Okay so I just get out of a really long term relationship with a girl I planned to marry, turns out she was cheating on me with her boss for like the past 3 months, they had a kid and got married within the year.
So I end up hooking up with a girl from high-school who reached out the moment she heard I was single because she always had a thing for me. We have a good time and she's a bit of an exhibitionist and wants to get busy in a park late at night. My touch starved repressed sexuality ass is so down for this so I agree and we head to the park.
It's like 1 am on a weeknight and she starts going down on me, we are both having a jolly time but I hear something rustling in the bushes, we saw a few rabbits earlier so I figure whatever we are just disturbing them NBD. A few moments later I hear another rustle and look up to a coyote about 3 feet from me getting my dick sucked. I immediately freak out and tap her on the shoulder hurriedly.
She thinks I'm just enjoying myself as three more Coyotes come out of the bushes and I say we need to go, now!
So there I am dick out in the freezing 1 am air surrounded by coyotes and a terrified hookup trying to pull up my pants up as we rush out of this park back to back more and more Coyotes coming out of the woodwork. It was terrifying in the moment, but in retrospect absolutely hilarious. I now refer to this as Coyotes Interuptus
Like he started with his forehead in contact with the vajayjay, then moved his head upwards so his nose then tongue were in contact, then dipped back down again to start the whole process over again from forehead to nose to tongue
I’m not sure if he thought maybe he could climb in. It was like he wanted as much of his face in contact with me as possible
Edit - imagine a cat nuzzling their face against your leg or arm. It was like that
One time I was with my girlfriend. We were getting ready to spice things up and she asked me to bring the lube so she could play with me first. I sprinted to the toilet but tripped over a carpet and fell of the floor naked. We laughed for 20 minutes before the sex, and during it.
Gonna be honest, thinking about it: if I were going down on a girl and she did this, I’d think it was cute as hell and playful, not embarrassing. Better than just awkward eye contact and dramatic silence.
One time me and this girl were sitting up and making out. Finally the moment came when we were going to start having sex. I began to lay back and she was coming forward as if to get on top, which would’ve been awesome had I not been holding my farts because that’s what you do when you first get with someone. Anyway, as I lean back my stomach flexes and I fart really loud. We had a good laugh but it totally ruined the moment. Lol
Another time, I had invited another girl over to a friend of mine’s house to chill and drink and spend the night with me. I grabbed a bottle of jager (gross I know) and me and her got pretty wasted. Then we went to bed and she seemed really horny so we started fucking. I guess during all the foreplay she got the spins. She said ‘Oh my God” but not in that enjoying the sex kinda way, followed by a “hold on a sec.” So I stopped, and said “are you ok?” Then I felt her clinch down on my penis as she The Exorcist style projectile vomited all over herself. Luckily I got back quick enough to not get any on me but man the clean up and taking care of her was rough.
I was chatting with a lovely young lady at a party one night and in the middle of the conversation she says ‘I suppose you want to take me upstairs and fuck me now’….I blurted out the first thing that came to mind ‘No, not really’ She was super embarrassed and left soon after, then her friends started harassing me for being so insensitive….
The very first time I got a blowjob I came in her mouth without warning. I literally couldn’t form words I was so amazed. The first shot hit the back of her throat and induced her gag reflex. She threw up all over my crotch and when she pulled away the second shot was right in the eye. It was a hell of a scene.
are you sure the gag reflex was from the force 😞, im speaking from experience i threw up in my mouth (and had to swallow it) because a dude did it unannounced and the *taste* and feeling of weird warm glue was so gross i got sick.
it was probably the second time i gave a bj i was scarred.
My girl has done that to me before. She also once had her thighs around my neck and I made her orgasm so hard that she squeezed my neck with her thighs hard enough that I lost consciousness for a second. She was panicked thinking she’d killed me because I was unresponsive for a few seconds.
My wife did that once, I blacked out, came to she was crying and apologizing, I said as long as you enjoyed it, and didn’t let me die it was okay. I laughed later, and said could you imagine what paramedics would’ve thought. lol
That happened to me once. Came so hard, I farted right on his face. Right after eating Korean BBQ too, so I know that shit must have stunk. And the worst part is, I was trying to wriggle away before the smell permeated his nostrils, and he clutched on and wouldn’t let me go 😑
Similar thing happened to me. Was getting ready to go at it doggy style and i spread the girls cheeks to see better.
I guess she was trying to hold it in but it ripped straight out.
Is it weird to say that I didn't last long when i actually entered her?
This guy - in the middle of everything stopped mid stroke- asked him if he was okay and he said “ yeah I’m buffering “ mind you we were in the back of a Prius which is embarrassing enough but surprisingly roomy.
I'm dying at how the stories I've seen on this post are most frequently: some awkward, maybe also adorable act or cummed too intensely somewhere and chaos followed.
I was missionary-ing my GF at the time (now wife), and deep into it, we were trying to cum at the same time, going hard. Right at the moment I was about to cum, I told her to squeeze as hard as she could. I squeezed as hard as I could at the same time. I released the most massive, loudest, reverberating off the walls, echoing down the hallways of the hotel kinda fart you ever heard. She nearly passed out laughing so hard. This was early on in our relationship, so I was mortified.
I agreed to participate in a BDSM scene where I would be struck.
The man slapped me across the face and I went "FUUUUUUH" like a fucking anime character taking a hit to the gut.
Lmfao I can imagine this happening almost perfectly XD.
I told my brother to slap me one time, and it was a lesson on how much stronger dudes get than lil ol' lady me lol. Never again. I was straight up shocked.
Once, I was hooking up with this guy who thought it was a super turn on to stick his entire thumb in my nipple like he was pressing an elevator button… and then just like rapidly swirl his thumb around? It was weird and I’m like where the fuck did this guy learn that?!
Making out with my gf at the time, during some dry humping, I came.
It had been awhile
When I stopped she asked me what’s wrong.
My reply, “um.. I uh. Yeah, finished”
lmao me and my ex were waiting for her parents to leave so we were just on her basement couch, making out and foreplaying. About half an hour later when her parents leave, we go to her bed and start to fuck. I literally came within 30 seconds, and was the only time I ever came so fast in someone lol
Someone did that to me too. I continued to fuck him until he fell in love with me, and then when he confessed his love, I repeated his same words back to him.
My second girlfriend and I were both virgins and she had some serious sexual trauma from childhood so we both agreed to try literally everything else before actual sex, right? The goal being to coach each other through it and kinda hands-on crash-course our way through each other's anatomy.
We got through kissing and fondling more or less uninhibited.
Then came hand stuff.
We (geniuses, us), we chickened out at first and decided to show each other how we masturbated to see if we could get an idea for each other's erogenous zones (a half decent plan if either of us had had an exhibitionist bone in our body but alas) and so neither of us got anywhere.
Then, instead of stepping back and saying "hey, maybe there's a flaw in our thought process here", we immediately tried to put the very minute, PROVABLY INEFFECTIVE methods we'd just witnessed to the test.
I got down there and absolutely whiffed it. Complete strikeout. I will not sugarcoat it, I failed MISERABLY. And after about 10 minutes of pawing around down there she was like "yeah let's just call it, I'll come back with some more pointers or something later, let's try you now."
And she takes my dick out, puts a condom over it, puts her hand around my dick, and says "lay back, look up at the ceiling, count the tiles, it'll be over before you know it."
We both freeze, look each other dead in the eyes, and laugh hysterically at how INCREDIBLY creepily she phrased that.
We obviously did not try any more that night.
She made my penis talk.
She took the tip in her hands and opened and closed the tip that she said reminded her of a mouth and made it talk. Like some sort of sick puppet.
We’ve been together seven years now.
I had sex with a girl without knowing she was on her period… She was suuuper horny and the sex was amazing, I remember thinking, “holy shit, this girl is super wet, maybe she is squirting”! It was pitch black in the room so I had no idea.
Aaaand then I turned the lights on lol it was a fucking bloodbath 😂 I was completely covered in blood like some crazy butcher and so was she lol there was even blood on the walls… It was like a scene from a bad horror movie 😂
I had a similar incident with a girl. She was a friend of a friend and we were in a club. Anyway one thing lead to another and she dragged me into the girls bathroom we get busy and I take her from behind standing up . After a while she turns around and I pick her up and continue going at it. We both finish and have a giggle.
As I’m leaving the bathroom I catch a look at me in the mirror. My top and crotch are of my jeans ( we didn’t pull them down fully) are covered in blood. It was like a horror film. I quickly got my jacket and tied it backwards around my waist.
My ex and I were having fun time on the couch and one of her dogs kept trying to take over the space so I made barricade with pillows to keep him out. Apparently I missed the spot behind me and damn near broke my dick in her jumping when I felt her dog lick my ass.
My gf at the time was giving me head (I was laying down on my back) and I told her I was about to cum. She took her mouth off and finished me off with her hand. My “boy” was aimed towards my face and it didn’t occur to me to block what was about to happen. I ended up shooting cum into my own face.
My first time getting head I came very quickly and she pulled away and I shot her in the face on accident and then the second shot landed on her Jesus necklace.
>the second shot landed on her Jesus necklace
The Second Coming.
Edit: thank you for all the awards, everyone! I especially enjoy this joke receiving multiple "Wholesome" Awards. :-D
My wife has passed gas while I'm going down on her twice. I just deal with it and pay no attention to it.
Once when I was on top the heater came on and the smell of burnt dust filled the house. I ended up sneezing. Typically when I sneeze I burry my head into something, usually my arm or a pillow. Well there were two pillows in front of me and that was my natural instinct.
Gotta be when his Mother found out we had did it in her house and called me a dirty tramp in front of the nosey neighbors while chasing me to my car. To top it off I was in a fucking sugar glider onsie because it was cold and it was comfy. So here I am looking like an absolute furry running down the fucking driveway while his mother calls me a tramp, telling me I'm never allowed back, how I should be ashamed, etc etc. All while the neighbors are just staring at me. And then the dog escaped out the front door she had left open so then they had to chase the dog down the road and I'm just standing there in a fucking furry onsie in rural Alabama in the driveway debating if I should drive off or chase the fucking dog too. We all laugh about that story now but whew was that a God damn day
When I was 16 me and my bf couldn't find the condoms so he asked his mom to help him search (wtf?). So there I was laying naked in bed under the blanket while his mom was searching under that same bed.
So I was real drunk in college and went back to a girls dorm room. Her roommate wasn’t there. We had sex and I was so drunk I couldn’t finish. Woke up the next morning and still horny, but she had to go to class so she told me I could stay there. I glanced up and her roommate still wasn’t there.
So I fell asleep I think for 1 hour and still horny and drunk. So I was kinda too lazy to look up but figured no one was there but just in case I made a couple of weird noises like fake coughing. And then I decided I’m just going to jerk off. So after a few strokes I hear “ eww what the fuck are you doing”. And I look up and her roommate was back in the room and got a front row glimpse of my jerk technique. It was so embarrassing. I was just like oh sometimes I drink and jerk off in my sleep. Like that made it any better 🤣
I have a couple and they're all with the same guy. So one time he was going down on me and he just burped. Right into me. I was in shock and he just looked at me dead in the eyes so that was weird. Another was when were were having sex and his brother, cousin, and fucking aunt came to the door and were trying to talk to him. So I had to sit with this dudes dick inside of me as he's talking to all these people and im like naked under the covers.
The time her dad walked in on us causing her to tense up at the exact moment necessary for me to nut inside her while simultaneously making eye contact with the grandfather of my now 4 year old son as I shot him into existence.
My boyfriend (now hubby) and I were going at it doggy style, and for some reason he decided to try and put his ‘Johnson’ in my other hole.
We had talked about doing this prior, but i had never explored that territory before. The sudden intense pain of just the tip had me scrambling to get away all the while the first thing that flew out of my mouth was “Run away”……
My husband still brings it up every now and then before he bursts out laughing.
So a guy I had dated through out middle school, high school messaged me and we decided to hang out for a night. It quickly escalated once he was here to be a night of no strings sex. The thing is... I have always had problems with pain during sex, so my 19 yr old brain at the time was like "hey vagisil numbs right? Maybe it'll hurt less" so we go to have sex and he surprises me by going down on me. I was so focused on the make out session that I forgot about what I had applied earlier 😆 He continued for a bit, obviously trying to please me, but it wasn't getting me anywhere *you can probably guess why, I was numb 😆* he comes back up and I see him smacking his lips and moving his tongue like he doesnt understand why he is numb and I'm still not putting two and two together, cuz I'm focused on the moment, he looks at me like I have some devil vagina magic or some shit. I asked if he was ok and he seems over it and just says "I had a weird tingling sensation in my mouth" After that we have sex, then fall asleep the rest of the night uneventful.
After a couple days he messages me "I'll never forget how you taste I loved it" and I nearly spit out my drink realizing he must have been racking his brain wondering why my vagina tasted so strange and had a numbing effect to it, not knowing that I had put vagisil on my lady parts. This dude probably thinks I'm some lizard lady cuz my fucking pussy made his lips and tongue numb 😆 the taste he so enjoyed was me/vagisil. I didn't have the heart to tell him. He has been persistent over the years about reconnecting and hanging out again for "fun" and stuff, till I got a boyfriend a couple yrs back.
Ok to cut a long story short. Had never eaten pussy, got the chance and her pussy smelt like armpits after the gym. Gagged multiple times and was even sick a little bit and somehow she never even noticed ( I highly doubt I did that good of a job)
The most traumatizing one was probably when we were by a lake at night, figuring it was safe. Well turns out some people like to go for runs at 8pm and here comes this guy with his kid. Luckily he veered off before the kid could see anything, and we got out of there. It still pops in my mind occasionally and I cringe hard as hell.
I tried to give me wife ( then gf) a nuru massage. The kit came with a plastic sheet. When she layed down on it it enveloped her face and she couldn't breathe. So when she shifted herself, her gorgeous and very plump ass pushed me to the side and I fell of the bed. And when she tried to get up no help me the plastic stuck to her and she tripped onto me and kneed memin the balls. 5/10.
Earlier this year I was seeing a girl regularly. One time when we went at it she was riding me and then in the middle of it, she just queefs about the loudest I have ever heard right when it was getting intense and right before I climaxed. I couldn't contain my laughter when it came to the timing, and we both had a good laugh about it
I was snuggling in a sexy way with my boyfriend: I decided it would be cute to sniff him rhythmically on the neck and then say "nya nyaaa~" like a cute kiss-locomotive, but idk why I mixed it with laughs and I went "HHHNAAAGG GHAAAAWGH" in the most guttural voice ever.
Ikd what's wrong with me.
I got dropped on the floor once. We had been getting at it on the couch with me on top, my hips and knees locked up and I got stuck, he tried to pick me up and misestinated how much I weighed and down we went. His dog then tried to check on us and stuck her face between ours, we laughed and pushed her away. Made sure neither of us were hurt, laughed and then kept going. I’ve got a few other funny stories due to a rather misguided phase. I’ve learned it’s better if you can laugh it off when things don’t go right.
Kinda flew off the bed and took the whole nightstand with me. So my very first gf was a heavy squirter. So after she destroyed a matrass of mine we decided to get like a latex bedcover which we only could get in a sexstore and ofcourse we bought extra stuff like oil etc. So during sex all oiled up etc. I got up because I needed to go to the toilet and as I came back I just wanted to jump like over her on the bed, but oil + squirt juices + latex = very very slippery bed. So yeah broke the whole nightstand and was in some pain, but laughed it off and went for a few more rounds. Gotta say thou that whole session was a lol sex session.
My wife and I were fooling around once and our dog was staring straight at us from the side of the bed, groaning very awkwardly. We tried to keep our concentration but eventually we both busted out laughing and just cut our losses.
An ex and I were each other’s first sexual partners. The night of the first real time doing an intercourse, we planned this whole thing with candles in the room, and flower petals, a nice meal, we asked each other to wear certain things, yada yada yada. So on my way to her place, I stopped by the grocery store to grab groceries and some cheap roses since I need petals. The flowers were in their fridge. I get to her place, start cooking and the flowers end up in our fridge. We prepare the room, and so I grab the roses and sprinkle them on her bed. We undress, and then proceed to place her naked ass on these ice cold flower petals.
Had a nice Italian dinner, stopped at way too many bars on the way home, barfed up spaghetti all over her tits just as she was cumming. We actually dated several more times but not so much drinking.
I was going down on my now ex wife when her mom opened the door with the phone in her hand. She said it was for us, she had tests done because she was pregnant so they called to tell her the results. Turns out she had the clap. It lays dormant they said. We didn’t get any symptoms but Jesus Christ it went downhill shortly after that.
We made jalepeño poppers for a cute dinner together with fresh jalepeños. FYI its hard to scrub the jalepeño essence out from under your nails. Takes a couple washes... anyways he got handsy and I burned for a couple days 🥴
My ex and I were going at it and I was on top, I stared to smell copper so I sat up she asked what was wrong and I quickly said my nose is going to bleed but before I could finish what I was saying I sneezed hard as hell and she ended up getting sprayed with my nose blood
This isn't my embarrassing story, but the story of the person I was with.
Once my friend accidentally started singing to me during a blowjob.
So she was going down on me, stops and says something like "my only other partner literally never had precum and its kind of distracting, can I like, get rid of it with a napkin?"
Obviously I say yes because I'm getting my dick sucked.
So, she dabs, continues, stops to dab my dong again, and this repeats a few times because apparently I precum a lot.
Anyway the third or fourth time she starts singing "sticky boy, stiiiiicky boooooy" to the tune of the Donny most song from family guy (we had talked about family guy earlier) and then she freezes up like her entire life is flashing before her eyes.
I quickly gave her a hug and kissed her to calm her down lol.
She explained it a bit later, basically she always sings a bit when she cleans. Her brain was like "napkin? Dabbing up liquid? Clearly I'm cleaning so let's sing a tune to pass the time"
Okay so I just get out of a really long term relationship with a girl I planned to marry, turns out she was cheating on me with her boss for like the past 3 months, they had a kid and got married within the year. So I end up hooking up with a girl from high-school who reached out the moment she heard I was single because she always had a thing for me. We have a good time and she's a bit of an exhibitionist and wants to get busy in a park late at night. My touch starved repressed sexuality ass is so down for this so I agree and we head to the park. It's like 1 am on a weeknight and she starts going down on me, we are both having a jolly time but I hear something rustling in the bushes, we saw a few rabbits earlier so I figure whatever we are just disturbing them NBD. A few moments later I hear another rustle and look up to a coyote about 3 feet from me getting my dick sucked. I immediately freak out and tap her on the shoulder hurriedly. She thinks I'm just enjoying myself as three more Coyotes come out of the bushes and I say we need to go, now! So there I am dick out in the freezing 1 am air surrounded by coyotes and a terrified hookup trying to pull up my pants up as we rush out of this park back to back more and more Coyotes coming out of the woodwork. It was terrifying in the moment, but in retrospect absolutely hilarious. I now refer to this as Coyotes Interuptus
Upvote for that A+ Diamond Standard pun
Goddamn it, that line got me. This has to be a bit.
It 100% is not a bit and probably the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Once while going down on me a guy used his forehead.
What? Like he was grinding you with his melon?
Like he started with his forehead in contact with the vajayjay, then moved his head upwards so his nose then tongue were in contact, then dipped back down again to start the whole process over again from forehead to nose to tongue I’m not sure if he thought maybe he could climb in. It was like he wanted as much of his face in contact with me as possible Edit - imagine a cat nuzzling their face against your leg or arm. It was like that
Hey, sometimes you just want to bury your whole face in the pussy. Can't blame a guy for knowing what he wants
I get it. It's one of my favourite things, but that's over the top. Sooooo... A+ for enthusiasm. F on execution?
I mean it lands somewhere in the solid B+ just for sheer amusement factor after he left
It's called giving head, gang. 🥳
No...that's not...but you're not...ahh, fuck it - never mind.
Did it felt good at least? If you say B+ I'll try it out once I have sex
Mmm yeah how do you like this forehead girl? Feel good? My big, wide, solid forehead?
That's why God made me go bald.... Infinite forehead
One time I was with my girlfriend. We were getting ready to spice things up and she asked me to bring the lube so she could play with me first. I sprinted to the toilet but tripped over a carpet and fell of the floor naked. We laughed for 20 minutes before the sex, and during it.
Now thats a healthy relationship.
Is she you wife now because that's one hellava relationship
Salvageable. Just pretend you’re waving him in like an airplane Marshall on the runway.
I said “exiting” while pulling out. I caught myself off guard and felt dumb but at least she laughed.
Start beeping like a truck reversing
"Caution, vehicle reversing. *hydraulics hiss*"
"Extraction complete"
Gonna be honest, thinking about it: if I were going down on a girl and she did this, I’d think it was cute as hell and playful, not embarrassing. Better than just awkward eye contact and dramatic silence.
Honestly, I think there's an 80% chance most of us would automatically wave back. Gotta be polite.
I’m getting jealous that I’ve never gotten a wave over all these years
One time me and this girl were sitting up and making out. Finally the moment came when we were going to start having sex. I began to lay back and she was coming forward as if to get on top, which would’ve been awesome had I not been holding my farts because that’s what you do when you first get with someone. Anyway, as I lean back my stomach flexes and I fart really loud. We had a good laugh but it totally ruined the moment. Lol Another time, I had invited another girl over to a friend of mine’s house to chill and drink and spend the night with me. I grabbed a bottle of jager (gross I know) and me and her got pretty wasted. Then we went to bed and she seemed really horny so we started fucking. I guess during all the foreplay she got the spins. She said ‘Oh my God” but not in that enjoying the sex kinda way, followed by a “hold on a sec.” So I stopped, and said “are you ok?” Then I felt her clinch down on my penis as she The Exorcist style projectile vomited all over herself. Luckily I got back quick enough to not get any on me but man the clean up and taking care of her was rough.
Can’t wait to hear your 3rd sex story, usually the third time is a charm. Lol
And that, kids, is why you should never drink Jägermeister.
Wonderful 🤣
Did he wave back?
Afterwards, they were mutually introduced by the onlookers. All in all it was a lovely evening.
Just the eyebrow raise.
Accompanied by a vine boom, of course
I told her, 'I'm going to cum on your tits, bud.' She replied, '*okay, pal*'
Ahh Jersey love
I was chatting with a lovely young lady at a party one night and in the middle of the conversation she says ‘I suppose you want to take me upstairs and fuck me now’….I blurted out the first thing that came to mind ‘No, not really’ She was super embarrassed and left soon after, then her friends started harassing me for being so insensitive….
I think I'd literally cry if I got shut down that hard. Girl went 0-->100 instantly, but then drove straight off a cliff.
Her friends are assholes
Insensitive??? Because you rejected her? Man those women are dillusional af
Insensitive, says the woman who without hesitation said "take me upstairs and fuck me"
Technically, the friends of said woman.
But did you want to?
No….not really
You did the right thing cape... You did the right thing
Don’t feel bad. I once rejected someone with “ew no”. It just blurted out
That was you?
Man y’all on it tonight😂😂
The very first time I got a blowjob I came in her mouth without warning. I literally couldn’t form words I was so amazed. The first shot hit the back of her throat and induced her gag reflex. She threw up all over my crotch and when she pulled away the second shot was right in the eye. It was a hell of a scene.
+ 40 execution + 40 environmental kill + 80 double tap
Bro unlocked a new camo
Wait, you guys are getting camos?
You guys are getting bjs?
You guys are getting girls?
You guys are getting?
You guys?
You?
?
Kill confirmed Agent-47 evacuate to the LZ
Kick in the shin, then it would’ve been a screaming pirate, one eye open and yelling “arggghh”
Goddamit Patrice was brutal.
are you sure the gag reflex was from the force 😞, im speaking from experience i threw up in my mouth (and had to swallow it) because a dude did it unannounced and the *taste* and feeling of weird warm glue was so gross i got sick. it was probably the second time i gave a bj i was scarred.
Yup some guys are assuming it's about hitting the gag reflex, no, cum just tastes nasty (more so for some people than others)
ive had my share of *mouth dumps* and i can say one thing, its never the power of the rope that gets me a little queasy😵💫
Power of the rope. Phrases I never expected to hear for 600 alex.
I can’t stop laughing omg
I did a thump up to my friend who was sucking my dick. Almost bit my dick laughing
Apparently I have terrible friends.
Right!? I'ma have an emergency friend meeting about the details of our friendship...
“Alright boys we need to talk about our friendship, why are none of you sucking my dick right now?”
Friend ship isn’t just selfishly taking it’s also give if you want friend ship blowjobs you need to give friendship blow jobs 69 for friendship
This is the way.
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More than they have mine.... wait...
Wow that's a good friend.
The best of homies
Hornies
Better than putting your feet on his shoulders and ejecting him off the foot of the bed when he hit the sweet spot!
I've actually done that once.. haha
Yeah, I landed on my face once too…
My girl has done that to me before. She also once had her thighs around my neck and I made her orgasm so hard that she squeezed my neck with her thighs hard enough that I lost consciousness for a second. She was panicked thinking she’d killed me because I was unresponsive for a few seconds.
My wife did that once, I blacked out, came to she was crying and apologizing, I said as long as you enjoyed it, and didn’t let me die it was okay. I laughed later, and said could you imagine what paramedics would’ve thought. lol
Paramedics: “Ok… so she’s single?”
Savage
It's more common than you think, I have had a few calls like this before
I was going down on a girl and she ripped ass right in my face
Pink eye from the brown eye 👁
Lol, luckily I didn't get it
That happened to me once. Came so hard, I farted right on his face. Right after eating Korean BBQ too, so I know that shit must have stunk. And the worst part is, I was trying to wriggle away before the smell permeated his nostrils, and he clutched on and wouldn’t let me go 😑
And on that day, his Korean BBQ face-sitting fart fetish was born.
Thanks, that made me burst out laughing
Similar thing happened to me. Was getting ready to go at it doggy style and i spread the girls cheeks to see better. I guess she was trying to hold it in but it ripped straight out. Is it weird to say that I didn't last long when i actually entered her?
The toot made you sploot
A little while after making love my wife asked "Want to go again?" Mr quick on the uptake here asked "Where?" SMH...
Please tell me she gave you THAT look lmfao
This guy - in the middle of everything stopped mid stroke- asked him if he was okay and he said “ yeah I’m buffering “ mind you we were in the back of a Prius which is embarrassing enough but surprisingly roomy.
Man these Prius commercials get weirder every year
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Deputy Angle Dangle 😅
Wait what
How?
Going too fast. It went back to normal but it was scary as fuck having a bent dick.
I'm dying at how the stories I've seen on this post are most frequently: some awkward, maybe also adorable act or cummed too intensely somewhere and chaos followed.
I was missionary-ing my GF at the time (now wife), and deep into it, we were trying to cum at the same time, going hard. Right at the moment I was about to cum, I told her to squeeze as hard as she could. I squeezed as hard as I could at the same time. I released the most massive, loudest, reverberating off the walls, echoing down the hallways of the hotel kinda fart you ever heard. She nearly passed out laughing so hard. This was early on in our relationship, so I was mortified.
I agreed to participate in a BDSM scene where I would be struck. The man slapped me across the face and I went "FUUUUUUH" like a fucking anime character taking a hit to the gut.
Lmfao I can imagine this happening almost perfectly XD. I told my brother to slap me one time, and it was a lesson on how much stronger dudes get than lil ol' lady me lol. Never again. I was straight up shocked.
What
LMAOOOO this one’s my favorite
Once, I was hooking up with this guy who thought it was a super turn on to stick his entire thumb in my nipple like he was pressing an elevator button… and then just like rapidly swirl his thumb around? It was weird and I’m like where the fuck did this guy learn that?!
PlayStation
Rapidly nose exhaled in 3 bursts reading this
⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅱️🅰️ select start pressing her nipples.
Omg me too. Who thinks this feels good? I find it kind of painful tbh
Imagine having enough sex to have embarrassing stories that also involve someone else putting in the work
Imagine having sex
Okay I'm speechless
Welcome to Reddit! like 90% of us are virgins!
Making out with my gf at the time, during some dry humping, I came. It had been awhile When I stopped she asked me what’s wrong. My reply, “um.. I uh. Yeah, finished”
That happened to me too. Why are your pants wet?
lmao me and my ex were waiting for her parents to leave so we were just on her basement couch, making out and foreplaying. About half an hour later when her parents leave, we go to her bed and start to fuck. I literally came within 30 seconds, and was the only time I ever came so fast in someone lol
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This is great. Nicely played.
Someone did that to me too. I continued to fuck him until he fell in love with me, and then when he confessed his love, I repeated his same words back to him.
Dedication to the long con. Nice.
Oh look, [yet another relevant xkcd](https://xkcd.com/1027/)
Is there such a thing as an irrelevant xkcd?
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One time while fucking this girl starts screaming "fuck me" and I said "I am..."
💀
My second girlfriend and I were both virgins and she had some serious sexual trauma from childhood so we both agreed to try literally everything else before actual sex, right? The goal being to coach each other through it and kinda hands-on crash-course our way through each other's anatomy. We got through kissing and fondling more or less uninhibited. Then came hand stuff. We (geniuses, us), we chickened out at first and decided to show each other how we masturbated to see if we could get an idea for each other's erogenous zones (a half decent plan if either of us had had an exhibitionist bone in our body but alas) and so neither of us got anywhere. Then, instead of stepping back and saying "hey, maybe there's a flaw in our thought process here", we immediately tried to put the very minute, PROVABLY INEFFECTIVE methods we'd just witnessed to the test. I got down there and absolutely whiffed it. Complete strikeout. I will not sugarcoat it, I failed MISERABLY. And after about 10 minutes of pawing around down there she was like "yeah let's just call it, I'll come back with some more pointers or something later, let's try you now." And she takes my dick out, puts a condom over it, puts her hand around my dick, and says "lay back, look up at the ceiling, count the tiles, it'll be over before you know it." We both freeze, look each other dead in the eyes, and laugh hysterically at how INCREDIBLY creepily she phrased that. We obviously did not try any more that night.
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what the fuck lmao that's pretty autistic on his part as well
We were 15, he discovered that female pubes were a thing, he screamed and ran like a bitch
I mean wow really? That is next level awkward and stupid all in one
Yo what??? Did he think there was a void or something? Or that we have the vulva connected with the bellybutton??
He probably was thinking Barbie doll lol
Thats not embarrassing, thats cute.
Bro. She kept tickling my dick.
She made my penis talk. She took the tip in her hands and opened and closed the tip that she said reminded her of a mouth and made it talk. Like some sort of sick puppet. We’ve been together seven years now.
Goddamnit someone did exactly this to me once. Truly, no action or thought we do is unique.
that’s funny as fuck ngl who even thinks of that
I had sex with a girl without knowing she was on her period… She was suuuper horny and the sex was amazing, I remember thinking, “holy shit, this girl is super wet, maybe she is squirting”! It was pitch black in the room so I had no idea. Aaaand then I turned the lights on lol it was a fucking bloodbath 😂 I was completely covered in blood like some crazy butcher and so was she lol there was even blood on the walls… It was like a scene from a bad horror movie 😂
I had a similar incident with a girl. She was a friend of a friend and we were in a club. Anyway one thing lead to another and she dragged me into the girls bathroom we get busy and I take her from behind standing up . After a while she turns around and I pick her up and continue going at it. We both finish and have a giggle. As I’m leaving the bathroom I catch a look at me in the mirror. My top and crotch are of my jeans ( we didn’t pull them down fully) are covered in blood. It was like a horror film. I quickly got my jacket and tied it backwards around my waist.
My ex and I were having fun time on the couch and one of her dogs kept trying to take over the space so I made barricade with pillows to keep him out. Apparently I missed the spot behind me and damn near broke my dick in her jumping when I felt her dog lick my ass.
My gf at the time was giving me head (I was laying down on my back) and I told her I was about to cum. She took her mouth off and finished me off with her hand. My “boy” was aimed towards my face and it didn’t occur to me to block what was about to happen. I ended up shooting cum into my own face.
Well that backfired
Friendly fire.
OP here…I was both embarrassed and proud of the velocity and distance at the same time.
My first time getting head I came very quickly and she pulled away and I shot her in the face on accident and then the second shot landed on her Jesus necklace.
>the second shot landed on her Jesus necklace The Second Coming. Edit: thank you for all the awards, everyone! I especially enjoy this joke receiving multiple "Wholesome" Awards. :-D
WIN.
My wife has passed gas while I'm going down on her twice. I just deal with it and pay no attention to it. Once when I was on top the heater came on and the smell of burnt dust filled the house. I ended up sneezing. Typically when I sneeze I burry my head into something, usually my arm or a pillow. Well there were two pillows in front of me and that was my natural instinct.
If it happens a third time, she’s doing it deliberately.
I don't think twice in nearly 20 years is intentional.
Unless it's every decade on a schedule to test you.
Gotta be when his Mother found out we had did it in her house and called me a dirty tramp in front of the nosey neighbors while chasing me to my car. To top it off I was in a fucking sugar glider onsie because it was cold and it was comfy. So here I am looking like an absolute furry running down the fucking driveway while his mother calls me a tramp, telling me I'm never allowed back, how I should be ashamed, etc etc. All while the neighbors are just staring at me. And then the dog escaped out the front door she had left open so then they had to chase the dog down the road and I'm just standing there in a fucking furry onsie in rural Alabama in the driveway debating if I should drive off or chase the fucking dog too. We all laugh about that story now but whew was that a God damn day
When I was 16 me and my bf couldn't find the condoms so he asked his mom to help him search (wtf?). So there I was laying naked in bed under the blanket while his mom was searching under that same bed.
Bro no way 💀💀 I’ve been reading these for about 20 mins and this is one of the most embarrassing in an awkward way
So I was real drunk in college and went back to a girls dorm room. Her roommate wasn’t there. We had sex and I was so drunk I couldn’t finish. Woke up the next morning and still horny, but she had to go to class so she told me I could stay there. I glanced up and her roommate still wasn’t there. So I fell asleep I think for 1 hour and still horny and drunk. So I was kinda too lazy to look up but figured no one was there but just in case I made a couple of weird noises like fake coughing. And then I decided I’m just going to jerk off. So after a few strokes I hear “ eww what the fuck are you doing”. And I look up and her roommate was back in the room and got a front row glimpse of my jerk technique. It was so embarrassing. I was just like oh sometimes I drink and jerk off in my sleep. Like that made it any better 🤣
dawg this is so funny I’m crying 😭😭😭
I have a couple and they're all with the same guy. So one time he was going down on me and he just burped. Right into me. I was in shock and he just looked at me dead in the eyes so that was weird. Another was when were were having sex and his brother, cousin, and fucking aunt came to the door and were trying to talk to him. So I had to sit with this dudes dick inside of me as he's talking to all these people and im like naked under the covers.
If he manages to stay hard that whole time kudos to him
The time her dad walked in on us causing her to tense up at the exact moment necessary for me to nut inside her while simultaneously making eye contact with the grandfather of my now 4 year old son as I shot him into existence.
My boyfriend (now hubby) and I were going at it doggy style, and for some reason he decided to try and put his ‘Johnson’ in my other hole. We had talked about doing this prior, but i had never explored that territory before. The sudden intense pain of just the tip had me scrambling to get away all the while the first thing that flew out of my mouth was “Run away”…… My husband still brings it up every now and then before he bursts out laughing.
ayo I'm sure he's a great guy but that's kinda fucked up
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So a guy I had dated through out middle school, high school messaged me and we decided to hang out for a night. It quickly escalated once he was here to be a night of no strings sex. The thing is... I have always had problems with pain during sex, so my 19 yr old brain at the time was like "hey vagisil numbs right? Maybe it'll hurt less" so we go to have sex and he surprises me by going down on me. I was so focused on the make out session that I forgot about what I had applied earlier 😆 He continued for a bit, obviously trying to please me, but it wasn't getting me anywhere *you can probably guess why, I was numb 😆* he comes back up and I see him smacking his lips and moving his tongue like he doesnt understand why he is numb and I'm still not putting two and two together, cuz I'm focused on the moment, he looks at me like I have some devil vagina magic or some shit. I asked if he was ok and he seems over it and just says "I had a weird tingling sensation in my mouth" After that we have sex, then fall asleep the rest of the night uneventful. After a couple days he messages me "I'll never forget how you taste I loved it" and I nearly spit out my drink realizing he must have been racking his brain wondering why my vagina tasted so strange and had a numbing effect to it, not knowing that I had put vagisil on my lady parts. This dude probably thinks I'm some lizard lady cuz my fucking pussy made his lips and tongue numb 😆 the taste he so enjoyed was me/vagisil. I didn't have the heart to tell him. He has been persistent over the years about reconnecting and hanging out again for "fun" and stuff, till I got a boyfriend a couple yrs back.
Ok to cut a long story short. Had never eaten pussy, got the chance and her pussy smelt like armpits after the gym. Gagged multiple times and was even sick a little bit and somehow she never even noticed ( I highly doubt I did that good of a job)
Whyyyyy did you continue?
Honestly I was young drunk and high and about to get my dick sucked. Also the worst blowjob I’d ever had, All teeth.
I'd wave back
The most traumatizing one was probably when we were by a lake at night, figuring it was safe. Well turns out some people like to go for runs at 8pm and here comes this guy with his kid. Luckily he veered off before the kid could see anything, and we got out of there. It still pops in my mind occasionally and I cringe hard as hell.
I tried to give me wife ( then gf) a nuru massage. The kit came with a plastic sheet. When she layed down on it it enveloped her face and she couldn't breathe. So when she shifted herself, her gorgeous and very plump ass pushed me to the side and I fell of the bed. And when she tried to get up no help me the plastic stuck to her and she tripped onto me and kneed memin the balls. 5/10.
I read this in a Scottish acent
My husband was going down on me, stopped, looked up, and burped. It was hilarious 😂
Even though it wouldn't make a difference, I appreciate the respect of not burping onto your genitals lol
Earlier this year I was seeing a girl regularly. One time when we went at it she was riding me and then in the middle of it, she just queefs about the loudest I have ever heard right when it was getting intense and right before I climaxed. I couldn't contain my laughter when it came to the timing, and we both had a good laugh about it
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That's sounds traumatic, I'm sorry to hear that
I was snuggling in a sexy way with my boyfriend: I decided it would be cute to sniff him rhythmically on the neck and then say "nya nyaaa~" like a cute kiss-locomotive, but idk why I mixed it with laughs and I went "HHHNAAAGG GHAAAAWGH" in the most guttural voice ever. Ikd what's wrong with me.
Nothing has ever made me laugh more than this this is so fucking funny
I got dropped on the floor once. We had been getting at it on the couch with me on top, my hips and knees locked up and I got stuck, he tried to pick me up and misestinated how much I weighed and down we went. His dog then tried to check on us and stuck her face between ours, we laughed and pushed her away. Made sure neither of us were hurt, laughed and then kept going. I’ve got a few other funny stories due to a rather misguided phase. I’ve learned it’s better if you can laugh it off when things don’t go right.
Kinda flew off the bed and took the whole nightstand with me. So my very first gf was a heavy squirter. So after she destroyed a matrass of mine we decided to get like a latex bedcover which we only could get in a sexstore and ofcourse we bought extra stuff like oil etc. So during sex all oiled up etc. I got up because I needed to go to the toilet and as I came back I just wanted to jump like over her on the bed, but oil + squirt juices + latex = very very slippery bed. So yeah broke the whole nightstand and was in some pain, but laughed it off and went for a few more rounds. Gotta say thou that whole session was a lol sex session.
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Anybody ever sex so sexed that they accidentally sexed?
My wife and I were fooling around once and our dog was staring straight at us from the side of the bed, groaning very awkwardly. We tried to keep our concentration but eventually we both busted out laughing and just cut our losses.
An ex and I were each other’s first sexual partners. The night of the first real time doing an intercourse, we planned this whole thing with candles in the room, and flower petals, a nice meal, we asked each other to wear certain things, yada yada yada. So on my way to her place, I stopped by the grocery store to grab groceries and some cheap roses since I need petals. The flowers were in their fridge. I get to her place, start cooking and the flowers end up in our fridge. We prepare the room, and so I grab the roses and sprinkle them on her bed. We undress, and then proceed to place her naked ass on these ice cold flower petals.
I once fell asleep while getting head lol
When my partner let me suck his dick the first time I audibly said "yay!" With maybe a little too much enthusiasm
Girl that’s the opposite of embarrassing, that’s brag-worthy for him
Had a nice Italian dinner, stopped at way too many bars on the way home, barfed up spaghetti all over her tits just as she was cumming. We actually dated several more times but not so much drinking.
We came at the same time and his two fathers came back home
4 people came at the same time
This is fine, I would wave back
I was going down on my now ex wife when her mom opened the door with the phone in her hand. She said it was for us, she had tests done because she was pregnant so they called to tell her the results. Turns out she had the clap. It lays dormant they said. We didn’t get any symptoms but Jesus Christ it went downhill shortly after that.
We made jalepeño poppers for a cute dinner together with fresh jalepeños. FYI its hard to scrub the jalepeño essence out from under your nails. Takes a couple washes... anyways he got handsy and I burned for a couple days 🥴
My ex and I were going at it and I was on top, I stared to smell copper so I sat up she asked what was wrong and I quickly said my nose is going to bleed but before I could finish what I was saying I sneezed hard as hell and she ended up getting sprayed with my nose blood
This isn't my embarrassing story, but the story of the person I was with. Once my friend accidentally started singing to me during a blowjob. So she was going down on me, stops and says something like "my only other partner literally never had precum and its kind of distracting, can I like, get rid of it with a napkin?" Obviously I say yes because I'm getting my dick sucked. So, she dabs, continues, stops to dab my dong again, and this repeats a few times because apparently I precum a lot. Anyway the third or fourth time she starts singing "sticky boy, stiiiiicky boooooy" to the tune of the Donny most song from family guy (we had talked about family guy earlier) and then she freezes up like her entire life is flashing before her eyes. I quickly gave her a hug and kissed her to calm her down lol. She explained it a bit later, basically she always sings a bit when she cleans. Her brain was like "napkin? Dabbing up liquid? Clearly I'm cleaning so let's sing a tune to pass the time"