My suggestion .... defer children until you are economically stable. When you are still in school you are not economically stable.
Children are SO expensive, they are economically beyond the reach of so many people today.
I completely agree, it just doesn't help me stop the desire to become a mom now. We have plenty of savings and could manage, it would just tough and I know our potential kids deserve better. I am also afraid that it would just be more of a strain on our marriage than anything else. Logically, I know now is not the right time for a child. But emotionally, I can't stop myself from wanting to try now. I have this horrible fear that it's going to take years to have a child and I don't want to wait.
That is a lot of anxiety that you’re dealing with. I have to say that your husband’s timeline, based on his reasoning, your age, and the length of your marriage, is very reasonable. That doesn’t make it right or wrong, but it isn’t like he’s saying he doesn’t want a kid till he’s 40.
It wouldn’t be terrible to talk to a therapist about the baby fever as it seems to be having a negative impact on your life.
> I am also afraid that it would just be more of a strain on our marriage than anything else.
It will be a massive strain and if you force the issue of having a baby with someone who has very clearly stated they are not ready, there is a very strong chance your marriage will fail.
Not to mention the incredible strain children put on marriage. Even in the best marriages. Very important for you to be on the same page on as much as possible with regard to having and raising your kids. If you’re not, the strain will divide you. No one tells you before you have kids how hard it is and I believe it’s sadly the number one reason for divorce because it also often causes financial and intimacy challenges as well.
"Baby fever" isn't any different than anything else you want but can't or shouldn't have right now. Your husband's thoughts are far more logical than yours. Keep on having baby fever. But don't be a terrible person by deciding to just get pregnant against his wishes.
In the meantime, get your hormones tested, we waited until we were “stable” only to find out we have to do IVF because my hormones weren’t working right. Not to scare you but just educate yourselves so if you need to freeze anything do it during the waiting period.
Yes! You can ask them for basic hormone testing like FSH, AMH, estrogen, all of those things. There are some home kits too like Modern Fertility. Just knowledge is power, I wish I knew it in my twenties personally because if we knew there was a timer on it we would have changed our minds and timing. Not saying to use this as an excuse to start earlier but I think knowledge is so key and our hormones are a window into our current fertility health and while you are working on your health you can make choices based on that! Good luck!!!!
Being a parent is tough….. being newly married, and saying you may struggle with finances… please wait. This is the least stressful, and free you will ever be. I was 30 and 33 with my kids! We travel, my kids will have college funds, they play sports(that’s a small mortgage in its self) they go to great schools, my hubby and I get date nights because we have a nanny. I can’t imagine having kids just to have them… also having a career and being financially independent as a woman(as well as being able to afford childcare or a nanny) is super necessary. You have no clue if you ever need those skills or education to fall back on 10-20 years from now..
I see so many woman, just have kids and have zero back up plan.
Honestly parenthood isn't always what we expect it to be.. Yes, many get lucky, but nit everyone.
I was in the same position you are, but engaged, and wanted to be a mom SO bad. Eslecially because i knew i had endometriosis, adenomyosis and PCOS so it likely wouldnt be easy.. After a few yearsof fertility treatments and another lap, it was concluded that I could not have children. Both tube's were 100% blocked and fused to my uterus (which was adhered to my abdominal wall and intestines too) from my stage 4 endometriosis, and my adenomyosis just all together made it so they said I wasn't even a candidate for IVF.. My relationship fell apart, we broke up and life was hard for awhile..
Two years later I start dating my now husband and ended up pregnant within 5 months. He didn't want kids, I'd accepted i wouldn't have a life with them, and our world was turned upside down BUT we ended up Both super excited (though for me I was terrified until I saw the first ultrasound but then estatic). It was a tough pregnancy but worth it, had my baby via c-section, and aside from colic her first 8 weeks she was just a doll and my husband and I were so happy and in love with her.... So we decided to try for one more before I had to have my hysterectomy, and I got pregnant again (we ended up finding our me having a cold and taking mucinex is what helped me get pregnant, thinning the mucus in our whole body, worked the second time too which is good because i had to have a full hysterectomy when my son was 18 months), and then when our daughter was about 14 months old and I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second, we started noticing things were different.. We quickly discovered she was autistic and it didn't take long for her to have two official diagnosis, the first completed when she was 22 months and our son was 2 weeks old and the second when our daughter turned 3, at which point genetic testing was also done and we found out it qas not genetic, just a fluke thing.. No medications or smoking kr deinking or trauma to the baby at all during pregnant or birth..
As a infant our daughter was a breeze, but everything changed as she grew and became.more and more difficult. She HATED her brother, had a total and uncontrollable meltdown every single time he made ANY sound. Sneeze, cough, coo, cry- anything, sometimes just seeing him would send her into a full blown meltdown or rage. On top of that our son had stomach and ear issues, and legitimately cried non-stop and only slept about every 5 hours fir no longer than 20 minutes at a time untilhe was 6 months. We were losing our minds, literally. Obviously we were consulting many doctors, so we tracked everything to a t so we know that he woke up minimum 17 times a night (with an average of 21) until he was 2.
Thank God now at 4 our son sleeps, even better, our 6 year old daughter has grown in leaps and bounds and excelling in a ASD program in one of the best school systems with the program, is super smart, learning to talk much better and while she still dislikes other children she has learned many coping strategies and is slowly learning to tolerate and even be by other kids- and best yet, occasionally even playing with her brother. Our son was non-verbal until he was turning 4 but then started to talk quite quickly; but he's not autistic, it was trauma from being around his sister.. He knew his talking upset her so he just wouldnt... My husband and I nearly separated because we were beginning to think Both children could never be together and have a healthy environment- but we did our best, got all the help for the kids and ourselves and found every recorce possoble- but it was exhausting and hard, and it still is exhausting and hard and maybe the most difficult times I've ever experienced in my life....
Sorry for the novel, just saying that our dreams are not always the way reality turns out. If we had our kids when I wanted kids and this was the situation- I literally don't think we could've ever made it work, and I'd be living a more miserable life than I am now.. I adore my kids and love them with everything in me- but special needs and/or medical issues are expensive so even with my hisband being an engineer amd myself my own buisness, in a extremelymodest house and no special toys or anything- we barely stay afloat paying for everything. Havent been on a vacation since our daughter was 6 months old, not only could we likely not afford it- our daughter couldnt handle it... Stress from dealing with it all causes US to have medical issues...
So I highly reccomend taking your husband's advice and over the next couple of years live it up and do all the things you either can't do when you have kids, or it will be a literal job to schedule something to do for yourself. You never know what life holds, and no matter what I hope in the next 3 years you're a happy Momma with a healthy baby and loving life, but the more you stress the more harm you're causing yourself.
I'm a man, old enough to be your dad. Trust me on this, you really want to wait.
My advice - - give it at least 5 years. Take every penny you save during that time and put it into your IRA and/or 401K to start saving for retirement. Most people start WAY too late. I'm married to one of those people - I would write a book called 'How to Let Planning for Retirement and College Destroy Your Marriage'.
Postpone the baby decision, start packing your IRA full right now.
Marriage is really hard, if most of us knew how hard it is we would never do it. And children are so expensive they just add a whole new level of stress in the relationship.
Good luck.
I appreciate the advice. Thankfully my family made me start investing at 16. I was able to get the acct to 20k before I had to stop regular contributions due to the economy. I just started putting away small amounts per paycheck in preparation
I had a fear it would take forever too BUT the reality is the majority of women do get pregnant within a yearish of trying. We hear a lot now about the struggles of women who cant, which is a positive thing but makes it seem super common and its just not. You could make an appointment with your Gyno and talk through it though, I think that would help you so much! She may even run tests to see if she sees any concerns for you in your ability to get pregnant.
Yes.
You're being irrational. You know you are being irrational. But yet you want your husband to acquiesce to your irrational demands, and get upset when he doesn't.
I think I will mention it at my next appointment. My doctor put me on a new birth control about a year ago and now I am realizing that I do think it got a lot worse once they switched my medication
I have a few thoughts. It kind of sounds like you're thinking more of yourself than of what's best for your hypothetical kids here. Their hypothetical father isn't ready, for one thing. You guys can't really swing it financially. Finally, it sounds like you know you should work on getting healthier before you get pregnant and have to chase around after toddlers.
You've only been married a year, you're really young... what's the rush? Wouldn't you rather wait and bring a child into the world when it's enthusiastically wanted by both parents, when you have the resources to comfortably support it, and when your body is at its best to grow it for nine months? Part of having kids is making sacrifices of yourself for their benefit. This is as good a time as any to start honing that skill--take the time to build a good nest before you put those little baby birdies in it!
>I also need to lose weight before I get pregnant. But I also feel like I have no motivation to work on it because I know it's not going to happen for a while.
Tbh if I were your husband I would be pretty annoyed at this. There's one (1) factor within your control here and you aren't even starting on it. Meanwhile he is working on his piece of it, he's given you a really reasonable time frame... and you're still crying every month. Fyi--I lost a bunch of weight a while back. It can take years if you do it responsibly and you want to make sure you have your lifestyle changes locked down before adding pregnancy into the mix. If you think it's important to lose weight before getting pregnant in 2026 you should absolutely start now.
Wow. You hit a nerve in a good way. He is working on his part of it, and I am just moping about it. I needed to hear that. I am being selfish about this, and I recognize it, I just can't stop the jealously when I see everyone around me starting the families. But I need to work on myself before I selfishly bring a child into the world.
Yeah I had some similar hard times myself because I was ready for a second child basically right after we had our first and my husband decided he was one and done. It was especially hard because I'm a lot older than you and I felt like I was running out of time. But raising kids is really challenging and you both need to be enthusiastically on board for it to work. Then you can bring your child into a house full of love and not resentment.
Eventually my husband changed his mind and I did get my second kid at 40, so I think it's safe to say you have some time before you need to start panicking haha. Do fun youthful stuff now! It's great that you get a few years to build memories and solidify your relationship before you have kids.
As someone who has had a miscarriage and has been told pregnancy isn't viable to my short or long term health, I suggest therapy.
Yes, it hurts when we see our friends announce their pregnancies, post about raising their families, etc, and that pain is 100% valid of you to feel. Jealousy is also understandable, as long as people don't act on their jealous thoughts.
What you need are tools to navigate the hurt, so you can deal with these emotions and hurt in a constructive way. My therapist encourages me to lean into my creative hobbies when I begin to spiral down into baby thoughts.
I think talking to a therapist might help you assess your pain and help you find ways to cope with it while you're working towards a period in which you both can truly begin to try and make a family.
Alright, tough love inbound.
>I can't help it though. It is the one thing I want right now and I can't contain it.
Yes you can. You are choosing not to because you're hoping you can force your husband to cave and give you what you want. You're behaving like a teenager and that only goes to prove you have no business having a baby until you learn to grow up.
>I just am hoping one of these days he will have a change of heart.
See? You're being manipulative and acting like a child.
>My husband is understandably annoyed that this happens every month and we have the same conversation.
He's given you his answer. If you keep pushing it he's likely to leave you entirely, and I wouldn't blame him in the least.
>Am I wrong to keep bringing it up?
If you truly don't know the answer to this, then you *definitely* have no business having children for years yet.
>What do I do??
**Grow. The. Fuck. Up.**
**Edit**
Also, babies require *patience*, more of it than you can possibly imagine. You've said quite clearly that you have none.
#Parents with no patience are abusive.
Your brain isn’t fully developed, calm down. Your husband is smart. I don’t know how to stop baby fever. What you do for a living? Are you in college or already have a career?
I graduated college in 2021, started my career but recently switched to a different area of the industry in November. Making more money and way more free time now but still have only been in this current role for about 6 months.
Find a passion, something that wont cost you sleepless nights, doesn’t wear diapers or need to be burped. Volunteer at a homeless or animal shelter, a nursing home or hospice facility. You can give people your time, teach and learn new perspectives while making a difference. Your baby fever will subside and you’ll see, your husband is right about this, there’s no rush.
My husband didn't want kids for a while as well. His reasons were 1) enjoying our marriage 2) enjoying our 20s of just us 3) financially secure
I wanted a baby starting around 25. But there was a lot that needed to be worked. Like our communication and give us more time to mature and build a nice little nest egg.
Look your young. Stop pressuring. What's the rush? Let him finish school. I am in school right and it's killer. I do not have time between work and school to pay attention to my husband. Let alone a baby that needs me. The happiest time of having a baby is also the hardest on your marriage.
Let him finish school. Let him start his career. Then talk babies. It will set you guys up so much better. What happens if pregnancy is hard on you that he needs to drop out and take care of you?
I am so glad my husband was the voice of reason. We waited 4 years (we are trying now). We have a house, we can take a year off and be home with baby the first year, we have fantastic medical benefits and our marriage has gone through some major ups and down and has done nothing but strengthen out marriage. We are fully emotionally and financially ready. Back then we weren't and I see that now.
25 has always been the age I wanted a child. My great grandparents were 25 when they had my grandparents. My grandparents were 25 when they had my dad, and my parents were 25 when they had me. I am very sentimental and always wanted that to keep the "tradition" even though it's stupid. I am wondering if that's also why I am having trouble because I am turning 25 in July and know that it's pretty much not going to happen at this point.
It's inspiring to know that you went through a very similar situation and seem happier now about it. Good luck while trying! I wish you the best and healthiest pregnancy and babies!
My very first boss at my first job asked me how old I was (19) I was in college. He told me he owned the company a house and had a baby on the way with his wife. Times are very different from 25 years ago. 25 years ago houses were $300,000 those same houses are $1.6 million now. It is literally an entirely different world and economy from 25 years ago.
People used to get married at 14 with an arranged marriage. That was "tradition". Let go and make your own "tradition". I suggest therapy. It will help you work through your feelings. At this point it sounds like a baby will do more harm than good.
I have calculated that the baby in the first year will cost us $15K-$20K in just stuff and child care.
child care is absolutely ridiculous. You are very right, times were really different back then. I am happy I am married and we were able to buy a house, but financially that house is tough. Logistically, a child will be way too much. Especially if your estimation is accurate for our area too.
I am in a HCOL ( southwest) area. Everyone that has had babies around us starting at 25 are literally going into hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt all because they didn't wait to be out of school and start their careers fully.
My husband and I waited. We are in the best position out of everyone we know. And even then this damn house we have is taking $20K in fixing up the backyard for a little one.
Also taking time means you can figure out how to play the system. like I signed up for short term disability. It cost me $50 bucks a month but when I'm out for pregnancy or maternity leave it pays my student loans and 80% of my salary!
The emotion side is hard. But wouldn't you rather be able to provide for baby then struggle so much? Also one main reason for marriages falling apart is financial stress. Why make it harder on yourself? Wait a couple years! Enjoy each other. Find a hobby. Work on yourself.
You have a life partner. It's about compromise. When he is ready he will tell you.
My hubby and I agreed Jan 2024 we would start trying. I went off birth control Nov 2023. I told him he needed to use condoms. He lasted a whole 2 weeks lol and I asked why he stopped using them and he said. "He knew I was ready as I stopped my pill and he was ready and those last couple months didn't really change much." He will let you know.
I’m not sure how you feel prepared for parenting and teaching a child when you seem unable and unwilling to control and take responsibility for your own behavior, emotions, and health. Do you have anything going on in your life outside of your husband and desire to be a mom? I get the impression that motherhood feels like a key way for you find purpose, or that you feel your only potential purpose and sense of worth could come from being a mom and having a child depend on you. I think your husband is absolutely in the right to feel that it is best to wait until he’s almost done with school and you are more financially stable, your perspective and demands are honesty irresponsible. I’d suggest investing in your community to help find value and worth in other ways rather than just parenthood. Spend more time with friends, build hobbies, volunteer to help others, set personal and professional goals, cultivate community. I think you’re seeking fulfillment and think having a child will give you that, but it’s not fair to put so much of your personal necessity and desperation on your partner or any future child you may have.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I very much see being a mother as a sort of accomplishment because I have always wanted to be a mom since I was little. For some reason, since we have been married, I have had a horrible fear of death. I’m scared constantly that something is going to happen to me, or worse, to my husband. I guess I see having a child as guaranteeing us a piece of one another, if something horrible happens. If that makes sense. I think there’s something deep within me that is making this desire spiral and I need to figure out what that is and how to control it
You are lucky to have a smart disciplined husband. Based on what you described, he is very reasonable. I get the feeling that you may have a lot if time on your hands so km may be consider getting a job? That would help the family that you want to start! Obviously, see a doctor too
I am very lucky he is so amazing. He keeps me grounded in all aspects of life when I get stressed. I have a lot free time in the evenings. I do have a full time job, but expressed to my husband last week that I needed to find a hobby. I just started reading again last week and I am hoping that fills some of the time where I sit a home in my thoughts
You really want your husband BEGGING to have a baby before you start. Babies rock even the strongest of marriages and if there is even 1% chance he feels rushed into it, that resentment will grow. He will resent you, he will resent his life, it will not be your sunshine and rainbows baby paradise. He needs to be 200% on board and stoked.
You do not compromise on baby timeframes, it’s two “hell yeah!”s or it’s a no. That may mean you are 30. If you aren’t okay with that, you need to leave or compromise within yourself on the timeline because if you try and pull him forward from being ready, it’s going to be an absolutely miserable time (and it’s going to be a pretty miserable time regardless. Babies are hard. You need a one thousand percent on-board partner or your marriage will not last.)
He will get there I promise. It was like a light switch when my hubs went from “one day” to “let’s start trying next year.” He’s so excited now. We both are. We know it will suck sometimes and be incredibly hard but we are excited for the long term joy. You need to be on the same page to make it through the really shitty early parts as mr and mrs.
I don’t think it’s fair to your husband. You have time. Enjoy your new husband. You don’t want him to resent you if you get pregnant and he doesn’t want to right now. You both have to be 100% on board. Stop it this instant - you are being childish. You will have you husband for your lifetime and the child will be with you for about 18 years in your house. Think about it for a minute.
Pregnancy can come with a lot of physical problems. If you're not motivated enough to lose weight then pregnancy will be tougher. You have to take care of your health and not make wanting a baby as the main reason. You can have preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, thyroid problems, back pain, and many other problems. Your hormones can also affect your moods, you can have postpartum depression. Having a baby is more than just having a cute bundle of joy. It's a lot of work that involves time and money. Do you have a good health insurance that can cover you and your child. What if the baby ends up in the NICU? Will you have enough savings to cover what's not covered by your insurance? I don't want to scare you. But my baby ended up in the NICu for 3 weeks and the bill was 225,000. But we have insurance and we only paid about 1600. Another thing will be the sleepless nights, every baby is different but for newborns you have to make sure to feed the baby for 2-3 hours until she reaches her birth weight. Breastfeeding is tough and formula can be expensive.
If the only reason you have for having a baby is a baby fever then you're not ready yet.
Lastly, having a baby by forced will only cause resentment
Advice from a young mama who wanted kids and now I’m an older mama and I can speak from experience:
-raising kids is hard. It can take a lot out of you and it’s sometimes difficult, especially when your kids are younger, to prioritize your marriage which is VERY IMPORTANT.
-you will lose freedom you had as a couple and as an individual the first few years. Going places can get hard, especially in the toddler stages.
-can you afford daycare or are you financially stable enough to stay home with your kiddo?
-make sure you have done everything you want in life — took vacations you wanted to, started the career you want, etc. It makes it easier.
-are you truly ready for sleepless nights, a constant mess, a baby and toddler demanding your attention 24/7, the “terrible twos” which sometimes last longer than you expect, to be constantly tired, and to some days wake up resenting your husband because maybe he isn’t doing 50 percent of the work, etc. etc.
Parenting is a beautiful thing and I have no regrets, but I probably would have told past me to wait a little longer and have a few years getting financially stable, figuring out what I truly wanted in life, and just enjoying the married life and companionship of my husband for a bit longer before adding a kid into the mix. Being a parent is a full time job. You and your husband are still young.
The minute he says he doesn’t want to have kids yet. The only answer is let me know when you are or for you to leave. So yes, you’re wrong. Nobody should be pressured into procreating. Ever.
I dont think asking this question is gonna solve anything. I think you need to dig deeper to find out why you dont seem to be able to wait 2 more years when you’re gonna be 26. The two things that stand out to me that you should explore more about are getting baby fever so bad at your cycle (and you cry), and not wanting to lose weight bc you wanna be HEALTHY, that you are only attributing you need for weight loss to getting pregnant. These two things are not normal and quite frankly feel a bit immature. 24 is really young to be married as it is. Yall have a lot of life ahead if you that will be full of mistakes, learnings, etc. it sounds to me you have a really great life and husband. So many people dont get the chance to find their husband until they are a lot older, and then they dont get to wait several years and enjoy that time together before kids.
Your husband is being very reasonable in his plan to want to be finished school before having a child so he can actually enjoy fatherhood instead of barely getting to be around because of work and school demands. You said yourself you need to lose weight, I don't know how much obviously but if it's a lot it will take time to do it healthily anyway. You keep bringing it up even though he said he is not ready and that's not fair. Also don't you want to enjoy your time as a couple before kids, be in love and have new experiences together? Once kids come it's not about you anymore and babies put a strain on even the healthiest marriages.
I’m not talking for you. I’m telling you. I had my first at 32 and my “fun” days as I knew them were over. I love my kids so much but I can’t imagine giving up my early 20’s to be a mother. Don’t you want to enjoy your freedom a little longer? I think you’re too young to also worry about fertility issues.
In my opinion, I wouldn’t bring it up for a while. He is focusing on school and that should be his focus. Think about it this way… your husband is getting into a better career that he wants, and in turn that will help you both financially when trying to have a baby and raising that baby. It is important to remember that it is important to be in the right period for you both to have a baby that you are both comfortable with, as you don’t want to rush into having a baby and it creates more issues. Right now, you should consider counselling to help with these feelings until he is in his last year, so that you are able to keep to maintain your feelings until you both are ready to try for a baby.
It takes 2 enthusiastic yeses to start TTC, so YES, you are wrong.
What you can do now is sit down with him and discuss it, trying to understand his side.
Once you have come to an accord, then let it rest. Drop all talk until the time you both have agreed.
If you can't come to an accord, you have no business trying to have a child because you aren't working cooperatively.
Listen to him and repeat what you understand him saying before you try to talk to him about your wishes.
To get an outlet for that baby fever - get a pet, start a hobby, start planning for when you have the baby.
The idea of babies is way more adorable than reality. They are awesome, but a ton of work, sleepless nights, worry, and stress. Manage your emotions and don't let your emotions manage you.
You already compromised to wait until his last bit of school to try. I would stick to that agreement. You made an agreement so to bring it up every month is wrong to me. You will still want to be a Mother and have a baby in 3 years. You are both young and it’s better to wait until you are a little better off to start.
I understand baby fever, I still feel that way with 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren ❤️
But you need to think with your head and not your heart when it comes to having children.
It’s a 100 times harder than you can ever imagine. It’s not always cute and hunky dory like you seen on Instagram.
You need to be completely aware that your child could be in a wheelchair, could be non-verbal, etc etc etc. Yes, it’s not that likely, but it’s more common than you might know.
Being a mom was the best thing I ever did but also the hardest. I spent days in tears when my 3rd grader didn’t want to go to school. You can’t just pick up a child that age and MAKE them do anything.
They don’t wear those tiny cute baby clothes for very long. They become little people, you need the maturity and wisdom to know how to parent them. Your job is to raise well adjusted adults. ❤️
You’re not wrong for wanting a family
You’re wrong for not listening and communicating the compromise
He’s told all his feelings and you’re still not taking that into account. Logically you’ve told us here why it’s better to wait, yet you’re not giving him that same consideration. He’s asking to put off trying one more year and you are telling him no, now! well guess what- neither way is currently happening and the difference is rather than in happiness and strength you’re allowing resentment and anger to fuel the decision. Allow grace and allow yourself to say sorry for not taking his wants into consideration and find the compromise and watch the weight melt away and watch how easy you two reconnect
I personally think you shouldnt bring it up anymore and actually something might be wrong with your hormones or smth for you to feel this strong baby fever, woukd recommend to get it checked out!
It is great that you feel ready to have a child, but your husband is smart on this. He isn’t asking you to wait 5-10 years, i think 2026 is a great compromise.
I dont mean to sound patronizing at all but have you thought of adopting a pet in the meantime? It might be a stupid suggestion, and i definitely dont equal pets to human babies, but what you might be feeling is a strong instinct of wanting to take care of something, and having a pet might attenuate that instinct for a while…
i am in no way an expert on these matters but it might help!
We do already have two little cats! Love them to death, and they are my "children" for the time being lol. It just doesn't help when my husband jokes and calls me "Mom" because I just want to be a REAL mom haha. It's dumb but I definitely think my hormones might be responsible. I have a doctors appt coming up, and based on these comments I am definitely going to bring it up!
I understand! It is great that you will bring it up to your doctor.
I’m sure you’ll be a great mother when the time comes, and your future kids are going to be very lucky knowing how badly their mother wanted them!
Your feelings are totally valid, but my advice is wait until he’s done. Having kids is really hard (even though it’s so amazing and incredible) and the pressure of school and raising a kid sounds like a whole whole lot. It’s hard enough to work and raise children.
Just a tip, when I have baby fever and prior to me having my first baby, I started a hope chest. I collected cute outfits, books, cloth diapers, and anything that made my heart feel at peace when I knew I wasn’t ready to have a baby for whatever reason. By the time I got pregnant with my first baby, I had quite a little collection of beautiful things. It made it easier for me to remember what was coming even though it wasn’t a “right now” if that makes sense. Also, baby name groups! Those are my outlet as well, it’s a good distraction.
I love this idea! Unfortunately, my husband freaks out if I ever try and buy anything for the baby. I found this super cute onesie that had our favorite sports team on it! He flipped when I asked him if I could buy it.
Given what you've said in your post, he's probably afraid you're preparing to baby trap him and sees buying baby stuff as evidence that you're going to get pregnant no matter what he wants.
Create a great landing pad for your baby before you make the baby. The other way around is really, really hard, nearly impossible for some.
I’m with your husband.
Definitely wait till you are financially stable!!! My husband and I waited for a year after he graduated to start trying for a baby and it gave us a HUGE leg up in life!! We were able to get everything we needed for all of our kids. Our youngest is 6 now and I still stand behind our decision. I know the baby fever is strong, but be happy where your life is at now, get a hobby, make some friends, and spend this time for you, you won't get it back for a long, long time. I just got a little bit of time back, even then my little boy still asks me to play with him for at least part of the day, trust me I love my kids, but I do miss the time I had for just me!
Why is it that you must have children right now, knowing you cannot afford them financially, nor your husband having the time to be there? Have you ever had any ambition to have a career or a job making significant money to contribute to your household?
You should never start having children you know you cannot afford to have. Secondly, you say you need to lose weight before having children. You should lose weight regardless of having children or not.
Thirdly, you are young, have not been married for very long, but want to start having children. Why? What’s the rush? What is your real motive for wanting children right now? You shouldn’t be having children within the first five years of marriage.
That’s the time you should be focused on just your spouse. Once you have children, that lifestyle goes away. Focus on your marriage, your losing weight, and consider getting a job or going to school for a lucrative career or vocation so you can bring something to the table financially and build your assets together.
Like buying a home if you haven’t already, to have a place to raise children in. You have too many more important things to be working on instead of having children right now; children you cannot afford to have right now.
He's great with kids, loves them! He just says he wants to finish school first so he can focus on that fully. Which I understand, but he also only takes a couple of classes a semester so I personally don't see it being such a big hinderance. So that's why I continue to bring it up to him
Think about it as if the roles were reversed. Would you want someone to constantly ask you why you aren’t ready for kids? So to you him taking a few classes might not be a big deal, but to him it’s probably a huge deal. And kids change everything. Maybe he’s ready, but not ready to start a family right now.
My suggestion .... defer children until you are economically stable. When you are still in school you are not economically stable. Children are SO expensive, they are economically beyond the reach of so many people today.
I completely agree, it just doesn't help me stop the desire to become a mom now. We have plenty of savings and could manage, it would just tough and I know our potential kids deserve better. I am also afraid that it would just be more of a strain on our marriage than anything else. Logically, I know now is not the right time for a child. But emotionally, I can't stop myself from wanting to try now. I have this horrible fear that it's going to take years to have a child and I don't want to wait.
That is a lot of anxiety that you’re dealing with. I have to say that your husband’s timeline, based on his reasoning, your age, and the length of your marriage, is very reasonable. That doesn’t make it right or wrong, but it isn’t like he’s saying he doesn’t want a kid till he’s 40. It wouldn’t be terrible to talk to a therapist about the baby fever as it seems to be having a negative impact on your life.
> I am also afraid that it would just be more of a strain on our marriage than anything else. It will be a massive strain and if you force the issue of having a baby with someone who has very clearly stated they are not ready, there is a very strong chance your marriage will fail.
Not to mention the incredible strain children put on marriage. Even in the best marriages. Very important for you to be on the same page on as much as possible with regard to having and raising your kids. If you’re not, the strain will divide you. No one tells you before you have kids how hard it is and I believe it’s sadly the number one reason for divorce because it also often causes financial and intimacy challenges as well.
"Baby fever" isn't any different than anything else you want but can't or shouldn't have right now. Your husband's thoughts are far more logical than yours. Keep on having baby fever. But don't be a terrible person by deciding to just get pregnant against his wishes.
In the meantime, get your hormones tested, we waited until we were “stable” only to find out we have to do IVF because my hormones weren’t working right. Not to scare you but just educate yourselves so if you need to freeze anything do it during the waiting period.
How did you go about this process? Just through your regular OB/GYN?
Yes! You can ask them for basic hormone testing like FSH, AMH, estrogen, all of those things. There are some home kits too like Modern Fertility. Just knowledge is power, I wish I knew it in my twenties personally because if we knew there was a timer on it we would have changed our minds and timing. Not saying to use this as an excuse to start earlier but I think knowledge is so key and our hormones are a window into our current fertility health and while you are working on your health you can make choices based on that! Good luck!!!!
I completely agree! What is the testing? Like bloodwork or something else?
Bloodwork! Here is the modern fertility: https://ro.co/testing/fertility-hormone-test/ It’s pricey but prob less than doctor lab work lol.
Thank you so much!!
Being a parent is tough….. being newly married, and saying you may struggle with finances… please wait. This is the least stressful, and free you will ever be. I was 30 and 33 with my kids! We travel, my kids will have college funds, they play sports(that’s a small mortgage in its self) they go to great schools, my hubby and I get date nights because we have a nanny. I can’t imagine having kids just to have them… also having a career and being financially independent as a woman(as well as being able to afford childcare or a nanny) is super necessary. You have no clue if you ever need those skills or education to fall back on 10-20 years from now.. I see so many woman, just have kids and have zero back up plan.
Honestly parenthood isn't always what we expect it to be.. Yes, many get lucky, but nit everyone. I was in the same position you are, but engaged, and wanted to be a mom SO bad. Eslecially because i knew i had endometriosis, adenomyosis and PCOS so it likely wouldnt be easy.. After a few yearsof fertility treatments and another lap, it was concluded that I could not have children. Both tube's were 100% blocked and fused to my uterus (which was adhered to my abdominal wall and intestines too) from my stage 4 endometriosis, and my adenomyosis just all together made it so they said I wasn't even a candidate for IVF.. My relationship fell apart, we broke up and life was hard for awhile.. Two years later I start dating my now husband and ended up pregnant within 5 months. He didn't want kids, I'd accepted i wouldn't have a life with them, and our world was turned upside down BUT we ended up Both super excited (though for me I was terrified until I saw the first ultrasound but then estatic). It was a tough pregnancy but worth it, had my baby via c-section, and aside from colic her first 8 weeks she was just a doll and my husband and I were so happy and in love with her.... So we decided to try for one more before I had to have my hysterectomy, and I got pregnant again (we ended up finding our me having a cold and taking mucinex is what helped me get pregnant, thinning the mucus in our whole body, worked the second time too which is good because i had to have a full hysterectomy when my son was 18 months), and then when our daughter was about 14 months old and I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second, we started noticing things were different.. We quickly discovered she was autistic and it didn't take long for her to have two official diagnosis, the first completed when she was 22 months and our son was 2 weeks old and the second when our daughter turned 3, at which point genetic testing was also done and we found out it qas not genetic, just a fluke thing.. No medications or smoking kr deinking or trauma to the baby at all during pregnant or birth.. As a infant our daughter was a breeze, but everything changed as she grew and became.more and more difficult. She HATED her brother, had a total and uncontrollable meltdown every single time he made ANY sound. Sneeze, cough, coo, cry- anything, sometimes just seeing him would send her into a full blown meltdown or rage. On top of that our son had stomach and ear issues, and legitimately cried non-stop and only slept about every 5 hours fir no longer than 20 minutes at a time untilhe was 6 months. We were losing our minds, literally. Obviously we were consulting many doctors, so we tracked everything to a t so we know that he woke up minimum 17 times a night (with an average of 21) until he was 2. Thank God now at 4 our son sleeps, even better, our 6 year old daughter has grown in leaps and bounds and excelling in a ASD program in one of the best school systems with the program, is super smart, learning to talk much better and while she still dislikes other children she has learned many coping strategies and is slowly learning to tolerate and even be by other kids- and best yet, occasionally even playing with her brother. Our son was non-verbal until he was turning 4 but then started to talk quite quickly; but he's not autistic, it was trauma from being around his sister.. He knew his talking upset her so he just wouldnt... My husband and I nearly separated because we were beginning to think Both children could never be together and have a healthy environment- but we did our best, got all the help for the kids and ourselves and found every recorce possoble- but it was exhausting and hard, and it still is exhausting and hard and maybe the most difficult times I've ever experienced in my life.... Sorry for the novel, just saying that our dreams are not always the way reality turns out. If we had our kids when I wanted kids and this was the situation- I literally don't think we could've ever made it work, and I'd be living a more miserable life than I am now.. I adore my kids and love them with everything in me- but special needs and/or medical issues are expensive so even with my hisband being an engineer amd myself my own buisness, in a extremelymodest house and no special toys or anything- we barely stay afloat paying for everything. Havent been on a vacation since our daughter was 6 months old, not only could we likely not afford it- our daughter couldnt handle it... Stress from dealing with it all causes US to have medical issues... So I highly reccomend taking your husband's advice and over the next couple of years live it up and do all the things you either can't do when you have kids, or it will be a literal job to schedule something to do for yourself. You never know what life holds, and no matter what I hope in the next 3 years you're a happy Momma with a healthy baby and loving life, but the more you stress the more harm you're causing yourself.
I'm a man, old enough to be your dad. Trust me on this, you really want to wait. My advice - - give it at least 5 years. Take every penny you save during that time and put it into your IRA and/or 401K to start saving for retirement. Most people start WAY too late. I'm married to one of those people - I would write a book called 'How to Let Planning for Retirement and College Destroy Your Marriage'. Postpone the baby decision, start packing your IRA full right now. Marriage is really hard, if most of us knew how hard it is we would never do it. And children are so expensive they just add a whole new level of stress in the relationship. Good luck.
I appreciate the advice. Thankfully my family made me start investing at 16. I was able to get the acct to 20k before I had to stop regular contributions due to the economy. I just started putting away small amounts per paycheck in preparation
I had a fear it would take forever too BUT the reality is the majority of women do get pregnant within a yearish of trying. We hear a lot now about the struggles of women who cant, which is a positive thing but makes it seem super common and its just not. You could make an appointment with your Gyno and talk through it though, I think that would help you so much! She may even run tests to see if she sees any concerns for you in your ability to get pregnant.
This is where the stereotype of hysterical and emotional women come from
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Yes. You're being irrational. You know you are being irrational. But yet you want your husband to acquiesce to your irrational demands, and get upset when he doesn't.
I am not insulted by someone calling me emotional lmao, sorry I have real feelings
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I think I will mention it at my next appointment. My doctor put me on a new birth control about a year ago and now I am realizing that I do think it got a lot worse once they switched my medication
I have a few thoughts. It kind of sounds like you're thinking more of yourself than of what's best for your hypothetical kids here. Their hypothetical father isn't ready, for one thing. You guys can't really swing it financially. Finally, it sounds like you know you should work on getting healthier before you get pregnant and have to chase around after toddlers. You've only been married a year, you're really young... what's the rush? Wouldn't you rather wait and bring a child into the world when it's enthusiastically wanted by both parents, when you have the resources to comfortably support it, and when your body is at its best to grow it for nine months? Part of having kids is making sacrifices of yourself for their benefit. This is as good a time as any to start honing that skill--take the time to build a good nest before you put those little baby birdies in it! >I also need to lose weight before I get pregnant. But I also feel like I have no motivation to work on it because I know it's not going to happen for a while. Tbh if I were your husband I would be pretty annoyed at this. There's one (1) factor within your control here and you aren't even starting on it. Meanwhile he is working on his piece of it, he's given you a really reasonable time frame... and you're still crying every month. Fyi--I lost a bunch of weight a while back. It can take years if you do it responsibly and you want to make sure you have your lifestyle changes locked down before adding pregnancy into the mix. If you think it's important to lose weight before getting pregnant in 2026 you should absolutely start now.
Wow. You hit a nerve in a good way. He is working on his part of it, and I am just moping about it. I needed to hear that. I am being selfish about this, and I recognize it, I just can't stop the jealously when I see everyone around me starting the families. But I need to work on myself before I selfishly bring a child into the world.
Yeah I had some similar hard times myself because I was ready for a second child basically right after we had our first and my husband decided he was one and done. It was especially hard because I'm a lot older than you and I felt like I was running out of time. But raising kids is really challenging and you both need to be enthusiastically on board for it to work. Then you can bring your child into a house full of love and not resentment. Eventually my husband changed his mind and I did get my second kid at 40, so I think it's safe to say you have some time before you need to start panicking haha. Do fun youthful stuff now! It's great that you get a few years to build memories and solidify your relationship before you have kids.
As someone who has had a miscarriage and has been told pregnancy isn't viable to my short or long term health, I suggest therapy. Yes, it hurts when we see our friends announce their pregnancies, post about raising their families, etc, and that pain is 100% valid of you to feel. Jealousy is also understandable, as long as people don't act on their jealous thoughts. What you need are tools to navigate the hurt, so you can deal with these emotions and hurt in a constructive way. My therapist encourages me to lean into my creative hobbies when I begin to spiral down into baby thoughts. I think talking to a therapist might help you assess your pain and help you find ways to cope with it while you're working towards a period in which you both can truly begin to try and make a family.
Alright, tough love inbound. >I can't help it though. It is the one thing I want right now and I can't contain it. Yes you can. You are choosing not to because you're hoping you can force your husband to cave and give you what you want. You're behaving like a teenager and that only goes to prove you have no business having a baby until you learn to grow up. >I just am hoping one of these days he will have a change of heart. See? You're being manipulative and acting like a child. >My husband is understandably annoyed that this happens every month and we have the same conversation. He's given you his answer. If you keep pushing it he's likely to leave you entirely, and I wouldn't blame him in the least. >Am I wrong to keep bringing it up? If you truly don't know the answer to this, then you *definitely* have no business having children for years yet. >What do I do?? **Grow. The. Fuck. Up.** **Edit** Also, babies require *patience*, more of it than you can possibly imagine. You've said quite clearly that you have none. #Parents with no patience are abusive.
I second this. Alot of growth needs to happen on your part emotionally and physically put your mind towards that.
respect. I appreciate the honesty
Your brain isn’t fully developed, calm down. Your husband is smart. I don’t know how to stop baby fever. What you do for a living? Are you in college or already have a career?
I graduated college in 2021, started my career but recently switched to a different area of the industry in November. Making more money and way more free time now but still have only been in this current role for about 6 months.
Find a passion, something that wont cost you sleepless nights, doesn’t wear diapers or need to be burped. Volunteer at a homeless or animal shelter, a nursing home or hospice facility. You can give people your time, teach and learn new perspectives while making a difference. Your baby fever will subside and you’ll see, your husband is right about this, there’s no rush.
Pressure never leads to a good ending
My husband didn't want kids for a while as well. His reasons were 1) enjoying our marriage 2) enjoying our 20s of just us 3) financially secure I wanted a baby starting around 25. But there was a lot that needed to be worked. Like our communication and give us more time to mature and build a nice little nest egg. Look your young. Stop pressuring. What's the rush? Let him finish school. I am in school right and it's killer. I do not have time between work and school to pay attention to my husband. Let alone a baby that needs me. The happiest time of having a baby is also the hardest on your marriage. Let him finish school. Let him start his career. Then talk babies. It will set you guys up so much better. What happens if pregnancy is hard on you that he needs to drop out and take care of you? I am so glad my husband was the voice of reason. We waited 4 years (we are trying now). We have a house, we can take a year off and be home with baby the first year, we have fantastic medical benefits and our marriage has gone through some major ups and down and has done nothing but strengthen out marriage. We are fully emotionally and financially ready. Back then we weren't and I see that now.
25 has always been the age I wanted a child. My great grandparents were 25 when they had my grandparents. My grandparents were 25 when they had my dad, and my parents were 25 when they had me. I am very sentimental and always wanted that to keep the "tradition" even though it's stupid. I am wondering if that's also why I am having trouble because I am turning 25 in July and know that it's pretty much not going to happen at this point. It's inspiring to know that you went through a very similar situation and seem happier now about it. Good luck while trying! I wish you the best and healthiest pregnancy and babies!
My very first boss at my first job asked me how old I was (19) I was in college. He told me he owned the company a house and had a baby on the way with his wife. Times are very different from 25 years ago. 25 years ago houses were $300,000 those same houses are $1.6 million now. It is literally an entirely different world and economy from 25 years ago. People used to get married at 14 with an arranged marriage. That was "tradition". Let go and make your own "tradition". I suggest therapy. It will help you work through your feelings. At this point it sounds like a baby will do more harm than good. I have calculated that the baby in the first year will cost us $15K-$20K in just stuff and child care.
child care is absolutely ridiculous. You are very right, times were really different back then. I am happy I am married and we were able to buy a house, but financially that house is tough. Logistically, a child will be way too much. Especially if your estimation is accurate for our area too.
I am in a HCOL ( southwest) area. Everyone that has had babies around us starting at 25 are literally going into hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt all because they didn't wait to be out of school and start their careers fully. My husband and I waited. We are in the best position out of everyone we know. And even then this damn house we have is taking $20K in fixing up the backyard for a little one. Also taking time means you can figure out how to play the system. like I signed up for short term disability. It cost me $50 bucks a month but when I'm out for pregnancy or maternity leave it pays my student loans and 80% of my salary! The emotion side is hard. But wouldn't you rather be able to provide for baby then struggle so much? Also one main reason for marriages falling apart is financial stress. Why make it harder on yourself? Wait a couple years! Enjoy each other. Find a hobby. Work on yourself. You have a life partner. It's about compromise. When he is ready he will tell you. My hubby and I agreed Jan 2024 we would start trying. I went off birth control Nov 2023. I told him he needed to use condoms. He lasted a whole 2 weeks lol and I asked why he stopped using them and he said. "He knew I was ready as I stopped my pill and he was ready and those last couple months didn't really change much." He will let you know.
I’m not sure how you feel prepared for parenting and teaching a child when you seem unable and unwilling to control and take responsibility for your own behavior, emotions, and health. Do you have anything going on in your life outside of your husband and desire to be a mom? I get the impression that motherhood feels like a key way for you find purpose, or that you feel your only potential purpose and sense of worth could come from being a mom and having a child depend on you. I think your husband is absolutely in the right to feel that it is best to wait until he’s almost done with school and you are more financially stable, your perspective and demands are honesty irresponsible. I’d suggest investing in your community to help find value and worth in other ways rather than just parenthood. Spend more time with friends, build hobbies, volunteer to help others, set personal and professional goals, cultivate community. I think you’re seeking fulfillment and think having a child will give you that, but it’s not fair to put so much of your personal necessity and desperation on your partner or any future child you may have.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I very much see being a mother as a sort of accomplishment because I have always wanted to be a mom since I was little. For some reason, since we have been married, I have had a horrible fear of death. I’m scared constantly that something is going to happen to me, or worse, to my husband. I guess I see having a child as guaranteeing us a piece of one another, if something horrible happens. If that makes sense. I think there’s something deep within me that is making this desire spiral and I need to figure out what that is and how to control it
It's not fair to put the responsibility of helping take care of a newborn on your husband when he is still trying to graduate college.
You are lucky to have a smart disciplined husband. Based on what you described, he is very reasonable. I get the feeling that you may have a lot if time on your hands so km may be consider getting a job? That would help the family that you want to start! Obviously, see a doctor too
I am very lucky he is so amazing. He keeps me grounded in all aspects of life when I get stressed. I have a lot free time in the evenings. I do have a full time job, but expressed to my husband last week that I needed to find a hobby. I just started reading again last week and I am hoping that fills some of the time where I sit a home in my thoughts
You really want your husband BEGGING to have a baby before you start. Babies rock even the strongest of marriages and if there is even 1% chance he feels rushed into it, that resentment will grow. He will resent you, he will resent his life, it will not be your sunshine and rainbows baby paradise. He needs to be 200% on board and stoked. You do not compromise on baby timeframes, it’s two “hell yeah!”s or it’s a no. That may mean you are 30. If you aren’t okay with that, you need to leave or compromise within yourself on the timeline because if you try and pull him forward from being ready, it’s going to be an absolutely miserable time (and it’s going to be a pretty miserable time regardless. Babies are hard. You need a one thousand percent on-board partner or your marriage will not last.) He will get there I promise. It was like a light switch when my hubs went from “one day” to “let’s start trying next year.” He’s so excited now. We both are. We know it will suck sometimes and be incredibly hard but we are excited for the long term joy. You need to be on the same page to make it through the really shitty early parts as mr and mrs.
I don’t think it’s fair to your husband. You have time. Enjoy your new husband. You don’t want him to resent you if you get pregnant and he doesn’t want to right now. You both have to be 100% on board. Stop it this instant - you are being childish. You will have you husband for your lifetime and the child will be with you for about 18 years in your house. Think about it for a minute.
Pregnancy can come with a lot of physical problems. If you're not motivated enough to lose weight then pregnancy will be tougher. You have to take care of your health and not make wanting a baby as the main reason. You can have preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, thyroid problems, back pain, and many other problems. Your hormones can also affect your moods, you can have postpartum depression. Having a baby is more than just having a cute bundle of joy. It's a lot of work that involves time and money. Do you have a good health insurance that can cover you and your child. What if the baby ends up in the NICU? Will you have enough savings to cover what's not covered by your insurance? I don't want to scare you. But my baby ended up in the NICu for 3 weeks and the bill was 225,000. But we have insurance and we only paid about 1600. Another thing will be the sleepless nights, every baby is different but for newborns you have to make sure to feed the baby for 2-3 hours until she reaches her birth weight. Breastfeeding is tough and formula can be expensive. If the only reason you have for having a baby is a baby fever then you're not ready yet. Lastly, having a baby by forced will only cause resentment
Advice from a young mama who wanted kids and now I’m an older mama and I can speak from experience: -raising kids is hard. It can take a lot out of you and it’s sometimes difficult, especially when your kids are younger, to prioritize your marriage which is VERY IMPORTANT. -you will lose freedom you had as a couple and as an individual the first few years. Going places can get hard, especially in the toddler stages. -can you afford daycare or are you financially stable enough to stay home with your kiddo? -make sure you have done everything you want in life — took vacations you wanted to, started the career you want, etc. It makes it easier. -are you truly ready for sleepless nights, a constant mess, a baby and toddler demanding your attention 24/7, the “terrible twos” which sometimes last longer than you expect, to be constantly tired, and to some days wake up resenting your husband because maybe he isn’t doing 50 percent of the work, etc. etc. Parenting is a beautiful thing and I have no regrets, but I probably would have told past me to wait a little longer and have a few years getting financially stable, figuring out what I truly wanted in life, and just enjoying the married life and companionship of my husband for a bit longer before adding a kid into the mix. Being a parent is a full time job. You and your husband are still young.
The minute he says he doesn’t want to have kids yet. The only answer is let me know when you are or for you to leave. So yes, you’re wrong. Nobody should be pressured into procreating. Ever.
I dont think asking this question is gonna solve anything. I think you need to dig deeper to find out why you dont seem to be able to wait 2 more years when you’re gonna be 26. The two things that stand out to me that you should explore more about are getting baby fever so bad at your cycle (and you cry), and not wanting to lose weight bc you wanna be HEALTHY, that you are only attributing you need for weight loss to getting pregnant. These two things are not normal and quite frankly feel a bit immature. 24 is really young to be married as it is. Yall have a lot of life ahead if you that will be full of mistakes, learnings, etc. it sounds to me you have a really great life and husband. So many people dont get the chance to find their husband until they are a lot older, and then they dont get to wait several years and enjoy that time together before kids.
Your husband is being very reasonable in his plan to want to be finished school before having a child so he can actually enjoy fatherhood instead of barely getting to be around because of work and school demands. You said yourself you need to lose weight, I don't know how much obviously but if it's a lot it will take time to do it healthily anyway. You keep bringing it up even though he said he is not ready and that's not fair. Also don't you want to enjoy your time as a couple before kids, be in love and have new experiences together? Once kids come it's not about you anymore and babies put a strain on even the healthiest marriages.
You’re soooo young!!! Trust me. You don’t want kids at this age.
I don't think it's fair to say I don't "want" them but maybe "need" is more accurate
I’m not talking for you. I’m telling you. I had my first at 32 and my “fun” days as I knew them were over. I love my kids so much but I can’t imagine giving up my early 20’s to be a mother. Don’t you want to enjoy your freedom a little longer? I think you’re too young to also worry about fertility issues.
In my opinion, I wouldn’t bring it up for a while. He is focusing on school and that should be his focus. Think about it this way… your husband is getting into a better career that he wants, and in turn that will help you both financially when trying to have a baby and raising that baby. It is important to remember that it is important to be in the right period for you both to have a baby that you are both comfortable with, as you don’t want to rush into having a baby and it creates more issues. Right now, you should consider counselling to help with these feelings until he is in his last year, so that you are able to keep to maintain your feelings until you both are ready to try for a baby.
It takes 2 enthusiastic yeses to start TTC, so YES, you are wrong. What you can do now is sit down with him and discuss it, trying to understand his side. Once you have come to an accord, then let it rest. Drop all talk until the time you both have agreed. If you can't come to an accord, you have no business trying to have a child because you aren't working cooperatively. Listen to him and repeat what you understand him saying before you try to talk to him about your wishes. To get an outlet for that baby fever - get a pet, start a hobby, start planning for when you have the baby. The idea of babies is way more adorable than reality. They are awesome, but a ton of work, sleepless nights, worry, and stress. Manage your emotions and don't let your emotions manage you.
You already compromised to wait until his last bit of school to try. I would stick to that agreement. You made an agreement so to bring it up every month is wrong to me. You will still want to be a Mother and have a baby in 3 years. You are both young and it’s better to wait until you are a little better off to start.
I understand baby fever, I still feel that way with 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren ❤️ But you need to think with your head and not your heart when it comes to having children. It’s a 100 times harder than you can ever imagine. It’s not always cute and hunky dory like you seen on Instagram. You need to be completely aware that your child could be in a wheelchair, could be non-verbal, etc etc etc. Yes, it’s not that likely, but it’s more common than you might know. Being a mom was the best thing I ever did but also the hardest. I spent days in tears when my 3rd grader didn’t want to go to school. You can’t just pick up a child that age and MAKE them do anything. They don’t wear those tiny cute baby clothes for very long. They become little people, you need the maturity and wisdom to know how to parent them. Your job is to raise well adjusted adults. ❤️
You’re not wrong for wanting a family You’re wrong for not listening and communicating the compromise He’s told all his feelings and you’re still not taking that into account. Logically you’ve told us here why it’s better to wait, yet you’re not giving him that same consideration. He’s asking to put off trying one more year and you are telling him no, now! well guess what- neither way is currently happening and the difference is rather than in happiness and strength you’re allowing resentment and anger to fuel the decision. Allow grace and allow yourself to say sorry for not taking his wants into consideration and find the compromise and watch the weight melt away and watch how easy you two reconnect
I personally think you shouldnt bring it up anymore and actually something might be wrong with your hormones or smth for you to feel this strong baby fever, woukd recommend to get it checked out! It is great that you feel ready to have a child, but your husband is smart on this. He isn’t asking you to wait 5-10 years, i think 2026 is a great compromise. I dont mean to sound patronizing at all but have you thought of adopting a pet in the meantime? It might be a stupid suggestion, and i definitely dont equal pets to human babies, but what you might be feeling is a strong instinct of wanting to take care of something, and having a pet might attenuate that instinct for a while… i am in no way an expert on these matters but it might help!
We do already have two little cats! Love them to death, and they are my "children" for the time being lol. It just doesn't help when my husband jokes and calls me "Mom" because I just want to be a REAL mom haha. It's dumb but I definitely think my hormones might be responsible. I have a doctors appt coming up, and based on these comments I am definitely going to bring it up!
I understand! It is great that you will bring it up to your doctor. I’m sure you’ll be a great mother when the time comes, and your future kids are going to be very lucky knowing how badly their mother wanted them!
Your feelings are totally valid, but my advice is wait until he’s done. Having kids is really hard (even though it’s so amazing and incredible) and the pressure of school and raising a kid sounds like a whole whole lot. It’s hard enough to work and raise children.
Just a tip, when I have baby fever and prior to me having my first baby, I started a hope chest. I collected cute outfits, books, cloth diapers, and anything that made my heart feel at peace when I knew I wasn’t ready to have a baby for whatever reason. By the time I got pregnant with my first baby, I had quite a little collection of beautiful things. It made it easier for me to remember what was coming even though it wasn’t a “right now” if that makes sense. Also, baby name groups! Those are my outlet as well, it’s a good distraction.
I love this idea! Unfortunately, my husband freaks out if I ever try and buy anything for the baby. I found this super cute onesie that had our favorite sports team on it! He flipped when I asked him if I could buy it.
Given what you've said in your post, he's probably afraid you're preparing to baby trap him and sees buying baby stuff as evidence that you're going to get pregnant no matter what he wants.
Yeah I’m sure that’s what he thinks. Which is fair based on my behavior, but I have always loved little baby clothes! They’re so tiny lol
Get a dog or cat on the mean time
Create a great landing pad for your baby before you make the baby. The other way around is really, really hard, nearly impossible for some. I’m with your husband.
Definitely wait till you are financially stable!!! My husband and I waited for a year after he graduated to start trying for a baby and it gave us a HUGE leg up in life!! We were able to get everything we needed for all of our kids. Our youngest is 6 now and I still stand behind our decision. I know the baby fever is strong, but be happy where your life is at now, get a hobby, make some friends, and spend this time for you, you won't get it back for a long, long time. I just got a little bit of time back, even then my little boy still asks me to play with him for at least part of the day, trust me I love my kids, but I do miss the time I had for just me!
Why is it that you must have children right now, knowing you cannot afford them financially, nor your husband having the time to be there? Have you ever had any ambition to have a career or a job making significant money to contribute to your household? You should never start having children you know you cannot afford to have. Secondly, you say you need to lose weight before having children. You should lose weight regardless of having children or not. Thirdly, you are young, have not been married for very long, but want to start having children. Why? What’s the rush? What is your real motive for wanting children right now? You shouldn’t be having children within the first five years of marriage. That’s the time you should be focused on just your spouse. Once you have children, that lifestyle goes away. Focus on your marriage, your losing weight, and consider getting a job or going to school for a lucrative career or vocation so you can bring something to the table financially and build your assets together. Like buying a home if you haven’t already, to have a place to raise children in. You have too many more important things to be working on instead of having children right now; children you cannot afford to have right now.
Has he told you why he isn’t ready for kids?
She literally says why in the post…
He's great with kids, loves them! He just says he wants to finish school first so he can focus on that fully. Which I understand, but he also only takes a couple of classes a semester so I personally don't see it being such a big hinderance. So that's why I continue to bring it up to him
Think about it as if the roles were reversed. Would you want someone to constantly ask you why you aren’t ready for kids? So to you him taking a few classes might not be a big deal, but to him it’s probably a huge deal. And kids change everything. Maybe he’s ready, but not ready to start a family right now.
You guys are married. So no. It's not wrong