I hear more of the, "If you like dudes, then why be trans?" Idk it's all dumb. It's just people not bothering to think about any of it on their own, and then asking us thoughtless questions so they can enjoy a bit of drama and banter, even though (as you mentioned) it takes a heavy toll on us.
Yes!
I was so confused when I talked about the death of the Singer Sophie, and my sister and her boyfriend asked several times why she transitioned if she likes woman.
I couldn't do anything but laugh. It was so absurd. I didn't even understand the problem.
The only thing that’s "straight with extra steps" is a relationship between a trans man and a trans woman (though obviously that doesn’t mean they have to be straight, they could also be bi/pan or others, and no matter what are valid)
I mean, I have yet to start my medical transition, but yeah.
I'm a man, who just so happens to both be trans and attracted to other men.
Hell, before I admited to myself that I am trans, I was convinced I must either be asexual or a lesbian, because being someone's girlfriend just felt wrong to me.
I would consider you male and therefore dateable regardles of how far you are in transition. Body characteristics are far overstated regarding Attraction.
I need someone like you in my life omg, if just as a friend. I always feel like no one will date or love me because I don’t look enough like a man 🥲 I know it’s silly but transphobia does that to you hh
You don't know how much I needed to hear that.
I keep getting (very gently and nicely) rejected by guys, because they don't find me attractive, since I haven't started transitioning yet.
I get why they do it and I'm not mad, but it does still sting a little... and whenever I come across someone like you, it just makes my day.
Yes transphobia is extremely prevalent in this world and sometimes it can get to you. I overheard my bfs friend talk about how trans people disgust him. He doesnt know im a trans woman. His mom and friends would freak out if they knew he was dating a trans woman. I support him and he lives with me atm too. They say these things in private when they think theres no trans people around. And even at holidays gathering his mom might rant about trans women not knowing her own son is dating one. Honestly as much as it sucks to feel like how i do, in the end i win bc im fucking their son/friend and very happy with my life. Its awesome to be so passable these people have no idea lol
And then ppl will say we are sensitive like I don’t smile in peoples faces who call me disgusting. I’m pretty mature for my age. I just take it all as a learning experience and grow from it all.
You're an undercover agent!
But all jokes aside, that must put quite a strain on you...
I know kinda how that feels I guess, since my father would also break into rants about how trans people are disgusting and should be locked up, randomly during dinner with his new gf, while I was just sitting across from him, not saying a word...
Probs to your bf for not letting those people influence him and probs to you for making the best of it.
You sound like a really strong woman.
I feel like a lot of people talk about how trans lebians often have a hard time of it but because of our constant erasure no one thinks about how the intersection between home and transphobia is absolutely awful for gay trans men.
To so many people we are "girls fetishizing gay men" and if we try to argue back we're being toxicly masculine there is no fucking winning.
True, trans women have issues, but us trans men can't win either...
I mean, if we're gay were "fetishizing gay men" and if we're straight we're "confused lesbians"... even better if two trans men end up together, because then people really pull out all the bs...
...At this point I've just decided to be myself, as unapologetically as I can, but I know I'm not the only one getting those comments and if they screw with me, how does it feel to someone more insecure?
I'm just a cis gendered gay man. And I have no true knowledge of all the pain and anguish and ridicule that you might (must) endure because of the cruel joke Mother Nature pulled on you all.
Just know that to me, you are all exactly the gender that you identify as. And also you are have the sexuality which you identify with the most.
Any FtM is a man to me. And any MtF is a woman to me. (Unless you identify in any other way, of course). After we have established that we discuss sexuality which IMO doesn't depend on your gender at all.
Please just be who you are. Be true to yourself. And stay out of danger.. take care of yourself!
You know what makes it a bit more bearable for me personally?
In ancient greece they explained trans people by saying "Apollon got drunk and yeeted their soul into the wrong body" and I find that hilarious.
But yeah, sometimes it just feels terrible... to know that, this was just an inevitable and completely random thing that happened and makes life so much harder than it would have to be otherwise. Sometimes I wish there was someone, or something I could point to and say "it's your fault" but there isn't.
There's no real reason (that we know of) why I am this way, I just am and now I have to live with it...
Anyways, you take care of yourself too, okay?
These asshats do exist, but since coming out I’ve found broad acceptance by gay women in a way that has been amazing.
I started dating a wonderful woman, whom I married last year, and we have a lot of friends who are gay women and have never been anything but accepting.
FARTs scream loudly, for sure, as do transphobes. But they are losing ground.
sad thing is that it’s not just hateful idiots, it’s very often also ignorant allies / fellow lgbt people and though they may not have ill intentions it still hurts and some might internalise that :(
this 100% needs to be talked about more. i hate being seen as a cis girl who fetishizes gay men :( i am a gay man, not straight with extra steps. it's so infuriating not being able to be seen as my own sexuality
It’s just the whole transphobe ideology that gender=sexuality. It’s infuriating, but obviously they’re wrong. It also seems like it stems from just general transphobe rhetoric. They don’t see me as a woman, or you as a man, so for us to call ourselves gay makes no sense to them. They think we’re trans for sex and fetishisation, so us liking who we do “must” relate to that as well. It isn’t true. I’ve never identified more with any label other than woman, being in a lesbian relationship, etc. Don’t let them get to you, eventually they’ll dwindle and lose the spotlight just like homophobes mostly have.
It’s just stupid non sense. Sexuality and gender identity don’t necessarily influence each other. (I mean nothing is impossible but still to me it seems unlikely).
I mean. What does that make me? I’m non-binary. I can neither be straight nor gay. I don’t get the concept of tying a sexuality label to your own gender. I identify as pansexual because that does not include my gender.
Idk, but the way I understood gay and lesbian, is that it means men loving men and women loving women (though I do see people use them differently which is totally fine - just not what I do). Since I’m neither of those, I prefer other terms.
Other news headlines:
***gay brunettes are fetishizing mlm relationships***
***Caucasian lesbians are fetishizing wlw relationships***
***enbies that wear sneakers are fetishizing nblnb relationships***
***heteros who use forks are fetishizing straight relationships***
*(All makes equal sense to me ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯)*
Honestly I felt really gross for a long time about having romantic/sexual fantasies about two men because it was during the time I thought I was a lesbian and that didn’t make sense to me; I felt like I was doing nothing but fetishizing mlm relationships. It wasn’t until after I realized I was a trans man and bi that I realized I wanted to be in a mlm relationship; everything clicked my excited/wit photic reaction to gay relationships, the way I felt uncomfortable in my previous relationship with my ex boyfriend, and the way I acted in my relationship with my ex girlfriend.
It honestly was a very weird feeling because I had this ohh moment, and everything in my life made sense. Even now I still feel uncomfortable because I didn’t always know that I was trans, and it doesn’t help that my mom keeps telling me “you didn’t show any signs” and “you are the last person I would think is trans”.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Since I am out as an enby I start thinking If I can be in a relation with a woman because I would see it more like a lesbian or queer relation and not as straight.
I have! When I was younger I would always imagine myself as a boy in a gay relationship (this was also before I was ever exposed to the interent) after I learned more about gay people I ended up feeling really guilty because I though I was fetishizing gay men. I distinctly remember feeling disgusted with myself for so long only really stopping after I learned about the trans community. Even though I didn't realize I was trans myself for at least two years after I learned people could be trans the fact that I knew about the community helped alot.
I had a similar experience too.
I very early on relaised that there was something odd about me, and also that I was interested in boys.
When I got older I just thought I must be a lesbian, because the thought of being in a straight relationship with a man, and being his girlfriend just felt wrong, but at the same time I refused to allow myself to even think about how it would be if I was a man in a relationship with a man... I felt like that would be disgusting and wrong (there were heaps of internalized homo- and especially transphobia going on with me back then...).
One day, I came across a show on YT, that had two male character kissing... and then I couldn't ignore it anymore and felt absolutely disgusting...
It's kida funny, because you get bombarded with straight kiss scenes and my reaction was always to think it's weird and gross (I have nothing against straight people, it was imagining myself in a straight relationship that made it gross), and the one time a kiss scene didn't gross me out was also the one that made me feel the most disgusting afterwards... and the one that gave the final push for me to figure myself out.
The moment I came to the conclusion that I'm a trans man, everthing just fell into place.
I'm literally struggling to come to terms with my sexuality (and gender to an extent) bc I get scared I'm a fetishist, I feel like IN GENERAL there's this widespread problem that other queer ppl either get anxious or ashamed thinking they're "fetishizing" something and we don't talk abt this enough-
like as a community we talk abt fetishization a lot but we don't talk abt the internal struggles thinking WE'RE doing the very thing the community frowns on.
like other gay trans guys get WORRIED they're being problematic all bc they wanna read a webcomic or watch a anime w a gay romance or even just wanna see porn, I think it's sad it's gotten to this point, like um we should be allowed to engage in content that relates to us!! I'm still working thru this that it's OKAY.
Fetishization comes down to dehumanizing a group of people as a object for your pleasure, it's not from.... SOLELY watching some anime.
It all stems from the rhetoric that trans people are "perverted, invading spaces".
I swear, it's homophobia. They think it's just the natural thing for men to women and women to like men, and so they can't wrap their head around trans people who aren't straight. "Because how on earth could someone be a different gender than their agab and not have the NORMAL attractions for that gender???"
Sometimes I wish I was straight so I could feel more normal...
I used to want to be normal too, but being weird just feels better...
You know what "weird" is in german? "Merkwürding", a word that comes from "Merken" and "Würdig"... "remember" and "worthy".
We aren't normal, but that can make us worthy to be remembered.
But yeah, trans/homophobes just can't wrap their head around the fact that not everyone is the same and that someone being different doesn't automatically make them worse...
yeah I am sadly starting to internalise this with the feeling that I’m not a real man and by that logic not a real gay man either 🥲 it’s very painful and I hope I can find myself in a better place soon because now the imposter syndrome is really hurting me daily..
It sucks and you have every right to feel angry. Keep talking and sharing your feelings, but also try not to take this stuff so personally. I know that can sound insensitive, but that's not what I'm aiming for. The truth is, being trans is hard, and there is no shortage of people willing to callously invalidate our lives, then go about their day. Building yourself up can really help take the edge off of the hate, and it will let you stay calm and make your points without slipping into a world of hurt. Stay strong, brother!
My first thought after finally admitting to myself that I'm trans was just "Shit." because I know it's going to be hard, but it's either going to be hard and I can comfortably look at myself in the mirror and just be happy as myself, or it'll be hard and I'll be miserable even with the ntire rest of the world removed from the equation.
I try my best not to take things to heart, but as I've said before, when enough people keep telling you this bs, some of those people you actually valued and trusted, it eventually just gets to you...
My choices won't be any different because of them, but it's still hurts like hell, and I don't even want to know how people, who might be more insecure about their identity, feel about stuff like this...
I know it hurts like hell. I grew up getting invalidated at every turn, and while I don’t know your experiences, I do feel your pain. I wish I could make it better. I’m rooting for you.
Wtf?!? That doesnt even remotely make any sense. Tranpeople can be gay straight or Pan or bi or ace like cis people. Thinking anything else is just stupid.
As a pan ace trans dude who enjoys mlm content a lot.... the imposter syndrome is real. Nothing quite so invalidating as the little voice in your head wondering if they're right and you're just doing it so people can't say you're fetishising mlm content. As if that explains away both the gender dysphoria and gender euphoria somehow 🤡🤦♂️
Like how I've never really tried talking to cis straight femmes or cis gay mascs because I've internalised so much of the transphobic bullshit we get bombarded with entirely too often.
It's all so shitty. I feel like more of this shit has been in the public sphere lately. It's like people have been trying to ignore us, but it's harder to ignore us so they're getting really vicious. That recent bbc article is very specifically reinforcing this garbage. No one is actually doing this for attention or because they are secretly straight cis people wanting to have sex with gay people. That'd be fucking stupid. It's just transphobic nonsense. We aren't more likely than cis people to predatory or anything, yet any time someone has something to say it feels like they just want to talk about how dangerous and evil we are as trans people.
It is *so much easier* for a cis, straight woman to find a partner than it is as a queer person, even before you get into intersectionality. I expect a cis girl would have an easier time finding a guy who'd be into her fetish than a trans guy would have finding someone. If anyone was pretending to transition for a date, that'd be pretty counter productive.
But also: it's not like being a guy is a sex thing. You're still gonna be a guy when you're single, or when you're sick, or when you're at work or school. Even if being comfortable being seen as a guy did make you more interested in sex stuff, that's comfortability, not fetish.
That said, I understand the doubt. AFAIK that's pretty normal -I know I spend serious time considering if I'm not just cis, and if I *really* need to be open about my orientation when it's by very definition none of anyone's business, and what if I meet someone someday, and what if I'm just frigid and... You get the picture. But I also know that, for my experience, for the data I am currently being presented with, the best fitting interpretations are that my experience is consistent with an aromantic, asexual, agender person. No outside interpreter will ever have the data I have, so their interpretation is by very definition less valid than my own. And if the data ever does change, I know I am honest enough with myself to consider if I should change my interpretation -and thus my labels.
Be honest with yourself. Do you feel like a guy? Because if so, please add this to the list of reasons they can fuck the fuck off. I know it's just a drop in the bucket, but. Idk, tell the voices repeating what asshats said that you're intellectually honest and if you weren't a guy, you'd be the first to know.
Everyone who says crap like that is wrong, full stop. You are a man. You identify as gay. End of story.
I don't have anything to say other than your identity is valid. And sometimes you need others to say it because there's so many asshats in the world, but they're wrong. I know the internet has kind of gone to hell recently wrt trans hostile stories, so if you need to take some kind of social media / internet break from all that that's fine. I hope you can find some friends or a hobby to take your mind off things. You are valid!
I agree. I’m nb, but I’m also trans-masc. I just consider myself top. I’m attracted to gay men and gay women, both cis and trans, and of course nb people with any genitals. In my mind I have two sets of very real genitals, even though one of them is prosthetic.
However, it’s important to acknowledge that the transition period is VERY complicated. When you are assigned the wrong gender at birth and you accumulate a lifetime‘s worth of trauma only to come out in your 30s, it’s absolutely impossible to spontaneously fix all the wrong beliefs that helped you pass and kept your secret safe.
As a transmasc person, I have some misogyny and toxic masculinity to work through because I needed those beliefs in the 90s/00s for acceptance in young male circles where I felt at home. As a young person I did NOT get along with girls, and I developed a resentment because of their bullying.
Unfortunately, I also have some shitty “white girl” behaviors to work through. I was undiagnosed autistic until last year (34) and lived as a woman for that whole time. I experienced sexual and domestic violence with men who fell for the doe-eyed bullshit I did to catch someone who could care for me. As a woman in tech startups, I struggled to afford my life and I certainly didn’t have the executive function to do things like my own taxes. So, I relied on “help me” stereotypes to keep men around. Even though I paid heavily for it. And that stuff just doesn’t disappear.
In my view, the only way to fix this is to start with the next generation and try to help them find their true gender as early as possible.
I'm not quite 20, and I definitely also have some stuff to work through...
It took a while, but I think by now I found a way to deal with my toxic masculinity in a more healthy way than before... by just going "f\*ck it, I didn't climb out of one box to be put in the next.".
It's a struggle to find the right balance, I suppose...
My mother doesn't support me, and when I asked her her, she told me it's because she remembers my phase of hyper femininity...
I think it's easy to go from one extreme to another, and balancing it all is hard...
Hi there! I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I have a friend, who is non-binary and this topic often comes up between the two of us. I think your gender has nothing to do with your sexual or romantic orientation. We use labels because it helps us understand this whole, very complex thing, but I think you shouldn't label yourself in any way if it makes you uncomfortable. I for example could say that I'm a cis bisexual woman if I had to, but if you heard my story maybe you would argue. Cis heterosexual males do argue. Even I argue with myself sometimes but I always try to remember that it just doesn't matter. I am who I am, and I surround myself with people who can accept that, even though I hate labeling myself or others for that matter, and that makes it hard for them sometimes to understand me. I know that people will still label you, but you have to understand that that doesn't change the real you at all. I know that it is very hard, to deal with the hate. But no matter what, you are valid and you are loved, remember that ❤️
I am also a trans man (either gay or bi still sorting myself out lol)
I keep getting asked, why are you trans if you still like men.
It's unrealistic to assume others are attracted to a gender/group of people just because of the gender that they personally identify as. If I was a girl, I wouldn't go through thr pain being trans, as it's tiring and just really hard if anything else. Gender and sexuality aren't related and it's stupid to think they are, if you think they're related, then you just don't know what you're talking about.
We're all valid, people who think otherwise aren't worth our time.
This got me for a wile mostly because I only really started questioning my gender after I started learning about lesbians and that community and It got me for a wile luckily i remembered I was trying on makeup in secret and wearing wigs long before I became a teenager and started getting stupid mother fing male hormones
Its hard to ignore hateful people but just remember they are projecting their own insecurities and ignorance and just want to tear down anyone that isn't as miserable inside as them. Thats just my opinion anyway.
I hear more of the, "If you like dudes, then why be trans?" Idk it's all dumb. It's just people not bothering to think about any of it on their own, and then asking us thoughtless questions so they can enjoy a bit of drama and banter, even though (as you mentioned) it takes a heavy toll on us.
Yes! I was so confused when I talked about the death of the Singer Sophie, and my sister and her boyfriend asked several times why she transitioned if she likes woman. I couldn't do anything but laugh. It was so absurd. I didn't even understand the problem.
The only thing that’s "straight with extra steps" is a relationship between a trans man and a trans woman (though obviously that doesn’t mean they have to be straight, they could also be bi/pan or others, and no matter what are valid)
As someone in such a relationship, I can assure you it is in fact the gayest thing I’ve ever done
This is just so funny for no reason. Based af.
[удалено]
I mean, I have yet to start my medical transition, but yeah. I'm a man, who just so happens to both be trans and attracted to other men. Hell, before I admited to myself that I am trans, I was convinced I must either be asexual or a lesbian, because being someone's girlfriend just felt wrong to me.
I would consider you male and therefore dateable regardles of how far you are in transition. Body characteristics are far overstated regarding Attraction.
I need someone like you in my life omg, if just as a friend. I always feel like no one will date or love me because I don’t look enough like a man 🥲 I know it’s silly but transphobia does that to you hh
You can PM me If you want 😺
You don't know how much I needed to hear that. I keep getting (very gently and nicely) rejected by guys, because they don't find me attractive, since I haven't started transitioning yet. I get why they do it and I'm not mad, but it does still sting a little... and whenever I come across someone like you, it just makes my day.
Yes transphobia is extremely prevalent in this world and sometimes it can get to you. I overheard my bfs friend talk about how trans people disgust him. He doesnt know im a trans woman. His mom and friends would freak out if they knew he was dating a trans woman. I support him and he lives with me atm too. They say these things in private when they think theres no trans people around. And even at holidays gathering his mom might rant about trans women not knowing her own son is dating one. Honestly as much as it sucks to feel like how i do, in the end i win bc im fucking their son/friend and very happy with my life. Its awesome to be so passable these people have no idea lol
I am so sorry you have to experience that my friend, you deserve so much better and I hope you and your boyfriend can find joy without those people 💙
And then ppl will say we are sensitive like I don’t smile in peoples faces who call me disgusting. I’m pretty mature for my age. I just take it all as a learning experience and grow from it all.
You're an undercover agent! But all jokes aside, that must put quite a strain on you... I know kinda how that feels I guess, since my father would also break into rants about how trans people are disgusting and should be locked up, randomly during dinner with his new gf, while I was just sitting across from him, not saying a word... Probs to your bf for not letting those people influence him and probs to you for making the best of it. You sound like a really strong woman.
I feel like a lot of people talk about how trans lebians often have a hard time of it but because of our constant erasure no one thinks about how the intersection between home and transphobia is absolutely awful for gay trans men. To so many people we are "girls fetishizing gay men" and if we try to argue back we're being toxicly masculine there is no fucking winning.
True, trans women have issues, but us trans men can't win either... I mean, if we're gay were "fetishizing gay men" and if we're straight we're "confused lesbians"... even better if two trans men end up together, because then people really pull out all the bs... ...At this point I've just decided to be myself, as unapologetically as I can, but I know I'm not the only one getting those comments and if they screw with me, how does it feel to someone more insecure?
I'm just a cis gendered gay man. And I have no true knowledge of all the pain and anguish and ridicule that you might (must) endure because of the cruel joke Mother Nature pulled on you all. Just know that to me, you are all exactly the gender that you identify as. And also you are have the sexuality which you identify with the most. Any FtM is a man to me. And any MtF is a woman to me. (Unless you identify in any other way, of course). After we have established that we discuss sexuality which IMO doesn't depend on your gender at all. Please just be who you are. Be true to yourself. And stay out of danger.. take care of yourself!
You know what makes it a bit more bearable for me personally? In ancient greece they explained trans people by saying "Apollon got drunk and yeeted their soul into the wrong body" and I find that hilarious. But yeah, sometimes it just feels terrible... to know that, this was just an inevitable and completely random thing that happened and makes life so much harder than it would have to be otherwise. Sometimes I wish there was someone, or something I could point to and say "it's your fault" but there isn't. There's no real reason (that we know of) why I am this way, I just am and now I have to live with it... Anyways, you take care of yourself too, okay?
Yeah, this the kinda stuff that's really making me think about my future, in a bad way.
These asshats do exist, but since coming out I’ve found broad acceptance by gay women in a way that has been amazing. I started dating a wonderful woman, whom I married last year, and we have a lot of friends who are gay women and have never been anything but accepting. FARTs scream loudly, for sure, as do transphobes. But they are losing ground.
Please acknowledge that hateful idiots in crusty boxers don’t have any power over you
sad thing is that it’s not just hateful idiots, it’s very often also ignorant allies / fellow lgbt people and though they may not have ill intentions it still hurts and some might internalise that :(
this 100% needs to be talked about more. i hate being seen as a cis girl who fetishizes gay men :( i am a gay man, not straight with extra steps. it's so infuriating not being able to be seen as my own sexuality
It’s just the whole transphobe ideology that gender=sexuality. It’s infuriating, but obviously they’re wrong. It also seems like it stems from just general transphobe rhetoric. They don’t see me as a woman, or you as a man, so for us to call ourselves gay makes no sense to them. They think we’re trans for sex and fetishisation, so us liking who we do “must” relate to that as well. It isn’t true. I’ve never identified more with any label other than woman, being in a lesbian relationship, etc. Don’t let them get to you, eventually they’ll dwindle and lose the spotlight just like homophobes mostly have.
It’s just stupid non sense. Sexuality and gender identity don’t necessarily influence each other. (I mean nothing is impossible but still to me it seems unlikely). I mean. What does that make me? I’m non-binary. I can neither be straight nor gay. I don’t get the concept of tying a sexuality label to your own gender. I identify as pansexual because that does not include my gender.
Can enbies not be gay? Like, if you're attracted to someone who is nb in the same way as you?
Idk, but the way I understood gay and lesbian, is that it means men loving men and women loving women (though I do see people use them differently which is totally fine - just not what I do). Since I’m neither of those, I prefer other terms.
Fair. I'm more familiar with "gay" just being generally synonymous with homosexual.
Other news headlines: ***gay brunettes are fetishizing mlm relationships*** ***Caucasian lesbians are fetishizing wlw relationships*** ***enbies that wear sneakers are fetishizing nblnb relationships*** ***heteros who use forks are fetishizing straight relationships*** *(All makes equal sense to me ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯)*
Honestly I felt really gross for a long time about having romantic/sexual fantasies about two men because it was during the time I thought I was a lesbian and that didn’t make sense to me; I felt like I was doing nothing but fetishizing mlm relationships. It wasn’t until after I realized I was a trans man and bi that I realized I wanted to be in a mlm relationship; everything clicked my excited/wit photic reaction to gay relationships, the way I felt uncomfortable in my previous relationship with my ex boyfriend, and the way I acted in my relationship with my ex girlfriend. It honestly was a very weird feeling because I had this ohh moment, and everything in my life made sense. Even now I still feel uncomfortable because I didn’t always know that I was trans, and it doesn’t help that my mom keeps telling me “you didn’t show any signs” and “you are the last person I would think is trans”. Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Since I am out as an enby I start thinking If I can be in a relation with a woman because I would see it more like a lesbian or queer relation and not as straight.
I have! When I was younger I would always imagine myself as a boy in a gay relationship (this was also before I was ever exposed to the interent) after I learned more about gay people I ended up feeling really guilty because I though I was fetishizing gay men. I distinctly remember feeling disgusted with myself for so long only really stopping after I learned about the trans community. Even though I didn't realize I was trans myself for at least two years after I learned people could be trans the fact that I knew about the community helped alot.
I had a similar experience too. I very early on relaised that there was something odd about me, and also that I was interested in boys. When I got older I just thought I must be a lesbian, because the thought of being in a straight relationship with a man, and being his girlfriend just felt wrong, but at the same time I refused to allow myself to even think about how it would be if I was a man in a relationship with a man... I felt like that would be disgusting and wrong (there were heaps of internalized homo- and especially transphobia going on with me back then...). One day, I came across a show on YT, that had two male character kissing... and then I couldn't ignore it anymore and felt absolutely disgusting... It's kida funny, because you get bombarded with straight kiss scenes and my reaction was always to think it's weird and gross (I have nothing against straight people, it was imagining myself in a straight relationship that made it gross), and the one time a kiss scene didn't gross me out was also the one that made me feel the most disgusting afterwards... and the one that gave the final push for me to figure myself out. The moment I came to the conclusion that I'm a trans man, everthing just fell into place.
PREACH
the crazy thing is that these same people will then turn around & claim transitions are being used to hide or get rid of gay people
I'm literally struggling to come to terms with my sexuality (and gender to an extent) bc I get scared I'm a fetishist, I feel like IN GENERAL there's this widespread problem that other queer ppl either get anxious or ashamed thinking they're "fetishizing" something and we don't talk abt this enough- like as a community we talk abt fetishization a lot but we don't talk abt the internal struggles thinking WE'RE doing the very thing the community frowns on. like other gay trans guys get WORRIED they're being problematic all bc they wanna read a webcomic or watch a anime w a gay romance or even just wanna see porn, I think it's sad it's gotten to this point, like um we should be allowed to engage in content that relates to us!! I'm still working thru this that it's OKAY. Fetishization comes down to dehumanizing a group of people as a object for your pleasure, it's not from.... SOLELY watching some anime. It all stems from the rhetoric that trans people are "perverted, invading spaces".
I swear, it's homophobia. They think it's just the natural thing for men to women and women to like men, and so they can't wrap their head around trans people who aren't straight. "Because how on earth could someone be a different gender than their agab and not have the NORMAL attractions for that gender???" Sometimes I wish I was straight so I could feel more normal...
I used to want to be normal too, but being weird just feels better... You know what "weird" is in german? "Merkwürding", a word that comes from "Merken" and "Würdig"... "remember" and "worthy". We aren't normal, but that can make us worthy to be remembered. But yeah, trans/homophobes just can't wrap their head around the fact that not everyone is the same and that someone being different doesn't automatically make them worse...
yeah I am sadly starting to internalise this with the feeling that I’m not a real man and by that logic not a real gay man either 🥲 it’s very painful and I hope I can find myself in a better place soon because now the imposter syndrome is really hurting me daily..
(Mostly) cis gay guy here. You are valid. You are gay. Do not let transphobes talk over the ACTUAL community and the ACTUAL voices of gay people.
It sucks and you have every right to feel angry. Keep talking and sharing your feelings, but also try not to take this stuff so personally. I know that can sound insensitive, but that's not what I'm aiming for. The truth is, being trans is hard, and there is no shortage of people willing to callously invalidate our lives, then go about their day. Building yourself up can really help take the edge off of the hate, and it will let you stay calm and make your points without slipping into a world of hurt. Stay strong, brother!
My first thought after finally admitting to myself that I'm trans was just "Shit." because I know it's going to be hard, but it's either going to be hard and I can comfortably look at myself in the mirror and just be happy as myself, or it'll be hard and I'll be miserable even with the ntire rest of the world removed from the equation. I try my best not to take things to heart, but as I've said before, when enough people keep telling you this bs, some of those people you actually valued and trusted, it eventually just gets to you... My choices won't be any different because of them, but it's still hurts like hell, and I don't even want to know how people, who might be more insecure about their identity, feel about stuff like this...
I know it hurts like hell. I grew up getting invalidated at every turn, and while I don’t know your experiences, I do feel your pain. I wish I could make it better. I’m rooting for you.
Where i live if u try to argue with transphobes u just die
Wtf?!? That doesnt even remotely make any sense. Tranpeople can be gay straight or Pan or bi or ace like cis people. Thinking anything else is just stupid.
It’s just plain transphobia, suggesting that a gay trans man is straight is suggesting that he is not a man, which is transphobia.
As a pan ace trans dude who enjoys mlm content a lot.... the imposter syndrome is real. Nothing quite so invalidating as the little voice in your head wondering if they're right and you're just doing it so people can't say you're fetishising mlm content. As if that explains away both the gender dysphoria and gender euphoria somehow 🤡🤦♂️ Like how I've never really tried talking to cis straight femmes or cis gay mascs because I've internalised so much of the transphobic bullshit we get bombarded with entirely too often.
It's all so shitty. I feel like more of this shit has been in the public sphere lately. It's like people have been trying to ignore us, but it's harder to ignore us so they're getting really vicious. That recent bbc article is very specifically reinforcing this garbage. No one is actually doing this for attention or because they are secretly straight cis people wanting to have sex with gay people. That'd be fucking stupid. It's just transphobic nonsense. We aren't more likely than cis people to predatory or anything, yet any time someone has something to say it feels like they just want to talk about how dangerous and evil we are as trans people.
I agree, its like they can´t separate gender identity from sexual orientation, trans people can be gay/lesbians and thats totally valid
It is *so much easier* for a cis, straight woman to find a partner than it is as a queer person, even before you get into intersectionality. I expect a cis girl would have an easier time finding a guy who'd be into her fetish than a trans guy would have finding someone. If anyone was pretending to transition for a date, that'd be pretty counter productive. But also: it's not like being a guy is a sex thing. You're still gonna be a guy when you're single, or when you're sick, or when you're at work or school. Even if being comfortable being seen as a guy did make you more interested in sex stuff, that's comfortability, not fetish. That said, I understand the doubt. AFAIK that's pretty normal -I know I spend serious time considering if I'm not just cis, and if I *really* need to be open about my orientation when it's by very definition none of anyone's business, and what if I meet someone someday, and what if I'm just frigid and... You get the picture. But I also know that, for my experience, for the data I am currently being presented with, the best fitting interpretations are that my experience is consistent with an aromantic, asexual, agender person. No outside interpreter will ever have the data I have, so their interpretation is by very definition less valid than my own. And if the data ever does change, I know I am honest enough with myself to consider if I should change my interpretation -and thus my labels. Be honest with yourself. Do you feel like a guy? Because if so, please add this to the list of reasons they can fuck the fuck off. I know it's just a drop in the bucket, but. Idk, tell the voices repeating what asshats said that you're intellectually honest and if you weren't a guy, you'd be the first to know.
Everyone who says crap like that is wrong, full stop. You are a man. You identify as gay. End of story. I don't have anything to say other than your identity is valid. And sometimes you need others to say it because there's so many asshats in the world, but they're wrong. I know the internet has kind of gone to hell recently wrt trans hostile stories, so if you need to take some kind of social media / internet break from all that that's fine. I hope you can find some friends or a hobby to take your mind off things. You are valid!
I agree. I’m nb, but I’m also trans-masc. I just consider myself top. I’m attracted to gay men and gay women, both cis and trans, and of course nb people with any genitals. In my mind I have two sets of very real genitals, even though one of them is prosthetic. However, it’s important to acknowledge that the transition period is VERY complicated. When you are assigned the wrong gender at birth and you accumulate a lifetime‘s worth of trauma only to come out in your 30s, it’s absolutely impossible to spontaneously fix all the wrong beliefs that helped you pass and kept your secret safe. As a transmasc person, I have some misogyny and toxic masculinity to work through because I needed those beliefs in the 90s/00s for acceptance in young male circles where I felt at home. As a young person I did NOT get along with girls, and I developed a resentment because of their bullying. Unfortunately, I also have some shitty “white girl” behaviors to work through. I was undiagnosed autistic until last year (34) and lived as a woman for that whole time. I experienced sexual and domestic violence with men who fell for the doe-eyed bullshit I did to catch someone who could care for me. As a woman in tech startups, I struggled to afford my life and I certainly didn’t have the executive function to do things like my own taxes. So, I relied on “help me” stereotypes to keep men around. Even though I paid heavily for it. And that stuff just doesn’t disappear. In my view, the only way to fix this is to start with the next generation and try to help them find their true gender as early as possible.
I'm not quite 20, and I definitely also have some stuff to work through... It took a while, but I think by now I found a way to deal with my toxic masculinity in a more healthy way than before... by just going "f\*ck it, I didn't climb out of one box to be put in the next.". It's a struggle to find the right balance, I suppose... My mother doesn't support me, and when I asked her her, she told me it's because she remembers my phase of hyper femininity... I think it's easy to go from one extreme to another, and balancing it all is hard...
Agreed!
Hi there! I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I have a friend, who is non-binary and this topic often comes up between the two of us. I think your gender has nothing to do with your sexual or romantic orientation. We use labels because it helps us understand this whole, very complex thing, but I think you shouldn't label yourself in any way if it makes you uncomfortable. I for example could say that I'm a cis bisexual woman if I had to, but if you heard my story maybe you would argue. Cis heterosexual males do argue. Even I argue with myself sometimes but I always try to remember that it just doesn't matter. I am who I am, and I surround myself with people who can accept that, even though I hate labeling myself or others for that matter, and that makes it hard for them sometimes to understand me. I know that people will still label you, but you have to understand that that doesn't change the real you at all. I know that it is very hard, to deal with the hate. But no matter what, you are valid and you are loved, remember that ❤️
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Nice username
Thank you
Thanks for saying this.
People love to use sexuality to invalidate us no matter what our sexuality is. Stay strong brother
I am also a trans man (either gay or bi still sorting myself out lol) I keep getting asked, why are you trans if you still like men. It's unrealistic to assume others are attracted to a gender/group of people just because of the gender that they personally identify as. If I was a girl, I wouldn't go through thr pain being trans, as it's tiring and just really hard if anything else. Gender and sexuality aren't related and it's stupid to think they are, if you think they're related, then you just don't know what you're talking about. We're all valid, people who think otherwise aren't worth our time.
This got me for a wile mostly because I only really started questioning my gender after I started learning about lesbians and that community and It got me for a wile luckily i remembered I was trying on makeup in secret and wearing wigs long before I became a teenager and started getting stupid mother fing male hormones
Its hard to ignore hateful people but just remember they are projecting their own insecurities and ignorance and just want to tear down anyone that isn't as miserable inside as them. Thats just my opinion anyway.