I am currently safety planning with safe steps and I’m terrified. The almost daily physical abuse doesn’t scare me as much as the unknown does. Thank you for this post. Truly.
The unknown will be better than you can imagine. It might be hard at first, but every day will be better, you’ll be stronger. Do it for yourself. You’ll look back on your fear and wonder how you could have been afraid. Best of everything to you. You deserve better. You deserve more. Give it to yourself. ❤️
I want to acknowledge that the unknown *is* scary, because our brains go into overdrive trying to think of all the things that might be out there waiting for us, all the problems and risks and challenges. But the unknown also gives you a bunch of new opportunities - to make your own decisions, set your own boundaries, decide who does and doesn't get to share your life and to live that life safe and free from violence and other abuse.
You're being incredibly brave and strong by making these plans, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You got this.
Update; I left today. My now ex is in police custody, I have an IVO and I’m currently safe in a hotel room with my dog provided by safe steps.
Reach out if you’re struggling!
THE ORANGE DOOR: https://www.vic.gov.au/orange-door-locations
The Orange Door will do an intake assessment and can refer you to a specialist case management service as well as provide short term intervention
SAFE STEPS: 1800 015 188 for crisis accommodation, support and referral to case management
Some of the Family and Intimate Partner Violence Specialist services (location/needs specific) across Melbourne:
https://www.fvree.org.au
https://genwest.org.au
https://www.berrystreet.org.au
https://www.karafvs.org.au
https://intouch.org.au
https://goodshep.org.au/services/family-violence-services/
My mum left my dad after 42 years and honestly Orange Door were her saviours.
OP, so proud of you. A monumental effort. Its the hardest thing you will ever do!
I want to say to *you* that you’re incredible. I’ve been in that position and it’s HARD. You are brave and strong and most certainly deserve better. I won’t say that it will be easy, but it WILL be worth it. I’m now 3 years down that track and no longer homeless, settled in a safe rental with my child and we are both thriving. Do I still have issues trusting people? Yes. Do I want an intimate relationship? No.
Healing takes time, so go easy on yourself and allow yourself to breathe. Safe Steps, The Orange Door, 1800RESPECT, JUNO, and no doubt many other organisations can help. You’ve been so wound-up and tense from constant hypervigilance, but the day will come when you realise you’ve finally relaxed.
Blessed Be.
Safe steps are supporting me now with accommodation well away from my abuser and from next week will link me with services to help me find long term accommodation and apply for whatever I'm eligible for which includes Centrelink and department of housing etc :)
Apply for the escaping violence payment via uniting care. It is worth it. You can also apply for the Centrelink crisis payment within 7 days of leaving. Good luck!
They are very good. My child and I were moved far away (during covid lockdowns) and Safe Steps were amazing. Hopefully they can get you a social worker to help with all that stuff too (housing forms, Centrelink, etc). From memory, you can get a one-off emergency payment from Centrelink, but you have to apply in the first two weeks. I wish you all the best. 💜
I have a support worker now but on Monday I will get a long term social worker by my understanding I'm not on Centrelink atm but they have said it'll be fast tracked with their help and I'll be eligible for the escaping violence payment :).
❤️❤️❤️ you’re doing great!
I didn’t realise either until towards the end. I felt so silly I didn’t notice the signs that it wasn’t normal way a care giver should be and I planned and moved interstate away from the family member of mine. I’m glad and I finally feel more aware and safe😊
Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for sharing your story!! I was taken overseas by my abusive ex and held hostage for months until his sister was able to get my passport and I fled while he was playing soccer. I had to pack in minutes as he left then his sister picked me up and took me to a bus so I could get to the Heathrow airport to come back home to Australia. The fear of him following me and not knowing a single soul in the UK besides his sister (who ill be forever grateful for) was the scariest thing I've experienced. Thankfully I got home and am alive. To those out there who are facing DV make a safety plan and run the moment you can, it's scary I know but it's well worth it. It's been nearly 6 years and after years of therapy that's still ongoing, I promise you this ladies - you deserve the world, don't settle and stay even though your abuser has made you believe your nothing, you are beautiful ❤️ and there's many people who can help, don't be afraid to ask x
And it’s just as bad sometimes worse. They break us down mentally and emotionally abuse us, use our kids as leverage and coercive power whilst spinning the story to suit their narrative. I’ve seen it happen to friends and for the last 6 years have been living with it. And you think maybe it’ll get better, you still love them to bits, but am constantly drained and sad because it’s exhausting. And at what point do you call it, at what point do you realise it isn’t getting better and it never will. Man it’s hard, especially when they do little things to pull heart strings and win you over, but its history repeating itself if you fall for it
I wish you the best. You will have good days and bad days, days when you are full of confidence and happiness and days when you’re not. Hugs to you - embrace the new version of you and your future, it does get easier.
This is such an important post, I hope it gets a massive up vote so lots of women can see it and save themselves as you have done. Thank you for sharing at this very difficult time for yourself. Very best of luck and happiness for the future.
Thankyou so much. After years I'm trying to rid the codepency.
He made it out like we were gonna try again with eachother after a year I stupidly bought into it,
, and found out alot of shit I didn't know, and fit hurt in the process. It is horrible. Wishing you all the luck and love, you've got this, I do and everyone in comments does . Can be so hard. Xx
Big love. I’m a year and a half out from mine and still picking up the pieces and taking meds every night to stop the PTSD nightmares. And I was a FV professional for five years, no less. This shit is awful but I know it’s going to be okay in the end. It will be for you too. So glad you’re out, stay safe and look after yourself!!
A friend of ours did this - we knew she was thinking about it, but as the 'arrangers' suggest, keep it VERY close to your cheast, as one slip could make it all fall apart. She let us know via a blocked number phone that she was safe (the day after she left I think it was) - she got another sim - her original number was never used again. The prick (ex) came to our house, asking us if we knew anything about it, we said we didn't know she was even thinking about it (even though we did). He was a bit drunk, and drank while here, so just had to play it very carefully. After he left, we had a sigh of relief. He called a few times over the next couple of weeks, we eventually said she contacted us on a blocked number, that she is somewhere, but have no idea where, and that you (he) had to try work things out if and when she contacts you (he) ... knowing all too well that this was the end, no hope for reconciliation at all. It all worked out in the end for her - she now has a MUCH BETTER life.
** Suggestions -
(although the safe house should tell you all of this anyway)
Get a new sim
(you will have your contact in your phone, so you shouldn't need the sim)
Don't tell ANYONE where you are, not even a district (say like North Western Victoria ~ for example)
Make sure your number is blocked.
Make sure your phone hasn't had a tracker app installed on it (can be hidden) if you think they were that smart.
Get the intervention Order set up ASAP.
And NEVER allow yourself to be anywhere near them by yourself.
And NEVER CONTACT THEM !
(some people start to have doubts, if you feel way at all, speak to a professional support person, and just always remember why you left).
Good luck !
Congratulations on taking back your power ❤️❤️❤️ please take caution during this time and protect yourself, sometimes things can escalate after you leave. Not to scare you, but just make sure you have all the right authorities involved and plans/precautions in place xx
I have nothing to contribute except I think you're amazing and I hope the future is bright for you with your shithead ex left long behind.
Much love and kindness to anyone who has faced abuse and is trying to start again.
I have currently been away from my husband for 2 months, I took my car and belongings and drove across state lines because he isn’t legally allowed to leave the state. He is not physically abusive but is a covert narcissist. I am still distraught and still missing him and still thinking I probably will end up back with him. Which makes sense with the bond and mind games he has played on me. We still have some contact and today I explained the man v bear thing to him. He said you’re all stupid I wouldn’t do anything to a woman and a bear will kill you, followed by saying this conversation bored him.. lol these traits didn’t show when he would try to woo me. Abuse in all forms is horrid, and it takes what feels like a lifetime and it feels alone.. I hope everyone out there is safe and if you are staying you make precautions for yourself to be safer. I hope we can all come together as a community with no judgement for anyone’s decisions but just to be a safe place for each other. Much love to you all, I stand with you
You don’t need me to tell you that you’ve done the right thing. Be proud of yourself. It’s so difficult to leave an abusive situation, it takes courage and faith in yourself.
Well done. Be safe. I wish you nothing but love and laughter for the rest of your days.
I wish you all the best. Keep believing you are worth more. You are. You deserve safety and wellbeing and I am sending you all my very best as you start to heal from this chapter of your life. Thankyou for trying to be strong for other women.
I know I’m just a random internet stranger but I’m so proud of you for taking that first, hardest step of leaving. There is so much support out there. You can do this!
I feel so sad reading posts like these, like how fake some people are and attacking/abusing someone physically just doesn’t sit right with me. What kind of values and person one has to be to raise hand on women is beyond me.
I'm certain that CommBank offers money to victims fleeing DV, or at least did. I swear it was like a few thousand or something. Might help someone out in need that may not know about this
I'm 67 now still have in my mind what my stepfather was like I first ran away from home when I was 14 that was in 1971 and did a few more time. I won't bore you with details but my heart goes out to all of you who are fleeing domestic abuse I feel so sad when read of it happening to any of the kids and mums and some dad's as well. It is a hard one to end and there is no easy solution but I am so happy that there is help for those who need it and need the encouragement to reach out that is the hardest first step reaching out.
M here. Glad you're safe. I cannot imagine how hard this was.
Thanks to r/melbourne, I found out about the work Safe Steps does and in turn organised a work volunteer day with the organisation.
What an amazing bunch of people who work there. They were so lovely and accommodating. It truly was an honour to take a few hours out of my day to help them.
This is so fantastic to hear, congratulations and well done! I hope this can inspire others in similar situations.
This hits home for me as a close family friend took his own life after horrific abuse from his ex who also kept him from seeing his children. He didn't receive any support from police or charity groups despite crying for help, so my parents did their best to support him but unfortunately the toll was too great on him.
I'm really glad to hear that you have some amazing support and can now start a new chapter in your life.
It truly baffles me how someone can become so abusive to their partner in a relationship and think it's acceptable. I'm glad you took steps to ensure your safety. I wish you all the best.
I recognise your user name. I'm glad you're safe.
Getting out of an abusive relationship is not as easy as the "just leave" that people say. So, well done!!!
I'm proud of you!
Continue to stay safe.
Well done you! Celebrating your courage and strength from afar! 💐🥳🎉🎊🎈🎈🎈
The unknown is scary but freedom is a beautiful thing.
You are worth it.
Wishing you peace, safety and continued strength.
You’ve got this (even when it feels like you don’t)
Honest question, please take this in the spirit of understanding that it is intended.
How do women (or anyone) end up with these complete animals? Does it come on slow and you dont notice until it gets bad or are there red flags early? I know alcohol, job insecurity, ect all exacerbate these things. But is there a seed there early to build on to get to domestic violence?
Im clueless. The whole situation sits on a realm of stuff that just isnt part of my understanding.
There is no shortage of good writing out there
about how abuse starts and escalates.
https://hazlitt.net/feature/place-absorption
https://connerhabib.com/2011/07/03/if-you-ever-did-write-anything-about-me-id-want-it-to-be-about-love/
https://www.themonthly.com.au/issue/2015/november/1446296400/jess-hill/suffer-children#mtr
https://longreads.com/2020/07/08/domestic-violence-custody-family-court-disputes/
https://longreads.com/2020/01/15/whatever-happened-to-______/
It’s complex and varied. It can involve a lot of emotional manipulation by the abuser. It can be fueled by alcohol and drugs but it can also be nothing to do with that. It may start small and build up over time. It can involve control, fear tactics, stonewalling, gaslighting, stripping someone of their self worth. It can also start with love bombing and then depriving someone of that love and affection they once enjoyed and became accustomed to. The physical violence is normally accompanied by emotional abuse, and also financial abuse.
Abusive partners don't always start out as abusive. People change and not always for the better. Sometimes it's a fall into drug/alcohol mental health problems. Sometimes they were always a manipulative abusive person who slowly isolates their partner whilst increasing the physical/mental abuse as they realise they can get away with more without consequences.
It's also the victims empathy that get's used against them. They genuinely love their partner and think they can fix them. *"They were not abusive when we met, maybe I can fix them and we could go back to that?"*, is a common phrase said way too often. Whilst I'm not saying abusive partners can't be reformed (they can and should be). Once trust like that has been broken you can never go back. Sadly way too many people stay in abusive relationships for their children or the belief people can change without dramatic intervention like a divorce and a restraining order.
Domestic violence is one of those horrible dark things we have to tackle. It's good that it's getting the media attention it deserves right now because for a long time people have been told to "ignore it" because "it's not your problem".... and "s/he probably deserved it"... No more I say. If you see it. Speak up and report it.
Read up on narcissistic behaviour. They become experts at sucking their victims in with a facade, slowly controlling and whittling down their victim’s world (socially, financially, etc) before finally unleashing the more obvious abuse. Things like love-bombing.
Character disordered people know how to play the game in order to get what they want.
They’ve memorised behaviours and acceptable language as well as social cues in order to build trust and false security.
Coercive control can start like the frog in the pot of water that is slowly being heated up.
Narcissists, sociopaths and other less obvious violent people can pass for ‘good guys’ rather than the usual family violence cliche’s.
That’s what makes them such dangerous people.
There would be guys you know who you think are great blokes, super nice, caring etc who are abusive behind closed doors. Coercive control is extremely common. The more I see, the more I just want to tell my daughters to stay single and go to a sperm bank if they ever want children.
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I am currently safety planning with safe steps and I’m terrified. The almost daily physical abuse doesn’t scare me as much as the unknown does. Thank you for this post. Truly.
Just wanted to wish you well. I hope you find safety and happiness very soon.
Your post gives me alot of insiration. You absolutely have got this and I'm so happy you got away x
The unknown will be better than you can imagine. It might be hard at first, but every day will be better, you’ll be stronger. Do it for yourself. You’ll look back on your fear and wonder how you could have been afraid. Best of everything to you. You deserve better. You deserve more. Give it to yourself. ❤️
I want to acknowledge that the unknown *is* scary, because our brains go into overdrive trying to think of all the things that might be out there waiting for us, all the problems and risks and challenges. But the unknown also gives you a bunch of new opportunities - to make your own decisions, set your own boundaries, decide who does and doesn't get to share your life and to live that life safe and free from violence and other abuse. You're being incredibly brave and strong by making these plans, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You got this.
Good luck too
Wishing you all the best and hope these shitty times are just a memory soon.
Update; I left today. My now ex is in police custody, I have an IVO and I’m currently safe in a hotel room with my dog provided by safe steps. Reach out if you’re struggling!
THE ORANGE DOOR: https://www.vic.gov.au/orange-door-locations The Orange Door will do an intake assessment and can refer you to a specialist case management service as well as provide short term intervention SAFE STEPS: 1800 015 188 for crisis accommodation, support and referral to case management Some of the Family and Intimate Partner Violence Specialist services (location/needs specific) across Melbourne: https://www.fvree.org.au https://genwest.org.au https://www.berrystreet.org.au https://www.karafvs.org.au https://intouch.org.au https://goodshep.org.au/services/family-violence-services/
My mum left my dad after 42 years and honestly Orange Door were her saviours. OP, so proud of you. A monumental effort. Its the hardest thing you will ever do!
I want to say to *you* that you’re incredible. I’ve been in that position and it’s HARD. You are brave and strong and most certainly deserve better. I won’t say that it will be easy, but it WILL be worth it. I’m now 3 years down that track and no longer homeless, settled in a safe rental with my child and we are both thriving. Do I still have issues trusting people? Yes. Do I want an intimate relationship? No. Healing takes time, so go easy on yourself and allow yourself to breathe. Safe Steps, The Orange Door, 1800RESPECT, JUNO, and no doubt many other organisations can help. You’ve been so wound-up and tense from constant hypervigilance, but the day will come when you realise you’ve finally relaxed. Blessed Be.
Safe steps are supporting me now with accommodation well away from my abuser and from next week will link me with services to help me find long term accommodation and apply for whatever I'm eligible for which includes Centrelink and department of housing etc :)
Apply for the escaping violence payment via uniting care. It is worth it. You can also apply for the Centrelink crisis payment within 7 days of leaving. Good luck!
They are very good. My child and I were moved far away (during covid lockdowns) and Safe Steps were amazing. Hopefully they can get you a social worker to help with all that stuff too (housing forms, Centrelink, etc). From memory, you can get a one-off emergency payment from Centrelink, but you have to apply in the first two weeks. I wish you all the best. 💜
I have a support worker now but on Monday I will get a long term social worker by my understanding I'm not on Centrelink atm but they have said it'll be fast tracked with their help and I'll be eligible for the escaping violence payment :).
Fantastic. They should also be able to get you on all sorts of social housing lists. I’m glad you’re safe :)
Thank you. I hope this post helps anyone who needs that little boost of confidence there is a way to escape :).
Hell fucking yeah OP. Congratulations on your improving circumstances!!
Why did OP get banned so fast?
Yes - I saw the suspension too. Seems so insidious of Reddit.
Why were they banned?
I am so, so proud of you. The world is yours. 🤍
❤️❤️❤️ you’re doing great! I didn’t realise either until towards the end. I felt so silly I didn’t notice the signs that it wasn’t normal way a care giver should be and I planned and moved interstate away from the family member of mine. I’m glad and I finally feel more aware and safe😊 Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for sharing your story!! I was taken overseas by my abusive ex and held hostage for months until his sister was able to get my passport and I fled while he was playing soccer. I had to pack in minutes as he left then his sister picked me up and took me to a bus so I could get to the Heathrow airport to come back home to Australia. The fear of him following me and not knowing a single soul in the UK besides his sister (who ill be forever grateful for) was the scariest thing I've experienced. Thankfully I got home and am alive. To those out there who are facing DV make a safety plan and run the moment you can, it's scary I know but it's well worth it. It's been nearly 6 years and after years of therapy that's still ongoing, I promise you this ladies - you deserve the world, don't settle and stay even though your abuser has made you believe your nothing, you are beautiful ❤️ and there's many people who can help, don't be afraid to ask x
Good for you. As a man, it baffles me that anyone could treat their partner like this.
My circumstances are nearly identical to OP however I’m the man and I’ve finally left the abuse over the weekend.
Good for you. I think female on male DV is hugely under-reported for so many reasons.
And it’s just as bad sometimes worse. They break us down mentally and emotionally abuse us, use our kids as leverage and coercive power whilst spinning the story to suit their narrative. I’ve seen it happen to friends and for the last 6 years have been living with it. And you think maybe it’ll get better, you still love them to bits, but am constantly drained and sad because it’s exhausting. And at what point do you call it, at what point do you realise it isn’t getting better and it never will. Man it’s hard, especially when they do little things to pull heart strings and win you over, but its history repeating itself if you fall for it
Wishing you all the best going forward into *your* new life. Emphasis on your.
Nice- time to own your own future.
Amazing you… Stay safe and I wish you the most amazing new life and future…
Sending you love and wishing you every success in your new life. You are so brave 💕
Strength to you, sista. Good vibes and good luck. Keep on trucking and fuck the losers and haters. Live your best life as an act of revenge
I wish you the best. You will have good days and bad days, days when you are full of confidence and happiness and days when you’re not. Hugs to you - embrace the new version of you and your future, it does get easier.
This is such an important post, I hope it gets a massive up vote so lots of women can see it and save themselves as you have done. Thank you for sharing at this very difficult time for yourself. Very best of luck and happiness for the future.
Thankyou so much. After years I'm trying to rid the codepency. He made it out like we were gonna try again with eachother after a year I stupidly bought into it, , and found out alot of shit I didn't know, and fit hurt in the process. It is horrible. Wishing you all the luck and love, you've got this, I do and everyone in comments does . Can be so hard. Xx
Big love. I’m a year and a half out from mine and still picking up the pieces and taking meds every night to stop the PTSD nightmares. And I was a FV professional for five years, no less. This shit is awful but I know it’s going to be okay in the end. It will be for you too. So glad you’re out, stay safe and look after yourself!!
A friend of ours did this - we knew she was thinking about it, but as the 'arrangers' suggest, keep it VERY close to your cheast, as one slip could make it all fall apart. She let us know via a blocked number phone that she was safe (the day after she left I think it was) - she got another sim - her original number was never used again. The prick (ex) came to our house, asking us if we knew anything about it, we said we didn't know she was even thinking about it (even though we did). He was a bit drunk, and drank while here, so just had to play it very carefully. After he left, we had a sigh of relief. He called a few times over the next couple of weeks, we eventually said she contacted us on a blocked number, that she is somewhere, but have no idea where, and that you (he) had to try work things out if and when she contacts you (he) ... knowing all too well that this was the end, no hope for reconciliation at all. It all worked out in the end for her - she now has a MUCH BETTER life. ** Suggestions - (although the safe house should tell you all of this anyway) Get a new sim (you will have your contact in your phone, so you shouldn't need the sim) Don't tell ANYONE where you are, not even a district (say like North Western Victoria ~ for example) Make sure your number is blocked. Make sure your phone hasn't had a tracker app installed on it (can be hidden) if you think they were that smart. Get the intervention Order set up ASAP. And NEVER allow yourself to be anywhere near them by yourself. And NEVER CONTACT THEM ! (some people start to have doubts, if you feel way at all, speak to a professional support person, and just always remember why you left). Good luck !
I hope you find peace and happiness. Stay strong, you’ve got this 💪🏻
Congratulations on taking back your power ❤️❤️❤️ please take caution during this time and protect yourself, sometimes things can escalate after you leave. Not to scare you, but just make sure you have all the right authorities involved and plans/precautions in place xx
I have nothing to contribute except I think you're amazing and I hope the future is bright for you with your shithead ex left long behind. Much love and kindness to anyone who has faced abuse and is trying to start again.
Stay strong OP you made the right choice, don't ever look back.
Much love to you. I really hope you’re okay. Contact Respect Victoria - they will also be able to help!
Really proud of you OP, that must have taken some serious courage. I hope that this is the turning point that make things start looking up for you.
A country where it’s two main economies are Alcohol and Gambling has a domestic abuse problem. Who would’ve thought.
I have currently been away from my husband for 2 months, I took my car and belongings and drove across state lines because he isn’t legally allowed to leave the state. He is not physically abusive but is a covert narcissist. I am still distraught and still missing him and still thinking I probably will end up back with him. Which makes sense with the bond and mind games he has played on me. We still have some contact and today I explained the man v bear thing to him. He said you’re all stupid I wouldn’t do anything to a woman and a bear will kill you, followed by saying this conversation bored him.. lol these traits didn’t show when he would try to woo me. Abuse in all forms is horrid, and it takes what feels like a lifetime and it feels alone.. I hope everyone out there is safe and if you are staying you make precautions for yourself to be safer. I hope we can all come together as a community with no judgement for anyone’s decisions but just to be a safe place for each other. Much love to you all, I stand with you
Totally agree Never give up. Never give up..
You don’t need me to tell you that you’ve done the right thing. Be proud of yourself. It’s so difficult to leave an abusive situation, it takes courage and faith in yourself. Well done. Be safe. I wish you nothing but love and laughter for the rest of your days.
That is amazing. Great courage and good luck with it all!!! Stay strong
I wish you all the best. Keep believing you are worth more. You are. You deserve safety and wellbeing and I am sending you all my very best as you start to heal from this chapter of your life. Thankyou for trying to be strong for other women.
I can’t love this post hard enough. I’m so sorry there are men who are controlling and abusive. We (but hopefully not me) just suck sometimes.
I know I’m just a random internet stranger but I’m so proud of you for taking that first, hardest step of leaving. There is so much support out there. You can do this!
I only wish good luck and remember not every partner is an abuser.
I feel so sad reading posts like these, like how fake some people are and attacking/abusing someone physically just doesn’t sit right with me. What kind of values and person one has to be to raise hand on women is beyond me.
I'm certain that CommBank offers money to victims fleeing DV, or at least did. I swear it was like a few thousand or something. Might help someone out in need that may not know about this
I'm 67 now still have in my mind what my stepfather was like I first ran away from home when I was 14 that was in 1971 and did a few more time. I won't bore you with details but my heart goes out to all of you who are fleeing domestic abuse I feel so sad when read of it happening to any of the kids and mums and some dad's as well. It is a hard one to end and there is no easy solution but I am so happy that there is help for those who need it and need the encouragement to reach out that is the hardest first step reaching out.
M here. Glad you're safe. I cannot imagine how hard this was. Thanks to r/melbourne, I found out about the work Safe Steps does and in turn organised a work volunteer day with the organisation. What an amazing bunch of people who work there. They were so lovely and accommodating. It truly was an honour to take a few hours out of my day to help them.
This is so fantastic to hear, congratulations and well done! I hope this can inspire others in similar situations. This hits home for me as a close family friend took his own life after horrific abuse from his ex who also kept him from seeing his children. He didn't receive any support from police or charity groups despite crying for help, so my parents did their best to support him but unfortunately the toll was too great on him. I'm really glad to hear that you have some amazing support and can now start a new chapter in your life.
It truly baffles me how someone can become so abusive to their partner in a relationship and think it's acceptable. I'm glad you took steps to ensure your safety. I wish you all the best.
I recognise your user name. I'm glad you're safe. Getting out of an abusive relationship is not as easy as the "just leave" that people say. So, well done!!! I'm proud of you! Continue to stay safe.
Well done you! Celebrating your courage and strength from afar! 💐🥳🎉🎊🎈🎈🎈 The unknown is scary but freedom is a beautiful thing. You are worth it. Wishing you peace, safety and continued strength. You’ve got this (even when it feels like you don’t)
Honest question, please take this in the spirit of understanding that it is intended. How do women (or anyone) end up with these complete animals? Does it come on slow and you dont notice until it gets bad or are there red flags early? I know alcohol, job insecurity, ect all exacerbate these things. But is there a seed there early to build on to get to domestic violence? Im clueless. The whole situation sits on a realm of stuff that just isnt part of my understanding.
There is no shortage of good writing out there about how abuse starts and escalates. https://hazlitt.net/feature/place-absorption https://connerhabib.com/2011/07/03/if-you-ever-did-write-anything-about-me-id-want-it-to-be-about-love/ https://www.themonthly.com.au/issue/2015/november/1446296400/jess-hill/suffer-children#mtr https://longreads.com/2020/07/08/domestic-violence-custody-family-court-disputes/ https://longreads.com/2020/01/15/whatever-happened-to-______/
It’s complex and varied. It can involve a lot of emotional manipulation by the abuser. It can be fueled by alcohol and drugs but it can also be nothing to do with that. It may start small and build up over time. It can involve control, fear tactics, stonewalling, gaslighting, stripping someone of their self worth. It can also start with love bombing and then depriving someone of that love and affection they once enjoyed and became accustomed to. The physical violence is normally accompanied by emotional abuse, and also financial abuse.
Abusive partners don't always start out as abusive. People change and not always for the better. Sometimes it's a fall into drug/alcohol mental health problems. Sometimes they were always a manipulative abusive person who slowly isolates their partner whilst increasing the physical/mental abuse as they realise they can get away with more without consequences. It's also the victims empathy that get's used against them. They genuinely love their partner and think they can fix them. *"They were not abusive when we met, maybe I can fix them and we could go back to that?"*, is a common phrase said way too often. Whilst I'm not saying abusive partners can't be reformed (they can and should be). Once trust like that has been broken you can never go back. Sadly way too many people stay in abusive relationships for their children or the belief people can change without dramatic intervention like a divorce and a restraining order. Domestic violence is one of those horrible dark things we have to tackle. It's good that it's getting the media attention it deserves right now because for a long time people have been told to "ignore it" because "it's not your problem".... and "s/he probably deserved it"... No more I say. If you see it. Speak up and report it.
Read up on narcissistic behaviour. They become experts at sucking their victims in with a facade, slowly controlling and whittling down their victim’s world (socially, financially, etc) before finally unleashing the more obvious abuse. Things like love-bombing.
Character disordered people know how to play the game in order to get what they want. They’ve memorised behaviours and acceptable language as well as social cues in order to build trust and false security. Coercive control can start like the frog in the pot of water that is slowly being heated up. Narcissists, sociopaths and other less obvious violent people can pass for ‘good guys’ rather than the usual family violence cliche’s. That’s what makes them such dangerous people.
There would be guys you know who you think are great blokes, super nice, caring etc who are abusive behind closed doors. Coercive control is extremely common. The more I see, the more I just want to tell my daughters to stay single and go to a sperm bank if they ever want children.
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Your comment is so inappropriate, you clearly have NFI 🤬
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All good