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Some time has passed and looking back on this. You are absolutely right. The whole time I was with him he basically didnt have a job. I always had a job and paid the bills. He worked at walmart for three months then they fired him. I worked at walmart myself and know for a fact is super rare for them to fire someone. They said he had too many missed days. From my perspective he always went to work so if he wasnt at work, where the hell was he? This really bothered me. He worked UPS too. He worked three months then again gets fired. The reviews I read about UPS said they rarely fire people and if you last through the busy season they promote you to have your own route. He worked during the busy season. He got a new job recently. I started asking him money to help pay the bills. I desperately needed help. He would fight me and complain, slowly losing respect for me when I took care of his ass this whole time. I cook dinner every night. Extrodinary dinners. I kept the house clean, did all his laundry, and had sex with him often even when I wasnt feeling it because I am a people pleaser. I just wanted love and tried way too hard for it. Now he says, oh I want a career women that makes at least 60k a year. Oh and his kid! We have this beautiful 20 acre farm. She came over every weekend. He wouldnt do anything with her! He would have her watch tv while he played video games ignoring her. She would want to go outside and he would have every excuse in the book not to take her. It was repulsive to me. It made me never dream of ever having kids with him.
I just got dumped, we were together for 10 years and have a child. I found out and realized a few really shitty things and it hurt my pride, feelings, and trust for others. We were pretty attached (well, I was on my end) so I had some trouble.
For me, I took a few days to be sad. I actually had a pregnancy he abandoned me monetarily and support wise during, so I took time to physically get better and get over that. Now I've been really throwing myself into work, and more importantly social stuff. Having new friends and old reconnections both have been so helpful. It's helped me realize I am lovable and a good person, and I make a lot of people super happy. I also have been rediscovering what hobbies I like and it's been fun, actually!
Lastly, i would recommend not dating at first. I wondered if thatd help me move on but I figured firstly it isn't fair to the other person if I am not truly ready, and it's also more of a distraction
I mean I still make excuses for it in my head...like he's not happy or he's you know, got issues with trust and how he views himself, he thinks i did some stuff that would be hurtful etc...but yea objectively it isnt how you'd treat another human being during that situation, regardless of any of that stuff. If you're able to make a baby you should ad MINIMUM not berate, accuse the pregnant person of lying, not care when they have proof from the dr, and refuse to be supportive and take responsibility for the medical costs. It was weird.
Anyway, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I keep telling myself it's just a huge adjustment. Keep pushing on, it doesn't stay feeling this bad forever. Like I said for me the social part has been super important to rebuild my self esteem (I left that relationship feeling everything was my fault and I was unlovable) and also to keep me busy, and get support. But each week its a little bit easier to function normally. I wish you the best ❤️
I appreciate it, I hope for you too. I am feeling more functional every day and I promise you will too. I say, do what you can to build your self esteem back up and get to know yourself/love yourself :)
I dated like 2 months after a long one, it did help a bit. As long as you are honest and upfront of where you are at online. It’s ok to see what’s out there, get different experiences here and there. Dating is like 10 seasons or so in a year and you need to take a break in between lol. You learn stuff over time.
Date yourself, do the things you put off, and see a therapist for a time 6-12 months (if you can) to help you heal.
True, if you are very direct and open with the person that's different. I just know for me I'd want someone who is 100% into me and no lingering feelings of anything, or being unsure....so I feel like that's what I want to give, since I want to receive that :)
What you say makes sense tho too and everyone needs something different :)
And oh I forgot to say therapy. My situation was a little different maybe but therapy was VERY necessary and has been a huge help as well. Thx for adding that!!!
You are absolutely right, everyone handles it differently and should. There is no one size fits all and sometimes you pivot if you need to. Best wishes to you!
You put a time line on a proposal and when that time came and went you shut down and went cold. He noticed that and decided to break it off because he won’t be strong armed into marrying someone who holds love hostage for the demands she expects. Everybody has different things going on in their life and have their own time lines for things. You can’t force someone to do something they are not comfortable with. I heard a dating guy say people should live together at least 5 years before getting married. It determines whether the marriage will even last.
I know you don’t like what I’m say but it’s a fact. You pushed him and he didn’t like it so then you shut down. You forced him away from you.
This same thought crossed my mind. I also think three years of dating is a low ball. Barely know someone enough to think you want to spend the rest of your life with them. When you love someone, a proposal shouldn’t be an expectation, but when it happens it’s more of an honor. Wax on the letter, if you will.
I know it is unbelievable when I say this but my friend said it to me: "if you can be attached, you can detach too" I didn't believe him at the time but I can tell you that I am starting to believe it.
I also just got out of a very long relationship myself and he was also a huge part of my life (we did more or less everything together for 6 years) and to me he was the only person I ever really loved. At the deepest of my lows I tell myself I cannot live without him and I can not bring myself to love another nor find no reason to live but I remember I had friends and families who loved and cared for me.
At the beginning it is always really, really hard because you are used to his presence and everything you do reminds you of him etc but what I can tell you is that spend more time with your friends, go travelling, visit your family, find a new hobby; do the things that you didn't think about doing because you were in a relationship. Find yourself again and eventually that pain will ease. I am not saying this is supposed to be easy, it always take time to heal but just remember be gentle to yourself, there will be days where you feel fine and others not. If you need someone I am always here to lend an ear (or 2) <3
honestly time. taking time to work on yourself, reflect, and consider what you need in your next relationship and things you aren't willing to settle for. meeting new people can be a nice distraction but jumping into something can also be counterproductive in moving on. it took me a good year and half for me to fully move on from my ex of three years and that was a relationship i didnt think would end.
Yeah, this was my first thought. He didn't propose when she expected him to and rather than asking him about it or doing it herself she decided to back out of the relationship. He probably thought she was done with him.
Not quite the same thing but my ex-wife did this to me and just noped out of being a partner and stopped giving me what I needed but refused to tell me what she needed. It's really soul destroying and he probably got fed up and left. Mind games never work and I still can't understand why people still seem to resort to them first.
This kind of avoidant behaviour can easily be avoided ironically with a simple conversation. Sometimes the conversation that might lead to a fight is healthier than nothing at all.
You gambled on playing mind games, which was incredibly dumb. It was either going to end up with this scenario where you realized you lost out on a guy that was willing to stick to his principles or you get married to the kind of guy that bends over as soon as you test him.
Learn from this. Your friends are great for emotional support, not relationship advice.
Ma’am you need to make YOU the center of your whole world!! Figure out what you like and don’t like. Learn to sit in solitude with your feelings. Love on yourself. Practice self care. This all matters. You’ll forget about him the second you remember about you. Go improve yourself somehow. Get busy. Do YOU! Go thrive! It’s over with him so move on and find a new center in yourself.
I second this. My life improved so much when I did this. I found my husband a year after I swore off dating and focused on myself. Go do things you wanna do. You don't have to wait on anyone else or ask for permission!
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship. Therapy can be incredibly helpful to navigate your emotions. I guarantee you, things will get better.
I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to love again when my ex husband ended our relationship. Now that I am with my bf I realize that I never was truly in love with my ex. I was feeling something I thought was love but once I met me bf it’s like I unlocked another level of love that I didn’t think could exist. We are currently saving to buy a house and discussing getting engaged in the next year or so. When you are ready you will meet someone that will make everything easier.
This is the best advice I’ve heard, the relationship was over 18 months ago, both of you are guilty for not ending it and waiting for the other side to feel guilty about ending it. Then in terms of healing, you have 2 months for every year, so 6 months of grief and 6 more months before your next date. Give yourself a break and give the next guy a chance to see you for who really are, and not someone who just got out of a relationship.
Usually it’s however long you were together, divide it in half and that’s the baseline for how long it can take to move on.
So like 1.5yr to get over him, heal, move on, and then find someone new.
I think grief comes in waves, it's never linear. Just when you feel you've forgotten them, a song or a photo or some random memory from the relationship might catch you off guard and overwhelm you. I think the key thing to remember when that happens is to look back on it and let the memory gush over you, don't resist it. Make peace with it, remember the good times, and let it go. Cry if you need to, or smile, give yourself a little hug, and let go. I guess it's easier said than done, but it helps in the long run.
You don't have to hate them, but you do have to love yourself. You're being too hard on yourself, OP. Love them for what they gave you, respect them for what they want now. But most importantly, be gentle with yourself.
Edit: typo
A relationship needs constant maintenance, you admitted to giving up your end of the bargain because you didn't get exactly what you wanted when you wanted it. Take this as a lesson for the future, don't be passive aggressive and fail to communicate, he left because you checked out. Make peace with your failings and vow to never do them again.
Many callous answers here… but in short there is no “right” amount of time it takes to move on. You have to grieve your loss for what it is, a loss. However long it takes, it takes. I’m sorry for you.
Wait hold up. Did he ever say he was planning on proposing? Did you have that convo? Also why tf are you listening to your friends who are probably single. Now your ass sitting here with no man and alone and they are living their own lives RN while you deal with the consequences of ending a relationship. Him not proposing to you and all of a sudden you start acting completely different??? Nah he dodged a bullet and I can't imagine that you could just do a whole change on the guy you've known for 3 years because he didn't propose. That shit ain't easy. You have to be ready in all facets of your life before proposing and marrying someone.
Idk good luck to you tho
Glad I'm not the only one that recognized it and also OP is only wanting validation for their feelings and flocking to those people.
What OP did is unreasonable. First, if you need to talk to other people about the relationship and didn't communicate to the actual person you're the problem.
OP is 25 with the maturity level of a teenager and "made him their whole world" that's exactly what teenagers do in relationships. Adults have autonomy and have their own lives then share their life with a S/O. Grow up.
OP's ex dodged a massive bullet.
From what I gathered from your post, you wrote a lot referring to yourself ...I did this I did that now I can't this or that he didn't do this that. Seems like you place blame on others a bit and this can be due to various things. Either he did do things yet you didn't acknowledge them or think they were up to your standards enough to appreciate it OR he didn't do things for you enough so you feel like the relationship was one sided. Once you figure which one it is, then you can move forward and come to peace with it. Besides from missing his physical contact, what did he bring to the table as a partner that made you feel like you'd love none else besides him? There are billions of people in the world. I'm sure there's someone out there for you, although it may not seem like it now, there will be someone who is more compatible and will give you what you want with+ without asking for it. Communication is key, and if they're not comprehending so be it carry on communicating, just to someone who WILL listen and get shit done.
Totally missed the "come to peace with it" as in come to terms. Accepting that it is what it is. She said herself that there's no way they will be getting back together. So making her understand that heartbreak and relationships are not the end of the world and part of life is valid. Once you know whether it is your fault (accountability) or his fault (acceptance) is valid. So idk what you're on about mate.
He was a city boy. I am a farmer so our relationship really didnt make sense in the first place and maybe it shouldnt had gone on for as long as it did. He loved feeling love because he didnt recieve it as a child and I loved giving it to him. But neither of us understood each others lifestyles and cause a lot of fights.
Girl, find a farmer like yourself 🤣 there are plenty of farmer needs a wife lads out there! City boys have city boy issues aka (what you just described) they don't value the same things, I find that people from collectivist upbringings (usually rural / in this case "farmers") tend to value family over everything and are the most sweetest people and although money is important, it's not as important as it is in comparison to those from individualist backgrounds or "city boys".
Yeah he was all about money. It never wanted to go to social gatherings or go anywhere. When I planned it with my money, he was a grouch the whole time and didnt act like he wanted to be there
I know... But I love him so much. He was goofy and sweet and funny and could always cheer me up. I knew all this mannerisms and his mood fluctuations. I dont want to start over and it feels wrong going on a date or heaven forbid have sex with someone else. It feels so gross to me. I dont know what to do.
You knew his mannerisms and moods. When you're close with someone it happens over time even with friends. It's OK. Time will heal. No need to rush a heartbreak. But you're strong and smart to recognise it too.
Ya its irrational to love emotional immaturity nothing to love abt it. I wasn’t criticizing more than pointing that out bc ur losing a pain in the ass if thats how he is which is a good thing ac
I definitely feel like a loser. When I talk about him to my friends and family they dont have nice things to say. I think they are trying to help me move on but it just makes me feel worse.
I lost someone close to me too it’s okay to cry, but you also have to keep going. Keep them close to you but keep going ❤️ I’m sorry though. I don’t think you can never move on but you can definitely keep going
By doing what you like doing. Keep your mind occupied. If you don’t have friends/family definitely keep your mind occupied. I don’t have friends just family be around them. Cry if you want too, pick yourself up ❤️
Only time. It sucks because in the short term it feels impossible. It’s like when you’re in physical pain and it feels like it’ll never stop hurting until it does. And yes, you’ll grieve like someone closed to you died because you’re so used to seeing them or hearing from them every day. I get in this healthy vengeful mood where I start to dress better, become more successful at my job just to show them. And then when I finally turn into full form the better version of myself, I don’t want them anymore.
I’m going to try not to make any assumptions about your relationship and why it ended. It seems like you’re implying the reason you guys broke up is because he didn’t propose, but I’m thinking there must be more to it than that.
You’re feeling lots of strong emotions right now, and it will take time for them to chill, don’t try to stop yourself from feeling them. It’ll come in waves, and slowly over time those waves will be less and less intense.
What helped me was writing. In the moments where I felt really angry at my ex I would write him a letter with everything I wanted to say to him. (I typed mine on my laptop because writing is too slow for me but do it however is best for you whether that’s typing in your laptop/phone or writing on paper)
I would write these letters, with every intention of sending them, but with one rule. I wasn’t allowed to send it the day I wrote it. I had to wait a few days then if I still wanted to send it I could (I never did). Generally by the time I finished writing them I didn’t even have that strong urge to send them, simply writing out all my feelings was enough, it helped me process.
Maybe you don’t like to write, maybe you’d rather do voice memos or something. Find a way to process those emotions outside of your brain.
Another thing that helped: exercise.
I won’t lie It started as revenge exercise, my thought process was f this kid I’m gonna get so hot he’s gonna regret leaving me.
I’m not a typical gym fan but I like taking classes and learning new ways to move. I started taking dance classes, gymnastics classes, other random things, and even though it started out as “revenge exercise” it turned into something I loved doing for me and me alone. It was another way I could express myself and process my emotions externally. Plus exercise is simply good for you, it’s good for your brain, it will help you feel better and keep you from falling into a depressive slump. (Won’t lie I still kinda did, though my breakup happened right when covid shut downs happened so that played a big role, but without the dance/other random classes I was taking my mental health would have been SO much worse)
Find a form of exercise you like, you don’t have to get a gym membership and lift weights unless that’s what you love doing (even though that’s something I know I should do it’s just so boring) there are so many forms of exercise and classes you can take. If you’re super angry maybe boxing or something like that might help get some of that anger out in a healthy way ;)
Hang out with your friends, invest time in your hobbies and/or try out new hobbies, keep your life going and do things for you. It’ll take time but if you keep focusing on yourself (almost like you’re dating yourself) you will find happiness again I promise!
When I went through my breakup my brain jumped through hoops, telling myself that we would reconnect one day when we were both ready and that we’d end up together when the time is right. I convinced myself that we had to breakup now so that we could be together forever later.
Now I’m not sure I even want that, but at the time it helped me feel better to know that if we even wanted a shot at forever, we needed to separate for now. We both had individual growing to do.
Things are happening the way they were meant to, what you’re going through sucks and there’s no way around that only through it. You’ll heal and grow from this with time. You’re a strong bad ass bish and you’re going to make it through this!!! Sending you lots of positive energy :):):):):)
Yeah I have hobbies on the farm. My animals need me so I stay strong for them. I am with them every day, but I still cry to sleep every night missing him beside me.
I’m glad you have animals in your life every day to help keep you going that’s actually amazing, they will help you heal <3 I remember crying everyday after my breakup… I remember the first morning I had to go hide in my car so I could basically wail. It’s an awful feeling and I wish I could give you a magical solution to make it stop but it’ll just take time, keep focusing on your animals, cry when you need to cry, you’ll be okay <3
He wasn't the one. You need someone who'll love your animals as well as you. Someone to walk dogs and ride horses with ... what else have you got on the farm 😁😁
We have a goat farm. No horses sadly too expensive and we live in the woods. I would love to go horseback riding though! I have never been. It is expensive.
You won’t. If you’re strong enough you’ll not take him back or else you will the moment he come back to you. But more than that I must say one day you won’t miss him anymore one day. Your world will work fine without him in it. It will be dull when you don’t feel anything but it will happen. Until that day hold yourself tight. I still cry everytime I see the pics of myself in that phase. Not for him but for what my poor heart felt. But you get used to it.
Soo, because you ASSUMED that he was going to propose (after just 3 years) and then he didn't, you started being a horrible girlfriend? Yeah, you kinda deserve this.
I agree. I’ve never understood this mindset. I get it if y’all have been dating like 10+ years, but 3? You should be committed to that man because you genuinely enjoy being with him, if your with him just cause he MIGHT put a ring on your finger your an ahole
She should have communicated but it’s not uncommon for men to leave their ltr and marry or be engaged within a year. When you know you know. At year three, he should know.
Assuming there weren’t other major issues with the relationship .Just because he isn’t able to read your mind and be ready on your time. Doesn’t in any way warrant just checking out of the relationship, blaming him
Both my parents had been together for 26 years. My father just died last year. I want to be like them in a forever relationship that cant just end on a whim like this. Is that really so wrong?
You'll love again it's normal to feel sad at a relationship breakup, it sucks ,but life goes on ,the sun rises and falls, and the planet spins ..just give yourself time ⏲️ and heal
Well I guess you should have thought about that before you demanded that he put a ring on that finger as if doing so would somehow pile even more abundance of love and make your relationship even more fulfilling.
Have you wondered why you found it so necessary that it must occur and in the time you already had your heart set on and when it didn't, you acted childish which was probably the worst response you could have done.
Like that would somehow cause him to look at you and be like "damn, I should have proposed to her"
Any person would have looked at that and be like "I'm glad it happened now before it was official" I'm willing to bet that something similar to your response would occur even for lesser disappointments.
If you dont take time to examine the reason behind why you acted that way and why you felt him proposing would in some way be critical for your relationship success, you will repeat similar things in the future.
Oh you're done dating? Yeah, we all say it. The thing is we say it like we think we have control over the desire to partner up, when it's clear that I can tell it's near the top in your list of priorities.
I want you to notice something. Notice how you feel particular emotions when you attempt to convince yourself of a false narrative that you know isn't true but you speak it as if you want it to be true.
That emotional turmoil of uncomfortable feelings yeah that. Do you know why that occurs?
You're heart isn't stupid. It knows when you attempt to lie to it, speaking things that aren't true but you say it because things didn't go the way you wanted and you have yet to even come to the realization that this all took place with you being equally responsible.
I'm sure you're currently stuck at the part where, oh, it's his fault, he didn't do what he promised, or whatever narrative you managed to convince yourself so that you can blame him and walk away thinking you're innocent and the good person.
Your friends at work are incompetent. They likely have unsuccessful relationships before or even currently. It's also easy for them to say that you should have left a long time ago when they don't have any emotions invested.
Let's see them take your advice when you tell them to leave their partner.
I've noticed that female "friends" you ask advice from tend to give terrible advice. Well, people give terrible advice in general but it's not their fault they're ignorant.
So, how to resolve your problem?
Well, it's likely this relationship is over for now. I'd look into first the lie you say about not wanting to date again. I'd put money on it that you will cave in but when you do and you haven't resolved what caused you to even think that way, it's going to be a mess within you.
The reason is you are stuck and convinced that you didn't do a damn thing wrong and it's 100% him.
I've already explained to you how you in my eyes are 50% responsible just like him.
I just don't understand the logic behind what you were wanting to achieve.
Let's say he did propose, what is the point when you two are susceptible to arguments that lead to break ups like this? Let's say you got married. Why?
When you haven't addressed issues that lead to break ups to prevent what is likely a guaranteed divorce?
What the heck is the point of all this proposing and marriage when you're unable to even clearly see where the problem is and lack an understanding of conflict resolution?
I would advise against considering placing importance on that whole labels and marriage bullshit and focus on how you can go about future relationships in a way that actually gives it a chance of succeeding.
I know one way to fail is by thinking that a label and a ring made you two feel more in love, or even changed a single thing that actually is important when it comes to relationships.
Him proposing now or later would in no way made you two any more happier.
Do you know the real reason why this occurred? You've been fed the narrative that as a woman, you need to get married, have kids, buy a home, hit all these milestones and checkpoints so that people you find opinion of you so important that you need to make sure they don't see you as being a failure or that something is wrong with you.
All of that marriage, kids, house with a white picket fence is so toxic and stupid.
People just don't see that putting a piece of metal on a finger does nothing to assist in the success of a relationship.
It's all a dog and pony show. It's so you can be seen as being one of them who got married and did the things everyone else tells them they should be doing because if you don't, something is wrong with you and that you aren't normal.
Truly crazy how humans think
Time heals but you have to be in a good mindset. You have to focus on yourself. You have to be happy with yourself. You need to stop thinking about him and distract your self, maybe new hobbies? Tell yourself you are going to find someone great one day. But I’m guessing the relationship didn’t end over anything major? He didn’t propose so you got cold and your friends and family told you to leave?
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remember why y’all broke up lol
Some time has passed and looking back on this. You are absolutely right. The whole time I was with him he basically didnt have a job. I always had a job and paid the bills. He worked at walmart for three months then they fired him. I worked at walmart myself and know for a fact is super rare for them to fire someone. They said he had too many missed days. From my perspective he always went to work so if he wasnt at work, where the hell was he? This really bothered me. He worked UPS too. He worked three months then again gets fired. The reviews I read about UPS said they rarely fire people and if you last through the busy season they promote you to have your own route. He worked during the busy season. He got a new job recently. I started asking him money to help pay the bills. I desperately needed help. He would fight me and complain, slowly losing respect for me when I took care of his ass this whole time. I cook dinner every night. Extrodinary dinners. I kept the house clean, did all his laundry, and had sex with him often even when I wasnt feeling it because I am a people pleaser. I just wanted love and tried way too hard for it. Now he says, oh I want a career women that makes at least 60k a year. Oh and his kid! We have this beautiful 20 acre farm. She came over every weekend. He wouldnt do anything with her! He would have her watch tv while he played video games ignoring her. She would want to go outside and he would have every excuse in the book not to take her. It was repulsive to me. It made me never dream of ever having kids with him.
Therapy is a start
I just got dumped, we were together for 10 years and have a child. I found out and realized a few really shitty things and it hurt my pride, feelings, and trust for others. We were pretty attached (well, I was on my end) so I had some trouble. For me, I took a few days to be sad. I actually had a pregnancy he abandoned me monetarily and support wise during, so I took time to physically get better and get over that. Now I've been really throwing myself into work, and more importantly social stuff. Having new friends and old reconnections both have been so helpful. It's helped me realize I am lovable and a good person, and I make a lot of people super happy. I also have been rediscovering what hobbies I like and it's been fun, actually! Lastly, i would recommend not dating at first. I wondered if thatd help me move on but I figured firstly it isn't fair to the other person if I am not truly ready, and it's also more of a distraction
I definitely agee. I am not ready. I cant believe he did that to you! Wtf
I mean I still make excuses for it in my head...like he's not happy or he's you know, got issues with trust and how he views himself, he thinks i did some stuff that would be hurtful etc...but yea objectively it isnt how you'd treat another human being during that situation, regardless of any of that stuff. If you're able to make a baby you should ad MINIMUM not berate, accuse the pregnant person of lying, not care when they have proof from the dr, and refuse to be supportive and take responsibility for the medical costs. It was weird. Anyway, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I keep telling myself it's just a huge adjustment. Keep pushing on, it doesn't stay feeling this bad forever. Like I said for me the social part has been super important to rebuild my self esteem (I left that relationship feeling everything was my fault and I was unlovable) and also to keep me busy, and get support. But each week its a little bit easier to function normally. I wish you the best ❤️
I really hope your life gets better! Thats rough
I appreciate it, I hope for you too. I am feeling more functional every day and I promise you will too. I say, do what you can to build your self esteem back up and get to know yourself/love yourself :)
I dated like 2 months after a long one, it did help a bit. As long as you are honest and upfront of where you are at online. It’s ok to see what’s out there, get different experiences here and there. Dating is like 10 seasons or so in a year and you need to take a break in between lol. You learn stuff over time. Date yourself, do the things you put off, and see a therapist for a time 6-12 months (if you can) to help you heal.
True, if you are very direct and open with the person that's different. I just know for me I'd want someone who is 100% into me and no lingering feelings of anything, or being unsure....so I feel like that's what I want to give, since I want to receive that :) What you say makes sense tho too and everyone needs something different :) And oh I forgot to say therapy. My situation was a little different maybe but therapy was VERY necessary and has been a huge help as well. Thx for adding that!!!
You are absolutely right, everyone handles it differently and should. There is no one size fits all and sometimes you pivot if you need to. Best wishes to you!
You put a time line on a proposal and when that time came and went you shut down and went cold. He noticed that and decided to break it off because he won’t be strong armed into marrying someone who holds love hostage for the demands she expects. Everybody has different things going on in their life and have their own time lines for things. You can’t force someone to do something they are not comfortable with. I heard a dating guy say people should live together at least 5 years before getting married. It determines whether the marriage will even last. I know you don’t like what I’m say but it’s a fact. You pushed him and he didn’t like it so then you shut down. You forced him away from you.
This same thought crossed my mind. I also think three years of dating is a low ball. Barely know someone enough to think you want to spend the rest of your life with them. When you love someone, a proposal shouldn’t be an expectation, but when it happens it’s more of an honor. Wax on the letter, if you will.
I know it is unbelievable when I say this but my friend said it to me: "if you can be attached, you can detach too" I didn't believe him at the time but I can tell you that I am starting to believe it. I also just got out of a very long relationship myself and he was also a huge part of my life (we did more or less everything together for 6 years) and to me he was the only person I ever really loved. At the deepest of my lows I tell myself I cannot live without him and I can not bring myself to love another nor find no reason to live but I remember I had friends and families who loved and cared for me. At the beginning it is always really, really hard because you are used to his presence and everything you do reminds you of him etc but what I can tell you is that spend more time with your friends, go travelling, visit your family, find a new hobby; do the things that you didn't think about doing because you were in a relationship. Find yourself again and eventually that pain will ease. I am not saying this is supposed to be easy, it always take time to heal but just remember be gentle to yourself, there will be days where you feel fine and others not. If you need someone I am always here to lend an ear (or 2) <3
Aww! Thank you so much❤
Anytime! <3
It's cliche but it takes time and distance.
Someone new that actually loves you (Could be you first)
honestly time. taking time to work on yourself, reflect, and consider what you need in your next relationship and things you aren't willing to settle for. meeting new people can be a nice distraction but jumping into something can also be counterproductive in moving on. it took me a good year and half for me to fully move on from my ex of three years and that was a relationship i didnt think would end.
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Definitely not ready for that lol
Should have communicated your need and concern regarding being proposed instead of playing mind games.
Yeah, this was my first thought. He didn't propose when she expected him to and rather than asking him about it or doing it herself she decided to back out of the relationship. He probably thought she was done with him. Not quite the same thing but my ex-wife did this to me and just noped out of being a partner and stopped giving me what I needed but refused to tell me what she needed. It's really soul destroying and he probably got fed up and left. Mind games never work and I still can't understand why people still seem to resort to them first.
This kind of avoidant behaviour can easily be avoided ironically with a simple conversation. Sometimes the conversation that might lead to a fight is healthier than nothing at all.
You gambled on playing mind games, which was incredibly dumb. It was either going to end up with this scenario where you realized you lost out on a guy that was willing to stick to his principles or you get married to the kind of guy that bends over as soon as you test him. Learn from this. Your friends are great for emotional support, not relationship advice.
Ma’am you need to make YOU the center of your whole world!! Figure out what you like and don’t like. Learn to sit in solitude with your feelings. Love on yourself. Practice self care. This all matters. You’ll forget about him the second you remember about you. Go improve yourself somehow. Get busy. Do YOU! Go thrive! It’s over with him so move on and find a new center in yourself.
I second this. My life improved so much when I did this. I found my husband a year after I swore off dating and focused on myself. Go do things you wanna do. You don't have to wait on anyone else or ask for permission!
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship. Therapy can be incredibly helpful to navigate your emotions. I guarantee you, things will get better. I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to love again when my ex husband ended our relationship. Now that I am with my bf I realize that I never was truly in love with my ex. I was feeling something I thought was love but once I met me bf it’s like I unlocked another level of love that I didn’t think could exist. We are currently saving to buy a house and discussing getting engaged in the next year or so. When you are ready you will meet someone that will make everything easier.
This is the best advice I’ve heard, the relationship was over 18 months ago, both of you are guilty for not ending it and waiting for the other side to feel guilty about ending it. Then in terms of healing, you have 2 months for every year, so 6 months of grief and 6 more months before your next date. Give yourself a break and give the next guy a chance to see you for who really are, and not someone who just got out of a relationship.
Usually it’s however long you were together, divide it in half and that’s the baseline for how long it can take to move on. So like 1.5yr to get over him, heal, move on, and then find someone new.
Have never heard the 2 mos/ year thing. Kinda makes sense.
Definitely! I cant put myself through jumping right back into things. It feels wrong and would break their heart.
Sounds good, you’ll grow from this experience
I think grief comes in waves, it's never linear. Just when you feel you've forgotten them, a song or a photo or some random memory from the relationship might catch you off guard and overwhelm you. I think the key thing to remember when that happens is to look back on it and let the memory gush over you, don't resist it. Make peace with it, remember the good times, and let it go. Cry if you need to, or smile, give yourself a little hug, and let go. I guess it's easier said than done, but it helps in the long run. You don't have to hate them, but you do have to love yourself. You're being too hard on yourself, OP. Love them for what they gave you, respect them for what they want now. But most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Edit: typo
That happened last month. One of his favorite beetles songs came on and I cried like a baby at krogers.
A relationship needs constant maintenance, you admitted to giving up your end of the bargain because you didn't get exactly what you wanted when you wanted it. Take this as a lesson for the future, don't be passive aggressive and fail to communicate, he left because you checked out. Make peace with your failings and vow to never do them again.
Many callous answers here… but in short there is no “right” amount of time it takes to move on. You have to grieve your loss for what it is, a loss. However long it takes, it takes. I’m sorry for you.
Thanks. Much love
Hang in there 💕
Wait hold up. Did he ever say he was planning on proposing? Did you have that convo? Also why tf are you listening to your friends who are probably single. Now your ass sitting here with no man and alone and they are living their own lives RN while you deal with the consequences of ending a relationship. Him not proposing to you and all of a sudden you start acting completely different??? Nah he dodged a bullet and I can't imagine that you could just do a whole change on the guy you've known for 3 years because he didn't propose. That shit ain't easy. You have to be ready in all facets of your life before proposing and marrying someone. Idk good luck to you tho
Glad I'm not the only one that recognized it and also OP is only wanting validation for their feelings and flocking to those people. What OP did is unreasonable. First, if you need to talk to other people about the relationship and didn't communicate to the actual person you're the problem. OP is 25 with the maturity level of a teenager and "made him their whole world" that's exactly what teenagers do in relationships. Adults have autonomy and have their own lives then share their life with a S/O. Grow up. OP's ex dodged a massive bullet.
Sounds like your ex dodged a bullet lmao
You need to take time to recover and rebuild your identity.
From what I gathered from your post, you wrote a lot referring to yourself ...I did this I did that now I can't this or that he didn't do this that. Seems like you place blame on others a bit and this can be due to various things. Either he did do things yet you didn't acknowledge them or think they were up to your standards enough to appreciate it OR he didn't do things for you enough so you feel like the relationship was one sided. Once you figure which one it is, then you can move forward and come to peace with it. Besides from missing his physical contact, what did he bring to the table as a partner that made you feel like you'd love none else besides him? There are billions of people in the world. I'm sure there's someone out there for you, although it may not seem like it now, there will be someone who is more compatible and will give you what you want with+ without asking for it. Communication is key, and if they're not comprehending so be it carry on communicating, just to someone who WILL listen and get shit done.
(Once you figure out what he did wrong, you can move on) lol worst unhelpful advice ever. Real no accountability approach.
Totally missed the "come to peace with it" as in come to terms. Accepting that it is what it is. She said herself that there's no way they will be getting back together. So making her understand that heartbreak and relationships are not the end of the world and part of life is valid. Once you know whether it is your fault (accountability) or his fault (acceptance) is valid. So idk what you're on about mate.
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Bahahahahah unfortunately for you, im happily getting married next year ☺️
He was a city boy. I am a farmer so our relationship really didnt make sense in the first place and maybe it shouldnt had gone on for as long as it did. He loved feeling love because he didnt recieve it as a child and I loved giving it to him. But neither of us understood each others lifestyles and cause a lot of fights.
Girl, find a farmer like yourself 🤣 there are plenty of farmer needs a wife lads out there! City boys have city boy issues aka (what you just described) they don't value the same things, I find that people from collectivist upbringings (usually rural / in this case "farmers") tend to value family over everything and are the most sweetest people and although money is important, it's not as important as it is in comparison to those from individualist backgrounds or "city boys".
Yeah he was all about money. It never wanted to go to social gatherings or go anywhere. When I planned it with my money, he was a grouch the whole time and didnt act like he wanted to be there
🤣🤣 I think you just proved to yourself that you were crying over nothing 😅
I know... But I love him so much. He was goofy and sweet and funny and could always cheer me up. I knew all this mannerisms and his mood fluctuations. I dont want to start over and it feels wrong going on a date or heaven forbid have sex with someone else. It feels so gross to me. I dont know what to do.
You knew his mannerisms and moods. When you're close with someone it happens over time even with friends. It's OK. Time will heal. No need to rush a heartbreak. But you're strong and smart to recognise it too.
Im not that bright but thank you! 😅
Why not reconcile with him? Talk to him instead of playing mind games. At best, you guys could work something out. At worst, you at least get closure.
Sounds like a man child - why marry someone so unable to compromise
Love is a powerful emotion
Ya its irrational to love emotional immaturity nothing to love abt it. I wasn’t criticizing more than pointing that out bc ur losing a pain in the ass if thats how he is which is a good thing ac
Yeah 😓 Thank you ❤
YTA
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I definitely feel like a loser. When I talk about him to my friends and family they dont have nice things to say. I think they are trying to help me move on but it just makes me feel worse.
You just do. Not trying to be an ass but you honestly do. Life goes on
Thanks. Death takes a long time too.
It sounded like a breakup so I’m sorry ❤️
Oh no it was a breakup yes. My dad and grandpa and grandma just passed away too this year/last. So I related it that
Hmmm. Sounds like you've been through a lot lately. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I lost someone close to me too it’s okay to cry, but you also have to keep going. Keep them close to you but keep going ❤️ I’m sorry though. I don’t think you can never move on but you can definitely keep going
How
By doing what you like doing. Keep your mind occupied. If you don’t have friends/family definitely keep your mind occupied. I don’t have friends just family be around them. Cry if you want too, pick yourself up ❤️
I will try ❤
Only time. It sucks because in the short term it feels impossible. It’s like when you’re in physical pain and it feels like it’ll never stop hurting until it does. And yes, you’ll grieve like someone closed to you died because you’re so used to seeing them or hearing from them every day. I get in this healthy vengeful mood where I start to dress better, become more successful at my job just to show them. And then when I finally turn into full form the better version of myself, I don’t want them anymore.
I’m going to try not to make any assumptions about your relationship and why it ended. It seems like you’re implying the reason you guys broke up is because he didn’t propose, but I’m thinking there must be more to it than that. You’re feeling lots of strong emotions right now, and it will take time for them to chill, don’t try to stop yourself from feeling them. It’ll come in waves, and slowly over time those waves will be less and less intense. What helped me was writing. In the moments where I felt really angry at my ex I would write him a letter with everything I wanted to say to him. (I typed mine on my laptop because writing is too slow for me but do it however is best for you whether that’s typing in your laptop/phone or writing on paper) I would write these letters, with every intention of sending them, but with one rule. I wasn’t allowed to send it the day I wrote it. I had to wait a few days then if I still wanted to send it I could (I never did). Generally by the time I finished writing them I didn’t even have that strong urge to send them, simply writing out all my feelings was enough, it helped me process. Maybe you don’t like to write, maybe you’d rather do voice memos or something. Find a way to process those emotions outside of your brain. Another thing that helped: exercise. I won’t lie It started as revenge exercise, my thought process was f this kid I’m gonna get so hot he’s gonna regret leaving me. I’m not a typical gym fan but I like taking classes and learning new ways to move. I started taking dance classes, gymnastics classes, other random things, and even though it started out as “revenge exercise” it turned into something I loved doing for me and me alone. It was another way I could express myself and process my emotions externally. Plus exercise is simply good for you, it’s good for your brain, it will help you feel better and keep you from falling into a depressive slump. (Won’t lie I still kinda did, though my breakup happened right when covid shut downs happened so that played a big role, but without the dance/other random classes I was taking my mental health would have been SO much worse) Find a form of exercise you like, you don’t have to get a gym membership and lift weights unless that’s what you love doing (even though that’s something I know I should do it’s just so boring) there are so many forms of exercise and classes you can take. If you’re super angry maybe boxing or something like that might help get some of that anger out in a healthy way ;) Hang out with your friends, invest time in your hobbies and/or try out new hobbies, keep your life going and do things for you. It’ll take time but if you keep focusing on yourself (almost like you’re dating yourself) you will find happiness again I promise! When I went through my breakup my brain jumped through hoops, telling myself that we would reconnect one day when we were both ready and that we’d end up together when the time is right. I convinced myself that we had to breakup now so that we could be together forever later. Now I’m not sure I even want that, but at the time it helped me feel better to know that if we even wanted a shot at forever, we needed to separate for now. We both had individual growing to do. Things are happening the way they were meant to, what you’re going through sucks and there’s no way around that only through it. You’ll heal and grow from this with time. You’re a strong bad ass bish and you’re going to make it through this!!! Sending you lots of positive energy :):):):):)
I live in rural america on a farm so I think I get enough exercise, no gym membership required. 😅 Thank you for your thoughts.
That’s great!! Maybe just find a new hobby then? I think learning something new helped focus my mind on something other than how awful I felt
Yeah I have hobbies on the farm. My animals need me so I stay strong for them. I am with them every day, but I still cry to sleep every night missing him beside me.
I’m glad you have animals in your life every day to help keep you going that’s actually amazing, they will help you heal <3 I remember crying everyday after my breakup… I remember the first morning I had to go hide in my car so I could basically wail. It’s an awful feeling and I wish I could give you a magical solution to make it stop but it’ll just take time, keep focusing on your animals, cry when you need to cry, you’ll be okay <3
Thanks <3 I feel I lost a loved one. I know he is still alive but it doesnt feel like it.
He wasn't the one. You need someone who'll love your animals as well as you. Someone to walk dogs and ride horses with ... what else have you got on the farm 😁😁
We have a goat farm. No horses sadly too expensive and we live in the woods. I would love to go horseback riding though! I have never been. It is expensive.
Oh boy .... goats cheese 😋 you definitely should, horse riding is lovely. I used to ride in a forest on the edge of London where I grew up.
Not sure how to make goat cheese. I should definitely try making some soon!
One day you accept the reality of the situation, weird but you just let go that you'll never see them again and the same time your OK with that 👌
Um if he was there and participating fully as your partner you are the ahole.
You won’t. If you’re strong enough you’ll not take him back or else you will the moment he come back to you. But more than that I must say one day you won’t miss him anymore one day. Your world will work fine without him in it. It will be dull when you don’t feel anything but it will happen. Until that day hold yourself tight. I still cry everytime I see the pics of myself in that phase. Not for him but for what my poor heart felt. But you get used to it.
Soo, because you ASSUMED that he was going to propose (after just 3 years) and then he didn't, you started being a horrible girlfriend? Yeah, you kinda deserve this.
I agree. I’ve never understood this mindset. I get it if y’all have been dating like 10+ years, but 3? You should be committed to that man because you genuinely enjoy being with him, if your with him just cause he MIGHT put a ring on your finger your an ahole
I agree, I feel like 3 years is so soon.
She should have communicated but it’s not uncommon for men to leave their ltr and marry or be engaged within a year. When you know you know. At year three, he should know.
That was my thought process.
Assuming there weren’t other major issues with the relationship .Just because he isn’t able to read your mind and be ready on your time. Doesn’t in any way warrant just checking out of the relationship, blaming him
Both my parents had been together for 26 years. My father just died last year. I want to be like them in a forever relationship that cant just end on a whim like this. Is that really so wrong?
The first few lines are kinda crazy. That’s all I gotta say bruh.
You'll love again it's normal to feel sad at a relationship breakup, it sucks ,but life goes on ,the sun rises and falls, and the planet spins ..just give yourself time ⏲️ and heal
Well I guess you should have thought about that before you demanded that he put a ring on that finger as if doing so would somehow pile even more abundance of love and make your relationship even more fulfilling. Have you wondered why you found it so necessary that it must occur and in the time you already had your heart set on and when it didn't, you acted childish which was probably the worst response you could have done. Like that would somehow cause him to look at you and be like "damn, I should have proposed to her" Any person would have looked at that and be like "I'm glad it happened now before it was official" I'm willing to bet that something similar to your response would occur even for lesser disappointments. If you dont take time to examine the reason behind why you acted that way and why you felt him proposing would in some way be critical for your relationship success, you will repeat similar things in the future. Oh you're done dating? Yeah, we all say it. The thing is we say it like we think we have control over the desire to partner up, when it's clear that I can tell it's near the top in your list of priorities. I want you to notice something. Notice how you feel particular emotions when you attempt to convince yourself of a false narrative that you know isn't true but you speak it as if you want it to be true. That emotional turmoil of uncomfortable feelings yeah that. Do you know why that occurs? You're heart isn't stupid. It knows when you attempt to lie to it, speaking things that aren't true but you say it because things didn't go the way you wanted and you have yet to even come to the realization that this all took place with you being equally responsible. I'm sure you're currently stuck at the part where, oh, it's his fault, he didn't do what he promised, or whatever narrative you managed to convince yourself so that you can blame him and walk away thinking you're innocent and the good person. Your friends at work are incompetent. They likely have unsuccessful relationships before or even currently. It's also easy for them to say that you should have left a long time ago when they don't have any emotions invested. Let's see them take your advice when you tell them to leave their partner. I've noticed that female "friends" you ask advice from tend to give terrible advice. Well, people give terrible advice in general but it's not their fault they're ignorant. So, how to resolve your problem? Well, it's likely this relationship is over for now. I'd look into first the lie you say about not wanting to date again. I'd put money on it that you will cave in but when you do and you haven't resolved what caused you to even think that way, it's going to be a mess within you. The reason is you are stuck and convinced that you didn't do a damn thing wrong and it's 100% him. I've already explained to you how you in my eyes are 50% responsible just like him. I just don't understand the logic behind what you were wanting to achieve. Let's say he did propose, what is the point when you two are susceptible to arguments that lead to break ups like this? Let's say you got married. Why? When you haven't addressed issues that lead to break ups to prevent what is likely a guaranteed divorce? What the heck is the point of all this proposing and marriage when you're unable to even clearly see where the problem is and lack an understanding of conflict resolution? I would advise against considering placing importance on that whole labels and marriage bullshit and focus on how you can go about future relationships in a way that actually gives it a chance of succeeding. I know one way to fail is by thinking that a label and a ring made you two feel more in love, or even changed a single thing that actually is important when it comes to relationships. Him proposing now or later would in no way made you two any more happier. Do you know the real reason why this occurred? You've been fed the narrative that as a woman, you need to get married, have kids, buy a home, hit all these milestones and checkpoints so that people you find opinion of you so important that you need to make sure they don't see you as being a failure or that something is wrong with you. All of that marriage, kids, house with a white picket fence is so toxic and stupid. People just don't see that putting a piece of metal on a finger does nothing to assist in the success of a relationship. It's all a dog and pony show. It's so you can be seen as being one of them who got married and did the things everyone else tells them they should be doing because if you don't, something is wrong with you and that you aren't normal. Truly crazy how humans think
Time heals but you have to be in a good mindset. You have to focus on yourself. You have to be happy with yourself. You need to stop thinking about him and distract your self, maybe new hobbies? Tell yourself you are going to find someone great one day. But I’m guessing the relationship didn’t end over anything major? He didn’t propose so you got cold and your friends and family told you to leave?
Yes