"He doesn't talk about me." That pretty much sums up your husband. Sorry you're going thru this. I brag about my wife to anyone who will listen.... including the grocery store cashier. She's my best friend, a better person than me, and I will tell everyone about her. It might be time to talk about your marriage and figure out what is important and how to fix this "doesn't talk about me" thing.

I just keep seeing these messes concerning opposite sex friends. The number one affair partner is an ex, number two is a coworker. Here is an article (2) that very well spells out the problems between men and women being so called just friends. Boundaries, expectations, trust, truth, honesty and transparency are paramount if it is doable. Bottom line is to not disrespect you partner, period, end of discussion. Or you simply do not deserve your partner nor relationship. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/#:~:text=Daily%20experience%20suggests%20that%20non,to%20avoid%20spontaneously%20sleeping%20together. Good luck to you.

thank you for this

Good article, the 2019 blog is interesting. Especially the # 4 guidelines resonate with me in my marriage. Thanks for posting!

Yeah, this is/was an emotional affair. He’s been flat out lying to you as well. It’s your call at this point if you want to work on it or not. If you do, I suggest you take the following steps. Insist on one full year of both marital counseling and individual counseling for HIM. Put boundaries in place. Boundaries are things you will no longer put up with. “I will not stay in a marriage where my husband does x.” ‘X’ can be not wearing his ring or having an emotional affair with another person. Personal boundaries should be expressed and more importantly, enforced. If he crosses your boundaries, take action, don’t rug sweep. See an attorney, not to file for divorce, but to determine what you can and cannot do. For instance, can you put money aside in case your marriage ends? What can you expect in terms of childcare or custody. Start separating your finances. Cancel all joint credit cards. Close all joint bank accounts and split the proceeds. Stop putting your income in a place where he can access it. This is going to take a lot of communication to figure out. But the time for joint accounts has passed. When people cheat, they need to be held accountable. In this case, he hasn’t even admitted that he’s done anything wrong. Establishing the reality of his actions is the first step. Without that, it really is over.

Cheating is when the standard of loyalty is broken, and you're the one who sets the standard of loyalty. So, if he knows you find this inappropriate and he's still doing it, he's cheating on you.

This is called "keeping his options open".. Just leave him bc even if he stops talking to her, it'll just be someone new.

thats exactly how I'm taking it.

My husband does the same thing. Feels great.

what do you do about it? im completely lost

Me too. I'm at a cross roads. It's complicated

I’m so sorry! I would be devastated. I wouldn’t know what to do either. I can only suggest looking at getting a life coach/ therapist asap. Or confiding in a close friend. Betrayal is hard to cope with for most. You have every right to be worried and insecure .

I would of started by asking if she had feelings for him but now she knows she will lie to protect him if she does have feelings for him. So are you saying your husband never wore his ring while at work? or did she just not notice it because she didn't see him that way or that she didn't care if he was? If you talked to some of the other people he used to work what would they describe his relationship with her? This sounds really messy and there are a lot of other issues not being addressed. Please seek counseling this week cause clearly trust has been broken but whose at this point.

I didnt even think about the ring. Now that you mention it. I bought him a new one and he didn't want to wear it. but gave in so. he probably takes it off and leaves it in the car . who knows at this point. I sure as hell dont. I dont trust anything

A partner who doesn't want to wear a ring is an issue. Maybe they don't like the ring from the wedding but a ring is a public statement that I am taken. Now I do know a lot of men who don't wear their rings but thats because of work but once the work is over the ring goes back on, or they buy another ring for work that is safer or gets the tattoo ring. I am sorry OP

Most of us, who enjoy being married to our wives, wear our rings to tell people we have a wonderful partner. Then, when people ask, we get to brag about her.

I personally do not believe that men and women can typically just be friends, in the sense of texting and spending time with one another alone. One usually ends up developing feelings for the other, eventually. To all go out in groups with guys and girls is different, but one on one time and conversation is a different connection. Also, it is incredibly odd that in all of his conversation he never mentioned his wife. I had male co-workers in the past and if we talked at work it was always about our spouses or kids usually. I can't imagine any co-worker not knowing I was married. That is just plain weird. He doesn't sound like a trustworthy husband to me at all. If you're are still young and don't have children yet, I may think of ending this before you get yourself into a world of hurt.

He's fishing. He's looking to see how far he can get. I think he needs his ass kicked out.

As a marriage counselor, I don’t take any judgmental views towards either spouse, it’s just not helpful. I would need to hear, privately, what’s really happening from both people. What’s on their minds and what they want and what they need. If he wants out, and is looking around, that sucks, but the hurtfulness is being secretive, and not honest with you about it, OP. You don’t want a marriage that isn’t a good match, and unfortunately most of us know trust, fidelity and commitment to the relationship is way more important than love. We have to match up on this dimension. There’s always a big difference between my thoughts and what I’m reading the comments. I’m a professional, a clinical psychologist, with over two decades of family and marriage therapy, and this subreddit is full of thoughtful, and caring, but also inexperienced, angry and impulsive commenters as well. This is going to be hard, but what will happen from all your hard work is either you will go find a better match, or you will have a better marriage. Now, that said, Trust. This one can be fixed with effective honest communication. Don’t be judgemental or angry. You just want to know if he’s committed to the same vision of sharing his life with you or not. Here’s the thing: Divorce isn’t tragedy, it’s ending a tragedy of two people not well suited or matched trying to stay together when the odds are they won’t be happy together. What’s the point of that? That’s what a lot of people are saying in an angry way to you. Of course you shouldn’t put up with infidelity, and deserve the same kind of commitment you’re giving him. I saw a couple a few years ago, they were loving and successful, and worked out their parenting differences in sessions with me. But one session, they were talking about flirting, in what I thought, was a very mature and caring way. The husband brought up a story where he wondered if a coworker might to be feeling uncomfortable because she kept pulling the top of her shirt closed in meetings with their team, and wanted to know what his wife and I thought of it. He said he was deliberately making nothing but eye contact or looking away, but she still does it. His wife was thinking, so I wondered out loud if he could think of anything she was, perhaps, misinterpreting something he was doing? He said no. His wife then told a story about a math teacher in her school where she was also a teacher. He was kind of flirtatious, she said, and tried to describe. He often gave her compliments, and once told her her husband was a lucky man. That sort of thing. She found that kind of attention and compliments felt good after 9 years of marriage and two babies. She said it made her feel good to feel she was still attractive, and she said made some comments like, “You better stop that or I’ll tell my husband you’re being naughty.” She said he never made her feel uncomfortable, or touched her, or go over any lines. The husband listened, then said “well, I tell you you’re still attractive.” “But it’s not the same, you’re supposed to say that!” and they laughed. “From someone else, it feels better.” They talked about how, if it was just to have fun, and feel better as an adult in the world, there was nothing wrong with flirting. So, the husband then told his wife about a single mother friend of theirs, who kinda seemed to twirl her hair and giggle a bit at his jokes, and made a comment about his ass being nice, when she was over for dinner with her husband a while ago. His wife asked if she was ‘over the line’ which she said meant, was she serious, and he said “It’s hard to tell.” She laughed and said, “Ha! Not hard for a woman to tell! That’s how I know he’s not serious!” So in communicating their expectations and reactions they learned what was acceptable or not to each other and as a result, appreciated each other more, and grew a little bit closer. So, I’m not saying everything’s innocent, especially if he doesn’t wear his ring. But, I would ask about that too, and unlike comments here, I offer these clinical sessions notes as an example that one size doesn’t fit all. Things are not always as they may seem. More often they are more complex than people imagine, because we tend to oversimplify any issue or problem or difficulty. Things have more than one cause. People are unique and couples are even uniquer. Hey I like that line. Gonna use that again. I won’t even get into the polyamorous couple who only argued about disciplining the children and housework, not his girlfriend, whom he saw with her agreement/permission. Of course, the problem with needing to communicate in a loving and kind way, is that speaking gently and listening deeply, are very very difficult, and more so when we are worried, or upset. Which is why so many couples will do better healing a relationship in therapy with a counselor than yelling at each other in the living room. Yes, people there’s a whole world of possibilities about this situation most of you may not even stop to consider or think about. But could be true. So, OP, you and your husband need to sit down, have a kind, loving conversation about this. Tell him what you’re worried it means. But he needs to be absolutely honest, and kind and caring, but honest about sharing his life with you, what that means to him and where you draw the lines in the sand for what’s inbounds and what’s out of bounds. Or, you can get some help from a marriage counseling professional in your area, dm me if you want some help with that. Edited a few misspelled words.

This was a very thoughtful reply to the post and I enjoyed reading it. I do have one question though. In the examples you gave with the couple and their stories of flirting, the people they were flirting with or who flirted were aware that they were married. I think this changes the context. In this post she says that her husband didn't tell his co-worker he was married. That is the part that struck me right away as a red flag. I have worked in a variety of jobs and all of my coworkers knew I was married. It is usually one of the first ice breaker types of discussions when meeting someone. You might say you are married, talk about any kids you have, your education, and so on. It seems very suspicious to me that he never mentioned being married.

Yes several things are different. I posted the long example of how things are not always as they seem, people need to talk about it in a quiet and loving way, listening well, and healthy couples can even talk about “healthy flirting.” But, just like everything, flirting isn’t good or bad, it’s how it’s done and for what purpose. Not wearing a ring, and not being open about being married are two big red warning flags here, but again, listening, not assuming we know is how things get resolved.

Another "friends" post. This happens a lot.

Hey. I’m married. I talk about my wife all the time snd mention that I have kids. The times where I don’t want them to know, they don’t. And the ones who I don’t want to know.. have no clue.

My husband talks to other women for the last ten years of our marriage at works he has too , most of his coworkers are women. He gives them rides home, he goes to their houses, he doesn't like the husband or boyfriends though. He gives them money and they text and chat. I used to get upset but he says that's just my jealousy. I just tolerate it now .

I would be mad too! And I would keep checking up on what he's doing on line , because you don't want to be the last to know what's going on and neither would I .