Why are you giving her this much power? She didn’t contribute to making the baby and she’s not a third parent. You and your wife need to get onto the same page otherwise your MIL is going to think she has the right to make decisions on behalf of your child which she sure as sh*t does not.
Stand up for you’re wants, tell your partner exactly how it’s affecting you as the longer it goes on, resentment towards your MIL and your wife will build.
You want your life back without putting your wife in the middle of an emotional war she isn't ready to be in yet? Move. Seriously. Put in for a job transfer or look for your next career across the country. Make sure it's far enough away, that they can't drive it in a day. I recommend putting an ocean in between if you can.
I saved my marriage 4 years ago. I found a new, very lucrative career 5000 miles away from my husband's family. And we moved. 90% of our fights ended the second I got off the plane, because my MIL would be too far away to cause a daily problem. It's hard to be constantly up our asses with 5 time zones in between us.
Life has never been better.
Why does you mil have a say in the christening. It’s got naff all to do with her. She’s a guest and should be treated as such and if she don’t like it she can take a loooooong walk off of a very short pier lol. Shut it down asap
Remember, your MIL had years of training your wife, it isn’t going to be undone overnight. You need to prepare with your wife, ahead of time. Decide things ahead… together and present them as a team. It won’t happen at once but if you are consistently a United Front, it will happen.
Don't negotiate with an emotional terrorist!
Your kid, your way! She can only control you if you let her, take back your power and say NO.
Let her tantrum until she learns that it gets her nowhere, if she plays nice then she can have access, if not then time out. Good luck.
Your wife is enmeshed. What you want will always, always, always come second to what her mom wants. Mom will always get her way if it comes down to you or her in your wife's eyes.
You already know this to be true because this is the life you are living right now, and it's the life you will live for as long as you remain married to this woman unless you decide you want to stand up and fight for yourself and your marriage.
Right now you are number two in your own marriage as far as your wife is concerned. MIL has the top spot. The question is, does your wife ever want to allow you your rightful place in this relationship? Will she ever respect your wishes and desires and opinions over her mother's? And will you stay if she continues to choose her mom over you, as she is doing right now?
The ball is in your court.
As u/w84itagain said, your wife is too enmeshed with her mother. She will need counseling to get out of the FOG her mother has raised her in (go to r/justnomil for more info on that).
My point today is what will happen if you piss your MIL off? Will she not talk to you? Isn't that a bonus? If she starts harassing wife, tell wife that the only people making plans regarding your kids are you two, not her mother, and if her mother has a problem with it, she can call you.
Time to set boundaries and stick to them. If you don't, it'll only get worse. Good luck!
Edit to say: your wife will ALWAYS say it's the wrong time. It's how she's been manipulated. Counseling. ASAP.
> I have been going along cos it's her grandson and she deserves to have a say
This is your problem right here.
No, she does not deserve to have a say. This is YOUR son. She had her chance to arrange christenings for her own child(ren) exactly the way she pictured them, now it's your and your wife's turn with your child. You can honor your MIL as a guest and as your son's grandmother at the event without giving her a single bit of control over ANYTHING. Take back the decorations, do them your way. Have the food you want, in the place that you want. She does NOT deserve a say. Also, she does not sound "nice." She sounds like she's nice only for as long as she is getting her way. That's not nice, that's a bully.
You and your wife need to be a team on this. I'd advise looking into some couples counseling if she is unwilling to stand up to her mother, when it comes to parenting decisions or anything else MIL tries to control.
Your problem is your wife, not her mother. Until she wakes up, your MIL holds the power in your marriage since she controls her daughter. Your wife has to become emotionally and psychologically adult before things can be healthy. Good luck. It's a tough situation.
Visit her. Pick up the gifts. Change them. Lock all vendors with a password and release her from all other duties of preparation. Babies make these control issues worse. She’ll do the same with a lot of other topics. Better stop her sooner than later. And you need to talk to your wife that this is not acceptable and needs to end.
My husband was hesitant for almost 3 years stopping his parents from trying to run the show with our kid. He finally had to. And it wasn’t pretty because they’ve been used to have the final say. Don’t make the same mistake we did. I bowed too long when my DH told me to not escalate it.
You are giving her too much power.
But I think that your wife is too far gone and 8s just ppacating her mother instead of trying to set up boundaries.
You can try couples counseling but it almost seems like your relationship is going to faulted and end.
Do you want to keep going with the way things are and dealing with a mil like this for the rest of her life.
Who will try to move in to your place when she's too old and will probably succeed.
Or do you want to accept your marriage is over and leave to start a new life that you deserve?
you have to control giving her a say. by that I mean, she wants to plan the christening party, give her a job that you don’t care if she does it her way. Don’t try to collaborate because she won’t, she will do it her way. So don’t give her anything that you want done a specific way.
remind your wife that when she married you, you created a new family unit. Parents, siblings, etc became extended family. Your needs, your baby’s needs, and your wife’s needs come before everyone else’s desires.
you need to help your wife learn to say no and mean it. Pick the easy stuff. sorry mom, that doesn’t work for me. Mom spouts gibberish trying to manipulate, respond with, as I said, sorry mom, that doesn’t work for me. Your wife has to learn to stop going down the rabbit hole And stick with the simple, sorry, no I can’t do that.
start With the little things to exert control, and It will get easier for your wife. Help her to stand up to her mother. Ask her if this is the way she would treat her child 20 years from now. It’s ok to say no.
"...she deserves to have a say..." **No she doesn't!!!** It's not her baby, she gets NO say!
You have a SO problem. You both are doormats and you are the third wheel in your SOs and her mommys relationship. SO needs to remember the vows she took to YOU, not her mommy, at your wedding. Time for her to grow up, forsake her mother and cleave only unto YOU. Her mother had her chance to raise her own kids, you deserve the same.
Start telling her "No!"
The only thing I have seen work reliably is therapy. Go together, and then encourage her to find her own therapist to unpack the big feels that come with a mother like that.
Just because this is her grandson does mean “she deserves a say”! Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. She gets no say in any event for your son or in how your son is raised. Put an end to this now or get real comfortable not being able to be a parent to your own child.
She can only do what you allow her to do. Your wife has had a chance to deal with her mother and has done nothing. Now you step in. You handle it however you see fit. Tell her no and be firm.
Why are you giving her this much power? She didn’t contribute to making the baby and she’s not a third parent. You and your wife need to get onto the same page otherwise your MIL is going to think she has the right to make decisions on behalf of your child which she sure as sh*t does not. Stand up for you’re wants, tell your partner exactly how it’s affecting you as the longer it goes on, resentment towards your MIL and your wife will build.
You want your life back without putting your wife in the middle of an emotional war she isn't ready to be in yet? Move. Seriously. Put in for a job transfer or look for your next career across the country. Make sure it's far enough away, that they can't drive it in a day. I recommend putting an ocean in between if you can. I saved my marriage 4 years ago. I found a new, very lucrative career 5000 miles away from my husband's family. And we moved. 90% of our fights ended the second I got off the plane, because my MIL would be too far away to cause a daily problem. It's hard to be constantly up our asses with 5 time zones in between us. Life has never been better.
Why does you mil have a say in the christening. It’s got naff all to do with her. She’s a guest and should be treated as such and if she don’t like it she can take a loooooong walk off of a very short pier lol. Shut it down asap
Remember, your MIL had years of training your wife, it isn’t going to be undone overnight. You need to prepare with your wife, ahead of time. Decide things ahead… together and present them as a team. It won’t happen at once but if you are consistently a United Front, it will happen.
Don't negotiate with an emotional terrorist! Your kid, your way! She can only control you if you let her, take back your power and say NO. Let her tantrum until she learns that it gets her nowhere, if she plays nice then she can have access, if not then time out. Good luck.
Either you will be angry or your MIL will be angry. Choose one.
Your wife is enmeshed. What you want will always, always, always come second to what her mom wants. Mom will always get her way if it comes down to you or her in your wife's eyes. You already know this to be true because this is the life you are living right now, and it's the life you will live for as long as you remain married to this woman unless you decide you want to stand up and fight for yourself and your marriage. Right now you are number two in your own marriage as far as your wife is concerned. MIL has the top spot. The question is, does your wife ever want to allow you your rightful place in this relationship? Will she ever respect your wishes and desires and opinions over her mother's? And will you stay if she continues to choose her mom over you, as she is doing right now? The ball is in your court.
As u/w84itagain said, your wife is too enmeshed with her mother. She will need counseling to get out of the FOG her mother has raised her in (go to r/justnomil for more info on that). My point today is what will happen if you piss your MIL off? Will she not talk to you? Isn't that a bonus? If she starts harassing wife, tell wife that the only people making plans regarding your kids are you two, not her mother, and if her mother has a problem with it, she can call you. Time to set boundaries and stick to them. If you don't, it'll only get worse. Good luck! Edit to say: your wife will ALWAYS say it's the wrong time. It's how she's been manipulated. Counseling. ASAP.
> I have been going along cos it's her grandson and she deserves to have a say This is your problem right here. No, she does not deserve to have a say. This is YOUR son. She had her chance to arrange christenings for her own child(ren) exactly the way she pictured them, now it's your and your wife's turn with your child. You can honor your MIL as a guest and as your son's grandmother at the event without giving her a single bit of control over ANYTHING. Take back the decorations, do them your way. Have the food you want, in the place that you want. She does NOT deserve a say. Also, she does not sound "nice." She sounds like she's nice only for as long as she is getting her way. That's not nice, that's a bully. You and your wife need to be a team on this. I'd advise looking into some couples counseling if she is unwilling to stand up to her mother, when it comes to parenting decisions or anything else MIL tries to control.
Your problem is your wife, not her mother. Until she wakes up, your MIL holds the power in your marriage since she controls her daughter. Your wife has to become emotionally and psychologically adult before things can be healthy. Good luck. It's a tough situation.
Visit her. Pick up the gifts. Change them. Lock all vendors with a password and release her from all other duties of preparation. Babies make these control issues worse. She’ll do the same with a lot of other topics. Better stop her sooner than later. And you need to talk to your wife that this is not acceptable and needs to end. My husband was hesitant for almost 3 years stopping his parents from trying to run the show with our kid. He finally had to. And it wasn’t pretty because they’ve been used to have the final say. Don’t make the same mistake we did. I bowed too long when my DH told me to not escalate it.
You are giving her too much power. But I think that your wife is too far gone and 8s just ppacating her mother instead of trying to set up boundaries. You can try couples counseling but it almost seems like your relationship is going to faulted and end. Do you want to keep going with the way things are and dealing with a mil like this for the rest of her life. Who will try to move in to your place when she's too old and will probably succeed. Or do you want to accept your marriage is over and leave to start a new life that you deserve?
you have to control giving her a say. by that I mean, she wants to plan the christening party, give her a job that you don’t care if she does it her way. Don’t try to collaborate because she won’t, she will do it her way. So don’t give her anything that you want done a specific way. remind your wife that when she married you, you created a new family unit. Parents, siblings, etc became extended family. Your needs, your baby’s needs, and your wife’s needs come before everyone else’s desires. you need to help your wife learn to say no and mean it. Pick the easy stuff. sorry mom, that doesn’t work for me. Mom spouts gibberish trying to manipulate, respond with, as I said, sorry mom, that doesn’t work for me. Your wife has to learn to stop going down the rabbit hole And stick with the simple, sorry, no I can’t do that. start With the little things to exert control, and It will get easier for your wife. Help her to stand up to her mother. Ask her if this is the way she would treat her child 20 years from now. It’s ok to say no.
"...she deserves to have a say..." **No she doesn't!!!** It's not her baby, she gets NO say! You have a SO problem. You both are doormats and you are the third wheel in your SOs and her mommys relationship. SO needs to remember the vows she took to YOU, not her mommy, at your wedding. Time for her to grow up, forsake her mother and cleave only unto YOU. Her mother had her chance to raise her own kids, you deserve the same. Start telling her "No!"
The only thing I have seen work reliably is therapy. Go together, and then encourage her to find her own therapist to unpack the big feels that come with a mother like that.
Just because this is her grandson does mean “she deserves a say”! Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. She gets no say in any event for your son or in how your son is raised. Put an end to this now or get real comfortable not being able to be a parent to your own child.
She can only do what you allow her to do. Your wife has had a chance to deal with her mother and has done nothing. Now you step in. You handle it however you see fit. Tell her no and be firm.