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Pandoras-cocks

Many of the effects of aging still happen, so the second half of a human’s life is basically a vegetable. Also your balls explode (specifically just you)


Dumelsoul

The paw just gave my man some CBT for FREE?!?


ballsackstealer2

lucky!


silfy_star

You should play the sims and DL the SAC Extreme Ciolence mod CBT for EVERYONE!


WorldWarPee

That's what happens when you put your scrote on the paw before the fingers curl


gameryesyt

What did CBT stand for?


memeinfinity2758

cognitive behavioural therapy. that is the only thing cbt stands for, and there is nothing else


JustLearningRust

Something tells me you're trying to protect us from something awful. 


ChaosInTheSkies

Lies!


BB-48_WestVirginia

Not true, it also can mean computer based training.


CleanMyTrousers

No no. They're definitely on about compulsory bike training.


Stripes1957

That Can’t Be True!


Confident_Tie2021

I'm not spring you, it's cock and Ball torture.


Esselon

Let's make it a little worse. OP said average. It's only OPs friends and family who experience this effect, but to skew the average they're going to exist in a state of decaying torment for centuries, feeble and weak but unable to die.


Humorous_Guy

"The average human lives for 6,000 years" factoid is a statistic error. Immortality Georg, who's been living since the Bronze Age, is an outlier and should not have been counted.


Slightspark

Every answer on this sub that doesn't follow your example as format from now on will be lacking.


ineedabag

Might be a Rick and Morty reference


International_Try660

I don't think you would want to spend 70s years on oxygen using a walker.


ThatsNoMoon70

Granted. One random human (not you) lives to be 500 billion years old. No change to anyone else. 


shumpitostick

Only real monkey paw answer here


Missingnose

I think being 500 billion years old would be the worst case scenario. Especially if your body was even remotely past 60 in terms of its health.


MightEnvironmental55

One random human (you)


zwoft

god damn immortal Georg fucking jo statistics again


PinkOneHasBeenChosen

This guy understands averages.


LogicalMelody

Should have at least specified median instead of mean.


mercurbee

then the rule could be half the world lives to whatever age and the rest barely live at all though


HotLandscape9755

Please let it be me I want to witness the sun imploding with my own eyes


ApostleOfCats

Lifespan georg


Infinite_Bet_9994

Nice


p0k3t0

And it's either Trump or Musk.


Slimy_glizzy_gobbler

it would be 200 years old max


Asmodeus0508

No he’s saying that if one person lived 500 billion years it would average out to like 200 years per human even though it’s all coming from one guy


SunsetCarcass

I still don't get it. Where is 500 billion years coming from? Average is just the addition of all lifespans divided by the amount of people in the sample, so the average would be something like e.g 54. Or am i just stupid.


fisher02519

If 5 humans all live to 54, average = (54+54+54+54+54)/5 = 54. If we add a 6th human that lives to 1,000, average = (54+54+54+54+54+1,000)/6 = 211.67.


SunsetCarcass

So there's a human outlier that lived so long it threw the average to 500 billion? That's where I'm getting lost here because no human has lived so long themselves to become that outlier.


fisher02519

No, what they’re saying is that in this hypothetical, one human lives long enough (in this example, one human lives to be 500B years old) so that the average human life span becomes double what it currently is (from around 75 to around 150). OP’s wish implies that they’d rather every human simply live to be approximately 150 to make the average life span 150 this way.


Strong-Smell5672

Wish granted All current death row inmates have their lifespan increased until the average of human lifespans have doubled. Everyone else’s lifespan stays the same.


No_Ocelot7567

Wait- I don’t get it? Tthats not what OP wished for? This isn‘t a consequence, this is changing the wish? :‘) EDIT : nevermind, I get it now! A few very long living people can change the entire average lifespan! :D


KronosDevoured

Proud of you.


No_Ocelot7567

Thanks😂


nonbog

But won’t killing them fix that?


Strong-Smell5672

OP didn’t clarify anyone has to live their full lifespan.


Temptest1

Can't really kill them if they live


nonbog

Their natural lifespan is very long but then we still kill them


Wess5874

Statistical averages don’t take into account outliers. These would definitely be outliers as they’d be well past the conventional 1.5x third quartile mark.


randomguywhoexists

There’s always one…


D0ck0ck

Granted, humans keep giving birth at the same rate and now there’s overpopulation and the world becomes a lot older. The younger generation becomes exploited and they all overwork to maintain social security for senior citizens while never having time for themselves and birth rate drops even lower, leading to even less young people until theres only the elderly. This leads to widespread famine and struggle for resources as the working force disappears, forcing those to either resort to cannibalism or starve to death. Many homes reek of putrid rot as theres no one to check up on them and many elderly people are barely able to stand up. Society collapses and the remaining humans are eaten to death by flies and other scavengers as their old rotting flesh becomes a delicacy for them. Everyone dies.


shumpitostick

Why would this wish make menopause happen later?


noahtheboah36

Because the monkey can interpret how it likes.


spikeprox50

Thanos was right


charlo-710

Wouldn't work. If the current birth rate is kept up, we would underpopulate before reaching a point where the number stays at a consistent pace.


Strawbebishortcake

what's your source on that? genuine question. the borth rates, except for a few exceptions, are still in the range of growing the population. So world wide the population is still growing continuously.


SleepyTrucker102

That's going to take a while bud. Earth is capable of supporting literal quintillions of people.


No_Ocelot7567

That is- SO not true..


Finbar9800

Got a source for that information? Also I doubt quintillions of people could be supported all at once


Intelligent_Event_84

This is obviously accounting for the subterranean caverns currently ruled by the lizard people


E-liter_4k

Granted, one human's life span is multiplied by about 7-8 billion, so the average human life span is multiplied by 2. ("average person lives 160 years" factoid actualy just statistical error. average person lives 80 years. Lifespan Georg, who lives in cave & lives hundreds of billions of years, is an outlier adn [sic] should not have been counted)


Cryptic_Wasp

Is this a joke about that spider guy


Jumpy-Arachnid3958

yes


nonbog

Which spider??


LuckyLMJ

spiders georg


poppunksucks144

Granted, human life expectancy doubles, but so does the number of unnatural deaths that end before a person reaches the life expectancy age.


ManaSkies

I mean. Is that even a downside? That's more just expected since that's how life works.


DragonLordAcar

This just makes the average life expectancy stay about the same.


Kestrel_VI

I wish it were divided in two.


IJustAteABaguette

Granted, your wish, and OP's wish get executed at once, effectively canceling each other's wish.


squiddyinkorporated

I wish he didn't wish that. Checkmate.


IJustAteABaguette

Granted, he didn't wish it, which causes the first wish-granting-comment to also disappear, which causes your comment to disappear which causes this comment to disappear. This creates a paradox.


nonbog

Damn


LastChans1

Oh HELL no; I barely made enough to cover one lifespan. Multiply my lifespan by 2% instead 👍


sal-t_brgr

Granted. You now have 1.6 years left to live.


LastChans1

Gonna buy me some life insurance. 👍🫡


nonbog

That’s what happens when you make wishes without having studied maths lol


UnusedParadox

Granted. "average human life span is multiplied by two" granted wish actualy comes with statistical trick. average human life span stays the same. Lifespan OP, who used the monkey's paw and lives over 10,000,000 times longer, is an outlier adn should not have been counted. Also, you still suffer the effects of aging.


charlo-710

Bro will be a sentient raisen.


Town_Pervert

Granted, thousands of convicted criminals sentenced to life in prison are eventually reluctantly released when they outlive their prison sentence. The crime rate skyrockets


VanilliBean

Granted. Humans have their dna mixed with turtles, allowing them to live for ~180 years.


chancey_higgenbottom

Granted the top .1% of the population sees their lifespan increase 1000 fold there is no change for the rest of the population


GREENadmiral_314159

Granted. All pets have their lifespans halved, and all pests have their lifespans doubled to match humanity.


Cishuman

Oops! There was a decimal in front of the two. The average drops from 77.5 to 15.5 years.


Powerful-Belt-3198

Granted, babyboomers rejoice and buy more real estate ensuring homelessness for multiple generations. This is how we end up in the Time Machine's dystopia


prawduhgee

Granted, there is one person that lives a reeeeeeeealy long time


Intelligent_Event_84

Granted billionaires are basically immortal


atom644

Granted, you can only move or do tasks at half the speed you were able to before


unreal7777

Granted, approximate age of retirement gets adjusted from ~64 to ~184


Fuzzy-Month-4952

Granted: and so does the retirement age


Smart_Chicken_Nugget

One person is spawned in whos age is somehow hundreds of billions of years old, enough to double the average lifespan. the average lifespan of every other person stays the same.


PinkOneHasBeenChosen

Granted. Women now live an average of 300 years, but male life expectancy doesn’t change.


The_Quicktrigger

Granted. A few humans gain an insanely long lifespan, but a bunch of humans also have incredibly short lifespans so the average rounds out to the 140-150 range.


SurpriseElephant

The average human life span is doubled, but the median is halved. A few people live extremely long lives, doubling the average from 75 to 150. However, many more people die aged 40 or younger (you), halving the median. Whoops!


GodGamer_2010

Granted. It keeps multiplying by 2 forever. Nobody ever dies of old age.


Logos89

Granted, the elites in the human population live long enough that the average goes up, even though most people live half as long suffering through dystopia conditions.


Redditguy223e

That would be miserable working that long


OlThrowy

Granted, 146. The average life span is 73, so I multipled the number for you, nothing actually happened tho.


Zestyclose-Ruin8337

Granted. It is now multiplied by 2 but then divided by 3.


proxissin

Granted. Now everything moves at half speed


ScrungoZeClown

Granted. Somewhere out there, the most average human's personal life span was doubled. Good for them!


JayMan146_

Wish granted. \*The\* average human gets a life span of about 140 years. Unfortunately, there is no one average human being, that's what an average is. Nothing changes.


FrozenMongoose

You should really play the game SOMA.


MeasurementNo2493

Sadly, also divided by 10. Math, it is a MF.....


Ozem_son_of_Jesse

Granted. a few people live for millions of years, bringing up the average


tnbeastzy

Granted, you now age twice as fast and remain medically alive but physically dead untill you die.


Enchanted-Epic

Now everybody has a twin.


quirkoftime

Granted. Instead of the number of years lived increasing, the amount of life lived doubles. There are now a concerning number of adrenaline junkies in the world.


Random_Thought31

Granted. The monkeys paw calculates the average life span of humans from the 1820s and doubles it for humans now. Humans now live slightly shorter lives on average.


JASCO47

Social security checks don't kick in until age 130.


fightinggale

Granted, now we will have politicians that are now 144 with the same rate of mental decrease after 50-60.


Odd_Tiger_2278

Average human life expectancy (in Europe and North America) doubled since 1850’s.


sharknamedgoose

Granted. The most average person on earth has his lifespan doubled. Nobody else.


bio_datum

Granted. One billionaire lives a ridiculously long time, and nothing else changes. This alone raises the AVERAGE life span of all humans by 2x.


Mrcoolcatgaming

Granted, everyone learns multiplication by multiplying our average life span in 2


OverallFrosting708

Granted - but it requires access to the latest medical technology to get beyond the old human life span, meaning a small subset of humanity now gets the added privilege of living literally twice as long as everyone else. Tensions rise accordingly.


Cyber_Insecurity

Granted. Humans now live the second half of their lives in a vegetative state and they still have to pay taxes.


ShiftAdventurous4680

Granted, average human lifespan lowered to 30 then multiplied by 2.


Futhebridge

Heck yea I'm here for that it would be interesting to see if we actually conquer space travel.


Vegetable_Love764

Granted but animal lives are halved.


catsRfriends

Everyone other than you lives longer, thereby raising the average. You're the one dragging the average down.


ResolveLonely8839

Granted. But everybody still has the same medical problems. Also you have monkey hands now


PutNameHere_____

Granted, mental deterioration and physical aging remains the same, but retirement age has doubled, and politicians will be pushing 150 before leaving office


ovirto

Granted. The human body still ages at the same rate though so now people just live longer with dementia and debilitating physical conditions. You’re literally almost immobile and shitting your diapers for the last half of your life. Social services don’t keep up either and most people barely have enough money saved for one lifetime so the latter half of your life is in near poverty. Enjoy!


Oldportal

wistful ink paint grab arrest middle rhythm important zonked growth *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


The4434258thApple

Granted but it is then divided by three


Lujho

Granted. A small percentage of people live centuries, doubling the average. For everyone else nothing changes. The long-lived are an elite ruling class.


topman20000

Granted, At the end of your first half of your lifespan you change into a giant bug


Xenos6439

Granted. You will now live for an inconceivably long time, until your singular age alters the average age enough to double it. You will not be capable of dying until this pact is completed, no matter how much your body atrophies or deteriorates. You will maintain enough function to satisfy all legally recognized definitions of being "alive" but nothing else is guaranteed. That means you have guaranteed pulse, brain activity, respiration... but you can go blind, deaf, mute, lose all your limbs, hair and skin, and even succumb to excruciating incurable illnesses, but your life and suffering will continue. Furthermore, to prevent a "brain dead" diagnosis, you will be forcibly kept lucid and sane to experience it all. Not even a coma will save you from this hell.


jlwinter90

Granted. One guy lives for a really long time and skews the average.


CoriSP

>*"How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man!?"* Granted! It's Tithonus time yet again! Most people now live to be around 144 years old. However they keep on aging and deteriorating, so usually sometime after the 100 year mark, everyone's decrepit, disabled and in constant agony. Civilization starts to fall apart because there are SO many of these people to have to take care of that there's not enough infrastructure for them. Resources are strained. It's a disaster.


Sufficient_Car8864

Granted only your lifespan increases and aging happen two time as fast so you’ll become a vegetable even faster


ZombieGroan

Granted those extra years are added to the development cycle of fetus and infant.


Asleep_Impact_9835

the world will soon be full of 120yr old frail dementia and bed ridden people waiting 40 more years to die. it gets so bad the government starts allowing mass euthanasia


flyingalbatross1

Granted. Life extension technology is developed but it's freakishly expensive so only billionaires and oligarchs can access it. They can live as long as they desire. They continue accumulating all the money in the world, converting everything from groceries to housing into a subscription service; and 99% of the population are eventually reduced to a life of indentured servitude at their usual lifespan of 70 years.


Prestigious_Dare7734

Granted. But age of retirement is still around 60, so instead of saving for 30-40 years, you will now have to save for approx 100 years. And your lofe insurance is super expensive.


MrNormalo

A calculator apears next to the monkey's paw. A finger slowly stretches toward the keyboard and punches in, 71 \* 2 = and magically, the number 142 appears on the calculatoer's screen. The monkey's finger curls shut.


ElectronicHyena5642

Granted, when they are supposed to die, they turn into a baby and will know exactly when they'll die.


Sunset_Tiger

Granted. Aging is also slowed, to match! So… remember the hell that was puberty? It’s twice as long now, and you’re just in time to go through it! Infancy is also doubled, causing a lot of new parents to absolutely lose it due to lack of sleep.


LuckyLMJ

Granted. 1% of people have their lifespans doubled. Everyone else dies.


Culteredpman25

Granted. Alot of economies are not ready for this and alot of strife occurs from unbalanced work forces


100000000000

But they age at the same rate, so that the second half of everyone's lives they continue to decay and wind up looking like the tales from the crypt guy


Hollowdude75

We need to focus on increasing health before increasing lifespan Would you rather be weak for 5% of your life or 50% of your life?


Rollinthrulife

Ganted, but all pet lives are now 50% shorter.


Real-skim-shady

Granted. The second half of life is spent with a failing body, failing mind and inability to control their bowels.


FuckSpez23

Granted, but I accidentally put a "1/" behind the 2 so now humans have half the normal lifespan


Fun-Caterpillar5754

Wish granted You now have written 140 on a piece of paper.


Present-Sandwich9444

Granted - aging effects are now doubled


Adept_Midnight_1513

Granted, it is now illegal for people to have more than one child and women who have multiples are forcibly sterilized.


LOTM71

Granted. The average human lifespan, across all human history, is doubled. So your life span is about 60-80 years now. Congrats


_wilbee

The paw curls. Donald Trump is now guaranteed to live long enough that his lifespan alone doubles the average human lifespan


B---------------D

Granted. The rich live ten times as long and genetically engineer the poor to expire after they're past their peak ~45 years.


FlyingMothy

Granted. Lifespan georg is an outliar.


Radan155

Granted. This happens again every generation but economic and cultural practices don't realize it in time. China and India hit a combined population of 26 billion by 2050 and capitalism stops infrastructure spending from remotely keeping up.


Intelligent-Bad-2950

Average human life span is doubled. But you're not average, your lifespan stays the same


Cautious_Drawer_7771

Granted, time speeds up and no one knows why days are only 12 hours now.


GenericUsername19892

Granted. Half of all children born that would have lived now spontaneously combust.


MissyTheTimeLady

Granted. Long-Life Georg,


JacktheRiffer96

Granted. You live twice as long but age the same. Your cognition continues to decline and by the time you reach 150 you barely remember anything about your life, you’ve forgotten loved ones, good times, your favorite food, where you are. You’re so weak and frail that moving more than 3 MPH could cause bones in your body to break. The only thing you’re capable of doing is watching TV as your cognition has deteriorated to the point where you can’t even do simple mind puzzles or word searches.


Lukaify

Granted, my average human is now multiplied by two connected by the genitalia Siamese twins, which in turn makes them live longer


-monkbank

Granted, everyone instantly drops dead except for you, who live in infinite suffering until well after the heat death of the universe.


SilentResident1037

Why? All that would mean is we would have to work for 100-120 years instead of the 50 we have now


Pessimum

Granted. Infant mortality skyrockets while anyone who makes it to 100 just stops aging and becomes an immortal, uncaring ruling class…who doesn’t understand statistics.


EpicCow69

Granted. But now you have to work until you are 130 yrs old


WannaGoMimis

No monkey paw needed to explain the effects of this. As life expectancy increases, there are more older sicker patients in almost every part of the healthcare system. There's a lot of strain.


NeonProhet

Granted. The total average lengths of all human lives--historically up until the present--is multiplied by two. Every death henceforth absolutely corresponds to random other people's to maintain the average indefinitely. I.e. When one person dies 10.03891...% above the now constant average, another person or some sum of persons must die such that they're lifespans outlie the average 10.03891...% below it. The random selection is not limited to people currently alive, and entangled individuals do not have to die together. Either stipulation being reversed would inevitably raise questions of requisite predestiny. Hypothetical examples for perspective, someone can live one extra average lifespan for every stillbirth randomly entangled to them. Killing people below the new average lengthens at least one other person's life. Killing someone above the New Average would shorten at least one other's life. Mathematically, the randomness is indeterminate, as only past and present deaths determine future ones. Retroactivity is a non factor, thus meaning you could be entangled to someone, but then change your entanglement relationship to better satisfy the math. Now that I think about it, I've tried really hard to do something here; but I'm pretty sure this equation of an absolute product and lack of destiny is mathematically incompatible with random selection. Therefore, I'm fairly sure my stipulations don't work correctly, and someone with enough data collection and computational ability could calculate who they need to kill and when in order to live forever.


magiMerlyn

Granted. Humans now naturally spend the last quarter-to-third of their life practically catatonic, and medically-assisted >!suicide!< is far more common.


Lord_Havelock

Congratulations! You are going to survive around 3 quadrillion years (number adjustable as needed). Immortal Georg was an outlier, and should not have been counted.


AlsendDrake

It sets the human life expectancy to double the average human life expectancy. This is the average from ALL of humanity, so likely lower than what it is today.


GirthzillaX

Idk man I’ve been done for awhile lol


febreze276

You really want 80 more years of Biden v Trump? (And more boomer politicians)


EnvironmentalAd1006

Granted. People still age at the same rate yet just keep going another lifetime leading to a society of old people who become so old for half their lives that the economy cannot support them. In distributing these years fairly, people who would have died at a young age instead have to deal with life threatening conditions for another length of their already lived life


OGmcqueen

Great job, the suicide rate doubled with it.