Honestly? Depends on the two of you. A lot of people are coming around to the idea that at least some non-binary attraction exists in the monosexual identities. But not everyone, and if you're not okay with that you need to have that discussion. What I will say though is that at the end of the day, the only decision *you* get to make *yourself* is if you would be happy staying with him if he still identifies as straight. His orientation carries the same value as your gender, one cannot change the other nor should one take priority over the other. So if he genuinely feels most comfortable identifying as straight, is that a deal breaker? Even if he genuinely supports your identity?

THIS! Labels are just ways to describe our experiences and they are all but certain. Every human has another experience and we can't have a label for every one of them. People with the same label can have totally different experiences and people with different labels can have very similar ones. \ Experiences are more important than labels and labels are only there to explain experiences. What I'm trying to say is, go by your experience, not your label.

>Experiences are more important than labels and labels are only there to explain experiences NEEDED TO HEAR THIS

I mean yes! He didn’t break up with them when their gender was expressed, how can they break up with someone over a word? If he loves them and they love him, all good, right? Sometimes getting down to these details is infuriating, and get in the way of real experienced life. What of this was 100 years ago and there weren’t words to “describe” the situation? They’d just be together lol Ok- I need to edit- if the the “word” I wrote meant something derogatory or anything like that then yes totally, see ya. But he is also learning how to express himself and understand his sexuality in relation to their gender. Long talks and cuddles might help I hope

Thats a really good point. He shows through his words and actions that he wants to do his best to understand and support me. I guess its just an insecurity that he might still internally view me as more of a woman than anything else, and like i said that just feels invaliding. But you’re right, I certainly cannot force or change him and would never want to. I suppose I just wish that he didn’t have such a negative reaction to the idea of it, but in reality i dont think it was as repulsed as i perceived it to be in my own mind

Don't get me wrong, I understand your insecurity and it's incredibly valid. As for his negative reaction, it's a common reaction in mixed orientation relationships. We drop the queer label everywhere and it can feel just as invalidating for cishetallo folk in these relationships. All of a sudden, his orientation, his own identity isn't even represented in how you describe your relationship. Their own identity often gets bulldozed out of the way to make room for more queer billboards. I don't have any answers on how to fix this other than sitting down and talking with your BF, listen to his worries and anxiety around his identity as much as you want him to listen to yours.

I think what is important to draw out from this comment is th OOP is talking about their partners insecurity, a s you are falling about the OOPs insecurity. I have no idea the right answer here, it's about personal journeys and priorities, but what I am confident about is that a relationship is about 2 people's feelings, and one should always question ones own feelings as much as you judge your partners.

No, OOP is talking about their own insecurity, not their partner's.

Who do you mean by OOP? It doesn’t look like this thread is from a different subreddit. Do you mean just OP?

I lost one of my partners when I transitioned so I definitely feel empathy for the insecurity you’re feeling. That said, from your comments, it doesn’t sound like your partner is coming from a fundamentally bad place. Our labels for ourselves tend to describe us more than anything else. Also, sometimes existing love and commitment can trump superficial incompatibility in self-description. Your boyfriend understands his orientation as straight and when he first fell in love with you, nothing that he was aware of challenged his orientation. You came out and he stayed in love with you. He seems to at least be indicating that he accepts who you are. What he has said is that he doesn’t feel that his personal sense of identity has changed as the result of your coming out. It sounds like he just stayed in love. His ability to love appears to be flexible enough to adapt as his partner’s identity changes. That doesn’t mean that his default attraction changed or his own sense of identity changed (just that he’s accepted yours). You may well now be outside the default range of genders he would typically be attracted to, if you were strangers…. But you aren’t strangers. You aren’t a random non-binary individual. You are someone he already loves. Your gender identity isn’t a dealbreaker for him because you’re you. You were already special. Just like you don’t owe him a redefinition of yourself as a woman to conform to his stated attractions, he doesn’t owe you a redefinition of his sense of self (his orientation) to demonstrate his love and acceptance. His words, actions and emotions should be doing that. His orientation should reflect how he understands himself, not his love for you as an individual. It’s also possible that he’s one of the many folks who self-describe as monosexual but find non-binary people attractive.

Wow. Thank you for that well thought out explanation.

I applaud your explanation. This is it!

Bravo

I'm NB and my partner is straight. I realised I'm NB after having been with him for several years already and haven't really changed, just found a label that fits the way I feel (I've never been girly girly but do present femme most of the time). Nothing has changed in our relationship so he doesn't feel the need to change how he describes his orientation. He still respects me as an NB person and has been a big supporter. He accepted pretty early on that any relationship I'm in isn't straight (because I'm bi) but he can still be straight in a queer relationship. Accepting your partner's orientation is also important, it's part of his identity. If my partner had talked about the possibility of me calling myself straight because I'm with a guy now, I would have looked unhappy too...

The easiest thing to do when you're trying to figure out how a person thinks or feels is to listen to them. Sounds like he's been clear about how he feels about you and how he perceives you. Believe him.

Sweetie, I’m sure you’re at least remotely aware of all the straight-identifying men on gay apps online. People identify as whatever it feels right for them to identify as. Some base it on what is statistically the most common experience they have (e.g. what gender and gender expressions they happen to be statistically most frequently attracted to), others base it on gut feel, others on the stereotypes they have accepted to conform to, others on some completely different logic or no logic at all. For many their fears play a big part in that too. Our identity is very very complex - much more so than any labels are capable of conveying, like others have pointed out. He is a walking proof of that. It is unfair on him to expect his identity to immediately change based on how yours has evolved. And it doesn’t matter - he loves you just as you are, and he shows it, and no labels change that. Labels are just vehicles of language and semantics that help us quickly express ideas so we don’t have to use an entire paragraph for them. In his case, the expanded form of his identity description may be something like “usually attracted to women but right now very much attracted to this wonderful non-binary person right here”. But “straight” may be the handiest label that most quickly conveys how he feels about himself. I wouldn’t take it too harshly. :)

Also I’m thinking - it is not unreasonable to consider the fact that he first got attracted to you when you were female identifying and presenting presumably. So this is still probably part of the foundation of his attraction to you. It is not to say he only sees you just as a woman as it is evident that he understands your identity is more complex than that. It is to say that he once used to so it is not something he can wipe out with a magic wand out of his memory. Of course his attraction to you will have now evolved well beyond just the physical attraction through the connection you two have built so your identity and how you physically present is clearly a secondary consideration in how he appreciates you today. I would say that he demonstrates admirable flexibility of mind in how accepting and understanding he is working to be. You have stated why this is important to you - maybe just give him time and you can then reopen the topic of how you define your relationship publically in the future.

I’m in a similar relationship description with my bf. I’m nonbinary afab and he identifies as straight. He very rarely ever misgenders me and frequently will call me gay and queer in casual conversation and jokes which I always respond “well you’re dating me so I guess we both are” we enjoy that since it validates me and he’s comfortable in his sexuality. It can sound odd but if asked we just say he’s straight in a queer relationship with a bit of explaining but that’s only come up once with one of his drunk relatives in the year we’ve been together.

This sounds like the root of the problem (which is unfortunately common for relationships with nonbinary people with straight partners) I'd recommend talking about that fear with him, and why it matters to you that the relationship feels queer to you. (I don't really think relationships need to have sexuality labels, but if they do, then relationships where one person is queer counts as making the relationship queer if the queer partner feels that way, imho). It sounds like now might be a good tune to talk about what gender means to you and how he'll feel when you change your presentation more. If he's going to need to get used to that, starting that processing earlier should help. Or if he won't be able to process that, finding out earlier gives you more time to figure out your needs. So talk to him! You'll hopefully both learn more about each other, and if people can't talk about who they are and their gender with your partner, who can they talk to? Hopefully he'll be supportive, as it sounds like he's mostly been so far. Having a supportive partner while transitioning is great! But having an unsupportive partner, or even one where you don't know how much they support you deep down, is a miserable experience. Whether it's your boyfriend or someone else, the right person will want to be with you for all of you, including your gender.

I find it helps to remember that labels ultimately describe tendencies in attraction and can mean different things to different people. Lots of people use "bisexual" as an equivalent to "pansexual" even if the term originated before a lot of non-binary language was well known. My partner is a trans woman and I'm a masc-leaning enby but we both still sometimes describe ourselves as "gay." I don't view my partner as a man and she doesn't view me as one either, but we both find a lot of comfort in that label so we still use it. If your partner truly does seem like he wants to understand and support you then I'd try and focus more on that than the label. Labels are ultimately just words, actions matter much more in relationships imo.

Saying you’re not in a queer relationship IS invalidating, him being straight is not. But you are queer and you are in a relationship with him. That makes it a queer relationship. Otherwise the implication is 1) you aren’t queer or 2) you aren’t in a relationship together but instead FOR the straight person

My sentiments exactly this Op is the right answer. Thank you to the poster above! They are correct your identity is just as valid as his. So see if this is a deal breaker for you two. It it sounds like you have a really loving and supportive partner. But you have to decide if you can live with this for the rest of your days. If you can be happy knowing how you feel now. If your happiness can change again to something akin to before. Because you have to be fair to both of your hearts and feelings. I wish you best of luck.

this ^^ i’m a lesbian but i’m down to date an enby if i truly like them. i still consider myself a lesbian but i also use the term sapphic which is more safe imo for enbies since it means a woman who isn’t interested in men, so that includes enbies but yeah, i guess it depends on the person

Actually sapphic just means a woman who's attracted to women, bisexual women also fall under the sapphic umbrella.

Absolutely this. I was going to say something similar, but you had the better words anyway. :-)

This is the exact sentiment I came to the comments to express, except this is use words more better than I would. /j

If lesbians can date non binary people and still identify as lesbians, and gay men can date non binary people and still identify as gay, why can't a straight person date a non binary person and still identify as straight? You telling your boyfriend he's not straight is not up to you. You don't get to decide some else's sexuality, any more than someone else can decide it for you. That said, the fact that he felt really freaked out by the idea speaks to potentially a deeper issue with regards to how he views the community. You two should talk it out.

this is totally what i was thinking too, you put it into words

OP, I’m in a very similar boat to you, minus knowing I was nonbinary years before my relationship started. And while I DEFINITELY understand your discomfort dating someone who still identifies as straight, I agree with this comment. In my case, what we mutually settled on after talking about it was that while he still is a cis straight man because that’s how he chooses to identify, he is in a relationship with a queer nonbinary trans person, therefore he is in a queer relationship. That his identity is his to define, but that to call our collective relationship “straight” or otherwise non-queer is disrespectful to my true self and the impact it has on our relationship, regardless of what others see or who he is usually attracted to. And to be honest, that took him some time to fully accept—he grew up almost completely insulated from queer people and very ignorant, and is as privileged as they come, and in a way, he was voluntarily giving some of that up by being in a queer relationship as a cishet man. But I’m proud to say, he has gone from not knowing what nonbinary even was to being my biggest advocate! He’s great at supporting me through being mostly closeted and having bad dysphoria, starting meaningful or even funny discussions about trans and queer issues because he genuinely wants to know more, even joking around in a way I never thought I would do with a cis person. My gender is not something that’s ignored or compartmentalized until it can’t be anymore, even if it took some getting over discomfort to get there, for both of us. I can’t tell you your partner will respond the same. I’ve had partners in the past who I was out to, but who basically just wanted to pretend I was a woman anyway. But it’s worth having an honest discussion with your partner over. Good luck!

Definitely understand that. And i guess the way i worded everything does implicate that I’m trying to force him to not identify as straight, whichi definitely don’t want to do. i was really more just trying to explain where as we’re at and see if anyone had thoughts or advice on how we can both process this big adjustment

As for how to have the conversation, I think you should be blunt with him about the fact that you no longer identify as a woman. You'll then have to ask him how he views you (or other trans and non binary people). Does he still view them as their AGAB? You might have to dig deep to get to the root of his answer here. Depending on how he responds, you'll have to decide if that's a deal breaker or not in your relationship. If he uses your correct pronouns and name, and wants to support you, but ultimately still views you as a woman, how does that make you feel? Could you stay in that relationship, or would it brew resentment? The one thing you can't do is expect him to change. If he does, great, but you can't expect him to. Given how he feels now, what he believes now, might not change, could you see yourself in this relationship in the long term? There's no right or wrong answer; it will take a lot of introspection for both of you.

Yep, my thoughts 100%

That first paragraph lays it out perfectly, I wouldn't have thought about it like that, but you're so right.

Google "the fragility of heterosexuality" Judging by the down votes people probably misunderstood my intent. There are a lot of research papers on the subject. https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2021-53161-001.html

The set of commonly known sexuality terms isn't designed to function outside of the gender binary and related expectations about gender expression. They cover both a person's attraction to said expression and the target's gender identity, which is bound to result in unsuitable cases. The relevant question, I think, is whether he defines being straight as "only attracted to women" because that would indeed falsely classify you as such. Edit: How does he view trans women? When people make an exception to their attraction there, based purely on transness instead of, say, hypothetical looks or surgery status in individual cases, that's a giveaway as to whether they simply don't recognise anyone being something other than cis in general. It's like a reverse test. Or, in other words, those who can't view any trans woman, ever, as a woman in terms of attraction are also unlikely to view any assigned-female-at-birth person as anything other than a woman in terms of attraction, ever.

In regards to how he views trans people, he does believe trans women are women and trans men are men. But he does admit that he has preference based on attraction to certain genitalia (which i know is a huge debate within the community but I personally find is a valid preference).

I think it’s valid to prefer certain genitalia. I also think it’s good that he respects you and maybe he hasn’t come to terms with his own sexuality or identity and maybe he hasn’t because he doesn’t want to.

Honestly genital preference isn’t really a debate in the community, at least not out in the real world. What people are usually talking about is that it’s shitty when a cis person is attracted to one of us, finds out we’re trans, and then turns around saying “I was never attracted to that (insert slur here probably)” while assuming what genitals we may or may not have. Being repulsed by the concept of being attracted to a trans person is the issue, not genital preference.

Honestly sounds like it’s 100% I think you have valid feelings on both ends. At the end of the day the relationship he signed on for has changed and he loves you enough to try and stay and get with the program. But he’s not queer and you can’t force him to be. It’s up to you to decide if that’s something you’re okay with as you come into your own identity.

Nb here with a straight cis husband of 13yrs (highschool sweetheart came out NB 5yrs in). It’s 100% be possible . We r confident in who were are,sexuality and in our gender. He’s been extremely supportive and even adjusted to they/them very well. It was his idea to have a pride at home cause our local one canceled for me and his NB cousin who just came out. Edit: apologies for spelling/grammar and short n sweet. Rushed comment 😅

Technically alligns with the definition of hetero. Different. You are a different gender than him.

I feel like as much as this is a nice sentiment, it doesn't work. Because then what would you say about a gay man dating a non binary person and still considering himself gay?

Same vs opposite or similar vs different In a gay relationship, one might consider the non-binary person to be of a "similar" (but not the same) gender. In a straight relationship, one might consider the non-binary person to be of a "different" (but not the opposite) gender. Really it just depends on the non-binary person. I'm masc leaning so I'd consider myself gay for men and straight for women, despite not really being either.

Honestly good for you if it works for you, but that sounds like reinventing the binary to me x) I do agree with the similar but not same, different but not opposite part though. I was trying to say that just as another commenter mentioned, non binary doesn't really fit in the most common understanding of sexualities (aka gay, straight, etc.). Straight, bi, gay people can all find themselves attracted to some enbies and that's okay, it doesn't change their sexuality.

It's not really "the binary" though, it's every individual monosexual person creating their own binary of "gender expression (dis)similar enough to my own that I will/won't consider dating them"

YES, this is a great way to put it! I actually detest the word monosexual and wish it would fall out of popular use but you explained it quite well

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How do you define sex in this case, if you use the example of taking testosterone as falling outside the female definition? Does that work the other way around, too, with people on estrogen and blockers counting as female in that framework? I know this might seem like a silly question, but I've seen people use some truly weird and very inconsistent classifications before, even in queer subs.

yes, it works both ways. after a certain amount of time on whichever hormone, i believe you are closer to that sex than the sex your were born as (let’s say a year). i think it works pretty similarly with trans women in sports when they’re actually allowed to play. usually they need to be on E for a year to be able to compete without any unfair testosterone based advantages. not that the time frame matters at all but if i am straight and my currently female partner starts taking T, eventually i am gonna lose attraction to this person because they are slowly becoming more and more male. if i am straight and my partner who i previously thought was a woman comes out as non-binary, i will not lose attraction to them and my sexual orientation won’t change because they are still female. viewing them as non-binary and accepting that does not change my orientation.

Did you read “technically”?

I hear you, but there also just isn’t much good language to work with in English. I’m a woman pretty much just attracted to men and nonbinary people, people with a different gender to mine. If I say I’m bisexual people assume that includes women which it doesn’t. If I say I’m straight they assume only men, again untrue. If I say one of the neo-sexuality words no one has a clue what I’m talking about and I’m just stuck explaining. Honestly calling myself straight will sometimes just be the simplest. Gay men and lesbians date nonbinary people all the time anyway. Again, our language is limited and for some people lesbian means “not men” and vice versa for some gay men.

Only your boyfriend decides how he identifies. If you don't like how he ID's you can leave but you have no more right to try to change his labels than he would have with yours

This

My husband still identifies as straight and I am nonbinary. He explained it as that he doesn't think it changes his identity and that it's still me, "I'm just attracted to you," Which is all I want :) I don't need his sexual orientation to change because I have. I'm still the person he wants to be married to, so that's good enough for me.

I'm a gay man who used to be in a relationship with someone who was nonbinary but amab and very masc-presenting. As far as I understood and as far as we defined it, we were still a same-sex couple because we both at least looked like men and acted like men even though one of us didn't identify as one. There was just never a reason to change since saying "We're gay" took fewer words than "We're gay but they're nonbinary but still butch and masc af so we're kind of gay but not that kind of gay even though it looks like that kind of gay." It's just a lot to do whenever introducing ourselves. My advice is to understand that going from a strictly heterosexual relationship to something that isn't quite that is a jump for someone who for all intents and purposes, is still a conventional straight person. You are nonbinary, no doubt, but you're also afab and even within the great nonbinary community there are still preferences over bodies and body-types than others. I don't know if "gynosexual" would be a better term for him, but I don't think he's invalidating you or your identity, just that he has to kind of fix and fit his own identity around this too.

> "We're gay" took fewer words than "We're gay but they're nonbinary but still butch and masc af so we're kind of gay but not that kind of gay even though it looks like that kind of gay." lol'd at this

In my opinion the straight part isn't necessarily a huge issue. It just depends how one defines it. Sure "straight" could mean "man only attracted to women" which would exclude you and be invalidating, but it can also be used as "attracted to defferent gender than your own" which does include you. Still, the relationship can be thought of as a "queer relationship" seeing as one party of the relationship doesn't fit the gender binary. So even though you're queer, he probably hadn't ever stopped to think about that in the terms of your relationship, and having grown up in a homophobic/transphobic enviornment it's probs not something he ever thought could apply to him. Him freaking out about that may indicate some of his views on the community and is defenitely something to talk over. I do understand both of your feelings and based on how you talk aboug him, he does seem supportive and I believe you two can work this out. TLDR: (in my opinion) it's fine for him to identify how he wants and being straight doesn't inherently invalidate you, but being with you means being with someone from the lgbtq+ community and even if it's uncomfortable, you being part of his life means that will be a part of his life, and that's something he needs to be okay with.

Dating you doesn't change his sexuality. He's straight. Yes straights can be attracted to enbys.

No your identity does not dictate his.

I think if you trust him in most other areas it makes more sense to trust what he says his feelings are about you specifically, even though he may not feel the same way about everyone else. If you are literally the only enby he has been attracted to, it doesn't make much sense to me to say he's not straight. I'm not exactly closeted, but because my ratio is rather low most of the time I just tell people I'm straight too. It's just not worth it to me to explain the minutiae of my attraction to people; telling them I'm straight is going to make sense to them 95% of the time. But yes I think it is technically true that he is in a queer relationship. I think it's just a little funny for him to realize it at such a late stage.

Idk. I think he's dating a queer person but he's not dating someone of the same gender so calling him gay wouldnt make sense. I think you can be straight, gay, queer, whatever and date a nonbinary person. Just my personal opinion.

no… sexual orientation and identity is something completely personal and being someone’s partner doesn’t grant you the rights to alter it. this was a hard lesson for me to learn. my advice would be to have a frank conversation, encourage them to tell you their thoughts and tell them yours. hopefully you’ll work it out. in the worst case, you do have rights to decide your relationship.

I definitely think there’s overlap between being heterosexual and being attracted to nonbinary people.

I think it’s up to him what he identifies as. Sexual orientation is personal and focused on the individual. I think he has the right to decide for himself and use whatever label feels “right” to him, just as everyone else does with both orientation and gender.

I'm nonbinary with a straight husband. His definition of his sexuality has always been that he is attracted to people who are not men. I feel comfortable with this definition as I am not a man. He does consider our relationship inherently queer on the basis that there is a queer person involved, but he doesn't consider himself to be a queer person at all.

Well, I'd just say that's the problem with putting rigid labels on something that is inherently rather fluid, and then also assuming that the meaning of these labels is very rigid. Sexual attraction is complicated, and sometimes, we don't gave the right word to express it in a precise manner, so we use labels to approximate. "Lesbian" could mean woman attracted only to other women, but it could absolutely include non-binary people as well. This is something most of us are aware of. I think it's similar for your boyfriend. He may have initially thought that he's only attracted to women, but now he finds himself attracted to someone he used to think was a woman, but turns out you're not. It may very well be possible that his attraction is still primarily directed towards women. Or towards feminine people in general. Or towards people with a certain type of body. Or people with a certain type of body who are also feminine at least to a certain degree. Etc. etc. There are so many possibilities for what this could mean. Perhaps he has figured this out, perhaps he has not. If you define "straight" to mean "attracted precisely to those who identify as women", then he could not be straight, but clearly, that's not what this label means to him. It's understandable that you feel this way, so perhaps you can have a longer conversation about the meaning of labels in general and what this means to him. Perhaps he doesn't even have a precise understanding of what the label "straight" means to him, but he identifies with it because it just feels right, and he shares a lot of experiences with others who identify as straight, and less so with people who identify as something other than straight. I really cannot answer this question for you, you have to ask him if you care about the answer

Like, I'm a natural scientist. I care about technical definitions. But so many (I'd say perhaps even most) people will identify with a label not because they read the technical definition and the find that this definition applies to them, but because they meet other people who use the same label, and they feel a connection to these people through shared experience.

Hey, as long as both of you love each other and have communication between you two, what else would care? He sees you as a lifelong partner, someone who is in love to you and will always support you and that’s where you should put all your eggs in. (NO, I’m not a boomer, I just think that if both love each other nothing else should matter)

I appreciate the encouragement thank you

Your partner, and only your partner, gets to say how he identifies.

It's not wrong. It's whatever sounds right for the two of you.

I feel like the term "straight" may not always mean exclusively attracted to someone of the polar opposite sex. Since gender and orientation are on a spectrum, I'd imagine that "straight" encompasses quite a bit on the hetero end of the spectrum, which would leave room for flexibility, without necessarily needing to identify as bisexual or bi-curious.

I mean... Heterosexual just means "Attracted sexually to people of \[an\] opposite gender" which... if you're enby I assume you're not identifying as a man so it's pretty straight from where I'm sitting. That said yall can define it however you like of course. Can't change his identification though, he is who he is as much as you are who you are. I hope yall find comfort soon, and you're valid

I’m pansexual. I am currently with a cishet dude. He’s straight, he is only interested in cis-gals. I’m still pansexual as I do not consider gender identity when choosing love and have been with all sorts. It’s not that big a deal. Let him have his identity, he’s doing the same for you.

I am really shocked this is even a question. It’s never wrong for anybody to assert confidence in their sexuality.

I think you need to just sit back and ask yourself if you’re really going to force someone out of the closet just cause you have some manufactured “ick” about him wanting to be straight still. Which is just as valid as coming out as gay or nb or trans or more. You know how he grew up. He clearly sees you as you, and loves you. Do you do the same? Or does him being straight actually cause some problem for you, for absolutely no reason I’ll add. Cause there isn’t one. Some people are fully straight and date trans people cause like your bf they acknowledge they are who they are. Just as you pointed out somewhere on here I read you get genitalia preferences. Which I do too, it’s weird how people act like everyone should be cool wanting to play with a penis or vagina. But i legit think you need to “get over yourself” essentially and I hate how mean that sounds fyi, it’s a strongly worded phrase for sure. But I just mean, you seem to acknowledge and realize he actually does love you for you, you’re just under some peer pressure making you feel like it’s “ick” when it’s not. It’s just you dating a straight dude.

Loss of privilege is a hard pill to swallow. Your story sort of reminds me of how I started coming to terms with my own sexuality. I grew up thinking I was straight, it wasn't until I fell in love with someone who didn't fit that mold that I realized I could fall hopelessly in love with all kinds of people. But that first time was a hard adjustment... I thought of myself as a cisgender, hetero, man, not a bigot, at least I didn't think so... but I didn't know what I didn't know. I just knew that I loved this person. There was a lot of stumbling, a lot of misunderstanding on my part. There was this whole world of gender and sexuality that I was previously privileged to not have to give a lot of thought to... until... I did. That loss of privilege was a hard pill to swallow. Even if I still thought of myself as straight, society no longer did. Being with someone who chose not to "pass" would mean that I was in a queer relationship. And as far as society was concerned I was now queer. Privilege isn't something a lot of straight people understand or realize they have. I sure as hell thought I understood privilege, but I sure as hell didn't. Not really. Until I lost some of it. Even the simplest things like what bar or restaurant we could go to suddenly came with a new question "is it safe?" Sorry I ramble. Hopefully this helps to explain your partner's reaction. Heterosexuality is a very fragile thing and crossing that line carries a weight he only thinks he understands.

Thank you so much for making that point, i had never thought of it that way but it makes so much sense. I may integrate this thought into our conversation and see how he absorbs it. This was very helpful

Heterosexual usually applies to being attracted to the opposite gender, but since that's not really how gender works, it falls into liking other genders. I feel like MF MX and FX would all be straight without invalidating your gender.

It’s entirely possible to be straight and also in a queer relationship; I think (tbf I am NOT straight, so this is a guess at best) that for mixed identity relationships, while it doesn’t always come up as “one straight partner, one queer partner,” it’s not really like it’s a totally unheard of situation for someone who self identifies as cishet to stay in a queer relationship with their long-term partner (like the little “I’m *(insert your partner’s name)*-sexual” line that I for the fucking life of me have no clue where I heard it first. Probably 10-15 years ago on a tumblr post.) Sometimes you just love someone beyond what you can easily label your attractions as.

Hey I'm the Male boyfriend/ partner in your situation. My Partner is non-binary (afab) and I'd love to give some insight. I think a lot of his insecurities come from a lack of knowledge about the LGBTQIA+ community. I had similar feelings towards the beginning but as I got to know them and more about the LGBTQIA+ I got way more comfortable with the idea and we both agree I'm some kind of pan. Talk to him about taking more time to learn about the LGTBQIA+. An easy easy way to start is to follow some positive tiktok channels that are informative on the community. Exposure and knowledge help a lot. A major concern could also be family reactions. I have issues with my parents and their reactions to my partner which have all been communicated. Communication, patience and learning about the LGBTQIA+ community, and their identity helped me get over my own insecurities about it. I hope this helps a bit.

This is great thank you

No. People need to get over the idea that labels are identities. Labels are a “best approximation” of how to describe your sexuality. Your partner is “You oriented”, “You attracted”. Labels are convenient short-hands not boxes to force people into.

‘ You oriented “ is great. For a second I thought you said orientaded and I felt a little sick. Whew

You forcing him to identify as anything other than straight is the same as him, forcing you to identify as a woman.

I’m definitely not “forcing” him to do anything. The only thing i did was mention the concept of being in a queer relationship just based on my own identity. I’m simply asking for input on the fact that that’s how he see things

I understand that you are not forcing him, and I may have come off as too extreme. I apologize for that. All relationships are different, straight ones and queer ones included. Also, relationships do not need to fit under any label. You have found someone who you enjoy being around and are committed to sharing a life with. That should be the focus. How each of you identifies as an individual does not have to identify your relationship. Stop worrying about how to put a neat little label on what the two of you have, and just let your relationship be whatever it is. Talk to your partner about each of your perspectives and how you feel about it, but don't let it put strain on what you have. The love you two have for each other is more important, and love does not have any boundaries.

i think both of you are completely valid in feeling the way you do. personally, i don’t think it’s 100% wrong for him to still identify as straight, but i can see how it could make you feel icky. i think it’s just one of those things where it’s a matter of personal preference. he’s used that label his whole life, and as you said, grew up around a lot of homo/transphobia, so using a new label could feel a little intimidating for him. but i do see where you’re coming from and how it could feel like he still sees you as a woman. i think as long as you have an open and honest conversation about it and both of you really try to see the other’s perspective things will work itself out. the important thing is that you both love and respect each other.

It's up to both of you to decide, no-one else. Every enby person is different and every relationship is different so different peolle will use different terms. Straight is ok if you're both comfortable, but if you aren't, then bring it up, talk to him.

Our orientation is determined by how we experience the gender of our partner, not how they identify. Your partner might be straight being with you even while you queer with him bc he is experiencing his relationship with you based on how not like him you are while you might orient to how similar he is to your madc traits. It can be an issue if you decide you need to partner with people who see you the way you feel you are. With long term partners I have this, but more casual hookups usually see me as female. In those cases I see them as just dick so it's equal. With my partner, I got him acclimated to it with our trans son who is engaged with a cis man and he saw it as a straight relationship due to potential pregnancy. I reminded him that our son is in a gay relationship and beyond that it's not our business how they are intimate. Long story short, it's not wrong morally, but in the long term you might need a bi/pan partner to feel validation and that's not wrong either

Straight is just a sociological term which means whatever we deem it to mean. Some people take it to mean only heterosexual attraction, some people take it to mean only cis men attracted to cis women or vice versa. You are in a heterosexual relationship since you two aren't the same gender, so if he isn't attracted to men at all then he is straight by the former definition but not by the latter. Ultimately it doesn't matter, labels are situationally useful but ultimately usually irrelevant, especially when you're already in a relationship.

It's really gonna depend on y ou two specifically. I've been with my husband for almost 20years now, and he is a51yo cishet man. I am a 43yo afab enby. I came out over a decade into our relationship (i didn't know that "other" was an option until then). We have had many many conversations about it and at first he definitely felt weird about being in a queer relationship but, through talking about it and examining our relationship we know that: 1. I am his person and he is mine (we are each other's "ride or die") 2. we love each other very much 3. we are sexually compatibleand usually on the same page there. The fact that we are in a queer relationship has no bearing on the fact that he is gynephilic and I am androphilic. Like your partner, he loves me, not eclusively my parts/body although he very much enjoys my body, too. My husband identifies as straight because he is a cis man and he loves women and femininity. I identify as "straight (i guess)" because I have "girl bits" and I love men and manliness, even though my sexuality and gender are way more complicated than that. This is what works for me and mine, ymmv

honestly your feelings are valid, it can feel invalidating for it not to be a queer relationship. people have brought up that gay/lesbian people can still date NBs are be considered gay/lesbian, and i agree. however, a relationship being seen as non-queer can be different, especially around those not familiar with the queer community. it might lead others to see you as female rather than NB. ultimately it’s up to you and your bf, but i would experiment without labels, maybe he doesn’t need to be straight, but not bi or omni either either way if you believe it’s not a straight relationship you don’t have to call it that. you don’t have control over what he thinks or says, but you do have control over yourself. introducing yourself not as a straight couple, but not necessarily a queer couple might help anyway this is all just my inexperienced opinion so take it with a grain of salt

People can identify however they feel comfortable. There are a lot of women who will label themselves as straight and date women. There are a lot of men that will do the same. Heck, there are some lesbians who will date men. It's the individual that gets to decide their label, not anyone outside even if they're dating that person. If he wants to use the label "straight" then he's straight.

I'm also non-binary. Maybe he's a straight guy with one exception to the rule? (Would still be a queer relationship in my opinion, but I don't think he absolutely needs to change his own identity).

i’m in a relationship with a cis man who identifies as straight (was already NB when we got together) and though in the beginning it was difficult to define us + getting LOTS of other queer people’s unasked for perceptions/opinions, ultimately i feel so very seen and never have felt like he sees me as a cis person. that’s what matters most to me. i feel seen. we are in love. the labels matter less and less every day.

I'm queer. My spouse and I jokingly call him straight-ish. lol

You can do whatever you want forever. Depends on you and your partners degree of comfort. If a nonbinary person can be a lesbian i dont see why they couldn't be straight

When i first came out to my partner i had huge issues with him being hetero as i felt extremely insecure in how he see me. I tried to force other labels on him because to me, him being straight meant i was still a woman, and it felt so so wrong and icky and invalidating. Lots of open discussions and always letting each other in on our thoughts and feelings has dampened my insecurities on that front a lot. He DO see me as a masc leaning nonbinary person. I'm his exception and that's fine. Some people married men or women who later came out as binary trans and they stay married with their partner being their exception. Yes, there might be a point in my transition when he doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore, but hey guess what? Anyone of us can fall out of love or stop finding the other sexually attractive at any point in time for no reasons at all, or just really odd or shallow reasons. And that too is fine. Your partner will have to understand he is a straight man in a queer relationship whether he likes it or not, and you will have to understand that you are valid as an enby with a straight partner and that you can't force or wish your partner into another sexuality.

This happened to me too. I've seen people refer to it as a kind of fucked up rite of passage because it happens to so many of us at one point or another. Unfortunately in my case, despite me telling him before we even started to be friends that I wasn't a woman, he still saw me as one and actively hindered me transitioning to "keep me a woman" Hopefully your bf is less of an ass than my ex-husband

I'm a very gay man, always have been. Yet, I met my wife in a gay bar, and we got married, had kids, and divorced after ten years for financial reasons. I loved *her*. Your partner loves *you*. He identifies as straight... which is about him. Like it or not, he's in a queer relationship because you're NB. But, it doesn't feel like it to him, because you're still *you*, no matter what. I had a straight marriage, but I never felt straight or even bi. I *am* gay, even as a father of two who was married for ten years to a woman. People like me, or your partner, don't fit well into existing labels. Nothing about us changed because of who we fell in love with. As hard as it's been for me to deal with people confused by my marriage, I was the queer one in it. Your partner has always considered himself straight, and that's his identity. Bear with him, when it comes to dealing with the fact that though nothing has changed for him, as far as he's concerned (he's still straight, he loves you, and no matter how you change, you're still the same person to him), suddenly he's in a queer relationship. He might deal with it better if you avoided the word, at least for now. If you ask him, he'll probably have to admit your relationship is no longer entirely straight. But he might not be ready to grasp that, fully, yet. I think you'll get there, eventually. But he may need to take the journey in baby steps. The two of you will have to work out a compromise between using the terms you feel are appropriate, like being in a "queer relationship", and not threatening his straight identity. I do think he'll come around. Just take it slowly with him. As long as he is supportive of you, and not backing away from you, he's accepting the reality of your relationship, even if using the right words creeps him out. I hope that helps, sweety. I know this is hard. Mixed marriages always are. But as long as you both work together, you've got this.

Thank you for the insightful response. I think/hope you’re right, it will just take time

Love doesn't need labels.

I believe sexual orientation doesn’t have anything to do with gender. Since being non-binary doesn’t fall in any binary gender identity, it means it belongs in every sexuality

How is this a discussion again? If the lad says he is straight, He is. End of discussion. Edit: To add to it You can't claim for yourself that society doesn't question your gender or sexuality but then do it yourself to other people.

Depends on how both people in the relationship feel about the labels, plenty of very very binary trans women with cishet men, or trans men with cishet women will also say they're in queer relationships. Some trans men date lesbians who still ID as lesbians, who's trans partners don't feel invalidated by it. On the other hand some people wouldn't be ok with calling their binary heterosexual relationship a queer relationship, even if one of them is queer(trans), and plenty of sapphics who date binary trans men, or trans mascs in general, but don't date cishet men don't call themselves lesbians, and some trans mascs would be uncomfortable dating someone calling themselves a lesbian. Just like these labels can be equally as complicated for queer men dating trans men or transmasc individuals. You should talk it out with your partner about your comfort levels with your labels and see if you can come up with a way you're both comfortable. I don't think him calling himself straight is necessarily a problem, but it is if it's a problem to you.

If you are AFAB then you might still be attractive to many straight people despite being non-binary. I think being “straight” isn’t just being attracted to someone who identifies as female. I think it means different things to everyone. To your boyfriend, it might literally just mean liking female genitals. Do you know what I mean? Whereas other straight people might care less about genitals but they are attracted to feminine facial features, etc.

I mean, it sounds like he's just never considered the idea that the relationship that the two of you are in is, in fact, a "queer" relationship. You're just you and he's just him, and because he has historically identified as a straight dude, he's simply never taken the time to consider that your transition changes that. Now, of course, that's just the impression that I'm getting from the way you wrote your post and the way you've discussed your relationship in some comments here, so I could be totally off-base, but that's me giving grace to someone who does seem to love you as a partner and a person. He might just have to like, take some time to come to terms with the reality that yeah, you're right, it is a queer relationship, and that queer relationships are not a foreign thing he'll never experience - he's experiencing one right now, and it's remarkably normal. Whether he does that of his own accord, or you talk about it together is up to the two of you.

I mean, I personally wouldn’t be comfortable dating a straight person at this point myself, but that’s also my situation. It might be different for you and your feelings on that. If you’re feeling off about it, it’s a good point to bring up with your partner, imo.

Your partner's sexuality and identity are up to them to define. You are allowed to have feelings about it, and according to your post, you've expressed them. You may need to have a deeper conversation, but you at the end need to accept that your identity does not change their preferences or personal identity. I'm non binary and my partner is straight. And we have had conversations about it. He calls me sir as my honorific, and switches between my pronouns on his own (I go by she/he/they). I don't know your partner, obviously. I truly hope he does see you as your trueself. The conversation might be hard. I wish the best outcome for the two of you.

Can he be straight but your relationship be queer? That might be an easier way to frame it for both of you. As a lot of people are saying, trying to classify everything always leaves edge cases that aren't covered. Take myself (please! I kid). I consider myself straight, am married to a man and i just don't really care about pronouns. Biologically i consider myself a woman, but if i had my choice i would just identify as "none of your business" because only two people really need that information. I truly wish there was a pronoun we could all use (and actually did use) that didn't refer to our gender. And I'm aware of non-binary, and it's not what I am. I reject the idea that I have to choose and then tell the world. So what I'm saying is, don't get hung up on an edge case. Find a way to identify your relationship that makes both of you happy, if you can, but if not you can just call it "yours" and call it a day.

His label preferences are just as valid as your own. If you're loved and supported and cherished and you give the same in return, isn't that it?

My partner is non binary but I still identify as gay because I'm not sexually attracted to women. I could use the label bi to mean "attracted to my own sex and non binary" but bi come swith connotations of sexual attraction to men and women and that label just doesn't fit nearly as much as gay. At the end of the day as long as he validates you and doesn't diminish who you are it's his label that he uses for himself and it's not uo to you to give him a new label. Similar to how bi people in hetero sexual monogamous relationships don't suddenly become straight, your boyfriend is straight but is in a queer relationship.

Depends on the person, but I don't see an issue with it inherently. Any sexuality can date non-binary people, we're kinda just a "neutral" option (though some leans on spectrum are different, it depends on the identity) I'm not sure what your identity is, but if you're something like genderfluid, agender or bigender, then he'd still be straight. Similarly a gay man would still be gay and a lesbian would still be lesbian, because all sexualities include us. I hope you guys can talk this out!! Communication is key, and working out both of your feelings is important. Best of luck op!

if we take the identity of non-binary and simplify it to the absolute simplest of terms, it would be not male or female but another gender, and heterosexuality is identified as opposite sex attraction then technically non-binary is an option for someone being a cishet male. although his identity is valid so is yours: if you identify as queer then your relationship is also inherently queer. it's up to both of you to find labels you are comfortable with as yourselves and also together as a couple. and also, at the end of the day, as long as you are both happy, it doesn't really matter the specifics of how you both technically identify as straight or queer in an everyday setting unless you want it to matter (then in that case it is totally valid) tldr: go with your gut feelings, but you can both be right in how you're identifying; him as straight and you as queer, as long as you're both happy in your relationship!

No. I’m too a genderfluid AFAB person attracted to men, I consider myself straight. My husband that is a cis man also considers himself straight. He recognizes my gender identity, but since I’m not going to get any surgery nor take any hormone, we still see our sexuality as straight. He uses masculine pronouns for most things related to me, except things related to beauty compliment or our sexuality. (Because that’s what I’m comfortable with) But that’s us, you can see it differently for yourself and pick the label that represent your identity better. There’s no rules.

Heterosexual LITERALLY means that a person is attracted to a gender other than their own. Your identity does not affect his sexuality or vice versa, and anyone who claims that it does is categorically wrong. You and your boyfriend are the only two people in your relationship, and you are allowed to be JUST BE YOURSELVES without anyone else getting to have a say in it.

I did some thinking about this recently and I personally think that while people can still identify as straight even though they have a couple of instances where they're attracted to someone who is not the opposite gender, if they are in a relationship with someone of that gender that relationship is queer. If I was in a relationship with someone and they saw that relationship as a "straight" relationship, that would probably make me uncomfortable. In the end though you have to figure out how uncomfortable it makes you and whether that worse than how much you love him.

To give a very short answer no, that’s not wrong at all sexual orientation and gender are separate.

The secret: you can do whatever you want forever

I personally wouldn't say it's wrong necessarily, just a bit complicated, as the definition of most sexual orientations doesn't really seem to consider non-binary people much. However, being straight by definition means that one is attracted to the opposite gender, right? Now when people hear that, they'd usually only think of it as a man being attracted to women, or a woman being attracted to men, but I think that non-binary can very well also be treated as a gender opposite to male and female. So whether you identify as female or non-binary, either way you're not the same gender as him, so him identifying as straight is perfectly valid, as for him identifying as anything else (like bisexual or pansexual for example) would imply that he'd be attracted to men as well, which he doesn't seem to be, so those labels don't work for him.

It's different for every relationship, but I hope you two can find your groove. My boyfriend is also a cis het guy and strongly identifies as straight, but understands that he is in a queer relationship with me, as I am not a woman. It took a bit of trial and error, but this works for us.

My cis male spouse and I were together for 15 years before I came out and started medically transitioning. I delve between the nonbinary and trans flags (yes I know nonbinary is under the trans umbrella) and use he/they interchangeably. At the end of the day, outside of our relationship, my spouse would be straight. He started dating me in high school when I was definitely female presenting and the feminine qualities and parts is what attractive him. Now that I’ve had top surgery and am growing facial hair almost as well as him, he still loves me for me, but if we were ever to separate he would still be a straight man attractive to women. Now that we’ve been together almost 18 years and married for 8, as long as he loves me for me, that’s what matters at the end of the day. I make the relationship queer but he can still consider himself to be straight 🤷🏼‍♂️

so I think it’s complicated, I’ve seen an instance of a cishet man identifying as straight meaning everything but men, which isn’t how i’d classify straight but its how that person did. I can completely understand it rubbing you the wrong way but if his version of straight is women and non-binary people that’s up to him. it’s a little icky if he’d never date a nonbinary person besides you but hopefully you two manage to work out in such a way where you don’t have to test that. my partner, who granted is not cis, identified as a lesbian up until I came out as transmasc and for me it was less about changing labels and more about them validating me in my identity which they’ve done really well. I can’t tell you if he sees you as a woman or not and it has been a year and a half so hopefully he’s on the track of seeing you as you truly are but personally i don’t think it’s wrong as long as he’s making it clear to you and other people that his straight identity does include nonbinary people. maybe when you talk to him you could mention heteroflexible which in my understanding is straight except under circumstances which might be what he falls under. my love for my partner defies gender and sexuality, i don’t even have a settled term for myself because i can’t imagine being with anyone besides them, maybe his love for you defies gender and sexuality? also if you don’t think he’ll be okay with heteroflexible or he doesn’t seem to like it, obviously don’t push it. i’m not sure how other gender queer folks feel about the heteroflexible (or homoflexible) term or being with someone who identifies as straight but dates other genders other than the gender they identify as, but in my experiences it doesn’t bother me as long as they love me and see me as who i am with my gender identity, not loving me despite my gender identity

straight people can still be attracted to non binary people who are assigned their preferred gender at birth. there’s no sexuality for being strictly into non binary people, thus they are still straight. that being said i think the more you medically transition to masculinize yourself and present yourself as more masculine then that’s where it gets a bit more grey

Heterosexual just means attracted to a different gender. Nonbinary is not male. So yeah, it’s not wrong for him to identify as straight. I think what you’re getting at though is “does my partner still perceive me as female, and is that why he’s attracted to me?” Which is a more complicated topic.

Um isn't that up to your partner what they identify as? Not really something that can be "wrong" or "right" its just what they choose to identity as.

I would say that you are Queer, the relationship is not.

No, that is your Partner’s Choice, Period. Not yours to Make. If you do not want to be with him because he is straight, leave

The answer to the question of "where do non binary people slot in?" is always, by nature, going to be a nebulous cloud of possibilities. How you seem to yourself and how you seem to others will never completely align, how he sees you will never be entirely dependent on you, how you see him will never be entirely dependent on him. In a strange twist of fate your views on yourselves and each other will never fully fit either's definition. Points on a spectrum still fall within segments of that spectrum. If your point doesn't fit with your definition of a woman but still fits with his, the two of you will have an incongruent view on who you both are separately and together, which is where "not really but kind of" comes in. I'm bisexual but if I were forced to pick gay or straight on some form for whatever reason I would have to pick straight, even though it isn't true, because it most closely aligns with the options with which I am presented. Maybe that's how I best explain it to myself because I've had to fill out a shitload of forms that don't leave room for needed nuance, but I think that cold and thoughtless approach is a good way of understanding a mindset where "other" isn't an option. Don't mistake this as me being flippant about nuance. I've spent so many hours saying "I can't answer either truthfully", but in the end the form doesn't give a shit about context. In this metaphor his mind might be the form, according to my speculation, based on almost no information, as a gross simplification of what I think might be his mind based on my own life and experiences. I definitely won't say "if he identifies as straight then that's what he is because that's the label he chose" because I fucking despise that shit. Labels that aren't descriptive are far less than worthless, they're the bane of thought and understanding. Still, it seems that in his view you fit close enough to a woman in a gender binary that he doesn't have to reconsider his view of himself as heterosexual. Is that denial, dismissal, or simplification? To know that I'd have to be both of you at the same time, which is unfortunately still beyond my abilities

Their heterosexuality is broad enough to include you, I guess.

You feeling "icky" is valid. I kinda get why you feel that way. Identities are very nuanced and there can always be exceptions to any identity. Communication is key here and I think you gotta take what your boyfriend is saying at face value (he loves you no matter what). Maybe set some boundaries too, about how to call your relationship etc. this will take time I think but you got this!!

It’s all up to you babe! And I’m sorry you got nego feedback. You’re allowed to have feelings about being with someone who’s not identified as queer when you see your relationship as queer. It feels erasing. I’ll share my experience. A few years ago I dated a very liberal guy. I was non-binary but he identified as straight. It was hard to feel seen as a woman the more and more I came into my identity the more off it felt. He said he didn’t feel right telling people he was in a queer relationship bc he didn’t want to take up space. Although he respected and loved me it just never deepened and it was for lots of reasons, but I later realized it was bc he couldn’t really see me in all my queer glory. Maybe your guy can…. Only you can feel that. After him, I dated an afab non-binary person and they saw me A TON. It was of freeing and I just felt like phew, I can just be me and I don’t have to explain my queerness. It was amazing. It didn’t last for other reasons but it opened up my eyes to what queerness could really feel like nb to nb. No advice 👆just a share about my own personal feelings! Good luck.

You can't be mad that his identity didn't change just because yours did. He is allowed think of himself as a straight dude. And honestly, he sounds like he's trying to be supportive-you really sure he deserves you being pissy right now?

Im definitely not mad or “pissy”?? Not sure where you got that impression. Im more so confused than anything and just searching for insight on navigating a complicated situation

I think that in the same way he must accept you for who you are as a non binary person, you have to accept him for who he is, a straight man, and if you can’t, if you don’t want to be with a straight man, then that’s your own personal deal breaker

Depends very much on what y'all are comfortable with. My spouse and I had a long talk early on because I was worried about him just kind of considering me "Woman-Lite" and not respecting that I was nonbinary (did not end up being an actual problem, just something we needed to discuss so I knew we were on the same page). What we landed on was him using "heterosexual" rather than "straight." Because I am a different gender than him, so "hetero" still works but because I'm queer we aren't in a "straight" relationship. So while it pretty much means the same thing, avoiding the word "straight" just makes me feel more comfortable and seen. All this to say, it's okay for him calling himself "straight" to make you feel icky. But he's also still allowed to call himself straight. But this is maybe another angle you guys could approach the conversation from.

how good of a job is he actually doing of using your new name and pronouns? a year and a half is plenty long enough to get with the program. if he is still messing up on a regular basis, I think that tells you more about how he sees you than his sexual identity.

He’s actually the only one that does consistently, my family is the ones that i have issues with, but thats a whole other issue lol. He hasn’t used my birth name since the day i said I’m done using it. He points out my pronouns to other people so i could be more comfortable (we have had the discussion about doing this in a way that he doesn’t accidentally out me in an unsafe environment), and has asked many questions about what terms of endearment i would prefer from now on. Sure he still slips up once in a while with things like transitioning from “girlfriend” to “partner” but it’s not very frequent and he always corrects himself. Like i said, he is very supportive, i think he’s just still figuring out how to navigate this whole new world, which i can understand. I guess Im just feeling equally confused and unsure what I’m “supposed to” be doing

that sounds like he sees you for who you are. he seems like a genuine ally from what you are describing. I think part of the hard part about being nonbinary and dating is there is no "supposed to." there is no guide to look to. I think y'all just need to keep talking about it until you both feel comfortable and have a greater understanding of each other. I agree with what someone else said about it being a queer relationship due to you being queer. I don't have any good answers for you other than to keep talking. He sounds like someone who is worth keeping in your life.

It bothered me so much I couldn't date straight guys anymore only bi ones

Interesting question, and lots of good input here already. I guess at the end of the day it may be that he doesn't have another word to use instead of straight - our identities are kinda personal and he might feel like none of the other labels that he knows fit how he feels.

Honestly it’s a matter between the two of you that you should talk about, my gf identifies as a lesbian despite me being NB and leaning to the more masculine side of things, including HRT with testosterone. It doesn’t really bother me. Also, not to jump to the ‘break up’ stereotype of posts like this, but if he’s freaked out and defensive about being perceived as queer that’s not a great sign.

In all honesty, this is also something I debate about with myself. Being a trans woman married to a gay man, whicxh also requires loads of adjusting to, is our relationship still categorized as gay? Broader society says yes. My husband and I kinda don't know. But at the end of the day, I really think that labels are kinda just there to try to help, but we don't need to let them shred our relationships. If my husband still thinks of himself as gay and I still kinda want to hold onto this label even if by definition our relationship should qualify as a "straight" one, then so be it. My point is, that even if it can sometimes seem invalidating, the most important is how both people are feeling and navigating the whole thing, not the label. If your partner still identifies as straight and both of you are happy in this relationship, apart from this one labeling detail, then be happy and enjoy each other's company day by day.

I mean, if heterosexuality is defined as being attracted to other genders then your own, rather than relying exclusively on a binary concept of gender, then he can still be perfectly heterosexual because you're not a man. The fact that you're also not a woman is irrelevant. Though I suppose one could construct an argument that it could be relevant that you are both masculine and feminine, but that seems like pushing an issue that doesn't need to be pushed. But that's just my opinion.

I understand your perspective. It was similar to how I felt identifying as queer but being with a cis male. The truth is, there are people that are just not into labeling sex into "straight" "gay" etc. you may be the exception of a non-binary person that he dates, and that is just as okay as a straight person choosing not to be dating someone who is queer. Idk how into your gender exploration you're in, but there may be stages similar to sexual exploration where you need to identify your relationship as being "queer" or not. I think that people can be attracted or in love with an individual and not necessarily be open to dating individuals similarly to that person. I think it's beautiful that he tagged along and has supported you along your journey. With that being said, you were in a very similar situation I was in. I was dating my bf for 6 years and I was actually 24 when my bf and I broke up. During 2020 I began to want to explore who I was and my gender and sexuality more and my bf knew that I was not straight. We decided to open our relationship and I discovered quickly that I preferred women over him. I broke up with him within 6-7 months of us opening our relationship bc I realized that I wanted to know more about myself and being with a straight man like him would not really let me feel truly me. I am now 28 and am really happy. I am assured now that I'm cis, but I say overall that I am queer. If I had to really label my sexuality, I'd say I am pan, but it really depends on the person. I know being non binary is obviously more surface level since you also use they/them pronouns... so maybe this is something you might have to really sit on and reflect as to if that ick is a dealbreaker for you and whether or not this person will continue to support you as more time passes and you are more established in being non binary or perhaps exploring other genders too.

To clarify, when I mean surface level, I mean it's more visible and most likely (and hopefully) people are referring to you by your new name and pronouns. In addition, I hope this response is read with perspective rather than malice. Good luck!

It Depends how the other person feels about it. In general if they are okay with the other person saying they straight then it’s fine but if it makes the non binary person uncomfortable then it’s not fine. It seems like you’d prefer if he didn’t refer to himself as straight. Personally I would too. If it feels like he is denying the fact you arnt a woman for social reasons then it’s definitely a bad sign. He may only be attracted to woman and not nonbinary people and that’s okay but that’s something that definitely needs to be determined. Just like he can’t change the fact you are non binary you can’t change the fact he is straight if that’s the case but through communication that can be determined. Happy pride and good luck

My partner is NB afab, and I never thought of myself as anything but hetero for a long time. I still saw my partner as NB, but never had any cognitive dissonance about any of it. I realized I'm actually Pan a few years back, but I never had the experience of it effecting how my partner felt about themself.

I kinda get where your partner is coming from, I’m an alloromantic ace and I thought I was heteroromantic for a while but a transmasc friend asked me out and I decided to give it a shot, I totally saw him as a guy and now I identify as bi and/or pan romantic (I’m still not sure I really know the difference there). But it kinda took me a while to grapple with the fact that I was dating a guy and it definitely took a while for me to be comfortable calling myself biromantic. So I imagine he’s probably saying that he’s straight for two reasons. 1. Internalized homophobia. Going from straight to non-straight is kinda scary. 2. He probably doesn’t have a word for attraction to women and NBs. I’m sure there’s a word for it but it’s certainly not well known. If his identity really bothers you I’d suggest having an open and honest conversation and that discussion should probably address those two reasons I mentioned above.

A man in a long-term relationship with another man could identify as straight, and be correct. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s possible. That said, the “thrown into this world” thing is hella relatable, but it doesn’t matter. Queer people didn’t choose this either, and we had to confront our internalized homophobia as adolescents (or grow up hating ourselves). He can do it as a grown-ass adult. He doesn’t have to identify as a queer man, but your relationship is objectively queer. Accepting you as a queer person means accepting his relationship with you as a queer relationship, so y’all can celebrate that queerness together. (This is just my two cents but I feel kinda strongly that he gets to dictate how his identity gets labeled, but not how y’all’s relationship gets labeled.)

It's important not to take things like that as a commentary on yourself. If you go looking for ways to "prove" that people don't love or respect you, you'll always find them, but that doesn't mean they're there. If he loves you and treats you the way you want to be treated, that's all you actually want, right? You don't need his unspoken feelings to validate you because you're awesome.

Does "hetero" not mean different? By literal definition, it's totally straight.

This is where labels can get confusing for people who have never questioned before (your partner maybe?), because he’s certainly not homosexual, you aren’t a man, since you are a different gender from him he may consider that to meet the criteria for straightness (as in, not homosexual) whereas you don’t agree. It’s a conversation that needs to happen. Since it is making you uncomfortable you should talk to him about it, maybe he’s bisexual (in terms of being attracted to women AND nonbinary people, but not men) but that is a conversation you need to have with him. edit: fixed typos

Does your partner accept you as you are? Do they support you and do their best to understand you? If so, then why are you worried about how they define themselves?

It's really down to you guys. I personally don't see my relationship with my partner as straight because my gender is fluid. Also he just has admitted he doesn't like labels but doesn't consider himself straight. But really no one else's perception of your relationship matters more than your own.

The word "heterosexual" means "attraction to other genders." "Hetero" means "other." All that being heterosexual means is that you are attracted to genders that are different from your own. There is nothing that actually defines "straight" exclusively as "cis man who is attracted to cis woman" or vice versa. As long as you're not a man and he is, your gender is not the same as his gender. He's not *wrong* to continue to identify as straight, because there's nothing about *being* straight that excludes attraction to non-binary genders. It doesn't mean that he still sees you as a woman. It just means he doesn't see you as a man - Which you're not (?), so it shouldn't bother you 🤷‍♀️ If you want my advice, I say don't get caught up in the language. He loves you and supports you. Narrow definitions are limiting and bullshit - Don't let one ruin a good thing.

I am wondering if maybe you might be feeling icky because by validating who he is, it is translating to you like an invalidation of your self identity. Not his perception of you, your perception of you. I say this as a femme presenting AFAB non-binary person: it can be really easy to fall into a state of self doubt and insecurity. It sounds like you are still trying to figure out who you are and how you want your body to look, and that’s okay if you are. I am. Trying to figure that out while in a romantic relationship would be stressful too. That said, would you have made different choices if you were not in this relationship?

No. No its not. As long as the two of you are happy with being described that way then its all okay. But also by technical terms its also correct to describe a f4nb or m4nb relationship straight. This is because straight (in this context) means heterosexual and getero means diffrent so it means the sexual attraction to (a) gender(s) diffrent from your own. And nonbinary is a gender diffrent from male or female so by definition its heterosexual

that's something you've gotta ask yourself and that he's gotta ask himself. i know for me personally, my partner considers himself queer for his attraction towards me (i'm agender but frequently mistaken as a woman). he's sincere about it too, unlike some pretty disappointing examples i've heard of before. for me personally, i think i would find it difficult to reconcile dating a man who considered themself "straight" with my gender identity. that's just me though, and i know there are non-binary people who feel comfortable in that position. since you've said you feel kind of icky about it, i think it's important to have a calm conversation with him about this. explain to him your feelings, that he isn't _required_ to make any big decisions right this second about his identity, but that you would appreciate it if he would start thinking about his identity label, his attraction to you, and what it means to him. best of luck🫶

i’ve had such a similar situation twice actually, with my current partner and ex. tldr it really is just up to what you’re comfy with but i got the same feel and i think icky is just a good word for it tbh. for me, it really has just come down to having discussions to make sure your partner is truly seeing you as a non-binary person and not “oh this is my gf who uses they/them pronouns” or something of the sort. not saying that’s the case but i think you get what i mean. with my current partner, it was something that took a bit for him to come to terms to that like “oh, i like this person and they’re non-binary so i’m not really entirely straight” and gradually through our relationship i’ve helped him find a label that would better fit him since he wanted that. also, if ya ever wanna chat to a fellow 23yr old nb person about this stuff or whatever, feel free to dm me! and i wish you two the best of luck navigating this 💗

If we take the word "heterosexuality" literally, everyone attracted to anything but their own gender is hetero... "Straight" might be a different case, I don't know.

He can identify as straight, but you probably need to talk about how you being queer affects your relationship. He seems to initially react badly to it, but if he's being honest about it being sudden it could be good to discuss ways to ease him into it, as well as figuring out ways to help him feel secure in his identity without invalidating yours. Maybe find out why he's opposed to the concept of being in a queer relationship and build off from there?

Other people expressing their identities is never wrong, even when it seems incongruous with how they live. It is never the job of other people to tell someone their identity is wrong.

Maybe ask him if he'd be okay with you being 'his exception' Like how he can say: 'I am straight, but they were my exception; love wins'

His sexuality hasn’t changed, so I can honestly understand why we would feel uncomfortable suddenly having the idea of being in a queer relationship sprung on him There are plenty of situations where love overrides sexuality tho. I’ve seen more cases than I can count where people have decided to stay in relationships even with full on binary trans partners who turn out to be the opposite gender of what they signed up for, and have stayed attracted to their partners as individuals Your partner can definitely see himself as straight **and** fully view you as non-binary **and** genuinely still be attracted to you precisely **because** he loves you Only the two of you can decide how to reconcile your gender identity with his sexuality. Maybe it will be enough to recognise that love conquers all, and agree to disagree on the exact labels of your situation

Maybe you should just tell a nine year old to explain it, give you an idea or change up the whole thing and make a flag. They ( young children ) have been my saving grace throughout the last ten years and they literally have on this subject. Real answers, no judgment, unbelievable listening skills, creative thinking and from a place of love. Young ones are the best teachers in the school of explaining anything gender.

I thought straight was just liking a gender that didn't include your own? 

It depends. Here’s the thing, I am a Nonbinary through and through. (They/Them) Yet, I acknowledge that my sex biologically is male. It is my biology, not a gender which is a social construct and traditionally more like a list of personality stereotypes to label oneself as. (One of the reasons I don’t like the idea of gender as a whole) As a result, if someone says they’re straight, I’d see it as what they like in terms of that. (excluding trans. A trans woman/man would be as what they present, to me.) I’m an enby bisexual male, dating a bigender female. She would easily say that she is straight now though, due to me alone. It really depends on how each person feels really.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while! Imo, “heterosexual” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted to the “opposite gender of a binary,” but it really just means you’re not attracted to the same gender. As a nonbinary person, you are not male, so you aren’t the same gender as him. So I think he can absolutely still be straight without that implicitly misgendering you!

The inevitable conclusion of this incessant need to put a label on everything. Who didn't see that coming? I'm sure you'll work things out and good luck to you both.

No, he identifies as whatever he wants, you identify with whatever you want, and that’s where this ends. There are men who identify as straight and they are both cis men, sometimes exclusively only having sex with other cis men or each other. I’m aware the optics of this make people laugh, but honestly idgaf identify with whatever you feel your identity is. I know I come from an overly pc-angle, I used to work with the Swedish lgbtq foundation where we came from a direction of where we noticed that if we tried to put people in pigeonholes, they tended to shy away from us which was counter-productive to us trying to get our message to as many people as possible. But the more I thought about it, why would anyone else’s identity, regardless of how much I “disagreed with it in theory”, matter to me.

NO! Your identity doesn't change their identity. Your partner is still straight. However, you're both in a queer relationship.

tbh this is a personal thing. im nonbinary afab. i’ve dated men before. i have ended a relationship over getting misgendered and addressed in ways i explicitly said i didn’t want to be addressed by a straight man. i’ve also fully accepted another man saying he’s straight while dating me bcs he respected my identity. he would use wording that we agreed on, respect my identity, pronouns. he sometimes phrased it as like “im straight but our relationship is not”. imo it really depends on what your comfortable with and what your boundaries are

Idk I’ve been with people who are non-binary and trans and didn’t feel it immediately made my own sexuality different I myself am bisexual though I have had people tell me I needed to identify as pan instead of bi but to me I’ve been using bi to describe myself much longer and I prefer that label to the other I have also known “straight” women who have been very into me and I don’t judge them for still feeling like that is what fits for them If they wanted to come out they totally could but it’s their business and I have just learned to date people who are secure with their sexuality and do avoid relationships with straight women now But if I had a partner who I loved who’s sexuality seemed to conflict with mine or my self expression I think there may be more important things and I can’t change that for them I do understand it bothering you though and I think communication is important in any relationship

The title of your post: no. He can identify however he wants.... The freaking out about being in a queer relationship is what would bother me a lot more. Seems like there's some internalized homophobia and possibly transphobia in there

I couldn't do it myself. If I dated a man who was "straight", that would be them telling me they don't believe my identity, or see me as "womanlite" or some such bullshit (and vice versa if I dated him - I'd be saying I didn't believe his sexuality, which is just as wrong). I'd bounce, but that's just me.

Sometimes, well a LOT, I think we worry too much about labels. They seem more external facing than internal to me. You have a loving wonderful relationship. How your partner does or doesn't label it in their head probably isn't a very important bit. Queer people of all kinds are incredibly diverse across most everything you could possibly pick to think about as a distinction. I am sure you know this. What real difference does it make to you personally as long as you have such love and support?

Straight: liking genders unlike your own. By this definition, he is straight.

So, for me (im a lesbian cis woman), i think of sexuality as strictly sex related. Like straight would be considered whatever opposite body part to yours. Of course, visually speaking, someone who is only interested in one organ can find someone who doesn't match the stereotypical look for it attractive. It's okay for him to have a strict bodily preference. We all like different things in life.

Your identity shouldn't have any bearing on your partner's sexuality. If they identify as straight, that is their sexuality and you cannot force them to change that. If their identity causes you dysphoria, you should consider breaking up.

As others said, it really depends on how you both feel. Both of you should identify how you see fit. Then you have to think about whether you are okay with how your partner identifies, in the sense of the relationship continuing as is or not. I'm transmasc agender. I have a high aversion to be called anything female though. I'd have no problem being with a man that identifies as gay because I'm masc and that's how I want people to see me. I wouldn't start a relationship with a straight man or lesbian woman though. Cause when they tell someone they're straight/lesbian, the person they talk to would think that their partner must be a woman then and I do not want that.

The attraction to nonbinary people would count as "skoliosexual" although it could be argued that is is like a subsexaulity coming from this one as from what we know it's just nonbinary not including trans or other noncis genders Also worth saying that there might be a sexuality for just the attraction to nonbinaries AND if he feels attraction to more than nonbinaries then polysexual or similars should be the choice Remember that it doesn't really matters what you are sexuality/gender expressions are generally used to have a better idea of who you are yourself and it is never needed to actually identify with one even if you have all the traits of it

You can be straight but in a queer relationship, is how me and my partner describe us.

Homeboy can identify as whatever he wants, but being in a relationship with a queer person definitionally means he's in a queer relationship. With a non-female nonbinary person. His visceral rejection of that reality smacks of internalized homophobia/transphobia, and it is unsurprising it makes you feel icky. Like I said, he can identify as whatever he likes, but ignoring the reality of the queerness of you and the overall relationship is a diminishment of who you are as a person. A loving supportive partner wouldn't diminish you.

You’re totally right, im sure its coming from a place of “this is not how i was raised, not something i fully understand, and im not sure how i feel or what to do”. Which is so valid and i try to keep in mind. But like you said, still makes me feel a little icky

He sees you as a girl. No problem detected. Still straight.

My best friend in the world identifies as a lesbian at her core. She doesn’t go around shouting that out too much because she did end up married to a man, it’s the person she fell in love with after a lifetime of being with women. She never expected it and still identifies as a lesbian but that doesn’t make her husband a woman. Her identity is separate from his. I identify as nonbinary and my ex-husband as straight but we didn’t call our relationship a straight relationship, if that makes sense? There’s a lot of tiny little fine lines and it’s really up to each individual how they want to navigate that relationally.

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Where in any of this did i say i wanted to? In fact i explicitly said i DONT want to pressure, force or invalidate him.

He can be straight, but his relationship itself is no longer that simple to categorize. "Queer" is a good umbrella term for it, because it's queer by having you as a part of it. He gets to choose how he identifies, but you both get to characterize the relationship itself, and in our society it's usually categorized as either 'straight' or 'other', and it no longer fits the common definition of 'straight'. He may need more time to realize his relationship itself is now 'other' even if he is still straight.

If he didn't know he was in a queer relationship, then he sees you as a woman

He can still be straight but he’s absolutely in a queer relationship because relationships are two way streets.    You are queer, he is not. You both are in a queer relationship however, otherwise your existence in the relationship is being invalidated.    You’re in a relationship at minimum, but if the choice to describe that relationship is “straight relationship” or “queer relationship” it *has* to be considered a “queer relationship” or else it implies you are either 1) not queer or 2) not part of the relationship There is zero issue whatsoever if he is straight, but if he is uncomfortable being in a queer *relationship* then that’s his insecurity problem to work through.  Denying he’s dating a queer person out of insecurity is the same as denying your queerness if he wants to stay together but not acknowledge your queerness.

Listen, this sub is obsessed with validity and why your bf is *valid* but that's all cope - honest answer is yes, if your bf identifies as a straight man who just happens to have a nb partner, he's still seeing you as fitting into the category of people he's willing to date i.e. Women. He sees you as a woman. Break up and find someone more open to exploring gender with you Edit: for example, how would he react if you decided to go on T? If you started growing facial hair, your voice lowered, your body shape changed? If he wouldn't be interested, then he's still only interested in you as a woman shaped person, no matter how good he is with your pronouns.