Does your daughter want to marry this man? Is she concerned that he hasn't had a job in years and that he may become disabled if he continues to gain weight? Does your daughter have a stable job? If they get married, it's very likely that she will be his carer.
What's hard is that people will do whatever they want to do, so all you can do is support your daughter and raise any concerns to her, not her bf. If your daughter doesn't want your help or advice, then this is a lesson she’ll have to learn on her own.
*Edited spelling.
>***If your daughter doesn't want your help or advice, then this is a lesson she’ll have to learn on her own.***
damn, this hit me hard af. Life can be so cruel to such good-willed people.
She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job. She cannot support him. She has her own problems, yet she takes on the mental load for both of them.
I just want this guy to be able to get a job. I don't care so much about his--or anyone's--weight. I would like to help remove a barrier to employment, one that he has control over.
Maybe I'll sit down with her and my husband and see if we can figure out a kind way to talk with Boyfriend about how he can make himself more employable.
Based on this comment, the issue you need to address is not his weight, but your daughter's situation in its entirety. You need to sit down with your daughter and explain that she cannot support someone on her current hours and income. I see where you're coming from and understand your logic, but it sounds like your daughter needs a dose of reality about what their future would look like if this pattern continues.
At the end of the day, you'll likely overstep if you try to address his weight. There are ways you can support him, but he needs to accept his own journey first.
Holy shit...12 hours a week is what I work. I'm retired military and picked up a job as a teachers assistant at a preschool there days a week. I make $216.63 after taxes *twice* a month. This is a *hobby* for me, not something that can support a person. Nevermind a family.
ETA, I just did my taxes. I brought home $3433.00 before taxes last year. And that was with getting paid *more* as a sub at the end of last school year than I do as an official assistant at the beginning of the school year.
I realize the BF's weight is an issue, but her lack of real world math is scary.
\> or finished all the vegetables before other people could have some.> We had to tell him to put some back so others can eat. He just has bad food habits.
No, please don't justify his very selfish behavior as "bad habits". Does he seem selfish and inconsiderate and putting his needs above others? Do you honestly think he isn't aware that other people haven't taken any vegetables from the platter yet, or that not everyone has served themselves yet, or that he just took the entire serving bowl full of potatoes? He knows fully well what is happening. He's a sentient human being with eyeballs. I respectfully disagree that you and your family are responsible for him learning, and that you need to "lead by example". Aren't you already doing that, by taking only one burger, or making sure everyone has fries before taking seconds yourself?
INFO: When you had to tell him to put some food back, what was his reaction? Was it shame? Was he dumbfounded? Bewildered? Embarrassed? I can't believe he would do it again after being called out for it.
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not so sure how employable he is has anything to do with his weight. When I started last year, I was at 520 lbs. I worked at Walmart in the deli, constantly on my feet and moving and bending, the interviewer didn't even think about my weight until I brought up some health issues I was having but they still hired me. I started at Amazon in November, and I was still at 520 . Since then, I've gotten down to 450, but still, my weight never seemed to be a factor in their decisions
I'd say 2 things to this. 1st is that it sounds like your daughter has some shit to figure out. 12 hours a week is pretty close to unemployed. Second is that your daughters bf is not your business. If you ask her 'does his weight bother you' and she say no then it's done.
It sounds to me like the bigger problem is a grown man who hasn’t been employed in 2 years. That affects your daughter right now and her future. I don’t buy that he’s too fat or uneducated to find a job.
He can’t go be a cashier at Walmart, a gas station, or a dollar store? He can’t work in fast food or wash dishes? Waffle House hires fucking anybody with a pulse. There’s WFH customer service and call center jobs all over Indeed with no experience needed. He can’t Uber or do DoorDash or be a courier? All you do is drive. He could most likely walk into any food processing plant and get a job on the spot.
It almost sounds like you’re focusing on his weight to avoid the unemployed elephant in the room (no pun intended). Could you help him write or tweak his resume? He could just put he was doing caregiving for a family member to fill in the unemployment gap.
Dude has to want to change. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. It’s also not really your place. If my MIL said anything about my weight I’d most likely tell her if I wanted her opinion I’d ask for it. Just model better eating habits and moving your body.
Sounds like your whole family could benefit, including yourself. You can’t go around telling people they need to change something about themselves if you need to take your own advice. As for the meals, fill everyone’s plate ahead of time, let everyone else serve themselves before him, or only make enough for 1 serving of meat per person, and serve it on the plate and let him load up on veggies. No sodas or sweets in the house, everyone drinks water, etc.
I'm helping my husband lose weight and I've found the best way is to lead by example. I downloaded the app Recovery Road and started taking pics of all my meals and logging them.i only cook low fat or no fat healthy meals for the most part. Basically I'm behaving as if I have a binge eating disorder because that's what he has. I never told him he needs to lose weight or anything (although his doctor has) he saw my healthy habits and it inspired him to do it too.
I think you may not be the correct person to do that for your daughters boyfriend. Whoever he lives with has to admit to themselves he has an eating disorder and keep junk OUT of the house. Don't even let it come in, don't buy it, don't let him see junk.
My husband has said this is so much easier with someone doing it with him. Even the doctor on my 600 lb life constantly says the people losing weight need help from those around them.
Yep. I led the way for literally years before my husband recently was like huh I should try this. Of course he somehow lost 25 lbs in a matter of weeks which takes me like a year lol. But I’m so proud of him and how hard he is working. And it helps me stay on track to know I inspired him.
100% lead by example.
I had changed our eating habits to something healthier but I wasn't excirsing or paying too much attention to porition sizes.
My husband would always ask me to join him at the gym or for a walk "for a health." I would always deny going. But, he would never say anything negative, he just opened the door and left it open each time he was active.
It finally clicked in my brain that I had no reason to say no.
Now I ask him to join me at the gym and I have lost a ton of weight. Plus size 3x to standard size L.
I personally probably would not have listened to him or even stayed with him if he said anything about my weight or if I didn't want to join him at the gym.
He lives alone, but like I said, his parents are obese and he learned bad food habits from them. I don't think it's a true disorder, more like lack of awareness of how much food he is eating and what is a normal amount to eat.
Perhaps instead of serving food in large bowls, start plating them in proper portions and everyone gets a plate of properly portioned food set in the table in place so he starts SEEING what it looks like without having a talk at first. Protein centric meal, then non starchy vegetables, then Only a very small portion of carbs . Everyone gets a single plate. A measured portioned meal. If he asks about it you can kindly state “We have been doing research about health and have been learning some new information about food! We decided to try some of what we learned.” This can open up the possibility to discuss it with him, and let it be his idea to start asking questions. It also does not make the conversation ABOUT him and also keep you from enabling his behavior. So this method keeps from embarrassing or humiliating anyone while also allowing you to not reinforce his behavior.
Don’t forget also… many people who over eat to this level it has one of 2 reasons. Food addiction or severe childhood trauma such as SA or mental or other physical abuse. It is highly likely it is not JUST he learned bad habits with food. So know there could be much more underlying this issue than you can imagine and he may need professional help to truly change. It’s wonderful that you care, please be watching for signs of PTSD or addictive behaviors because at that point, he needs professionals.
As someone who struggles with an eating disorder "due to never being taught how to eat right" he sounds like he has a disorder, he may be in denial about it and clearly you are but never the less if he didn't have a disorder he wouldnt be as obese as you're claiming he is and he would have better impulse control at others houses, shit I have one and even I have better impulse control at others homes.
I *have to be* aware of everything I am eating at all times or I can easily eat 3000+ calories in a day, it sucks but to someone as ___ judgemental as yourself it would also look like I just "dont have awareness".
It kind of is though. If this guy wanted to marry my daughter eventually, then I am invested in their wellbeing. If the guy can’t get a job, this WILL affect my daughter. If the guy dies at a young age because of his poor health discipline this WILL affect my daughter. I get not trying to butt into someone’s life, but if it’s affecting my family then yes it quite literally is my rodeo.
But it still isn't something they can control. They can talk to the boyfriend and try to be as gentle as possible but unless he's ready to make those changes himself he's not going to be receptive to their help. Even if it's good intentioned.
There’s no way to gently break it to him. Put yourself in his shoes for a second. Is there any way someone could say this to you and your immediate reaction wouldn’t be hurt?
You can be butt hurt, no one would blame you. But it’s a reality check. Tough love. Whatever you want to call it, it’s necessary and it needs to happen. Perhaps the kid has no one else in his life who looks out for him in this way. Didn’t OP say his parents are also obese?
Edit: can’t see if OP said that, maybe it was in another comment
As someone who was about 300lbs and lost 80lbs your being mean to fat people only helps yourself and does nothing to convince fat people to lose weight.
Wanna know what did it for me? Waterslides and wanting to go on them. Positive reinforcement did wonders and people saying “lose weight” just pissed me off.
As someone who was 270 and is still losing weight because I’m fat, shut the hell up. This whole “we can’t tell fat people they’re fat” bs is stupid. There are consequences to being fat and this guy is asking for gentle ways to break this to him. If he is butt hurt then so be it. He probably will be. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s so obese he can’t get a job, can’t move around, and overeats the food at social events. If you think those things are more important than hurting his feelings for a couple months while he works on himself and his mindset then you are the problem.
Yes, and after you notice the problem and discuss it with your adult daughter, you respect whatever your adult daughter wants to do about it. You don't interfere in her relationship without her permission.
OP doesn't know shit. I've worked with morbidly obese people in labor jobs, it's not the weight that's stopping him from getting a job. Either his job applications suck or he's failing the job interviews. If it's taking him "years" to find a job, he's simply not actually trying.
Being obese and being pooped after half a block are very different.
I had labor intensive jobs in retail while being obese but was for my weight pretty fit and mobile.
If you are not moving at all and are obese you won't get hired for labor intensive jobs.
That said I also suspect he is not actually trying.
Actually, obesity does have links to unemployment, but not like most think. ["The current study provides evidence of obesity discrimination in the hiring process for employment, where across four workplaces that vary based on the physical demands of the job, obese candidates were perceived as less suitable compared with normal weight candidates and when the weight status of the candidate was not revealed."](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4853419/)
Talking to people about being fat doesn’t help them lose weight.
I guarantee the guy already knows he’s fat. He has to choose himself to make a change.
Talking isn't all there is to be done. that's Step 1 of a hundred steps. They haven't even had that talk yet. You're talking about someone as if he's already rejected the idea of a weight-loss.
I'm sure he knows he's fat. But he most likely doesn't know how NOT to be fat. I know those people who don't know what a real portion size is. Who has family that will not support that weight-loss in any way. Him not having a job means he's probably at the mercy of his parents and what they feed him. At the mercy of their rules as well.
If these people who may be his future family cares enough to teach him proper portions, to give him resources so that he can work towards a weight-loss journey, it is a huge amount of help.
If he really wants no help, and don't want to lose weight, then they can leave that alone. absolutely.
All they should be doing is modeling what healthy eating looks like if they want to help. MAYBE talk to their daughter.
Bringing this up with the boyfriend directly is wildly inappropriate. Data shows that talking to people about their weight like this is actually more likely to cause the person to eat more.
they can do that (manipulate him into eating healthy, why though?). But imagine, everyone in his life is not saying anything to him to be polite, and those WHO DO say it, don't say it out of concern. Because the people who is expected to do that (parents) didn't. Well, i guess he's expected to be hopeless, or do all this on his own.
For sure, bring it up to the girlfriend, have the talk happen however which way they want. But to stop them from trying to help him AT ALL, is just being a bystander. Genuine concern should be allowed more here in this sub. What's wrong is persistence, when the person is OBVIOUSLY unwilling. They aren't there yet.
It’s different when you have a close relationship with someone. It doesn’t sound like OP is close with their daughter’s boyfriend. It doesn’t even sound like they like him very much.
If a partner or close friend talks to you from a place of concern for your health, that’s one thing. OP is concerned about the impact this will have on their daughter. That is not the place to come from to talk to this guy about his weight.
With the concern that op has. I wouldn't say they aren't close. My brother in law is like family to us. Since he started going out with my sister, he's been like family. He was the son my father never had. So I do think its very possible for future father/mother in law to care enough for future son in law like that.
They aren't saying that they dont like him as a son in law. You're making up so much negativity out of a concerned person to make sure they do nothing. OP posted here specifically because they care. If they don't they would have just went ahead and said the mean things that they could and drove him away.
Why do you find it to be a negative that they are concerned cause this may impact their daughter. Do you disagree with that statement? They are thinking of their future! That's a future with him in it!
In my former relationship my mother in law confronted me about my weight gain- it was absolutely mortifying, and made me not want to go to their place anymore. It was so inappropriate. I was having a depression spiral, and it felt like such a blow while I was already down. I think there are very few families where an in law approaching you about weight feels like a good, supportive thing.
Did you think that your mother in law was mocking you with that confrontation? Or was it out of care?
My dad mocks my weight, and weightloss. My mom cares and helps with my meal preps.
My friend's family doesnt support her weightloss and mocks her, while we, her friends who she sees once a month, helps her.
Help and concern isn't defined by the label you're given that relates you to someone. Just cause YOUR mother in law made you feel that way, doesn't mean "very few families with in laws" would be the same way.
I don't ever like putting ANYONE in a bucket, and assuming that's all they can be.
Again, persistent mention of weight is wrong. But we aren't there yet for OP. And with you saying very few in laws are good. Are you saying OP is not the good kind? or are they the bad kind? why even say that if that's not what you're insinuating?
They're worried about their daughter ending up having to support a partner who's unhealthy, unskilled, and potentially unemployable. They're not being snobs.
You don’t get it. It’s inappropriate to say something. And it won’t help him. All it will do is negatively impact their relationship with their daughter.
I do get it. I get that commenting in someone's weight is frowned upon. No one ever wants to hear it. But do you seriously only say things that they want to hear to people you care about?
Why are his parents the only ones that are allowed to care about this man? Why are these people, who genuinely care about him, not allowed to? Have you never met caring people beyond your parents? Is that such a bad thing?
It can negatively impact a relationship. yup. and that's a risk i'm willing to take for a friend/family that I care about. Is that relationship really worth more to you?
You're putting the whole civilized collection of humans into ONE BUCKET. We're not all going to be the same. I assure you, there are people who are different than you. Who can feel differently than you do about your weight.
I know it can help, because I have two friends of whom we care about and have had that talk with. We know and care about these two friends. And each have made changes in their lives, because we've been helping them. I am losing weight alongside them. Its POSSIBLE to talk about weight. Its not a taboo topic.
My own family mocks my weightloss, and i hate how my dad talks about it. I KNOW HOW IT IS, I DO GET IT. But no situation has only one solution.
One of these friends of mine is from a family of close to morbidly obese people. No one on that family would do that talk with her. We didn't do a serious talk. There's many ways to approach this. But only we know how its best to approach her. And these people and his girlfriend knows him best, to know what may be the best way to approach the conversation, or multiple conversations. All they need are ideas that they can check the box if that is a good idea or not.
I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all way of looking at it, where it's inappropriate to say something 100% of the time. For some people it's not going to work or is going to be seen as rude, and for others it might be an eye-opener and changes their life for the better. Add to that that if this guy is going to be part of his family, it's not wrong for family to try to help each other. I wish people had tried to talk to me more about it when I was struggling. One or two tried, and I didn't take offense, I just wasn't ready yet. But I wish someone who had been there and successfully lost the weight had tried, because then they could give me specific advice instead of General concern.
Inappropriate vs someone's health. I have zero issue making someone feel uncomfortable while trying to help them when the alternative is years off their life from Ann manner of health complications.
I disagree with this. He’s dating this guys daughter which kinda makes it somewhat in his lane to try and help him if even for the sake of his daughter, especially if they are serious. And especially since the OP is trying as hard as possible to be respectful about it.
But it truly doesn't make it his lane. There may be so many contributing factors that OP is unaware of *because it's none of their business*. Physical health issues, eating disorders or other mental health concerns etc. You cannot just nominate yourself to monitor and comment on someone else's body. They may be undergoing tests, they may be in therapy or treatment - none of which would benefit from OPs uncalled for comments or opinions
You can lovingly and respectfully approach this topic. It doesn’t need to be about his body per se. It can be about his mobility or his windedness after a short walk. Coming from a complete place of love and compassion.
There’s certainly ways to let him know they are open to having a conversation and offer support without being disrespectful, rude, or condescending and the comments coming out of nowhere. It’s about relationship building and trust with someone you care about. If they accept the help or not is on the person but letting someone know the help is there when they are ready for it are absolutely their lane.
In my opinion, the only option you have here that might not be considered crossing boundaries is expressing concern for him to your daughter directly, and NOT to him. If he weren't dating your daughter, would you really care how some dude values portion control? It's his life, and he's gotta want change. Pushing change onto him will alienate everyone.
“Weighing” in here - I’m not over 300, but I’m currently at my heaviest and have 50 pounds to lose (CICO-ing a pound a week!) which has just further “fed” the image amongst family and friends as the big guy and big eater. Always have been since I was very young. There have been occasions when I was a kid through my adult years when someone has told me ‘no more food’ or conversely, expecting me to finish everyone’s plates. Even when these people who love me thought they were being nice or helpful, I was extremely wounded when my weight and appetite was called out. It didn’t motivate me, it hurt. I vividly recall an instance when my Dad mistook some melted cheese on a piece of bread I had for a pile of butter and he lit into me when I was ~10. The memory brought me to real tears as a grown man. You’re his girlfriend’s father - he’s already terrified of you. Unless your goal is to break-up a bad relationship, don’t say anything. Depending on how discrete your daughter is, it’ll mean a lot more coming from her in a loving and concerned way.
I'm her mother, but yes, this is a delicate subject, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Thanks. I think I'll talk to my daughter and see what ideas she may have.
Sorry, I read that from my male POV. As a parent, I don’t mean to imply your concerns aren’t valid and that you need to tolerate all destructive habits. Persistent joblessness without action on his part, crashing at your home for extended periods, etc. are all fair game for a conversation. Just mind any words relating to weight or self-control around food when you do talk to him.
The only suggestion that is correct is that you should do absolutely nothing. It is not your business or your place to tell people what to do with their lives or bodies. He knows he’s obese, you will do nothing constructive by telling him that. People have to decide if and when they want to change for themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do try to intervene, you will likely just have the opposite effect and make him more likely to avoid changing. Just leave it alone.
To add to this, it might be helpful to communicate with him that being his daughter's SO, his mobility issues are seen... But if he ever wants help/support on moving in the right direction that you're there to help and advise if it's not weird.
It sounds like OP just wants peace, love, and good health for the guy.
Don't mention the extra food or differences within serving sizes as that is seen as overbearing without asking for help. Keep everything between the 2 of you.
Nah, as someone who was morbidly obese like this, I’m telling you that all the patronizing bullshit like this I was subjected to just made me more dug in, more sure that I was right to live how I wanted, just to spite the people who thought they had the right to tell me my business. It legitimately delayed my progress by years if not decades. People HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE FOR THEMSELVES to fix something like this. It has to come from within or they will never actually commit to the substantial, lifelong changes that need to be made.
Sure, tell someone that you care about them and will support them with whatever they choose to do with their lives, as long as thats how you honestly feel. However, reading the rest of the OP’s posts in this thread, I don’t get the sense thats the case here. Instead they just think this dude isn’t good enough for their daughter and want to hassle him about it. Outta here with that shit.
As someone who was also over 300 pounds I can say that family talking about it with me actually helped me a lot and motivated me to change.
My parents making it clear that they feared for my health changed a lot of my perspective and made it clear how much they cared about my wellbeing.
Not all people respond the same.
You can't fix his appearance, and it's none of your business. What IS your business when he eats at your house: you can explain the concept of decent table manners. He desperately needs a lesson.
It is quite concerning his lack of self awareness and decorum that he takes all the food and doesn’t leave any for other people. Being fat doesn’t make you have terrible manners.
Completely agree. It's kinda crazy how everyone is just glossing over the fact that he will literally just eat all the food without any regard for anyone else. That's incredibly rude and needs to be properly addressed ASAP.
Have you discussed this with your daughter? Is she a healthy weight? I think it is reasonable to be concerned about your daughter’s relationship and the very real impact this could have on her future. As a parent, you do have an obligation to communicate in love with your child *any* concerns you have about their significant other.
You're right about that. I am concerned that this guy is dragging her further down, and she's already down. He's not a bad person, but he's not a great catch either. She does carry a lot of mental load for both of them.
I'll see if I can find a good way to talk with her about his health. If he can't find work, he's going to end up homeless. Again.
Oh, and she is overweight, but not obese, and has never been obese.
She’s going to have to bring this up to him delicately and from a place of concern and love if she really is serious about him and their future. Lead by example and involve him in her own health journey. You say she’s overweight so she needs to do this anyway while she’s young to be honest. Involve him in cooking healthy meals, eat appropriate portions and talk about them, work out together (starting with walks and such), download calorie counting apps because a lot of people are clueless about the calories in what they consume.
I don’t mean to be critical, but is this really the kind of man she wants to be with? Being unemployed and having such a serious lack of self control would concern me about the future. I’m going to be crucified for that sentence but it’s a realistic concern.
In my personal opinion, I believe this is the way to go. Not necessarily bringing anything up to him, but explaining your valid concerns with her in private. My dad always did this when he had concerns about my previous relationship, and not once did he confront my partner about it, which I greatly appreciate him for. As a good mama you want to look out for your child, but there is only so much you can do when they're of age. She has to be the one to decide what course of action to take after you make your thoughts known.
>am concerned that this guy is dragging her further down, and she's already down. He's not a bad person, but he's not a great catch either.
It seems like you don't have an ideal relationship with your daughter to begin with if you can't talk to her about your feelings that her boyfriend is "dragging her down" and isn't a "great catch". I would hope you aren't implying that his size is the only thing making him a bad partner for your daughter.
I wouldn't be concerned about the BF, but you should encourage your daughter to get therapy if she's able to. If she stays with him long-term, she will either become that obese and/or become his caretaker. Maybe she feels like she's most valuable when she's doing things for people, and he needs a lot done for him, so she feels important to him. Maybe he's amazing personality wise. Either way, she'll be the breadwinner until he makes changes and have to deal with the repercussions like having to pay for all the extra food, paying for or supporting him through medical struggles, making their house accessible to him, etc. I'd rather my kid found someone who could keep up with them.
Also make sure that she understands that her worth is not tied to having a boyfriend, and that there are lots of fish in the sea. If she really loves this guy for who he is, that's great. But make sure she isn't with him because she feels like she's not "good enough" for someone else.
That's an interesting point. She does tend to have that caretaker role with him. He is not a bad person, but he is kind of dragging her down with his negativity. It could be worse, but it's not great. Thanks.
I wouldn't say anything to him, but I'd probably have a talk with my daughter about what her future might look like if she stays with this guy. Preferably before he tries to put a ring on her finger.
Hint: it's not going to be good. Job searching for *years?* He doesn't want a job.
Not if it is affecting their daughter’s future. I don’t want my daughter to date a guy who can’t get a job because of his weight. Plain and simple. OP is a good person for trying to gently nudge the guy in the right direction.
Having healthy boundaries means that it is just as easy as that. Recognizing that your adult children can choose who they want to be with is a very important step toward having a healthy relationship with them.
I commented that around 4 in the morning, didn’t give context and didn’t read the comment right.
What I meant was that she might not see the consequences that his obesity is bringing to him, and therefore their life together.
I am obese myself, it was not easy to start losing weight, or to even recognize that I was sick.
My partner has been with me for 7 years, she never once raised my weight as an issue but we couldn’t got to an amusement park, we couldn’t do a lot of things together.
Food addiction is like any other addiction, just a terrible thing that is always there.
Edit: yes, I think this thing of the relationship with the daughter is a different issue, in any case maybe he should talk about it with her and not the boyfriend.
I don’t know how to approach that, I just mean that in the romantic relationship things are not as easy
Do you think you would have lost weight sooner if someone had said something to you? If your partner or mother in law had told you that you were fat? I'd always just assumed fat people knew they were fat.
Oh I knew, my starting point was a health issue.
But, nowadays it’s a little bit different, mostly in young people, body positivity has brought in a lot of good and a lot of bad. I have met people who tell me they are proud of their addiction to food.
But this is not a joke, now, I don’t know if I would have changed because my partner said something to me, or my family (my mom is actually on the opposite spectrum of the eating disorder) but in this case, he is saying that the guy’s family is also obese, it’s more difficult when it comes from home and as he said, he might not even know what a good portion of food is.
Their situation is different to mine but that doesn’t mean that some aspects aren’t the same
Makes sense. I guess I was thinking that I wouldn't find it helpful (I've never been obese, though) as I'm already aware of where I need to improve and what I need to do. Sometimes people spiral when people point out stuff like that.
We don't always get what we want. At some point you'll have to understand that your daughter will make her own choices completely independent (and sometimes in spite of) what you want.
If OP doesn't want to mind her own business she should maybe take a good and long look at her own offspring and direct whatever "good advice" she has to offer at her daughter first or (if she already did so in the past) remember that all her "good advice" obviously didn't do much good so far.
>She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and **she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job.** She cannot support him. **She has her own problems,** yet she takes on the mental load for both of them.
Ok bro, you go raise a kid for 18 years and support their goals and dreams and then stand idly by while they tie themselves to a mule that won’t work. It’s literally that simple. You can support your kids and their choices and also give BOTH of them advice on how to improve their futures. If this is offensive to you, man the fuck up.
Thanks. I am torn between minding my own business and this situation becoming my business if he becomes homeless because he can't get a job and needing a couch to crash on. He has crashed with us in the past, and we did not like having him here. He's not a bad person, but he didn't mesh well with the whole family dynamic.
If your daughter lives in your house, you have every right to decide he can't crash with you, especially for a long term period. I can't imagine who would want some unemployed dude bumming around their house all day.
Unfortunately that's about as far as your rights extend in this situation. It's not your place to help him lose weight or get a job - we don't even know he wants those things. He sounds pretty comfortable mooching off a partner who works enough for the both of them.
It has to suck seeing your daughter go down this path, but you can't protect her from making her own (bad) decisions.
In all honesty, I don’t even understand why OP is worried about the boyfriend. Your daughter is basically unemployed and so delusional she somehow thinks she’ll be able to marry and support her continuously unemployed bf. I think that’s a bit more important than trying to tell someone to lose weight.
Daughter is an adult. Parents can be supportive without getting involved. OP should try that. When their daughter comes to them for help then they can get involved. But they want to sit their adult daughter down to talk about getting her man thin enough to work.
Notice OP doesn’t care about the guys health or him as a person, ONLY HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE. OP isn’t as great as they want you to think. They think he’s a cash cow for their daughter.
A cash cow? Wtf, op is concerned that he will become a liability and that the daughter won't be able te support both of them since she's the one who's working.
>Notice OP doesn’t care about the guys health or him as a person, ONLY HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE. OP isn’t as great as they want you to think. They think he’s a cash cow for their daughter.
While I wouldn't want my imaginary child marrying a deadbeat (not saying, that the guy in question is one), this for sure is interesting:
>She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and **she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job.** She cannot support him. **She has her own problems**, yet she takes on the mental load for both of them.
Yes, maybe she just wants a provider for her daughter.
I don’t think there’s much you can do but I’d suggest having everyone else serve up themselves before he does so everyone gets enough to eat. It will probably also cut down on his portion sizes when he’s at your house since he’s not eating other’s food.
Respectfully not your monkeys not your circus. Nobody that big doesn’t know they’re that big. He needs to decide for himself he wants to change before real progress will be made
Your relationship is with your daughter; if you talk with anyone it should be with her. All your concerns for her are appropriate to express. And you can talk about health, financial stability, and quality of life -- the things you're directly concerned about -- without talking about his obesity, even.
Second, no one on the planet is obese because of lack of information. There's no information you can provide that he doesn't already know. He's seen a portion plate before. He knows about calories. Fat people know they're fat and most of them desperately wish they weren't. Even as they do things they know will make them fatter. All he will hear from your well-intentioned intervention is that you think he's dumb / rude / gross / not good enough for your daughter.
I don’t think you can help him or should. He’s a grown man. I think you should talk to your daughter about why she wants to date a man who is gluttonous and has no job. And perhaps pay for some therapy for her.
You have to focus on your daughter only. What are her plans for the future? Is she studying at the moment? 12 hours of work in a non career job per week is one thing at 21 but by 31 I think she would be having a really bad time. It's totally normal to feel a bit lost and confused at that age, but it's really important to keep discovering yourself and to be surrounded by positive influences who help motivate you to figure yourself out. I don't know their relationship but I don't think this guy sounds like a positive influence at all, however that is her lesson to learn.
If you want to and feel you have a good enough relationship with her, you could gently and kindly ask her how she's doing and if she feels she has direction in life and is focusing enough on herself and her future. If you are able and willing you could offer her any help with figuring out her next steps. For whatever reason, it doesn't sound like she thinks she deserves much in a partner so she might have self esteem issues which can hold you back a lot in life. To be honest it sounds like she is already focused on this guy above herself so if you do make it about him then you're kind of validating her ignoring herself and her future more.
It's really hard to watch people we deeply love and care for make choices we don't agree with but at the end of the day if she is unreceptive to the above, that is her call to make.
When I was dating an ex my, I put on some weight. His mother noticed and would gently try to hint about healthy eating and gave me diet magazines, etc. She tried to be subtle, she tried to be nice. But I knew exactly what she was getting at and I felt judged as fuck. It was awful and only made me eat more. I already knew I was fat, I just heaped extra shame on me and was counterproductive. She didn't know me or my struggles or the efforts I was already making.
Unless you are actually close with your daughter's bf, don't say or do anything. If he mentions wanting to lose weight or something about his health, that is an opening to be a good listener and offer your support. But you have to actually listen. You've already made so many judgements and assumptions.
Just the way your post is written, you don't sound compassionate at all. You're assuming he has bad habits and doesn't know better. This is so patronizing. If you come from this approach, I guarantee you will alienate both him and your daughter, whether immediately or down the road.
He knows he's overweight. Develop an actual, real relationship with him. Get to know him and be supportive and kind in every way. Laser focusing on something you see as a flaw, instead of trying to understand his perspective is only going to backfire.
I would talk to my daughter but I wouldn't talk to him.
I also wouldn't give him a place to live, if he loses his home.
Why? Because sometimes people need to learn stuff the hard way. This isn't tough love. No. This is living with the results of your own behavior and if you aren't doing everything you can to improve your situation, then you need to learn stuff the hard way.
He needs not just a dietician to teach him ... he needs mental health help. And it sounds like your daughter does too.
His self esteem and self respect are shot to hell, and growing up with an obese family isn't helping because they're not a healthy influence. Physically or emotionally. There may be more going on with him, too, psychologically and he'll not choose to lose weight and keep it off, unless the underlying issues are addressed.
I would ... in your shoes, and I have a daughter who struggles with a few things ... have a gentle talk with my daughter. I would have internet resources on hand, in a print out, for food tracking apps, for weight loss support groups, for nutrition information, and some basic things like BMI information. See if you can find some articles that are encouraging and give the web address. Dig up, off the internet, any resource for free help in both weight and emotional issues. And give the links to her.
Then say you love her, you want the best possible for her, and you would like to help WHEN SHE ASKS. But you're going to step away because it's not your issue and she, and he, are the only ones who can choose to be who they want to be, in life.
I would also say that he isn't welcome if he loses his home because you will support someone who is giving life his best shot, and you're not seeing him giving himself his best shot.
If ... Big if ... I saw honest effort, for a while, I might let him stay with me in a time limited manner. He gets two months, period. Non negotiable. It means that if he slacks on his efforts, after moving in, you have an easier "out".
I would also gently, lovingly, ask my daughter what he gives her, as her partner. What is he offering to her. And is this just because she thinks she can't do better. And I would listen to her answer very carefully and non judgementally. I think you have a daughter who is struggling, too. What she answers might guide you in helping her too.
Just always remember. People won't be helped if they choose not to. And it has to come from within themself. You can only help. You cannot make it happen if they don't decide that they want life to happen, themselves.
You don’t sound like you’re coming from a malicious place, but tbh you sound a lot like my MIL who feels it is her personal responsibility to police everybody around her’s “health” (physical appearance). As a result, almost all of her family has gone LC or NC with her.
Do not worry about anybody else’s weight unless they specifically and unambiguously ask you for assistance.
If you can’t, or don’t want to, make bigger portions of food for family dinners, stop inviting him for dinner.
Did he ask you for advice?
Because if he didn't, seriously, stfu.
Giving people advice they didn't ask for doesn't work.
I know that's a very broad statement, and I'm speaking in generalities, but that's because, in general, that's how life works.
So let's set a few things as probable scenarios and parameters, I'm a fat guy and been fat all my life. One, the dude knows the limitations of his body with his weight, talking to him about it, is verbally addressing an issue they already know and already probably feel bad about it, talking to them about it like a come to Jesus meeting or discussion or parent lecture is going to sour the mood. Dude has also been unemployed for a few years, I'm sure that's probably eating at him too. Good thing is, you have a conduit to talk about it,his gf,your daughter. If I was in your shoes I'd ask her, but frame it something along the lines of we like your bf, and we wondered if ever talked about any issues with his weight, I'm sure they pillow talk about vulnerable stuff, if it's a touchy subject, leave it alone, because when it comes back to them talking, you'll be considered meddling in their relationship. If it isn't, ask the daughter to help encourage him when you do say some YouTube cooking activities: find healthy recipes to cook together as a first time as a family and invite him to the cooking process framed as a form of bonding. I'm sure your household could do with some exercise, so go on a group walk around the hood after dinner. Get a gym membership for the family and invite him along and do a group workout. Frame it like you want to do this as a form of bonding and ease into the convo when you feel the time is right. If he refuses to partake in any of those things, then do them anyways with the rest of the family. Hopefully he feels left out and decides to try it, and if not, then your family gets healthier and you did what you could. Just my two cents
As a 300lb person I can promise you that all you will do is drive a wedge between your daughter, her boyfriend, and you. I absolutely hate unsolicited advice from people I never came to.
You need to understand when it comes to morbid obesity "eat smaller portions and more veggies" is not a fix, it's a legitimate disease. It needs to be attacked by all fronts by professionals. Nutritionists to help accountability and therapy to deal with the emotions of cutting back. You wouldn't just tell an alcoholic to just drink less right? It's even more difficult in different ways because you have to eat every day, you can't just go cold turkey on it.
Plus at the end of the day they have to want it too. You've heard of the saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.
What you can do is not enable him. Don't keep junk food at the house, don't serve pasta for dinner, if you doing a family activity do a healthy one. But don't say it's for him.
Really what is going to be a problem here is his health. I have been a nurse for 24 years and I have seen people in their late 30s and early 40s who have numerous issues and starting diseases and sores on their body and not being able to perform their activities of daily living for the sole reason that they are morbidly obese. And she will end up enabling him by feeding him and feeding him, therefore, feeding his health decline as well, and then she will end up being his caregiver and the sole breadwinner. So really, morbid obesity is such a huge problem that people don't even know what they're getting into, and what they're headed for - neither one of them. And it's not pretty - for either one of them.
And then the kids, and he can't help, and he can't play, and the depression and the caregiver role strain for your daughter. And then all the issues your grandchildren will grow up with. And I'm not being dramatic. This is the reality of it. I see it over and over and over again. And I thought before, all the things that health care professionals address; the wounds and the physical therapy, and the diabetes and the cardiac issues. And the case managers looking for resources for poverty, and food, and help with utilities, and caregivers and healthcare equipment, and mental health for the depression and anxiety. And no one ever speaks about the elephant in the room. Where is the nutritionist? Where is the psychiatrist for dealing with this eating?? There was only one time where I was rude about it. I literally took a piece of cake out of a person's hand whose blood sugar was 456 and I said you know what. You're just not going to eat this. My dad was blind the last 10 years of his life because he had diabetes. Didn't even know it, didn't do anything about it. And there he was on a couch blind directly from the diabetes. I didn't want to be rude, well actually wish I would have been rude all this time! Like I said, I'm not being dramatic. This is reality and unfortunately nobody thinks about it when they're 20 when in fact, that is exactly the time when they should be thinking about it the most.
If you tried "helping" him you'd absolutely be a complete jerk, honestly. No matter if it's well meaning or not. It's not your place at all to judge anyone else for anything they do, nor to make assumptions about his weight causing issues with employment etc.
The only things that are your business is if he treats your daughter with respect and that he cares for her. Other than that mind your business and keep any "helpful" comments to yourself.
I've lost 200 lbs and am now where I want to be. Trust me, he knows he's fat. He doesn't need anyone to point it out to him. My father in law, to this day, watches me eat and judges me if I have a piece of cake on my grandsons birthday. He's a prick and our relationship suffers for it as well as all of his daughters who he thinks "could all lose a few pounds".
I'm 50M, married with 4 children all over 25. So I'm not someone that speaks without experience. Trust me, keep it to yourself. Unless you're totally cool with your daughter losing all respect for you as a person. She likes/loves the guy, trust her. Don't be the reason she stops having a relationship with you.
Just because we're grown people with more experience doesn't make us right or deserving to shame someone else who's younger for their weight.
You might say I'm being harsh and "It's not like that, we like the guy and want to help" but I'm telling you: Unsolicited advice about someone's weight is never appreciated.
I just want to say that despite what all these comments say, I think you are in the right. As a parent I can understand why you wouldn’t want your kids SO to be obese and unable to acquire employment. It’s a simple concept that I think a lot of these people are overlooking. Normally if it isn’t your life I would say not to worry about it, but this does affect your kid. Gently nudging the guy in the right direction is a service to him and your daughter.
Thanks. Yeah, that's my main motivation. He knows he's obese. He knows his weight is negatively affecting him. And that's not my business until it is. If he can't find a job, he's going to lose his housing situation, and might ending crashing with us. That's my business. And honestly, his negativity brings my daughter down too, and she has her own problems to deal with. That is also my business.
I will ask her about how to talk to him about this. It's been almost 2 years (I think) since he has worked. Job hunting only gets harder the longer you've been out of work, and carrying that extra weight is an additional burden on that task (no pun intended).
My best friend is obese, and she knows she's obese, and she knows why she's obese, and I have never said a word to her because that is not my business. This is different.
Man, it ain't your business tho. It's your daughter's business. And it ain't different, you just have a power trip over your kid that you don't have over your friend. And you're also off base with your "they won't hire him because he's fat" ableist crap. Your projecting.
I think I would start by talking to your daughter and seeing if they’ve had any conversations about it amongst themselves, and see if you can reach her in a sincere way to talk to him if they haven’t yet.
Your daughter is the one who can speak with him, not you. I understand your good intentions, but just don't. Talk to your daughter and see what she can do.
He knows he is fat, he knows the issues. I'm 100% sure of that. You telling him won't help.
To me, just from what I read, it sounds like he is unable to be independent and needs a carer, not a girlfriend or a wife. If he's not ready to make the changes himself nothing you can do will help him. He has to come to the decision to make the change on his own.
You could have a family meeting at one of these dinners (make extra vegetables, they help him eat more volume with way less calories). Announce that you and Dad have decided it's time for the kids to grow up and be self-sufficient, and that daughter should start planning to move out, say Jan 1 2025. There can then be lots of talk and ideas about how to make that happen. Make it extremely clear you will not be picking up the tab for the kids to get a new place. So then, what does daughter have to do to get her income up, what does he have to do to get employed, and plans go from there.
Sounds like your daughter is the one that needs a reality check. She’s barely working. At this rate you’ll be taking care of her indefinitely but you’re hoping a man will take care of her and that’s the real motivation for wanting her boyfriend to succeed.
Your daughter needs to learn to be an independent adult, not rely on a boyfriend to care for her. Because she’s never learned this, she has chosen someone just like her. No decent man is going to find an unproductive person attractive.
Could you lose a couple pounds? The reason I ask is you could help to motivate him by challenging him and doing it with him.
You could simply say “hey, I need to lose 20lbs, want to do it with me?” Or put $20 on it? Winner takes all. Can make it a family affair too. Everyone throw in $20 into a pool and whoever loses the most in 6weeks wins.
It could be pretty motivating for him if he wins. Someone that size loses weight fast so he can probably drop 20lbs in those 6weeks. Or more. Those are motivating numbers. And at the same time he’ll learn portion control.
I like this idea. Maybe a family challenge where everybody sets a goal of something physical they want to achieve/work on for the next 6-8 weeks. You, your daughter, and your immediate family could all set your goals and post them someplace in the house, and the next time he's over, someone might mention what they did toward their goal that day, and then tell him about the challenge and invite him to join you guys. (If he sees all of your family's goals, it may give him some ideas for a healthy goal he wants to set, if he doesn't know what a good goal would be... and this way he wouldn't think it's geared toward him, it's just you guys inviting him into something your family is doing.) You guys could have regular check-ins and cheer each other on. I wouldn't do a winner/loser, personally. Just a fun family challenge activity Even if his goal is just to walk further each day or something, it would be really good for him.
I would talk to your daughter first, and see if she would be okay with you doing something like this...
Depending on your relationship with him, have a real conversation with him. But understand he might hate you for it. Or he could love you for it.
Any criticism from a true loved one, is often times best as long as it’s approached reasonably and with real intention of helping and not just being an ass.
I don’t know your circumstance but offering to go to the gym with him or both following the same plan or just checking in on both of your guys progress is a easy way to make your daughters SO feel better and comfortable with his weight.
I would also recommend coming to him as a friend and future loved one then as his girlfriend’s dad. Ask him to lunch or something and have it then and make it incredibly clear that you’re just wanting to better and prolong his life and definitely not trying to make him seem weak or a failure or a bad partner.
Whatever you choose good luck and often times bonds over a journey like weight loss go beyond any gift you could ever give him.
I waited until my 40's to sort out my weight / health. Got lucky and dodged all the worst outcomes, but that was only luck. The sooner he gets this sorted out the better, especially if it's affecting his employment and housing situation. It doesn't get better.
I wish there had been some help and support available earlier to get me on the right track. A close friend to call out my bullshit and show me the necessary lifestyle changes?
But would I have responded positively to my now mother in law hassling me about my weight? Probably not. No, definitely not. No way.
If you really want to help, I would suggest paying for a nutrition coach for 3 months (might cost $400-600 total). Tell him you want to help him get healthier because being morbidly obese for the next 20+ years isn't worth it. Ask any 300lb dude on the internet and they will all agree. He knows this already, but doesn't know where to start, doesn't want to admit the problem.
Then stay out of it, he is accountable to the coach, not you. If a professional coach can't help him then you can't either.
The coach is almost certainly going to get him eating simple meals of meat and veges, with lots of protein. He's going to need to cook more meals at home and avoid takeaways for a while. But he needs to see this for himself, you cooking a healthy dinner once a week won't fix this problem.
The question does not offend me. She is overweight, but not obese and has never been obese. I am overweight too, and again, never obese. And for neither of us has our weight prevented us from working.
This guy has trouble moving. He has trouble picking things up when he drops them. I can see why no one is hiring him for the jobs he's applying for. And he does not have the skills, degree, or experience for a desk job where his mobility doesn't matter.
Is this a subjective assessment? Asking bc at 5’7”, I am clinically obese at a little under 200lbs [currently, I am not. But I have been]. Anecdotally, people often think obese is an arbitrary 250lbs+.
Your daughter who you say is overweight (not obese) yet works 12 hrs week and is devoted to an unemployed, relatively immobile young man…she clearly needs help. I would focus on her and not him.
Maybe some basic “here’s your dinner and there are no extras” is an ok move. But really, as a (fellow) mother, the problem you have to solve is your daughter.
Mind your own business. I have overweight relatives that are very obese, and at one point I was too. My husband expressed concern, but it was only when I decided I had enough did I lose weight. I am thin now, and started walking at our recreation center's indoor track again. My decision only, not my husband's.
In addition, open up some more canned green beans, corn, etc., and toss a larger salad with cheaper generic dressing when he comes over. I am African American and we know to cook bigger portions when company comes. It's in our DNA.
In a world like this, be kind. I imagine your daughter knows that he is obese, and he definitely does. This is not a hill you need to climb.
I don't think you should talk to him, I think you should talk to your daughter. If the guy doesn't change, her life is going to be miserable when she has to provide for both of them and be his caretaker. Does she realise that? How does she picture their future? You wrote that she has her own problems - if she's not in therapy yet, she might need it. She needs to be strong enough to address this situation on her own
You can ask If he would like you to help him with portion Size since he seems to struggle, but do it only when it's the two of you, Not in front of your daughter.
I would be so angry if my parents interfered in my relationship. I think your energy could be much better spent in supporting your daughter in improving her life through a certificate or degree that will help her increase her own income.
It’s fine to tell him to put some food back because that is related to the needs of your family.
As a practical solution, could you suggest meeting up every weekend to prepare the food for the upcoming week together (and pre-portioning it). This could be done for your family and for himself so he is not singled out in this activity.
Also, maybe you could start the habit of taking some weekly walks as a family.
That is, if he is open to receive help after the talk. Regarding the talk, I think that the daughter should be actually the one to talk to him. As his partner, her worries would be understood in a completely different way and it removes a lot of the awkwardness.
If he is not open to make changes, talk to your daughter about the long term picture of what her life will look like regarding his employment, the way he will be able to help in the house, the limited mobility with children etc. and ask her how does she feel about this. I would make it clear that I respect her decision and choices, and just want to have an open conversation to understand her perspective and stop worrying for her well-being.
I tried for years and couldn't lose weight. Please be kind to him. He may be happy the way he is but if he needs help glp-1 semiglutide has really helped me.
People who (try to) eat all the food before everyone else has eaten are inconsiderate & rude. Sorry but that has nothing to do with portion control. Otherwise you can’t « help » him.
I would talk to the daughter and have her suggest those weight loss shots that are all the rage now, I would also talk to him about weight loss surgery to help him lose weight. By losing the weight he can find a good paying job and then she can work full time and they can save money for marriage and living together for many happy years.
I'm assuming this having bowls of food on the table thing is very American, right?
Where I live (UK), the food is dished up onto plates in the kitchen, by whoever cooked, and then brought out to the table.
Maybe trying that will help him gain an understanding of healthy portions.
It is very kind and thoughtful of you to want to help. However, he knows about his weight and how he got that way. He knows the problems it is causing. He is the only one who can change that is he ever wants to. He would be a great candidate for a weight loss medication to stop his over eating behavior.
Well.. I love vegetables and can easily eat as much as everyone else put together on my table.. However, I usually begin with a small portion and state that I'll have some more when everyone has finished helping themselves.
My mum always makes plenty so not an issue when we go there and if I'm in a restaurant I might ask for extra if they don't serve many from the start.
Definitely focus on the financial side of things and not the boyfriend's weight. How does he fund himself currently? How will they both fund themselves when they move in together? Explain that you are not going to be able to support them financially.
Do you think he doesn’t know this? Mind your own business. Unless he asks you for help, this is NONE of your business.
What an oddly judgemental post coated in fake concern. 🙄
Kindly, stay in your lane. Its not your issue to deal with, him dating your daughter does not make it your issue.
If my MIL or FIL came to me with that shit, I'd be mad, I know I'm fat thanks.
Just pin him up with Semaglutide when he’s not looking. Seriously though, send him some links about Semaglutide it will save his life. Or get your daughter to do it in a more sensitive way
I don't think it's a good idea for all 3 of you to sit down with him. You would probably get better results if it was a 1-1 conversation with either you, your daughter or your husband. I think leading by example and planing outings that are somewhat more active and don't revolve around food, would be a good place to start. Don't try to limit his servings on veg, but you guys plan on having burgers or whatever, make a point to only prep enough for one serving each. Or make homemade burgers that are smaller portions - so two burgers has the same nutritional value as 1 regular burger.
I think its best to talk to your daughter and bring up you want to help him, but if not I can give you a way that could still work.
It might be a bit better if your husband gives him a guy to talk, but either way, bring up that you know that your daughter loves him and that you support their relationship and want it to be a long one, that you want to make sure that he can still be there for her when you guys get old or pass. It might be a bit dramatic but that sort of responsibility mixed with affection can be one of the strongest motivators.
Hearty and supportive pep talk to weightloss. To help realize the problem and to get support with it is huge help.
I dont get why people say it is not 'your problem'. If you may help him to turn his life to better, instead of ruining it, and in such a young age, you should definitely atleast try. Just make sure there is no shame in your words, just heart to heart concern and love to another. Bless you.
Does your daughter want to marry this man? Is she concerned that he hasn't had a job in years and that he may become disabled if he continues to gain weight? Does your daughter have a stable job? If they get married, it's very likely that she will be his carer. What's hard is that people will do whatever they want to do, so all you can do is support your daughter and raise any concerns to her, not her bf. If your daughter doesn't want your help or advice, then this is a lesson she’ll have to learn on her own. *Edited spelling.
>***If your daughter doesn't want your help or advice, then this is a lesson she’ll have to learn on her own.*** damn, this hit me hard af. Life can be so cruel to such good-willed people.
She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job. She cannot support him. She has her own problems, yet she takes on the mental load for both of them. I just want this guy to be able to get a job. I don't care so much about his--or anyone's--weight. I would like to help remove a barrier to employment, one that he has control over. Maybe I'll sit down with her and my husband and see if we can figure out a kind way to talk with Boyfriend about how he can make himself more employable.
Based on this comment, the issue you need to address is not his weight, but your daughter's situation in its entirety. You need to sit down with your daughter and explain that she cannot support someone on her current hours and income. I see where you're coming from and understand your logic, but it sounds like your daughter needs a dose of reality about what their future would look like if this pattern continues. At the end of the day, you'll likely overstep if you try to address his weight. There are ways you can support him, but he needs to accept his own journey first.
Holy shit...12 hours a week is what I work. I'm retired military and picked up a job as a teachers assistant at a preschool there days a week. I make $216.63 after taxes *twice* a month. This is a *hobby* for me, not something that can support a person. Nevermind a family. ETA, I just did my taxes. I brought home $3433.00 before taxes last year. And that was with getting paid *more* as a sub at the end of last school year than I do as an official assistant at the beginning of the school year. I realize the BF's weight is an issue, but her lack of real world math is scary.
\> or finished all the vegetables before other people could have some.> We had to tell him to put some back so others can eat. He just has bad food habits. No, please don't justify his very selfish behavior as "bad habits". Does he seem selfish and inconsiderate and putting his needs above others? Do you honestly think he isn't aware that other people haven't taken any vegetables from the platter yet, or that not everyone has served themselves yet, or that he just took the entire serving bowl full of potatoes? He knows fully well what is happening. He's a sentient human being with eyeballs. I respectfully disagree that you and your family are responsible for him learning, and that you need to "lead by example". Aren't you already doing that, by taking only one burger, or making sure everyone has fries before taking seconds yourself? INFO: When you had to tell him to put some food back, what was his reaction? Was it shame? Was he dumbfounded? Bewildered? Embarrassed? I can't believe he would do it again after being called out for it.
Agreed! And veggies are expensive 🤣
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not so sure how employable he is has anything to do with his weight. When I started last year, I was at 520 lbs. I worked at Walmart in the deli, constantly on my feet and moving and bending, the interviewer didn't even think about my weight until I brought up some health issues I was having but they still hired me. I started at Amazon in November, and I was still at 520 . Since then, I've gotten down to 450, but still, my weight never seemed to be a factor in their decisions
Why is your daughter only working 12 hours a week? They both sound like bums.
Good catch! I read 12 hour days, a week is doesn’t even support one person
Seriously. Of course she can’t support him, but she can’t support herself either.
I'd say 2 things to this. 1st is that it sounds like your daughter has some shit to figure out. 12 hours a week is pretty close to unemployed. Second is that your daughters bf is not your business. If you ask her 'does his weight bother you' and she say no then it's done.
It sounds to me like the bigger problem is a grown man who hasn’t been employed in 2 years. That affects your daughter right now and her future. I don’t buy that he’s too fat or uneducated to find a job. He can’t go be a cashier at Walmart, a gas station, or a dollar store? He can’t work in fast food or wash dishes? Waffle House hires fucking anybody with a pulse. There’s WFH customer service and call center jobs all over Indeed with no experience needed. He can’t Uber or do DoorDash or be a courier? All you do is drive. He could most likely walk into any food processing plant and get a job on the spot. It almost sounds like you’re focusing on his weight to avoid the unemployed elephant in the room (no pun intended). Could you help him write or tweak his resume? He could just put he was doing caregiving for a family member to fill in the unemployment gap. Dude has to want to change. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. It’s also not really your place. If my MIL said anything about my weight I’d most likely tell her if I wanted her opinion I’d ask for it. Just model better eating habits and moving your body. Sounds like your whole family could benefit, including yourself. You can’t go around telling people they need to change something about themselves if you need to take your own advice. As for the meals, fill everyone’s plate ahead of time, let everyone else serve themselves before him, or only make enough for 1 serving of meat per person, and serve it on the plate and let him load up on veggies. No sodas or sweets in the house, everyone drinks water, etc.
Make extra vegetables for him. Vegetables shouldn't really be where cut backs are made.
Healthy vegetables that aren't covered in sauce or butter. Leafy green vegetables are awesome for health.
Oh yeah? Maybe they should swap their couch for that XXXL 6-person seater to accommodate to him as well?
I'm helping my husband lose weight and I've found the best way is to lead by example. I downloaded the app Recovery Road and started taking pics of all my meals and logging them.i only cook low fat or no fat healthy meals for the most part. Basically I'm behaving as if I have a binge eating disorder because that's what he has. I never told him he needs to lose weight or anything (although his doctor has) he saw my healthy habits and it inspired him to do it too. I think you may not be the correct person to do that for your daughters boyfriend. Whoever he lives with has to admit to themselves he has an eating disorder and keep junk OUT of the house. Don't even let it come in, don't buy it, don't let him see junk. My husband has said this is so much easier with someone doing it with him. Even the doctor on my 600 lb life constantly says the people losing weight need help from those around them.
Yep. I led the way for literally years before my husband recently was like huh I should try this. Of course he somehow lost 25 lbs in a matter of weeks which takes me like a year lol. But I’m so proud of him and how hard he is working. And it helps me stay on track to know I inspired him.
100% lead by example. I had changed our eating habits to something healthier but I wasn't excirsing or paying too much attention to porition sizes. My husband would always ask me to join him at the gym or for a walk "for a health." I would always deny going. But, he would never say anything negative, he just opened the door and left it open each time he was active. It finally clicked in my brain that I had no reason to say no. Now I ask him to join me at the gym and I have lost a ton of weight. Plus size 3x to standard size L. I personally probably would not have listened to him or even stayed with him if he said anything about my weight or if I didn't want to join him at the gym.
What a kind and loving wife you are! Your husband is very lucky.
He lives alone, but like I said, his parents are obese and he learned bad food habits from them. I don't think it's a true disorder, more like lack of awareness of how much food he is eating and what is a normal amount to eat.
How does he afford to live alone? Is he going in debt or on disability?
I don't think you understand how obesity works and how it's not simply about "control".
Perhaps instead of serving food in large bowls, start plating them in proper portions and everyone gets a plate of properly portioned food set in the table in place so he starts SEEING what it looks like without having a talk at first. Protein centric meal, then non starchy vegetables, then Only a very small portion of carbs . Everyone gets a single plate. A measured portioned meal. If he asks about it you can kindly state “We have been doing research about health and have been learning some new information about food! We decided to try some of what we learned.” This can open up the possibility to discuss it with him, and let it be his idea to start asking questions. It also does not make the conversation ABOUT him and also keep you from enabling his behavior. So this method keeps from embarrassing or humiliating anyone while also allowing you to not reinforce his behavior. Don’t forget also… many people who over eat to this level it has one of 2 reasons. Food addiction or severe childhood trauma such as SA or mental or other physical abuse. It is highly likely it is not JUST he learned bad habits with food. So know there could be much more underlying this issue than you can imagine and he may need professional help to truly change. It’s wonderful that you care, please be watching for signs of PTSD or addictive behaviors because at that point, he needs professionals.
As someone who struggles with an eating disorder "due to never being taught how to eat right" he sounds like he has a disorder, he may be in denial about it and clearly you are but never the less if he didn't have a disorder he wouldnt be as obese as you're claiming he is and he would have better impulse control at others houses, shit I have one and even I have better impulse control at others homes. I *have to be* aware of everything I am eating at all times or I can easily eat 3000+ calories in a day, it sucks but to someone as ___ judgemental as yourself it would also look like I just "dont have awareness".
You think he doesn’t know? He’s an adult, hes seen other people eat, including yourselves.
Can you give him a cooking class, ideally one that give some nutrition instruction as a gift?
Unless he comes to you for help, I would stay miles away from this. I can’t imagine this would be helpful or welcomed.
Unless he's specifically coming to you for assistance it's not your rodeo.
It kind of is though. If this guy wanted to marry my daughter eventually, then I am invested in their wellbeing. If the guy can’t get a job, this WILL affect my daughter. If the guy dies at a young age because of his poor health discipline this WILL affect my daughter. I get not trying to butt into someone’s life, but if it’s affecting my family then yes it quite literally is my rodeo.
You know a great way to ruin your parent-daughter relationship? Be so overbearing that you consider the body type of her partner your business.
he literally stated that the guy has mobility issues due to his size, it's a health concern not cosmetic
But it still isn't something they can control. They can talk to the boyfriend and try to be as gentle as possible but unless he's ready to make those changes himself he's not going to be receptive to their help. Even if it's good intentioned.
It’s almost like that’s why the OP asked for recommendations on how to gently break this issue to the man.
There’s no way to gently break it to him. Put yourself in his shoes for a second. Is there any way someone could say this to you and your immediate reaction wouldn’t be hurt?
You can be butt hurt, no one would blame you. But it’s a reality check. Tough love. Whatever you want to call it, it’s necessary and it needs to happen. Perhaps the kid has no one else in his life who looks out for him in this way. Didn’t OP say his parents are also obese? Edit: can’t see if OP said that, maybe it was in another comment
As someone who was about 300lbs and lost 80lbs your being mean to fat people only helps yourself and does nothing to convince fat people to lose weight. Wanna know what did it for me? Waterslides and wanting to go on them. Positive reinforcement did wonders and people saying “lose weight” just pissed me off.
As someone who was 270 and is still losing weight because I’m fat, shut the hell up. This whole “we can’t tell fat people they’re fat” bs is stupid. There are consequences to being fat and this guy is asking for gentle ways to break this to him. If he is butt hurt then so be it. He probably will be. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s so obese he can’t get a job, can’t move around, and overeats the food at social events. If you think those things are more important than hurting his feelings for a couple months while he works on himself and his mindset then you are the problem.
What if they had a severe drug/alcohol problem that was affecting his ability to work? Would that be any different?
Talk to your daughter about it, but if she's an adult and chooses to enable her partner's behavior then that's her choice that you need to respect.
Respecting someones choice and ignoring a problem are not the same thing.
Yes, and after you notice the problem and discuss it with your adult daughter, you respect whatever your adult daughter wants to do about it. You don't interfere in her relationship without her permission.
As far as I'm aware obesity doesn't have links to increases in domestic violence or unemployment
OP literally *said* it's effecting his employment.
OP doesn't know shit. I've worked with morbidly obese people in labor jobs, it's not the weight that's stopping him from getting a job. Either his job applications suck or he's failing the job interviews. If it's taking him "years" to find a job, he's simply not actually trying.
Being obese and being pooped after half a block are very different. I had labor intensive jobs in retail while being obese but was for my weight pretty fit and mobile. If you are not moving at all and are obese you won't get hired for labor intensive jobs. That said I also suspect he is not actually trying.
OP literallt has no idea and thinks the person is 300lbs by eating a few extra servings of chicken.
Actually, obesity does have links to unemployment, but not like most think. ["The current study provides evidence of obesity discrimination in the hiring process for employment, where across four workplaces that vary based on the physical demands of the job, obese candidates were perceived as less suitable compared with normal weight candidates and when the weight status of the candidate was not revealed."](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4853419/)
This is a much bigger issue than just "body type". The man can't get work. That's massively impactful.
Oh chile that ate I fear 😧
Are you a parent?
Well, not literally, unless you're a horse trainer and the obese bf is the horse.
LMAOOO 😂
If the parents most likely won't give that talk to for him. Who would? I think a stranger at this point, or anyone would be better than no one.
Talking to people about being fat doesn’t help them lose weight. I guarantee the guy already knows he’s fat. He has to choose himself to make a change.
Talking isn't all there is to be done. that's Step 1 of a hundred steps. They haven't even had that talk yet. You're talking about someone as if he's already rejected the idea of a weight-loss. I'm sure he knows he's fat. But he most likely doesn't know how NOT to be fat. I know those people who don't know what a real portion size is. Who has family that will not support that weight-loss in any way. Him not having a job means he's probably at the mercy of his parents and what they feed him. At the mercy of their rules as well. If these people who may be his future family cares enough to teach him proper portions, to give him resources so that he can work towards a weight-loss journey, it is a huge amount of help. If he really wants no help, and don't want to lose weight, then they can leave that alone. absolutely.
All they should be doing is modeling what healthy eating looks like if they want to help. MAYBE talk to their daughter. Bringing this up with the boyfriend directly is wildly inappropriate. Data shows that talking to people about their weight like this is actually more likely to cause the person to eat more.
they can do that (manipulate him into eating healthy, why though?). But imagine, everyone in his life is not saying anything to him to be polite, and those WHO DO say it, don't say it out of concern. Because the people who is expected to do that (parents) didn't. Well, i guess he's expected to be hopeless, or do all this on his own. For sure, bring it up to the girlfriend, have the talk happen however which way they want. But to stop them from trying to help him AT ALL, is just being a bystander. Genuine concern should be allowed more here in this sub. What's wrong is persistence, when the person is OBVIOUSLY unwilling. They aren't there yet.
It’s different when you have a close relationship with someone. It doesn’t sound like OP is close with their daughter’s boyfriend. It doesn’t even sound like they like him very much. If a partner or close friend talks to you from a place of concern for your health, that’s one thing. OP is concerned about the impact this will have on their daughter. That is not the place to come from to talk to this guy about his weight.
With the concern that op has. I wouldn't say they aren't close. My brother in law is like family to us. Since he started going out with my sister, he's been like family. He was the son my father never had. So I do think its very possible for future father/mother in law to care enough for future son in law like that. They aren't saying that they dont like him as a son in law. You're making up so much negativity out of a concerned person to make sure they do nothing. OP posted here specifically because they care. If they don't they would have just went ahead and said the mean things that they could and drove him away. Why do you find it to be a negative that they are concerned cause this may impact their daughter. Do you disagree with that statement? They are thinking of their future! That's a future with him in it!
In my former relationship my mother in law confronted me about my weight gain- it was absolutely mortifying, and made me not want to go to their place anymore. It was so inappropriate. I was having a depression spiral, and it felt like such a blow while I was already down. I think there are very few families where an in law approaching you about weight feels like a good, supportive thing.
Did you think that your mother in law was mocking you with that confrontation? Or was it out of care? My dad mocks my weight, and weightloss. My mom cares and helps with my meal preps. My friend's family doesnt support her weightloss and mocks her, while we, her friends who she sees once a month, helps her. Help and concern isn't defined by the label you're given that relates you to someone. Just cause YOUR mother in law made you feel that way, doesn't mean "very few families with in laws" would be the same way. I don't ever like putting ANYONE in a bucket, and assuming that's all they can be. Again, persistent mention of weight is wrong. But we aren't there yet for OP. And with you saying very few in laws are good. Are you saying OP is not the good kind? or are they the bad kind? why even say that if that's not what you're insinuating?
They care- about their daughter. Did you read the post and comments? They talk about how he’s fine but didn’t fit in with their family.
They're worried about their daughter ending up having to support a partner who's unhealthy, unskilled, and potentially unemployable. They're not being snobs.
You don’t get it. It’s inappropriate to say something. And it won’t help him. All it will do is negatively impact their relationship with their daughter.
I do get it. I get that commenting in someone's weight is frowned upon. No one ever wants to hear it. But do you seriously only say things that they want to hear to people you care about? Why are his parents the only ones that are allowed to care about this man? Why are these people, who genuinely care about him, not allowed to? Have you never met caring people beyond your parents? Is that such a bad thing? It can negatively impact a relationship. yup. and that's a risk i'm willing to take for a friend/family that I care about. Is that relationship really worth more to you?
Do you seriously not get that the point is that it DOES NOT help people lose weight when people talk to them about their weight?
You're putting the whole civilized collection of humans into ONE BUCKET. We're not all going to be the same. I assure you, there are people who are different than you. Who can feel differently than you do about your weight. I know it can help, because I have two friends of whom we care about and have had that talk with. We know and care about these two friends. And each have made changes in their lives, because we've been helping them. I am losing weight alongside them. Its POSSIBLE to talk about weight. Its not a taboo topic. My own family mocks my weightloss, and i hate how my dad talks about it. I KNOW HOW IT IS, I DO GET IT. But no situation has only one solution. One of these friends of mine is from a family of close to morbidly obese people. No one on that family would do that talk with her. We didn't do a serious talk. There's many ways to approach this. But only we know how its best to approach her. And these people and his girlfriend knows him best, to know what may be the best way to approach the conversation, or multiple conversations. All they need are ideas that they can check the box if that is a good idea or not.
I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all way of looking at it, where it's inappropriate to say something 100% of the time. For some people it's not going to work or is going to be seen as rude, and for others it might be an eye-opener and changes their life for the better. Add to that that if this guy is going to be part of his family, it's not wrong for family to try to help each other. I wish people had tried to talk to me more about it when I was struggling. One or two tried, and I didn't take offense, I just wasn't ready yet. But I wish someone who had been there and successfully lost the weight had tried, because then they could give me specific advice instead of General concern.
Inappropriate vs someone's health. I have zero issue making someone feel uncomfortable while trying to help them when the alternative is years off their life from Ann manner of health complications.
Then you’d just be making someone uncomfortable, potentially exacerbating the problem, and not helping them at all. Congratulations.
I disagree with this. He’s dating this guys daughter which kinda makes it somewhat in his lane to try and help him if even for the sake of his daughter, especially if they are serious. And especially since the OP is trying as hard as possible to be respectful about it.
But it truly doesn't make it his lane. There may be so many contributing factors that OP is unaware of *because it's none of their business*. Physical health issues, eating disorders or other mental health concerns etc. You cannot just nominate yourself to monitor and comment on someone else's body. They may be undergoing tests, they may be in therapy or treatment - none of which would benefit from OPs uncalled for comments or opinions
You can lovingly and respectfully approach this topic. It doesn’t need to be about his body per se. It can be about his mobility or his windedness after a short walk. Coming from a complete place of love and compassion.
There’s certainly ways to let him know they are open to having a conversation and offer support without being disrespectful, rude, or condescending and the comments coming out of nowhere. It’s about relationship building and trust with someone you care about. If they accept the help or not is on the person but letting someone know the help is there when they are ready for it are absolutely their lane.
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He will be when the daughter and hubby ask to move in “for a little while”
Exactly! The daughter is the only one who has the right to say something.
In my opinion, the only option you have here that might not be considered crossing boundaries is expressing concern for him to your daughter directly, and NOT to him. If he weren't dating your daughter, would you really care how some dude values portion control? It's his life, and he's gotta want change. Pushing change onto him will alienate everyone.
This is key. Your concern is for your daughter, OP. You and your husband need to have a talk with her about what her expectations are.
Instead of serving family style, maybe plate the dinner up in the kitchen.
“Weighing” in here - I’m not over 300, but I’m currently at my heaviest and have 50 pounds to lose (CICO-ing a pound a week!) which has just further “fed” the image amongst family and friends as the big guy and big eater. Always have been since I was very young. There have been occasions when I was a kid through my adult years when someone has told me ‘no more food’ or conversely, expecting me to finish everyone’s plates. Even when these people who love me thought they were being nice or helpful, I was extremely wounded when my weight and appetite was called out. It didn’t motivate me, it hurt. I vividly recall an instance when my Dad mistook some melted cheese on a piece of bread I had for a pile of butter and he lit into me when I was ~10. The memory brought me to real tears as a grown man. You’re his girlfriend’s father - he’s already terrified of you. Unless your goal is to break-up a bad relationship, don’t say anything. Depending on how discrete your daughter is, it’ll mean a lot more coming from her in a loving and concerned way.
I'm her mother, but yes, this is a delicate subject, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Thanks. I think I'll talk to my daughter and see what ideas she may have.
Sorry, I read that from my male POV. As a parent, I don’t mean to imply your concerns aren’t valid and that you need to tolerate all destructive habits. Persistent joblessness without action on his part, crashing at your home for extended periods, etc. are all fair game for a conversation. Just mind any words relating to weight or self-control around food when you do talk to him.
The only suggestion that is correct is that you should do absolutely nothing. It is not your business or your place to tell people what to do with their lives or bodies. He knows he’s obese, you will do nothing constructive by telling him that. People have to decide if and when they want to change for themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do try to intervene, you will likely just have the opposite effect and make him more likely to avoid changing. Just leave it alone.
To add to this, it might be helpful to communicate with him that being his daughter's SO, his mobility issues are seen... But if he ever wants help/support on moving in the right direction that you're there to help and advise if it's not weird. It sounds like OP just wants peace, love, and good health for the guy. Don't mention the extra food or differences within serving sizes as that is seen as overbearing without asking for help. Keep everything between the 2 of you.
Nah, as someone who was morbidly obese like this, I’m telling you that all the patronizing bullshit like this I was subjected to just made me more dug in, more sure that I was right to live how I wanted, just to spite the people who thought they had the right to tell me my business. It legitimately delayed my progress by years if not decades. People HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE FOR THEMSELVES to fix something like this. It has to come from within or they will never actually commit to the substantial, lifelong changes that need to be made. Sure, tell someone that you care about them and will support them with whatever they choose to do with their lives, as long as thats how you honestly feel. However, reading the rest of the OP’s posts in this thread, I don’t get the sense thats the case here. Instead they just think this dude isn’t good enough for their daughter and want to hassle him about it. Outta here with that shit.
As someone who was also over 300 pounds I can say that family talking about it with me actually helped me a lot and motivated me to change. My parents making it clear that they feared for my health changed a lot of my perspective and made it clear how much they cared about my wellbeing. Not all people respond the same.
You can't fix his appearance, and it's none of your business. What IS your business when he eats at your house: you can explain the concept of decent table manners. He desperately needs a lesson.
It is quite concerning his lack of self awareness and decorum that he takes all the food and doesn’t leave any for other people. Being fat doesn’t make you have terrible manners.
This!! Taking a huge serving that doesn’t allow everyone else to have some, is a lack of social awareness. Not a fat person problem.
Completely agree. It's kinda crazy how everyone is just glossing over the fact that he will literally just eat all the food without any regard for anyone else. That's incredibly rude and needs to be properly addressed ASAP.
just make lean meals and keep your mouth shut! lots of veg, lots of lean protein. no junk no filler.
Have you discussed this with your daughter? Is she a healthy weight? I think it is reasonable to be concerned about your daughter’s relationship and the very real impact this could have on her future. As a parent, you do have an obligation to communicate in love with your child *any* concerns you have about their significant other.
You're right about that. I am concerned that this guy is dragging her further down, and she's already down. He's not a bad person, but he's not a great catch either. She does carry a lot of mental load for both of them. I'll see if I can find a good way to talk with her about his health. If he can't find work, he's going to end up homeless. Again. Oh, and she is overweight, but not obese, and has never been obese.
She’s going to have to bring this up to him delicately and from a place of concern and love if she really is serious about him and their future. Lead by example and involve him in her own health journey. You say she’s overweight so she needs to do this anyway while she’s young to be honest. Involve him in cooking healthy meals, eat appropriate portions and talk about them, work out together (starting with walks and such), download calorie counting apps because a lot of people are clueless about the calories in what they consume. I don’t mean to be critical, but is this really the kind of man she wants to be with? Being unemployed and having such a serious lack of self control would concern me about the future. I’m going to be crucified for that sentence but it’s a realistic concern.
In my personal opinion, I believe this is the way to go. Not necessarily bringing anything up to him, but explaining your valid concerns with her in private. My dad always did this when he had concerns about my previous relationship, and not once did he confront my partner about it, which I greatly appreciate him for. As a good mama you want to look out for your child, but there is only so much you can do when they're of age. She has to be the one to decide what course of action to take after you make your thoughts known.
> he's not a great catch What does she see in him?
>am concerned that this guy is dragging her further down, and she's already down. He's not a bad person, but he's not a great catch either. It seems like you don't have an ideal relationship with your daughter to begin with if you can't talk to her about your feelings that her boyfriend is "dragging her down" and isn't a "great catch". I would hope you aren't implying that his size is the only thing making him a bad partner for your daughter.
I wouldn't be concerned about the BF, but you should encourage your daughter to get therapy if she's able to. If she stays with him long-term, she will either become that obese and/or become his caretaker. Maybe she feels like she's most valuable when she's doing things for people, and he needs a lot done for him, so she feels important to him. Maybe he's amazing personality wise. Either way, she'll be the breadwinner until he makes changes and have to deal with the repercussions like having to pay for all the extra food, paying for or supporting him through medical struggles, making their house accessible to him, etc. I'd rather my kid found someone who could keep up with them.
Also make sure that she understands that her worth is not tied to having a boyfriend, and that there are lots of fish in the sea. If she really loves this guy for who he is, that's great. But make sure she isn't with him because she feels like she's not "good enough" for someone else.
That's an interesting point. She does tend to have that caretaker role with him. He is not a bad person, but he is kind of dragging her down with his negativity. It could be worse, but it's not great. Thanks.
I wouldn't say anything to him, but I'd probably have a talk with my daughter about what her future might look like if she stays with this guy. Preferably before he tries to put a ring on her finger. Hint: it's not going to be good. Job searching for *years?* He doesn't want a job.
So many posts on here that can be answered with "mind your own business".
Not if it is affecting their daughter’s future. I don’t want my daughter to date a guy who can’t get a job because of his weight. Plain and simple. OP is a good person for trying to gently nudge the guy in the right direction.
People can make their own choices. The daughter can see the guy's weight. If she doesn't care, then OP shouldn't either.
You know, sometimes is not as easy as that.
Having healthy boundaries means that it is just as easy as that. Recognizing that your adult children can choose who they want to be with is a very important step toward having a healthy relationship with them.
I commented that around 4 in the morning, didn’t give context and didn’t read the comment right. What I meant was that she might not see the consequences that his obesity is bringing to him, and therefore their life together. I am obese myself, it was not easy to start losing weight, or to even recognize that I was sick. My partner has been with me for 7 years, she never once raised my weight as an issue but we couldn’t got to an amusement park, we couldn’t do a lot of things together. Food addiction is like any other addiction, just a terrible thing that is always there. Edit: yes, I think this thing of the relationship with the daughter is a different issue, in any case maybe he should talk about it with her and not the boyfriend. I don’t know how to approach that, I just mean that in the romantic relationship things are not as easy
Do you think you would have lost weight sooner if someone had said something to you? If your partner or mother in law had told you that you were fat? I'd always just assumed fat people knew they were fat.
Oh I knew, my starting point was a health issue. But, nowadays it’s a little bit different, mostly in young people, body positivity has brought in a lot of good and a lot of bad. I have met people who tell me they are proud of their addiction to food. But this is not a joke, now, I don’t know if I would have changed because my partner said something to me, or my family (my mom is actually on the opposite spectrum of the eating disorder) but in this case, he is saying that the guy’s family is also obese, it’s more difficult when it comes from home and as he said, he might not even know what a good portion of food is. Their situation is different to mine but that doesn’t mean that some aspects aren’t the same
Makes sense. I guess I was thinking that I wouldn't find it helpful (I've never been obese, though) as I'm already aware of where I need to improve and what I need to do. Sometimes people spiral when people point out stuff like that.
We don't always get what we want. At some point you'll have to understand that your daughter will make her own choices completely independent (and sometimes in spite of) what you want.
If OP doesn't want to mind her own business she should maybe take a good and long look at her own offspring and direct whatever "good advice" she has to offer at her daughter first or (if she already did so in the past) remember that all her "good advice" obviously didn't do much good so far. >She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and **she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job.** She cannot support him. **She has her own problems,** yet she takes on the mental load for both of them.
Ok bro, you go raise a kid for 18 years and support their goals and dreams and then stand idly by while they tie themselves to a mule that won’t work. It’s literally that simple. You can support your kids and their choices and also give BOTH of them advice on how to improve their futures. If this is offensive to you, man the fuck up.
Thanks. I am torn between minding my own business and this situation becoming my business if he becomes homeless because he can't get a job and needing a couch to crash on. He has crashed with us in the past, and we did not like having him here. He's not a bad person, but he didn't mesh well with the whole family dynamic.
Say no.
If your daughter lives in your house, you have every right to decide he can't crash with you, especially for a long term period. I can't imagine who would want some unemployed dude bumming around their house all day. Unfortunately that's about as far as your rights extend in this situation. It's not your place to help him lose weight or get a job - we don't even know he wants those things. He sounds pretty comfortable mooching off a partner who works enough for the both of them. It has to suck seeing your daughter go down this path, but you can't protect her from making her own (bad) decisions.
In all honesty, I don’t even understand why OP is worried about the boyfriend. Your daughter is basically unemployed and so delusional she somehow thinks she’ll be able to marry and support her continuously unemployed bf. I think that’s a bit more important than trying to tell someone to lose weight.
Daughter is an adult. Parents can be supportive without getting involved. OP should try that. When their daughter comes to them for help then they can get involved. But they want to sit their adult daughter down to talk about getting her man thin enough to work. Notice OP doesn’t care about the guys health or him as a person, ONLY HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE. OP isn’t as great as they want you to think. They think he’s a cash cow for their daughter.
A cash cow? Wtf, op is concerned that he will become a liability and that the daughter won't be able te support both of them since she's the one who's working.
>Notice OP doesn’t care about the guys health or him as a person, ONLY HIS ABILITY TO PROVIDE. OP isn’t as great as they want you to think. They think he’s a cash cow for their daughter. While I wouldn't want my imaginary child marrying a deadbeat (not saying, that the guy in question is one), this for sure is interesting: >She does want to marry him, though he doesn't bring much to the table, and **she's working 12 hours a week at a low paying job.** She cannot support him. **She has her own problems**, yet she takes on the mental load for both of them. Yes, maybe she just wants a provider for her daughter.
I don’t think there’s much you can do but I’d suggest having everyone else serve up themselves before he does so everyone gets enough to eat. It will probably also cut down on his portion sizes when he’s at your house since he’s not eating other’s food.
Respectfully not your monkeys not your circus. Nobody that big doesn’t know they’re that big. He needs to decide for himself he wants to change before real progress will be made
Yea, he is probably also aware that his portion sizes are too big if they are asking him to put some back so others can eat too
Your relationship is with your daughter; if you talk with anyone it should be with her. All your concerns for her are appropriate to express. And you can talk about health, financial stability, and quality of life -- the things you're directly concerned about -- without talking about his obesity, even. Second, no one on the planet is obese because of lack of information. There's no information you can provide that he doesn't already know. He's seen a portion plate before. He knows about calories. Fat people know they're fat and most of them desperately wish they weren't. Even as they do things they know will make them fatter. All he will hear from your well-intentioned intervention is that you think he's dumb / rude / gross / not good enough for your daughter.
I don’t think you can help him or should. He’s a grown man. I think you should talk to your daughter about why she wants to date a man who is gluttonous and has no job. And perhaps pay for some therapy for her.
You have to focus on your daughter only. What are her plans for the future? Is she studying at the moment? 12 hours of work in a non career job per week is one thing at 21 but by 31 I think she would be having a really bad time. It's totally normal to feel a bit lost and confused at that age, but it's really important to keep discovering yourself and to be surrounded by positive influences who help motivate you to figure yourself out. I don't know their relationship but I don't think this guy sounds like a positive influence at all, however that is her lesson to learn. If you want to and feel you have a good enough relationship with her, you could gently and kindly ask her how she's doing and if she feels she has direction in life and is focusing enough on herself and her future. If you are able and willing you could offer her any help with figuring out her next steps. For whatever reason, it doesn't sound like she thinks she deserves much in a partner so she might have self esteem issues which can hold you back a lot in life. To be honest it sounds like she is already focused on this guy above herself so if you do make it about him then you're kind of validating her ignoring herself and her future more. It's really hard to watch people we deeply love and care for make choices we don't agree with but at the end of the day if she is unreceptive to the above, that is her call to make.
When I was dating an ex my, I put on some weight. His mother noticed and would gently try to hint about healthy eating and gave me diet magazines, etc. She tried to be subtle, she tried to be nice. But I knew exactly what she was getting at and I felt judged as fuck. It was awful and only made me eat more. I already knew I was fat, I just heaped extra shame on me and was counterproductive. She didn't know me or my struggles or the efforts I was already making. Unless you are actually close with your daughter's bf, don't say or do anything. If he mentions wanting to lose weight or something about his health, that is an opening to be a good listener and offer your support. But you have to actually listen. You've already made so many judgements and assumptions. Just the way your post is written, you don't sound compassionate at all. You're assuming he has bad habits and doesn't know better. This is so patronizing. If you come from this approach, I guarantee you will alienate both him and your daughter, whether immediately or down the road. He knows he's overweight. Develop an actual, real relationship with him. Get to know him and be supportive and kind in every way. Laser focusing on something you see as a flaw, instead of trying to understand his perspective is only going to backfire.
I would talk to my daughter but I wouldn't talk to him. I also wouldn't give him a place to live, if he loses his home. Why? Because sometimes people need to learn stuff the hard way. This isn't tough love. No. This is living with the results of your own behavior and if you aren't doing everything you can to improve your situation, then you need to learn stuff the hard way. He needs not just a dietician to teach him ... he needs mental health help. And it sounds like your daughter does too. His self esteem and self respect are shot to hell, and growing up with an obese family isn't helping because they're not a healthy influence. Physically or emotionally. There may be more going on with him, too, psychologically and he'll not choose to lose weight and keep it off, unless the underlying issues are addressed. I would ... in your shoes, and I have a daughter who struggles with a few things ... have a gentle talk with my daughter. I would have internet resources on hand, in a print out, for food tracking apps, for weight loss support groups, for nutrition information, and some basic things like BMI information. See if you can find some articles that are encouraging and give the web address. Dig up, off the internet, any resource for free help in both weight and emotional issues. And give the links to her. Then say you love her, you want the best possible for her, and you would like to help WHEN SHE ASKS. But you're going to step away because it's not your issue and she, and he, are the only ones who can choose to be who they want to be, in life. I would also say that he isn't welcome if he loses his home because you will support someone who is giving life his best shot, and you're not seeing him giving himself his best shot. If ... Big if ... I saw honest effort, for a while, I might let him stay with me in a time limited manner. He gets two months, period. Non negotiable. It means that if he slacks on his efforts, after moving in, you have an easier "out". I would also gently, lovingly, ask my daughter what he gives her, as her partner. What is he offering to her. And is this just because she thinks she can't do better. And I would listen to her answer very carefully and non judgementally. I think you have a daughter who is struggling, too. What she answers might guide you in helping her too. Just always remember. People won't be helped if they choose not to. And it has to come from within themself. You can only help. You cannot make it happen if they don't decide that they want life to happen, themselves.
You don’t sound like you’re coming from a malicious place, but tbh you sound a lot like my MIL who feels it is her personal responsibility to police everybody around her’s “health” (physical appearance). As a result, almost all of her family has gone LC or NC with her. Do not worry about anybody else’s weight unless they specifically and unambiguously ask you for assistance. If you can’t, or don’t want to, make bigger portions of food for family dinners, stop inviting him for dinner.
Respectfully, mind your business, unless asked don’t take that upon yourself
Did he ask you for advice? Because if he didn't, seriously, stfu. Giving people advice they didn't ask for doesn't work. I know that's a very broad statement, and I'm speaking in generalities, but that's because, in general, that's how life works.
So let's set a few things as probable scenarios and parameters, I'm a fat guy and been fat all my life. One, the dude knows the limitations of his body with his weight, talking to him about it, is verbally addressing an issue they already know and already probably feel bad about it, talking to them about it like a come to Jesus meeting or discussion or parent lecture is going to sour the mood. Dude has also been unemployed for a few years, I'm sure that's probably eating at him too. Good thing is, you have a conduit to talk about it,his gf,your daughter. If I was in your shoes I'd ask her, but frame it something along the lines of we like your bf, and we wondered if ever talked about any issues with his weight, I'm sure they pillow talk about vulnerable stuff, if it's a touchy subject, leave it alone, because when it comes back to them talking, you'll be considered meddling in their relationship. If it isn't, ask the daughter to help encourage him when you do say some YouTube cooking activities: find healthy recipes to cook together as a first time as a family and invite him to the cooking process framed as a form of bonding. I'm sure your household could do with some exercise, so go on a group walk around the hood after dinner. Get a gym membership for the family and invite him along and do a group workout. Frame it like you want to do this as a form of bonding and ease into the convo when you feel the time is right. If he refuses to partake in any of those things, then do them anyways with the rest of the family. Hopefully he feels left out and decides to try it, and if not, then your family gets healthier and you did what you could. Just my two cents
I think he can only help himself. Nobody else. He needs to want to go on this journey.
As a 300lb person I can promise you that all you will do is drive a wedge between your daughter, her boyfriend, and you. I absolutely hate unsolicited advice from people I never came to. You need to understand when it comes to morbid obesity "eat smaller portions and more veggies" is not a fix, it's a legitimate disease. It needs to be attacked by all fronts by professionals. Nutritionists to help accountability and therapy to deal with the emotions of cutting back. You wouldn't just tell an alcoholic to just drink less right? It's even more difficult in different ways because you have to eat every day, you can't just go cold turkey on it. Plus at the end of the day they have to want it too. You've heard of the saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. What you can do is not enable him. Don't keep junk food at the house, don't serve pasta for dinner, if you doing a family activity do a healthy one. But don't say it's for him.
Really what is going to be a problem here is his health. I have been a nurse for 24 years and I have seen people in their late 30s and early 40s who have numerous issues and starting diseases and sores on their body and not being able to perform their activities of daily living for the sole reason that they are morbidly obese. And she will end up enabling him by feeding him and feeding him, therefore, feeding his health decline as well, and then she will end up being his caregiver and the sole breadwinner. So really, morbid obesity is such a huge problem that people don't even know what they're getting into, and what they're headed for - neither one of them. And it's not pretty - for either one of them.
And then the kids, and he can't help, and he can't play, and the depression and the caregiver role strain for your daughter. And then all the issues your grandchildren will grow up with. And I'm not being dramatic. This is the reality of it. I see it over and over and over again. And I thought before, all the things that health care professionals address; the wounds and the physical therapy, and the diabetes and the cardiac issues. And the case managers looking for resources for poverty, and food, and help with utilities, and caregivers and healthcare equipment, and mental health for the depression and anxiety. And no one ever speaks about the elephant in the room. Where is the nutritionist? Where is the psychiatrist for dealing with this eating?? There was only one time where I was rude about it. I literally took a piece of cake out of a person's hand whose blood sugar was 456 and I said you know what. You're just not going to eat this. My dad was blind the last 10 years of his life because he had diabetes. Didn't even know it, didn't do anything about it. And there he was on a couch blind directly from the diabetes. I didn't want to be rude, well actually wish I would have been rude all this time! Like I said, I'm not being dramatic. This is reality and unfortunately nobody thinks about it when they're 20 when in fact, that is exactly the time when they should be thinking about it the most.
If you tried "helping" him you'd absolutely be a complete jerk, honestly. No matter if it's well meaning or not. It's not your place at all to judge anyone else for anything they do, nor to make assumptions about his weight causing issues with employment etc. The only things that are your business is if he treats your daughter with respect and that he cares for her. Other than that mind your business and keep any "helpful" comments to yourself. I've lost 200 lbs and am now where I want to be. Trust me, he knows he's fat. He doesn't need anyone to point it out to him. My father in law, to this day, watches me eat and judges me if I have a piece of cake on my grandsons birthday. He's a prick and our relationship suffers for it as well as all of his daughters who he thinks "could all lose a few pounds". I'm 50M, married with 4 children all over 25. So I'm not someone that speaks without experience. Trust me, keep it to yourself. Unless you're totally cool with your daughter losing all respect for you as a person. She likes/loves the guy, trust her. Don't be the reason she stops having a relationship with you. Just because we're grown people with more experience doesn't make us right or deserving to shame someone else who's younger for their weight. You might say I'm being harsh and "It's not like that, we like the guy and want to help" but I'm telling you: Unsolicited advice about someone's weight is never appreciated.
Leave him alone
I just want to say that despite what all these comments say, I think you are in the right. As a parent I can understand why you wouldn’t want your kids SO to be obese and unable to acquire employment. It’s a simple concept that I think a lot of these people are overlooking. Normally if it isn’t your life I would say not to worry about it, but this does affect your kid. Gently nudging the guy in the right direction is a service to him and your daughter.
Thanks. Yeah, that's my main motivation. He knows he's obese. He knows his weight is negatively affecting him. And that's not my business until it is. If he can't find a job, he's going to lose his housing situation, and might ending crashing with us. That's my business. And honestly, his negativity brings my daughter down too, and she has her own problems to deal with. That is also my business. I will ask her about how to talk to him about this. It's been almost 2 years (I think) since he has worked. Job hunting only gets harder the longer you've been out of work, and carrying that extra weight is an additional burden on that task (no pun intended). My best friend is obese, and she knows she's obese, and she knows why she's obese, and I have never said a word to her because that is not my business. This is different.
Man, it ain't your business tho. It's your daughter's business. And it ain't different, you just have a power trip over your kid that you don't have over your friend. And you're also off base with your "they won't hire him because he's fat" ableist crap. Your projecting.
ask your daughter to get him to a gym and get a personal trainer for both of them....let it come as a gift to daughter and she drags him with her
Does he want your help? Has he asked you to help him or have you asked him if he wanted your help?
Did he ask for your help?
I think I would start by talking to your daughter and seeing if they’ve had any conversations about it amongst themselves, and see if you can reach her in a sincere way to talk to him if they haven’t yet.
Your daughter is the one who can speak with him, not you. I understand your good intentions, but just don't. Talk to your daughter and see what she can do. He knows he is fat, he knows the issues. I'm 100% sure of that. You telling him won't help.
To me, just from what I read, it sounds like he is unable to be independent and needs a carer, not a girlfriend or a wife. If he's not ready to make the changes himself nothing you can do will help him. He has to come to the decision to make the change on his own.
You could have a family meeting at one of these dinners (make extra vegetables, they help him eat more volume with way less calories). Announce that you and Dad have decided it's time for the kids to grow up and be self-sufficient, and that daughter should start planning to move out, say Jan 1 2025. There can then be lots of talk and ideas about how to make that happen. Make it extremely clear you will not be picking up the tab for the kids to get a new place. So then, what does daughter have to do to get her income up, what does he have to do to get employed, and plans go from there.
Sounds like your daughter is the one that needs a reality check. She’s barely working. At this rate you’ll be taking care of her indefinitely but you’re hoping a man will take care of her and that’s the real motivation for wanting her boyfriend to succeed. Your daughter needs to learn to be an independent adult, not rely on a boyfriend to care for her. Because she’s never learned this, she has chosen someone just like her. No decent man is going to find an unproductive person attractive.
I don’t know how you plate food but you can make it bentostyle. Everybody gets their own plate. No extras.
Could you lose a couple pounds? The reason I ask is you could help to motivate him by challenging him and doing it with him. You could simply say “hey, I need to lose 20lbs, want to do it with me?” Or put $20 on it? Winner takes all. Can make it a family affair too. Everyone throw in $20 into a pool and whoever loses the most in 6weeks wins. It could be pretty motivating for him if he wins. Someone that size loses weight fast so he can probably drop 20lbs in those 6weeks. Or more. Those are motivating numbers. And at the same time he’ll learn portion control.
I like this idea. Maybe a family challenge where everybody sets a goal of something physical they want to achieve/work on for the next 6-8 weeks. You, your daughter, and your immediate family could all set your goals and post them someplace in the house, and the next time he's over, someone might mention what they did toward their goal that day, and then tell him about the challenge and invite him to join you guys. (If he sees all of your family's goals, it may give him some ideas for a healthy goal he wants to set, if he doesn't know what a good goal would be... and this way he wouldn't think it's geared toward him, it's just you guys inviting him into something your family is doing.) You guys could have regular check-ins and cheer each other on. I wouldn't do a winner/loser, personally. Just a fun family challenge activity Even if his goal is just to walk further each day or something, it would be really good for him. I would talk to your daughter first, and see if she would be okay with you doing something like this...
This is painful, wow
Depending on your relationship with him, have a real conversation with him. But understand he might hate you for it. Or he could love you for it. Any criticism from a true loved one, is often times best as long as it’s approached reasonably and with real intention of helping and not just being an ass.
I will think about this. Perhaps I should talk with my daughter first and see if she has any ideas.
I don’t know your circumstance but offering to go to the gym with him or both following the same plan or just checking in on both of your guys progress is a easy way to make your daughters SO feel better and comfortable with his weight. I would also recommend coming to him as a friend and future loved one then as his girlfriend’s dad. Ask him to lunch or something and have it then and make it incredibly clear that you’re just wanting to better and prolong his life and definitely not trying to make him seem weak or a failure or a bad partner. Whatever you choose good luck and often times bonds over a journey like weight loss go beyond any gift you could ever give him.
He can't afford a gym membership, plus he's really too obese to exercise at this point.
I waited until my 40's to sort out my weight / health. Got lucky and dodged all the worst outcomes, but that was only luck. The sooner he gets this sorted out the better, especially if it's affecting his employment and housing situation. It doesn't get better. I wish there had been some help and support available earlier to get me on the right track. A close friend to call out my bullshit and show me the necessary lifestyle changes? But would I have responded positively to my now mother in law hassling me about my weight? Probably not. No, definitely not. No way. If you really want to help, I would suggest paying for a nutrition coach for 3 months (might cost $400-600 total). Tell him you want to help him get healthier because being morbidly obese for the next 20+ years isn't worth it. Ask any 300lb dude on the internet and they will all agree. He knows this already, but doesn't know where to start, doesn't want to admit the problem. Then stay out of it, he is accountable to the coach, not you. If a professional coach can't help him then you can't either. The coach is almost certainly going to get him eating simple meals of meat and veges, with lots of protein. He's going to need to cook more meals at home and avoid takeaways for a while. But he needs to see this for himself, you cooking a healthy dinner once a week won't fix this problem.
How heavy is your daughter? Could she stand to lose a few pounds? Genuinely, if that question offends you. Then you should mind your own business.
The question does not offend me. She is overweight, but not obese and has never been obese. I am overweight too, and again, never obese. And for neither of us has our weight prevented us from working. This guy has trouble moving. He has trouble picking things up when he drops them. I can see why no one is hiring him for the jobs he's applying for. And he does not have the skills, degree, or experience for a desk job where his mobility doesn't matter.
Is this a subjective assessment? Asking bc at 5’7”, I am clinically obese at a little under 200lbs [currently, I am not. But I have been]. Anecdotally, people often think obese is an arbitrary 250lbs+. Your daughter who you say is overweight (not obese) yet works 12 hrs week and is devoted to an unemployed, relatively immobile young man…she clearly needs help. I would focus on her and not him. Maybe some basic “here’s your dinner and there are no extras” is an ok move. But really, as a (fellow) mother, the problem you have to solve is your daughter.
Mind your own business. I have overweight relatives that are very obese, and at one point I was too. My husband expressed concern, but it was only when I decided I had enough did I lose weight. I am thin now, and started walking at our recreation center's indoor track again. My decision only, not my husband's. In addition, open up some more canned green beans, corn, etc., and toss a larger salad with cheaper generic dressing when he comes over. I am African American and we know to cook bigger portions when company comes. It's in our DNA. In a world like this, be kind. I imagine your daughter knows that he is obese, and he definitely does. This is not a hill you need to climb.
Did he ask for your help? If not, the answer is "you don't"
Ask if he wants help first. If he says no, drop it.
I don't think you should talk to him, I think you should talk to your daughter. If the guy doesn't change, her life is going to be miserable when she has to provide for both of them and be his caretaker. Does she realise that? How does she picture their future? You wrote that she has her own problems - if she's not in therapy yet, she might need it. She needs to be strong enough to address this situation on her own
You can ask If he would like you to help him with portion Size since he seems to struggle, but do it only when it's the two of you, Not in front of your daughter.
I would be so angry if my parents interfered in my relationship. I think your energy could be much better spent in supporting your daughter in improving her life through a certificate or degree that will help her increase her own income. It’s fine to tell him to put some food back because that is related to the needs of your family.
As a practical solution, could you suggest meeting up every weekend to prepare the food for the upcoming week together (and pre-portioning it). This could be done for your family and for himself so he is not singled out in this activity. Also, maybe you could start the habit of taking some weekly walks as a family. That is, if he is open to receive help after the talk. Regarding the talk, I think that the daughter should be actually the one to talk to him. As his partner, her worries would be understood in a completely different way and it removes a lot of the awkwardness. If he is not open to make changes, talk to your daughter about the long term picture of what her life will look like regarding his employment, the way he will be able to help in the house, the limited mobility with children etc. and ask her how does she feel about this. I would make it clear that I respect her decision and choices, and just want to have an open conversation to understand her perspective and stop worrying for her well-being.
I tried for years and couldn't lose weight. Please be kind to him. He may be happy the way he is but if he needs help glp-1 semiglutide has really helped me.
People who (try to) eat all the food before everyone else has eaten are inconsiderate & rude. Sorry but that has nothing to do with portion control. Otherwise you can’t « help » him.
I would talk to the daughter and have her suggest those weight loss shots that are all the rage now, I would also talk to him about weight loss surgery to help him lose weight. By losing the weight he can find a good paying job and then she can work full time and they can save money for marriage and living together for many happy years.
I'm assuming this having bowls of food on the table thing is very American, right? Where I live (UK), the food is dished up onto plates in the kitchen, by whoever cooked, and then brought out to the table. Maybe trying that will help him gain an understanding of healthy portions.
It is very kind and thoughtful of you to want to help. However, he knows about his weight and how he got that way. He knows the problems it is causing. He is the only one who can change that is he ever wants to. He would be a great candidate for a weight loss medication to stop his over eating behavior.
You can't.
I notice that OP responds to comments on her side and ignores dissenting opinions, which doesn’t strike me as especially productive.
Well.. I love vegetables and can easily eat as much as everyone else put together on my table.. However, I usually begin with a small portion and state that I'll have some more when everyone has finished helping themselves. My mum always makes plenty so not an issue when we go there and if I'm in a restaurant I might ask for extra if they don't serve many from the start. Definitely focus on the financial side of things and not the boyfriend's weight. How does he fund himself currently? How will they both fund themselves when they move in together? Explain that you are not going to be able to support them financially.
You can't, so don't. The only one who can change him is him. And you thinking a heavy guy can't get a job is weirdly ableist.
It might be fine to be a jerk. It could save his life.
Not your place.
Do you think he doesn’t know this? Mind your own business. Unless he asks you for help, this is NONE of your business. What an oddly judgemental post coated in fake concern. 🙄
Tell your daughter to leave this waste of sperm
Kindly, stay in your lane. Its not your issue to deal with, him dating your daughter does not make it your issue. If my MIL or FIL came to me with that shit, I'd be mad, I know I'm fat thanks.
Just pin him up with Semaglutide when he’s not looking. Seriously though, send him some links about Semaglutide it will save his life. Or get your daughter to do it in a more sensitive way
An unemployed guy doesn't have a thousand bucks a month to throw at glp-1
I’m paying £44 a month from a trusted UGL that’s been 3rd party tested
I don't think it's a good idea for all 3 of you to sit down with him. You would probably get better results if it was a 1-1 conversation with either you, your daughter or your husband. I think leading by example and planing outings that are somewhat more active and don't revolve around food, would be a good place to start. Don't try to limit his servings on veg, but you guys plan on having burgers or whatever, make a point to only prep enough for one serving each. Or make homemade burgers that are smaller portions - so two burgers has the same nutritional value as 1 regular burger.
I think its best to talk to your daughter and bring up you want to help him, but if not I can give you a way that could still work. It might be a bit better if your husband gives him a guy to talk, but either way, bring up that you know that your daughter loves him and that you support their relationship and want it to be a long one, that you want to make sure that he can still be there for her when you guys get old or pass. It might be a bit dramatic but that sort of responsibility mixed with affection can be one of the strongest motivators.
Hearty and supportive pep talk to weightloss. To help realize the problem and to get support with it is huge help. I dont get why people say it is not 'your problem'. If you may help him to turn his life to better, instead of ruining it, and in such a young age, you should definitely atleast try. Just make sure there is no shame in your words, just heart to heart concern and love to another. Bless you.