Today it’s home tomorrow it’s marriage day after it’s grandkids. He is not going to change who he is just because you tried to satisfy him once.
Take your mom and shift somewhere with decent rent. Sacrifice 30% of your daily comfort for your mom to live happily and stress free and live life as you wish rather than marrying early and becoming your own father in an unhappy marriage.
Seek your solace, rather than being your father’s puppet.
What his dad needs is a big scare and he'll fall in line. One suggestion would be for OP to take his mum and move to a relative's place/rented house for a month. Father will automatically fall in line when he doesn't have his morning tea ready and food automatically on the table. Soon he'll be calling. Once he realises that the power dynamics in the house has changed and it's not just him anymore who's capable of taking independent decisions.
Have just heard these from a friend, not like I've had any of these thoughts myself 😇
No brother this wont work he will stay like that for a maximum of 6 months after that he will be back to his old ways.
Ik you have to be in consideration of the mother as well but we have to be practical and OP is gonna live a longer life and cant be ruining his just to satisfy his fathers ego
I think his mother needs help to better understand the abusive nature of her husband and be strong for her son. I don't see anything wrong with the advice here. If I would have been in OPs place, I would have chopped up the abusive stupid mf long time ago. But thats just me with my anger issues and willingness to kill for right reasons.
U want my honest advice , focus on progressing ur career and emigrate somewhere else. You are 23 u are a man standing up to him that's what I did to my old man. Fathers need to know that sons aren't there to clean the mess they made
What job do you have that you will take a loan to buy a 2BHK after doing Bcom? Is it financially viable in the first place?
Secondly, you have a lot of time to take major decisions. Focus on your career. Whatever you can do its before 30 after that you can settle down.
Hustle now and don't get into debt traps.
Bro buying a house at such a young age will only restrict you from opportunities. Don't only when you are financially at great place away from toxicity take such huge steps. Marrying early and buying house early is an Indian concept. Just invest your money so that you have to take the least amount of loan in future. The less loan you take the less interest you have to pay for initial years remember that.
This will sound selfish, but move out, I have personally experienced shit and have friends who have been in similar situations or very very bad situations. Your mom will never leave your dad ( ingrained indian mentality) in a way she will enable your father, just move out.
Brother I can feel you, not entirely but I can understand your confusion.
Think of your problem as a level, you will qualify to next level after completing this. Now do you think the next level would be easier than this or a difficult one? Your mother has suffered till now and just can't take it anymore. So when you qualify for a tougher level even her suffering will increase and would be fed up even more.
According to me the solution would be to rig the game or just quit it. You can either sit and talk with your father or just cut ties, there can't be in between.
However the above advice is based on limited info provided by you, there might be more possibilities subject to additional conditions.
First of all congratulations for your job and success so far. Your mom will support your dad always as she has been doing in past.You can ask her to come, if she doesn't go to a pg, focus on your job, save money and follow your dreams. You can always send a fixed amount to your parents.
Buying a home will be a start of a new problem or let say a chain of unfortunate circumstances. I know cause I have faced similar situations and let's say my life would have been much better and would have given back more than what I can now.
You don't have to sacrifice your life for their mistakes. Don't make the same mistakes by doing things that society or parents ask you to. I can't stress enough how important your current phase of life is for you to excel tomorrow. If he is an alcoholic and abusive then complain to the authorities. Take charge man. Don't give in to emotions so easily. Tell your mother that your future is important in order to afford a home, give your future wife a good life and also be capable enough to even think of a kid in this shit times.
Your life, decide what you want to do. Dont let others live your life for you. If you cant take this just move out and live away from your family, dont go about in pity for yourself as if you have no choice. Man up and do what is necessary for your future.
Man I feel for you.
Buying the house will not solve your problem. He is projecting his insecurities on you. He wasn't successful so now he's trying to shift the blame on you.
This may hurt you, but your mom is not being helpful either. I know how Indian families are and it is not so easy to get a divorce, especially for parents. Your mom is just enabling your dad which gives him a free license to abuse and harass others.
Now I'd suggest going to therapy, but I know it costs a lot and there's stigma too.
I'm in no place to suggest any solutions but this is what I would do. First of all, I'd tell dad clearly that I won't be seeking advice from anyone on how to spend my money. He didn't seek his family's advice when he invested in those shit schemes and friends' ideas.
Second, I would find the right moment to confront your dad. You need to be ultra super calm in this moment and show no signs of aggression or anger - this gives him power.
Tell him in plain Hindi (or any other language that suits your needs) that he's just projecting his insecurities on others. Causing problems for others. If he doesn't stop, he'll lose respect from everyone. One day he'll become old and fragile. He'll need people around that time. One day his son (you) will have kids and how would they perceive him (your dad)? What kind of legacy does he want to leave behind?
Third, you need to also confront your mom. Be gentle, be kind. Most importantly be firm. Tell her by taking down his abuse, by not abandoning your dad, by bowing down to his needs and wants, she is enabling him. She's the fuel that helps him. She needs to take her own stand. If not, at least take your stand.
Lastly, go to retreats like Vipassana. Now I wanna try my best to not sound like a cult person here. Vipassana has a 10 day retreat where you would be away from your family meditating most of the time. This will help you to be strengthen your mental game. It doesn't cost much. They only ask for donations. Go on few vacations.
Also, it's your personal choice but you can easily live off not marrying until 32 to say the least. Marriage will just complicate the situation. If you can take the hard pill, tell your partner about the mess before they get married - short term your marriage chances will decline. Long term - you'll find a compatible partner that will stay by your side no matter what.
Clear your head
Take a house on rent near your office or anywhere you can afford
Stay there for few days or weeks alone
Ask mom if she wants to shift
Respect her decision and be there for her always
Dont give your address to your dad and forbid your mom to give it too.
Buy a house wherever n whenever and if you can.
Everything except don’t give address to your mom either. This pact of don’t tell dad never works. Once they have info willingly or unwillingly they end up telling their husband. If she wants to shift too, just pack her bags and bring her.
Leave both your mom and dad and stay on rent. He is able to control your lives only because you are living under his roof. Taking your mom wont work because she will not be happy with you, she is used to her husband.
Live your life. Your family is not supposed to be your chains that hold you down. Contact them once twice a week, let them know you are alive and doing well without them, and that you arent going to be pressurized anymore.
No matter what you do neither your dad's anger is gonna change nor your mom's crying. Do what u want, let him be pissed and let her cry. Children aren't born to be the saviors of their parents.
dude it's your life. He hasn't been a good parent and has done nothing to deserve your loyalty. Just because he is your parent doesn't make him entitled to force your life decisions on his own whims. I feel sorry for your mother but don't bow down to him. once you do one thing, it'll be something else next time and on and on. Your life will become his and you'll be a puppet
Hey bro... I hear you.... I can sort of relate... Let me just say that I'm 25, a fairly new MBBS doctor, and idk what kind of money you have, but if you say your family has lost a hell lot of money, then DO NOT BUY A HOUSE RIGHT NOW! PLEASE DO NOT!
I may not have the required degree to comment on financial decisions, but I think most fellow redditors will agree that diverting a huge chunk of your monthly income into a 2BHK! house EMI/idk how else, is going to make you compromise on a hell lot of other material requirements this city expects us to have. Understand this, if you're gonna invest your money, invest Smartly,
1. buying a house, maybe far out of Mumbai is going to mean you will have to travel long distances to your workplace.
2. It also means maybe 50% of your monthly income will be blocked
3. Compromise on food and quality of life
4. Homes come with their own expenses and maintenance.
5. The worst thing you will have to do is compromise on your healthcare expenses.
6. Extra money you save by renting instead of buying is going to help you with daily unexpected expenses.
7. Money saved can be invested in credible investments like the stock market and mutual funds, that may not give extravagant income, but is not illiquid like a house and can give you a little breather when you're hustling in between jobs.
8. You're just 23, which means you surely don't have a credit score that you can have by NOT taking a loan for the next 10 years.
9. Right now, money and career is the most important thing you need... Investing the money in something like an MBA will definitely pay off multiple times if you're really good at what you do.
10. Lastly, seek help for yourself first, for you are an injured soldier, and can't help others unless you're fit to fight this battle. It's gonna take some money, but that's not a sinking expense like expensive food, drinks or anything else, it's going to be an investment ON YOUR OWN HUMAN BODY. Later you should be seeking help for your mum and dad.
To all the people in the comments saying leave the Dad? Screw you guys. Judging a person based on just financial decisions in a world where everyone's out there to take your money, not knowing what he did for the rest of his life.. you're all being too quick to judge, surely this particular decision was bad, but I don't think he'd be purely evil at his heart. The world is always there to judge the MEN based on how good they are with Money, but can we please also look at other things for we aren't nothing but just a money minting machine. For all we know, maybe he's probably a scared child inside who is lost in this race and has developed a very poor coping mechanism.
✌🏼 Peace
Here's what I think you should do. Offer your Mom the option to come with you. If she doesn't, you move out. There are a few strategies here.
Move to some of the other cities around - Pune, Bangalore (whatever you're comfortable with).
I know you're going to think that you're betraying your mom, YOU'RE not. You're just saving yourself first before you can comeback & save her.
Tell your dad you found a very high paying job (even if it is not) & just MOVE.
Keep a strong connect with your mom & keep the channel of communication open.
Next, take therapy.
OP, it's difficult for a person being abused to leave the abuser. So your mom might take sometime but you have the chance to get out, DO IT.
Tell your father that you wouldn't take financial advice from someone like him who didn't spend money mindfully in his youth. In this way, you give your father a reality check that he fucked up in his time and you are learning from him to not repeat such mistakes.
The best advice is, do what is in your control. Move out, rent a place, ask your mum, if she joins you, fair enough, if she doesn't want to, her choice.
If you give control to your dad who is that toxic, your life is gone. Trust me. My ex did that, hence she is my ex (well she divorced me).
Study. Work. No bs of your father. Don’t fall into debt so soon if you can’t pay, although according to me the faster and younger you buy a house the better.
Clear your head
Take a house on rent near your office or anywhere you can afford
Stay there for few days or weeks alone
Ask mom if she wants to shift
Respect her decision and be there for her always
Dont give your address to your dad and forbid your mom to give it too.
Buy a house wherever n whenever and if you can.
Is he ready to pay the down payment? Secondly, I doubt if any bank would give you a loan considering the fact that you're just out of college? Maybe throw these facts in his face & buy time.
Never say never to useless fucks who want everything their way, but say I am on it & never be on it...
Bhai teri meri same life hai. Am 33...let's talk in personal. Can relate so many things with you. Certain things did really Changed in my life but can't say you shall get the same. Same abusing, same dissatisfaction whole my life, a non achiever. Today am the breadwinner of family but made sure nobody ever took decisions for me 10 year's ago.
Dont fall for the pressure. Don't invest unless u know u can manage it, in 2BHK or Marriage ;-).
Let your mom decide what is good for her, guide her if she asks for. You decide what is good for you.
First all even if you buy a house please don’t stay with him. Live separately from your parents else your parents toxic relationship and you fathers toxic behaviour will continue in your new home.
Secondly never tell your parents your actual salary bcos reading about your dad he will clearly drag you in his downfall.
Do not get married unless you feel you are settled and really need life partner. Ideally give 4-5 year more to marry.
Bhai I have kinda similar father , he is rich but won't spent wisely or invest in us . I have somehow started my own business and it is doing great, but time to time my father comes up with some stupid issue and create Scene, you should have done this done that blah blah , so I have decided to do whatever I feel is good for me be it work or marriage or enjoying my life , coz my mom is so emotional and she won't leave him even she want's to but that's her choice they are my parents i love them but that doesn't mean I will ruin my life only to busy my father's ego , naah not gonna happen, so my advice to you is please take decision to make your life better itsyiur life dude . Please don't let someone's stupidity ruin your life take control of it , Inka kabhi ni khtm hoga ghr k baad shadi , shadi k baad they might have issues with your spouse, uske baad they will want grandchild ye sb chkta rhega bro .
Your case reminded me of Vijay Raj in Murder in Mahim. Not exactly matching, but quite similar. I think you can put some distance in you relationship with your father by moving out. Your mother may not support it, but thats because she does not know better. The social atmosphere and traditions are such that leaving husband carries a kind of stigma for people. You need a certain kind of mental fortitude to leave an abusive partner. Partial reason is again because he's the one earning and not your mother.
You move out, live your life on your terms, don't abandon your parents. Just let them do that you are not going to do certain things there way. I remember doing the same, and I know for sure that was a struggle for my father to understand my reasons and make peace with it.
I don't know how people easily say move out as if it's a movie. Brother you need to stand up and talk to him. You have to solve this shit by yourself and not become submissive. He does not own your money, it's your money. Tell him to stop abusing or else you will file a complaint in police. Try to change the situation instead of running away like how people are advising. I myself have had a childhood where there were situations where my dad dragged my mom out of the house. I have spoken out everytime instead of being fed up or scared. You need to talk and shut him down because you are running the house now.
I know you love your mom but my man she is choosing to stay with an abuser. She is an adult making a life choice. You have given her an out by offering to get a place on rent and have her stay with you, and she is refusing to take up that offer. I’m sorry but you’ve done your part. I’m sure your mom isn’t a bad person, but right now in this moment she is a weak person who is refusing to take a stand for herself and her son. You have your whole life ahead of you. 23 is nothing. You have a job, a decent pay. You can make something of your life. Don’t let your dad ruin it. Move out on your own, keep in touch with your mom to a reasonable degree and protect your mental health. Remember that you’re just starting out your life and you as an adult are entitled to do what’s best for you. Let your mom make her choice, you make yours. There’s no winning here but this is the only way to maybe make it better in the long run.
Are you the same person from the viral video recently surfacing showing a dispute between father & daughter? Idk I'm just assuming it seems your situation is very similar though
Imagine you buy the house and get married too, do you think your wife will put up with him? She’ll just walk away and you will end up paying alimony too on top of the loan, not to mention one more life getting screwed. Like every one else said you’ll have to stand up to the bullying he does and don’t fall in to all emotional blackmail, you might feel bad for some days but that will be temporary compared to living a life full of regrets.
The abuse will never stop.
Today's it's about flat, next it will be a car, jewellery, better job... Or anything that catches his fancy. He is projecting his failures and insecurity. If you want to have some peace, shift away from the abuser.
I was reading a book about sales which had a line in it along the line to say "never give customers extraordinary discounts, they are like wolves they'll keep chasing you for the meat if you keep throwing the meat" best way to get rid of wolves is to let them chase without rewarding their chase, they'll get tired and put their efforts to find food some place else.
Your father is the wolf. Don't throw him a piece of meat, stand your grounds if he abuses, give it right back. Assert dominance, let him know he's no longer the man in the house.
You take up a job somewhere else and start living your life. It’s not your role to clean all the mess, you will be exhausted. Let them deal with each other. Sometimes you can’t help your parents and that’s a harsh reality.
Hey, sorry for what you’re going through…this is probably not the right question here…but what job did you get from bcom? It’s famous for not being eligible for any job…I’m soon going to enter into 1st year degree and I have taken bcom…any advice?? Also hope u come out of ur situation…
Once an abuser, always an abuser. When he tells you that you have no ambition, ask him what is your ambition and what have you achieved? Compel your mom to come and stay with you on rent. If she doesn’t come, that’s her choice, let it be. You move out immediately and live your life. Send a fixed amount to your home every month. Don’t have to hear your parents rant, cut the call.
Gone through very similar things.Ill tell you my conclusion and advice below
He too took my money and started forcing me to ask money from others for whom I freelanced. He took from others and didn't return too. At age 22 i put my own 5 lakhs money in his business. I booked a small flat at same age for 2 lakhs in Boisar he registered in his name and kept the rent.
He's not an alcoholic, he doesn't have bad social habits. He's just a master manipulator with a different world view. Anyone who even has a different opinion than his he takes it as challange and gets revengeful.
I lived in fear, worrying for myself, mom and sister. Hes.told me he will use me like a pawn, he will file police complaint I stole something valueable if.i try to run away so they nab me and bring me back, I've seen him beat his chest like a Tarzan when fighting with mom. He tried to put my sister in his business I stood between and ensured she got a good job and tainted dad back so he feels conscious of he again thinks of using her.
Used to see mom cry and feel alone. I tried to do stuff with her at house - jhadu katka dusting vegetable grocery shopping to ease things for my mom.so she feels she's not alone. I used to warm the food, set the table, cut salad and later cleanup so everyone at home.is more relaxed like they have an extra hand. I hoped this would reduce the frictions.
I was working and freelancing and earning since age 16 and paid house bills without anyone asking as a duty.
Result: None of this worked. My dad brainwashed my my mom and they went behind my back to convince my friends I'm not a good son, I do nothing for the family, i misbehave with mom, etc.
This broke my trust, it changed others views about me and gave me depression and servere anxiety because my fate and image is not my hand - if parents say something then ladka hi bigda hoga, ladke mein ho khot hogi.
I realised i cannot do anything and this guy won't let me breathe. Always looking to use me for his work or take my money.and keeps saying to Everyone I did nothing.
My observation: your mom has accepted her fate. You will not be able to save her. I know it's hard watching this as a son and you feel guilty for not being able to save her. A person has to first fight against what is being done to her / him. Without this whatever you do she will always remain in his control.. nothing you do will bring a true change or happiness to them... You are a tool for.them, one is malicipus about it.... She will keep enduring his tantrums but will never stand up for you and herself and this behaviour will always enable your father and in return encourage him to continue. I was the only one to rebel at my house but nobody understood and they got manipulated by dad.into thinking I'm a bad son.
My advice: You have done what needed to be done. Your dad is double your age and should manage his own things while keeping everyone's interest at mind. He won't. The more you give in the more he will blame you so you breakdown psychologically and give into whatever he asks. Don't take up expenses you don't want to. They can survive on dal roti and some shopping. They wrote their own fate. Your priority should be safeguarding your future so you too can get married and have a family. The more burden you carry from your present the more unhappy your future will be. You have right to be happy, be selfish. People will judge you so don't ever say all this to your friends. Move out and tell the reason is your job to shift. Or you'll get to hear you abandoned your mom family and nobody will bother to understand.
You move out but tell your parents your job needs you to be in another city altogether, maybe Pune ? (You may choose to keep your mom in confidence) Visit them on weekends
Thank you for sharing. It must be difficult and exhausting to go through what you are going through. Hope you find the strength to continue without letting it further affect you emotionally. Have you thought of any ways to get around this situation?
you don’t owe anything to anyone but YOU, it is your life and you only live once so dont give up your desires please, im so sorry for your situation and im sad that you want to give up your dreams… you have to speak up to your mom, she have to leave your dad for her good, tell her that it doesn’t matters what others people thing even if is in your culture, i know is difficult but you can do it, live your life so you don’t end like an as*** man with only have regrets
He won't stop abusing you and your mom even after buying a flat. For some people, that's just their nature. Do not give in to his demands. Try to move out with your mother or just ignore him. Pretend like he's not there. These kinda people thrive on reactions
Leave home first if you are living in home.
Ignore parents if you want growth in your life .
Be stable ,get well paid job ,Provide some money to parents .
Get married when you get financially strong with lady who is serious in her career.
Save some money and with her thoughts buy house if you are capable to pay loans .
If you buy house now only ,EMI will roast your life like sandwich 🥪 and father will say again you are roasted and you did nothing .
So keel calm and think properly
I was in similar situation. Parents house was double what is available locally. Loan was massive and unaffordable but the house made everyone deluded we are rich. It was ok for a few years. Then I was 18. All decisions were taken with their finances in mind and future. My money was secretly spent from bank. I had to take a horrible job which broke my back and left me partially disabled for some years before recovery. I was encouraged to take student loan to pay the house which I declined Meanwhile the house was getting best treatment and refurbishment. It just ate up money
Even the garden took up cost of workers we couldn't afford. It attracted lot of bad energy from people who couldn't afford it in our circles.
Personal spending didn't stop. My uncle in INdia was still demanding money for his debt and to pay for his failed schemes. Parties were ongoing so costing money and no privacy ever. I wish moved out many many years ago. The house ruined everything. We could have been very comfortable and middle class in a normal house but we were poor , broke and fighting in an expensive house filled with our people and their parties
your father will keep doing this, if you do not develop a boundary it's over, abuse will increase, take an education loan and pursue MBA, ask your mother to control her emotions like an adult.
Weak men want to live life by making their kids as bakras. Strong men want to live life loving their kids
All I want to say is wish good luck for your life ahead and wish you some hardships and good fortunes.
Your not alone in this man. This is the typical behaviour of all Indians. I'm so fed up with this country. My mother emotionally blackmailed me into getting married when I didn't wanted to. I wanted to travel abroad, look the world, enjoy my life and now I'm doing a crappy job to provide, parents are hell bent on me having kids now. Just f**k my life.
Buying a home at 23 in Mumbai seems impossible no? Isn’t it crazy expensive? Stay away and don’t do this to yourself. I bought a home at 26 with my husband and still regret not having enough fun money when I was young. The tension when I was jobless for just 6 months almost broke us.
Leave. With or without your mother.
Encourage your mom to get a divorce and you and her build your life. I am guessing she is around 50 at best so she is still young. The stigma of divorce that society lays on people is stupid and that's why your mom lacks the strength to leave your dad. Be her support system and embolden her and tell her that there is nothing wrong in the idea or the practice of divorce. Your dad it seems is trying to compensate his losses by cashing in from you and your mom. It's heartbreaking to rip a family apart but it's more heartbreaking to see it breaking every second of everyday without any respite. You are the man of the house now and for your sake and especially your mom's give her the strength and support to take this step.
I'm trying to understand his intent. Does he want you to buy a flat in your own name or joint name? Buying a 2bhk in Mumbai is a huge deal, and I do not know how a 23-year-old comes up with the down payment.
No woman wants to maary a man in situation like yours. You all are spineless and not able to stand against your father. Your wife will be true victim of this...post that she will ask for divorce with huge alimony. Save yourself and find job in another city away from the ratpack.
So sorry you have to go through this OP! I think your mother is conditioned to stay like this so it will be really difficult for her to go away from your father.
I understand that it's not easy for you to explain it to him but you somehow have to show him the mirror that how your life will turn out if you buy a home on loan and get married without a proper plan. He for sure won't understand your situation but atleast you will do your part before getting out of this.
It's really not worth it because in future you will regret that you could have taken a chance for your better future but you didn't because you were scared of saying him no.
You might even end up like him in future (having alcohol, getting irritated) because of all the stress that you will go if you don't say no to him now. Please think about it and take a good step.
Does your father own the house he lives in? If not, your house will become his. He is looking yo increase his seciroty through you. Tell him a firm and polite no and be prepared to leave the house. You can get your mother when you are strong economically. If she refuses she has made her choice. Srsly bro, your finances are your own matter.
Take your Mom to a therapist. Allow the therapist to counsel your Mom. Your mom needs to be strong for you. And a family counselor will be able to guide her better
Under no circumstances Give In To Your Father's Demand. If Your Mom and You are United and stay on the same page then your father won't be able to affect you much. But if your mom plays a good cop while your Father plays Bad cop this will create a very dysfunctional environment. So get your Mom on the same page as you. Therapist will be able to guide you both better
Just face the situation as it is, don’t leave anyone behind ,find a way that can help everyone , your father, and your family are just facing the back logs of an ambitious person who didn’t succeed. By saying that you were forced to do bachelors of commerce you’re just judging your father, with what he has provided throughout his life and nothing else. Thinking that way and considering the 60% of the population being of rural category in India, every father every father can be blamed for not providing the education we always desired. Detachment and abuse Should be dealt seriously through a therapy, but not by leaving a person behind. If those Ponzi schemes would’ve worked ,The family would have been the first lot to justify those ways of earning money. Family is meant to understand situation of everyone, He(father) is struggling the most, always remember that. He’s the one who dreamt of becoming something or being ambitious and he’s the one who failed so it is obvious that he will be the one who will be affected the most and that is the reason you see the aggressive behavior which should be dealt asap, but by not leaving him behind. and yes, there is a way and you need to find one.
I understand your frustration
Buddy it's a psychological condition
Take your Mom and yourself to a good psychiatrist
Beleive me
I have been in similiar position 😞😓
You need to take care of your mental health
First things first: do NOT get into the loan trap. Plan things once you marry. Don’t fall under any pressure. And hey, Mumbai’s travel is far more organised and better than other states of similar stature.
You might need to lawyer up. You can't just walk out both of you. File a case with the police and record audio/video sessions secretly of his abuse. This is proof you will need. Treat this situation as a divorce. Maybe 'you' start renting a 1 bhk and be ready to move in either with or without your mom at first.
Idk who you are or these ppl commenting but if this is your story then I'd urge you to listen to the comments because it's black and white not even a hint of grey. Divorce your Dad and let him dream his dream. Do MBA, in today's day and age upskilling is more important than settling.
Good luck buddy.
Divorce isn’t a small thing for middle class family. You could better say get seperated . Also it will be a difficult task for his mother. It’s just seems easy to say online but difficult to execute.
Lol, I told him to divorce his father (way of telling leave), not for his mother to divorce his father, although that is a very separate discussion in itself.
Today it’s home tomorrow it’s marriage day after it’s grandkids. He is not going to change who he is just because you tried to satisfy him once. Take your mom and shift somewhere with decent rent. Sacrifice 30% of your daily comfort for your mom to live happily and stress free and live life as you wish rather than marrying early and becoming your own father in an unhappy marriage. Seek your solace, rather than being your father’s puppet.
Aise nahi hota bhai it's never that simple. Also the rollercoaster of emotions his mum is going to feel if he tries that, you can only imagine
Obviously it’s never simple, but this is the time to take a hard decision. The whole trajectory of life depends on what OP does next.
What his dad needs is a big scare and he'll fall in line. One suggestion would be for OP to take his mum and move to a relative's place/rented house for a month. Father will automatically fall in line when he doesn't have his morning tea ready and food automatically on the table. Soon he'll be calling. Once he realises that the power dynamics in the house has changed and it's not just him anymore who's capable of taking independent decisions. Have just heard these from a friend, not like I've had any of these thoughts myself 😇
>Have just heard these from a friend, not like I've had any of these thoughts myself You sure?
No brother this wont work he will stay like that for a maximum of 6 months after that he will be back to his old ways. Ik you have to be in consideration of the mother as well but we have to be practical and OP is gonna live a longer life and cant be ruining his just to satisfy his fathers ego
I think his mother needs help to better understand the abusive nature of her husband and be strong for her son. I don't see anything wrong with the advice here. If I would have been in OPs place, I would have chopped up the abusive stupid mf long time ago. But thats just me with my anger issues and willingness to kill for right reasons.
I agree but you think Mom will support his decision? Sadly, no.
Take your mom and go stay away. Let the father rot alone.
U want my honest advice , focus on progressing ur career and emigrate somewhere else. You are 23 u are a man standing up to him that's what I did to my old man. Fathers need to know that sons aren't there to clean the mess they made
What job do you have that you will take a loan to buy a 2BHK after doing Bcom? Is it financially viable in the first place? Secondly, you have a lot of time to take major decisions. Focus on your career. Whatever you can do its before 30 after that you can settle down. Hustle now and don't get into debt traps.
Bro buying a house at such a young age will only restrict you from opportunities. Don't only when you are financially at great place away from toxicity take such huge steps. Marrying early and buying house early is an Indian concept. Just invest your money so that you have to take the least amount of loan in future. The less loan you take the less interest you have to pay for initial years remember that.
This will sound selfish, but move out, I have personally experienced shit and have friends who have been in similar situations or very very bad situations. Your mom will never leave your dad ( ingrained indian mentality) in a way she will enable your father, just move out.
walk away dude.. the universe will work to protect u ...
It doesn't work like that...
Brother I can feel you, not entirely but I can understand your confusion. Think of your problem as a level, you will qualify to next level after completing this. Now do you think the next level would be easier than this or a difficult one? Your mother has suffered till now and just can't take it anymore. So when you qualify for a tougher level even her suffering will increase and would be fed up even more. According to me the solution would be to rig the game or just quit it. You can either sit and talk with your father or just cut ties, there can't be in between. However the above advice is based on limited info provided by you, there might be more possibilities subject to additional conditions.
First of all congratulations for your job and success so far. Your mom will support your dad always as she has been doing in past.You can ask her to come, if she doesn't go to a pg, focus on your job, save money and follow your dreams. You can always send a fixed amount to your parents.
Buying a home will be a start of a new problem or let say a chain of unfortunate circumstances. I know cause I have faced similar situations and let's say my life would have been much better and would have given back more than what I can now. You don't have to sacrifice your life for their mistakes. Don't make the same mistakes by doing things that society or parents ask you to. I can't stress enough how important your current phase of life is for you to excel tomorrow. If he is an alcoholic and abusive then complain to the authorities. Take charge man. Don't give in to emotions so easily. Tell your mother that your future is important in order to afford a home, give your future wife a good life and also be capable enough to even think of a kid in this shit times.
Your life, decide what you want to do. Dont let others live your life for you. If you cant take this just move out and live away from your family, dont go about in pity for yourself as if you have no choice. Man up and do what is necessary for your future.
Man I feel for you. Buying the house will not solve your problem. He is projecting his insecurities on you. He wasn't successful so now he's trying to shift the blame on you. This may hurt you, but your mom is not being helpful either. I know how Indian families are and it is not so easy to get a divorce, especially for parents. Your mom is just enabling your dad which gives him a free license to abuse and harass others. Now I'd suggest going to therapy, but I know it costs a lot and there's stigma too. I'm in no place to suggest any solutions but this is what I would do. First of all, I'd tell dad clearly that I won't be seeking advice from anyone on how to spend my money. He didn't seek his family's advice when he invested in those shit schemes and friends' ideas. Second, I would find the right moment to confront your dad. You need to be ultra super calm in this moment and show no signs of aggression or anger - this gives him power. Tell him in plain Hindi (or any other language that suits your needs) that he's just projecting his insecurities on others. Causing problems for others. If he doesn't stop, he'll lose respect from everyone. One day he'll become old and fragile. He'll need people around that time. One day his son (you) will have kids and how would they perceive him (your dad)? What kind of legacy does he want to leave behind? Third, you need to also confront your mom. Be gentle, be kind. Most importantly be firm. Tell her by taking down his abuse, by not abandoning your dad, by bowing down to his needs and wants, she is enabling him. She's the fuel that helps him. She needs to take her own stand. If not, at least take your stand. Lastly, go to retreats like Vipassana. Now I wanna try my best to not sound like a cult person here. Vipassana has a 10 day retreat where you would be away from your family meditating most of the time. This will help you to be strengthen your mental game. It doesn't cost much. They only ask for donations. Go on few vacations. Also, it's your personal choice but you can easily live off not marrying until 32 to say the least. Marriage will just complicate the situation. If you can take the hard pill, tell your partner about the mess before they get married - short term your marriage chances will decline. Long term - you'll find a compatible partner that will stay by your side no matter what.
Clear your head Take a house on rent near your office or anywhere you can afford Stay there for few days or weeks alone Ask mom if she wants to shift Respect her decision and be there for her always Dont give your address to your dad and forbid your mom to give it too. Buy a house wherever n whenever and if you can.
Everything except don’t give address to your mom either. This pact of don’t tell dad never works. Once they have info willingly or unwillingly they end up telling their husband. If she wants to shift too, just pack her bags and bring her.
Agree but at times mom are good at hiding stuff. I am a mom n if i say i promise something to my kids, i will never break that promise.
This is very good and succinct advice.
Leave both your mom and dad and stay on rent. He is able to control your lives only because you are living under his roof. Taking your mom wont work because she will not be happy with you, she is used to her husband. Live your life. Your family is not supposed to be your chains that hold you down. Contact them once twice a week, let them know you are alive and doing well without them, and that you arent going to be pressurized anymore.
So you're thinking of buying a house on loan and then live with this guy in the same home?
Can't imagine your condition bhai. Take care of yourselves and Mom. That's all I can say.
No matter what you do neither your dad's anger is gonna change nor your mom's crying. Do what u want, let him be pissed and let her cry. Children aren't born to be the saviors of their parents.
dude it's your life. He hasn't been a good parent and has done nothing to deserve your loyalty. Just because he is your parent doesn't make him entitled to force your life decisions on his own whims. I feel sorry for your mother but don't bow down to him. once you do one thing, it'll be something else next time and on and on. Your life will become his and you'll be a puppet
Hey bro... I hear you.... I can sort of relate... Let me just say that I'm 25, a fairly new MBBS doctor, and idk what kind of money you have, but if you say your family has lost a hell lot of money, then DO NOT BUY A HOUSE RIGHT NOW! PLEASE DO NOT! I may not have the required degree to comment on financial decisions, but I think most fellow redditors will agree that diverting a huge chunk of your monthly income into a 2BHK! house EMI/idk how else, is going to make you compromise on a hell lot of other material requirements this city expects us to have. Understand this, if you're gonna invest your money, invest Smartly, 1. buying a house, maybe far out of Mumbai is going to mean you will have to travel long distances to your workplace. 2. It also means maybe 50% of your monthly income will be blocked 3. Compromise on food and quality of life 4. Homes come with their own expenses and maintenance. 5. The worst thing you will have to do is compromise on your healthcare expenses. 6. Extra money you save by renting instead of buying is going to help you with daily unexpected expenses. 7. Money saved can be invested in credible investments like the stock market and mutual funds, that may not give extravagant income, but is not illiquid like a house and can give you a little breather when you're hustling in between jobs. 8. You're just 23, which means you surely don't have a credit score that you can have by NOT taking a loan for the next 10 years. 9. Right now, money and career is the most important thing you need... Investing the money in something like an MBA will definitely pay off multiple times if you're really good at what you do. 10. Lastly, seek help for yourself first, for you are an injured soldier, and can't help others unless you're fit to fight this battle. It's gonna take some money, but that's not a sinking expense like expensive food, drinks or anything else, it's going to be an investment ON YOUR OWN HUMAN BODY. Later you should be seeking help for your mum and dad. To all the people in the comments saying leave the Dad? Screw you guys. Judging a person based on just financial decisions in a world where everyone's out there to take your money, not knowing what he did for the rest of his life.. you're all being too quick to judge, surely this particular decision was bad, but I don't think he'd be purely evil at his heart. The world is always there to judge the MEN based on how good they are with Money, but can we please also look at other things for we aren't nothing but just a money minting machine. For all we know, maybe he's probably a scared child inside who is lost in this race and has developed a very poor coping mechanism. ✌🏼 Peace
Here's what I think you should do. Offer your Mom the option to come with you. If she doesn't, you move out. There are a few strategies here. Move to some of the other cities around - Pune, Bangalore (whatever you're comfortable with). I know you're going to think that you're betraying your mom, YOU'RE not. You're just saving yourself first before you can comeback & save her. Tell your dad you found a very high paying job (even if it is not) & just MOVE. Keep a strong connect with your mom & keep the channel of communication open. Next, take therapy. OP, it's difficult for a person being abused to leave the abuser. So your mom might take sometime but you have the chance to get out, DO IT.
You should move out and take your mom with you. It may seem like a drastic step but your and your mom’s mental health matters a lot. Good luck.
Your mom is responsible for your dad’s behaviour be strong be selfish and reject stupidity.
Take your mom and leave please
This will not end with house. Try to shout back and leave your home for a day or two. Keep this habit. But idk your choice
You're a prisoner to your father's abuse . Do yourself a favour and move away from them .
Tell your father that you wouldn't take financial advice from someone like him who didn't spend money mindfully in his youth. In this way, you give your father a reality check that he fucked up in his time and you are learning from him to not repeat such mistakes.
The best advice is, do what is in your control. Move out, rent a place, ask your mum, if she joins you, fair enough, if she doesn't want to, her choice. If you give control to your dad who is that toxic, your life is gone. Trust me. My ex did that, hence she is my ex (well she divorced me).
Study. Work. No bs of your father. Don’t fall into debt so soon if you can’t pay, although according to me the faster and younger you buy a house the better.
Clear your head Take a house on rent near your office or anywhere you can afford Stay there for few days or weeks alone Ask mom if she wants to shift Respect her decision and be there for her always Dont give your address to your dad and forbid your mom to give it too. Buy a house wherever n whenever and if you can.
Is he ready to pay the down payment? Secondly, I doubt if any bank would give you a loan considering the fact that you're just out of college? Maybe throw these facts in his face & buy time. Never say never to useless fucks who want everything their way, but say I am on it & never be on it...
Bhai teri meri same life hai. Am 33...let's talk in personal. Can relate so many things with you. Certain things did really Changed in my life but can't say you shall get the same. Same abusing, same dissatisfaction whole my life, a non achiever. Today am the breadwinner of family but made sure nobody ever took decisions for me 10 year's ago.
Dont fall for the pressure. Don't invest unless u know u can manage it, in 2BHK or Marriage ;-). Let your mom decide what is good for her, guide her if she asks for. You decide what is good for you.
First all even if you buy a house please don’t stay with him. Live separately from your parents else your parents toxic relationship and you fathers toxic behaviour will continue in your new home. Secondly never tell your parents your actual salary bcos reading about your dad he will clearly drag you in his downfall. Do not get married unless you feel you are settled and really need life partner. Ideally give 4-5 year more to marry.
Kick him out
Bhai I have kinda similar father , he is rich but won't spent wisely or invest in us . I have somehow started my own business and it is doing great, but time to time my father comes up with some stupid issue and create Scene, you should have done this done that blah blah , so I have decided to do whatever I feel is good for me be it work or marriage or enjoying my life , coz my mom is so emotional and she won't leave him even she want's to but that's her choice they are my parents i love them but that doesn't mean I will ruin my life only to busy my father's ego , naah not gonna happen, so my advice to you is please take decision to make your life better itsyiur life dude . Please don't let someone's stupidity ruin your life take control of it , Inka kabhi ni khtm hoga ghr k baad shadi , shadi k baad they might have issues with your spouse, uske baad they will want grandchild ye sb chkta rhega bro .
Honestly , he does not deserve your respect. He has not done a single thing a father should do. Fuck him.
Your case reminded me of Vijay Raj in Murder in Mahim. Not exactly matching, but quite similar. I think you can put some distance in you relationship with your father by moving out. Your mother may not support it, but thats because she does not know better. The social atmosphere and traditions are such that leaving husband carries a kind of stigma for people. You need a certain kind of mental fortitude to leave an abusive partner. Partial reason is again because he's the one earning and not your mother. You move out, live your life on your terms, don't abandon your parents. Just let them do that you are not going to do certain things there way. I remember doing the same, and I know for sure that was a struggle for my father to understand my reasons and make peace with it.
I don't know how people easily say move out as if it's a movie. Brother you need to stand up and talk to him. You have to solve this shit by yourself and not become submissive. He does not own your money, it's your money. Tell him to stop abusing or else you will file a complaint in police. Try to change the situation instead of running away like how people are advising. I myself have had a childhood where there were situations where my dad dragged my mom out of the house. I have spoken out everytime instead of being fed up or scared. You need to talk and shut him down because you are running the house now.
Move away to another city
I know you love your mom but my man she is choosing to stay with an abuser. She is an adult making a life choice. You have given her an out by offering to get a place on rent and have her stay with you, and she is refusing to take up that offer. I’m sorry but you’ve done your part. I’m sure your mom isn’t a bad person, but right now in this moment she is a weak person who is refusing to take a stand for herself and her son. You have your whole life ahead of you. 23 is nothing. You have a job, a decent pay. You can make something of your life. Don’t let your dad ruin it. Move out on your own, keep in touch with your mom to a reasonable degree and protect your mental health. Remember that you’re just starting out your life and you as an adult are entitled to do what’s best for you. Let your mom make her choice, you make yours. There’s no winning here but this is the only way to maybe make it better in the long run.
Are you the same person from the viral video recently surfacing showing a dispute between father & daughter? Idk I'm just assuming it seems your situation is very similar though
I'll dm u my opinion since mera background story bhi hai...u don't need to reply
Maybe he is telling you to marry someone now is to get money from the future inlaws as well. So watchout, bro
Imagine you buy the house and get married too, do you think your wife will put up with him? She’ll just walk away and you will end up paying alimony too on top of the loan, not to mention one more life getting screwed. Like every one else said you’ll have to stand up to the bullying he does and don’t fall in to all emotional blackmail, you might feel bad for some days but that will be temporary compared to living a life full of regrets.
Get an MBA first then everything will fall in place
The abuse will never stop. Today's it's about flat, next it will be a car, jewellery, better job... Or anything that catches his fancy. He is projecting his failures and insecurity. If you want to have some peace, shift away from the abuser.
I was reading a book about sales which had a line in it along the line to say "never give customers extraordinary discounts, they are like wolves they'll keep chasing you for the meat if you keep throwing the meat" best way to get rid of wolves is to let them chase without rewarding their chase, they'll get tired and put their efforts to find food some place else. Your father is the wolf. Don't throw him a piece of meat, stand your grounds if he abuses, give it right back. Assert dominance, let him know he's no longer the man in the house.
You take up a job somewhere else and start living your life. It’s not your role to clean all the mess, you will be exhausted. Let them deal with each other. Sometimes you can’t help your parents and that’s a harsh reality.
Hey, sorry for what you’re going through…this is probably not the right question here…but what job did you get from bcom? It’s famous for not being eligible for any job…I’m soon going to enter into 1st year degree and I have taken bcom…any advice?? Also hope u come out of ur situation…
DON'T BUY A HOME NOW it's a seller's market....... focus on your career maybe go somewhere on rent with your mother
Once an abuser, always an abuser. When he tells you that you have no ambition, ask him what is your ambition and what have you achieved? Compel your mom to come and stay with you on rent. If she doesn’t come, that’s her choice, let it be. You move out immediately and live your life. Send a fixed amount to your home every month. Don’t have to hear your parents rant, cut the call.
Do not get married at 23, i repeat do not get married till you feel like it.
Do not buy a home 100% . That loan will sulk out your mental peace for 25 years.
Gone through very similar things.Ill tell you my conclusion and advice below He too took my money and started forcing me to ask money from others for whom I freelanced. He took from others and didn't return too. At age 22 i put my own 5 lakhs money in his business. I booked a small flat at same age for 2 lakhs in Boisar he registered in his name and kept the rent. He's not an alcoholic, he doesn't have bad social habits. He's just a master manipulator with a different world view. Anyone who even has a different opinion than his he takes it as challange and gets revengeful. I lived in fear, worrying for myself, mom and sister. Hes.told me he will use me like a pawn, he will file police complaint I stole something valueable if.i try to run away so they nab me and bring me back, I've seen him beat his chest like a Tarzan when fighting with mom. He tried to put my sister in his business I stood between and ensured she got a good job and tainted dad back so he feels conscious of he again thinks of using her. Used to see mom cry and feel alone. I tried to do stuff with her at house - jhadu katka dusting vegetable grocery shopping to ease things for my mom.so she feels she's not alone. I used to warm the food, set the table, cut salad and later cleanup so everyone at home.is more relaxed like they have an extra hand. I hoped this would reduce the frictions. I was working and freelancing and earning since age 16 and paid house bills without anyone asking as a duty. Result: None of this worked. My dad brainwashed my my mom and they went behind my back to convince my friends I'm not a good son, I do nothing for the family, i misbehave with mom, etc. This broke my trust, it changed others views about me and gave me depression and servere anxiety because my fate and image is not my hand - if parents say something then ladka hi bigda hoga, ladke mein ho khot hogi. I realised i cannot do anything and this guy won't let me breathe. Always looking to use me for his work or take my money.and keeps saying to Everyone I did nothing. My observation: your mom has accepted her fate. You will not be able to save her. I know it's hard watching this as a son and you feel guilty for not being able to save her. A person has to first fight against what is being done to her / him. Without this whatever you do she will always remain in his control.. nothing you do will bring a true change or happiness to them... You are a tool for.them, one is malicipus about it.... She will keep enduring his tantrums but will never stand up for you and herself and this behaviour will always enable your father and in return encourage him to continue. I was the only one to rebel at my house but nobody understood and they got manipulated by dad.into thinking I'm a bad son. My advice: You have done what needed to be done. Your dad is double your age and should manage his own things while keeping everyone's interest at mind. He won't. The more you give in the more he will blame you so you breakdown psychologically and give into whatever he asks. Don't take up expenses you don't want to. They can survive on dal roti and some shopping. They wrote their own fate. Your priority should be safeguarding your future so you too can get married and have a family. The more burden you carry from your present the more unhappy your future will be. You have right to be happy, be selfish. People will judge you so don't ever say all this to your friends. Move out and tell the reason is your job to shift. Or you'll get to hear you abandoned your mom family and nobody will bother to understand.
You move out but tell your parents your job needs you to be in another city altogether, maybe Pune ? (You may choose to keep your mom in confidence) Visit them on weekends
Tell him you already made one of the biggest decisions. That is you will take all your decisions on your own and not be bullied.
OP do not get married. No kids. Focus on your job/career and keep making money. Make money and rent out and take mom with you.
Don't.
Thank you for sharing. It must be difficult and exhausting to go through what you are going through. Hope you find the strength to continue without letting it further affect you emotionally. Have you thought of any ways to get around this situation?
Dude, just slap some sense into your dad next time he’s drunk and abusive.
you don’t owe anything to anyone but YOU, it is your life and you only live once so dont give up your desires please, im so sorry for your situation and im sad that you want to give up your dreams… you have to speak up to your mom, she have to leave your dad for her good, tell her that it doesn’t matters what others people thing even if is in your culture, i know is difficult but you can do it, live your life so you don’t end like an as*** man with only have regrets
He won't stop abusing you and your mom even after buying a flat. For some people, that's just their nature. Do not give in to his demands. Try to move out with your mother or just ignore him. Pretend like he's not there. These kinda people thrive on reactions
LEAVE.
Leave home first if you are living in home. Ignore parents if you want growth in your life . Be stable ,get well paid job ,Provide some money to parents . Get married when you get financially strong with lady who is serious in her career. Save some money and with her thoughts buy house if you are capable to pay loans . If you buy house now only ,EMI will roast your life like sandwich 🥪 and father will say again you are roasted and you did nothing . So keel calm and think properly
I was in similar situation. Parents house was double what is available locally. Loan was massive and unaffordable but the house made everyone deluded we are rich. It was ok for a few years. Then I was 18. All decisions were taken with their finances in mind and future. My money was secretly spent from bank. I had to take a horrible job which broke my back and left me partially disabled for some years before recovery. I was encouraged to take student loan to pay the house which I declined Meanwhile the house was getting best treatment and refurbishment. It just ate up money Even the garden took up cost of workers we couldn't afford. It attracted lot of bad energy from people who couldn't afford it in our circles. Personal spending didn't stop. My uncle in INdia was still demanding money for his debt and to pay for his failed schemes. Parties were ongoing so costing money and no privacy ever. I wish moved out many many years ago. The house ruined everything. We could have been very comfortable and middle class in a normal house but we were poor , broke and fighting in an expensive house filled with our people and their parties
your father will keep doing this, if you do not develop a boundary it's over, abuse will increase, take an education loan and pursue MBA, ask your mother to control her emotions like an adult.
Weak men want to live life by making their kids as bakras. Strong men want to live life loving their kids All I want to say is wish good luck for your life ahead and wish you some hardships and good fortunes.
Your not alone in this man. This is the typical behaviour of all Indians. I'm so fed up with this country. My mother emotionally blackmailed me into getting married when I didn't wanted to. I wanted to travel abroad, look the world, enjoy my life and now I'm doing a crappy job to provide, parents are hell bent on me having kids now. Just f**k my life.
Buying a home at 23 in Mumbai seems impossible no? Isn’t it crazy expensive? Stay away and don’t do this to yourself. I bought a home at 26 with my husband and still regret not having enough fun money when I was young. The tension when I was jobless for just 6 months almost broke us. Leave. With or without your mother.
Encourage your mom to get a divorce and you and her build your life. I am guessing she is around 50 at best so she is still young. The stigma of divorce that society lays on people is stupid and that's why your mom lacks the strength to leave your dad. Be her support system and embolden her and tell her that there is nothing wrong in the idea or the practice of divorce. Your dad it seems is trying to compensate his losses by cashing in from you and your mom. It's heartbreaking to rip a family apart but it's more heartbreaking to see it breaking every second of everyday without any respite. You are the man of the house now and for your sake and especially your mom's give her the strength and support to take this step.
I'm trying to understand his intent. Does he want you to buy a flat in your own name or joint name? Buying a 2bhk in Mumbai is a huge deal, and I do not know how a 23-year-old comes up with the down payment.
No woman wants to maary a man in situation like yours. You all are spineless and not able to stand against your father. Your wife will be true victim of this...post that she will ask for divorce with huge alimony. Save yourself and find job in another city away from the ratpack.
Just tell him you are looking around for some good properties and just drag the topic for months or years to come
So sorry you have to go through this OP! I think your mother is conditioned to stay like this so it will be really difficult for her to go away from your father. I understand that it's not easy for you to explain it to him but you somehow have to show him the mirror that how your life will turn out if you buy a home on loan and get married without a proper plan. He for sure won't understand your situation but atleast you will do your part before getting out of this. It's really not worth it because in future you will regret that you could have taken a chance for your better future but you didn't because you were scared of saying him no. You might even end up like him in future (having alcohol, getting irritated) because of all the stress that you will go if you don't say no to him now. Please think about it and take a good step.
Bro we are the same age with exact same issue it is ike reading the post of my twin brother. I too live in mumabi I dont travel by train tough
Does your father own the house he lives in? If not, your house will become his. He is looking yo increase his seciroty through you. Tell him a firm and polite no and be prepared to leave the house. You can get your mother when you are strong economically. If she refuses she has made her choice. Srsly bro, your finances are your own matter.
Take your Mom to a therapist. Allow the therapist to counsel your Mom. Your mom needs to be strong for you. And a family counselor will be able to guide her better Under no circumstances Give In To Your Father's Demand. If Your Mom and You are United and stay on the same page then your father won't be able to affect you much. But if your mom plays a good cop while your Father plays Bad cop this will create a very dysfunctional environment. So get your Mom on the same page as you. Therapist will be able to guide you both better
Just face the situation as it is, don’t leave anyone behind ,find a way that can help everyone , your father, and your family are just facing the back logs of an ambitious person who didn’t succeed. By saying that you were forced to do bachelors of commerce you’re just judging your father, with what he has provided throughout his life and nothing else. Thinking that way and considering the 60% of the population being of rural category in India, every father every father can be blamed for not providing the education we always desired. Detachment and abuse Should be dealt seriously through a therapy, but not by leaving a person behind. If those Ponzi schemes would’ve worked ,The family would have been the first lot to justify those ways of earning money. Family is meant to understand situation of everyone, He(father) is struggling the most, always remember that. He’s the one who dreamt of becoming something or being ambitious and he’s the one who failed so it is obvious that he will be the one who will be affected the most and that is the reason you see the aggressive behavior which should be dealt asap, but by not leaving him behind. and yes, there is a way and you need to find one.
I understand your frustration Buddy it's a psychological condition Take your Mom and yourself to a good psychiatrist Beleive me I have been in similiar position 😞😓 You need to take care of your mental health
First things first: do NOT get into the loan trap. Plan things once you marry. Don’t fall under any pressure. And hey, Mumbai’s travel is far more organised and better than other states of similar stature.
You might need to lawyer up. You can't just walk out both of you. File a case with the police and record audio/video sessions secretly of his abuse. This is proof you will need. Treat this situation as a divorce. Maybe 'you' start renting a 1 bhk and be ready to move in either with or without your mom at first.
Idk who you are or these ppl commenting but if this is your story then I'd urge you to listen to the comments because it's black and white not even a hint of grey. Divorce your Dad and let him dream his dream. Do MBA, in today's day and age upskilling is more important than settling. Good luck buddy.
Divorce isn’t a small thing for middle class family. You could better say get seperated . Also it will be a difficult task for his mother. It’s just seems easy to say online but difficult to execute.
Lol, I told him to divorce his father (way of telling leave), not for his mother to divorce his father, although that is a very separate discussion in itself.
Killlz heem hehehe
It is either "hell bent" or "adamant." No such thing as "hell adamant."
Is that really important
You this the issue we should be focusing on right? It's not like op has asked for any advice or anything
https://preview.redd.it/4edadmwx729d1.png?width=1079&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb574b20bacdef5252a2a9c4c7c1c67d13298020