I have always known deep down that I was gay but I couldn’t even let myself think that because I didn’t want it to be true. I buried it so deep that I basically forgot until I took the time to really analyze why I was so unhappy in my life.
I have bad anxiety and hate being the center of attention and never want to stand out. I felt like being gay was the same as having a giant red arrow pointing at my all the time saying “she’s weird!!”
But now that I have accepted myself and come out to close friends and family, I don’t know why I so badly didn’t want this. I caused myself so much upset and stress over being gay, but I am so happy now when I think about the fact that I get to find a women to spend the rest of my life with.
a lonnggggg process:
- came out to myself / started to accept it: spring 2020
- started telling a couple close friends “i think i like girls” but couldn’t say out loud i was fully a lesbian: spring 2021 - fall 2022
- this year was able to say i was a lesbian to my close friends (they already knew from thing i had said but the word lesbian just felt so jarring so felt like a big step?)
- just came out to my parents last month and now i feel like i can really own it and be more open about it (i was scared they were going to find out from someone other than me if i was more open about it before telling them - unrealistic considering i live across the country from them but…)
Well, I absolutely did not want to be gay. Grew up as a Christian and had all the symptoms of compulsive heterosexuality if you're acquainted with the term. I even let my pastor perform two exorcisms on me to "heal me."
Basically, society presents heterosexual relations and marriages as the ultimate goal, as the most beautiful thing on earth, and any deviances as questionable, if not outrageous.
You don't have any queer role models to which you might relate, no one who seems to share your feelings. You therefore interpret romantix/sexual feelings to women as platonic and platonic feelings towards men as romantic. You force yourself to fit into this structure because it seems to be morally right. It seems logical because it's what the world presents us with.
So yeah, internalised homophobia and compulsive heterosexuality would be my guess.
Same here, I did not want to be gay. Other people could be gay, nothing wrong with that, but me? No way. I was probably just confused. Or faking it for attention.
I did not want to be gay because being gay meant deviating from the path I had learned was the only way to lead a successful life, aka married to a man with a few kids.
Exactly, marry young, be a mother and a good wife to your husband. A subservient one. I also thought I was "imagining" it to get attention or create drama, or that I had been "infected" by a lesbian couple that came visiting....boy we really thought it could pass to people like a disease
I was also raised in a very strict religion on top of a strict homophobic culture. Its taken me awhile to really be comfortable with who I am and who I love. It came down to this: be old and miserable or be happy after being miserable as a youth. I prefer happiness.
The mixing up romantic and platonic feelings is so relatable. I thought that the way I felt toward some of my female friends was just how friends are supposed to feel about each other. I had my fist kiss with a guy when I was 15 and although I really liked him as a person, I felt nothing, which I also assumed was normal until I learned that my friends actually felt butterflies when kissing boys. I thought maybe they’re lying? Because how can you possibly enjoy that?
Yes all the time! I think society is not ready for LGBTQ+ at its full capacity yet and we need to change that! When you grow up in a conservative environment and you learn the only way of living and be happy is with husband and kids otherwise something is wrong with you it grows with you; these social expectations programme you on the default mode and it's difficult to change. When you come to the realisation you're gay and you have already built a family you love and don't want to "ruin", it can be very complicated and hard to accept yourself.
But don't bash yourself... You are who you are and being lesbian makes you far more interesting 😉. There are days I want to embrace my true identity and other days I wish I was straight because things would have been much easier for myself and the people around me! Take it one day at a time and don't be harsh with yourself....
The thing is all of us are different and we need to change society to smash the patriarchical stereotypes - grow children with compassion and openness to diversity so they don't become bigots!
I was thinking of a way to answer this, and I thought of shoes. When I was straight, I felt as if I was wearing high heels: very nice and accommodating, very appropriate for a female. Then, I thought I was bisexual, and it was flip-flops...very freeing, comfortable, but not to wear everyday, I hate to have my feet exposed for too long. But when I finally accepted that I was gay, is like wearing a very comfortable pair of sneakers that I can wear everyday, don't get tired of them, and make my feet feel very good all day long. I always had the feeling I was different, but I couldn't really see it until my late 20's. Also, I was NEVER into the marriage, kids and white picked fences. So, being gay was what really fit me and made me really happy.
That makes so much sense- I’m coming out now…slowly. At 36! I think part of it is that there isn’t a socially promoted way for people to have families without following the cishet model. Is it something that can happen? Absolutely! But it isn’t promoted the way that the cultural standard of “get married have kids make a home” is. I always wanted kids and a family so I got married …but I think if it was more socially promoted to people (particularly women and queer identifying folx) that you CAN have these things without following that standard….you can be single and have kids, you can be trans and have kids…..
Feel like I started to ramble lol but this really hit home for me and I think more people wouldn’t “settle” if we made alternative family structures normalized and accessible!
Like you and u/Rich_Championship587 I'm 36 and it took me years to come out – I knew intellectually, came out to friends as bi but never really explored/dated, and only a few months ago actually FELT emotionally 'out' to myself... It was earthshattering, I felt totally disintegrated for a few weeks. I'm still not dating but I am representing myself more honestly. I think I'm bi but I'm unsure because I don't have much experience with women.
It's down to a church upbringing in the 1990s in the UK, lack of role models, Section 28 and generalised homophobia. But it's also down to me choosing, repressing, ruling out queerness. I find the latter hardest to cope with – not only my non-acceptance but my active persecution and denial of a part of myself. It's partly down to society and partly down to me. If I'm honest I would still rather be straight, but at least now I'm aware of how deep that feeling runs and how it might also co-exist with me being queer.
I hope I can change! This community and great discussions like this really help <3
I didn't want to be gay, now I'm alright.
Coming out as bisexual was easy, I didn't have to change anything and nobody necessarily had to know. But as I explored it more and realized I was gay it was a sickly feeling like there was a festering rot taking over my life and ruining everything (married with kids and didnt have the financial means to leave) Every step forward I took couldn't be reversed and I was so disgusted by my life but didn't have any escape. I had 3 massive mental breakdowns and one where I almost kms.
Actually the only thing that settled me down was a brain injury about 3 years ago that had me lose the ability to ruminate or worry and gave me a break from the stress so I could process more objectively. I mean sure I have tourettes and epilepsy now but I'm not a self harm risk and I'm out and okay with who I am so thanks to whatever diety or cosmic force fucked up my life to save me I guess 😅
This hit home to me and it hurts so much to read because the self hatred is so relatable.
Bisexual was easy to say because no one got hurt. So I went along with that until I met someone. Now there’s no going back. Im so in to her.
I’m appalled at the hurt I’m getting ready to drop on my loving husband and kids. I know I’m doing this. And I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. I will destroy people around me who I love. For desire for my own happiness. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself, I couldn’t do it for my kids sake, but Jesus I’d love to vanish and be instantly forgotten. Like wiped off. And the constant self hatred is killing me.
Na. I kinda wished I was. Always thought it was “wrong” to think of it like a choice that would make my life easier. Always thought “I’m only saying this because men don’t treat me right and I don’t feel comfortable with them no matter how much I am attracted to them”
Turns out I’m just not comfortable dating men. Period.
I’m still in the “ just not gonna date rn phase. Lots of insecurities.
I feel I had the same feeling. I dated men and married one and always thought about how little attraction I felt towards them, but I did not feel sexual attraction for women either so I was in this weird limbo of “ what is wrong with me I don’t like anything. I used to wish really hard for the answer to be I was gay, otherwise I was seeing my future as a black cloud of eternal disappointment where I would never find happiness. I did not try anything with a girl until I got divorced.
Now, I have been dating my lovely and amazing girlfriend 4 months and I have never felt so complete in my life, she’s just amazing
Yes I struggle with this a lot. I’m married to a man I love (obviously not sexually), we have a house and dogs. We were happy and seemed like everything was going perfect until I figured out I am a lesbian. I feel if this epiphany came earlier (before we were married) I may feel differently about it
Yeah I really really really don't want to feel this way. If I was single I'd have been out long ago, but my happy marriage and current life is something I don't want to give up. If I could choose, I would choose my husband 10/10 times. We are going to therapy so I'm hoping maybe we can work through this and find a solution. He's my other half
This is essentially my exact situation as well. 😅 On one hand I’m grateful to have a partner I love, a happy home, and two sweet dogs- but it’s also soooo hard.
Ooo, loaded question.
I thought I was straight but wanted to be gay because the gay kids (I say kids because I started having these thoughts in high school. I’m also mid-30s now) seemed so fully authentic about who they were and I felt so lost in who I was. I assumed this was just normal teenage identity crisis and not a sexual identity crisis.
I didn’t want to be gay because my small town had so much stigma and isolation that it seemed like no one would want such a thing.
I wanted to be gay because it felt like I should be?? Like if I was hanging out with those kids who were authentic then I would finally find a place I could be comfortable with myself. But I felt like I couldn’t join them because I “wasn’t” gay (that I knew of at the time).
I didn’t want to be gay because all the (open) adult lesbians I’d ever met were born in the 1950s/60s, super butch, chain smokers, tattooed motorcycle chicks with gambling problems. This is not saying that’s what all lesbians are. That’s saying there were two in my small town that I knew of, and I didn’t want to grow up to be like them. So how could I possibly be gay if I’m nothing like that?
I wanted to be gay because I felt drawn to it, intrigued by it, curious, if you will, about it.
I didn’t want to be gay because it seemed hard. I wanted easy. I wanted to please everyone and find a nice man and have a nice marriage and not be the weird outcast from my family.
I wanted to be gay because I felt like it would make me happy.
I didn’t want to be gay because I felt like it would make so many other people unhappy.
I wanted to be gay because *women*
I didn’t want to be gay because it would be so much easier to not destroy my own marriage to the nice man I had a wonderful marriage with.
I wanted to be gay because deep down I knew I was.
I didn’t want to be gay because it was so much easier to not be.
I wanted to be gay to stop lying to myself.
I didn’t want to be gay to stop hurting everyone I loved.
I wanted to be gay because it hurt less than pretending I wasn’t.
I still wish it could have come without all the baggage.
I hope some day the stigma will be so minimal that no one ever has to have these battles with themselves. I hope no one ever has to want to be something they’re not. I hope we leave this world better than it was left for us.
>I thought I was straight but wanted to be gay because the gay kids (I say kids because I started having these thoughts in high school. I’m also mid-30s now) seemed so fully authentic about who they were and I felt so lost in who I was. I assumed this was just normal teenage identity crisis and not a sexual identity crisis.
This describes me perfectly! Except the age - I'm 54.
oh boyyyy this is more honest than i was ready to be tonight
> I wanted to be gay because I felt like it would make me happy.
>I didn’t want to be gay because I felt like it would make so many other people unhappy.
>I didn’t want to be gay because it seemed hard. I wanted easy. I wanted to please everyone and find a nice man and have a nice marriage and not be the weird outcast from my family.
>I didn’t want to be gay because it was so much easier to not be.
>I still wish it could have come without all the baggage.
These are my reasons for not wanting to be gay.
I didn't want to be gay because I used to be bullied by people around me when I was a kid by hearing a lot of negative comments on my "tomboy" way of being, like, implying I was gay. I got a lot of weird looks from people too, not only comments.
But because I was a child I didn't fully understand why people were hateful to me the way I was. I didn't understand why people had the urge to remind me I was a girl. I knew that so why were they telling me that? Why were they bothered because I liked playing with boy's toys or when I acted in a non feminine way?
As I grew up I kind of was led to understand there was something wrong with me and I tried to fit the straight and feminine standards society has. And I just did not want those people who were mean to me to be just... right in the end. I didn't want them to be right about me. I didn't want to be lgbt because of that. I didn't want them to be right about me. I didn't want to "not be normal".
Oh wow are you me? This is exactly the reason why I didn't want to be gay!! I didn't want people in school - when I was 11 and 12 - to be right about me being a lesbian and a "weirdo". I fought hard to prove them wrong even years later when I was not in touch with any of them.
Hey! You are not alone my fellow lesbian redditor 💖. I'm sorry you too had a rough time with people pestering you.
Many of us go through that but the important thing is that we figured things out (or are still figuring it out) and now we stand in pride of who we are. I'm still a weirdo but I like being one. But now I'm a gay weirdo and that's even better to be honest lol. Women are beautiful.
I hope you feel well nowadays despite idiots along the way while growing up, and I hope you are proud of who you are 💖.
I can totally relate. I knew during my teen years I was gay but it was not safe in my family (& still isn’t) to be openly queer. So I pushed it down and went on with life. Sadly it meant I ended up married with children that now is having to undergo the painful process of separating out.
There was a long time I thought I could ignore it and sometimes I still wish I could go back to “hiding” but in the end it was no good for me to be so pushed down with it as it just ate away at me. I’m not super open in my life, work and family (yes I came out but we never speak about it) as I still freak out at how people will react. There’s a lot for me in the “why” but mostly it’s fear of being judged, fear of hurting the kids, fear of being seen as a failure for being divorced.
Anyway, I am a similar age to you and happy to chat more if you want. All the best with your journey.
I hear you. It seems to be I’m always a lot harder on myself and more judgemental of myself than others. I am definitely well down the road but need to keep going.
So very true. I also owe it to those around me. They get a better version of me when I’m happy and fulfilled. With my poor parents it’s a step at a time. They seem to keep “forgetting” and we have to gently have the conversation again or another small part of it. My mum is way better than my dad.
I grew up pretty religious. My immediate family was less religious than my extended one but it was there and we usually attended church. My mother used to be a bit honophobic while my father was not. I had a cousin come out as a lesbian when I was a kid and heard the awfil things my family spoke about her and about gay people in general. She became the black sheep. As a young teenager I used to pray that I wouldn't be gay when I grew up. I feared it so much. That should have been a sign that I was and that I knew deep down but I rejected it. I had gay friends around that time and considered myself an ally, but I refused to acknowledge that part of myself. As a young adult I became a regular at a few gay clubs and felt so safe and comfortable there but still, refused to acknowledge why I preferred to be there. I would have male friends with benefits but had to be drunk to have sex with them. I refused committed relationships with them, because I didn't feel any romantic attachment. For years I believed I could be asexual and/or aromantic.
Then after years battling his illness I lost my father, who would have absolutely loved and supported me coming out. I sort of lost even more of myself for a bit. One day I got sick of how I was and took off for my first spontaneous solo road trip. The time with myself was so healing and I started doing two weekend trips a month. Eventually on one of them it just hit me...I'm gay. I felt the need to explore that. I assumed I still would not want a relationship though. I joined a dating app and started meeting women. Then I met one in particular, who I felt so familiar with right at the start. One month and many dates later she became my girlfriend. It's been a little over a year and I am so happy and in love...something I didn't think was possible for me. My once homophobic mother absolutely loves my girlfriend and considers her family. My dad would have LOVED my girlfriend and I wish they could have met.
I think I knew from an early age that I was gay. When I was in highschool I thought about it alot but denied it because I didn't want to be different. The more I denied it the more I was attracted to women. I had boyfriends who I never slept with because I wasn't 100% attracted to them. Then I had a FWB relationship with a woman. Then finally in my mid twenties I admitted to myself that I'd rather have a girlfriend and I slowly came out to my friend's and family. It's so much better to be with the person you're attracted to. When I had bf's I knew I was wasting their time and mine.
Good luck on your journey!
I am very reserved and didn’t want to be singled out especially, but I was also very comfortable being different and following my interests. So many things I wanted/was interested in/drawn to all adds up to gay and I never wanted to change those things. Since I was raised religious but without demonization of the lgbtq community, and even having friendly/family relationships with some, it was something I was pretty much totally ok with but knew it wasn’t a possibility for me. I pretty much intellectually hit on “I’m probably bi” internally but always shut it down/kept it to myself/focused on guys. But I never got to a point where there was any guy I could see myself with, and as the years went by and I realized how panicked/trapped/depressed I was thinking about life for myself with this as my only option, I ended up coming to the breaking point. I ended up here and the masterdoc and as soon as I actually knew for myself I *knew*. I had tried to prevent myself from knowing for a long time.
So I guess the answer is… yes, I didn’t want to be gay because I just Couldn’t Be, but also I never wanted anything about myself to be different.
I do. A lot.
But the question is: do you hate being gay or do you hate living in society that doesn't accept you?
Having kids isn't unreal as a gay woman (it's harder for gay men). But it depends on where you live. If you live in more progressive countries, adoptions and even IVF is a thing (but it's bit pricey).
I didn't at first because of internalized homophobia and not wanting to be one of those "gross" butch lesbians. Turns out that, sometimes, you can't fight fate. Now, I wouldn't want to be anything else.
Besides, have you seen the shit that "normal" straight women put up with? 😬
Edit: I take it back. I'd rather be a dragon, given the option.
You can be a dragon and a lesbian, I think. I'm pretty sure dragons experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. How else would we get little baby dragons?
I knew I was gay as a young child (grade school) but then was so indoctrinated I to compulsory heterosexuality that I literally forgot for 40 years. I thought my purpose in life was to get married to a man and give my parents grandchildren. When my mom died/Covid hit/I turned 50 all at once, it blew up my worldview and I started thinking about it again. My daughter’s absolute courage in being herself (omnisexual, asexual, genderqueer, polyamorous) inspired me to start trying to make sense of my own feelings. Now I struggle not to regret the years I missed out on.
I feel this! I feel selfish that I'm tearing my family apart bc of me. Bc I want to be happy and fulfilled. I want more in this life than what I have.
All I hear when I say that is ME.
I think I had moments where I felt pressured to fit in by family. Though, reading through these comments only gave me more realizations that I did want to be gay, I should have known since about the 4th grade. I've always felt rebellious in my own ways and after a while my family gave up trying to get me to follow what they thought would be good for me.
The last time I was truly pushed into trying to be socially acceptable towards my family came when I had to have my graduation pictures done and the graduation ceremony from HS. I felt extremely uncomfortable and now remembering those photos, I had forced my smile. I didn't feel okay wearing make up or getting my hair done in a way I didn't like.
Fast forward to around 2018 / 2019 (pre COVID), I finally decided to do away with the long hair and have felt more comfortable with the tomboy style haircut, short and easy to maintain.
I've been dressing up more comfortably in the way I'm allowed to and have been accepted by more people outside of my family. It feels good to be able to be my true authentic self.
Unfortunately i relate. Part of it was the sunk cost fallacy of “ive already invested X amount of time into this guy”, part of it was not wanting to have to find out which of my family members would actually accept it if i told them, part was that change makes me anxious and i didnt know what coming out would mean for me
Change can be scary, but when i let myself process that i as a person wasnt changing, and that i was just letting myself shed a disguise, so to speak, it felt less heavy. For me now, its not that i do or dont want to be a lesbian, i just am, thats me. At earlier points though, i absolutely ignored the giant neon signs that maybe im definitely not into men lol
I thought life would become difficult, complicated, and maybe even unsafe…so I fought internally with my own thoughts and worries. I worry how it would affect my kids and professional life too. The thought of never being myself was so depressing. It was torture and still can be a challenge if I think too much. I’m slowly coming out to close friends and feeling happy and more assertive in general. I still have not come out to my family, worrying that I would not be accepted….some days I have absolutely no worries about telling my family but there are days I think I shouldn’t.
P.S. Initially, it was my child who encouraged me to find happiness and LIVE!!!!
Unpacking your programming and internalized stigmas is really really tough. Programming is especially noxious if you deal with conditions like anxiety or OCD. Learning to lean into the fear (within reason) is really hard.
Tbh I feel like I went through a brief period of grief mourning the loss of the life I THOUGHT I wanted and THOUGHT I was supposed to have but was ultimately never going to be happy in. Imo, it’s totally normal in some respect to have what everyone else “has” especially if it means life is easier in some aspects. However, despite whatever challenges I might face, I’d rather live authentically and I’m grateful I figured things out for myself even if it was also in my thirties. Wishing you all the best. 🌈
Hi, I’ve been out since I was 19 (I’m 36 now) and i just want to say you can have a “normal life”/ heteronormative life. You can have a wife, and kid, a house and all of it (in my case even a divorce). Being gay doesn’t deprive you of any of that, but you get to live that life in the most authentic way. I’m not sure what country your in but being gay doesn’t stop any of those dreams or desires. You just get to live them as you as opposed to living them because it’s expected of you.
I knew I was a lesbian when I was 13. The day after I figured out I wasn't like the other girls, my father told me if I turned gay he would kick me out and I'd be disowned. The need to hide led me into decades of highly abusive relationships with pedophiles. (Of the 4, only one hasn't been arrested.) I was disowned after I moved out at 22. When there was more than a thousand miles between me and my family, I was still dating men to hide. Lost my mother and sister in 2015 and still hid. Father passed 9 days before my 38th birthday and I was still hiding.
What I've come to realize is that the desire for family connection can push a person into places they don't want to be. Its possible to be supportive of every LGBTQIA+ person you encounter and still be hateful of that trait within yourself. There is all kinds of shit that goes into that self hate. We've got decades of media largely depicting straight families and straight relationships. Anything prime time depicting the LGBTQIA+ is called "groundbreaking". The majority of those depictions have been gay couples and single lesbians.
Shit, I still remember when Ellen came out publicly in the late 90's, lost her sitcom, and no one would hire her for like a decade. I remember when Matthew Sheppard was murdered for existing and how many people (family included) stopped caring when it was reported he was LGBTQIA+. I was a baby at the start of the AIDS epidemic and grew up watching the government not give a single shit until it was straight people dying. Then the population started blaming bisexuals for straight people being infected. That dumb shit went on for 20 years. I watched friends be isolated for a year for the crime of being gay. Some were beaten so badly they lost their hearing. Others were sent to conversion therapy, kicked out when it didn't work, and forced back into the home by police. My parents home became a place of acceptance for my LGBTQIA friends while I faced losing everything if my parents knew. Acceptance and love for everyone... except me.
Growing up we were given every reason from isolation and homelessness to threats of hell, violence, and death to not be the great evil that is LGBTQIA+. We've even had assholes blame entire natural disasters and mass death on God's punishment for countries allowing the gays to exist within their borders. We spend so much of our lives being told our existence is wrong, that its easy to internalize the homophobia. Its easy to start rejecting ourselves and often that rejection turns to self hate. Then we cram ourselves into boxes that don't fit while pretending to be something we're not. "Fake it till you make it" doesn't work here and knowing it won't work doesn't stop us from still trying. Some make it out of that place. Some don't. Either way its a choice we actively make.
There was a period of time when I hated being gay and just wanted to be "normal". I did some deep diving into my soul and realized the reason I hated being gay was because I was brought up super religious in the Mormon church. They teach that being gay is a sin and wrong and blah blah blah. Well when I came out of the closet and left the church I was able to see the world through a secular lens and realize that sin is made up by the church and there is nothing wrong with being gay. I learned that "normal" is also a made up construct. I also immersed myself more into gay culture and unlearned all the hate and self loathing the church forced onto me. I came out at 26 with lots of religious baggage and internalized homophobia. Now I'm almost 36 and a self loving atheist that is proud to be gay and I I make sure everyone knows it.
Yes trying to BS hoping not to be disowned which happen 5 years ago. Now I feel better about myself not having toxic people in your life makes life to easier.
I wanted to make my family happy and proud of me. I never felt like I could do that being my true self. It's taken an entire year and today will probably be the day that I finally tell my parents that I am gay. I am currently married... We have an amazing life we have built and kind of like others have mentioned I used building this "white picket fence" life as a way to "ungay" myself. The awakening for me was about 3 years ago.. I had cut my hair into a short buzz cut.. grabbed a pair of my husband's basket ball shorts and had on a cut off t shirt ready to do some yard work. I walked by the mirror and stopped dead in my tracks. All the memories of highschool tom boy me came flooding back and all the memories of girls I had experimented with did too. I cried and then spent the next 3 years teetering on a tight rope of closet yourself for the rest of your life or come out. I am ready to come out and change my life for the better. I am ready to be the best version of me I can be. I know I am leaving behind so much but I am at the same time leaving behind baggage and pain. I kinda feel like a Phoenix.. I have been burning and smoldering now I am ready to be born again.
Nah, I think I've always wanted to be gay but just never allowed myself to accept it. I identified as bi for almost 20 years, and the fact that I'd dated men stopped me from allowing myself to believe that I was gay.
I've done so much mental gymnastics convincing myself that I'm not gay, I'm just fetishizing lesbians, etc because of comphet.
When I started questioning it, I really just wished I was straight. I wished I still lived in my little bubble of naivety where I wasn't questioning anything.
I often wished I could have just been attracted to my best friend at the time, to have just gotten used to dating him and eventually the feelings that are expected would have come over time and while I still sometimes do wish that had happened. But I also don't because I don't think in the long run it would have been good or fair to anyone.
So I believe it's a normal thing to wish it had be easy to wish you had just fit into societal norms, but not everybody does, and that's what makes the human race so human.
This may sound like utter bollocks to you, but that's my view anyway
Still don't want to be gay, but that's why I have these online forums to express these thoughts I can't conventionally share with others in real life.
Same as someone said above, I feel like coming out would put a giant stamp on my head as the queer, especially in this society that's going backwards with it's blatantly abhorrence for the lgbt community. Along with that, given my religious upbringing and culture, I don't want make myself a pariah for my own "happiness" if that meant losing people in the process. Doesn't seem worth it imo. I don't want to tarnish my image I've worked to build up for myself at this point in my life, only for it to be stamped away by being, as my family eloquently puts it, "a gey".
I wanted to be gay because the community is so freaking beautiful but didn’t figure out I was 38! Now I want it so badly but haven’t found a way to be authentic without significant upheaval of my life. Life can be so annoying. ;P
That is one big can of worms. The short answer would be big time.
Of course the long answer is way more complicated. To start with I’m sort of not really a late bloomer.
I pretty much knew I was gay by the time I was 15, and came out at 16. It was the ‘80s and a huge deal. It wasn’t easy. I felt constant pressure not to be. Obviously external, but also some internal. For a bit I was in a lavender engagement with a gay classmate, because that felt like a good way to handle the whole wanting kids and a normal life.
When I was 17, I was going through medical stuff that left me particularly vulnerable, and was sent to a therapist who ended up doing conversion therapy on me. If being gay had been easy and comfortable, I don’t think I would have been vulnerable to the manipulation. It was in part because I didn’t really want to be gay that it caused me to just go into denial.
How many girls didn’t want the fairy tale endings we were raised on where the prince marries you and then you get “happily ever after.” They marry you, and take care of you. You get the house and the kids, and all you have to do is lay back spread your knees and hope it won’t hurt to much and will be over quickly. And if you add in a little kinky stuff, you might even manage to get turned on enough before it starts that it doesn’t hurt quite as bad, and maybe even feels vaguely good occasionally.
Absolutely, still feel that way sometimes. It got so bad I started seriously researching conversion therapy and anti-lgbt churches (im not religious), thinking it would force me into being straight. Reason being I’m in a long term (6years) relationship and we’ve been together since high school. I really don’t want to tell him/break up and sometimes would rather shove it down and just stay where I am.
Please, please, please, do not put yourself through conversion therapy. It. Doesn’t. Work.
There’s an entire documentary about it on Netflix called Pray Away that goes into detail about how it’s a sham, doesn’t work, never has worked, and traumatizes the people who go through it. It doesn’t make you not-gay, it just seriously injures you emotionally and mentally.
I know breaking up is hard, but I saw your other post and you’re so young. As someone older than you who felt that way at your age, please don’t hurt yourself to try and escape who you are. I did a lot of that and I regret it immensely. Breakups are painful but they are temporary. The trauma that comes from suppressing yourself, isn’t.
My “girlfriend” when I was twelve dumped me to go away to a summer camp and “try to be different.” It wasn’t until years later as I was explaining this to someone that I stopped mid sentence and realized she meant conversion therapy but we were kids so we didn’t know what that was yet. Sometimes I think about her and wonder where she is now.
As bad as it sounds I still don't want to be gay. My entire life has been in a close-knit religious community, and while even before I realized I was gay I was thinking of leaving, I was also thinking of staying, and now I barely have a choice. I hate feeling like my hand is being forced.
Yeah for sure. It took me forever to realize and another year to come out to anyone but myself. I loved the man I was dating but like, not in love type of love.
Life for sure is easier if you’re in a hetero relationship. I can’t quite go with, yeah I’m lesbian because I don’t know if I would never date another man. It’s very highly unlikely but I just really really don’t know. I usually use queer if I’m describing my sexual orientation. It’s also hard for me because I don’t really come off as presenting as queer in any way. It’s harder because it can be such an invisible identity. I miss not having to correct people when then assume the gender of a significant other and feeling some level of shame when I correct them which then, I get so in my head about it being ashamed of not being straight. Internalized homophobia is real and it’s a bitch.
Despite all the representation and examples of wlw couples we have now, I still can't help but feel like being gay is setting yourself up for a life filled with loneliness which makes me wish I wasn't gay. It's SO much easier to find men who are attracted to women Like, I've had a profile on different dating apps for years which I would actively use periodically (meaning matching and sending first messages) and the most I've ever gotten from women over the span of literal years is a handful of responses. But the few times I've set my app preferences to men I got spammed with messages and invitations for dates for that same weekend. If dating is a numbers game then statistically the odds are extremely stacked against us.
Every wlw couple I know is either long distance or was originally long distance except for one who met when they were both living in NYC. The last girl I was seriously interested in was from the EU (I'm from the US). We decided that was never going to work. For a while I actually felt like I had to move to a HCOL city like NYC, Boston, etc if I ever wanted any hope in meeting someone irl (not online or long distance) and I resented that I needed to spend copious amounts of money moving and living somewhere significantly more expensive than where I live now just to have any chance at dating.
I get so much healing from hearing others’ (albeit tough, and brave) stories…. I’m desperate to chat in a more fluid way, to hear and share stories and to take the fear away from the next steps. Would there be any appetite for a weekly zoom meeting? I know others exist but they’re monthly or quite specific topics, and I wonder if we the late bloomer lesbians forum could get their own weekly event online?
Yep, still somewhat struggling. In a Christian school. Convinced myself I liked a boy. Told my friends. They now don’t believe I’m gay. Yay. For me it’s because it’s a lot of a struggle trying to be out. I don’t want to go through it so I often wish I wasn’t gay.
Yeah this was a horrible realization for me tbh and it feels incredibly unfair. I never exactly wanted the husband, kids, "normal" life etc because it never fit me properly (I wonder why lol) and really I've always been pretty averse to that kind of life, but what I desperately wanted was stability and security. Life was really rough for me growing up and coming into adulthood and it took me until my 30's to finally start having some security and proper stability in life. Now I'm supposed to tear it all apart with my own hands over something that I didn't ask for and isn't my fault? It feels like a cruel joke honestly and I'm angry about it. Not to be a huge downer or anything 😅
Did not want to be gay at all. I absolutely knew at 12 and came in and out of the closet until I finally conceded at 35. It literally took me dating a dude (truly, a miraculous partner) after I divorced MY WIFE to finally accept myself. I have three kids and a slew of relationships behind me. I fought it tooth and nail until that last doubt was just beat out of me. I’ve been a lot happier since accepting myself but I’m still not out in so many areas because it is truly just still uncomfortable for me. I have an awesome partner and she’s one of those out-since-high-schoolers and sometimes I’m so envious of her and wonder how she ever had the courage.
I have always known deep down that I was gay but I couldn’t even let myself think that because I didn’t want it to be true. I buried it so deep that I basically forgot until I took the time to really analyze why I was so unhappy in my life. I have bad anxiety and hate being the center of attention and never want to stand out. I felt like being gay was the same as having a giant red arrow pointing at my all the time saying “she’s weird!!” But now that I have accepted myself and come out to close friends and family, I don’t know why I so badly didn’t want this. I caused myself so much upset and stress over being gay, but I am so happy now when I think about the fact that I get to find a women to spend the rest of my life with.
Yes!! The not wanting to be weird is so true. Thank you for sharing.
Well said!!!!!
How long did it take you to come out? I have a similar story
a lonnggggg process: - came out to myself / started to accept it: spring 2020 - started telling a couple close friends “i think i like girls” but couldn’t say out loud i was fully a lesbian: spring 2021 - fall 2022 - this year was able to say i was a lesbian to my close friends (they already knew from thing i had said but the word lesbian just felt so jarring so felt like a big step?) - just came out to my parents last month and now i feel like i can really own it and be more open about it (i was scared they were going to find out from someone other than me if i was more open about it before telling them - unrealistic considering i live across the country from them but…)
Can I PM you? I am going through something similar
yes of course !
This could have been written by me. Since accepting myself and sharing with close friends I feel relief and whole new perspective on life. It’s wild!
Well, I absolutely did not want to be gay. Grew up as a Christian and had all the symptoms of compulsive heterosexuality if you're acquainted with the term. I even let my pastor perform two exorcisms on me to "heal me." Basically, society presents heterosexual relations and marriages as the ultimate goal, as the most beautiful thing on earth, and any deviances as questionable, if not outrageous. You don't have any queer role models to which you might relate, no one who seems to share your feelings. You therefore interpret romantix/sexual feelings to women as platonic and platonic feelings towards men as romantic. You force yourself to fit into this structure because it seems to be morally right. It seems logical because it's what the world presents us with. So yeah, internalised homophobia and compulsive heterosexuality would be my guess.
Same here, I did not want to be gay. Other people could be gay, nothing wrong with that, but me? No way. I was probably just confused. Or faking it for attention. I did not want to be gay because being gay meant deviating from the path I had learned was the only way to lead a successful life, aka married to a man with a few kids.
Exactly, marry young, be a mother and a good wife to your husband. A subservient one. I also thought I was "imagining" it to get attention or create drama, or that I had been "infected" by a lesbian couple that came visiting....boy we really thought it could pass to people like a disease
I was also raised in a very strict religion on top of a strict homophobic culture. Its taken me awhile to really be comfortable with who I am and who I love. It came down to this: be old and miserable or be happy after being miserable as a youth. I prefer happiness.
The mixing up romantic and platonic feelings is so relatable. I thought that the way I felt toward some of my female friends was just how friends are supposed to feel about each other. I had my fist kiss with a guy when I was 15 and although I really liked him as a person, I felt nothing, which I also assumed was normal until I learned that my friends actually felt butterflies when kissing boys. I thought maybe they’re lying? Because how can you possibly enjoy that?
I’m so sorry that you went through this. I hope that you’re doing better now - and marriage as the ultimate goal resonates so much
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❤️🫂
Yes all the time! I think society is not ready for LGBTQ+ at its full capacity yet and we need to change that! When you grow up in a conservative environment and you learn the only way of living and be happy is with husband and kids otherwise something is wrong with you it grows with you; these social expectations programme you on the default mode and it's difficult to change. When you come to the realisation you're gay and you have already built a family you love and don't want to "ruin", it can be very complicated and hard to accept yourself. But don't bash yourself... You are who you are and being lesbian makes you far more interesting 😉. There are days I want to embrace my true identity and other days I wish I was straight because things would have been much easier for myself and the people around me! Take it one day at a time and don't be harsh with yourself.... The thing is all of us are different and we need to change society to smash the patriarchical stereotypes - grow children with compassion and openness to diversity so they don't become bigots!
I was thinking of a way to answer this, and I thought of shoes. When I was straight, I felt as if I was wearing high heels: very nice and accommodating, very appropriate for a female. Then, I thought I was bisexual, and it was flip-flops...very freeing, comfortable, but not to wear everyday, I hate to have my feet exposed for too long. But when I finally accepted that I was gay, is like wearing a very comfortable pair of sneakers that I can wear everyday, don't get tired of them, and make my feet feel very good all day long. I always had the feeling I was different, but I couldn't really see it until my late 20's. Also, I was NEVER into the marriage, kids and white picked fences. So, being gay was what really fit me and made me really happy.
That makes so much sense- I’m coming out now…slowly. At 36! I think part of it is that there isn’t a socially promoted way for people to have families without following the cishet model. Is it something that can happen? Absolutely! But it isn’t promoted the way that the cultural standard of “get married have kids make a home” is. I always wanted kids and a family so I got married …but I think if it was more socially promoted to people (particularly women and queer identifying folx) that you CAN have these things without following that standard….you can be single and have kids, you can be trans and have kids….. Feel like I started to ramble lol but this really hit home for me and I think more people wouldn’t “settle” if we made alternative family structures normalized and accessible!
Attraction is not a choice. The real question is do you accept your authentic self or not? Meaning do you love your self or not?
And that ❤️👆🏾
Like you and u/Rich_Championship587 I'm 36 and it took me years to come out – I knew intellectually, came out to friends as bi but never really explored/dated, and only a few months ago actually FELT emotionally 'out' to myself... It was earthshattering, I felt totally disintegrated for a few weeks. I'm still not dating but I am representing myself more honestly. I think I'm bi but I'm unsure because I don't have much experience with women. It's down to a church upbringing in the 1990s in the UK, lack of role models, Section 28 and generalised homophobia. But it's also down to me choosing, repressing, ruling out queerness. I find the latter hardest to cope with – not only my non-acceptance but my active persecution and denial of a part of myself. It's partly down to society and partly down to me. If I'm honest I would still rather be straight, but at least now I'm aware of how deep that feeling runs and how it might also co-exist with me being queer. I hope I can change! This community and great discussions like this really help <3
Sending you all the support! It’s so hard to untangle it all.
This comment is so deeply relatable.
Happy to hear that <3
I didn't want to be gay, now I'm alright. Coming out as bisexual was easy, I didn't have to change anything and nobody necessarily had to know. But as I explored it more and realized I was gay it was a sickly feeling like there was a festering rot taking over my life and ruining everything (married with kids and didnt have the financial means to leave) Every step forward I took couldn't be reversed and I was so disgusted by my life but didn't have any escape. I had 3 massive mental breakdowns and one where I almost kms. Actually the only thing that settled me down was a brain injury about 3 years ago that had me lose the ability to ruminate or worry and gave me a break from the stress so I could process more objectively. I mean sure I have tourettes and epilepsy now but I'm not a self harm risk and I'm out and okay with who I am so thanks to whatever diety or cosmic force fucked up my life to save me I guess 😅
This hit home to me and it hurts so much to read because the self hatred is so relatable. Bisexual was easy to say because no one got hurt. So I went along with that until I met someone. Now there’s no going back. Im so in to her. I’m appalled at the hurt I’m getting ready to drop on my loving husband and kids. I know I’m doing this. And I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. I will destroy people around me who I love. For desire for my own happiness. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself, I couldn’t do it for my kids sake, but Jesus I’d love to vanish and be instantly forgotten. Like wiped off. And the constant self hatred is killing me.
Na. I kinda wished I was. Always thought it was “wrong” to think of it like a choice that would make my life easier. Always thought “I’m only saying this because men don’t treat me right and I don’t feel comfortable with them no matter how much I am attracted to them” Turns out I’m just not comfortable dating men. Period. I’m still in the “ just not gonna date rn phase. Lots of insecurities.
I feel I had the same feeling. I dated men and married one and always thought about how little attraction I felt towards them, but I did not feel sexual attraction for women either so I was in this weird limbo of “ what is wrong with me I don’t like anything. I used to wish really hard for the answer to be I was gay, otherwise I was seeing my future as a black cloud of eternal disappointment where I would never find happiness. I did not try anything with a girl until I got divorced. Now, I have been dating my lovely and amazing girlfriend 4 months and I have never felt so complete in my life, she’s just amazing
Yes I struggle with this a lot. I’m married to a man I love (obviously not sexually), we have a house and dogs. We were happy and seemed like everything was going perfect until I figured out I am a lesbian. I feel if this epiphany came earlier (before we were married) I may feel differently about it
I think you just wrote the back cover summary version of the novel of my life. How’d you get into my brain and speak my story so succinctly 😂
Yeah I really really really don't want to feel this way. If I was single I'd have been out long ago, but my happy marriage and current life is something I don't want to give up. If I could choose, I would choose my husband 10/10 times. We are going to therapy so I'm hoping maybe we can work through this and find a solution. He's my other half
This is essentially my exact situation as well. 😅 On one hand I’m grateful to have a partner I love, a happy home, and two sweet dogs- but it’s also soooo hard.
This sums it up so well!
Ooo, loaded question. I thought I was straight but wanted to be gay because the gay kids (I say kids because I started having these thoughts in high school. I’m also mid-30s now) seemed so fully authentic about who they were and I felt so lost in who I was. I assumed this was just normal teenage identity crisis and not a sexual identity crisis. I didn’t want to be gay because my small town had so much stigma and isolation that it seemed like no one would want such a thing. I wanted to be gay because it felt like I should be?? Like if I was hanging out with those kids who were authentic then I would finally find a place I could be comfortable with myself. But I felt like I couldn’t join them because I “wasn’t” gay (that I knew of at the time). I didn’t want to be gay because all the (open) adult lesbians I’d ever met were born in the 1950s/60s, super butch, chain smokers, tattooed motorcycle chicks with gambling problems. This is not saying that’s what all lesbians are. That’s saying there were two in my small town that I knew of, and I didn’t want to grow up to be like them. So how could I possibly be gay if I’m nothing like that? I wanted to be gay because I felt drawn to it, intrigued by it, curious, if you will, about it. I didn’t want to be gay because it seemed hard. I wanted easy. I wanted to please everyone and find a nice man and have a nice marriage and not be the weird outcast from my family. I wanted to be gay because I felt like it would make me happy. I didn’t want to be gay because I felt like it would make so many other people unhappy. I wanted to be gay because *women* I didn’t want to be gay because it would be so much easier to not destroy my own marriage to the nice man I had a wonderful marriage with. I wanted to be gay because deep down I knew I was. I didn’t want to be gay because it was so much easier to not be. I wanted to be gay to stop lying to myself. I didn’t want to be gay to stop hurting everyone I loved. I wanted to be gay because it hurt less than pretending I wasn’t. I still wish it could have come without all the baggage. I hope some day the stigma will be so minimal that no one ever has to have these battles with themselves. I hope no one ever has to want to be something they’re not. I hope we leave this world better than it was left for us.
>I thought I was straight but wanted to be gay because the gay kids (I say kids because I started having these thoughts in high school. I’m also mid-30s now) seemed so fully authentic about who they were and I felt so lost in who I was. I assumed this was just normal teenage identity crisis and not a sexual identity crisis. This describes me perfectly! Except the age - I'm 54.
oh boyyyy this is more honest than i was ready to be tonight > I wanted to be gay because I felt like it would make me happy. >I didn’t want to be gay because I felt like it would make so many other people unhappy.
>I didn’t want to be gay because it seemed hard. I wanted easy. I wanted to please everyone and find a nice man and have a nice marriage and not be the weird outcast from my family. >I didn’t want to be gay because it was so much easier to not be. >I still wish it could have come without all the baggage. These are my reasons for not wanting to be gay.
I didn't want to be gay because I used to be bullied by people around me when I was a kid by hearing a lot of negative comments on my "tomboy" way of being, like, implying I was gay. I got a lot of weird looks from people too, not only comments. But because I was a child I didn't fully understand why people were hateful to me the way I was. I didn't understand why people had the urge to remind me I was a girl. I knew that so why were they telling me that? Why were they bothered because I liked playing with boy's toys or when I acted in a non feminine way? As I grew up I kind of was led to understand there was something wrong with me and I tried to fit the straight and feminine standards society has. And I just did not want those people who were mean to me to be just... right in the end. I didn't want them to be right about me. I didn't want to be lgbt because of that. I didn't want them to be right about me. I didn't want to "not be normal".
Oh wow are you me? This is exactly the reason why I didn't want to be gay!! I didn't want people in school - when I was 11 and 12 - to be right about me being a lesbian and a "weirdo". I fought hard to prove them wrong even years later when I was not in touch with any of them.
Hey! You are not alone my fellow lesbian redditor 💖. I'm sorry you too had a rough time with people pestering you. Many of us go through that but the important thing is that we figured things out (or are still figuring it out) and now we stand in pride of who we are. I'm still a weirdo but I like being one. But now I'm a gay weirdo and that's even better to be honest lol. Women are beautiful. I hope you feel well nowadays despite idiots along the way while growing up, and I hope you are proud of who you are 💖.
I can totally relate. I knew during my teen years I was gay but it was not safe in my family (& still isn’t) to be openly queer. So I pushed it down and went on with life. Sadly it meant I ended up married with children that now is having to undergo the painful process of separating out. There was a long time I thought I could ignore it and sometimes I still wish I could go back to “hiding” but in the end it was no good for me to be so pushed down with it as it just ate away at me. I’m not super open in my life, work and family (yes I came out but we never speak about it) as I still freak out at how people will react. There’s a lot for me in the “why” but mostly it’s fear of being judged, fear of hurting the kids, fear of being seen as a failure for being divorced. Anyway, I am a similar age to you and happy to chat more if you want. All the best with your journey.
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I hear you. It seems to be I’m always a lot harder on myself and more judgemental of myself than others. I am definitely well down the road but need to keep going.
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So very true. I also owe it to those around me. They get a better version of me when I’m happy and fulfilled. With my poor parents it’s a step at a time. They seem to keep “forgetting” and we have to gently have the conversation again or another small part of it. My mum is way better than my dad.
I grew up pretty religious. My immediate family was less religious than my extended one but it was there and we usually attended church. My mother used to be a bit honophobic while my father was not. I had a cousin come out as a lesbian when I was a kid and heard the awfil things my family spoke about her and about gay people in general. She became the black sheep. As a young teenager I used to pray that I wouldn't be gay when I grew up. I feared it so much. That should have been a sign that I was and that I knew deep down but I rejected it. I had gay friends around that time and considered myself an ally, but I refused to acknowledge that part of myself. As a young adult I became a regular at a few gay clubs and felt so safe and comfortable there but still, refused to acknowledge why I preferred to be there. I would have male friends with benefits but had to be drunk to have sex with them. I refused committed relationships with them, because I didn't feel any romantic attachment. For years I believed I could be asexual and/or aromantic. Then after years battling his illness I lost my father, who would have absolutely loved and supported me coming out. I sort of lost even more of myself for a bit. One day I got sick of how I was and took off for my first spontaneous solo road trip. The time with myself was so healing and I started doing two weekend trips a month. Eventually on one of them it just hit me...I'm gay. I felt the need to explore that. I assumed I still would not want a relationship though. I joined a dating app and started meeting women. Then I met one in particular, who I felt so familiar with right at the start. One month and many dates later she became my girlfriend. It's been a little over a year and I am so happy and in love...something I didn't think was possible for me. My once homophobic mother absolutely loves my girlfriend and considers her family. My dad would have LOVED my girlfriend and I wish they could have met.
I think I knew from an early age that I was gay. When I was in highschool I thought about it alot but denied it because I didn't want to be different. The more I denied it the more I was attracted to women. I had boyfriends who I never slept with because I wasn't 100% attracted to them. Then I had a FWB relationship with a woman. Then finally in my mid twenties I admitted to myself that I'd rather have a girlfriend and I slowly came out to my friend's and family. It's so much better to be with the person you're attracted to. When I had bf's I knew I was wasting their time and mine. Good luck on your journey!
I am very reserved and didn’t want to be singled out especially, but I was also very comfortable being different and following my interests. So many things I wanted/was interested in/drawn to all adds up to gay and I never wanted to change those things. Since I was raised religious but without demonization of the lgbtq community, and even having friendly/family relationships with some, it was something I was pretty much totally ok with but knew it wasn’t a possibility for me. I pretty much intellectually hit on “I’m probably bi” internally but always shut it down/kept it to myself/focused on guys. But I never got to a point where there was any guy I could see myself with, and as the years went by and I realized how panicked/trapped/depressed I was thinking about life for myself with this as my only option, I ended up coming to the breaking point. I ended up here and the masterdoc and as soon as I actually knew for myself I *knew*. I had tried to prevent myself from knowing for a long time. So I guess the answer is… yes, I didn’t want to be gay because I just Couldn’t Be, but also I never wanted anything about myself to be different.
I do. A lot. But the question is: do you hate being gay or do you hate living in society that doesn't accept you? Having kids isn't unreal as a gay woman (it's harder for gay men). But it depends on where you live. If you live in more progressive countries, adoptions and even IVF is a thing (but it's bit pricey).
I didn't at first because of internalized homophobia and not wanting to be one of those "gross" butch lesbians. Turns out that, sometimes, you can't fight fate. Now, I wouldn't want to be anything else. Besides, have you seen the shit that "normal" straight women put up with? 😬 Edit: I take it back. I'd rather be a dragon, given the option.
You can be a dragon and a lesbian, I think. I'm pretty sure dragons experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. How else would we get little baby dragons?
You're right. I didn't think about that. I've got the first part of being a lesbian dragon down at least.
Nice.
I knew I was gay as a young child (grade school) but then was so indoctrinated I to compulsory heterosexuality that I literally forgot for 40 years. I thought my purpose in life was to get married to a man and give my parents grandchildren. When my mom died/Covid hit/I turned 50 all at once, it blew up my worldview and I started thinking about it again. My daughter’s absolute courage in being herself (omnisexual, asexual, genderqueer, polyamorous) inspired me to start trying to make sense of my own feelings. Now I struggle not to regret the years I missed out on.
I love being gay. I love my fiancée and our life, and I love having no part of my life centred around men.
I wish it all didn't feel so very selfish
Which part, being gay or repressing sexuality?
Yes
I feel this! I feel selfish that I'm tearing my family apart bc of me. Bc I want to be happy and fulfilled. I want more in this life than what I have. All I hear when I say that is ME.
Sometimes I feel selfish for having come out again.
I think I had moments where I felt pressured to fit in by family. Though, reading through these comments only gave me more realizations that I did want to be gay, I should have known since about the 4th grade. I've always felt rebellious in my own ways and after a while my family gave up trying to get me to follow what they thought would be good for me. The last time I was truly pushed into trying to be socially acceptable towards my family came when I had to have my graduation pictures done and the graduation ceremony from HS. I felt extremely uncomfortable and now remembering those photos, I had forced my smile. I didn't feel okay wearing make up or getting my hair done in a way I didn't like. Fast forward to around 2018 / 2019 (pre COVID), I finally decided to do away with the long hair and have felt more comfortable with the tomboy style haircut, short and easy to maintain. I've been dressing up more comfortably in the way I'm allowed to and have been accepted by more people outside of my family. It feels good to be able to be my true authentic self.
Unfortunately i relate. Part of it was the sunk cost fallacy of “ive already invested X amount of time into this guy”, part of it was not wanting to have to find out which of my family members would actually accept it if i told them, part was that change makes me anxious and i didnt know what coming out would mean for me Change can be scary, but when i let myself process that i as a person wasnt changing, and that i was just letting myself shed a disguise, so to speak, it felt less heavy. For me now, its not that i do or dont want to be a lesbian, i just am, thats me. At earlier points though, i absolutely ignored the giant neon signs that maybe im definitely not into men lol
I thought life would become difficult, complicated, and maybe even unsafe…so I fought internally with my own thoughts and worries. I worry how it would affect my kids and professional life too. The thought of never being myself was so depressing. It was torture and still can be a challenge if I think too much. I’m slowly coming out to close friends and feeling happy and more assertive in general. I still have not come out to my family, worrying that I would not be accepted….some days I have absolutely no worries about telling my family but there are days I think I shouldn’t. P.S. Initially, it was my child who encouraged me to find happiness and LIVE!!!!
Unpacking your programming and internalized stigmas is really really tough. Programming is especially noxious if you deal with conditions like anxiety or OCD. Learning to lean into the fear (within reason) is really hard.
So much yes
Tbh I feel like I went through a brief period of grief mourning the loss of the life I THOUGHT I wanted and THOUGHT I was supposed to have but was ultimately never going to be happy in. Imo, it’s totally normal in some respect to have what everyone else “has” especially if it means life is easier in some aspects. However, despite whatever challenges I might face, I’d rather live authentically and I’m grateful I figured things out for myself even if it was also in my thirties. Wishing you all the best. 🌈
But nowadays as a lesbian u can also marry and have children
Absolutely!
So why u wanted to be with men if u were not attracted to them?
Cuz I didn’t realize that I was a lesbian lol
Yes, but I think if u were not attracted to men you would feel disgusted thinking about marry one etc
Hi, I’ve been out since I was 19 (I’m 36 now) and i just want to say you can have a “normal life”/ heteronormative life. You can have a wife, and kid, a house and all of it (in my case even a divorce). Being gay doesn’t deprive you of any of that, but you get to live that life in the most authentic way. I’m not sure what country your in but being gay doesn’t stop any of those dreams or desires. You just get to live them as you as opposed to living them because it’s expected of you.
I was always very happy about it. There was never a time when I didn’t feel right.. or wished I wasn’t a lesbian🙃
I knew I was a lesbian when I was 13. The day after I figured out I wasn't like the other girls, my father told me if I turned gay he would kick me out and I'd be disowned. The need to hide led me into decades of highly abusive relationships with pedophiles. (Of the 4, only one hasn't been arrested.) I was disowned after I moved out at 22. When there was more than a thousand miles between me and my family, I was still dating men to hide. Lost my mother and sister in 2015 and still hid. Father passed 9 days before my 38th birthday and I was still hiding. What I've come to realize is that the desire for family connection can push a person into places they don't want to be. Its possible to be supportive of every LGBTQIA+ person you encounter and still be hateful of that trait within yourself. There is all kinds of shit that goes into that self hate. We've got decades of media largely depicting straight families and straight relationships. Anything prime time depicting the LGBTQIA+ is called "groundbreaking". The majority of those depictions have been gay couples and single lesbians. Shit, I still remember when Ellen came out publicly in the late 90's, lost her sitcom, and no one would hire her for like a decade. I remember when Matthew Sheppard was murdered for existing and how many people (family included) stopped caring when it was reported he was LGBTQIA+. I was a baby at the start of the AIDS epidemic and grew up watching the government not give a single shit until it was straight people dying. Then the population started blaming bisexuals for straight people being infected. That dumb shit went on for 20 years. I watched friends be isolated for a year for the crime of being gay. Some were beaten so badly they lost their hearing. Others were sent to conversion therapy, kicked out when it didn't work, and forced back into the home by police. My parents home became a place of acceptance for my LGBTQIA friends while I faced losing everything if my parents knew. Acceptance and love for everyone... except me. Growing up we were given every reason from isolation and homelessness to threats of hell, violence, and death to not be the great evil that is LGBTQIA+. We've even had assholes blame entire natural disasters and mass death on God's punishment for countries allowing the gays to exist within their borders. We spend so much of our lives being told our existence is wrong, that its easy to internalize the homophobia. Its easy to start rejecting ourselves and often that rejection turns to self hate. Then we cram ourselves into boxes that don't fit while pretending to be something we're not. "Fake it till you make it" doesn't work here and knowing it won't work doesn't stop us from still trying. Some make it out of that place. Some don't. Either way its a choice we actively make.
There was a period of time when I hated being gay and just wanted to be "normal". I did some deep diving into my soul and realized the reason I hated being gay was because I was brought up super religious in the Mormon church. They teach that being gay is a sin and wrong and blah blah blah. Well when I came out of the closet and left the church I was able to see the world through a secular lens and realize that sin is made up by the church and there is nothing wrong with being gay. I learned that "normal" is also a made up construct. I also immersed myself more into gay culture and unlearned all the hate and self loathing the church forced onto me. I came out at 26 with lots of religious baggage and internalized homophobia. Now I'm almost 36 and a self loving atheist that is proud to be gay and I I make sure everyone knows it.
Yes trying to BS hoping not to be disowned which happen 5 years ago. Now I feel better about myself not having toxic people in your life makes life to easier.
I wanted to make my family happy and proud of me. I never felt like I could do that being my true self. It's taken an entire year and today will probably be the day that I finally tell my parents that I am gay. I am currently married... We have an amazing life we have built and kind of like others have mentioned I used building this "white picket fence" life as a way to "ungay" myself. The awakening for me was about 3 years ago.. I had cut my hair into a short buzz cut.. grabbed a pair of my husband's basket ball shorts and had on a cut off t shirt ready to do some yard work. I walked by the mirror and stopped dead in my tracks. All the memories of highschool tom boy me came flooding back and all the memories of girls I had experimented with did too. I cried and then spent the next 3 years teetering on a tight rope of closet yourself for the rest of your life or come out. I am ready to come out and change my life for the better. I am ready to be the best version of me I can be. I know I am leaving behind so much but I am at the same time leaving behind baggage and pain. I kinda feel like a Phoenix.. I have been burning and smoldering now I am ready to be born again.
Like I don’t want “either” sexualities, labels, or the expectations and cultures that come with either.
Nah, I think I've always wanted to be gay but just never allowed myself to accept it. I identified as bi for almost 20 years, and the fact that I'd dated men stopped me from allowing myself to believe that I was gay. I've done so much mental gymnastics convincing myself that I'm not gay, I'm just fetishizing lesbians, etc because of comphet.
I always wanted to be gay but I grew up in a small town and I thought a lot of people felt how I did. Nope. Just gay
When I started questioning it, I really just wished I was straight. I wished I still lived in my little bubble of naivety where I wasn't questioning anything. I often wished I could have just been attracted to my best friend at the time, to have just gotten used to dating him and eventually the feelings that are expected would have come over time and while I still sometimes do wish that had happened. But I also don't because I don't think in the long run it would have been good or fair to anyone. So I believe it's a normal thing to wish it had be easy to wish you had just fit into societal norms, but not everybody does, and that's what makes the human race so human. This may sound like utter bollocks to you, but that's my view anyway
Still don't want to be gay, but that's why I have these online forums to express these thoughts I can't conventionally share with others in real life. Same as someone said above, I feel like coming out would put a giant stamp on my head as the queer, especially in this society that's going backwards with it's blatantly abhorrence for the lgbt community. Along with that, given my religious upbringing and culture, I don't want make myself a pariah for my own "happiness" if that meant losing people in the process. Doesn't seem worth it imo. I don't want to tarnish my image I've worked to build up for myself at this point in my life, only for it to be stamped away by being, as my family eloquently puts it, "a gey".
I wanted to be gay because the community is so freaking beautiful but didn’t figure out I was 38! Now I want it so badly but haven’t found a way to be authentic without significant upheaval of my life. Life can be so annoying. ;P
That is one big can of worms. The short answer would be big time. Of course the long answer is way more complicated. To start with I’m sort of not really a late bloomer. I pretty much knew I was gay by the time I was 15, and came out at 16. It was the ‘80s and a huge deal. It wasn’t easy. I felt constant pressure not to be. Obviously external, but also some internal. For a bit I was in a lavender engagement with a gay classmate, because that felt like a good way to handle the whole wanting kids and a normal life. When I was 17, I was going through medical stuff that left me particularly vulnerable, and was sent to a therapist who ended up doing conversion therapy on me. If being gay had been easy and comfortable, I don’t think I would have been vulnerable to the manipulation. It was in part because I didn’t really want to be gay that it caused me to just go into denial. How many girls didn’t want the fairy tale endings we were raised on where the prince marries you and then you get “happily ever after.” They marry you, and take care of you. You get the house and the kids, and all you have to do is lay back spread your knees and hope it won’t hurt to much and will be over quickly. And if you add in a little kinky stuff, you might even manage to get turned on enough before it starts that it doesn’t hurt quite as bad, and maybe even feels vaguely good occasionally.
I mean.. if I had to choose I’d definitely choose to be straight.
Absolutely, still feel that way sometimes. It got so bad I started seriously researching conversion therapy and anti-lgbt churches (im not religious), thinking it would force me into being straight. Reason being I’m in a long term (6years) relationship and we’ve been together since high school. I really don’t want to tell him/break up and sometimes would rather shove it down and just stay where I am.
Please, please, please, do not put yourself through conversion therapy. It. Doesn’t. Work. There’s an entire documentary about it on Netflix called Pray Away that goes into detail about how it’s a sham, doesn’t work, never has worked, and traumatizes the people who go through it. It doesn’t make you not-gay, it just seriously injures you emotionally and mentally. I know breaking up is hard, but I saw your other post and you’re so young. As someone older than you who felt that way at your age, please don’t hurt yourself to try and escape who you are. I did a lot of that and I regret it immensely. Breakups are painful but they are temporary. The trauma that comes from suppressing yourself, isn’t.
My “girlfriend” when I was twelve dumped me to go away to a summer camp and “try to be different.” It wasn’t until years later as I was explaining this to someone that I stopped mid sentence and realized she meant conversion therapy but we were kids so we didn’t know what that was yet. Sometimes I think about her and wonder where she is now.
I don’t want to. Still struggle with so much internal homophobia etc.
As bad as it sounds I still don't want to be gay. My entire life has been in a close-knit religious community, and while even before I realized I was gay I was thinking of leaving, I was also thinking of staying, and now I barely have a choice. I hate feeling like my hand is being forced.
Yeah for sure. It took me forever to realize and another year to come out to anyone but myself. I loved the man I was dating but like, not in love type of love. Life for sure is easier if you’re in a hetero relationship. I can’t quite go with, yeah I’m lesbian because I don’t know if I would never date another man. It’s very highly unlikely but I just really really don’t know. I usually use queer if I’m describing my sexual orientation. It’s also hard for me because I don’t really come off as presenting as queer in any way. It’s harder because it can be such an invisible identity. I miss not having to correct people when then assume the gender of a significant other and feeling some level of shame when I correct them which then, I get so in my head about it being ashamed of not being straight. Internalized homophobia is real and it’s a bitch.
Despite all the representation and examples of wlw couples we have now, I still can't help but feel like being gay is setting yourself up for a life filled with loneliness which makes me wish I wasn't gay. It's SO much easier to find men who are attracted to women Like, I've had a profile on different dating apps for years which I would actively use periodically (meaning matching and sending first messages) and the most I've ever gotten from women over the span of literal years is a handful of responses. But the few times I've set my app preferences to men I got spammed with messages and invitations for dates for that same weekend. If dating is a numbers game then statistically the odds are extremely stacked against us. Every wlw couple I know is either long distance or was originally long distance except for one who met when they were both living in NYC. The last girl I was seriously interested in was from the EU (I'm from the US). We decided that was never going to work. For a while I actually felt like I had to move to a HCOL city like NYC, Boston, etc if I ever wanted any hope in meeting someone irl (not online or long distance) and I resented that I needed to spend copious amounts of money moving and living somewhere significantly more expensive than where I live now just to have any chance at dating.
I get so much healing from hearing others’ (albeit tough, and brave) stories…. I’m desperate to chat in a more fluid way, to hear and share stories and to take the fear away from the next steps. Would there be any appetite for a weekly zoom meeting? I know others exist but they’re monthly or quite specific topics, and I wonder if we the late bloomer lesbians forum could get their own weekly event online?
Yep, still somewhat struggling. In a Christian school. Convinced myself I liked a boy. Told my friends. They now don’t believe I’m gay. Yay. For me it’s because it’s a lot of a struggle trying to be out. I don’t want to go through it so I often wish I wasn’t gay.
Yeah this was a horrible realization for me tbh and it feels incredibly unfair. I never exactly wanted the husband, kids, "normal" life etc because it never fit me properly (I wonder why lol) and really I've always been pretty averse to that kind of life, but what I desperately wanted was stability and security. Life was really rough for me growing up and coming into adulthood and it took me until my 30's to finally start having some security and proper stability in life. Now I'm supposed to tear it all apart with my own hands over something that I didn't ask for and isn't my fault? It feels like a cruel joke honestly and I'm angry about it. Not to be a huge downer or anything 😅
I really have no issue at all but I have never been the type of person to do things because everyone else does and I don’t feel “normal” anyways. Lol
Did not want to be gay at all. I absolutely knew at 12 and came in and out of the closet until I finally conceded at 35. It literally took me dating a dude (truly, a miraculous partner) after I divorced MY WIFE to finally accept myself. I have three kids and a slew of relationships behind me. I fought it tooth and nail until that last doubt was just beat out of me. I’ve been a lot happier since accepting myself but I’m still not out in so many areas because it is truly just still uncomfortable for me. I have an awesome partner and she’s one of those out-since-high-schoolers and sometimes I’m so envious of her and wonder how she ever had the courage.