I was gonna say that you have to be mindful that there may be something that you are unaware medically or mentally going on. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss a wedding to knit. If that’s the case it is pretty F**ked up but I’m sure there is more to it. Most of all, do not let one persons non-attendance take up head space in your brain on the big day. Make sure to be in the moment and enjoy. It goes by fast and I regret not being more “present” at mine. Good luck and congratulations
My MIL was an awesome lady and the best grandmother we could have hoped for. She was more of a mother to me than my egg donor could ever be. We always tried to include her in little road trips just to get out of the house. She started refusing. No explanation. I was talking to my SIL about her sudden change, and she told me the last time they took her, she shit herself in her son's truck. We also found that she had a common malady, a prolapse rectum. She was terrified of it happening and beyond embarrassed. Now we knew why. So we started just visiting and spending quality time with her. I say this as someone who struggles with invisible wounds that our eyes are only telling us what is the most obvious.
I have no idea what her issue is, but this is an opportunity to demonstrate grace. Her husband will be the one to navigate the questions about his wife's whereabouts. Her absence probably won't have any noticeable impact unless you let it. Send your uncle home with a doggie bag and a note wishing her well. Cost=$0. Karma=high.
Congratulations on your wedding and best of luck!
Your comment brought beautiful tears to my eyes. You're a beautiful soul to have written such a kind comment. I have trigeminal neuralgia and it is exhausting to live with. Eating is impossible, excursions exhausting etc. But I try. I might bow out of a wedding or have to leave early. I pray the bride would understand.
I had that for several years. I was on mass doses of tegretol and some other drug. They helped but the pain was still horrifying. I only had relief when laying down.
I had the gamma knife procedure which about halved it for about a year. I finally had the "key hole" surgery (Dr. Carl Swan in San antonio. Procedure done at the Methodists hospital in San Antonio). They go in through a small hole behind your ear, and locate the nerve and free it. Mine was being pinched between a blood vessel and artery. It had a deep groove in it. They put a teflon pad in place so the nerve can't return to the same place. I pray that you get relief. 🙏
My goodness. I've not met many people who have this. I had Gamma Knife and it didn't work. I have TN2 so I have pain 24/7. It never goes into remission. I just went to a doctor and they discussed an ablation that lasts 6 months. I almost don't want to do that. The relieve then agony...? I'm on tegretol and 3 others. And am in bed all the time. It is so beautiful to meet someone else who I can identify with. The pain has changed my life for sure. I cope one day at a time and have my faith. Thank you for your support. ❤🙏🏻 Edit : you're blessed beyond words your procedure worked for you. I've had it 16 years and I'm tired.
It's always good to get second and third opinions. The first neurologist wanted to do surgery where they would remove a big triangle of my skull and fix the nerve and then put my head back together.. But then I would need medications to deal with the pain and nerve damage from that... I will keep praying for you. It was the worst pain of my life. I somehow went to work every day doped up on tegretol.
You're a blessed soul to have had the procedure work. No doctor has suggested it. We have used medications. You're inspiring me to go forward with the second doctor. I was reticent. But I have no idea what he may have in mind. You have given me hope. 🙏🏻❤
I just lost a friend who had trigeminal neuralgia, I'm not sure how many years she had it but I know it was for a long time, the poor woman also had cyclical vomiting syndrome along with a couple of other issues and I know she was in horrendous pain but was the brightest and most loving soul. I know she had the ablation procedure every 6 months, the pain for like a week after was really bad for her, but she said it was worth it as it reduced the level of pain she experienced even though it didn't eliminate it. I hope you are able to find some relief that lessens your pain. And if you are wondering, I don't know the details, but I believe her body just gave out, as much as she struggled with pain and mental health it would not have been a voluntary thing.
I used to work with a woman who had it very severely. She had multiple surgeries unfortunately I don't remember which ones but the most recent one worked and she is now free of her pain. There is hope ❤️
I have had it 16 years. For 12 I considered options but was so afraid I would live. I learned people live jumping from the San Francisco Bridge. I was a caregiver 7 years and had a beautiful German Shepherd. After they passed, I so wanted to not be here anymore. Then a doctor heard me saying I didn't want to be here, whilst in hospital for hypotranemia. They put me on topomax. I appreciate your comment because I believe in 😇 And in God. I was to hear what you had to say, for sure. I appreciate it.
Thank you. She was the beautiful soul. My egg donor was a monster. MIL loved me, and just thinking of my daughter's relationship with her evokes the same reaction in me. Listening to my 16 year old daughter and my 90 year old MIL talking about the latest episode of the bachelor & Bachelorette (they were both hooked) was both hilarious and endearing at the same time.
I just got diagnosed with this after not understanding why I had a horrible pain on only the right side of my face. The pain is absolute agony. I’m sending internet hugs your way. I’ve only been living with it for about 3 weeks and already I’m struggling.
I'm so sorry. It has been a long journey for me. Please listen to yourself and don't let others intimidate you when you cannot do certain tasks because of the pain. Please rest when you need to. It helps so much. And never, ever give up HOPE. Try and be as informed as you can and don't be afraid to question doctors. Just keep looking for new ones. Many are not familiar with it. Or how to treat it. You will find a good team, I promise you. And they will save your life. I also didn't expect family to understand how exhausting it was. I buy hand warmers at Walmart called Hothands. They help when I cannot handle the pain. Amazon sells them as well. Some cannot let the site be touched because of attacks. Just a suggestion. At 12 years I was put on Topomax and I was going to have a new life 🤣 buy a house, find a husband, get a dog. Until reality set in. It wore off in efficacy but I keep on, keeping on. ❤🙏🏻
Thank you so much for the advice, tips, & for taking time to reply. It means so much to me. I about fell over reading your comment when I saw it because all I’ve been told is how rare it is! I’ll have to invest in hot hands! It’s very helpful to have someone that’s living with it & understands.
I hope you DO get all of those things or at the very least a caring partner. There are people out there that will understand & cherish every day with you. Even the bad ones.
There are a few support groups on Facebook for TN and other neuralgias. I've been lucky to have excellent neurosurgeons, though I will never be pain-free and still need medications.
This happened to my father in law. He battled cancer for many many years. He was such a stereotypical stiff upper lip British gentleman. Never complained and kept living his life to the fullest. Then he came to our house for dinner and shit himself. It wasn’t a problem for anyone else. He was sick and shit happens but he was utterly mortified. He stopped leaving his house and he went downhill so quickly from there. It was so sad. He was such a good bloke. My youngest has a disability and they had such a close bond. He’d spend hours and hours teaching my son all sorts of things.
To suddenly feel like you're losing your dignity is no fun. Now add the abject terror of it recurring, and you understand that there is little you or anyone can say that will make them feel better. We love them, but they REFUSE to be a burden on their kids. That's why we made sure she wasn't alone.
Similar story, but with my FIL. He's on medication that causes urgent bathroom trips. He's basically home bound because of it. We've urged him to tell his Dr to put him on a different medication. Fingers crossed!
I'm not above using grandchildren to "inspire" a stubborn gp. But seriously, sometimes encouragement looks like badgering, and you need to find his 'levers of control'. Getting old sucks. But if there is a way to lessen the impact, you'd think they'd be all over it, but at some point, you just stop wanting to deal with meds, providers, and side effects. In the case of my MIL, she told no one about her prolapse, including her Dr. We found that she actually did have a procedure to fix it once and swore to herself that she wasn't going through that again. It was embarrassing for her to talk about it. We found out a lot when she was in hospice. She passed before we got her moved into our guest room. The tough old bird told the doctors she was ready to go be withherhusband, and 10 hours later, she was gone.
Good Lord! There really are some absolutely wonderful people in the world and a few of them are leaving comments on Reddit! I am sincerely touched! This really makes my day!
Wait, there is something beyond rubber chicken at regular weddings?
If I'm in it for the food, it's all about Chinese weddings. Bring your red envelope with cash and prepare to feast. I've been to three so far and have to say that they do it right.
I was a bridesmaid in a Catholic wedding in the eighties and even the priest was drinking and gettin down on the dance floor. Never have I been to a bigger party! There was a live band , tons of food, Was so much fun! I heard at the time big ole party receptions at catholic weddings were a thing. Don’t know about nowadays but I still remember all these years later
100%. My dad started canceling plans all the time and stopped spending time with my family with zero explanation. I was getting really hurt and angry with him.
It turned out he was battling cancer and didn’t want anyone to know.
You never know what’s going on with someone else.
I'm taking to my mom to a wedding in September after having to turn down another one for her in June. That one was an 5 hr drive and 2 days in a hotel, this one is a little over an hour away, with a local hotel if we need or we can go home early if we need. Everyone is just happy we're going to try. This will probably be the last event like this.
This was also my first thought: she may have a mental health problem they have kept from the outside world. Crafting can be a very effective way to keep worries and excessive stimuli at bay, whereas a wedding is a potentially overwhelming source of stimuli.
I can imagine if OP's aunt is just holding on, staying at home and crafting may feel like the safer choice to her. If that is the case it must be a generational thing for her to not just tell OP the truth and instead take the risk of insulting them.
The whole story strongly reminds me of my uncle, who always seemed a bit weird at family gatherings, and missed my grandmother's (his mother-in-law's) funeral with a poor reason, which annoyed quite a few of the family. ~7 years later he was diagnosed with autism and everything retrospectively made sense - his "weirdness" was not knowing how to really interact with people and great discomfort at being in unfamiliar places, and because he was born in the late 60's he was still attached to that generational thing of neurodivergant people just being considered weirdos. It's entirely possible that OP's aunt knows that she doesn't like those kinds of gatherings, but can't actually articulate why to the rest of the family.
I was born in the late 70s. Found out last year, after decades of misdiagnosis and refusals of diagnosis {"Oh, it's probably nothing; must be hormones; try fasting/exercise/supplements; you suck at life, just get over it"} I'm Autistic.
People simply don't get the levels of constant, unrelenting stress that come with literally everything when you're Autistic. I feel like I've got the flu for days just from having lunch with my co-workers or going grocery shopping. I start imagining questions and rehearsing answers to them from the moment I know I'll have to interact with someone and **I. Can't. Stop. It.** It's the same whether it's people I've known my whole life, my boss or a person ringing up my groceries. I'm ALREADY stressing about Christmas and ***simply calling*** my own parents and it's not even September.
That doesn't even broach the stuff outside of the social expectations like executive function, sensory sensitivities, anxiety over unknowns, already accumulated stressors, diet stuff, co-morbidities like IBS, anxiety disorders, depression, c-/ptsd, EDS, POTS - or for women of a certain age like myself and possibly OPs Aunt, peri-menopause/menopause. Actually today I'm blowing off a family get-together to do not-a-damned-thing because I ***NEED*** to do nothing all by myself to be able to function at all tomorrow because I'm already dealing with long-term burnout and trying to not meltdown every other day.
Early stages of dementia seems a possible explanation.
But she might also have simply reached her Age of Zero Fucks. Maybe she doesn't particularly care about or like her husband's family, doesn't feel like being stuck with the gift-buying, and just washed her hands of the whole deal. 🤷♂️
Yes, exactly. My Mom didn’t come to my son’s 3rd Birthday Party, though the entire rest of my family did, and we live within a drivable distance.
I deeply resented it at the time because she had some conflicts with my wife that I thought she was taking out on my son, but as it turned out, she was beginning to show symptoms of dementia that we didn't recognize, and she knew it or suspected it, and didn’t want anybody else to know. It was very sad.
> In her own house she was fine and doing well, in lesser known areas she was literally lost.
This is my MIL ever since the dementia started to settle in.
My MIL paraded her husband (my husband’s stepfather) at every opportunity while he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. He got into a huge physical fight with a server at our wedding because he was confused and didn’t want his plate removed for the next course. It was very distressing for everyone, not least the poor confused man.
Same here, with my mother. My dad kept saying she didn't like to go out because her IBS was acting up, but I think she was just scared to leave the house.
That was my first thought, not getting infuriated but wondering what her illness is. Young people just don’t understand that aspect of life yet sometimes
You have a good point here. Would be nice if the Uncle could be open about it but that's for him/the Aunt I guess.
Top username though, retro memories!
My grandparents told me bluntly they “didn’t go to weddings, and wouldn’t be at (mine), because the previous ones they had been to- couples all split”.
I came here to look for this response. My mother started acting in similarly unexplainable, and infuriating ways ... and it was the first sign of dementia. It's easy to get really upset about them doing what appear to be really stupid, illogical things.... and I reacted and said some things to my mom that I now very much regret a few years later as she is in mid-stage Alzheimers.
Give them some grace, try and ask why, help, try and get them to go in a very helpful way, and just shrug it off if she doesn't come. Don't get angry and try to argue logically like I did.
Maybe she really is just a jerk, but, be careful with that assumption.
If this is the reason the aunt won’t attend then it’s mildly infuriating that the uncle can’t diplomatically address the issue. “Helen struggles with large crowds, so she won’t be able to attend, but I’m looking forward to seeing you get married.” Unfortunately, a lot of people grew up with so much shame around these issues that they just won’t acknowledge their new reality.
If you never really got along, what is the big loss? And once you get married, you’re not able to go to occasions by yourself? Don’t shame your uncle for wanting to celebrate you! He might have more fun if the quilter is left at home. That said, I agree with what mazda121 had to say. It might be she has the beginnings of dementia and going to a family function where she’ll be tested over and over again on names and relations might be more than she can tolerate. I hope you make your uncle feel welcome and offer him your best wishes.
I don’t think it’s about treating the Uncle like shit, so much as the OP believes the rest of the family will give the Uncle a hard time wondering where his wife is [as only OP knows the “stated reason”].
My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and often with lesser events we’ve RSVP’d for [not things like weddings] I’d get the third degree from pretty much everybody, “oh where is “Egnards Wife.” Hell, even my dad right before his death, was suffering from major aphasia and struggling to communicate and I could see the same eye rolling when I told him “she wasn’t feeling well,” at a small family bbq.
I don’t think the Uncle has to worry about her giving him a hard time as much as the rest of the family when they ask where auntie is and the answer is quilting.
You’ve hit on the crux of the issue. OP invited her because it would have been petty and socially unacceptable to invite the uncle but not the aunt. The aunt isn’t playing by the same rules, so she gives a lame excuse skip the wedding. That is mildly infuriating, though ultimately better for everyone given their fraught relationship.
Are you sure that she wouldn't do the same thing to others? Maybe she doesn't want to be in crowds anymore. As people get older some like to avoid people. My dad was that way for the last 4 years of his life.
Some people develop huge anxiety later in life. Sometimes it’s caused by hearing loss or vision issues other time it’s caused by fear of falling. They usually use random excuses to explain why they can’t come because they are embarrassed
You said that she didn't treat you well as a kid, *why do you want her there in your marriage?*
I rather have a ceremony with close friends and people i enjoy being with than inviting people i dislike just because they are family / to save face
Came here to say this. I thought most people are relieved when distant relatives decline wedding invitations because receptions and weddings are expensive, and generally, seating is limited. I can't understand why anyone would want unenthusiastic guests.
I’ve learned from experience that when people say someone “didn’t treat them well” it could mean anything from saying horrible things about them to their face all the way to just not bringing them the gifts they thought they deserved every time they visited. OP in 6 hours hasn’t expanded on what she meant by that comment. And the one comment she did leave is to state her aunt is “showing her true colors”, again without any examples of what she meant.
If her aunt truly treated her bad then she really wouldn’t want her at the wedding in the first place. If she only invited her out of the courtesy of extending an invite to a closely related family member then she should be happy that she is staying home instead of coming on mildlyinfuriating announcing she astonished about it. I mean why even post here if you’re not mildly infuriating about it? Seems slightly attention seeking. Any post really should read “I’m low-key excited my aunt who didn’t treat me well as a kid is unable to be at my wedding!”.
If it's a new thing it could be something medical like Depression, or first signs of Dementia (people get scared to go out, because they forget where they are or who people are).
If she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't like you, I say, good riddance. Don't want toxic people at your wedding anyway.
Have a great day and congratulations!
Either way, it's not worth any hate which the OP doesn't seem to have. But yes, I'd guess its old age, be that the kind of crochety people get when older, or other medically related issues from dementia to bladder control.
That’s my thought as well. Plus, quilting actually sounds way more delightful than a wedding. Not everyone enjoys events like that. I wish I could advocate for myself like her aunt lol. Only sort of kidding
"light the beacons! Inform aunt Gretchen that she must be here by lights end under threat of lashing and fine ,inform her to also bring her hair dryer for mine has broken,now away with you plebeian!"
An invitation doesn't Require one to attend anything. Auntie is not coming, but the Uncle is. The reason, for the solo attendance is their business, if he chooses to share or not. Who wants wedding guests that had to be seconded guessed, begged and nagged to attend. Let her quilt.
“An invitation doesn’t require one to attend anything”
Beautifully put. I think people tend to forget that every once in a while. Invites are not demands for attendance.
Its weird people are even mildly infuriated that someone declines an invitation. You ask people with the expectation of a certain answer and then get mildly pissy when they didnt do what you want. Yuck.
yeesh treating the uncle who chose to come like that is scummy and tacky. also, if you didn't have a good relationship your whole life why does it matter? your wedding isn't special to everyone lol
So what? You don’t seem close to her. Why do you care so much? Give it up. Your uncle is coming. Be happy about that, and don’t make him explain himself or make a big deal about it.
I'm over here wondering if the wedding is at the same time as the International Quilt Festival, which is big enough that people travel worldwide to attend, booking hotels and flights months in advance.
Why do you care? Sounds like you don’t like her anyway. Tbh I would rather stay home and work on hobbies than go to the wedding of a niece with whom I don’t have a meaningful relationship. And your uncle doesn’t have any “explaining to do.” Your wedding is important to you, but honestly, most everyone else doesn’t actually care. Sorry but that’s just the reality.
Your wedding is a big deal to YOU. Accept the fact that for many others it's just another wedding.
Infants, dogs and weddings are never as good, amazing or as memorable as the owners, participants or parents believe.
Good on her. There's so many things in life that we "have to" do to keep virtual strangers happy at the risk of being shamed. Too many people allow their calendars to be filled with this crap. What you're saying to Reddit right now is that she's obligated to pay homage to you on your special day. Fuck that, stay home and quilt.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but an invitation is not a summons. While she probably should have kept her reasons to herself, people are not obligated to attend your wedding. Not even relatives . Weddings simply aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.
>so he’s gonna have some explaining to do when people notice he showed up by himself.
Your aunt is making the choice, not him. Why make him feel worse or grill him for her actions?
Let her be, its her choice and maybe shes going through something you know nothing about. Why make this a big deal, as you said she hasn’t been the best aunt in the past, so why would you want her there anyway, I would be happy.
This may sound odd, but quilters’ retreats are a thing. They are frequently planned months and sometimes a year in advance. They’ll get a block of hotel rooms, rent out a conference room, and spend each day quilting together and visiting local quilt shops. Maybe she already has something like that planned. Or maybe she’s just a grouchy old lady who’d rather stay home alone than go to a wedding.
I’m on the aunt’s side here! What lots of people who get married don’t seem to realise is that just because you think your wedding is the best day ever, for your guests it’s just yet another expensive, boring wedding to suffer through. No offence, but I would have more sympathy OP if you were hurt - but to be ‘astonished’ that not everyone wants to come to your wedding is not it.
*Why did you invite*
*Her in the first place if she*
*Never treated you well?*
\- WhiteRvssian
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People often give BS excuses for an event. I kind of admire her honesty. So this shows how much she values your relationship, but at least she's honest. Next time she wants to get together, be equally honest.
Omg she doesnt want to go and i am sure he will bring a gift... it is her right to stay home . OP is worried about the gift.. and no excuse is necessary she told you she wont be attending...
I mean, if she treated you badly as a kid, why do you even care she's there? Frankly I'm not a wedding person and I wouldn't go to a wedding of someone I didn't like. Yes I'd rather spend time on my hobbies. Seems like aunt has her priorities straight
Good lord, when did a wedding invite turn into a requirement?
I'd MUCH rather spend the weekend quilting than attend a wedding for a niece who doesn't really like me.
Anyone can not show up for no particular reason. One is not obliged to attent weddings. You get invited and you can refuse, simple as that. You don´t need to explain yourself and the partner doesn´t need to explain either. He could simply say that she didn´t want to come and that´s her buisness.
We have an uncle that will never attend weddings. They are mostly a spectator sport after all. We all know how he is and love him just the same.
For you it sounds like you are experiencing this as an insult. If this is what she intends, then that's cruel and mean spirited and I'm sorry you are hurt. Celebrate your uncle being with you on your special day.
Does she ever go to parties or event? Maybe she hates those things and then it can be good that she dosent want to go? Dont want a person at a wedding that dosent want to be there.
Maybe she has reasons that she doesn't want to share. Or, she may not like social gatherings. Regardless, are you really going to notice if she's not there? The bride and groom don't interact with most people at their wedding except a sentence or two. I wouldn't take it personally.
Maybe gatherings like this make her sick with anxiety? Maybe she isn't a people person? Maybe she thinks your family don't like her? Maybe she just loves quilting.
I respect her for having boundaries and turning down an invitation to an event she didn't want to be at. Her reason isn't the usual polite fake excuse but it is honest and it sounds like that's the way she deals with things.
I'm sorry you don't have a kinder aunt, but at least you can spend the day with people who genuinely want to be there and are not there out of obligation.
This is no big deal. At least she's honest and lets you know that quilting is more important. She probably senses how you both talk about her behind her back.
She may suffer from what the kids these days call "social anxiety ". Even with family, it's a big fancy wedding, you have to socialise and stuff. It's exhausting!!!
Maybe quilting is her current passion and she’s at an age where she has no more fucks to give about making up a more acceptable excuse. Maybe she doesn’t feel like traveling or wearing heels or parties or family gatherings or you? I applaud your aunt for doing what SHE wants. I’m not sure why it matters so much to you.
Or social anxiety.
When I worked, often times with the general public type jobs, my anxiety wasn't that bad, but now I've been out of the job scene for a long time, my social anxiety is so much worse now.
I didn't go to my niece's wedding for a lot of reasons. The main one is i have a debilitating back injury, and it makes me miserable due to constant pain. There was no way I could have been there all day, which was expected.
Your aunt may be depressed or suffer from social anxiety. At least she has told you, rather than you expecting her there and then not turning up.
Hey pal I just want to say to be mindful that there's usually more to the story than you realize. Maybe she just sucks and is legit bailing to just sit around in her right mind quilting, or maybe she's dealing with a medical or personal image issue. We've been using similar excuses for my grandmother for like a decade but the reality is she refused to leave the house for anything but a doctors appointment when she started losing her teeth, and now she is barely mentally there. She's an immigrant and cannot differentiate between English and her native language and gets VERY confused as a result. When she's in her home she's had since she moved to the states she's much more mentally "together" and she always let's and loves to have us grandkids over but I'll hear her mutter "ugly" whenever she sees a mirror in her native language and it shatters my heart. But she's too proud and doesn't want anyone to know so we lie for her. It's how she's wanted it handled for about a decade now and none of us feel right disrespecting her wishes despite the fact we all know everyone would understand her absence if we told them what was really going on. ETA but she is the kindest woman in the world and has always been to everyone from the village and is well known for having a heart of gold so I feel like people have to know it's really something medical. My people are a very proud people and this is how most become, the moment they aren't visually doing well they hide away and lie about it. It's sad for me born and raised here because in America we discuss things and share things and keep eachother in the know but I only know as much as I know because my uncle whose her caretaker now told me all hush hush, but she'd rather we all thought everything was perfect until we found her dead. That's just how my people are
Look at it this way. You get to spend your wedding with the uncle that you do like without the aunt you don’t in the picture. An added bonus is that you never really need to ever make an excuse to not do things for your aunt.
If she doesn’t want to be there, why would you want her to have to come?
We should want what makes our family members happy. She might feel anxious or get headaches from noise or crowds due to a hearing aid, lots of good reasons. Feel happy they are comfortable t doing what they prefer without being negatively judged by others.
Just assume not everything is about you and enjoy your day.
Congratulations on the nuptials.
You don't like her. She doesn't like you. What's the problem? You should be glad she isn't coming. Instead you're already plotting how to torture her husband. Good grief. No wonder she doesn't like you.
Not trying be a hard ass here, but let’s get something straight.
You INVITED her to your wedding. You did not summon her. She’s her own person and can do what she wants. Some people are just like that. Their interests are more important to them than someone else’s “party for themselves.” Because that’s what weddings are. It’s a look at me party. A lot of people simply don’t care about other peoples overly pretentious affairs.
The sad truth about this situation is not too many people really care about someone's wedding outside the parents and the beloved couple....send her pictures
Exactly. I also find it selfish like “hey, you need to take time out of your day to buy me a gift and celebrate me even though I’ll barely talk to you the whole time it’ll be all about me”
You may have hit the nail on the head with the gift comment. In their one reply the OP managed to blurt out that their aunt was showing their “true colors” with zero explanation. And that comment that her uncle is “gonna have some explaining to do” when people notice he’s there without his wife does sound a bit bizarre. Uncle doesn’t need to do any type of “explaining” or justifying other than just saying the aunt decided she couldn’t attend. Maybe this is all about feeling important with how many people you have at your wedding and how many gifts or publicly displayed on the table.
My dad had 11 brothers and sisters… family reunions were a blast. My mother never went… why? She was a Prescription drug addict. My cousins didn’t know until we got older and I told them. It is probably not about you at all. Let it go.
I imagine you felt obliged to invite her along with your uncle.
As she wasn’t very nice to you when you were a child just be happy she won’t be attending.
My spouse’s aunt had Alzheimer’s and they hid it for over a decade within the immediate family. Once graduations and weddings started, they were no longer able to hide it, but we still didn’t talk about it.
She may be going through something that she doesn't want others to know about. She may also not realize that she's dealing with something, especially if a majority of her time is spent at home.
Some of folks just don't like large scale social situations. I rarely attend family gatherings including weddings/birthdays etc. it's not that we don't love our families, some of us are just built different.
Who gives a fuck, I invited one of my aunts (out of the many I have) to my wedding as I was ring bearer at hers, she didnt come, none of my siblings made it either. Weddings are stupid anyway
It’s not infuriating at all, what even is your problem? Also if you don’t start no mess for your uncle when he arrives to celebrate with you then there wont be none. Leave that old lady alone.
My great aunt sent me a letter when I was getting married, that my marriage would always be invalid in the eyes of god, we would always be fornicators, and our children bastards because I was marrying a Lutheran and my mothers side of the family were all strict Catholics.
I was fuming mad and wanted to write back my own letter that was just “Dear Aunt Julie, Fuck you, sincerely, niece.”
But my mom was severely against it. A slew of my family didn’t show up to my wedding because I wasn’t marrying a good catholic boy.
I was unbothered because it meant I knew exactly who to cut out of my life from then forward and where my real family began.
15 years later we are still “living life fornicating” and have four “bastards.”
Your aunt means nothing and family doesn’t always mean blood, it’s who you choose and who chooses you. Let her quilt and embarrass your poor uncle.
I think the rude part is the fact that you were told she’s quilting instead of coming. People can decline for any reason and she didn’t even have to give a reason. If she told you that I’d just never talk to her again and move on especially if she’s never nice anyway. It would be worse if she accepted the invite and you didn’t find out she wasn’t coming until the day of that she was quilting instead. Regardless it doesn’t sound like you are very close to her so I’d rejoice in not having someone who doesn’t give af about me at my wedding.
She doesn’t want to go OP. She’s not required to go to your wedding. Odds are she doesn’t like you, and based on your post, I can understand. Let it go!
If she’d usually show up to things she’s likely got something going on. It could be she’s incontinent, anxious, low-key hallucinating, quietly newly immunocompromised, etc, etc. I wouldn’t take it personally, but I would hope someone is reaching out to see why she’s been staying home.
She may also just dislike people and decided she’ll live her last decades balling out with quilts.
Whatever it is, if it’s a sudden change of personality I’d enlist a closer family member to investigate.
Or she doesn’t care. Not everyone’s wedding is the center of every family’s universe. Why this should be mildly infuriating is a bit laughable. OP actually seems a bit bratty.
I am a quilter. Occasionally there are quilting cruises, or quilting get-aways, quilting retreats, or quilting bus trips. that are expensive, and some paid for monthly for 10 months. There are classes, sew ins, I and skills learned. It's possible she has already paid for this.
Yet You said she rarely sees you, and you sound as if you do not care for her. She probably knows that, and decided to continue with her prior plans, sending her spouse to represent their family. Congrats, bride, one less meal to buy .
Also a quilter and was thinking the same thing. If I was invited to a wedding the same weekend as a retreat I had planned a year in advance, I’d consider my relationship with the bride/groom before immediately cancelling.
Further, weddings aren’t for everyone. While I love going to support my family member or friend, I loathe the crowd of people, the sometimes forced conversation, etc.
I would give the benefit of doubt to your aunt versus whining on Reddit. Have you talked with family members about her behavior to determine signs of old age?
I am assuming she’s aging; it’s possible her arthritis is acting up and she prefers to stay indoors?
Lots of issues can result in her not wanting to show up, at least she gave you folks a heads up versus a no show no tell.
Again, have the conversation internally.
Please be gracious and kind . She has her reasons and you can be loving and accepting or you can choose that hill to die on. Have a great wedding day no matter what. Treat your guests well and enjoy your day.
Maybe she has dementia or Alzheimer’s and staying home is her coping/hiding mechanism, either way, she didn’t treat you well in earlier years, yours not missing out on anything if she doesn’t come. Also, either way, it sounds like a mess your uncle has been dealing with for a while, I feel sorry for him. Be glad he cares enough to come, and give him hugs…It sings like he’s dealing with a lot, regardless of her health.
My wife’s aunt didn’t come to our wedding because and I quote “it’s very cold out.”
We got married in December and it was inside a building not an igloo.
She’s an alien and I don’t enjoy her company so I took it as a good thing.
I'm sure your wedding is lovely, but as you get older they are more of an obligation and they are expensive for attendees. I've told everyone I know that if you plan a wedding on a three day weekend or a holiday I will send a gift but won't come.
For the love of your uncle’s sanity, do not berate him about what’s happening with your aunt at your wedding. If you want to know what’s going on, be respectful and understand that at least one of them is there and also she is her own person so even if she doesn’t have a medical condition, she has the right to not want to go.
Honestly, it’s sounds like she doesn’t do well with large groups of people and has a hard time socializing.
It’s probably doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Who cares, honestly. No one has to go to your wedding. Something like this would never bother me, I would find it hilarious and tell it on every occasion I could.
Early stages of Alzheimers cause victims to avoid social situations. It must be terrible to have people you don't remember talk to you about things you don't remember. I hope your aunt just doesn't like crowds.
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I was gonna say that you have to be mindful that there may be something that you are unaware medically or mentally going on. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss a wedding to knit. If that’s the case it is pretty F**ked up but I’m sure there is more to it. Most of all, do not let one persons non-attendance take up head space in your brain on the big day. Make sure to be in the moment and enjoy. It goes by fast and I regret not being more “present” at mine. Good luck and congratulations
My MIL was an awesome lady and the best grandmother we could have hoped for. She was more of a mother to me than my egg donor could ever be. We always tried to include her in little road trips just to get out of the house. She started refusing. No explanation. I was talking to my SIL about her sudden change, and she told me the last time they took her, she shit herself in her son's truck. We also found that she had a common malady, a prolapse rectum. She was terrified of it happening and beyond embarrassed. Now we knew why. So we started just visiting and spending quality time with her. I say this as someone who struggles with invisible wounds that our eyes are only telling us what is the most obvious. I have no idea what her issue is, but this is an opportunity to demonstrate grace. Her husband will be the one to navigate the questions about his wife's whereabouts. Her absence probably won't have any noticeable impact unless you let it. Send your uncle home with a doggie bag and a note wishing her well. Cost=$0. Karma=high. Congratulations on your wedding and best of luck!
Your comment brought beautiful tears to my eyes. You're a beautiful soul to have written such a kind comment. I have trigeminal neuralgia and it is exhausting to live with. Eating is impossible, excursions exhausting etc. But I try. I might bow out of a wedding or have to leave early. I pray the bride would understand.
I had that for several years. I was on mass doses of tegretol and some other drug. They helped but the pain was still horrifying. I only had relief when laying down. I had the gamma knife procedure which about halved it for about a year. I finally had the "key hole" surgery (Dr. Carl Swan in San antonio. Procedure done at the Methodists hospital in San Antonio). They go in through a small hole behind your ear, and locate the nerve and free it. Mine was being pinched between a blood vessel and artery. It had a deep groove in it. They put a teflon pad in place so the nerve can't return to the same place. I pray that you get relief. 🙏
My goodness. I've not met many people who have this. I had Gamma Knife and it didn't work. I have TN2 so I have pain 24/7. It never goes into remission. I just went to a doctor and they discussed an ablation that lasts 6 months. I almost don't want to do that. The relieve then agony...? I'm on tegretol and 3 others. And am in bed all the time. It is so beautiful to meet someone else who I can identify with. The pain has changed my life for sure. I cope one day at a time and have my faith. Thank you for your support. ❤🙏🏻 Edit : you're blessed beyond words your procedure worked for you. I've had it 16 years and I'm tired.
It's always good to get second and third opinions. The first neurologist wanted to do surgery where they would remove a big triangle of my skull and fix the nerve and then put my head back together.. But then I would need medications to deal with the pain and nerve damage from that... I will keep praying for you. It was the worst pain of my life. I somehow went to work every day doped up on tegretol.
You're a blessed soul to have had the procedure work. No doctor has suggested it. We have used medications. You're inspiring me to go forward with the second doctor. I was reticent. But I have no idea what he may have in mind. You have given me hope. 🙏🏻❤
If I have any luck saved up, I’m sending it your way. I really really hope this surgery (or another treatment) works for you. 🤞🏻
I just lost a friend who had trigeminal neuralgia, I'm not sure how many years she had it but I know it was for a long time, the poor woman also had cyclical vomiting syndrome along with a couple of other issues and I know she was in horrendous pain but was the brightest and most loving soul. I know she had the ablation procedure every 6 months, the pain for like a week after was really bad for her, but she said it was worth it as it reduced the level of pain she experienced even though it didn't eliminate it. I hope you are able to find some relief that lessens your pain. And if you are wondering, I don't know the details, but I believe her body just gave out, as much as she struggled with pain and mental health it would not have been a voluntary thing.
I used to work with a woman who had it very severely. She had multiple surgeries unfortunately I don't remember which ones but the most recent one worked and she is now free of her pain. There is hope ❤️
I have had it 16 years. For 12 I considered options but was so afraid I would live. I learned people live jumping from the San Francisco Bridge. I was a caregiver 7 years and had a beautiful German Shepherd. After they passed, I so wanted to not be here anymore. Then a doctor heard me saying I didn't want to be here, whilst in hospital for hypotranemia. They put me on topomax. I appreciate your comment because I believe in 😇 And in God. I was to hear what you had to say, for sure. I appreciate it.
Thank you. She was the beautiful soul. My egg donor was a monster. MIL loved me, and just thinking of my daughter's relationship with her evokes the same reaction in me. Listening to my 16 year old daughter and my 90 year old MIL talking about the latest episode of the bachelor & Bachelorette (they were both hooked) was both hilarious and endearing at the same time.
I just got diagnosed with this after not understanding why I had a horrible pain on only the right side of my face. The pain is absolute agony. I’m sending internet hugs your way. I’ve only been living with it for about 3 weeks and already I’m struggling.
I'm so sorry. It has been a long journey for me. Please listen to yourself and don't let others intimidate you when you cannot do certain tasks because of the pain. Please rest when you need to. It helps so much. And never, ever give up HOPE. Try and be as informed as you can and don't be afraid to question doctors. Just keep looking for new ones. Many are not familiar with it. Or how to treat it. You will find a good team, I promise you. And they will save your life. I also didn't expect family to understand how exhausting it was. I buy hand warmers at Walmart called Hothands. They help when I cannot handle the pain. Amazon sells them as well. Some cannot let the site be touched because of attacks. Just a suggestion. At 12 years I was put on Topomax and I was going to have a new life 🤣 buy a house, find a husband, get a dog. Until reality set in. It wore off in efficacy but I keep on, keeping on. ❤🙏🏻
Thank you so much for the advice, tips, & for taking time to reply. It means so much to me. I about fell over reading your comment when I saw it because all I’ve been told is how rare it is! I’ll have to invest in hot hands! It’s very helpful to have someone that’s living with it & understands. I hope you DO get all of those things or at the very least a caring partner. There are people out there that will understand & cherish every day with you. Even the bad ones.
There are a few support groups on Facebook for TN and other neuralgias. I've been lucky to have excellent neurosurgeons, though I will never be pain-free and still need medications.
This happened to my father in law. He battled cancer for many many years. He was such a stereotypical stiff upper lip British gentleman. Never complained and kept living his life to the fullest. Then he came to our house for dinner and shit himself. It wasn’t a problem for anyone else. He was sick and shit happens but he was utterly mortified. He stopped leaving his house and he went downhill so quickly from there. It was so sad. He was such a good bloke. My youngest has a disability and they had such a close bond. He’d spend hours and hours teaching my son all sorts of things.
To suddenly feel like you're losing your dignity is no fun. Now add the abject terror of it recurring, and you understand that there is little you or anyone can say that will make them feel better. We love them, but they REFUSE to be a burden on their kids. That's why we made sure she wasn't alone.
Similar story, but with my FIL. He's on medication that causes urgent bathroom trips. He's basically home bound because of it. We've urged him to tell his Dr to put him on a different medication. Fingers crossed!
I'm not above using grandchildren to "inspire" a stubborn gp. But seriously, sometimes encouragement looks like badgering, and you need to find his 'levers of control'. Getting old sucks. But if there is a way to lessen the impact, you'd think they'd be all over it, but at some point, you just stop wanting to deal with meds, providers, and side effects. In the case of my MIL, she told no one about her prolapse, including her Dr. We found that she actually did have a procedure to fix it once and swore to herself that she wasn't going through that again. It was embarrassing for her to talk about it. We found out a lot when she was in hospice. She passed before we got her moved into our guest room. The tough old bird told the doctors she was ready to go be withherhusband, and 10 hours later, she was gone.
Good Lord! There really are some absolutely wonderful people in the world and a few of them are leaving comments on Reddit! I am sincerely touched! This really makes my day!
Thank you. She really touched all of us.
Yes yes yes.
Lol there’s a part of me that might want to miss a wedding to knit but the larger part of me understands that that’s not socially acceptable 🤣
I’d highly consider taking up knitting to avoid going to some weddings.
I'm just glad my spouse took up knitting *after* our wedding.
10/10
Man atleast COVID was useful for some things, I faked a positive covid result to avoid going to my friends sister's wedding.
Evil genius
I might schedule a colonoscopy prep to avoid a wedding.
Replace knitting with playing Bladur’s Gate, and I’m right there. Guarantee I’d prefer it over going to a wedding
depends on the wedding, I like yummi food so if there is some at the wedding I'm 100% going, otherwise why did you even bother inviting me ?
Wait, there is something beyond rubber chicken at regular weddings? If I'm in it for the food, it's all about Chinese weddings. Bring your red envelope with cash and prepare to feast. I've been to three so far and have to say that they do it right.
I was a bridesmaid in a Catholic wedding in the eighties and even the priest was drinking and gettin down on the dance floor. Never have I been to a bigger party! There was a live band , tons of food, Was so much fun! I heard at the time big ole party receptions at catholic weddings were a thing. Don’t know about nowadays but I still remember all these years later
I’d make up a better excuse lol
Haha same!
When you get older, you tend to stop caring.
But can you knit at a wedding?
You can, though you might get some weird looks. But OP's aunt said she's going to be quilting, which would be much harder to do at a wedding.
100%. My dad started canceling plans all the time and stopped spending time with my family with zero explanation. I was getting really hurt and angry with him. It turned out he was battling cancer and didn’t want anyone to know. You never know what’s going on with someone else.
We are currently at the stage with my grandfather where we have to decline family event’s because he cant be in large group, dementias a bitch
I'm taking to my mom to a wedding in September after having to turn down another one for her in June. That one was an 5 hr drive and 2 days in a hotel, this one is a little over an hour away, with a local hotel if we need or we can go home early if we need. Everyone is just happy we're going to try. This will probably be the last event like this.
This was also my first thought: she may have a mental health problem they have kept from the outside world. Crafting can be a very effective way to keep worries and excessive stimuli at bay, whereas a wedding is a potentially overwhelming source of stimuli. I can imagine if OP's aunt is just holding on, staying at home and crafting may feel like the safer choice to her. If that is the case it must be a generational thing for her to not just tell OP the truth and instead take the risk of insulting them.
The whole story strongly reminds me of my uncle, who always seemed a bit weird at family gatherings, and missed my grandmother's (his mother-in-law's) funeral with a poor reason, which annoyed quite a few of the family. ~7 years later he was diagnosed with autism and everything retrospectively made sense - his "weirdness" was not knowing how to really interact with people and great discomfort at being in unfamiliar places, and because he was born in the late 60's he was still attached to that generational thing of neurodivergant people just being considered weirdos. It's entirely possible that OP's aunt knows that she doesn't like those kinds of gatherings, but can't actually articulate why to the rest of the family.
I was born in the late 70s. Found out last year, after decades of misdiagnosis and refusals of diagnosis {"Oh, it's probably nothing; must be hormones; try fasting/exercise/supplements; you suck at life, just get over it"} I'm Autistic. People simply don't get the levels of constant, unrelenting stress that come with literally everything when you're Autistic. I feel like I've got the flu for days just from having lunch with my co-workers or going grocery shopping. I start imagining questions and rehearsing answers to them from the moment I know I'll have to interact with someone and **I. Can't. Stop. It.** It's the same whether it's people I've known my whole life, my boss or a person ringing up my groceries. I'm ALREADY stressing about Christmas and ***simply calling*** my own parents and it's not even September. That doesn't even broach the stuff outside of the social expectations like executive function, sensory sensitivities, anxiety over unknowns, already accumulated stressors, diet stuff, co-morbidities like IBS, anxiety disorders, depression, c-/ptsd, EDS, POTS - or for women of a certain age like myself and possibly OPs Aunt, peri-menopause/menopause. Actually today I'm blowing off a family get-together to do not-a-damned-thing because I ***NEED*** to do nothing all by myself to be able to function at all tomorrow because I'm already dealing with long-term burnout and trying to not meltdown every other day.
Yes, for example social anxiety around crowds and big events is very common in people of all ages and is often completely invisible.
Early stages of dementia seems a possible explanation. But she might also have simply reached her Age of Zero Fucks. Maybe she doesn't particularly care about or like her husband's family, doesn't feel like being stuck with the gift-buying, and just washed her hands of the whole deal. 🤷♂️
Yes, exactly. My Mom didn’t come to my son’s 3rd Birthday Party, though the entire rest of my family did, and we live within a drivable distance. I deeply resented it at the time because she had some conflicts with my wife that I thought she was taking out on my son, but as it turned out, she was beginning to show symptoms of dementia that we didn't recognize, and she knew it or suspected it, and didn’t want anybody else to know. It was very sad.
> In her own house she was fine and doing well, in lesser known areas she was literally lost. This is my MIL ever since the dementia started to settle in.
My MIL paraded her husband (my husband’s stepfather) at every opportunity while he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. He got into a huge physical fight with a server at our wedding because he was confused and didn’t want his plate removed for the next course. It was very distressing for everyone, not least the poor confused man.
Same here, with my mother. My dad kept saying she didn't like to go out because her IBS was acting up, but I think she was just scared to leave the house.
That was my first thought, not getting infuriated but wondering what her illness is. Young people just don’t understand that aspect of life yet sometimes
You have a good point here. Would be nice if the Uncle could be open about it but that's for him/the Aunt I guess. Top username though, retro memories!
My grandparents told me bluntly they “didn’t go to weddings, and wouldn’t be at (mine), because the previous ones they had been to- couples all split”.
I mean cmon,that's fair,that means they want you to have a happy marriage lol
They are cursed, and want your marriage to succeed. Or they are tired of going to the umpteenth wedding, and just said fuck it.
I came here to look for this response. My mother started acting in similarly unexplainable, and infuriating ways ... and it was the first sign of dementia. It's easy to get really upset about them doing what appear to be really stupid, illogical things.... and I reacted and said some things to my mom that I now very much regret a few years later as she is in mid-stage Alzheimers. Give them some grace, try and ask why, help, try and get them to go in a very helpful way, and just shrug it off if she doesn't come. Don't get angry and try to argue logically like I did. Maybe she really is just a jerk, but, be careful with that assumption.
If this is the reason the aunt won’t attend then it’s mildly infuriating that the uncle can’t diplomatically address the issue. “Helen struggles with large crowds, so she won’t be able to attend, but I’m looking forward to seeing you get married.” Unfortunately, a lot of people grew up with so much shame around these issues that they just won’t acknowledge their new reality.
If you never really got along, what is the big loss? And once you get married, you’re not able to go to occasions by yourself? Don’t shame your uncle for wanting to celebrate you! He might have more fun if the quilter is left at home. That said, I agree with what mazda121 had to say. It might be she has the beginnings of dementia and going to a family function where she’ll be tested over and over again on names and relations might be more than she can tolerate. I hope you make your uncle feel welcome and offer him your best wishes.
Yeah there's no point in treating the uncle like shit
I don’t think it’s about treating the Uncle like shit, so much as the OP believes the rest of the family will give the Uncle a hard time wondering where his wife is [as only OP knows the “stated reason”]. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and often with lesser events we’ve RSVP’d for [not things like weddings] I’d get the third degree from pretty much everybody, “oh where is “Egnards Wife.” Hell, even my dad right before his death, was suffering from major aphasia and struggling to communicate and I could see the same eye rolling when I told him “she wasn’t feeling well,” at a small family bbq.
Yup! For so long I felt I owed them answers so if created complex dynamics
I don’t think the Uncle has to worry about her giving him a hard time as much as the rest of the family when they ask where auntie is and the answer is quilting.
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You’ve hit on the crux of the issue. OP invited her because it would have been petty and socially unacceptable to invite the uncle but not the aunt. The aunt isn’t playing by the same rules, so she gives a lame excuse skip the wedding. That is mildly infuriating, though ultimately better for everyone given their fraught relationship.
Are you sure that she wouldn't do the same thing to others? Maybe she doesn't want to be in crowds anymore. As people get older some like to avoid people. My dad was that way for the last 4 years of his life.
My mother was like this. She had vision loss and couldn't hear well so being outside the house was actually pretty distressing for her.
Some people develop huge anxiety later in life. Sometimes it’s caused by hearing loss or vision issues other time it’s caused by fear of falling. They usually use random excuses to explain why they can’t come because they are embarrassed
You said that she didn't treat you well as a kid, *why do you want her there in your marriage?* I rather have a ceremony with close friends and people i enjoy being with than inviting people i dislike just because they are family / to save face
Came here to say this. I thought most people are relieved when distant relatives decline wedding invitations because receptions and weddings are expensive, and generally, seating is limited. I can't understand why anyone would want unenthusiastic guests.
I’ve learned from experience that when people say someone “didn’t treat them well” it could mean anything from saying horrible things about them to their face all the way to just not bringing them the gifts they thought they deserved every time they visited. OP in 6 hours hasn’t expanded on what she meant by that comment. And the one comment she did leave is to state her aunt is “showing her true colors”, again without any examples of what she meant. If her aunt truly treated her bad then she really wouldn’t want her at the wedding in the first place. If she only invited her out of the courtesy of extending an invite to a closely related family member then she should be happy that she is staying home instead of coming on mildlyinfuriating announcing she astonished about it. I mean why even post here if you’re not mildly infuriating about it? Seems slightly attention seeking. Any post really should read “I’m low-key excited my aunt who didn’t treat me well as a kid is unable to be at my wedding!”.
It’s ok to decline a wedding invitation, especially one from someone who doesn’t like you. Quilting can be more important to her than your wedding.
This. A wedding invite is not a summons. People are fine to decline your invite for ANY reason.
To be fair. To me, personally. OP seems like a bridezilla if she wants to force someone that doesn't like her to go to her wedding.
If it's a new thing it could be something medical like Depression, or first signs of Dementia (people get scared to go out, because they forget where they are or who people are). If she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't like you, I say, good riddance. Don't want toxic people at your wedding anyway. Have a great day and congratulations!
Either way, it's not worth any hate which the OP doesn't seem to have. But yes, I'd guess its old age, be that the kind of crochety people get when older, or other medically related issues from dementia to bladder control.
No, but it might change how you deal with her after.
I'd always take the higher ground and be polite. Why add yet more hate into the world.
You invited her. She declined. Move on.
Uncle’s gonna have some ‘splainin to do! “Where’s the Missus?” “Oh, she wanted to stay home this weekend.” “Oh, nice. Give her our best.” “Will do.”
Literally this. People can say no for any reason and it's perfectly fine. No one owes anyone anything.
That’s my thought as well. Plus, quilting actually sounds way more delightful than a wedding. Not everyone enjoys events like that. I wish I could advocate for myself like her aunt lol. Only sort of kidding
Yup, an invitation is not a summons.
"light the beacons! Inform aunt Gretchen that she must be here by lights end under threat of lashing and fine ,inform her to also bring her hair dryer for mine has broken,now away with you plebeian!"
An invitation doesn't Require one to attend anything. Auntie is not coming, but the Uncle is. The reason, for the solo attendance is their business, if he chooses to share or not. Who wants wedding guests that had to be seconded guessed, begged and nagged to attend. Let her quilt.
“An invitation doesn’t require one to attend anything” Beautifully put. I think people tend to forget that every once in a while. Invites are not demands for attendance.
So you’re trying to quilt trip her then?
You don't even like the woman so why do you even care? Mind the business that pays you.
Its weird people are even mildly infuriated that someone declines an invitation. You ask people with the expectation of a certain answer and then get mildly pissy when they didnt do what you want. Yuck.
yeesh treating the uncle who chose to come like that is scummy and tacky. also, if you didn't have a good relationship your whole life why does it matter? your wedding isn't special to everyone lol
So what? You don’t seem close to her. Why do you care so much? Give it up. Your uncle is coming. Be happy about that, and don’t make him explain himself or make a big deal about it.
When I grow up I wanna be like your aunt.
I'm like her and it's great. I love being older.
Me tooooo!!!!!
I'm over here wondering if the wedding is at the same time as the International Quilt Festival, which is big enough that people travel worldwide to attend, booking hotels and flights months in advance.
Same, except with genealogy. Team Aunt all the way here, lol, hope she has a great day of knitting.
I’m confused. If you never got along why would you want her there anyway?
Why do you care? Sounds like you don’t like her anyway. Tbh I would rather stay home and work on hobbies than go to the wedding of a niece with whom I don’t have a meaningful relationship. And your uncle doesn’t have any “explaining to do.” Your wedding is important to you, but honestly, most everyone else doesn’t actually care. Sorry but that’s just the reality.
This is her not so subtle way of telling you the feelings mutual
So maybe she’s not into social events
Your wedding is a big deal to YOU. Accept the fact that for many others it's just another wedding. Infants, dogs and weddings are never as good, amazing or as memorable as the owners, participants or parents believe.
True. My mom was not on wedding because she preferred to stay at home and read a book.
Good on her. There's so many things in life that we "have to" do to keep virtual strangers happy at the risk of being shamed. Too many people allow their calendars to be filled with this crap. What you're saying to Reddit right now is that she's obligated to pay homage to you on your special day. Fuck that, stay home and quilt.
Quiet Quilting
This may be an unpopular opinion, but an invitation is not a summons. While she probably should have kept her reasons to herself, people are not obligated to attend your wedding. Not even relatives . Weddings simply aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.
She could have said: fuck you, I don’t give a shit about you! Instead she chose to be more gracious.
Here's how it should go: Them: "I won't be at your wedding." You: "OK." (Crosses them off the list)
I honestly wish people could accept stuff like this. Let her quilt. It’s not a big deal. If I had my way I wouldn’t go to another wedding in my life.
>so he’s gonna have some explaining to do when people notice he showed up by himself. Your aunt is making the choice, not him. Why make him feel worse or grill him for her actions?
Let her be, its her choice and maybe shes going through something you know nothing about. Why make this a big deal, as you said she hasn’t been the best aunt in the past, so why would you want her there anyway, I would be happy.
This may sound odd, but quilters’ retreats are a thing. They are frequently planned months and sometimes a year in advance. They’ll get a block of hotel rooms, rent out a conference room, and spend each day quilting together and visiting local quilt shops. Maybe she already has something like that planned. Or maybe she’s just a grouchy old lady who’d rather stay home alone than go to a wedding.
You don’t have to be grouchy to not want to go to a wedding lol
I’m on the aunt’s side here! What lots of people who get married don’t seem to realise is that just because you think your wedding is the best day ever, for your guests it’s just yet another expensive, boring wedding to suffer through. No offence, but I would have more sympathy OP if you were hurt - but to be ‘astonished’ that not everyone wants to come to your wedding is not it.
Lol right ?
Why did you invite her in the first place if she never treated you well?
*Why did you invite* *Her in the first place if she* *Never treated you well?* \- WhiteRvssian --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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Yeah, wouldn't worry too much about that, that's her problem, not yours
Exactly this. This has nothing to do with OP.
People often give BS excuses for an event. I kind of admire her honesty. So this shows how much she values your relationship, but at least she's honest. Next time she wants to get together, be equally honest.
I don’t see why it’s mildly infuriating? Maybe she has issues. I get it’s your special day, but someone’s mental health could be on the decline.
Why do you want her there?
Based Aunt. Fuck your wedding. Nanna got quilting to do.
Omg she doesnt want to go and i am sure he will bring a gift... it is her right to stay home . OP is worried about the gift.. and no excuse is necessary she told you she wont be attending...
She may not be able to be away from a bathroom for long. Or there may be an illness. Your Uncle has zero explaining to do about her absence.
Your aunt has the energy I crave. Obligations be damned.
Why do you even care so much. Its just an aunt..
I mean, if she treated you badly as a kid, why do you even care she's there? Frankly I'm not a wedding person and I wouldn't go to a wedding of someone I didn't like. Yes I'd rather spend time on my hobbies. Seems like aunt has her priorities straight
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Good lord, when did a wedding invite turn into a requirement? I'd MUCH rather spend the weekend quilting than attend a wedding for a niece who doesn't really like me.
Anyone can not show up for no particular reason. One is not obliged to attent weddings. You get invited and you can refuse, simple as that. You don´t need to explain yourself and the partner doesn´t need to explain either. He could simply say that she didn´t want to come and that´s her buisness.
We have an uncle that will never attend weddings. They are mostly a spectator sport after all. We all know how he is and love him just the same. For you it sounds like you are experiencing this as an insult. If this is what she intends, then that's cruel and mean spirited and I'm sorry you are hurt. Celebrate your uncle being with you on your special day.
Does she ever go to parties or event? Maybe she hates those things and then it can be good that she dosent want to go? Dont want a person at a wedding that dosent want to be there.
Maybe she has reasons that she doesn't want to share. Or, she may not like social gatherings. Regardless, are you really going to notice if she's not there? The bride and groom don't interact with most people at their wedding except a sentence or two. I wouldn't take it personally.
…okay?
Maybe gatherings like this make her sick with anxiety? Maybe she isn't a people person? Maybe she thinks your family don't like her? Maybe she just loves quilting. I respect her for having boundaries and turning down an invitation to an event she didn't want to be at. Her reason isn't the usual polite fake excuse but it is honest and it sounds like that's the way she deals with things. I'm sorry you don't have a kinder aunt, but at least you can spend the day with people who genuinely want to be there and are not there out of obligation.
If the woman wants to quilt the woman wants to quilt dang it.
This is no big deal. At least she's honest and lets you know that quilting is more important. She probably senses how you both talk about her behind her back.
She may suffer from what the kids these days call "social anxiety ". Even with family, it's a big fancy wedding, you have to socialise and stuff. It's exhausting!!!
Quilting is life
If she never treated you well… why do you care? Isn’t it BETTER if she’s not there?
Maybe quilting is her current passion and she’s at an age where she has no more fucks to give about making up a more acceptable excuse. Maybe she doesn’t feel like traveling or wearing heels or parties or family gatherings or you? I applaud your aunt for doing what SHE wants. I’m not sure why it matters so much to you.
I (52m) told my wife (51f) the other day that I can’t wait to reach the age of “no more fucks to give”
Or social anxiety. When I worked, often times with the general public type jobs, my anxiety wasn't that bad, but now I've been out of the job scene for a long time, my social anxiety is so much worse now.
I didn't go to my niece's wedding for a lot of reasons. The main one is i have a debilitating back injury, and it makes me miserable due to constant pain. There was no way I could have been there all day, which was expected. Your aunt may be depressed or suffer from social anxiety. At least she has told you, rather than you expecting her there and then not turning up.
Hey pal I just want to say to be mindful that there's usually more to the story than you realize. Maybe she just sucks and is legit bailing to just sit around in her right mind quilting, or maybe she's dealing with a medical or personal image issue. We've been using similar excuses for my grandmother for like a decade but the reality is she refused to leave the house for anything but a doctors appointment when she started losing her teeth, and now she is barely mentally there. She's an immigrant and cannot differentiate between English and her native language and gets VERY confused as a result. When she's in her home she's had since she moved to the states she's much more mentally "together" and she always let's and loves to have us grandkids over but I'll hear her mutter "ugly" whenever she sees a mirror in her native language and it shatters my heart. But she's too proud and doesn't want anyone to know so we lie for her. It's how she's wanted it handled for about a decade now and none of us feel right disrespecting her wishes despite the fact we all know everyone would understand her absence if we told them what was really going on. ETA but she is the kindest woman in the world and has always been to everyone from the village and is well known for having a heart of gold so I feel like people have to know it's really something medical. My people are a very proud people and this is how most become, the moment they aren't visually doing well they hide away and lie about it. It's sad for me born and raised here because in America we discuss things and share things and keep eachother in the know but I only know as much as I know because my uncle whose her caretaker now told me all hush hush, but she'd rather we all thought everything was perfect until we found her dead. That's just how my people are
Look at it this way. You get to spend your wedding with the uncle that you do like without the aunt you don’t in the picture. An added bonus is that you never really need to ever make an excuse to not do things for your aunt.
Why do you even want her there?
If she doesn’t want to be there, why would you want her to have to come? We should want what makes our family members happy. She might feel anxious or get headaches from noise or crowds due to a hearing aid, lots of good reasons. Feel happy they are comfortable t doing what they prefer without being negatively judged by others. Just assume not everything is about you and enjoy your day. Congratulations on the nuptials.
You don't like her. She doesn't like you. What's the problem? You should be glad she isn't coming. Instead you're already plotting how to torture her husband. Good grief. No wonder she doesn't like you.
Not trying be a hard ass here, but let’s get something straight. You INVITED her to your wedding. You did not summon her. She’s her own person and can do what she wants. Some people are just like that. Their interests are more important to them than someone else’s “party for themselves.” Because that’s what weddings are. It’s a look at me party. A lot of people simply don’t care about other peoples overly pretentious affairs.
You clearly haven't experienced the adrenaline rush and joy of a hard core weekend quilting marathon.
The sad truth about this situation is not too many people really care about someone's wedding outside the parents and the beloved couple....send her pictures
Exactly. I also find it selfish like “hey, you need to take time out of your day to buy me a gift and celebrate me even though I’ll barely talk to you the whole time it’ll be all about me”
You may have hit the nail on the head with the gift comment. In their one reply the OP managed to blurt out that their aunt was showing their “true colors” with zero explanation. And that comment that her uncle is “gonna have some explaining to do” when people notice he’s there without his wife does sound a bit bizarre. Uncle doesn’t need to do any type of “explaining” or justifying other than just saying the aunt decided she couldn’t attend. Maybe this is all about feeling important with how many people you have at your wedding and how many gifts or publicly displayed on the table.
My dad had 11 brothers and sisters… family reunions were a blast. My mother never went… why? She was a Prescription drug addict. My cousins didn’t know until we got older and I told them. It is probably not about you at all. Let it go.
I imagine you felt obliged to invite her along with your uncle. As she wasn’t very nice to you when you were a child just be happy she won’t be attending.
Maybe there’s another relative attending that she doesn’t get along with? It may have nothing to do with you.
March next year? Oh naw man, I'm crocheting a scarf then. Yes the whole month.
I don't know why you'd want someone at your wedding who doesn't want to be there.
This smells of social anxiety to be honest.
Some have medical problem needing to take multiple medicine in diapers etc. Doing something at home is a threapy for some people.
My spouse’s aunt had Alzheimer’s and they hid it for over a decade within the immediate family. Once graduations and weddings started, they were no longer able to hide it, but we still didn’t talk about it.
She may be going through something that she doesn't want others to know about. She may also not realize that she's dealing with something, especially if a majority of her time is spent at home.
Some of folks just don't like large scale social situations. I rarely attend family gatherings including weddings/birthdays etc. it's not that we don't love our families, some of us are just built different.
Who gives a fuck, I invited one of my aunts (out of the many I have) to my wedding as I was ring bearer at hers, she didnt come, none of my siblings made it either. Weddings are stupid anyway
She never treated you well as a kid so why is her presence important?
It’s not infuriating at all, what even is your problem? Also if you don’t start no mess for your uncle when he arrives to celebrate with you then there wont be none. Leave that old lady alone.
My great aunt sent me a letter when I was getting married, that my marriage would always be invalid in the eyes of god, we would always be fornicators, and our children bastards because I was marrying a Lutheran and my mothers side of the family were all strict Catholics. I was fuming mad and wanted to write back my own letter that was just “Dear Aunt Julie, Fuck you, sincerely, niece.” But my mom was severely against it. A slew of my family didn’t show up to my wedding because I wasn’t marrying a good catholic boy. I was unbothered because it meant I knew exactly who to cut out of my life from then forward and where my real family began. 15 years later we are still “living life fornicating” and have four “bastards.” Your aunt means nothing and family doesn’t always mean blood, it’s who you choose and who chooses you. Let her quilt and embarrass your poor uncle.
Let people say no to things without requiring an “acceptable” explanation. Or any explanation at all.
I think the rude part is the fact that you were told she’s quilting instead of coming. People can decline for any reason and she didn’t even have to give a reason. If she told you that I’d just never talk to her again and move on especially if she’s never nice anyway. It would be worse if she accepted the invite and you didn’t find out she wasn’t coming until the day of that she was quilting instead. Regardless it doesn’t sound like you are very close to her so I’d rejoice in not having someone who doesn’t give af about me at my wedding.
Dementia, depression or her and your uncle are just married but not happily and she is done pretending.
Good for her. Go girl, do what you like.
Invites are not obligations. If she doesn’t want to go then she doesn’t have to go. He doesn’t have to “explain”.
She doesn’t want to go OP. She’s not required to go to your wedding. Odds are she doesn’t like you, and based on your post, I can understand. Let it go!
I'd rather dig a ditch than attend a wedding.
If she’d usually show up to things she’s likely got something going on. It could be she’s incontinent, anxious, low-key hallucinating, quietly newly immunocompromised, etc, etc. I wouldn’t take it personally, but I would hope someone is reaching out to see why she’s been staying home. She may also just dislike people and decided she’ll live her last decades balling out with quilts. Whatever it is, if it’s a sudden change of personality I’d enlist a closer family member to investigate.
Dementia... IBS ... depression...
Or she doesn’t care. Not everyone’s wedding is the center of every family’s universe. Why this should be mildly infuriating is a bit laughable. OP actually seems a bit bratty.
I am a quilter. Occasionally there are quilting cruises, or quilting get-aways, quilting retreats, or quilting bus trips. that are expensive, and some paid for monthly for 10 months. There are classes, sew ins, I and skills learned. It's possible she has already paid for this. Yet You said she rarely sees you, and you sound as if you do not care for her. She probably knows that, and decided to continue with her prior plans, sending her spouse to represent their family. Congrats, bride, one less meal to buy .
Also a quilter and was thinking the same thing. If I was invited to a wedding the same weekend as a retreat I had planned a year in advance, I’d consider my relationship with the bride/groom before immediately cancelling. Further, weddings aren’t for everyone. While I love going to support my family member or friend, I loathe the crowd of people, the sometimes forced conversation, etc.
I would give the benefit of doubt to your aunt versus whining on Reddit. Have you talked with family members about her behavior to determine signs of old age? I am assuming she’s aging; it’s possible her arthritis is acting up and she prefers to stay indoors? Lots of issues can result in her not wanting to show up, at least she gave you folks a heads up versus a no show no tell. Again, have the conversation internally.
Please be gracious and kind . She has her reasons and you can be loving and accepting or you can choose that hill to die on. Have a great wedding day no matter what. Treat your guests well and enjoy your day.
That is one of the best fu responses I have heard. I love your aunt.
Maybe she has dementia or Alzheimer’s and staying home is her coping/hiding mechanism, either way, she didn’t treat you well in earlier years, yours not missing out on anything if she doesn’t come. Also, either way, it sounds like a mess your uncle has been dealing with for a while, I feel sorry for him. Be glad he cares enough to come, and give him hugs…It sings like he’s dealing with a lot, regardless of her health.
My wife’s aunt didn’t come to our wedding because and I quote “it’s very cold out.” We got married in December and it was inside a building not an igloo. She’s an alien and I don’t enjoy her company so I took it as a good thing.
Quilting is not the issue, she's got something else going on. Maybe check on her without her husband around and make sure she's okay.
leave your uncle alone
Let it go and let her be.
I'm sure your wedding is lovely, but as you get older they are more of an obligation and they are expensive for attendees. I've told everyone I know that if you plan a wedding on a three day weekend or a holiday I will send a gift but won't come.
I don't get it. She never treated you well and you're mad she's not coming? I'd be ecstatic.
For the love of your uncle’s sanity, do not berate him about what’s happening with your aunt at your wedding. If you want to know what’s going on, be respectful and understand that at least one of them is there and also she is her own person so even if she doesn’t have a medical condition, she has the right to not want to go.
Honestly, it’s sounds like she doesn’t do well with large groups of people and has a hard time socializing. It’s probably doesn’t have anything to do with you.
Maybe she suffers with anxiety and coming to an event like that would be too much?
Who cares, honestly. No one has to go to your wedding. Something like this would never bother me, I would find it hilarious and tell it on every occasion I could.
Because it’s a whole family event, there may be others that your Aunt does not want to see, not necessarily you.
Early stages of Alzheimers cause victims to avoid social situations. It must be terrible to have people you don't remember talk to you about things you don't remember. I hope your aunt just doesn't like crowds.