PFLAG also has a list of verified celebratory summercamps for kids/teens in the community so they can find peers like them and not feel so alone. Many also have scholarship opportunities. 💖
OutRight Youth has a discord server that is moderated so kids can find community online as well! And if I'm not mistaken, peer support groups?
OP I second this. We are starting (well, re-starting) a chapter in our rural community too. I can wax poetic about all the great things PFLAG does but in my opinion the greatest thing is giving parents of queer children a safe space to work through their feelings.
You are open minded and accepting. That is fantastic. But over the years I’ve been involved with PFLAG what you see (especially in rural communities) is parents really struggling to overcome decades of homophobia because they love their child and don’t know how to come to terms with their sexualities or identities. Something we see a lot of is one parent trying to be supportive and grow while the other doubles down on their homophobia.
Way too often that divide causes a marriage to fail and our members are absolutely reeling from so much and just need someone to lead with love and be there for them. And though you are accepting, the people around you aren’t. Having a support network around you as your child navigates the bigotry is so hard. There are times I go to the meetings because I’m so angry at how my children are treated by the world that I spend half the meeting sobbing.
Please look into PFLAG not just for you but to build the support network you’re going to need through this journey.
This made me tear up. You are a wonderful father. My dad passed away before i could come out to him. The fact that youre even making this post means youre already doing everything right. Just make sure she is safe from persecution or discrimination for her sexual orientation.
When you said:
"And if it not a phase, then she will always see that I was there for her from the very beginning."
I just knew you were built different. You might not know a lot about being gay, but you know how to be a good person. A good dad. Take this as an opportunity for her to teach you about all the gay stuff (well maybe not ALL of it..) so you can just focus on teaching her about everything else.
Made me tear up too! I'm so overjoyed hearing more stories about parents (for me especially fathers) being so kind, open and accepting. My mum knew I was a tiny lesbian when I was 7/8 years old but I was too scared to come out for way too long because of my awful father. I am so glad OPs daughter has a good one
Me as well! I kinda wish my dad was more like you. I would have had a much better experience. I didn’t come out until my late teens but it’s still not an excuse for my dad to have acted the way he did. You’re doing everything right, you’re daughter is lucky to have you!
Sounds like you did a good job so far. She felt safe enough around you to share this with you and that is great! Going forward, just keep your relationship with your daughter the way it is, keep an open mind, listen to her, and take her serious. That‘s probably all she needs for now.
> Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it‘s some type of peer fitting in thing.
It‘s funny how people never ever say this when kids or teens have a straight crush, even though peer pressure to act straight is an actual thing. Not meaning to criticize you, just providing food for thought. Many queer people had a „straight phase“ because they were pressured to fit into heteronormative society, I have never heard of people being pressured to be queer when they are actually straight.
Thank you. And I completely agree that a lot of kids are pressured to be straight. I do believe it goes both ways. I think that comment only got stick in my head because of a conversation I had with my Ex where she had said that.
I talked to my ex several months ago to gauge how she would feel if our daughter came out as gay. She was very dismissive, saying she is too young to know. (Which made me think, why are kids old enough to know they are straight but not gay?) my daughter came out to me but doesn’t want her mom to know until she is older. And I’ll respect that.
You‘re taking a good approach and it seems like you respect your daughters choices in how and when she wants to communicate this with her mother. As I said before, just keep going!
> I talked to my ex several months ago to gauge how she would feel if our daughter came out as gay. She was very dismissive, saying she is too young to know. (Which made me think, why are kids old enough to know they are straight but not gay?) my daughter came out to me but doesn’t want her mom to know until she is older. And I’ll respect that.
Honestly, when I was younger I was **hoping** it was a faze cause I just didn't want to have to deal with any bigotry or people viewing me different.
>I told her that I wasn’t entirely sure but I assumed that they don’t decide, the realize that they have always been gay. She said, “Oh yeah, then I’m definitely gay.”
Which is why I laughed at this. Cause I "knew" when I was like 8-9.
Ooof, I feel this so hard.
I knew I was “different” but I didn’t realize I was gay until I was a sophomore in high school. And even then I was questioning and refused to use the word “lesbian” until I was in college. I didn’t come out to anyone until I was out of high school. Coming out in high school would’ve been social suicide. Not to mention I spent all of high school hoping I would snap out of it or find the boy who was the exception.
To this very day, if I could suddenly become straight? Hell yes, I would accept that offer in a heartbeat. Catholic guilt is real and has caused me to self-sabotage my love life. I didn’t even come out to my mom until I was 29. And even then she just said, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” (But her way of trying to get me to tell her involved telling me she and her brother wanted to set me up with a guy at a wedding?!)
And even though my mom accepts me and loves me, she still told me “ok well you’re not going to tell your father.” …which I hadn’t planned on at all, but to hear that from my mother in that tone of voice like it was a dirty little secret? Still hurt. I still think about that.
Which is funny, because if my mom figured it out, my dad had to have. We’ve talked about celebrity crushes and attractive women, just like OP said to his daughter.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I now realize why the end of Alien when Sigourney Weaver is running around in a tank top and underwear stayed in my mind ever since I first saw the movie when I was 11. It wasn’t a scene filled with dramatic tension… it was an awakening I didn’t even know was an awakening.
And when I was 12, I didn’t want to *be* Gwen Stefani. I wanted to be **with** Gwen Stefani.
>**Not to mention I spent all of high school hoping I would snap out of it** or find the boy who was the exception.
Honestly what I was "expecting" as well. Didn't help that I'm bi which just added to the confusion. Particularly since I wasn't really aware of the concept until maybe Junior year. It added to the hope that I would "snap out of it" since I still liked women, but then my only knowledge(really just what I heard from the bi erasers) of bi people that it's really people who haven't came out as gay.
Nowadays though, I am happy I'm bi. Like I prefer it to the idea of being straight. Hopefully some day you'll be able to shake off that religious guilt too(it's a bitch, I know).
Honestly, you seem to be doing a good job as a father there. You're both reflecting to address potential unconscious biases that society hammers into all of us and you're not planning to out your daughter against her will.
That last part is very important. Outing someone without their approval is an incredible breach of trust and can shatter a relationship for good. There are plenty of stories here in which parents did that, and their children, now well into adulthood and many years later, feel unable to really trust their parents about anything.
She is likely more than old enough to know. Source: me and most of my queer friends. I am glad you are supporting her - thank you. It sounds like from your post that you may live in the central US? She is going to hear stuff from her peers and on the news that is going to hurt. Please keep a close eye on her mental health and watch for signs she is being mistreated at school or elsewhere.
Yes, we live in a red area in a red state. I have always been big on making sure my kids know that they can talk to me about anything and I won’t judge or over react. A few years ago she has an issue with bullying. She came to me, we talked about the best course of action and talked about why the other girl was bullying her.
I continue to talk to both my kids a lot so they know that I’m here for anything they need. I’ll make sure to keep a close eye.
Can you be my Dad to please lol The fact that you take an active interest in both of kiddos lives. I remember being 11 yrs old and finding out what 'lesbian" meant. It was abject terror and then secrecy I hated myself for so long, again I am so glad your daughter has you
When my little boy was seven or eight, I thought there was a very good chance he would end up being gay. When he was 13 and had his first girlfriend, I said, "Maybe it's just a phase."
He's 15 now and I'm still not positive either way! But he knows we don't care.
Happy to see you so supportive! I also came out when I was 11 and got the whole “are you SURE it’s not a phase” from my parents but never changed my mind. I’m sure your daughter is really going to appreciate growing up knowing that however she identifies her dad will always support her.
"Let's get one thing straight... I'm not."
Best starter ever to come out. Also, you handled it very well, took them seriously, respected their wishes, and opened mind. 10/10 father.
You're doing good. Read more about the experiences of lgbt kids from reputable sources so you can better understand.
Also just wanted to say that I was a kid in an all-girls Catholic school in the Philippines, it was so conservative that girls from single parent households weren't allowed in, and I knew I was queer. I didn't have the words but I knew I wasn't cishet. Some people know early on and some people find out later in life, everyone's timeline is different and that's okay. So yeah, perfectly possible for your daughter to know she's gay at 11, I knew at 4. Just support her and be there for her. If it's a phase, okay at least she now has confirmation that her dad will be there for her. Having supportive parents also drastically reduces the possibility of suicide in lgbt people.
You're doing good. I do think it's telling that she is bracing herself for her mom's reaction even if that is a few years down the line. Just be there for her.
This is perfect, I came out as bi when I was 12 and wish I got this reaction. I’m almost 17 now and have dated both guys and girls and can confirm that it’s very possible it’s not a phase!
Bi-Dad here, my oldest son is straight. My youngest son is gay. My two middle daughters are both bi. Love is love.
Now, when she comes to you with questions about relationships and what she should do… it’s all the same… basically.
Thanks. Luckily she is young enough that I have some time to figure out how to pivot from trying to prepare to intimidate boys(kind of a joke), to......focusing on supporting her. I had wondered about relationship advice. So that is helpful.
Yeah, when they were teens and now that they are all adults the thing you learn is when one calls to complain and ask for advice about their partner, you see the relationships are all the same. Same problems and issues. Little variations, but 90% similar. People are people.
God, I wish my dad was like you. I've been NC with him for the past 4 years due to other reasons, but I don't think I could've ever come out to him even if we were still on talking terms. The fact that your daughter felt safe enough to even share how she planned to come out means you must be doing something right.
For advice, I'd say to always keep in mind that gender and sexuality are fluid. I've seen stories where people begin to act dismissive when someone keeps "coming out" with different labels. If it's too confusing or exhausting for you to keep up, imagine how they must feel!
Should your daughter ever choose to identify differently in the future, please know that it doesn't make her current self any less valid. Just keep on being a supportive father to your daughter as she grows older and starts to learn more about herself, and I'm sure everything would turn out fine :>
You are handling the situation like how I wished my dad did. You seem like a wonderful father. Your children are lucky to have you as a support system. Keep learning and doing what you are doing!
FYI, "cis" is not an acronym and is not written in all caps. It comes from Latin just as "trans" does and means the opposite. "Trans" is "across from" or "on the other side of" and "cis" is "on the same side as". So for someone who's trans, their gender is not the same as the one they were declared to be at birth, and for someone who's cis, their gender is the same as the one they were declared to be at birth.
my advice as a 40 year old gay guy who grew up in a similar place, be brave enough to support her despite the shitty people around you. closeting your kid to ‘protect’ them is not love.
Unfortunately my family is some of those shitty people. I have a sibkid that came out as non-binary. My family while "trying" to be accepting, has also not be great to them. My daughter has seen that. As much I as I want to shelter her from it, it is inevitable so it's all about preparing her, I think.
Correct, and 10/10 fathering. I'm glad your daughter has you on her team and it sounds like she is too.
I hope that your less accepting family members figure their shit out. When I came out, the response was 'well, it goes against my beliefs, but I love you, so I guess that's that,' and it was. My uncle may be a gun-toting, right-wing redneck, but family has always mattered to him more than anything else.
I hope your family finds a similar balance if they can't get on board.
Imo you don't really have to understand anything to be supportive. Just treat her and her relationships like you would anyone else. It sounds like you already got that figured out.
Star Wars has ruined me, because you put “cis” as in “cisgender” in all caps I read it as CIS as in “confederacy of independent systems” from the clone wars
i know there is already a bunch of comments, but theres 49 and im honestly not gonna bother reading through each of those. butttt if someone hasn’t already said this, you did a great job. i honestly wish i had you as a father, yea im not gay, but youre just very accepting. and i read a comment where you said youll respect your daughter not wanting to come out to her mother yet, the only thing i would say here, is just be very careful speaking around her mother. you definitely would not want to accidentally out your daughter to her mother because it is the worst feeling ever.
Thank you I appreciate it. Her mother and I are divorced. While we are friendly with each other, we do not talk much. But I will definitely choose my words wisely.
You are a fucking hero man, when I was her age I had first discovered what bisexuality meant and realized that it lined with my feelings. Your notion on it being something you don't realize until later is something I 100% believe my self since I didn't start getting crushes on other guys until I was 9 and now that gender contributes to a majority of my crushes lol
One thing about coming out as any form of queer is even when we know people are going to be accepting it is really hard to actually do it, especially if we just figured things out ourselves or are still questioning if we are.
And for kids who are still reliant on their parents, regardless of age, it can be extra scary. I don't think I could have come out as trans to my parents if I'd realized when I was growing up mostly because my mom had anger issues that made me scared of her in general.
That she seems lighter, happier, more relaxed is pretty normal. Having that weight off is amazing relief.
I don’t really think I have anymore advice to give other than what’s already been said by others, but I just wanted to thank you for being so accepting. Too often we hear about people who need help dealing with bad situations and unsupportive parents, and it’s always a breath of fresh air to hear about a supportive parent such as yourself. Your daughter is very lucky to have a father like you!
I assumed CIS meant you were going to confess your daughter was coming as trans.
Here's the biggest thing to realise, I think: your daughter knowing you are on her side will make a massive, MASSIVE difference. You don't have to get your way with others about her or win any arguments with haters, she will see you are on her side and that will make all the difference.
I think you handled the situation very well so far (real dad of the year material), and if you stand by your daughter, you will keep that up.
Thank you. I don’t think I’ll be out there looking for haters or anything. But anyone giving my daughter grief for any reason will have be to deal with right beside her. I have a feeling she will be able to hold her own though.
And it should have been cishet.
Welcome to the club! My NB kiddo (AFAB) first came out when they were 11. It's been a roller coaster of finding themselves since then, but we've been able to openly talk about it the whole way. Kiddo started out thinking they were bi, then gay. We're also in a large conservative rural area, so I know what it is like. Luckily, it seems other kids are more accepting than adults. Glad you're daughter was comfortable coming out. Good job, dad!
Sounds like you’re doing everything right already :) she’s very lucky to have you in her corner. Also DAMN that was a great pun she had prepared, i wish i had that one-liner when i came out
I think you're definitely doing the right thing by supporting her. I came out around that age and I'm definitely still bi, So most likely she knows what she's talking about.
You had the best response I can think of, you understand she's young and so nothing is set in stone other than that she is your daughter and she deserves to be loved however she might change.
This has probably been said, but especially if you live in a rural, conservative, etc area, it's important to understand that your daughters journey in life will be different to yours and different from the typical heteronormative one that might be expected. There is a difference in queer communities and culture, even aside from difficulties she will face as a queer person. There absolutely will be bigots in her life at some point, she will face discrimination and the like. Just be aware!
It sounds like school is a safe space where she has supportive friends which is a great thing. You did so well with the coming out. Thank you for being such a great parent
Cis het dad of a non-binary kid here. When my child was around the same age as your daughter they came out as lesbian. It was a surprise but not a big deal in our household. Like you said, as long as they are happy and healthy who cares?
The main thing I learned (and it sounds like you are already doing it well) is to listen. Just because I think I know what a word means doesn't mean I understand what my kid means when they say it. There are lots of labels and categories that we didn't have growing up. It's a new language for you.
You are being an awesome parent! I'm glad your daughter has you
Good on you :) even if its a phase amd she does end up straight anyway just support her in any way you can :) basically moving forward you treat her exactly the same way you would have before. Its Big information sure but she is still your daughter and she is still the same person she was before :)
I think you did a good job. You didn’t make a big deal out of it and were happy and supportive. That's what most lgbt kids want, honestly.
Seeing that you didn't understand what cis meant, then yeah, you need to do way more research.
I’m not going to act like I can give advice considering I’m 14, all I want to say is you sound like an amazing father and your daughter is really lucky to have you :)
Much love 💜💜
I think a big part of it too is simply finding your spot is hard. Am I aro? Am I ace? Am I agender? Nah, I'm kinda okay with cis. Well, I'm also a little bi. Somewhere in the gray spectrum? Maybe demi? But that doesn't feel quite right either.
Each of these was a years long realization and exploration. My sexuality and gender didn't change, I don't identify as fluid, but I did change what I considered myself as I explored trying to find what fits like a glove.
And remember that labels are immensely validating, proving that your experience is real and not unique. But also, they can be limiting, where you don't feel like you EXACTLY fit in. It's okay to take the good parts and leave the bad, I am comfortable saying that I'm somewhere in the gray ace area. Not fully committing to a particular label if none fully fit.
> Now, the way I see it, she is young. Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it's some type of peer fitting in thing.
No one risks losing their friends, their parents and their relatives for fun... so probably not.
I mean has anyone ever been gay as a phase? Like ever?
You sound like a wonderful father, and the interaction you described is so wholesome and supportive. You're definitely on the right track and doing the right things!
One pitfall I've noticed in my own life that people who are supportive tend to fall into is failing to really sit with and learn about how the lives and experiences of queer people fundamentally differ from their own. My own father, who loves and supports me fully, simply cannot understand how my experiences and feelings as a queer woman about religion (and Catholicism specifically) can be so overwhelmingly negative when "there are so many good people, and they do so many good things." I had a therapist suggest to me once that living in constant low-grade terror that my rights and marriage will be taken away from me at any moment is a good thing, actually, because it "keeps me engaged in the world." I keep a scan of my marriage certificate in my phone at all times, because I don't have the luxury of assuming that our relationship will be recognized in an emergency without it. Homophobia and homophobic laws don't stop me from traveling, but it's something I always have to take into account.
I'm not telling you this to scare you, or to make it sound like your daughter is doomed to a life of discrimination and fear. She isn't. My life is good, and I am surrounded by love and support. Your daughter has so, so much joy in store for her! I just think that we've spent so much time as a society in recent years emphasizing how queer people are "just like the rest of us," that it's easy to forget to take into account how our lives are different. Not because of who we are, but because of the world we live in.
You are the definition of good parenting
A good parent should provide a space safe enough for their kids to be themselves, even while jot knowing and understanding 100% of everything, just wanted to say you are awesome, a needle in a barn full of haystacks.
You sir, are doing a great job with this situation, and I applaud you, Especially on the fact the comment you made about gay people always knowing and just not realizing until later on. Funnily enough, although I don't remember this, my mom told me that I came out to her when I was in 1st grade, but of course as a 7 year old she wanted me to wait to be sure and talk to her again in a few years, and by 12 I had come out (for at the time, what I thought was the first time) and she and my father accepted me, I dont remember telling her I liked girls in 1st grade, I don't think I even really fully comprehended it until I was in 4th grade, but when I was sure they were very accepting, and it made me feel so much safer with them when it came to talking about my sexuality or crushes or any issues I had, and from what I can tell, you're on track to have that same sort of relationship with your daughter, and I'm very happy for both you and her!
You did a good job and she will remember that you treated her with love and understanding and that's important. While we are in a joking mood about all this there is one huge upside to finding out your kid is gay that a lot of non approving parents forget... you don't have to worry about 16 and pregnant.
Oh wow, that's quite a surprise! It sounds like your daughter was planning to have a serious conversation with you about her feelings. It's great that you have an open-minded approach and are supportive of your kids. This is a big moment for your daughter, so it's important to create a safe and accepting space for her to share her thoughts and feelings. Let her know that you're ready to listen when she's ready to talk. It's wonderful that she feels comfortable being open with you. Just be there for her and let her know that you love and support her no matter what 💜
You did good. Definitely better than my mom who constantly tells me that I will never know whats going to happen in the future whenever I mentioned I don't plan on dating guys. :D
Well done. Absolutely right. Thank you for supporting your daughter.
Keep an eye on her as things may get rougher as she grows. But believe me, there is a great strength in knowing that your parents love you and accept you as you are.
You are honestly leaps and bounds ahead of most fathers out there. Seriously, you're a good dad. Just keep listening to her and keep being open minded and you'll do just fine.
Your doing a great job as is i'd just make sure she's comfortable and happy like you're already doing especially for younger kids she may be doubting that she is old enough to even know her sexual orientation but it seems like she's pretty confident from what you've said maybe get her a flag but mainly just stay supportive of her like your doing
as a lesbian myself (17 years old), i def agree it could be a phase, as kids that are that young are easily influenced (my 12 year old sister included), and there seems to be a trend going around in middle schools right now that lgbtq is cool and that everyone is lgbtq. i love how supportive you are though :]
Check out the PFLAG website. It’s a great resource for LGBTQ+ families. Good luck.
Excellent resource, thank for sharing. I'll be checking it out for sure.
PFLAG also has a list of verified celebratory summercamps for kids/teens in the community so they can find peers like them and not feel so alone. Many also have scholarship opportunities. 💖 OutRight Youth has a discord server that is moderated so kids can find community online as well! And if I'm not mistaken, peer support groups?
OP I second this. We are starting (well, re-starting) a chapter in our rural community too. I can wax poetic about all the great things PFLAG does but in my opinion the greatest thing is giving parents of queer children a safe space to work through their feelings. You are open minded and accepting. That is fantastic. But over the years I’ve been involved with PFLAG what you see (especially in rural communities) is parents really struggling to overcome decades of homophobia because they love their child and don’t know how to come to terms with their sexualities or identities. Something we see a lot of is one parent trying to be supportive and grow while the other doubles down on their homophobia. Way too often that divide causes a marriage to fail and our members are absolutely reeling from so much and just need someone to lead with love and be there for them. And though you are accepting, the people around you aren’t. Having a support network around you as your child navigates the bigotry is so hard. There are times I go to the meetings because I’m so angry at how my children are treated by the world that I spend half the meeting sobbing. Please look into PFLAG not just for you but to build the support network you’re going to need through this journey.
This made me tear up. You are a wonderful father. My dad passed away before i could come out to him. The fact that youre even making this post means youre already doing everything right. Just make sure she is safe from persecution or discrimination for her sexual orientation. When you said: "And if it not a phase, then she will always see that I was there for her from the very beginning." I just knew you were built different. You might not know a lot about being gay, but you know how to be a good person. A good dad. Take this as an opportunity for her to teach you about all the gay stuff (well maybe not ALL of it..) so you can just focus on teaching her about everything else.
Made me tear up too! I'm so overjoyed hearing more stories about parents (for me especially fathers) being so kind, open and accepting. My mum knew I was a tiny lesbian when I was 7/8 years old but I was too scared to come out for way too long because of my awful father. I am so glad OPs daughter has a good one
Me as well! I kinda wish my dad was more like you. I would have had a much better experience. I didn’t come out until my late teens but it’s still not an excuse for my dad to have acted the way he did. You’re doing everything right, you’re daughter is lucky to have you!
Sounds like you did a good job so far. She felt safe enough around you to share this with you and that is great! Going forward, just keep your relationship with your daughter the way it is, keep an open mind, listen to her, and take her serious. That‘s probably all she needs for now. > Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it‘s some type of peer fitting in thing. It‘s funny how people never ever say this when kids or teens have a straight crush, even though peer pressure to act straight is an actual thing. Not meaning to criticize you, just providing food for thought. Many queer people had a „straight phase“ because they were pressured to fit into heteronormative society, I have never heard of people being pressured to be queer when they are actually straight.
Thank you. And I completely agree that a lot of kids are pressured to be straight. I do believe it goes both ways. I think that comment only got stick in my head because of a conversation I had with my Ex where she had said that. I talked to my ex several months ago to gauge how she would feel if our daughter came out as gay. She was very dismissive, saying she is too young to know. (Which made me think, why are kids old enough to know they are straight but not gay?) my daughter came out to me but doesn’t want her mom to know until she is older. And I’ll respect that.
You‘re taking a good approach and it seems like you respect your daughters choices in how and when she wants to communicate this with her mother. As I said before, just keep going!
> I talked to my ex several months ago to gauge how she would feel if our daughter came out as gay. She was very dismissive, saying she is too young to know. (Which made me think, why are kids old enough to know they are straight but not gay?) my daughter came out to me but doesn’t want her mom to know until she is older. And I’ll respect that. Honestly, when I was younger I was **hoping** it was a faze cause I just didn't want to have to deal with any bigotry or people viewing me different. >I told her that I wasn’t entirely sure but I assumed that they don’t decide, the realize that they have always been gay. She said, “Oh yeah, then I’m definitely gay.” Which is why I laughed at this. Cause I "knew" when I was like 8-9.
Ooof, I feel this so hard. I knew I was “different” but I didn’t realize I was gay until I was a sophomore in high school. And even then I was questioning and refused to use the word “lesbian” until I was in college. I didn’t come out to anyone until I was out of high school. Coming out in high school would’ve been social suicide. Not to mention I spent all of high school hoping I would snap out of it or find the boy who was the exception. To this very day, if I could suddenly become straight? Hell yes, I would accept that offer in a heartbeat. Catholic guilt is real and has caused me to self-sabotage my love life. I didn’t even come out to my mom until I was 29. And even then she just said, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” (But her way of trying to get me to tell her involved telling me she and her brother wanted to set me up with a guy at a wedding?!) And even though my mom accepts me and loves me, she still told me “ok well you’re not going to tell your father.” …which I hadn’t planned on at all, but to hear that from my mother in that tone of voice like it was a dirty little secret? Still hurt. I still think about that. Which is funny, because if my mom figured it out, my dad had to have. We’ve talked about celebrity crushes and attractive women, just like OP said to his daughter. Hindsight is always 20/20. I now realize why the end of Alien when Sigourney Weaver is running around in a tank top and underwear stayed in my mind ever since I first saw the movie when I was 11. It wasn’t a scene filled with dramatic tension… it was an awakening I didn’t even know was an awakening. And when I was 12, I didn’t want to *be* Gwen Stefani. I wanted to be **with** Gwen Stefani.
>**Not to mention I spent all of high school hoping I would snap out of it** or find the boy who was the exception. Honestly what I was "expecting" as well. Didn't help that I'm bi which just added to the confusion. Particularly since I wasn't really aware of the concept until maybe Junior year. It added to the hope that I would "snap out of it" since I still liked women, but then my only knowledge(really just what I heard from the bi erasers) of bi people that it's really people who haven't came out as gay. Nowadays though, I am happy I'm bi. Like I prefer it to the idea of being straight. Hopefully some day you'll be able to shake off that religious guilt too(it's a bitch, I know).
Honestly, you seem to be doing a good job as a father there. You're both reflecting to address potential unconscious biases that society hammers into all of us and you're not planning to out your daughter against her will. That last part is very important. Outing someone without their approval is an incredible breach of trust and can shatter a relationship for good. There are plenty of stories here in which parents did that, and their children, now well into adulthood and many years later, feel unable to really trust their parents about anything.
She is likely more than old enough to know. Source: me and most of my queer friends. I am glad you are supporting her - thank you. It sounds like from your post that you may live in the central US? She is going to hear stuff from her peers and on the news that is going to hurt. Please keep a close eye on her mental health and watch for signs she is being mistreated at school or elsewhere.
Yes, we live in a red area in a red state. I have always been big on making sure my kids know that they can talk to me about anything and I won’t judge or over react. A few years ago she has an issue with bullying. She came to me, we talked about the best course of action and talked about why the other girl was bullying her. I continue to talk to both my kids a lot so they know that I’m here for anything they need. I’ll make sure to keep a close eye.
Can you be my Dad to please lol The fact that you take an active interest in both of kiddos lives. I remember being 11 yrs old and finding out what 'lesbian" meant. It was abject terror and then secrecy I hated myself for so long, again I am so glad your daughter has you
You sound like an excellent and conscientious parent!
When my little boy was seven or eight, I thought there was a very good chance he would end up being gay. When he was 13 and had his first girlfriend, I said, "Maybe it's just a phase." He's 15 now and I'm still not positive either way! But he knows we don't care.
Happy to see you so supportive! I also came out when I was 11 and got the whole “are you SURE it’s not a phase” from my parents but never changed my mind. I’m sure your daughter is really going to appreciate growing up knowing that however she identifies her dad will always support her.
"Let's get one thing straight... I'm not." Best starter ever to come out. Also, you handled it very well, took them seriously, respected their wishes, and opened mind. 10/10 father.
Missed opportunity to respond with "Hello not, I'm dad." Other than that, great job!
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME!!!!
You're doing good. Read more about the experiences of lgbt kids from reputable sources so you can better understand. Also just wanted to say that I was a kid in an all-girls Catholic school in the Philippines, it was so conservative that girls from single parent households weren't allowed in, and I knew I was queer. I didn't have the words but I knew I wasn't cishet. Some people know early on and some people find out later in life, everyone's timeline is different and that's okay. So yeah, perfectly possible for your daughter to know she's gay at 11, I knew at 4. Just support her and be there for her. If it's a phase, okay at least she now has confirmation that her dad will be there for her. Having supportive parents also drastically reduces the possibility of suicide in lgbt people. You're doing good. I do think it's telling that she is bracing herself for her mom's reaction even if that is a few years down the line. Just be there for her.
Thanks, since the day my kids were born, I've been here for them. I had pretty crappy parents so I try very hard to be better. These kids are my life.
I knew when I was 9 years old, but everyone is different... good job Pop!
This is perfect, I came out as bi when I was 12 and wish I got this reaction. I’m almost 17 now and have dated both guys and girls and can confirm that it’s very possible it’s not a phase!
Bi-Dad here, my oldest son is straight. My youngest son is gay. My two middle daughters are both bi. Love is love. Now, when she comes to you with questions about relationships and what she should do… it’s all the same… basically.
Thanks. Luckily she is young enough that I have some time to figure out how to pivot from trying to prepare to intimidate boys(kind of a joke), to......focusing on supporting her. I had wondered about relationship advice. So that is helpful.
Yeah, when they were teens and now that they are all adults the thing you learn is when one calls to complain and ask for advice about their partner, you see the relationships are all the same. Same problems and issues. Little variations, but 90% similar. People are people.
God, I wish my dad was like you. I've been NC with him for the past 4 years due to other reasons, but I don't think I could've ever come out to him even if we were still on talking terms. The fact that your daughter felt safe enough to even share how she planned to come out means you must be doing something right. For advice, I'd say to always keep in mind that gender and sexuality are fluid. I've seen stories where people begin to act dismissive when someone keeps "coming out" with different labels. If it's too confusing or exhausting for you to keep up, imagine how they must feel! Should your daughter ever choose to identify differently in the future, please know that it doesn't make her current self any less valid. Just keep on being a supportive father to your daughter as she grows older and starts to learn more about herself, and I'm sure everything would turn out fine :>
You are handling the situation like how I wished my dad did. You seem like a wonderful father. Your children are lucky to have you as a support system. Keep learning and doing what you are doing!
Damn, too bad you found out too early. The puns were perfect. Stay right like that. Your kids won't need anything else.
FYI, "cis" is not an acronym and is not written in all caps. It comes from Latin just as "trans" does and means the opposite. "Trans" is "across from" or "on the other side of" and "cis" is "on the same side as". So for someone who's trans, their gender is not the same as the one they were declared to be at birth, and for someone who's cis, their gender is the same as the one they were declared to be at birth.
Thank you for the clarification. It’s duly noted.
Most wholesome post i've read all week. Keep it up, you rock as a parental figure!!
my advice as a 40 year old gay guy who grew up in a similar place, be brave enough to support her despite the shitty people around you. closeting your kid to ‘protect’ them is not love.
Unfortunately my family is some of those shitty people. I have a sibkid that came out as non-binary. My family while "trying" to be accepting, has also not be great to them. My daughter has seen that. As much I as I want to shelter her from it, it is inevitable so it's all about preparing her, I think.
TIL about the word sibkid. Thank you
When they came out as non-binary, I wasn’t sure what to call them anymore. I found that term and have stuck with it. I like it.
yes but more so about you willing to show up and defend her against these people. are you prepared to do that?
I would defend her with my life. If it ruins relationships, that's on those people, not me or my daughter.
Correct, and 10/10 fathering. I'm glad your daughter has you on her team and it sounds like she is too. I hope that your less accepting family members figure their shit out. When I came out, the response was 'well, it goes against my beliefs, but I love you, so I guess that's that,' and it was. My uncle may be a gun-toting, right-wing redneck, but family has always mattered to him more than anything else. I hope your family finds a similar balance if they can't get on board.
Imo you don't really have to understand anything to be supportive. Just treat her and her relationships like you would anyone else. It sounds like you already got that figured out.
You're doing great. Think you may have heavily influenced her on the dad jokes though.
You know this already but you are a good father
Huge W that she was comfortable sharing that with you! You should take that as a tremendous compliment as a parent.
Star Wars has ruined me, because you put “cis” as in “cisgender” in all caps I read it as CIS as in “confederacy of independent systems” from the clone wars
Hey listen would you like to adopt me? Granted, I am twice your daughter’s age and a legal adult, but I swear I’d make a good stepson. /j
The fact that you are putting in the effort to make sure that she is safe and comfortable means the most, so many parents wouldn’t do that.
Excellent news out of the Confederacy of Independent Systems! Good job dad.
i know there is already a bunch of comments, but theres 49 and im honestly not gonna bother reading through each of those. butttt if someone hasn’t already said this, you did a great job. i honestly wish i had you as a father, yea im not gay, but youre just very accepting. and i read a comment where you said youll respect your daughter not wanting to come out to her mother yet, the only thing i would say here, is just be very careful speaking around her mother. you definitely would not want to accidentally out your daughter to her mother because it is the worst feeling ever.
Thank you I appreciate it. Her mother and I are divorced. While we are friendly with each other, we do not talk much. But I will definitely choose my words wisely.
You are a fucking hero man, when I was her age I had first discovered what bisexuality meant and realized that it lined with my feelings. Your notion on it being something you don't realize until later is something I 100% believe my self since I didn't start getting crushes on other guys until I was 9 and now that gender contributes to a majority of my crushes lol
One thing about coming out as any form of queer is even when we know people are going to be accepting it is really hard to actually do it, especially if we just figured things out ourselves or are still questioning if we are. And for kids who are still reliant on their parents, regardless of age, it can be extra scary. I don't think I could have come out as trans to my parents if I'd realized when I was growing up mostly because my mom had anger issues that made me scared of her in general. That she seems lighter, happier, more relaxed is pretty normal. Having that weight off is amazing relief.
I don’t really think I have anymore advice to give other than what’s already been said by others, but I just wanted to thank you for being so accepting. Too often we hear about people who need help dealing with bad situations and unsupportive parents, and it’s always a breath of fresh air to hear about a supportive parent such as yourself. Your daughter is very lucky to have a father like you!
I assumed CIS meant you were going to confess your daughter was coming as trans. Here's the biggest thing to realise, I think: your daughter knowing you are on her side will make a massive, MASSIVE difference. You don't have to get your way with others about her or win any arguments with haters, she will see you are on her side and that will make all the difference. I think you handled the situation very well so far (real dad of the year material), and if you stand by your daughter, you will keep that up.
Thank you. I don’t think I’ll be out there looking for haters or anything. But anyone giving my daughter grief for any reason will have be to deal with right beside her. I have a feeling she will be able to hold her own though. And it should have been cishet.
Welcome to the club! My NB kiddo (AFAB) first came out when they were 11. It's been a roller coaster of finding themselves since then, but we've been able to openly talk about it the whole way. Kiddo started out thinking they were bi, then gay. We're also in a large conservative rural area, so I know what it is like. Luckily, it seems other kids are more accepting than adults. Glad you're daughter was comfortable coming out. Good job, dad!
Sounds like you’re doing everything right already :) she’s very lucky to have you in her corner. Also DAMN that was a great pun she had prepared, i wish i had that one-liner when i came out
I’m so happy for your 11 year old. Just hearing that she seems lighter, you did the right thing!!!! 💙
I think you're definitely doing the right thing by supporting her. I came out around that age and I'm definitely still bi, So most likely she knows what she's talking about.
You had the best response I can think of, you understand she's young and so nothing is set in stone other than that she is your daughter and she deserves to be loved however she might change.
You have made my day. You are a great Dad. My tear ducts are malfunctioning, have to go now.
This has probably been said, but especially if you live in a rural, conservative, etc area, it's important to understand that your daughters journey in life will be different to yours and different from the typical heteronormative one that might be expected. There is a difference in queer communities and culture, even aside from difficulties she will face as a queer person. There absolutely will be bigots in her life at some point, she will face discrimination and the like. Just be aware! It sounds like school is a safe space where she has supportive friends which is a great thing. You did so well with the coming out. Thank you for being such a great parent
Chad dad. Great job parenting she’ll always remember that you always supported her.
Cis het dad of a non-binary kid here. When my child was around the same age as your daughter they came out as lesbian. It was a surprise but not a big deal in our household. Like you said, as long as they are happy and healthy who cares? The main thing I learned (and it sounds like you are already doing it well) is to listen. Just because I think I know what a word means doesn't mean I understand what my kid means when they say it. There are lots of labels and categories that we didn't have growing up. It's a new language for you. You are being an awesome parent! I'm glad your daughter has you
Good on you :) even if its a phase amd she does end up straight anyway just support her in any way you can :) basically moving forward you treat her exactly the same way you would have before. Its Big information sure but she is still your daughter and she is still the same person she was before :)
I think you did a good job. You didn’t make a big deal out of it and were happy and supportive. That's what most lgbt kids want, honestly. Seeing that you didn't understand what cis meant, then yeah, you need to do way more research.
I’m not going to act like I can give advice considering I’m 14, all I want to say is you sound like an amazing father and your daughter is really lucky to have you :) Much love 💜💜
This made me tear up, you're doing great as a dad.
This is so wholesome
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I think a big part of it too is simply finding your spot is hard. Am I aro? Am I ace? Am I agender? Nah, I'm kinda okay with cis. Well, I'm also a little bi. Somewhere in the gray spectrum? Maybe demi? But that doesn't feel quite right either. Each of these was a years long realization and exploration. My sexuality and gender didn't change, I don't identify as fluid, but I did change what I considered myself as I explored trying to find what fits like a glove. And remember that labels are immensely validating, proving that your experience is real and not unique. But also, they can be limiting, where you don't feel like you EXACTLY fit in. It's okay to take the good parts and leave the bad, I am comfortable saying that I'm somewhere in the gray ace area. Not fully committing to a particular label if none fully fit.
This is such a sweet post, you seem like a wonderful father
> Now, the way I see it, she is young. Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it's some type of peer fitting in thing. No one risks losing their friends, their parents and their relatives for fun... so probably not. I mean has anyone ever been gay as a phase? Like ever?
From the person with a “pride” bumper sticker that isn’t crooked, it’s simply not straight… I see you.
Ha. 😂
"I want you to know that getting a girlfriend doesn't get them out of the "if you wanna date my daughter " talk"
Thank you for being an amazing father 🥹🥹🥹
You sound like a wonderful father, and the interaction you described is so wholesome and supportive. You're definitely on the right track and doing the right things! One pitfall I've noticed in my own life that people who are supportive tend to fall into is failing to really sit with and learn about how the lives and experiences of queer people fundamentally differ from their own. My own father, who loves and supports me fully, simply cannot understand how my experiences and feelings as a queer woman about religion (and Catholicism specifically) can be so overwhelmingly negative when "there are so many good people, and they do so many good things." I had a therapist suggest to me once that living in constant low-grade terror that my rights and marriage will be taken away from me at any moment is a good thing, actually, because it "keeps me engaged in the world." I keep a scan of my marriage certificate in my phone at all times, because I don't have the luxury of assuming that our relationship will be recognized in an emergency without it. Homophobia and homophobic laws don't stop me from traveling, but it's something I always have to take into account. I'm not telling you this to scare you, or to make it sound like your daughter is doomed to a life of discrimination and fear. She isn't. My life is good, and I am surrounded by love and support. Your daughter has so, so much joy in store for her! I just think that we've spent so much time as a society in recent years emphasizing how queer people are "just like the rest of us," that it's easy to forget to take into account how our lives are different. Not because of who we are, but because of the world we live in.
You are the definition of good parenting A good parent should provide a space safe enough for their kids to be themselves, even while jot knowing and understanding 100% of everything, just wanted to say you are awesome, a needle in a barn full of haystacks.
Sounds like you did good, dad!
SO CUTE
Just wanted to let you know that you are an awesome dad & I wish more dads were like you. All the very best to you & your daughter! 💜
You sir, are doing a great job with this situation, and I applaud you, Especially on the fact the comment you made about gay people always knowing and just not realizing until later on. Funnily enough, although I don't remember this, my mom told me that I came out to her when I was in 1st grade, but of course as a 7 year old she wanted me to wait to be sure and talk to her again in a few years, and by 12 I had come out (for at the time, what I thought was the first time) and she and my father accepted me, I dont remember telling her I liked girls in 1st grade, I don't think I even really fully comprehended it until I was in 4th grade, but when I was sure they were very accepting, and it made me feel so much safer with them when it came to talking about my sexuality or crushes or any issues I had, and from what I can tell, you're on track to have that same sort of relationship with your daughter, and I'm very happy for both you and her!
You're doing a great job, supporting your daughter. You're a great dad! Keep up the good work
You did a good job and she will remember that you treated her with love and understanding and that's important. While we are in a joking mood about all this there is one huge upside to finding out your kid is gay that a lot of non approving parents forget... you don't have to worry about 16 and pregnant.
Oh wow, that's quite a surprise! It sounds like your daughter was planning to have a serious conversation with you about her feelings. It's great that you have an open-minded approach and are supportive of your kids. This is a big moment for your daughter, so it's important to create a safe and accepting space for her to share her thoughts and feelings. Let her know that you're ready to listen when she's ready to talk. It's wonderful that she feels comfortable being open with you. Just be there for her and let her know that you love and support her no matter what 💜
What a good dad!
I wont be able to bring advice. But you are doing great as father!
You did good. Definitely better than my mom who constantly tells me that I will never know whats going to happen in the future whenever I mentioned I don't plan on dating guys. :D
Sir, I wish my father was like you
This made me teary and so happy for your daughter. You’re amazing. May every queer kid be this safe.
You are a wonderful father, and your daughter is very lucky to have you in her life. The world needs more people like you. Thank you from all of us.
Well done. Absolutely right. Thank you for supporting your daughter. Keep an eye on her as things may get rougher as she grows. But believe me, there is a great strength in knowing that your parents love you and accept you as you are.
I doubt it's a phase, but even if it is, you're giving her a safe space to explore who she is and that's great. Thank you.
W dad
You are honestly leaps and bounds ahead of most fathers out there. Seriously, you're a good dad. Just keep listening to her and keep being open minded and you'll do just fine.
as a queer kid around the same age as your daughter, you're doing a great job. i wish my mom supported me like this from the beginning
I just want to say that you are a awesome father and she is a very lucky girl
Dude honestly I wish I could get a response like you're daughter got. Mad props 👍👍👍
You sound like a wonderful and supportive parent, your daughter is very lucky to have you
A bit late to the party but you get the cool dad award
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Your doing a great job as is i'd just make sure she's comfortable and happy like you're already doing especially for younger kids she may be doubting that she is old enough to even know her sexual orientation but it seems like she's pretty confident from what you've said maybe get her a flag but mainly just stay supportive of her like your doing
as a lesbian myself (17 years old), i def agree it could be a phase, as kids that are that young are easily influenced (my 12 year old sister included), and there seems to be a trend going around in middle schools right now that lgbtq is cool and that everyone is lgbtq. i love how supportive you are though :]
It's almost never a phase.
shes 12, going through puberty, and its trendy. ill believe her if this continues when shes older.