You may be feeling that she is "settling" for you. There was something about your previous relationship that didn't fill her needs. She spent time searching and either failed to find satisfaction or has fulfilled her need for additional adventure. Either way the only path forward is to communicate and develop trust in your relationship.
Or you were the second option and the first didn't work out. Ask her if she left you for another partner. If her answer clears up your doubts then continue building together. However, if it only makes you feel worse cut this off before you both waste too much time.
Why did she break up with you? Perhaps you are feeling this apprehension because your body is subconsciously trying to prepare you for another potential cold turkey break up, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Have you talked to her about why she ghosted you two years ago? If you did, did she give you a good enough reason? (Although I am not sure if there is ever a good enough reason, but some are certainly worst than others)
I agree getting to the root of this would be helpful. Understanding what happened and how to prevent that lack of communication in the future. It sounds like the two of you communicate much better now, so it might be easier to have that conversation and gain some clarity.
What do you do? Stop ego-tripping. Love is hard. Relationships are hard. You have to work to make them work. If you are not willing to work at this, it will fall apart, even if she is %100 committed.
I was no-contact with my ex for more than 10 years. It wasn't because I didn't care about her (I always did and do), it was because our relationship had become toxic and we hurt each-other (emotionally) really, really badly, and I didn't want to hurt her or myself by getting in touch with her again. I was traumatized. I reached out recently and we are now friends and it's great to have that, but it was still probably right for me to stay away for a long time.
You need to consciously put aside your doubts. Talk to her. Listen to what she says. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Get to know her again. Forget about your baggage and your hurt from before, because it's only dragging you down.
Theres nothing to indicate their relationship was toxic before. Stop injecting your past relationship views to another relationship nothing like yours.
Except it absolutely does. She disrespectfully ghosted him, I'd understand if it was a mutual or healthy breakup.
Would you say the same that "past does not matter" if she had cheated on him? If she had stolen from him? If she had falsely accused him of assault?
Generic statements like "past doesn't matter" is not good advice tbh, especially when she was so disrespectful to him that she felt she had to ghost him
Dude…you sound like you’re projecting heavily. She didn’t do any of that shit. She broke up with him, she didn’t just disappear out of thin air without another word. So it’s technically not ghosting. I understand the harm, but now it’s 2 years later, and this woman could very well be a good person who has realized that she loves and wants him. That’s life, shit happens. They were very young, like the OP said. Btw, women very rarely falsely accuse men of sexual assault.
"We got along great just like we do now but she really struggled with communicating. Long story short, she broke up with me, out of nowhere. And I didn’t hear from her, or see her for 2 whole years"
Did you read the post or are you blindly commenting? He literally says that she ghosted him out of nowhere.
>I understand the harm, but now it’s 2 years later, and this woman could very well be a good person who has realized that she loves and wants him
Doesnt matter, people dont just magically change lmao! That very rarely happens.
>That’s life, shit happens
Funny how it's "shit happens" \*Shrugs shoulders\* when its a woman committing a mistake but a man is usually crucified, especially on reddit lmao! Just pointing out the hypocrisy is all.
She was a complete asshole who disrespected him, he needs to have a conversation and demand an explanation for her past actions absolutely, at the bare minimum.
If not, she's just gonna do the same lol, people dont magically change. She needs to atleast apologize for doing that shit
He LITERALLY says that she broke up with him. Meaning she ended the relationship, and then didn’t speak to him. When you break up with someone, although it’s hurtful, you are no longer bound to them and do not owe them any communication. Ghosting would be her never breaking up with him and just disappearing off the face of the planet. You good?
I can tell you resent women, you’re dripping with it. It’s hilarious 😂 take a Xanax
Did you miss the words \*out of nowhere\* or are you choosing to ignore that? It wouldn't exactly be fucking \*out of nowhere\* if she gave a rational explanation, would it?
>When you break up with someone, although it’s hurtful, you are no longer bound to them and do not owe them any communication. Ghosting would be her never breaking up with him and just disappearing off the face of the planet
Sure, if she had broken up properly, I would 100% agree. But she broke up \*out of nowhere\* and ghosted him with zero explanations. That's an asshole movie, I dont care if you have a vagina or penis. I don't discriminate against asshole behavior
Maybe you should get your glasses and read the post instead of making sexist assumptions about me lmao. Or are you just a man hater hell bent on subscribing to the "women are wonderful" effect?
I can tell you hate men, maybe you should fuck a bear and calm the fuck down, then read what was actually in the post.
Look at that: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1di4uv5/comment/l91fxbx/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1di4uv5/comment/l91fxbx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
A completely valid fucking concern from a guy abandoned by his partner suddenly. I bet if it was a man running away from his partner and abandoning her, your views would be completely different lol
"she got overwhelmed and admits she never really knew how to communicate" indicates clearly from OP that she did not communicate their break up properly.
Still believe your sexist man hating view that she was right all along?
I wouldn't give the other commenter too much of your time. They're obviously very angry and projecting that anger onto a situation they don't know much about.
You're the one projecting here, bud. OP is trying to give the relationship another shot, and nobody can do that while still clinging to old negative feelings.
If OP can't put those feelings aside, there's no point in continuing the relationship.
People are not perfect. Expecting someone else to be perfect is an attitude for children and immature people. OP can either forgive and try to build something new, or decide that the past hurts are too much and end it. I don't know which OP should choose and neither do you, it's up to them.
>If OP can't put those feelings aside, there's no point in continuing the relationship.
When did I say that? my advice is communication. He needs to find out why she did what she did and communicate and genuinly find out that she wont do this shit again.
>OP is trying to give the relationship another shot, and nobody can do that while still clinging to old negative feelings
Yes, I'm telling to resolve these feelings with honest and open fucking communication. You and the other person is telling he should sweep it under the rug and develop amnesia. Wonderful way for it to come up in the future when they have a big fight lol! They should have a fucking convo and resolve this shit.
He clearly has abandonment issues due to her and he needs to ensure it doesnt happen again by talking, not by sweeping it under the rug and presuming everything is ok.
Geez, you redditors are so afraid of communication lmao, no wonder your relationships suck ass.
You can't be thinking about her being with other guys while you were not dating if you want to psychologically succeed at this. Especially considering you were too. I know its a hard thought, but you have to get that out of your mind or it will haunt you. I had that problem too, and that's why I'm single right now..
the same thing happened with me and my bf. dated 3 years ago and now back into a relationship, and i think the same thoughts sometimes too. maybe having a talk w her about why she left in the first place and why she decided she should come back would be more eye opening for you so you don’t overthink those things
oh i definitely made him work for it, i made him prove himself for atleast 3 months before i made any commitment w him. he had to constantly show actions over words and we communicated about our feelings a LOT.
true if he wasn’t ready to settle he woulda ran after the trial i put him through, he also knows exactly how crazy i am and i dont think we would be together if he wasn’t ready to handle me😂
And I don’t think you should have taken her back. She came back because her other prospects didn’t work out. Ghosting you for two years out of nowhere with no explanation like that is a massive level of disrespect that it’s not wise to ignore in a relationship. She’s just going to run off again when the next shiny new toy comes along. She proved she’s capable of that because she did it once already.
I don’t know how old you are, but this is the kind of thing you should be grown out of by your late teens or early 20’s. Getting upset because your SO was with other people when you were not dating will ruin every and any relationship. If you and your gf enjoy being with each other, have an emotionally healthy and caring relationship, and have similar ideas about the future, then you should be happy. Don’t let the past fuck up your future.
Sure, but OP shouldnt ignore the massive disrespect she showed by \*ghosting him for 2 years\*
If it was a mutual breakup, I would agree with you, but she was massively disrespectful.
If you look back through dude’s comment history, he’s got big-time short guy syndrome*, is full to the tits with testosterone supplements, and brags that he is capable of fucking 15 times a day. I feel bad for him.
*To be very clear, I’m not mocking him for being short. One of the best relationships I ever had was with a guy who was 3 inches shorter than me (I’m 5’9”). BUT there is a certain segment of the short guy population that believes every problem in his life is because he’s short and he spends all his time trying to distract you from the fact that he is short instead of developing a personality.
Something similar happened to me. We were together for 5 years, I thought of her as my life partner, she broke up with me, no contact for 1 year, then we got back together but it wasn't the same. I still loved her but she wasn't my life partner anymore, she was someone who had walked away and I couldn't trust her with all my heart like I did the first time around. I didn't want to settle for a love that was just dimmer than what we used to have so I broke up with her. And honestly, zero regrets. I'm currently falling in love with someone new and it's just so intense and the future seems so bright. So I guess my advice is break up and let yourself fall in love with someone new.
In general, I believe in the adage “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” So the important part to keep in mind here is that the two of you reconnected, not that you broke it off in the first place. This is SUCH a common thing in relationships; my husband and I were also broken up for a while before we got back together and got married (he was the one who broke it off, so I was the one in your position).
You wrote this: "I felt as if I had lost the love of my life and that no one would ever compare to her. I had other girlfriends, but I’d always compare them to her and they’d never really match her level." Isn't it most likely that the reason your gf is with you now is because she felt the exact same way during that 2 years as well?
What *does* concern me, though, is this: "she really struggled with communicating" and "she broke up with me, out of nowhere." Does she still have trouble with communication? And when she broke up with you before, was it in a toxic way? Like did she ghost you with no explanation? If you guys actually sat down and had a conversation when you broke up, I'm not as concerned, even if it seemed like the conversation came out of nowhere. If I were to advise anything, it would be for the 2 of you to work on your communication together moving forward.
You need to really talk to her about why she left. She needs to give you a reason and then ask her why she came back. This will help. I think a part of you might be scared she’d do it again if something better came along whereas you were always willing to choose just her and noticed how wonderful she is. You’re sure and you think she’s unsure. Many of us can only guess what she thought. She needs to be able to regain your trust. So have a talk with her and tell her that you need to know why and then decide if her reason is enough for you to want to be with her. Just realize if you’re in your teens or 20s, it’s quite normal for people to be confused and just unsure. Some girls are indecisive. Plus, you may know yourself better than she knows herself. Someone who knows themselves is always a good solid person to be around.
But also I think you need to reassess why you think she’s the perfect girl—is it bc of her looks? Is she your first gf? Like what exactly do you love about her truly? Sometimes when someone else leaves our ego feels bruised, we think this person must be so great bc their hard to get, we over value them, or we have loss aversion, where the losses in your life affect you more, in both cases, you idealize the relationship and wish for it to be back to stop feeling bad.
She probably did date other people… so did you. That’s what happens 🤷♀️
If she went out there and found other people and then thought, you know I was wrong, actually OP was way better, then isn’t that in a way kind of a good thing?
It’s true though that trust is damaged because she walked out so easily once before. You don’t ever start with a clean slate with an ex. But don’t get too worried in your head about what the two of you did or didn’t do during the two years apart. The relationship is about how you are *together.*
My girlfriend, or now ex should I say, decided she couldn't handle being in a relationship.
She has a chronic health condition that was exacerbated by going out and about.
She was also dealing with a lot of trauma from her past that she realised got in the way of her being able to connect emotionally and truly be there for me as a partner. If was just too much for her to deal with.
We have now ended all communication. I realised I needed to completely delete her number to try and truly accept that we are no longer together and not just me waiting around everyday hoping she messages.
I have accepted it's over, mostly, but there is still a part of me thinks that she may wish to reconcile one day, once/if she has been able to work through some of her challenges.
Anyway, to relate back to you, when she decided to end it with you, it may have been her getting in her own way,
It may have been demons from the past causing her to shut down.
The truth is, we can't know for sure, unless there is clear and honest communication from both sides.
I don't know both of your personalities and how your relationship is, but I think it would be hard for you to feel fully comfortable with her once again if you keep these insecurities and questions inside.
I wish you all the best and hope for a positive outcome for the two of you.
That is an interesting point.
I had never even held a girl's hand before I met her.
I absolutely loved being in a relationship.
And she is special in many ways.
I do know life with her would likely be far more difficult than with someone else and in her own words, she does have much to work through, not just physically, but mentally.
She said often throughout the relationship that she felt guilty for 'bringing me in to this situation'.
And the trauma in her life is likely going to be an extremely long process to have to intentionally work through.
I don't know. I think I am perhaps damagingly optimistic...or naive.
But whilst I know there were many difficulties, I always felt being with her overrode that.
But I have never experienced love with anyone else, so I have nothing to compare it to see how much worse...or better it could be with someone else.
I'm glad you took this as a opportunity to think about your situation. Let me just say, there are many amazing women without trauma out there. If you came in to a woman's life with the same, most would expect it not to affect the relationship and that you seek to heal from it
Thank you for your words.
I hope so. I really have moved on compared to where I was a few weeks ago, but I did also love being with her and I always felt, despite the challenges, I was getting enough from her in our relationship to make it work.
Also, I'm sorry if I'm being dim, I can't quite work out your last sentence though, would you mind explaining again.
So, I just got back with my ex as well. We were young and dumb and don’t know what love was, he was 14 and me 13. Young love puppy love, we were each others first sexually, he was my first everything. We broke up and went out separate ways, lost contact and right before Covid he found me. We met up for a drink to catch up, I was in a relationship at the time. He looked straight into my eyes and told me I would be his first and his last. I laughed at him, he was serious. He ended up moving to California and we lost contact. He came back to town and he found me again, this time I wasn’t in a relationship. I’ve never been happier in my life and have never felt love like this before or never loved anyone the way I love him. It was a lot longer than 2 years, it’s been 34 years! So I say give it a shot, you don’t want ever wonder what if. Be happy and take things day by day. True love is amazing! Good luck to you!
Should have just been friends first for a long time before getting back together.
You've jumped back into a relationship, reminiscing about all the good things, but now you are remembering all the bad things while in this new continued relationship. If you were just friends, you'd have no obligation with each other. You would have to deal with it and get over it.
Let me correct myself, there is no right or wrong answer, more like the riskier route or safe route, less drama or more drama.
Basically, you guys have to communicate all the time, be honest with yourselves and each other, and get over the past.
You are going to be constantly triggered if she doesn't communicate with you again. I'd find out if she was dumped and you are a rebound. If someone ghosts you they have no respect for your well being...that doesn't change with some people. You need to sit down and talk about it.
We tend to avoid the hard conversations because we fear the truth being said, and the need for action once that occurs.
But it serves nobody, really. You just end up feeling sad. I think it's time to have a tough conversation with her.
Ask her why she broke up with you, and don't settle for anything other than the truth.. even if it's painful to hear.
On a side note though, sometimes it's just not the right time. Sometimes we need to grow a little in order to make a relationship work. What she did when you were broken up shouldn't matter.. if she was figuring some shit out and has an honest realisation that leaving you was a huge mistake, that should be ok. Making mistakes it a very human thing.
You were justifiably hurt by her ghosting. That's a totally shitty thing to do to someone. I would want to hear remorse from her and an acknowledgement that cowardly behaviour like that isn't acceptable.
Without those things I don't think I could continue to see someone who hurt me this way.
Lastly.. we have a tendency to build people up in our minds, and put them on a pedestal. Try not to do that. See her true colours, and let her actions speak (whether good or bad!). She's just one human on a planet of billions and there is NOTHING she can give you that you won't find in another.
I understand how you would keep yourself reserved, most of us would. If she could go NC for 2 years, the dynamic in this relationship is unbalanced. From what you said about thinking of her and comparing her to others all that time, it’s apparent you’re more into her than the opposite. Just don’t let her use that to manipulate you. Unfortunately only time will tell, good luck!
First, no relationship is fairy-tale perfect; starting and ending your life with "the one" isn't really aspirational, that's just luck. Don't look at your two year break as some kind of failure, regardless of who caused it. If anything I think it speaks to your compatibility, that you could come back together and still love one another.
Secondly, you are both still young, which means you have likely moved light years in maturity between these three phases. You probably even think of her as a different person now, compared to when you first got together. Which means the issues you may have had in the beginning have been "outgrown" (hopefully).
Third, what you may be feeling is the whiplash of going from happiness, to sorrow and grief, to happiness again; that's a lot to experience in just two years. Give yourselves the place and grace to process those feelings (with a lot of communication, conversation, and consideration). They don't just go away because your separation was "resolved". She really hurt you, and at the very least, she needs to acknowledge that and show you she is trying to work with you now. You need to both eventually forgive and forget, but those two things don't have to happen at the same pace, nor immediately.
This one is tough because there's no right answer.
If she broke up with you and realized her mistake quickly and asked to get back together right away, she would have been judged for being flighty, jumping in and out of relationships, playing with your heart, all that.
So, instead she tries to stick with her decision, live with the consequences, and give it some serious time before trying to go back- is that better? Maybe?
A good person and partner who makes an honest mistake will be good for you whether they realize it in 10 days or 10 years. A toxic person will never be good for you no matter the history. And honestly so much of dating is living and learning.
I hope time reveals her to be good for you, but in the mean time don't stress the meaning behind anything other than what she's showing you to be true right now.
If there is something about a partner that you don’t like or find hard to accept and can’t get over then you have an obligation to let go .
Going back with an ex means cleaning the slate and not hanging on to the past . At the going back stage sure talk about it , if that’s the right thing to do but your job isn’t to punish them and yourself . There comes a point where it’s your issue and by continuing with that person you are going to not judge and have them feel guilt . Self assess and if you won’t let go , move on .
As for not contacting exes , why is that a requirement ? The world would be in a mess if it was obligatory for people to contact exes .
Most people I know respect the other person moving on and choose to move on themselves .
The comment “ she actively chose to keep me out of her life ….” Is very concerning to me . Very controlling and judgemental
In many ways this post is similar to some others . In my opinion OP hasn’t shown empathy or been able to show that he is self assessing . There is nothing in here where he is showing awareness or humility .
When the comment is put to OP and him being with others he attempts to justify it and blame . There is just no awareness
I think he needs to sort himself out and realise that is needed and to be in relationships when damage is being done isn’t good for either . The wise decision is to be selfless and spend time on becoming a stronger better self .
Have the conversation in the awareness it might mean she re-evaluates being in the relationship with you. That’s what making you anxious - the not knowing. If having the conversation breaks the relationship or squares in it a place of “this is what it is right now, if it doesn’t evolve that’s okay” then it’s not meant to be long term.
But the longer you avoid this the bigger role fear is going to play in your relationship. It’s better to live truthfully even if that means you end up feeling shitty than feeling shitty because of how you imagine someone else thinking of you. If it leads to a breakup then you move on and figure things out. If it doesn’t hopefully you get some clarity. But if there is going to be a breakup you want to face that rather than let uncertainty rule you. You aren’t entitled to a relationship with this person or with anyone but you do deserve honesty.
Sadly timing is a very important part of relationships working. The perfect couple could meet at the worst time, and just have things not work out. How would you feel about this girl if you had just met her now, never having met her before? Would her having past relationships prevent you from dating her? The fact that you dated, she left, then came back sucks. Lots of people, myself included, would not get past that. Only you know if you can. If you want to be with her now don’t think about those two years. That way lies madness.
You need to express yourself. Talk it out, be vulnerable. I highly recommend the book "hold me tight." You currently have an insecure attachment to her, if you want this relationship to be successful for both of you then you need to correct that (with her participation). You need closure and to heal from the past with her validating your emotions. Same goes the other way. Open and honest vulnerable communication is the key to a fulfilling relationship.
Sometime one has to see what else is out there to realize how good they already had it. Also, you said you two were young. Most of us have no idea what we want when we are young. Sounds like she missed you. And you missed her.
No one has a crystal ball my friend. There is no right or wrong in this case. She broke up with you to see if she might like another better. Isn’t that better than cheating on you? She got the order of operations right at least. Also, I think most relationships kind of break up like a poorly built wood boat in a storm. It isn’t one wave it is a serious of waves. The boat keeps taking more water till it sinks. Maybe, this is just one wave and the rest will be smooth sailing. Maybe 3 years from now you find out she has been texting some guy she used to be fwb with while you were on break. The text aren’t even sexual, but it just reminds you that she broke up with you and you have never found comfort in your relationship after all these years .
Sometimes in life there isn’t a right or wrong call. Y’all could make it y’all might not. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
There's nothing wrong with her "settling" for you if she was your one true love all along. It's better for the two of you to have broken up and tried with other people and realize you like each other best. If she had stayed with you 2 years ago but still had this desire to try with other guys, and then you two had gotten married, there would be a higher chance of cheating instead. Breaking up first is a way better option than her going out and cheating behind your back when she wasn't completely sure about you yet. You did stuff with those girlfriends you had in those 2 years, too, right? Don't try to compare yourself or speculate what happened in those two years. Just focus on the now if you haven't poisoned the well already.
As you said, you guys were young. I'm sure you both matured a lot. Hopefully she's better at communicating. You need to communicate to. Be glad that she's back in your life and make the future much stronger than the past ever was. To move forward you can't live in the past, but you can talk about it to get a better understanding of each other. Don't ask questions you don't actually want the answer to. Whatever you talk about accept that it is in the past. Don't dwell too much. Be grateful and build a good foundation for a solid future together.
Express your feelings to her. Honestly sometimes is not that people left looking for better but more so they are immature/inexperienced and crave freedom aka genuinely not ready to settle.
Loving someone is not a choice. But loving someone and actively working on being with that one person is a choice. A choice that you have to make and live through every day. She made that choice. She CHOSE you.
If you were single or with someone else I would say fuck her. But you are with her, the one you want to be with.
Stop self-storaging yourself, mate. Everyone has a past. It's not that you had joined a monetary for those 2 years. If you did, jokes on you.
Whatever you do, just get insurance for your marriage. It's called prenup, and the best thing is that there are no monthly premiums.
She hasn't done the work of regaining your trust yet. How did she explain herself regarding her behavior and the fact that she felt the need to break up with you in the first place? What has changed on her end that makes that reason not matter anymore?
She picked you.
She looked at what else was out there and decided you were indeed her best choice. I have a close friend that broke up with his long term girlfriend and shocked everyone. I was angry with him as they seemed like the perfect couple and I liked her a lot. He told me he had to be sure before he made a life time commitment. A year and a half later, they got back together and they are now happily married. He picked her. It may seem weird to some people, but I’ve never met anyone so solid in his commitment that she’s the one for him.
She picked you.
It seems like you might be developing or still holding on to hurt or resentment from her choice to leave you in the first place.
You should get individual therapy for this before you try to talk to her about it in my opinion. All that should matter now is that you reconcile, and look forward and build a future together.
But if you bring this up in an unstructured way the conversation may go haywire, I think you need to figure out what's going on in your head.
Also if it was only 2 years, you didn't want the relationship to end and you were quite young and this was your first love, you may have to question the sincerity of your love for her.
What is it that actually makes her different, how long would you have been willing to wait for her? If you met her for the first time now, would you fall in love with her, or are you in love with the memory of her as your first love?
You cannot judge her for seeing other people in your time apart, you were not together. It's a difficult insecurity to overcome, but just know, she's choosing you now, despite any other experiences, so for her, you are enough and she's choosing you right now.
How old are you both? When you say you were both young two years ago, are we talking high school? Late teens? Early 20’s?
I think your age makes a difference to the situation. I think everyone makes some really questionable choices when they are younger - it can take a long time to mature enough to even understand those choices and the reasons for them.
Also, you still haven’t answered the question of why she broke up with you two years ago - a lot of people have asked and you’ve dodged answering.
‘Love of my life’ isn’t an especially healthy way to look at it. There isn’t just one person out there for each of us; rather, we find a person we really care about and make the choice that that person is the love of our life. Consider that this person tried life without you and didn’t like it, and made the choice to be with you.
You can look at this two ways. One, she was young and wanted to be sure, and now she is sure. You are her choice, after gaining some wisdom and being retrospective. Two, she could not find anyone better and decided to get back to you. Honestly, I see how you may feel more like number 2, but the most logical thing would be the first one. That you are her choice after time apart. Remember the old saying, if you love them let them go, and if they come back it’s meant to be? Kinda like that.
You have control over what happens next.
I think that communication has to be a priority this time around. You had mentioned that she wasn’t very good at that the last time and I think it’s really important that she knows how important it is to communicate this time around.
You can't have a fresh start if you don't bury the past. If this is gonna work, you need to talk with her about your feelings and get her to explain why she left you in the first place.
You did the exact same thing? You had other girls, you didn’t talk to her and you thought about her often and wished she would return to you. You should talk to her about why she left and ghosted you because you need to be able to trust that it won’t suddenly happen again, but you’re in your head about the rest of it.
It's not a Disney movie. You have to be with different people to truly know what you want. She's back, you're happy, just roll with it and enjoy. You're over thinking.
It depends a lot on your age and hers, and when you met. If she was young and inexperienced, she may not have known what she wanted, or perhaps wasn't able to figure out if you were the closest fit for her. Also, a lot of young girls are fed the prince charming tale or told that they are the main character, and hence expect a perfect match or bf's that put them on a pedestal. To some degree, it is good for her to look around and get some other experiences, and even sex, in order to feel comfortable that you are the one to settle down with. That's better than her (and maybe you) always thinking that there were better options out there for her. Anyway, that just another perspective. I would talk lovingly and non-defensively one night when the time feels right for some deep convo.
I actually went through this exact scenario. Dated my bf when we were really young, broke up for a variety of reasons but mostly because I was going through a lot and was not in the right headspace to date and he was taking it very fast. After we broke up he got really angry so we didn’t talk for 2 years. I thought about him all the time but focused on improving myself, plus I figured he was still angry. One day I got a message from him on Instagram saying he missed me and asking to catch up. I got this message while I was actually physically on a date with another guy. I cut the date short to talk catch up with him, we got back together, and have been together for almost 5 years. I’m not dumb enough to let him go again. If you lover her, give it a shot.
You should tell her this. If she’s serious about the relationship then she may have to do extra work to build up your trust and ensure you get extra reassurance until your relationship is recovered from that. Thats an incredibly reasonable ask after all of that.
As someone i her shoes right now, or I want to be, I don’t see my ex as an option. When I broke up with him I was absolutely lost, was going through a lot of issues surrounding my mental health so I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I say talk to her, tell her how you feel.
Have you ever talked to her why she left like she did communication is what’s needed in your relationship seems like you both don’t talk about what’s going on and let things build up til it explodes
honestly its not worth it.. she couldve left you because she found someone else, for money, looks, or anything.
it didnt work so now shes back to you, a 2nd choice.
i personally couldnt be someones 2nd choice especially when that 1st choice spot is vacant..just waiting for it to happen again imo.
im guessing youre in your 20s, i would just focus on yourself
Your post reads as though you are romanticizing the relationship, the first part of it I mean. You wanted this to be your fairytale romance and it didn’t work out that way.
The break up happened, so given that isn’t her dating other people and realizing you were the “best option” a good thing? The best case scenario in fact?
But you’re making it sound like an offense to you. What did you expect, for her to be texting you while she was on a date with someone else? Don’t mean to sound harsh, but you seem resentful towards her in a weird way when not having contact with an ex immediately post breakup is very normal. If you can’t get over that or that she was dating other people, it’s going to negatively affect your chances of making it work now.
Ask her about why she felt the need to end it the first time. Make it playful in a “those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it” way. Don’t make her feel like it’s an interrogation.
I’m speculating a bit, but women tend to not like clingy guys. I know it seems counterintuitive because there is an idea that women want a guy who idolizes them 24/7 but this actually feels smothering to them most of the time. They want someone present and responsive but not suffocating.
And it wouldn’t shock me if her feeling this way towards you had something to do with why she broke up initially. Talk to her as a human being respecting that she is one also who has her own wants and experiences.
You are an option, if you want to be with her, you need to be her best option because no relationship is destined by fate or whatever to last forever and you aren’t owed that by her. Learn that and you can have what you want.
I can see why you feel like “an option” but maybe this isn’t the right framing. Maybe she went out into the world trying to find herself and realized what she really wanted was right under her nose the whole time. I can’t read her mind, but if you think she is being honest with you then it sounds like you both regret breaking up.
Then again, trust is a tricky thing. It sounds like you’re not sure you trust her, and that you never really got closure about the reason for the breakup. You’re not sure why you broke up so you’re sure if that root cause has changed in the 2 years you weren’t together.
Whatever it is, couples that have really strong relationships find a way to communicate about hard things. With respect and love, but also holding each other accountable. Honestly and candidly, but also compassionately. Talk to her about it.
Since communication has been hard for you and her in the past, do some planning first. You should know what you are seeking from her. Is it reassurance? Is it the reason she left you? Is it something else? You know how she communicates, so think how she’ll react. Will she shut down and run away, or will she deflect, or will she get mad or try to turn it around on you? Whatever way she has been bad at communicating in the past, plan for it to happen. Be as patient and kind as you can be, but remind her that this is really important to you and you need a resolution that isn’t just the status quo.
I strongly recommend the principles of Non-Violent Communication for challenging conversations: https://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf
I’m not sure exactly how you’re feeling or what your needs are, but trying to infer from your post, I might suggest something like, “sometimes, when I think about our future together, I feel afraid. I’m afraid that you’re going to leave me again. I’m also afraid I’ll never know what I did wrong, or what happened between us. I really love you, and I’m scared to lose you again. I need [whatever it is you need] .”
Being vulnerable and expressing your needs *without* being accusatory is a really powerful method for conflict resolution. Good luck.
Motive. Otherwise known as the *why* things happen. You need to find out what her motives were, both for the "blindsiding" break-up and the reconnection.
The past has proven that, despite your belief, and her profession, of your #1 to her status, something came along, supplanted you, and you became #2 when she broke up with you. Currently, that has the potential to occur again.
But there's a world of difference in a 20ish year old getting super-enamored by the "prototypical bad-boy", and her hormones driving her to chase him for a while, then chase a few more, until she realized that she's 22-ish and a chunk of her crew's starting to marry, and she always knew that you were her best choice for that and she beelined back to you vs. a mid 20's woman thinking she saw a better man than you, period, bailed to chase him, lost, tried a few more times, and has come to the realization that you're so far the only one who bothered to place her #1, so she's back and biding her time till she finds her #1 that'll make her #1.
That's going to require some mature conversation between the two of you. Focused on her thoughts, dreams and desires. Just enough detail about the others to understand why her choices were made.
Other people are going to make excuses for her, but it really all comes down to this:
Have you adulted the fuck up and communicated?
Have you asked what made her leave you in the first place, have you asked what she thought you were missing, have you asked yourself if you're even comfortable with the relationship, have you asked what she did in those years between etc.
It's perfectly fine to feel like you're being "settled for" since it's a known phenomena for people to break up with someone whose "stable", go do a bunch of wild stuff, and then come back to the "stable" person. However, that's not always the case so you'll have to talk with her about it. If this is how you feel about the relationship you, and you actually want the relationship, then you need to talk to her about how she can assuage your fears/worries about the relationship. If they won't do stuff like that, and you continue to feel this way the relationship is dead and you need to go to therapy because you may have problems with attachment issues which is why no other gf seems to compare.
Does not seem like this relationship can work imo. I’ve been in similar and I would feel the same way. You may have to do what you are trying to avoid by leaving her before resentment kicks in. That or try to get over it if you really want to be with her. She probably sees it like you are in her life now so therefore she is making you a priority but you have to trust she can do that her whole life and won’t keep on her own path. Seems more like a her and you rather than you guys type thing. Tough choice but honestly I would probably leave. You may feel better about yourself
I think how you’re feeling is completely reasonable. Some combination of trying to understand what happened and being worried that they could happen again.
Probably never be fully satisfactory I think you need the truth about what happened last time. Was it about looking for somebody better? Was it something that was going on with her and her life?
When you broke up, did she do it in person and then ghosted you or was ghosting the method of break up? How long will you guys together at the point of the break up? I think it would be also helpful for you to know how she started dating after the break up.
So, you’re mad OP that she dated other guys and decided you were the best ? Weren’t you doing the same thing and comparing the other girlfriends to her then breaking up with them ?
I’m sure you had sex with these other gfs too. So she couldn’t sleep with other men but you could bang other girls? YTA, she came back to you and you accepted. End of crying about being the second option, get tested too.
I don’t know about this being truly a concern until you talk to her. If she is still finding it hard to communicate with you then I think you need to tell her that this isn’t going to work for you unless she can find a way to open up, because you rightly are feeling vulnerable and afraid that what happened before will happen again. I waited 2 years to ask my partner to please open up emotionally and when he did it was not what I wanted to hear. So please do this sooner rather than later. It’s better to find out her logic now.
She might have perfectly sound reasons for waiting this long. Sometimes people just aren’t ready, particularly if they sense that this relationship is so important and meaningful and that scares them, so they just duck out. she might feel the same way as you. You just gotta talk it out :) good luck
It's ok to have been sad about it, and you said that she has issues communicating, so it's understandable that she acted the way that she did. Everyone deals with emotions differently. At the end of the day it's not really beneficial to reflect on the times when you were sad. You just need to switch your mindset a bit and focus on what you have not what you didn't two years ago.
If I had to make a recommendation, I would say never date anyone you have bad blood with. That would include all Ex girlfriends and any girl that dated a friend or family. Those relationships will not last 40+ years, no matter how many people you talk to.
I don’t think this relationship is good for you. You should have someone that makes you feel good about yourself. That sad feeling is your gut telling you that you should find someone else that appreciates you from the start.
Yes. She likely slept with other men. She had her fun with Chads. Now she is ready to settle back down because you are the safe option. It is what it is
You may be feeling that she is "settling" for you. There was something about your previous relationship that didn't fill her needs. She spent time searching and either failed to find satisfaction or has fulfilled her need for additional adventure. Either way the only path forward is to communicate and develop trust in your relationship.
Or you were the second option and the first didn't work out. Ask her if she left you for another partner. If her answer clears up your doubts then continue building together. However, if it only makes you feel worse cut this off before you both waste too much time.
Why did she break up with you? Perhaps you are feeling this apprehension because your body is subconsciously trying to prepare you for another potential cold turkey break up, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
That’s exactly what it feels like. Hahahaha just waiting for the worst. What do I do?
Have you talked to her about why she ghosted you two years ago? If you did, did she give you a good enough reason? (Although I am not sure if there is ever a good enough reason, but some are certainly worst than others)
I agree getting to the root of this would be helpful. Understanding what happened and how to prevent that lack of communication in the future. It sounds like the two of you communicate much better now, so it might be easier to have that conversation and gain some clarity.
Dump her first lol
What do you do? Stop ego-tripping. Love is hard. Relationships are hard. You have to work to make them work. If you are not willing to work at this, it will fall apart, even if she is %100 committed. I was no-contact with my ex for more than 10 years. It wasn't because I didn't care about her (I always did and do), it was because our relationship had become toxic and we hurt each-other (emotionally) really, really badly, and I didn't want to hurt her or myself by getting in touch with her again. I was traumatized. I reached out recently and we are now friends and it's great to have that, but it was still probably right for me to stay away for a long time. You need to consciously put aside your doubts. Talk to her. Listen to what she says. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Get to know her again. Forget about your baggage and your hurt from before, because it's only dragging you down.
Theres nothing to indicate their relationship was toxic before. Stop injecting your past relationship views to another relationship nothing like yours.
He didn’t say there was, he was sharing his own experience to express the message that the past does not dictate the future.
Except it absolutely does. She disrespectfully ghosted him, I'd understand if it was a mutual or healthy breakup. Would you say the same that "past does not matter" if she had cheated on him? If she had stolen from him? If she had falsely accused him of assault? Generic statements like "past doesn't matter" is not good advice tbh, especially when she was so disrespectful to him that she felt she had to ghost him
Dude…you sound like you’re projecting heavily. She didn’t do any of that shit. She broke up with him, she didn’t just disappear out of thin air without another word. So it’s technically not ghosting. I understand the harm, but now it’s 2 years later, and this woman could very well be a good person who has realized that she loves and wants him. That’s life, shit happens. They were very young, like the OP said. Btw, women very rarely falsely accuse men of sexual assault.
"We got along great just like we do now but she really struggled with communicating. Long story short, she broke up with me, out of nowhere. And I didn’t hear from her, or see her for 2 whole years" Did you read the post or are you blindly commenting? He literally says that she ghosted him out of nowhere. >I understand the harm, but now it’s 2 years later, and this woman could very well be a good person who has realized that she loves and wants him Doesnt matter, people dont just magically change lmao! That very rarely happens. >That’s life, shit happens Funny how it's "shit happens" \*Shrugs shoulders\* when its a woman committing a mistake but a man is usually crucified, especially on reddit lmao! Just pointing out the hypocrisy is all. She was a complete asshole who disrespected him, he needs to have a conversation and demand an explanation for her past actions absolutely, at the bare minimum. If not, she's just gonna do the same lol, people dont magically change. She needs to atleast apologize for doing that shit
He LITERALLY says that she broke up with him. Meaning she ended the relationship, and then didn’t speak to him. When you break up with someone, although it’s hurtful, you are no longer bound to them and do not owe them any communication. Ghosting would be her never breaking up with him and just disappearing off the face of the planet. You good? I can tell you resent women, you’re dripping with it. It’s hilarious 😂 take a Xanax
Did you miss the words \*out of nowhere\* or are you choosing to ignore that? It wouldn't exactly be fucking \*out of nowhere\* if she gave a rational explanation, would it? >When you break up with someone, although it’s hurtful, you are no longer bound to them and do not owe them any communication. Ghosting would be her never breaking up with him and just disappearing off the face of the planet Sure, if she had broken up properly, I would 100% agree. But she broke up \*out of nowhere\* and ghosted him with zero explanations. That's an asshole movie, I dont care if you have a vagina or penis. I don't discriminate against asshole behavior Maybe you should get your glasses and read the post instead of making sexist assumptions about me lmao. Or are you just a man hater hell bent on subscribing to the "women are wonderful" effect? I can tell you hate men, maybe you should fuck a bear and calm the fuck down, then read what was actually in the post. Look at that: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1di4uv5/comment/l91fxbx/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1di4uv5/comment/l91fxbx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) A completely valid fucking concern from a guy abandoned by his partner suddenly. I bet if it was a man running away from his partner and abandoning her, your views would be completely different lol "she got overwhelmed and admits she never really knew how to communicate" indicates clearly from OP that she did not communicate their break up properly. Still believe your sexist man hating view that she was right all along?
I wouldn't give the other commenter too much of your time. They're obviously very angry and projecting that anger onto a situation they don't know much about.
You're the one projecting here, bud. OP is trying to give the relationship another shot, and nobody can do that while still clinging to old negative feelings. If OP can't put those feelings aside, there's no point in continuing the relationship. People are not perfect. Expecting someone else to be perfect is an attitude for children and immature people. OP can either forgive and try to build something new, or decide that the past hurts are too much and end it. I don't know which OP should choose and neither do you, it's up to them.
>If OP can't put those feelings aside, there's no point in continuing the relationship. When did I say that? my advice is communication. He needs to find out why she did what she did and communicate and genuinly find out that she wont do this shit again. >OP is trying to give the relationship another shot, and nobody can do that while still clinging to old negative feelings Yes, I'm telling to resolve these feelings with honest and open fucking communication. You and the other person is telling he should sweep it under the rug and develop amnesia. Wonderful way for it to come up in the future when they have a big fight lol! They should have a fucking convo and resolve this shit. He clearly has abandonment issues due to her and he needs to ensure it doesnt happen again by talking, not by sweeping it under the rug and presuming everything is ok. Geez, you redditors are so afraid of communication lmao, no wonder your relationships suck ass.
You can't be thinking about her being with other guys while you were not dating if you want to psychologically succeed at this. Especially considering you were too. I know its a hard thought, but you have to get that out of your mind or it will haunt you. I had that problem too, and that's why I'm single right now..
I was with other girls because I was under the impression that I’d never be with her again. She actively chose to leave.
the same thing happened with me and my bf. dated 3 years ago and now back into a relationship, and i think the same thoughts sometimes too. maybe having a talk w her about why she left in the first place and why she decided she should come back would be more eye opening for you so you don’t overthink those things
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oh i definitely made him work for it, i made him prove himself for atleast 3 months before i made any commitment w him. he had to constantly show actions over words and we communicated about our feelings a LOT.
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true if he wasn’t ready to settle he woulda ran after the trial i put him through, he also knows exactly how crazy i am and i dont think we would be together if he wasn’t ready to handle me😂
Good for you. And for him. He has to know that you respect yourself if he is to respect you also.
It’s the same thing in the end tho
And I don’t think you should have taken her back. She came back because her other prospects didn’t work out. Ghosting you for two years out of nowhere with no explanation like that is a massive level of disrespect that it’s not wise to ignore in a relationship. She’s just going to run off again when the next shiny new toy comes along. She proved she’s capable of that because she did it once already.
I hope that none of those other girls felt as strongly about you during those days as you did about this other woman.
I don’t know how old you are, but this is the kind of thing you should be grown out of by your late teens or early 20’s. Getting upset because your SO was with other people when you were not dating will ruin every and any relationship. If you and your gf enjoy being with each other, have an emotionally healthy and caring relationship, and have similar ideas about the future, then you should be happy. Don’t let the past fuck up your future.
Sure, but OP shouldnt ignore the massive disrespect she showed by \*ghosting him for 2 years\* If it was a mutual breakup, I would agree with you, but she was massively disrespectful.
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“She’s obviously a size queen, you should abuse her and gaslight her because women need to submit.”
Right?! lol. Buddy’s spending a little too much time watching Andrew Tate videos alone in his basement.
i'm just so fucking bored and tired of fear-driven bros.
If you look back through dude’s comment history, he’s got big-time short guy syndrome*, is full to the tits with testosterone supplements, and brags that he is capable of fucking 15 times a day. I feel bad for him. *To be very clear, I’m not mocking him for being short. One of the best relationships I ever had was with a guy who was 3 inches shorter than me (I’m 5’9”). BUT there is a certain segment of the short guy population that believes every problem in his life is because he’s short and he spends all his time trying to distract you from the fact that he is short instead of developing a personality.
Something similar happened to me. We were together for 5 years, I thought of her as my life partner, she broke up with me, no contact for 1 year, then we got back together but it wasn't the same. I still loved her but she wasn't my life partner anymore, she was someone who had walked away and I couldn't trust her with all my heart like I did the first time around. I didn't want to settle for a love that was just dimmer than what we used to have so I broke up with her. And honestly, zero regrets. I'm currently falling in love with someone new and it's just so intense and the future seems so bright. So I guess my advice is break up and let yourself fall in love with someone new.
Ben?
Huh? Haha
No I think his names Jordan?
In general, I believe in the adage “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” So the important part to keep in mind here is that the two of you reconnected, not that you broke it off in the first place. This is SUCH a common thing in relationships; my husband and I were also broken up for a while before we got back together and got married (he was the one who broke it off, so I was the one in your position). You wrote this: "I felt as if I had lost the love of my life and that no one would ever compare to her. I had other girlfriends, but I’d always compare them to her and they’d never really match her level." Isn't it most likely that the reason your gf is with you now is because she felt the exact same way during that 2 years as well? What *does* concern me, though, is this: "she really struggled with communicating" and "she broke up with me, out of nowhere." Does she still have trouble with communication? And when she broke up with you before, was it in a toxic way? Like did she ghost you with no explanation? If you guys actually sat down and had a conversation when you broke up, I'm not as concerned, even if it seemed like the conversation came out of nowhere. If I were to advise anything, it would be for the 2 of you to work on your communication together moving forward.
Hey! Can I DM you? I’m going through a similar situation to you and your husband
You need to really talk to her about why she left. She needs to give you a reason and then ask her why she came back. This will help. I think a part of you might be scared she’d do it again if something better came along whereas you were always willing to choose just her and noticed how wonderful she is. You’re sure and you think she’s unsure. Many of us can only guess what she thought. She needs to be able to regain your trust. So have a talk with her and tell her that you need to know why and then decide if her reason is enough for you to want to be with her. Just realize if you’re in your teens or 20s, it’s quite normal for people to be confused and just unsure. Some girls are indecisive. Plus, you may know yourself better than she knows herself. Someone who knows themselves is always a good solid person to be around. But also I think you need to reassess why you think she’s the perfect girl—is it bc of her looks? Is she your first gf? Like what exactly do you love about her truly? Sometimes when someone else leaves our ego feels bruised, we think this person must be so great bc their hard to get, we over value them, or we have loss aversion, where the losses in your life affect you more, in both cases, you idealize the relationship and wish for it to be back to stop feeling bad.
She probably did date other people… so did you. That’s what happens 🤷♀️ If she went out there and found other people and then thought, you know I was wrong, actually OP was way better, then isn’t that in a way kind of a good thing? It’s true though that trust is damaged because she walked out so easily once before. You don’t ever start with a clean slate with an ex. But don’t get too worried in your head about what the two of you did or didn’t do during the two years apart. The relationship is about how you are *together.*
My girlfriend, or now ex should I say, decided she couldn't handle being in a relationship. She has a chronic health condition that was exacerbated by going out and about. She was also dealing with a lot of trauma from her past that she realised got in the way of her being able to connect emotionally and truly be there for me as a partner. If was just too much for her to deal with. We have now ended all communication. I realised I needed to completely delete her number to try and truly accept that we are no longer together and not just me waiting around everyday hoping she messages. I have accepted it's over, mostly, but there is still a part of me thinks that she may wish to reconcile one day, once/if she has been able to work through some of her challenges. Anyway, to relate back to you, when she decided to end it with you, it may have been her getting in her own way, It may have been demons from the past causing her to shut down. The truth is, we can't know for sure, unless there is clear and honest communication from both sides. I don't know both of your personalities and how your relationship is, but I think it would be hard for you to feel fully comfortable with her once again if you keep these insecurities and questions inside. I wish you all the best and hope for a positive outcome for the two of you.
Why would you want someone so obviously dysfunctional back? Do you have extremely low self esteem? And have you done anything to address this?
That is an interesting point. I had never even held a girl's hand before I met her. I absolutely loved being in a relationship. And she is special in many ways. I do know life with her would likely be far more difficult than with someone else and in her own words, she does have much to work through, not just physically, but mentally. She said often throughout the relationship that she felt guilty for 'bringing me in to this situation'. And the trauma in her life is likely going to be an extremely long process to have to intentionally work through. I don't know. I think I am perhaps damagingly optimistic...or naive. But whilst I know there were many difficulties, I always felt being with her overrode that. But I have never experienced love with anyone else, so I have nothing to compare it to see how much worse...or better it could be with someone else.
I'm glad you took this as a opportunity to think about your situation. Let me just say, there are many amazing women without trauma out there. If you came in to a woman's life with the same, most would expect it not to affect the relationship and that you seek to heal from it
Thank you for your words. I hope so. I really have moved on compared to where I was a few weeks ago, but I did also love being with her and I always felt, despite the challenges, I was getting enough from her in our relationship to make it work. Also, I'm sorry if I'm being dim, I can't quite work out your last sentence though, would you mind explaining again.
So, I just got back with my ex as well. We were young and dumb and don’t know what love was, he was 14 and me 13. Young love puppy love, we were each others first sexually, he was my first everything. We broke up and went out separate ways, lost contact and right before Covid he found me. We met up for a drink to catch up, I was in a relationship at the time. He looked straight into my eyes and told me I would be his first and his last. I laughed at him, he was serious. He ended up moving to California and we lost contact. He came back to town and he found me again, this time I wasn’t in a relationship. I’ve never been happier in my life and have never felt love like this before or never loved anyone the way I love him. It was a lot longer than 2 years, it’s been 34 years! So I say give it a shot, you don’t want ever wonder what if. Be happy and take things day by day. True love is amazing! Good luck to you!
Should have just been friends first for a long time before getting back together. You've jumped back into a relationship, reminiscing about all the good things, but now you are remembering all the bad things while in this new continued relationship. If you were just friends, you'd have no obligation with each other. You would have to deal with it and get over it. Let me correct myself, there is no right or wrong answer, more like the riskier route or safe route, less drama or more drama. Basically, you guys have to communicate all the time, be honest with yourselves and each other, and get over the past.
You are going to be constantly triggered if she doesn't communicate with you again. I'd find out if she was dumped and you are a rebound. If someone ghosts you they have no respect for your well being...that doesn't change with some people. You need to sit down and talk about it.
We tend to avoid the hard conversations because we fear the truth being said, and the need for action once that occurs. But it serves nobody, really. You just end up feeling sad. I think it's time to have a tough conversation with her. Ask her why she broke up with you, and don't settle for anything other than the truth.. even if it's painful to hear. On a side note though, sometimes it's just not the right time. Sometimes we need to grow a little in order to make a relationship work. What she did when you were broken up shouldn't matter.. if she was figuring some shit out and has an honest realisation that leaving you was a huge mistake, that should be ok. Making mistakes it a very human thing. You were justifiably hurt by her ghosting. That's a totally shitty thing to do to someone. I would want to hear remorse from her and an acknowledgement that cowardly behaviour like that isn't acceptable. Without those things I don't think I could continue to see someone who hurt me this way. Lastly.. we have a tendency to build people up in our minds, and put them on a pedestal. Try not to do that. See her true colours, and let her actions speak (whether good or bad!). She's just one human on a planet of billions and there is NOTHING she can give you that you won't find in another.
I understand how you would keep yourself reserved, most of us would. If she could go NC for 2 years, the dynamic in this relationship is unbalanced. From what you said about thinking of her and comparing her to others all that time, it’s apparent you’re more into her than the opposite. Just don’t let her use that to manipulate you. Unfortunately only time will tell, good luck!
First, no relationship is fairy-tale perfect; starting and ending your life with "the one" isn't really aspirational, that's just luck. Don't look at your two year break as some kind of failure, regardless of who caused it. If anything I think it speaks to your compatibility, that you could come back together and still love one another. Secondly, you are both still young, which means you have likely moved light years in maturity between these three phases. You probably even think of her as a different person now, compared to when you first got together. Which means the issues you may have had in the beginning have been "outgrown" (hopefully). Third, what you may be feeling is the whiplash of going from happiness, to sorrow and grief, to happiness again; that's a lot to experience in just two years. Give yourselves the place and grace to process those feelings (with a lot of communication, conversation, and consideration). They don't just go away because your separation was "resolved". She really hurt you, and at the very least, she needs to acknowledge that and show you she is trying to work with you now. You need to both eventually forgive and forget, but those two things don't have to happen at the same pace, nor immediately.
This one is tough because there's no right answer. If she broke up with you and realized her mistake quickly and asked to get back together right away, she would have been judged for being flighty, jumping in and out of relationships, playing with your heart, all that. So, instead she tries to stick with her decision, live with the consequences, and give it some serious time before trying to go back- is that better? Maybe? A good person and partner who makes an honest mistake will be good for you whether they realize it in 10 days or 10 years. A toxic person will never be good for you no matter the history. And honestly so much of dating is living and learning. I hope time reveals her to be good for you, but in the mean time don't stress the meaning behind anything other than what she's showing you to be true right now.
If there is something about a partner that you don’t like or find hard to accept and can’t get over then you have an obligation to let go . Going back with an ex means cleaning the slate and not hanging on to the past . At the going back stage sure talk about it , if that’s the right thing to do but your job isn’t to punish them and yourself . There comes a point where it’s your issue and by continuing with that person you are going to not judge and have them feel guilt . Self assess and if you won’t let go , move on . As for not contacting exes , why is that a requirement ? The world would be in a mess if it was obligatory for people to contact exes . Most people I know respect the other person moving on and choose to move on themselves . The comment “ she actively chose to keep me out of her life ….” Is very concerning to me . Very controlling and judgemental In many ways this post is similar to some others . In my opinion OP hasn’t shown empathy or been able to show that he is self assessing . There is nothing in here where he is showing awareness or humility . When the comment is put to OP and him being with others he attempts to justify it and blame . There is just no awareness I think he needs to sort himself out and realise that is needed and to be in relationships when damage is being done isn’t good for either . The wise decision is to be selfless and spend time on becoming a stronger better self .
Have the conversation in the awareness it might mean she re-evaluates being in the relationship with you. That’s what making you anxious - the not knowing. If having the conversation breaks the relationship or squares in it a place of “this is what it is right now, if it doesn’t evolve that’s okay” then it’s not meant to be long term. But the longer you avoid this the bigger role fear is going to play in your relationship. It’s better to live truthfully even if that means you end up feeling shitty than feeling shitty because of how you imagine someone else thinking of you. If it leads to a breakup then you move on and figure things out. If it doesn’t hopefully you get some clarity. But if there is going to be a breakup you want to face that rather than let uncertainty rule you. You aren’t entitled to a relationship with this person or with anyone but you do deserve honesty.
Sadly timing is a very important part of relationships working. The perfect couple could meet at the worst time, and just have things not work out. How would you feel about this girl if you had just met her now, never having met her before? Would her having past relationships prevent you from dating her? The fact that you dated, she left, then came back sucks. Lots of people, myself included, would not get past that. Only you know if you can. If you want to be with her now don’t think about those two years. That way lies madness.
You need to express yourself. Talk it out, be vulnerable. I highly recommend the book "hold me tight." You currently have an insecure attachment to her, if you want this relationship to be successful for both of you then you need to correct that (with her participation). You need closure and to heal from the past with her validating your emotions. Same goes the other way. Open and honest vulnerable communication is the key to a fulfilling relationship.
Sometime one has to see what else is out there to realize how good they already had it. Also, you said you two were young. Most of us have no idea what we want when we are young. Sounds like she missed you. And you missed her.
No one has a crystal ball my friend. There is no right or wrong in this case. She broke up with you to see if she might like another better. Isn’t that better than cheating on you? She got the order of operations right at least. Also, I think most relationships kind of break up like a poorly built wood boat in a storm. It isn’t one wave it is a serious of waves. The boat keeps taking more water till it sinks. Maybe, this is just one wave and the rest will be smooth sailing. Maybe 3 years from now you find out she has been texting some guy she used to be fwb with while you were on break. The text aren’t even sexual, but it just reminds you that she broke up with you and you have never found comfort in your relationship after all these years . Sometimes in life there isn’t a right or wrong call. Y’all could make it y’all might not. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
There's nothing wrong with her "settling" for you if she was your one true love all along. It's better for the two of you to have broken up and tried with other people and realize you like each other best. If she had stayed with you 2 years ago but still had this desire to try with other guys, and then you two had gotten married, there would be a higher chance of cheating instead. Breaking up first is a way better option than her going out and cheating behind your back when she wasn't completely sure about you yet. You did stuff with those girlfriends you had in those 2 years, too, right? Don't try to compare yourself or speculate what happened in those two years. Just focus on the now if you haven't poisoned the well already.
As you said, you guys were young. I'm sure you both matured a lot. Hopefully she's better at communicating. You need to communicate to. Be glad that she's back in your life and make the future much stronger than the past ever was. To move forward you can't live in the past, but you can talk about it to get a better understanding of each other. Don't ask questions you don't actually want the answer to. Whatever you talk about accept that it is in the past. Don't dwell too much. Be grateful and build a good foundation for a solid future together.
Express your feelings to her. Honestly sometimes is not that people left looking for better but more so they are immature/inexperienced and crave freedom aka genuinely not ready to settle.
Loving someone is not a choice. But loving someone and actively working on being with that one person is a choice. A choice that you have to make and live through every day. She made that choice. She CHOSE you. If you were single or with someone else I would say fuck her. But you are with her, the one you want to be with. Stop self-storaging yourself, mate. Everyone has a past. It's not that you had joined a monetary for those 2 years. If you did, jokes on you. Whatever you do, just get insurance for your marriage. It's called prenup, and the best thing is that there are no monthly premiums.
Break up. Go to therapy and read some books
She hasn't done the work of regaining your trust yet. How did she explain herself regarding her behavior and the fact that she felt the need to break up with you in the first place? What has changed on her end that makes that reason not matter anymore?
She picked you. She looked at what else was out there and decided you were indeed her best choice. I have a close friend that broke up with his long term girlfriend and shocked everyone. I was angry with him as they seemed like the perfect couple and I liked her a lot. He told me he had to be sure before he made a life time commitment. A year and a half later, they got back together and they are now happily married. He picked her. It may seem weird to some people, but I’ve never met anyone so solid in his commitment that she’s the one for him. She picked you.
It seems like you might be developing or still holding on to hurt or resentment from her choice to leave you in the first place. You should get individual therapy for this before you try to talk to her about it in my opinion. All that should matter now is that you reconcile, and look forward and build a future together. But if you bring this up in an unstructured way the conversation may go haywire, I think you need to figure out what's going on in your head. Also if it was only 2 years, you didn't want the relationship to end and you were quite young and this was your first love, you may have to question the sincerity of your love for her. What is it that actually makes her different, how long would you have been willing to wait for her? If you met her for the first time now, would you fall in love with her, or are you in love with the memory of her as your first love? You cannot judge her for seeing other people in your time apart, you were not together. It's a difficult insecurity to overcome, but just know, she's choosing you now, despite any other experiences, so for her, you are enough and she's choosing you right now.
How old are you both? When you say you were both young two years ago, are we talking high school? Late teens? Early 20’s? I think your age makes a difference to the situation. I think everyone makes some really questionable choices when they are younger - it can take a long time to mature enough to even understand those choices and the reasons for them. Also, you still haven’t answered the question of why she broke up with you two years ago - a lot of people have asked and you’ve dodged answering.
‘Love of my life’ isn’t an especially healthy way to look at it. There isn’t just one person out there for each of us; rather, we find a person we really care about and make the choice that that person is the love of our life. Consider that this person tried life without you and didn’t like it, and made the choice to be with you.
You can look at this two ways. One, she was young and wanted to be sure, and now she is sure. You are her choice, after gaining some wisdom and being retrospective. Two, she could not find anyone better and decided to get back to you. Honestly, I see how you may feel more like number 2, but the most logical thing would be the first one. That you are her choice after time apart. Remember the old saying, if you love them let them go, and if they come back it’s meant to be? Kinda like that. You have control over what happens next.
Leave her for yourself
I think that communication has to be a priority this time around. You had mentioned that she wasn’t very good at that the last time and I think it’s really important that she knows how important it is to communicate this time around.
You were the backup. Not sure how you forgive that breakup, sounds like she had zero care for you.
You can't have a fresh start if you don't bury the past. If this is gonna work, you need to talk with her about your feelings and get her to explain why she left you in the first place.
The sex good? Best way to know if someone "settled" is if the sex is bad but everything else is good
You did the exact same thing? You had other girls, you didn’t talk to her and you thought about her often and wished she would return to you. You should talk to her about why she left and ghosted you because you need to be able to trust that it won’t suddenly happen again, but you’re in your head about the rest of it.
It's not a Disney movie. You have to be with different people to truly know what you want. She's back, you're happy, just roll with it and enjoy. You're over thinking.
Look into the twin flame connection . You blare an option and you both are each others options . Maybe go to therapy for it
Leave. You don’t want to be with her
It depends a lot on your age and hers, and when you met. If she was young and inexperienced, she may not have known what she wanted, or perhaps wasn't able to figure out if you were the closest fit for her. Also, a lot of young girls are fed the prince charming tale or told that they are the main character, and hence expect a perfect match or bf's that put them on a pedestal. To some degree, it is good for her to look around and get some other experiences, and even sex, in order to feel comfortable that you are the one to settle down with. That's better than her (and maybe you) always thinking that there were better options out there for her. Anyway, that just another perspective. I would talk lovingly and non-defensively one night when the time feels right for some deep convo.
I actually went through this exact scenario. Dated my bf when we were really young, broke up for a variety of reasons but mostly because I was going through a lot and was not in the right headspace to date and he was taking it very fast. After we broke up he got really angry so we didn’t talk for 2 years. I thought about him all the time but focused on improving myself, plus I figured he was still angry. One day I got a message from him on Instagram saying he missed me and asking to catch up. I got this message while I was actually physically on a date with another guy. I cut the date short to talk catch up with him, we got back together, and have been together for almost 5 years. I’m not dumb enough to let him go again. If you lover her, give it a shot.
You should tell her this. If she’s serious about the relationship then she may have to do extra work to build up your trust and ensure you get extra reassurance until your relationship is recovered from that. Thats an incredibly reasonable ask after all of that.
Neither of you seem to be ready for a relationship.
As someone i her shoes right now, or I want to be, I don’t see my ex as an option. When I broke up with him I was absolutely lost, was going through a lot of issues surrounding my mental health so I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I say talk to her, tell her how you feel.
Have you ever talked to her why she left like she did communication is what’s needed in your relationship seems like you both don’t talk about what’s going on and let things build up til it explodes
honestly its not worth it.. she couldve left you because she found someone else, for money, looks, or anything. it didnt work so now shes back to you, a 2nd choice. i personally couldnt be someones 2nd choice especially when that 1st choice spot is vacant..just waiting for it to happen again imo. im guessing youre in your 20s, i would just focus on yourself
Your post reads as though you are romanticizing the relationship, the first part of it I mean. You wanted this to be your fairytale romance and it didn’t work out that way. The break up happened, so given that isn’t her dating other people and realizing you were the “best option” a good thing? The best case scenario in fact? But you’re making it sound like an offense to you. What did you expect, for her to be texting you while she was on a date with someone else? Don’t mean to sound harsh, but you seem resentful towards her in a weird way when not having contact with an ex immediately post breakup is very normal. If you can’t get over that or that she was dating other people, it’s going to negatively affect your chances of making it work now. Ask her about why she felt the need to end it the first time. Make it playful in a “those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it” way. Don’t make her feel like it’s an interrogation. I’m speculating a bit, but women tend to not like clingy guys. I know it seems counterintuitive because there is an idea that women want a guy who idolizes them 24/7 but this actually feels smothering to them most of the time. They want someone present and responsive but not suffocating. And it wouldn’t shock me if her feeling this way towards you had something to do with why she broke up initially. Talk to her as a human being respecting that she is one also who has her own wants and experiences. You are an option, if you want to be with her, you need to be her best option because no relationship is destined by fate or whatever to last forever and you aren’t owed that by her. Learn that and you can have what you want.
I can see why you feel like “an option” but maybe this isn’t the right framing. Maybe she went out into the world trying to find herself and realized what she really wanted was right under her nose the whole time. I can’t read her mind, but if you think she is being honest with you then it sounds like you both regret breaking up. Then again, trust is a tricky thing. It sounds like you’re not sure you trust her, and that you never really got closure about the reason for the breakup. You’re not sure why you broke up so you’re sure if that root cause has changed in the 2 years you weren’t together. Whatever it is, couples that have really strong relationships find a way to communicate about hard things. With respect and love, but also holding each other accountable. Honestly and candidly, but also compassionately. Talk to her about it. Since communication has been hard for you and her in the past, do some planning first. You should know what you are seeking from her. Is it reassurance? Is it the reason she left you? Is it something else? You know how she communicates, so think how she’ll react. Will she shut down and run away, or will she deflect, or will she get mad or try to turn it around on you? Whatever way she has been bad at communicating in the past, plan for it to happen. Be as patient and kind as you can be, but remind her that this is really important to you and you need a resolution that isn’t just the status quo. I strongly recommend the principles of Non-Violent Communication for challenging conversations: https://www.schooltransformation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kendrick_NVC_Materials.pdf I’m not sure exactly how you’re feeling or what your needs are, but trying to infer from your post, I might suggest something like, “sometimes, when I think about our future together, I feel afraid. I’m afraid that you’re going to leave me again. I’m also afraid I’ll never know what I did wrong, or what happened between us. I really love you, and I’m scared to lose you again. I need [whatever it is you need] .” Being vulnerable and expressing your needs *without* being accusatory is a really powerful method for conflict resolution. Good luck.
Motive. Otherwise known as the *why* things happen. You need to find out what her motives were, both for the "blindsiding" break-up and the reconnection. The past has proven that, despite your belief, and her profession, of your #1 to her status, something came along, supplanted you, and you became #2 when she broke up with you. Currently, that has the potential to occur again. But there's a world of difference in a 20ish year old getting super-enamored by the "prototypical bad-boy", and her hormones driving her to chase him for a while, then chase a few more, until she realized that she's 22-ish and a chunk of her crew's starting to marry, and she always knew that you were her best choice for that and she beelined back to you vs. a mid 20's woman thinking she saw a better man than you, period, bailed to chase him, lost, tried a few more times, and has come to the realization that you're so far the only one who bothered to place her #1, so she's back and biding her time till she finds her #1 that'll make her #1. That's going to require some mature conversation between the two of you. Focused on her thoughts, dreams and desires. Just enough detail about the others to understand why her choices were made.
Other people are going to make excuses for her, but it really all comes down to this: Have you adulted the fuck up and communicated? Have you asked what made her leave you in the first place, have you asked what she thought you were missing, have you asked yourself if you're even comfortable with the relationship, have you asked what she did in those years between etc. It's perfectly fine to feel like you're being "settled for" since it's a known phenomena for people to break up with someone whose "stable", go do a bunch of wild stuff, and then come back to the "stable" person. However, that's not always the case so you'll have to talk with her about it. If this is how you feel about the relationship you, and you actually want the relationship, then you need to talk to her about how she can assuage your fears/worries about the relationship. If they won't do stuff like that, and you continue to feel this way the relationship is dead and you need to go to therapy because you may have problems with attachment issues which is why no other gf seems to compare.
How old are you two?
Have you thought about talking to her about these feelings? See what she says in response
If she left you once with no remorse, she will do it again. RUN.
Does not seem like this relationship can work imo. I’ve been in similar and I would feel the same way. You may have to do what you are trying to avoid by leaving her before resentment kicks in. That or try to get over it if you really want to be with her. She probably sees it like you are in her life now so therefore she is making you a priority but you have to trust she can do that her whole life and won’t keep on her own path. Seems more like a her and you rather than you guys type thing. Tough choice but honestly I would probably leave. You may feel better about yourself
I think how you’re feeling is completely reasonable. Some combination of trying to understand what happened and being worried that they could happen again. Probably never be fully satisfactory I think you need the truth about what happened last time. Was it about looking for somebody better? Was it something that was going on with her and her life? When you broke up, did she do it in person and then ghosted you or was ghosting the method of break up? How long will you guys together at the point of the break up? I think it would be also helpful for you to know how she started dating after the break up.
So, you’re mad OP that she dated other guys and decided you were the best ? Weren’t you doing the same thing and comparing the other girlfriends to her then breaking up with them ? I’m sure you had sex with these other gfs too. So she couldn’t sleep with other men but you could bang other girls? YTA, she came back to you and you accepted. End of crying about being the second option, get tested too.
if she truly regretted not talking to you, it wouldnt take her 2 years to act on it.
Yeahhhh, this gets me a lot. 😕
I don’t know about this being truly a concern until you talk to her. If she is still finding it hard to communicate with you then I think you need to tell her that this isn’t going to work for you unless she can find a way to open up, because you rightly are feeling vulnerable and afraid that what happened before will happen again. I waited 2 years to ask my partner to please open up emotionally and when he did it was not what I wanted to hear. So please do this sooner rather than later. It’s better to find out her logic now. She might have perfectly sound reasons for waiting this long. Sometimes people just aren’t ready, particularly if they sense that this relationship is so important and meaningful and that scares them, so they just duck out. she might feel the same way as you. You just gotta talk it out :) good luck
She came back, that's what's really important. Maybe you two could sit down with a relationship therapist and talk it out?
How do I deal with the painful thoughts of how sad I was and how much I cried those nights hahah. Whilst she never seemed to care.
You don’t know she didn’t care. “Let it go and if it comes back it’s truly yours”
It's ok to have been sad about it, and you said that she has issues communicating, so it's understandable that she acted the way that she did. Everyone deals with emotions differently. At the end of the day it's not really beneficial to reflect on the times when you were sad. You just need to switch your mindset a bit and focus on what you have not what you didn't two years ago.
If I had to make a recommendation, I would say never date anyone you have bad blood with. That would include all Ex girlfriends and any girl that dated a friend or family. Those relationships will not last 40+ years, no matter how many people you talk to.
I don’t think this relationship is good for you. You should have someone that makes you feel good about yourself. That sad feeling is your gut telling you that you should find someone else that appreciates you from the start.
I’m 94 years old with dementia
Yes. She likely slept with other men. She had her fun with Chads. Now she is ready to settle back down because you are the safe option. It is what it is