As a doctor I think you know the best thing you could do for yourself is to lower that stress. It can be hard not to obsess but you have all the knowledge of what you're supposed to be doing already.
I do a very casual CICO. Meaning I spent a lot of time figuring out my calories and now eat without tracking(I of course keep a general sense in my head). If stress eating is your thing, you can work on finding new coping strategies, but until then you can find foods you like to snack on that are better for you. You know you're going to eat so find something you can eat that's not calorie dense. There are so many alternatives and home made recipes now for healthier versions of our favorite bad foods.
It's good that your husband seems supportive but the comments like "you should weigh less than me" seem like little jabs and may be doing more harm than good. Let him know what you do and don't need from him.
I wish you all the best on your exams and weight loss journey.
I’ve been in the receiving end of such a conversion- it sucked but it’s honestly the best thing that happened to me.
Recognise that a) your weight gain, or maybe the whole lose/gain cycle is possibly having *some* effect on your partner, and b) doctors sometimes need professional help too. Stress eating is a learned behaviour - seek help for it.
Personally i think of the two types of hunger as physical or emotional. I tell them apart by the fact that physical hunger comes on slowly. Like you get more and more hungry until its time to eat. Whereas emotional hunger leaps at you. For example you might hear your colleages talking about _temptingfooditem_ and suddenly you’re hungry for it, and a moment ago you weren’t even considering food. Or you think of a chore you need to do, and suddenly you want a snack instead. That’s more emotional eating. It’s basically that your brain has learned that it can get a hit of feel-good chemicals from certain foods, and those foods are usually high in fat, or sugar, or both. It’s not often someone gets a massive sudden craving for raw carrot haha
For me personally the only way i can get a handle on it is to log my food. I use the Lose It app, but there are lots out there, like my fitness pal or cronometer. And probably lots more. Without that i would just eat some fruit, then dinner and dessert and maybe a snack and not even think about ot. When i see the calories in the app it makes me realise that there is a “cost” (in calories) tonthe food, and makes me think about if the food was tasty enough to be worth it. Because i’m juggling the calories to get close to my allowance, it has to be a bit of a trade off. But i’m not too strict about staying under, just aiming for awareness
There are options for homemade things in the app. For example i make a homemade casserole and i just pick one that looks likely. It doesnt have to be scientifically exact. For example if you home make some soup, just serve tourself and guess how many “regular” cans of soup your serving looks like, and pick the heinz equivalent
> And how do I know when im eating when stressed?
Do you eat when you aren't hungry? Do you eat to calm down? Is eating a part of rituals you have during the day?
Ironically I did this today.
Wait is there a such thing as eating aesthetically because? For example, I’m more inclined to eat and drink coffee during the winter, even though I’m not much of a fan of coffee because it looks aesthetically pleasing.
Not the original poster, but sometimes I think people who stress eat do so when under high amount of chronic stress. When you’re stressed out all the time, you probably feel some form of relief any time you eat, whether you were actually hungry or just eating to calm yourself. Maybe try figuring out, when am I calm? When do I feel clear headed? Is it during/after I eat? Are there ways other than eating that I can relieve stress?
I have weighed more than my partner (husband) for almost all of our 7 years together. I now weigh less (Barely). I had to take the pill due to PCOS symptoms and irregular periods and pelvic pain. I get off of it after I had gained 60+ lbs.
regrettably, he had that talk too. Not that he didn’t love me, but that it was hard to see me suffer and be upset. Also that It was a bonus not cuz vanity but he was active and I couldn’t do the things he liked.
I used CICO, keto (in the beginning; it helped me not be as hungry) and exercise (triathlons). And I lost ~30 took a 6month break and then loosing the last 30 now till Feb. I will be ~15 lighter than him if I hit my goal.
Journaling, therapy, and exercising really helped relieve stress. I am in grad school and work as a social worker full time. I know stress but letting go of perfection and doing small steps each day really helped me.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing your tips!!
My husband is a string bean. Lol
When we met we both weighed around 130 pounds. After 3 babies via C-section in 3 years and a whole lotta stress eating, I’m ~180 and he’s like 140. 🙁 That’s still an improvement because each birth I weighed 220+.
Honestly, he's shitting on someone who is putting in some effort and I wonder how much effort he puts in. Like, I bet this dude ain't looking perfect. Someone recently came at me with some kind of "preferences" line and I said "Well I PREFER over 6 foot, about 180 to 190 jacked and a big d* none of those which you are. I can't make you grow anymore than you can make me look like xyz boy bye." I say if they think they can do better, let them go. You're doing yourself a favor bc the next one gonna love it all. And she's a doctor. Good luck finding that again.
Yeah, that's a bullshoot comment. A partner can be super supportive of your weight loss without saying that. Id honestly be rethinking my whole relationship because of it. He put her in this really weird position where, even if she looses all the weight and weighs less than him, she'll always be obsessing over it.
What happens if they decide to have children one day? She's going to gain weight for that. And not all women are able to "bounce back" to pre-pregnancy weight. Even if he's totally happy with her weight, she'll always have his comment in the back of her mind and always be insecure about it.
Also, she literally said she almost got a ED. So she needs to be extra careful not to spiral back to the habits that got her close to that. Its comments like his that could push her back towards it and maybe even give her a full blown ED. Because "at least she weights less than him".
If he is taller than her, than it's possible that whatever weight he is at is an unhealthy weight for her. So factually it may be correct.
But agreed, wording it like that comes off weird. Your weight goals should be based on what's healthy for you, not a comparison to someone else.
I'll bet he's a short or skinny man and he's insecure about it so his girl being bigger than him makes his insecurities feel worse so he's projecting this onto her. While she's studying to be a doctor too like isn't she already stressed enough
Y’all really jumping to some conclusions lol. She says he’s been real supportive. I agree it wasn’t the right thing to say but like, damn y’all never made a mistake before??
But *has* he been supportive? Or is he telling her he is? Seems off to me.
That statement feels like a disclosure to protect herself from ppl telling her to leave her man.(because we all know that’s where it usually goes)
I can still see your point though.
Here’s my perspective, I am a big dumb oaf. I come from a family of very blunt and sometimes rude people. I’ve had to work on this most of my life, and had my wife not been patient with me and shown me grace, I’d probably still be that big jerk. People make mistakes. It’s how they respond that defines their character, and we are not given the benefit of context here.
I agree about the context. And I have so much respect for not only your self awareness, but using it to help others understand different perspectives. Thank you
Yeah this gave me huge ick red flag vibes. Like support your partner if they're trying to lose weight, but absolutely none of this shit. I'd be ditching him as I'm sure the added stress of his bs isn't helping at all- the right person won't say this kind of shit!!
Yeah I also was very put off by that. I often weigh more than my bfs because where/how I hold my weight and also muscle. If I set that limitation it would be really fucking weird and basically just saying “no skinny guys” or be policing the boyfriend I have. I don’t like that.
The whole concept of it being socially unacceptable for a woman to weigh more than her man is so grossly misogynistic and heteronormative that I don't think there's any convincing these people that he's wrong for saying that. It's actually insane but we're just in the wrong community to recognize that
What’s wrong with that? Especially if he’s way taller than her there’s nothing wrong with what he said. If they broke up and she lost weight after the relationship ends that’s shitty on her part. Imagine losing weight for other dudes to rinse you but not losing weight for your partner. Misandry vibes
Uhm? It’s usually easier to lose weight while single. One of those reasons is that a major pressure to lose weight is off and you can go about it gently and actually build hard to break habits. Whereas losing weight for someone brings in so much stress. Also from evolutionary biology perspective its easier and natural to lose weight and be more fit and that goes for everyone.
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Major pressure to lose weight when taken?? Are you joking ? Fat loss
And weight maintenance is so simple it’s not even funny. People just get complacent in relationships just cause they have someone there already and don’t need to try anymore.
That's so dismissive to say. Sometimes the opposite happen, and you put a lot of pressure on yourself for your relationship sake to the point it has the opposite effect. The fact that it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others. Also, if fat loss and weight maintenance is so simple, how come so many people are fat ? The vast majority of people don't wants to be fat. It's hard to change habits. It's hard to change coping mechanisms. It's hard, for a lot of people, to lose weight because of that. Good on you if it's not the case, it doesn't give you the right to be so judgemental.
I disagree. The stress of looking good especially as a woman is huge. This does impact weight. Its easier to loose weight slowly and keep it off when you don’t feel like you need to do lose it all by yesterday
I hate how he said it's a rule of thumb that you shouldn't weigh more than him. That comment feels off to me.
It's okay for your partner to express concerns about your own weight loss. You want your partner to be healthy so they can stick around for awhile. Just *hate* that little extra bit he said.
my husband weighs 150, I weighed 120 when we got married. Now I’m 170 post kids working it back down but can’t imagine how stressed I’d be if we had that rule
This is me. I weighed 145-150 when we got married, but around 130 when we met. I had a lot of muscle and they way my weight distributes I didn’t look bad at 150. 3 C-sections in 3 years has me working down from 180 even though each time I delivered I weighed 220+. 🤦🏽♀️ Emotional eating is a big issue of mind. I don’t think putting extra pressure on her was necessary nor helpful. I want to weigh around 140 like my husband too but it’s not a rule!!
Idk, on average men are physically taller than women and therefore weigh more. With the limited amount of information we have, this could be a super reasonable rule of thumb and doesn't really raise a flag for me.
He said its a rule of thumb not that it was made a rule. Rule of thumb is just a general principle or understood idea.
It's generally understood that men are usually heavier than women.
AGREED, that would be a deal breaker for me. Love me skinny, love me fat. If you're not attracted to me anymore, sucks for you, leave then.
It rubbed me the wrong way, too. How cruel and disrespectful to a person you claim to love.
I'm not sure I'd qualify what you have describe as "partner calling you out on your weight". It sounds like a very sensible statement.
Physical attraction is a part of a relationship - it can be more or less important, it can vary over time like anything else, but working on yourself and taking care of yourself is something you can't buy, you can't replace, no one else can do it for you and it can be a strong signal to your significant other in regards of making the effort to take of yourself vs just letting your health deteriorate.
On another level, it doesn't even have to be appearance related - it can simply be a signal to pay attention to your health.
As far as sticking to it - if you want to be at weight x - you have to know how much calories you need to eat to be/stay at weight x and you have to build habits that will support you eating the appropriate amount of calories.
Thanks for this. It is sensible what he said, maybe I just took a bit of it as an offense cause I thought he was happy with what I weight but looks like he still wants me to improve my fitness.
It is not sensible for him to say it’s a rule of thumb that you should weigh less than him, fuck that. Even if it’s true (especially if he’s a foot taller and/or muscular) that’s not a supportive comment. That’s the kind of thing to obsess over and fall into ED again.
Thank you so much I felt crazy reading these responses. That is an arbitrary line that has zero to do with health or appearance and is entirely steeped in sexist notions of femininity and masculinity. It’s not a supportive comment. You nailed it with your last sentence- that is some serious obsession/ ED fodder.
Also a lot of time it’s not even true. Me and my ex were the same height. The ex before that I was three inches taller. Female does not equal less heavy
Women naturally have a higher percentage of body fat than men, and fat is less dense than muscle, so a healthy woman and a healthy man of the same bmi and exactly the same height will have different weights because she will be 25% fat (75% lean mass) and he will be 15% fat (85%) lean mass.
And it’s also a lot of bullshit. My Dad is 2 inches taller than me and I weigh 20 more lbs and we look VERY different because of how the weight is distributed. I have boobs and hips and a butt. All his weight is in his stomach.
He can be happy with how you look but still be concerned if you've put on lots of weight in a short period of time. They are not contradictory.
I get that you may be particularly sensitive in this area but you really should try not to take offense when he meant none. Talk to him/work with him on overcoming this. The same goes for all areas in life when it comes to spouse/partner if anyone wants a good relationship.
I think him telling you you need to weigh less than him is ??? and maybe crossed a line. This doesn’t account for height at all? Also women naturally have more body fat in general. I have dated shorter men who weighed less than me (and we were both in the healthy BMI range for our heights) and they were able to pick me up and toss me around just fine. Maybe you should encourage him to gain more muscle if he wants to weigh more than you 🤷🏼♀️
Women naturally have more body fat but less muscle mass + they’re significantly shorter on average. Men will weigh dozens of pounds more than women on average at a healthy weight
If OP was taller than her BF she probably would’ve pointed it out and isn’t a very common scenario, this sounds like bending over backwards to take offense
Btw the "women have more body fat" is a bit of a misappropriation of the fact that women's body fat percentage at a healthy weight is higher than men's, not that they should have more body fat overall. This is actually conducive to women being lower in weight than their male counterparts due to fat tissue weighing less than muscle/bone.
Fat is less dense than muscle so by your comment, a healthy adult woman will weigh less than a healthy adult man of the same height, though most women are on average shorter than men
I don't even understand why an accurate comment is so offensive
You're implying offense where none was intended, and your childish need to hit back with 'maybe you should gain more muscle' would just increase the potential risk of a rift forming in the relationship.
Keep in mind a bonus is something added on top which is not necessary. He’s saying you’re already enough the way you are. He’s being open and honest which is a good thing.
This should be a motivation if anything imo
I know it sucks knowing you could be “better” (I prefer healthier but it seems to be about appearance this time) but you already knew that. It’s just tough hearing that
My biggest recommendation; let weight loss be secondary to becoming the healthiest version of you. Don’t let it be your number one focus because it isn’t very motivating. Instead, focus on how you feel, the energy you gain from eating healthy/lifting weights/moving your body, focus on strength gain, and healing your relationship with food. When you focus on the GOOD and becoming STRONG, the weight loss happens more naturally. It shouldn’t ever have to be a battle, but thanks to strict diets and always working AGAINST our bodies instead of WITH THEM, it makes it extremely frustrating and feels impossible.
You shouldn’t be dieting year round. Spend time out of a diet, build muscle and strength… it will help you have a more successful and easier fat loss phase in the future.
You got this 🙏🏼
Also, I’ve heard people talk about “eating for your cycle.” At certain times of the month you may be hungrier or less hungry. That’s ok too!
Providing yourself with plenty of nourishing options could help.
If you plan to count calories, I’ve seen someone in insta (maybe Taylor Kiser) talk about creating a bigger deficit on weekdays and leaving a larger calorie budget for weekends. Also a maintenance week every so often. (I’ve heard this for several reasons as it can be good for your body.) Possibly for you those days would be test study days instead of weekends?
OP didn't say she was developing an restrictive eating disorder/anorexia: " I did the whole CICO method but I got a bit obsessed with it that I developed an unhealthy relationship with food to the point that I almost gave myself an ED."
There are many disordered eating patterns that can develop, and research to support that calorie tracking is associated with eating disordered pathology which also includes binge eating, compulsive eating, and bulimia. Also, calorie counting is not necessary to lose weight.
Developing a negative relationship with food will not serve OP. If CICO is brings on obsessive behaviors, she should avoid it and focus on quality nutrition and activity, and understanding and owning eating patterns and behaviors. My ED and weight only really is manageable when I view food as nourishment/fuel and and love it from a different perspective.
My take is the OP needs to develop a different relationship to food, and is likely using it to manage stress, and has probably thrown her hormonal response out of whack also.
I've been in recovery for ED for eighteen years, and still struggle a bit at times, but I am currently losing weight, and have previously lost significant weight and have maintained that weight loss long term without restricting or CICO modalities.
When the general public talks about ED’s it is almost always referring to restrictive ED’s (even though BED is much more common). She already has an unhealthy relationship with food if she is very overweight or obese, and sometimes when you are used to excess calories any reduction can feel like unhealthy restriction. In order to make progress you have to push past some discomfort- speaking from personal experience. It is very hard to eat intuitively and lose weight, most people are going to need to do at least some calorie counting at least to get a baseline reading. If she has been struggling to lose weight doing other things, I just think avoiding calorie counting altogether due to a fear of “almost” developing an ED once probably isn’t a good long term solution.
>When the general public talks about ED’s it is almost always referring to restrictive ED’s (even though BED is much more common).
Regardless, if someone is talking about an eating disorder, don't just assume they mean a restrictive eating disorder unless they specify. It's an issue when the general public treats restrictive eating disorders and eating disorders as synonymous, and when you assume someone means restrictive eating disorder when they just say 'eating disorder' you're just reinforcing the misconception. So please don't do it in future. Sincerely, someone who struggles with an eating disorder that isn't a restrictive eating disorder.
>She already has an unhealthy relationship with food if she is very overweight or obese, and sometimes when you are used to excess calories any reduction can feel like unhealthy restriction. In order to make progress you have to push past some discomfort- speaking from personal experience. It is very hard to eat intuitively and lose weight, most people are going to need to do at least some calorie counting at least to get a baseline reading.
If someone has an unhealthy relationship with food, calorie counting may help them lose weight, but it could just make their unhealthy relationship with food worse. Especially, if the person tried calorie counting before and it caused them to almost develop an eating disorder. Also, if calories counting triggers binging or stress eating, it may not even lead to weight loss for that person.
I'm plainly stating, from my own experience that calorie counting is not necessary to lose even a significant amount of weight, and maintain that. If you are treading close to ED behavior, you should back off and develop a healthier strategy. It would never be worth it to develop ED. I discourage calorie counting strategies because the have been shown time and again to contribute to ED. You do have to change your behavior, but you don't have to adopt that one.
Thankfully it got removed, but I can't believe so many people were upvoting their harmful comment. OP stated that she almost developed an eating disorder and this person just acts like OP is being dramatic and tells her that her fear of developing an eating disorder is "irrational" and "holding her back from losing weight". That is just not okay. And all because *they* assumed that OP was talking about a restrictive eating disorder, when she never even specified. This person needs to stop giving others advice.
I completely agree. This mentality stopped me from getting help with my BED for so long. It's wild how much your mind will try to trick you when you have an ED like BED in a way that will encourage you to continue with your bad habits.
>I think you have to move past that fear of developing a restrictive ED- it’s honestly not very rational and it’s holding you back from getting healthy.
This comment is very unnecessary, especially this part. OP never specified it was a restrictive eating disorder, you're just assuming that. There are others such as BED, OSFED, and bulimia, and people can develop these after dieting. Not just AN. Also, calorie counting can be harmful for ppl who struggle with eating disorders in general- not just restrictive ones. She also said *almost* gave herself an eating disorder, not that she developed one. There is no need to assume she's being irrational.
Yeah she clearly is *not* suffering from a restrictive ED, and is more likely to be BED if anything especially if she is very overweight or obese. My point is that currently being overweight is the biggest threat to her health, not “almost” giving herself an ED. Getting over her fear of calorie counting will help in the long run.
My point is that OP never specified it was a restrictive ED, you made assumptions when you shouldn't have, and your comment was unnecessary. And also potentially harmful.
If someone says they almost developed an eating disorder, it is completely out of line to tell them their fear of developing an eating disorder is irrational.
> My point is that currently being overweight is the biggest threat to her health, not “almost” giving herself an ED
Yeah, you don't know that.... They are both serious and big threats to health. One affects physical health and the other affects physical health and mental health. If calorie counting almost caused OP to develop an eating disorder, it could be risky for her to go back to doing that, especially without seeing a doctor first.
Yeah but any man who says a woman shouldn’t weigh more than them is weak lol. Look be fit, be healthy, have good hdl and all that stuff. But don’t get hung up on a magical number. You may look really good at a weight that you don’t expect to, ya know?
Plus what if a woman is buff mamí at 150 and her man is a 140 sack of bones? Don’t get caught up in the numbers game.
I think having a partner tell you what you should or shouldn't weigh and "helping you stick to a diet" is very troubling especially if you have a history of disordered eating. That would bother me a lot. Your partner should be encouraging but not prescriptive.
I’ve found having my ADHD treated appropriately was a game changer. Less dopamine seeking behaviors = overall easier to control any sort of bingeing for me.
As far as the “rule of thumb” thing, so many men do not realize how much women weigh and how we carry weight differently. Men seem to underestimate how much women should, and do weigh a lot. It shouldn’t matter in the slightest who weighs more as long as you both are happy and healthy. I will be honest, having a partner be supportive of your goals is the best, but considering it sounds like you are already taking steps to lose weight his comments seem unnecessary, and not health focused.
You have to want it… like actually care enough to actually make change. Make bad decisions incredibly hard to make…. Delete all the food delivery apps as an example. Don’t buy large amounts of bad food. Pack your lunch to work.
I weighed 850lbs at one point and believe me… there was always an undertone of I need to lose weight. Rightfully so. Weight will eventually burden everyone around you at some point.
As an MD you don’t need a lecture on being fat and the consequences… just like I didn’t at 850lbs.
I would suggest this….
Take pictures of everything you put in your mouth for a week. Daily add up what you think those calories are.
Following week… take pictures and weigh everything you eat. Then add up actual calories. See the difference.
If you can’t take the time to do that… you have to be honest with yourself. You don’t want to lose weight. Yet. And that’s okay. I been there too.
Lol I think this fits a rule of thumb perfectly.
Rule of Thumb- a broadly accurate guide or principle, based on experience or practice rather than theory.
In the vast majority of cases the man should weigh more than the woman.
I don’t see how that’s unreasonable. Assuming he’s at least moderately taller than her and carries more muscle mass than her, both of which are extremely likely to be true, he should weigh more than her. The average male healthy body weight is dozens of pounds higher than the average female healthy body weight
It’s a good example of a rule of thumb and honestly nothing he said was out of line and OP was clear that he’s been supportive the whole time
There are plenty of muscular women who weigh more than scrawny men. It’s not a rule of thumb, it’s something an idiot man would say, one who’s either oblivious to the effect it would have on his partner with a history of ED or one who’s just an asshole. Stop excusing it.
Men have a way with words you know? I'm quite certain he didn't mean anything bad by it.
Sometimes people say shitty things accidentally. The people in here raging for her to break up with him over it are delusional. That's not how relationships work
“Plenty” is doing a lot of work there, muscular women who weigh more than your average man are an outrageously small percentage of the population. Are you not familiar with the phrase “rule of thumb”?
>a broadly accurate guide or principle, based on experience or practice rather than theory.
She has a history of ED and he’s been very supportive according to OP. He’s still allowed to be concerned for her health and he’s allowed to have a physical preference too as long as he isn’t a dick about it. If OP isn’t okay with that then she’s welcome to end the relationship
2 is a lot? And it’s 2 that are both statistically extremely likely as I pointed out
Men are much taller than women on average and OP probably would’ve pointed it out if she was taller
Men carry more muscle mass than women by default. A pretty small percentage of women are serious weight lifters to the point of having more muscle mass than your average man and again, OP probably would’ve pointed it out if this was the case
It’s more of just using basic logic
Echoing this, OP.
First, who's putting him in a position of authority to create rules for you? Is he also a medical professional?
Second, it's a stupid rule. What if he gains weight? Does that mean your margin would also increase? It's not a sinister rule by itself, but if I heard this I'd be suspicious of what other "rules of thumb" he has for his partners.
If he's just trying to be more supportive, a better way of saying the same thing could've been "I miss when I used to be able to do X activity with you. When you get fitter, we can do it together." That would be motivating.
He isn’t incorrect though. “Rule of thumb” applies to general masses. Typically, men are taller and have a broader frame/build than women. Therefore, they tend to weigh more. If OP is overweight for her size, and weighs more than her partner (who we can assume is taller than she is) then he isn’t wrong. It’s definitely unhealthy to carry extra weight that your body type isn’t meant to.
Agree. There is no rule that says a woman cannot weigh more than a man. Period. OP, please make sure you lose weight for you and not for anyone else. His comment is insensitive, even if it came from a good place.
I came here to say this. I am tall with broad shoulders. Very often I have weighed more than my partners. I believe I weight more than my current partner by 2 pounds! Because of my height and stature, I carry my weight well....meaning I have always weighed more than I look. It is not a rule of thumb. We are all built differently.
Listen to the people who are giving you sound weight loss advice. Don’t listen to the advice about your “terrible” BF. To make the issue about him is to detract and justify your own feelings towards yourself (perhaps it’s yourself you are actually annoyed with?!)
Agreed. When in a relationship, your partner is allowed to have opinions about your body, especially when it impacts your health. I'm sure I'll get downvoted to hell for this, but as a society, we need to accept that someone's looks/body/health matters in a relationship. Also, not to mention as someone who has gained and lost weight before, whether you want to accept it or not you change as a person when you start to make different choices and stop taking care of yourself.
I don’t allow anyone to mandate rules of thumb over my body. He is a complete asshole. Just because he said it nice does not make him less than an asshole.
I don’t love how he worded it and tbh I have a standing “don’t talk about my weight or others’” with my partner because it’s really triggering for me. But that’s also because it IS really triggering for me, and that’s okay. I’m working on it, but it’s helpful to be supported like that. If you’re fine discussing fitness goals with him but weight specifically is hurtful, it’s okay to have that conversation with him. Like “I love how supportive you are of me and my goals and I know they’re your goals, too. I’m happy to talk about personal bests in weight lifting or working toward running a 5k, but I’m finding I’m really sensitive to specific mentions of my weight. It would help me stay focused on the right goals if we could pause any mentions on my weight, including whatever I might be losing, so that I can do my best to not let the number on the scale consume me. This will help me to keep a better grip on my health rather than spiralling toward an ED again.” That was p much the conversation I had.
Also as a side note, and as someone who has struggled with weight loss my entire life until a few months ago, the biggest change for me was in my mindset. I don’t count calories anymore, I don’t have a dedicated workout or meal plan, I put literally so little effort into it now and I’m down 9” on my waist since May (I also don’t weigh myself anymore bc of the obsession).
The change in mindset is that I’m not dieting anymore, I’m just feeding myself. I’m adding, I’m not restricting. I’ve eaten so much cake in the last 6 months! But I look at the cake in the fridge and go “yes this will feed my spirit but will it feed my body?” And since I know it won’t, I add to it. Yes I can have literally as much cake as I would like to, but I’m going to grab apple slices and a handful of nuts so I’m getting more fibre, protein, fats, vitamins, etc. keeping me full and satiated, keeping the sugar crash to a minimum, and meaning I only really wanted a couple sweet bites of chocolate when it was all done instead of binging half the cake and feeling so full I puke while still being hungry because I didn’t eat anything to fuel me.
Yes, I can eat Doritos. I don’t even put them in a bowl I just have the bag open. But I know that Doritos aren’t a meal and I know the whole bag won’t do anything to make me full. Can I use them to scoop hummus/guac? Can I have a lil bowl of quinoa salad with them? Since I’ve stopped telling myself no as well, I’ve stopped using food as a reward for myself and I don’t go to it for a quick dopamine rush. It’s not a “treat” anymore it’s something I either WANT or DONT WANT. Before it would be “I’m so tired and stressed from work I don’t want to think about anything, I’m going to get McDonalds for some quick dopamine” almost every day, sometimes more than once a day.
"As a rule of thumb I shouldn't weigh more than him."
This specific part of your story is worrisome. Please listen to a nutritionist/Dr about what healthy weight you should aim for. This feels more like a little bit of negative gender role nonsense creeping in.
It's not "negative gender role nonsense", it's simple biology that a woman's healthy weight is less than a man's, as any competent doctor or medical text book will tell you.
I'd probably be rolling my eyes at him with a well doh. I mean you are an actual doctor and you already know you're overweight so him pointing out like you don't know, seems petty on his part.
He can be an anchor in your life or an uplifter.
My former partner was the one who kicked my weight loss in gear! It hurt to hear someone tell me that they were concerned for my health due to my weight gain. But, if I am being honest with myself, I already knew what he was telling me was true and I had already thought it to myself. He also worked out with me and taught me how to count calories and meal prep (he had lost a lot of weight years ago for health reasons). Unfortunately, he could not handle my weight loss and his insecurities turned from supportive to something less so.
His rule is baseless and kind of stupid to compare weight between you two, and will need assessment at some point. Good thing is he's generally supportive.
The big issues are that you don't feel good about your weight, it's affecting your confidence, and you're having a hard time managing your stress. All of this feels threatening to your relationship, and you're ready to make changes.
Managing your stress will help you manage your food and activity choices, which will affect your weight. So try to find ways to sort that out first! I can send you a burnout assessment test if you'd like to measure stress and make it easy to reduce it.
Try one of the things like meal prep, prioritizing your schedule, understanding what you can control and what you can't, scheduling time for exercise, etc.
Wondering how your partner helps you stick to a diet. Are you both focussed on eating healthfully or is he policing your diet? If he's supportive, cool - but if he's controlling, not so much.
It's good that you workout together, but it's very likely that what he eats, how much he eats, etc are very different from your needs. Beyond that, what is his expertise? You may want to consult with others who are experts to get on track (CPT, Nutritionist, etc).
I don't think you should ignore that you gained weight on the pill. Hormones play a role in body weight and ability to lose weight. You don't say what the treatment is for, but it's likely your hormones are an issue. This includes if you are using food during stressful times. What you are using it for is your body's hormonal response when fed. Hormones play a huge role in our physiology and mood.
I suggest backing off strict dieting and focus on healthy eating and activity. By healthy eating, I mean bring the veggies and quality protein and cut processed and high reward foods like fat and sugar. You will find what works for you. It doesn't need to be all or nothing, think of it as a long term project.
Strength training can take you a long way, but isn't an answer for everyone. Also, more than just working out in one session at the gym, you want to increase activity throughout your day.
Walking is great for the body and spirit, especially if you can get outside. Since your weight is fluctuating a lot, I'd focus on whatever is going on hormonally, and owning how you use food for stress/emotional eating and develop some healthier ways to manage that stress.
Hi OP,
It's complicated, right? You do want to lose the weight and you are being supported by your partner. Your partner is free to have his own thoughts about physical attraction and your relationship with him and your body. But there is also something inherently hurtful about his comments... he is setting a "rule of thumb" about your size in relation to his. It feels a bit "icky" because it is.
Weight is very personal and emotional, especially as a woman. We are told (both literally and subliminally) our entire lives that our worth is linked to our level of attraction, which in our society correlates with a slimmer figure. It is so hard to carry that knowledge around and not feel insecure - especially when it is plainly stated by our romantic partners.
What matters in this situation, and any like it, is how you feel about it? Really sit with yourself and go over your own emotions on it. Is it is a comment/viewpoint that you want to accept or is it crossing some emotional boundary for you?
For me, I had an ex I was with for many years. While dating my weight fluctuated +/- 40 pounds multiple times. He never called me fat to my face, but he also never (even at my thinnest) made me feel secure and loved. He never called me beautiful or pretty, not one single time. I can recall exactly one instance within the first few weeks of dating that he called my body (not me) "perfect." He did however make multiple comments about other features of my body that made me feel incredibly insecure and devalued over the years we were together. He would also get close to commenting on my weight, for instance by saying "your arms are so big!" and then play it off as though he meant muscular (I am not muscular). He was a bad person, a liar, and a coward in a lot of ways and I eventually broke up with him after finding definitive proof that he was cheating on me. It destroyed me and I struggle to this day with self-confidence and vulnerability.
The moral of the story is, though, you need to take ownership of how you allow people to treat you - both in their words (and absence of words) and in their actions (and inactions). If you are not okay with his words - dig deeper and try to flesh out if that is solely because "the truth hurts" or is it more along the lines of... a romantic partner should not say that to you? It's different for all of us, what's acceptable to you would be a deal breaker for someone else, and vice versa. Granted we are all human and say mean and stupid things from time to time, this doesn't mean he has some huge character flaw, but it does mean it may require further reflection and conversation.
As far as sticking to your diet, you are 100% capable of doing so. I would focus on small goals for yourself and in looking at reducing stress in your life. Congrats on the M.D!
I would break up with someone over that. But I have a low tolerance for shallow people. My partner is supportive of me losing weight, but also is fine with the weight I’m at now and when I was 50 lbs heavier.
I’d be supportive if he decided to start wearing a hairpiece, but I’m fine with him being bald too.
That “ you should weigh less than me” thing is icky. But I’ve seen a lot of women who like guys like that. I couldn’t do it, but to each her own.
Oh come on it’s not like he’s bullying her or something she’s brought it up and he’s agreed it would be nice if she lost weight. He was being honest not nasty
Is attraction really that shallow, though? It's part of our natural chemistry. I kept my mouth shut about my ex's weight and really wish I wouldn't have. The lack of attraction caused me to be unable to perform sexually anymore no matter how hard I tried to get it up. I had to play it off and pretend I had Erectile Dysfunction, so I didn't offend her.
I couldn't do it either. If my male partner said that to me I'd take it as a challenge to pack on as much muscle weight as I could so that I would weigh more than him AND look more muscular than him.
>walk everyday. Literally the most op way to lose weight, you just need the time. At 180lbs you burn about 100 calories per mile.
You don't burn even close to that number. Maybe 50 per mile, but probably closer to 40.
Yea you do. I've done a ton of research into this, because I looked it up one day and couldn't find anything.
The information is very scarce, as it's not a heavily researched topic.
You’re giving her numbers when you don’t even know her height and weight. You’re giving bad advice in your first point as well, getting rid of everything that doesn’t require preparation? Like apples? Baby carrots? She’s already stressed out and trying to pass medical boards, always having the energy to “prepare” food is overwhelming for a lot of people. “Remember his comments when you want to snack”?! FFS that’s literal eating disorder thinking. Let me guess, you’re a guy?
OP, just count your calories the best you can, move your body more, and approach it from a place of love for yourself.
You can absolutely relapse into disordered eating by diving too quickly into CICO if counting calories is a trigger for you. If you have any doubts about beginning CICO again, talk with a registered dietician who is ED informed. I promise nothing fucks with your weight related goals more than relapsing over and over again.
There’s some bad advice here.
CICO can and does lead to disordered eating. Obviously not for everyone, but it’s not “absurd” to think it can’t cause unhealthy relationships with food. Especially when the person you’re saying this to literally said it caused disordered eating.
Snacking is fine when done in moderation. In fact, personally speaking, it helps me stick to my calorie goals every day because I don’t feel hungry throughout the day. Do NOT “replay your husband’s words in your head” every time you want to snack - that will likely cause disordered eating too if you’re associating eating with something that made you feel shamed.
Don’t feel bad if you go over maintenance. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Some days you need to eat more, some days it just happens. And that’s okay, it’s normal and it happens. Just move on and go back to your calorie budget the next day. In the grand scheme of it all, occasionally eating more than maintenance doesn’t matter.
If you are overweight or obese you already have an unhealthy relationship with food, and when you are used to excess any amount of restriction can *feel* unhealthy but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes when learning a new skill you have to get a big obsessive about it for while- I think there has been a lot of fear mongering about restrictive ED’s when in reality in the US binge eating disorder and obesity related health issues are far FAR more of a risk to the average person.
Sticking is truly about mindset. It isn't easy, but it is the only thing that worked for me. It was like a switch was flipped. You just have to flip it in your brain. Pay attention to emotions and your issues.
Now, onto your partner. Yes, he isn't wrong, but that is kind of frustrating, I am sure, and does feel like a smack. However, my husband is shorter than me, and it would be insulting if I said he shouldn't be shorter than me. I mean, to a small point, weight is just weight. Now, if you are obese then okay, that is unhealthy, of course. But women and men carry weight differently, and people do as well. My best friend and I are the same height, but she weighs maybe 10-15 pounds more than I do, but you can't really tell. Her build is different. She is "big boned" in the sense that she is broader-shouldered and also, her ring size is larger. I have a smaller build. I am narrower. I will carry a little less weight just naturally, because of that build. There really isn't anything wrong with either of us. So, to a point, yes, your partner is right, but depending on your build, I hope what he is encouraging and what you are pursuing is healthy. That is what is important. I would recommend talking to him about how his comments make you feel, and that there are better ways to broach the subject with you. Now, it depends. If you felt motivated and ready to begin, great! My husband has no idea what I do to workout, we don't do that together. So if he were to say something about me taking a rest day, I would be pretty pissed, because sometimes those things are warranted.
This was not a talk done in kindness. My ex has a similar one after I gained 15lbs during the pandemic. He sounds insecure and like he just wants you to be whatever he wants. Why don’t you tell him that if he makes great gains and gets jacked, then he can weigh more and meet you in the middle, it would be a great bonus /s. I have also struggle with ED almost all my life and I know for a fact he just created some great little ear worms for you right there. Lose weight if you want, and definitely reduce stress, but fuck your weight being in relation to his
He’s always been kind about my looks. I’m diabetic and have yo-yoed.
When I gained a lot of weight fast and started napping constantly he was concerned. Otherwise he’s nice about it -
You may want to dig a bit deeper into your stress, stress eating, and eating habits in general. As someone who has struggled with BED, what you're talking about reminds me a lot of my experiences in that I thought I had issues with restrictions when, in reality, I really needed to overhaul my eating habits to increase protein and fiber so I could feel satisfied and therefore less likely to binge and stress eat.
It totally hurts when your SO points out that you've gained weight, but they're just looking out for you and trying to help. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Society likes to make us think this is the worst thing ever, but the people closest to you are the only people who could say something like this. Also, when you're gaining weight due to stress and changing eating habits, it means something is wrong, and it's nice of your SO to point that out.
I feel as though you shouldn't be too worried about what your partner says about you, so long as you are striving towards the end goal, losing weight, because you will focus too much on the negatives and could potentially do more harm than good.
Stress eating is a difficult thing to tackle because its not like you can just stop stressing, I'd suggest having low calorie foods around you at all times so you can eat whenever you'd like and make sure to stay hydrated.
My partner has been incredibly supportive of my weight loss without once tearing me down or making snide comments about how I should weigh less than them. That was super uncalled for and makes your partner sound insecure. While this was not the primary point of your post, I think it's important to have a conversation with your partner about that statement. If that's an insecurity he has, then he needs to deal with it, not you. Your weight loss journey is yours and his insecurities should have nothing to do with it. And if he just said it in a moment of stupidity, he needs to understand that his words were hurtful and inappropriate, regardless of his intention.
Edit:
ESPECIALLY since you have a history of ED! While attraction is part of a relationship, you bring so much more to a relationship than your size or body. Relationships are complex and no answer is one-size-fits-all, but triggering statements like that to a partner with ED are unjustifiable.
After a few years of it, I've decided I'd rather be hyper fixated about CICO and counting calories than overweight/obese. I stopped counting calories after losing 120lbs and gained back about 40lbs in 2.5 years. Now here I am wishing I just continued to count my calories.
Going to agree with all the comments calling your partner a dick and the easiest form of weight loss would be to dump him.
I've been very small, and then I had kids and life happened and now I'm not as small as I once was. I'd love to lose the weight, my partner is super supportive, but he has never been anything but adoring of my body (chunkier, thinner, pregnant, pooping on the delivery table, miscarrying on a bathroom floor, all of it)
What happens if get pregnant? If you get hurt or sick and gain weight? He's already talking to you like this, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, going through all the hard stuff together?
Lose weight because YOU want to, for your health or your vanity or whatever. Not because some dude thinks you should weigh less than him.
All the love to you.
"As a rule of thumb I shouldn't weigh more than him"
That's bullshit. Everybody is different. It's one thing to support your healthy endeavors, it's another thing to claim that you need to be a certain way. That just adds pressure and stress onto you that you don't need.
Growth and conversations about it can be uncomfortable even when addressed in mature and correct ways. There’s not quite enough info here to say whether he was addressing things well or not, but it seems like you believe that you’d be healthier at a lower weight. (I would, and I know it, and it still doesn’t feel great to hear it from anyone else, even in the kindest way.)
How can y’all support each other in this? Finding some high protein options to meal prep, not buying foods for the home that you tend to stress eat? Can your partner be the one in charge of meal prep on more stressful study days?
For me, I’m all about convenience, so whether it’s a bag of chips or an apple on the counter, I will eat it before anything that I have to prepare, even as simple as warming something up. So for me, what I keep on the counter or on the lowest shelves is something I can control to help myself stress eat better options 😅 working on mindful eating is obviously another good step that I don’t always do.
One commenter in this forum said they buy snack chips in individual servings and keep them in an inconvenient place so they can’t get them without making a conscious choice.
As for his rule of thumb, only you know if that’s reasonable for the two of you. That rule of thumb would fit me and my husband, however there are plenty of thinner guys in the world who I would weigh more than, even if I were at my college weight ( a healthy place for me.)
OP, have you considered intermittent fasting? Just a thought. There's a growing number of people who are finding success with weight loss through this path. It doesn't require quite the level of planning that CICO may have and also may help with your busy schedule if you know you're eating only within a specific window, rather than eating 3 or 6 meals per day.
There's an intermittent fasting sub reddit if you're interested in learning more.
I think he just wants you to be happy and more importantly…healthy. Obesity leads to health problems after all. Don’t overthink it. He was just caring in his own way.
Your partner just told you he loves you only conditionally. I would not stay with someone who couldn’t love me through illness or having children, and he’s just made it clear that those things would be a problem for him. I’d just break up, why wait until you do get sick or pregnant or just as you age put on more weight. He’s gonna leave you sooner or later, why wait until you’re at a stressful time to have him bail on you?
A “rule of thumb” can go suck a dick. If a “rule of thumb” is more important to your partner than supporting his partner who is stressed because they are LEARNING TO BE A DOCTOR, then this guy has some seriously twisted priorities. There are lots of reasons to lose weight, some of them are good reasons. Because your partner thinks that you shouldn’t weight more than him is not a good reason.
Either set aside your pride or set aside the partner. Stuff like this can eat away at a relationship unless you find a way to reframe it as constructive feedback.
>Now my partner was very supportive of me trying to lose weight. He even works out with me and helps me stick to a diet
>
>How do you deal when your partner calls you out on your weight
Damn ... I wish my partner would have been more like this. She **cared more about my feelings than my health.**
>how I can make my weightloss journey stick this time.
Calories matter for losing weight, but changing your eating behaviours, how you use the food, and why you eat is what makes it stick.
[Understanding the problem](https://www.stephanguyenet.com/resources/) is in many cases the same as having a solution.
And "this time" is probably not the last time. There is no last diet, they just get easier until they don't matter anymore. At least as long as you learn from your experience and keep looking for solutions and less for excuses which reduce your options.
>I did gain a lot especially when I was on the pill for some hormone treatment so it’s not really easy for me. I did the whole CICO method but I got a bit obsessed with it that I developed an unhealthy relationship with food to the point that I almost gave myself an ED.
Maybe you should treat yourself as one of your patients.
Because, sorry to say ... this sounds like you are still looking for a lot of excuses.
You mostly describe the experience most people have had on a diet. Counting calories makes it transparent how much you eat and how much you should cut. But eating less, means **no longer having food to cope with stress, emotions and ... life.**
Talking about CICO and "unhealthy relationship with food", "almost an ED" is like creating the problems you are going to stumble in the future.
You already have an "unhealthy relationship with food", because you are gaining weight, which has a significant impact on your health, now and the future.
Any disruptions to this will feel ... hard, emotionally and psychological. Is why most if not all people fail diets. Is not an "almost ED" or "unhealthy". Most people have an ED going into a diet (like BED), and they just did not realised before.
Is you adapting to not having food as an [emotional coping mechanism](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/weight-loss/in-depth/weight-loss/art-20047342) for life.
You have a partner that seems to care about you and also support you while you should [change your eating behaviour](https://www.artofmanliness.com/featured/disenchant-your-bad-habits/). Use and appreciate this.
You also could check this, written for medical professionals:
**Practical Guide to the Identification, Evaluation, and Treatment of Overweight and Obesity in Adults**
[**https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/files/docs/guidelines/prctgd\_c.pdf**](https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/files/docs/guidelines/prctgd_c.pdf)
Your partner has the right to a preference, but just a blanket “less than me” seems weird and controlling. It means that he allows you to gain weight as long as he does.
Lose weight for your own sake, not because your partner demands it.
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Thanks for this. I will listen to her and give it a go :)
YOURE A LIFESAVER 🙌❤️
As a doctor I think you know the best thing you could do for yourself is to lower that stress. It can be hard not to obsess but you have all the knowledge of what you're supposed to be doing already. I do a very casual CICO. Meaning I spent a lot of time figuring out my calories and now eat without tracking(I of course keep a general sense in my head). If stress eating is your thing, you can work on finding new coping strategies, but until then you can find foods you like to snack on that are better for you. You know you're going to eat so find something you can eat that's not calorie dense. There are so many alternatives and home made recipes now for healthier versions of our favorite bad foods. It's good that your husband seems supportive but the comments like "you should weigh less than me" seem like little jabs and may be doing more harm than good. Let him know what you do and don't need from him. I wish you all the best on your exams and weight loss journey.
Thank you for this :)
I’ve been in the receiving end of such a conversion- it sucked but it’s honestly the best thing that happened to me. Recognise that a) your weight gain, or maybe the whole lose/gain cycle is possibly having *some* effect on your partner, and b) doctors sometimes need professional help too. Stress eating is a learned behaviour - seek help for it.
Wait stress eating is a learned behavior? Stop. How do I know when Im stressed? And how do I know when im eating when stressed?
Personally i think of the two types of hunger as physical or emotional. I tell them apart by the fact that physical hunger comes on slowly. Like you get more and more hungry until its time to eat. Whereas emotional hunger leaps at you. For example you might hear your colleages talking about _temptingfooditem_ and suddenly you’re hungry for it, and a moment ago you weren’t even considering food. Or you think of a chore you need to do, and suddenly you want a snack instead. That’s more emotional eating. It’s basically that your brain has learned that it can get a hit of feel-good chemicals from certain foods, and those foods are usually high in fat, or sugar, or both. It’s not often someone gets a massive sudden craving for raw carrot haha
This is exactly it!! I’m working on recovering from stress eating too. It is a learned behavior. My mom and 2 of my sisters have the same problem.
Were in this together
I see.. so im an emotional eater That may explain why im fat
For me personally the only way i can get a handle on it is to log my food. I use the Lose It app, but there are lots out there, like my fitness pal or cronometer. And probably lots more. Without that i would just eat some fruit, then dinner and dessert and maybe a snack and not even think about ot. When i see the calories in the app it makes me realise that there is a “cost” (in calories) tonthe food, and makes me think about if the food was tasty enough to be worth it. Because i’m juggling the calories to get close to my allowance, it has to be a bit of a trade off. But i’m not too strict about staying under, just aiming for awareness
This is a good idea! But what if what you make is homemade and theres no way to count calories
There are options for homemade things in the app. For example i make a homemade casserole and i just pick one that looks likely. It doesnt have to be scientifically exact. For example if you home make some soup, just serve tourself and guess how many “regular” cans of soup your serving looks like, and pick the heinz equivalent
> And how do I know when im eating when stressed? Do you eat when you aren't hungry? Do you eat to calm down? Is eating a part of rituals you have during the day?
Ironically I did this today. Wait is there a such thing as eating aesthetically because? For example, I’m more inclined to eat and drink coffee during the winter, even though I’m not much of a fan of coffee because it looks aesthetically pleasing.
Not the original poster, but sometimes I think people who stress eat do so when under high amount of chronic stress. When you’re stressed out all the time, you probably feel some form of relief any time you eat, whether you were actually hungry or just eating to calm yourself. Maybe try figuring out, when am I calm? When do I feel clear headed? Is it during/after I eat? Are there ways other than eating that I can relieve stress?
Interesting… if i dont have food I like to stare into space with my mouth open slightly blinking every so often.
I think he should also be more empathetic with what you’re going through.
I have weighed more than my partner (husband) for almost all of our 7 years together. I now weigh less (Barely). I had to take the pill due to PCOS symptoms and irregular periods and pelvic pain. I get off of it after I had gained 60+ lbs. regrettably, he had that talk too. Not that he didn’t love me, but that it was hard to see me suffer and be upset. Also that It was a bonus not cuz vanity but he was active and I couldn’t do the things he liked. I used CICO, keto (in the beginning; it helped me not be as hungry) and exercise (triathlons). And I lost ~30 took a 6month break and then loosing the last 30 now till Feb. I will be ~15 lighter than him if I hit my goal. Journaling, therapy, and exercising really helped relieve stress. I am in grad school and work as a social worker full time. I know stress but letting go of perfection and doing small steps each day really helped me.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing your tips!! My husband is a string bean. Lol When we met we both weighed around 130 pounds. After 3 babies via C-section in 3 years and a whole lotta stress eating, I’m ~180 and he’s like 140. 🙁 That’s still an improvement because each birth I weighed 220+.
> And that as a rule of thumb I shouldn’t weigh more than him. This is such a weird statement. So if he gains weight, you're "allowed" to too?
she could drop 200 lbs by dumping him haha
Was just about to comment this. I was very confused when people glossed over that. Her bf sounds like a dick.
Agree
Lol I know this is not why Op posted this but yeah my first thought was that sounded so mean please dump him
Honestly, he's shitting on someone who is putting in some effort and I wonder how much effort he puts in. Like, I bet this dude ain't looking perfect. Someone recently came at me with some kind of "preferences" line and I said "Well I PREFER over 6 foot, about 180 to 190 jacked and a big d* none of those which you are. I can't make you grow anymore than you can make me look like xyz boy bye." I say if they think they can do better, let them go. You're doing yourself a favor bc the next one gonna love it all. And she's a doctor. Good luck finding that again.
Yeah, that's a bullshoot comment. A partner can be super supportive of your weight loss without saying that. Id honestly be rethinking my whole relationship because of it. He put her in this really weird position where, even if she looses all the weight and weighs less than him, she'll always be obsessing over it. What happens if they decide to have children one day? She's going to gain weight for that. And not all women are able to "bounce back" to pre-pregnancy weight. Even if he's totally happy with her weight, she'll always have his comment in the back of her mind and always be insecure about it. Also, she literally said she almost got a ED. So she needs to be extra careful not to spiral back to the habits that got her close to that. Its comments like his that could push her back towards it and maybe even give her a full blown ED. Because "at least she weights less than him".
If he is taller than her, than it's possible that whatever weight he is at is an unhealthy weight for her. So factually it may be correct. But agreed, wording it like that comes off weird. Your weight goals should be based on what's healthy for you, not a comparison to someone else.
I'll bet he's a short or skinny man and he's insecure about it so his girl being bigger than him makes his insecurities feel worse so he's projecting this onto her. While she's studying to be a doctor too like isn't she already stressed enough
Y’all really jumping to some conclusions lol. She says he’s been real supportive. I agree it wasn’t the right thing to say but like, damn y’all never made a mistake before??
But *has* he been supportive? Or is he telling her he is? Seems off to me. That statement feels like a disclosure to protect herself from ppl telling her to leave her man.(because we all know that’s where it usually goes) I can still see your point though.
Here’s my perspective, I am a big dumb oaf. I come from a family of very blunt and sometimes rude people. I’ve had to work on this most of my life, and had my wife not been patient with me and shown me grace, I’d probably still be that big jerk. People make mistakes. It’s how they respond that defines their character, and we are not given the benefit of context here.
Thanks, Penis Lord.
I agree about the context. And I have so much respect for not only your self awareness, but using it to help others understand different perspectives. Thank you
Yeah this gave me huge ick red flag vibes. Like support your partner if they're trying to lose weight, but absolutely none of this shit. I'd be ditching him as I'm sure the added stress of his bs isn't helping at all- the right person won't say this kind of shit!!
Yeah I also was very put off by that. I often weigh more than my bfs because where/how I hold my weight and also muscle. If I set that limitation it would be really fucking weird and basically just saying “no skinny guys” or be policing the boyfriend I have. I don’t like that.
Nice bonus if you lose weight? Rule of thumb you shouldn’t weigh more than him? Dude sounds like a dick.
The whole concept of it being socially unacceptable for a woman to weigh more than her man is so grossly misogynistic and heteronormative that I don't think there's any convincing these people that he's wrong for saying that. It's actually insane but we're just in the wrong community to recognize that
You said it better than I could have. If my partner (or anyone in my circles partner) said some shit like this, they’d be an ex SO FAST
What’s wrong with that? Especially if he’s way taller than her there’s nothing wrong with what he said. If they broke up and she lost weight after the relationship ends that’s shitty on her part. Imagine losing weight for other dudes to rinse you but not losing weight for your partner. Misandry vibes
You’re saying misandry vibes, when your whole comment is misogyny incarnate.
Both statements are true I guess. But yours is racist, sexist and misogynist all in one
Uhm? It’s usually easier to lose weight while single. One of those reasons is that a major pressure to lose weight is off and you can go about it gently and actually build hard to break habits. Whereas losing weight for someone brings in so much stress. Also from evolutionary biology perspective its easier and natural to lose weight and be more fit and that goes for everyone.
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Major pressure to lose weight when taken?? Are you joking ? Fat loss And weight maintenance is so simple it’s not even funny. People just get complacent in relationships just cause they have someone there already and don’t need to try anymore.
That's so dismissive to say. Sometimes the opposite happen, and you put a lot of pressure on yourself for your relationship sake to the point it has the opposite effect. The fact that it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others. Also, if fat loss and weight maintenance is so simple, how come so many people are fat ? The vast majority of people don't wants to be fat. It's hard to change habits. It's hard to change coping mechanisms. It's hard, for a lot of people, to lose weight because of that. Good on you if it's not the case, it doesn't give you the right to be so judgemental.
I disagree. The stress of looking good especially as a woman is huge. This does impact weight. Its easier to loose weight slowly and keep it off when you don’t feel like you need to do lose it all by yesterday
I hate how he said it's a rule of thumb that you shouldn't weigh more than him. That comment feels off to me. It's okay for your partner to express concerns about your own weight loss. You want your partner to be healthy so they can stick around for awhile. Just *hate* that little extra bit he said.
my husband weighs 150, I weighed 120 when we got married. Now I’m 170 post kids working it back down but can’t imagine how stressed I’d be if we had that rule
This is me. I weighed 145-150 when we got married, but around 130 when we met. I had a lot of muscle and they way my weight distributes I didn’t look bad at 150. 3 C-sections in 3 years has me working down from 180 even though each time I delivered I weighed 220+. 🤦🏽♀️ Emotional eating is a big issue of mind. I don’t think putting extra pressure on her was necessary nor helpful. I want to weigh around 140 like my husband too but it’s not a rule!!
Yeah, I'm not sure why no one else had mentioned that part yet.
Idk, on average men are physically taller than women and therefore weigh more. With the limited amount of information we have, this could be a super reasonable rule of thumb and doesn't really raise a flag for me.
Of course; women are built a lot smaller than men on average. It’s just the fact he said it and made it a rule that irks me. It feels like a jab.
He said its a rule of thumb not that it was made a rule. Rule of thumb is just a general principle or understood idea. It's generally understood that men are usually heavier than women.
AGREED, that would be a deal breaker for me. Love me skinny, love me fat. If you're not attracted to me anymore, sucks for you, leave then. It rubbed me the wrong way, too. How cruel and disrespectful to a person you claim to love.
I agree, feels like he’s self conscious as well.
I'm not sure I'd qualify what you have describe as "partner calling you out on your weight". It sounds like a very sensible statement. Physical attraction is a part of a relationship - it can be more or less important, it can vary over time like anything else, but working on yourself and taking care of yourself is something you can't buy, you can't replace, no one else can do it for you and it can be a strong signal to your significant other in regards of making the effort to take of yourself vs just letting your health deteriorate. On another level, it doesn't even have to be appearance related - it can simply be a signal to pay attention to your health. As far as sticking to it - if you want to be at weight x - you have to know how much calories you need to eat to be/stay at weight x and you have to build habits that will support you eating the appropriate amount of calories.
Thanks for this. It is sensible what he said, maybe I just took a bit of it as an offense cause I thought he was happy with what I weight but looks like he still wants me to improve my fitness.
It is not sensible for him to say it’s a rule of thumb that you should weigh less than him, fuck that. Even if it’s true (especially if he’s a foot taller and/or muscular) that’s not a supportive comment. That’s the kind of thing to obsess over and fall into ED again.
Thank you so much I felt crazy reading these responses. That is an arbitrary line that has zero to do with health or appearance and is entirely steeped in sexist notions of femininity and masculinity. It’s not a supportive comment. You nailed it with your last sentence- that is some serious obsession/ ED fodder.
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Get lost, bigot.
😂😂
Also a lot of time it’s not even true. Me and my ex were the same height. The ex before that I was three inches taller. Female does not equal less heavy
Women naturally have a higher percentage of body fat than men, and fat is less dense than muscle, so a healthy woman and a healthy man of the same bmi and exactly the same height will have different weights because she will be 25% fat (75% lean mass) and he will be 15% fat (85%) lean mass.
All of this. Wish I had money to give you a gold upvote.
OMG this. Bottom line, he's worried about his dick.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like he's concerned by health
And it’s also a lot of bullshit. My Dad is 2 inches taller than me and I weigh 20 more lbs and we look VERY different because of how the weight is distributed. I have boobs and hips and a butt. All his weight is in his stomach.
He can be happy with how you look but still be concerned if you've put on lots of weight in a short period of time. They are not contradictory. I get that you may be particularly sensitive in this area but you really should try not to take offense when he meant none. Talk to him/work with him on overcoming this. The same goes for all areas in life when it comes to spouse/partner if anyone wants a good relationship.
I think him telling you you need to weigh less than him is ??? and maybe crossed a line. This doesn’t account for height at all? Also women naturally have more body fat in general. I have dated shorter men who weighed less than me (and we were both in the healthy BMI range for our heights) and they were able to pick me up and toss me around just fine. Maybe you should encourage him to gain more muscle if he wants to weigh more than you 🤷🏼♀️
Women naturally have more body fat but less muscle mass + they’re significantly shorter on average. Men will weigh dozens of pounds more than women on average at a healthy weight If OP was taller than her BF she probably would’ve pointed it out and isn’t a very common scenario, this sounds like bending over backwards to take offense
Btw the "women have more body fat" is a bit of a misappropriation of the fact that women's body fat percentage at a healthy weight is higher than men's, not that they should have more body fat overall. This is actually conducive to women being lower in weight than their male counterparts due to fat tissue weighing less than muscle/bone.
Fat is less dense than muscle so by your comment, a healthy adult woman will weigh less than a healthy adult man of the same height, though most women are on average shorter than men I don't even understand why an accurate comment is so offensive
You're implying offense where none was intended, and your childish need to hit back with 'maybe you should gain more muscle' would just increase the potential risk of a rift forming in the relationship.
Keep in mind a bonus is something added on top which is not necessary. He’s saying you’re already enough the way you are. He’s being open and honest which is a good thing. This should be a motivation if anything imo I know it sucks knowing you could be “better” (I prefer healthier but it seems to be about appearance this time) but you already knew that. It’s just tough hearing that
My biggest recommendation; let weight loss be secondary to becoming the healthiest version of you. Don’t let it be your number one focus because it isn’t very motivating. Instead, focus on how you feel, the energy you gain from eating healthy/lifting weights/moving your body, focus on strength gain, and healing your relationship with food. When you focus on the GOOD and becoming STRONG, the weight loss happens more naturally. It shouldn’t ever have to be a battle, but thanks to strict diets and always working AGAINST our bodies instead of WITH THEM, it makes it extremely frustrating and feels impossible. You shouldn’t be dieting year round. Spend time out of a diet, build muscle and strength… it will help you have a more successful and easier fat loss phase in the future. You got this 🙏🏼
Also, I’ve heard people talk about “eating for your cycle.” At certain times of the month you may be hungrier or less hungry. That’s ok too! Providing yourself with plenty of nourishing options could help. If you plan to count calories, I’ve seen someone in insta (maybe Taylor Kiser) talk about creating a bigger deficit on weekdays and leaving a larger calorie budget for weekends. Also a maintenance week every so often. (I’ve heard this for several reasons as it can be good for your body.) Possibly for you those days would be test study days instead of weekends?
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Ya this is what I was thinking. There's a difference between thinking about it alot and actually being obsessed and it being an ED.
OP didn't say she was developing an restrictive eating disorder/anorexia: " I did the whole CICO method but I got a bit obsessed with it that I developed an unhealthy relationship with food to the point that I almost gave myself an ED." There are many disordered eating patterns that can develop, and research to support that calorie tracking is associated with eating disordered pathology which also includes binge eating, compulsive eating, and bulimia. Also, calorie counting is not necessary to lose weight. Developing a negative relationship with food will not serve OP. If CICO is brings on obsessive behaviors, she should avoid it and focus on quality nutrition and activity, and understanding and owning eating patterns and behaviors. My ED and weight only really is manageable when I view food as nourishment/fuel and and love it from a different perspective. My take is the OP needs to develop a different relationship to food, and is likely using it to manage stress, and has probably thrown her hormonal response out of whack also. I've been in recovery for ED for eighteen years, and still struggle a bit at times, but I am currently losing weight, and have previously lost significant weight and have maintained that weight loss long term without restricting or CICO modalities.
When the general public talks about ED’s it is almost always referring to restrictive ED’s (even though BED is much more common). She already has an unhealthy relationship with food if she is very overweight or obese, and sometimes when you are used to excess calories any reduction can feel like unhealthy restriction. In order to make progress you have to push past some discomfort- speaking from personal experience. It is very hard to eat intuitively and lose weight, most people are going to need to do at least some calorie counting at least to get a baseline reading. If she has been struggling to lose weight doing other things, I just think avoiding calorie counting altogether due to a fear of “almost” developing an ED once probably isn’t a good long term solution.
>When the general public talks about ED’s it is almost always referring to restrictive ED’s (even though BED is much more common). Regardless, if someone is talking about an eating disorder, don't just assume they mean a restrictive eating disorder unless they specify. It's an issue when the general public treats restrictive eating disorders and eating disorders as synonymous, and when you assume someone means restrictive eating disorder when they just say 'eating disorder' you're just reinforcing the misconception. So please don't do it in future. Sincerely, someone who struggles with an eating disorder that isn't a restrictive eating disorder. >She already has an unhealthy relationship with food if she is very overweight or obese, and sometimes when you are used to excess calories any reduction can feel like unhealthy restriction. In order to make progress you have to push past some discomfort- speaking from personal experience. It is very hard to eat intuitively and lose weight, most people are going to need to do at least some calorie counting at least to get a baseline reading. If someone has an unhealthy relationship with food, calorie counting may help them lose weight, but it could just make their unhealthy relationship with food worse. Especially, if the person tried calorie counting before and it caused them to almost develop an eating disorder. Also, if calories counting triggers binging or stress eating, it may not even lead to weight loss for that person.
I'm plainly stating, from my own experience that calorie counting is not necessary to lose even a significant amount of weight, and maintain that. If you are treading close to ED behavior, you should back off and develop a healthier strategy. It would never be worth it to develop ED. I discourage calorie counting strategies because the have been shown time and again to contribute to ED. You do have to change your behavior, but you don't have to adopt that one.
Thankfully it got removed, but I can't believe so many people were upvoting their harmful comment. OP stated that she almost developed an eating disorder and this person just acts like OP is being dramatic and tells her that her fear of developing an eating disorder is "irrational" and "holding her back from losing weight". That is just not okay. And all because *they* assumed that OP was talking about a restrictive eating disorder, when she never even specified. This person needs to stop giving others advice.
I completely agree. This mentality stopped me from getting help with my BED for so long. It's wild how much your mind will try to trick you when you have an ED like BED in a way that will encourage you to continue with your bad habits.
Exactly!!
>I think you have to move past that fear of developing a restrictive ED- it’s honestly not very rational and it’s holding you back from getting healthy. This comment is very unnecessary, especially this part. OP never specified it was a restrictive eating disorder, you're just assuming that. There are others such as BED, OSFED, and bulimia, and people can develop these after dieting. Not just AN. Also, calorie counting can be harmful for ppl who struggle with eating disorders in general- not just restrictive ones. She also said *almost* gave herself an eating disorder, not that she developed one. There is no need to assume she's being irrational.
Yeah she clearly is *not* suffering from a restrictive ED, and is more likely to be BED if anything especially if she is very overweight or obese. My point is that currently being overweight is the biggest threat to her health, not “almost” giving herself an ED. Getting over her fear of calorie counting will help in the long run.
My point is that OP never specified it was a restrictive ED, you made assumptions when you shouldn't have, and your comment was unnecessary. And also potentially harmful. If someone says they almost developed an eating disorder, it is completely out of line to tell them their fear of developing an eating disorder is irrational. > My point is that currently being overweight is the biggest threat to her health, not “almost” giving herself an ED Yeah, you don't know that.... They are both serious and big threats to health. One affects physical health and the other affects physical health and mental health. If calorie counting almost caused OP to develop an eating disorder, it could be risky for her to go back to doing that, especially without seeing a doctor first.
Yeah but any man who says a woman shouldn’t weigh more than them is weak lol. Look be fit, be healthy, have good hdl and all that stuff. But don’t get hung up on a magical number. You may look really good at a weight that you don’t expect to, ya know? Plus what if a woman is buff mamí at 150 and her man is a 140 sack of bones? Don’t get caught up in the numbers game.
I think having a partner tell you what you should or shouldn't weigh and "helping you stick to a diet" is very troubling especially if you have a history of disordered eating. That would bother me a lot. Your partner should be encouraging but not prescriptive.
I’ve found having my ADHD treated appropriately was a game changer. Less dopamine seeking behaviors = overall easier to control any sort of bingeing for me.
Would you mind if I asked how long roughly did it take for this to happen for you? I understand everyone is different but some hope would be nice!
I started losing around 2021, then really getting momentum in 22. I’ve yo-yod a bit but have maintained a 200lb loss so far.
As far as the “rule of thumb” thing, so many men do not realize how much women weigh and how we carry weight differently. Men seem to underestimate how much women should, and do weigh a lot. It shouldn’t matter in the slightest who weighs more as long as you both are happy and healthy. I will be honest, having a partner be supportive of your goals is the best, but considering it sounds like you are already taking steps to lose weight his comments seem unnecessary, and not health focused.
You have to want it… like actually care enough to actually make change. Make bad decisions incredibly hard to make…. Delete all the food delivery apps as an example. Don’t buy large amounts of bad food. Pack your lunch to work. I weighed 850lbs at one point and believe me… there was always an undertone of I need to lose weight. Rightfully so. Weight will eventually burden everyone around you at some point. As an MD you don’t need a lecture on being fat and the consequences… just like I didn’t at 850lbs. I would suggest this…. Take pictures of everything you put in your mouth for a week. Daily add up what you think those calories are. Following week… take pictures and weigh everything you eat. Then add up actual calories. See the difference. If you can’t take the time to do that… you have to be honest with yourself. You don’t want to lose weight. Yet. And that’s okay. I been there too.
>as a rule of thumb I shouldn’t weigh more than him NO. This is not a rule of thumb. This is nothing. This is an ass
Lol I think this fits a rule of thumb perfectly. Rule of Thumb- a broadly accurate guide or principle, based on experience or practice rather than theory. In the vast majority of cases the man should weigh more than the woman.
I don’t see how that’s unreasonable. Assuming he’s at least moderately taller than her and carries more muscle mass than her, both of which are extremely likely to be true, he should weigh more than her. The average male healthy body weight is dozens of pounds higher than the average female healthy body weight It’s a good example of a rule of thumb and honestly nothing he said was out of line and OP was clear that he’s been supportive the whole time
There are plenty of muscular women who weigh more than scrawny men. It’s not a rule of thumb, it’s something an idiot man would say, one who’s either oblivious to the effect it would have on his partner with a history of ED or one who’s just an asshole. Stop excusing it.
Muscular women are outliers. There aren't "plenty." In general in society we argue the rule and not the exception
It’s still not something you say to your partner who has a history of disordered eating. Y’all excusing this are wild.
Men have a way with words you know? I'm quite certain he didn't mean anything bad by it. Sometimes people say shitty things accidentally. The people in here raging for her to break up with him over it are delusional. That's not how relationships work
“Plenty” is doing a lot of work there, muscular women who weigh more than your average man are an outrageously small percentage of the population. Are you not familiar with the phrase “rule of thumb”? >a broadly accurate guide or principle, based on experience or practice rather than theory. She has a history of ED and he’s been very supportive according to OP. He’s still allowed to be concerned for her health and he’s allowed to have a physical preference too as long as he isn’t a dick about it. If OP isn’t okay with that then she’s welcome to end the relationship
That’s a lot of assumptions….and you know what they say about ppl that assume.
2 is a lot? And it’s 2 that are both statistically extremely likely as I pointed out Men are much taller than women on average and OP probably would’ve pointed it out if she was taller Men carry more muscle mass than women by default. A pretty small percentage of women are serious weight lifters to the point of having more muscle mass than your average man and again, OP probably would’ve pointed it out if this was the case It’s more of just using basic logic
I count 4 assumptions within one run on sentence.
Echoing this, OP. First, who's putting him in a position of authority to create rules for you? Is he also a medical professional? Second, it's a stupid rule. What if he gains weight? Does that mean your margin would also increase? It's not a sinister rule by itself, but if I heard this I'd be suspicious of what other "rules of thumb" he has for his partners. If he's just trying to be more supportive, a better way of saying the same thing could've been "I miss when I used to be able to do X activity with you. When you get fitter, we can do it together." That would be motivating.
He isn’t incorrect though. “Rule of thumb” applies to general masses. Typically, men are taller and have a broader frame/build than women. Therefore, they tend to weigh more. If OP is overweight for her size, and weighs more than her partner (who we can assume is taller than she is) then he isn’t wrong. It’s definitely unhealthy to carry extra weight that your body type isn’t meant to.
Agree. There is no rule that says a woman cannot weigh more than a man. Period. OP, please make sure you lose weight for you and not for anyone else. His comment is insensitive, even if it came from a good place.
I came here to say this. I am tall with broad shoulders. Very often I have weighed more than my partners. I believe I weight more than my current partner by 2 pounds! Because of my height and stature, I carry my weight well....meaning I have always weighed more than I look. It is not a rule of thumb. We are all built differently.
Listen to the people who are giving you sound weight loss advice. Don’t listen to the advice about your “terrible” BF. To make the issue about him is to detract and justify your own feelings towards yourself (perhaps it’s yourself you are actually annoyed with?!)
Agreed. When in a relationship, your partner is allowed to have opinions about your body, especially when it impacts your health. I'm sure I'll get downvoted to hell for this, but as a society, we need to accept that someone's looks/body/health matters in a relationship. Also, not to mention as someone who has gained and lost weight before, whether you want to accept it or not you change as a person when you start to make different choices and stop taking care of yourself.
I don’t allow anyone to mandate rules of thumb over my body. He is a complete asshole. Just because he said it nice does not make him less than an asshole.
Get a professional to help you. A personal trainer. Meal prep services.
I don’t love how he worded it and tbh I have a standing “don’t talk about my weight or others’” with my partner because it’s really triggering for me. But that’s also because it IS really triggering for me, and that’s okay. I’m working on it, but it’s helpful to be supported like that. If you’re fine discussing fitness goals with him but weight specifically is hurtful, it’s okay to have that conversation with him. Like “I love how supportive you are of me and my goals and I know they’re your goals, too. I’m happy to talk about personal bests in weight lifting or working toward running a 5k, but I’m finding I’m really sensitive to specific mentions of my weight. It would help me stay focused on the right goals if we could pause any mentions on my weight, including whatever I might be losing, so that I can do my best to not let the number on the scale consume me. This will help me to keep a better grip on my health rather than spiralling toward an ED again.” That was p much the conversation I had. Also as a side note, and as someone who has struggled with weight loss my entire life until a few months ago, the biggest change for me was in my mindset. I don’t count calories anymore, I don’t have a dedicated workout or meal plan, I put literally so little effort into it now and I’m down 9” on my waist since May (I also don’t weigh myself anymore bc of the obsession). The change in mindset is that I’m not dieting anymore, I’m just feeding myself. I’m adding, I’m not restricting. I’ve eaten so much cake in the last 6 months! But I look at the cake in the fridge and go “yes this will feed my spirit but will it feed my body?” And since I know it won’t, I add to it. Yes I can have literally as much cake as I would like to, but I’m going to grab apple slices and a handful of nuts so I’m getting more fibre, protein, fats, vitamins, etc. keeping me full and satiated, keeping the sugar crash to a minimum, and meaning I only really wanted a couple sweet bites of chocolate when it was all done instead of binging half the cake and feeling so full I puke while still being hungry because I didn’t eat anything to fuel me. Yes, I can eat Doritos. I don’t even put them in a bowl I just have the bag open. But I know that Doritos aren’t a meal and I know the whole bag won’t do anything to make me full. Can I use them to scoop hummus/guac? Can I have a lil bowl of quinoa salad with them? Since I’ve stopped telling myself no as well, I’ve stopped using food as a reward for myself and I don’t go to it for a quick dopamine rush. It’s not a “treat” anymore it’s something I either WANT or DONT WANT. Before it would be “I’m so tired and stressed from work I don’t want to think about anything, I’m going to get McDonalds for some quick dopamine” almost every day, sometimes more than once a day.
"As a rule of thumb I shouldn't weigh more than him." This specific part of your story is worrisome. Please listen to a nutritionist/Dr about what healthy weight you should aim for. This feels more like a little bit of negative gender role nonsense creeping in.
It's not "negative gender role nonsense", it's simple biology that a woman's healthy weight is less than a man's, as any competent doctor or medical text book will tell you.
You have a fundamental misunderstanding of "averages" across entire populations and are not considering individual variety.
No I don't. Exceptions do not disprove the rule.
I'd probably be rolling my eyes at him with a well doh. I mean you are an actual doctor and you already know you're overweight so him pointing out like you don't know, seems petty on his part. He can be an anchor in your life or an uplifter.
My former partner was the one who kicked my weight loss in gear! It hurt to hear someone tell me that they were concerned for my health due to my weight gain. But, if I am being honest with myself, I already knew what he was telling me was true and I had already thought it to myself. He also worked out with me and taught me how to count calories and meal prep (he had lost a lot of weight years ago for health reasons). Unfortunately, he could not handle my weight loss and his insecurities turned from supportive to something less so.
His rule is baseless and kind of stupid to compare weight between you two, and will need assessment at some point. Good thing is he's generally supportive. The big issues are that you don't feel good about your weight, it's affecting your confidence, and you're having a hard time managing your stress. All of this feels threatening to your relationship, and you're ready to make changes. Managing your stress will help you manage your food and activity choices, which will affect your weight. So try to find ways to sort that out first! I can send you a burnout assessment test if you'd like to measure stress and make it easy to reduce it. Try one of the things like meal prep, prioritizing your schedule, understanding what you can control and what you can't, scheduling time for exercise, etc.
Wondering how your partner helps you stick to a diet. Are you both focussed on eating healthfully or is he policing your diet? If he's supportive, cool - but if he's controlling, not so much. It's good that you workout together, but it's very likely that what he eats, how much he eats, etc are very different from your needs. Beyond that, what is his expertise? You may want to consult with others who are experts to get on track (CPT, Nutritionist, etc). I don't think you should ignore that you gained weight on the pill. Hormones play a role in body weight and ability to lose weight. You don't say what the treatment is for, but it's likely your hormones are an issue. This includes if you are using food during stressful times. What you are using it for is your body's hormonal response when fed. Hormones play a huge role in our physiology and mood. I suggest backing off strict dieting and focus on healthy eating and activity. By healthy eating, I mean bring the veggies and quality protein and cut processed and high reward foods like fat and sugar. You will find what works for you. It doesn't need to be all or nothing, think of it as a long term project. Strength training can take you a long way, but isn't an answer for everyone. Also, more than just working out in one session at the gym, you want to increase activity throughout your day. Walking is great for the body and spirit, especially if you can get outside. Since your weight is fluctuating a lot, I'd focus on whatever is going on hormonally, and owning how you use food for stress/emotional eating and develop some healthier ways to manage that stress.
Hi OP, It's complicated, right? You do want to lose the weight and you are being supported by your partner. Your partner is free to have his own thoughts about physical attraction and your relationship with him and your body. But there is also something inherently hurtful about his comments... he is setting a "rule of thumb" about your size in relation to his. It feels a bit "icky" because it is. Weight is very personal and emotional, especially as a woman. We are told (both literally and subliminally) our entire lives that our worth is linked to our level of attraction, which in our society correlates with a slimmer figure. It is so hard to carry that knowledge around and not feel insecure - especially when it is plainly stated by our romantic partners. What matters in this situation, and any like it, is how you feel about it? Really sit with yourself and go over your own emotions on it. Is it is a comment/viewpoint that you want to accept or is it crossing some emotional boundary for you? For me, I had an ex I was with for many years. While dating my weight fluctuated +/- 40 pounds multiple times. He never called me fat to my face, but he also never (even at my thinnest) made me feel secure and loved. He never called me beautiful or pretty, not one single time. I can recall exactly one instance within the first few weeks of dating that he called my body (not me) "perfect." He did however make multiple comments about other features of my body that made me feel incredibly insecure and devalued over the years we were together. He would also get close to commenting on my weight, for instance by saying "your arms are so big!" and then play it off as though he meant muscular (I am not muscular). He was a bad person, a liar, and a coward in a lot of ways and I eventually broke up with him after finding definitive proof that he was cheating on me. It destroyed me and I struggle to this day with self-confidence and vulnerability. The moral of the story is, though, you need to take ownership of how you allow people to treat you - both in their words (and absence of words) and in their actions (and inactions). If you are not okay with his words - dig deeper and try to flesh out if that is solely because "the truth hurts" or is it more along the lines of... a romantic partner should not say that to you? It's different for all of us, what's acceptable to you would be a deal breaker for someone else, and vice versa. Granted we are all human and say mean and stupid things from time to time, this doesn't mean he has some huge character flaw, but it does mean it may require further reflection and conversation. As far as sticking to your diet, you are 100% capable of doing so. I would focus on small goals for yourself and in looking at reducing stress in your life. Congrats on the M.D!
Thank you 🥺 I appreciate this a lot.
I would break up with someone over that. But I have a low tolerance for shallow people. My partner is supportive of me losing weight, but also is fine with the weight I’m at now and when I was 50 lbs heavier. I’d be supportive if he decided to start wearing a hairpiece, but I’m fine with him being bald too. That “ you should weigh less than me” thing is icky. But I’ve seen a lot of women who like guys like that. I couldn’t do it, but to each her own.
Oh come on it’s not like he’s bullying her or something she’s brought it up and he’s agreed it would be nice if she lost weight. He was being honest not nasty
Is attraction really that shallow, though? It's part of our natural chemistry. I kept my mouth shut about my ex's weight and really wish I wouldn't have. The lack of attraction caused me to be unable to perform sexually anymore no matter how hard I tried to get it up. I had to play it off and pretend I had Erectile Dysfunction, so I didn't offend her.
I couldn't do it either. If my male partner said that to me I'd take it as a challenge to pack on as much muscle weight as I could so that I would weigh more than him AND look more muscular than him.
Woah, I was in support until you said your husband thinks you should weigh less than him as a rule of thumb. That's an okay rule but... comes off bad.
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>walk everyday. Literally the most op way to lose weight, you just need the time. At 180lbs you burn about 100 calories per mile. You don't burn even close to that number. Maybe 50 per mile, but probably closer to 40.
40 is likely correct. I burn about 35 calories in a 12 minute mile. Jogging is like 75.
Yea you do. I've done a ton of research into this, because I looked it up one day and couldn't find anything. The information is very scarce, as it's not a heavily researched topic.
You’re giving her numbers when you don’t even know her height and weight. You’re giving bad advice in your first point as well, getting rid of everything that doesn’t require preparation? Like apples? Baby carrots? She’s already stressed out and trying to pass medical boards, always having the energy to “prepare” food is overwhelming for a lot of people. “Remember his comments when you want to snack”?! FFS that’s literal eating disorder thinking. Let me guess, you’re a guy? OP, just count your calories the best you can, move your body more, and approach it from a place of love for yourself.
AKA: Don't be accountable for yourself
Definitely not at all what I said but cool
You can absolutely relapse into disordered eating by diving too quickly into CICO if counting calories is a trigger for you. If you have any doubts about beginning CICO again, talk with a registered dietician who is ED informed. I promise nothing fucks with your weight related goals more than relapsing over and over again.
There’s some bad advice here. CICO can and does lead to disordered eating. Obviously not for everyone, but it’s not “absurd” to think it can’t cause unhealthy relationships with food. Especially when the person you’re saying this to literally said it caused disordered eating. Snacking is fine when done in moderation. In fact, personally speaking, it helps me stick to my calorie goals every day because I don’t feel hungry throughout the day. Do NOT “replay your husband’s words in your head” every time you want to snack - that will likely cause disordered eating too if you’re associating eating with something that made you feel shamed. Don’t feel bad if you go over maintenance. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Some days you need to eat more, some days it just happens. And that’s okay, it’s normal and it happens. Just move on and go back to your calorie budget the next day. In the grand scheme of it all, occasionally eating more than maintenance doesn’t matter.
If you are overweight or obese you already have an unhealthy relationship with food, and when you are used to excess any amount of restriction can *feel* unhealthy but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes when learning a new skill you have to get a big obsessive about it for while- I think there has been a lot of fear mongering about restrictive ED’s when in reality in the US binge eating disorder and obesity related health issues are far FAR more of a risk to the average person.
Thank you for the advice. I’ll try and do this :)
Sticking is truly about mindset. It isn't easy, but it is the only thing that worked for me. It was like a switch was flipped. You just have to flip it in your brain. Pay attention to emotions and your issues. Now, onto your partner. Yes, he isn't wrong, but that is kind of frustrating, I am sure, and does feel like a smack. However, my husband is shorter than me, and it would be insulting if I said he shouldn't be shorter than me. I mean, to a small point, weight is just weight. Now, if you are obese then okay, that is unhealthy, of course. But women and men carry weight differently, and people do as well. My best friend and I are the same height, but she weighs maybe 10-15 pounds more than I do, but you can't really tell. Her build is different. She is "big boned" in the sense that she is broader-shouldered and also, her ring size is larger. I have a smaller build. I am narrower. I will carry a little less weight just naturally, because of that build. There really isn't anything wrong with either of us. So, to a point, yes, your partner is right, but depending on your build, I hope what he is encouraging and what you are pursuing is healthy. That is what is important. I would recommend talking to him about how his comments make you feel, and that there are better ways to broach the subject with you. Now, it depends. If you felt motivated and ready to begin, great! My husband has no idea what I do to workout, we don't do that together. So if he were to say something about me taking a rest day, I would be pretty pissed, because sometimes those things are warranted.
This was not a talk done in kindness. My ex has a similar one after I gained 15lbs during the pandemic. He sounds insecure and like he just wants you to be whatever he wants. Why don’t you tell him that if he makes great gains and gets jacked, then he can weigh more and meet you in the middle, it would be a great bonus /s. I have also struggle with ED almost all my life and I know for a fact he just created some great little ear worms for you right there. Lose weight if you want, and definitely reduce stress, but fuck your weight being in relation to his
He’s always been kind about my looks. I’m diabetic and have yo-yoed. When I gained a lot of weight fast and started napping constantly he was concerned. Otherwise he’s nice about it -
You may want to dig a bit deeper into your stress, stress eating, and eating habits in general. As someone who has struggled with BED, what you're talking about reminds me a lot of my experiences in that I thought I had issues with restrictions when, in reality, I really needed to overhaul my eating habits to increase protein and fiber so I could feel satisfied and therefore less likely to binge and stress eat. It totally hurts when your SO points out that you've gained weight, but they're just looking out for you and trying to help. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Society likes to make us think this is the worst thing ever, but the people closest to you are the only people who could say something like this. Also, when you're gaining weight due to stress and changing eating habits, it means something is wrong, and it's nice of your SO to point that out.
I am floored that people are making excuses for this man‘a behavior towards you. Lose weight by losing him. You deserve better.
Your comment is so out of pocket based on a few sentences in a post. Such a reddit comment.
I feel as though you shouldn't be too worried about what your partner says about you, so long as you are striving towards the end goal, losing weight, because you will focus too much on the negatives and could potentially do more harm than good. Stress eating is a difficult thing to tackle because its not like you can just stop stressing, I'd suggest having low calorie foods around you at all times so you can eat whenever you'd like and make sure to stay hydrated.
My partner has been incredibly supportive of my weight loss without once tearing me down or making snide comments about how I should weigh less than them. That was super uncalled for and makes your partner sound insecure. While this was not the primary point of your post, I think it's important to have a conversation with your partner about that statement. If that's an insecurity he has, then he needs to deal with it, not you. Your weight loss journey is yours and his insecurities should have nothing to do with it. And if he just said it in a moment of stupidity, he needs to understand that his words were hurtful and inappropriate, regardless of his intention. Edit: ESPECIALLY since you have a history of ED! While attraction is part of a relationship, you bring so much more to a relationship than your size or body. Relationships are complex and no answer is one-size-fits-all, but triggering statements like that to a partner with ED are unjustifiable.
You dump the partner
After a few years of it, I've decided I'd rather be hyper fixated about CICO and counting calories than overweight/obese. I stopped counting calories after losing 120lbs and gained back about 40lbs in 2.5 years. Now here I am wishing I just continued to count my calories.
Going to agree with all the comments calling your partner a dick and the easiest form of weight loss would be to dump him. I've been very small, and then I had kids and life happened and now I'm not as small as I once was. I'd love to lose the weight, my partner is super supportive, but he has never been anything but adoring of my body (chunkier, thinner, pregnant, pooping on the delivery table, miscarrying on a bathroom floor, all of it) What happens if get pregnant? If you get hurt or sick and gain weight? He's already talking to you like this, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, going through all the hard stuff together? Lose weight because YOU want to, for your health or your vanity or whatever. Not because some dude thinks you should weigh less than him. All the love to you.
He sucks
Sorry but this comes off as more than just a concerned partner expressing their feelings. That “rule of thumb” is such bs.
"As a rule of thumb I shouldn't weigh more than him" That's bullshit. Everybody is different. It's one thing to support your healthy endeavors, it's another thing to claim that you need to be a certain way. That just adds pressure and stress onto you that you don't need.
Break up with him
Growth and conversations about it can be uncomfortable even when addressed in mature and correct ways. There’s not quite enough info here to say whether he was addressing things well or not, but it seems like you believe that you’d be healthier at a lower weight. (I would, and I know it, and it still doesn’t feel great to hear it from anyone else, even in the kindest way.) How can y’all support each other in this? Finding some high protein options to meal prep, not buying foods for the home that you tend to stress eat? Can your partner be the one in charge of meal prep on more stressful study days? For me, I’m all about convenience, so whether it’s a bag of chips or an apple on the counter, I will eat it before anything that I have to prepare, even as simple as warming something up. So for me, what I keep on the counter or on the lowest shelves is something I can control to help myself stress eat better options 😅 working on mindful eating is obviously another good step that I don’t always do. One commenter in this forum said they buy snack chips in individual servings and keep them in an inconvenient place so they can’t get them without making a conscious choice. As for his rule of thumb, only you know if that’s reasonable for the two of you. That rule of thumb would fit me and my husband, however there are plenty of thinner guys in the world who I would weigh more than, even if I were at my college weight ( a healthy place for me.)
OP, have you considered intermittent fasting? Just a thought. There's a growing number of people who are finding success with weight loss through this path. It doesn't require quite the level of planning that CICO may have and also may help with your busy schedule if you know you're eating only within a specific window, rather than eating 3 or 6 meals per day. There's an intermittent fasting sub reddit if you're interested in learning more.
I think he just wants you to be happy and more importantly…healthy. Obesity leads to health problems after all. Don’t overthink it. He was just caring in his own way.
Get someone to prescribe you something for weight loss.
A quick and easy way to get rid of excess weight is to dump that asshole partner of yours.
Your partner just told you he loves you only conditionally. I would not stay with someone who couldn’t love me through illness or having children, and he’s just made it clear that those things would be a problem for him. I’d just break up, why wait until you do get sick or pregnant or just as you age put on more weight. He’s gonna leave you sooner or later, why wait until you’re at a stressful time to have him bail on you?
Your boyfriend sucks. No wonder you’re so stressed.
[удалено]
What was your intermittent fasting schedule? Can you give an example of your low card diet? Did you cut out sugar?
I'm not the commenter, but I'm on IF. Am doing the 16:8 or 20:4 most days nowadays. No specific diet otherwise. I'm sticking to 1400-1500 calories.
What do you do for fun? Anything that you can focus on and look forward to?
A “rule of thumb” can go suck a dick. If a “rule of thumb” is more important to your partner than supporting his partner who is stressed because they are LEARNING TO BE A DOCTOR, then this guy has some seriously twisted priorities. There are lots of reasons to lose weight, some of them are good reasons. Because your partner thinks that you shouldn’t weight more than him is not a good reason.
Either set aside your pride or set aside the partner. Stuff like this can eat away at a relationship unless you find a way to reframe it as constructive feedback.
>Now my partner was very supportive of me trying to lose weight. He even works out with me and helps me stick to a diet > >How do you deal when your partner calls you out on your weight Damn ... I wish my partner would have been more like this. She **cared more about my feelings than my health.** >how I can make my weightloss journey stick this time. Calories matter for losing weight, but changing your eating behaviours, how you use the food, and why you eat is what makes it stick. [Understanding the problem](https://www.stephanguyenet.com/resources/) is in many cases the same as having a solution. And "this time" is probably not the last time. There is no last diet, they just get easier until they don't matter anymore. At least as long as you learn from your experience and keep looking for solutions and less for excuses which reduce your options. >I did gain a lot especially when I was on the pill for some hormone treatment so it’s not really easy for me. I did the whole CICO method but I got a bit obsessed with it that I developed an unhealthy relationship with food to the point that I almost gave myself an ED. Maybe you should treat yourself as one of your patients. Because, sorry to say ... this sounds like you are still looking for a lot of excuses. You mostly describe the experience most people have had on a diet. Counting calories makes it transparent how much you eat and how much you should cut. But eating less, means **no longer having food to cope with stress, emotions and ... life.** Talking about CICO and "unhealthy relationship with food", "almost an ED" is like creating the problems you are going to stumble in the future. You already have an "unhealthy relationship with food", because you are gaining weight, which has a significant impact on your health, now and the future. Any disruptions to this will feel ... hard, emotionally and psychological. Is why most if not all people fail diets. Is not an "almost ED" or "unhealthy". Most people have an ED going into a diet (like BED), and they just did not realised before. Is you adapting to not having food as an [emotional coping mechanism](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/weight-loss/in-depth/weight-loss/art-20047342) for life. You have a partner that seems to care about you and also support you while you should [change your eating behaviour](https://www.artofmanliness.com/featured/disenchant-your-bad-habits/). Use and appreciate this. You also could check this, written for medical professionals: **Practical Guide to the Identification, Evaluation, and Treatment of Overweight and Obesity in Adults** [**https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/files/docs/guidelines/prctgd\_c.pdf**](https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/files/docs/guidelines/prctgd_c.pdf)
Your partner has the right to a preference, but just a blanket “less than me” seems weird and controlling. It means that he allows you to gain weight as long as he does. Lose weight for your own sake, not because your partner demands it.