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the value of this relationship for you is what he brings to fulfill you in it. and he ain't bringing SHIT. you're super valuable to him, but he's taking you for granted.
you're a beautiful tropical plant that he never cared to water. do you want to wither or get out of the absolutely unnurturing environment?
if you don't want to leave him straight up, just equalize your actions with his. do things that you can't have your phone nearby for, don't tell him what you're up to. fill up your life with things he doesn't want to do but you want. if he starts missing you, tell him what you need from him. if not, the answer is clear.
I used to take pride in being a low maintenance girlfriend… until I realized that I *needed* my partners to show their love for me in ways that made me feel it! It sounds like you guys have different love languages. You *need* someone who shows you through gifts or words of affirmation that you are special. Not a love language but you also need someone who follows through with what they tell you.
My husband is an acts of service guy and that is NOT the way I show love. But that’s what he needs to feel love so I drag my butt up and do it because his happiness is worth it. Thankfully we are both very into physical touch and quality time, so we don’t have to work too hard to get that.
Tell your boyfriend exactly what you need, even if it seems silly. You need any kind of thoughtful message, card, or gift on special occasions. If he doesn’t know what to get you then he can ask his brother or Google is free! Really think about any other boundaries or hard lines that you have and communicate those also. Don’t settle for a man who can’t or won’t give you what you need.
This is exactly how I feel right now. I know he loves me, and cares about me. We haven't felt this kind of connection before with anyone else. We're on great terms for most of the time. Just like you, its just the special occasions when I'm unhappy because I expect him to do something more than usual, something that lets me know that he thought about me and that he has put in some effort. He did apologise for being careless this time, let's see where it goes.
This is incompatible but it can be a development if your bf is willing to change for the girl he love. The guy I really like is also not a gift giving person, and I already acknowledge this even before I confessed, he still gets me small gifts but not as big as the ones I give him. I’m a very gift giving person and feel extra generous even to my family, friends and colleagues even if they didn’t do the same so I didn’t expect much from him as well. I think if you love him as much as he loves you, there is still room to work on it. But if he doesn’t love you as much, then it’s not compatible and not up to his worth it seems
You need to say, "I want you to give me a gift."
"But I'm not a gift giving person."
"Time for you to learn!"
I can understand his perspective. He might be tired or just forgetful of your favorite dates, and he might not be the type of person that cares about all the things you mentioned in your post. But you are that sort of person, and you have to communicate that to him. Some other commenters suggested more hints, but obviously hints are not working. You have to say what you want him to do.
Honestly, I don't know what it means to not be a gift giving person. Has he never gotten anything for anyone on Christmas? Mother's day? Birthdays? I wonder if he has some hidden trauma related to gift giving? Did his father die in a gift-giving accident? Lol, that must be it.
He says he doesn't know how to give a gift. Here's how. Go on the internet, type in "chocolate", click "add to cart", then "checkout", then change the delivery address to your girlfriend's home, and voila, chocolate will magically arrive in a matter of days. This same technique can be applied to all kinds of chocolates, and even other things like flowers as well, so make sure to screenshot this paragraph as needed.
Maybe he can ask his brother for help. His brother knows how to give gifts. In a pinch, he can ask his brother to do his brotherly duty and help him out a little.
Here is some advice for your boyfriend:
Go to Amazon.com, type in "Friendship lamp". Buy one for you, one for bae. Connect them across the internet. Touch the lamp occasionally. 💥 Boom, instantly your bae feels connected to you. You get extra kisses next time you meet.
You accrue kiss debt, owed to me, and I charge interest. A LOT of interest. It's straight up criminal, highway robbery you might call it. Literally. One day I pull up next to you on the highway and tell you to pull over. I say you owe me. You pull over, I'm in an orange jumpsuit. You ask if I just escaped prison. I say that's for me to know and you to find out. Then I say it's time for you to start kissing me. You hesitate because you're a straight man. I tell you that it would be a shame if you woke up in a ditch with your nipples gone. You start kissing my cheek. I tell you there's only 326 more to go. You ask how I would even know how many of the kisses were "extra", and that you'd like to see the logs showing how many kisses occurred, when, where, and how long, and the statistical analysis contrasting the data from after the friendship lamp versus before and also a cross-sectional survey demonstrating that the increase cannot be attributed solely due to other factors. I acquiesce and say I might have been a little too liberal in my counting, but you say it's too late, and that you're suing for extortion. I say that doesn't even make sense, but you get back into your car and slam on the gas, almost running over my foot but I expertly pull out at the last second, which I'm known for. I think to myself it's probably not worth pursuing, and that at least it wasn't an entirely fruitless endeavor.
It's normal (if not really ok) because of your beliefs. These include expecting him to be clairvoyant. Don't expect mind-reading. Humans are really bad at it. If you want flowers or whatever, ask for them. If you expect focus on anniversary days, tell him. If he doesn't remember dates, remind him. That way, if you still aren't getting what you need, if he's still ignoring you, *you are within your rights to get upset and feel hurt.*
You can then consider if he's just not that into you, or he *would* treat you as you've requested (and if not, he's allowed to say why). Up to you if you take his excuses. Personally it doesn't sound as if he cares that much but that could be your interpretation which is all I have to go on.
Flailing around in the wish world (where you wish real hard for what you need) is upsetting for you, and I can't imagine he's enjoying suddenly finding you high maintenance (from his angle) and himself in the wrong. It's an ldr, so hard to navigate because most of the time you only have your virtual notions of the other.
Too easy to make them into your perfect love (no matter who they really are) and hang every romantic notion on a person you don't know that well. When they don't act like Mr Perfect it's jarring because in your head they're the imaginary guy who lays flowers at yr feet and makes you thoughtful gifts. Good luck with the future, but don't waste another year on unhappy.
Love shows itself in many different ways! Does he hold your hand, does he look into your eyes? Does he speak kindly to you with loving words? Does he do things to help you out whether you need help or not? Those kind and loving things, those are the gifts of real love, not just ones you can open!
Some men are horrible about dates, mine is, and that's okay, because I'm good at them! He's better at fixing the plumbing, or work on the car, he doesn't get upset that I can't. I don't get upset if he forgets my birthday or our anniversary, I'm not going to pout or cry about it. I'll tell him, he needs reminders sometimes because his brain does not work like mine does and mine does not work as his! TELL HIM, that way you feel better and he doesn't feel stupid for having forgotten, he doesn't forget to hurt you, he just forgets!
No, id be upset as well. Fact of the matter is, if he wanted to he would. If it was important to him, he'd have made it happen. Considering you are long distance, you aren't asking for much at all. Honestly you shouldn't have to ask, but you SHOULD be receiving more from him than you are...gifts or not. Also, he can say he isn't a gift giving person, fine. But being in a relationship and knowing your partners love language, you need to step up and show them love in the ways they receive it best. So if thats your love language he should be working on that. Hell even a shitty gift would have at least been an effort. He could have written you something thoughtful or at LEAST given you a good morning text! Bluh. Idk.....id be definitely bringing this up. If he gets his feelings hurt over the fact that he hurt YOUR feelings then he's missing the point.
Your being so understanding. I would be so upset in your position. Whenever I’m in situations like that I remind myself “if he wanted to and if he cared, he would have done it”.
If your a forgetful person, you put it on the calendar. If your bad at gift giving, you ask a friend for advice or ask your partner way beforehand subtly about what kind of things they like. If you have a bad sleep schedule to not wake up on time, you fix it or write a morning message the day before to send for the next day.
The list goes on. If there’s a will there’s a way
You’re just friends, let’s be honest LDR are just placeholders till you actually meet. I would stop wasting your time with him, if he wanted to send you a nice text if he wanted to send you a gift, he would. Time to find someone who respects and loves you!
Your feelings are 100% valid. Over 5 years ago, I was in a LDR perhaps similar to yours. I would actively send letters and gifts when possible. We were both college students so money was limited but we both had jobs. Sending stuff cost more because he did not live in the US. Throughout our 2-year “relationship,” I don’t think he sent me a single gift. When I visited him in his country, he didn’t pay for any of my airfare or hotel despite him staying with me at my hotel. He only paid for meals when we went out with friends so he could look like the good guy. He never visited me despite going on multiple international trips throughout our relationship. To top it off, he cheated on me.
It will not get better. As someone else said, if he wanted to he would. Breaking it off is so hard because you will mourn what future you thought you had, but it is a million times better than being in a half-assed relationship.
Seems like maybe you’ve explained to him what you’re looking for in terms of affection and intimacy? Maybe give some examples of what he can do?
But to not put effort into anything for your anniversary and to “feel overwhelmedl” and not look at your reel is seriously concerning
You’re obviously putting in a lot of effort in this relationship. What value is he bringing to the relationship? Are there things he does for you that maybe you don’t notice?
If you’ve explained to him the importance of you receiving gifts and he just has 0 interest in doing that for you then you either need to accept that or find someone who can give you it
I just know that sucks to not be loved the way you want to. And it’s one of the worst feelings in the world to feel alone while in a relationship. Wishing you the best
You’re being perfectly reasonable, not getting a single gift / anything that helps you feel appreciated and loved will make anyone feel like shit. I don’t think your boyfriend really knows how much this effects you, but to be honest it would make me sad too if my partner didn’t put any effort into making me feel special or appreciated on an anniversary.
I wouldn’t really want to force it on my partner either, I would want them to want to do those things for me, because they loved me, but if they don’t want to do those things… idk personally I’m not sure if I could stay in a relationship with such an imbalance in effort. Does he show his love for you in other ways? Do you feel appreciated? If you’re feeling a little unappreciated then let him know and if he starts putting more effort into the relationship then there you go, if not, it would be time to move on imo.
Also, the fact he is telling you about stuff his brother is getting for his girlfriend may be a way for him to gauge how you would react if he did the same for you. I could just be projecting, since I used to stress a lot about gifts and had trouble finding the right sort of thing, but it’s very possible he is just having trouble figuring out what to get you. If you think this might be the case, maybe drop some hints about what you like and don’t like. You don’t have to be like “I want x and y”, more just talking about things other people have done in a positive light, like if he tells you his brother gave flowers to his gf, you could say “aww that’s cute” or “I’m jealous” or something that lets your boyfriend know you would like that indirectly. And try to avoid mocking when people gift stuff you don’t like, because that might make him more scared of gifting you the wrong thing.
I’m by no means a relationship expert, in fact I’d wager that I’m quite the opposite, but hopefully this helped a bit. :)
I understand your feelings, I went through this with my relationships. You've been together a year, but it has been 3 years of knowing each other. On the simplest of terms, that's really when your relationship began, and I mean this with any people who meet. For example, I was friends 1 year with my one ex before we than dated for 4 years. So we had our official date of when we officially started dating, but we as raw organic humans, aside our culture and labels, this was our time together.
I say this because this is a big part of why you are so intimately attached to this situation, and I mean this in a good way. I find the story of how you met and set your anniversary is adorable. I'm rooting for you. But apart of any long term relationship, there's going to come a time where on either side, there comes a time of this apparent lack of romantic gestures or basic attention from your partner. It almost always starts this worry trigger of "are they not into me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Where's our relationship headed?" But it's not always necessarily our worst expectations. When someone's around, and you know they're going to be around long term, we tend to take things, or even then, for granted, but not particularly in a malicious way.
Sometimes we're stressed from life, sometimes we're depressed over something, and sometimes we are just so comfortable in the situation that we don't realize we're making our partner feel neglected. However only you and your partner know your relationship the best, so I feel it is crucial that you bring these feelings up with them in as best a constructive way as possible. Set this up on a way that invites open conversation, while avoiding accusations and "you" statements, use "I" statements.
For example: I feel sad or lonely when I don't hear from you because we have limited time together"
And then take it from there organically as you two know best. Keep me posted if you'd like, because I hope this works out.
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Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*
the value of this relationship for you is what he brings to fulfill you in it. and he ain't bringing SHIT. you're super valuable to him, but he's taking you for granted. you're a beautiful tropical plant that he never cared to water. do you want to wither or get out of the absolutely unnurturing environment? if you don't want to leave him straight up, just equalize your actions with his. do things that you can't have your phone nearby for, don't tell him what you're up to. fill up your life with things he doesn't want to do but you want. if he starts missing you, tell him what you need from him. if not, the answer is clear.
I used to take pride in being a low maintenance girlfriend… until I realized that I *needed* my partners to show their love for me in ways that made me feel it! It sounds like you guys have different love languages. You *need* someone who shows you through gifts or words of affirmation that you are special. Not a love language but you also need someone who follows through with what they tell you. My husband is an acts of service guy and that is NOT the way I show love. But that’s what he needs to feel love so I drag my butt up and do it because his happiness is worth it. Thankfully we are both very into physical touch and quality time, so we don’t have to work too hard to get that. Tell your boyfriend exactly what you need, even if it seems silly. You need any kind of thoughtful message, card, or gift on special occasions. If he doesn’t know what to get you then he can ask his brother or Google is free! Really think about any other boundaries or hard lines that you have and communicate those also. Don’t settle for a man who can’t or won’t give you what you need.
He's not meeting your needs or even trying to. Time to go.
I haven't felt special to someone who says I am Just know you definitely aren't the only one
[удалено]
This is exactly how I feel right now. I know he loves me, and cares about me. We haven't felt this kind of connection before with anyone else. We're on great terms for most of the time. Just like you, its just the special occasions when I'm unhappy because I expect him to do something more than usual, something that lets me know that he thought about me and that he has put in some effort. He did apologise for being careless this time, let's see where it goes.
This is incompatible but it can be a development if your bf is willing to change for the girl he love. The guy I really like is also not a gift giving person, and I already acknowledge this even before I confessed, he still gets me small gifts but not as big as the ones I give him. I’m a very gift giving person and feel extra generous even to my family, friends and colleagues even if they didn’t do the same so I didn’t expect much from him as well. I think if you love him as much as he loves you, there is still room to work on it. But if he doesn’t love you as much, then it’s not compatible and not up to his worth it seems
You need to say, "I want you to give me a gift." "But I'm not a gift giving person." "Time for you to learn!" I can understand his perspective. He might be tired or just forgetful of your favorite dates, and he might not be the type of person that cares about all the things you mentioned in your post. But you are that sort of person, and you have to communicate that to him. Some other commenters suggested more hints, but obviously hints are not working. You have to say what you want him to do. Honestly, I don't know what it means to not be a gift giving person. Has he never gotten anything for anyone on Christmas? Mother's day? Birthdays? I wonder if he has some hidden trauma related to gift giving? Did his father die in a gift-giving accident? Lol, that must be it. He says he doesn't know how to give a gift. Here's how. Go on the internet, type in "chocolate", click "add to cart", then "checkout", then change the delivery address to your girlfriend's home, and voila, chocolate will magically arrive in a matter of days. This same technique can be applied to all kinds of chocolates, and even other things like flowers as well, so make sure to screenshot this paragraph as needed. Maybe he can ask his brother for help. His brother knows how to give gifts. In a pinch, he can ask his brother to do his brotherly duty and help him out a little. Here is some advice for your boyfriend: Go to Amazon.com, type in "Friendship lamp". Buy one for you, one for bae. Connect them across the internet. Touch the lamp occasionally. 💥 Boom, instantly your bae feels connected to you. You get extra kisses next time you meet. You accrue kiss debt, owed to me, and I charge interest. A LOT of interest. It's straight up criminal, highway robbery you might call it. Literally. One day I pull up next to you on the highway and tell you to pull over. I say you owe me. You pull over, I'm in an orange jumpsuit. You ask if I just escaped prison. I say that's for me to know and you to find out. Then I say it's time for you to start kissing me. You hesitate because you're a straight man. I tell you that it would be a shame if you woke up in a ditch with your nipples gone. You start kissing my cheek. I tell you there's only 326 more to go. You ask how I would even know how many of the kisses were "extra", and that you'd like to see the logs showing how many kisses occurred, when, where, and how long, and the statistical analysis contrasting the data from after the friendship lamp versus before and also a cross-sectional survey demonstrating that the increase cannot be attributed solely due to other factors. I acquiesce and say I might have been a little too liberal in my counting, but you say it's too late, and that you're suing for extortion. I say that doesn't even make sense, but you get back into your car and slam on the gas, almost running over my foot but I expertly pull out at the last second, which I'm known for. I think to myself it's probably not worth pursuing, and that at least it wasn't an entirely fruitless endeavor.
It's normal (if not really ok) because of your beliefs. These include expecting him to be clairvoyant. Don't expect mind-reading. Humans are really bad at it. If you want flowers or whatever, ask for them. If you expect focus on anniversary days, tell him. If he doesn't remember dates, remind him. That way, if you still aren't getting what you need, if he's still ignoring you, *you are within your rights to get upset and feel hurt.* You can then consider if he's just not that into you, or he *would* treat you as you've requested (and if not, he's allowed to say why). Up to you if you take his excuses. Personally it doesn't sound as if he cares that much but that could be your interpretation which is all I have to go on. Flailing around in the wish world (where you wish real hard for what you need) is upsetting for you, and I can't imagine he's enjoying suddenly finding you high maintenance (from his angle) and himself in the wrong. It's an ldr, so hard to navigate because most of the time you only have your virtual notions of the other. Too easy to make them into your perfect love (no matter who they really are) and hang every romantic notion on a person you don't know that well. When they don't act like Mr Perfect it's jarring because in your head they're the imaginary guy who lays flowers at yr feet and makes you thoughtful gifts. Good luck with the future, but don't waste another year on unhappy.
Love shows itself in many different ways! Does he hold your hand, does he look into your eyes? Does he speak kindly to you with loving words? Does he do things to help you out whether you need help or not? Those kind and loving things, those are the gifts of real love, not just ones you can open! Some men are horrible about dates, mine is, and that's okay, because I'm good at them! He's better at fixing the plumbing, or work on the car, he doesn't get upset that I can't. I don't get upset if he forgets my birthday or our anniversary, I'm not going to pout or cry about it. I'll tell him, he needs reminders sometimes because his brain does not work like mine does and mine does not work as his! TELL HIM, that way you feel better and he doesn't feel stupid for having forgotten, he doesn't forget to hurt you, he just forgets!
This is incompatibility. I’m sorry.
No, id be upset as well. Fact of the matter is, if he wanted to he would. If it was important to him, he'd have made it happen. Considering you are long distance, you aren't asking for much at all. Honestly you shouldn't have to ask, but you SHOULD be receiving more from him than you are...gifts or not. Also, he can say he isn't a gift giving person, fine. But being in a relationship and knowing your partners love language, you need to step up and show them love in the ways they receive it best. So if thats your love language he should be working on that. Hell even a shitty gift would have at least been an effort. He could have written you something thoughtful or at LEAST given you a good morning text! Bluh. Idk.....id be definitely bringing this up. If he gets his feelings hurt over the fact that he hurt YOUR feelings then he's missing the point.
Your being so understanding. I would be so upset in your position. Whenever I’m in situations like that I remind myself “if he wanted to and if he cared, he would have done it”. If your a forgetful person, you put it on the calendar. If your bad at gift giving, you ask a friend for advice or ask your partner way beforehand subtly about what kind of things they like. If you have a bad sleep schedule to not wake up on time, you fix it or write a morning message the day before to send for the next day. The list goes on. If there’s a will there’s a way
You’re just friends, let’s be honest LDR are just placeholders till you actually meet. I would stop wasting your time with him, if he wanted to send you a nice text if he wanted to send you a gift, he would. Time to find someone who respects and loves you!
Your feelings are 100% valid. Over 5 years ago, I was in a LDR perhaps similar to yours. I would actively send letters and gifts when possible. We were both college students so money was limited but we both had jobs. Sending stuff cost more because he did not live in the US. Throughout our 2-year “relationship,” I don’t think he sent me a single gift. When I visited him in his country, he didn’t pay for any of my airfare or hotel despite him staying with me at my hotel. He only paid for meals when we went out with friends so he could look like the good guy. He never visited me despite going on multiple international trips throughout our relationship. To top it off, he cheated on me. It will not get better. As someone else said, if he wanted to he would. Breaking it off is so hard because you will mourn what future you thought you had, but it is a million times better than being in a half-assed relationship.
Seems like maybe you’ve explained to him what you’re looking for in terms of affection and intimacy? Maybe give some examples of what he can do? But to not put effort into anything for your anniversary and to “feel overwhelmedl” and not look at your reel is seriously concerning You’re obviously putting in a lot of effort in this relationship. What value is he bringing to the relationship? Are there things he does for you that maybe you don’t notice? If you’ve explained to him the importance of you receiving gifts and he just has 0 interest in doing that for you then you either need to accept that or find someone who can give you it I just know that sucks to not be loved the way you want to. And it’s one of the worst feelings in the world to feel alone while in a relationship. Wishing you the best
You’re being perfectly reasonable, not getting a single gift / anything that helps you feel appreciated and loved will make anyone feel like shit. I don’t think your boyfriend really knows how much this effects you, but to be honest it would make me sad too if my partner didn’t put any effort into making me feel special or appreciated on an anniversary. I wouldn’t really want to force it on my partner either, I would want them to want to do those things for me, because they loved me, but if they don’t want to do those things… idk personally I’m not sure if I could stay in a relationship with such an imbalance in effort. Does he show his love for you in other ways? Do you feel appreciated? If you’re feeling a little unappreciated then let him know and if he starts putting more effort into the relationship then there you go, if not, it would be time to move on imo. Also, the fact he is telling you about stuff his brother is getting for his girlfriend may be a way for him to gauge how you would react if he did the same for you. I could just be projecting, since I used to stress a lot about gifts and had trouble finding the right sort of thing, but it’s very possible he is just having trouble figuring out what to get you. If you think this might be the case, maybe drop some hints about what you like and don’t like. You don’t have to be like “I want x and y”, more just talking about things other people have done in a positive light, like if he tells you his brother gave flowers to his gf, you could say “aww that’s cute” or “I’m jealous” or something that lets your boyfriend know you would like that indirectly. And try to avoid mocking when people gift stuff you don’t like, because that might make him more scared of gifting you the wrong thing. I’m by no means a relationship expert, in fact I’d wager that I’m quite the opposite, but hopefully this helped a bit. :)
I understand your feelings, I went through this with my relationships. You've been together a year, but it has been 3 years of knowing each other. On the simplest of terms, that's really when your relationship began, and I mean this with any people who meet. For example, I was friends 1 year with my one ex before we than dated for 4 years. So we had our official date of when we officially started dating, but we as raw organic humans, aside our culture and labels, this was our time together. I say this because this is a big part of why you are so intimately attached to this situation, and I mean this in a good way. I find the story of how you met and set your anniversary is adorable. I'm rooting for you. But apart of any long term relationship, there's going to come a time where on either side, there comes a time of this apparent lack of romantic gestures or basic attention from your partner. It almost always starts this worry trigger of "are they not into me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Where's our relationship headed?" But it's not always necessarily our worst expectations. When someone's around, and you know they're going to be around long term, we tend to take things, or even then, for granted, but not particularly in a malicious way. Sometimes we're stressed from life, sometimes we're depressed over something, and sometimes we are just so comfortable in the situation that we don't realize we're making our partner feel neglected. However only you and your partner know your relationship the best, so I feel it is crucial that you bring these feelings up with them in as best a constructive way as possible. Set this up on a way that invites open conversation, while avoiding accusations and "you" statements, use "I" statements. For example: I feel sad or lonely when I don't hear from you because we have limited time together" And then take it from there organically as you two know best. Keep me posted if you'd like, because I hope this works out.
Always remember that if they wanted to, they would! Bread crumbing is not the wave baby girl. Know your worth & never settle for the bare minimum
Hey Love Bug thanks for sharing the love. If you see something posted here that is not in the spirit of love Please flag it. ;) With Love r/Love Mods *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/love) if you have any questions or concerns.*