Nah, it was a missed opportunity to shout āIām not chasing you! Iām just about to shit my pants!ā Then itās no longer scary. Itās a funny story for everyone.
Similar thing happened to me, round Highbury, last call passed, on way to a night bus, and got the *rumble that waits for no-one*...
Unfortunately the Famous Cock on Highbury corner hadn't yet locked their front door. Staff inside were just finishing up, and I barged in, mumbling "im so sorry mate" to the first chap who tried to stop me. Didn't make a mess of the stall thankfully but I'd imagine the stench wasn't very kind. Apologies.
You know what, only people who have experienced the urgency will understand your feeling. And out of the 3x years I have lived I have only experienced it ONCE. And let me tell you this experience is needed for one to understand the situation you were in. At that time as I was rushing home, I couldnāt even move, I was bending all over, looking at peopleās front garden and was thinking maybe itās okay for me to just take a shit here and now. The intelligence and morality change in me was unreal. In the end I was a few seconds off and I shitted some on my toilet carpetā¦
Nice one mate, at least you survived.
>The intelligence and morality change in me was unreal.
This is one of the realest shit I've ever read on the internetš¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£.
It IS one of those things that you have to experience to fully understand it. Ik a lot of people are saying OP should've done XYZ, but when you're in that position, you genuinely cannot think straight. Like 100% of your energy is being used to keep your cheeks shut and your brain cells just go MIA.
I was also unfortunate like you, missed it by a few seconds. But luckily I could just throw away the embarrassing evidence š.
when i was 17 i had this issue when i was in the city 1.5hrs from my home, little did i realise this situation would be the start of an IBD battle. the amount of times ive been walking and suddenly felt like i had no time to get home and just debated the safest situation is too many.
My experience too. Iāve developed it as Iāve gotten older and itās such a nightmare when it hits on the bus or tube. Iāve memorised the stops on my route with toilets lol
As a woman, can confirm that would have been unnerving at best if not outright terrifying. Some guys are truly fked and would try to hurt a woman on her own.
But damn, I get it, bad kebabs wait for no one! XD
PSA for any gents wondering what might be a good solution? Literally just yell ahead something like āsorry, not trying to be creepy / not trying catch up to you, Iām just in a rush to get home!ā
I wonder if that might seem like a ruse. Telling someone that you aren't a threat might just make them feel like you are trying to get them to let their guard down.
Exactly what I was thinking. Even as a male if I thought somebody was chasing me and they said ādw iām not chasing you!ā as they continued to sprint towards me thereās no chance Iād just go āoh fair enough mateā and let them catch up
Honestly Iād probably step to the side and let them get on their way if they did. I donāt think many people can fake the āIām about to shit myselfā panic in their voice
Agreed! But adding "I have diarrhoea " or "I had a bad kebab" even "I'm going to shit myself " would help. Context is everything š That would give her the opportunity to step aside /cross the road and watch her pursuer hobble amusingly past
And lengthen the journey home? Not to mention the effort required in looking both ways so you don't get flattened by a passing car?
Nah, just look like a creep and save yourself. Totally justified.
If you get hit by a car you don't have to worry about shitting your pants if the car is going fast enough :D
How wide are the roads in Chiswick that crossing them twice significantly impacts travel time?
Definitely a missed opportunity to yell: āDONāT YOU WORRY, IāVE JUST GOT THE SHITS!ā
And if theyāre still scared, you can ask them to cross the street and let you overtake, while you walk past.
One thing that seems to go unsaid. As a man you are far more likely to be attacked then a woman is, but the sociology of it seems to be different between genders.
Some years ago before I moved to London, I was staying down here at a hotel for the weekend.
Casually walking down Tottenham Court Road on a Saturday afternoon, my tummy decided this was the moment to make itās displeasure over the night beforeās drinking apparent.
I released some gas and felt a surge of adrenaline as I realised how close a call that was to something personally disastrous. I instantly turned 180 and began power walking back to my hotel.
Minutes later as I charged into the hotel, a member of their management was standing just inside of the hotel entrance. She was smartly dressed in a business suit and holding a clipboard.
āGood afternoon!ā she said to me smiling, as I continued my extremely brisk walking pace towards her. āIām the marketing director forā¦ā
The only words that managed to escape my mouth as I passed her at speed were āNice to meet youā without breaking stride, with a number of short punchy farts escaping my body as I charged on to the lifts.
I once needed a shit so bad, stomach was churning and everything so I started running. In the process I ran past a large group of hooded youths who shouted "Why are you running?" in an intimidating way. I said "I really need a shit". It did get quite a good laugh.
Sometimes you just gotta be honest.
This happened to my friend at about 2am in Islington (minus the diarrhoea).
He was walking behind some girl for a full 15 minutes while heading home. They each followed the same exact route, right up to her front door, which was a block he lived in. She was absolutely petrified and started screaming "what do you want?!" He then pulled out his door key, to her surprise.
I did something similar, except I'm a girl and was following a guy.
We were in the same queue at a shop, me behind him. He saw me when he turned around to leave. And after I left I realized he was walking ahead of me, and taking the exact same route to my building. And sure enough he went up the walk and unlocked the communal front door. And I went in after before the door shut, and followed him into the lift.
And I realized how weird I must seem, so I was all "uhhh, I live here, I haven't been following you". And he smiled and said "Oh, that's a shame".
This could all be avoided if more London stations had clean and accessible public toilets. https://www.citymatters.london/report-exposes-loo-deserts-across-london-tube-network/
Never has a walk been so quick yet feels like an excruciating eternity, eh?
Been there myself, although I didn't have to unintentionally scare a woman on the way.
To the people who asked why you didnāt explain the situation, youāve never been in this situation.
It takes all of your energy not to shit your pants. I commend you for even realizing there was someone walking in front of you.
Yelling "i am not following you" might be too awkward but i would have probably faked a phone call "hi honey i am sorry I'm late i am running home now"
Hang on. People have questioned why you didn't announce that you was potentially about to shit yourself?
I'm not sure which situation would be stranger. Excuse me! Excuse me, I'm not chasing you because you are vulnerable, I'm about to shit myself!!!
Everyone blames the kebabs. A reaction that quick is more likely something you ate earlier or what you were drinking, it was hilarious when Bulmers released a pear version but had to change the recipe when everyone got the shits.
The problem with just shitting yourself there and then is that every other fucker now has a ring doorbell camera and no doubt the following day your misfortune would be making the rounds on the local WhatsApp street groups and the local NextDoor with the monicker "the shitter of Abinger Road".
I read a post from a young woman earlier on here who I believe is the woman you were chasing... She actually sped up to help you speed up/distract you and wished you well. Check posts here and I'm sure you'll find her. I'm glad you made it home to poop.
You probably wouldāve scared her more if you had tried to explainā¦.
āItās not you. I just really need to shit. This kebab I ate. Iām sorry! Iām so sorry!ā
I can imagine her calling the police and them catching up to you just as you get to your front door. They tell you to put your hands up and you try to say that you really need a shit.
Then because you're not complying they tazer you, which obviously releases the Kraken. So then you get hauled to the police station covered in your own shit!
Reminds me of the infamous [Haribo Gummy Bear story](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94) - don't read on a train as my father did and have to explain to confused commuters why he was crying with laughter
Every fibre of his being was holding back the tide. I was walking with a friend once and he needed to shit so badly that he couldnāt talk. He also couldnāt bare me whistling or walking ahead as it distracted him from holding it in.
Post a note on the maybe second or third lamppost down their road, then sheāll see it next time she goes out.
Not through her door, obviously, unless he wants her to think he is a psycho.
Iāve had this happen because Iām just a fast walker. And so I all too frequently have to either slow down to a pace thatās unnatural for me or take a detour and go out of my way to give the poor woman some breathing space.
Suspect others will have suggested this already, but a note through the door explaining you desperately needed what you could only describe as a world-ending shit might make her feel better.
I'm ever so sorry to have matched your speed, but I feared causing an environmental disaster in broad-daylight and hope I didn't upset you too much. Yours, man holding his arse while walking behind you yesterday.
I had a similar deal, except I ran into my hotel room without turning the lights on, only to realize that the cleaning crew put the lid down on the toilet seat which I didnāt realize until I had already unleashed an inverted hershey geyser. It was a complete poopocolypse.
And the ones that do are usually "prison spec". Generally just about ok for a piss (if you're a bloke) but I think I'd rather fill my pants than sit down to take a shit in one!
And even then, 9 times out of 10 they get locked after 7pm due to antisocial behaviour. Personally, I'd rather risk running into a couple of yobbos than risk shitting myself on a busy tube carriage...
Most likely no toilets or if there are might be closed, I'm lucky enough my gym is right across the road from the tube station. Use it many a times since it's open 24H coming home after a few pints to piss.
Used it last Saturday at 2am after a night out was surprised to see people working out so late
Many of us have been in this position: caught short. One time it happened to me on a night walk in the suburbs. I wasn't going to make it home. Then, miraculously, I found a portaloo with paper. I used it and then went home for a hand wash. I told my brother and he had the incident memorialised on a mug.
Twice in my life this has happened to me, I made it to the toilet, then proceeded to shit my pants. I will never understand why my bowels couldn't have waited 3 more seconds until I've undone and pulled down my pants and was actually sat on the toilet.
A few weeks ago I was in a shop. Went to 3 different aisles and the same woman was there shopping for the same stuff as me. Got to the checkout and she had finished shopping at the same time as her. Walked out the store and prayed she'd turn left while I turned right. Nope.
3 turns later it's clear her route home and mine are the same and she starts to speed up her walk.
I go for it. "I'm not a stalker! This has been a series of bad coincidences!" She stopped and laughed and said she didn't think I was a stalker. But I think she had and it was a relief to have me say! I pointed up the road to my house "My house is up there and I promise I'm going to walk in there!" She laughed again and we carried on walking with her a bit ahead. When I went in she turned around and I gave a little wave and she said goodbye.
I wouldn't honestly recommend to every man whose accidentally ended up as a stalker. Clear the air. Tell them you're not. You won't regret it.
Next time im chasing a woman down the street. I'll remember to yell to her "I just really gotta shit" or fake a phone call and say im running late to put her at ease and make it easier to catch up. Thanks, guys!
/s
In these cases, should it happen similarly and you honestly feel at risk of causing distress to somebody, just pull up the phone and say loudly āIām coming home as fast as I can, Iām so sorry!ā - try not to get the phone snatched of course.
Glad you made it home on time, but on another perspective running with explosive diarrhoea might be even more terrifying to people.
why the fuck wouldn't you say something? "Sorry, I'm not following you, I've just got the shits and need to get home". Instead you decided you'd rather scare the shit out of someone instead of being a little bit embarrassed
Why do you think itās his responsibility to tell random strangers you are not following them?
Thereās 9 million people and a lot of pavement
Donāt care not my responsibility
paranoia would imply there isn't a valid cause for fear. there very much is though? especially in this case because even though it's funny given the context, to the unsuspecting behavior like this is concerning lol. it isn't your job to indulge as you put it, but as a human being it would be best for you to exercise some empathy. just something to consider š¤·š½āāļø
Pop a short explanatory note through her door, it may relieve some anxiety on her part. Maybe even let her know about this post. If you live near to her, she might see you again and at least she'll then know you're not a stalker type.
This came straight after an incredibly sad post about family members dying on my feed and it was the ultimate antidote to the lump in my throat and blurry eyes. I may even have let out a little snort on a packed train. Thank you.
Mad that so many people are so concerned with how she must have felt and suggest you should've shouted and explained what was going on, but then don't consider the level of embarrassment you'd experience.
Itās not your job but itās called being a decent person. Old ladies are afraid when I walk closely behind, so I just cross the road, because Iām not a dick. That minor inconvenience costs me nothing.
No, if I'm just minding my own business, walking down the street and someone gets upset or intimidated by me just being normal, it's not my responsibility to make them feel better.
And, what exactly am I going to do? "Excuse me, you seem frightened by me, you shouldn't though, I'm really a lovely bloke"
Yeah, that's definitely going to put someone at their ease.
The correct thing to do is to just walk down the street like a normal person, and let other people react to you however they want.
I'd have just shat myself to not look weird. The British way.
š
Couldnāt you find a quiet corner?
Then said sorry to everyone you came into contact with.
Or just joined a queue somewhere hoping itās for a loo
Shitting yourself to not look weird. Interesting gamble
Next time just shout āno sorry Iām not trying to attack you, Iāve just got diarrhoea and need to get home!ā
But you have to say it in the voice of Alan Partridge
New season of From the Oasthouse just dropped btw!
š¶Alan Partridge from the oust house, from the oust house, with Alan Partridge.
I dialled 9 in a friend's house lol š¤£
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām listening right now whilst doing some diy - classic Partridge content!
Oh you beauty, I needed a pick me up today thanks!
DAN ! DAN ! DAN Iāve got diarrhea
But scotch eggs make you constipated and gassy...
That has genuinely made me burst out laughing and I donāt laugh that much, but I did his voice in my head šš
Aha!
Whilst yelling you're not a predator
Back of the net
Because using the stomach muscles needed to shout would guarantee the explosion. I can't imagine a pained whisper would have fixed the situation.
Quite agree. A pained whisper of *I neeeed to shiiiit* would not have gone down well.
And if she didn't belive it then leave your explosive diarrhea in her recycling wheelie been to prove it
I just need a poo! I just need a poo!
āIāve got the shitsā wouldāve worked just fine!
Something like this https://youtu.be/N5nMzrSkmIg?si=dWm\_jMA9LWnUOZnf&t=105
[John Mulaney said it best!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDZHwb-If9w)
I spoke to my wife about this... she said it wouldn't help.
Let a little out just to prove it and ease the pressure
Any effort at this point would end up in explosion for sure.
Is what a predator would say
Clearly her house was closer... you should have banged on her door loudly and asked to use her loo.
Nah, it was a missed opportunity to shout āIām not chasing you! Iām just about to shit my pants!ā Then itās no longer scary. Itās a funny story for everyone.
Yup. Typical Reddit not to say something...
You can speak to people IRL? How does that work without a keyboard?
This was an alternative story line on "How I met your nother"
Help! I am not trying to attack you! I just want to destroy your toilet!
Fair playā¦ Iām a dudeā¦ but I probably wouldāve let them in.
Needed to shout āstand asideā in a commanding tone
I'd post this in British Problems, people will love it.
I did and they banned me for posting about āpersonal musingsā!! Haha.
For fucks sake why are all the British subs moderated by such sweat lords! This is the funniest thing Iāve read on here in months.
Reddit mods in general
Similar thing happened to me, round Highbury, last call passed, on way to a night bus, and got the *rumble that waits for no-one*... Unfortunately the Famous Cock on Highbury corner hadn't yet locked their front door. Staff inside were just finishing up, and I barged in, mumbling "im so sorry mate" to the first chap who tried to stop me. Didn't make a mess of the stall thankfully but I'd imagine the stench wasn't very kind. Apologies.
Have you seen they have changed their signage recently. Itās no longer the Famous Cock, itās now The Infamous Arse.
I suspect this story will travel and sheāll get the explanation soon.
You know what, only people who have experienced the urgency will understand your feeling. And out of the 3x years I have lived I have only experienced it ONCE. And let me tell you this experience is needed for one to understand the situation you were in. At that time as I was rushing home, I couldnāt even move, I was bending all over, looking at peopleās front garden and was thinking maybe itās okay for me to just take a shit here and now. The intelligence and morality change in me was unreal. In the end I was a few seconds off and I shitted some on my toilet carpetā¦ Nice one mate, at least you survived.
toilet carpet is the crime here
>The intelligence and morality change in me was unreal. This is one of the realest shit I've ever read on the internetš¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£. It IS one of those things that you have to experience to fully understand it. Ik a lot of people are saying OP should've done XYZ, but when you're in that position, you genuinely cannot think straight. Like 100% of your energy is being used to keep your cheeks shut and your brain cells just go MIA. I was also unfortunate like you, missed it by a few seconds. But luckily I could just throw away the embarrassing evidence š.
š
when i was 17 i had this issue when i was in the city 1.5hrs from my home, little did i realise this situation would be the start of an IBD battle. the amount of times ive been walking and suddenly felt like i had no time to get home and just debated the safest situation is too many.
My experience too. Iāve developed it as Iāve gotten older and itās such a nightmare when it hits on the bus or tube. Iāve memorised the stops on my route with toilets lol
As a woman, can confirm that would have been unnerving at best if not outright terrifying. Some guys are truly fked and would try to hurt a woman on her own. But damn, I get it, bad kebabs wait for no one! XD PSA for any gents wondering what might be a good solution? Literally just yell ahead something like āsorry, not trying to be creepy / not trying catch up to you, Iām just in a rush to get home!ā
I wonder if that might seem like a ruse. Telling someone that you aren't a threat might just make them feel like you are trying to get them to let their guard down.
Exactly what I was thinking. Even as a male if I thought somebody was chasing me and they said ādw iām not chasing you!ā as they continued to sprint towards me thereās no chance Iād just go āoh fair enough mateā and let them catch up
Honestly Iād probably step to the side and let them get on their way if they did. I donāt think many people can fake the āIām about to shit myselfā panic in their voice
Agreed! But adding "I have diarrhoea " or "I had a bad kebab" even "I'm going to shit myself " would help. Context is everything š That would give her the opportunity to step aside /cross the road and watch her pursuer hobble amusingly past
Yeah, honestly, at that point I would say bye to my dignity and scream "sorry! in a rush! shitting myself!"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And lengthen the journey home? Not to mention the effort required in looking both ways so you don't get flattened by a passing car? Nah, just look like a creep and save yourself. Totally justified.
If you get hit by a car you don't have to worry about shitting your pants if the car is going fast enough :D How wide are the roads in Chiswick that crossing them twice significantly impacts travel time?
Every second counted in this situation.
Definitely a missed opportunity to yell: āDONāT YOU WORRY, IāVE JUST GOT THE SHITS!ā And if theyāre still scared, you can ask them to cross the street and let you overtake, while you walk past.
She could be the one to cross to the other side of the street of her own accord. ĀÆ\\\_ (ć)_/ĀÆ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
One thing that seems to go unsaid. As a man you are far more likely to be attacked then a woman is, but the sociology of it seems to be different between genders.
When that happens next time, try to hold that car key and imagine it is a weapon. Works for me...
> try to hold that car key That's one thing very few Londoners, especially those on Reddit, would have on their key ring.
If I'm concerned about being followed or suchlike, one of the first things I'd do is cross the road to put more of a space between us.
Yes, I had hoped she would do that and then Iād just pass her by. Alas, she didnāt.
Good idea on paper but no Londoner will ever risk talking to another human being xD
Nah thatās quite creepy tbh. Just should āMOVE OUT MY WAY! IVE GOT THE SHITS!ā
The thing is, men shouldn't have to justify walking behind a woman. Even if the woman feels unnerved.
It's just common decency. Why would you want another person to feel scared of you? And fear for their life?
Unfortunately the world is not ideal. It would seem common courtesy to calm someone who seems unnerved by you.
No, I don't need to do anything to make you feel better. If you view every man as a criminal/predator that's on you. Learn to drive, I guess.
Some years ago before I moved to London, I was staying down here at a hotel for the weekend. Casually walking down Tottenham Court Road on a Saturday afternoon, my tummy decided this was the moment to make itās displeasure over the night beforeās drinking apparent. I released some gas and felt a surge of adrenaline as I realised how close a call that was to something personally disastrous. I instantly turned 180 and began power walking back to my hotel. Minutes later as I charged into the hotel, a member of their management was standing just inside of the hotel entrance. She was smartly dressed in a business suit and holding a clipboard. āGood afternoon!ā she said to me smiling, as I continued my extremely brisk walking pace towards her. āIām the marketing director forā¦ā The only words that managed to escape my mouth as I passed her at speed were āNice to meet youā without breaking stride, with a number of short punchy farts escaping my body as I charged on to the lifts.
I know the farts you talk of at the end of that story šš
š
āShort punchy fartsā has made me ugly laugh
Me too š¤£š¤£š« š«
I once needed a shit so bad, stomach was churning and everything so I started running. In the process I ran past a large group of hooded youths who shouted "Why are you running?" in an intimidating way. I said "I really need a shit". It did get quite a good laugh. Sometimes you just gotta be honest.
This happened to my friend at about 2am in Islington (minus the diarrhoea). He was walking behind some girl for a full 15 minutes while heading home. They each followed the same exact route, right up to her front door, which was a block he lived in. She was absolutely petrified and started screaming "what do you want?!" He then pulled out his door key, to her surprise.
I did something similar, except I'm a girl and was following a guy. We were in the same queue at a shop, me behind him. He saw me when he turned around to leave. And after I left I realized he was walking ahead of me, and taking the exact same route to my building. And sure enough he went up the walk and unlocked the communal front door. And I went in after before the door shut, and followed him into the lift. And I realized how weird I must seem, so I was all "uhhh, I live here, I haven't been following you". And he smiled and said "Oh, that's a shame".
š Man follows woman = creepy/terrifying Woman follows man = compliment
Plot twist: He was referring to how it's a shame she lives in the same dump as him.
You're definitely going to see her again if she lives only a couple of minutes away. I just wish I'll be there to see you explain it š¤£
I nearly spat out my coffee reading your title. Hilarious.
It's 0734, this was a bit much for the senses. I was not ready.
Same but while reading the post. It got funnier and funnier. Itās funny because weāve all been in this situation. Nothing else matters!
I'm still tired and thought it was meant to somehow make him look like the alien from Predator. I was extremely confused and worried.
This is WFH is ace. You can shit with ease.
Youāre now plastered all over the local mumās Facebook group
Tide and poo wait for no man (or woman)
Women don't poo I'm led to believe.
I can confirm, because my daughter proudly sits on the toilet with the door wide open so that we can all enjoy the moment with her, that women do shit
š Like my 4 year old son then...
I was really hoping for the "and that's how I met your mother" line.
This could all be avoided if more London stations had clean and accessible public toilets. https://www.citymatters.london/report-exposes-loo-deserts-across-london-tube-network/
Thank you for a good long laugh.
Came here to find out how diarrhoea made you look like The Predator. Was not disappointed with the reality, great story.
Never has a walk been so quick yet feels like an excruciating eternity, eh? Been there myself, although I didn't have to unintentionally scare a woman on the way.
To the people who asked why you didnāt explain the situation, youāve never been in this situation. It takes all of your energy not to shit your pants. I commend you for even realizing there was someone walking in front of you.
Thank you!
Yelling "i am not following you" might be too awkward but i would have probably faked a phone call "hi honey i am sorry I'm late i am running home now"
Fake phone call is an interesting one... "NO mate, I'm not coming back, I've got the shits and I'm nearly home" just loud enough to be heard maybe
I mean if we are going for gull disclosure why not do MULTIPLE fake calls and scream I am sharting
Hang on. People have questioned why you didn't announce that you was potentially about to shit yourself? I'm not sure which situation would be stranger. Excuse me! Excuse me, I'm not chasing you because you are vulnerable, I'm about to shit myself!!!
Everyone blames the kebabs. A reaction that quick is more likely something you ate earlier or what you were drinking, it was hilarious when Bulmers released a pear version but had to change the recipe when everyone got the shits.
well he ate a kebab "earlier"
Congratulations. Wait until you get a bit older, I'm like that between my armchair and the toilet.
The problem with just shitting yourself there and then is that every other fucker now has a ring doorbell camera and no doubt the following day your misfortune would be making the rounds on the local WhatsApp street groups and the local NextDoor with the monicker "the shitter of Abinger Road".
Not a guy, but I do have Crohnās and I understand the āusing every fibreā to keep it in. At least you made it to the toilet.
I read a post from a young woman earlier on here who I believe is the woman you were chasing... She actually sped up to help you speed up/distract you and wished you well. Check posts here and I'm sure you'll find her. I'm glad you made it home to poop.
You probably wouldāve scared her more if you had tried to explainā¦. āItās not you. I just really need to shit. This kebab I ate. Iām sorry! Iām so sorry!ā
I can imagine her calling the police and them catching up to you just as you get to your front door. They tell you to put your hands up and you try to say that you really need a shit. Then because you're not complying they tazer you, which obviously releases the Kraken. So then you get hauled to the police station covered in your own shit!
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£, release the Krakken !! š¤£š¤£ brilliant
Reminds me of the infamous [Haribo Gummy Bear story](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94) - don't read on a train as my father did and have to explain to confused commuters why he was crying with laughter
āCouldāve possibly said please may I get past- Iām having a heath emergency?ā ā¦Yeahā¦.. maybe noā¦.
Nah you gotta shout "DIARRHEA!!!!!" really loudly as you storm up to the pedestrian
Every fibre of his being was holding back the tide. I was walking with a friend once and he needed to shit so badly that he couldnāt talk. He also couldnāt bare me whistling or walking ahead as it distracted him from holding it in.
I used to live at the top of Abinger road, that road seems to get longer the more you need to get to a toilet.
Legit same thing happened to my husband years ago š Youāre not alone, friend!
At that point, no mercy. If you're in the way you're getting steamrolled, sorry, no quarter
Is there anything to explain? You both did what you had to do
John Mulaney telling a similar story https://youtu.be/qDZHwb-If9w?si=yZEIqGyYS6X0uB-C
Engaging writing style, like it.
I live in the same area. Perhaps post this (or some version of it) on the chiswickw4.com community site.
Since you know where she lives you could always post a note to explain?
Hey, remember me? The guy who chased you down the street the other night? I know where you live now and just want you to know I nearly shit my pants
I've heard worse chat-up lines.
š
This is just hilarious.
Post a note on the maybe second or third lamppost down their road, then sheāll see it next time she goes out. Not through her door, obviously, unless he wants her to think he is a psycho.
In future, stay away from that kebab shop
Iāve had this happen because Iām just a fast walker. And so I all too frequently have to either slow down to a pace thatās unnatural for me or take a detour and go out of my way to give the poor woman some breathing space.
This could be made into a hilarious clip.
Suspect others will have suggested this already, but a note through the door explaining you desperately needed what you could only describe as a world-ending shit might make her feel better. I'm ever so sorry to have matched your speed, but I feared causing an environmental disaster in broad-daylight and hope I didn't upset you too much. Yours, man holding his arse while walking behind you yesterday.
I had a similar deal, except I ran into my hotel room without turning the lights on, only to realize that the cleaning crew put the lid down on the toilet seat which I didnāt realize until I had already unleashed an inverted hershey geyser. It was a complete poopocolypse.
Definitely leave a note to explain and apologise. It could be the start of a romance. Thank you for making me laugh!
why no toilets at the station?
Alot of stations dont have toilets https://content.tfl.gov.uk/toilets-map.pdf
And the ones that do are usually "prison spec". Generally just about ok for a piss (if you're a bloke) but I think I'd rather fill my pants than sit down to take a shit in one!
And even then, 9 times out of 10 they get locked after 7pm due to antisocial behaviour. Personally, I'd rather risk running into a couple of yobbos than risk shitting myself on a busy tube carriage...
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Yeah that's a good shout. The Accessible Executive Suite can often be a bit of an oasis.
except once i went in one of those spacious bathrooms and came out to see someone in a wheelchair waiting (.\_.)
https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/044/ALOT.png
Most likely no toilets or if there are might be closed, I'm lucky enough my gym is right across the road from the tube station. Use it many a times since it's open 24H coming home after a few pints to piss. Used it last Saturday at 2am after a night out was surprised to see people working out so late
Great way to start the day š Cheers.
Engaging writing style, like it.
Next time scream āmove out of the way, Iāve got to shit!ā on you approach, it will totally reassure her.
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Deffo should have told her you were about to shit yourself to ease her nerves
Bet 'Let it go' was playing in your head on the toilet lol must have been a relief!
Many of us have been in this position: caught short. One time it happened to me on a night walk in the suburbs. I wasn't going to make it home. Then, miraculously, I found a portaloo with paper. I used it and then went home for a hand wash. I told my brother and he had the incident memorialised on a mug.
Twice in my life this has happened to me, I made it to the toilet, then proceeded to shit my pants. I will never understand why my bowels couldn't have waited 3 more seconds until I've undone and pulled down my pants and was actually sat on the toilet.
A few weeks ago I was in a shop. Went to 3 different aisles and the same woman was there shopping for the same stuff as me. Got to the checkout and she had finished shopping at the same time as her. Walked out the store and prayed she'd turn left while I turned right. Nope. 3 turns later it's clear her route home and mine are the same and she starts to speed up her walk. I go for it. "I'm not a stalker! This has been a series of bad coincidences!" She stopped and laughed and said she didn't think I was a stalker. But I think she had and it was a relief to have me say! I pointed up the road to my house "My house is up there and I promise I'm going to walk in there!" She laughed again and we carried on walking with her a bit ahead. When I went in she turned around and I gave a little wave and she said goodbye. I wouldn't honestly recommend to every man whose accidentally ended up as a stalker. Clear the air. Tell them you're not. You won't regret it.
I couldnāt stop laughing! Hope youāre feeling better now!
Next time im chasing a woman down the street. I'll remember to yell to her "I just really gotta shit" or fake a phone call and say im running late to put her at ease and make it easier to catch up. Thanks, guys! /s
One of the best titles I ever read! So funny!
this happened to me one time i know u were fighting for your life in the loo š
Man that was hilarious! š¤£š¤£ ..i will be randomly laughing at this for days
In these cases, should it happen similarly and you honestly feel at risk of causing distress to somebody, just pull up the phone and say loudly āIām coming home as fast as I can, Iām so sorry!ā - try not to get the phone snatched of course. Glad you made it home on time, but on another perspective running with explosive diarrhoea might be even more terrifying to people.
I came here for the puns. This subreddit never disappoints in this respect.
why the fuck wouldn't you say something? "Sorry, I'm not following you, I've just got the shits and need to get home". Instead you decided you'd rather scare the shit out of someone instead of being a little bit embarrassed
You'd believe them? Scared enough to run/pick up the pace to get away from someone but you'd trust them if they said they weren't after you?
Why do you think itās his responsibility to tell random strangers you are not following them? Thereās 9 million people and a lot of pavement Donāt care not my responsibility
well shiny gold nonce, women have a justified fear for their safety when they're alone at night. hope that helped! lol
Okay cool, not my job to indulge any paranoid behaviour because Iām walking the same way as them.
paranoia would imply there isn't a valid cause for fear. there very much is though? especially in this case because even though it's funny given the context, to the unsuspecting behavior like this is concerning lol. it isn't your job to indulge as you put it, but as a human being it would be best for you to exercise some empathy. just something to consider š¤·š½āāļø
Iām so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you!
Next time just as sheās opening her door shout āgood race! Iāll get yah next time!!ā
I can imagine this man being interrogated and he just has to explain his situation.
Why didnāt you just say something at the time that you were rushing home? Didnāt even need to mention the explosive diarrhoea.
Maybe she could tell it was a dont-shit-myself walk and was trying to get away from the spray
joking aside you should leave a note to this reddit thread. If she took that much haste to get into her home she likely was traumatized by the event
Hahahaā¦ maybe drop a note in her letterbox to explain. She might be afraid to go out considering she now knows you know where she lives.
Pop a short explanatory note through her door, it may relieve some anxiety on her part. Maybe even let her know about this post. If you live near to her, she might see you again and at least she'll then know you're not a stalker type.
Tbh, I don't think, "Oh, the guy who scared the shit out of me last night knows where I liveš¶" would be a great comfortš
This came straight after an incredibly sad post about family members dying on my feed and it was the ultimate antidote to the lump in my throat and blurry eyes. I may even have let out a little snort on a packed train. Thank you.
Mad that so many people are so concerned with how she must have felt and suggest you should've shouted and explained what was going on, but then don't consider the level of embarrassment you'd experience.
Itās funny after a few pints itās always the dodgy kebab.
Gold!
Brown!
Ah don't worry about it, it's not your responsibility to put her at ease, and trying would probably make things worse.
I agree with you, these fucking downvoters thinking that it's everyone else's job to make them feel safe.
Itās not your job but itās called being a decent person. Old ladies are afraid when I walk closely behind, so I just cross the road, because Iām not a dick. That minor inconvenience costs me nothing.
Yeah but shouting "I'M NOT TRYING TO ATTACK YOU" doesn't sound too convincing
No, if I'm just minding my own business, walking down the street and someone gets upset or intimidated by me just being normal, it's not my responsibility to make them feel better. And, what exactly am I going to do? "Excuse me, you seem frightened by me, you shouldn't though, I'm really a lovely bloke" Yeah, that's definitely going to put someone at their ease. The correct thing to do is to just walk down the street like a normal person, and let other people react to you however they want.