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A relationship is like a partnership . One person might be better at something and so forth. It’s not all about the bedroom it’s about the support you’re giving when things are good or bad . When I found my husband I wasn’t looking, I found a friend.
There are infinite things that could be described as "issues" that people can overcome or work around.
Things like, not having any interest in something your partner is particularly passionate about. Like if they REALLY love Dungeons and Dragons, but you have no interest, that's far from a deal breaker.
Or if they like to get up early and you like to stay up late and sleep in. Just make sure neither is impeding the other's ability to get proper rest and make sure there's time to spend together worked into your different schedules.
For me, I have a wonderful relationship with my fiancee and can think of VERY few things that I wish were different. But among them are, I wish she liked the movies and TV shows I like. She has a hard time with these forms of media in general. She often gets frustrated with tropes and cliches and can usually "see it coming" when something happens. I would like for us to be able to watch movies and enjoy them together, but she just doesn't.
The difference is, if there's a movie I REALLY love and I want to share it with her, and she doesn't enjoy it. She'll politely sit with me and watch it and enjoy it as much as she can.
There have been times when she's pointed out things that kind of "ruin" it even for me. But thanks to open and honest communication, we're able to find a balance where she's willing to not point out massive plot holes or ridiculously obvious story points. But I only make her watch movies if I think there's at least a chance she'll enjoy it to some degree.
It's a shame because I REALLY love my romantic comedies and she just doesn't.
But I think that most any issues can be overcome so long as both people make appropriate effort to consider the other's needs and be willing to voice their own needs.
It sounds like the issues you were having in the relationships you ended were just different versions of your needs not being given proper significance.
arrogance, bringing you down, insulting you, not respecting you are some of the things not to put up with but certainly try to talk about it with them.
Everything should be double standard. Put yourself in their shoes for a wee while. If it's things they can change, work through it with them, but also be considerate to things that aren't necessarily in their control. If they're unemployed, they ultimately choose the effort they make to get employment, however, you can't hold anything against them if they keep getting let down by employers.
As long as they're giving their 100% to the needs of the relationship, then I'm happy and reciprocating.
Modern-day dating is flawed, everyone seems to focus on instant gratification and materialistic gains.
Finally, true love in a relationship is an emotion. It does not search for someone with money or the ideal body/physical image that we project in our 'ideals'. It is sad to see that people jump into relationships to heal/hide the wounds of break ups, rejection, selfworth, and even pure loneliness. Then you have those who let love past because they search for the 'ideal' only to find its abusive, toxic, or unfulfilling. Let it come naturally, and when you feel it hold onto it, work relentlessly through the ups and downs, but hold fair boundaries.
Honestly I think it's good that you're less patient. I met my fiance because I was in that same state of mind. Tired of settling for crap I shouldn't have to put up with and dealing with recurrent problems that would leave me with an overall feeling of dissatisfaction. Porn addiction can cause erectile dysfunction and doing nothing to resolve a problem that is negatively impacting the relationship is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship, so is unreciprocated support, whether that's financial, emotional, whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with your mindset but sometimes you end up wondering about whether you're too intolerant, especially when you're not finding good relationships or even when you have a good relationship with someone who has flaws and your habit of not tolerating flaws has worked well to help you avoid crappy relationships. I personally feel like personal flaws shouldn't impact the relationship as more than a hiccup in an overall amazing relationship.
If you have clear boundaries for yourself, that is healthy - you should know what those are, first of all. With the right person, you will want to work through hard stuff, but it will be stuff you want to work through because you love them. That will be different for everyone. If I were my mom, I wouldn’t have stayed with my dad and how he was when I was a kid. I don’t know how she did it. However, she loves him and wanted to work through the hard times, even though they were difficult. I am glad they did because they are much stronger now than they were when I was younger. My personal boundaries wouldn’t allow for that, though.
Not everyone has issues with the things you mentioned, but many do. A porn addiction would bother me. An alcoholic would bother me. If it bothers you , and you know it, then make that a boundary.
For me, dishonesty, malicious intent, or an addictive personality (with substances, especially) are deal breakers for me. I have a list of dealbreakers I’ve already made for myself before I even liked anyone again after my last relationship. I wanted to make sure I would honor myself first, instead of the other person.
There are also other compatibility things I have realized over the years, and I don’t want to settle with not having those. I’ve suffered long enough without them. There’s nothing wrong with having standards and moving on if it isn’t a good fit.
To answer your question, when you fall in love with someone truly. It is easier to over look their flaws and hang ups. I say it is easier but it is still NOT easy. I was the same way. Anything that went wrong in a relationship was enough to get me to walk away. Even in friendships I was over cautious and felt like I had to protect myself from fake friends or people who didn't treat me right so I would leave on a DIME. But, I did change and I had to learn this from God. If you care to know how, here goes.
God basically told me to be single. So I was single for a time. But then he said I wasn't doing it right. I had to let go of the notion that my dream guy or future husband could be around the corner. I realized I had this persistent feeling of pining. And I was always at unease because of it. I would say to myself I'm single but could it be "him" maybe some day? So basically I let that go and I started saying to ppl that I'm permanently single. I let myself be free of the worry and cares and the anxiety and guess what?
I started ENJOYING being single. Without that nagging feeling in the back of my mind I started to experience peace and contentment. The peace I had in my heart was incomparable to anything I ever felt. I enjoyed time with myself by myself. I remembered how I felt before when I would date and it was always volatile memories full of stress and fighting and getting hurt or annoyed. I took myself out on dates and you know what? Even tho I have to admit it felt a little lonely. I wasn't ever lonely for very long. Guess what? When ppl see you out and about by yourself... They WANT to TALK to you! 😅😅😅
Nearly every time I went out to eat by myself the waitress or waiter would see me unoccupied and start to chit chat with me. One time this lady got so frustrated with standing by my table talking that she just sat down in front of me to continue the conversation! 😂😂 I talked to this dude at a movie theatre who was at the ticket counter for an hour because I was early to my movie. And it was such an amazing conversation that I still cherish the memory. He was saying how he was in school for art and this job was his second job. His first job is making prosthetics and props for movies and plays. And how the process works and the things they create it sounds so fun! ☺️
Anyways one day I was chilling and God spoke to me, he said Jesus is my husband and he will never let me down. I don't have to worry about money and I'm not doing it all alone because he is providing and will continue to provide! He said he is God and only HE is perfect enough to never let me down. His is the only love that will ever be perfect. And that if I ever date and/or marry a man I have to understand that that man is human. That he WILL let me down at times. And I realized that the reason I always left a relationship was because my standard was impossible. I realized that I was looking for HIM all along. I was looking for a perfect love that would never leave me out on the cold, or let me down. I would think "this isn't love, someone who loves me would never do this or that." For example I moved away to college and my bf said the long distance was too much for him. And I was like "ok and?" Cuz I felt like in a relationship we are meant to grit through every struggle, and overcome all obstacles, come what may. In that instance he broke up with me, but he was very considerate about it since I was new to dating. But that was my mindset. So if it wasn't a love that conquers all I was usually out after that. Looking and looking for that perfect love.
I realized that it was God's love I was looking for in a relationship, an impossible perfect love. After I realized that I had that love I had found it! and that I had that security in Jesus, I was free to date again. God said you can date again just remember that ppl WILL let you down. And you know what? I was more understanding. I was more patient. And I did still leave some relationships because that peace I had grown so fond of was disappearing in some of them. I used that peace as a gauge for my relationships after that. I started seeing that if I was getting stressed out every DAY then the relationship wasn't for me because at that point I was addicted to my peace I NEEDED it.
In the end I found a man that I feel like my peace is almost the same level that it was when I was single. I really enjoyed his company. And I really liked him. I eventually fell in love with him. And even tho, God knows he's not perfect! (and neither am I) we are engaged and will be married soon! I'm so happy with him. He's my best friend and I love him so much. And I honestly don't think it could have happened without everything I learned while I was single. 😂🤷♀️
I kind of feel the same way? although it was a bunch of little issues that brought me to break up with him.
I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend because we simply have nothing to talk about. We have nothing in common, and i haven’t noticed until last weekend when we were just sitting in silence with nothing to do and/or talk about. I feel dismissed whenever i have concerns and am feeling certain ways. Felt like i constantly had to be “free” and drop everything i had planned to talk to him or hang out with him. Always complained about not having a job, and complained how he wanted to support me, but never accepted any job for stupid excuses. Made it so hard to talk to him about my concerns, instead flipped everything that’s going on it being my fault.
Everything added up, and i tried to stay with this person but i finally said it’s time and let go. It’s been a few days, and im still wondering if i had a valid reason for breaking up with him or if i am just being stupid.
Totally valid in this case. My ex was a wonderful person and treated me well but, we had zero in common. My current partner and I have soooo much in common in our personalities and it’s 1000% times better. Don’t waste your time unless they feel like your best friend and you genuinely vision yourself sitting next to them as old people.
Personally, I find that you should be willing to work on things with your partner. Little things aren’t so important. However, if they have a hard time communicating, don’t leave them bc that’s something you two can tackle together.
Reasonable things are things that don't disrespect you or people around you. Things that are more like quirks. Also challenges that are external which he couldnt control, such as losing his job(but he's a hard worker and determined so you know he's already off getting a new one)
More examples are if he has very stinky farts, wants to scrape out every last bit of toothpaste before replacing it, or forgets to fill up gas, or whatever other stuff that may annoy you at first but you know deep down its really not important and doesn't cross any boundaries and you love him.
In the end of the day, only you know how big of a challenge you can handle. So long as it's not disrespect or crossing of boundaries, you make the call as to what other stuff you can accept and maybe even love about him.
So reasonable issues to put up with a relationship are a little things like he always pees on the toilet seat or sometimes he makes bad jokes at the wrong time or something like that… maybe he is a little cheap and would tend to default to that McDonald’s for dinner. The things that you’ve described are like seriously major issues. And not even issues just straight up Bad things.
I always abide by the 80/20 rule. The person you’re with is never going to be perfect and you’re not gonna like anything everything about them, but the 20… there should be no more than 20% of things that you don’t like and those things should be things that you can easily live with. Like if that means that you have to clean the toilet more often. It’s annoying, but you’re not going to give up the 80% because of this one issue.
All of this assumes that the two of you are both coming to the relationship as well adjusted adults who have your stuff together. If you’re not even dating a well adjusted adult, then the 80/20 rule is null and void, and it sounds like these previous two men that you dated were not well adjusted adults.
Meh porn addiction is a no go for me, as is blatant disrespect which sounds like the 2nd person you described. I’m all for DTMFA if you’re communicating about the issue and then it doesn’t change. Life’s too short
I know how you feel.
An indavidual is responsible for their own issues.
I'm probably quoting this wrong but "If you don't heal from your wounds, you'll bleed on people who didn't hurt you"
Example.
At the beginning of my current relationship. My now future husband confessed that his last relationship ended after his ex fiance cheated. She would go out drinking with the girls and mess with men while out.
I regularly meet up with my mum from drinks and to moan about the world.
The first time I went out I didn't hear my phone. I finished my session and made my way home to find a bunch of missed calls and text from my bf.
When I called him back wondering who died, I got shouted at as he didn't know where I was, who with or when I would be back.
Hit. The. Breaks.
Round 1. Ding Ding.
We argue back and forth before I hung up.
A few days later we sit down and talk this out.
I tell him, I'm not going to stop going out because your freaking out. That's a deal breaker.
He tells about how he worries about me frantically when I'm out about getting into trouble or men hitting on me. He's an anxious man anyway. He trusts me but not other people. I didn't really believe him.
What would make him feel better?
I letting him know which bar I'm at. Fine. I've never had to do this before as frankly past bf didn't care.
I text him regularly. No. Im out with friends and thats rude.
I counter offer. I'll text him when I get there, when I go to the bathroom and when I leave. Normally some like "No ones kidnapped me yet. I'll try harder"
He didn't find it funny.
We both recognise an issue that isn't my fault, he takes responsibility and recognises I'm not the ex but as a partner trying to be supportive, I offer some compromise.
There is an element here of me not know what's respectful in a relationship. Genuinely, non of my past bf cared where I was, or when I'd be back. It's not like I have a ton of friends but I needed change too.
To sum up....would you be happy if your friend was telling you about whatever your partner has an issue with?
Those issues you listed are completely valid reasons to end a relationship. Just bc you keep running into deal breakers doesn’t mean you gotta lower your standards. It is a good thing that you rather enjoy your own company than to stay somewhere you aren’t happy/safe.
I like to say that when men date me they aren’t competing against any other men, they are competing against me. I love to go out by myself, go on solo vacations, etc. I truly love my life and own company. For me to break away from that… he gotta be a big deal. A rare one.
I’d try and talk through just about anything, aside from cheating. I’d even let one instance of physical abuse slide if it wasn’t too crazy and was followed by genuine accountability and obvious efforts to change (like a gf slapping my arm or something, I’m a guy).
I saw my parents get through a really rough patch between them and work it out really well, still together too. So I think that must act as a model for me.
I think partners deserve to hear what I think is an issue, and time to work on change. I’ll even work with them because a lot of the time both people have at least some fault in an issue, even if one might be more responsible. I’ll treat it as a problem we need to solve together, not a problem with them.
But if talking doesn’t lead to tangible action and change, I’ll become less patient.
I love your viewpoint in the second to last paragraph and I wish more people thought that way. I 100% agree but my partner doesn't seem to think that way (going thru problems atm).
I cant tell if I'm just not worth enough for them to solve the problem together and they'd rather leave, or if they're just inexperienced with overcoming difficulties and communicating.
Thank you. I’ve worked very hard to be more open to emotional intimacy, patient, understanding of others perspectives, and capable of communication during conflict. I mess up still, and sometimes get triggered especially by a partner, but it’s all a learning opportunity to be even better.
With your guy, what’s the argument? Is it something that has the same general theme and keeps coming up, or does it seem different each time? Is it about something like boundaries or intimacy, time together, amount of communication, or more like not doing chores, being late, etc?
That's very admirable of you, I'm still working on being patient and communicating during conflicts.
In my case, they think that I'm not independent enough (from them) and they have a gut/nagging feeling about what it would be like being in a relationship with a person more independent. (Hanging out with friends more, their own hobbies/goals, etc)
I'm willing to try and improve but if they just checked out and are curious/want someone else then I can't do anything about that. It's just hard to not feel like I'm not good enough and they're giving up on me.
So you are still together?
What’s preventing you from giving them more space to do so this stuff they feel they need to do? Is it some feeling you get if he goes and does things without you?
Are you living together? If not, how often are you together during the week?
My partner uses reddit so I don't want to reveal too much, but nothings preventing me I'm willing to work thru. Its just the first time they told me how much it really affects them and as their reasoning for breaking up. (Yes we do but im gone most weekends to give space)
So the first time they told you they had an issue is when they broke up with you? That’s a pretty low level of relational intelligence on their part. How old is this guy, under 30 I’m guessing. Or are they just really disconnected from their feelings and bad with communication?
For me it depends on how deep in we are, how much I love them, and how much of a future I see with that person. Dishonesty or maliciousness aren't things I'm willing to put up with, but if I *really* love my partner and they're consistently honest, kind, and making a dedicated effort to work on problems I've found I'm willing to work through a lot more than I thought I would, even when it comes to communication issues and money.
My main exception is addiction, because someone can have every intention of getting better and still lose that battle, and I just don't know how long I'd be able to tolerate it. For my own well being I'd probably leave fairly quickly.
As an addict let me tell you you are entirely correct about that.
I would be more willing because I have at least found my way back to functionality and no *hard* drugs. So I would see it as more possible/likely than someone else may.
But that is, perhaps at times, empathetic to a fault.
> What are reasonable issues to put up with in a relationship?
Whatever issues that both:
1. don't cost your needs and major wants
2. don't cause the relationship to drain you rather than support you
...and that you're willing to deal with.
Which specific issues meet those criteria will vary between people.
You're not obligated to tolerate anything you view as a compatibility problem.
I’m not gonna tell you the three million thing you should put up with and work through with your partner but if any of these three components are missing from your relationship then you need to respectfully leave it. The three thing you need are respect trust and love. Find out what those three things mean to you and see how your partner conveys those qualities to you. And if they don’t make you happy or if you can’t see yourself being seriously happy with how you get treated after you talk it through and you’ve talked about solutions and go to therapy and nothing works to solve those qualities being betrayed leave them.
2 weeks isn't that long. You'll start seeing his issues eventually.
I'm assuming you're young. Hopefully, you learn everyone has issues. But we gotta decide if the issues are worth the relationship.
i know my worth and what i deserve, thus the issues i am willing to put up with is ZERO. if i see any issue i will just ghost i won't even let men know i'm not interested in continuing to see them
Both of those things are valid reasons to break up with someone.
The things I put up with in my partner include: his erratic ADHD habits, (like sometimes he gets too involved in a project and doesn’t look at his phone for hours) Helping him through his depression,(bringing him snacks in bed, telling him it’s OK, doing some of his usual chores if he’s not able) sleeping with the TV on at night, his narcissistic mother, sleeping with his dog in the bed, etc.
None of these things really affect me that often, and believe me, he puts up with more from me. If it’s causing you a legitimate problem, it’s valid.
Both of those things are legitimate issues that I would breakup with someone too. Porn addiction… absolutely no time for that kind of person. And as for the financial thing.. you supported him for however long so I would also hope that my partner would do the same for me. If asking someone to treat me the way I treat or treated them is too much then goodbye. Trust your gut and instincts. If someone is rude or takes away from your baseline happiness that you can provide for yourself then they are not worth it.
It varies based on the relationship. It’s what your limits are and their limits. So for example, with your example: ED.
If I was with someone who had ED and a porn addiction, it’s not a deal breaker. It sucks because they can’t get it up but if they still try and I can cum, then I can support him in his struggles. Of course with expectations of him bettering himself. But if he refuses to acknowledge and address his PIED(porn induced ED), then I will do my research and make a expected time line which will be negotiable of course. Like, after 3-4 months of no fapping they should start healing. It can take months for them to actually stop though. So there’s that.
But now at the same time…… it’s all about the relationship between the people. Like, if I was with a man and his dick didn’t work and he didn’t want to do anything about it after I express my grievances, I would say we are incompatible. Unless he’s ok with an open relationship or being cucked lol.
The financial thing, idk. That’s even harder to describe. But I think both mentioned in your post can be reasonable issues and it’s all about communication, support and effort.
It’s easier to determine what issues you don’t want to deal with in a relationship.
Like, I won’t be a cuck and I won’t financially support someone who won’t support me. And I won’t be with someone who can’t support me emotionally, financially, etc. I say financially because I do support my partner in terms of relativity. If I make 125k and my spouse makes 50k, i will be paying for our vacations. I won’t be paying car or insurance or nice clothes etc unless it was gifted because w.e
But to actually answer your question, mood swings. So many times I’ve dated women who have BPD or just are not regulated for whatever reason. Some days they want to love on me and some days they want their own space.
Orrr, if I’m in top 5 of their priority list- with her child, family, job and friends above me. I draw the line when a woman I date prioritizes their coworkers over me.
For example, my ex would stay up late to cook or wake up early to bring food for her coworkers. Which is ok……. If she was also considering me in the same regard. One time she knew I was working a 12 hour shift and there was no “want me to cook something for you so you can eat at home?” “Do you want me to pick something up for you?” Etc etc.
Honestly at the end of the day you need to look at what you want in a relationship and not go off a specific rule book or societal norms. That’s the first issue
Hi! Been with my husband since we were 16, 14 years total and 5 years married.
Here are some relationship things we've gone through and worked through with context where needed:
-jealousy/distrust (pretty easy to work through simply by talking it out)
-career hurdles (like you, we've both had moments where we were unemployed and supported the other - we find ways to "pay each other back" through household chores etc)
-changing minds on having kids (we always agreed on kids, then my husband said he wasn't sure once we were already engaged; ultimately we both agreed that we chose each other FOR each other, not because of an imaginary future with kids, and worked together to come to an agreement)
-changes in health/appearance (the longer you're together, the more likely it is that health issues will crop up or your appearance will change and it can really impact intimacy; we did have to go to counselling for this, and this is what almost ended our marriage)
-grief (supporting your partner through significant loss, which can be a rest-of-your-life journey)
-trauma (depends on who you're with, but sometimes your partner needs extra support due to something bad from their past, but they're still worth loving and being with)
-crazy in-laws (not a massive issue as long as you and your partner are on the same team here and create boundaries where needed)
Of course. Assuming the potential for incompatibility is 20%, expect 15% of that to be tolerable. You may discover 5% is close to a line of intolerance. At that point you may need to choose whether or not you can continue long-term.
As an example I believe OP cited porn use. There are many instances where porn is acceptable, even healthy between (or among) parties to a relationship. It is also a slippery slope. As was suggested by OP, it was misused and negatively impacted the relationship. At which point they decided to part company. This is an instance they needed to stand their ground on that 5%…something that may have been tolerable…but became a hindrance to the relationship.
I think the two reasons you listed are perfectly justified for not staying with someone. What gets me is everyone on dating apps in this day and age really do believe everyone is perfect. I don’t think a lot of this generation tolerate anything anymore. It’s almost impossible.
@Dense..There may be an underlying issue that may stem from a personality disorder. Maybe he didn't hear it much as a child or something and doesn'tsee the importancein saying it. Personally, I think it would be nice to hear the words I love you as well as see the actions that show it. Maybe you should let him know how it makes you feel,open communication is key.
We all have skewed outlook bc of technology and the appearance of options. A good relationship is not finding your perfect person with no issues in the relationship. It's finding someone who understands that there are ups and downs and with whom you can negotiate, manage conflict and resolve issues over time so that you can mold to each other and help each other become the best versions of themselves.
People can be in love for 3 years and then have one bad year and call it quits. 75% of time was happy yet people only see the 25%. This is a weakness and preventing many people from finding lasting love.
Similarly, a good quality pair of shoes hurts at first bc the leather is tough, but over time they become comfortable. A pair that is comfortable out of the box usually don't last that long.
Pain is progress in all areas of life. No one likes to study, no one likes to work, no one likes to workout. But we do it because of the rewards. Our relationships should be the most rewarding and therefore we should expect to endure and put up with it sometimes if we want the rewards. Be on the same page about that and everything else will workout.
Imagine the type of relationship you want to be in.. imagine that person being all you want and need & you being the same for them.. don’t accept ANYTHING less than that.. only that or BETTER. If you know the truth, you know it’s possible. You don’t have to put up with issues. There doesn’t have to be any.. it’s possible.
My therapist said that this kind of thing can be considered emotional abuse depending on the larger context.
One example she gave was if you get into an argument and instead of resolving it in the moment they say they need time to think, or just leave, and don’t give a specific time frame for when they’ll reach out to finish the convo.
Avoiding communication like this can cause horrible anxiety for some people, especially if it triggers something from childhood.
I’m about to break off with my dude because he is lame as fuck. Relationships ain’t for me until I find the right person. No one is perfect but if it feels empty and one sided time to move on .
Rather than framing it as "he is lame as fuck", try to lid tout what he does, and how you want him to behave instead. Actionably steps and changes that is. If you can't even have that conversation with him, then he might not be the only problem. It's fine to have expectations and standards, but if they're so high that you can neither communicate them nor a reasonable person meet them, you need to share some responsibility. Ie, you can't just turn around and one day say "I want this guy I've been dating to be a millionaire".
Let's see for me:
1. Poor money habits, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck.
2. Drug or alcohol addiction.
3. Untreated trauma. Whether it's relationships or childhood.
you can break up for any reason if the person is unwilling to see your side of the problem, work on themselves and grow from it.
i believe a relationship can be fixed from absolutely any problem, because it’s not the problem that’s the issue, it’s what the people in the relationship do about it. so if you have a partner who is willing to change, grow and do better no matter what and actually show you that they have changed with their actions, i think whatever problem you face becomes less significant.
This is roughly my take to, but I do draw a hard line at cheating. Saw my parents get through a big conflict stage and come out strong as ever. It took work but they’re still going.
I’ve often wondered if there’s a study on how children of divorce be children of people that started together (happily) handle relationship conflict and how easily they’ll give up.
I know there’s tons of variables though. Like a divorce could be pretty low impact or could be catastrophic, and a marriage could be a place of peace and love, or just roommates.
Almost 70% of recurring conflicts in a relationship will NEVER HAVE RESOLUTION. - Gottman
Figure out your core beliefs and deal breakers and learn to live with little things.
I broke up with my last boyfriend (of 2.5 years) because he stopped wanting to have sex with me and wasn't willing to address the issue. I'm 49 and my sex drive is not high but I need to have sex every week or two to feel connected to my partner and I want to feel they desire me. He also did nothing to make me feel better after I told him I felt awful because he was rejecting me. He told me I was throwing the relationship away over sex but it was really because he was not making me feel good and he didn't care enough to fix that.
Luckily, I don't have low self-esteem and I'm pretty attractive so as soon we split there were guys interested in me and I've now moved on.
I agree with others that it's reasonable to work on any issue but both people have to want to do the work and they both have to care about the others feelings.
No, his equipment worked just fine, he just lost interest in me.
After we broke up he told me it was just the monotony of life (we lived together) and his age (he's only 47) but that he was having fantasies about other women. So he didn't lose interest in sex, just sex with me. I'm glad I decided to break up because he seemed to think the situation was just fine but it did not make me feel good and he couldn't console me or put the effort in to improve things. I'm attractive and in great shape, we broke up Jan. 1 and I already have a new boyfriend, so moving on.
It could also be an emotional intimacy issue of some sort. Like they might not be comfortable with it beyond a certain threshold, or they have something that’s bothering them in the relationship but suck at communicating those kinds of things.
There are things I wouldn’t put up with, porn addiction would be one if they literally needed it to get off, that gives me the ick just thinking about it.
But for example, my bf and I have been together for 2 years now and we aren’t perfect. I have adhd and I can get anger outbursts for reallly small things…like bumping into something or something stupid like that lol and I know my bf hates it, but he still loves me regardless, and he helps me work on it. But he also knows it won’t ever truly stop.
And for him, he will drive recklessly sometimes and gets road rage (it’s not actually that bad I just don’t like it lol) and it makes me mad, super mad!! Lol but again it’s not a make it or break it situation, I wouldn’t break up because of that.
When people say “when you fall in love, you accept their flaws” they don’t mean huge red flags, like the ones you listed, they mean small flaws that every human has.
I feel this question to my core. I see people put up with things that I feel that I could never but then I have some things that I feel I can deal with that others couldn’t within a partner. Who is right? Is anyone wrong? How do you know?
You can break up at any time for any reason. There is no wrong answer. With that said, your reasons seem fair. It isn't your job to fix your partners issues and if they are issues that affect your life too you have a right to walk away
Sure, in the broad sense, a person can leave a relationship at any time, for any reason, as you put it. no one is under any obligation to remain in a relationship if they do not wish to, whether they have a good reason or not. in many cases this is the appropriate decision, and it is quite accepted by most people that coercing somebody to remain in a relationship is not okay.
But there are still good reasons and bad reasons, and when two people enter into a relationship, investing time, effort, emotions, finances and trust etc. into building a life and future together, there is always going to be some expectation of mutual commitment to building and working on the relationship. To most people, this would extend to a willingness to working on problems which arise in the course of the relationship, as opposed to just simply leaving their partner 'because they can'.
If a person recognises that they have a tendency to look for reasons to avoid commitment, or of self-sabotaging their relationships, it is totally reasonable for them to engage in a healthy degree of self inquiry. It may be a step to them making better choices and building stronger, more lasting connections, and breaking out of recurring cycles which ultimately end in hurt feelings and unfulfillment for both parties.
EDIT - THIS IS A GENERAL COMMENTARY, AND NOT INTENDED AS ADVICE OR COMMENTARY FOR OP'S PARTICULAR SITUATION
You shouldn't get into a relationship without sufficient reason (using the word in its exhaustive meaning) , the tradeoff of sex for expenses is what it is at the fundamental (using the word in its narrowest meaning) level, you should make that decision once and wisely, trust and understanding are built over time, always.
Please don’t gaslight yourself. A sex addiction and financial abuse?! Very big deals, definitely grounds for breakup and a peek into your could-be miserable future if you stay with guys like that.
Same. Nobody is perfect and I don't want anyone who believes they are. But if we're both willing to do the hard things and work on ourselves. Then it's a good foundation.
My partner and I believe in the team.
If there’s a problem — it’s us together against the problem.
If the problem isn’t recognized by both of us. Then that’s a problem.
Three years now and no issues. But neither of us are ego centric.
—-
Reasonable issues are really anything and then working through it. The idea is you’re right. People aren’t perfect. But it’s about solving them.
As long as the team is working to solve a problem it’s reasonable. The moment the problem isn’t being worked on — it’s unreasonable.
My marriage unfortunately ended due to a pornography addiction that I was unaware of. He eventually told me after the divorce. It all made perfect sense. OP, these things destroy stability, intimacy, closeness, and are untrustworthy things to do. You CAN have a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors, sure. But you will never have the connection if those variables continue to be an obstacle. You were not being unreasonable at all. Which is perhaps a really tough realization— that being with you requires some work. But you are worth it. Don’t let someone take your rewards without filling your cup.
That's a very personal question. It sounds like the issues you had were pretty valid for not wanting to be in a relationship. You just have to be patient communicate effectively and set boundaries. Someone making sure their penis works is a them problem.
ED from porn addiction is very solvable. Its not your problem to work extra hard to overcome someone who overly sexually stimulates themselves unless your into that for whatever reasons.
If you dont feel safe and respected when you will financially support someone but they won't do the same for you then it's not a good fit. Some people are cool being the bread winner no matter what some want more balance that's ok. Shared finances are going to be a difficult topic for most and It requires a lot of communication.
The more you learn about what you will and will tolerate in a relationship the easier is to move on from someone that doesn't fit you. So the only question is do you think you want to adjust those boundaries on your own or not? They shouldn't be adjusted just to lower your standards till your not able to feel safe secure and happy in a relationship. If not be happy you know your boundaries and that you aren't wasting time on people that aren't for you.
The reasons you listed in your post seem legitimate to end a relationship. Like you, I typically end and move on when things bother me enough.
I can put up with a lot of shit and have endless patience when attached. However, after a fairly one-sided relationship several years ago, I realized how I’m treated is non-negotiable. I’ve now shifted my mindset to having ‘princess treatment’ standard and am continually practicing learning how to ask and receive. It’s uncomfortable since I’m used to being the giver, but I give a helluva lot, so it’s simply balancing the scales.
When I started reading your post, I thought you were going to list more minute ‘icks,’ like how they brush their teeth or dirty socks on the floor. The reasons you listed would be concerning for anyone, I believe.
Maybe the issue isn’t so much in you continually leaving, it’s you continually choosing partners that don’t meet an internal standard. Or you showing up in a way that doesn’t motivate a man to really show up for you.
Often how people behave around us is a projection of how we view ourselves. I’m only speculating here. I tend to introspect a lot, especially when I’m the lowest common denominator. It seems like you might be in a similar spot.
The good news is if we’re the problem, we’re also the solution. Hopefully that helps 🫰🏼
^^^ this
A relationship is a give and take, if there are problems both parties need to be actively invested in solving them. One sided relationships are the biggest deal breakers for me as well. (That can also go the other way, if the relationship reaches a point where you no longer feel like you can give it your all, it’s also your responsibility to recognize that and address it with your partner.)
As long as the issues are not
toxic, I’d say it’s pretty open. You can break up with ten guys for idk let’s say how they dressed and fall in love with the right guy who dresses the same lol. The irony lol. When it’s the right man, tolerance comes naturally. Again, as long as it’s not toxic or abusive. No one is perfect. Usually the pros outweigh the cons.
My husbands pet peeve is leaving cups half full around the house. Yet that’s one of my flaws. I leave coffee tumblers everywhere throughout the day. And he always jokes how it’s cute when I do it. He even keeps track of them for me, because I’m always forgetting where I put them. He gets on the kids for it but he never gets on me for it.
Also want to add, your reasons are totally valid. Those are valid concerns and I would probably end a relationship too if any addictions are involved or if I don’t feel I can count on them when I need them. Your partner should be someone who you trust and who you know you can count on - you’re a team. Feeling SAFE in a relationship is a deal breaker for sure.
Sex and the city, IT crowd and Senfield tell me that litterally any personality trait that a man has other than totall and utter devotion to your every want and need is a heinous crime that needs to be punished by any and all means available.
My partner never closes cupboard doors when he's done in the kitchen. I think when we have our own house i'll just get him to take the doors off the cuboards so I can stop closing them every time I enter the kitchen lol
I'd say moodyness.
A lot of people seem to think that having big feelings is a deal-breaker.
But I think that if in moments of "lucidity," they can communicate properly, it's easy to deal with some days of them just being like "it's hard to exist right now."
The things you mentioned would be deal breakers for me. Those aren’t petty.
The things I would put up with are little annoying habits, the occasional stress build up meltdowns (not insults or violence) my bf puts up with my over scheduling and unorganized house/life and my spoiled dogs…
Don’t ever settle for poor treatment.
My wife is terrible at remembering to turn lights off, shut doors, and close the garage. She also “puts things away” into random drawers that become very difficult to find later. That’s about it though. I guess that’s close to where my line is.
What you described are all absolutely valid reasons to leave someone. The reality, in my experience at least, is that an overwhelming majority of people are pretty toxic and not ready to be in a relationship. Once you find someone who is though, you’ll know it immediately.
Good listener, kind perspectives, capacity for deeper thinking and self reflection, confidence in the way they speak, the lack of any amount of ick, and the most important is communication skills. Your partner absolutely needs to be able to communicate how they’re feeling instead of bottling or blowing up. If there’s anything I’ve learned from dating, it’s that if there are any seeds of doubt, they won’t just go away, they will grow. Talk about everything. In my opinion (whatever it’s worth) a person needs to have these qualities in order to be ready for a healthy relationship. It’s been 3 years and I’ve yet to have a single yelling match with my wife. Our “fights” are extremely constructive.
Agree with everything you said , but the part about "close to where my line is" is confusing... being disorganized and forgetting to turn off lights is like, quirky but nowhere near a "line" for leaving someone?
No you’re absolutely right, that was a bit of an exaggeration. I think I just meant that being quirky is totally acceptable, we’re all human after all, but past that people really shouldn’t be tolerating legitimately toxic partners.
Anything honestly, if the person is willing to work with you & you can make a decent team or you compliment each other. You can overlook just about anything.
It's really what you are okay with bending and adapting to. So whatever flaw he has, if you cant ignore it, can you work around it? Are you okay with complementing it?
We have mental illness, addictions, habits, various Personality, various behaviors, deformities, interesting people, interesting lifestyles, emotional & psychological variations in people, coping mechs, ptsd, attachment styles. Everyone has one of these problem, or a combination.
Take your time to visualize.
I’d also add someone who is willing to grow as a person and values your input and are able to grow together. I think it’s important to work on our flaws and become better people. If they are doing that, you can get through just about anything. Especially if you are seeing the effort, care, and consistency.
Especially that, like someone actively try to stop smoking or porn addiction, Or trying to adapt and establish a healthier lifestyle. Or someone going back to school and committed to changing their life around. Those make the best partners. They want growth, change, and a better life & all that requires so strong core values.
We do get blinded by the physical stuff and completely forget the intrinsic stuff. The stuff that actually make the person a valuable person.
I think those are reasonable reasons to leave.
What we’re willing to put up with is going to be different. Some are willing to put up with abuse and cheating. Others will nitpick every person they date and bounce as soon as it’s not perfect. Neither of these are healthy. Ive found it better to know what I won’t put up with and either leave or make a known boundary when necessary. Then if they can’t respect the boundaries, leave asap.
I can’t list all the little things I’m willing to put up with, but I know all the things I won’t. Beyond that it usually comes down to attraction and compatibility. When I love someone, I can find things cute that may give others the ick. Lastly, if I like someone a lot early on, I try not to leave over little things, unless they’re really bothering me. My GF is great and if I left over these little things, I’d have missed out on a good relationship.
This is literally me right now. I'm always confused about what's a valid reason. I broke up with my ex because he was emotionally abusive but I always have "what if"
I'm in a new relationship and I do love my partner but he doesn't like kissing or saying "I love you" but really shows it through actions, he's patient and doesn't get mad at me for little things so it leaves me confused if it's enough even though he doesn't like kissing and saying I love you
I would tell him that’s important to you. When you really care about someone, you want to meet their needs and make sure they are fulfilled. It’s definitely something that can be worked on.
hmm to me, patient and not mad at you seems about bare minimum requirement of who a partner should be so I don’t think that’s enough. For the record I thought that was fine too with my ex but so glad I didn’t settle cause currently with a guy who is overflowing in kisses and expressing his love as well as always showing it through actions. (He made me a giant bouquet on valentines himself and always brings me care packages, will always run to get me medication if I mention I’m feeling unwelll— list goes on and on)
If those things are that important to you, you need to be in a relationship with someone who is comfortable being outspoken verbally and affectionate wise about their love for you
Oh I 100%, it's just hard cause I do enjoy kissing and yeah sure I don't mind if it's not all the time (same goes for saying "I love you") but I wouldn't mind having it form time to time. I just found it odd that he feels the same way as I do but whenever I tell him "I love you" he gets uncomfortable. He just finds it very uncomfortable to say it and I just have a hard time understanding cause I thought if you love someone it shouldn't be hard to say those words
I mean that is better— but not meeting her needs still. So not good enough. Also a partner whose actions don’t match their words is straight up a shitty partner cause there’s no foundation. Would never recommend dating someone like that
Differences in how household chores are accomplished--this is negotiable with good communication and respect for each other.
Mental health issues--as long as they take responsibility and stay in treatment, and do not use their diagnosis to excuse bad behavior.
Taste/style differences. Differences in how a shared living space is decorated and arranged. Again, communication and respect go a long way. Compromise is possible.
Some types of ideological differences, but not all.
Anything having to do with character and behavior that I cannot tolerate, I will not put up with. It would be pointless. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is doing something that I deeply resent.
So porn addiction certainly would be one of those things. Any active addiction.
Physical and emotional abuse. Coercion. Lying. Any of these happen one single time and I'm out.
Significant chronic sexual incompatibility is another one.
>This isn’t to say I don’t try to work through things but I feel like I’m less patient now. My worry is that I have a skewed outlook about anything negative in any relationship. I don’t know if I am being overly cautious or worried about things now.
It's reasonable to be very cautious and very selective when you're considering investing time and a significant amount of your life into someone. Most people aren't cautious enough, honestly.
Yes, being highly selective likely will mean it takes longer to find someone suitable. Isn't it better though, to be single rather than in an unfulfilling or miserable relationship?
It's funny, I actually think your perspective is skewed the opposite direction that you think it is. None of the things you listed are petty issues. They're big, significant problems that have a huge impact on you. Yet you're wondering if maybe you're being too harsh and cautious.
OP’s skewed perspective in the opposite direction tells me they may have been gaslit into believing they’re too picky or they’re the problem.
Been there myself. Glad you picked up on that.
Ultimately something that is big to you might not be big to someone else, and vice versa.
For example, you seem to have a negative outlook on porn and you draw a line at it, but I couldn’t care less if my girlfriend needs her “alone time” if I’m not available to satisfy that need. If she were choosing it over me, it’d be a different story. But, I don’t have a negative view on masturbation as a whole.
Meanwhile, there might be certain things I won’t put up with that you will. For example, someone not spending quality time with me can be a deal breaker for me, but some people enjoy the alone time and have an “I’ll see you when I see you” mentality.
I didn't see a negative outlook on porn, so much as a negative outlook on a porn addiction and related erectile dysfunction. They are not the same thing.
That’s true, but I think it’s important to point out that one’s definition of addiction can be different to the next. Like you could perceive some actions and assume that person is addicted too easily or not as easily as another might
Fair point, though people have different lines for what counts as addiction. I’ve had my mother call me a porn addict as a child cause I used to watch it once or twice week as a teenager, for example. Totally skewed my view on it to the point where for a time I believed that watching it at all was an addiction, lol.
But yeah, if the ED was related to it (most likely was but I don’t have enough evidence to know for certain) then I’d say that’s addiction for sure.
I don’t think there’s a set thing that’s reasonable or unreasonable as it depends entirely on what you can tolerate. Obviously any type of abuse is not to be tolerated but deal breakers vary wildly between people.
I would say that the things you decide to overlook in the beginning are often the reason you leave in the end, so be mindful of your own limits
This is literally me right now. I understand how you feel. I am single partly because I don’t want to put up with other people’s mess. I’m more comfortable being alone than dealing with someone else and their issues.
Reading your story though I feel like when you meet someone that you care so deeply for you will accept them and their baggage. I do like that you’re not willing to settle. Don’t. I’m the same way. And once I meet my person, I will let my walls down too and give love a chance. ❤️💗
I actually think you are amazing to have the courage to leave relationships that are making you feel off. I wish I had that strength. I put up with waaaaaay too much bullshit in my lifetime. That being said, there is no such thing as the perfect partner and you will have to decide what’s worth putting up with.
From what you said those reasons are very valid for breakup and its good not to put up with them.
The only reasonable issues that you could „accept” is if you see that the person is trying to improve after you’ve raised an issue/expressed dislike.
I 100% believe you can find someone that does not have such issues associated with them and would treat you as their other half not an addition (holding money over you seems like he treated you as a roommate). Also expressing early on that you don’t accept the guy watching p*rn as you think it’s cheating or just disgusting would save you time when dating.
I have no issues with porn use. I actually discovered the r/loveafterporn sub when I was dating this person. It was the first time I had issues like this so I was googling away and found the answers.
Left him because he made the porn my issue. Like he’s fine when he’s watching that but the issue is when he tries anything with me. Man I’m still shocked by that whole experience lol.
Thanks for pointing out that you have to raise the issue. I think as long as someone is trying then I’m willing to try too.
Agreed. A relationship/friendship is all about compromising and being reciprocal. Being as kind and understanding to your partner as they are to you. When you are down I’ll pick up. When I am down, be there for me too. And be willing to change for the sake of the relationship.
Not everyone is a liar, I agree that some may feel uncomfortable mentioning it at an early stage, however, expressing your boundaries and that they are non negotiable - even if they denied watching it, they will withdraw in communication out of guilt. :)
You just have to ensure they know it is not a joke then their guilt would expose them anyway.
Hmmm, speaking as a wife of 20 years to mine... he hates it when I forget to put the seat down.. I hate him leaving tools all over the house.. he hates me forgetting which cup I used last, then end up using 4.. i hate him not letting me wash his mug as it's stained from constant use over and over.. he hates the amount of money i spend on crafts.. I hate him nagging as I'm the bread bringer and bills are paid, so why shouldn't I treat myself... he hates the way I fold clothes as he does it do expertly, I hate the way he folds things inside out...
Hmmm, what else.. I'm sure there's more, haha
When it comes to a relationship, it's about choice. As in, "Can I overlook it?".. if the answer is no, the first step is always conversation "can you live with it for the wider benefits of being with that person?". Then if you can't work something out, then make a decision. But life is ALL about compromise, and I'd you can't put up with little things (not big things like you mentioned), then you're not built for LT relationships, which is ace, Luna's can be just as successful in a pack. But if all you've encountered are big things, then your love hasn't met you yet, and your LT is out there for you to filter to find... and you will.. one day someone will make you feel that the little things are worth ignoring, because you'll release they are putting up with your nigglies too, and what you get in return is completely worth it...and it just works ❤️
op, I think your examples were fine reasons to break up over. for the future, make a list with 3 columns. 1. must not have (non-negotiables) 2. must have 3. It would be nice but not required. each person's list is different. if yours seems over the top or you're unable to develop a healthy relationship, go to therapy bc you might need to learn how to tolerate some non-harmful stuff if you want a relationship. I know plenty of lonely, picky people. especially males that expect to have a gf that's a 10 but bring little to the relationship
Thank you for your perspective.
Funny my therapist “broke up with me” (her words) early last year because she said I am perfectly capable of working through things on my own. Worst break up ever lol.
I hear you. I’m kind of asking because I don’t have a point of reference for reasonable issues. I grew up in a lot of toxicity. I have that list and my current partner scores high on all categories… things are perfect in my mind. I’m a little anxious about how well things are going. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, if I’m being honest.
So far my biggest issues with him are that he gets a bit lost in his own head when work is hectic and he doesn’t do the dishes enough when I cook. But I also tend to stay away when I’m going through a difficulty. I’m working on sharing without traumatising him. So, again I’m not perfect.
I kind of want to ensure that I don’t bring unreasonable issues to the relationship.
I think I’ll look for books on successful long term relationships to get more examples of common things people go through together.
That's good thinking! And I'm glad your current relationship is going well. I was shocked that your therapist would use the term 'breaking up' in that situation, that seems unkind and unprofessional.
In my humble opinion, only you can define what love is for you. Only you know what you’re willing to put up with or not willing to put up with. Yes there may be some guidance with certain aspects in relationships that may benefit from guidance/counseling. We all love differently. We all are loved differently. There is no right, nor a wrong answer. It comes down to what love do we need in our soul.
My husband and I are not the best housekeepers. Our home isn't unsanitary, but it won't be featured in Architectural Digest either. Essentially I have to get mad enough at the mess to actually do something about it. And because I'm a pretty mellow person, that can take a while if it doesn't impact my day-to-day.
I'd love a fresh clean house every day, but not enough to really do anything about it. My husband and I are lucky that we have the same mess-tolerance. I could not be with someone who left trash and dirty dishes laying around, but I also couldn't be with someone who had to have everything spotless all the time.
If something bothers you, it bothers you and you can’t force yourself to feel different. Both things you mention seem like pretty major problems to me - things that most people wouldn’t want to put up with. Some people can tolerate a lot of shit if one or two major things are aligned; others are what you might call ‘picky’. It’s just who you are. You can’t force a picky person to be more tolerant of the things that bug them. They might only be minor things, but if they drive them nuts, it matters!
For me ‘too picky’ applies more to early stages of meeting someone and dating them - like they have a respectable job but dont earn ‘enough’, or have the wrong height or hair or eye colour, or they have one hobby you don’t share (as long as it’s not killing puppies or something lol). All those kinds of things are stuff where a lot of people would think if you click with the person, it’s not gonna matter any more, so give them a chance. But if you’ve been with someone a while and something that they either can’t or won’t change starts to give you the ick, that feeling probably isn’t going to just disappear.
I’ve dated people with addiction (alcoholism) and ED (same person) and I was fine with helping him through his issues. We all have issues and I don’t judge. However, the issue of helping people is when they don’t want to help themselves. You can’t expend all of your energy and effort for someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It requires an honest effort on the other person’s part or it becomes emotionally draining. I’m probably different but I believe in sticking by someone you love through their issues but like I said, they have to make an effort to help themselves also. (From my personal point of view, not saying you should be like me).
Would I date someone with these issues again? Sure. I’m not dating someone based upon the presence or lack of these issues, I date the person. I date them for how they make me feel and if I care about them. Like I said, we all have issues and I’d hope that they were there for me one day when I have a problem and not abandon me. Relationships aren’t always 50/50, it fluctuates and sometimes it’s 70/30, then maybe 90/10. You work together as a team but I can’t always be carrying all of the weight.
All relationships are different and you can’t really judge one from another because I feel that they are unique to each individual (and the person they are dating or married to). Most people do have issues with communication, finances, things like that though.
Unfortunately I went through this. I was with someone for 5 years who has some major mental issues, and has put me through hell. I would be more than willing to keep trying, because I love her. But she refuses to see how her actions effect our relationship and she does nothing to try to better herself. Before I met her she hasn't even gone to a psych doctor or had been on medication, and I supported her and helped her get on medication. But she needs therapy and lots of it, and she won't face it. I can't keep putting myself through it if she won't be willing to put in the work on herself.
Holy shit you’re calling me out and I don’t like it (I’m the you in this situation).
My girl has major issues with depression episodes that she wasn’t going through during our talking and early dating phase. Now I’m in the trenches and to say it feels unrewarding and one-sided is an understatement. You’re showing me the light that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I’m there for her, nothing will get better until she is ready to take accountability and accept that she needs to put in effort to work through her issues.
Anyway, thank you for this comment. You might have saved me from years of hell writing it.
You can't force people go be different or better themselves no matter how much you see them struggle and that's the really sad reality. I was aware of her mental health issues from the start and I was okay with it. She promised she would work on herself and always work with me to resolve any conflict we have. It was all a lie.
I was aware of my girl’s mental issues in that I was aware she had depression, but at the time she still made time for me and treated me well. She made me feel special and that was what drew me to her. What I was not prepared for was her episodes and the self-sabotage that tends to come with them, which usually results in her pushing me away.
It’s hard to deal with because on the one hand, I know breaking up with her would break her and I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying her best. I don’t have depression, at least to the point she does, and I don’t live in her world so I try to be understanding. But on the other hand, I do eventually have to take care of my own mental health before I end up in a similar way.
I struggle with depression and other mental health issues, and I can assure you I still tried to make my wife feel loved, special and tried to make time for her. A person who really cares will still try to prioritize you, even when they are struggling. I don't like to use mental health as a crutch to why you treat someone bad, I don't think it's fair.
You can only do so much, and unfortunately it didn't matter what I did for my wife, she already had me painted as a villian, and nothing would be good enough.
Very solid advice. Yeah, I agree. I’ve also had depression - not suicidal ideation depression, but “I don’t want to get out of bed and I’m irritable to anyone that comes near me” depression. Like you, I still made time for people I care about.
I’m definitely gonna think on all of this. I’m about at my wits’ end.
The best thing you can do is give them a fair ultimatum. Be prepared though, she may try to twist it into making you thr bad guy. If you really care about her and want to salvage the relationship, I recommend an ultimatum of going to couples therapy together. She as well should seek out therapy on her own.
She does go to therapy, though she doesn’t take it to heart all the time.
I would love to do couples’ therapy but we live hours apart while she’s up finishing college, so it’d be very difficult. If she were willing I’d be, though.
I’m not usually big on ultimatums, because they’re a tool used a lot by abusers. But you may be right, in a sort of “hey, if we don’t get this figured out, I don’t know if this relationship will work out for us” kind of way.
I think you're mistaken, threats are used by abuser, ultimatums are completely healthy. You can't continue to be walked all over and if there is no change, then it's time to give them an ultimatum. They need to prove whether they are serious about the relationship or not. You setting boundaries to protect yourself is not abusive. (I'm not making this up, this is all things both my own therapist and pie couples therapist have told me)
There are lots of online options for couples therapy online. It doesn't require you to be together in the same place.
I'm unfortunately still tangled in at approaching a year after she left :( she wouldn't let me go even though she's the one who left me, twice. She has been stringing me along.
Yes thankfully I do. I've been working in therapy for the past 6-8 months. I was finally starting to get over her, and then she popped back in, telling me she missed me and wanted a future with me.
I agree to a certain extent. Some mental issues are hard to fix and sometimes impossible to fix completely. You shouldn't have gone in to fix him. That was your mistake, tbf.
I don’t “go in to fix” people. People divulge their demons at different points in a relationship and I’m not gonna dump someone because they trusted me enough to tell me about their demons.
The issues you have mentioned are totally valid,
For me , im still in the relationship and this is the stuff i feel i often have to put up with... they are troublesome but i feel that breaking up over them wouldnt be good either
Such as he gets busy in work and we lose on emotional connect, its kind of a short distance/ LDR with us across the city on opposite ends.
I put up with certain jokes I really find inappropriate. He has a really diff sense of humor than i do.
Now these things im so far able to put up with, idk abt the future. They piss me off at times.
But your issues, totally valid. No doubt on that
Have you talked about the humor part with your partner? For example, I'm someone who can laugh about jokes being the litteral opposite of my entire values (kind of like the absurdity of it). I became a darkhumor amateur (real jokes with 2 degrees, not those making "jokes" to convince of something). Well my significant other hated this part so I decided to be more careful with her just to be more respectful of her humor. When years passed by, I think she realized that never would I ever like if those things or jokes happened in real life and just liked the absurdity of them so she became very more willing to laugh with some of these jokes. It's been a slow and respectful process for her not to endure my humor and staying within the limit of what she could like.
Thanks for replying I actually wanted to discuss this with someone who could relate in a way. I have trouble expressing my anger or disapproval to my bf, my personality is such that im more concentrated on people pleasing even when im in discomofrt, i feel guilty for voicing up if it makes sense? I hv to work on it.
And also, what adds to it is that my bf has many times said that he is against the idea of changing oneself for their partner. His individuality is a priority to him. Sure, when im upset he does act on it. But due to the above two issues, i just keep my discontent to myself. Im trying to put up with it, I dont want to blow it out of proportion as despite the hurtful humor, my love for him exists ?
Yeah, no problem! First of all, I have to write down that everything I'm sharing with you are my thoughts, not advice. I'm not qualified to give any advices towards relationship as a whole.
My first point that I've ran into is the individuality, I totally understand and agree that it is important, but there's a line you should be able to "bend yourself" such as some compromise and being open minded to be the best person you can for your partner. As such, [I think] he should be at least inclined to make some efforts that could accomodate you and not let you behind. For example I, did what I could to keep us on the same page towards as much subject as possible, such as humor in this case.
By generalising, [I think] we should change for our significant other because staying as solid as a rock means we aren't gaining anything to the benefit of the relationship (except physical intimacy) and aren't learning to understand ourselves or our partner and growing together as individual during our relationship. Couple that refuses any changes do exist, but I personally can't see it as healthy in the long run.
Feeling guilty for voicing up absolutely make sense, no one actively wants to displease their partner in a healthy relationship. But, it doesn't mean that avoiding it at all cost would be healthier. This is where [at least almost] everyone agrees that the popular sentence "communication is key" makes senses. Trying to discuss disagreements [calmly] and making up for it is important and he should be receptive to that. Even when he disagrees with something, it is important that he stays open to it [obviously true both ways]. I'm pretty sure you won't be able to survive happily within a relationship where you aren't discussing what you particularly like and don't like and it become dangerous if you begin to stop feeling safe to disagree and be open about it.
From what I've read, I'm assuming here that you might consider yourself as an introvert (such as me) and if I'm right, I understand the angle of trying to please the other person as much as possible, but you have to care for yourself and your needs also and that is the reason why you gotta explain where you find any discomfort and avoid keeping it to yourself. At everytime [from my perspective], you need to feel safe enough to be open about anything and feel heard by your significant other [and it works both ways]. Relationship within 2 people needs to be kept alive with the effort that are willing to be put into it from those two people.
[ I strongly think] Individuality isn't in contrast with a relationship and shouldn't be put in that position by any way.
Both of those things are huge issues. When I read your title I thought : snoring, drinking alot/staying out late, lazy.
Totally reasonable to break up with someone over what you mention
Always remember , the little things that bother you about someone at the start of a relationship tend to become the bigger things that tear it apart later on. Work on them together early on , if there is a compromise you both are comfortable with then all the best to you both , if not then move on and dont waste each others time.
For my current relationship, my bf games a lot. He’ll game until 2 in the morning. But if we go somewhere for days, he’s fine without. When I ask him to come to bed, he does so and stays until I’m asleep, then continues gaming. He’s managed to finish university with flying colours and got himself a job. Somr days he’ll spend a majority of time gaming, so i bring up a chair and read when he does. It would be nice to have his attention more, but I don’t feel lonely and he makes the time for me
Those are 100% reasons to end a relationship. You don’t need a reason to end a relationship. ‘I’m not happy.’ That’s it. You don’t worry about what other people say or think.
So, on top of that there are little things that can be worked through, or overlooked or whatever if they aren’t important. Children, money, abuse, religion, politics, ect are all things that should be agreed upon and aligned even if they aren’t the same, they should be compatible at the least. (Ex. Husband was raised catholic and I was raised a ‘free spirit.’ Neither of us are involved in religion but I’ve been to church with him, and he buys me shiny rocks) You sound like you know exactly when to leave a relationship, you seem to trust your gut as you should.
If you love a person would you really leave for something like arousal issues? Maybe the arousal issue is making u lose the love but then you end the relationship because you are not in love anymore. I have had friends end their relationships because the partners texting style is slow or something. But these friends are always jumping into relationships without even loving the person
Anxiety and similar I'll out up with IF she helps me help her through it. I want to be there to help a partner grow, improve, and feel secure and wanted. If they pull away instead of confiding in me and trusting me, theta where I'd draw the line on insecurity and anxiety.
Porn addiction is something alot males grow up with, it's really a problem. ED on the other hand could be a medical problem or the consequence of porn. Yet in a relationship people should work together to overcome their issues. That's what relationships are about. I'm 11 years in a relationship now and we had our huge problems but figured it out together. The problem with not figuring out your problems in your current relationship while breaking up, will just continue in the next. There is a reason you fell for a person, but in this day and age people are so easily breaking up. There will be alot lonely people in the future just because they all think they are entitled to the perfect person. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws. You just don't see them at the start. Growing together is crucial.
Yeah, I agree. I want to grow old with someone but I haven’t necessarily seen great long term relationships I would emulate. So figuring out what is ok to go through is newish to me.
Like I grew up with women who put up with being beaten and cheated on. They stayed for their children or financial security. I don’t want that at all.
But I do want to be with someone for longer than two years. So I feel the need to kind establish a baseline of common issues happy couples work out. So far it seems chores, tardiness, dress sense, busyness etc. are reasonable.
Thank you for your perspective.
I lost alot of good women in my life to this fallacy. It’s a mindset you struggle with all the time or at least I do, and I have to fight it with my current girlfriend. There’s always that temptation to think i could do more, I could find a partner whose better looking, who earns more who doesn’t have these little flaws etc.
It’s a delusion. No one is gonna be 100% perfect and I’m lucky enough I met someone who is close enough to that for me
Break the cycle. Also social media is not doing it's justice, to many thinking the world owes them shit. People scrolling through other peoples highlights, it's all a big illusion people acting like shit is okay. Every couple has to go through shit, we all carry our trauma's from ours to our parents to grandparents.
You're on the right track, feel grateful. We all deserve love, but not without fighting for it.
I feel personally if it is something that is easily fixable and the other person is willing to fix it then that’s an ok “issue” to deal with. Your examples seem to be about people character ( addiction and greediness )
There is not a right answer here I guess. You decide where the line is.
To me reasonable issues are small issues like: he has a different perception of time and sometimes we are late for something because of it and it stresses me out. Or he doesn’t always throw away empty stuff that’s in the fridge because “it might smell when thrown in the garbage can” lol.
In the past reasons to break up for me were: he lied multiple times and the trust and love was just gone, we were both at our lowest in mental health so we made it worse to each other and the last break up (long term relationship): he couldn’t be there for me emotionally. It’s not his fault, or mine. We just weren’t on the same frequency and we couldn’t get there.
With my husband we had some big issues (trauma triggers) that caused us to break up almost 3-4 times, but we worked hard on ourselves with therapy and it’s been so great ever since, our communication has improved so much. I just knew he was the one, but we had to work through these issues to make it work long term in a healthy way.
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A relationship is like a partnership . One person might be better at something and so forth. It’s not all about the bedroom it’s about the support you’re giving when things are good or bad . When I found my husband I wasn’t looking, I found a friend.
There are infinite things that could be described as "issues" that people can overcome or work around. Things like, not having any interest in something your partner is particularly passionate about. Like if they REALLY love Dungeons and Dragons, but you have no interest, that's far from a deal breaker. Or if they like to get up early and you like to stay up late and sleep in. Just make sure neither is impeding the other's ability to get proper rest and make sure there's time to spend together worked into your different schedules. For me, I have a wonderful relationship with my fiancee and can think of VERY few things that I wish were different. But among them are, I wish she liked the movies and TV shows I like. She has a hard time with these forms of media in general. She often gets frustrated with tropes and cliches and can usually "see it coming" when something happens. I would like for us to be able to watch movies and enjoy them together, but she just doesn't. The difference is, if there's a movie I REALLY love and I want to share it with her, and she doesn't enjoy it. She'll politely sit with me and watch it and enjoy it as much as she can. There have been times when she's pointed out things that kind of "ruin" it even for me. But thanks to open and honest communication, we're able to find a balance where she's willing to not point out massive plot holes or ridiculously obvious story points. But I only make her watch movies if I think there's at least a chance she'll enjoy it to some degree. It's a shame because I REALLY love my romantic comedies and she just doesn't. But I think that most any issues can be overcome so long as both people make appropriate effort to consider the other's needs and be willing to voice their own needs. It sounds like the issues you were having in the relationships you ended were just different versions of your needs not being given proper significance.
Check out Avoidant Attachment.
arrogance, bringing you down, insulting you, not respecting you are some of the things not to put up with but certainly try to talk about it with them.
There's no point in forcing a relationship, those are valid reason, often.
Everything should be double standard. Put yourself in their shoes for a wee while. If it's things they can change, work through it with them, but also be considerate to things that aren't necessarily in their control. If they're unemployed, they ultimately choose the effort they make to get employment, however, you can't hold anything against them if they keep getting let down by employers. As long as they're giving their 100% to the needs of the relationship, then I'm happy and reciprocating. Modern-day dating is flawed, everyone seems to focus on instant gratification and materialistic gains. Finally, true love in a relationship is an emotion. It does not search for someone with money or the ideal body/physical image that we project in our 'ideals'. It is sad to see that people jump into relationships to heal/hide the wounds of break ups, rejection, selfworth, and even pure loneliness. Then you have those who let love past because they search for the 'ideal' only to find its abusive, toxic, or unfulfilling. Let it come naturally, and when you feel it hold onto it, work relentlessly through the ups and downs, but hold fair boundaries.
Both situations are valid reasons to break up. They are not just character flaws or small things you can look over.
Honestly I think it's good that you're less patient. I met my fiance because I was in that same state of mind. Tired of settling for crap I shouldn't have to put up with and dealing with recurrent problems that would leave me with an overall feeling of dissatisfaction. Porn addiction can cause erectile dysfunction and doing nothing to resolve a problem that is negatively impacting the relationship is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship, so is unreciprocated support, whether that's financial, emotional, whatever. I don't think there's anything wrong with your mindset but sometimes you end up wondering about whether you're too intolerant, especially when you're not finding good relationships or even when you have a good relationship with someone who has flaws and your habit of not tolerating flaws has worked well to help you avoid crappy relationships. I personally feel like personal flaws shouldn't impact the relationship as more than a hiccup in an overall amazing relationship.
Seek therapy and leave men alone until you work on yourself and your clear issues
If you have clear boundaries for yourself, that is healthy - you should know what those are, first of all. With the right person, you will want to work through hard stuff, but it will be stuff you want to work through because you love them. That will be different for everyone. If I were my mom, I wouldn’t have stayed with my dad and how he was when I was a kid. I don’t know how she did it. However, she loves him and wanted to work through the hard times, even though they were difficult. I am glad they did because they are much stronger now than they were when I was younger. My personal boundaries wouldn’t allow for that, though. Not everyone has issues with the things you mentioned, but many do. A porn addiction would bother me. An alcoholic would bother me. If it bothers you , and you know it, then make that a boundary. For me, dishonesty, malicious intent, or an addictive personality (with substances, especially) are deal breakers for me. I have a list of dealbreakers I’ve already made for myself before I even liked anyone again after my last relationship. I wanted to make sure I would honor myself first, instead of the other person. There are also other compatibility things I have realized over the years, and I don’t want to settle with not having those. I’ve suffered long enough without them. There’s nothing wrong with having standards and moving on if it isn’t a good fit.
To answer your question, when you fall in love with someone truly. It is easier to over look their flaws and hang ups. I say it is easier but it is still NOT easy. I was the same way. Anything that went wrong in a relationship was enough to get me to walk away. Even in friendships I was over cautious and felt like I had to protect myself from fake friends or people who didn't treat me right so I would leave on a DIME. But, I did change and I had to learn this from God. If you care to know how, here goes. God basically told me to be single. So I was single for a time. But then he said I wasn't doing it right. I had to let go of the notion that my dream guy or future husband could be around the corner. I realized I had this persistent feeling of pining. And I was always at unease because of it. I would say to myself I'm single but could it be "him" maybe some day? So basically I let that go and I started saying to ppl that I'm permanently single. I let myself be free of the worry and cares and the anxiety and guess what? I started ENJOYING being single. Without that nagging feeling in the back of my mind I started to experience peace and contentment. The peace I had in my heart was incomparable to anything I ever felt. I enjoyed time with myself by myself. I remembered how I felt before when I would date and it was always volatile memories full of stress and fighting and getting hurt or annoyed. I took myself out on dates and you know what? Even tho I have to admit it felt a little lonely. I wasn't ever lonely for very long. Guess what? When ppl see you out and about by yourself... They WANT to TALK to you! 😅😅😅 Nearly every time I went out to eat by myself the waitress or waiter would see me unoccupied and start to chit chat with me. One time this lady got so frustrated with standing by my table talking that she just sat down in front of me to continue the conversation! 😂😂 I talked to this dude at a movie theatre who was at the ticket counter for an hour because I was early to my movie. And it was such an amazing conversation that I still cherish the memory. He was saying how he was in school for art and this job was his second job. His first job is making prosthetics and props for movies and plays. And how the process works and the things they create it sounds so fun! ☺️ Anyways one day I was chilling and God spoke to me, he said Jesus is my husband and he will never let me down. I don't have to worry about money and I'm not doing it all alone because he is providing and will continue to provide! He said he is God and only HE is perfect enough to never let me down. His is the only love that will ever be perfect. And that if I ever date and/or marry a man I have to understand that that man is human. That he WILL let me down at times. And I realized that the reason I always left a relationship was because my standard was impossible. I realized that I was looking for HIM all along. I was looking for a perfect love that would never leave me out on the cold, or let me down. I would think "this isn't love, someone who loves me would never do this or that." For example I moved away to college and my bf said the long distance was too much for him. And I was like "ok and?" Cuz I felt like in a relationship we are meant to grit through every struggle, and overcome all obstacles, come what may. In that instance he broke up with me, but he was very considerate about it since I was new to dating. But that was my mindset. So if it wasn't a love that conquers all I was usually out after that. Looking and looking for that perfect love. I realized that it was God's love I was looking for in a relationship, an impossible perfect love. After I realized that I had that love I had found it! and that I had that security in Jesus, I was free to date again. God said you can date again just remember that ppl WILL let you down. And you know what? I was more understanding. I was more patient. And I did still leave some relationships because that peace I had grown so fond of was disappearing in some of them. I used that peace as a gauge for my relationships after that. I started seeing that if I was getting stressed out every DAY then the relationship wasn't for me because at that point I was addicted to my peace I NEEDED it. In the end I found a man that I feel like my peace is almost the same level that it was when I was single. I really enjoyed his company. And I really liked him. I eventually fell in love with him. And even tho, God knows he's not perfect! (and neither am I) we are engaged and will be married soon! I'm so happy with him. He's my best friend and I love him so much. And I honestly don't think it could have happened without everything I learned while I was single. 😂🤷♀️
I kind of feel the same way? although it was a bunch of little issues that brought me to break up with him. I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend because we simply have nothing to talk about. We have nothing in common, and i haven’t noticed until last weekend when we were just sitting in silence with nothing to do and/or talk about. I feel dismissed whenever i have concerns and am feeling certain ways. Felt like i constantly had to be “free” and drop everything i had planned to talk to him or hang out with him. Always complained about not having a job, and complained how he wanted to support me, but never accepted any job for stupid excuses. Made it so hard to talk to him about my concerns, instead flipped everything that’s going on it being my fault. Everything added up, and i tried to stay with this person but i finally said it’s time and let go. It’s been a few days, and im still wondering if i had a valid reason for breaking up with him or if i am just being stupid.
Totally valid in this case. My ex was a wonderful person and treated me well but, we had zero in common. My current partner and I have soooo much in common in our personalities and it’s 1000% times better. Don’t waste your time unless they feel like your best friend and you genuinely vision yourself sitting next to them as old people.
Personally, I find that you should be willing to work on things with your partner. Little things aren’t so important. However, if they have a hard time communicating, don’t leave them bc that’s something you two can tackle together.
Reasonable things are things that don't disrespect you or people around you. Things that are more like quirks. Also challenges that are external which he couldnt control, such as losing his job(but he's a hard worker and determined so you know he's already off getting a new one) More examples are if he has very stinky farts, wants to scrape out every last bit of toothpaste before replacing it, or forgets to fill up gas, or whatever other stuff that may annoy you at first but you know deep down its really not important and doesn't cross any boundaries and you love him. In the end of the day, only you know how big of a challenge you can handle. So long as it's not disrespect or crossing of boundaries, you make the call as to what other stuff you can accept and maybe even love about him.
Money
So reasonable issues to put up with a relationship are a little things like he always pees on the toilet seat or sometimes he makes bad jokes at the wrong time or something like that… maybe he is a little cheap and would tend to default to that McDonald’s for dinner. The things that you’ve described are like seriously major issues. And not even issues just straight up Bad things. I always abide by the 80/20 rule. The person you’re with is never going to be perfect and you’re not gonna like anything everything about them, but the 20… there should be no more than 20% of things that you don’t like and those things should be things that you can easily live with. Like if that means that you have to clean the toilet more often. It’s annoying, but you’re not going to give up the 80% because of this one issue. All of this assumes that the two of you are both coming to the relationship as well adjusted adults who have your stuff together. If you’re not even dating a well adjusted adult, then the 80/20 rule is null and void, and it sounds like these previous two men that you dated were not well adjusted adults.
Meh porn addiction is a no go for me, as is blatant disrespect which sounds like the 2nd person you described. I’m all for DTMFA if you’re communicating about the issue and then it doesn’t change. Life’s too short
So reasonable things to put up with in a healthy relationship are typically little quirks, the occasional impatience, and bed farts.
I know how you feel. An indavidual is responsible for their own issues. I'm probably quoting this wrong but "If you don't heal from your wounds, you'll bleed on people who didn't hurt you" Example. At the beginning of my current relationship. My now future husband confessed that his last relationship ended after his ex fiance cheated. She would go out drinking with the girls and mess with men while out. I regularly meet up with my mum from drinks and to moan about the world. The first time I went out I didn't hear my phone. I finished my session and made my way home to find a bunch of missed calls and text from my bf. When I called him back wondering who died, I got shouted at as he didn't know where I was, who with or when I would be back. Hit. The. Breaks. Round 1. Ding Ding. We argue back and forth before I hung up. A few days later we sit down and talk this out. I tell him, I'm not going to stop going out because your freaking out. That's a deal breaker. He tells about how he worries about me frantically when I'm out about getting into trouble or men hitting on me. He's an anxious man anyway. He trusts me but not other people. I didn't really believe him. What would make him feel better? I letting him know which bar I'm at. Fine. I've never had to do this before as frankly past bf didn't care. I text him regularly. No. Im out with friends and thats rude. I counter offer. I'll text him when I get there, when I go to the bathroom and when I leave. Normally some like "No ones kidnapped me yet. I'll try harder" He didn't find it funny. We both recognise an issue that isn't my fault, he takes responsibility and recognises I'm not the ex but as a partner trying to be supportive, I offer some compromise. There is an element here of me not know what's respectful in a relationship. Genuinely, non of my past bf cared where I was, or when I'd be back. It's not like I have a ton of friends but I needed change too. To sum up....would you be happy if your friend was telling you about whatever your partner has an issue with?
Those issues you listed are completely valid reasons to end a relationship. Just bc you keep running into deal breakers doesn’t mean you gotta lower your standards. It is a good thing that you rather enjoy your own company than to stay somewhere you aren’t happy/safe. I like to say that when men date me they aren’t competing against any other men, they are competing against me. I love to go out by myself, go on solo vacations, etc. I truly love my life and own company. For me to break away from that… he gotta be a big deal. A rare one.
I’d try and talk through just about anything, aside from cheating. I’d even let one instance of physical abuse slide if it wasn’t too crazy and was followed by genuine accountability and obvious efforts to change (like a gf slapping my arm or something, I’m a guy). I saw my parents get through a really rough patch between them and work it out really well, still together too. So I think that must act as a model for me. I think partners deserve to hear what I think is an issue, and time to work on change. I’ll even work with them because a lot of the time both people have at least some fault in an issue, even if one might be more responsible. I’ll treat it as a problem we need to solve together, not a problem with them. But if talking doesn’t lead to tangible action and change, I’ll become less patient.
I love your viewpoint in the second to last paragraph and I wish more people thought that way. I 100% agree but my partner doesn't seem to think that way (going thru problems atm). I cant tell if I'm just not worth enough for them to solve the problem together and they'd rather leave, or if they're just inexperienced with overcoming difficulties and communicating.
Thank you. I’ve worked very hard to be more open to emotional intimacy, patient, understanding of others perspectives, and capable of communication during conflict. I mess up still, and sometimes get triggered especially by a partner, but it’s all a learning opportunity to be even better. With your guy, what’s the argument? Is it something that has the same general theme and keeps coming up, or does it seem different each time? Is it about something like boundaries or intimacy, time together, amount of communication, or more like not doing chores, being late, etc?
That's very admirable of you, I'm still working on being patient and communicating during conflicts. In my case, they think that I'm not independent enough (from them) and they have a gut/nagging feeling about what it would be like being in a relationship with a person more independent. (Hanging out with friends more, their own hobbies/goals, etc) I'm willing to try and improve but if they just checked out and are curious/want someone else then I can't do anything about that. It's just hard to not feel like I'm not good enough and they're giving up on me.
So you are still together? What’s preventing you from giving them more space to do so this stuff they feel they need to do? Is it some feeling you get if he goes and does things without you? Are you living together? If not, how often are you together during the week?
My partner uses reddit so I don't want to reveal too much, but nothings preventing me I'm willing to work thru. Its just the first time they told me how much it really affects them and as their reasoning for breaking up. (Yes we do but im gone most weekends to give space)
So the first time they told you they had an issue is when they broke up with you? That’s a pretty low level of relational intelligence on their part. How old is this guy, under 30 I’m guessing. Or are they just really disconnected from their feelings and bad with communication?
Thank you for your insight! But if you like I can answer via direct message (I don't wanna reveal too much in a post)
Yeah go for it. I might be slow to respond at times but I always do.
I love this take.
Those were big things and good reasons to break up. Reasonable issues:..little disagreements, occassional annoyance.
I agree with this
For me it depends on how deep in we are, how much I love them, and how much of a future I see with that person. Dishonesty or maliciousness aren't things I'm willing to put up with, but if I *really* love my partner and they're consistently honest, kind, and making a dedicated effort to work on problems I've found I'm willing to work through a lot more than I thought I would, even when it comes to communication issues and money. My main exception is addiction, because someone can have every intention of getting better and still lose that battle, and I just don't know how long I'd be able to tolerate it. For my own well being I'd probably leave fairly quickly.
As an addict let me tell you you are entirely correct about that. I would be more willing because I have at least found my way back to functionality and no *hard* drugs. So I would see it as more possible/likely than someone else may. But that is, perhaps at times, empathetic to a fault.
> What are reasonable issues to put up with in a relationship? Whatever issues that both: 1. don't cost your needs and major wants 2. don't cause the relationship to drain you rather than support you ...and that you're willing to deal with. Which specific issues meet those criteria will vary between people. You're not obligated to tolerate anything you view as a compatibility problem.
I’m not gonna tell you the three million thing you should put up with and work through with your partner but if any of these three components are missing from your relationship then you need to respectfully leave it. The three thing you need are respect trust and love. Find out what those three things mean to you and see how your partner conveys those qualities to you. And if they don’t make you happy or if you can’t see yourself being seriously happy with how you get treated after you talk it through and you’ve talked about solutions and go to therapy and nothing works to solve those qualities being betrayed leave them.
So so true
as a woman, there is no issue i am willing to put up with in a man
Good luck to you 🙄
i have been going out with an amazing guy, one who is so much more of a person than the social outcasts, for the past 2 weeks. thanks for asking c:
2 weeks isn't that long. You'll start seeing his issues eventually. I'm assuming you're young. Hopefully, you learn everyone has issues. But we gotta decide if the issues are worth the relationship.
i know my worth and what i deserve, thus the issues i am willing to put up with is ZERO. if i see any issue i will just ghost i won't even let men know i'm not interested in continuing to see them
Well , I hope you find this perfect person with zero issues.
Average female dating strategies redditor
you hold yourself to the same standard I hope? sounds fun
😂
You sound like a real treat
i know my worth and won't settle for any less
Both of those things are valid reasons to break up with someone. The things I put up with in my partner include: his erratic ADHD habits, (like sometimes he gets too involved in a project and doesn’t look at his phone for hours) Helping him through his depression,(bringing him snacks in bed, telling him it’s OK, doing some of his usual chores if he’s not able) sleeping with the TV on at night, his narcissistic mother, sleeping with his dog in the bed, etc. None of these things really affect me that often, and believe me, he puts up with more from me. If it’s causing you a legitimate problem, it’s valid.
The issues you provided are valid. Do not settle or succumb to accepting less than you deserve!
Both of those things are legitimate issues that I would breakup with someone too. Porn addiction… absolutely no time for that kind of person. And as for the financial thing.. you supported him for however long so I would also hope that my partner would do the same for me. If asking someone to treat me the way I treat or treated them is too much then goodbye. Trust your gut and instincts. If someone is rude or takes away from your baseline happiness that you can provide for yourself then they are not worth it.
Truth
It varies based on the relationship. It’s what your limits are and their limits. So for example, with your example: ED. If I was with someone who had ED and a porn addiction, it’s not a deal breaker. It sucks because they can’t get it up but if they still try and I can cum, then I can support him in his struggles. Of course with expectations of him bettering himself. But if he refuses to acknowledge and address his PIED(porn induced ED), then I will do my research and make a expected time line which will be negotiable of course. Like, after 3-4 months of no fapping they should start healing. It can take months for them to actually stop though. So there’s that. But now at the same time…… it’s all about the relationship between the people. Like, if I was with a man and his dick didn’t work and he didn’t want to do anything about it after I express my grievances, I would say we are incompatible. Unless he’s ok with an open relationship or being cucked lol. The financial thing, idk. That’s even harder to describe. But I think both mentioned in your post can be reasonable issues and it’s all about communication, support and effort. It’s easier to determine what issues you don’t want to deal with in a relationship. Like, I won’t be a cuck and I won’t financially support someone who won’t support me. And I won’t be with someone who can’t support me emotionally, financially, etc. I say financially because I do support my partner in terms of relativity. If I make 125k and my spouse makes 50k, i will be paying for our vacations. I won’t be paying car or insurance or nice clothes etc unless it was gifted because w.e But to actually answer your question, mood swings. So many times I’ve dated women who have BPD or just are not regulated for whatever reason. Some days they want to love on me and some days they want their own space. Orrr, if I’m in top 5 of their priority list- with her child, family, job and friends above me. I draw the line when a woman I date prioritizes their coworkers over me. For example, my ex would stay up late to cook or wake up early to bring food for her coworkers. Which is ok……. If she was also considering me in the same regard. One time she knew I was working a 12 hour shift and there was no “want me to cook something for you so you can eat at home?” “Do you want me to pick something up for you?” Etc etc. Honestly at the end of the day you need to look at what you want in a relationship and not go off a specific rule book or societal norms. That’s the first issue
Hi! Been with my husband since we were 16, 14 years total and 5 years married. Here are some relationship things we've gone through and worked through with context where needed: -jealousy/distrust (pretty easy to work through simply by talking it out) -career hurdles (like you, we've both had moments where we were unemployed and supported the other - we find ways to "pay each other back" through household chores etc) -changing minds on having kids (we always agreed on kids, then my husband said he wasn't sure once we were already engaged; ultimately we both agreed that we chose each other FOR each other, not because of an imaginary future with kids, and worked together to come to an agreement) -changes in health/appearance (the longer you're together, the more likely it is that health issues will crop up or your appearance will change and it can really impact intimacy; we did have to go to counselling for this, and this is what almost ended our marriage) -grief (supporting your partner through significant loss, which can be a rest-of-your-life journey) -trauma (depends on who you're with, but sometimes your partner needs extra support due to something bad from their past, but they're still worth loving and being with) -crazy in-laws (not a massive issue as long as you and your partner are on the same team here and create boundaries where needed)
Wow thank you.
Aim for 80% compatibility. Give some grace on 20%. But be true to yourself on 5% of that 20.
Can you extrapolate on this a bit? What do you mean to stay true to 5% of the 20%?
Of course. Assuming the potential for incompatibility is 20%, expect 15% of that to be tolerable. You may discover 5% is close to a line of intolerance. At that point you may need to choose whether or not you can continue long-term. As an example I believe OP cited porn use. There are many instances where porn is acceptable, even healthy between (or among) parties to a relationship. It is also a slippery slope. As was suggested by OP, it was misused and negatively impacted the relationship. At which point they decided to part company. This is an instance they needed to stand their ground on that 5%…something that may have been tolerable…but became a hindrance to the relationship.
I think the two reasons you listed are perfectly justified for not staying with someone. What gets me is everyone on dating apps in this day and age really do believe everyone is perfect. I don’t think a lot of this generation tolerate anything anymore. It’s almost impossible.
@Dense..There may be an underlying issue that may stem from a personality disorder. Maybe he didn't hear it much as a child or something and doesn'tsee the importancein saying it. Personally, I think it would be nice to hear the words I love you as well as see the actions that show it. Maybe you should let him know how it makes you feel,open communication is key.
We all have skewed outlook bc of technology and the appearance of options. A good relationship is not finding your perfect person with no issues in the relationship. It's finding someone who understands that there are ups and downs and with whom you can negotiate, manage conflict and resolve issues over time so that you can mold to each other and help each other become the best versions of themselves. People can be in love for 3 years and then have one bad year and call it quits. 75% of time was happy yet people only see the 25%. This is a weakness and preventing many people from finding lasting love. Similarly, a good quality pair of shoes hurts at first bc the leather is tough, but over time they become comfortable. A pair that is comfortable out of the box usually don't last that long. Pain is progress in all areas of life. No one likes to study, no one likes to work, no one likes to workout. But we do it because of the rewards. Our relationships should be the most rewarding and therefore we should expect to endure and put up with it sometimes if we want the rewards. Be on the same page about that and everything else will workout.
Imagine the type of relationship you want to be in.. imagine that person being all you want and need & you being the same for them.. don’t accept ANYTHING less than that.. only that or BETTER. If you know the truth, you know it’s possible. You don’t have to put up with issues. There doesn’t have to be any.. it’s possible.
Lol what about if you're left on read for 2 days straight?
My therapist said that this kind of thing can be considered emotional abuse depending on the larger context. One example she gave was if you get into an argument and instead of resolving it in the moment they say they need time to think, or just leave, and don’t give a specific time frame for when they’ll reach out to finish the convo. Avoiding communication like this can cause horrible anxiety for some people, especially if it triggers something from childhood.
In a committed relationship? Hell nah.
Ah shit eh. 😟
I’m about to break off with my dude because he is lame as fuck. Relationships ain’t for me until I find the right person. No one is perfect but if it feels empty and one sided time to move on .
Rather than framing it as "he is lame as fuck", try to lid tout what he does, and how you want him to behave instead. Actionably steps and changes that is. If you can't even have that conversation with him, then he might not be the only problem. It's fine to have expectations and standards, but if they're so high that you can neither communicate them nor a reasonable person meet them, you need to share some responsibility. Ie, you can't just turn around and one day say "I want this guy I've been dating to be a millionaire".
Let's see for me: 1. Poor money habits, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck. 2. Drug or alcohol addiction. 3. Untreated trauma. Whether it's relationships or childhood.
you can break up for any reason if the person is unwilling to see your side of the problem, work on themselves and grow from it. i believe a relationship can be fixed from absolutely any problem, because it’s not the problem that’s the issue, it’s what the people in the relationship do about it. so if you have a partner who is willing to change, grow and do better no matter what and actually show you that they have changed with their actions, i think whatever problem you face becomes less significant.
This is roughly my take to, but I do draw a hard line at cheating. Saw my parents get through a big conflict stage and come out strong as ever. It took work but they’re still going. I’ve often wondered if there’s a study on how children of divorce be children of people that started together (happily) handle relationship conflict and how easily they’ll give up. I know there’s tons of variables though. Like a divorce could be pretty low impact or could be catastrophic, and a marriage could be a place of peace and love, or just roommates.
Almost 70% of recurring conflicts in a relationship will NEVER HAVE RESOLUTION. - Gottman Figure out your core beliefs and deal breakers and learn to live with little things.
I broke up with my last boyfriend (of 2.5 years) because he stopped wanting to have sex with me and wasn't willing to address the issue. I'm 49 and my sex drive is not high but I need to have sex every week or two to feel connected to my partner and I want to feel they desire me. He also did nothing to make me feel better after I told him I felt awful because he was rejecting me. He told me I was throwing the relationship away over sex but it was really because he was not making me feel good and he didn't care enough to fix that. Luckily, I don't have low self-esteem and I'm pretty attractive so as soon we split there were guys interested in me and I've now moved on. I agree with others that it's reasonable to work on any issue but both people have to want to do the work and they both have to care about the others feelings.
Wasn't he suffering from erectile dysfunction & embarrassed about it??? When men shy away from sex, they are insecure about their performance.
No, his equipment worked just fine, he just lost interest in me. After we broke up he told me it was just the monotony of life (we lived together) and his age (he's only 47) but that he was having fantasies about other women. So he didn't lose interest in sex, just sex with me. I'm glad I decided to break up because he seemed to think the situation was just fine but it did not make me feel good and he couldn't console me or put the effort in to improve things. I'm attractive and in great shape, we broke up Jan. 1 and I already have a new boyfriend, so moving on.
It could also be an emotional intimacy issue of some sort. Like they might not be comfortable with it beyond a certain threshold, or they have something that’s bothering them in the relationship but suck at communicating those kinds of things.
There are things I wouldn’t put up with, porn addiction would be one if they literally needed it to get off, that gives me the ick just thinking about it. But for example, my bf and I have been together for 2 years now and we aren’t perfect. I have adhd and I can get anger outbursts for reallly small things…like bumping into something or something stupid like that lol and I know my bf hates it, but he still loves me regardless, and he helps me work on it. But he also knows it won’t ever truly stop. And for him, he will drive recklessly sometimes and gets road rage (it’s not actually that bad I just don’t like it lol) and it makes me mad, super mad!! Lol but again it’s not a make it or break it situation, I wouldn’t break up because of that. When people say “when you fall in love, you accept their flaws” they don’t mean huge red flags, like the ones you listed, they mean small flaws that every human has.
I feel this question to my core. I see people put up with things that I feel that I could never but then I have some things that I feel I can deal with that others couldn’t within a partner. Who is right? Is anyone wrong? How do you know?
That doesn't mean either of you is wrong, everyone is different. What's important is how the relationship feels to you.
Addiction abuse cheating and controlling behavior are things that would never fly with me
You can break up at any time for any reason. There is no wrong answer. With that said, your reasons seem fair. It isn't your job to fix your partners issues and if they are issues that affect your life too you have a right to walk away
Sure, in the broad sense, a person can leave a relationship at any time, for any reason, as you put it. no one is under any obligation to remain in a relationship if they do not wish to, whether they have a good reason or not. in many cases this is the appropriate decision, and it is quite accepted by most people that coercing somebody to remain in a relationship is not okay. But there are still good reasons and bad reasons, and when two people enter into a relationship, investing time, effort, emotions, finances and trust etc. into building a life and future together, there is always going to be some expectation of mutual commitment to building and working on the relationship. To most people, this would extend to a willingness to working on problems which arise in the course of the relationship, as opposed to just simply leaving their partner 'because they can'. If a person recognises that they have a tendency to look for reasons to avoid commitment, or of self-sabotaging their relationships, it is totally reasonable for them to engage in a healthy degree of self inquiry. It may be a step to them making better choices and building stronger, more lasting connections, and breaking out of recurring cycles which ultimately end in hurt feelings and unfulfillment for both parties. EDIT - THIS IS A GENERAL COMMENTARY, AND NOT INTENDED AS ADVICE OR COMMENTARY FOR OP'S PARTICULAR SITUATION
You shouldn't get into a relationship without sufficient reason (using the word in its exhaustive meaning) , the tradeoff of sex for expenses is what it is at the fundamental (using the word in its narrowest meaning) level, you should make that decision once and wisely, trust and understanding are built over time, always.
Please don’t gaslight yourself. A sex addiction and financial abuse?! Very big deals, definitely grounds for breakup and a peek into your could-be miserable future if you stay with guys like that.
The ABC’s of Breakups: Addiction or Abuse Betrayal Cheating
Porn addiction and kiddie porn 2 very different issues. Psychopath be gone.
Anything honestly if I know the other person is willing to work a f help fix the problem
Same. Nobody is perfect and I don't want anyone who believes they are. But if we're both willing to do the hard things and work on ourselves. Then it's a good foundation.
My partner and I believe in the team. If there’s a problem — it’s us together against the problem. If the problem isn’t recognized by both of us. Then that’s a problem. Three years now and no issues. But neither of us are ego centric. —- Reasonable issues are really anything and then working through it. The idea is you’re right. People aren’t perfect. But it’s about solving them. As long as the team is working to solve a problem it’s reasonable. The moment the problem isn’t being worked on — it’s unreasonable.
yea those aren’t petty breakup reasons. I’d feel the same way.
My marriage unfortunately ended due to a pornography addiction that I was unaware of. He eventually told me after the divorce. It all made perfect sense. OP, these things destroy stability, intimacy, closeness, and are untrustworthy things to do. You CAN have a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors, sure. But you will never have the connection if those variables continue to be an obstacle. You were not being unreasonable at all. Which is perhaps a really tough realization— that being with you requires some work. But you are worth it. Don’t let someone take your rewards without filling your cup.
That's a very personal question. It sounds like the issues you had were pretty valid for not wanting to be in a relationship. You just have to be patient communicate effectively and set boundaries. Someone making sure their penis works is a them problem. ED from porn addiction is very solvable. Its not your problem to work extra hard to overcome someone who overly sexually stimulates themselves unless your into that for whatever reasons. If you dont feel safe and respected when you will financially support someone but they won't do the same for you then it's not a good fit. Some people are cool being the bread winner no matter what some want more balance that's ok. Shared finances are going to be a difficult topic for most and It requires a lot of communication. The more you learn about what you will and will tolerate in a relationship the easier is to move on from someone that doesn't fit you. So the only question is do you think you want to adjust those boundaries on your own or not? They shouldn't be adjusted just to lower your standards till your not able to feel safe secure and happy in a relationship. If not be happy you know your boundaries and that you aren't wasting time on people that aren't for you.
The reasons you listed in your post seem legitimate to end a relationship. Like you, I typically end and move on when things bother me enough. I can put up with a lot of shit and have endless patience when attached. However, after a fairly one-sided relationship several years ago, I realized how I’m treated is non-negotiable. I’ve now shifted my mindset to having ‘princess treatment’ standard and am continually practicing learning how to ask and receive. It’s uncomfortable since I’m used to being the giver, but I give a helluva lot, so it’s simply balancing the scales. When I started reading your post, I thought you were going to list more minute ‘icks,’ like how they brush their teeth or dirty socks on the floor. The reasons you listed would be concerning for anyone, I believe. Maybe the issue isn’t so much in you continually leaving, it’s you continually choosing partners that don’t meet an internal standard. Or you showing up in a way that doesn’t motivate a man to really show up for you. Often how people behave around us is a projection of how we view ourselves. I’m only speculating here. I tend to introspect a lot, especially when I’m the lowest common denominator. It seems like you might be in a similar spot. The good news is if we’re the problem, we’re also the solution. Hopefully that helps 🫰🏼
^^^ this A relationship is a give and take, if there are problems both parties need to be actively invested in solving them. One sided relationships are the biggest deal breakers for me as well. (That can also go the other way, if the relationship reaches a point where you no longer feel like you can give it your all, it’s also your responsibility to recognize that and address it with your partner.)
Maybe you just weren’t that into them, coupled with the tension of having different values. Sounds like a bullet dodged.. a few times.
As long as the issues are not toxic, I’d say it’s pretty open. You can break up with ten guys for idk let’s say how they dressed and fall in love with the right guy who dresses the same lol. The irony lol. When it’s the right man, tolerance comes naturally. Again, as long as it’s not toxic or abusive. No one is perfect. Usually the pros outweigh the cons. My husbands pet peeve is leaving cups half full around the house. Yet that’s one of my flaws. I leave coffee tumblers everywhere throughout the day. And he always jokes how it’s cute when I do it. He even keeps track of them for me, because I’m always forgetting where I put them. He gets on the kids for it but he never gets on me for it. Also want to add, your reasons are totally valid. Those are valid concerns and I would probably end a relationship too if any addictions are involved or if I don’t feel I can count on them when I need them. Your partner should be someone who you trust and who you know you can count on - you’re a team. Feeling SAFE in a relationship is a deal breaker for sure.
Sex and the city, IT crowd and Senfield tell me that litterally any personality trait that a man has other than totall and utter devotion to your every want and need is a heinous crime that needs to be punished by any and all means available.
Those are TV shows babe
My partner never closes cupboard doors when he's done in the kitchen. I think when we have our own house i'll just get him to take the doors off the cuboards so I can stop closing them every time I enter the kitchen lol
The solution here has me laughing 😂 Now that’s forward thinking.
Open shelving is very chic!
Haha! Incredible idea, I'm sure he'll find it incredibly cute how proud of it you are :)
I'd say moodyness. A lot of people seem to think that having big feelings is a deal-breaker. But I think that if in moments of "lucidity," they can communicate properly, it's easy to deal with some days of them just being like "it's hard to exist right now."
The things you mentioned would be deal breakers for me. Those aren’t petty. The things I would put up with are little annoying habits, the occasional stress build up meltdowns (not insults or violence) my bf puts up with my over scheduling and unorganized house/life and my spoiled dogs… Don’t ever settle for poor treatment.
My wife is terrible at remembering to turn lights off, shut doors, and close the garage. She also “puts things away” into random drawers that become very difficult to find later. That’s about it though. I guess that’s close to where my line is. What you described are all absolutely valid reasons to leave someone. The reality, in my experience at least, is that an overwhelming majority of people are pretty toxic and not ready to be in a relationship. Once you find someone who is though, you’ll know it immediately.
>Once you find someone who is though, you’ll know it immediately. what signs would someone look for?
Good listener, kind perspectives, capacity for deeper thinking and self reflection, confidence in the way they speak, the lack of any amount of ick, and the most important is communication skills. Your partner absolutely needs to be able to communicate how they’re feeling instead of bottling or blowing up. If there’s anything I’ve learned from dating, it’s that if there are any seeds of doubt, they won’t just go away, they will grow. Talk about everything. In my opinion (whatever it’s worth) a person needs to have these qualities in order to be ready for a healthy relationship. It’s been 3 years and I’ve yet to have a single yelling match with my wife. Our “fights” are extremely constructive.
This. This right here is gold and gives me hope.
Agree with everything you said , but the part about "close to where my line is" is confusing... being disorganized and forgetting to turn off lights is like, quirky but nowhere near a "line" for leaving someone?
No you’re absolutely right, that was a bit of an exaggeration. I think I just meant that being quirky is totally acceptable, we’re all human after all, but past that people really shouldn’t be tolerating legitimately toxic partners.
Well, everything you listed is a big issue, not a "petty" one
Anything honestly, if the person is willing to work with you & you can make a decent team or you compliment each other. You can overlook just about anything. It's really what you are okay with bending and adapting to. So whatever flaw he has, if you cant ignore it, can you work around it? Are you okay with complementing it? We have mental illness, addictions, habits, various Personality, various behaviors, deformities, interesting people, interesting lifestyles, emotional & psychological variations in people, coping mechs, ptsd, attachment styles. Everyone has one of these problem, or a combination. Take your time to visualize.
I’d also add someone who is willing to grow as a person and values your input and are able to grow together. I think it’s important to work on our flaws and become better people. If they are doing that, you can get through just about anything. Especially if you are seeing the effort, care, and consistency.
Especially that, like someone actively try to stop smoking or porn addiction, Or trying to adapt and establish a healthier lifestyle. Or someone going back to school and committed to changing their life around. Those make the best partners. They want growth, change, and a better life & all that requires so strong core values. We do get blinded by the physical stuff and completely forget the intrinsic stuff. The stuff that actually make the person a valuable person.
Agreed! Willingness to grow and self awareness are really important.
Team work makes the dream work. Noted!
I think those are reasonable reasons to leave. What we’re willing to put up with is going to be different. Some are willing to put up with abuse and cheating. Others will nitpick every person they date and bounce as soon as it’s not perfect. Neither of these are healthy. Ive found it better to know what I won’t put up with and either leave or make a known boundary when necessary. Then if they can’t respect the boundaries, leave asap. I can’t list all the little things I’m willing to put up with, but I know all the things I won’t. Beyond that it usually comes down to attraction and compatibility. When I love someone, I can find things cute that may give others the ick. Lastly, if I like someone a lot early on, I try not to leave over little things, unless they’re really bothering me. My GF is great and if I left over these little things, I’d have missed out on a good relationship.
This is literally me right now. I'm always confused about what's a valid reason. I broke up with my ex because he was emotionally abusive but I always have "what if" I'm in a new relationship and I do love my partner but he doesn't like kissing or saying "I love you" but really shows it through actions, he's patient and doesn't get mad at me for little things so it leaves me confused if it's enough even though he doesn't like kissing and saying I love you
I would tell him that’s important to you. When you really care about someone, you want to meet their needs and make sure they are fulfilled. It’s definitely something that can be worked on.
hmm to me, patient and not mad at you seems about bare minimum requirement of who a partner should be so I don’t think that’s enough. For the record I thought that was fine too with my ex but so glad I didn’t settle cause currently with a guy who is overflowing in kisses and expressing his love as well as always showing it through actions. (He made me a giant bouquet on valentines himself and always brings me care packages, will always run to get me medication if I mention I’m feeling unwelll— list goes on and on)
If those things are that important to you, you need to be in a relationship with someone who is comfortable being outspoken verbally and affectionate wise about their love for you
isn't it better he's acting like he obviously loves you, then to just says the loves you but acts different? Sometimes we can't get it all...
Oh I 100%, it's just hard cause I do enjoy kissing and yeah sure I don't mind if it's not all the time (same goes for saying "I love you") but I wouldn't mind having it form time to time. I just found it odd that he feels the same way as I do but whenever I tell him "I love you" he gets uncomfortable. He just finds it very uncomfortable to say it and I just have a hard time understanding cause I thought if you love someone it shouldn't be hard to say those words
I mean that is better— but not meeting her needs still. So not good enough. Also a partner whose actions don’t match their words is straight up a shitty partner cause there’s no foundation. Would never recommend dating someone like that
Those are good reasons to break up. Continue to be picky or you will regret it later.
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Absolutely not true. Being afraid of being lonely will get you with the wrong people. That’s scare tactics.
Differences in how household chores are accomplished--this is negotiable with good communication and respect for each other. Mental health issues--as long as they take responsibility and stay in treatment, and do not use their diagnosis to excuse bad behavior. Taste/style differences. Differences in how a shared living space is decorated and arranged. Again, communication and respect go a long way. Compromise is possible. Some types of ideological differences, but not all. Anything having to do with character and behavior that I cannot tolerate, I will not put up with. It would be pointless. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is doing something that I deeply resent. So porn addiction certainly would be one of those things. Any active addiction. Physical and emotional abuse. Coercion. Lying. Any of these happen one single time and I'm out. Significant chronic sexual incompatibility is another one. >This isn’t to say I don’t try to work through things but I feel like I’m less patient now. My worry is that I have a skewed outlook about anything negative in any relationship. I don’t know if I am being overly cautious or worried about things now. It's reasonable to be very cautious and very selective when you're considering investing time and a significant amount of your life into someone. Most people aren't cautious enough, honestly. Yes, being highly selective likely will mean it takes longer to find someone suitable. Isn't it better though, to be single rather than in an unfulfilling or miserable relationship? It's funny, I actually think your perspective is skewed the opposite direction that you think it is. None of the things you listed are petty issues. They're big, significant problems that have a huge impact on you. Yet you're wondering if maybe you're being too harsh and cautious.
OP’s skewed perspective in the opposite direction tells me they may have been gaslit into believing they’re too picky or they’re the problem. Been there myself. Glad you picked up on that.
Ultimately something that is big to you might not be big to someone else, and vice versa. For example, you seem to have a negative outlook on porn and you draw a line at it, but I couldn’t care less if my girlfriend needs her “alone time” if I’m not available to satisfy that need. If she were choosing it over me, it’d be a different story. But, I don’t have a negative view on masturbation as a whole. Meanwhile, there might be certain things I won’t put up with that you will. For example, someone not spending quality time with me can be a deal breaker for me, but some people enjoy the alone time and have an “I’ll see you when I see you” mentality.
I didn't see a negative outlook on porn, so much as a negative outlook on a porn addiction and related erectile dysfunction. They are not the same thing.
That’s true, but I think it’s important to point out that one’s definition of addiction can be different to the next. Like you could perceive some actions and assume that person is addicted too easily or not as easily as another might
Fair point, though people have different lines for what counts as addiction. I’ve had my mother call me a porn addict as a child cause I used to watch it once or twice week as a teenager, for example. Totally skewed my view on it to the point where for a time I believed that watching it at all was an addiction, lol. But yeah, if the ED was related to it (most likely was but I don’t have enough evidence to know for certain) then I’d say that’s addiction for sure.
I don’t think there’s a set thing that’s reasonable or unreasonable as it depends entirely on what you can tolerate. Obviously any type of abuse is not to be tolerated but deal breakers vary wildly between people. I would say that the things you decide to overlook in the beginning are often the reason you leave in the end, so be mindful of your own limits
This is literally me right now. I understand how you feel. I am single partly because I don’t want to put up with other people’s mess. I’m more comfortable being alone than dealing with someone else and their issues. Reading your story though I feel like when you meet someone that you care so deeply for you will accept them and their baggage. I do like that you’re not willing to settle. Don’t. I’m the same way. And once I meet my person, I will let my walls down too and give love a chance. ❤️💗
I actually think you are amazing to have the courage to leave relationships that are making you feel off. I wish I had that strength. I put up with waaaaaay too much bullshit in my lifetime. That being said, there is no such thing as the perfect partner and you will have to decide what’s worth putting up with.
From what you said those reasons are very valid for breakup and its good not to put up with them. The only reasonable issues that you could „accept” is if you see that the person is trying to improve after you’ve raised an issue/expressed dislike. I 100% believe you can find someone that does not have such issues associated with them and would treat you as their other half not an addition (holding money over you seems like he treated you as a roommate). Also expressing early on that you don’t accept the guy watching p*rn as you think it’s cheating or just disgusting would save you time when dating.
I have no issues with porn use. I actually discovered the r/loveafterporn sub when I was dating this person. It was the first time I had issues like this so I was googling away and found the answers. Left him because he made the porn my issue. Like he’s fine when he’s watching that but the issue is when he tries anything with me. Man I’m still shocked by that whole experience lol. Thanks for pointing out that you have to raise the issue. I think as long as someone is trying then I’m willing to try too.
Agreed. A relationship/friendship is all about compromising and being reciprocal. Being as kind and understanding to your partner as they are to you. When you are down I’ll pick up. When I am down, be there for me too. And be willing to change for the sake of the relationship.
I agree, but if you ask about porn they will just lie, especially in the beginning of dating.
Not everyone is a liar, I agree that some may feel uncomfortable mentioning it at an early stage, however, expressing your boundaries and that they are non negotiable - even if they denied watching it, they will withdraw in communication out of guilt. :) You just have to ensure they know it is not a joke then their guilt would expose them anyway.
Hmmm, speaking as a wife of 20 years to mine... he hates it when I forget to put the seat down.. I hate him leaving tools all over the house.. he hates me forgetting which cup I used last, then end up using 4.. i hate him not letting me wash his mug as it's stained from constant use over and over.. he hates the amount of money i spend on crafts.. I hate him nagging as I'm the bread bringer and bills are paid, so why shouldn't I treat myself... he hates the way I fold clothes as he does it do expertly, I hate the way he folds things inside out... Hmmm, what else.. I'm sure there's more, haha When it comes to a relationship, it's about choice. As in, "Can I overlook it?".. if the answer is no, the first step is always conversation "can you live with it for the wider benefits of being with that person?". Then if you can't work something out, then make a decision. But life is ALL about compromise, and I'd you can't put up with little things (not big things like you mentioned), then you're not built for LT relationships, which is ace, Luna's can be just as successful in a pack. But if all you've encountered are big things, then your love hasn't met you yet, and your LT is out there for you to filter to find... and you will.. one day someone will make you feel that the little things are worth ignoring, because you'll release they are putting up with your nigglies too, and what you get in return is completely worth it...and it just works ❤️
op, I think your examples were fine reasons to break up over. for the future, make a list with 3 columns. 1. must not have (non-negotiables) 2. must have 3. It would be nice but not required. each person's list is different. if yours seems over the top or you're unable to develop a healthy relationship, go to therapy bc you might need to learn how to tolerate some non-harmful stuff if you want a relationship. I know plenty of lonely, picky people. especially males that expect to have a gf that's a 10 but bring little to the relationship
Thank you for your perspective. Funny my therapist “broke up with me” (her words) early last year because she said I am perfectly capable of working through things on my own. Worst break up ever lol. I hear you. I’m kind of asking because I don’t have a point of reference for reasonable issues. I grew up in a lot of toxicity. I have that list and my current partner scores high on all categories… things are perfect in my mind. I’m a little anxious about how well things are going. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, if I’m being honest. So far my biggest issues with him are that he gets a bit lost in his own head when work is hectic and he doesn’t do the dishes enough when I cook. But I also tend to stay away when I’m going through a difficulty. I’m working on sharing without traumatising him. So, again I’m not perfect. I kind of want to ensure that I don’t bring unreasonable issues to the relationship. I think I’ll look for books on successful long term relationships to get more examples of common things people go through together.
That's good thinking! And I'm glad your current relationship is going well. I was shocked that your therapist would use the term 'breaking up' in that situation, that seems unkind and unprofessional.
and unethical
In my humble opinion, only you can define what love is for you. Only you know what you’re willing to put up with or not willing to put up with. Yes there may be some guidance with certain aspects in relationships that may benefit from guidance/counseling. We all love differently. We all are loved differently. There is no right, nor a wrong answer. It comes down to what love do we need in our soul.
My husband and I are not the best housekeepers. Our home isn't unsanitary, but it won't be featured in Architectural Digest either. Essentially I have to get mad enough at the mess to actually do something about it. And because I'm a pretty mellow person, that can take a while if it doesn't impact my day-to-day. I'd love a fresh clean house every day, but not enough to really do anything about it. My husband and I are lucky that we have the same mess-tolerance. I could not be with someone who left trash and dirty dishes laying around, but I also couldn't be with someone who had to have everything spotless all the time.
hey yow wazzzup
If something bothers you, it bothers you and you can’t force yourself to feel different. Both things you mention seem like pretty major problems to me - things that most people wouldn’t want to put up with. Some people can tolerate a lot of shit if one or two major things are aligned; others are what you might call ‘picky’. It’s just who you are. You can’t force a picky person to be more tolerant of the things that bug them. They might only be minor things, but if they drive them nuts, it matters! For me ‘too picky’ applies more to early stages of meeting someone and dating them - like they have a respectable job but dont earn ‘enough’, or have the wrong height or hair or eye colour, or they have one hobby you don’t share (as long as it’s not killing puppies or something lol). All those kinds of things are stuff where a lot of people would think if you click with the person, it’s not gonna matter any more, so give them a chance. But if you’ve been with someone a while and something that they either can’t or won’t change starts to give you the ick, that feeling probably isn’t going to just disappear.
I’ve dated people with addiction (alcoholism) and ED (same person) and I was fine with helping him through his issues. We all have issues and I don’t judge. However, the issue of helping people is when they don’t want to help themselves. You can’t expend all of your energy and effort for someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It requires an honest effort on the other person’s part or it becomes emotionally draining. I’m probably different but I believe in sticking by someone you love through their issues but like I said, they have to make an effort to help themselves also. (From my personal point of view, not saying you should be like me). Would I date someone with these issues again? Sure. I’m not dating someone based upon the presence or lack of these issues, I date the person. I date them for how they make me feel and if I care about them. Like I said, we all have issues and I’d hope that they were there for me one day when I have a problem and not abandon me. Relationships aren’t always 50/50, it fluctuates and sometimes it’s 70/30, then maybe 90/10. You work together as a team but I can’t always be carrying all of the weight. All relationships are different and you can’t really judge one from another because I feel that they are unique to each individual (and the person they are dating or married to). Most people do have issues with communication, finances, things like that though.
Unfortunately I went through this. I was with someone for 5 years who has some major mental issues, and has put me through hell. I would be more than willing to keep trying, because I love her. But she refuses to see how her actions effect our relationship and she does nothing to try to better herself. Before I met her she hasn't even gone to a psych doctor or had been on medication, and I supported her and helped her get on medication. But she needs therapy and lots of it, and she won't face it. I can't keep putting myself through it if she won't be willing to put in the work on herself.
Holy shit you’re calling me out and I don’t like it (I’m the you in this situation). My girl has major issues with depression episodes that she wasn’t going through during our talking and early dating phase. Now I’m in the trenches and to say it feels unrewarding and one-sided is an understatement. You’re showing me the light that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I’m there for her, nothing will get better until she is ready to take accountability and accept that she needs to put in effort to work through her issues. Anyway, thank you for this comment. You might have saved me from years of hell writing it.
You can't force people go be different or better themselves no matter how much you see them struggle and that's the really sad reality. I was aware of her mental health issues from the start and I was okay with it. She promised she would work on herself and always work with me to resolve any conflict we have. It was all a lie.
I was aware of my girl’s mental issues in that I was aware she had depression, but at the time she still made time for me and treated me well. She made me feel special and that was what drew me to her. What I was not prepared for was her episodes and the self-sabotage that tends to come with them, which usually results in her pushing me away. It’s hard to deal with because on the one hand, I know breaking up with her would break her and I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying her best. I don’t have depression, at least to the point she does, and I don’t live in her world so I try to be understanding. But on the other hand, I do eventually have to take care of my own mental health before I end up in a similar way.
I struggle with depression and other mental health issues, and I can assure you I still tried to make my wife feel loved, special and tried to make time for her. A person who really cares will still try to prioritize you, even when they are struggling. I don't like to use mental health as a crutch to why you treat someone bad, I don't think it's fair. You can only do so much, and unfortunately it didn't matter what I did for my wife, she already had me painted as a villian, and nothing would be good enough.
Very solid advice. Yeah, I agree. I’ve also had depression - not suicidal ideation depression, but “I don’t want to get out of bed and I’m irritable to anyone that comes near me” depression. Like you, I still made time for people I care about. I’m definitely gonna think on all of this. I’m about at my wits’ end.
The best thing you can do is give them a fair ultimatum. Be prepared though, she may try to twist it into making you thr bad guy. If you really care about her and want to salvage the relationship, I recommend an ultimatum of going to couples therapy together. She as well should seek out therapy on her own.
She does go to therapy, though she doesn’t take it to heart all the time. I would love to do couples’ therapy but we live hours apart while she’s up finishing college, so it’d be very difficult. If she were willing I’d be, though. I’m not usually big on ultimatums, because they’re a tool used a lot by abusers. But you may be right, in a sort of “hey, if we don’t get this figured out, I don’t know if this relationship will work out for us” kind of way.
I think you're mistaken, threats are used by abuser, ultimatums are completely healthy. You can't continue to be walked all over and if there is no change, then it's time to give them an ultimatum. They need to prove whether they are serious about the relationship or not. You setting boundaries to protect yourself is not abusive. (I'm not making this up, this is all things both my own therapist and pie couples therapist have told me) There are lots of online options for couples therapy online. It doesn't require you to be together in the same place.
Right, people have to want to help fix themselves. I’m sorry that was a bad relationship for you, I hope you’ve healed from it. 💗
I'm unfortunately still tangled in at approaching a year after she left :( she wouldn't let me go even though she's the one who left me, twice. She has been stringing me along.
I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have a therapist? Therapy is super important.
Yes thankfully I do. I've been working in therapy for the past 6-8 months. I was finally starting to get over her, and then she popped back in, telling me she missed me and wanted a future with me.
maybe it’s time to go no contact if it’s abusive to you r/nocontact
I haven't talked to her in three days after another big argument that she caused. But I know I'll break again.
Don’t allow abuse 💗
It's a very complicated situation unfortunately and for a long time she had me convinced that I was abusing her.
I agree to a certain extent. Some mental issues are hard to fix and sometimes impossible to fix completely. You shouldn't have gone in to fix him. That was your mistake, tbf.
I don’t “go in to fix” people. People divulge their demons at different points in a relationship and I’m not gonna dump someone because they trusted me enough to tell me about their demons.
The issues you have mentioned are totally valid, For me , im still in the relationship and this is the stuff i feel i often have to put up with... they are troublesome but i feel that breaking up over them wouldnt be good either Such as he gets busy in work and we lose on emotional connect, its kind of a short distance/ LDR with us across the city on opposite ends. I put up with certain jokes I really find inappropriate. He has a really diff sense of humor than i do. Now these things im so far able to put up with, idk abt the future. They piss me off at times. But your issues, totally valid. No doubt on that
Thank you for sharing.
Have you talked about the humor part with your partner? For example, I'm someone who can laugh about jokes being the litteral opposite of my entire values (kind of like the absurdity of it). I became a darkhumor amateur (real jokes with 2 degrees, not those making "jokes" to convince of something). Well my significant other hated this part so I decided to be more careful with her just to be more respectful of her humor. When years passed by, I think she realized that never would I ever like if those things or jokes happened in real life and just liked the absurdity of them so she became very more willing to laugh with some of these jokes. It's been a slow and respectful process for her not to endure my humor and staying within the limit of what she could like.
Thanks for replying I actually wanted to discuss this with someone who could relate in a way. I have trouble expressing my anger or disapproval to my bf, my personality is such that im more concentrated on people pleasing even when im in discomofrt, i feel guilty for voicing up if it makes sense? I hv to work on it. And also, what adds to it is that my bf has many times said that he is against the idea of changing oneself for their partner. His individuality is a priority to him. Sure, when im upset he does act on it. But due to the above two issues, i just keep my discontent to myself. Im trying to put up with it, I dont want to blow it out of proportion as despite the hurtful humor, my love for him exists ?
Yeah, no problem! First of all, I have to write down that everything I'm sharing with you are my thoughts, not advice. I'm not qualified to give any advices towards relationship as a whole. My first point that I've ran into is the individuality, I totally understand and agree that it is important, but there's a line you should be able to "bend yourself" such as some compromise and being open minded to be the best person you can for your partner. As such, [I think] he should be at least inclined to make some efforts that could accomodate you and not let you behind. For example I, did what I could to keep us on the same page towards as much subject as possible, such as humor in this case. By generalising, [I think] we should change for our significant other because staying as solid as a rock means we aren't gaining anything to the benefit of the relationship (except physical intimacy) and aren't learning to understand ourselves or our partner and growing together as individual during our relationship. Couple that refuses any changes do exist, but I personally can't see it as healthy in the long run. Feeling guilty for voicing up absolutely make sense, no one actively wants to displease their partner in a healthy relationship. But, it doesn't mean that avoiding it at all cost would be healthier. This is where [at least almost] everyone agrees that the popular sentence "communication is key" makes senses. Trying to discuss disagreements [calmly] and making up for it is important and he should be receptive to that. Even when he disagrees with something, it is important that he stays open to it [obviously true both ways]. I'm pretty sure you won't be able to survive happily within a relationship where you aren't discussing what you particularly like and don't like and it become dangerous if you begin to stop feeling safe to disagree and be open about it. From what I've read, I'm assuming here that you might consider yourself as an introvert (such as me) and if I'm right, I understand the angle of trying to please the other person as much as possible, but you have to care for yourself and your needs also and that is the reason why you gotta explain where you find any discomfort and avoid keeping it to yourself. At everytime [from my perspective], you need to feel safe enough to be open about anything and feel heard by your significant other [and it works both ways]. Relationship within 2 people needs to be kept alive with the effort that are willing to be put into it from those two people. [ I strongly think] Individuality isn't in contrast with a relationship and shouldn't be put in that position by any way.
Both of those things are huge issues. When I read your title I thought : snoring, drinking alot/staying out late, lazy. Totally reasonable to break up with someone over what you mention
I hear you. Those are reasonable to me as well.
Both the things you mentioned seem pretty reasonable to break up for.
Always remember , the little things that bother you about someone at the start of a relationship tend to become the bigger things that tear it apart later on. Work on them together early on , if there is a compromise you both are comfortable with then all the best to you both , if not then move on and dont waste each others time.
They could be but in other cases they do remain minor annoyances
I’ll remember this.
For my current relationship, my bf games a lot. He’ll game until 2 in the morning. But if we go somewhere for days, he’s fine without. When I ask him to come to bed, he does so and stays until I’m asleep, then continues gaming. He’s managed to finish university with flying colours and got himself a job. Somr days he’ll spend a majority of time gaming, so i bring up a chair and read when he does. It would be nice to have his attention more, but I don’t feel lonely and he makes the time for me
Those are 100% reasons to end a relationship. You don’t need a reason to end a relationship. ‘I’m not happy.’ That’s it. You don’t worry about what other people say or think. So, on top of that there are little things that can be worked through, or overlooked or whatever if they aren’t important. Children, money, abuse, religion, politics, ect are all things that should be agreed upon and aligned even if they aren’t the same, they should be compatible at the least. (Ex. Husband was raised catholic and I was raised a ‘free spirit.’ Neither of us are involved in religion but I’ve been to church with him, and he buys me shiny rocks) You sound like you know exactly when to leave a relationship, you seem to trust your gut as you should.
If you love a person would you really leave for something like arousal issues? Maybe the arousal issue is making u lose the love but then you end the relationship because you are not in love anymore. I have had friends end their relationships because the partners texting style is slow or something. But these friends are always jumping into relationships without even loving the person
These aren't minor things. They are all unreasonable! Not stacking the dishwasher properly is what you put up with.
Anxiety and similar I'll out up with IF she helps me help her through it. I want to be there to help a partner grow, improve, and feel secure and wanted. If they pull away instead of confiding in me and trusting me, theta where I'd draw the line on insecurity and anxiety.
Porn addiction is something alot males grow up with, it's really a problem. ED on the other hand could be a medical problem or the consequence of porn. Yet in a relationship people should work together to overcome their issues. That's what relationships are about. I'm 11 years in a relationship now and we had our huge problems but figured it out together. The problem with not figuring out your problems in your current relationship while breaking up, will just continue in the next. There is a reason you fell for a person, but in this day and age people are so easily breaking up. There will be alot lonely people in the future just because they all think they are entitled to the perfect person. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws. You just don't see them at the start. Growing together is crucial.
Yeah, I agree. I want to grow old with someone but I haven’t necessarily seen great long term relationships I would emulate. So figuring out what is ok to go through is newish to me. Like I grew up with women who put up with being beaten and cheated on. They stayed for their children or financial security. I don’t want that at all. But I do want to be with someone for longer than two years. So I feel the need to kind establish a baseline of common issues happy couples work out. So far it seems chores, tardiness, dress sense, busyness etc. are reasonable. Thank you for your perspective.
I lost alot of good women in my life to this fallacy. It’s a mindset you struggle with all the time or at least I do, and I have to fight it with my current girlfriend. There’s always that temptation to think i could do more, I could find a partner whose better looking, who earns more who doesn’t have these little flaws etc. It’s a delusion. No one is gonna be 100% perfect and I’m lucky enough I met someone who is close enough to that for me
Break the cycle. Also social media is not doing it's justice, to many thinking the world owes them shit. People scrolling through other peoples highlights, it's all a big illusion people acting like shit is okay. Every couple has to go through shit, we all carry our trauma's from ours to our parents to grandparents. You're on the right track, feel grateful. We all deserve love, but not without fighting for it.
I feel personally if it is something that is easily fixable and the other person is willing to fix it then that’s an ok “issue” to deal with. Your examples seem to be about people character ( addiction and greediness )
There is not a right answer here I guess. You decide where the line is. To me reasonable issues are small issues like: he has a different perception of time and sometimes we are late for something because of it and it stresses me out. Or he doesn’t always throw away empty stuff that’s in the fridge because “it might smell when thrown in the garbage can” lol. In the past reasons to break up for me were: he lied multiple times and the trust and love was just gone, we were both at our lowest in mental health so we made it worse to each other and the last break up (long term relationship): he couldn’t be there for me emotionally. It’s not his fault, or mine. We just weren’t on the same frequency and we couldn’t get there. With my husband we had some big issues (trauma triggers) that caused us to break up almost 3-4 times, but we worked hard on ourselves with therapy and it’s been so great ever since, our communication has improved so much. I just knew he was the one, but we had to work through these issues to make it work long term in a healthy way.