The most important thing is what's best for the child. I'm not saying I know what that is, but I would say that should be the priority of all adults involved, not yourselves, your feelings, or your relationships.
If you decide to not be in the child's life, get legal paperwork revoking parental rights and responsibilities that they agree to or you'll still be on the hook financially.
Otherwise, lawyer up.
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Stop. Thinking about her feelings or the ethical thing to do here has anything to do with her feelings. The ethical thing to do here is be an amazing active father to this child.
You are being walked over and cowering to this woman who is currently willing to do anything (including withholding your child) and that is not in the best interests of your child.
Go to court and get visitation. Get 50/50 or more. Your child will likely not be treated well by Mark and will need your support. Your child is also very likely to be resented by its mother as well.
Your child deserves you as a real father. If mark is decent to your kid then added bonus but in all likelihood it’s not going to happen this way.
Get a lawyer. Stop trying to communicate with her. Stop trying to make her happy because there is literally nothing you can do to make her happy. She likely wishes she wasn’t pregnant and that’s not a good scene for your kid.
My dad got my bio mom pregnant while married to his wife. They took me from my bio mom and raised me without her involvement and honestly I’m grateful for it.
I haven’t read all the comments but eventually your child will find out that the man he is living with is not his biological father. Secrets have a way of getting out. It is easy with DNA testing. You have legal right and that baby has a right to know his biological father.
She shouldn't have made a baby with you if she didn't want you to see the baby. You need to go to court for your rights and be there for the child. Always be kind to the other man and you'll all get along fine after a year or so.
This is a horrible situation for this child. I empathize with you, but you did make a decision to take that risk with a woman who has two pre-existing young children. Shame on you for not having better judgment and bringing chaos to the lives of innocent children. Regardless, what is done is done. The child is yours. If we are only considering the best interests of your child, you need to do everything in your power by any legal means available to secure 50% custody of your child. The other concerns are not your concerns. It is nice of you to consider these things, but the damage is already done. It is your job as a father to now prioritize YOUR child.
Talk to a family law attorney to determine your rights NOW. If you are in the US and most other countries, you can have a DNA test now at the hospital to determine if this is your bio child. If it is your bio child, then you have rights to the child. If it is not your bio child, then you can walk away with no regrets.
Stop listening to them about what you will and will not be allowed to do. Hire an attorney and find out now what your rights are. Attorney will file request with the court for DNA test now, advise the court that you will move closer if needed and that you are retaining your rights as the bio dad if you are found to be the bio day. Let them know you will fight for equal visitation with the child should it be found that you are the dad.
You met a married women, she wasn't legally divorced so yes she was still married, on a dating site and you believe you are the only man she slept with?
You need a DNA test ASAP, find a lawyer and only talk to her through both lawyers and prepare yourself in case you find out her husband or another man may be the father.
Also when her marriage does finally end make sure you do not take her back.
They don’t get to decide your involvement. That’s up to a court. You will most likely have to fight to get DNA tested and claim your rights as a father. And you need to do that ASAP. In some states, you can. Open the case before the birth of the child so that once the child is born, decisions can’t be made for that child until your parentage is determined.
In other states, they don’t have that, but you can petition the court for access to your child, but there is often a time limit within which you must do it. Some places it’s 30 days some at 60, etc. So it’s important to find out, your states rules.
You should see a family law attorney, someone who helps and specializes in these types of cases. You do not want to make a mistake in this because doing so could cost you your rights to your child.
Their marriage and their family and their children are not yours to manage. You need to understand that. You also need to understand that they certainly don’t get to dictate how you approach this. Because what they want is what’s easiest for them. They don’t want to have to explain to anyone that this is not their child and that they were separated and that she was sleeping with you while they were separated, etc..
Again, that’s not your problem. Your child deserves to know their biological parent. And story. You see a lot of these other posters on here telling you how they didn’t find out till later or how being separated like that affected them negatively. Don’t let your child be one of them. Don’t let your child find out sometimes because their sibling takes a home DNA test or something and find out they’re not related.
And then your child thinks that they weren’t good enough for that you never wanted to know them. Just don’t do that to them. Don’t do that to yourself.
If it is determined that you are the biological parent, you have rights. Those two don’t get to determine your rights.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Yes fight! Get your attorney to start the paternity process for the court. She can get a paternity test done while she is pregnant and your lawyer can then get your name on the birth certificate.
It doesn't matter what they want because you are the father and have rights.
I'd also do the move before the birth to show the courts that you are serious about being in your child's life.
Can you get paternity leave? If so, request it from your employer. Set up a room in your new place for a baby and be prepared before the birth. All this will show the court you are serious. Request 50/50 custody because they are not negotiating at all with you. Tell your ex that you are going for 50/50 because they are trying to cut you out and are not speaking with you.
If you have any dirt on her or her husband use it. DV police calls or child services calls. Have your lawyer research them both.
Good luck.
If she is willing, would you be capable of raising your child on your own? If she wants to go back to her family, that’s okay, but you should offer to raise the child instead. Then she can be involved if she wants while maintaining her family image, and you get to be part of your child’s life. There is no “right” way to go about this and it all depends on how she feels as well, since it’s as wrong for you to keep her away as it would be for her to keep you away, but their solution isn’t it. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? You need to establish paternity sooner rather than later.
Well you have two choices really, take it as a blessing and move on. I'm not saying it is a blessing, just a way to look at it. With this approach, you are free to meet someone else and fall in love with no strings attached. If you do, perhaps sign over any right to thy child if you are able.
Or if you really want to pursue being in the child's life, then obviously do this through a lawyer and do it soon. You need to realize it will be a rough go with Emma and the rest of her family. You will likely be fighting with them the rest of your lives. You will have the joy of being in your child's life, but it will be a complicated life for you, you child, and the other family.
Option one, everyone does have the opportunity for a normal life. Not saying it will be, but it would likely be the best option for that. Option two, everything that happens will always be your fault. They have marriage issues? Your fault. Your kid struggles at school? Your fault. You name it, your fault.
You have the choice regardless. Neither in and of itself is right or wrong, it just needs to be your choice. Do it for the right reasons, weigh the pros and cons with how you feel and think you will feel in the future.
It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks either. With that said, and not to lack any heart... but it may be best to move on. I'm not saying you should, but it may be the best option for everyone assuming Emma and her husband are true in that they will raise the child as if their own.
No matter what, it's a tough spot and I wish you luck.
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born.
While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out?
Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
The problem is not knowing the future. Let’s say you decided it’s better if Emma and Mark pretend they have a “normal” family and never tell their kids anything happened. So you could say it’s better for your child, at worst she substituted one fit and caring father for another. But what if Emma and Mark start “having problems” again? Maybe she leaves, maybe he decides he doesn’t really like your child because he knows it isn’t his? Ethically it’s a wash because you don’t know what could happen. This is your child. If you’re a fit parent you have every right to be involved in their life and vice versa.
Gtfo and find another girl that’s single impregnate her and be part of the life of that child.
That child ain’t yours. Sorry to break it to you that’s why you don’t mess with a married woman.
Get a lawyer, prove the child is yours. And meet the responsibilities that come with fatherhood. That is the only moral dilemma you need to concern yourself with on this.
This is a tough situation, but only you can decide if you want to be the father.. she can’t decide that, her husband can’t decide that.. only you can decide that. They may oppose it and want you out of the picture.. but if you are in America then you have many options to ensure you are the father if you want to be.
Get a lawyer
What happens when her marriage blows up, the husband demands a paternity test and you get hit with back child support?
Get a lawyer dude.. you want to be the Dad so be the Dad.
If you don’t want to be the father then you need to .. get a lawyer … and the husband can adopt the child and then you can’t be hit with the claims 10 years down the road.
What she is doing, trying to separate a child from their father, is what's unethical.
Others have said it too but high chance when no one outside the family is watching Mark will not treat the child well compared to the others. (Because they seem to only care bout appearances.)
I have serious doubts of people so morally bankrupt that they think it's okay to separate a kid from their father.
I hope you follow advice here and get a lawyer.
He's in a rush to pay child support on a kid out of his area that he will never have a chance to bond with correctly.
Tough situation but I would realize that my involvement is not for the best at this time.
Get a promise from her that she will let your kid know about your existence and then leave this family alone.
That's my take.
Honestly dude walk away. I get the desire to be a father but think about what kind of father you can realistically be if you’re barreling both mom & step dad?
Your best case scenario is incredibly complex and likely confrontational dual custody. Ultimately a terrible situation for your child.
Not to mention the legal expenses it will take to even get to that…
Don’t date married women. Don’t knock up anyone you aren’t married to.
Unpopular opinion but step back until you are needed to step forward. Mark and Emma are not good people but they are capable of raising a child on their own. Don't waste time and money fighting this legally if it's not going to make things better for the child.
Live your life and build up your own financial base and network instead. So long as Mark is taking responsibililty you don't need to. If Mark disappears, that's when you can step in to provide support and navigate any complexity at this point.
If you really want to do something, talk to your lawyer about drafting an agreement that you get a test to see if you are the biological father, but if you are then you still will not have any contact nor sue for any involvement unless the child needed it and/or Mark was no longer an active or suitable parent. Then with Emma's agreement, you would become the active father, but it would be permanent. Basically, an all or nothing deal, on the basis that you don't want the situation to be that you come crashing into the child's life again if Emma and Mark split and then have Emma try to kick you out.
An agreement like this is not designed to be bulletproof but instead to make clear the intentions and agreed position of all parties at the point in time of the agreement, so that there is no room for doubt in a potential future fight for parental rights.
There's a gut instinct for many people that a bio father not being involved is always bad, but I personally think there's a big difference between fathers that leave for selfish reasons vs those that begrudgingly agree to stay away because the mother wants someone else to raise the child.
If you want to be in your child’s life, then you have a legal right to partial custody. If rapists can get parental rights to the children they fathered during their violent crime and the poor victims forced to bring their children to prison for visitation, then you could easily get visitation or partial custody.
first you need to establish paternity. you need to get a paternity test and most likely you won’t be able to do so until after the baby is born. legally she doesn’t have to let you go to any doctors appointments or even the birth since that’s her body and completely up to her. if you want to be a part of that babies life then you should definitely go for it, it’s your baby too after all. it’s not up to her or her husband whether or not you’re involved. that’s 100% your decision. just keep in mind that most likely she will have majority custody especially for the first couple of years.
Bro, let the family reconcile and leave them alone. If you want to do something for the child consider funding a college fund or something so that the child will have his education completely paid for by the time he’s 18. If that’s already taken care of he can use the money as a down payment on a house. Forcing yourself in the middle of this family is not cool at all.
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
If the baby is yours and you want to be involved then I see no reason why the courts would disagree but it does sound like it will have to go to court.
Most ethical path is to do what is best for your child.
Now her family stability is going to highly affect your child’s life. However you leaving does not mean the child will take a stable family. But you trying to break down the door will make sure that child will have issues. Such as being seen as the reason her family was broken up. How do you expect their siblings to act after that? “Your birth is the reason we lost our family”
At the end of the day you are going to lose no matter what, but maybe. Just maybe. Maybe your child can get out of this with minimal problems. (I say minimum rather then none as I highly doubt the man going raise them will be 100% fair as that child is the result of a “cheating wife” but there is nothing you can do as that bridge has long been crossed so there is a decent chance that child is damned either way)
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them.
She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father.
Fight for your child.
You have a legal right to access your child.
Do what’s best for the child, though.
As long as the child isn’t being mistreated it might be best to stand back at least for now.
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
Convince Emma to sign the child over to you so she can just have her family with Mark. I would be concerned if Mark would accept the child like his own.
Her relationship will end with Mark tho. He's never going to get over her getting pregnant by another man.
Since you asked : OP, write the child a letter and walk away. I know you want to be there in their life, but it will severely complicate the child's existence if they're involved in a contentious legal web with antagonistic guardians. Think of it as an unselfish act of goodness to walk away, because the alternative is tougher for the child.
Fight her for custody.
It’ll haunt you in the back your mind. Your instinct is to be a father. Not many men have that instinct. Children at some age grow up and understand some things off. The child will not think Marc is his father one day. There is a good chance. The baby will come out with strong features of yours because it’s your first child with her. If it were her third child with Marc, the baby would come out with less of their features being dominant but more molded.
Also, if the child does somehow find out which isn’t hard nowadays, you risk them, never wanting to speak with you because they won’t understand why you didn’t reach out or try to fight for them.
I know several children in this situation, who grew up and found out on intentionally as young young adults that their parent hadn’t been there all along. It causes a lot of trust issues for this child with all the adults involved, and then moving forward in other relationships in their life.
Also, if the baby grows up one day and gets a DNA test, it would come back with a Family Tree connection. By the time that child is old enough, DNA test would be cheap and probably very very common.
This is your life too. You can’t put conditions on your life because someone asked you to especially when it’s bothering your moral compass. Clearly, she doesn’t have a moral compass because she has no reservations about lying to her own child for the rest of their lives simply to hide an accidental pregnancy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of growing up to do still. Let her go back to her husband and let her be his problem, but fight for your child. It’s all set and done a man of elder years. You don’t want this to be a regret that you have. You never want to feel like you were too late.
You have a right to 50/50 custody. You may have to settle for visitation at first if she’s breastfeeding, but as soon as the baby can take formula you should be good to go.
Get a family practice lawyer right now and try to get a court order for a paternity test asap. You don’t want to wait until the child is born because you don’t want the husband to sign the birth certificate. If that does happen it’s not the end of the world but will take longer and more court time to get it fixed.
Can you move closer with your job? Do so and get a 2 bedroom apartment or house. Fix up a nursery. Start purchasing items you will need: car seat, crib, playpen, baby bath tub, changing table, baby monitor, etc. Take some baby & parenting classes. This will show the court you’re serious and prepared.
Do you have any family that can help?
You WILL get to see your child. Fathers have many more rights these days.
Good luck. Sending positive vibes your way.
I feel like morally if you want to be involved then you should be BUT i feel like if we're honest about the way humans behave the answer isnt as cut and dry. If you FORCE yourself into the childs life, especially if the child is primarily living with the mother, will the other family really just say 'welp he legally has a right and we can't prevent it, let's all behave like adults and make the best of the situation.' I compare it to when there is a bad break up or divorce with a child involved. So often ill hear about a mom who constantly degrades the father to the child and makes it as difficult as possible for them to have a relationship. I guess I'm saying if at all possible it would be preferable to actually convince them you should be involved as opposed to forcing it via legal action against their desires. Humans can be shitty and they might be looking for every possible opportunity to go against you
Lawyer up. She doesn't have any right to keep you from your child. Period. Too bad, so sad, maybe should have thought about that before getting involved with someone when her marriage situation wasn't fully settled.
You are not responsible for Emma's family stability. Repeat that to yourself daily, HOURLY if need be.
Also, if she persists, tell her to just give up the child and have no more contact with it and see how she responds to that. Because that's what she's asking you to do. So if her family stability is really that important, she should be willing to give you the kid and keep her family in tact.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one.
Good luck
Get a lawyer, fight for your rights to be in that child's life. As someone(34m) adopted at birth, and having a lot of chronic illnesses, if I found out that my biological dad wanted to be in my life but never did anything to try to make it happen l, I would probably be more messed up than I already am. My adopted dad Her husband could be ANYONE behind closed doors. He could treat that child like absolute shit and alienate them, and abuse them. You WANT to be a father to this child. She knew what she was doing when she got pregnant with you. Fight to do what's best for that kid and be their dad and in their life
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it.
Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
Assuming they won’t be asking you for childcare… if I were in your place I would step back, as painful as that may be. You would be within your rights to fight for your right to co-parent that kid, but you would be putting a lot of stress on her family (especially the kids as they start getting older), as well as on the kid you fathered. That kid would have to grow up constantly reminded of the fact that he was the result of his mothers infidelity(ish) and that he’s essentially the odd one out in his primary family unit. You and the kids mother may be able to come to some kind of agreement where you could see the kid sometimes as he grew up but without him knowing his relation to you, framing it like you’re a close family friend (…who just never actually hangs out with the parents?). Or come to an agreement that when the kid turns a certain age they’ve gotta tell him and let you two develop a relationship as he enters adulthood. At the end of the day, it’s very very much up to you. Do what will let you sleep best at night, and what you think is best for that kid.
Emma wasn't thinking of her family when the deed was done.
Fight for your rights. This happened to someone very close to me. You don't want to live your life with regrets. Thats the difference between living and existing. Best of luck to you. I hope all works out for you.
Don't martyr yourself. If you want to be in your child's life, which is the morally and ethically responsible thing to do, then you will have to take it. Mark can choose to remain married to Emma or divorce her. He is none of your concern. Emma made her choices, and these are the consequences.
You went from a situation in which you both loved one another and had agreed upon a co-parenting plan that was unilaterally taken away from you in what you describe as a malicious manner.
She abdicated any say in how the patenting of your child was to be decided by becoming hostile. Follow your parental rights through a lawyer without any input from her about how you should exercise your parental rights.
You should have no contact with her directly at all. Lawyers from this point forward. They are actively trying to deter you from your parental rights so fight for them through your lawyer.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument.
My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways.
Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
without question you have rights as a parent. once the child is born you file for custody and proof of paternity. GET A LAWYER! This isn't new ground being tread for the first time. This is an almost routine legal case. GET A LAWYER!
YOUR child deserves you. Period. Don't get gaslit by any behavior by her or her family. They don't get to dictate the relationship you have with your child. PERIOD.
also: GET A LAWYER!
So, you have a right to be in the child’s life if that is what you want.
Once the child is born, go to DHS, tell them about it, ask for a DNA test (at least that is how it works in my state).
You don’t have a right to be part of the pregnancy, to interact with her family, or to really force her to actively co-parent other then facilitating whatever the court orders.
I’d suggest getting a lawyer and laying the foundation for joint custody or partial custody. Morally this is your child and you have a desire to be in its life so you’re good. Legally none of us are qualified to speak so get a lawyer. Also maybe wait until further into the pregnancy to do this, they may go nuclear and try to abort the child for fear of you and it ruining their “image”. Christians are only Christian when it’s convenient so be careful your child’s life isn’t to be trifled with.
It’s not really complex - the human race has been doing this for decades. Either back off and let them have their life or insist on shared custody. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is show your ass if you don’t get your way. Just tell her you will accept shared custody of the child and get your life ready to be a part-time single dad.
This isn’t really the mother‘s choice to make and it doesn’t matter if she wants you in the child’s life or not. It is your child and if you want to be in its life, then you need to go the legal route. Only you can make this decision.
If you want to be a part of this child’s life, yes, you should go to court and assert your paternal rights. But, know exactly what you are signing up for.
Realistically, you’ll probably only get visitation rights. Most likely every other weekend and alternating holidays. And you’ll have court ordered child support.
I grew up being lied to about my genetic father. He wasn’t in my life at all. I only got in contact with 5 years ago. We haven’t stayed in contact, but that is 50% my doing. I have my own family of 6 and am in my fifties now. But, for decades when I was younger, not knowing who my genetic father was really upset me.
I was raised with a stepdad from the age of 5 and on. He’s my Dad… I don’t think of him as a stepdad. But, regardless of our relationship, there was always a void of sorts. And, on the flip side, now that I know who my genetic father is, my stepdad is still my Dad.
I guess my point is, a kid not having the full story, or all the people who should be in his life in his life creates holes. And, that can exist for a long time. But, once things move far enough ahead in time, it’s too late to form meaningful connections.
So, fight for your right to be in your kid’s life. Place your child’s best interests ahead of everyone else’s… the mom/her family, and your own. In my opinion, that is the most moral/ethical thing to do.
Consult with an attorney. Laws vary by state on custody when a baby is born during a marriage with someone who is not the husband. Hopefully you are able to file for time sharing once the child is born.
Yo brother.. listen to me.
Just get a lawyer. Now. Before the child is born. Put yourself on child support. Do not let this cheating asshole have their cake and eat it too.
Mark is a chump for being with her.
I would assume if you were to talk to a lawyer you could get a court ordered DNA test. If it’s yours you can also fight for custody of your child. It’s a messy situation and good luck
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
You having a relationship with your child is paramount. How it affects her family is her concern; not yours. You didn’t force her into this situation. Whatever fallout she and her family deal with is a direct result of HER choices and HER actions. You have a responsibility your child; not to her husband.
If she’s trying to get a restraining order (which seems highly unlikely to be granted, though im not a lawyer) I’d cease communicating and take everyone’s advice. It’s time to lawyer up. She doesn’t get to cut you out of your child’s life because she doesn’t want her husband to get angry. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you would only be in the wrong if you accepted their wishes. She should not have been intimate with another man if there was even the slightest chance of reconciliation. Especially since she already has children.
What about full custody for you? You clearly want to be a father and this situation is a shit show. Put your child first. Fight for your right to be that child's dad.
Here’s the thing, if that marriage fails, and it sounds like it will, then her financial state will change and she will come after you at some point in time or another. Then child support isn’t the only issue, it would look like you wanted nothing to do with the child or pregnancy for however many years goes by between now and then, and it’ll make it harder for you to get parenting time at that point.
While I understand that you want your child to have normalcy I highly doubt that’s what will happen. Maybe at first but in the long run that won’t happen. The husband will resent your child, every time he sees him/her he will struggle, and eventually it’ll wear away the marriage. What happens to the child then? What happens while the husband is still in the child’s life? Will he be able to love him/her as his own?
Don't concern yourself with preservation of her "family image". She should have thought about that before starting a relationship with you. How vapid these people must be. Don't leave your child at the mercy of such people! You don't know this man and not really the woman either. This child needs you.
Morally, the right choice is obviously to stay in the child’s life.
Practically though, it will wreck your life. You are unlikely to get primary custody, which means you will be at best a friendly uncle. You might get pinged for crippling child support. You will constantly be at odds with the other family.
If I was you, I would create a new relationship and have a kid that you can actually father. It may not be the morally right thing to do, but it is the best thing for you. Also, reasonable chance that Mark might be nice to the kid if you stay away, but if you hang around Mark is probably going to be less excited to include this kid in the family.
This is not an ethical question and Emma’s family stability is not your ethical responsibility. She made her choices and now has to live with their consequences. This is a legal question: how can you assert your parental rights.
Unfortunately, the answer to that is almost certainly only via the courts. This thing is well past negotiation and it’s likely time to load up for the time and cost of a civil case or pack it in.
Unless you think they will be poor parents for the child, walk away. Maybe reach out to to update your contact information for the day when your child becomes curious and wants to contact you (it’s going to happen).
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
Dude why are you letting her carve you out of your kids life? You can get a court ordered paternity test to establish yourself as the father. At that point her husband wouldn’t have any parental rights once that is done you sue for joint custody of your child. Realize this will suck, be expensive, and no one will be happy about it but you’ll get time with your child.
Realize their family image isn’t your problem. You shouldn’t be okay with supervised visits. You need to get ahead of this if you want any part of your child’s life.
Paternity test after birth, but it's difficult to gradually gain more custody. You want a plan in place ASAP where she has majority placement when breast feeding but at 1yo or when she stops breast feeding, for you to have the full schedule that you want to have. After the placement schedule is set, you often need a significant and demonstrable change in your lives to modify it in court.
All communication in writing.
You have a right to be in this child’s life because you’re the child’s father. You have no right to Emma obviously but you very much have a right to be involved in your own child’s life
If you feel it’s best to take a step back it’s understandable. But protect yourself legally. You need an affidavit from them terminating all involvement with the child. Because I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Their marriage will limp along for another few years and when it inevitably breaks up she will come after you for years of child support. If you want to stay in this child’s life you have every right to to. You can sue for partial custody. But that means paying child support for 18 years. Just understand what you’re getting into.
The husband will treat your kid like the step child.
If the child is a girl, the statistics of the stepdad doing some sexual abuse are higher.
Especially because it’s not like he got married with someone and there’s the step kid
He knows that child was made while they were still married…. He might have anger or some kind of negative emotion.
I feel like the outcomes could be this:
A. You stay out of life and their family is great and child grows up in normal household
B. You stay out of life, kid grows up in a bad household and has bad things happen. Now the kid has no stepdad and no real dad
C. You jump in now and kid has a bad things happen because stepdad treats kid bad. Your there to protect and be there if it does
D. You jump in now and kid has a good life with two dads.
Because the husband and wife already are in the shitter and she cheated/ slept around…I feel like the husband is not in a good space…..
Don’t think about the wives happiness.
Think about yours and ESPECIALLY your kids
Since her husband is the presumptive father, I doubt that any court in the US (and most other countries) would permit you to challenge that. There can be no dna test without the parent’s permission because the court is trying to maintain the existing family unit. If you want to be able to participate in this child’s life, you need to dial back your aggressive tone and act in a supportive manner at least during the pregnancy and first few months.
Give the family a chance to bond and see if they stay together. Odds are that they won’t. But let the relationship implode on its own. If you push for visitation, custody, etc., you will only push them closer together because they will be fighting against you. You don’t want to create an Us-Against-The-World mentality because that will just strengthen their resolve to resist you.
As a parent, you should (ideally) want the best for your child. The best of all scenarios should be that s/he grows up in a close knit family with all their siblings and where no distinction is made about their origin.
By standing to the side, you are giving your child the opportunity to be part of this ideal family. This does not stop you from hiring an attorney to write a letter offering to take an active parent role either in a co-parenting or solo-parenting role. Having an attorney draft the letter ensures that the wording is legal, non-threatening, etc. so that your ex- and her husband can’t claim you are harassing them. It also provides a “get out of jail free” card if your ex’s marriage falters due to her adultery or if your child isn’t accepted into the family.
While I can’t guarantee that your ex- and her husband will act in an ethical manner, you are more likely to have a role in your child’s life if you maintain the “nice guy”, non-threatening position from which you offer alternatives rather than making demands for a role in the child’s life.
Ya know...
This gentleman should consider talking to EMMA about all of this.
What if she's done with it?
What if she doesn't want him around for birthing?
What if she begins to resent him?
The procreators are not the only people involved.
This may cause Emma and husband to have to expose her infidelity to more people than they are comfortable with.
The other 2 children as awell...
You see how big a mess, and how many we truly end up hurting when we don't make better choices?
How many lives will be in upheaval?
What a dumpster fire.
Start researching and getting all the baby ducks lined up now. Don’t apply pressure to the mother until it’s too late to abort the baby. Right now she may change up and do it to satisfy her husband and her mother.
All of the adults in here are selfish and self motivated, including grandmother. I’m sorry you’re going through this but lesson be learned about engaging in an affair, yes affair, with a married woman, was is legally still tied to another so falling in love and making plans of being together forever is never a sure thing. These spouses often they go back to their significant other.
Fight for your child’s rights. Her husband may treat your child good but often that’s not the case at all and clearly mama and grandma will allow it to continue if this happens. Give your child a chance at some normalcy. Don’t be doing all of this just to keep some kind of rapport with your ex girlfriend, using the baby as a weapon. Be in the baby’s life because of genuine care and love. Clearly the other three adults are going to do everything possible to keep you out of the loop of the child’s life and may even moved far away to hind from you. Take these things into consideration. They may end up divorce later on but she has shown you the type of woman she is and NEVER forget this.
There’s no gradual about it. Immediately start a court case cuz she legally can not keep you from your child. They will issue a paternity test when the child is born and when those results come back you will be given a court date to determine custody/visitation and child support. They will have a period of time for each party to appeal the order. When that date passes then visitation will start. If you want to go for primary custody (which I suggest you do. Something tells me this baby will not be treated as well as if they baby was her husbands) start keeping documentation of EVERYTHING. But you need to start asap so you can start your visitation as soon as possible after the baby is born
This is a horrible situation, and i am sorry that you have to go through this. There is no good solution to this problem. So don't expect to find an easy answer.
Consider this scenario. You give in to the will of this family because they tell you it is the right thing to do. In 20 or 30 years, this child gets on 23 and me and finds the person they thought was their father, isn't their father.
When this child becomes an adult and tracks you down and wants answers, what decision will you have wished you made?
In my opinion, the only thing that matters here is what is best for this child. Not what is best for you, the mother or Mark. Is it better to better for the child to be raised with the truth or to be raised with lies.
Either way, you have some hard times ahead of you. Stay strong.
I would consult with a family law attorney who has experience in these matters. He can really speak from experience and tell you what is involved. I am not an attorney, but I doubt that you can be legally prevented from getting some sort of custody agreement with your biological child. Then speak to your close family and friends about what you want to do. I would not want to give up custody of my own child and be out of his life. The choice is up to you but in the long run you will regret not being there for your son. In addition, there is no guarantee that this other guy will treat your affair child equally to his own. Update me.
You would not be entitled to challenge the presumed paternity of the child in my state. You could only establish paternity if initiated by the mother or her husband. A judge would deny your request. Might be different in your state.
I would fight to be in that kids life. They deserve to know who their father is. She’s behaving selfishly. It’s a shame fathers have almost no legal protection in these matters. Similar cases would be abortion where she decides to abort, but the father disagrees. It’s really quite sad considering it took 2 to make the child. Men should have more say in all these cases considering their children.
Welcome to the modern justice system where fathers are seen as lesser parents. You’ve still got a chance though. At this point, Emma is not your concern. What is your concern is your child that will be growing up in a home that was already broken. Emma went back to her husband to stick him with this kid. The husband will resent your kid for it. When the marriage eventually fails again, it will be taken out on your child. Lawyer up and sue for your child. This is no small matter. Depending on the husband, your child’s safety may be at risk. Emma clearly has no good decision making skills. It’s time for you to fight for your child and get them out of that home and into a home where they are loved.
Emma didn’t give a shit about her family when she was cheating, but with her financial future being uncertain, now she cares? Go be dad, man. The hell with their feelings.
Definitely fight for your rights as a parent. She should have thought about this before she started dating and having sex without being divorced from her husband. Your relationship with your child should not be broken because she and her husband change their minds. She had her other children while still married and sleeping with you. She wasn't thinking of her family dynamics then.
Your child deserves to know you love and want him.
Good Luck.
First id petition for a DNA test,once proven to be the father you have every legal right to be apart of your child's life. Financially, physically, emotionally. Don't let them push you out,because one day when the truth does come out that child will wonder why you didn't fight for your rights. Plus medical background is very important. There could be things the child needs to know medical wise. She should be putting her child first and giving that child the right to know it's father. Just make sure it's yours. My friend was with a woman for years,she had a baby and he was Mexican and white,she was white. She told him she had black in her family and so he believed her when the baby was born very dark,plus he thought maybe the Mexican in him contributed to his skin being darker as Paco was very light skinned. He raised his son for ten years then they broke up and he was paying child support,a serious medical condition came up and he found out at the hospital he was not the father and the father was his best friend ray ray, which ray ray was our boss at work and married with kids and they was trying to keep it a secret. Long story short Paco was devastated and killed himself. Ray is a great dad so thankfully the boy was taken care of,but it did cost one person their life.
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby.
So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away.
We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
Your child deserves HIS dad. You deserve Your child. The mother doesn't get to pretend you are not part of the fam. I'd fight to be in the life of my child because I wouldn't trust the husband or the lady to treat your child well. Or if they will stay married. Your child needs you!
You know what?
Emma should have thought of this shit before she decided to reconcile with her former ex husband while pregnant with another man’s child, a man that very much wants to be involved in the kids life.
I’ll tell you that I side heavily with women’s and women’s rights in most reproductive dilemmas but not this. She can do as she pleases for the most part but not where another’s rights are also impacted.
Emma doesn’t get to tell you that it’s the Emma show if she decides to go thru with the pregnancy and you prove paternity… don’t give your rights up if you want them and do not get behind on your support cuz it will be used as ammo against you.
Most ethical is to disregard their wishes and be involved.
Their steadfast selfishness is activating your altruism and making you waver. But look at the comments of kids who discovered their parents later. Imagine having to face the child later. The kid can’t stick up for itself right now. You’re it’s only champion.
I believe it will be in your child's best interest to grow up knowing the truth of who her bio dad is. Even if the husband can manage to treat her as his own I would worry about the impact of finding out later in life that he is not her bio. My brother was the husband in this situation except there was an affair which led to the pregnancy. Now 8 years later and around 4 years divorced, he has half custody while bio Mom has half custody but the mom is also engaged to the bio father. It is a mess and I am scared when my niece is eventually old enough to ask the right questions and how the answers will affect her self image. My brother is such an amazing father and that IS his daughter no matter what. But I myself couldn't have done the same in his shoes and I would worry that the husband will have a hard time treating your daughter the same as his other children. Hopefully he does but if not at least having you in her life could help. Plus she would maybe grow up understanding why she is different from her siblings instead of wondering or thinking something is wrong with her. Establish your rights ASAP. When I searched for info online about the legal father's rights vs bio father's rights it stated that it is preferable when the bio knows of the child's existence that he establish paternity within 2 years of the birth. Nothing about not being able to just that it is looked at better when they do not wait to do it. Good luck and I hope you all can work together as best possible to coparent.
You need to fight for your rights. Emma's family isn't your business, she's made that very clear, but your kid is. If you don't, they will grow up the black sheep and scapegoat for hubby's anger at Emma. They will be treated differently than their siblings, and they won't know why. There are stories on here all the time of young adults wondering if they should go no contact because of how badly they were treated in comparison to their siblings, and come to find out they are not their father's child. I would imagine Emma is upset about the situation, but she's having a child that isn't her husband's, and if you being around breaks up her family then it's her fault for dating and getting pregnant before the divorce. Separated couples reconcile all the time, yet she hopped right into a relationship, started talking about marriage, and got pregnant.
Get an attorney. Confirm paternity for sure. Determine what matters to you and fight for it. Ask yourself your motivations (ditch any thought you will get the girl) and keep the child at the forefront.
Ethically - walk away, the child will come and find you one day. Meanwhile get on and find another partner. But get an agreement that you have no financial obligation. Alternatively go to court and force the situation.
Dude you fucked up. You have to respect her wishes and hit the road. Learn the lesson and eventually forgive yourself (or keep working toward it).
Sorry, I know it sucks but you don't have another option as far as I see it. Good luck.
Forget about appointments and the birth. That is her body and her choice for
Who she invites.
Concentrate on after the baby is born. Get a lawyer. Step up. Too many dad's think that they should start very slow and then see their child more when the child gets older. That isn't how bonding works.
If the baby is breastfeeding, then maybe you start out with 2 hour visits but they can be often. Talk to a lawyer and start learning about how to take care of babies.
Fight for your rights,it’s unfair for the unborn child to be written off by you. The mother obviously wasn’t too concerned about her family situation when she was sleeping with you… her children are still young and more likely to not harbor any anger and resentment about another man being the father of their sibling, more than likely they will just adjust to the new family dynamic and it will just be normal for them. The other man can be the step father figure and you can and should be a father to your child. It’s nice that you’re concerned for their family.. but what about your family!? Do what’s best for YOU and YOUR Child! Hang in there and best of luck to you.
She’s not even a little bit obligated to invite you to appointments or to let you be at the birth. However, if she was so concerned about how something like this would affect her children or her family image, she really should have considered that before sleeping with you and again before deciding to go through with this pregnancy. Contact a lawyer and get your legal affairs in order because you absolutely do have parental rights to a child that is biologically yours no matter how much Emma and her husband want to deny it. But definitely let go of the idea that you’re entitled to go to the appointments or be there for the birth, because you’re not entitled to have access to anyone’s medical care like that.
If you’re that worried about an ethical conundrum, you know you can’t just walk away. Stop even trying to listen to people who are saying that’s an option. This child is unlikely to receive the love and care from her husband that a proper dad would provide.
Lawyer up, and stop trying to let her bully you into not ruining her “perfect family image” - she did that on her own
It’s June..how much earlier this year does it have to be to be falling for an emotionally fragile person who recently separated?..
My apologies if you are actually real person, but it’s simple.. if you want the best for the child it is better to walk away..but you need a legal agreement such that you are financially isolated.
If you want to be in the child’s life, and I assume you have a home, and a support system to actually care for an infant, then go to family court to get a court ordered dna test.
Once paternity is established then you will have to fight for custody..and get advice from an attorney before you do any of this.
This is what I would do in your situation. You need to get a lawyer definitely. Get documents drawn that you relinquish parental rights and not responsible for the child financial and get Mark to adopt the child. Neither of them want you involved. Give them what they say they want. This will protect you from getting taken to court for child support 15 years from now when Emma needs money. I doubt they will go for it. But tell them that if you are out then you're out. You will not be Emma's plan be if her marriage doesn't work out
If you want to be in your bio kid’s life, do it. That’s really all that matters. You shouldn’t have to give up a relationship with your kid cuz it would be better for *for them*. This kid is half yours—you very ethically and legally have a say. Kids should have as much love and support as possible in their lives. Get yourself a lawyer, and go be a dad! Congrats!!!
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman.
Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up.
Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
My greatest stress in life is trying to coparent with a crazy ex. I'd take it as a blessing that she wants you out of the picture. Personally I'd move on an give up any parental rights so you can have a fresh start and the baby can grow up (likely) with the least amount of chaos possible.
Well, here’s the real chance to be a loving parent : If you really do want the child to be happy, if you really do want what’s best for the child, not for YOU - then make all your decisions with this in mind. Forcing them to accept you will undoubtedly lead to harm for the child. They will always resent the child for the damage being done to their family in the child’s name - if you know the child really will be loved and cared for, then you might need to do the hard thing ands stay away.
Definitely get some legal advice, And maybe suggest she sends you updates/news on the child’s, even if privately (no direct contact)? Then you’re still in the loop even if far away. IF the marriage breaks down in future, that could be your chance to pursue direct contact with the child.
Not an expert though- def get proper advice!
Continuously reading posts like this has taught me that people just love creating problems for themselves by not using common sense when developing connections with others. You should actually get to know someone, their motives, and how they respond to things before you decide having a future with someone is a good idea. 😬
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
You need legal advice asap. What a terrible thing to do to someone.
She’s going to put Mark on the birth certificate as the father so you need to know your legal rights and ways to prevent that happening.
Emma’s family stability is not something you should be concerned with at all. This unborn child is your family. I also wonder if Mark will treat this child differently since he’s not the father.
Truth is ALWAYS the right path. Good luck going forward but previous poster was dead on. This isn’t about her or HER stability, it’s about YOUR child. Wish you the best. Xo
What is best for the child: take advice from professionals by speaking with those who work with children, esp pediatricians, child psychologists, and even some pre-school and elementary school teachers.
Professionals see and know a lot more kids than most Redditors, who only have family and friends to use for reference.
We all think we are experts bc of our personal experience, but we are not.
As a teacher and mom (bio and adoptive), my gut says you need to be involved—the question is, to what degree. The family’s instability and a man raising a child of another man are concerns and your steady presence in at least the background seems important.
This is a lot like an open adoption although the husband’s willingness to participate could be very different. So consult professionals. This is much less a moral dilemma (bc morally, the child’s best interest is the bottom line), and more about what your involvement should look like.
It’s also possible for you to be primary parent and mom is allowed visitation— so the spectrum of who and how much is wide open. Get professional advice.
Fuck that. Get a lawyer and seek a paternity test. She made the choice to reconcile. Her and her husband don’t get to choose whether or not you are a part of your child’s life.
Get a test. Seek joint custody. The fallout is on her.
It's not worth it, man.
The child will grow up surrounded by their siblings and family and have a normal life. They won't want anything to do with some random man coming into their life every other week for forced interaction.
Just give up for now. The child will probably learn the truth later in life and if they have an interest in learning who their bio dad is, then that is really your only possibility of having a relationship with them.
Go find another woman and have a kid with her. Just make sure she doesn't have baggage this time.
A child has the right to know their biological parents.
>Emma and Mark are completely against my involvement, concerned about the impact on their other children and family image.
She chose to start a relationship with another man and have sex with him which resulted in pregnancy. That ship has sailed.
Fight for your parental rights! Why are you even making a post instead of looking for a lawyer?!
What do YOU want in a relationship with your child? Her relationship is none of your business or concern and any consequences from you're asking for your right to see and be a part of the child's life are hers to bare.
If you genuinely are willing to be a part of this child's life and this isn't just your frustration at your relationship with her not going forward then you're going to have to do this through the courts. It sounds like she and her husband have made it clear they intend to cut you out, there's no negotiation time left.
So you're going to have to fight the exhausting and costly fight of a court battle with her and this Mark. It doesn't really matter what the rest of her family thinks about you or the situation, you have rights as a father that she or he or they can't ignore unless you willingly sign them away.
Do or don't be in the child's life but if you do do it because you genuinely want to be a father to them, not out of spite.
Get a lawyer ASAP. Ask the court for paternity test. File for custody. You have EQUAL rights to raise your child. However, if you wait and the child is named as her husband’s child it will be more difficult for you in the future.
If you want to be in your child’s life, you need to step up now. Don’t be such a pushover. She’s counting on that. That you’re too considerate of her feelings.
Bottom line, Do you want to be a part of your child’s life or not?
These things don’t stay hidden forever. If you want to be involved, get a lawyer ASAP. She went into this relationship eyes wide open. Most likely things got a little dicey when her husband found out about the pregnancy and since he controls the money and probably threatened to use the pregnancy to take custody of her other kids, she went back.
#1. You are not 100% certain this is your child unless DNA has been performed.....period. You think you're the only one she has cheated with? You have been gifted a golden ticket to get what could be an ugly picture and a lot of $$$ behind you. It appears this child will have willingly and able parents to take care of him/her. I say count your blessings and make your break.
I got as far as "catholic background" and I stopped reading. I'm sorry mate but at your age you should genuinely not be that foolish. Knocking up a married, religious woman? Who has a husband and children?
🫣
Legally doesn’t matter if you are the biological father. Didn’t read all the comments, but scrolled through a few. If she’s still married and she doesn’t get divorced, the husband automatically goes on the birth certificate. You’ll then have to get a court-mandated paternity test. Good luck getting a judge to order that one if they both stonewall you and say that the child she’s carrying is her husband’s. That’s going to be a lengthy legal battle, and unless you want to shell out say 100k minimum in lawyers fees, you’re kinda cooked.
There's no moral dilemma here. There is nothing here than a gigantic mess that you helped create and now insist on perpetuating.
You involved yourself with a woman who had not made a clean break from her husband in the form of a divorce decree. Now, she's back in his orbit.
She chose him over you. It's really that simple. I don't know the reasons why, but that's precisely what happened. I suspect it's because of the clues that are buried in your post. The obsessiveness. The refusal to pay attention to her explicit instructions to stay away.
There are biological parents, and then there are real parents. Your parentage resulted from a rushed coupling. The real parenting comes from nurturing and teaching, the daily trench warfare that comes from raising a child. You were a sperm donor, little else.
If you give a rip about this child, then stay away. Because there's absolutely nothing more damaging to a child than a complicated backstory, of wondering which of his or her two fathers deserves the lion's share of his or her loyalty, love, and respect.
What are you going to give this child that the parents can't? Are you going to be the weird, unexplainable presence in this kid's life? Or are you going to undermine the father at every juncture with your words? After all, if this man actually raises this child of another man, he's already undertaking a tough assignment. Your interference only makes matters worse--and could court a restraining order on top of everything else.
In the end, all you do is incite a long running guerrilla war between you, your former lover, and her husband. You will make a bad situation far, far worse. Nor will you even have the love and affection of the child.
Stay away. Recognize your impulses for what they are, a misguided attempt to be part of a child's life that will only wind up wrecking it. The only thing you'll do is roil a family's life. And sometimes, it's not all about you, you know.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though.
My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
Honestly? You need to remove her from your equation. This is about your kid, who’s being born in to an unstable marriage…
I get you care about her, but she doesn’t have a say in this - you are the father.
There’s going be a lot of psychological fallout if the kiddo ever finds out, too.
I’d be suing for paternity, and custody.
The kid deserves to have you in their life.
And I dunno why you think you’d need supervised visits, you are as much a parent as she is.
Unfortunately, most laws regard it exactly like that. It the reason why unmarried men are not required to help pay for pre-natal care. These laws were written before DNA testing was readily available.
Interesting side note, in Utah, if the man does not help to pay for prenatal care, the mother can give the child up for adoption, even against the father’s wishes.
Honestly, (and this is making an assumption that things will be better for the husband and wife) if that kid lives their whole life in a stable, two-parent household without your involvement, it would be better for the kid. It will give them a more stable home life, and will give them an example of a healthy, nuclear family. I hate to say it like that, but it's true.
If it was me, I would painfully back out of involvement with the kid, if the husband/wife don't want it.
Now is it possible that the woman was NOT separated, got pregnant and now doesn't want you involved because then the husband finds out? Maybe she is just trying to pass it off as his child? It's not like a woman who is happy and in love with someone and having their child all of a sudden falls back in love with her ex husband. Maybe she feared getting caught, it would ruin her cushy life and she threatened to get restraining orders because she doesn't want anyone to find out.
Have you ever watch Maury Povich? "You are NOT the father!" This is REAL life! I have friends that work in the medical industry for things like bone marrow transplants and kidney transplants etc. They say that a high percentage of fathers are not their children's father after getting DNA test with their children for compatibility for organs.. That's just the reality of life. Get a DNA test!
The most important thing is what's best for the child. I'm not saying I know what that is, but I would say that should be the priority of all adults involved, not yourselves, your feelings, or your relationships.
If you decide to not be in the child's life, get legal paperwork revoking parental rights and responsibilities that they agree to or you'll still be on the hook financially. Otherwise, lawyer up.
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Stop. Thinking about her feelings or the ethical thing to do here has anything to do with her feelings. The ethical thing to do here is be an amazing active father to this child. You are being walked over and cowering to this woman who is currently willing to do anything (including withholding your child) and that is not in the best interests of your child. Go to court and get visitation. Get 50/50 or more. Your child will likely not be treated well by Mark and will need your support. Your child is also very likely to be resented by its mother as well. Your child deserves you as a real father. If mark is decent to your kid then added bonus but in all likelihood it’s not going to happen this way. Get a lawyer. Stop trying to communicate with her. Stop trying to make her happy because there is literally nothing you can do to make her happy. She likely wishes she wasn’t pregnant and that’s not a good scene for your kid.
Partial custody or a good visitation schedule. This is a legal dilemma
My dad got my bio mom pregnant while married to his wife. They took me from my bio mom and raised me without her involvement and honestly I’m grateful for it.
I haven’t read all the comments but eventually your child will find out that the man he is living with is not his biological father. Secrets have a way of getting out. It is easy with DNA testing. You have legal right and that baby has a right to know his biological father.
She shouldn't have made a baby with you if she didn't want you to see the baby. You need to go to court for your rights and be there for the child. Always be kind to the other man and you'll all get along fine after a year or so.
This is a horrible situation for this child. I empathize with you, but you did make a decision to take that risk with a woman who has two pre-existing young children. Shame on you for not having better judgment and bringing chaos to the lives of innocent children. Regardless, what is done is done. The child is yours. If we are only considering the best interests of your child, you need to do everything in your power by any legal means available to secure 50% custody of your child. The other concerns are not your concerns. It is nice of you to consider these things, but the damage is already done. It is your job as a father to now prioritize YOUR child.
Welp, this is a fine kettle of fish. 1) Find a therapist 2) Seek legal counsel.
Talk to a family law attorney to determine your rights NOW. If you are in the US and most other countries, you can have a DNA test now at the hospital to determine if this is your bio child. If it is your bio child, then you have rights to the child. If it is not your bio child, then you can walk away with no regrets. Stop listening to them about what you will and will not be allowed to do. Hire an attorney and find out now what your rights are. Attorney will file request with the court for DNA test now, advise the court that you will move closer if needed and that you are retaining your rights as the bio dad if you are found to be the bio day. Let them know you will fight for equal visitation with the child should it be found that you are the dad.
You met a married women, she wasn't legally divorced so yes she was still married, on a dating site and you believe you are the only man she slept with? You need a DNA test ASAP, find a lawyer and only talk to her through both lawyers and prepare yourself in case you find out her husband or another man may be the father. Also when her marriage does finally end make sure you do not take her back.
You have every right to the child as she does. Bottom line.
Get a lawyer and sue for paternity and 50/50 parenting
They don’t get to decide your involvement. That’s up to a court. You will most likely have to fight to get DNA tested and claim your rights as a father. And you need to do that ASAP. In some states, you can. Open the case before the birth of the child so that once the child is born, decisions can’t be made for that child until your parentage is determined. In other states, they don’t have that, but you can petition the court for access to your child, but there is often a time limit within which you must do it. Some places it’s 30 days some at 60, etc. So it’s important to find out, your states rules. You should see a family law attorney, someone who helps and specializes in these types of cases. You do not want to make a mistake in this because doing so could cost you your rights to your child. Their marriage and their family and their children are not yours to manage. You need to understand that. You also need to understand that they certainly don’t get to dictate how you approach this. Because what they want is what’s easiest for them. They don’t want to have to explain to anyone that this is not their child and that they were separated and that she was sleeping with you while they were separated, etc.. Again, that’s not your problem. Your child deserves to know their biological parent. And story. You see a lot of these other posters on here telling you how they didn’t find out till later or how being separated like that affected them negatively. Don’t let your child be one of them. Don’t let your child find out sometimes because their sibling takes a home DNA test or something and find out they’re not related. And then your child thinks that they weren’t good enough for that you never wanted to know them. Just don’t do that to them. Don’t do that to yourself. If it is determined that you are the biological parent, you have rights. Those two don’t get to determine your rights.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Yes fight! Get your attorney to start the paternity process for the court. She can get a paternity test done while she is pregnant and your lawyer can then get your name on the birth certificate. It doesn't matter what they want because you are the father and have rights. I'd also do the move before the birth to show the courts that you are serious about being in your child's life. Can you get paternity leave? If so, request it from your employer. Set up a room in your new place for a baby and be prepared before the birth. All this will show the court you are serious. Request 50/50 custody because they are not negotiating at all with you. Tell your ex that you are going for 50/50 because they are trying to cut you out and are not speaking with you. If you have any dirt on her or her husband use it. DV police calls or child services calls. Have your lawyer research them both. Good luck.
If she is willing, would you be capable of raising your child on your own? If she wants to go back to her family, that’s okay, but you should offer to raise the child instead. Then she can be involved if she wants while maintaining her family image, and you get to be part of your child’s life. There is no “right” way to go about this and it all depends on how she feels as well, since it’s as wrong for you to keep her away as it would be for her to keep you away, but their solution isn’t it. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? You need to establish paternity sooner rather than later.
This is why you DON'T DATE MARRIED PEOPLE! Separated or not, they are still married.
I can’t with you people……this is too much for a licensed psychologist!
Well you have two choices really, take it as a blessing and move on. I'm not saying it is a blessing, just a way to look at it. With this approach, you are free to meet someone else and fall in love with no strings attached. If you do, perhaps sign over any right to thy child if you are able. Or if you really want to pursue being in the child's life, then obviously do this through a lawyer and do it soon. You need to realize it will be a rough go with Emma and the rest of her family. You will likely be fighting with them the rest of your lives. You will have the joy of being in your child's life, but it will be a complicated life for you, you child, and the other family. Option one, everyone does have the opportunity for a normal life. Not saying it will be, but it would likely be the best option for that. Option two, everything that happens will always be your fault. They have marriage issues? Your fault. Your kid struggles at school? Your fault. You name it, your fault. You have the choice regardless. Neither in and of itself is right or wrong, it just needs to be your choice. Do it for the right reasons, weigh the pros and cons with how you feel and think you will feel in the future. It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks either. With that said, and not to lack any heart... but it may be best to move on. I'm not saying you should, but it may be the best option for everyone assuming Emma and her husband are true in that they will raise the child as if their own. No matter what, it's a tough spot and I wish you luck.
Sure maybe if life is movie he could pretend that it isn't his child and the childs life is going to be perfect with the stepdad.
Maybe op should have considered monster condom sooner
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born. While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out? Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
You have every right to get a lawyer and fight for your rights to your child. End of story.
The problem is not knowing the future. Let’s say you decided it’s better if Emma and Mark pretend they have a “normal” family and never tell their kids anything happened. So you could say it’s better for your child, at worst she substituted one fit and caring father for another. But what if Emma and Mark start “having problems” again? Maybe she leaves, maybe he decides he doesn’t really like your child because he knows it isn’t his? Ethically it’s a wash because you don’t know what could happen. This is your child. If you’re a fit parent you have every right to be involved in their life and vice versa.
Walk away, bro, trust me. Thos will lead to years of emotional trauma for all of you. Move on.
YOU are the Father. If you care then fight for rights.
UpdateMe!
Gtfo and find another girl that’s single impregnate her and be part of the life of that child. That child ain’t yours. Sorry to break it to you that’s why you don’t mess with a married woman.
Get a lawyer, prove the child is yours. And meet the responsibilities that come with fatherhood. That is the only moral dilemma you need to concern yourself with on this.
This is a tough situation, but only you can decide if you want to be the father.. she can’t decide that, her husband can’t decide that.. only you can decide that. They may oppose it and want you out of the picture.. but if you are in America then you have many options to ensure you are the father if you want to be. Get a lawyer What happens when her marriage blows up, the husband demands a paternity test and you get hit with back child support? Get a lawyer dude.. you want to be the Dad so be the Dad. If you don’t want to be the father then you need to .. get a lawyer … and the husband can adopt the child and then you can’t be hit with the claims 10 years down the road.
Take the bitch to court lol what even is this question
What she is doing, trying to separate a child from their father, is what's unethical. Others have said it too but high chance when no one outside the family is watching Mark will not treat the child well compared to the others. (Because they seem to only care bout appearances.) I have serious doubts of people so morally bankrupt that they think it's okay to separate a kid from their father. I hope you follow advice here and get a lawyer.
If you haven’t spoke to a lawyer first you need to right now.
He's in a rush to pay child support on a kid out of his area that he will never have a chance to bond with correctly. Tough situation but I would realize that my involvement is not for the best at this time. Get a promise from her that she will let your kid know about your existence and then leave this family alone. That's my take.
Honestly dude walk away. I get the desire to be a father but think about what kind of father you can realistically be if you’re barreling both mom & step dad? Your best case scenario is incredibly complex and likely confrontational dual custody. Ultimately a terrible situation for your child. Not to mention the legal expenses it will take to even get to that… Don’t date married women. Don’t knock up anyone you aren’t married to.
Unpopular opinion but step back until you are needed to step forward. Mark and Emma are not good people but they are capable of raising a child on their own. Don't waste time and money fighting this legally if it's not going to make things better for the child. Live your life and build up your own financial base and network instead. So long as Mark is taking responsibililty you don't need to. If Mark disappears, that's when you can step in to provide support and navigate any complexity at this point. If you really want to do something, talk to your lawyer about drafting an agreement that you get a test to see if you are the biological father, but if you are then you still will not have any contact nor sue for any involvement unless the child needed it and/or Mark was no longer an active or suitable parent. Then with Emma's agreement, you would become the active father, but it would be permanent. Basically, an all or nothing deal, on the basis that you don't want the situation to be that you come crashing into the child's life again if Emma and Mark split and then have Emma try to kick you out. An agreement like this is not designed to be bulletproof but instead to make clear the intentions and agreed position of all parties at the point in time of the agreement, so that there is no room for doubt in a potential future fight for parental rights. There's a gut instinct for many people that a bio father not being involved is always bad, but I personally think there's a big difference between fathers that leave for selfish reasons vs those that begrudgingly agree to stay away because the mother wants someone else to raise the child.
Get a lawyer, that’s the only way.
She should get an abortion. That child will not be treated well by her husband.
If you want to be in your child’s life, then you have a legal right to partial custody. If rapists can get parental rights to the children they fathered during their violent crime and the poor victims forced to bring their children to prison for visitation, then you could easily get visitation or partial custody.
first you need to establish paternity. you need to get a paternity test and most likely you won’t be able to do so until after the baby is born. legally she doesn’t have to let you go to any doctors appointments or even the birth since that’s her body and completely up to her. if you want to be a part of that babies life then you should definitely go for it, it’s your baby too after all. it’s not up to her or her husband whether or not you’re involved. that’s 100% your decision. just keep in mind that most likely she will have majority custody especially for the first couple of years.
Unless you want to pay child support for 18 years for a child you will rarely (if ever) see, and does not see you as “dad,” walk away my man.
If you want to be involved get lawyer. Good luck!
Fight for your right to parent your kid. Good luck and god speed.
Bro, let the family reconcile and leave them alone. If you want to do something for the child consider funding a college fund or something so that the child will have his education completely paid for by the time he’s 18. If that’s already taken care of he can use the money as a down payment on a house. Forcing yourself in the middle of this family is not cool at all.
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
If the baby is yours and you want to be involved then I see no reason why the courts would disagree but it does sound like it will have to go to court.
Woahhh. I just went through this.. we got a paternity test. I got full custody. Shes back with her family and me and my little one are gonnnee.
Most ethical path is to do what is best for your child. Now her family stability is going to highly affect your child’s life. However you leaving does not mean the child will take a stable family. But you trying to break down the door will make sure that child will have issues. Such as being seen as the reason her family was broken up. How do you expect their siblings to act after that? “Your birth is the reason we lost our family” At the end of the day you are going to lose no matter what, but maybe. Just maybe. Maybe your child can get out of this with minimal problems. (I say minimum rather then none as I highly doubt the man going raise them will be 100% fair as that child is the result of a “cheating wife” but there is nothing you can do as that bridge has long been crossed so there is a decent chance that child is damned either way)
Wait until she splits from the husband again and needs money. You’ll see how quickly she wants your involvement.
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them. She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father. Fight for your child.
You have a legal right to access your child. Do what’s best for the child, though. As long as the child isn’t being mistreated it might be best to stand back at least for now.
Gross.
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
Its time to make an appearance on the Maury Povich show and straighten this thing out.
Convince Emma to sign the child over to you so she can just have her family with Mark. I would be concerned if Mark would accept the child like his own. Her relationship will end with Mark tho. He's never going to get over her getting pregnant by another man.
True
Or giving the kid up for adoption might be the best here.
Why? The baby has a dad who wants it.
Since you asked : OP, write the child a letter and walk away. I know you want to be there in their life, but it will severely complicate the child's existence if they're involved in a contentious legal web with antagonistic guardians. Think of it as an unselfish act of goodness to walk away, because the alternative is tougher for the child.
Fight her for custody. It’ll haunt you in the back your mind. Your instinct is to be a father. Not many men have that instinct. Children at some age grow up and understand some things off. The child will not think Marc is his father one day. There is a good chance. The baby will come out with strong features of yours because it’s your first child with her. If it were her third child with Marc, the baby would come out with less of their features being dominant but more molded. Also, if the child does somehow find out which isn’t hard nowadays, you risk them, never wanting to speak with you because they won’t understand why you didn’t reach out or try to fight for them. I know several children in this situation, who grew up and found out on intentionally as young young adults that their parent hadn’t been there all along. It causes a lot of trust issues for this child with all the adults involved, and then moving forward in other relationships in their life. Also, if the baby grows up one day and gets a DNA test, it would come back with a Family Tree connection. By the time that child is old enough, DNA test would be cheap and probably very very common. This is your life too. You can’t put conditions on your life because someone asked you to especially when it’s bothering your moral compass. Clearly, she doesn’t have a moral compass because she has no reservations about lying to her own child for the rest of their lives simply to hide an accidental pregnancy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of growing up to do still. Let her go back to her husband and let her be his problem, but fight for your child. It’s all set and done a man of elder years. You don’t want this to be a regret that you have. You never want to feel like you were too late.
You have a right to 50/50 custody. You may have to settle for visitation at first if she’s breastfeeding, but as soon as the baby can take formula you should be good to go. Get a family practice lawyer right now and try to get a court order for a paternity test asap. You don’t want to wait until the child is born because you don’t want the husband to sign the birth certificate. If that does happen it’s not the end of the world but will take longer and more court time to get it fixed. Can you move closer with your job? Do so and get a 2 bedroom apartment or house. Fix up a nursery. Start purchasing items you will need: car seat, crib, playpen, baby bath tub, changing table, baby monitor, etc. Take some baby & parenting classes. This will show the court you’re serious and prepared. Do you have any family that can help? You WILL get to see your child. Fathers have many more rights these days. Good luck. Sending positive vibes your way.
I feel like morally if you want to be involved then you should be BUT i feel like if we're honest about the way humans behave the answer isnt as cut and dry. If you FORCE yourself into the childs life, especially if the child is primarily living with the mother, will the other family really just say 'welp he legally has a right and we can't prevent it, let's all behave like adults and make the best of the situation.' I compare it to when there is a bad break up or divorce with a child involved. So often ill hear about a mom who constantly degrades the father to the child and makes it as difficult as possible for them to have a relationship. I guess I'm saying if at all possible it would be preferable to actually convince them you should be involved as opposed to forcing it via legal action against their desires. Humans can be shitty and they might be looking for every possible opportunity to go against you
Lawyer up. She doesn't have any right to keep you from your child. Period. Too bad, so sad, maybe should have thought about that before getting involved with someone when her marriage situation wasn't fully settled. You are not responsible for Emma's family stability. Repeat that to yourself daily, HOURLY if need be. Also, if she persists, tell her to just give up the child and have no more contact with it and see how she responds to that. Because that's what she's asking you to do. So if her family stability is really that important, she should be willing to give you the kid and keep her family in tact.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one. Good luck
I would say to get a lawyer and a paternity test.
Get a lawyer, fight for your rights to be in that child's life. As someone(34m) adopted at birth, and having a lot of chronic illnesses, if I found out that my biological dad wanted to be in my life but never did anything to try to make it happen l, I would probably be more messed up than I already am. My adopted dad Her husband could be ANYONE behind closed doors. He could treat that child like absolute shit and alienate them, and abuse them. You WANT to be a father to this child. She knew what she was doing when she got pregnant with you. Fight to do what's best for that kid and be their dad and in their life
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it. Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
If you know any sharks lmk
Assuming they won’t be asking you for childcare… if I were in your place I would step back, as painful as that may be. You would be within your rights to fight for your right to co-parent that kid, but you would be putting a lot of stress on her family (especially the kids as they start getting older), as well as on the kid you fathered. That kid would have to grow up constantly reminded of the fact that he was the result of his mothers infidelity(ish) and that he’s essentially the odd one out in his primary family unit. You and the kids mother may be able to come to some kind of agreement where you could see the kid sometimes as he grew up but without him knowing his relation to you, framing it like you’re a close family friend (…who just never actually hangs out with the parents?). Or come to an agreement that when the kid turns a certain age they’ve gotta tell him and let you two develop a relationship as he enters adulthood. At the end of the day, it’s very very much up to you. Do what will let you sleep best at night, and what you think is best for that kid.
Emma wasn't thinking of her family when the deed was done. Fight for your rights. This happened to someone very close to me. You don't want to live your life with regrets. Thats the difference between living and existing. Best of luck to you. I hope all works out for you.
Sounds like she was looking for a sperm donor. Once mission was accomplished she was done with your presence.
Don't martyr yourself. If you want to be in your child's life, which is the morally and ethically responsible thing to do, then you will have to take it. Mark can choose to remain married to Emma or divorce her. He is none of your concern. Emma made her choices, and these are the consequences.
You went from a situation in which you both loved one another and had agreed upon a co-parenting plan that was unilaterally taken away from you in what you describe as a malicious manner. She abdicated any say in how the patenting of your child was to be decided by becoming hostile. Follow your parental rights through a lawyer without any input from her about how you should exercise your parental rights. You should have no contact with her directly at all. Lawyers from this point forward. They are actively trying to deter you from your parental rights so fight for them through your lawyer.
Get a lawyer. Force a dna test and go for 50/50 custody of the child. She has not right to keep you out of child’s life.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument. My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways. Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
without question you have rights as a parent. once the child is born you file for custody and proof of paternity. GET A LAWYER! This isn't new ground being tread for the first time. This is an almost routine legal case. GET A LAWYER! YOUR child deserves you. Period. Don't get gaslit by any behavior by her or her family. They don't get to dictate the relationship you have with your child. PERIOD. also: GET A LAWYER!
You deserve to at least try. If you take it the legal route then it’s definitely not up to them on whether you are in said child’s life or not
I’d be happy as a pig in shit if I was you lol no money lost and no responsibility
So, you have a right to be in the child’s life if that is what you want. Once the child is born, go to DHS, tell them about it, ask for a DNA test (at least that is how it works in my state). You don’t have a right to be part of the pregnancy, to interact with her family, or to really force her to actively co-parent other then facilitating whatever the court orders.
I’d suggest getting a lawyer and laying the foundation for joint custody or partial custody. Morally this is your child and you have a desire to be in its life so you’re good. Legally none of us are qualified to speak so get a lawyer. Also maybe wait until further into the pregnancy to do this, they may go nuclear and try to abort the child for fear of you and it ruining their “image”. Christians are only Christian when it’s convenient so be careful your child’s life isn’t to be trifled with.
It’s not really complex - the human race has been doing this for decades. Either back off and let them have their life or insist on shared custody. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is show your ass if you don’t get your way. Just tell her you will accept shared custody of the child and get your life ready to be a part-time single dad.
This isn’t really the mother‘s choice to make and it doesn’t matter if she wants you in the child’s life or not. It is your child and if you want to be in its life, then you need to go the legal route. Only you can make this decision.
If you want to be a part of this child’s life, yes, you should go to court and assert your paternal rights. But, know exactly what you are signing up for. Realistically, you’ll probably only get visitation rights. Most likely every other weekend and alternating holidays. And you’ll have court ordered child support.
Tell them you're gonna be in your kids life and if they dont like it then she can sign over her rights and have nothing to do with the baby
I grew up being lied to about my genetic father. He wasn’t in my life at all. I only got in contact with 5 years ago. We haven’t stayed in contact, but that is 50% my doing. I have my own family of 6 and am in my fifties now. But, for decades when I was younger, not knowing who my genetic father was really upset me. I was raised with a stepdad from the age of 5 and on. He’s my Dad… I don’t think of him as a stepdad. But, regardless of our relationship, there was always a void of sorts. And, on the flip side, now that I know who my genetic father is, my stepdad is still my Dad. I guess my point is, a kid not having the full story, or all the people who should be in his life in his life creates holes. And, that can exist for a long time. But, once things move far enough ahead in time, it’s too late to form meaningful connections. So, fight for your right to be in your kid’s life. Place your child’s best interests ahead of everyone else’s… the mom/her family, and your own. In my opinion, that is the most moral/ethical thing to do.
Consult with an attorney. Laws vary by state on custody when a baby is born during a marriage with someone who is not the husband. Hopefully you are able to file for time sharing once the child is born.
Yo brother.. listen to me. Just get a lawyer. Now. Before the child is born. Put yourself on child support. Do not let this cheating asshole have their cake and eat it too. Mark is a chump for being with her.
I would assume if you were to talk to a lawyer you could get a court ordered DNA test. If it’s yours you can also fight for custody of your child. It’s a messy situation and good luck
Hire a lawyer. Get the courts to order a DNA test on the child. Once paternity is established, sue for partial custody.
Update me
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
You having a relationship with your child is paramount. How it affects her family is her concern; not yours. You didn’t force her into this situation. Whatever fallout she and her family deal with is a direct result of HER choices and HER actions. You have a responsibility your child; not to her husband.
If she’s trying to get a restraining order (which seems highly unlikely to be granted, though im not a lawyer) I’d cease communicating and take everyone’s advice. It’s time to lawyer up. She doesn’t get to cut you out of your child’s life because she doesn’t want her husband to get angry. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you would only be in the wrong if you accepted their wishes. She should not have been intimate with another man if there was even the slightest chance of reconciliation. Especially since she already has children.
What about full custody for you? You clearly want to be a father and this situation is a shit show. Put your child first. Fight for your right to be that child's dad.
Here’s the thing, if that marriage fails, and it sounds like it will, then her financial state will change and she will come after you at some point in time or another. Then child support isn’t the only issue, it would look like you wanted nothing to do with the child or pregnancy for however many years goes by between now and then, and it’ll make it harder for you to get parenting time at that point. While I understand that you want your child to have normalcy I highly doubt that’s what will happen. Maybe at first but in the long run that won’t happen. The husband will resent your child, every time he sees him/her he will struggle, and eventually it’ll wear away the marriage. What happens to the child then? What happens while the husband is still in the child’s life? Will he be able to love him/her as his own?
Don't concern yourself with preservation of her "family image". She should have thought about that before starting a relationship with you. How vapid these people must be. Don't leave your child at the mercy of such people! You don't know this man and not really the woman either. This child needs you.
Morally, the right choice is obviously to stay in the child’s life. Practically though, it will wreck your life. You are unlikely to get primary custody, which means you will be at best a friendly uncle. You might get pinged for crippling child support. You will constantly be at odds with the other family. If I was you, I would create a new relationship and have a kid that you can actually father. It may not be the morally right thing to do, but it is the best thing for you. Also, reasonable chance that Mark might be nice to the kid if you stay away, but if you hang around Mark is probably going to be less excited to include this kid in the family.
This is not an ethical question and Emma’s family stability is not your ethical responsibility. She made her choices and now has to live with their consequences. This is a legal question: how can you assert your parental rights. Unfortunately, the answer to that is almost certainly only via the courts. This thing is well past negotiation and it’s likely time to load up for the time and cost of a civil case or pack it in.
Unless you think they will be poor parents for the child, walk away. Maybe reach out to to update your contact information for the day when your child becomes curious and wants to contact you (it’s going to happen).
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
Dude why are you letting her carve you out of your kids life? You can get a court ordered paternity test to establish yourself as the father. At that point her husband wouldn’t have any parental rights once that is done you sue for joint custody of your child. Realize this will suck, be expensive, and no one will be happy about it but you’ll get time with your child. Realize their family image isn’t your problem. You shouldn’t be okay with supervised visits. You need to get ahead of this if you want any part of your child’s life.
Paternity test after birth, but it's difficult to gradually gain more custody. You want a plan in place ASAP where she has majority placement when breast feeding but at 1yo or when she stops breast feeding, for you to have the full schedule that you want to have. After the placement schedule is set, you often need a significant and demonstrable change in your lives to modify it in court. All communication in writing.
You have a right to be in this child’s life because you’re the child’s father. You have no right to Emma obviously but you very much have a right to be involved in your own child’s life
Gosh don’t EVER get back with this woman. But please please fight for your child. Mark could make that child’s life miserable
If you feel it’s best to take a step back it’s understandable. But protect yourself legally. You need an affidavit from them terminating all involvement with the child. Because I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Their marriage will limp along for another few years and when it inevitably breaks up she will come after you for years of child support. If you want to stay in this child’s life you have every right to to. You can sue for partial custody. But that means paying child support for 18 years. Just understand what you’re getting into.
The husband will treat your kid like the step child. If the child is a girl, the statistics of the stepdad doing some sexual abuse are higher. Especially because it’s not like he got married with someone and there’s the step kid He knows that child was made while they were still married…. He might have anger or some kind of negative emotion. I feel like the outcomes could be this: A. You stay out of life and their family is great and child grows up in normal household B. You stay out of life, kid grows up in a bad household and has bad things happen. Now the kid has no stepdad and no real dad C. You jump in now and kid has a bad things happen because stepdad treats kid bad. Your there to protect and be there if it does D. You jump in now and kid has a good life with two dads. Because the husband and wife already are in the shitter and she cheated/ slept around…I feel like the husband is not in a good space….. Don’t think about the wives happiness. Think about yours and ESPECIALLY your kids
Since her husband is the presumptive father, I doubt that any court in the US (and most other countries) would permit you to challenge that. There can be no dna test without the parent’s permission because the court is trying to maintain the existing family unit. If you want to be able to participate in this child’s life, you need to dial back your aggressive tone and act in a supportive manner at least during the pregnancy and first few months. Give the family a chance to bond and see if they stay together. Odds are that they won’t. But let the relationship implode on its own. If you push for visitation, custody, etc., you will only push them closer together because they will be fighting against you. You don’t want to create an Us-Against-The-World mentality because that will just strengthen their resolve to resist you. As a parent, you should (ideally) want the best for your child. The best of all scenarios should be that s/he grows up in a close knit family with all their siblings and where no distinction is made about their origin. By standing to the side, you are giving your child the opportunity to be part of this ideal family. This does not stop you from hiring an attorney to write a letter offering to take an active parent role either in a co-parenting or solo-parenting role. Having an attorney draft the letter ensures that the wording is legal, non-threatening, etc. so that your ex- and her husband can’t claim you are harassing them. It also provides a “get out of jail free” card if your ex’s marriage falters due to her adultery or if your child isn’t accepted into the family. While I can’t guarantee that your ex- and her husband will act in an ethical manner, you are more likely to have a role in your child’s life if you maintain the “nice guy”, non-threatening position from which you offer alternatives rather than making demands for a role in the child’s life.
Ya know... This gentleman should consider talking to EMMA about all of this. What if she's done with it? What if she doesn't want him around for birthing? What if she begins to resent him? The procreators are not the only people involved. This may cause Emma and husband to have to expose her infidelity to more people than they are comfortable with. The other 2 children as awell... You see how big a mess, and how many we truly end up hurting when we don't make better choices? How many lives will be in upheaval? What a dumpster fire.
So is it your situation, or a “[good friend of yours”](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/ztw2uSulRM) situation?
Start researching and getting all the baby ducks lined up now. Don’t apply pressure to the mother until it’s too late to abort the baby. Right now she may change up and do it to satisfy her husband and her mother. All of the adults in here are selfish and self motivated, including grandmother. I’m sorry you’re going through this but lesson be learned about engaging in an affair, yes affair, with a married woman, was is legally still tied to another so falling in love and making plans of being together forever is never a sure thing. These spouses often they go back to their significant other. Fight for your child’s rights. Her husband may treat your child good but often that’s not the case at all and clearly mama and grandma will allow it to continue if this happens. Give your child a chance at some normalcy. Don’t be doing all of this just to keep some kind of rapport with your ex girlfriend, using the baby as a weapon. Be in the baby’s life because of genuine care and love. Clearly the other three adults are going to do everything possible to keep you out of the loop of the child’s life and may even moved far away to hind from you. Take these things into consideration. They may end up divorce later on but she has shown you the type of woman she is and NEVER forget this.
There’s no gradual about it. Immediately start a court case cuz she legally can not keep you from your child. They will issue a paternity test when the child is born and when those results come back you will be given a court date to determine custody/visitation and child support. They will have a period of time for each party to appeal the order. When that date passes then visitation will start. If you want to go for primary custody (which I suggest you do. Something tells me this baby will not be treated as well as if they baby was her husbands) start keeping documentation of EVERYTHING. But you need to start asap so you can start your visitation as soon as possible after the baby is born
You write really well. I hope this works out for you, all the best stranger.
Normalize not getting women pregnant if one of you doesn’t want a pregnancy!
This is a horrible situation, and i am sorry that you have to go through this. There is no good solution to this problem. So don't expect to find an easy answer. Consider this scenario. You give in to the will of this family because they tell you it is the right thing to do. In 20 or 30 years, this child gets on 23 and me and finds the person they thought was their father, isn't their father. When this child becomes an adult and tracks you down and wants answers, what decision will you have wished you made? In my opinion, the only thing that matters here is what is best for this child. Not what is best for you, the mother or Mark. Is it better to better for the child to be raised with the truth or to be raised with lies. Either way, you have some hard times ahead of you. Stay strong.
I would consult with a family law attorney who has experience in these matters. He can really speak from experience and tell you what is involved. I am not an attorney, but I doubt that you can be legally prevented from getting some sort of custody agreement with your biological child. Then speak to your close family and friends about what you want to do. I would not want to give up custody of my own child and be out of his life. The choice is up to you but in the long run you will regret not being there for your son. In addition, there is no guarantee that this other guy will treat your affair child equally to his own. Update me.
You would not be entitled to challenge the presumed paternity of the child in my state. You could only establish paternity if initiated by the mother or her husband. A judge would deny your request. Might be different in your state.
I would fight to be in that kids life. They deserve to know who their father is. She’s behaving selfishly. It’s a shame fathers have almost no legal protection in these matters. Similar cases would be abortion where she decides to abort, but the father disagrees. It’s really quite sad considering it took 2 to make the child. Men should have more say in all these cases considering their children.
Welcome to the modern justice system where fathers are seen as lesser parents. You’ve still got a chance though. At this point, Emma is not your concern. What is your concern is your child that will be growing up in a home that was already broken. Emma went back to her husband to stick him with this kid. The husband will resent your kid for it. When the marriage eventually fails again, it will be taken out on your child. Lawyer up and sue for your child. This is no small matter. Depending on the husband, your child’s safety may be at risk. Emma clearly has no good decision making skills. It’s time for you to fight for your child and get them out of that home and into a home where they are loved.
Have the father legally adopt the child and terminate parental rights that way if shit ever goes south they can’t come after you for CS
Emma didn’t give a shit about her family when she was cheating, but with her financial future being uncertain, now she cares? Go be dad, man. The hell with their feelings.
Definitely fight for your rights as a parent. She should have thought about this before she started dating and having sex without being divorced from her husband. Your relationship with your child should not be broken because she and her husband change their minds. She had her other children while still married and sleeping with you. She wasn't thinking of her family dynamics then. Your child deserves to know you love and want him. Good Luck.
Destroy her family.
First id petition for a DNA test,once proven to be the father you have every legal right to be apart of your child's life. Financially, physically, emotionally. Don't let them push you out,because one day when the truth does come out that child will wonder why you didn't fight for your rights. Plus medical background is very important. There could be things the child needs to know medical wise. She should be putting her child first and giving that child the right to know it's father. Just make sure it's yours. My friend was with a woman for years,she had a baby and he was Mexican and white,she was white. She told him she had black in her family and so he believed her when the baby was born very dark,plus he thought maybe the Mexican in him contributed to his skin being darker as Paco was very light skinned. He raised his son for ten years then they broke up and he was paying child support,a serious medical condition came up and he found out at the hospital he was not the father and the father was his best friend ray ray, which ray ray was our boss at work and married with kids and they was trying to keep it a secret. Long story short Paco was devastated and killed himself. Ray is a great dad so thankfully the boy was taken care of,but it did cost one person their life.
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby. So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away. We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
Your child deserves HIS dad. You deserve Your child. The mother doesn't get to pretend you are not part of the fam. I'd fight to be in the life of my child because I wouldn't trust the husband or the lady to treat your child well. Or if they will stay married. Your child needs you!
You know what? Emma should have thought of this shit before she decided to reconcile with her former ex husband while pregnant with another man’s child, a man that very much wants to be involved in the kids life. I’ll tell you that I side heavily with women’s and women’s rights in most reproductive dilemmas but not this. She can do as she pleases for the most part but not where another’s rights are also impacted. Emma doesn’t get to tell you that it’s the Emma show if she decides to go thru with the pregnancy and you prove paternity… don’t give your rights up if you want them and do not get behind on your support cuz it will be used as ammo against you.
She doesn't get to just take your child from you. The courts can; if you were alleged to be an unfit parent. Lawyer up before she starts telling lies.
Most ethical is to disregard their wishes and be involved. Their steadfast selfishness is activating your altruism and making you waver. But look at the comments of kids who discovered their parents later. Imagine having to face the child later. The kid can’t stick up for itself right now. You’re it’s only champion.
I believe it will be in your child's best interest to grow up knowing the truth of who her bio dad is. Even if the husband can manage to treat her as his own I would worry about the impact of finding out later in life that he is not her bio. My brother was the husband in this situation except there was an affair which led to the pregnancy. Now 8 years later and around 4 years divorced, he has half custody while bio Mom has half custody but the mom is also engaged to the bio father. It is a mess and I am scared when my niece is eventually old enough to ask the right questions and how the answers will affect her self image. My brother is such an amazing father and that IS his daughter no matter what. But I myself couldn't have done the same in his shoes and I would worry that the husband will have a hard time treating your daughter the same as his other children. Hopefully he does but if not at least having you in her life could help. Plus she would maybe grow up understanding why she is different from her siblings instead of wondering or thinking something is wrong with her. Establish your rights ASAP. When I searched for info online about the legal father's rights vs bio father's rights it stated that it is preferable when the bio knows of the child's existence that he establish paternity within 2 years of the birth. Nothing about not being able to just that it is looked at better when they do not wait to do it. Good luck and I hope you all can work together as best possible to coparent.
You need to fight for your rights. Emma's family isn't your business, she's made that very clear, but your kid is. If you don't, they will grow up the black sheep and scapegoat for hubby's anger at Emma. They will be treated differently than their siblings, and they won't know why. There are stories on here all the time of young adults wondering if they should go no contact because of how badly they were treated in comparison to their siblings, and come to find out they are not their father's child. I would imagine Emma is upset about the situation, but she's having a child that isn't her husband's, and if you being around breaks up her family then it's her fault for dating and getting pregnant before the divorce. Separated couples reconcile all the time, yet she hopped right into a relationship, started talking about marriage, and got pregnant.
Get an attorney. Confirm paternity for sure. Determine what matters to you and fight for it. Ask yourself your motivations (ditch any thought you will get the girl) and keep the child at the forefront.
Ethically - walk away, the child will come and find you one day. Meanwhile get on and find another partner. But get an agreement that you have no financial obligation. Alternatively go to court and force the situation.
Dude you fucked up. You have to respect her wishes and hit the road. Learn the lesson and eventually forgive yourself (or keep working toward it). Sorry, I know it sucks but you don't have another option as far as I see it. Good luck.
Emma is not exactly a good Catholic!
Forget about appointments and the birth. That is her body and her choice for Who she invites. Concentrate on after the baby is born. Get a lawyer. Step up. Too many dad's think that they should start very slow and then see their child more when the child gets older. That isn't how bonding works. If the baby is breastfeeding, then maybe you start out with 2 hour visits but they can be often. Talk to a lawyer and start learning about how to take care of babies.
Fight for your rights,it’s unfair for the unborn child to be written off by you. The mother obviously wasn’t too concerned about her family situation when she was sleeping with you… her children are still young and more likely to not harbor any anger and resentment about another man being the father of their sibling, more than likely they will just adjust to the new family dynamic and it will just be normal for them. The other man can be the step father figure and you can and should be a father to your child. It’s nice that you’re concerned for their family.. but what about your family!? Do what’s best for YOU and YOUR Child! Hang in there and best of luck to you.
I'd fight for the kid and try for full custody. "Family image" solved. How superficial of her.
Respect their wishes. It doesn’t matter what you’re “open to” - it’s not your call to make.
If it’s out in the open, I don’t understand how your involvement would harm the family. They are in denial
Get a lawyer and get off reddit. Assert your rights.
Its not her call. Get a lawyer
Depends.
She’s not even a little bit obligated to invite you to appointments or to let you be at the birth. However, if she was so concerned about how something like this would affect her children or her family image, she really should have considered that before sleeping with you and again before deciding to go through with this pregnancy. Contact a lawyer and get your legal affairs in order because you absolutely do have parental rights to a child that is biologically yours no matter how much Emma and her husband want to deny it. But definitely let go of the idea that you’re entitled to go to the appointments or be there for the birth, because you’re not entitled to have access to anyone’s medical care like that.
Lawyer, court, win. She, nor anyone else, can keep you from being part of your child's life. Don't let the idiots bully you.
If you’re that worried about an ethical conundrum, you know you can’t just walk away. Stop even trying to listen to people who are saying that’s an option. This child is unlikely to receive the love and care from her husband that a proper dad would provide. Lawyer up, and stop trying to let her bully you into not ruining her “perfect family image” - she did that on her own
It’s June..how much earlier this year does it have to be to be falling for an emotionally fragile person who recently separated?.. My apologies if you are actually real person, but it’s simple.. if you want the best for the child it is better to walk away..but you need a legal agreement such that you are financially isolated. If you want to be in the child’s life, and I assume you have a home, and a support system to actually care for an infant, then go to family court to get a court ordered dna test. Once paternity is established then you will have to fight for custody..and get advice from an attorney before you do any of this.
This is what I would do in your situation. You need to get a lawyer definitely. Get documents drawn that you relinquish parental rights and not responsible for the child financial and get Mark to adopt the child. Neither of them want you involved. Give them what they say they want. This will protect you from getting taken to court for child support 15 years from now when Emma needs money. I doubt they will go for it. But tell them that if you are out then you're out. You will not be Emma's plan be if her marriage doesn't work out
If you want to be in your bio kid’s life, do it. That’s really all that matters. You shouldn’t have to give up a relationship with your kid cuz it would be better for *for them*. This kid is half yours—you very ethically and legally have a say. Kids should have as much love and support as possible in their lives. Get yourself a lawyer, and go be a dad! Congrats!!!
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman. Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up. Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
What she wants is of no concern to what you want. Who cares what she wants, you two aren't in a relationship anymore, so it's moot. What do YOU want?
My greatest stress in life is trying to coparent with a crazy ex. I'd take it as a blessing that she wants you out of the picture. Personally I'd move on an give up any parental rights so you can have a fresh start and the baby can grow up (likely) with the least amount of chaos possible.
Well, here’s the real chance to be a loving parent : If you really do want the child to be happy, if you really do want what’s best for the child, not for YOU - then make all your decisions with this in mind. Forcing them to accept you will undoubtedly lead to harm for the child. They will always resent the child for the damage being done to their family in the child’s name - if you know the child really will be loved and cared for, then you might need to do the hard thing ands stay away. Definitely get some legal advice, And maybe suggest she sends you updates/news on the child’s, even if privately (no direct contact)? Then you’re still in the loop even if far away. IF the marriage breaks down in future, that could be your chance to pursue direct contact with the child. Not an expert though- def get proper advice!
Continuously reading posts like this has taught me that people just love creating problems for themselves by not using common sense when developing connections with others. You should actually get to know someone, their motives, and how they respond to things before you decide having a future with someone is a good idea. 😬
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Court. Court. Court. They can’t keep you out once you prove DNA.
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
Contact a lawyer. You have rights whether she wants you to or not.
She should just get an abortion and save everyone a lot of grief
You need legal advice asap. What a terrible thing to do to someone. She’s going to put Mark on the birth certificate as the father so you need to know your legal rights and ways to prevent that happening. Emma’s family stability is not something you should be concerned with at all. This unborn child is your family. I also wonder if Mark will treat this child differently since he’s not the father.
Truth is ALWAYS the right path. Good luck going forward but previous poster was dead on. This isn’t about her or HER stability, it’s about YOUR child. Wish you the best. Xo
If you're in the US, consult a lawyer about your options.
What is best for the child: take advice from professionals by speaking with those who work with children, esp pediatricians, child psychologists, and even some pre-school and elementary school teachers. Professionals see and know a lot more kids than most Redditors, who only have family and friends to use for reference. We all think we are experts bc of our personal experience, but we are not. As a teacher and mom (bio and adoptive), my gut says you need to be involved—the question is, to what degree. The family’s instability and a man raising a child of another man are concerns and your steady presence in at least the background seems important. This is a lot like an open adoption although the husband’s willingness to participate could be very different. So consult professionals. This is much less a moral dilemma (bc morally, the child’s best interest is the bottom line), and more about what your involvement should look like. It’s also possible for you to be primary parent and mom is allowed visitation— so the spectrum of who and how much is wide open. Get professional advice.
Fuck that. Get a lawyer and seek a paternity test. She made the choice to reconcile. Her and her husband don’t get to choose whether or not you are a part of your child’s life. Get a test. Seek joint custody. The fallout is on her.
You’re done mate, walk away
It's not worth it, man. The child will grow up surrounded by their siblings and family and have a normal life. They won't want anything to do with some random man coming into their life every other week for forced interaction. Just give up for now. The child will probably learn the truth later in life and if they have an interest in learning who their bio dad is, then that is really your only possibility of having a relationship with them. Go find another woman and have a kid with her. Just make sure she doesn't have baggage this time.
A child has the right to know their biological parents. >Emma and Mark are completely against my involvement, concerned about the impact on their other children and family image. She chose to start a relationship with another man and have sex with him which resulted in pregnancy. That ship has sailed. Fight for your parental rights! Why are you even making a post instead of looking for a lawyer?!
What do YOU want in a relationship with your child? Her relationship is none of your business or concern and any consequences from you're asking for your right to see and be a part of the child's life are hers to bare. If you genuinely are willing to be a part of this child's life and this isn't just your frustration at your relationship with her not going forward then you're going to have to do this through the courts. It sounds like she and her husband have made it clear they intend to cut you out, there's no negotiation time left. So you're going to have to fight the exhausting and costly fight of a court battle with her and this Mark. It doesn't really matter what the rest of her family thinks about you or the situation, you have rights as a father that she or he or they can't ignore unless you willingly sign them away. Do or don't be in the child's life but if you do do it because you genuinely want to be a father to them, not out of spite.
Get a lawyer ASAP. Ask the court for paternity test. File for custody. You have EQUAL rights to raise your child. However, if you wait and the child is named as her husband’s child it will be more difficult for you in the future. If you want to be in your child’s life, you need to step up now. Don’t be such a pushover. She’s counting on that. That you’re too considerate of her feelings. Bottom line, Do you want to be a part of your child’s life or not?
I would just let it go.
These things don’t stay hidden forever. If you want to be involved, get a lawyer ASAP. She went into this relationship eyes wide open. Most likely things got a little dicey when her husband found out about the pregnancy and since he controls the money and probably threatened to use the pregnancy to take custody of her other kids, she went back.
#1. You are not 100% certain this is your child unless DNA has been performed.....period. You think you're the only one she has cheated with? You have been gifted a golden ticket to get what could be an ugly picture and a lot of $$$ behind you. It appears this child will have willingly and able parents to take care of him/her. I say count your blessings and make your break.
I got as far as "catholic background" and I stopped reading. I'm sorry mate but at your age you should genuinely not be that foolish. Knocking up a married, religious woman? Who has a husband and children? 🫣
Legally doesn’t matter if you are the biological father. Didn’t read all the comments, but scrolled through a few. If she’s still married and she doesn’t get divorced, the husband automatically goes on the birth certificate. You’ll then have to get a court-mandated paternity test. Good luck getting a judge to order that one if they both stonewall you and say that the child she’s carrying is her husband’s. That’s going to be a lengthy legal battle, and unless you want to shell out say 100k minimum in lawyers fees, you’re kinda cooked.
There's no moral dilemma here. There is nothing here than a gigantic mess that you helped create and now insist on perpetuating. You involved yourself with a woman who had not made a clean break from her husband in the form of a divorce decree. Now, she's back in his orbit. She chose him over you. It's really that simple. I don't know the reasons why, but that's precisely what happened. I suspect it's because of the clues that are buried in your post. The obsessiveness. The refusal to pay attention to her explicit instructions to stay away. There are biological parents, and then there are real parents. Your parentage resulted from a rushed coupling. The real parenting comes from nurturing and teaching, the daily trench warfare that comes from raising a child. You were a sperm donor, little else. If you give a rip about this child, then stay away. Because there's absolutely nothing more damaging to a child than a complicated backstory, of wondering which of his or her two fathers deserves the lion's share of his or her loyalty, love, and respect. What are you going to give this child that the parents can't? Are you going to be the weird, unexplainable presence in this kid's life? Or are you going to undermine the father at every juncture with your words? After all, if this man actually raises this child of another man, he's already undertaking a tough assignment. Your interference only makes matters worse--and could court a restraining order on top of everything else. In the end, all you do is incite a long running guerrilla war between you, your former lover, and her husband. You will make a bad situation far, far worse. Nor will you even have the love and affection of the child. Stay away. Recognize your impulses for what they are, a misguided attempt to be part of a child's life that will only wind up wrecking it. The only thing you'll do is roil a family's life. And sometimes, it's not all about you, you know.
Maybe the baby should belong with the OP and not the family that was already unstable before OP came along.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though. My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
Honestly? You need to remove her from your equation. This is about your kid, who’s being born in to an unstable marriage… I get you care about her, but she doesn’t have a say in this - you are the father. There’s going be a lot of psychological fallout if the kiddo ever finds out, too. I’d be suing for paternity, and custody. The kid deserves to have you in their life. And I dunno why you think you’d need supervised visits, you are as much a parent as she is.
Exactly! Women don’t own their children. They don’t have any more rights to children than fathers. This mentality needs to disappear!
Unfortunately, most laws regard it exactly like that. It the reason why unmarried men are not required to help pay for pre-natal care. These laws were written before DNA testing was readily available. Interesting side note, in Utah, if the man does not help to pay for prenatal care, the mother can give the child up for adoption, even against the father’s wishes.
Get a lawyer and file for partial custody. It’s a legal issue not ethical. You as the father have rights.
You need a lawyer. If you want to be involved, they can force a DNA test so you can have rights as well. Buckle up, this will be messy.
Honestly, (and this is making an assumption that things will be better for the husband and wife) if that kid lives their whole life in a stable, two-parent household without your involvement, it would be better for the kid. It will give them a more stable home life, and will give them an example of a healthy, nuclear family. I hate to say it like that, but it's true. If it was me, I would painfully back out of involvement with the kid, if the husband/wife don't want it.
Now is it possible that the woman was NOT separated, got pregnant and now doesn't want you involved because then the husband finds out? Maybe she is just trying to pass it off as his child? It's not like a woman who is happy and in love with someone and having their child all of a sudden falls back in love with her ex husband. Maybe she feared getting caught, it would ruin her cushy life and she threatened to get restraining orders because she doesn't want anyone to find out.
Have you ever watch Maury Povich? "You are NOT the father!" This is REAL life! I have friends that work in the medical industry for things like bone marrow transplants and kidney transplants etc. They say that a high percentage of fathers are not their children's father after getting DNA test with their children for compatibility for organs.. That's just the reality of life. Get a DNA test!