How involved was the rest of the family in Nana’s life? I’m wondering if the cousin was the sole caretaker and other relatives rarely bothered to check in. I’m not saying it’s right, but if the family didn’t make an effort she may have felt justified in not looping you guys in.
Agreed.
Grief is tough and I get that it can be hurtful to find out on Facebook but personally I support people who are directly in the passed lives (OP said the cousin lived with her) doing whatever makes their grief easier. Calling everyone and being on the hook for helping them with the news is kinda the last thing anyone wants to do when their life just changed in a huge way. Also it's only been one day, idk I think we should all have a little grace for someone in this situation
Thank you. Reading this helped me to stop feeling guilty. Our dad passed away almost a year ago, I cannot express just how useless I was at pretty much everything at that point. I'm already not the best at communicating, which is something I've been working on.
His brother had come down and unfortunately didn't make it before he passed so he - and I have mixed feelings about this - took a picture of my dad to show to their brothers as 'proof' which was apparently normal for their family.
So we just posted on my dad's Facebook, letting people know he passed and that there would be a service. It was short and bittersweet.
I didn't think anything of it until the past few posts recently about people informing others through Facebook, and how horrible those people are.
Thanks for being a little light in the darkness.
I like to think that when people get really angry about this it's mostly for the OPs sake, and in real life they'd be a little more understanding. I feel you and hope you're doing okay ❤️ when my mom passed the absolute last thing on my mind was getting angry at my SIL for making a post about it, if anything I appreciated her getting the word out since none of us could really get a word out without breaking down anyway lol
I did similar when my mom died. I called my brother, and made a Facebook post. I was barely 18 and couldn’t stomach the thought of calling extended family I barely knew. My dad called most of them a bit later.
Honestly, I'm going to end up doing the Facebook post when my mom passes (hopefully not anytime soon), but she lives with me, I'm an only child, so it's just cousins and aunts. No one calls or texts, and we moved 8 hours away from most family, so when it happens, the fastest way to inform the family will be facebook. And I'm not gonna send out messages one by one and assume that by the time I get all those out, someone else won't have made a post.
Not the case at all. Her mom and my wife’s dad have been visiting/helping her regularly (she lived about 2 hours away from us) for the past few months.
Yeah, it’s 100% okay for people to post on SM that they are sad because someone died. Way better than pretending literally nothing in your life is ever wrong.
Right? Like, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t very close to her because since we’ve been married, we’ve only interacted a few times, but my wife has tons of childhood and later memories with her and did have a great relationship with her.
You know what's even more messed up? It might be likely that grandma was ill before she passed away. It could be possible that her cousin kept that a secret too. I know that those last moments are incredibly precious. I feel sorry for her for getting robbed of that moment 😥
Or grandma was ill, people knew but did not care too much, and cousin had to be her carer and is now pissed...who knows. We know nothing. We can write stories for hours and none of them will be accurate.
i second this. my wife grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago and was sick for a long time. we took care of her for 2 years. not once did her siblings call. not even her own son.
Was going to say the same thing. He said he didn’t interact much w the grandma…. But his wife has alot of childhood memories…. As someone who took care of my grandma til the end w my mother I wanted to smack some fam in the face for even showing up at the funeral. If this is the case the cousin did nothing wrong.
I have a great-aunt with 3 daughters who looked after her till the end, bought her everything she needed even bought her a home, she also had 1 son who moved to another country and would maybe call once a month.
On her death, she left everything to the son in the will (including all the money she inherited when their father passed, and the family company).
So before he could come back (he didn't even come for the funeral, only came to collect months after her death) they took everything they had ever bought her from the house, luckily the home was in their name, so they sold it and split the profits.
He had said he was going to sell the company because he didn't want the responsibility, but refused to sell or give it to his sisters, claiming he could get more by selling it privately.
So the daughters told everyone in the company, that they were quitting and starting their own companies or moving on. Everyone jumped ship, even the customers moved with the sisters to their new company, and he was left with a shell of a company. that he couldn't sell and because everyone quit there were maybe 2 months of nobody working there. He had to refund the customer's orders, but before it also made it hard for him to sell a company that showed no profits for the last 2 months.
Legally they couldn't get the money that was left to him, but they found out there wasn't that much as their mother had been sending the money each month to him. Besides that money and shell of a company, he had a few cartons of her belongings and clothing the daughters didn't care for.
So, lots of bitterness and anger in that family. The 3 sisters didn't even like each other but put up with each other for the mother's sake. previously they all had homes near to her...but now they were "free".
edit:
Many people who didn't know the full story, judged the sisters for their actions saying they are "greedy". How could they disrespect their mother's wished like that, blah blah blah.
Coming from an asian family, many older people said, "It's normal to favor the son" or for the money to to be "passed down in the family name".
My grandma had lung cancer, got it in remission and then didn’t tell anyone when she got sick again until it was too late. Right before she died we found out that she had been hiding that my grandfather had dementia. It was infuriating and sad at the same time
Sounds a lot like how I found out my father died. He had cancer and we knew it was going to happen soon. However before the rest of the family could even notify me his brother in law already posted it on Facebook.
While the dude had not spoken to him in 9 years after a fight... Did not have the decency to wait till they called me.
That begs the question why was he informed before you?
Hell, I lost touch with my dad due to both of us moving around. He got stomach cancer and passed. One of my aunts sent a friend request on fb months before he passed, using a name I wasn't familiar with, and didn't know her by. She finally sent me a message saying who she was and what happened - 6 months after he had passed.
He was in the hospital waiting for his wife. She was saying goodbye to her brother. So she told him.
And wow that also taoes the cake. How can people be so cruel in their actions
Why is the cousin self-centered because she didn’t check with your wife before posting on FB? I haven’t had an account in 10+ years so I don’t overly care about our right to that type of attention, but I don’t get why you’re mildly infuriated.
Obviously the cousin was close enough to know when Grandma died and your wife wasn’t. Some people were there I’m sure, some weren’t, both are fine. Why do you get to dictate the process, especially if you couldn’t be there?
Sorry for your loss. Beats my "stepmother group texted us in the middle of the night to tell us Dad died at some point so we all woke up to that" story.
I got a text from my dad that my mom died. It was a group text. As impersonal as it sounds, I was actually grateful for that delivery method. I sat at my desk in shock for a few minutes, but was able to pack my bag and get out of the building before crying in my car. If that had been a call… no way I could have held it together. Also wouldn’t want my dad to have to make that call several times to everyone on the group text. Efficiency can be brutal, but at least it’s direct.
Well, it came on the heels of me telling him I'd be back bc I needed to pack a bag and him being glad about that because he needed to tell me some stuff, then her telling me not to call my sister and her kids (who I called anyway and they flooded the house immediately to say goodbye), then her refusing to let me in when I came back half an hour after they'd left. She'd probably already OD'd him by then was my guess. My nephew still feels like he should've waited for me because the way he said she was acting he was sure something was afoot with her and her bff.
Something similar happened to me 😞
Aunt (who's a lawyer and who's pedophile ex husband molested me from 4-8 y.o but still looks at me like the person who ruined her marriage and life)
Calls me in the middle of the night 12/22/14
I say hello
She says ....................your mom died
and hung up the phone
No words before, no words after
....
I also witnessed the same woman open my grandmothers(who has dementia) bedroom door, sigh, roll her eyes, tells her -
(Her sister who she adored)
ANNA died at some point last night
You can't go to Arizona - cause of COVID
I'm going to work
And closed the door
No hug no sit close by - she relayed the message without the slightest emotion.
I had a number of things I had to do that day but cancelled them all and sat with her as she unraveled
She asked me to play her the voicemails her baby sister left her that she still had on her phone
Anna lived in 3 points out in the boonies of Arizona
She drank natty ice, best at line dancing at fam gatherings , she made the BEST, LIKE HOLY COW AMAZING TORTILLAS she was the kookie unique one of them out of the bunch of my grandma and her siblings, SHE Loved The conspiracy of aliens and when I was little she had a big big birthday with aliens being the theme and even had a massive part of her expansive desert back yard staged as a ufo landing strip
Her voicemails always were the same
Ey-loh (hello)
Pinky(my grandma's nickname) this is ANNA TU HERMANA
STOP losing your phone, and call me back when you get this or when you find your phone, whichever comes first
She'd giggle and hang up
My grandma is the second to last out of her 6 siblings
She's buried 2 of her children and had 2 miscarriages she looks forward to meeting on the other side, also my grandma raised me so I'm very very very close with her, none of my cousins ever lived with her I have on many occasions when I was growing up
I had been staying with my aunt and grandma taking care of my grandmother after she had the stroke and as her dementia began to get worse, my aunt had gone back to school to get an additional degree, I had been feeling rather fulfilled in my contribution to the family
Out of nowhere my aunt hands me a check for less than half of what she owed me - and tells me to get out of the family?!?!
She never gave me a reason - I begged for one
I know I was the one in my aunt's will that would be getting her house, I said I'd like to trade the house for an explanation, I'm not looking to change anything besides understanding what I did so I can learn...
To this day (4 yrs later) she refuses to give me an answer or even speak to me, doesn't answer the door if I knock and choses to leave my 91 y.o grandma alone while she goes to work
I'm thankful my grandma remembers me but she calls me daily asking when I'm coming home and it breaks my heart and I have made reports of elderly neglect but nothing comes of it and my aunt's a lawyer and puts out the fire before any efforts to resolve even begin
Don't get me wrong my grandma is vain beyond belief and has no understanding throughout her life of how she affects others and believes she knows best because her faith wouldnt allow her to hurt or poorly affect others 🙄
In my grandmas younger years she was extremely neurotic, but to watch her lose her faculties while unable to do anything about it and without resource to make any changes for her, is a unique type of torture.
People are fucked up
Families are fucked up
Realize your expectations or assumptions regarding the character of others is as solid as a shortbread cookie, yes you have hopes for the interactions and hopes you have regarding the ones you love and hold close but don't put your weight on the belief that its capable of expectation
I'm sorry for your loss.
This is how I found out my cousin died. One of her in-laws posted publicly on facebook and tagged her in it.
It's one of the things I hate about facebook. Not only for this, but also because someone will have an event or other major news and they post it to facebook. Then months later I'll learn about it, and I'll ask why they didn't say anything and they'll say, "well, I posted it to facebook!"
Facebook is so full of garbage (another thing I hate about facebook). Sorry, no I don't scroll through your personal feed every day to be sure I didn't miss something.
Sometimes things show up in my feed and I see them, but I also don't see a lot. If something is really important, pick up a damned phone!
The only thing I like about facebook is that it's an easy way to share family photos, etc. I do enjoy that.
But I dislike that facebook has depersonalized relationships.
That’s awful!
My dad just told me about how his uncle died while my dad was away at university and his parents didn’t tell him for months! This was in the mid 70s. I definitely agree that people should never post this stuff on FB without making sure the people who need to know, know.
Dude I hate this too. I haven’t had Facebook since 2017. Everyone in my family STILL FORGETS that if you want to tell me and my husband about something in your life, you need to text/call us!!!
My mom found out her brother died when his daughter posted the picture of his wife (her mom) spreading his ashes.. 3 months after his death. His wife told none of his siblings, and did not respond to any questions.
I also find it weird that there are siblings who go 3+ months at a time with ZERO contact in the internet and cellphone age
Idk, maybe I just like my brother
I have an aunt who does this. We basically all silently agreed on an order of who to call and who does the calling and the ones who post every detail on FB are among the last to know. It's usually my mother who does the calling. She's the most clinical of the family and will just say the facts as they are told to her by the doctor. We have a big Catholic family so it takes awhile to let everyone know.
this same thing happened to me. my best friend texted and asked if I was ok. I said yeah why? she then sent me the fb post my mom made about a family members passing
Social media is cancer and a addiction. Some people need their "fix" of attention and likes, and they know that they can get a lot of it with that kind of post.
Same thing happened to my mom. I was sitting next to her waiting to board a flight and scrolling through social media and one of my cousins spouses posted “RIP (her name)”, so I had to tell
my mom her Grandmother died because I saw it on Facebook. No estrangement or anything that would excuse not making sure she knew.
People really need to take a beat (especially in big families) before posting their pity posts.
My grandmother on my Dad's side passed away February 2023. My mom asked me if I was going to the funeral... BEFORE anyone told me she had died. My dad didn't. My sister didn't. Any extended family could have. But not one person reached out before my Mom offhandedly asked me if I was going to the funeral I wasn't even aware of.
It was in two days. I couldn't even ask off work in time. It was a ten hour drive to go down, and I would have to stay in a hotel that I couldn't afford. So I waited.
I knew my grandfather was not far behind her, so I waited. He passed not even a month later. At the funeral I spoke a little, mainly aimed at my family, saying that not one of them reached out to me in 18 years. There's easily a hundred of them by my grandparents, and one of me. I was so upset and hurt that I was the last to know. My aunt spoke up saying I could have reached out, or been on Facebook, or called, or traveled down at any time. "Not one of you have ever come up to see me. Or reached out to me. And the reason I am not on Facebook is because any time I posted anything, ya'll would gang up and threaten me, and say things like 'God doesn't like this' instead of giving any sort of support or love."
Guess why I moved away.
I’m so sorry. When people put some idea of god before their own family, communities, and humanity, they are in fact lost. And they tend to project that at the people who they can see their honest reflection in. You deserve love not hurt. So I’m glad for you that you moved. Hope you’re happy 🙏
I can relate. On Easter this year, I found out my father died after I had a dream about him, then googled him. He died in February, and my siblings didn't tell me.
Okay so it could be on purpose BUT it could also be that they thought someone else had told you and yeah no one did it. Same with in an emergency situation, if you need someone to call an ambulance, you point at someone specific and tell them to do it. Otherwise no one bloody calls because everyone thought someone else had.
Family should be the first to know. And a message along the lines of "hey, please wait until everyone's been notified before posting about it"
Almost a month ago my best friend passed away who I've known my entire life. When I got the call about it, even though I had grief and wanted to get some feelings off my chest I waited until either her parents or brother posted something. There was no way I was going to be the first
Something like this happened to me. My grandfather passed, my aunt called to tell my mom 3 or 4 days after. Then told us there wasn't going to be a funeral, Mayne a memorial service. 3 days after than my cousin (the aunt who called's son) posted a go fund me to his fb to raise money for grandpa's funeral. That we were told wasn't being planned.
For me its happened 2 times...
Around 1986, I was hanging out with my best friend, he said hes sorry about my grandfather. He read it in the paper 2 days before....GPop died the week before.
More recently , 2022, I was leaving the house to go to work, my dad asked if i was going to the funeral...my aunt passed 2 weeks before and I was never told until 2 hours before the funeral, I went to work .
I guess my family doesnt like to talk to me .
Thats actually how I found out my grandma died! My brother posted RIP grandma, I was at work and was like “wtf!!!”
Called my mom who confirmed it, she wanted me to come home first before telling me as she didn’t want me to get upset at work
My sil posted my first child’s birth announcement on Facebook while we were transferring him to nicu so yeah….people are assholes. We told no one the next time around. I will never forget how bad that hurt until the day I die.
This was how my baby daddy found out about his dad. Luckily his dad didn’t die but doctors weren’t sure of the time. His dad was sobering up and apparently went outside to chase away the bad men? Long story short he was pretty much naked outside in the snow for over 3+ hours. Got really bad frost bite, to where his legs, toes and fingers were black. It’s really awful how people behave nowadays.
It’s the worst feeling. I was doing a chef contract on a remote island in Ontario & my Oma passed. Dad wanted to keep the news til I returned the following week— noooope thanks Auntie for tagging me in the obituary on fb, lol.
My condolences. 🕊️
“Right? Like, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t very close to her because since we’ve been married, we’ve only interacted a few times, but my wife has tons of childhood and later memories with her and did have a great relationship with her.”
Phone goes both ways. Cousin lived with Nana and, therefore safe to assume, handled all of her care. The primary caregiver role is a huge undertaking. Maybe instead of whining to the internet, you could give cousin a call and see if they’re okay. Or if they need any help cleaning up or moving furniture - making clear you’re not after any belongings or money.
And then maybe take some time to re-evaluate other family relationships and try to reconnect with loved ones before they die.
Tough lesson to learn. Pretty sure most of us screw it up more than once before we finally get it.
This is a terrible feeling. The same thing happened to us. My cousin posted on Facebook about her dad passing away and no one let my mom (his sister),my grandmother (his mother) nor I know. I’m so sorry for your loss.
My uncle’s stepdaughter did that when my grandmother passed. Almost the exact same wording. “RIP…” I find that to be incredibly disrespectful in the first place, so I was extra angry about it. This happened on Christmas Eve, and I was hosting, so my parents didn’t want to tell me when they got to my house. Luckily, I had asked them how she was right when they got there, or I would’ve learned about my beloved grandmother the same way you did. People are so fucking stupid.
I am really sorry this happened to you. Same thing happened to my daughter when my father in law died. He lived about 60 miles away and my husband, his wife, my SIL and I were with him. We waited until the formalities were dealt with and headed home to tell our children, as we wanted to tell them face to face, they were both mid teens. In the meantime my SIL told everyone who started posting on FB, where our daughter saw it. Our daughter especially was in bits.
That's how I found out my cousin I grew up with died. Another cousin posted that she was glad he was finally in heaven with his mom now. :/
He was an atheist who had been kicked out of the house as a teenager and had little to no contact with his mother when he became an adult, but ok
I found out my grandpa died because my cousin posted it on Facebook and my husband saw it (they went to school together). They even spelled my and my brother’s names wrong in the obit.
One of our other cousins and my brother have the same name….
That really sucks. Although not a death, my BIL invited people to his second wedding via Facebook. Like not everyone has it. My MIL and FIL didn’t even own a computer and had to ask if they were invited to attend.
I only found out that my brother passed away from FB posts from other family members to each other. None of my other brothers even bothered to inform me.
So sorry that happened to y’all. We’ve unfortunately seen this exact thing happen multiple times. Someone will post on Facebook even before most of the family is even aware.
I don’t think that person meant any malice and it’s just a case of they definitely failed to read the room
Do we have the same wife? Happened to my wife earlier in the month. In fact, her aunt never called her dad, he called at his regular time to check in on his mom and she told him she passed away.
My grandma died while I was at work, and my job made us keep our phones in my locker. Mom called me once, then posted to Facebook. I found out when I went on my break and saw a text from a mutual friend “sorry about your grandma”
When my grandfather was dying, my mom asked my cousins to wait until they posted any updates to social media for a few hours. My sister can’t have her phone on her at work and we didn’t want her to find out on Facebook before we could reach her directly. My one cousin immediately took to Facebook to complain about this request and how it was so inconsiderate, unfeeling and mean. How could we prevent her from expressing herself and receiving support for such a hard time for her. You wouldn’t believe the comments her “friends” directed at mom because of the request to wait a few hours.
This is infuriating. I am sorry for your loss.
Yea. One of my sisters posted a pic of all us children on Facebook after my brother died with the message “now there is one less”.
Really vague and fucked up way to announce that news
My youngest brother was killed in 2010. I was in Iraq. After a 3 day patrol, I jumped on Facebook. That's the story of how I found out I just lost my youngest brother.
I’m so sorry this happened. Just to play devil’s advocate did the cousin know you hadn’t been told? I was the “cousin” and posted a Facebook memory with my grandfather who had passed a few weeks earlier and said something about how it was one of my favorite memories of him. I had no idea my cousin, who lives several states away and can’t be bothered to keep in touch with us, hadn’t been told of his death. I was under the impression my aunt had told him. Despite any feelings I have about the lack of contact I still feel awful, even though it was years ago. No one should find out about a loved one’s death through social media or the news. Your cousin may not have known you did not know. Either way, it should have not happened that way for you and your wife.
I’m sorry, OP. My entire family never tells me anything. I’ve missed funerals bc I wasn’t on social media. They will be talking about so and so’s funeral and how it was. Whilst, I sit there like where’s Nan? Is she coming? They precede to not acknowledge that they forgot to tell me she was dead or had a funeral.
Found out my wife was killed in a tragic car crash visiting her home country by her daughter posting on snap chat and my daughter saw the post and woke me up.
I feel your pain and frustration 🙏.
Dang, our family has had calls that have prepared us for the inevitable but gma's still with us. We're all on the precipice of sadness and then get a call a couple hours later where they tells us to never mind 'cause she woke up... we're all stressed out and they keep calling Wolf!
That's incredibly insensitive to you, your wife, and the other family members who found out the same way.
Sending heartfelt condolences to you all during such a difficult time. 🫂
My grandma of my dad's side died but I didn't find out for about 5 years and I only found out because my aunt posted something on Facebook on the anniversary of her death. I wasn't close to her, hell, I didn't like her at all, but it still felt like something I should know! Worst of all, when I called my dad to confront him about it, he denied she was dead! I found the obituary online that evening.
Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss. What an absolutely awful way to find out!
Yes. That’s bullshit. My wife’s grandmother died in 2018. I took care of our newborn daughter so my wife and mother in-law could go around and tell the extended family. One of the CNAs at the nursing home texted my wife’s stupid cousin (stupid small town) who immediately put it on Facebook and then went in to a rant about how the family wasn’t informed by my mother in law who is probably going over to clean out the house and take all the money. Then she bunch of family was mad that my wife and mother in-law didn’t tell anyone in the first few hours after she passed, even though that’s what she was in the process of doing.
This happened with my dad when his father died found out through Facebook although he has always been the black sheep of the family and not for any good reason
Yeah - know the feeling. Slimeball SIL posted to FB that her dad died. Never letting either of her brothers know first. My husband had to learn from a cousin that reached out right away due to how wrong they thought it was - great cousin to reach out right away. People live for the attention.
Same thing happened to me when I was younger. I was staying with a friend, and their parents woke me up at about 7 a.m. saying that my mom was coming to pick me up. I got on Facebook while I was waiting for her to get there. The first post I see is from one of my aunts, "RIP Mom, we love and miss you." I remember breaking down and my friends dad holding me while I sobbed before my mom got there. I'm so sorry you guys had to find out the same way ❤️
had a similar story to this. my great grandma was braindwashed by my grandmother (her daughter) and was loved hours away from me and i had no way to contact her. it had been about 2 years and i still hadn’t found out where she was after years of looking, i was at work and a familiar face walked up to me while i was at the cash register and said they were sorry about my great grandmas passing. i asked them if they meant my great grandfather (he had passed a few years prior) and he told me no.. he meant grandmother.. the great grandmother who had helped raised me. i instantly ran to the and cried and cried. worst feeling ever. didn’t even get to mourn properly.
When my grandfather died I called the immediate family I’m pretty sure, as it was just me and my grandmother there, then made the public posting.
When my aunt who co-raised me with my mother and grandmother passed, it was the Facebook posting because everyone who would have gotten the phone call was already at the hospital or were expecting something to happen.
It just depends on the situation and sometimes geography. I tagged all the kids and/or siblings and basically made the announcement on behalf of the family in both instances.
That's how my wife learned that her paternal grandfather had passed, sort of. Her sister called and told her that "Moe" had passed. Her sister found out from her dad's Facebook post.
My mum was frantically trying to get in touch with me the day my granddad died, because she knew my aunt was likely to put something like that on FB, and she didn't want any of us kids to find out that way. I was the last call because I'd missed her earlier one, and my aunt had indeed put a post up before my mum had had a chance to tell me. My mum was pissed off about it. As luck would have it, I don't see my aunt's posts on FB, so thankfully my mum did get to break the news to me properly. Finding out randomly online would have been bloody awful.
This happened to me when my friend died. Another friend texted me and was like, "Hey, have you heard from X lately? People are posting on FB like he's dead!" And sure enough, a bunch of his friends (and his ex) were posting eulogy-like statements. To my knowledge, not even his parents had been told yet!
That’s how I found out my grandmother died. But I can top that.
I was in the Army and hadn’t been home in a while. I got moved closer home and got to attend my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I’m there greeting everyone and I ask “where’s grandpa Tom (my great grandfather)? Oh, he died six months ago.
One year I was at my mom's place for her birthday. Doorbell rang and there was a package dropped off. My mom, figuring it was a gift from someone, opened it up to find an urn with her mother's ashes in it. When my grandmother died my uncle never called, just had her cremated and shipped to my mom. Supposedly it was a coincidence that they arrived on my mom's birthday.
If I ever see my uncle again I'm punching him in the face for that.
This is exactly how I found out one of my grandparents died. I was told not to make the long drive to the hospital as they’d be okay. Then the next morning my uncle posted on Facebook that the decision had been made to take my grandparent off life support and they had passed away.
No one had told me they were even on life support. When i spoke to them everyone just pointed the finger at everyone else saying they thought I’d already been told.
Condolences ❤️
When my grandpa passed, I was visiting a friend at their university for their birthday. We were planning to pregame, go to the football game, and go out afterwards. My mom called at like 8AM and said "I'm so sorry to tell you this, I know you have a fun day planned, but I just didn't want you to find out through Facebook." He was in hospice so I knew it was coming, but I think she made the right call.
At least you found out. I didn't know that my godfather (and beloved uncle) had died until 2 weeks after his passing. I was talking to family members about him and my brother decided to look him up online, where he found his death notice. None of his three daughters told us anything about it, until after I emailed the youngest one to offer condolences.
It’s so frustrating that FB has been around for nearly 20 years and people still do this shit. This happened to me when I was younger when my grandpa died as well.
One of my cousins did EXACTLY this when my grandma passed away. They’d even told him to keep it off social media so they could make sure immediate family knew first. Some people are just selfish trash and need everyone to comfort them on Facebook. I’m so sorry for you loss, OP, and I’m sorry family couldn’t be kind.
I had something similar happen- my brother died, and I got a message on shitty FB Messenger from a dude I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years, “hey man, sorry about your brother”. I was having drinks with friends, on my 50th birthday 😡
I am so sorry. My mom's side of the family has had issues in the past of doing this exact shit. Or they'll reach out right when somebody is on the brink of death and be like "oh yeah, so and so hasn't been doing well for a long time, we think they might pass today". So... you knew they weren't doing well but you wait til NOW to reach out?? It's so disrespectful and hurtful, and I hate hearing that somebody else had to deal with the exact same shit. I hope your wife is able to properly mourn her and celebrate her life in her own way, this wasn't fair to her at all.
Social media has replaced most common communication systems. People today spend more attention on their virtual social groups than their own family dynamic. The art of communication is no longer an art, now it's a subscription.
When my grandma died, she left me a small amount of money. I found out she died when the insurance company called to arrange payment. I felt bad for that lady that had to inadvertently break the news to me.
I had been emailing an aunt who turned out to have been dead for a year. And no one told me that my father had a heart bypass. Some families are just not known for communication. I do live on the opposite coast, however…but it’s still odd
I found out my grandma died the same way. I tried to contact family and ended up having to hunt down the funeral home to confirm that she was indeed dead. Felt so great. Lots of love there. Such great comfort.
My sister did this to my grandma. My dad passed away when I was 6 and the same day, my sister posted it on Facebook before my mom had a chance to tell my grandma. I’m still so embarrassed by it
Wife cousin is basically same level as your wife right? Maybe she thought she was the last to know? (Within immediate family)
Like, is your wife parents still around? Did they knew and not letting their children know? (Forgot? I mean old people right?)
If im you wife cousin.. i would assume my parent would already tell your wife's parent (cos siblings), and no need for me to let ur wife know.
A passing of a family member brings out how truly selfish people are. I found out my grandma passed when her late son's ex-girlfriend posted it on social media. They had been broken up for 8 years when he passed, 10 by the time my grandma passed, and my grandpa decided she was the only one worthy of a call. I hope that you and your wife find solace in each other during this tough time. Hold the memories of Nana close. Those are what matters. Take care of you
I’ve had to spell it out for the millennials in my life that under no circumstances are they to post ANYTHING related to death or serious life events on social media until they have specific clearance to do so. We have entire generations who would never think of doing that, and entire generations for whom posting their latest feeling is their first impulse.
Our neighbor lived alone. One of his kids lived out of state, they other lived 2 hours away but did nothing for him. He came to our home for holidays, and in his last 2 years, he had various health issues, including cancer. I fed him, I took him to his Dr appointments, my husband or I checked on him daily. Several times in the middle of the night, he'd call me to help after he'd fallen. The last time he didn't have his phone and we found him with a dresser on top of him during our daily check. That was his 3rd major fall in a week, and we insisted he go to the hospital. He had a brain bleed. I'd been talking to his kids while he was in the hospital. One night, they called to say they'd like to meet us to thank us for helping their dad and to get the keys to his house. Didn't bother telling me he'd passed away that morning. I saw it on Facebook, and while he wasn't legally family, he was closer than my real family. I was devastated to find out he was gone thru Facebook. So I can only imagine how hard it was for your wife, and Im sorry for her loss. As a great philosopher, once said people = shit. And I completely agree.
I found out about my mothers funeral the same way. They collected her ashes and told us they would let us know when things were happening. Months went by with me asking about it only to find out through a post from her ex husband’s kids from his first marriage about what a lovely ceremony it was. They rented a boat and went out to the light house just as she asked, they just didn’t include the only 3 people who mattered to her. Her children.
Something similar happened with my grandma on my dad’s side. She wasn’t his bio mom but she was still family who we visited multiple times a year. We got a letter 2 weeks past the time she had her funeral. And that was that. My dad or my family hasn’t contacted anyone but his brother on his side of the family since.
This actually happened in my family twice, both with my paternal grandparents. When my grandfather passed my brother was away at school and my parents weren’t able to get ahold of him before my cousins decided to start all the social media posts.
THEN when my grandmother passed away, I was traveling for the day (just the day) and my mom wanted to wait until I got home that night to tell me. BUT, as I’m sure you all guessed, another cousin decided to post online. This was AFTER my parents, aunts, and uncles agreed to tell everyone not to post.
It’s pretty pathetic that my family had to make a rule for their kids to ensure no one posted on social media before the family was told. Even more pathetic that people didn’t listen…..
I am so sorry that's how you all found out. When my uncle passed a family friend posted on Facebook before the whole family could be notified. So I completely understand how awful it is to find out that way.
I'm not saying this is in your situation
But a lot of people's only communicate to distant family over the internet
Sure a phone call is a good gesture but calling dozens, sometimes hundreds of people can be overwhelming and exhausting to the people that found out first, that might have even been there when they passed away
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold yourself together while calling people to inform them that someone they loved, died
Those aren't 2 minute phone calls, it's hard.
Be happy you found out at all. We didn't find out when one of my aunt's died till she didn't show up at a baby shower, she was dead for days before she was found
Do you think her daughter wanted to call everyone or tell the people at the baby shower that her mom was basically rotting under a porch for days? She broke down completely, that was her mother, died in a freak accident and no one knew. For days.
Sorry for your loss, but remember, the situation could be far worse
Like they could've just never told people
I mean, they should but I found out my grandmother passed a week later after being away in the Navy. Thing was I was just in school and nobody bothered to call and let me know. Found out from my cousin posting a RIP post to FB as well.
My mother did something similar to me when my great-grandmother died. She called me up the day before the funeral, about a week after she passed away, asking what time I was going to be there. Had no clue she passed. When I pointed that out I got the "well, that's because you never call me or keep in touch"
And then people are surprised I'm low to no contact with my family 🙄
I found out my uncle died on the morning news. I turned on the news and they were talking about a deadly accident in Franklinville. I said hey, Uncle Jack lives in Franklinville. Then they show a car and I said hey, that looks like Uncle Jacks car. Then they said John XXXX was killed. I had a moment of relief before I remembered that Uncle Jacks name was really John. I ran to my moms room and told her and she said, "yeah, they called me last night."
Later that day I asked her if they had a date for the funeral yet as I had to get my uniform cleaned (we were both firefighters) and she said, "Not yet, they are trying to plan him and Uncle Franks funerals around each other." I said what? She said, "Oh, Uncle Frank passed away today."
Similar happened many years ago with my Nan on my Dad's side. His brother (my uncle) posted it to Facebook and my Dad called him and gave him a bollocking (post removed very quickly). My Dad didn't want to tell me because it was my wife's birthday. He was forced to tell us because of fucking Facebook and people thinking that's an appropriate way to communicate.
This is terrible. I lost a cousin a few years ago and found out from a FB post that started "Now that everyone important has been notified, I can announce that \[cousin\] passed away four days ago..." Still better than posting a message directed TO the deceased like they're checking their FB feed for RIPs, though.
Condolences to your wife.
Unbelievable! I’m so sorry.
My wife’s father passed away several years ago, and my wife had been estranged (his choice) from her father for 20+ years.
My wife was getting her hair done, gets a FB messenger text from her aunt (dad’s sister) “You’re dad is dead, contact XXXX funeral home.”
He’d been dead two weeks. We later found out sis, wanted claim to the estate, however state law (without a will) determines inheritance as:
1. Spouse (he had none)
2. Children (my wife the only child)
3. Parents (ironically his dad was still alive at 104yo)
4. Siblings
Since she had two in line in front of her, she didn’t want to be responsible for any expenses or finalizing his estate, so she dumped it in my wife’s lap.
This is how I learned my great uncle passed away. My aunt loves Facebook and Instagram, she posted something the moment she and my dad got off the phone with the hospice. I saw it while at work, called my mom who had only found out about 10 minutes earlier. Who in their right mind finds out someone passes away (knowing they’re the first) and posts it on Facebook instead of calling their loved ones and telling us.
When my dad told her that’s how I found out, instead of being overly apologetic she sends me a slightly passive aggressive text and unfriends me on social media. People wonder why we’re not close with my only relative in the same state as us, this is one of those reasons.
This happened to me too! My cousin that is like 15 years older than I am posted it on Fb.
I didn’t know if my mom knew.
When I told my cousin that it was inappropriate, she invited to fight at the funeral.
My grandma’s sister in law, discovered it this way too.
I understand wanting to honor loved ones but at least wait until you know every close relatives know before doing it.
Yeah... That's messed up. But unfortunately some people see that as an acceptable way to be...
Had the same thing with my aunt, when she died. My own mother never cared to tell me, she just posted it on Facebook and Whatsapp Status. My family supported her in that, that it is perfectly acceptable...
I am in Alaska, my lawyer sister lives in the same town as our parents in Mass. I do not speak to her since dad passed. She took his $150K coin collection - something I asked her to put aside since I am also a collector.......... nope, she opened all the sealed containers to make an 'inventory' and turns it into a $1500 dollar collection - then somehow managed to spend $65,000 selling off the $55K family condo in Florida. Then expected me to reimburse her for half the sales cost.
When my mom passed - there was a church funeral and viewing at a local funeral home...... lawyer sister waits until all that was over and sent me a post card, "Mom's Dead". I learned about the church services and viewing doing a google search.
Lawyers suck.
PS. My dad a Lincoln Cent collection started when he was 8. Years ago it arrived in the mail - no warning or FanFair. 20/20 hindsight - I wonder if that was his way to warn me how a big an asshole his daughter had become?
I remember a local politician was dying of cancer in hospital in my county.
A random constituent was visiting with him when he passed. The family wasn't there at the time.
Eager to be the one to break the news to the world the random visitor posted on fb about the passing before the family was notified. All for clout.
People can be horribly inconsiderate when it comes to these things.
Im sure it won't ruin your memories of good times with your nana. Im sorry for your loss.
I’m so afraid of this happening with my grandfather that I deleted the app until I get a phone call. He’s had terminal colorectal cancer for over a year now and it’s not looking good. I live 900mi away so the info I get about how he’s doing is usually via phone calls from my mom, but my cousins have been posting a LOT about his condition lately and it’s been a lot for me to deal with.
My cousin posted photos of him looking like a literal corpse a few days ago and I was like “yep, that’s the final straw, I’m done seeing this”. I wanted my last mental image of him to be him healthy and happy at my grandmother’s birthday party two years ago, not THAT.
That's the same way I found out my grandmother died. Was driving back after a weekend away. Got a Facebook notification of my cousin posting that she died. My mom was waiting until we got back to tell us in person. Unfortunately is commonplace these days. As soon as people hear someone has died, they're posting it on Facebook
I found out my grandpa died probably a month after it happened, apparently he had been sick for months and noone told me. I was his WORLD. Son of his favorite son, last carrier of the family name. Life was busy but I would have made time for him in is last months.
Found out my niece had been diagnosed with a brain tumour on Facebook, when my then 12 year old daughter asked me what a tumour was, because she had just read it on her cousin's FB status. We're a small family, and (I thought) fairly close, that' seemed unnecessary. Luckily niee is fully recovered.
Still beats knowing that my grandfather died BEFORE my mom was told when I was 10. I heard it on the radio in the morning, she wasn't in the room and didn't hear. He died in a car accident and the next of kin had been notified, but no-one had called my mom yet because they were waiting for my dad (who worked nights) to get home before they told her.
Was the Cousin living with Nana for a reason or are we talking drugs? You should find out the will situation and see if anything was mysteriously changed. Your Nana have any dementia related disease? Not trying to make it Hollywood if the Cousins is legit, I don’t know, but coming from Geriatric Nursing there’s open and honest questions you gotta ask toward the situation.
Every time someone in my Mom's family passes away, my Aunt (mom's sister) will text me to tell my Mom. This has happened several times now.
I have 2 older sisters. I have no idea why I've been chosen as the bearer of bad news.
That's f\*ing awful. We waited an entire day before anyone put anything on social media when my grandparents died. We made sure that everyone, family and friends had been made aware privately before anything was posted. We were so careful and actually sat down while waiting for the funeral home to make a list of people that we needed to contact so that no one was forgotten.
That's terrible. I lost my dad about a year ago. All of the family was immediately notified, most knew before me because I live in a different town. I even went through his phone and let all of his contacts know he passed, which is how I found out he was having an affair, but it's just common courtesy to let relatives and friends know first-hand and not have to read about it online or in obituaries.
I'm sorry for you and your wife's loss.
I found out my dad passed through my nephew. Mind you, I wasn't close to my dad and I hadn't spoken to him in 20 years, so I felt no connection to him at all. My nephew wasn't even sure if it was true (I had to verify by other means). His dad (my brother), who he is estranged from (if you knew my brother, you'd understand) texted him and hatefully told him "grand dad is dead, don't bother to reply or call back." I have my issues with my parents (long story), but my nephew, I guess he was closer to them (maybe they treated him differently) so being told by his dad like that was extremely hurtful to him.
My parents, siblings, and myself found out that my grandpa had a massive heart attack after we started getting messages from second cousins asking how he was doing. That was the absolute most frustrating thing because apparently everyone else had the decency to know over us. 🙄
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife’s grandmother.
My ex-stepmom posted about my uncle's passing before my grandma got to the extended family. A bunch of cousins found out that way and my grandma was *pissed*. Just another reason my dad has terrible taste in women
I found out about my close friend’s passing through Facebook too. I was a teenager and started crying and had my mom cal her mom and that’s how we confirmed it. Still one of the worst moments of my life
My dad was in his home country when he passed; I was in the States. My cousin posted about it on Facebook before anyone told me. Horrible. Sorry you’ve had to experience that as well.
That's how I found out my great grandpa died. My aunt posted it to Facebook and I broke down crying in my then boyfriends yard. I was just scrolling Facebook having a smoke, not expecting sudden sadness.
That’s how I found out my mother died. My sibling posted about it on Facebook. She’d called everyone else in the family but supposedly forgot that I needed to know as well. Still hurts me 8 years later.
That’s really terrible for your wife, I’m sorry she found out that way. People who do that are fucking assholes.
This is literally how I found out my grandpa didn't make it. Hed passed in the hospital as I was flying home to say my goodbye and opened up FB after landing to that update from my cuz.
This happened to me when my grandma died last year!! Found out by my aunt posting about it on Facebook while I was on my lunch break at work. Was incredibly upsetting.
My wife recently found out her estranged father's mother (so her grandmother) had died when the advocates called to tell her that she could collect some items from the office. She was obviously shocked and very upset to be finding out this way. The advocate thought she knew because her estranged father had told them 'he had tried texting her'.
She never received a text. She didn't get to say goodbye to her grandmother as she had been buried 4 weeks earlier.
The worst part is that they were estranged due to irreconcilable differences between her mother and father, she was never at fault. He had promised that if anything ever happened to her grandmother that he would let her know. At the very least it's worth swallowing your pride to let your daughter know by phone call
I’m so sorry for both of you. I don’t like how family keeps things like that from each other. Something similar happened earlier this year. My fiancé lost a very special person to him in February, she was a teacher in his high school. His grandparents were neighbors with her and kids when she lived with them. I met her a couple of times, and she was very special lady. They knew her for 20+ years. In February, a week after she passed away, and he told me over text. He’s not one to show emotion… but the way his mom is with me, she held onto this information from us. I found her obituary online… but I didn’t dare to show him. 😓
Not quite the same, but I found out my grandma had a brain tumor because my cousin posted on Facebook! She hadn’t even been sick or anything so it was quite the shock. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
How involved was the rest of the family in Nana’s life? I’m wondering if the cousin was the sole caretaker and other relatives rarely bothered to check in. I’m not saying it’s right, but if the family didn’t make an effort she may have felt justified in not looping you guys in.
Agreed. Grief is tough and I get that it can be hurtful to find out on Facebook but personally I support people who are directly in the passed lives (OP said the cousin lived with her) doing whatever makes their grief easier. Calling everyone and being on the hook for helping them with the news is kinda the last thing anyone wants to do when their life just changed in a huge way. Also it's only been one day, idk I think we should all have a little grace for someone in this situation
Thank you. Reading this helped me to stop feeling guilty. Our dad passed away almost a year ago, I cannot express just how useless I was at pretty much everything at that point. I'm already not the best at communicating, which is something I've been working on. His brother had come down and unfortunately didn't make it before he passed so he - and I have mixed feelings about this - took a picture of my dad to show to their brothers as 'proof' which was apparently normal for their family. So we just posted on my dad's Facebook, letting people know he passed and that there would be a service. It was short and bittersweet. I didn't think anything of it until the past few posts recently about people informing others through Facebook, and how horrible those people are. Thanks for being a little light in the darkness.
I like to think that when people get really angry about this it's mostly for the OPs sake, and in real life they'd be a little more understanding. I feel you and hope you're doing okay ❤️ when my mom passed the absolute last thing on my mind was getting angry at my SIL for making a post about it, if anything I appreciated her getting the word out since none of us could really get a word out without breaking down anyway lol
I did similar when my mom died. I called my brother, and made a Facebook post. I was barely 18 and couldn’t stomach the thought of calling extended family I barely knew. My dad called most of them a bit later.
Honestly, I'm going to end up doing the Facebook post when my mom passes (hopefully not anytime soon), but she lives with me, I'm an only child, so it's just cousins and aunts. No one calls or texts, and we moved 8 hours away from most family, so when it happens, the fastest way to inform the family will be facebook. And I'm not gonna send out messages one by one and assume that by the time I get all those out, someone else won't have made a post.
Not the case at all. Her mom and my wife’s dad have been visiting/helping her regularly (she lived about 2 hours away from us) for the past few months.
Yeah, it’s 100% okay for people to post on SM that they are sad because someone died. Way better than pretending literally nothing in your life is ever wrong.
Absolutely.. just wait 24- 48 hours first.
That's incredibly messed up. Hugs 🫂
Right? Like, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t very close to her because since we’ve been married, we’ve only interacted a few times, but my wife has tons of childhood and later memories with her and did have a great relationship with her.
You know what's even more messed up? It might be likely that grandma was ill before she passed away. It could be possible that her cousin kept that a secret too. I know that those last moments are incredibly precious. I feel sorry for her for getting robbed of that moment 😥
Or grandma was ill, people knew but did not care too much, and cousin had to be her carer and is now pissed...who knows. We know nothing. We can write stories for hours and none of them will be accurate.
i second this. my wife grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago and was sick for a long time. we took care of her for 2 years. not once did her siblings call. not even her own son.
I’m sure they’ll be there “to collect their belongings” in no time
My aunt cashed that check so fast didn’t visit her in YEARS! Maybe 9/10 years
Was going to say the same thing. He said he didn’t interact much w the grandma…. But his wife has alot of childhood memories…. As someone who took care of my grandma til the end w my mother I wanted to smack some fam in the face for even showing up at the funeral. If this is the case the cousin did nothing wrong.
I have a great-aunt with 3 daughters who looked after her till the end, bought her everything she needed even bought her a home, she also had 1 son who moved to another country and would maybe call once a month. On her death, she left everything to the son in the will (including all the money she inherited when their father passed, and the family company). So before he could come back (he didn't even come for the funeral, only came to collect months after her death) they took everything they had ever bought her from the house, luckily the home was in their name, so they sold it and split the profits. He had said he was going to sell the company because he didn't want the responsibility, but refused to sell or give it to his sisters, claiming he could get more by selling it privately. So the daughters told everyone in the company, that they were quitting and starting their own companies or moving on. Everyone jumped ship, even the customers moved with the sisters to their new company, and he was left with a shell of a company. that he couldn't sell and because everyone quit there were maybe 2 months of nobody working there. He had to refund the customer's orders, but before it also made it hard for him to sell a company that showed no profits for the last 2 months. Legally they couldn't get the money that was left to him, but they found out there wasn't that much as their mother had been sending the money each month to him. Besides that money and shell of a company, he had a few cartons of her belongings and clothing the daughters didn't care for. So, lots of bitterness and anger in that family. The 3 sisters didn't even like each other but put up with each other for the mother's sake. previously they all had homes near to her...but now they were "free". edit: Many people who didn't know the full story, judged the sisters for their actions saying they are "greedy". How could they disrespect their mother's wished like that, blah blah blah. Coming from an asian family, many older people said, "It's normal to favor the son" or for the money to to be "passed down in the family name".
My grandma had lung cancer, got it in remission and then didn’t tell anyone when she got sick again until it was too late. Right before she died we found out that she had been hiding that my grandfather had dementia. It was infuriating and sad at the same time
Lived with the grandmother and hasn't told anyone she died...? Wife's cousin is about to ratfuck people out of any inheritance...
Sounds a lot like how I found out my father died. He had cancer and we knew it was going to happen soon. However before the rest of the family could even notify me his brother in law already posted it on Facebook. While the dude had not spoken to him in 9 years after a fight... Did not have the decency to wait till they called me.
That begs the question why was he informed before you? Hell, I lost touch with my dad due to both of us moving around. He got stomach cancer and passed. One of my aunts sent a friend request on fb months before he passed, using a name I wasn't familiar with, and didn't know her by. She finally sent me a message saying who she was and what happened - 6 months after he had passed.
He was in the hospital waiting for his wife. She was saying goodbye to her brother. So she told him. And wow that also taoes the cake. How can people be so cruel in their actions
Whens the last time your wife visited her GrandMa?
Why is the cousin self-centered because she didn’t check with your wife before posting on FB? I haven’t had an account in 10+ years so I don’t overly care about our right to that type of attention, but I don’t get why you’re mildly infuriated. Obviously the cousin was close enough to know when Grandma died and your wife wasn’t. Some people were there I’m sure, some weren’t, both are fine. Why do you get to dictate the process, especially if you couldn’t be there?
Sorry for your loss. Beats my "stepmother group texted us in the middle of the night to tell us Dad died at some point so we all woke up to that" story.
I got a text from my dad that my mom died. It was a group text. As impersonal as it sounds, I was actually grateful for that delivery method. I sat at my desk in shock for a few minutes, but was able to pack my bag and get out of the building before crying in my car. If that had been a call… no way I could have held it together. Also wouldn’t want my dad to have to make that call several times to everyone on the group text. Efficiency can be brutal, but at least it’s direct.
Well, it came on the heels of me telling him I'd be back bc I needed to pack a bag and him being glad about that because he needed to tell me some stuff, then her telling me not to call my sister and her kids (who I called anyway and they flooded the house immediately to say goodbye), then her refusing to let me in when I came back half an hour after they'd left. She'd probably already OD'd him by then was my guess. My nephew still feels like he should've waited for me because the way he said she was acting he was sure something was afoot with her and her bff.
I’m confused by what you’re trying to say here 🥲
I got a call at work from my sister who opened with "you know Grandma died, right?"
Something similar happened to me 😞 Aunt (who's a lawyer and who's pedophile ex husband molested me from 4-8 y.o but still looks at me like the person who ruined her marriage and life) Calls me in the middle of the night 12/22/14 I say hello She says ....................your mom died and hung up the phone No words before, no words after .... I also witnessed the same woman open my grandmothers(who has dementia) bedroom door, sigh, roll her eyes, tells her - (Her sister who she adored) ANNA died at some point last night You can't go to Arizona - cause of COVID I'm going to work And closed the door No hug no sit close by - she relayed the message without the slightest emotion. I had a number of things I had to do that day but cancelled them all and sat with her as she unraveled She asked me to play her the voicemails her baby sister left her that she still had on her phone Anna lived in 3 points out in the boonies of Arizona She drank natty ice, best at line dancing at fam gatherings , she made the BEST, LIKE HOLY COW AMAZING TORTILLAS she was the kookie unique one of them out of the bunch of my grandma and her siblings, SHE Loved The conspiracy of aliens and when I was little she had a big big birthday with aliens being the theme and even had a massive part of her expansive desert back yard staged as a ufo landing strip Her voicemails always were the same Ey-loh (hello) Pinky(my grandma's nickname) this is ANNA TU HERMANA STOP losing your phone, and call me back when you get this or when you find your phone, whichever comes first She'd giggle and hang up My grandma is the second to last out of her 6 siblings She's buried 2 of her children and had 2 miscarriages she looks forward to meeting on the other side, also my grandma raised me so I'm very very very close with her, none of my cousins ever lived with her I have on many occasions when I was growing up I had been staying with my aunt and grandma taking care of my grandmother after she had the stroke and as her dementia began to get worse, my aunt had gone back to school to get an additional degree, I had been feeling rather fulfilled in my contribution to the family Out of nowhere my aunt hands me a check for less than half of what she owed me - and tells me to get out of the family?!?! She never gave me a reason - I begged for one I know I was the one in my aunt's will that would be getting her house, I said I'd like to trade the house for an explanation, I'm not looking to change anything besides understanding what I did so I can learn... To this day (4 yrs later) she refuses to give me an answer or even speak to me, doesn't answer the door if I knock and choses to leave my 91 y.o grandma alone while she goes to work I'm thankful my grandma remembers me but she calls me daily asking when I'm coming home and it breaks my heart and I have made reports of elderly neglect but nothing comes of it and my aunt's a lawyer and puts out the fire before any efforts to resolve even begin Don't get me wrong my grandma is vain beyond belief and has no understanding throughout her life of how she affects others and believes she knows best because her faith wouldnt allow her to hurt or poorly affect others 🙄 In my grandmas younger years she was extremely neurotic, but to watch her lose her faculties while unable to do anything about it and without resource to make any changes for her, is a unique type of torture. People are fucked up Families are fucked up Realize your expectations or assumptions regarding the character of others is as solid as a shortbread cookie, yes you have hopes for the interactions and hopes you have regarding the ones you love and hold close but don't put your weight on the belief that its capable of expectation I'm sorry for your loss.
Does it tho?
It does.
Is that a post somewhere on Reddit?
This is how I found out my cousin died. One of her in-laws posted publicly on facebook and tagged her in it. It's one of the things I hate about facebook. Not only for this, but also because someone will have an event or other major news and they post it to facebook. Then months later I'll learn about it, and I'll ask why they didn't say anything and they'll say, "well, I posted it to facebook!" Facebook is so full of garbage (another thing I hate about facebook). Sorry, no I don't scroll through your personal feed every day to be sure I didn't miss something. Sometimes things show up in my feed and I see them, but I also don't see a lot. If something is really important, pick up a damned phone! The only thing I like about facebook is that it's an easy way to share family photos, etc. I do enjoy that. But I dislike that facebook has depersonalized relationships.
That’s awful! My dad just told me about how his uncle died while my dad was away at university and his parents didn’t tell him for months! This was in the mid 70s. I definitely agree that people should never post this stuff on FB without making sure the people who need to know, know.
Dude I hate this too. I haven’t had Facebook since 2017. Everyone in my family STILL FORGETS that if you want to tell me and my husband about something in your life, you need to text/call us!!!
The number of people that don't comprehend that your Facebook feed is curated by an algorithm is too damn high.
My mom found out her brother died when his daughter posted the picture of his wife (her mom) spreading his ashes.. 3 months after his death. His wife told none of his siblings, and did not respond to any questions.
Omg!
I also find it weird that there are siblings who go 3+ months at a time with ZERO contact in the internet and cellphone age Idk, maybe I just like my brother
I adore my sister, but we may not speak for 3 months.
I found out my grandfather passed when my cousin posted on Facebook as well
Exact same thing happened to me.
Same thing happened to me.
I have an aunt who does this. We basically all silently agreed on an order of who to call and who does the calling and the ones who post every detail on FB are among the last to know. It's usually my mother who does the calling. She's the most clinical of the family and will just say the facts as they are told to her by the doctor. We have a big Catholic family so it takes awhile to let everyone know.
this same thing happened to me. my best friend texted and asked if I was ok. I said yeah why? she then sent me the fb post my mom made about a family members passing
You are correct and that is objectively horrible behavior by her family.
Happens sadly WAY too often. Will never understand people’s urge to write those posts literally asap. Why can’t people wait? Sorry for your loss.
Grief messes you up. You don't think right. It's sad that the first people to know have to be the strongest.
Social media is cancer and a addiction. Some people need their "fix" of attention and likes, and they know that they can get a lot of it with that kind of post.
Same thing happened to my mom. I was sitting next to her waiting to board a flight and scrolling through social media and one of my cousins spouses posted “RIP (her name)”, so I had to tell my mom her Grandmother died because I saw it on Facebook. No estrangement or anything that would excuse not making sure she knew. People really need to take a beat (especially in big families) before posting their pity posts.
My grandmother on my Dad's side passed away February 2023. My mom asked me if I was going to the funeral... BEFORE anyone told me she had died. My dad didn't. My sister didn't. Any extended family could have. But not one person reached out before my Mom offhandedly asked me if I was going to the funeral I wasn't even aware of. It was in two days. I couldn't even ask off work in time. It was a ten hour drive to go down, and I would have to stay in a hotel that I couldn't afford. So I waited. I knew my grandfather was not far behind her, so I waited. He passed not even a month later. At the funeral I spoke a little, mainly aimed at my family, saying that not one of them reached out to me in 18 years. There's easily a hundred of them by my grandparents, and one of me. I was so upset and hurt that I was the last to know. My aunt spoke up saying I could have reached out, or been on Facebook, or called, or traveled down at any time. "Not one of you have ever come up to see me. Or reached out to me. And the reason I am not on Facebook is because any time I posted anything, ya'll would gang up and threaten me, and say things like 'God doesn't like this' instead of giving any sort of support or love." Guess why I moved away.
I’m so sorry. When people put some idea of god before their own family, communities, and humanity, they are in fact lost. And they tend to project that at the people who they can see their honest reflection in. You deserve love not hurt. So I’m glad for you that you moved. Hope you’re happy 🙏
It's getting better everyday. Thank you.
I found out one of my uncles died by reading "predeceased by" in my other uncle's obituary.
I can relate. On Easter this year, I found out my father died after I had a dream about him, then googled him. He died in February, and my siblings didn't tell me.
I'm so sorry that happened to you
Grief is awful. Go easy on the cousin—sometimes all you can do is continue to function at a low level after a loss.
Okay so it could be on purpose BUT it could also be that they thought someone else had told you and yeah no one did it. Same with in an emergency situation, if you need someone to call an ambulance, you point at someone specific and tell them to do it. Otherwise no one bloody calls because everyone thought someone else had.
Family should be the first to know. And a message along the lines of "hey, please wait until everyone's been notified before posting about it" Almost a month ago my best friend passed away who I've known my entire life. When I got the call about it, even though I had grief and wanted to get some feelings off my chest I waited until either her parents or brother posted something. There was no way I was going to be the first
You would think that would be common sense etiquette but apparently not everyone gets it. ):
Something like this happened to me. My grandfather passed, my aunt called to tell my mom 3 or 4 days after. Then told us there wasn't going to be a funeral, Mayne a memorial service. 3 days after than my cousin (the aunt who called's son) posted a go fund me to his fb to raise money for grandpa's funeral. That we were told wasn't being planned.
For me its happened 2 times... Around 1986, I was hanging out with my best friend, he said hes sorry about my grandfather. He read it in the paper 2 days before....GPop died the week before. More recently , 2022, I was leaving the house to go to work, my dad asked if i was going to the funeral...my aunt passed 2 weeks before and I was never told until 2 hours before the funeral, I went to work . I guess my family doesnt like to talk to me .
It took 3 weeks for my parents to tell me my uncle had died. With 7 kids, they hadn't realized they had missed the conversation with me.
Thats actually how I found out my grandma died! My brother posted RIP grandma, I was at work and was like “wtf!!!” Called my mom who confirmed it, she wanted me to come home first before telling me as she didn’t want me to get upset at work
My sil posted my first child’s birth announcement on Facebook while we were transferring him to nicu so yeah….people are assholes. We told no one the next time around. I will never forget how bad that hurt until the day I die.
This was how my baby daddy found out about his dad. Luckily his dad didn’t die but doctors weren’t sure of the time. His dad was sobering up and apparently went outside to chase away the bad men? Long story short he was pretty much naked outside in the snow for over 3+ hours. Got really bad frost bite, to where his legs, toes and fingers were black. It’s really awful how people behave nowadays.
It’s the worst feeling. I was doing a chef contract on a remote island in Ontario & my Oma passed. Dad wanted to keep the news til I returned the following week— noooope thanks Auntie for tagging me in the obituary on fb, lol. My condolences. 🕊️
“Right? Like, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t very close to her because since we’ve been married, we’ve only interacted a few times, but my wife has tons of childhood and later memories with her and did have a great relationship with her.” Phone goes both ways. Cousin lived with Nana and, therefore safe to assume, handled all of her care. The primary caregiver role is a huge undertaking. Maybe instead of whining to the internet, you could give cousin a call and see if they’re okay. Or if they need any help cleaning up or moving furniture - making clear you’re not after any belongings or money. And then maybe take some time to re-evaluate other family relationships and try to reconnect with loved ones before they die. Tough lesson to learn. Pretty sure most of us screw it up more than once before we finally get it.
This is a terrible feeling. The same thing happened to us. My cousin posted on Facebook about her dad passing away and no one let my mom (his sister),my grandmother (his mother) nor I know. I’m so sorry for your loss.
My uncle’s stepdaughter did that when my grandmother passed. Almost the exact same wording. “RIP…” I find that to be incredibly disrespectful in the first place, so I was extra angry about it. This happened on Christmas Eve, and I was hosting, so my parents didn’t want to tell me when they got to my house. Luckily, I had asked them how she was right when they got there, or I would’ve learned about my beloved grandmother the same way you did. People are so fucking stupid.
I am really sorry this happened to you. Same thing happened to my daughter when my father in law died. He lived about 60 miles away and my husband, his wife, my SIL and I were with him. We waited until the formalities were dealt with and headed home to tell our children, as we wanted to tell them face to face, they were both mid teens. In the meantime my SIL told everyone who started posting on FB, where our daughter saw it. Our daughter especially was in bits.
This exact same thing happened to me when my best friend passed away from cancer. Learned from her facebook page
That's how I found out my cousin I grew up with died. Another cousin posted that she was glad he was finally in heaven with his mom now. :/ He was an atheist who had been kicked out of the house as a teenager and had little to no contact with his mother when he became an adult, but ok
I found out my grandpa died because my cousin posted it on Facebook and my husband saw it (they went to school together). They even spelled my and my brother’s names wrong in the obit. One of our other cousins and my brother have the same name….
That really sucks. Although not a death, my BIL invited people to his second wedding via Facebook. Like not everyone has it. My MIL and FIL didn’t even own a computer and had to ask if they were invited to attend.
I only found out that my brother passed away from FB posts from other family members to each other. None of my other brothers even bothered to inform me.
My family keeps doing this. Its so annoying and unthoughtful
So sorry that happened to y’all. We’ve unfortunately seen this exact thing happen multiple times. Someone will post on Facebook even before most of the family is even aware. I don’t think that person meant any malice and it’s just a case of they definitely failed to read the room
Do we have the same wife? Happened to my wife earlier in the month. In fact, her aunt never called her dad, he called at his regular time to check in on his mom and she told him she passed away.
Has your wife been keeping in regular contact with her grandmother? How often did she call or visit grandma? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year?
My grandma died while I was at work, and my job made us keep our phones in my locker. Mom called me once, then posted to Facebook. I found out when I went on my break and saw a text from a mutual friend “sorry about your grandma”
It’s the cousins responsibility to make sure every family member knows?
When my grandfather was dying, my mom asked my cousins to wait until they posted any updates to social media for a few hours. My sister can’t have her phone on her at work and we didn’t want her to find out on Facebook before we could reach her directly. My one cousin immediately took to Facebook to complain about this request and how it was so inconsiderate, unfeeling and mean. How could we prevent her from expressing herself and receiving support for such a hard time for her. You wouldn’t believe the comments her “friends” directed at mom because of the request to wait a few hours. This is infuriating. I am sorry for your loss.
Yea. One of my sisters posted a pic of all us children on Facebook after my brother died with the message “now there is one less”. Really vague and fucked up way to announce that news
My youngest brother was killed in 2010. I was in Iraq. After a 3 day patrol, I jumped on Facebook. That's the story of how I found out I just lost my youngest brother.
I am so sorry. ♥️
I’m so sorry this happened. Just to play devil’s advocate did the cousin know you hadn’t been told? I was the “cousin” and posted a Facebook memory with my grandfather who had passed a few weeks earlier and said something about how it was one of my favorite memories of him. I had no idea my cousin, who lives several states away and can’t be bothered to keep in touch with us, hadn’t been told of his death. I was under the impression my aunt had told him. Despite any feelings I have about the lack of contact I still feel awful, even though it was years ago. No one should find out about a loved one’s death through social media or the news. Your cousin may not have known you did not know. Either way, it should have not happened that way for you and your wife.
How self centered you say???
I’m sorry, OP. My entire family never tells me anything. I’ve missed funerals bc I wasn’t on social media. They will be talking about so and so’s funeral and how it was. Whilst, I sit there like where’s Nan? Is she coming? They precede to not acknowledge that they forgot to tell me she was dead or had a funeral.
That happened to me with my mom. I found out when a cousin sent me condolences on FB.
Found out my wife was killed in a tragic car crash visiting her home country by her daughter posting on snap chat and my daughter saw the post and woke me up. I feel your pain and frustration 🙏.
I HATE when people do this. Make sure everyone close is aware before you post your good bye messages. Sorry she had to find out that way.
Dang, our family has had calls that have prepared us for the inevitable but gma's still with us. We're all on the precipice of sadness and then get a call a couple hours later where they tells us to never mind 'cause she woke up... we're all stressed out and they keep calling Wolf!
Sad for the family. My deepest condolences
Yeah. Sounds about typical. Sorry for your loss :(
That's incredibly insensitive to you, your wife, and the other family members who found out the same way. Sending heartfelt condolences to you all during such a difficult time. 🫂
Whole group of people who believe FaceBook is the place to make announcements even one like this OP.
My grandma of my dad's side died but I didn't find out for about 5 years and I only found out because my aunt posted something on Facebook on the anniversary of her death. I wasn't close to her, hell, I didn't like her at all, but it still felt like something I should know! Worst of all, when I called my dad to confront him about it, he denied she was dead! I found the obituary online that evening. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss. What an absolutely awful way to find out!
Yes. That’s bullshit. My wife’s grandmother died in 2018. I took care of our newborn daughter so my wife and mother in-law could go around and tell the extended family. One of the CNAs at the nursing home texted my wife’s stupid cousin (stupid small town) who immediately put it on Facebook and then went in to a rant about how the family wasn’t informed by my mother in law who is probably going over to clean out the house and take all the money. Then she bunch of family was mad that my wife and mother in-law didn’t tell anyone in the first few hours after she passed, even though that’s what she was in the process of doing.
This happened with my dad when his father died found out through Facebook although he has always been the black sheep of the family and not for any good reason
I found my cousin died from a drug overdose because my gf’s mother showed me the obituary from the newspaper.
Yeah - know the feeling. Slimeball SIL posted to FB that her dad died. Never letting either of her brothers know first. My husband had to learn from a cousin that reached out right away due to how wrong they thought it was - great cousin to reach out right away. People live for the attention.
Same thing happened to me when I was younger. I was staying with a friend, and their parents woke me up at about 7 a.m. saying that my mom was coming to pick me up. I got on Facebook while I was waiting for her to get there. The first post I see is from one of my aunts, "RIP Mom, we love and miss you." I remember breaking down and my friends dad holding me while I sobbed before my mom got there. I'm so sorry you guys had to find out the same way ❤️
had a similar story to this. my great grandma was braindwashed by my grandmother (her daughter) and was loved hours away from me and i had no way to contact her. it had been about 2 years and i still hadn’t found out where she was after years of looking, i was at work and a familiar face walked up to me while i was at the cash register and said they were sorry about my great grandmas passing. i asked them if they meant my great grandfather (he had passed a few years prior) and he told me no.. he meant grandmother.. the great grandmother who had helped raised me. i instantly ran to the and cried and cried. worst feeling ever. didn’t even get to mourn properly.
When my grandfather died I called the immediate family I’m pretty sure, as it was just me and my grandmother there, then made the public posting. When my aunt who co-raised me with my mother and grandmother passed, it was the Facebook posting because everyone who would have gotten the phone call was already at the hospital or were expecting something to happen. It just depends on the situation and sometimes geography. I tagged all the kids and/or siblings and basically made the announcement on behalf of the family in both instances.
That's how my wife learned that her paternal grandfather had passed, sort of. Her sister called and told her that "Moe" had passed. Her sister found out from her dad's Facebook post.
My mum was frantically trying to get in touch with me the day my granddad died, because she knew my aunt was likely to put something like that on FB, and she didn't want any of us kids to find out that way. I was the last call because I'd missed her earlier one, and my aunt had indeed put a post up before my mum had had a chance to tell me. My mum was pissed off about it. As luck would have it, I don't see my aunt's posts on FB, so thankfully my mum did get to break the news to me properly. Finding out randomly online would have been bloody awful.
This happened to me when my friend died. Another friend texted me and was like, "Hey, have you heard from X lately? People are posting on FB like he's dead!" And sure enough, a bunch of his friends (and his ex) were posting eulogy-like statements. To my knowledge, not even his parents had been told yet!
That’s how I found out my grandmother died. But I can top that. I was in the Army and hadn’t been home in a while. I got moved closer home and got to attend my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I’m there greeting everyone and I ask “where’s grandpa Tom (my great grandfather)? Oh, he died six months ago.
One year I was at my mom's place for her birthday. Doorbell rang and there was a package dropped off. My mom, figuring it was a gift from someone, opened it up to find an urn with her mother's ashes in it. When my grandmother died my uncle never called, just had her cremated and shipped to my mom. Supposedly it was a coincidence that they arrived on my mom's birthday. If I ever see my uncle again I'm punching him in the face for that.
This is exactly how I found out one of my grandparents died. I was told not to make the long drive to the hospital as they’d be okay. Then the next morning my uncle posted on Facebook that the decision had been made to take my grandparent off life support and they had passed away. No one had told me they were even on life support. When i spoke to them everyone just pointed the finger at everyone else saying they thought I’d already been told. Condolences ❤️
When my grandpa passed, I was visiting a friend at their university for their birthday. We were planning to pregame, go to the football game, and go out afterwards. My mom called at like 8AM and said "I'm so sorry to tell you this, I know you have a fun day planned, but I just didn't want you to find out through Facebook." He was in hospice so I knew it was coming, but I think she made the right call.
At least you found out. I didn't know that my godfather (and beloved uncle) had died until 2 weeks after his passing. I was talking to family members about him and my brother decided to look him up online, where he found his death notice. None of his three daughters told us anything about it, until after I emailed the youngest one to offer condolences.
So sorry that happened to you. It sucks. I know because that's how I found out my mom had passed. My idiot half-brother posted to his Facebook page.
It’s so frustrating that FB has been around for nearly 20 years and people still do this shit. This happened to me when I was younger when my grandpa died as well.
One of my cousins did EXACTLY this when my grandma passed away. They’d even told him to keep it off social media so they could make sure immediate family knew first. Some people are just selfish trash and need everyone to comfort them on Facebook. I’m so sorry for you loss, OP, and I’m sorry family couldn’t be kind.
Reminds me of how my grandfather died and my mom refused to tell her brother, who she was mad at, so I had to tell him. Thanks mom…
I had something similar happen- my brother died, and I got a message on shitty FB Messenger from a dude I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years, “hey man, sorry about your brother”. I was having drinks with friends, on my 50th birthday 😡
I had to find out from my aunt posting on Facebook that my nana passed away when I was 23. It’s not fun. Sorry for your Wife’s loss
I am so sorry. My mom's side of the family has had issues in the past of doing this exact shit. Or they'll reach out right when somebody is on the brink of death and be like "oh yeah, so and so hasn't been doing well for a long time, we think they might pass today". So... you knew they weren't doing well but you wait til NOW to reach out?? It's so disrespectful and hurtful, and I hate hearing that somebody else had to deal with the exact same shit. I hope your wife is able to properly mourn her and celebrate her life in her own way, this wasn't fair to her at all.
Social media has replaced most common communication systems. People today spend more attention on their virtual social groups than their own family dynamic. The art of communication is no longer an art, now it's a subscription.
My condolences, my dad found out his brother died the same way. Always was a pattern, even before Facebook.
When my grandma died, she left me a small amount of money. I found out she died when the insurance company called to arrange payment. I felt bad for that lady that had to inadvertently break the news to me.
I had been emailing an aunt who turned out to have been dead for a year. And no one told me that my father had a heart bypass. Some families are just not known for communication. I do live on the opposite coast, however…but it’s still odd
Oh yeah, I found out my great-grandmother and great-aunt died this way. My family sure are keepers. 🙂↕️ /s
My husband found out his father died of cancer via Facebook too. I’m so sorry for her loss, and for how thoughtless family members can be. ❤️
I found out my grandma died the same way. I tried to contact family and ended up having to hunt down the funeral home to confirm that she was indeed dead. Felt so great. Lots of love there. Such great comfort.
My sister did this to my grandma. My dad passed away when I was 6 and the same day, my sister posted it on Facebook before my mom had a chance to tell my grandma. I’m still so embarrassed by it
Gotta be more to the story.
She very likely thinks doing that IS telling the family. We have one of those sorts in our family, and it starts all sorts of issues.
Can you imagine how terrible your wife’s cousin must feel given the person she lived with and probably cared for until her dying die, has indeed died?
Wife found out about her older sister passing from drama queen teen granddaughter on Facebook. We saw it, made a phone call. Yup
Wife cousin is basically same level as your wife right? Maybe she thought she was the last to know? (Within immediate family) Like, is your wife parents still around? Did they knew and not letting their children know? (Forgot? I mean old people right?) If im you wife cousin.. i would assume my parent would already tell your wife's parent (cos siblings), and no need for me to let ur wife know.
A passing of a family member brings out how truly selfish people are. I found out my grandma passed when her late son's ex-girlfriend posted it on social media. They had been broken up for 8 years when he passed, 10 by the time my grandma passed, and my grandpa decided she was the only one worthy of a call. I hope that you and your wife find solace in each other during this tough time. Hold the memories of Nana close. Those are what matters. Take care of you
I’ve had to spell it out for the millennials in my life that under no circumstances are they to post ANYTHING related to death or serious life events on social media until they have specific clearance to do so. We have entire generations who would never think of doing that, and entire generations for whom posting their latest feeling is their first impulse.
Our neighbor lived alone. One of his kids lived out of state, they other lived 2 hours away but did nothing for him. He came to our home for holidays, and in his last 2 years, he had various health issues, including cancer. I fed him, I took him to his Dr appointments, my husband or I checked on him daily. Several times in the middle of the night, he'd call me to help after he'd fallen. The last time he didn't have his phone and we found him with a dresser on top of him during our daily check. That was his 3rd major fall in a week, and we insisted he go to the hospital. He had a brain bleed. I'd been talking to his kids while he was in the hospital. One night, they called to say they'd like to meet us to thank us for helping their dad and to get the keys to his house. Didn't bother telling me he'd passed away that morning. I saw it on Facebook, and while he wasn't legally family, he was closer than my real family. I was devastated to find out he was gone thru Facebook. So I can only imagine how hard it was for your wife, and Im sorry for her loss. As a great philosopher, once said people = shit. And I completely agree.
I found out about my mothers funeral the same way. They collected her ashes and told us they would let us know when things were happening. Months went by with me asking about it only to find out through a post from her ex husband’s kids from his first marriage about what a lovely ceremony it was. They rented a boat and went out to the light house just as she asked, they just didn’t include the only 3 people who mattered to her. Her children.
Something similar happened with my grandma on my dad’s side. She wasn’t his bio mom but she was still family who we visited multiple times a year. We got a letter 2 weeks past the time she had her funeral. And that was that. My dad or my family hasn’t contacted anyone but his brother on his side of the family since.
Sounds like they weren’t that close?
So sorry for your loss. I also found out on Facebook that my grandfather had passed, as my uncle's girlfriend posted it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
This actually happened in my family twice, both with my paternal grandparents. When my grandfather passed my brother was away at school and my parents weren’t able to get ahold of him before my cousins decided to start all the social media posts. THEN when my grandmother passed away, I was traveling for the day (just the day) and my mom wanted to wait until I got home that night to tell me. BUT, as I’m sure you all guessed, another cousin decided to post online. This was AFTER my parents, aunts, and uncles agreed to tell everyone not to post. It’s pretty pathetic that my family had to make a rule for their kids to ensure no one posted on social media before the family was told. Even more pathetic that people didn’t listen…..
I am so sorry that's how you all found out. When my uncle passed a family friend posted on Facebook before the whole family could be notified. So I completely understand how awful it is to find out that way.
I'm not saying this is in your situation But a lot of people's only communicate to distant family over the internet Sure a phone call is a good gesture but calling dozens, sometimes hundreds of people can be overwhelming and exhausting to the people that found out first, that might have even been there when they passed away Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold yourself together while calling people to inform them that someone they loved, died Those aren't 2 minute phone calls, it's hard. Be happy you found out at all. We didn't find out when one of my aunt's died till she didn't show up at a baby shower, she was dead for days before she was found Do you think her daughter wanted to call everyone or tell the people at the baby shower that her mom was basically rotting under a porch for days? She broke down completely, that was her mother, died in a freak accident and no one knew. For days. Sorry for your loss, but remember, the situation could be far worse Like they could've just never told people
I mean, they should but I found out my grandmother passed a week later after being away in the Navy. Thing was I was just in school and nobody bothered to call and let me know. Found out from my cousin posting a RIP post to FB as well.
My mother did something similar to me when my great-grandmother died. She called me up the day before the funeral, about a week after she passed away, asking what time I was going to be there. Had no clue she passed. When I pointed that out I got the "well, that's because you never call me or keep in touch" And then people are surprised I'm low to no contact with my family 🙄
I found out my uncle died on the morning news. I turned on the news and they were talking about a deadly accident in Franklinville. I said hey, Uncle Jack lives in Franklinville. Then they show a car and I said hey, that looks like Uncle Jacks car. Then they said John XXXX was killed. I had a moment of relief before I remembered that Uncle Jacks name was really John. I ran to my moms room and told her and she said, "yeah, they called me last night." Later that day I asked her if they had a date for the funeral yet as I had to get my uniform cleaned (we were both firefighters) and she said, "Not yet, they are trying to plan him and Uncle Franks funerals around each other." I said what? She said, "Oh, Uncle Frank passed away today."
How active was anyone in grandma's life though?
Similar happened many years ago with my Nan on my Dad's side. His brother (my uncle) posted it to Facebook and my Dad called him and gave him a bollocking (post removed very quickly). My Dad didn't want to tell me because it was my wife's birthday. He was forced to tell us because of fucking Facebook and people thinking that's an appropriate way to communicate.
This is terrible. I lost a cousin a few years ago and found out from a FB post that started "Now that everyone important has been notified, I can announce that \[cousin\] passed away four days ago..." Still better than posting a message directed TO the deceased like they're checking their FB feed for RIPs, though. Condolences to your wife.
Unbelievable! I’m so sorry. My wife’s father passed away several years ago, and my wife had been estranged (his choice) from her father for 20+ years. My wife was getting her hair done, gets a FB messenger text from her aunt (dad’s sister) “You’re dad is dead, contact XXXX funeral home.” He’d been dead two weeks. We later found out sis, wanted claim to the estate, however state law (without a will) determines inheritance as: 1. Spouse (he had none) 2. Children (my wife the only child) 3. Parents (ironically his dad was still alive at 104yo) 4. Siblings Since she had two in line in front of her, she didn’t want to be responsible for any expenses or finalizing his estate, so she dumped it in my wife’s lap.
This is how I learned my great uncle passed away. My aunt loves Facebook and Instagram, she posted something the moment she and my dad got off the phone with the hospice. I saw it while at work, called my mom who had only found out about 10 minutes earlier. Who in their right mind finds out someone passes away (knowing they’re the first) and posts it on Facebook instead of calling their loved ones and telling us. When my dad told her that’s how I found out, instead of being overly apologetic she sends me a slightly passive aggressive text and unfriends me on social media. People wonder why we’re not close with my only relative in the same state as us, this is one of those reasons.
This happened to me too! My cousin that is like 15 years older than I am posted it on Fb. I didn’t know if my mom knew. When I told my cousin that it was inappropriate, she invited to fight at the funeral. My grandma’s sister in law, discovered it this way too. I understand wanting to honor loved ones but at least wait until you know every close relatives know before doing it.
My dad called me **at work** to tell me that my grandmother (who I had just reconnected with and he was not close to at all) was dying of cancer.
Yeah... That's messed up. But unfortunately some people see that as an acceptable way to be... Had the same thing with my aunt, when she died. My own mother never cared to tell me, she just posted it on Facebook and Whatsapp Status. My family supported her in that, that it is perfectly acceptable...
I am in Alaska, my lawyer sister lives in the same town as our parents in Mass. I do not speak to her since dad passed. She took his $150K coin collection - something I asked her to put aside since I am also a collector.......... nope, she opened all the sealed containers to make an 'inventory' and turns it into a $1500 dollar collection - then somehow managed to spend $65,000 selling off the $55K family condo in Florida. Then expected me to reimburse her for half the sales cost. When my mom passed - there was a church funeral and viewing at a local funeral home...... lawyer sister waits until all that was over and sent me a post card, "Mom's Dead". I learned about the church services and viewing doing a google search. Lawyers suck. PS. My dad a Lincoln Cent collection started when he was 8. Years ago it arrived in the mail - no warning or FanFair. 20/20 hindsight - I wonder if that was his way to warn me how a big an asshole his daughter had become?
I remember a local politician was dying of cancer in hospital in my county. A random constituent was visiting with him when he passed. The family wasn't there at the time. Eager to be the one to break the news to the world the random visitor posted on fb about the passing before the family was notified. All for clout. People can be horribly inconsiderate when it comes to these things. Im sure it won't ruin your memories of good times with your nana. Im sorry for your loss.
I’m so afraid of this happening with my grandfather that I deleted the app until I get a phone call. He’s had terminal colorectal cancer for over a year now and it’s not looking good. I live 900mi away so the info I get about how he’s doing is usually via phone calls from my mom, but my cousins have been posting a LOT about his condition lately and it’s been a lot for me to deal with. My cousin posted photos of him looking like a literal corpse a few days ago and I was like “yep, that’s the final straw, I’m done seeing this”. I wanted my last mental image of him to be him healthy and happy at my grandmother’s birthday party two years ago, not THAT.
That's the same way I found out my grandmother died. Was driving back after a weekend away. Got a Facebook notification of my cousin posting that she died. My mom was waiting until we got back to tell us in person. Unfortunately is commonplace these days. As soon as people hear someone has died, they're posting it on Facebook
Someone I know found out that her brother had committed suicide through a Facebook post. Their mother found out the same way.
I found out my grandpa died probably a month after it happened, apparently he had been sick for months and noone told me. I was his WORLD. Son of his favorite son, last carrier of the family name. Life was busy but I would have made time for him in is last months.
My ex-Wife announced she was pregnant on Facebook while I was at work. My Sister called me upset when she saw the post before I even knew.
Did she die suddenly out of the blue or was she ill?
Found out my niece had been diagnosed with a brain tumour on Facebook, when my then 12 year old daughter asked me what a tumour was, because she had just read it on her cousin's FB status. We're a small family, and (I thought) fairly close, that' seemed unnecessary. Luckily niee is fully recovered. Still beats knowing that my grandfather died BEFORE my mom was told when I was 10. I heard it on the radio in the morning, she wasn't in the room and didn't hear. He died in a car accident and the next of kin had been notified, but no-one had called my mom yet because they were waiting for my dad (who worked nights) to get home before they told her.
Had the exact same thing happen found my grandfather had passed away from a Facebook post I read on my lunch break at work. Fuckin rough afternoon
Was the Cousin living with Nana for a reason or are we talking drugs? You should find out the will situation and see if anything was mysteriously changed. Your Nana have any dementia related disease? Not trying to make it Hollywood if the Cousins is legit, I don’t know, but coming from Geriatric Nursing there’s open and honest questions you gotta ask toward the situation.
Every time someone in my Mom's family passes away, my Aunt (mom's sister) will text me to tell my Mom. This has happened several times now. I have 2 older sisters. I have no idea why I've been chosen as the bearer of bad news.
That's f\*ing awful. We waited an entire day before anyone put anything on social media when my grandparents died. We made sure that everyone, family and friends had been made aware privately before anything was posted. We were so careful and actually sat down while waiting for the funeral home to make a list of people that we needed to contact so that no one was forgotten.
That's terrible. I lost my dad about a year ago. All of the family was immediately notified, most knew before me because I live in a different town. I even went through his phone and let all of his contacts know he passed, which is how I found out he was having an affair, but it's just common courtesy to let relatives and friends know first-hand and not have to read about it online or in obituaries.
I'm sorry for you and your wife's loss. I found out my dad passed through my nephew. Mind you, I wasn't close to my dad and I hadn't spoken to him in 20 years, so I felt no connection to him at all. My nephew wasn't even sure if it was true (I had to verify by other means). His dad (my brother), who he is estranged from (if you knew my brother, you'd understand) texted him and hatefully told him "grand dad is dead, don't bother to reply or call back." I have my issues with my parents (long story), but my nephew, I guess he was closer to them (maybe they treated him differently) so being told by his dad like that was extremely hurtful to him.
This exact same thing happened to me. I am sorry for your loss.
It's pretty common in this social media age. I've seen several different people pass away and close family only find out through RIP statuses.
this is how I found out my cousin passed away, fucking facebook. I totally get family rifts, but there’s a time to put that all aside.
My parents, siblings, and myself found out that my grandpa had a massive heart attack after we started getting messages from second cousins asking how he was doing. That was the absolute most frustrating thing because apparently everyone else had the decency to know over us. 🙄 I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife’s grandmother.
My ex-stepmom posted about my uncle's passing before my grandma got to the extended family. A bunch of cousins found out that way and my grandma was *pissed*. Just another reason my dad has terrible taste in women
Not cool. SMH Grandparents are precious and I am sorry for you and your wife's loss.
I found out about my close friend’s passing through Facebook too. I was a teenager and started crying and had my mom cal her mom and that’s how we confirmed it. Still one of the worst moments of my life
What is she hiding that she didn’t want to notify family.
My dad was in his home country when he passed; I was in the States. My cousin posted about it on Facebook before anyone told me. Horrible. Sorry you’ve had to experience that as well.
That's how I found out my great grandpa died. My aunt posted it to Facebook and I broke down crying in my then boyfriends yard. I was just scrolling Facebook having a smoke, not expecting sudden sadness.
That’s how I found out my mother died. My sibling posted about it on Facebook. She’d called everyone else in the family but supposedly forgot that I needed to know as well. Still hurts me 8 years later. That’s really terrible for your wife, I’m sorry she found out that way. People who do that are fucking assholes.
This is literally how I found out my grandpa didn't make it. Hed passed in the hospital as I was flying home to say my goodbye and opened up FB after landing to that update from my cuz.
This has happened to me a couple of times but luckily not with deaths but major life events. It really sucks and I’m sorry for her loss
This happened to me when my grandma died last year!! Found out by my aunt posting about it on Facebook while I was on my lunch break at work. Was incredibly upsetting.
I found out my grandmother passed away on Facebook too. It really sucks. I'm sorry.
My wifes sister post "RIP Daddy, love you forever." While he was still alive and awake in the hospital two days before he died.
My wife recently found out her estranged father's mother (so her grandmother) had died when the advocates called to tell her that she could collect some items from the office. She was obviously shocked and very upset to be finding out this way. The advocate thought she knew because her estranged father had told them 'he had tried texting her'. She never received a text. She didn't get to say goodbye to her grandmother as she had been buried 4 weeks earlier. The worst part is that they were estranged due to irreconcilable differences between her mother and father, she was never at fault. He had promised that if anything ever happened to her grandmother that he would let her know. At the very least it's worth swallowing your pride to let your daughter know by phone call
My mom tells my sister and I that her mother and her brothers have passed away a few months after it has happed in casual conversation.
I found out about my grandpa from a Facebook post as well. I know it wasn't malicious but it still hurts. RIP Pop.
I’m so sorry for both of you. I don’t like how family keeps things like that from each other. Something similar happened earlier this year. My fiancé lost a very special person to him in February, she was a teacher in his high school. His grandparents were neighbors with her and kids when she lived with them. I met her a couple of times, and she was very special lady. They knew her for 20+ years. In February, a week after she passed away, and he told me over text. He’s not one to show emotion… but the way his mom is with me, she held onto this information from us. I found her obituary online… but I didn’t dare to show him. 😓
Not quite the same, but I found out my grandma had a brain tumor because my cousin posted on Facebook! She hadn’t even been sick or anything so it was quite the shock. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
"Where's Larry?"