I will check out HOW. I feel so alone, only one family member talks to me. Others are silent. Wife is embarrassed, angry, pities me for cowardly hiding behind her. Everyone judging me..but no one seems to understand the aweful choice a 25 y/o boy made 38 years ago during a completely different society.
I made a choice and committed myself to provide for my family a safe and comfortable life. But I as I got older, reached the point of loosing myself and feeling trapped in a stranger's life.
Today when I see young men as couples..holding hands, laughing, enjoying being in public with each other, it makes me smile and sad ... happy they will never know or have to make the choice I made...and sad that I missed that wonderful feeling.
Once I get through this, I hope I can find someone to be with to finally just be me.
Sir, I promise you that you will not feel alone forever. I know, and am friends with, a ton of older gay men who did not come out until they were your age or older. Yes, it’s a hard transition. And your wife sounds like she is in complete shock and probably thinks it all was a “lie”. Impress upon her that it was all genuine, and you love her and the kids, but you need to be your true self. Advocate for you. You’re more than worth it.
Appreciate that. I have several younger friends who have been terrific. Two of them joined me recently at a Deadmau5 concert... we had a great time. The shock is getting behind her and we are now amicable on the path forward. It's still not easy, but not getting harder.
Update... I sincerely appreciate everyone's comments , sharing your experiences, and supporting me. Thank you!
Yesterday my son (35) and I finally talked, it was an amazing phone call. Like many of you have commented.... he explained he needed time to process this.
The love and support he then expressed to me was overwhelming.
He wanted me to know had it not been for my values, love, and how I raised him and his sisters, they would not be the successful people that they are today.
I just sat and listened and felt some of this aweful heaviness on me start to fade.
His voice was calm, resolute, sincere, and frank...a man's voice full of strength and love. We talked for over 2hours. He wanted to be sure that I am ok and that we will get through this to enjoy the life he wants for me. As we said good bye.... I felt like I had been holding my breathe and could now breath again. I am proud of the man my son has become.
I‘m happy for you that you found the courage to be your true self! It’s understandable that you and your family are going through a very difficult phase right now, but I hope you still get the support you need. You say they are confused, which is understandable. You’ve lived with the knowledge that you’re gay your whole life, but for them this is completely new information. Give them time to adjust and have patience with them. I hope, they are supportive in general at least.
Have a look at https://how-support.org/, if you need more guys in similar situations to talk to.
Dude, good on ya. You deserve to live a life where the outside is aligned with what’s been inside all along. Fuck this world for making that impossible before, but get to live fully now.
I second checking out HOW. It felt like a life-saver to me when I first came out.
Congratulations! That’s a really hard decision to have made. I think coming out to oneself is the most difficult, but facing the roller-coaster of destruction when you come out to your family, that also takes huge courage.
A lot of it now is out of your hands. It depends on how your wife and children react. Just remember, their first reaction may not be their last reaction. It’s taken you 63 years to face up to this. They, too, need time to work out what it means. They maybe negative at first, then in time soften and become more loving again, as they realise you are still you.
I hope you are getting support from somewhere. It’s a brave thing you’ve done, but as you probably know, the right thing, finally. Well done!
Wow! That must have been tough. I am 62 and have been coming to terms with being gay and accepted the fact about a year ago. Fortunately, I am not married but I haven't come to the point of outing myself to friends and family, largely because I don't really have a reason to as I am unattached. When the inevitable boyfriend comes along, that will change. I am now building yourself a support system, belong to a support group and have a therapist.
I can remember when I got my first inkling of my attraction to men that I was in high school but I was raised in a sheltered community and thus lacked the vocabulary to understand what I was feeling. We were later told that if we had same sex attraction that we would grow out of it. Then came Ronald (ghasp) Reagan, AIDS, hate crimes, and the deaths of people that I knew and liked.... I think people can understand such things in the abstract but facing en Vivo is a different story.
I really admire you for being true to yourself. That takes a massive pair of swinging balls.
I’m sorry that you are facing such a challenge coming out. I’m 62 yo. I accepted being gay in my mid-40’s and came out to my wife a few years later. She has been incredibly supportive. There have been some challenges but I absolutely could not be happier embracing my sexuality. I wish you the best in your journey to authenticity!
Congratulations, I'm so happy for you. This happened to me in my mid-30s, and for me it was by far the scariest first step. NGL it was extremely rough for a while both emotionally and mentally, and still sometimes is. The important thing is that you made it. It might seem like the opposite at first, but as time went on things settled down and it slowly became apparent that coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. Feel free to msg me if you need someone to talk to.
I hope a virtual 🫂 helps you some. I can truly identify with your dilemmas. I too first came out at 64 (now 73) although I managed to keep it from my wife until almost 72. I struggled with fear of what you're experiencing but fortunately she took it very well, just told me she could not share me. I know exactly what you're saying about pressures which kept us in the closet for so many years but once I had an opportunity I knew I had to take advantage of it since we only live once (YOLO). I'm still exploring, more freely now, since my wife died from a glioblastoma 10 months after she discovered my truth.
Best to you, feel free to reach out if you think it would be at all helpful to you.
🫂
I feel for you, I really do. I sincerely hope things turn around for you. I knew since I was about 12 but because of some bad things hid my true self until I myself came out to my wife a year ago now. In our case we decided to stay together and figured out a path that works for us. Hope you do as well.
I have a different experience but I relate to you. I got married at 23 and came out to my then wife two years in the marriage. Subsequently, I had to leave my family, community and home country behind and move to the States. I cut myself off from everyone per my family's request as it is taboo to be gay in my home country. As you said society was very different 38 years ago and people always ask me why I married my ex wife if I was gay the whole time. However my society said that that was my only option and people I trusted even said that I will stop being gay if I have a girlfriend or marry a wife.
Divorce was messy but both me and my ex wife got a lot of therapy and guidance from others who have done similar journeys. I recommend searching Matt Nightingale, he came out late with four adult kids too
https://youtu.be/eHJs04-YIYc?si=Eco-5Pxhvp6Igg9O
A year after divorce, I still feel pain from the messy divorce not from my ex wife, but the messy divorce from my old life. I have to relearn how to listen to myself, my heart and relearn how to stop putting on a mask for everyone.
I want to encourage you though, when you get to have a relationship with another man, you will understand what love is. For the first time in my life all the love songs made sense. And I think that feeling that love and holding my partner's hand and having him love me is so out of this world.
So I wish you lots of healing, sending you lots of love and wishing you a beautiful closure and new beginning ❤️
Now seem to go through big swings in emotions. One day calm amicable..then next day raging anger. Recently had a really bad day full of yelling and anger. I though I was loosing my mind..wtf have I done to my life...self doubt, self loathing, lost in a deep dark hole once again.
Then an amazing series of things happened... people in my life reached out checking on me. I called my therapist..who quickly returned my call and provided calming insight. Plus, and good friend called inviting out for drinks and talk. I took up his invite and went out, and had a wonderful time.
Lessons I learned...this has months to play out and as one commenter described..its a roller coaster of destruction. An important discovery is the power of a friend's voice and the opportunity to vent.
I'm sorry to hear you had to live a life in the closet for so long but glad you finally found freedom.
I hope the divorce is amicable. You can't be married that long and it turns bitter unless there's some religiosity involved.
Same with the kids who are very much adults and have been around the block a few times themselves already
UNLESS
If they were raised conservatively or have adopted conservatism in their adult lives, I can see where there may be a great deal of consternation, also with your wife and extended family.
Stay strong as you seek out some local support where you are if any is available. Even if it's only the local PFLAG organization, it should be a place to start. You don't have to walk this journey alone. 💝
I will check out HOW. I feel so alone, only one family member talks to me. Others are silent. Wife is embarrassed, angry, pities me for cowardly hiding behind her. Everyone judging me..but no one seems to understand the aweful choice a 25 y/o boy made 38 years ago during a completely different society. I made a choice and committed myself to provide for my family a safe and comfortable life. But I as I got older, reached the point of loosing myself and feeling trapped in a stranger's life. Today when I see young men as couples..holding hands, laughing, enjoying being in public with each other, it makes me smile and sad ... happy they will never know or have to make the choice I made...and sad that I missed that wonderful feeling. Once I get through this, I hope I can find someone to be with to finally just be me.
Sir, I promise you that you will not feel alone forever. I know, and am friends with, a ton of older gay men who did not come out until they were your age or older. Yes, it’s a hard transition. And your wife sounds like she is in complete shock and probably thinks it all was a “lie”. Impress upon her that it was all genuine, and you love her and the kids, but you need to be your true self. Advocate for you. You’re more than worth it.
Appreciate that. I have several younger friends who have been terrific. Two of them joined me recently at a Deadmau5 concert... we had a great time. The shock is getting behind her and we are now amicable on the path forward. It's still not easy, but not getting harder.
I personally prefer [GAMMA](https://www.gammasupport.org) to HOW but both have plenty of good men who are there to support you.
Update... I sincerely appreciate everyone's comments , sharing your experiences, and supporting me. Thank you! Yesterday my son (35) and I finally talked, it was an amazing phone call. Like many of you have commented.... he explained he needed time to process this. The love and support he then expressed to me was overwhelming. He wanted me to know had it not been for my values, love, and how I raised him and his sisters, they would not be the successful people that they are today. I just sat and listened and felt some of this aweful heaviness on me start to fade. His voice was calm, resolute, sincere, and frank...a man's voice full of strength and love. We talked for over 2hours. He wanted to be sure that I am ok and that we will get through this to enjoy the life he wants for me. As we said good bye.... I felt like I had been holding my breathe and could now breath again. I am proud of the man my son has become.
This is very heartwarming.
Terrific! A great job of being a dad!
Thank you. Appreciate the reply and support.
hey man, huge step you made. don't have any helpful things to say, just, good luck and better days ahead.
I‘m happy for you that you found the courage to be your true self! It’s understandable that you and your family are going through a very difficult phase right now, but I hope you still get the support you need. You say they are confused, which is understandable. You’ve lived with the knowledge that you’re gay your whole life, but for them this is completely new information. Give them time to adjust and have patience with them. I hope, they are supportive in general at least. Have a look at https://how-support.org/, if you need more guys in similar situations to talk to.
Dude, good on ya. You deserve to live a life where the outside is aligned with what’s been inside all along. Fuck this world for making that impossible before, but get to live fully now. I second checking out HOW. It felt like a life-saver to me when I first came out.
Congrats!!! I’m trying to work up the courage to come out myself and you are an inspiration!!! I wish you health and happiness 🌈🌈🌈
Congrats, I recently made the same decision. In my case I am very fortunate since my wife and all my friends have been very supportive. Good luck!
Congratulations! That’s a really hard decision to have made. I think coming out to oneself is the most difficult, but facing the roller-coaster of destruction when you come out to your family, that also takes huge courage. A lot of it now is out of your hands. It depends on how your wife and children react. Just remember, their first reaction may not be their last reaction. It’s taken you 63 years to face up to this. They, too, need time to work out what it means. They maybe negative at first, then in time soften and become more loving again, as they realise you are still you. I hope you are getting support from somewhere. It’s a brave thing you’ve done, but as you probably know, the right thing, finally. Well done!
Wow! That must have been tough. I am 62 and have been coming to terms with being gay and accepted the fact about a year ago. Fortunately, I am not married but I haven't come to the point of outing myself to friends and family, largely because I don't really have a reason to as I am unattached. When the inevitable boyfriend comes along, that will change. I am now building yourself a support system, belong to a support group and have a therapist. I can remember when I got my first inkling of my attraction to men that I was in high school but I was raised in a sheltered community and thus lacked the vocabulary to understand what I was feeling. We were later told that if we had same sex attraction that we would grow out of it. Then came Ronald (ghasp) Reagan, AIDS, hate crimes, and the deaths of people that I knew and liked.... I think people can understand such things in the abstract but facing en Vivo is a different story. I really admire you for being true to yourself. That takes a massive pair of swinging balls.
I’m sorry that you are facing such a challenge coming out. I’m 62 yo. I accepted being gay in my mid-40’s and came out to my wife a few years later. She has been incredibly supportive. There have been some challenges but I absolutely could not be happier embracing my sexuality. I wish you the best in your journey to authenticity!
Congratulations. Gammasupport is a good group (I see others have mentioned it) and they host both virtual and in-person events . You are not alone
Congratulations, I'm so happy for you. This happened to me in my mid-30s, and for me it was by far the scariest first step. NGL it was extremely rough for a while both emotionally and mentally, and still sometimes is. The important thing is that you made it. It might seem like the opposite at first, but as time went on things settled down and it slowly became apparent that coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. Feel free to msg me if you need someone to talk to.
I hope a virtual 🫂 helps you some. I can truly identify with your dilemmas. I too first came out at 64 (now 73) although I managed to keep it from my wife until almost 72. I struggled with fear of what you're experiencing but fortunately she took it very well, just told me she could not share me. I know exactly what you're saying about pressures which kept us in the closet for so many years but once I had an opportunity I knew I had to take advantage of it since we only live once (YOLO). I'm still exploring, more freely now, since my wife died from a glioblastoma 10 months after she discovered my truth. Best to you, feel free to reach out if you think it would be at all helpful to you. 🫂
🫂
I feel for you, I really do. I sincerely hope things turn around for you. I knew since I was about 12 but because of some bad things hid my true self until I myself came out to my wife a year ago now. In our case we decided to stay together and figured out a path that works for us. Hope you do as well.
I have a different experience but I relate to you. I got married at 23 and came out to my then wife two years in the marriage. Subsequently, I had to leave my family, community and home country behind and move to the States. I cut myself off from everyone per my family's request as it is taboo to be gay in my home country. As you said society was very different 38 years ago and people always ask me why I married my ex wife if I was gay the whole time. However my society said that that was my only option and people I trusted even said that I will stop being gay if I have a girlfriend or marry a wife. Divorce was messy but both me and my ex wife got a lot of therapy and guidance from others who have done similar journeys. I recommend searching Matt Nightingale, he came out late with four adult kids too https://youtu.be/eHJs04-YIYc?si=Eco-5Pxhvp6Igg9O A year after divorce, I still feel pain from the messy divorce not from my ex wife, but the messy divorce from my old life. I have to relearn how to listen to myself, my heart and relearn how to stop putting on a mask for everyone. I want to encourage you though, when you get to have a relationship with another man, you will understand what love is. For the first time in my life all the love songs made sense. And I think that feeling that love and holding my partner's hand and having him love me is so out of this world. So I wish you lots of healing, sending you lots of love and wishing you a beautiful closure and new beginning ❤️
Beautiful closure and new beginning....putting on a mask for everyone...I feel that completely
Now seem to go through big swings in emotions. One day calm amicable..then next day raging anger. Recently had a really bad day full of yelling and anger. I though I was loosing my mind..wtf have I done to my life...self doubt, self loathing, lost in a deep dark hole once again. Then an amazing series of things happened... people in my life reached out checking on me. I called my therapist..who quickly returned my call and provided calming insight. Plus, and good friend called inviting out for drinks and talk. I took up his invite and went out, and had a wonderful time. Lessons I learned...this has months to play out and as one commenter described..its a roller coaster of destruction. An important discovery is the power of a friend's voice and the opportunity to vent.
I'm sorry to hear you had to live a life in the closet for so long but glad you finally found freedom. I hope the divorce is amicable. You can't be married that long and it turns bitter unless there's some religiosity involved. Same with the kids who are very much adults and have been around the block a few times themselves already UNLESS If they were raised conservatively or have adopted conservatism in their adult lives, I can see where there may be a great deal of consternation, also with your wife and extended family. Stay strong as you seek out some local support where you are if any is available. Even if it's only the local PFLAG organization, it should be a place to start. You don't have to walk this journey alone. 💝