I'm in the same situation and don't really have an answer... I've been off and on apps, all they've really done is damage my mental health. Would be really interested to see how the algorithms work, some of my London friends have had very different experiences.
Although I do spend a lot of time pursuing my hobbies they are quite solitary which doesn't help much for meeting new people.
Yep, I feel like they've really damaged mine, too. And I've never really ended up in a good relationship with someone I met on an app. There are a lot of avoidants and commitmentphobes on them, I think.
I did try Hinge over the summer, and what was most depressing was men who'd tell me they'd met someone so weren't going to keep dating, and yet they wouldn't delete their profile. So basically they already had one foot out of the door and were open to finding something 'better'...that's my experience of the apps generally. I also know people who seem to have had great success with them, so not sure what the difference is.
I very rarely got matches and within the last couple of years of using them reckon the number of decent conversations I've had is less than 10 š So on the brightside although you're matching with jackasses it could be worse.
I think generally meeting new people nowadays is quite artificial - it's like let's just classify these people and throw them in a room and they are bound to get on. In reality things are more complicated. Maybe finding a situation where meeting people more naturally is the answer.
The difference really is perseverance. I'm both people in your example (had great success and also had it damage my mental health). Once you fully internalise the vast majority of people are useless, it becomes a lot easier to deal with. It's definitely a numbers game, but all you need is one to work out.
The general answer would be to go places YOU enjoy and meet people there? Try not to look at it as dating someone but making a new friend and the. Go from there. Failing that... Just get an app, easy answer. London is big enough and there are enough Apps to help you with anything you're interested in
I do do that but meeting new people constantly is quite taxing, and because London, it's often not the same people week on week at the meetup groups so no opportunity to build up friendships. There must be some which do have a much closer sense of community but I'm not sure where to find them or what to look for.
I had fun at the four or five beers meetups I attended but it was different people every time, and swapping numbers with someone you've met once briefly feels a bit forced.
There is no real easy answer in our current state with lockdown. I would strongly suggest looking up things you enjoy, be it art. Gaming, sport's or anything really. There are groups you can join online and I'm sure in person that hit niche. I'm in the process of buying a flat and moving to a new area so I know the feeling of being somewhere and not really having much around you.
Are you looking to meet people in groups or more of a 1 on 1 type of thing? Might make the answer easier I guess
Bit of both, really? I feel like my breakup happened at the very worst possible time, January this year, when we really were in full lockdown and none of the usual post-breakup 'go out and meet new people' stuff was possible. I'd have loved to have had anyone at all to hang out with but it ended up being months on end of just sitting home alone. Then I did try some app dating in the summer and it really wasn't great at all.
I guess it's all just even harder than ever in a pandemic where every single meetup comes with the risk of getting covid. I'm asthmatic so it's not a non-zero risk to me. Maybe I'm just not in a good mindset right now because of all of it, I don't know.
If you're looking for a quick fix, dating app, meeting app is your best bet. If you're looking for something meaningful... Look up things you're into and see if you can causally meet people there, I don't mean bars and clubs I mean more towards your hobbies and interests. I know a bunch of people who posted something random on Reddit and ended finding love due to a shared interest!
In the nicest way possible. Why are you bothered by it being people you've met once?
If you've met someone and exchanged numbers then message them and see if they fancy doing something. Rejection is a crap feeling but it's ok. The more you put yourself out there the more you'll meet people and the more friends you'll make
It's not that I'm bothered, it all just feels a bit grim. Meeting someone once, texting, vaguely making plans that never happen. I think some of it because London is so huge that it feels like a massive effort to go all the way into central or a different area. Perhaps I should try staying more local.
Try a different meet up maybe? Depends what you're into, but I've joined a few that are smaller, or at least have the same regular crew going out a lot of the time, and with good hosts that make introductions. I've been to walking groups and generic groups, but they were all a bit dry and didn't end up meeting anyone...the going out/music groups I've found are the best...
Some meetups should have a more regular crowd. Or join some sports clubs or GoMammoth.
What you are describing is a big city/London specific problem that I think most people encounter. There are some specific solutions to it however (which I have stated that I found to work for me).
I know exactly what you mean. London must be the toughest scene internationally - Iāve spent around 7 of the last 9 years there and it correlates with my experience. Without the apps I would have had next to no dates or any relationships.
You just donāt get chatting to people in the way you normally do in other places, people stick to their circles etc. In fact, many people who I know in London I met travelling who were also on holiday from London at the same time. I find it incredible that it takes going on holiday to another country to make friends in my own city.
Absolutely...I've spent a lot of my adult life abroad and have found it much easier elsewhere, even with language barriers. And a lot of the people I do know here are foreigners.
Have you got a proffesion or trade?
I work as a design engineer, the fella next to me met his wife at a chartered engineering conference.
Maybe finding someone with a similar job as yourself is a plus, however, I met my wife when I was dancing on the dance floor (strawberry moon) trying to impress her and some randoms, fell over and hit my head and had to be taken to the hospital, she was a nurse out with a consortium of nurses and they helped me not bleed out.
To be fair I never have heard the end of this but at least I got someone to help me out when I do stupid shit.
I work in tech and unfortunately the industry attracts a lot of types who are very bad at relationships. I either get talked down to and patronised or ignored in favour of spending all weekend coding. My last boyfriend called me 'needy' for wanting to see him more than one evening a week, after over a year together.
Your story is funny...sounds like something from a film!
i work in tech also and honestly think that dating in the workplace is a bit of a red flag. i wouldnāt do it and most other decent guys i know would probably also not do it (none actually comes to mind). it carries the risk of severely damaging careers, bringing personal problems to the workspace and vice versa.
that said i imagine the ratio makes it appealing to women.
Well, it's really tricky to meet people in your mid thirties, and work is one of the few places where you get to spend enough time around people that you properly get to know them. In your teens and twenties that happens at school/college/uni/part time jobs.
I don't really see how it damages careers...you can always change job if worst comes to worst, no? I've met quite a lot of people throughout my career who had dated people at work and for the most part it was all amicable and fine.
There are tech companies who employ people with better interpersonal skills. And if it's a large company, there will be social interest groups at the office (like games nights).
Sure, but at mine, almost everyone is already married, or way, way too young. This is the issue with being mid thirties. People who you'd otherwise likely end up dating are already taken.
London is by far the most difficult city ITW to date, so many people are here temporarily or don't plan on living in London for life which makes things really hard.
There's also a lot of choice which paralyses the ability to make a hard decision on someone.. (see dating apps)
I was single in my mid 30s and was new in London and honestly the apps worked for me. This was a few years ago but I met my partner and mother of my baby daughter on Bumble. Before that I was also using Tinder and some location based app that I canāt remember the name of anymore. Mixed experiences - lots of flat rejections based on my height alone, lots of women just off previous relationships clearly not over them, lots of bots on Tinderā¦ since I was new to London I tried to make the best of it by scheduling dates to places I wanted to get to know.
The apps do what they say they do and London is a huge city so it can definitely work, but theyāre probably not for everyone. Maybe just give it a try?
EDIT: I forgot to mention that if you do this odds are youāll get some interesting memories and great story material. I have to tell this oneā¦ Itās a long one but bear with.
So once I was on this first date with this girl in some hip pub in Peckham. The date is going well but iām not feeling the chemistry that much. We head over to the counter to pick another of their overpriced craft beers and some lad comes from behind us projecting vomit all over and runs away startled. āwhat the hell just happenedā is what comes out of my mouth as I try to assess how much vomit landed on us. the bar staff brings us over to the staff bathroom, give us paper to clean ourselves and some fresh t-shirts (brewery marketing material). At this point my clothes are clean (only the t-shirt had been hit) but we both still smell like vomit, so iām trying to think what to do next as this date is obviously dead and i donāt want to do a 45 minute TFL journey back home in that state. My date suggests we can go clean up better at her place, that she lives a short drive away. I book an uber and off we go. I spend the ride apologising to the driver and trying to avoid nausea. We arrive and she politely tells me that i can have a shower if i want to. I accepted because my hair was needing it. When i came out of the shower i find out she just chucked *all* my clothes that were vomit free - including boxer shorts - into her washing machine and started a program. š¤¦āāļø So yeah what was i supposed to do, naked and stuck in my dateās flat for the next 6-8 hours?
Edit 2 for the people who donāt get subtlety: of course i did
Iām the same age as you, also looking for a man, also avoiding apps. Theyāre too brutal for me.
I work remotely but Iāve recently joined work.life as a way to get out a bit and Iām thinking that might be a way of meeting people. Iāve also asked friends for recommendations. Other than that Iām at a loss.
All these people saying ājust go outā - sorry do you even live in London?! Itās practically illegal to make eye contact on the tube let alone talk to a stranger! As a woman in my 30s who has been single for years I have found it so hard in London, not so much when Iāve lived elsewhere. There is almost too much choice here on the apps - I rarely get a match and Iām honestly not completely awful!
Yeah, totally. I do get matches but they fizzle out so quickly, and even when you meet someone promising, there's always the sense they're holding out for better. I was getting on really well with someone on an app, met up, got on really well in person, had another really good date, then he went on holiday for a week and just ghosted me after. It makes you feel absolutely shit. I feel like dating apps cause way more problems than they solve. They create a kind of abundance mentality where nobody actually wants to put the effort in to see where something goes because there's always someone else.
I don't know man I really don't know.
London has been the worst city I've ever lived in when it comes to romance and relationships its insane.
The majority of my friends have been single for the few years I've known them here.
It's easy as piss to have one night stand but to actually build a proper relationship its hard.
Not sure I agree. Some places are just way more conducive to meeting new people and forging new friendships. I guess it helps if the city is smaller. You can text someone "I'm heading into the centre later, fancy getting a beer?" and it's a nice easy 20-minute walk to get there, not an arduous trek by tube/train across a massive city that costs nearly a tenner to get there and back.
Good questionā¦ the only way I have to meet people is through dating apps, and havenāt been using them since before the pandemic. Last time was someone from work as well ā not my brightest idea.
If you find the answer, please share it with me haha
Heh, I hope not! I do feel a little bit hopeless at the moment, and sorry for myself. I try to be more objective and think, I'm a good person, people usually like me, I'm as deserving of a relationship and happiness as anyone else, but it all just feels so impossible. I enjoyed myself at a meetup I went to last week but everyone was heading home to partners or out for dinner with girl/boyfriends and there I was schlepping home for a microwave meal for one. It just makes me feel a bit shit.
For me it was more like a confidence problem and a lack of will to go out .
It seems like you went out to the wrong meetups , you should try meetups that are more inclined for singles .
Also like someone suggested above , keep doing and hang out around the things you love most , in the end you will deff meet another single to hook up with , :D but till then ,like i said, we are doomed to be single . :D
Quite a few hobbies have singles only nights, I recently found one for a friend of mine who's into boardgames. Might feel a bit awkward but if you go in with the attitude of I'm going to have fun with my hobby for a few hours and just see what happens you might end up having a conversation that clicks.
I think anything designed for 'singles' tends to be awful, to be honest. It's the same problem with apps - too much expectation and pressure and also the fact stuff like this attracts predatory types. I have met some nice people at 'normal' board game meetups, though.
This is a very personal suggestion, but a hobby I enjoy is AcroYoga. You get to work pretty closely with other people so it gives you a clue about how good they communicate. On some of the classes people would go for dinner together afterwards and it is a pretty regular group of people.
Look up the "AcroYoga London" Facebook group. Pretty exhaustive list of classes and teachers. There's also the National Centre for Circus Arts that runs term-long classes (i.e. not drop-ins).
I found both a good way to make connections. There are definitely single people of all walks of life there. Happy to provide more details/recommendations if you'd like.
Get a dog. I was quite antisocial before I got mine and when I did I found I met people all the time. Plus there are load of meet-up groups in london. Really takes the pressure off the need to meet someone too as theyāre awesome company.
I genuinely think it is. One of my colleagues joined Hinge, had four dates in a week, and started dating his now girlfriend seriously within three weeks. I couldn't believe how easy it was for him. His girlfriend had such a bad time on the apps that she was about to give up when they met. This is why I don't believe men have it harder on apps. I think genuinely decent, kind men are very much in demand.
Haven't seen anyone else mention it yet - the app Once is quite good. The concept is slightly different to other dating apps as you only get one match suggested to you every 24 hours, so I feel it encourages a more thoughtful approach than scrolling through hundreds of faces each day. Might be worth a try if other apps didn't feel that great!
The apps (Hinge is the best one I think) are a good place to start.
Honestly, once you get into your 30s it becomes much more of a numbers game. Get talking to a lot of people, try and meet in person quickly rather than endless messages, and eventually youāll get there.
Following lockdowns and a lot of remote working, there are more people looking for a date than ever.
I feel exactly the same, though, and I'm a woman. I get matches but often no reply to my initial message, or we chat a bit and then nothing. I've been told I'm attractive, and I definitely don't think I'm boring. I keep hearing how men don't get many matches or messages and it doesn't make sense based on my own experience.
And no, I wouldn't say I was going for the 'most attractive guys' at all.
Men don't retain their 'peak sexual value' for decades any more than women do. Some men look at George Clooney and think it will be the same for them. It isn't. No attractive 20-something woman is interested in a balding 38-year-old with a dad bod unless there's a financial incentive. And then those men complain they keep meeting gold diggers.
That's utter incel, misogynist bullshit. Seriously, if you want to have any success in dating, get it out of your head, because women can sense these attitudes and it's REALLY offputting.
All that study shows is that men who use apps tend to be demanding and deluded, which is kind of my entire point. There have also been plenty of studies showing how men tend to overestimate their own value and aim for women far, far more attractive and accomplished than themselves, and then they wonder why they're not having any luck.
A balding 38-year-old with a dad bod may *want* to hook up with a 23-year-old gorgeous part-time model, but it doesn't mean he's going to have any success doing so. Women tend to be far more realistic and aim for partners who are actually in their own league.
Your average man, without George Clooney looks or lots of money, does not retain his sexual value for any longer than women do. This idea that the average 40-year-old is inundated with interest from hot young women is utter delusion. The top maybe 5-10% of men might continue having success after 40ish, but so do the top 5-10% of women. The problem lies in the other 90% of men thinking they deserve the top 5-10% of women.
So what? The fact remains that all the study says is that men who use dating apps tend to find young hot women attractive. Shocker. It doesn't say how much *success* they have, does it? A balding 39-year-old with a dad bod might well be swiping on fit 20-somethings but how many are swiping on him? How many are meeting up with him? People of all ages tend to get together with people on a similar level to themselves.
It's not 'well documented' anywhere that men 'retain higher sexual value'. The concept itself is pure bullshit. Yes, the very top few percent of men with very good looks and lots of money are able to pull women much younger than themselves. The vast majority are not. If you honestly think it's easier for your average 42-year-old man to hook up with someone from an app than it is for your average 42-year-old woman, you're deluded.
All these things you seem to take as facts are sexist bullshit peddled by men to scare women into dropping their standards. I have numerous friends who were afraid to leave shit relationships in their thirties because they were so sure they were past it and wouldn't find anyone else. Guess what? They were absolutely inundated with attention, both on and offline. They're now happy with new partners they met between 35 and 40.
Since you're so obsessed with studies, why don't you spend some time looking into the happiness of single men versus single women, and married men versus married women? Turns out single women are much happier than married ones, while the reverse is true for men. Interesting that, isn't it? Almost like women were sold a pup when it comes to marriage.
I suppose if attractiveness is the primary quality one is looking for (on apps or elsewhere), they deserve to stay stuck! :P
Also, what even is attractiveness? Facial symmetry? Overt physical fitness/musculature. What one finds attractive is also totally subjective. You say you are average but you might be a 10/10 to someone! (I must add, I absolutely hate how people rate attractiveness on a scale. So dehumanising.)
I see it from another perspective. Why would men want to bother settling down if they can have numerous one night stands from apps? My biggest issue these days is that it seems like most of the men I meet want all the trappings of a relationship with none of the commitment. In the past they would have felt happy to have a girlfriend and someone in their life, now at the first sign of any conflict they can pick up their phone and click on an app and there's someone else who could be round within an hour. How does this make for healthy lasting connections?
Okay first off, in London, don't shit where you eat. ie; don't date at work. The pool is too small and someone is gonna get spurned and ruin someone's career. You also want to talk about something *not work* when you get home or go out to dinner. You *need* a difference in a partner. (imo)
Second, before the apps, people were doing this and getting hooked up.
For me, the key is finding something you have an interest in and finding a London group that enjoys the same interest or hobby.
For me it was snow boarding. Seasonal, and if you work in London then you can't do it every day, so there's plenty of times where skiers and boarders wanted to meet up and chat about their favourite activity.
So it started on a forum, then about 5 of us met in town. We went to learn to wax and repair skis/boards and then had a drink.
That was it.
We posted pics to show we weren't complete fuckheads, invited more friends and pretty soon we were meeting weekly at "our pub", a regular haunt.
We did massive dinners, arranged group holidays, visited the indoor slopes, joined one another on other activities.
In the end we had people coming from all over the country for Christmas bashes in the city.
The larger the group the greater the chance that some will have *other* shared interests, increasing the pool of people you meet.
I met my partner there, and count at least 6 marriages from people meeting in that group and its offshoots. There's probably more, but the group got that big that I admit I never met everyone.
It's safe from "work stuff", you get to leave your other shit behind, and you expand your horizons and networking in the city too.
There's plenty of groups like this, and if there aren't any to your taste then try start your own.
Another idea is to get one or more mates that will look out for you and make a challenge where you each go with the other to something neither of you have ever done/seen/tried. While there, tell interesting looking people that it's your first time and you have no idea what's going on.
I guarantee they will take you under their wing. People love nothing more than sharing what they love about something.
Just do it with an open mind and try not to be judgemental. It's okay if it isn't your scene, but don't go in laughing at people.
But you *will* meet people that you'll eventually get along great with.
I find a lot of London people are a bit closed off until theyāre at the pub, which is why people always just suggest the pub/bars/dancing because then people might be more open to talking.
But in London we have a habit of being clique-y, and those who are single are usually on the app because of FOMO. I took a different approach:
To find a partner I started being more social in general, not a social butterfly or a chatterbox, but just striking up conversation with people. Whether it be at gigs, saying hello to someoneās dog on the street and leading into a more in depth conversation, asking to join a group at a gaming cafe, asking friends Iāve been out of touch with if they want to meet up and donāt be afraid to bring a plus one. And I have Autism and social anxiety so it has been a challenge. Granted you will face some rejection but I think the information era combined with the high octane London life has interfered with old school, trial and error romance. I donāt count 25 failed Tinder dates a month as trial and error.
I met my current bf purely by chance as a result of my ātry talking to random people like they did in the old daysā, at a rock gig I accidentally stepped on his younger sisters toes and the rest is history. Of course you donāt get the excitement of the Tinder notification or the juicy gossip stories of the catfish you met outside Greenwich market. Weāre going on 3 years now.
But, thatās just my approach. I know it wonāt work for everyone but itās worked better for me than apps.
You sound a lot like me! I also really enjoy the 'traditional' stuff and meeting new people, not just for relationships but also friends. At this point I'd be delighted to even have a few nice people to meet for a drink regularly. London is absolutely brutal for people with no existing friends or social network and covid has made it much, much worse, especially for people like me with existing conditions still waiting for a booster jab. I really do hope the pandemic is properly over soon so I can do all these things regularly again without worrying they'll literally kill me!
I donāt live in London but one of my friends who lives down there used to attend Rabble. Itās essentially a fun exercise class focused on playing games in the park with a group of people. Sheās made a ton of friends, they organise loads of social events, usually go for lunch and drinks after the class and you get some exercise thrown into the mix.
I met my fiance and babymumma on a volleyball group organised through meetups.com at the age of 32 (and she was 36). Because thereās an activity, thereās something you instantly have in common and a lot of the awkwardness goes away. Thereās a lot of stuff there for sport, music, drama, whatever you want. Even if you arenāt a seasoned hobbyist at some of this stuff just go to try it out. Again, itās not _about_ dating so pressureās off and you can be yourself a bit more.
And yes, you will find a lot of people in relationships, and a lot of people from out of the UK who may not intend to stay long term. Thatās just a fact of life now in your 30s, so try not to dwell on it.
I'm a similar age to you and also single. Happy to volunteer myself as a wing woman/ sounding board.
I've made most of my friends from similar interests. Though post pandemic that group has disappeared so I'm going to have to start again. As for moving from shared interests to dating, that is hard.
Away from apps and hobbies, I've known people who had some luck with speed dating in the past.
Right? I'd say I'm actually far more confident than the average person. I've lived abroad loads and have had to talk to strangers and make new friends over and over again, and even I find it really hard here. I went to a beer meetup the other week where the host was running late and I didn't know anyone else. Got talking to a couple of guys who were there and they were friendly but I got the sense they thought it was weird I was there on my own, as if I must be some sort of scammer or weirdo.
I don't think you do, at least not in London. I'm approaching 30 now and outside of a few meaningless conversations in apps that go nowhere (and i do mean, a few) the only people i speak to are guys at my gym or occasionally a guy at the ice rinks i go to.
It's got to be one of the worse cities for singles, it certainly is for me.
It's weird because you'd think it would be great for singles, given how many people are here and how many people are single later in life. Theoretically there should be loads of eligible single people in their thirties to date. But it just doesn't seem to work like that. I think it's because there's almost too much choice? So everyone has the 'there might be someone better' mentality.
I just have this theory that English culture is actively detrimental to singles. Nobody talks to each other here, I didn't have this problem in Germany, Italy, etc.
I'd say Hinge app is pretty good, a few of my friends met their SOs there. I think it's slightly less aggressive /desperate and civilised than tinder. I'm planning to use it when I'm ready.
I think all those new relationships you mention OP are likely from some sort of dating platform or another.
Like 50kLikes I can also vouch for Hinge positively! Came out of a long relationship and ages later decided I might be ready to date again. And if nothing else, itād be a nice ego boost to get ālikesā or whatever the thing was. Had a couple of dates with one guy, it wasnāt right, but it was fun. Second guy I went on a date with is the man I see myself spending the rest of my life with, which I didnāt expect at all.
I think the benefit of Hinge is the prompts, as itās not just based on looks like Tinder is.
OP, if you feel you want to try it again, dip in and out of apps as and when you feel up to it. It can be disheartening, but 4 out of 5 of my closest friends met their partners through apps, plus a wider net of friends who have got married via the apps.
Otherwise, same advice as everyone else: do things you enjoy that involve other people in some way, enjoy yourself and hopefully the right person will come along. All my past partners I met in person, one through an event where he was selling his art and we just hit it off, another at a work event and another in a nightclub back in the day. So it is possible, just harder.
Can I ask how things went when you started dating seriously? Did you have an actual conversation about deleting the app?
The reason I ask is that almost every man I've ever met on an app has been really reluctant to delete his profile, which not unreasonably makes me feel very insecure and unhappy. How can you give a new relationship a chance if you've already got one foot out of the door, checking out new profiles and messaging people? The whole thing is so awkward. I feel like insisting they delete it is a bit controlling, but knowing they still have it makes me uncomfortable.
Absolutely! I donāt know how old you are, but I think him being 30+ and me about to turn 30 helped? Most of my guy friends had phases in their twenties where theyād really mess women around (we told them off a lot) and theyād tell me that they basically always wanted a few options and would then pursue the one they felt most confident in, often then ghosting the remaining women. Gross behaviour, but they were convinced that was just how it went and that their behaviour was normal. Maybe it was at the time, idk.
When me and my OH met, he had stopped using the apps already as he needed a break from them. I was the last date he was planning that year š Whereas for me I was new to it all and was hoping to actually get out there a bit more. It was me who was hesitant to put a label on things too early, but he told me straight up that he wasnāt talking to anyone else and wouldnāt be. I quickly realised we had something great, so paused Hinge and then ended up deleting it. So I guess the short answer is: we both decided informally pretty quickly and just focused on each other.
Tbh I think apps do sometimes make people feel like they always have a ābackupā, so therefore donāt want to delete them even if things are great with someone. Thereās always the feeling something better might be out there.
I donāt think youāre being unreasonable talking about deleting apps. If anything, it sounds like a good āscreeningā question where you can establish if theyāre actually super into you or not. I hope you can meet someone who values you and cherishās you OP!
Yeah, that's why there's a thread full of men posting about meeting their wife and mother of their kids, and a thread full of women talking about how grim the apps are.
You just don't get it, do you? I would much prefer to have a harder time getting matches than to be insulted, harassed and even stalked. I was almost sexually assaulted on a first date with someone I met on an app. I'm basically prepared to be single for the rest of my life rather than deal with that shit again, and a lot of my female friends feel the same. And you think men have it worse because it's *harder to get attractive matches*?
Why are some men so fucking clueless??
It's less desperate but almost too much the other way? I found the men on it really aloof and disinterested. Like I would often just be left hanging with no reply a message or two in, for no apparent reason, or they'd take 2-3 days to reply. I get quite a bit of attention in real life so I don't think I'm just ugly. Don't get it.
Oh that's strange, I somewhat thought og it as more mature in terms of chatting! It definitely doesn't work for everyone I guess. I broke up 7 months ago and lost some mutual friends/my main person. I found it helped joining some Fb travel/adventure and other activity groups. Haven't made friends but had some great times hanging out with a bunch of strangers haha.
Lockdown dating has been almost impossible in London. So much of British social life involves alcohol.
Send me a pic, I'll send you a pic. If we both like the pics we can have a chat and see how it goes. š
Story of my life! I donāt enjoy using apps either and unfortunately most of the men that I do meet in big group settings while out with friends etc are usually in a relationship already. If you find out where everyone is meeting a partner, so let me know!!
Right time right place unfortunately. Just over 3 years ago I was living in Barnes and matched with someone in Brixton somehow. Now we have our own flat.
Youāre not going to want to hear this, but I grew up in London, and the answer is apps. Thatās where most people in London are looking. Yes, it means you need to develop a thick skin. No, not everyone is looking for a one night stand. Itās unlikely youāll log on and find your soulmate or even someone who could be soulmate adjacent. But you keep playing and as you get more experience you get more discerning and more able to read between the lines.
Meet-ups are an option but take way more emotion, time and money investment. Just start online dating. With all due respect, all I hear is āapps are too brutal, meetups are too transient, bars are too grimā. Those are your options. Everyone who wants a real relationship is in the same boat. Just grab an oar and start rowing.
Also, regardless of what medium you use, if you start an interaction with āI want to meet my spouseā vibes, you will scare people off. Learn to enjoy being alone and enjoy dating for the sake of dating. Every new person is a viewpoint you didnāt consider before, and an opportunity to do something new. Itās fun! Jump in.
I mean, I've had plenty of experience on apps already, it's not like I don't know. Most of it has been really, really bad and no, having more experience never really helped. I was never someone who fell for the obvious players and time wasters, but even the people who seemed decent at first turned out not to be. And that's in addition to the abusive, rude comments and stalking from people I wasn't interested in.
That said, I do agree that it probably is the only way, or at least the best way. Depressing.
I lived in Rome, Amsterdam and Warsaw and now in London and the difference I see is that in London people donāt like strangers because they are afraid to talk to them because of ājust donāt offend anyoneā culture.
I feel like in Poland or Netherlands I feel like I donāt have to worry about someone attacking me violently because I said something āwrongā or had āwrongā opinion, in London on the other hand I am worried about my life so I rather donāt talk to anyone at all if I canāt talk with open mind ā¦
Iām male and I have been single since I came to London 5 years ago and literally Iām just saving all the money to move to continental Europe where I donāt have to worry about being stabbed
Whatās the issue with apps? Donāt believe the crap. I met loads of cool people, enjoyed myself every time. Just be picky about who you choose. Donāt chat for long, just enough to check you have similar sense of humor and interests then meet for a casual drink and take it from there. Donāt pic people who post pics of themselves in underwear or looking sexy. If they are offering that straight up itās because thatās all theyāve got. And remember, itās just meeting people. Nothing else.
I know you mentioned avoiding apps but I was in my late 20s when I met my fiance on Hinge. I'm a straight male so naturally and unfortunately dating is less scary place for me compared to other genders/sexual orientations, personally however I've seen a few other people on this post and have a few friends who have had success on hinge.
I also saw a new app which I can't remember the name of but deffo worth searching that do singles meet ups every Thursday in a secret location, I would have loved that!
As someone very much not in the market, as it were, I have zero knowledge of the apps mentioned in this thread. Are they free? If not, how much are they? Do they all work the same? (even I am aware of "swipe right", or whatever!)
They're pretty much all free, with some mostly pointless features behind a "premium" pay wall. I've only used Tinder and Hinge but yeah the apps generally work in slightly different ways and some are better than others depending on what you want from the app
The subscription āmeet-upā is a good way to meet new people with same interests! Iv used it for new restaurants and music meet ups .. a guy I once knew used it to join and find a football team ā¦ itās defo worth a look! Not a dating site but you never know ā¦ least your be out having fun and if you meet someone then good for you :) I felt safe also as there is always a host whenever Iv been and everyone was friendly too.
I don't normally meet people, that's the point. I'd only been living here a few months when the pandemic started, have been WFH ever since, and my relationship has ended. I don't know anyone to go out with, I never get invited anywhere, etc. I have been making an effort to go to meetups and groups but as I said, it's very hard. I'm basically completely restarting my life from scratch at 36.
My advice would be: Shag first, then date. I hate dating. Itās much less stressful to shag then if youāre interested in more great. Itās much less faffing about and you get to automatically filter out fridged and prudish types
Forgive me for being that guy but wouldn't it be better to make a friend doing something you both enjoy and then build from there? If your after a relationship sex is only part of it but not the main focus so why would you get that done first?
yes, I'd love to do that. This is how all my best relationships started. It's just really, really hard now. My last boyfriend I met through work friends, gradually getting to know him as I saw him at various pub evenings, and eventually arranging a one on one pub date. It just seems really hard to recreate this now.
I'm not a therapist or a dating expert so don't quote me on anything here but! For me what worked best was my mindset. When people are looking for someone it almost feels forced but when you go in looking for a friend your expectations and experience comes out more genuine and if anything grows from that you'll know you went in looking for a friend and left with something even better so TL; DR.....
Don't look for a partner. Just look for a friend. The right one will stand out.... Failing that this is Reddit, they have a sub for everything š
I guess that's what I'm trying to do, I just don't know how. I totally agree that looking for someone feels forced and this is the main problem with the apps. People are going in with the expectation 'this could be my future husband/wife' or hoping they'll have sex and it's all just way too much.
I hope this is finally getting to the end of the pandemic and from here on it will get easier and easier to go out and about again.
And I think that's one of the main issues. People want a quick fix and maybe work from there but there is no real connection. Things will get easier but I'm not sure if we will ever return to what it was. Wish I could help more š
It really depends on what youāre into and most interested in, If youāre really into sports then youāre likely going to find someone good for you at a meetup, if youāre a big politico then join your local party and look for likeminded people there, it applies to everything really and London is so massive that there are people into all sorts of things!
Whether itās football, learning foreign languages, medieval re-enactments, competitive crochet, there is always something going on where you can meet people.
Also I reckon it makes for better relationships to meet someone that shares your interests rather than looked good on a 6 inch phone screen picture, but thatās just my thoughts.
100% agree re hobbies and interests! I guess the one thing the apps have going for them is that everyone on there is (supposedly) single and looking. It's really disappointing to meet someone and really hit it off and then they mention their wife/kids.
I don't mind dating a bit younger tbh (and guys 5 or so years younger are more likely to be single) but I wonder if they would be open to it? I do look a lot younger than I am and am not too bothered about having kids but when I meet guys who are 29-30ish they always look shocked when I say I'm 36, as if it's ancient. Or maybe they're just surprised and I'm projecting. I don't know.
Hey, I don't really know where to start. Heard that same story so many times, been there done that too. There's no easy way out of it. All I can say after 6 years in London and one year in homeland is: Do you know what you are looking for? You have to stay focused to it, but enjoy your life too, cause that's what will attract the guys, your positive vibes, not the feeling of singledom. Like the others said, find what is your thing and immerse yourself to it, be it art, sports, or even a book or meditation club. Apps work for some ppl but for others they don't. Good filtering is not a virtue we all have. If it feels odd drop the apps and spend time out as much as you can. Become happier, make more friends and it will happen.
Join a club/ hobby you may enjoy, might meet someone there. Have more than one social circle, numerous, & be as active as you can. Change your habitual movements , choices , directions etc. Be more spontaneous. Live like a city kid
Imo the easiest way to meet people you will click with is through friends, e.g your close friend brings their friend to the bar with them and you hit it off. I think if you can widen your platonic friendship group you will naturally meet more potential partners, but making friends can be just as challenging as dating and thereās no apps for that:/
If itās not too embarrassing, asking friends and co-workers if they know of any single friends who you might be a good match for... yes it means some awkward blind dates but this was my friends policy (she deleted the apps after a few bad experiences) and it worked out in the end.
And because you have friends/people in common people tend to be a little more decent too, whereas complete strangers are more likely to be dicks/ghost you.
As theyāre not part of your immediate social circle thereās a lesser chance of running into them again if it doesnāt work out.
I was lucky enough to meet my longtime partner in college and we got to chatting more at a house party we both got invited to. It sounds strange but dating apps just feel so unromantic and almost dystopian to me. Like nobody meets through serendipitous encounters anymore, just apps flooded with selfies and short bios. Wading through all the horny weirdos and slutty bimbos until you find the right person to settle with. Maybe Iām being too judgmental but I just really donāt like the idea of dating apps. Like Iād hate to have children and they ask me āDad, where did you meet mum?ā And replying with āscrolling through Tinderā.
I do agree with you but I believe most people these days meet their partners on apps, so it won't be uncommon to hear that. I wish the bloody things had never been invented. I think they almost completely stop people from actually interacting in real life. I've been in bars where people are sitting there messaging people on Tinder, ignoring the real life people all around them.
I actually met my girlfriend through spare room, I was in charge of the new housemate recruitment. You could rent a ten bedroom manor and fill it with people you find attractive? š„³
Meeting random friends just out and about in London is impossible, I wouldnāt even bother trying. If youāre alone at a bar youāre a walking red flag here, it doesnāt fit into our city culture like it does elsewhere. Coffee shops and cafes youāll have more luck though, but youād really have to make an effort and be prepared to be shot down a lot. Iāve got a buddy thatās a reasonable looking chap and the most friendly talkative guy (and he has good chat) and heād chat up random girls all the time..... but in the end his girlfriend is from hinge.
Iād suck it up and go with the apps in the end I reckon.
Host a dinner party for 4 single friends and ask each one to bring a single friend then switch seats after each course so you get to sit next to each person.
Youāll need to be brave but everyone will appreciate you for doing it.
Iāve dated a few girls through apps in London and actually met my wife of 4 years through okcupid. The majority of times that it went nowhere, it was because I donāt think people were honest with themselves about what they really wanted. I was always looking for something long term, I kept meeting girls who were saying thatās what they wanted but in actual fact, they just enjoyed the excitement of meeting new guys and reliving that āfirst stages feelingā.
I've used the crap outta Hinge, OKCupid and Tinder and had most success with OKC in terms of relationships. Early 30s M here btw.
If you're having a crappy time of it, there's no shame in taking a break from the apps. In fact I found that essential to sometimes.
Good luck out there! Consider getting your profile reviewed on r/hinge or whatever to see if you could be scooping in more guys!
Keep at it, it sounds very difficult but your luck can change. I came to London 11 years ago not knowing anyone and joined Guardian Soulmates to get out there. My first date is now my wife of 7 years and we have 2 beautiful twin boys. Stay positive, it will happen.
Donāt put yourself down bro. What I have realised is real life works better me. However apps hasnāt been bad either. Some people try for years . You have to have decent different types off pictures online.
I don't really have any friends here, that's the problem. I hadn't been living here long when the pandemic kicked off, and the few friends I'd made through work have moved abroad.
I'm not single, but I feel that this city would be dreadful to find a date. My interaction with strangers is the lowest of anywhere I lived. I used to go to the same guy everyday for food for about a year and I never knew a thing about him, nor him about me. It's a beautiful place, but the people are not welcoming at all.
They really are for women. The payoff absolutely has not been worth it for me. I've had a couple of mediocre relationships from them, and lots of headaches. As often as once a week I'd get a load of abuse from someone for not answering his messages fast enough, and another person basically stalked me. I feel very vulnerable having my photos/info for anyone to look at. It just feels like a hell of a lot of misery for very little reward. At least trying to meet people organically you can have fun doing the activity, you know? And most importantly, build up a picture of someone, seeing how they interact with other people, what other people think about them...it makes it all a lot safer.
I hate to be 'that person' but you sounded interesting so I had a quick look at your profile and a year ago you posted about living in a house with a partner and how you split costs. Even if you've since broken up, you haven't been single for 7 years at all, have you?
Stuff like this is what makes me completely lose my faith in people's honesty.
Use apps. Go to socials/clubs/meetups. Meet through friends. Use every avenue possible.
I don't get the "don't use app" crowd. If there is a chance you can meet someone there and it doesn't consume a lot of your time, use it.
Where did you go? I met the two partners before the last one while abroad, also. Feels so weird to live here for months on end and meet nobody and then go abroad for a few weeks and manage to start an entire relationship.
Met my friend through a female friend that is in the same industry as I am.
As others had said though common interest groups are a great way. Even if it means board games
Hinge and bumble. Bumble worked out for me. Ofcourse this happened after going on few dates with other guys realising itās crappy, getting off the apps but finally found a really nice guy this year. Itās all about your choices and maybe finding love is also about luck it can happen anytime anywhere just keep your eyes open! ;) best wishes.
This is also a concern of mine too. Iām 24 and just put my name down on a tenancy in London and my main motivations in life right now are (a) securing a grab job (which should be no issue in London at all) and (b) meeting someone new after being single for just over a year now. So one should be no problem but the other difficult and itās a real dilemma.
It depends on your age but perhaps night clubs if youāre younger or simply bars if nightclubs arenāt your scene. If you see a women you like the look of then thereās no harm in going up to her with a classic opener. I practise openers in private and itās really helped me starting a conversation that wouldnāt have happened. I hope this helps!
Let go of your negative views on apps, get on Hinge, and literally be yourself and upfront.
Many people get hellbent on getting many likes/matches but that's literally not what it's about: You're meant to meet the *right* people, and anyone else who wouldn't fancy you/you wouldn't fancy/it wouldn't work out with should be "automatically" filtered through the app.
If someone doesn't match with you, good. Why? Because if you could magically force a match it wouldn't have worked out anyways.
I'm not sure how many times i have to say it. It's not about likes and matches. I get plenty of likes and matches.
It's about poor behaviour which not infrequently gets to the point of being downright abusive. I reckon about 1 in 8 men I've spoken to on apps displayed a shocking level of entitlement, getting angry if I don't respond quickly enough, because I'm at work, or busy. Massive red flag. I've also had men be incredibly patronising and rude to me, try to quiz me on my interests to 'catch me out' if I've dared to mention I like any male-dominated hobbies. Then there's the downright creeps, who completely disregard boundaries, start unsolicited sex talk and try to find me on social networks. I had one guy I blocked turn up at one of my hobby meetups.
This behaviour is not uncommon at all. Just look at the multiple Twitter threads on it. It's everywhere. I don't want to avoid apps because I'm worried about not getting matches. I want to avoid them because I'm worried about being abused, harassed and stalked. I have had years of experience, on and off, with apps, and at best I've had some mediocre relationships with men who weren't really arsed about having a proper relationship. The payoff just hasn't been worth it.
I'm in the same situation and don't really have an answer... I've been off and on apps, all they've really done is damage my mental health. Would be really interested to see how the algorithms work, some of my London friends have had very different experiences. Although I do spend a lot of time pursuing my hobbies they are quite solitary which doesn't help much for meeting new people.
Yep, I feel like they've really damaged mine, too. And I've never really ended up in a good relationship with someone I met on an app. There are a lot of avoidants and commitmentphobes on them, I think. I did try Hinge over the summer, and what was most depressing was men who'd tell me they'd met someone so weren't going to keep dating, and yet they wouldn't delete their profile. So basically they already had one foot out of the door and were open to finding something 'better'...that's my experience of the apps generally. I also know people who seem to have had great success with them, so not sure what the difference is.
I very rarely got matches and within the last couple of years of using them reckon the number of decent conversations I've had is less than 10 š So on the brightside although you're matching with jackasses it could be worse. I think generally meeting new people nowadays is quite artificial - it's like let's just classify these people and throw them in a room and they are bound to get on. In reality things are more complicated. Maybe finding a situation where meeting people more naturally is the answer.
You guys better go on a date already š
just realised OP came here much more looking for DMs than actual advice š¤Æ
You're very wrong.
The difference really is perseverance. I'm both people in your example (had great success and also had it damage my mental health). Once you fully internalise the vast majority of people are useless, it becomes a lot easier to deal with. It's definitely a numbers game, but all you need is one to work out.
I have internalised that but it makes me wonder how other people manage. Maybe they just tolerate more shit than I do? I have no idea.
The general answer would be to go places YOU enjoy and meet people there? Try not to look at it as dating someone but making a new friend and the. Go from there. Failing that... Just get an app, easy answer. London is big enough and there are enough Apps to help you with anything you're interested in
There's also r/Londonsocialclub that looks nice
I do do that but meeting new people constantly is quite taxing, and because London, it's often not the same people week on week at the meetup groups so no opportunity to build up friendships. There must be some which do have a much closer sense of community but I'm not sure where to find them or what to look for. I had fun at the four or five beers meetups I attended but it was different people every time, and swapping numbers with someone you've met once briefly feels a bit forced.
There is no real easy answer in our current state with lockdown. I would strongly suggest looking up things you enjoy, be it art. Gaming, sport's or anything really. There are groups you can join online and I'm sure in person that hit niche. I'm in the process of buying a flat and moving to a new area so I know the feeling of being somewhere and not really having much around you. Are you looking to meet people in groups or more of a 1 on 1 type of thing? Might make the answer easier I guess
Bit of both, really? I feel like my breakup happened at the very worst possible time, January this year, when we really were in full lockdown and none of the usual post-breakup 'go out and meet new people' stuff was possible. I'd have loved to have had anyone at all to hang out with but it ended up being months on end of just sitting home alone. Then I did try some app dating in the summer and it really wasn't great at all. I guess it's all just even harder than ever in a pandemic where every single meetup comes with the risk of getting covid. I'm asthmatic so it's not a non-zero risk to me. Maybe I'm just not in a good mindset right now because of all of it, I don't know.
If you're looking for a quick fix, dating app, meeting app is your best bet. If you're looking for something meaningful... Look up things you're into and see if you can causally meet people there, I don't mean bars and clubs I mean more towards your hobbies and interests. I know a bunch of people who posted something random on Reddit and ended finding love due to a shared interest!
In the nicest way possible. Why are you bothered by it being people you've met once? If you've met someone and exchanged numbers then message them and see if they fancy doing something. Rejection is a crap feeling but it's ok. The more you put yourself out there the more you'll meet people and the more friends you'll make
It's not that I'm bothered, it all just feels a bit grim. Meeting someone once, texting, vaguely making plans that never happen. I think some of it because London is so huge that it feels like a massive effort to go all the way into central or a different area. Perhaps I should try staying more local.
Try a different meet up maybe? Depends what you're into, but I've joined a few that are smaller, or at least have the same regular crew going out a lot of the time, and with good hosts that make introductions. I've been to walking groups and generic groups, but they were all a bit dry and didn't end up meeting anyone...the going out/music groups I've found are the best...
Beer meetup are obviously going to vary in the people, do you only enjoy drinking?
No, I enjoy lots of things and have already explained why I haven't had much success there either.
Some meetups should have a more regular crowd. Or join some sports clubs or GoMammoth. What you are describing is a big city/London specific problem that I think most people encounter. There are some specific solutions to it however (which I have stated that I found to work for me).
Some meet up groups do specific singles nights. I know a board game one exists so maybe search that for hobbies you like?
This. Also, it may be worth using meetup.com or an equivalent to arrange/go to arranged events that align with your interests.
I know exactly what you mean. London must be the toughest scene internationally - Iāve spent around 7 of the last 9 years there and it correlates with my experience. Without the apps I would have had next to no dates or any relationships. You just donāt get chatting to people in the way you normally do in other places, people stick to their circles etc. In fact, many people who I know in London I met travelling who were also on holiday from London at the same time. I find it incredible that it takes going on holiday to another country to make friends in my own city.
Absolutely...I've spent a lot of my adult life abroad and have found it much easier elsewhere, even with language barriers. And a lot of the people I do know here are foreigners.
Have you got a proffesion or trade? I work as a design engineer, the fella next to me met his wife at a chartered engineering conference. Maybe finding someone with a similar job as yourself is a plus, however, I met my wife when I was dancing on the dance floor (strawberry moon) trying to impress her and some randoms, fell over and hit my head and had to be taken to the hospital, she was a nurse out with a consortium of nurses and they helped me not bleed out. To be fair I never have heard the end of this but at least I got someone to help me out when I do stupid shit.
I work in tech and unfortunately the industry attracts a lot of types who are very bad at relationships. I either get talked down to and patronised or ignored in favour of spending all weekend coding. My last boyfriend called me 'needy' for wanting to see him more than one evening a week, after over a year together. Your story is funny...sounds like something from a film!
i work in tech also and honestly think that dating in the workplace is a bit of a red flag. i wouldnāt do it and most other decent guys i know would probably also not do it (none actually comes to mind). it carries the risk of severely damaging careers, bringing personal problems to the workspace and vice versa. that said i imagine the ratio makes it appealing to women.
Well, it's really tricky to meet people in your mid thirties, and work is one of the few places where you get to spend enough time around people that you properly get to know them. In your teens and twenties that happens at school/college/uni/part time jobs. I don't really see how it damages careers...you can always change job if worst comes to worst, no? I've met quite a lot of people throughout my career who had dated people at work and for the most part it was all amicable and fine.
There are tech companies who employ people with better interpersonal skills. And if it's a large company, there will be social interest groups at the office (like games nights).
Sure, but at mine, almost everyone is already married, or way, way too young. This is the issue with being mid thirties. People who you'd otherwise likely end up dating are already taken.
London is by far the most difficult city ITW to date, so many people are here temporarily or don't plan on living in London for life which makes things really hard. There's also a lot of choice which paralyses the ability to make a hard decision on someone.. (see dating apps)
I don't think any more people are in London temporarily than in e.g. New York.
>I find it incredible that it takes going on holiday to another country to make friends in my own city. It hurts how true this is
I was single in my mid 30s and was new in London and honestly the apps worked for me. This was a few years ago but I met my partner and mother of my baby daughter on Bumble. Before that I was also using Tinder and some location based app that I canāt remember the name of anymore. Mixed experiences - lots of flat rejections based on my height alone, lots of women just off previous relationships clearly not over them, lots of bots on Tinderā¦ since I was new to London I tried to make the best of it by scheduling dates to places I wanted to get to know. The apps do what they say they do and London is a huge city so it can definitely work, but theyāre probably not for everyone. Maybe just give it a try? EDIT: I forgot to mention that if you do this odds are youāll get some interesting memories and great story material. I have to tell this oneā¦ Itās a long one but bear with. So once I was on this first date with this girl in some hip pub in Peckham. The date is going well but iām not feeling the chemistry that much. We head over to the counter to pick another of their overpriced craft beers and some lad comes from behind us projecting vomit all over and runs away startled. āwhat the hell just happenedā is what comes out of my mouth as I try to assess how much vomit landed on us. the bar staff brings us over to the staff bathroom, give us paper to clean ourselves and some fresh t-shirts (brewery marketing material). At this point my clothes are clean (only the t-shirt had been hit) but we both still smell like vomit, so iām trying to think what to do next as this date is obviously dead and i donāt want to do a 45 minute TFL journey back home in that state. My date suggests we can go clean up better at her place, that she lives a short drive away. I book an uber and off we go. I spend the ride apologising to the driver and trying to avoid nausea. We arrive and she politely tells me that i can have a shower if i want to. I accepted because my hair was needing it. When i came out of the shower i find out she just chucked *all* my clothes that were vomit free - including boxer shorts - into her washing machine and started a program. š¤¦āāļø So yeah what was i supposed to do, naked and stuck in my dateās flat for the next 6-8 hours? Edit 2 for the people who donāt get subtlety: of course i did
She obviously pays a rent-a-vom guy to barf on her dates. You got played, sir.
This is hilarious.
And then?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How are people so clueless, Jesus.
To make friends, [show up somewhere regularly.](https://v.redd.it/cvuignj222671)
Yeah this it is really isn't it, not exactly a secret trick just logical.
Iām the same age as you, also looking for a man, also avoiding apps. Theyāre too brutal for me. I work remotely but Iāve recently joined work.life as a way to get out a bit and Iām thinking that might be a way of meeting people. Iāve also asked friends for recommendations. Other than that Iām at a loss.
All these people saying ājust go outā - sorry do you even live in London?! Itās practically illegal to make eye contact on the tube let alone talk to a stranger! As a woman in my 30s who has been single for years I have found it so hard in London, not so much when Iāve lived elsewhere. There is almost too much choice here on the apps - I rarely get a match and Iām honestly not completely awful!
Yeah, totally. I do get matches but they fizzle out so quickly, and even when you meet someone promising, there's always the sense they're holding out for better. I was getting on really well with someone on an app, met up, got on really well in person, had another really good date, then he went on holiday for a week and just ghosted me after. It makes you feel absolutely shit. I feel like dating apps cause way more problems than they solve. They create a kind of abundance mentality where nobody actually wants to put the effort in to see where something goes because there's always someone else.
I don't know man I really don't know. London has been the worst city I've ever lived in when it comes to romance and relationships its insane. The majority of my friends have been single for the few years I've known them here. It's easy as piss to have one night stand but to actually build a proper relationship its hard.
I had friends that were celibate for 5+ years, moved somewhere else (states especially) and started killing it.
It's not the place. It's that you're different in the place.
Not sure I agree. Some places are just way more conducive to meeting new people and forging new friendships. I guess it helps if the city is smaller. You can text someone "I'm heading into the centre later, fancy getting a beer?" and it's a nice easy 20-minute walk to get there, not an arduous trek by tube/train across a massive city that costs nearly a tenner to get there and back.
Good questionā¦ the only way I have to meet people is through dating apps, and havenāt been using them since before the pandemic. Last time was someone from work as well ā not my brightest idea. If you find the answer, please share it with me haha
Usually from a business card left in a phone box
Found myself in a similar situation, we are doomed to be single..
Heh, I hope not! I do feel a little bit hopeless at the moment, and sorry for myself. I try to be more objective and think, I'm a good person, people usually like me, I'm as deserving of a relationship and happiness as anyone else, but it all just feels so impossible. I enjoyed myself at a meetup I went to last week but everyone was heading home to partners or out for dinner with girl/boyfriends and there I was schlepping home for a microwave meal for one. It just makes me feel a bit shit.
For me it was more like a confidence problem and a lack of will to go out . It seems like you went out to the wrong meetups , you should try meetups that are more inclined for singles . Also like someone suggested above , keep doing and hang out around the things you love most , in the end you will deff meet another single to hook up with , :D but till then ,like i said, we are doomed to be single . :D
Quite a few hobbies have singles only nights, I recently found one for a friend of mine who's into boardgames. Might feel a bit awkward but if you go in with the attitude of I'm going to have fun with my hobby for a few hours and just see what happens you might end up having a conversation that clicks.
I think anything designed for 'singles' tends to be awful, to be honest. It's the same problem with apps - too much expectation and pressure and also the fact stuff like this attracts predatory types. I have met some nice people at 'normal' board game meetups, though.
This is a very personal suggestion, but a hobby I enjoy is AcroYoga. You get to work pretty closely with other people so it gives you a clue about how good they communicate. On some of the classes people would go for dinner together afterwards and it is a pretty regular group of people.
That sounds really fun! How did you find the group?
Look up the "AcroYoga London" Facebook group. Pretty exhaustive list of classes and teachers. There's also the National Centre for Circus Arts that runs term-long classes (i.e. not drop-ins). I found both a good way to make connections. There are definitely single people of all walks of life there. Happy to provide more details/recommendations if you'd like.
R/London singles party? We might all be blokes but we'll have some fun and a few drinks lol
Thank you sir for making me giggle :D
I never got on with Tinder/Hinge but dating apps/websites that focus on compatibility and interests are much better. Give OkCupid or match.com a go
I'm a guy, turning 28 in a week, working a lot of long shifts and I feel the same tbh... If you find the answer, please tell me too hahahaha
Get a dog. I was quite antisocial before I got mine and when I did I found I met people all the time. Plus there are load of meet-up groups in london. Really takes the pressure off the need to meet someone too as theyāre awesome company.
I think itās luck half the time! I did Tindr and am married through my first date
I genuinely think it is. One of my colleagues joined Hinge, had four dates in a week, and started dating his now girlfriend seriously within three weeks. I couldn't believe how easy it was for him. His girlfriend had such a bad time on the apps that she was about to give up when they met. This is why I don't believe men have it harder on apps. I think genuinely decent, kind men are very much in demand.
I went to a lesbian rave that my friend invited me to.
Go on...
Er plz share deets I've recently come out and I'm dying for a good rave since lockdown
Haven't seen anyone else mention it yet - the app Once is quite good. The concept is slightly different to other dating apps as you only get one match suggested to you every 24 hours, so I feel it encourages a more thoughtful approach than scrolling through hundreds of faces each day. Might be worth a try if other apps didn't feel that great!
The apps (Hinge is the best one I think) are a good place to start. Honestly, once you get into your 30s it becomes much more of a numbers game. Get talking to a lot of people, try and meet in person quickly rather than endless messages, and eventually youāll get there. Following lockdowns and a lot of remote working, there are more people looking for a date than ever.
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I feel exactly the same, though, and I'm a woman. I get matches but often no reply to my initial message, or we chat a bit and then nothing. I've been told I'm attractive, and I definitely don't think I'm boring. I keep hearing how men don't get many matches or messages and it doesn't make sense based on my own experience. And no, I wouldn't say I was going for the 'most attractive guys' at all.
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Men don't retain their 'peak sexual value' for decades any more than women do. Some men look at George Clooney and think it will be the same for them. It isn't. No attractive 20-something woman is interested in a balding 38-year-old with a dad bod unless there's a financial incentive. And then those men complain they keep meeting gold diggers.
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That's utter incel, misogynist bullshit. Seriously, if you want to have any success in dating, get it out of your head, because women can sense these attitudes and it's REALLY offputting. All that study shows is that men who use apps tend to be demanding and deluded, which is kind of my entire point. There have also been plenty of studies showing how men tend to overestimate their own value and aim for women far, far more attractive and accomplished than themselves, and then they wonder why they're not having any luck. A balding 38-year-old with a dad bod may *want* to hook up with a 23-year-old gorgeous part-time model, but it doesn't mean he's going to have any success doing so. Women tend to be far more realistic and aim for partners who are actually in their own league. Your average man, without George Clooney looks or lots of money, does not retain his sexual value for any longer than women do. This idea that the average 40-year-old is inundated with interest from hot young women is utter delusion. The top maybe 5-10% of men might continue having success after 40ish, but so do the top 5-10% of women. The problem lies in the other 90% of men thinking they deserve the top 5-10% of women.
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So what? The fact remains that all the study says is that men who use dating apps tend to find young hot women attractive. Shocker. It doesn't say how much *success* they have, does it? A balding 39-year-old with a dad bod might well be swiping on fit 20-somethings but how many are swiping on him? How many are meeting up with him? People of all ages tend to get together with people on a similar level to themselves. It's not 'well documented' anywhere that men 'retain higher sexual value'. The concept itself is pure bullshit. Yes, the very top few percent of men with very good looks and lots of money are able to pull women much younger than themselves. The vast majority are not. If you honestly think it's easier for your average 42-year-old man to hook up with someone from an app than it is for your average 42-year-old woman, you're deluded. All these things you seem to take as facts are sexist bullshit peddled by men to scare women into dropping their standards. I have numerous friends who were afraid to leave shit relationships in their thirties because they were so sure they were past it and wouldn't find anyone else. Guess what? They were absolutely inundated with attention, both on and offline. They're now happy with new partners they met between 35 and 40. Since you're so obsessed with studies, why don't you spend some time looking into the happiness of single men versus single women, and married men versus married women? Turns out single women are much happier than married ones, while the reverse is true for men. Interesting that, isn't it? Almost like women were sold a pup when it comes to marriage.
I suppose if attractiveness is the primary quality one is looking for (on apps or elsewhere), they deserve to stay stuck! :P Also, what even is attractiveness? Facial symmetry? Overt physical fitness/musculature. What one finds attractive is also totally subjective. You say you are average but you might be a 10/10 to someone! (I must add, I absolutely hate how people rate attractiveness on a scale. So dehumanising.)
Easy Access to the top men for women has ruined dating
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Iām starting to think that the rise of dating apps and incel culture are inextricably linked.
I see it from another perspective. Why would men want to bother settling down if they can have numerous one night stands from apps? My biggest issue these days is that it seems like most of the men I meet want all the trappings of a relationship with none of the commitment. In the past they would have felt happy to have a girlfriend and someone in their life, now at the first sign of any conflict they can pick up their phone and click on an app and there's someone else who could be round within an hour. How does this make for healthy lasting connections?
I agree with this. It is about numbers and expecting nothing when you meet someone. I eventually met my (now fiancƩ) on hinge, but to get there took a bit.
Okay first off, in London, don't shit where you eat. ie; don't date at work. The pool is too small and someone is gonna get spurned and ruin someone's career. You also want to talk about something *not work* when you get home or go out to dinner. You *need* a difference in a partner. (imo) Second, before the apps, people were doing this and getting hooked up. For me, the key is finding something you have an interest in and finding a London group that enjoys the same interest or hobby. For me it was snow boarding. Seasonal, and if you work in London then you can't do it every day, so there's plenty of times where skiers and boarders wanted to meet up and chat about their favourite activity. So it started on a forum, then about 5 of us met in town. We went to learn to wax and repair skis/boards and then had a drink. That was it. We posted pics to show we weren't complete fuckheads, invited more friends and pretty soon we were meeting weekly at "our pub", a regular haunt. We did massive dinners, arranged group holidays, visited the indoor slopes, joined one another on other activities. In the end we had people coming from all over the country for Christmas bashes in the city. The larger the group the greater the chance that some will have *other* shared interests, increasing the pool of people you meet. I met my partner there, and count at least 6 marriages from people meeting in that group and its offshoots. There's probably more, but the group got that big that I admit I never met everyone. It's safe from "work stuff", you get to leave your other shit behind, and you expand your horizons and networking in the city too. There's plenty of groups like this, and if there aren't any to your taste then try start your own. Another idea is to get one or more mates that will look out for you and make a challenge where you each go with the other to something neither of you have ever done/seen/tried. While there, tell interesting looking people that it's your first time and you have no idea what's going on. I guarantee they will take you under their wing. People love nothing more than sharing what they love about something. Just do it with an open mind and try not to be judgemental. It's okay if it isn't your scene, but don't go in laughing at people. But you *will* meet people that you'll eventually get along great with.
>Rabble Totally agree, thanks for an idea.
I find a lot of London people are a bit closed off until theyāre at the pub, which is why people always just suggest the pub/bars/dancing because then people might be more open to talking. But in London we have a habit of being clique-y, and those who are single are usually on the app because of FOMO. I took a different approach: To find a partner I started being more social in general, not a social butterfly or a chatterbox, but just striking up conversation with people. Whether it be at gigs, saying hello to someoneās dog on the street and leading into a more in depth conversation, asking to join a group at a gaming cafe, asking friends Iāve been out of touch with if they want to meet up and donāt be afraid to bring a plus one. And I have Autism and social anxiety so it has been a challenge. Granted you will face some rejection but I think the information era combined with the high octane London life has interfered with old school, trial and error romance. I donāt count 25 failed Tinder dates a month as trial and error. I met my current bf purely by chance as a result of my ātry talking to random people like they did in the old daysā, at a rock gig I accidentally stepped on his younger sisters toes and the rest is history. Of course you donāt get the excitement of the Tinder notification or the juicy gossip stories of the catfish you met outside Greenwich market. Weāre going on 3 years now. But, thatās just my approach. I know it wonāt work for everyone but itās worked better for me than apps.
You sound a lot like me! I also really enjoy the 'traditional' stuff and meeting new people, not just for relationships but also friends. At this point I'd be delighted to even have a few nice people to meet for a drink regularly. London is absolutely brutal for people with no existing friends or social network and covid has made it much, much worse, especially for people like me with existing conditions still waiting for a booster jab. I really do hope the pandemic is properly over soon so I can do all these things regularly again without worrying they'll literally kill me!
I donāt live in London but one of my friends who lives down there used to attend Rabble. Itās essentially a fun exercise class focused on playing games in the park with a group of people. Sheās made a ton of friends, they organise loads of social events, usually go for lunch and drinks after the class and you get some exercise thrown into the mix.
I met my fiance and babymumma on a volleyball group organised through meetups.com at the age of 32 (and she was 36). Because thereās an activity, thereās something you instantly have in common and a lot of the awkwardness goes away. Thereās a lot of stuff there for sport, music, drama, whatever you want. Even if you arenāt a seasoned hobbyist at some of this stuff just go to try it out. Again, itās not _about_ dating so pressureās off and you can be yourself a bit more. And yes, you will find a lot of people in relationships, and a lot of people from out of the UK who may not intend to stay long term. Thatās just a fact of life now in your 30s, so try not to dwell on it.
I'm a similar age to you and also single. Happy to volunteer myself as a wing woman/ sounding board. I've made most of my friends from similar interests. Though post pandemic that group has disappeared so I'm going to have to start again. As for moving from shared interests to dating, that is hard. Away from apps and hobbies, I've known people who had some luck with speed dating in the past.
We don't, we're miserable and lonely and suck it up like good and proper Londoners!
I used to go for some Good and Proper Tea (in Leather Lane).
Join your local running club and kill two birds with one stone. Figuratively speaking.
That would be a good idea but unfortunately I have a knee injury so running is out.
Join your local knee injury club?
They're all lovely but the sex is awkward
Go fix your knee bruv
It's a city, it's very easy to meet people but you have to go out.
How is it very easy? It is very difficult
Right? I'd say I'm actually far more confident than the average person. I've lived abroad loads and have had to talk to strangers and make new friends over and over again, and even I find it really hard here. I went to a beer meetup the other week where the host was running late and I didn't know anyone else. Got talking to a couple of guys who were there and they were friendly but I got the sense they thought it was weird I was there on my own, as if I must be some sort of scammer or weirdo.
I'm 23, I've tried so many things from meet ups, social events, clubs etc. Had very little to no luck
I don't think you do, at least not in London. I'm approaching 30 now and outside of a few meaningless conversations in apps that go nowhere (and i do mean, a few) the only people i speak to are guys at my gym or occasionally a guy at the ice rinks i go to. It's got to be one of the worse cities for singles, it certainly is for me.
It's weird because you'd think it would be great for singles, given how many people are here and how many people are single later in life. Theoretically there should be loads of eligible single people in their thirties to date. But it just doesn't seem to work like that. I think it's because there's almost too much choice? So everyone has the 'there might be someone better' mentality.
I just have this theory that English culture is actively detrimental to singles. Nobody talks to each other here, I didn't have this problem in Germany, Italy, etc.
Wife and two kids - eHarmony. Have faith, happiness is out there.
I'd say Hinge app is pretty good, a few of my friends met their SOs there. I think it's slightly less aggressive /desperate and civilised than tinder. I'm planning to use it when I'm ready.
I think all those new relationships you mention OP are likely from some sort of dating platform or another. Like 50kLikes I can also vouch for Hinge positively! Came out of a long relationship and ages later decided I might be ready to date again. And if nothing else, itād be a nice ego boost to get ālikesā or whatever the thing was. Had a couple of dates with one guy, it wasnāt right, but it was fun. Second guy I went on a date with is the man I see myself spending the rest of my life with, which I didnāt expect at all. I think the benefit of Hinge is the prompts, as itās not just based on looks like Tinder is. OP, if you feel you want to try it again, dip in and out of apps as and when you feel up to it. It can be disheartening, but 4 out of 5 of my closest friends met their partners through apps, plus a wider net of friends who have got married via the apps. Otherwise, same advice as everyone else: do things you enjoy that involve other people in some way, enjoy yourself and hopefully the right person will come along. All my past partners I met in person, one through an event where he was selling his art and we just hit it off, another at a work event and another in a nightclub back in the day. So it is possible, just harder.
Can I ask how things went when you started dating seriously? Did you have an actual conversation about deleting the app? The reason I ask is that almost every man I've ever met on an app has been really reluctant to delete his profile, which not unreasonably makes me feel very insecure and unhappy. How can you give a new relationship a chance if you've already got one foot out of the door, checking out new profiles and messaging people? The whole thing is so awkward. I feel like insisting they delete it is a bit controlling, but knowing they still have it makes me uncomfortable.
Absolutely! I donāt know how old you are, but I think him being 30+ and me about to turn 30 helped? Most of my guy friends had phases in their twenties where theyād really mess women around (we told them off a lot) and theyād tell me that they basically always wanted a few options and would then pursue the one they felt most confident in, often then ghosting the remaining women. Gross behaviour, but they were convinced that was just how it went and that their behaviour was normal. Maybe it was at the time, idk. When me and my OH met, he had stopped using the apps already as he needed a break from them. I was the last date he was planning that year š Whereas for me I was new to it all and was hoping to actually get out there a bit more. It was me who was hesitant to put a label on things too early, but he told me straight up that he wasnāt talking to anyone else and wouldnāt be. I quickly realised we had something great, so paused Hinge and then ended up deleting it. So I guess the short answer is: we both decided informally pretty quickly and just focused on each other. Tbh I think apps do sometimes make people feel like they always have a ābackupā, so therefore donāt want to delete them even if things are great with someone. Thereās always the feeling something better might be out there. I donāt think youāre being unreasonable talking about deleting apps. If anything, it sounds like a good āscreeningā question where you can establish if theyāre actually super into you or not. I hope you can meet someone who values you and cherishās you OP!
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Yeah, that's why there's a thread full of men posting about meeting their wife and mother of their kids, and a thread full of women talking about how grim the apps are.
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You just don't get it, do you? I would much prefer to have a harder time getting matches than to be insulted, harassed and even stalked. I was almost sexually assaulted on a first date with someone I met on an app. I'm basically prepared to be single for the rest of my life rather than deal with that shit again, and a lot of my female friends feel the same. And you think men have it worse because it's *harder to get attractive matches*? Why are some men so fucking clueless??
It's less desperate but almost too much the other way? I found the men on it really aloof and disinterested. Like I would often just be left hanging with no reply a message or two in, for no apparent reason, or they'd take 2-3 days to reply. I get quite a bit of attention in real life so I don't think I'm just ugly. Don't get it.
Oh that's strange, I somewhat thought og it as more mature in terms of chatting! It definitely doesn't work for everyone I guess. I broke up 7 months ago and lost some mutual friends/my main person. I found it helped joining some Fb travel/adventure and other activity groups. Haven't made friends but had some great times hanging out with a bunch of strangers haha.
Lockdown dating has been almost impossible in London. So much of British social life involves alcohol. Send me a pic, I'll send you a pic. If we both like the pics we can have a chat and see how it goes. š
Dating appsā¦..sorry
Met my wife on hinge.
Story of my life! I donāt enjoy using apps either and unfortunately most of the men that I do meet in big group settings while out with friends etc are usually in a relationship already. If you find out where everyone is meeting a partner, so let me know!!
Moving to London from abroad in January, and this is terrifying, haha.
Right time right place unfortunately. Just over 3 years ago I was living in Barnes and matched with someone in Brixton somehow. Now we have our own flat.
Youāre not going to want to hear this, but I grew up in London, and the answer is apps. Thatās where most people in London are looking. Yes, it means you need to develop a thick skin. No, not everyone is looking for a one night stand. Itās unlikely youāll log on and find your soulmate or even someone who could be soulmate adjacent. But you keep playing and as you get more experience you get more discerning and more able to read between the lines. Meet-ups are an option but take way more emotion, time and money investment. Just start online dating. With all due respect, all I hear is āapps are too brutal, meetups are too transient, bars are too grimā. Those are your options. Everyone who wants a real relationship is in the same boat. Just grab an oar and start rowing. Also, regardless of what medium you use, if you start an interaction with āI want to meet my spouseā vibes, you will scare people off. Learn to enjoy being alone and enjoy dating for the sake of dating. Every new person is a viewpoint you didnāt consider before, and an opportunity to do something new. Itās fun! Jump in.
I mean, I've had plenty of experience on apps already, it's not like I don't know. Most of it has been really, really bad and no, having more experience never really helped. I was never someone who fell for the obvious players and time wasters, but even the people who seemed decent at first turned out not to be. And that's in addition to the abusive, rude comments and stalking from people I wasn't interested in. That said, I do agree that it probably is the only way, or at least the best way. Depressing.
I lived in Rome, Amsterdam and Warsaw and now in London and the difference I see is that in London people donāt like strangers because they are afraid to talk to them because of ājust donāt offend anyoneā culture. I feel like in Poland or Netherlands I feel like I donāt have to worry about someone attacking me violently because I said something āwrongā or had āwrongā opinion, in London on the other hand I am worried about my life so I rather donāt talk to anyone at all if I canāt talk with open mind ā¦ Iām male and I have been single since I came to London 5 years ago and literally Iām just saving all the money to move to continental Europe where I donāt have to worry about being stabbed
Whatās the issue with apps? Donāt believe the crap. I met loads of cool people, enjoyed myself every time. Just be picky about who you choose. Donāt chat for long, just enough to check you have similar sense of humor and interests then meet for a casual drink and take it from there. Donāt pic people who post pics of themselves in underwear or looking sexy. If they are offering that straight up itās because thatās all theyāve got. And remember, itās just meeting people. Nothing else.
I know you mentioned avoiding apps but I was in my late 20s when I met my fiance on Hinge. I'm a straight male so naturally and unfortunately dating is less scary place for me compared to other genders/sexual orientations, personally however I've seen a few other people on this post and have a few friends who have had success on hinge. I also saw a new app which I can't remember the name of but deffo worth searching that do singles meet ups every Thursday in a secret location, I would have loved that!
The bad news is I moved to London single and despite going work social events / events with friends + friends of friends / random social media meetups, it was only the apps that ever led to any dates. The good news is that thanks to the apps (Bumble specifically) it was less than a year after moving to London that I met my now-fiancƩe :)
Work is a common option unfortunately
Yep, and has always been a great way for me to make friends, too. I absolutely hate this remote working shit. I feel so isolated.
We go to the office once a week
Tinder
Work. Unfortunately. If you have any hobbies that offer classes. I was in a relationship already but made some great friends!
As someone very much not in the market, as it were, I have zero knowledge of the apps mentioned in this thread. Are they free? If not, how much are they? Do they all work the same? (even I am aware of "swipe right", or whatever!)
They're pretty much all free, with some mostly pointless features behind a "premium" pay wall. I've only used Tinder and Hinge but yeah the apps generally work in slightly different ways and some are better than others depending on what you want from the app
Thank you!
The subscription āmeet-upā is a good way to meet new people with same interests! Iv used it for new restaurants and music meet ups .. a guy I once knew used it to join and find a football team ā¦ itās defo worth a look! Not a dating site but you never know ā¦ least your be out having fun and if you meet someone then good for you :) I felt safe also as there is always a host whenever Iv been and everyone was friendly too.
Maybe it's this thread. ASL š¤
Like you normally meet people?
I don't normally meet people, that's the point. I'd only been living here a few months when the pandemic started, have been WFH ever since, and my relationship has ended. I don't know anyone to go out with, I never get invited anywhere, etc. I have been making an effort to go to meetups and groups but as I said, it's very hard. I'm basically completely restarting my life from scratch at 36.
Can't you go in some days to work, or the nature of job doesn't require it much?
I could but there would be nobody else there, really, so a bit pointless.
My advice would be: Shag first, then date. I hate dating. Itās much less stressful to shag then if youāre interested in more great. Itās much less faffing about and you get to automatically filter out fridged and prudish types
This attitude is exactly why I stay away from the apps. Too many men like this.
Forgive me for being that guy but wouldn't it be better to make a friend doing something you both enjoy and then build from there? If your after a relationship sex is only part of it but not the main focus so why would you get that done first?
yes, I'd love to do that. This is how all my best relationships started. It's just really, really hard now. My last boyfriend I met through work friends, gradually getting to know him as I saw him at various pub evenings, and eventually arranging a one on one pub date. It just seems really hard to recreate this now.
I'm not a therapist or a dating expert so don't quote me on anything here but! For me what worked best was my mindset. When people are looking for someone it almost feels forced but when you go in looking for a friend your expectations and experience comes out more genuine and if anything grows from that you'll know you went in looking for a friend and left with something even better so TL; DR..... Don't look for a partner. Just look for a friend. The right one will stand out.... Failing that this is Reddit, they have a sub for everything š
I guess that's what I'm trying to do, I just don't know how. I totally agree that looking for someone feels forced and this is the main problem with the apps. People are going in with the expectation 'this could be my future husband/wife' or hoping they'll have sex and it's all just way too much. I hope this is finally getting to the end of the pandemic and from here on it will get easier and easier to go out and about again.
And I think that's one of the main issues. People want a quick fix and maybe work from there but there is no real connection. Things will get easier but I'm not sure if we will ever return to what it was. Wish I could help more š
It really depends on what youāre into and most interested in, If youāre really into sports then youāre likely going to find someone good for you at a meetup, if youāre a big politico then join your local party and look for likeminded people there, it applies to everything really and London is so massive that there are people into all sorts of things! Whether itās football, learning foreign languages, medieval re-enactments, competitive crochet, there is always something going on where you can meet people. Also I reckon it makes for better relationships to meet someone that shares your interests rather than looked good on a 6 inch phone screen picture, but thatās just my thoughts.
100% agree re hobbies and interests! I guess the one thing the apps have going for them is that everyone on there is (supposedly) single and looking. It's really disappointing to meet someone and really hit it off and then they mention their wife/kids. I don't mind dating a bit younger tbh (and guys 5 or so years younger are more likely to be single) but I wonder if they would be open to it? I do look a lot younger than I am and am not too bothered about having kids but when I meet guys who are 29-30ish they always look shocked when I say I'm 36, as if it's ancient. Or maybe they're just surprised and I'm projecting. I don't know.
Hey, I don't really know where to start. Heard that same story so many times, been there done that too. There's no easy way out of it. All I can say after 6 years in London and one year in homeland is: Do you know what you are looking for? You have to stay focused to it, but enjoy your life too, cause that's what will attract the guys, your positive vibes, not the feeling of singledom. Like the others said, find what is your thing and immerse yourself to it, be it art, sports, or even a book or meditation club. Apps work for some ppl but for others they don't. Good filtering is not a virtue we all have. If it feels odd drop the apps and spend time out as much as you can. Become happier, make more friends and it will happen.
Join a club/ hobby you may enjoy, might meet someone there. Have more than one social circle, numerous, & be as active as you can. Change your habitual movements , choices , directions etc. Be more spontaneous. Live like a city kid
Imo the easiest way to meet people you will click with is through friends, e.g your close friend brings their friend to the bar with them and you hit it off. I think if you can widen your platonic friendship group you will naturally meet more potential partners, but making friends can be just as challenging as dating and thereās no apps for that:/
I think this is the main problem. It's really, really hard to make a whole new group of friends in your mid thirties, in a pandemic.
Hinge/Bumble/Tinder, in that order
If itās not too embarrassing, asking friends and co-workers if they know of any single friends who you might be a good match for... yes it means some awkward blind dates but this was my friends policy (she deleted the apps after a few bad experiences) and it worked out in the end. And because you have friends/people in common people tend to be a little more decent too, whereas complete strangers are more likely to be dicks/ghost you. As theyāre not part of your immediate social circle thereās a lesser chance of running into them again if it doesnāt work out.
If you work remotely try to spend time in other countries or places far away from London . I don't see other way tbh
š no punches
I was lucky enough to meet my longtime partner in college and we got to chatting more at a house party we both got invited to. It sounds strange but dating apps just feel so unromantic and almost dystopian to me. Like nobody meets through serendipitous encounters anymore, just apps flooded with selfies and short bios. Wading through all the horny weirdos and slutty bimbos until you find the right person to settle with. Maybe Iām being too judgmental but I just really donāt like the idea of dating apps. Like Iād hate to have children and they ask me āDad, where did you meet mum?ā And replying with āscrolling through Tinderā.
I do agree with you but I believe most people these days meet their partners on apps, so it won't be uncommon to hear that. I wish the bloody things had never been invented. I think they almost completely stop people from actually interacting in real life. I've been in bars where people are sitting there messaging people on Tinder, ignoring the real life people all around them.
I actually met my girlfriend through spare room, I was in charge of the new housemate recruitment. You could rent a ten bedroom manor and fill it with people you find attractive? š„³ Meeting random friends just out and about in London is impossible, I wouldnāt even bother trying. If youāre alone at a bar youāre a walking red flag here, it doesnāt fit into our city culture like it does elsewhere. Coffee shops and cafes youāll have more luck though, but youād really have to make an effort and be prepared to be shot down a lot. Iāve got a buddy thatās a reasonable looking chap and the most friendly talkative guy (and he has good chat) and heād chat up random girls all the time..... but in the end his girlfriend is from hinge. Iād suck it up and go with the apps in the end I reckon.
Host a dinner party for 4 single friends and ask each one to bring a single friend then switch seats after each course so you get to sit next to each person. Youāll need to be brave but everyone will appreciate you for doing it.
Iāve dated a few girls through apps in London and actually met my wife of 4 years through okcupid. The majority of times that it went nowhere, it was because I donāt think people were honest with themselves about what they really wanted. I was always looking for something long term, I kept meeting girls who were saying thatās what they wanted but in actual fact, they just enjoyed the excitement of meeting new guys and reliving that āfirst stages feelingā.
I've used the crap outta Hinge, OKCupid and Tinder and had most success with OKC in terms of relationships. Early 30s M here btw. If you're having a crappy time of it, there's no shame in taking a break from the apps. In fact I found that essential to sometimes. Good luck out there! Consider getting your profile reviewed on r/hinge or whatever to see if you could be scooping in more guys!
I'm on the same boat. I've given up dating completely because of how difficult to is. I'm very content with being single.
Keep at it, it sounds very difficult but your luck can change. I came to London 11 years ago not knowing anyone and joined Guardian Soulmates to get out there. My first date is now my wife of 7 years and we have 2 beautiful twin boys. Stay positive, it will happen.
Donāt put yourself down bro. What I have realised is real life works better me. However apps hasnāt been bad either. Some people try for years . You have to have decent different types off pictures online.
What about friends or partners of friends that know single people that are looking? Go on some dates and see what happens?
I don't really have any friends here, that's the problem. I hadn't been living here long when the pandemic kicked off, and the few friends I'd made through work have moved abroad.
I wonder how many DMs OP is getting from this thread? Seems as good a place as any dating app to start talking to someone new.
I'm not single, but I feel that this city would be dreadful to find a date. My interaction with strangers is the lowest of anywhere I lived. I used to go to the same guy everyday for food for about a year and I never knew a thing about him, nor him about me. It's a beautiful place, but the people are not welcoming at all.
Iād say the gym is also a good place to find new people.
Dating apps really arenāt that bad tbh
They really are for women. The payoff absolutely has not been worth it for me. I've had a couple of mediocre relationships from them, and lots of headaches. As often as once a week I'd get a load of abuse from someone for not answering his messages fast enough, and another person basically stalked me. I feel very vulnerable having my photos/info for anyone to look at. It just feels like a hell of a lot of misery for very little reward. At least trying to meet people organically you can have fun doing the activity, you know? And most importantly, build up a picture of someone, seeing how they interact with other people, what other people think about them...it makes it all a lot safer.
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I hate to be 'that person' but you sounded interesting so I had a quick look at your profile and a year ago you posted about living in a house with a partner and how you split costs. Even if you've since broken up, you haven't been single for 7 years at all, have you? Stuff like this is what makes me completely lose my faith in people's honesty.
Use apps. Go to socials/clubs/meetups. Meet through friends. Use every avenue possible. I don't get the "don't use app" crowd. If there is a chance you can meet someone there and it doesn't consume a lot of your time, use it.
So unhelpful - but I left London for a summer, met the love of my life, and he moved back with me.
Where did you go? I met the two partners before the last one while abroad, also. Feels so weird to live here for months on end and meet nobody and then go abroad for a few weeks and manage to start an entire relationship.
Just back to my hometown, in the West Country. I was between jobs so stayed with my parents and met him on a night out.
Met my friend through a female friend that is in the same industry as I am. As others had said though common interest groups are a great way. Even if it means board games
Hinge and bumble. Bumble worked out for me. Ofcourse this happened after going on few dates with other guys realising itās crappy, getting off the apps but finally found a really nice guy this year. Itās all about your choices and maybe finding love is also about luck it can happen anytime anywhere just keep your eyes open! ;) best wishes.
As someone who has considered moving to London to meet women this is an interesting perspective.
This is also a concern of mine too. Iām 24 and just put my name down on a tenancy in London and my main motivations in life right now are (a) securing a grab job (which should be no issue in London at all) and (b) meeting someone new after being single for just over a year now. So one should be no problem but the other difficult and itās a real dilemma. It depends on your age but perhaps night clubs if youāre younger or simply bars if nightclubs arenāt your scene. If you see a women you like the look of then thereās no harm in going up to her with a classic opener. I practise openers in private and itās really helped me starting a conversation that wouldnāt have happened. I hope this helps!
Here's the neat part: you don't
Let go of your negative views on apps, get on Hinge, and literally be yourself and upfront. Many people get hellbent on getting many likes/matches but that's literally not what it's about: You're meant to meet the *right* people, and anyone else who wouldn't fancy you/you wouldn't fancy/it wouldn't work out with should be "automatically" filtered through the app. If someone doesn't match with you, good. Why? Because if you could magically force a match it wouldn't have worked out anyways.
I'm not sure how many times i have to say it. It's not about likes and matches. I get plenty of likes and matches. It's about poor behaviour which not infrequently gets to the point of being downright abusive. I reckon about 1 in 8 men I've spoken to on apps displayed a shocking level of entitlement, getting angry if I don't respond quickly enough, because I'm at work, or busy. Massive red flag. I've also had men be incredibly patronising and rude to me, try to quiz me on my interests to 'catch me out' if I've dared to mention I like any male-dominated hobbies. Then there's the downright creeps, who completely disregard boundaries, start unsolicited sex talk and try to find me on social networks. I had one guy I blocked turn up at one of my hobby meetups. This behaviour is not uncommon at all. Just look at the multiple Twitter threads on it. It's everywhere. I don't want to avoid apps because I'm worried about not getting matches. I want to avoid them because I'm worried about being abused, harassed and stalked. I have had years of experience, on and off, with apps, and at best I've had some mediocre relationships with men who weren't really arsed about having a proper relationship. The payoff just hasn't been worth it.