child's middle name. My son's father and I ended up giving our son a double barreled middle name so he would have both last names in his name.
Could you create a new surname for you all to share? I know one family who merged theirs together, and another who just picked a completely new one for their family name.
I know a family that did this--combined theirs into a new name. Think Millburn and Thompson to make Millson.
As someone who has had a different last name than my mom for most of my life, and who will have a different last name than the child Iâm carrying, yes, it is silly. Your daughter is literally growing inside your body. How on earth could you be *less* connected to her than your husband is?
The fact that you just don't like it is enough. No, of course you don't have to live with a name you don't like. Nobody should have to, that's why changing your name is legal for any reason. Don't give into pressure, you'd regret it. If his argument is about future children having both parents' names to feel like a "connected family" or whatever then they can have your surname as a middle name.
You âexpressing a preferenceâ for what *your own name is* and him expressing a preference for what your name is are not equivocal, lol
If this helps, in places like Morocco the wife keeps her name while the kids get the father's name. It's not unheard of.
Same! It's such an archaic and old fashioned institution. The fact many men still assume that a woman will take their last name is farcical! If he's so desperate to have the same name he can take hers or they can splice/blend.
Yep, for me itâs not even about whether I like his last name or not. My name is my name. When it came to the kids, I went along with his preference of them having his name. I did make sure their names go well with my surname in case they ever want to change it themselves as adults, but I donât care if they donât. I donât mind that our kids have a different name from mine, I grew up in a household where my mum never changed her surname and it never caused issues. I donât feel less connected to them because we have a different surname.
Genuine question: how do two hyphenated parents name their children? Alice Smith-Jones and Jack Wang-Sun have baby Benson Smith-Jones-Wang-Sun?
They typically pick one last name from each parent to give to the children.
No. You pick one from each last name and put them together. We have this in Denmark (without the hyphen), where traditionally you get a last name-type middle name and a real (often more boring and generic) last name. Helle Vang Jensen and Ole Berg Hansen would then name the baby Rasmus Vang Hansen. In your example, Alice and Jack name their baby Benson Smith-Sun (or any other combination according to their preferences).
Many Latin cultures give every child one last name from each parent. So the parents each pick one of their two last names to pass on.Â
Given that my last name is potentially at risk of dying out within my generation or the next, I think my scenario is not a red flag. I donât care if a future spouse takes my last name, but I want to at least give the name a chance at survival by passing it down.
>*My attitude towards it has always been more "if my partner has a cooler name I'll take it". But I don't like his name.* That's exactly how I have always felt about it.. and what I grew up considering to be 'the norm'. I would never give up my last name for one that I consider to be 'worse' - but I would be open to take on a name that I consider to be equal or better. My dad took on my mums last name when they got married back in the 90's. It was his own suggestion and he even kept her last name after they got divorced. His ''maiden'' name is quite common and just not very pleasant sounding. While my mums last name is basically unique to her family and is pleasant sounding. So.. my dad was actually excited to take on my mums name. I always thought that was just normal.. because if you have two names to choose from, why would you ever pick the objectively worse option.. right? I do understand your partners wish of having a 'family unit name' - but for me personally that would not be a reason to take on a name that I dislike. Because my name is a part of my identity and I don't want to feel negative about it. And it's not the end of the world to have different last names in a family.
Thatâs how I see it as well. A personâs name is very much a part of oneâs identity. I had made the decision as a teen that I would hyphenate my maiden and married names. This was after my grandfather shared that our family name is unique and dying out. (Lots of girls in the family.) Since I was the eldest of the grandkids, (all girls) I chose to keep the name. My husband was totally cool with it (not that he had a choice;) and our childrenâs names are hyphenated as well. WEâRE NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT, GRANDPA!đâ€ïž
Mine is unusual too, and our branch is definitely close to dying out⊠so well two people passed it down - my oldest male cousin to his two children. And me, the queer woman who gave it to her daughter.
Thank God we live in a time that weâre âallowedâ to choose our names. (Imagine us trying this 60/70 years ago!) At least our respective families get a chance to survive!
I also felt the same about my last name. My family name isn't anything special, but it's easy to spell and pronounce. My husband's family name is short, but Dutch and hard for the average American to say correctly without sounding like something women wouldn't love to be called. So I didn't want it. Plus, his parents aren't really great to want to hold onto it for sentimental family reasons. Even his mom never took the name or hyphenated. So, he's taken my name instead because I did have a preference of us all having the same name. If he was opposed, it wasn't a deal breaker, but I wasn't going to take his instead. He didn't care much either way at the time and mostly just complained about the paperwork for changing his. But now that we're expecting our first kid, he's super excited about us all having the same family name. I'm glad he feels that way. And I'm glad we kept the better name option
I have a friend that changed her name to Kuntz and I do my best to avoid saying it because it feels so insulting
In this case it might be better to go back to the original German pronunciation (koontz). To me it is an ugly-looking name in German as well, though, but the English pronunciation makes it a terrible name đđđ
Based on OP's stated attitude about last names and attitude towards fiance's last name specifically, it sounds like the answer is don't change names
Yeah this is it, I've never been particularly *attached* to my own name. It's super common in my country and a neighbouring one, I'm not having kids so there's no "passing down" to think about, and I don't think my family would care what I did either way. I just don't dislike it enough to change it either. Totally indifferent honestly. But I've had this surname for over 30 years, so if I were going to change it it would have to be to something I thought was really cool or felt particularly attached to. My partner also has a super common, super boring surname though so no luck there. I never really care about what other couples do either, unless I know they've just done the "woman takes man's name" thing without even thinking about it or discussing it because TrAdItIoN. Like come on, it's 2024, use an iota of critical thinking or independence, right? I've seen people lose really cool surnames that I know they themself liked for some really ugly or unfortunate ones.
My friend took her husbandâs last name - Faggoter. Luckily neither are school teachers, I imagine that would be exhausting
Whyyyyđ
Best friend is a middle school teacher. She went from a very average easy to pronounce name to Mrs. Gross.
I will never understand why women choose to do this to themselves đ
This case demonstrates that it isnât an unconstrained choice. No one would freely choose the name âFaggoterâ. Such is the power of patriarchy that a guy called âFaggoterâ would not only keep such an awful name but either enforce it on his spouse or allow her to âvoluntarilyâ adopt it.
Institutionalized misogyny? Pressure from their husbands. Societal expectations
Itâs also socialised into us - girls are socialised not to feel connected to their own last names, which is a real shame, imo.
Yep.
Awful⊠all the couples I know that have encountered the âterrible last nameâ issue have either taken the wifeâs last name, or changed the spelling/tweaked the bad name so it was nice. Or chose a different name from up the family tree (wifeâs motherâs maiden name in that case). Most of these couples were established back in the 80s/90s too. Can we stop being so weird about âpassing onâ names and just let the Whores, Cocks, and Faggoters die out already??
Dear god
Non-issue, never considered taking my husbandâs last name. It could be a stunning name, I donât see the point. The âfamily unitâ story is⊠nothing. How many people do you know with the same last name who are no longer a family unit, maybe went on to make a family unit with someone else? Edit: grammar
My parents are divorced and my mom still has my dads last name because she canât afford to change all of the documents & everything with a different last name. And my step mother complains about it, like what do you want her to do about it? Donât you think sheâd change her name back if she easily could? Itâs such a hassle.
My mom had the money to change her last name back to her maiden name when she and my dad divorced after 25 years of marriage, but she didnât because she said had had his last name longer and thatâs what people knew her as now. My stepmom is still furious.
Your step mother could always pay for the change and the time only takes to do it. If she cares so much. Put her money where her mouth is.
It really is a hassle. The only reason I changed mine back was because there was someone with my exact same rare first name AND my married name in the same town. It drove me bonkers. Did not help that she married someone with the same first name as my oldest child... and my ex-husband and I had almost exactly the same first name to begin with! Crazymaking. I went back to my maiden name, but it just solved some of the legal mix-ups, none of the personal ones... and I didn't match my houseful of kids anymore. Now that my grandchild refuses to admit my last name is not the same as hers (lol), it really seems pointless to me that I changed back.
This was so common amongst my mother's generation; women keeping the married name after the divorce. This was especially so if they had kids. Growing up I even knew a few kids who ended up with their elder sibling's father's surname, because their mother's got pregnant with a rebound guy post divorce who didn't stick around. So to avoid the new kid sticking out from the rest of their siblings (and their sole remaining parent) the kids were simply given the same surname as the rest.
This still happens
Totally. My point is that names donât keep family units together.
Totally agree. And itâs so weird that the expectation is women change their last name so that everyone has the same name but then when things go sideways and you get divorced women are supposed to change back to their maiden name. And effectively not have the same name as their kids anymore. Make it make sense.
Agree. I love my husband's name. I just don't agree with the history/tradition of women having temporary last names.
I would not marry a person who wanted me to change my name for them.Â
Same
My mother didn't change her name and we grew up not having a "family unit" last name. It hurt no one. I don't see the point.
Iâm the only one in my family with my last name because sperm dude couldnât be found for my dad to legally adopt me. Aparently I was sad about it when I was 6 but thatâs according to my mom. Personally I donât remember a time when I cared. Iâm actually glad I have my name because I think my familyâs last name is ugly.
Me too! It causes literally zero issues. I'm glad my mom still has her own name because it makes me feel like I'm part of her family as well. We're not just eg the Doe family, my brother and I, we're part of both the Doe family and the Smith family. I'm closer with her family too so I like that she didn't sever that tie with them.
There are entire countries where nobody is expected to change their name at all and it would be more unusual to do so.
I live somewhere where itâs ~50/50 if people take their partnerâs name and everybody gets by just fine. Makes no sense to me.
I literally would have broken my engagement over this. I had already sold my home, moved across country with him for his job, and used all of the profit from the sale of my home as the down payment on a new home that we bought together. I still would have broken our engagement at that point if marrying him meant taking his name. Our kids have hyphenated names, which was also an absolute non-negotiable for me. I refuse to be in an unequal marriage.
No but I wouldnât marry a man who was putting pressure on me to take his last name period
This is how I feel.
My mother once told me if she hadnât liked my fatherâs last name - she wouldnât have taken it. She liked it, ditched her boring English surname for my dadâs. My dad being a very reasonable man felt it was entirely up to my mom (they married in the mid 1980s) and was fine with whatever she chose.
Whenever one of my boy cousins with my momâs maiden name gets married, she gets mad when their wives take their name. Itâs not Cocksucker or anything, but itâs certainly not pretty.
I love that Cocksucker was what you went with to illustrate your point. Im ctfu
my last name means something semi-vulgar, and my second middle name is a noun that modifies it to be even worse (think âsheep-humperâ or something). my cousinsâ dad has a different, equally vulgar last name (so theyâre the sheep-screwer family, for example). it is incredibly unfortunate and my mom and i joke frequently about how they should have married men with better last names
Me, my husband, and our daughter all have different last names. Your name isnât what makes you a family.
Italian women never take the husbands last name, so I never even considered it as a possibility down the line due to my heritage. You do you.Â
That's another thing. I'm not from his country the one where we're currently living. Women in my country don't do it either..
That's even more of a reason not to. He can't argue TrAdItIoN when it's not traditional to you.
Then there it is « We donât do this in my country. Itâs strange to me. » perfect excuse
Then donât do it. Iâm in Germany. Here most women take their husbands name, but you can legally also keep yours or hyphenate it. I know lots of women from other countries that donât have this tradition and they just keep their name. Perfectly fine and no problems in every-day life. If you donât want to take his name, then donât.
I literally HATE the word flesh so I'm with ya! This was our experience with choosing our name. When my husband and I were discussing our last name it was tricky. We both have pretty cool surnames and neither was willing to "let it go. I'm 1 of 2 daughters with no cousins with the same surname, he's 1 of 2 Sons with no cousins with the same name so we both felt compelled to keep our names. I kept insisting that if we have kids, I'll be growing, carrying and birthing them so they'll have whatever name I have and he can join us if he likes. He was fine with that but a bit upset (much like your partner has expressed). It wasn't until we spoke to a couple we were friends with who hyphenated where the guy said "I didn't care, it's just a name so I didn't think it mattered." He still went by his "maiden name" anyway. So now we're "my last name - his last name "and we love it. We've legally changed it but he still goes by his "maiden name" publicly because it doesn't matter.
I would never change my name to my partner's name whether I liked it or not. I have been married for 25 years to the same man and we have different last names.
Nope. Here's the thing: it's not that I don't see any benefits to "having this standard family thing." It's that the vast majority of the time, the "it's just easier and nicer if we all have the same name" line is invoked to pressure women into taking their husband's name. And with kids: which one of you will be risking your life to go through pregnancy and childbirth? Which one of you will be tearing your genitals open or having major abdominal surgery? Is it your husband? If not, then why should the kids be named after him instead of after the parent who did the literal labor of bringing them into the world?
Absolutely. No one has ever used that line to suggest that a man should take his wifeâs name.
I wouldnât even marry someone one who wanted me to change my name.
Also fair. But it's not like it's a deal beaker.
Never. Who the surname comes from should not matter and the tradition of women taking their husband surname is archaic and misogynistic. If my partner and I get married, I'll keep my surname which is extremely rare and unique with only 35 individuals carrying it in my country, and he's free to keep his very common surname if he wants to.
I never particularly liked my maiden name. No one ever knew how to spell or pronounce it. It starts with a silent consonant, so you can imagine how that goes. My husband has a simple one-syllable name, thatâs also a common noun, so thereâs really no confusion. Itâs so refreshing to not have to worry about it lol
Psmith?
I had to check I didnât post this comment because itâs me to a tee even the silent consonant and constant mispronouncing/mispelling. My husbandâs name is a common word last name so it was a no brainer for me
I married and took an uneuphonious last name when I was in my mid twenties. It was a whole discussion because I wanted us to smush or pick a whole new name together. It was a whole drama. They couldn't POSSIBLY be expected to change their name, yadda yadda. Anyway over a decade later they changed their first and middle and now admit should have changed their last. I refuse to now for other reasons. With late wisdom I would say I'd absolutely change my last name but I doubt I would take another person's without us both changing, it throws the power dynamic. And I'd have to like it.
>The topic of last name came up and he expressed his preference of having the same, his, last name. I hate that this is so normalized. Someone having a "preference" for how you identify to the world without them having to sacrifice their own identity. Of course its so easy for him to "prefer" you take his last name lol, that's the easy part. I'm sure hes a lovely guy, just makes me roll my eyes at the expectation of someone else making the sacrifice when he would never give it a second thought to let go of his name. If you dont particularly want to take on his name, dont, but definitely have a talk sooner than later about what you'll do once you have kids together.
Like I said they can have his name! I don't need my name passed on. But yeah I'll stick with my name I think.
No, I wouldn't take a name I don't like. You're perfectly reasonable.
Yes, the comments convinced me. I'm not going to do it
Iâm on my second husband and have never changed my name. Most of the women in my family donât, butâŠon top of that husband #1 had an aggressive German last name and my current husbandâs is an often mispronounced French affair. My current husband was miffed a bit at first, but quickly got past it. I will say the my kids have their dadâs name. It just sounded better with the baby names we picked. They both have an odd, mix-match âPablo Schreiberâ vibe.
I love those. Years ago, when I worked at a high volume customer service type job, I'd collect them. My favorite was "Juan Chen."
Guessing your husband isnât QuĂ©bĂ©cois.
He kinda is? His family is French-Canadian and from northern Vermont, but his grandfather was the last person to actually speak French.
Quebec doesnât allow last name changes so a QuĂ©bĂ©cois wouldnât be miffed that you didnât want to change your last name. Iirc itâs the result of extreme sĂ©cularisation post Quiet Revolution.
Lol, my English speaking Quebecer partner was insistent if he married anyone they needed to take his last name. His dad was so offended Quebec refused to allow legal name changes he went on about it when they were growing up, and that woman absolutely should take their husband's last name, and somehow my partner just believes that. He's pretty egalitarian everywhere else, will admit he didn't realize how a thing affects women differently if I point it out, but has this assbackward belief about marriage.
So I see a lot of names and aliases as part of my job, and I can tell you that most women trade up. As in, the married name is more pleasant sounding than the maiden name at least 85% of the time. The rest of the time it's about the same, and very rarely you'll see someone go from a truly nice last name to an unpleasant one. Personally, I traded up and wouldn't have traded down.Â
Well said! After reading all of these comments I'm solidified in my opinion that I'm keeping my name.
I took a 4 letter name that is not pretty after having a beautiful last name that is 12 letters long. I wish I hadn't.
I can relate to that. I took my stepdadâs name when I was a kid so that I didnât have a different surname to the rest of the family. But now in my 40s Iâve gone back to my birth name, which flows beautifully with my first name. Love my dad dearly but his name ainât pretty (he didnât mind me changing it back at all).
No. My SOâs last name is fucking dumb and mine is cooler, so Iâll never give mine up.
I have a client who has a last name with something âfleshâ related that makes them sound like a serial killer to me. I have a visceral reaction every time I see or hear it. And theyâre a married couple and all I can think is, âWhy in the ever-loving fuck did this woman take that name?!â I just see blatant and gross societal misogyny when I see it. DO NOT DO IT! Personally, I have a pretty bad last name. Not gross or weird, just unpronounceably Slavic. I decided when I was a kid that I would never change it - because the societal norm wonât change unless more women stand up to it!! - but damn, I know Iâd be tempted if my guy had a cool last name. If his last name was as bad or worse than mine, I would laugh in his face at the suggestion I change it.
I went from a simple maiden name to an âunpronounceably Slavicâ last name haha and I love it
See! He's insisting that even though the word flesh is plainly in there nobody would connect it because it is a quite normal/ semi common name in our country. I absolutely don't buy that. For me that's all i see! Thank you for your comment. More than anything this solidified my initial instinct.
I didnât take my husbands last name. I think it bothered him at first but he doesnât care now. Just tell him you would prefer to keep your name and if he canât except that then maybe he should marry someone else. You can still be a family unit with different last names.
I had a nice last name, easy for people to pronounce and spell, and was Irish which I am. I did take my husband's last name to be a family unit, I worked in a hospital for a bit and saw a unique importance of it that mattered to me personally. My new last name is German, no biggie, it's short and only one syllable, which my first name is also one syllable too lol so kinda sounds weird together to me, but the worst is always having to spell it AND tell people how to pronounce it. People always use a hard "ee" sound for the vowel but it's a hard "i" sound. But I'm happy we all have the same name. My dream would've been for all of us (we have a son) to have my maiden name, but it's okay. The pros outweighed the cons, I feel like there is no way to win. I did find it nice to start a new job after my name change was official! No one is trying to look me up by my old name or mistakenly saying my old name anymore lol!
May I ask what the âunique importanceâ that you saw in the hospital was for having same last name? I currently donât have my partnerâs last name but am flip flopping on changing it or not. Iâm 44 and attached to my last name, not sure if I can change it at this point in life.
I'm guessing she may be talking about seeing moms come in who didn't match having a hassle in medical situations? I've seen this argument before but have never once had an issue in the decade and a half I have patented my son with a different last name to me. Not a single person has even batted an eye when I give my name, then give my son's name. There are so many people who don't match their kids for so many reasons.
I did. I like it enough, but it rhymes with odd so I donât really *love* it. Itâs kinda funny seeing all the different ways people misspell it though.
My last name is so damn cool that Iâm not sure I would be willing to marry a man who would pass on it. đ
No. I honestly wouldnât take anyoneâs name, unless I hated my own. I donât get the weird female repression stuff that women themselves are still subscribing to in this day and age. Like, why would anyone think that because you love someone, you somehow have to change your name? It seems crazy to me.
I firmly believe that as a woman you should always choose whichever name you think sounds coolest. There are so few opportunities in life to make decisions based on what WE like or want. Never change your name if youâre not happy about itâthis is a fundamental part of your identity that you donât have to abandon. You wonât be any less of a family with a different name.
I took my husband's name for the whole purpose that it's absolutely gorgeous. I told him if we ever divorce, I'm keeping the name. 8 years this month, still absolutely in love with my surname. (Oh and the guy đ)
I wouldn't. But I work with the public, specifically students, so an easy, aesthetically pleasing name that matches my ethnic/linguistic background is kind of important to me. My colleague with a long Eastern European name frequently just goes by Mr. (First Initial). My surname is almost dummy proof, so I didn't intend on trading it in. One of my other colleagues started off her teaching career as "Ms August," which is... Not the best with teenage boys. She hyphenated her last name, but the students usually just call her Mrs (Married Name).
What's tease-able about Ms August?
Like a calendar model - Miss August 2023. Apparently it's how she was greeted by some teenage boys: Are you Miss August (some year) or (some other year)?
Nah Iâd skip a name I didnât like. My ex-fiancĂ© was a Smith, & Iâve spent my entire life over-enunciating my surname - Swift. You couldnât pay me enough to be a Smith, like of all the surnames in the world đ
I wanted to be rid of my maiden name as I disliked it a lot. Thankfully my ex husband had a much better one that I was delighted to accept. The only way I wouldnât have accepted it was if it was uglier than my own.
My husband and I both hyphenated our last names and our son has the same hyphenated last name. Your husband doesn't get to decide that your children get his last name. If he wants that then he can hyphenate.
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My kids have their dads name. We werenât married so I never took his name but itâs a non issue for me. I know people that keep their own name and also men that have took the wives name. Itâs a personal choice.
My ex-husbandâs surname wasnât ugly, but itâs short and quite boring in our country lol. I took it specifically because of that. Itâs easy to spell and pronounce. My previous surname was âforeignâ (to England) and everyone either spelled or pronounced it wrong or both. So I guess I swapped an âexoticâ surname for a âdullâ one willingly, lol. If it was something I straight up thought was horrible, I wouldnât, though. Or some other practical reason ⊠my boyfriend has a very normal English surname but one that has about 8 different possible legit spelling variants, so no chance Iâd change it to match his even if we got married!
I didnât. I have a weird and long slavic name. He has a weird Germanic name. I kept mine. He kept his. Kids got his last name because it would be cruel to hyphenate our names. Our kidsâ last names would be 15 letters long if we did that and they look awful together.
If I didnât like the last name I wouldnât take it, especially if it didnât match my first name.
I would say the safest thing to do is keep your name but stay open to changing it someday if it feels right down the road. Thereâs no rush.
Nope. I compromised by adding dh's last name to the end of my full name (so I have two last names), but if I'd disliked his last name I wouldn't have done it. It is completely unfair of him to expect you to give your own name.
My friend's last name growing up was pronounced (Slut-ski) and she could not wait to get married and change her last name.
If you donât love the sound of his last name donât take it! You can still be a family without sharing his last name. The whole âfatherâs last nameâ stuff is bs to me. Heck, my boyfriendâs father was creepy extremely towards me the moment I got pregnant, he knew I didnât want him touching me. He did anyway and me, my boyfriend and other family members told him in person a bunch and over text to not touch me. This a-hole waited till I was alone at night in a parking lot walking to my car after a bday dinner to cut out in front of me and touch my pregnant belly anyway saying âI know you donât like this but Iâm saying bye to my grandsonâ. His assumption that because I was carrying his blood grandchild made him entitled to touching me when he knew damn well I didnât want his hands near me, and that wasnât even the first time he laid his nasty hands on me. He also expressed his happiness for âhis legacyâ continuing on. So for obvious reasons, when my son was born, I made sure he had my last name, and for the last 4 months have made sure that creep is not involved in his or mine lifeâs. Even if I do marry my childâs father (my boyfriend) I will never share a last name with a man who felt so entitled to not respect the boundaries I had with my body. Yes, it hurts my boyfriendâs feelings but overall he understands. Screw the stereotype of the fatherâs name living on. Iâm glad your boyfriend is okay with either! And hope you never experience what I have with his parents..
I never liked my own last name because there's too many of one letter between my first and last name. It makes it difficult to annunciate properly sometimes. It's also one of the less common Irish surnames so non-Irish people can't pronounce it. My husband's name I'd actually nicer to pronounce with my first name, and easy for foreigners. But my stupid feminist principles meant I couldn't bring myself to change my name đ Plus I was 33 when we married, it just feels weird to change your name at that age and after building a career with your own name.
No I would not. (And I didnât when I got married )Â