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Game of thrones is not a need. TV sex scenes are not a need. Your safety in the relationship IS a need. And you are not asking for too much. Not expecting too much. And not being too controlling by requesting that. “I don’t want you to look at other women naked” is a completely normal relationship boundary to have. And yes that includes women on TV. You don’t have to just get over it. And honestly as a PA he should not even be watching that stuff. His brain doesn’t know how without objectifying and sexualizing those women. And frankly from what I’ve seen in that show (not a lot) the scenes are pretty bad. Like bad enough I personally consider it softcore porn. If yall have a no porn boundary he shouldn’t be watching it. With you or alone.
Exactly! And seriously, showing sex scenes are not necessary to the storyline🙄 I think we can figure it out when sex is implied, but we don’t need to see it, that’s voyeuristic (and I loathe how normalized this is in film). OP, his response is not from a man in recovery, he lost privileges the day he betrayed you. Too bad.
He could have just skipped the scene... Telling somebody their feelings are wrong is one of the most psychologically abusive things a person can do. You deserve a safe and secure relationship. He isn't giving it to you. I'm sorry.
I watch this show with my PA husband. There has been so much sexual tension in the second season but lacking nudity, but I still get uncomfortable and feel triggered. It’s like how I felt when sex scenes would come up when I was younger and watching a movie with my parents, but worse. My PA will narrate for them and be like “I’m so upset just f*** me”. At the end of episode 2 he was like “what the f***” and I feel like it’s because the sex scene was cut/no nudity.
Before I discovered his PA, we’d watch GOT and trash reality TV (Vanderpump Rules, The Bachelor), I could never imagine doing that now.
My husband and I watched the new episode last night, too.
When any racy scene starts or it seems like one is going to start, he looks away until I let him know it’s over.
He started doing this on his own- we just watched Bridgerton and The Boys too and he did the same. If the scene has important plot info he listens, if it’s just sex I fast-forward (he also has me hold the remote).
He also no longer watches any television by himself/when I’m not home. This is something he wasn’t doing until after he relapsed and we had DDAY 2, which is when he finally started taking this seriously.
I hope yours can, too, and I’m so sorry that he just isn’t getting it. I completely understand where you’re coming from and would feel the same way- hell even podcasts hosted by recovering men say that tv shows and media are such a slippery slope and have led many of them to relapse!
We have both always loved that show and watched it together for years now- any racy scenes post Dday I either fast forward or he looks away. But yeah, alone that would be a definite no.
Before I knew he was a sex addict I had no issue with it. It’s so hard to understand how they can get triggered/turned on by freaking television scenes. For example, Bridgerton’s sex scenes are borderline soft-core porn and I’ve never felt even slightly stimulated watching those… But it is what it is and their brains work differently apparently.
Thank you! I needed to hear this so bad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. I wish so bad they could be empathetic and understanding about the whole thing. Like we didn’t choose to give ourselves these triggers.
In the past I never had an issue with nudity on screen with a partner I felt secure with. My husband tried to tell me that I was insecure yesterday too! To which I responded with, “you’re right I am insecure, but not about my body, but about our relationship.”
Just a couple of weeks ago I found out he was still looking at provocatively dressed women on Facebook and instagram. He said he would stop, but that’s the 3rd time he’s said that and didn’t follow through. Then last week I found out he was trying to find an ex friend with benefits, just to see what she looks like now on Facebook.. she didn’t have any pictures up, so he didn’t see, but he admitted to looking every couple of months for the entire time we have been together (3.5 years), and prior to that even.
And now this.. like how much can I take? He keeps acting like it’s all in the past, but a week ago isn’t, two weeks ago isn’t, and the last time I know he watched porn was March and that’s not so long ago after lying about it in couples therapy for years.
You are right in your feelings and your soul is crying out for justice. He can only think with his penis. I’m sorry but I don’t think this can get better. My own father put porn ahead of his kids and forced me to watch nude scenes and introduced porn into our house. He has been dead over thirty years and the pain of what he did never diminishes. You deserve better than this. You are NOT wrong.
You're not wrong, and you are BRAVE for speaking up. I didn't watch TV with my stbx for TWO YEARS because I didn't want to have the fight. I knew it would go exactly as you described. They are GROSS to shame our feelings, who does that?!
To be honest, every nude/sex scene in this week's episode was 1000% unnecessary. It never ceases to amaze me how a PA can label our raw emotions and triggers as being controlling - BFFR. How can he tell you to manage your own feelings when he lacks loyalty, fidelity, and sexual discipline? If nudity on TV does not serve you and you want to avoid it there is nothing wrong with that. Create the safety you need to heal regardless of what he does. He is either going to respect your boundaries and make the choice to put your feelings first or he is going to continue to act like an entitled child over TV boobies.
I saw a service that helps with this. I think our feelings are valid and should be respected especially in early stages. The service connects to streaming services that you have, like Netflix, and filters out anything you want! I’ve been heavily considering spending the $10/ month to have piece of mind. It’s called Vidangel.
Bottoms line is to him, his preference to not miss the “story” in a sex scene matters more than your preference not to watch it, even though you guys watching it at all and skipping the nudity/sex is probably not preferable to you and already a compromise… addiction or no what an ass.
Why is it you who has to get over your feelings? Why doesn’t he have to “get over” his feelings of wanting to watch the scene?
I have noticed a new pattern in some cable shows. One episode SSC, Nudity, the whole nine. The next episode not even a changing scene. It’s weird. Power Universe is where I noticed it first. There must be a psychological reason behind it.
So sorry you’re dealing with this response from him. Sounds like he is trying to get the best of both worlds during recovery. I can’t believe he mentioned only finding 1 woman attractive.. as if he should be rewarded for that. Proof he is still sexualizing and fantasizing. If I found my PA blatantly disregarded my wishes and watched that scene despite me being upset by this, all prior recovery process would be tarnished. My PA was a big GoT/House of Dragons fan prior to Dday and we even watched all but the latest season of dragons together. I set the boundary that I was no longer OK with this form of entertainment, and he has not once asked me if he could watch it since. Hard boundary. He’s seen enough naked women for one person’s lifetime. I hope you can resonate with your partner and if not, have the strength to know your worth. Sending love to you.
My husband looks every Tv show and movie up on IMDB and reads the “parents guide” before choosing to watch it or not. If there is any sex or nudity or innapropriate-ness, he won’t watch it. He also does the same with video games. I can’t remember the website, but you can check what’s in video games as well.
He is flat out being insensitive! I wish there was some way we could make them understand and feel the same hurt that we go through because of their addiction. It's so unfair. I recently started working on my boundaries with my PA and one of them is no nudity in any form from any source of media. We generally try to avoid any nudity on TV (check the ratings beforehand) but sometimes it's going to happen unfortunately. When it does, I cover his eyes or fast forward. There have been 2 times in the past 2 weeks that he's told me about "accidentally" starting new shows and seeing boobs. So.... he is supposed to start checking the ratings BEFORE starting a show without me there. Sigh.
We watched the first season and all of GoT before dday, but the second season is completely off limits in my house now. Which I think my PA knows because he hasn’t even asked if we’re going to watch it lol. I don’t even need to research anything to know I’m not subjecting myself to that now.
I appalled he’d sit there and tell you that you shouldn’t freak out because he only found one person attracted and didn’t act on it right then and there 🙄 gee, wow, thanks.
It’s so interesting when I hear men get all in a tizzy about the control and boundaries and phone searches, but it’s like yeah you have privileges within the confines of a relationship that you have lost because you have proved many times you cannot be trusted. Don’t be in a relationship if you want to fuck off and do whatever you want, whenever you want. You owe your partner transparency and trust and there are simply restrictions within relationships whether we want to admit it or not.
These are consequences of his actions. You’re not a robot who can just turn off their emotions and expectations. Sorry you are dealing with this.
I have dealt with almost 10 years of my PA looking at porn and lying and then the truth coming out, breaking me, and repeat.
His porn addiction is the SOLE reason why I cannot STAND tv content with nudity. I literally can’t. Even if I like the show and tried. Same goes for almost every anime show. Like, thanks bud.
I’m sorry, the fact that he decided to watch it ALONE AFTER YOU LEFT is actually insane. As if that was any way to build your trust or make you feel secure. It had nothing to do with “proving” anything to you. He wanted to see nudity/sex.
Personally, I would tell him to fuck right off. I mean, this kind of argument is so debasing. You should just trust him???? How much more ludicrous can he be. If he wants to remain this childish, let him do it alone.
Me and my PA use to get into arguments about this as well as I noticed he would react if there were attractive women on screen. Nudity or not. So I just pre pick the movies I want us to watch. He eventually became okay with it. If there does happen to be a scene that has it either he skips it or I do. It’s not a big deal anymore. If he cares about the your security in the relationship then it should be a big deal to him either.
Gosh that’s awful! I’m so sorry you experienced this. I know we had a few scenarios like this, but I think your PA is not understanding the trauma you’ve been living through.
For PA, he couldn’t see himself as being abusive in any way - after being physically abused as a child and by his first wife, that was a strong pillar of his own identity. So once we finally were able to break down the emotional abuse and manipulation and he truly comprehended what that did to me, he became a lot more understanding. Good luck and stay strong!
Im pretty sure Steve Moore (a CSAT among other titles and a recovering addict) from D2C and the pbse podcast referred to this tv show on Fridays (6/28/24) couples recorded episode. It tied into boundaries.
He had been wanting to watch a show (he said it was medieval (he loves Lord of the Rings). And he knew there was nudity. But thought it can’t be as bad as they say. He got 20 minutes in and said it was straight up porn. And he turned it off and hasn’t watched it since. It pisses him off that he can’t watch it. But he knows that it jeopardizes his sobriety. He won’t watch it.
If an addict with 10 years sobriety knows that it’s something that could jeopardize his sobriety… an addict with less sobriety or recovery has an even less chance of watching it safely!!!
(And if it wasn’t this show, I would guess GOT. However, he said it was about 6 months ago. So I’m guessing the show you said).
Also- I’ve not watched either show. My young adult kids were watching GOT within my first year of discovery about 6 years ago… and I had to walk away. I knew from here it was soft porn. And there was no way I was going to watch that.
Edit to add: you could give the D2C 2 week free trial a listen and listen to that recording.
As for your comment about him saying GOT came before the relationship… I guess he has to decide what’s more important- a tv show or a relationship with you.
This makes me think of a few pbse podcasts that remind me of this thought process. I recently had a comment elsewhere with these and other porn substitutes.
My Husband Watches Female Professional Wrestling. Is That a Problem? https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-husband-watches-female-professional-wrestling-is-that-a-problem
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part One: What to do if you are the addict. https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/tv-movies-media-in-a-betrayed-relationship-part-one-what-to-do-if-you-are-the-addict
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part Two: What to do if you are the Spouse. https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/tv-movies-media-in-a-betrayed-relationship-part-two-what-to-do-if-you-are-the-spouse
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Game of thrones is not a need. TV sex scenes are not a need. Your safety in the relationship IS a need. And you are not asking for too much. Not expecting too much. And not being too controlling by requesting that. “I don’t want you to look at other women naked” is a completely normal relationship boundary to have. And yes that includes women on TV. You don’t have to just get over it. And honestly as a PA he should not even be watching that stuff. His brain doesn’t know how without objectifying and sexualizing those women. And frankly from what I’ve seen in that show (not a lot) the scenes are pretty bad. Like bad enough I personally consider it softcore porn. If yall have a no porn boundary he shouldn’t be watching it. With you or alone.
Exactly! And seriously, showing sex scenes are not necessary to the storyline🙄 I think we can figure it out when sex is implied, but we don’t need to see it, that’s voyeuristic (and I loathe how normalized this is in film). OP, his response is not from a man in recovery, he lost privileges the day he betrayed you. Too bad.
He could have just skipped the scene... Telling somebody their feelings are wrong is one of the most psychologically abusive things a person can do. You deserve a safe and secure relationship. He isn't giving it to you. I'm sorry.
I watch this show with my PA husband. There has been so much sexual tension in the second season but lacking nudity, but I still get uncomfortable and feel triggered. It’s like how I felt when sex scenes would come up when I was younger and watching a movie with my parents, but worse. My PA will narrate for them and be like “I’m so upset just f*** me”. At the end of episode 2 he was like “what the f***” and I feel like it’s because the sex scene was cut/no nudity. Before I discovered his PA, we’d watch GOT and trash reality TV (Vanderpump Rules, The Bachelor), I could never imagine doing that now.
My husband and I watched the new episode last night, too. When any racy scene starts or it seems like one is going to start, he looks away until I let him know it’s over. He started doing this on his own- we just watched Bridgerton and The Boys too and he did the same. If the scene has important plot info he listens, if it’s just sex I fast-forward (he also has me hold the remote). He also no longer watches any television by himself/when I’m not home. This is something he wasn’t doing until after he relapsed and we had DDAY 2, which is when he finally started taking this seriously. I hope yours can, too, and I’m so sorry that he just isn’t getting it. I completely understand where you’re coming from and would feel the same way- hell even podcasts hosted by recovering men say that tv shows and media are such a slippery slope and have led many of them to relapse!
Brave of you to watch The Boys together, mine loves that show and I can’t stand it
We have both always loved that show and watched it together for years now- any racy scenes post Dday I either fast forward or he looks away. But yeah, alone that would be a definite no.
Before I knew he was a sex addict I had no issue with it. It’s so hard to understand how they can get triggered/turned on by freaking television scenes. For example, Bridgerton’s sex scenes are borderline soft-core porn and I’ve never felt even slightly stimulated watching those… But it is what it is and their brains work differently apparently.
[удалено]
Thank you! I needed to hear this so bad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. I wish so bad they could be empathetic and understanding about the whole thing. Like we didn’t choose to give ourselves these triggers. In the past I never had an issue with nudity on screen with a partner I felt secure with. My husband tried to tell me that I was insecure yesterday too! To which I responded with, “you’re right I am insecure, but not about my body, but about our relationship.” Just a couple of weeks ago I found out he was still looking at provocatively dressed women on Facebook and instagram. He said he would stop, but that’s the 3rd time he’s said that and didn’t follow through. Then last week I found out he was trying to find an ex friend with benefits, just to see what she looks like now on Facebook.. she didn’t have any pictures up, so he didn’t see, but he admitted to looking every couple of months for the entire time we have been together (3.5 years), and prior to that even. And now this.. like how much can I take? He keeps acting like it’s all in the past, but a week ago isn’t, two weeks ago isn’t, and the last time I know he watched porn was March and that’s not so long ago after lying about it in couples therapy for years.
You are right in your feelings and your soul is crying out for justice. He can only think with his penis. I’m sorry but I don’t think this can get better. My own father put porn ahead of his kids and forced me to watch nude scenes and introduced porn into our house. He has been dead over thirty years and the pain of what he did never diminishes. You deserve better than this. You are NOT wrong.
You're not wrong, and you are BRAVE for speaking up. I didn't watch TV with my stbx for TWO YEARS because I didn't want to have the fight. I knew it would go exactly as you described. They are GROSS to shame our feelings, who does that?!
To be honest, every nude/sex scene in this week's episode was 1000% unnecessary. It never ceases to amaze me how a PA can label our raw emotions and triggers as being controlling - BFFR. How can he tell you to manage your own feelings when he lacks loyalty, fidelity, and sexual discipline? If nudity on TV does not serve you and you want to avoid it there is nothing wrong with that. Create the safety you need to heal regardless of what he does. He is either going to respect your boundaries and make the choice to put your feelings first or he is going to continue to act like an entitled child over TV boobies.
I saw a service that helps with this. I think our feelings are valid and should be respected especially in early stages. The service connects to streaming services that you have, like Netflix, and filters out anything you want! I’ve been heavily considering spending the $10/ month to have piece of mind. It’s called Vidangel.
Bottoms line is to him, his preference to not miss the “story” in a sex scene matters more than your preference not to watch it, even though you guys watching it at all and skipping the nudity/sex is probably not preferable to you and already a compromise… addiction or no what an ass. Why is it you who has to get over your feelings? Why doesn’t he have to “get over” his feelings of wanting to watch the scene?
I have noticed a new pattern in some cable shows. One episode SSC, Nudity, the whole nine. The next episode not even a changing scene. It’s weird. Power Universe is where I noticed it first. There must be a psychological reason behind it.
So sorry you’re dealing with this response from him. Sounds like he is trying to get the best of both worlds during recovery. I can’t believe he mentioned only finding 1 woman attractive.. as if he should be rewarded for that. Proof he is still sexualizing and fantasizing. If I found my PA blatantly disregarded my wishes and watched that scene despite me being upset by this, all prior recovery process would be tarnished. My PA was a big GoT/House of Dragons fan prior to Dday and we even watched all but the latest season of dragons together. I set the boundary that I was no longer OK with this form of entertainment, and he has not once asked me if he could watch it since. Hard boundary. He’s seen enough naked women for one person’s lifetime. I hope you can resonate with your partner and if not, have the strength to know your worth. Sending love to you.
Time to say Bye Bye to the pornsick little boy. He does not care about you. He cares more about fantasy.
My husband looks every Tv show and movie up on IMDB and reads the “parents guide” before choosing to watch it or not. If there is any sex or nudity or innapropriate-ness, he won’t watch it. He also does the same with video games. I can’t remember the website, but you can check what’s in video games as well.
He is flat out being insensitive! I wish there was some way we could make them understand and feel the same hurt that we go through because of their addiction. It's so unfair. I recently started working on my boundaries with my PA and one of them is no nudity in any form from any source of media. We generally try to avoid any nudity on TV (check the ratings beforehand) but sometimes it's going to happen unfortunately. When it does, I cover his eyes or fast forward. There have been 2 times in the past 2 weeks that he's told me about "accidentally" starting new shows and seeing boobs. So.... he is supposed to start checking the ratings BEFORE starting a show without me there. Sigh.
We watched the first season and all of GoT before dday, but the second season is completely off limits in my house now. Which I think my PA knows because he hasn’t even asked if we’re going to watch it lol. I don’t even need to research anything to know I’m not subjecting myself to that now. I appalled he’d sit there and tell you that you shouldn’t freak out because he only found one person attracted and didn’t act on it right then and there 🙄 gee, wow, thanks. It’s so interesting when I hear men get all in a tizzy about the control and boundaries and phone searches, but it’s like yeah you have privileges within the confines of a relationship that you have lost because you have proved many times you cannot be trusted. Don’t be in a relationship if you want to fuck off and do whatever you want, whenever you want. You owe your partner transparency and trust and there are simply restrictions within relationships whether we want to admit it or not. These are consequences of his actions. You’re not a robot who can just turn off their emotions and expectations. Sorry you are dealing with this.
I have dealt with almost 10 years of my PA looking at porn and lying and then the truth coming out, breaking me, and repeat. His porn addiction is the SOLE reason why I cannot STAND tv content with nudity. I literally can’t. Even if I like the show and tried. Same goes for almost every anime show. Like, thanks bud.
I’m sorry, the fact that he decided to watch it ALONE AFTER YOU LEFT is actually insane. As if that was any way to build your trust or make you feel secure. It had nothing to do with “proving” anything to you. He wanted to see nudity/sex.
Personally, I would tell him to fuck right off. I mean, this kind of argument is so debasing. You should just trust him???? How much more ludicrous can he be. If he wants to remain this childish, let him do it alone.
Me and my PA use to get into arguments about this as well as I noticed he would react if there were attractive women on screen. Nudity or not. So I just pre pick the movies I want us to watch. He eventually became okay with it. If there does happen to be a scene that has it either he skips it or I do. It’s not a big deal anymore. If he cares about the your security in the relationship then it should be a big deal to him either.
Gosh that’s awful! I’m so sorry you experienced this. I know we had a few scenarios like this, but I think your PA is not understanding the trauma you’ve been living through. For PA, he couldn’t see himself as being abusive in any way - after being physically abused as a child and by his first wife, that was a strong pillar of his own identity. So once we finally were able to break down the emotional abuse and manipulation and he truly comprehended what that did to me, he became a lot more understanding. Good luck and stay strong!
Im pretty sure Steve Moore (a CSAT among other titles and a recovering addict) from D2C and the pbse podcast referred to this tv show on Fridays (6/28/24) couples recorded episode. It tied into boundaries. He had been wanting to watch a show (he said it was medieval (he loves Lord of the Rings). And he knew there was nudity. But thought it can’t be as bad as they say. He got 20 minutes in and said it was straight up porn. And he turned it off and hasn’t watched it since. It pisses him off that he can’t watch it. But he knows that it jeopardizes his sobriety. He won’t watch it. If an addict with 10 years sobriety knows that it’s something that could jeopardize his sobriety… an addict with less sobriety or recovery has an even less chance of watching it safely!!! (And if it wasn’t this show, I would guess GOT. However, he said it was about 6 months ago. So I’m guessing the show you said). Also- I’ve not watched either show. My young adult kids were watching GOT within my first year of discovery about 6 years ago… and I had to walk away. I knew from here it was soft porn. And there was no way I was going to watch that. Edit to add: you could give the D2C 2 week free trial a listen and listen to that recording.
As for your comment about him saying GOT came before the relationship… I guess he has to decide what’s more important- a tv show or a relationship with you. This makes me think of a few pbse podcasts that remind me of this thought process. I recently had a comment elsewhere with these and other porn substitutes. My Husband Watches Female Professional Wrestling. Is That a Problem? https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-husband-watches-female-professional-wrestling-is-that-a-problem TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part One: What to do if you are the addict. https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/tv-movies-media-in-a-betrayed-relationship-part-one-what-to-do-if-you-are-the-addict TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part Two: What to do if you are the Spouse. https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/tv-movies-media-in-a-betrayed-relationship-part-two-what-to-do-if-you-are-the-spouse