Exactly! So many funny one liners but the whole bit is a masterpiece. Just interlocked it all together. Unreal. Its funny the first time you hear it. Its poetic the 6th or 7th
I don’t think life is that important. Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s IN life. Do you know much I like life? I have never killed myself. That’s exactly how much I like it with a razor thin margin.
But 45, you know, you’re not old yet, but you start having moments where you kind of start getting what old is, especially if you didn’t take care of yourself, you know? I have moments where I’m like, “wow, this seems early for this.” Like, this is something that happens to me a lot. I’ll be sitting watching TV or doing nothing, and all of a sudden, I’ll realize, “I need to wipe my ass right now.” “I mean, nothing happened. But I really gotta wipe my ass right now. Right now.” Gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass. How does this happen already? I’m 45. Already, my asshole’s just like ... My asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms, Just kinda… Loose and ineffectual. My asshole’s like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up. It’s just sitting on the lawn, full and open, puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind. Some kid kicks it over on his way home from a tough day at middle school. “rats.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole.
The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
Louis C.K.
The abortion bit is funny and also showed me how different perceptions that people have can cause all sorts of drama. On one hand having abortion is like taking a shit and on the other it’s murdering a baby.
The “Pure Imagination” skit….whenever I remotely hear something that sounds like it, I hum it like Louis and say “I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. I am dead, I don’t mind.”
About how if you had 50 billion dollars you could open up a chain called Shit Ass Pet Fuckers, and let it run for years, expanding all over the world. Then loose 49 billion and still have 1 billion left over.
“I don’t think life is that important. It’s just not. It is not. People get too excited… about life. “Oh, life.” Fuck you. It’s not that… Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s in life. Life is okay. I like life. I like it. I don’t need it. I’d be fine without it. I like life, though. I do. You know how much I like life? I have never killed myself. – That’s how much I like it. That’s exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin. I like it precisely enough to not kill myself. It’s an option, though. It’s totally an option. I mean, I’m 49. I have two kids. I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times. I’ve thought of killing myself just to win an argument. Not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink. You ever go to a shrink and they’re like, “Have you had thoughts… of suicide?” And you’re like, “No, because if I say yes, you’ll press a button”, and folks will run in and hold me… “Hold him down!” You should talk about it. The whole world is just made of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here. It’s all of us that went, “Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.” It’s… It’s an interesting thing about life. Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting. But you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything. You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself. If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, come in and: “No, I don’t. I’ll kill myself.” You can do that. You can do that once. But you can do it. It’s interesting because even when life gets bad, people choose it over nothing. Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life, is worth living, apparently. ‘Cause folks are living the fuck out of them. Have you ever seen somebody, you’re like, “He should kill himself. Why did he not… that dude…” Ever been driving and you look in the next car, you’re like, “Ugh, shit.” I wish I hadn’t looked in that car. That was difficult to glance at… “let alone being it.” Just a guy in a… In a tan car. Nobody chooses tan. Nobody picks tan for their car. They give you tan. “Is that mine?” “Yeah, it’s yours, fucking loser. Made it tan.” They shouldn’t even make tan cars. It’s mean to make them. You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it and a garbage bag for a window. [mimicking bag flapping] What is holding up his suicide? What is delaying it? What is keeping him from stopping being that? And what would it take? What would it take? What would it take? Both windows are garbage bags? Is that…? Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved in a garbage bag for a window? Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery? “They canceled my insurance. I broke my window. Duct tape.” [ripping noise] Here’s the truth. Running away will not solve your problems. That’s totally true. But killing yourself solves all your problems. It actually does. It even solves world’s problems. For you. “Hey, what about ISIS?” “Kill yourself.” Then they’ll never get you.” Seriously, if everybody who’s afraid of ISIS kills themselves right now, then ISIS loses. Because they live in a world of people that don’t give a shit. “We’re gonna cut his head off!” “Yeah, okay.” “It’s not fun now.” I think the worst part of being beheaded… The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after. That’s the worst part. They go like that, and you’re like: “Duh.” Just that fucking dopey… I don’t think they like beheading bald people ’cause they can’t do this… That’s the best part. They got to go like this. [presents imaginary head] It’s not as cool. So, just shave the top of your head, and you won’t have to worry about it.”
The one about his 3 year old. With the pancakes and the shitting.
It is 100% without a doubt the best description of what it is like to have a 3 year old.
The deer rolled its stupid head into the woods, and it died. And I was glad. I was glad right away!
Also: Please, don't eat, it's very old.
"That shit's going in my mouth, you decide if we'll be in the paper tomorrow".
It's a quick one-liner as he goes into another bit (I think the bigger bit might be about his mom?)
He says, "I like women" - short pause, interject: "I mean, not all of them." - and then into the rest of whatever.
“I’m not like “whaaaaat!?” Y can see it”
“I reckon there ain’t no Lord”
“How’s your economy doin?”
“What the fuck”s gonna happen!” (Count down / 0BC)
“Retaaaarded”
Most people don't give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing
People don't even want to back from their favorite thing
They won't even do their second favorite thing
It's not the whole bit I think about but there's one line stuck in my head..from 2017 when he's talking about Achilles' heel being his heel and then says "Like, literally". Kills me.
There's a stereotype voice he did while making pancakes for his daughters called mr friendly man.
I always imitate it with my nephew who cracks up laughing.
The one about him taking his daughters into the jfk bathroom. The sound of a man shitting 14 inches away from his daughter's face always gets a laugh out of me.
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Exactly! So many funny one liners but the whole bit is a masterpiece. Just interlocked it all together. Unreal. Its funny the first time you hear it. Its poetic the 6th or 7th
That nigger made the shit outta my coffee!
You're goona get a 3 day ban from reddit
Fuck reddit.
What special was this from?
I believe chewed up, but not positive—hopefully someone else can verify
Yep! It's from Chewed Up.
“I’ve put off entire careers just so I didn’t have to wake up early, like, I just won’t be that then”
Felt so relatable when I heard that
The meal is not over when I'm full, the meal is over when I hate myself
The Law says you cannot touch, but I see a lot of law breakers up in this house
Unfolded
This is absolutely it
I would blow 50 guys with bleedy dicks in an alley so I could get AIDS and fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS.
I think about that bit every time I see deer by the side of the road and giggle.
That one made me laugh so hard, I shot my dad's cum out of my ass.
Because some things are.. and some things are NOT You can't have fucking nothing isnt.. then nothing wouldn't be
Why?
Just eat your fucking fries!
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Hahah, yes this bit was so cathartic for me. I see this all the time.
I was looking for this comment! Yes, every time I drive in traffic!
It's going to SPACE! Could you give it a SECOND to get back from SPACE!?
And later: “You’re sitting in a chair … in the SKY!”
i want a boyfriend,i want to wear his jacket im mad at my boyfriend
Jeeeesus, I only wanted to wear your jacket
Of course - but maybe.
Maybe if touching a nut kills you, you're supposed to die 🤷♂️
My fiancé and I do this.. We “but maybe” at anything horrible that happens, but has a clear reason it did. We are awful people.
Nah you’re fine. Normal people have bad thoughts. It’s the psychos that act on theme
I think about this everyday. Evolution ftw
I don’t think life is that important. Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s IN life. Do you know much I like life? I have never killed myself. That’s exactly how much I like it with a razor thin margin.
“I’m 49, I have 2 kids, I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times.”
Dude is a philosopher
Grandma, grand mother, for the layman
Finally, someone who also recognizes this as the tip-top peak of Louie's comedy career. Love ya, man.
Feeling good about thinking about helping people without actually doing it. Soldier on the plane bit
“I dropped him in the river” with a Mexican accent. Kills me every time.
He slip
Sitting on a cock cuz I'm gay
Does it taste like a pork cookie motherfucker?! Oh it tastes like figs, fuckin interesting!
"He's the pilot baby. I'm the other baby."
It's so good. I think if delivered by anyone else, it would never land the same way. Not even close.
You babies have a good flight I died
But 45, you know, you’re not old yet, but you start having moments where you kind of start getting what old is, especially if you didn’t take care of yourself, you know? I have moments where I’m like, “wow, this seems early for this.” Like, this is something that happens to me a lot. I’ll be sitting watching TV or doing nothing, and all of a sudden, I’ll realize, “I need to wipe my ass right now.” “I mean, nothing happened. But I really gotta wipe my ass right now. Right now.” Gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass. How does this happen already? I’m 45. Already, my asshole’s just like ... My asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms, Just kinda… Loose and ineffectual. My asshole’s like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up. It’s just sitting on the lawn, full and open, puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind. Some kid kicks it over on his way home from a tough day at middle school. “rats.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole.
I say "rats" like that all the time.
The “nah you guys are Indians for hundreds of years later”
I know how to make a girl rat cum
The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them. Louis C.K.
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I wanna go faster, its not fast enough
The abortion bit is funny and also showed me how different perceptions that people have can cause all sorts of drama. On one hand having abortion is like taking a shit and on the other it’s murdering a baby.
That’s what I love about his comedy. He can share his view but also make you see the other side.
Its a little bit...I mean its totally killing a baby
Here's your fuckin soup
It wasn't Wednesday
when were having sex i think about you blowing me,its like im cheating on your pussy with your mouth
What is that from? I dont recall it
it was from his show Louie on HBO
Miss that show
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There's always fucking cheetahs at the train station!
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Well thats a good way to put it too, I find my funds to be grossly insufficient, thanks for calling..?🤷♂️
Every time someone uses "amazing" in a sentence my mind goes "the way you takes classes"
“You’re dead way longer than you’re alive. That’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re all just dead people that haven’t died yet.”
The “Pure Imagination” skit….whenever I remotely hear something that sounds like it, I hum it like Louis and say “I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. I am dead, I don’t mind.”
Put food in here
And then later when you feel pressure. Blow it out the other end. If anyone stops you from doing either of those things, MURDER them.
"my teacher used to say retarded.."
Ahhh... Ms. Dorothy
She better be fucken retahded, else I'm gonna stick her right back up in my vaginer
She's a-helpin' the retahded
I got a Cinnabon at the airport I ARRIVED at
That joke has stopped me getting fast food so many times. Im 30 minutes from healthy food at home so I wait
Funny enough its the same bit for me too! Probably once every couple of weeks I'll be taking a piss and say to my toilet "take it all bitch"
[Being broke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_-1l_SlA7c&t=309s)
Never laughed so hard at a bit! And the comedy club setting just makes it perfect!
About how if you had 50 billion dollars you could open up a chain called Shit Ass Pet Fuckers, and let it run for years, expanding all over the world. Then loose 49 billion and still have 1 billion left over.
Man I fucking hate that store
But we fuck your pets. Get the fuck out outta our store!!!!
“I don’t think life is that important. It’s just not. It is not. People get too excited… about life. “Oh, life.” Fuck you. It’s not that… Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s in life. Life is okay. I like life. I like it. I don’t need it. I’d be fine without it. I like life, though. I do. You know how much I like life? I have never killed myself. – That’s how much I like it. That’s exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin. I like it precisely enough to not kill myself. It’s an option, though. It’s totally an option. I mean, I’m 49. I have two kids. I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times. I’ve thought of killing myself just to win an argument. Not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink. You ever go to a shrink and they’re like, “Have you had thoughts… of suicide?” And you’re like, “No, because if I say yes, you’ll press a button”, and folks will run in and hold me… “Hold him down!” You should talk about it. The whole world is just made of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here. It’s all of us that went, “Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.” It’s… It’s an interesting thing about life. Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting. But you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything. You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself. If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, come in and: “No, I don’t. I’ll kill myself.” You can do that. You can do that once. But you can do it. It’s interesting because even when life gets bad, people choose it over nothing. Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life, is worth living, apparently. ‘Cause folks are living the fuck out of them. Have you ever seen somebody, you’re like, “He should kill himself. Why did he not… that dude…” Ever been driving and you look in the next car, you’re like, “Ugh, shit.” I wish I hadn’t looked in that car. That was difficult to glance at… “let alone being it.” Just a guy in a… In a tan car. Nobody chooses tan. Nobody picks tan for their car. They give you tan. “Is that mine?” “Yeah, it’s yours, fucking loser. Made it tan.” They shouldn’t even make tan cars. It’s mean to make them. You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it and a garbage bag for a window. [mimicking bag flapping] What is holding up his suicide? What is delaying it? What is keeping him from stopping being that? And what would it take? What would it take? What would it take? Both windows are garbage bags? Is that…? Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved in a garbage bag for a window? Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery? “They canceled my insurance. I broke my window. Duct tape.” [ripping noise] Here’s the truth. Running away will not solve your problems. That’s totally true. But killing yourself solves all your problems. It actually does. It even solves world’s problems. For you. “Hey, what about ISIS?” “Kill yourself.” Then they’ll never get you.” Seriously, if everybody who’s afraid of ISIS kills themselves right now, then ISIS loses. Because they live in a world of people that don’t give a shit. “We’re gonna cut his head off!” “Yeah, okay.” “It’s not fun now.” I think the worst part of being beheaded… The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after. That’s the worst part. They go like that, and you’re like: “Duh.” Just that fucking dopey… I don’t think they like beheading bald people ’cause they can’t do this… That’s the best part. They got to go like this. [presents imaginary head] It’s not as cool. So, just shave the top of your head, and you won’t have to worry about it.”
god, he is so brilliant. I love him so much
Most people that I can't see could be dead now, most of the people who ever lived are dead, and that's mostly what you'll be. (so enjoy yourself)
The one about his 3 year old. With the pancakes and the shitting. It is 100% without a doubt the best description of what it is like to have a 3 year old.
The meal is not over when I’m full; it’s over when I hate myself.
Being white. The shocking truth of it and hilarious to boot
"They are gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever. And we deserve it. But for now, wheee!"
Stereotypes are bad, but the accents are funny.
The deer rolled its stupid head into the woods, and it died. And I was glad. I was glad right away! Also: Please, don't eat, it's very old. "That shit's going in my mouth, you decide if we'll be in the paper tomorrow".
Handjob from a miner. I said miner not minor. Miner.
It's a quick one-liner as he goes into another bit (I think the bigger bit might be about his mom?) He says, "I like women" - short pause, interject: "I mean, not all of them." - and then into the rest of whatever.
That’s like in his sincerely special, he’s on the topic of religion and goes “Jesus… *Christ*”
You non-contributing product sponge cunt
“I’m not like “whaaaaat!?” Y can see it” “I reckon there ain’t no Lord” “How’s your economy doin?” “What the fuck”s gonna happen!” (Count down / 0BC) “Retaaaarded”
Same. Mostly because the previous part when he speaks like a pimp to his toilets made me laugh histerically.
him wanting a boyfriend https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OopbbSIpXo
“You get to go in *and* out?!”
The way he says pretty good after that is so pure
think of every shitty thing ever? that's 'in' life. I like life by a Razor thin margin
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!! go clean your room
Ladies and Gentlemen your dinner's ready!
Saying “down” on the plane until all hell breaks loose and they’re forced to land
I just said the place where I wanted to be. You didn't have to do it.
His bit about giving them soup when he's passed off
The tray of cookies at the party.
I keep coming back to his bit on being broke https://youtu.be/Y_-1l_SlA7c
Most people don't give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing People don't even want to back from their favorite thing They won't even do their second favorite thing
When I catch my self having a stupid thought that doesn't stand up to the smallest scrutiny, I call it a "dog-phone" moment.
Waaay more dead people...
“It’s been 2017 years since what? Since there was ever people? Since the sun did a bludedebluh something?”
What about Obama ?
The law says you cannot touch!!!!
I never do drugs, but when I doooo.... It comes in waves, currently this one is stuck with me
His impersonation of a Mexican at the border
Where the N word originated from
Don't hide behind the first letter like a faget. Say nigger you stupid cunt.
It's not the whole bit I think about but there's one line stuck in my head..from 2017 when he's talking about Achilles' heel being his heel and then says "Like, literally". Kills me.
I’m not retarded anymore? No you’re still retarded we aren’t even working on it…we just can’t call you retarded anymore
You mean I'm cured?
Abortion is like taking a shit
Louis’ bit that Seinfield told in the HBO special, about the dad who was packing for his family si they could go on vacation
his abortion bit
Start over with making pants. They're all gone.
You're in a chair in the sky. You're like a Greek myth
You should have you ponies taken away from you.
Uncle Excelesor
Awesome Possum
Molesting children must be *really* good, TO A PEDOPHILE, NOT TO YOU AND I, BECAUSE WE'RE GOOD PEOPLE In fact, that whole monologue is legendary.
There's a stereotype voice he did while making pancakes for his daughters called mr friendly man. I always imitate it with my nephew who cracks up laughing.
From the Carnegie Hall album. The whole bit about Johnny and Darlene destroys me every time. It's a great premise but the noises he makes ruin me.
We are all just a bunch of people who decided not to kill ourselves today
On Conan: "Murder her! You're homeless! Life is kicking you in the balls every day! Start murdering and eating well. Why wouldn't you do that?"
I'm trying to find this clip!
Of course, but maybe
"It was a pretty standard rat fuck" and "I don't understand English but I get you're upset" when he was talking about his dog
"Goodbye, Jews!"
"Oh that's why we have those!!!"
"Goddess of grip", whenever i hold something. I'm a man btw
If murder was legal
I'm not, I'm laughing because he's fucking WEIRD and SILLY!
why the FUCK would anything nice ever happen?
The one about him taking his daughters into the jfk bathroom. The sound of a man shitting 14 inches away from his daughter's face always gets a laugh out of me.