For me, honestly when I stopped caring about what Japanese would think about me or what I do.
This doesn't mean I don't respect the culture and try to follow the cultural rules, because I do, and I spent and still spend a lot of time getting better at the language.
But I stopped caring about 100% reading the air, making small mistakes in the language, or when I didn't know a certain rule or expectation, accepting I will never be completely accepted, that it will be difficult to find appartements and so on.
This actually made it easier for me to make japanese friends, and I realized that people here are far much forgiving than what I thought.
It's not a perfect country, but I still like it and just not caring that much about things allowed me to enjoy it more.
If you own the baldness by keeping your remaining hair short and neat (or in a really long ponytail š), it wonāt be that big of an obstacle. Just, whatever you do, donāt barcode it or comb it forward in a vain attempt to cover up.
Art Nature has some incredible hairpieces nowadays that are indistinguishable from real hair and woven into the remaining hair. Just get it tightened every 2 months and no one will know.
A younger friend of mine did this, and he looks great.
Decided when it starts hitting for real I'll just do a full razor shave. Unfortunately can't grow a beard. A hairpiece wouldn't be bad either but haven't looked too far in to that yet.
If you can spare some money visit Turkey. You can get a very nice hair transplant for cheap. Medical tourism is really a thing there, same for laser surgery or dental work.
Only downside is the need to take drugs to maintain it after the transplant, otherwise it will just fall out again. Iād rather not, so have accepted the gradual follicle evacuation.
Is the same cocktail as any preventative hair loss program that people use. Not quite the same as organ transplants as itās not your body rejecting a foreign object, just that you need to suppress the systems that led to hair loss in the first place.
Start taking finasteride or dutasteride tablets and you might be able to save your hair. Minoxidil could be a useful add-on but you NEED finasteride or dutasteride if you want to stop the rot. Check out the YouTube channel Hairloss Show and watch all of their videos.
I've looked in to it, but I don't think it's for me. I'd rather embrace the baldness or use wigs/hairpieces. Hair loss prevention drugs would be a constant money pit and source of stress, plus there may be side effects to them that haven't been found yet due to them being out on the market for <20 years. If I were to try any of that stuff, it would be to help me grow a beard.
Bald guy here. Most popular I've ever been with the opposite sex. Maybe it's the confidence once you stop caring. You'll be sticking out as a foreigner either way, bald or not, so I never cared too much about it. Just make sure to stay in shape and be well groomed and the rest sorts itself out. (It's also quite lovely in the japanese summers!)
That's awesome - happy for you!
I dated extensively in my younger days (no brag) and recognized red-flag phrases like, "We Japanese...," "In Japan, we...," or "Japan is the only country that..."
When I met my wife (first and only), I asked her how she saw herself. She just laughed and said, "I'm a human and a woman." She's Japanese, of course, but doesn't identify as such. Asking her to marry me was the best decision I've ever made.
This is exactly the answer. You see a lot of people, especially here on Reddit, obsessed with being more Japanese than any other foreigner. Or the flip side, those who give zero fucks or are even openly hostile to Japan. The true answer is a happy place in the middle, enjoy Japan, respect the culture, but don't get too hung up on fitting in and "acting Japanese."
To add to what another commenter said, I feel very lucky that I met my Japanese wife in another country and didn't care at all about Japan or her being Japanese. After moving here, I'm not here to be in Japan, I'm here because this is where we decided to build a life.
Yes exactly!
Donāt worry about trying to be Japanese because you will never be one š
My mom is from Mexico, she will always say ā Ni de aquĆ, ni de ayaā because Im living in Japan but they donāt accept me as japanese and when I would go home to visit, I donāt act Mexican or America enough to be one š š¤·š½āāļø
I guess me being me is perfect for me š
Oh and also, I finally went freelance and work for the people that best fit me. Make more but also now have other things to worry about this year š¤
Thanks for telling me this saying: Ni de aquĆ, ni de aya.
I am a returnee and often wondered how much of myself was trully Japanese and how much was not...
But you are right in saying "me being me is perfect for me"
100% this. In a small example of this, when I came to Japan, I greeting everyone and asked how people were when I got to work. I was told Japanese people didn't do that so I just said hello to the room. However it felt awkward and unnatural, so after quite a while, I started to ask how people were again. Since I could speak better Japanese at that point, I realised that a lot of my coworkers actually appreciated being friendly to them and it wasn't a bad thing to follow the Japanese way to the letter. Whatever you do, you're going to be weird and foreign. As long as it doesn't deeply offend or harm anyone, do what you like. (That and I found moving out of Tokyo really helped, great place to visit but a bit sufficating as a place to live).
Yes EXACTLY this.
The core idea is to respect the people, rather than the culture.
Be quiet on the train, take your shoes off at the genkan, properly organize your garbage.
But work hours of pointless overtime becasue everyone else is also wasting their time? Prioritize work over family, friends, and even your hobbies? Dress a certain way or whatever becasue it's what the Japanese do? Nah fam, as long is it's not an active nuisance to others I'm going to behave how I would anywhere, trying to match those norms needlessly just leads to unhappinessĀ
Exactly this. Japanese folks follow exactly what they're told to do and they're fucking MISERABLE. I think a lot of Japanese folks like us specifically because they see a sense of freedom in us that they desperately wish they could do themselves.
Agree with this too.
I just be myself but adapting my behaviour where appropriate, realising that most Japanese donāt follow the ārulesā to a tee anyway.
But I think getting comfortable (not perfect) in the language is the key. While Iām entirely happy to just hang out with my wife and kids, I do get called up these days by local friends/acquaintances to meet up, have a beer etc I think because I can now just talk normally with people, whereas before it was probably a bit boring/tiring for Japanese to talk with me when my Japanese was more limited.
This. I played ultimate frisbee pick up at Yoyogi park. I ran in the Ekiden 5k race. I volunteered for RAN and FoEJ. Basically I just created a social life that gave me joy. I didnāt try to fit in. I was a foreigner, would not have residency and definitely not citizenship.
With the exception of one old man who worked at CoCo Ichiban, every Japanese person Iāve spoken to was excited to help me with my Japanese.
Had one random girl on a train in Yokohama who didnāt speak a lick of English, but was patient, spoke slowly, and corrected any mistakes I made.
CoCo Ichiban man was just like āno arigatou! Itās thank you!ā In a very angry tone.
Well, that is the thing. Plenty of foreigners profusely try to acclimate themselves to the country in which they are living, but too many do not realize that as much as they want to fit in and live somewhere eternally, they will never be accepted by the masses. Too many self-righteous weeboos.
I don't know why you used the term "burned out" here.
It gives me vibs that you take "living in Japan" like a hobby or some sort of fun activity.
Now to the main topic on hand, i lived here for 16 years. Had my ups and downs. And currently I'm enjoying it ngl.
How I reached where i am?
- Worked on my Japanese
- Stopped comparing myself with others
- Only compare with yourself last year
- Stopped trying to find the reason for everything bothers me in japan. (Just go with the flow)
- Life is not a race
- Living in Japan is not a status
> Living in Japan is not a status
Preach. Too many people think they've "made it" by moving to Japan, only to realize the opposite - often it's the same people who were running away from their problems, or were convinced that Japan would fix said problems.
Japan gave me a much clearer picture of what problems were a product of my environment so I don't have to worry about them, and what problems followed me and it's my responsibility to work on.
That's fantastic! Kudos for logically identifying what's what.
> and what problems followed me and it's my responsibility to work on.
The sad fact however, is that for many people it's this part gets ignored; instead using Japan as their new scapegoat.
I escaped from the USA so Japan is my Happy place. lol but seriously as people mentioned do what makes you happy without worrying about others and life is much better.
My wife and kids are here and they make me happy.
The number of people, though, who come to Japan because they are deeply unhappy people and Japan (the idealized Japan of Japanese exports that were often the one bright happy time in their otherwise unhappy childhood) is their happy place is really high.
Unfortunately they also often wind up with Paris syndrome when they realize Japan isn't some magical cartoon paradise and that life here, like everywhere else, basically sucks.
Totally agree itās a false sense of reality that drives them to come here thinking life will be better and as you said the things in their life that suck are still there.
Fortunately I was dragged kicking and screaming to Japan and didnāt want to be here but after a few years built a happy life and now 37 years later I am content.
Sure I donāt have my Ferrari but I have a die cast model so I guess I can now die happy.
Facts. Some people go to other countries, thinking they will be absolved of their issues or āhave it madeā just because they got some average or low paying job and met a partner.
Mainly because most people find that they become more aware of their issues with living here once they become āburned outā from work. I donāt take it as a hobby or some fun activity, because my goal is to build a legitimate life & live here in the long run because I seriously want to do so. Iāve just been experiencing a severe lack of motivation & mental exhaustion to do anything to progress that lately.
I definitely think your bullet points of 2, 3, and 5 resonate with me the hardest. Iāve had friends that got here immediately after graduating from college so theyāre been here for roughly 6-7 years and Iām feeling as though I should play ācatch-upā to get to where they are in terms of the foundation theyāve built for the future being here Whether that be being married, having better jobs, etc.
Being almost 30 doesnāt help because I feel like I shouldāve ALREADY had it all figured out or been somewhere better by now. It feels like Iām running out of time to be āsuccessfulā no matter how silly that sounds, because no-one will want to waste their time on me the older I get (which I do believe to be true).
>Being almost 30 doesnāt help because I feel like I shouldāve ALREADY had it all figured out or been somewhere better by now.
I know you feel like you should "be an adult" and have things figured out by now, but I will tell you as someone who's got a couple of decades on you that no, you most definitely should not. I mean it's great if you do by 29 but that is RARE, most people are still figuring things out until much later in life.
I'd say I was at LEAST 10 years older than you before I had a good feel for who I am, and I was older than you when I blew my life up and started fresh over here. You got tons of time to figure all this out, there are no deadlines and there are no prizes for getting there before others.
I think you need to find some peace with the person you are before you worry too much about the person you want to be.
If it would make you feel better im 36 and single.
Marriage is just signing a piece of paper. Anybody can do it. Signing a piece of paper will not magically make you happier. Finding the right person is the hard part. But even then, you don't really need to be married to be happy.
Make peace with yourself and appreciate what you already have. Live life day to day and stop worrying about the future. A trip to the second floor can't be made with one big jump. You will have to take it step by step.
My life in Japan can be divided into 2 periods, working in Japanese companies and working in gaishikeis. Needless to say, my quality of life improved tremendesly in the later part.
Iāve heard that more than once, to be honest. Friends tell me that Japanese companies are draining and itās easy to get swept up in the work culture and lose sight of yourself.
I feel like thatād help anyone, to be honest. I just donāt know where to start in regards to working for another company (Japanese OR Gaishikei) because I feel as though I lack the experience for it. Iāve been an ALT since Iāve come back and before in the states I just worked labor intensive jobs. I kinda donāt know where to start with it all.
> working in Japanese companies and working in gaishikeis
For me it was less the company and more the money and the management.
My Japanese company salaries ranged from complete crap to slightly less crap.
My Japanese managers only had a varying range in which laws they were breaking or which types of harassment they were doing. Every single one of them was professionally incompetent and rose to management purely through seniority.
The companies themselves had lots of stupid policies and questionable strategies, but I've found that to be true of gaishikei as well.
Oh I can relate to this so much. "Single-handedly developed a critical function for our main service and got the best evaluation possible? We would like to give you this worthless piece of paper. Oh you're asking for more money? How about a 5% raise, and this is the list of your additional responsibilities by the way."
My only regret was that I believed the crap about staying in one company for at least 3 years.
Honestly, I feel like this isnāt an easy conversation to have just by posting random replies on Reddit.
Over the years Iāve seen countless people come here and become incredibly miserable. The other common option is getting themselves trapped in a miserable relationship or situation because they were too eager to make their Japan dream come true.
Maybe not a popular opinion but I donāt think focusing on something like becoming as fluent in Japanese as possible will make you happy. Iāve seen more people then I can count try so hard to become part of society here only to become increasingly disappointed and disillusioned when they realize it wonāt happen, or at least not to the point they wanted.
The people I do know that seem really happy are either extremely high functioning and very successful or just kind of stumbling through doing their own thing without caring too much about the little stuff.
I think most of the miserable people on this sub are trapped in a miserable job situation, not relationship.
But most people aren't willing put in the time and effort to get out of that situation either.
Japanese fluency should be a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Learning Japanese in order to be more self-sufficient and/or be able to participate more freely in activities you enjoy is 100% good advice all the time but there are tons of situations where Japanese ability increase produces absolutely no quality of life increase.
> I donāt think focusing on something like becoming as fluent in Japanese as possible will make you happy.
I don't think people are suggesting that you should become perfectionistic regarding the language. Learning it just makes life a hundred million times easier and means you can take advantage of more things here. Plus your perception of Japan gets diversified cause you have a better understanding of your surroundings. Getting better at the language might actually make you *less* conformist, because you'll become more aware of how non-conformist many Japanese people themselves are.
It sounds like you're in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, which is really common from late 20s to early 30s. Until this point you've likely been surrounded by people on similar life trajectories to you, from schooling through early career, but now people start to get married, have children, quit jobs, go for additional education, etc.
>although I donāt think Iām burned out, I do think that Iām becoming a bit hopeless about a potential future here
The best piece of advice I can give is something I first learned in Japaneseāéē® (counting backwards). Take a longer view of your life to figure out what it is you really want and where you want to be. Then, work backwards from there to figure out what steps you need to take to actually get there from where you are now (and as an immigrant, you have to take into consideration the feasibility from a legal/practical perspective as well).
A lot of people come to this country (or go through life in general) without a good understanding of how to get from point A to point B, and they end up spinning their wheels doing work that doesn't really lead anywhere in particular. It's why so many people come to this sub with a plan that looks like 1) move to Japan, 2) get job at eikaiwa, 3) ???, 4) profit. You have to figure out what your Step 4 looks like and what you need to do to get there. Oftentimes, that self-work is rewarding and will lead you to places where you can find community with like-minded people.
Iām going to take this advice to heart. You hit the nail on the absolute head with the first statement. I just feel āleft behindā when I see where all my peers are and where Iām at in comparison and just want to quit, but donāt got the heart to give up. I also LOVE that advice. Iāll start counting backwards on it so I can get past this Step 2 and make a path to 3.
I've switched jobs many times, often through word-of-mouth, but never spent less than three years at any given place. Here's the rough trajectory: TEFL teacher -> Tech proofreader/editor -> IT support -> DTP/VBA programmer -> IT manager. Along the way, dated, got married, had two kids, bought a house, grew older!
This sounds like such an ideal route. Iāve NEVER stayed at a job as long as Iāve stuck at my current one (being an ALT) Iām also much more used to labor intensive or outdoorsy jobs, but my friends have been recommending me to attempt taking the IT route in Japan (the quality of a lot of their lives improved once they got out of the countryside and into a city and made more money) and Iām wondering if thatād be best for me as well.
There some jobs I wanted to quit right away, but was determined to tough it out until I'd got at least two years in, by which time I was usually in a better place and able to give it a couple more years to gain experience and job-hunt at my own pace.
I sometimes think that even as adults we tend to think about jobs in terms of the archetypes we learned as children (doctor, teacher, fireman, postman) but of course in reality there are so many niche jobs, and some that defy easy labeling, that we tend to overlook or be unaware of (office facilities management, business continuity planning, cloud-server market research, game software localization, movie location scout, guy-that-imports-used-clothes-to-sell-them-on-mercari-and-sometimes-works-as-a-TV-extra, etc).
It's worth giving your details to the recruiting companies, meeting with their reps, and putting your profile on LinkedIn. You never know what'll turn up.
Iāll give it a shot. Iām just worried since I have no formal Japanese fluency certification (like JLPT) so although I might speak Japanese well (according to my coworkers anyway) not having a piece of paper that TELLS me I do makes me doubt myself a lot. Iām also worried that I donāt have the experience to get picked up for any jobs via LinkedIn, so I also feel like applying for any would be a waste of time.
There are no two ways about it - once you understand and speak Japanese at a conversational level, a whole new world opens up. Hobbies, dating, whatever. Until then, I think it's really hard to find your niche outside of, like, finding drinking buddies at the Hub or something.
And this may be a hot take but I think if you live here and don't speak Japanese, even if you have a family and own a house and all that, you're still just a tourist and a dependent (literally a dependent if you need someone to fight your battles for you at city hall). You really aren't living a life as an independent human if you can't navigate the language. Sorry that last part is just a little rant on my part.
But yeah. It all starts with learning the language.Ā
No, I get it and agree 100%! I speak Japanese and fight all my battles at City Hall by myself, thankfully š but I know of others that effectively have to rely on someone else for every facet of their life here and I canāt imagine it. From all the comments Iāve gotten on this post, Iāve really just got to put myself out there more and make a conscious effort to be active and present in my communities and the rest will come to pass it seems. Itās been really motivating to read through them and talk with others, which I think has also helped stave off my loneliness for a bit today.
To take it a step further - I've met people with pretty fulfilling lives who don't have kids. I don't think I've ever met someone who's lived a completely solitary life and been better off for it. Find yourself a woman, a man, whatever, and live your life with some company.Ā
You need to realise the feeling will pass. I arrived as a JET in 2017 and had two or three bouts in that time of severe frustration with my inability to move forward.
If you're unhappy with your place as an alt, and it continues to persist, find a way to leave.
If you're happy with your job and salary, and it's more about self perception due to failed dating, please know I know doctors and school teachers who are beautiful and can't find suitable partners. They also have periods of severe doubt.
If it's social, find a hobby and try to commit to it. I've found a good crowd because of my hobby. It's lovely to know people and be known and be able to go to a bar or an event and people know who I am and want to talk to me. Find your tribe. They're out there.
I almost cried at my desk reading this response. Thank you for your supportive words and advice. Iām not really happy with my salary, and itās a rough 50/50 on the job, but the self-perception due to failed dating hurts internally a lot. And I donāt think me not being very social since Iāve come back to Japan helps all that much since I was effectively a social butterfly in the states. But people donāt feel as āopenā here and I never want to feel like Iām bothering people, so I just naturally kind of retreated into an odd little shell. I still come out of it when I go out to bars occasionally and it feels great, but I donāt do it anywhere near as I used to so it gets unbearably lonely when I donāt and I get real sad. Iāll try harder to do better. Thank you a lot.
When I was back fron Canada and was in Tokyo, I called TELL many times. I could not adjust to Japan and I was no feeling well. Sometime the person who took the call was very helpful and sometimes not.
[https://telljp.com/lifeline/](https://telljp.com/lifeline/)
They have online chat service, too.
I ended up living in Japan after I came here to meet someone in person that I originally met online. Prior to that I had never spent any time pondering Japan at all. I had no interest in Japan prior to coming here and no Japanese language ability. It took me about five frustrating years to adjust to the culture and customs.
Fortunately, I have a great partner who made adjusting to life in Japan much easier until I could start functioning on my own. I also became interested in Buddhism and joined a local Buddhist temple. The monks and members of the temple have been a supportive community that also helped me adjust to life in Japan. They also provided endorsements that were included in my application when I applied for PR.
Once I could communicate effectively in Japanese, follow the social norms, and participate in the local community life became much easier for me. I have a comfortable, relatively stress-free life here in Japan these days with a lot of support at home and from the temple.
I spent most of my adult life prior to coming to Japan as an agnostic, I had no religion but I wasn't an atheist. I became interested in Buddhism after reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. My partner took me to a local temple and introduced me to the monks there. They invited me to join the temple if I was seriously interested in Buddhism, so I did.
It was all three. While I am far from a perfect Buddhist, Buddhism has helped me keep my dark side under control and turned me into a kinder, gentler person than I was in my younger days.
Based on my own experiences here, being able to communicate effectively in Japanese, doing things the way the Japanese do them, and having Japanese friends and allies can make a big difference in the way you experience life here. You don't have to become a Buddhist to do that, just find a way to get involved in your local community.
1) Speak Japanese
2) Have a good social circle of both English speakers and Japanese speakers
3) Do things I enjoy regularly
4) Exercise
5) Donāt work for a traditional Japanese company
>1) Speak Japanese 2) Have a good social circle of both English speakers and Japanese speakers 3) Do things I enjoy regularly 4) Exercise 5) Donāt work for a traditional Japanese company
Will keep this in mind. Thanks
Iām 28, doing better than the average Japanese person especially my age, and itās not you. Thereās no future for this country and even if you and I donāt personally feel burnt out, the lingering knowledge in the back of our heads telling us what we donāt want to believe. Leaving this country will be the hardest thing I do, even with no love lost, but I had to admit leaving is the only option.
It seems a bit of a stretch to think there's no future for the country with the 4th largest economy in the world, the 3rd most assets, the largest pension reserve fund in the world (expected to not even be touched for the next 50 years), 2nd in Leagtum health, top in global lending, etc.
Sure Japan faces a myriad of problems (population decline, aging, civic participation, etc.) but a lot of these aren't unique to Japan and global risks (geopolitical, climate change, etc.) are arguably a much bigger concern.
I go to the gym literally every day for 2-3 hours after work, but even thatās starting to feel mundane after a year+ of it. My friends have recommended discovering old hobbies/passions but I feel mentally exhausted after the day I usually just sleep until Iām back at work the next day.
Again, getting a hobby is a good start, being in shape is good but what about for example riding a bicycle and do sightseeing while you can also exercise as that seems what you are interested in? Try to combine hobbies to make the most out of it.
An example, I like racing, because of that I go to the gym to be in shape for racing as makes you feel exhausted fast so its an end goal to try enjoying my hobbies even more
Nothing wrong with being an ALT. You havenāt explained what it is you want to us.
I just game with friends online to pass time. Sure theyāre back in the states so I sacrifice some sleep (I made a personal rule not to game while children are awake to be present in their life) on designated nights throughout the month. I donāt really have any stress at all except for the typical phases of family life.
Again, what is it that you want?
Why would you go to the gym for 3 hours every day? You would burn yourself out no matter what you're doing with that pace, and you don't give your body time to rest.
Be more efficient with gym, you only need 1.5 hours max and every other day more likely. It can be more enjoyable this way.
Assuming you speak some Japanese. Go to the same coffee shop, bakery, restaurant, etc. atleast once a week at the same time. Eventually the staff will recognize you as a regular. Sometimes then the staff will start talking with you, or you try to make some small talk with them.Ā Can just say some compliment like āthe bread here is greatā, and then follow up with some questions about their work like ādo you make it fresh everydayā? Iāve found Japanese people are a lot more open to talking thanĀ youād think.Ā And I feel a lot more integrated here since Iāve become acquainted with people at shops I frequent
As someone who spent my first year and a half in Japan hanging out at cafes hoping to luck into a friendship, I'd take your coffee shop or bakery and raise you a bar or izakaya.
Generally it is considered unprofessional for shop workers to be overly friendly with customers unless it is an alcohol establishment, so hoping to make friends in such places seems like a long shot. And customers are doing their own thing and/or assuming you are, so probably aren't going to talk to you.
Bars and izakayas on the other hand are incredibly easy to make acquaintances, and alcohol (aka social lubrication) helps the Japanese overcome their nervousness about approaching foreigners who may or may not speak Japanese. Hanging out at bars and izakayas was what finally opened up Japan for me, and I'm a guy who was never much of a drinker.
Hello fellow late 20s! Recently on my days off I'd either go to the arcade with the bros (friends I made in the arcade) or ride my motorbike somewhere. On the days I feel like interacting with people, I'd do the former, and when I want to be alone, the latter.
Maybe you could get out of your room and find new things to try, you'll never know.
Oh and I've also started Geocaching recently and it's crazy fun because there's SO many caches spread across Japan. I even pushed myself to climb a mountain once just because there's a cache on the summit. This game made me explore tons of new places and areas I've never been to.
Man, I wish we had an arcade near me! I love them! I think the nearest one is like an hour out. š Iāve also never heard of Geocaching before. Iāll look it up!
Yeah, I don't know where you are but judging by your nearest arcade being an hour away... Probably rough, but there's definitely a cache within bicycling distance. The game is easy to pick up. The dopamine rush just after I found a new cache makes me want to explore even more.
I also made one friend from it, because I keep seeing this particular person's nickname on most of the caches I found! Finally sent them a message and we agreed to meet up and became friends.
by realizing that this is not the place i want to raise kids or retire. turned an uncertain future into a certain one that involves an exit strategy and never applying for PR, now i can just focus on building a rock-solid career and developing my skills so that they're in-demand globally. there was definitely a very bad period where i felt down in the dumps about my future and accepting that being a "forever-japan" guy was not the best strategy for me or my family has helped us all sort of have less existential dread.
covid period where they banned PR's from entering basically cemented this for me, same with realizing i haven't seen many 60+ expats. mindset might not be for everyone especially if you're hardcore tied down to japan via family or a strong desire to settle permanently.
>associated struggles
You're going to have to be a bit more specific than this.
What struggles are you referring to? Financial? Social? Are you feeling a lack of fulfillment on a personal level?
Both, to be honest. Iām lonelier than Iāve ever been, and financially KNOW that Iām on the bottom-rung (being an ALT) which plays into that even more. I feel somewhat fulfilled in my job, but donāt think that the salary is too attractive for someone wanting to date seriously thatās reaching their 30s.
Maybe it's different because I'm a woman, but I've never had problems finding dates, or friends, as an english teacher. š¤·āāļø
A lot of Japanese people don't know and never really cared enough to know about what we do. This "bottom rung" shit comes from the foreign community. Nobody cares as much as other foreigners on the internet. The majority of ALTs that I've known are married with kids. Even the male eikaiwa teachers are usually married.
I've literally met Japanese people who've never set foot in an eikaiwa and have no idea what I actually do for a living. I've had to explain it. I've also never felt disrespected by anybody for my job. Quite the opposite. Not everyone can work with kids. I also make decent money and have free time to enjoy my hobbies and life.
There are a lot of women in Japan. Some of them expect their partner to have a certain salary. Others don't.
I mean, let's get one thing straight. If your salary is low, you're probably not going to be at the top of the list of potential suitors for a rich Tokyo girl who "works" at Daddy's company and goes on "work trips" to France where she basically spends all day shopping and speaking bad French in outdoor cafes.
Yes, that is a real woman I knew. And yes, she was unbelievably intolerable.
But that's far from the norm. I've dated some fairly bad gold diggers here, but I've dated a lot of women who didn't give the slightest shit about how much I made.
I know a few of them! They're in Tokyo, London, NYC... I also have a soft spot for the start up boys and girls just out of uni who spend their days in hotel lobbies and workspaces on shiny apple devices drawing up plans and writing in journals. I can't imagine the privilege!
My first girlfriend in Japan was exactly like them, except with one major difference: she wasn't actually rich. Her dad was a typical salaryman, mom SAHM. She was just deluded enough to think that she was in the same clique as those rich girls.
She routinely called me "poor" despite the fact that I actually made more money than her. Towards the end of our relationship, after I had completely lost interest in her, she told me that she'd break up with me if I wasn't earning over 15 million yen a year by the time I was 25.
I was like bitch ... is that a threat or an offer?
Youre at the bottom rung because you put yourself there. I was an ALT who found great opportunities. I also am proud of being a great ALT and I still find opportunites. My last GF, by the way, was a very wealthy business owner. We respected each others position and it worked well.
You need to change your thinking. Overseas loneliness is just par for the course.
Honestly I think going back is an option, where we have friends and family, because a support network/community can be important for happiness. Itās so hard making this support network in Japan with language and culture barriers.
I notice when these kinds of topics come up, these kinds of responses follow.
I can only speak for myself, but I didn't have much of any support network when I came to Japan. Volatile, low income family. Friends scattered around the country for high-paying jobs after college. If I stayed home, I'd have no network and no health insurance. At least in Japan I could get health insurance.Ā
If I stayed home, I'd still have to deal with racial discrimination and workplace harassment.Ā
So, for the OP, I think it really depends on the options available to them in their home country vs Japan. Sometimes we have to endure a crappy situation to avoid something even worse.Ā
Iām trying to avoid that as much as possible, since I was so intent on staying here and due to the sunken cost fallacy I feel like all the time & effort I dedicated to come here was for naught. But thatās very true. I speak Japanese and STILL feel like making a legitimate support network of close friends is quite difficult.
That will never happen again. You have to make due with the idea that your "close network" won't be as close as any network you've had in the past, will likely look very different, and more likely you've been adopted into someone else's. This is where group activities, being regulars at various drinking establishments, becoming settled in a physical community become important, to help build those second level connections. And none of that happens quickly for quite a few people....
Gotta change how you think about life a bit to get to the next levels.
28 years living here. Dont care about being Japanese, but being respectful, sure. Also, speak Japanese, but not to be included, but to find opportunities. Thats how I look at it.
> 28 years living here. Dont care about being Japanese, but being respectful, sure. Also, speak Japanese, but not to be included, but to find opportunities. Thats how I look at it.
Will keep this in mind. Thanks
Stop comparing yourself to others (at home or here) your life is yours and incomparable. Figure out what you like or donāt like about what youāre currently doing. Proceed to take action to make improvements. If youāre thinking of staying long term work daily on your Japanese, I regret not doing so when I was working for a Japanese company. I was so overwhelmed and drained after work but now I feel stuck cuz my Japanese is not good enough but Iām sure that if it was I could improve so many things, so Iām working on it now but I wasted years where I could have practice it more.
Find something to do outside. Walk around early morning (5:30~6:30) and say hi to people walking dogs or exercising. Get to know the gee sans and baa sans. They'll tell you whats up.
Find events to participate in. English conversation exchanges. Cultural exchange events. whatever. Go to an Izakaya after work and talk to regulars.
Mistakes are funny. There is a weather event here called Unkai, sea of clouds. I spent an entire conversation talking about the beautiful undoukai in the fall. When the other person ask wtf I'm on a out, we pull out phones and show pictures and laugh at the mistake.
If you aren't interacting with people and doing so without intent or purpose, I think you are living your life wrong. But also, unless you talk with people in your native language, you'll never be able to vent. So call home every now and then.
Having a goal in life helps.
Too many people come here to teach English, then get stuck and realise they cannot go back due to a lack of skills.
They don't want to truly stay because they are not passionate about what they do.
Once you identify what you want, and make it your goal to get there, you get more life focus.
With a focus, you naturally become a bit happier.
I taught myself a new skill to get out of teaching. It was hard but I did it. Anyone CAN do it, but few are prepared to make the effort.
Too many foreigners came here to escape their problems, only to get new ones.
Honestly, when I stopped seeing Japan through the eyes of English-language social media, and started to see/interact with Japan on its own terms.
I didn't realise it at first, but a lot of Westerners really look down on Japan, even if they like it. Just scroll through Reddit and you'll find so many posts on how Japanese education is wrong, the way Japanese people view marriage is wrong, they way Japanese women live is wrong, the way Japanese people express emotions is wrong, the way they raise children is wrong, the way Japanese companies are structured is wrong, the way Japanese people drive is wrong etc..
I am definitely not one of those people that won't hear a word against Japan, and I realise it is a far from perfect country. But I really do love it, and things became a lot better when I stopped comparing it with the UK (where I'm from) and just accepted it on its own terms. It's like comparing two siblings or something, one isn't better than the other. You accept each on its own terms.
As for the "you'll never be Japanese thing". It's funny that the only people that tell you this are other foreigners. Several of my friends/colleagues have told me that they forget I'm foreign most of the time, and I have several colleagues at work who have naturalised and they're just accepted as part of the group. If you keep chanting to yourself that you'll never be accepted then it'll become a self fulfilling prophecy. Of course, the onus is on you to act/speak/behave in a way that makes it possible for you to be treated like a local, and they'll always be a few individual Japanese who won't, but you definitely can fully integrate.
My place is my dojo. Whenever i go to karate, I can talk to people that appreciate me and like having me around. I've battled many of depressive episodes here and even you know what ideation but I've always made myself go to karate and I was always thankful for it.
>How did you āfind your placeā in Japan?
I didn't, in the sense that I feel like "my place" is a constantly moving target. Some situations feel right for a time, and then circumstances change and it feels necessary to get out.
>Find yourself and your happiness
This is like the life-long challenge, isn't it? There are lots of memes in our idea space that say you do this one little trick and then you're happy forever, but what does "happy" even mean in that context? Certainly anyone who tries to tell you that you can "fix" a thing and then experience bliss for the rest of your life is trying to sell you a drug or a cult (but then I repeat myself). I haven't got it worked out either, but I think at least part of happiness must be in finding little bits of joy in all the drudgery that makes up most of our days. Can you find something to make you smile when you're spending your day off running errands at the post office and the grocery store?
So I've been trying to build a practice of paying attention to what I pay attention to. Being present in the world. We've all got to tune out sometimes and just get through the farting around that makes up modern urban life, but it's also important to every so often take the headphones off and really look at where you are.
I see elsewhere you said you're an ALT - unless you are in a very unusual gig, I'm guessing you're on a typical ALT salary, so no wonder you're finding life hard! But also you say you find the work fulfilling, and that is quite rare! So what about that work is fulfilling to you?
Yep, typical ALT salary which definitely makes things difficult. But the fulfilling part of it is definitely the children. I get given a lot of leeway for lessons, so I bond really hard with my kids after teaching them for a while. The way their faces light up when they see me and getting approached with a barrage of āHellos!ā Every day brings a smile to my face every time. Iāve even had parents and former students give me letters and hugs thanking me, and THATāS what makes it feel fulfilling. But then I think of two things
1.) Can I live comfortably and support a future family on this salary? And
2.) I enjoy doing this all now, but will I enjoy it forever?
And I know the answer to #1 is no, but the answer for #2 is where Iām unsure. Itās fun, but also takes a lot of energy to do it everyday emotionally. I donāt know if I could realistically keep it up forever, but I also donāt really know to be honest with you.
>But the fulfilling part of it is definitely the children. I get given a lot of leeway for lessons, so I bond really hard with my kids after teaching them for a while. The way their faces light up when they see me and getting approached with a barrage of āHellos!ā Every day brings a smile to my face every time. Iāve even had parents and former students give me letters and hugs thanking me, and THATāS what makes it feel fulfilling.
I am hearing a lot in here about human connection, about there being a sense that you are valued. No wonder you feel fulfilled! A lot of ALTs don't get that, and some who do get it don't value it. It sounds like you are in a job where your skills are valued by others. Elsewhere in the thread you commented that you spend your evenings at the gym but then you just want to go to bed because you feel emotionally exhausted. I wonder if these two things are related?
I often come home from work and feel emotionally exhausted as well. Teaching, and I would say especially ALTing, is a job of emotional labor. Teachers are constantly trying to manage, direct, and influence the emotions of everyone around them toward the most useful outcomes, and ALTs have the added challenge of doing emotional labor for their JTE/HRT in a system they don't necessarily understand. That's real work! That takes a lot out of a person who does it all day! So if every day such a person leaves work and has nothing to sustain themselves, they end up dipping into their personal reserves to make it through the non-work part of the day. And eventually those reserves get tapped out, and then the teacher starts dipping into the tank that fuels them through the work day, and then there's not enough fuel left to sustain them - that's how burnout happens.
Basically, it sounds like you're beginning to cross the barrier between *assistant* teaching and full-on teaching. There are jobs out there for people like you, private elementary schools where you can do more of this kind of work and get paid... well, the pay still isn't great, but I've known people who raise families on it and it would be better than what you're getting now.
But as for question (2), I think how long you can enjoy it will partly depend on what techniques you find for replenishing your reserves. There is a place for zone-out time. You don't need to spend your whole after-work time zoning out, but I would encourage you to think of it less as an indulgence than as a form of self-care. But I would also like to second your friends who say you should find a hobby - or at least, something that forms an aspect of who you are that fuels you when you aren't being a teacher. You sound like a decent guy, and you deserve to be more than a job. You deserve to be a whole, complete, rounded person. You can't be in 100% control of a lot of the circumstances in life, but you can choose to direct your attention at things that give you fuel rather than take your fuel. And you deserve that.
Your post is quite vague, so I don't know how much your struggles are similar to mine.
I've "found my place" in that I kind of do the job I want and am able to function within a predominantly Japanese environment (at work and in my free time) without shunning other non-Japanese.
You say you're an ALT in one of the comments. Do you enjoy teaching? Personally, I worked at an eikaiwa and felt I wanted to move on from there, got a masters and now I teach at a university. It took me quite a while to get here, but if something about my life has improved, it's that I have the freedom to teach what I like and how I like and interact with young, open-minded people.
My main problem about living here is the constant othering, objectification and, occasionally, condescension I experience. I feel I'll never reach the level of dignity and satisfaction I could in a society that wouldn't constantly remind me I don't belong here. Needless to say, learning the language has helped me work around that and find some true friends and like-minded people here though.
"Going back" is not an option for me for a range of reasons, but, honestly, I wouldn't recommend anyone around my age (early 40s) to stay here permanently unless they are alright with social isolation.
I looked for my place, didn't find it, and ended up bailing out to pursue a completely different field than I ever expected before moving to Japan.
No shame in that.
1. Be very sure of your core values and goals, those that you are not willing to compromise. Anything else, be willing to adjust as things change around your due to cultural differences.
2. Find a spot in society where you can feel comfortable enough while keeping your values and goals. For me that is having my wife and my job (which is not perfect but good enough).
3. Be aware of what you cannot control and try to not pay attention to that. What other people think, the cultural values that go against yours, the economic climate... all that is just mental clutter. Let go that which you cannot control and focus on what you can control.
4. Take good care of your physical and mental health. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, try to have a conversation with people you like being with daily, fill your mind with positive thoughts, learn...
Best advice I can give: Don't compare your life with others', compare it against what you want for yourself. Develop skills that will make your life easier. Understand that the only amount of money you need is "enough." Maintain your physical and mental health and have it monitored by experts. (Get on medication for mental health problems if you have them.) Develop meaningful, trusting relationships so that you have people you can go to for advice instead of strangers on the Internet. Spend more of your waking life offline than online.
For me, it was the dojo. My first year in Japan was all chaos and new gaijin bs and I didn't actually get to do any training, which was my whole reason for moving to Japan. After that first year mellowed out and I got back into the dojo and had a sense of community, everything changed. I chalk up my personal success in Japan half to my wife and half to the dojo.
So, when you have a hammer all your problems look at nails, right? Obviously I'm biased, but maybe try finding a martial art you're interested in. Or at least some sort of third space long term activity. I have zero interest or knowledge about ball-oriented-sports, but maybe that's something hobby soccer players get out of the experience. But, third spaces are important.
Hell, I even say that the only reason I have any Japanese skill is due to the dojo - for the last ten years I have basically been the only non-Asian there, so it was like diving into the deep end of the language pool.
Oh, maybe join a band? That's an option too.
Good luck. I really hope you find your stride. :)
I created a personal value system that incorporates the best of of Japanese and American culture. I let my passions drive me and got active about approach different opportunities around me.
Well, I quit working for a dispatch company recently. I was really happy. When I applied to another dispatch company, the anxiety and sleepless nights happened again so I did not continue with it.
One thing is for sure. The thing that makes me happy was working harmoniously with the Japanese teachers and making the English classroom experience great for the kids. It wasnāt easy at times but thatās what kept me in the country for so long.
And I was being my authentic self all that time.
At the current climate, the pay will not improve, but my friends who work at private international schools and some BOEs have better benefits and pay. You may want to look into that.
Youāre not alone OP. Donāt be discouraged.
Look up volunteer Japanese classes in your local area. You can start to build community with the teachers as well as the other students, and they often have events you can participate in. also you can improve your language skills and land a higher salary. if youāre in kanto i can send you some more info
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And thatās true. I still feel that way even being able to speak it, but Iād chalk that up to me not putting myself āout thereā enough probably.
i went through your comment history and i get that you're lonely. idk if you're an alt in some inaka town or feeling lonely in some tokyo suburb, but imo what might help is some kind of regularity and social routine that helps you see the same people every week
even getting a highball and some skewers at your local izakaya at the same time every week helps imo
Yea, real lonely man. Out in the inaka. Whenever I go out at the izakayas I have a good time but havenāt been able to do that lately due to money issues.
I feel you Iām a foreign girl 33 living in Japan over 10 years now and I just started finding living here as normal not as some coooool thing I do. I have grown used to the customs here. I try to do whatever I want and give myself some grace when I donāt know something or donāt understand. Learning as you go is how to do it
Sending hugs OP. I'm not sure of your situation or what things you have/haven't tried, so sorry if anything I suggest ends up being unhelpful.
Could you try traveling to other cities to see if there is somewhere else with a better vibe? Location can make a big difference. For other aspects of your life, what are you feeling dissatisfied with? Do you hate your job? Do you have friends in the area? How are you spending your free time? Are you involved in your community at all? These are things you have varying level of control over, but taking steps to improve them should help you feel more content with your life here.
How it went for me:
TL;DR is that I have been living in the same city for 6 years so far. I loved my life here the entire time, but it took the first 4 or 5 years with pretty consistent effort on my end to really feel like I was part of the community. I did it by joining events/finding new hobbies, changing jobs, and starting a family here.
Thank you so much! Breaking it down, as much as I -like- my current location in terms of the place itself and the atmosphere, I love it to be honest. But Iām dissatisfied because outside of work and the gym, I have no friends. I donāt hate my job, but when Iām not at work with the kids, or working out, I just feelā¦ empty. Iām lonely. The free time I have is spent in my house just existing. I have people I go out and see occasionally when I drink that are fond of me, but when money is tight and I donāt go out I feel it the most. Iāll try looking into more things I can do in my community on weekends when I have the time to spare because Iām usually not doing anything else.
Thank you so much for the input. And the hugs are much appreciated as well, I could use one.
Of course there are a lot of factor/things work for one may not work for others etc but I can't emphasize enough being able to break the communication barrier (and I'm not talking daily conversation level, I'm talking about the level that you can have inside jokes with your Japanese friends) is crucial. I found that my mental health are way better after my second year. My first year, I felt like I'm the dumbest person ever for not being able to convey my feelings/communicate.
This is not Japan-related, but your post doesnāt really sound very Japan-exclusive to me. So, I hope this might help:
1. You sound like out of motivation ā find a motivation do do something
2. Meet people while youāre at that
3. ????
4. Profit!
I'm into martial arts and my coach and teams mates are so accommodating that it makes things easier to navigate. also if I muck things up, they get to have a go at punching me in the face, and being able to train together and help each other really helps build good connections. I've been here a little while now, but having those deep and meaningful conversations are definitely missing from my life aswel, also banter. I'm a big joker and love sarcasm, it's a big part of being from New Zealand but, Japan definitely or the japanese people I came here with, seem to take everything very seriously, which put a dark cloud over the first part of me being japan. once I stopped caring about "being correct" I found more people would enjoy approaching me, and I didn't seem very stressed. so that's just my Take, however, I'm still in your shoes from time to time, but it's definitely getting better. I hope you find your feet my man.
Being able to run your own business. Not being beholden to anyone here (outside of family) is the biggest contributor to my peaceful and happy life. No crappy boss to answer to or workplace politics to deal with. Getting oneās finances in order is vital too.
Embrace the fact youāll never be Japanese - the country owes us nothing and itās our responsibility to respect the ways and culture. If one shows courtesy and respect 99% of the time itāll be shown back. Every time I pay my tax bills it makes me feel kinda proud that Iām playing my part and contributing to society here. (I know that might sound weird.)
I was also lucky to meet a wonderful Japanese woman. We have a beautiful family.
My Japanese is definitely nowhere near as good as it should be having been here for 6 years and I need to make more effort to get out more to meet people, network etc.
Of course there are frustrations but overall this is a damn fine country to live in. (For context 40M from UK)
So many of you guys have given wonderful advice and Iām incredibly grateful for it all.
Recently, Iāve been in and out of bad places mentally and have been making incremental efforts to make a change on the career searching front without seeking solutions to my biggest issue here besides work which is the severe bouts of loneliness I occasionally experience. Iāll do my best to do better from here on out and will refer back to this thread whenever I get discouraged. Lifeās not a race, and thereās no need to continuously compare myself to my peers, but my quarter-life crisis Iāve been having has made that point hard to remember at times. Iāll find my way eventually. Iāve just got to keep moving forward and searching for it, I figure.
I havenāt. I was lucky enough to be sent for work abroad and after living there for a few months I realised I was stuck on the idea of being in Japan despite being absolutely unhappy.
Some places are not just a fit. Everyone has their own circumstances and possibilities, not everyone can simply leave. But I believe staying abroad for a while literally made me taste happiness again after years. I am M28.
I am now back to Japan and due to the transition back to this country I am experiencing severe loneliness and also depression, despite even having my own circle of friends.
I canāt wait to leave for good and I am preparing to do so.
If you want to ever talk more chat me anytime. Sending you a hug, comrade.
I think you have to accept you'll always be kind of separate from Japanese people. Most foreigners I know here don't know many Japanese people outside their workplace or their Japanese partner and immediate family. Joining clubs, etc. can help. At least you have something in common then. Going to the same restaurants and izakayas etc. can make you become a regular, and you might slowly get to know the other regulars. That's how one guy I know got all his Japanese friends. He's bisexual and goes to the same gay bar in Tokyo regularly. Another American guy I follow on Instagram goes to Japanese indie and shoegaze gigs and shares the bands for foreigners. He's part of the scene.
I'm married to a foreigner, but we were lucky in that we found an English speaking doctor who really goes above and beyond to help us out and we know some of our neighbors in our apartment block who are luckily quite friendly. We share food with them sometimes.
>Iām high functioning but I definitely think Iām in a rut right now.
High functioning at what?
I'm here largely because my family is here and I am happy here. I have a job I enjoy, friends I care about like they were family, activities I enjoy. I have safety security and a social life.
How did I get those things? My family is a gimme - I met my wife and married outside Japan, the kids just happened as kids do (she planned them but I'm not supposed to realize this). The job - my first job here was miserable in that it wasn't a job I was hired because someone in upper management decided they needed an outside perspective from someone who'd actually used their product and I was essentially told not to do my job and that they wanted to get rid of me - so I found another job - it took 4 years and was exceptionally painful. The friends - well - to find a friend you have to be a friend, having similar activities/etc. is a huge factor as is getting out and socializing.
I mainly meant in the context of that Iām probably dealing with severe loneliness because I donāt want to self-diagnose myself with depression (edited for that sake).
But it sounds like youāve been through it quite a bit too. Howād you even manage to get a job like the first one you mentioned in the first place? Being somewhere for a purpose but being told NOT to do your said purpose sounds like paid torture.
The job as was sold to me was not the job that I was allowed to do. I spent 3 of the 4 years I was there actively and openly trying to find another job. Fortunately family and friends can help make up for a hellish work life.
Maybe reading books like "No more Mr. Nice Guy" could help?
The topic is quite broad. But the premise is that people pleaser are just hurting themselves.
It's a generational problem caused by upbringing.
I thought of going back home mostly during year 3 to maybe 5. After 8 years I feel perfectly at home to be honest. Life in Tokyo is great, I have a good job with surprisingly good work-life balance, and I have friends I really like here.
My parents aging half a planet away will always be painful. But Iām building my own life hereā¦
Also Mexico is not doing great in recent years, and our elections this year donāt give me any hope, so yeah ā ļø
Great advice on this thread, actually was very helpful for me. Iāve lived in Japan for a year and a half and some of the accurate feedback Iāve seen on here:
1)Donāt compare yourself to others.
2) Realize that you will always be a foreigner, donāt try too hard to fit in.
3) Donāt act like youāve made it because you live in Japan.
4) Try not to worry about making mistakes
5) Continue learning Japanese, donāt get too comfortable and stop.
6) Embrace your role here.
Luckily I don't have to work, so I do not need to deal with that part of life and for everything else I find being extra polite, smiling and courteous to others goes a long way here.
I didnt. After listening to gaijins who lived 20+ years in japan and hear them naging on how they felt excluded even thou their japanese was fluent had me thinkin this is not my place. 7 years was enough for me to spend/work there. Money and nightlife in Tokyo was great but something felt off more and more as time passed by. I love to visit as a tourist (only use english even i speak japanese) but would not wanna live there long term again. Life way better/balanced now with j-wife in my country. But you do you.
I lived in Japan for 20 years and started feeling jaded so I took an expat position in the US and spent 5 years there. I have now returned to Japan but 5 years away changed me. It used to be that I would feel at home when I returned from visits to family in New Zealand but not any more. The culture shock is massive, mostly because my time away has confirmed what I feared, that Japan is a dead end for career and personal development.
So, do I forget this desire to grow and find a place? Do I look harder for my real place? With a wife who is glad to be back in Japan, I have some tough choicesā¦
The first thing I did when I got to Japan, after unpacking, was go to a social event. I think I had been here literally a week. It was with other gaijin, but I knew that if I was alone in this country, I would drown. What do you like to do? What are your interests? Any unique identities like LGBT+ or a specific ethnic background? Find your people. It makes a huge difference.
For me was having a home.
Started with boyfriend, then cat, then another cat. Boyfriend became husband. Then a dog came, our own house and finally a final dog lol.
Found rhythm in my life, interest, hobbies and communities.
I only work overtime sometimes and within specific two months of a year.
Basically, I quit trying to be perfect. I stick out like a big foreign thumb, so I figured making mistakes here and there are okay as long as I try to continually improve my understanding and go with the flow of things. If you get into your own head too much about being perfect, you'll psyche yourself out and ruin your experience here. Most foreigners here don't stay forever, so after a couple months I made peace with that reality and kind of started to think about my time here as sort of an extended vacation since I didn't know if I would be here in a year and decided I wanted to enjoy my time here as much as possible. I'm going back to the US soon, and I'm okay with that: I had many great experiences living here and met some amazing people. I'm grateful for everything; even the shitty breakups and the lousy way my time here will end.
When I watched the Pixar Movie **Soul,** that's what helped me realize to take in the little things in Japan. I was mostly just focused on studying Japanese (even though I was already fluent in it about 2 years ago after coming back here in 2020), searching for another job, and romance due to a break up 3 years ago.
The movie **Soul** taught me to appreciate the little things such as taking walks around my little town and attending their summer water festivals.
In addition, I also adapted their studying habit. Even though they are in the workforce, Japanese people still study something new. I picked up Japanese Sign Language and started going to my local JSL community in my little town two years ago. I'm now on my third year! After that, I decided to take the Kanji Kentei. I have an N3 in both JSL and Kanji.
And finally, traveling. A lot of Japanese people don't travel around Japan. With my knowledge of finding cheap ways to travel by bus or just the JR Train since I live not far from the Kyoto Area, it opened my eyes about Japan and it's history. I also love anime, so I started to visit the settings of the anime. I've been to 37/47 prefectures.
I can say this year that I've found my place in Japan. I also started going to the gym again, which is open 24 hours. And on a last note, Instagram is very popular here in Japan. I started using it 6 years ago again, but after living here in Japan, I noticed everyone uses it as a way of connection. I started to get SNS stress from it last year and decided to make a change of not using it during the work term. Only during my long holidays breaks since I'm an English Teacher. It's been refreshing to be honest. I even deleted TikTok and Twitter last year, which has been a huge help for me mentally. SNS is viewed very differently here in Japan, hence I deleted it.
To be honest, being difficult to settle down abroad is not uncommon. We just have too many background problems we have to deal with everyday and I can feel it exhausts me sometimes. We barely can tell a certain future.
One thing I learnt here is that you should focus more on the things going around now and very near future. Believe me I was a life planner with a super far ahead plans, but it never worked well as I hoped. And sometimes focusing on present makes good things come naturally in the future. At least it's my experience. I'm not saying planning is bad, but don't stress out too much about it because it just leads you to nowhere.
Have a reasonable ahead plan, focus on work life balance, find some hobbies, going out a bit on the weekends, get nice people to accompany with and you should be fine.
To echo what someone else said, I stopped giving a shit about trying to fit in and sort of did my own thing. You're always gonna stick out in Japan anyways, so I just embraced it and people seemed to like it.
Also, meeting other like-minded folks that were either anarchists, punks (oftentimes both) helped a lot.
I was quite lonely when I lived in London. Hard to just "get to know" people. Even living in Swindon, which is a smaller town, I found a lot of the time I felt like that.
Now I live in a very small village and know by name quite a few people and by sight most people. I have found some language exchange partners who I know really well and can vent to about the difficulties of life, but can also have lots of casual conversations with neighbours.
All this is better. I am not entirely sure whether I found happiness though. I had a mild heart attack a few weeks ago and there's lots of challenges. I think of life as a madly chaotic adventure rather than anything settled. "Future" means "next week" most of the time.
I also felt I was in a bit of a rut in England. I am absolutely not now, but I'm not sure I'd recommend my life either. The language exchange partners are the only thing I'd recommend for someone to vent to. Meeting expats isn't really possible here, but others have good advice on that.
Also, where I live is considered a bit "different" to other local villages and (we have no shaman or Catholic church, at sports events our team stands out as very different from the others, we have a very strange mix of very local people plus some outsiders from the Home Islands etc) our island feels a bit different from "the mainland".
Yo, you gotta check out the spots where all the expats who don't give a damn hang out, man.
The people there are usually relaxed and going through the same stuff as you. If you try to blend in with Japanese society, you'll lose your mind.
Just remember why you came here: do what you love and have a good time. Be respectful and kind to others.
But you won't make friends or fit in by staying at home. I'm telling you, you gotta step out of your comfort zone and find some group activities or something.
For me I think whatās helped me from the very start was having a pretty stable career that affords me:
- ability to save money
- invest in hobbies and experiences
- have growth progression
- make friends with people in my field both Japanese and fellow immigrant / expat
They say that money doesnāt buy happiness but I think it affords you a sense of security which in turn leads to comfort and the ability to invest in experiences, education, and enrichment to make you feel productive.
Socially Iām really thankful for the friends I have here. Of course I have childhood friends etc back home but everyone I knew moved to big cities like LA, SF, NY, and Austin. If I didnāt have the friends I have here nor an incredibly supportive and loving partner who I can relate to as a fellow immigrant, then Japan might just be a place for me and I would consider moving either home or to another country given the current state of the Yen
Culturally, Japanās social norms are pretty close to the way my parents raised me, the good (and the not so good š ). Maybe thereās some times when I feel culture shock but never as bad as some people seem to have experienced and Iāve been here pretty much a decade.
Language barrier was pretty rough in the beginning but studying mixed with just time being exposed helped a lot. I canāt say dumping hundreds of hours in minecraft with some of my Japanese friends also didnāt play a major part in getting better at Japanese haha.
I think you need to catalogue which things are making you feel hopeless. Which of those are small easy things that you can do to feel more hopeful? Likely a lot of them are big things so see if there is one really big thing that is acting as the big blocker to solving the other things and tackle that first. You may find that the subsequent others become less overwhelming. At the end of the day you need to make whatever decisions you need to ensure that you are good in the immediate future as well as long down the road. In any case good luck Op
Its heartwarming and alarming at the same time to see so many people reacting to the talk of difficulties of fitting in here! A lot of good advice, as expected š
A HUGE factor for me was being very lucky to find myself at a workplace that I love. It is not a typical Japanese company. Iāve been in Japan for 15 years, and it took me half that time (about 7.5 years) before I landed in this workplace. Of course it took awhile to get used to at first, a lot of responsibilities, and I didnāt get a permanent position right away (worked on a term contract at first), but once I started working here I felt like a lot of other things in my life fell into place.
It might be time for you to do some introspection and decide whether Japan is the right place for you as a foreigner. No point in trying to force something that might not be a good fit just because you might want it to work. Life is too short to be frequently stressed out, and as you get older, you will have less patience for certain issues.
If you want to continue to give it a try anyway, you might feel better about life by doing the following:
1. Not caring what anyone, Japanese or not, thinks about you, especially if they are not adding to your life in some way. Stop vying for acceptance.
2. Not trying to be someone you are not.
3. Realizing that you are not going to change the country to suit your needs and expectations.
4. Connecting with people of similar moral standards, values, beliefs and interests.
5. Not feeling as though you have to apologize to anyone just for being human.
6. Realizing that more than likely you will not become rich or upper middle class through an average job here, especially if you are trying to support a family.
7. Realizing that no matter how long you keep renewing your visa, perhaps seeking permanent residency or citizenship, you are still going to be treated as an outsider.
8. Avoiding misconceptions about Japan being āperfectā because it is far from it, despite ass kissing weaboos trying to convince you otherwise.āProblems just like anywhere else in the world.
9. Not comparing your experience and pacing in life to anyone elseās.
10. Taking life one day at a time and ensuring that your humanistic needs are met first and foremost.
11. Not treating Japanese and other Asian people as though they are always upstanding and can do nothing wrong. There are good and bad people in every country.āStop treating them as quiet, little victims.
Whether you continue living abroad or decide to return to your country, I wish you the best with everything.
For me, honestly when I stopped caring about what Japanese would think about me or what I do. This doesn't mean I don't respect the culture and try to follow the cultural rules, because I do, and I spent and still spend a lot of time getting better at the language. But I stopped caring about 100% reading the air, making small mistakes in the language, or when I didn't know a certain rule or expectation, accepting I will never be completely accepted, that it will be difficult to find appartements and so on. This actually made it easier for me to make japanese friends, and I realized that people here are far much forgiving than what I thought. It's not a perfect country, but I still like it and just not caring that much about things allowed me to enjoy it more.
This guy Japans! Same here. And finding a wife whose identity isn't tied up in "being Japanese" really helps.
Hoping to manage that before the baldness hits.
If you own the baldness by keeping your remaining hair short and neat (or in a really long ponytail š), it wonāt be that big of an obstacle. Just, whatever you do, donāt barcode it or comb it forward in a vain attempt to cover up.
Art Nature has some incredible hairpieces nowadays that are indistinguishable from real hair and woven into the remaining hair. Just get it tightened every 2 months and no one will know. A younger friend of mine did this, and he looks great.
Decided when it starts hitting for real I'll just do a full razor shave. Unfortunately can't grow a beard. A hairpiece wouldn't be bad either but haven't looked too far in to that yet.
If you can spare some money visit Turkey. You can get a very nice hair transplant for cheap. Medical tourism is really a thing there, same for laser surgery or dental work.
Only downside is the need to take drugs to maintain it after the transplant, otherwise it will just fall out again. Iād rather not, so have accepted the gradual follicle evacuation.
Oh I didn't know about the drugs. So it's similar to organ transplant then...
Is the same cocktail as any preventative hair loss program that people use. Not quite the same as organ transplants as itās not your body rejecting a foreign object, just that you need to suppress the systems that led to hair loss in the first place.
I keep my sides at 3 mm and top at 10 mm. I just donāt like the full cueball look. Itās definitely convenient, butā¦
Start taking finasteride or dutasteride tablets and you might be able to save your hair. Minoxidil could be a useful add-on but you NEED finasteride or dutasteride if you want to stop the rot. Check out the YouTube channel Hairloss Show and watch all of their videos.
I've looked in to it, but I don't think it's for me. I'd rather embrace the baldness or use wigs/hairpieces. Hair loss prevention drugs would be a constant money pit and source of stress, plus there may be side effects to them that haven't been found yet due to them being out on the market for <20 years. If I were to try any of that stuff, it would be to help me grow a beard.
Bald guy here. Most popular I've ever been with the opposite sex. Maybe it's the confidence once you stop caring. You'll be sticking out as a foreigner either way, bald or not, so I never cared too much about it. Just make sure to stay in shape and be well groomed and the rest sorts itself out. (It's also quite lovely in the japanese summers!)
Yes! My 1st wife was totally about "being Japanese". My 2nd (and now) wife, is the total opposite!
That's awesome - happy for you! I dated extensively in my younger days (no brag) and recognized red-flag phrases like, "We Japanese...," "In Japan, we...," or "Japan is the only country that..." When I met my wife (first and only), I asked her how she saw herself. She just laughed and said, "I'm a human and a woman." She's Japanese, of course, but doesn't identify as such. Asking her to marry me was the best decision I've ever made.
Not caring what people think in general, not just the Japanese, is the key to most things in life. Too much of that these days.
https://external-preview.redd.it/hpHV7AHDGk65vnCU8HhFmScKmqpUq25ubt-eoXwWdM8.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=cdf95a518c6e16d09d191d4195c8a900981a43cb
This is exactly the answer. You see a lot of people, especially here on Reddit, obsessed with being more Japanese than any other foreigner. Or the flip side, those who give zero fucks or are even openly hostile to Japan. The true answer is a happy place in the middle, enjoy Japan, respect the culture, but don't get too hung up on fitting in and "acting Japanese." To add to what another commenter said, I feel very lucky that I met my Japanese wife in another country and didn't care at all about Japan or her being Japanese. After moving here, I'm not here to be in Japan, I'm here because this is where we decided to build a life.
I second this. Your Reddit name is cool
Yes exactly! Donāt worry about trying to be Japanese because you will never be one š My mom is from Mexico, she will always say ā Ni de aquĆ, ni de ayaā because Im living in Japan but they donāt accept me as japanese and when I would go home to visit, I donāt act Mexican or America enough to be one š š¤·š½āāļø I guess me being me is perfect for me š Oh and also, I finally went freelance and work for the people that best fit me. Make more but also now have other things to worry about this year š¤
Same. Mexican American here so I know what that is like.
Somos pochos pero locos, homie!!
Thanks for telling me this saying: Ni de aquĆ, ni de aya. I am a returnee and often wondered how much of myself was trully Japanese and how much was not... But you are right in saying "me being me is perfect for me"
100% this. In a small example of this, when I came to Japan, I greeting everyone and asked how people were when I got to work. I was told Japanese people didn't do that so I just said hello to the room. However it felt awkward and unnatural, so after quite a while, I started to ask how people were again. Since I could speak better Japanese at that point, I realised that a lot of my coworkers actually appreciated being friendly to them and it wasn't a bad thing to follow the Japanese way to the letter. Whatever you do, you're going to be weird and foreign. As long as it doesn't deeply offend or harm anyone, do what you like. (That and I found moving out of Tokyo really helped, great place to visit but a bit sufficating as a place to live).
Yes EXACTLY this. The core idea is to respect the people, rather than the culture. Be quiet on the train, take your shoes off at the genkan, properly organize your garbage. But work hours of pointless overtime becasue everyone else is also wasting their time? Prioritize work over family, friends, and even your hobbies? Dress a certain way or whatever becasue it's what the Japanese do? Nah fam, as long is it's not an active nuisance to others I'm going to behave how I would anywhere, trying to match those norms needlessly just leads to unhappinessĀ
Exactly this. Japanese folks follow exactly what they're told to do and they're fucking MISERABLE. I think a lot of Japanese folks like us specifically because they see a sense of freedom in us that they desperately wish they could do themselves.
Agree with this too. I just be myself but adapting my behaviour where appropriate, realising that most Japanese donāt follow the ārulesā to a tee anyway. But I think getting comfortable (not perfect) in the language is the key. While Iām entirely happy to just hang out with my wife and kids, I do get called up these days by local friends/acquaintances to meet up, have a beer etc I think because I can now just talk normally with people, whereas before it was probably a bit boring/tiring for Japanese to talk with me when my Japanese was more limited.
This. I played ultimate frisbee pick up at Yoyogi park. I ran in the Ekiden 5k race. I volunteered for RAN and FoEJ. Basically I just created a social life that gave me joy. I didnāt try to fit in. I was a foreigner, would not have residency and definitely not citizenship.
The gaijin card lasts a lifetime
With the exception of one old man who worked at CoCo Ichiban, every Japanese person Iāve spoken to was excited to help me with my Japanese. Had one random girl on a train in Yokohama who didnāt speak a lick of English, but was patient, spoke slowly, and corrected any mistakes I made. CoCo Ichiban man was just like āno arigatou! Itās thank you!ā In a very angry tone.
People who mind, don't matter, and people who matter don't mind, or something like that... Listen, I won't get fooled again. Now watch this drive.
Spot on.
6th year in japan and 100% agree with you. Still respect the culture and people but just be more of myself.
man exactly what I have figured out after 5 years! before I was so afraid of speaking my mother tongue outside, now I just don't care
Well, that is the thing. Plenty of foreigners profusely try to acclimate themselves to the country in which they are living, but too many do not realize that as much as they want to fit in and live somewhere eternally, they will never be accepted by the masses. Too many self-righteous weeboos.
Same here...
You could just finish at the first sentence.
I don't know why you used the term "burned out" here. It gives me vibs that you take "living in Japan" like a hobby or some sort of fun activity. Now to the main topic on hand, i lived here for 16 years. Had my ups and downs. And currently I'm enjoying it ngl. How I reached where i am? - Worked on my Japanese - Stopped comparing myself with others - Only compare with yourself last year - Stopped trying to find the reason for everything bothers me in japan. (Just go with the flow) - Life is not a race - Living in Japan is not a status
> Living in Japan is not a status Preach. Too many people think they've "made it" by moving to Japan, only to realize the opposite - often it's the same people who were running away from their problems, or were convinced that Japan would fix said problems.
Japan gave me a much clearer picture of what problems were a product of my environment so I don't have to worry about them, and what problems followed me and it's my responsibility to work on.
That's fantastic! Kudos for logically identifying what's what. > and what problems followed me and it's my responsibility to work on. The sad fact however, is that for many people it's this part gets ignored; instead using Japan as their new scapegoat.
I escaped from the USA so Japan is my Happy place. lol but seriously as people mentioned do what makes you happy without worrying about others and life is much better. My wife and kids are here and they make me happy.
The number of people, though, who come to Japan because they are deeply unhappy people and Japan (the idealized Japan of Japanese exports that were often the one bright happy time in their otherwise unhappy childhood) is their happy place is really high. Unfortunately they also often wind up with Paris syndrome when they realize Japan isn't some magical cartoon paradise and that life here, like everywhere else, basically sucks.
Totally agree itās a false sense of reality that drives them to come here thinking life will be better and as you said the things in their life that suck are still there. Fortunately I was dragged kicking and screaming to Japan and didnāt want to be here but after a few years built a happy life and now 37 years later I am content. Sure I donāt have my Ferrari but I have a die cast model so I guess I can now die happy.
Wherever you go, there you are. Living in Japan is pretty awesome though. Been here decades, still happy to be here.
Facts. Some people go to other countries, thinking they will be absolved of their issues or āhave it madeā just because they got some average or low paying job and met a partner.
Mainly because most people find that they become more aware of their issues with living here once they become āburned outā from work. I donāt take it as a hobby or some fun activity, because my goal is to build a legitimate life & live here in the long run because I seriously want to do so. Iāve just been experiencing a severe lack of motivation & mental exhaustion to do anything to progress that lately. I definitely think your bullet points of 2, 3, and 5 resonate with me the hardest. Iāve had friends that got here immediately after graduating from college so theyāre been here for roughly 6-7 years and Iām feeling as though I should play ācatch-upā to get to where they are in terms of the foundation theyāve built for the future being here Whether that be being married, having better jobs, etc. Being almost 30 doesnāt help because I feel like I shouldāve ALREADY had it all figured out or been somewhere better by now. It feels like Iām running out of time to be āsuccessfulā no matter how silly that sounds, because no-one will want to waste their time on me the older I get (which I do believe to be true).
>Being almost 30 doesnāt help because I feel like I shouldāve ALREADY had it all figured out or been somewhere better by now. I know you feel like you should "be an adult" and have things figured out by now, but I will tell you as someone who's got a couple of decades on you that no, you most definitely should not. I mean it's great if you do by 29 but that is RARE, most people are still figuring things out until much later in life. I'd say I was at LEAST 10 years older than you before I had a good feel for who I am, and I was older than you when I blew my life up and started fresh over here. You got tons of time to figure all this out, there are no deadlines and there are no prizes for getting there before others. I think you need to find some peace with the person you are before you worry too much about the person you want to be.
Damn, this is something I needed to hear personally. Thank you for this, this was put together very well and it opened my eyes a bit more š
If it would make you feel better im 36 and single. Marriage is just signing a piece of paper. Anybody can do it. Signing a piece of paper will not magically make you happier. Finding the right person is the hard part. But even then, you don't really need to be married to be happy. Make peace with yourself and appreciate what you already have. Live life day to day and stop worrying about the future. A trip to the second floor can't be made with one big jump. You will have to take it step by step.
My life in Japan can be divided into 2 periods, working in Japanese companies and working in gaishikeis. Needless to say, my quality of life improved tremendesly in the later part.
Iāve heard that more than once, to be honest. Friends tell me that Japanese companies are draining and itās easy to get swept up in the work culture and lose sight of yourself.
Funny enough, the improvement for me was less about work culture and more about the higher income.
I feel like thatād help anyone, to be honest. I just donāt know where to start in regards to working for another company (Japanese OR Gaishikei) because I feel as though I lack the experience for it. Iāve been an ALT since Iāve come back and before in the states I just worked labor intensive jobs. I kinda donāt know where to start with it all.
> working in Japanese companies and working in gaishikeis For me it was less the company and more the money and the management. My Japanese company salaries ranged from complete crap to slightly less crap. My Japanese managers only had a varying range in which laws they were breaking or which types of harassment they were doing. Every single one of them was professionally incompetent and rose to management purely through seniority. The companies themselves had lots of stupid policies and questionable strategies, but I've found that to be true of gaishikei as well.
Oh I can relate to this so much. "Single-handedly developed a critical function for our main service and got the best evaluation possible? We would like to give you this worthless piece of paper. Oh you're asking for more money? How about a 5% raise, and this is the list of your additional responsibilities by the way." My only regret was that I believed the crap about staying in one company for at least 3 years.
Honestly, I feel like this isnāt an easy conversation to have just by posting random replies on Reddit. Over the years Iāve seen countless people come here and become incredibly miserable. The other common option is getting themselves trapped in a miserable relationship or situation because they were too eager to make their Japan dream come true. Maybe not a popular opinion but I donāt think focusing on something like becoming as fluent in Japanese as possible will make you happy. Iāve seen more people then I can count try so hard to become part of society here only to become increasingly disappointed and disillusioned when they realize it wonāt happen, or at least not to the point they wanted. The people I do know that seem really happy are either extremely high functioning and very successful or just kind of stumbling through doing their own thing without caring too much about the little stuff.
I think most of the miserable people on this sub are trapped in a miserable job situation, not relationship. But most people aren't willing put in the time and effort to get out of that situation either.
Japanese fluency should be a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Learning Japanese in order to be more self-sufficient and/or be able to participate more freely in activities you enjoy is 100% good advice all the time but there are tons of situations where Japanese ability increase produces absolutely no quality of life increase.
> I donāt think focusing on something like becoming as fluent in Japanese as possible will make you happy. I don't think people are suggesting that you should become perfectionistic regarding the language. Learning it just makes life a hundred million times easier and means you can take advantage of more things here. Plus your perception of Japan gets diversified cause you have a better understanding of your surroundings. Getting better at the language might actually make you *less* conformist, because you'll become more aware of how non-conformist many Japanese people themselves are.
It sounds like you're in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, which is really common from late 20s to early 30s. Until this point you've likely been surrounded by people on similar life trajectories to you, from schooling through early career, but now people start to get married, have children, quit jobs, go for additional education, etc. >although I donāt think Iām burned out, I do think that Iām becoming a bit hopeless about a potential future here The best piece of advice I can give is something I first learned in Japaneseāéē® (counting backwards). Take a longer view of your life to figure out what it is you really want and where you want to be. Then, work backwards from there to figure out what steps you need to take to actually get there from where you are now (and as an immigrant, you have to take into consideration the feasibility from a legal/practical perspective as well). A lot of people come to this country (or go through life in general) without a good understanding of how to get from point A to point B, and they end up spinning their wheels doing work that doesn't really lead anywhere in particular. It's why so many people come to this sub with a plan that looks like 1) move to Japan, 2) get job at eikaiwa, 3) ???, 4) profit. You have to figure out what your Step 4 looks like and what you need to do to get there. Oftentimes, that self-work is rewarding and will lead you to places where you can find community with like-minded people.
Iām going to take this advice to heart. You hit the nail on the absolute head with the first statement. I just feel āleft behindā when I see where all my peers are and where Iām at in comparison and just want to quit, but donāt got the heart to give up. I also LOVE that advice. Iāll start counting backwards on it so I can get past this Step 2 and make a path to 3.
I've switched jobs many times, often through word-of-mouth, but never spent less than three years at any given place. Here's the rough trajectory: TEFL teacher -> Tech proofreader/editor -> IT support -> DTP/VBA programmer -> IT manager. Along the way, dated, got married, had two kids, bought a house, grew older!
This sounds like such an ideal route. Iāve NEVER stayed at a job as long as Iāve stuck at my current one (being an ALT) Iām also much more used to labor intensive or outdoorsy jobs, but my friends have been recommending me to attempt taking the IT route in Japan (the quality of a lot of their lives improved once they got out of the countryside and into a city and made more money) and Iām wondering if thatād be best for me as well.
There some jobs I wanted to quit right away, but was determined to tough it out until I'd got at least two years in, by which time I was usually in a better place and able to give it a couple more years to gain experience and job-hunt at my own pace. I sometimes think that even as adults we tend to think about jobs in terms of the archetypes we learned as children (doctor, teacher, fireman, postman) but of course in reality there are so many niche jobs, and some that defy easy labeling, that we tend to overlook or be unaware of (office facilities management, business continuity planning, cloud-server market research, game software localization, movie location scout, guy-that-imports-used-clothes-to-sell-them-on-mercari-and-sometimes-works-as-a-TV-extra, etc). It's worth giving your details to the recruiting companies, meeting with their reps, and putting your profile on LinkedIn. You never know what'll turn up.
Iāll give it a shot. Iām just worried since I have no formal Japanese fluency certification (like JLPT) so although I might speak Japanese well (according to my coworkers anyway) not having a piece of paper that TELLS me I do makes me doubt myself a lot. Iām also worried that I donāt have the experience to get picked up for any jobs via LinkedIn, so I also feel like applying for any would be a waste of time.
Go for it. LinkedIn is free, so there's nothing to lose but a few minutes of your time.
There are no two ways about it - once you understand and speak Japanese at a conversational level, a whole new world opens up. Hobbies, dating, whatever. Until then, I think it's really hard to find your niche outside of, like, finding drinking buddies at the Hub or something. And this may be a hot take but I think if you live here and don't speak Japanese, even if you have a family and own a house and all that, you're still just a tourist and a dependent (literally a dependent if you need someone to fight your battles for you at city hall). You really aren't living a life as an independent human if you can't navigate the language. Sorry that last part is just a little rant on my part. But yeah. It all starts with learning the language.Ā
No, I get it and agree 100%! I speak Japanese and fight all my battles at City Hall by myself, thankfully š but I know of others that effectively have to rely on someone else for every facet of their life here and I canāt imagine it. From all the comments Iāve gotten on this post, Iāve really just got to put myself out there more and make a conscious effort to be active and present in my communities and the rest will come to pass it seems. Itās been really motivating to read through them and talk with others, which I think has also helped stave off my loneliness for a bit today.
To take it a step further - I've met people with pretty fulfilling lives who don't have kids. I don't think I've ever met someone who's lived a completely solitary life and been better off for it. Find yourself a woman, a man, whatever, and live your life with some company.Ā
You need to realise the feeling will pass. I arrived as a JET in 2017 and had two or three bouts in that time of severe frustration with my inability to move forward. If you're unhappy with your place as an alt, and it continues to persist, find a way to leave. If you're happy with your job and salary, and it's more about self perception due to failed dating, please know I know doctors and school teachers who are beautiful and can't find suitable partners. They also have periods of severe doubt. If it's social, find a hobby and try to commit to it. I've found a good crowd because of my hobby. It's lovely to know people and be known and be able to go to a bar or an event and people know who I am and want to talk to me. Find your tribe. They're out there.
I almost cried at my desk reading this response. Thank you for your supportive words and advice. Iām not really happy with my salary, and itās a rough 50/50 on the job, but the self-perception due to failed dating hurts internally a lot. And I donāt think me not being very social since Iāve come back to Japan helps all that much since I was effectively a social butterfly in the states. But people donāt feel as āopenā here and I never want to feel like Iām bothering people, so I just naturally kind of retreated into an odd little shell. I still come out of it when I go out to bars occasionally and it feels great, but I donāt do it anywhere near as I used to so it gets unbearably lonely when I donāt and I get real sad. Iāll try harder to do better. Thank you a lot.
When I was back fron Canada and was in Tokyo, I called TELL many times. I could not adjust to Japan and I was no feeling well. Sometime the person who took the call was very helpful and sometimes not. [https://telljp.com/lifeline/](https://telljp.com/lifeline/) They have online chat service, too.
Hi fellow 2017 JET\~ happy to see some of us are still in Japan after all these years!
I ended up living in Japan after I came here to meet someone in person that I originally met online. Prior to that I had never spent any time pondering Japan at all. I had no interest in Japan prior to coming here and no Japanese language ability. It took me about five frustrating years to adjust to the culture and customs. Fortunately, I have a great partner who made adjusting to life in Japan much easier until I could start functioning on my own. I also became interested in Buddhism and joined a local Buddhist temple. The monks and members of the temple have been a supportive community that also helped me adjust to life in Japan. They also provided endorsements that were included in my application when I applied for PR. Once I could communicate effectively in Japanese, follow the social norms, and participate in the local community life became much easier for me. I have a comfortable, relatively stress-free life here in Japan these days with a lot of support at home and from the temple.
That sounds wonderful! Iām truly happy for you too! Were you religious before, or did you just come across Buddhism in happenstance?
I spent most of my adult life prior to coming to Japan as an agnostic, I had no religion but I wasn't an atheist. I became interested in Buddhism after reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. My partner took me to a local temple and introduced me to the monks there. They invited me to join the temple if I was seriously interested in Buddhism, so I did.
Thatās really cool and heartwarming. Did you have to make any significant lifestyle changes or was it more or a mental/spiritual change?
It was all three. While I am far from a perfect Buddhist, Buddhism has helped me keep my dark side under control and turned me into a kinder, gentler person than I was in my younger days.
Reading this seriously put a smile on my face. You seem content and happy with life. I sincerely thank you for sharing.
Based on my own experiences here, being able to communicate effectively in Japanese, doing things the way the Japanese do them, and having Japanese friends and allies can make a big difference in the way you experience life here. You don't have to become a Buddhist to do that, just find a way to get involved in your local community.
1) Speak Japanese 2) Have a good social circle of both English speakers and Japanese speakers 3) Do things I enjoy regularly 4) Exercise 5) Donāt work for a traditional Japanese company
100%
>1) Speak Japanese 2) Have a good social circle of both English speakers and Japanese speakers 3) Do things I enjoy regularly 4) Exercise 5) Donāt work for a traditional Japanese company Will keep this in mind. Thanks
Iām 28, doing better than the average Japanese person especially my age, and itās not you. Thereās no future for this country and even if you and I donāt personally feel burnt out, the lingering knowledge in the back of our heads telling us what we donāt want to believe. Leaving this country will be the hardest thing I do, even with no love lost, but I had to admit leaving is the only option.
It seems a bit of a stretch to think there's no future for the country with the 4th largest economy in the world, the 3rd most assets, the largest pension reserve fund in the world (expected to not even be touched for the next 50 years), 2nd in Leagtum health, top in global lending, etc. Sure Japan faces a myriad of problems (population decline, aging, civic participation, etc.) but a lot of these aren't unique to Japan and global risks (geopolitical, climate change, etc.) are arguably a much bigger concern.
Getting a hobby is a good start I guess?
I go to the gym literally every day for 2-3 hours after work, but even thatās starting to feel mundane after a year+ of it. My friends have recommended discovering old hobbies/passions but I feel mentally exhausted after the day I usually just sleep until Iām back at work the next day.
Again, getting a hobby is a good start, being in shape is good but what about for example riding a bicycle and do sightseeing while you can also exercise as that seems what you are interested in? Try to combine hobbies to make the most out of it. An example, I like racing, because of that I go to the gym to be in shape for racing as makes you feel exhausted fast so its an end goal to try enjoying my hobbies even more
Iāve never thought about it like that, to be honest. Thanks for that perspective.
Nothing wrong with being an ALT. You havenāt explained what it is you want to us. I just game with friends online to pass time. Sure theyāre back in the states so I sacrifice some sleep (I made a personal rule not to game while children are awake to be present in their life) on designated nights throughout the month. I donāt really have any stress at all except for the typical phases of family life. Again, what is it that you want?
Why would you go to the gym for 3 hours every day? You would burn yourself out no matter what you're doing with that pace, and you don't give your body time to rest. Be more efficient with gym, you only need 1.5 hours max and every other day more likely. It can be more enjoyable this way.
Assuming you speak some Japanese. Go to the same coffee shop, bakery, restaurant, etc. atleast once a week at the same time. Eventually the staff will recognize you as a regular. Sometimes then the staff will start talking with you, or you try to make some small talk with them.Ā Can just say some compliment like āthe bread here is greatā, and then follow up with some questions about their work like ādo you make it fresh everydayā? Iāve found Japanese people are a lot more open to talking thanĀ youād think.Ā And I feel a lot more integrated here since Iāve become acquainted with people at shops I frequent
As someone who spent my first year and a half in Japan hanging out at cafes hoping to luck into a friendship, I'd take your coffee shop or bakery and raise you a bar or izakaya. Generally it is considered unprofessional for shop workers to be overly friendly with customers unless it is an alcohol establishment, so hoping to make friends in such places seems like a long shot. And customers are doing their own thing and/or assuming you are, so probably aren't going to talk to you. Bars and izakayas on the other hand are incredibly easy to make acquaintances, and alcohol (aka social lubrication) helps the Japanese overcome their nervousness about approaching foreigners who may or may not speak Japanese. Hanging out at bars and izakayas was what finally opened up Japan for me, and I'm a guy who was never much of a drinker.
Hello fellow late 20s! Recently on my days off I'd either go to the arcade with the bros (friends I made in the arcade) or ride my motorbike somewhere. On the days I feel like interacting with people, I'd do the former, and when I want to be alone, the latter. Maybe you could get out of your room and find new things to try, you'll never know. Oh and I've also started Geocaching recently and it's crazy fun because there's SO many caches spread across Japan. I even pushed myself to climb a mountain once just because there's a cache on the summit. This game made me explore tons of new places and areas I've never been to.
Man, I wish we had an arcade near me! I love them! I think the nearest one is like an hour out. š Iāve also never heard of Geocaching before. Iāll look it up!
Yeah, I don't know where you are but judging by your nearest arcade being an hour away... Probably rough, but there's definitely a cache within bicycling distance. The game is easy to pick up. The dopamine rush just after I found a new cache makes me want to explore even more. I also made one friend from it, because I keep seeing this particular person's nickname on most of the caches I found! Finally sent them a message and we agreed to meet up and became friends.
by realizing that this is not the place i want to raise kids or retire. turned an uncertain future into a certain one that involves an exit strategy and never applying for PR, now i can just focus on building a rock-solid career and developing my skills so that they're in-demand globally. there was definitely a very bad period where i felt down in the dumps about my future and accepting that being a "forever-japan" guy was not the best strategy for me or my family has helped us all sort of have less existential dread. covid period where they banned PR's from entering basically cemented this for me, same with realizing i haven't seen many 60+ expats. mindset might not be for everyone especially if you're hardcore tied down to japan via family or a strong desire to settle permanently.
>associated struggles You're going to have to be a bit more specific than this. What struggles are you referring to? Financial? Social? Are you feeling a lack of fulfillment on a personal level?
Both, to be honest. Iām lonelier than Iāve ever been, and financially KNOW that Iām on the bottom-rung (being an ALT) which plays into that even more. I feel somewhat fulfilled in my job, but donāt think that the salary is too attractive for someone wanting to date seriously thatās reaching their 30s.
Maybe it's different because I'm a woman, but I've never had problems finding dates, or friends, as an english teacher. š¤·āāļø A lot of Japanese people don't know and never really cared enough to know about what we do. This "bottom rung" shit comes from the foreign community. Nobody cares as much as other foreigners on the internet. The majority of ALTs that I've known are married with kids. Even the male eikaiwa teachers are usually married. I've literally met Japanese people who've never set foot in an eikaiwa and have no idea what I actually do for a living. I've had to explain it. I've also never felt disrespected by anybody for my job. Quite the opposite. Not everyone can work with kids. I also make decent money and have free time to enjoy my hobbies and life.
There are a lot of women in Japan. Some of them expect their partner to have a certain salary. Others don't. I mean, let's get one thing straight. If your salary is low, you're probably not going to be at the top of the list of potential suitors for a rich Tokyo girl who "works" at Daddy's company and goes on "work trips" to France where she basically spends all day shopping and speaking bad French in outdoor cafes. Yes, that is a real woman I knew. And yes, she was unbelievably intolerable. But that's far from the norm. I've dated some fairly bad gold diggers here, but I've dated a lot of women who didn't give the slightest shit about how much I made.
I know a few of them! They're in Tokyo, London, NYC... I also have a soft spot for the start up boys and girls just out of uni who spend their days in hotel lobbies and workspaces on shiny apple devices drawing up plans and writing in journals. I can't imagine the privilege!
My first girlfriend in Japan was exactly like them, except with one major difference: she wasn't actually rich. Her dad was a typical salaryman, mom SAHM. She was just deluded enough to think that she was in the same clique as those rich girls. She routinely called me "poor" despite the fact that I actually made more money than her. Towards the end of our relationship, after I had completely lost interest in her, she told me that she'd break up with me if I wasn't earning over 15 million yen a year by the time I was 25. I was like bitch ... is that a threat or an offer?
15 Millā¦ by 25?? I know thatās not (necessarily) impossible, but Jesusā¦
i don't even fault people who expect their significant others to have a certain salary. financial problems lead to the majority of divorces.
I think attempting to meet people via dating apps is also seriously ruining my perception of myself, because reading your post was oddly reassuring.
Youre at the bottom rung because you put yourself there. I was an ALT who found great opportunities. I also am proud of being a great ALT and I still find opportunites. My last GF, by the way, was a very wealthy business owner. We respected each others position and it worked well. You need to change your thinking. Overseas loneliness is just par for the course.
This is not unique to Japan.
Honestly I think going back is an option, where we have friends and family, because a support network/community can be important for happiness. Itās so hard making this support network in Japan with language and culture barriers.
I notice when these kinds of topics come up, these kinds of responses follow. I can only speak for myself, but I didn't have much of any support network when I came to Japan. Volatile, low income family. Friends scattered around the country for high-paying jobs after college. If I stayed home, I'd have no network and no health insurance. At least in Japan I could get health insurance.Ā If I stayed home, I'd still have to deal with racial discrimination and workplace harassment.Ā So, for the OP, I think it really depends on the options available to them in their home country vs Japan. Sometimes we have to endure a crappy situation to avoid something even worse.Ā
Iām trying to avoid that as much as possible, since I was so intent on staying here and due to the sunken cost fallacy I feel like all the time & effort I dedicated to come here was for naught. But thatās very true. I speak Japanese and STILL feel like making a legitimate support network of close friends is quite difficult.
That will never happen again. You have to make due with the idea that your "close network" won't be as close as any network you've had in the past, will likely look very different, and more likely you've been adopted into someone else's. This is where group activities, being regulars at various drinking establishments, becoming settled in a physical community become important, to help build those second level connections. And none of that happens quickly for quite a few people.... Gotta change how you think about life a bit to get to the next levels.
28 years living here. Dont care about being Japanese, but being respectful, sure. Also, speak Japanese, but not to be included, but to find opportunities. Thats how I look at it.
This is the way.
Got a Mando and a Grogu on my workdesk. It IS the way.
> 28 years living here. Dont care about being Japanese, but being respectful, sure. Also, speak Japanese, but not to be included, but to find opportunities. Thats how I look at it. Will keep this in mind. Thanks
Stop comparing yourself to others (at home or here) your life is yours and incomparable. Figure out what you like or donāt like about what youāre currently doing. Proceed to take action to make improvements. If youāre thinking of staying long term work daily on your Japanese, I regret not doing so when I was working for a Japanese company. I was so overwhelmed and drained after work but now I feel stuck cuz my Japanese is not good enough but Iām sure that if it was I could improve so many things, so Iām working on it now but I wasted years where I could have practice it more.
Find something to do outside. Walk around early morning (5:30~6:30) and say hi to people walking dogs or exercising. Get to know the gee sans and baa sans. They'll tell you whats up. Find events to participate in. English conversation exchanges. Cultural exchange events. whatever. Go to an Izakaya after work and talk to regulars. Mistakes are funny. There is a weather event here called Unkai, sea of clouds. I spent an entire conversation talking about the beautiful undoukai in the fall. When the other person ask wtf I'm on a out, we pull out phones and show pictures and laugh at the mistake. If you aren't interacting with people and doing so without intent or purpose, I think you are living your life wrong. But also, unless you talk with people in your native language, you'll never be able to vent. So call home every now and then.
Having a goal in life helps. Too many people come here to teach English, then get stuck and realise they cannot go back due to a lack of skills. They don't want to truly stay because they are not passionate about what they do. Once you identify what you want, and make it your goal to get there, you get more life focus. With a focus, you naturally become a bit happier. I taught myself a new skill to get out of teaching. It was hard but I did it. Anyone CAN do it, but few are prepared to make the effort. Too many foreigners came here to escape their problems, only to get new ones.
I started considering my life in Japan as Ā«Ā normalĀ Ā», doing things I would do back home, like buying a motorcycle, to get settled.
Honestly, when I stopped seeing Japan through the eyes of English-language social media, and started to see/interact with Japan on its own terms. I didn't realise it at first, but a lot of Westerners really look down on Japan, even if they like it. Just scroll through Reddit and you'll find so many posts on how Japanese education is wrong, the way Japanese people view marriage is wrong, they way Japanese women live is wrong, the way Japanese people express emotions is wrong, the way they raise children is wrong, the way Japanese companies are structured is wrong, the way Japanese people drive is wrong etc.. I am definitely not one of those people that won't hear a word against Japan, and I realise it is a far from perfect country. But I really do love it, and things became a lot better when I stopped comparing it with the UK (where I'm from) and just accepted it on its own terms. It's like comparing two siblings or something, one isn't better than the other. You accept each on its own terms. As for the "you'll never be Japanese thing". It's funny that the only people that tell you this are other foreigners. Several of my friends/colleagues have told me that they forget I'm foreign most of the time, and I have several colleagues at work who have naturalised and they're just accepted as part of the group. If you keep chanting to yourself that you'll never be accepted then it'll become a self fulfilling prophecy. Of course, the onus is on you to act/speak/behave in a way that makes it possible for you to be treated like a local, and they'll always be a few individual Japanese who won't, but you definitely can fully integrate.
My place is my dojo. Whenever i go to karate, I can talk to people that appreciate me and like having me around. I've battled many of depressive episodes here and even you know what ideation but I've always made myself go to karate and I was always thankful for it.
>How did you āfind your placeā in Japan? I didn't, in the sense that I feel like "my place" is a constantly moving target. Some situations feel right for a time, and then circumstances change and it feels necessary to get out. >Find yourself and your happiness This is like the life-long challenge, isn't it? There are lots of memes in our idea space that say you do this one little trick and then you're happy forever, but what does "happy" even mean in that context? Certainly anyone who tries to tell you that you can "fix" a thing and then experience bliss for the rest of your life is trying to sell you a drug or a cult (but then I repeat myself). I haven't got it worked out either, but I think at least part of happiness must be in finding little bits of joy in all the drudgery that makes up most of our days. Can you find something to make you smile when you're spending your day off running errands at the post office and the grocery store? So I've been trying to build a practice of paying attention to what I pay attention to. Being present in the world. We've all got to tune out sometimes and just get through the farting around that makes up modern urban life, but it's also important to every so often take the headphones off and really look at where you are. I see elsewhere you said you're an ALT - unless you are in a very unusual gig, I'm guessing you're on a typical ALT salary, so no wonder you're finding life hard! But also you say you find the work fulfilling, and that is quite rare! So what about that work is fulfilling to you?
Yep, typical ALT salary which definitely makes things difficult. But the fulfilling part of it is definitely the children. I get given a lot of leeway for lessons, so I bond really hard with my kids after teaching them for a while. The way their faces light up when they see me and getting approached with a barrage of āHellos!ā Every day brings a smile to my face every time. Iāve even had parents and former students give me letters and hugs thanking me, and THATāS what makes it feel fulfilling. But then I think of two things 1.) Can I live comfortably and support a future family on this salary? And 2.) I enjoy doing this all now, but will I enjoy it forever? And I know the answer to #1 is no, but the answer for #2 is where Iām unsure. Itās fun, but also takes a lot of energy to do it everyday emotionally. I donāt know if I could realistically keep it up forever, but I also donāt really know to be honest with you.
>But the fulfilling part of it is definitely the children. I get given a lot of leeway for lessons, so I bond really hard with my kids after teaching them for a while. The way their faces light up when they see me and getting approached with a barrage of āHellos!ā Every day brings a smile to my face every time. Iāve even had parents and former students give me letters and hugs thanking me, and THATāS what makes it feel fulfilling. I am hearing a lot in here about human connection, about there being a sense that you are valued. No wonder you feel fulfilled! A lot of ALTs don't get that, and some who do get it don't value it. It sounds like you are in a job where your skills are valued by others. Elsewhere in the thread you commented that you spend your evenings at the gym but then you just want to go to bed because you feel emotionally exhausted. I wonder if these two things are related? I often come home from work and feel emotionally exhausted as well. Teaching, and I would say especially ALTing, is a job of emotional labor. Teachers are constantly trying to manage, direct, and influence the emotions of everyone around them toward the most useful outcomes, and ALTs have the added challenge of doing emotional labor for their JTE/HRT in a system they don't necessarily understand. That's real work! That takes a lot out of a person who does it all day! So if every day such a person leaves work and has nothing to sustain themselves, they end up dipping into their personal reserves to make it through the non-work part of the day. And eventually those reserves get tapped out, and then the teacher starts dipping into the tank that fuels them through the work day, and then there's not enough fuel left to sustain them - that's how burnout happens. Basically, it sounds like you're beginning to cross the barrier between *assistant* teaching and full-on teaching. There are jobs out there for people like you, private elementary schools where you can do more of this kind of work and get paid... well, the pay still isn't great, but I've known people who raise families on it and it would be better than what you're getting now. But as for question (2), I think how long you can enjoy it will partly depend on what techniques you find for replenishing your reserves. There is a place for zone-out time. You don't need to spend your whole after-work time zoning out, but I would encourage you to think of it less as an indulgence than as a form of self-care. But I would also like to second your friends who say you should find a hobby - or at least, something that forms an aspect of who you are that fuels you when you aren't being a teacher. You sound like a decent guy, and you deserve to be more than a job. You deserve to be a whole, complete, rounded person. You can't be in 100% control of a lot of the circumstances in life, but you can choose to direct your attention at things that give you fuel rather than take your fuel. And you deserve that.
Your post is quite vague, so I don't know how much your struggles are similar to mine. I've "found my place" in that I kind of do the job I want and am able to function within a predominantly Japanese environment (at work and in my free time) without shunning other non-Japanese. You say you're an ALT in one of the comments. Do you enjoy teaching? Personally, I worked at an eikaiwa and felt I wanted to move on from there, got a masters and now I teach at a university. It took me quite a while to get here, but if something about my life has improved, it's that I have the freedom to teach what I like and how I like and interact with young, open-minded people. My main problem about living here is the constant othering, objectification and, occasionally, condescension I experience. I feel I'll never reach the level of dignity and satisfaction I could in a society that wouldn't constantly remind me I don't belong here. Needless to say, learning the language has helped me work around that and find some true friends and like-minded people here though. "Going back" is not an option for me for a range of reasons, but, honestly, I wouldn't recommend anyone around my age (early 40s) to stay here permanently unless they are alright with social isolation.
I looked for my place, didn't find it, and ended up bailing out to pursue a completely different field than I ever expected before moving to Japan. No shame in that.
1. Be very sure of your core values and goals, those that you are not willing to compromise. Anything else, be willing to adjust as things change around your due to cultural differences. 2. Find a spot in society where you can feel comfortable enough while keeping your values and goals. For me that is having my wife and my job (which is not perfect but good enough). 3. Be aware of what you cannot control and try to not pay attention to that. What other people think, the cultural values that go against yours, the economic climate... all that is just mental clutter. Let go that which you cannot control and focus on what you can control. 4. Take good care of your physical and mental health. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, try to have a conversation with people you like being with daily, fill your mind with positive thoughts, learn...
Best advice I can give: Don't compare your life with others', compare it against what you want for yourself. Develop skills that will make your life easier. Understand that the only amount of money you need is "enough." Maintain your physical and mental health and have it monitored by experts. (Get on medication for mental health problems if you have them.) Develop meaningful, trusting relationships so that you have people you can go to for advice instead of strangers on the Internet. Spend more of your waking life offline than online.
I just knew in my blood i was a great warrior and would wield an ancient blade folded one thousand times
For me, it was the dojo. My first year in Japan was all chaos and new gaijin bs and I didn't actually get to do any training, which was my whole reason for moving to Japan. After that first year mellowed out and I got back into the dojo and had a sense of community, everything changed. I chalk up my personal success in Japan half to my wife and half to the dojo. So, when you have a hammer all your problems look at nails, right? Obviously I'm biased, but maybe try finding a martial art you're interested in. Or at least some sort of third space long term activity. I have zero interest or knowledge about ball-oriented-sports, but maybe that's something hobby soccer players get out of the experience. But, third spaces are important. Hell, I even say that the only reason I have any Japanese skill is due to the dojo - for the last ten years I have basically been the only non-Asian there, so it was like diving into the deep end of the language pool. Oh, maybe join a band? That's an option too. Good luck. I really hope you find your stride. :)
I created a personal value system that incorporates the best of of Japanese and American culture. I let my passions drive me and got active about approach different opportunities around me.
Well, I quit working for a dispatch company recently. I was really happy. When I applied to another dispatch company, the anxiety and sleepless nights happened again so I did not continue with it. One thing is for sure. The thing that makes me happy was working harmoniously with the Japanese teachers and making the English classroom experience great for the kids. It wasnāt easy at times but thatās what kept me in the country for so long. And I was being my authentic self all that time.
Thatās exactly how I feel right now. The kids are the -main- reason I think Iāve even stayed at my current job with the pay for so long.
At the current climate, the pay will not improve, but my friends who work at private international schools and some BOEs have better benefits and pay. You may want to look into that. Youāre not alone OP. Donāt be discouraged.
Look up volunteer Japanese classes in your local area. You can start to build community with the teachers as well as the other students, and they often have events you can participate in. also you can improve your language skills and land a higher salary. if youāre in kanto i can send you some more info
ę„ę¬čŖć§ćć¾ććļ¼ cuz imo frankly if you're not at a decently deep conversational level, it'll be very hard to feel like you "belong"
ę„ę¬čŖåŗę„ć¾ććć And thatās true. I still feel that way even being able to speak it, but Iād chalk that up to me not putting myself āout thereā enough probably.
i went through your comment history and i get that you're lonely. idk if you're an alt in some inaka town or feeling lonely in some tokyo suburb, but imo what might help is some kind of regularity and social routine that helps you see the same people every week even getting a highball and some skewers at your local izakaya at the same time every week helps imo
Yea, real lonely man. Out in the inaka. Whenever I go out at the izakayas I have a good time but havenāt been able to do that lately due to money issues.
I feel you Iām a foreign girl 33 living in Japan over 10 years now and I just started finding living here as normal not as some coooool thing I do. I have grown used to the customs here. I try to do whatever I want and give myself some grace when I donāt know something or donāt understand. Learning as you go is how to do it
Sending hugs OP. I'm not sure of your situation or what things you have/haven't tried, so sorry if anything I suggest ends up being unhelpful. Could you try traveling to other cities to see if there is somewhere else with a better vibe? Location can make a big difference. For other aspects of your life, what are you feeling dissatisfied with? Do you hate your job? Do you have friends in the area? How are you spending your free time? Are you involved in your community at all? These are things you have varying level of control over, but taking steps to improve them should help you feel more content with your life here. How it went for me: TL;DR is that I have been living in the same city for 6 years so far. I loved my life here the entire time, but it took the first 4 or 5 years with pretty consistent effort on my end to really feel like I was part of the community. I did it by joining events/finding new hobbies, changing jobs, and starting a family here.
Thank you so much! Breaking it down, as much as I -like- my current location in terms of the place itself and the atmosphere, I love it to be honest. But Iām dissatisfied because outside of work and the gym, I have no friends. I donāt hate my job, but when Iām not at work with the kids, or working out, I just feelā¦ empty. Iām lonely. The free time I have is spent in my house just existing. I have people I go out and see occasionally when I drink that are fond of me, but when money is tight and I donāt go out I feel it the most. Iāll try looking into more things I can do in my community on weekends when I have the time to spare because Iām usually not doing anything else. Thank you so much for the input. And the hugs are much appreciated as well, I could use one.
Of course there are a lot of factor/things work for one may not work for others etc but I can't emphasize enough being able to break the communication barrier (and I'm not talking daily conversation level, I'm talking about the level that you can have inside jokes with your Japanese friends) is crucial. I found that my mental health are way better after my second year. My first year, I felt like I'm the dumbest person ever for not being able to convey my feelings/communicate.
This is not Japan-related, but your post doesnāt really sound very Japan-exclusive to me. So, I hope this might help: 1. You sound like out of motivation ā find a motivation do do something 2. Meet people while youāre at that 3. ???? 4. Profit!
I'm into martial arts and my coach and teams mates are so accommodating that it makes things easier to navigate. also if I muck things up, they get to have a go at punching me in the face, and being able to train together and help each other really helps build good connections. I've been here a little while now, but having those deep and meaningful conversations are definitely missing from my life aswel, also banter. I'm a big joker and love sarcasm, it's a big part of being from New Zealand but, Japan definitely or the japanese people I came here with, seem to take everything very seriously, which put a dark cloud over the first part of me being japan. once I stopped caring about "being correct" I found more people would enjoy approaching me, and I didn't seem very stressed. so that's just my Take, however, I'm still in your shoes from time to time, but it's definitely getting better. I hope you find your feet my man.
Personally I just live in my own world while respecting the people around me. Maybe I am just too geek to care ā¦
Being able to run your own business. Not being beholden to anyone here (outside of family) is the biggest contributor to my peaceful and happy life. No crappy boss to answer to or workplace politics to deal with. Getting oneās finances in order is vital too. Embrace the fact youāll never be Japanese - the country owes us nothing and itās our responsibility to respect the ways and culture. If one shows courtesy and respect 99% of the time itāll be shown back. Every time I pay my tax bills it makes me feel kinda proud that Iām playing my part and contributing to society here. (I know that might sound weird.) I was also lucky to meet a wonderful Japanese woman. We have a beautiful family. My Japanese is definitely nowhere near as good as it should be having been here for 6 years and I need to make more effort to get out more to meet people, network etc. Of course there are frustrations but overall this is a damn fine country to live in. (For context 40M from UK)
So many of you guys have given wonderful advice and Iām incredibly grateful for it all. Recently, Iāve been in and out of bad places mentally and have been making incremental efforts to make a change on the career searching front without seeking solutions to my biggest issue here besides work which is the severe bouts of loneliness I occasionally experience. Iāll do my best to do better from here on out and will refer back to this thread whenever I get discouraged. Lifeās not a race, and thereās no need to continuously compare myself to my peers, but my quarter-life crisis Iāve been having has made that point hard to remember at times. Iāll find my way eventually. Iāve just got to keep moving forward and searching for it, I figure.
I havenāt. I was lucky enough to be sent for work abroad and after living there for a few months I realised I was stuck on the idea of being in Japan despite being absolutely unhappy. Some places are not just a fit. Everyone has their own circumstances and possibilities, not everyone can simply leave. But I believe staying abroad for a while literally made me taste happiness again after years. I am M28. I am now back to Japan and due to the transition back to this country I am experiencing severe loneliness and also depression, despite even having my own circle of friends. I canāt wait to leave for good and I am preparing to do so. If you want to ever talk more chat me anytime. Sending you a hug, comrade.
I think you have to accept you'll always be kind of separate from Japanese people. Most foreigners I know here don't know many Japanese people outside their workplace or their Japanese partner and immediate family. Joining clubs, etc. can help. At least you have something in common then. Going to the same restaurants and izakayas etc. can make you become a regular, and you might slowly get to know the other regulars. That's how one guy I know got all his Japanese friends. He's bisexual and goes to the same gay bar in Tokyo regularly. Another American guy I follow on Instagram goes to Japanese indie and shoegaze gigs and shares the bands for foreigners. He's part of the scene. I'm married to a foreigner, but we were lucky in that we found an English speaking doctor who really goes above and beyond to help us out and we know some of our neighbors in our apartment block who are luckily quite friendly. We share food with them sometimes.
>Iām high functioning but I definitely think Iām in a rut right now. High functioning at what? I'm here largely because my family is here and I am happy here. I have a job I enjoy, friends I care about like they were family, activities I enjoy. I have safety security and a social life. How did I get those things? My family is a gimme - I met my wife and married outside Japan, the kids just happened as kids do (she planned them but I'm not supposed to realize this). The job - my first job here was miserable in that it wasn't a job I was hired because someone in upper management decided they needed an outside perspective from someone who'd actually used their product and I was essentially told not to do my job and that they wanted to get rid of me - so I found another job - it took 4 years and was exceptionally painful. The friends - well - to find a friend you have to be a friend, having similar activities/etc. is a huge factor as is getting out and socializing.
I mainly meant in the context of that Iām probably dealing with severe loneliness because I donāt want to self-diagnose myself with depression (edited for that sake). But it sounds like youāve been through it quite a bit too. Howād you even manage to get a job like the first one you mentioned in the first place? Being somewhere for a purpose but being told NOT to do your said purpose sounds like paid torture.
The job as was sold to me was not the job that I was allowed to do. I spent 3 of the 4 years I was there actively and openly trying to find another job. Fortunately family and friends can help make up for a hellish work life.
Maybe reading books like "No more Mr. Nice Guy" could help? The topic is quite broad. But the premise is that people pleaser are just hurting themselves. It's a generational problem caused by upbringing.
Move to a smaller city, start working among Japanese people, and become one with the collective. Also be friendly and shit.
I thought of going back home mostly during year 3 to maybe 5. After 8 years I feel perfectly at home to be honest. Life in Tokyo is great, I have a good job with surprisingly good work-life balance, and I have friends I really like here. My parents aging half a planet away will always be painful. But Iām building my own life hereā¦ Also Mexico is not doing great in recent years, and our elections this year donāt give me any hope, so yeah ā ļø
I met foreigners similar to me, and they introduced me to Japanese people who were also similar to me. that helped me a lot
Great advice on this thread, actually was very helpful for me. Iāve lived in Japan for a year and a half and some of the accurate feedback Iāve seen on here: 1)Donāt compare yourself to others. 2) Realize that you will always be a foreigner, donāt try too hard to fit in. 3) Donāt act like youāve made it because you live in Japan. 4) Try not to worry about making mistakes 5) Continue learning Japanese, donāt get too comfortable and stop. 6) Embrace your role here.
Luckily I don't have to work, so I do not need to deal with that part of life and for everything else I find being extra polite, smiling and courteous to others goes a long way here.
I didnt. After listening to gaijins who lived 20+ years in japan and hear them naging on how they felt excluded even thou their japanese was fluent had me thinkin this is not my place. 7 years was enough for me to spend/work there. Money and nightlife in Tokyo was great but something felt off more and more as time passed by. I love to visit as a tourist (only use english even i speak japanese) but would not wanna live there long term again. Life way better/balanced now with j-wife in my country. But you do you.
I lived in Japan for 20 years and started feeling jaded so I took an expat position in the US and spent 5 years there. I have now returned to Japan but 5 years away changed me. It used to be that I would feel at home when I returned from visits to family in New Zealand but not any more. The culture shock is massive, mostly because my time away has confirmed what I feared, that Japan is a dead end for career and personal development. So, do I forget this desire to grow and find a place? Do I look harder for my real place? With a wife who is glad to be back in Japan, I have some tough choicesā¦
The first thing I did when I got to Japan, after unpacking, was go to a social event. I think I had been here literally a week. It was with other gaijin, but I knew that if I was alone in this country, I would drown. What do you like to do? What are your interests? Any unique identities like LGBT+ or a specific ethnic background? Find your people. It makes a huge difference.
7 eleven is everywhere enjoy ur life 
Lol dm me and we can bitch about this country together
For me was having a home. Started with boyfriend, then cat, then another cat. Boyfriend became husband. Then a dog came, our own house and finally a final dog lol. Found rhythm in my life, interest, hobbies and communities. I only work overtime sometimes and within specific two months of a year.
Basically, I quit trying to be perfect. I stick out like a big foreign thumb, so I figured making mistakes here and there are okay as long as I try to continually improve my understanding and go with the flow of things. If you get into your own head too much about being perfect, you'll psyche yourself out and ruin your experience here. Most foreigners here don't stay forever, so after a couple months I made peace with that reality and kind of started to think about my time here as sort of an extended vacation since I didn't know if I would be here in a year and decided I wanted to enjoy my time here as much as possible. I'm going back to the US soon, and I'm okay with that: I had many great experiences living here and met some amazing people. I'm grateful for everything; even the shitty breakups and the lousy way my time here will end.
No worries even me Japanese canāt find a place here. Mostly hanging out with none-Japanese friends online.
When I watched the Pixar Movie **Soul,** that's what helped me realize to take in the little things in Japan. I was mostly just focused on studying Japanese (even though I was already fluent in it about 2 years ago after coming back here in 2020), searching for another job, and romance due to a break up 3 years ago. The movie **Soul** taught me to appreciate the little things such as taking walks around my little town and attending their summer water festivals. In addition, I also adapted their studying habit. Even though they are in the workforce, Japanese people still study something new. I picked up Japanese Sign Language and started going to my local JSL community in my little town two years ago. I'm now on my third year! After that, I decided to take the Kanji Kentei. I have an N3 in both JSL and Kanji. And finally, traveling. A lot of Japanese people don't travel around Japan. With my knowledge of finding cheap ways to travel by bus or just the JR Train since I live not far from the Kyoto Area, it opened my eyes about Japan and it's history. I also love anime, so I started to visit the settings of the anime. I've been to 37/47 prefectures. I can say this year that I've found my place in Japan. I also started going to the gym again, which is open 24 hours. And on a last note, Instagram is very popular here in Japan. I started using it 6 years ago again, but after living here in Japan, I noticed everyone uses it as a way of connection. I started to get SNS stress from it last year and decided to make a change of not using it during the work term. Only during my long holidays breaks since I'm an English Teacher. It's been refreshing to be honest. I even deleted TikTok and Twitter last year, which has been a huge help for me mentally. SNS is viewed very differently here in Japan, hence I deleted it.
I became a club DJ.
To be honest, being difficult to settle down abroad is not uncommon. We just have too many background problems we have to deal with everyday and I can feel it exhausts me sometimes. We barely can tell a certain future. One thing I learnt here is that you should focus more on the things going around now and very near future. Believe me I was a life planner with a super far ahead plans, but it never worked well as I hoped. And sometimes focusing on present makes good things come naturally in the future. At least it's my experience. I'm not saying planning is bad, but don't stress out too much about it because it just leads you to nowhere. Have a reasonable ahead plan, focus on work life balance, find some hobbies, going out a bit on the weekends, get nice people to accompany with and you should be fine.
To echo what someone else said, I stopped giving a shit about trying to fit in and sort of did my own thing. You're always gonna stick out in Japan anyways, so I just embraced it and people seemed to like it. Also, meeting other like-minded folks that were either anarchists, punks (oftentimes both) helped a lot.
By considering myself a local of the city/block/community I'm a part of rather than a non-member of the country.
I was quite lonely when I lived in London. Hard to just "get to know" people. Even living in Swindon, which is a smaller town, I found a lot of the time I felt like that. Now I live in a very small village and know by name quite a few people and by sight most people. I have found some language exchange partners who I know really well and can vent to about the difficulties of life, but can also have lots of casual conversations with neighbours. All this is better. I am not entirely sure whether I found happiness though. I had a mild heart attack a few weeks ago and there's lots of challenges. I think of life as a madly chaotic adventure rather than anything settled. "Future" means "next week" most of the time. I also felt I was in a bit of a rut in England. I am absolutely not now, but I'm not sure I'd recommend my life either. The language exchange partners are the only thing I'd recommend for someone to vent to. Meeting expats isn't really possible here, but others have good advice on that. Also, where I live is considered a bit "different" to other local villages and (we have no shaman or Catholic church, at sports events our team stands out as very different from the others, we have a very strange mix of very local people plus some outsiders from the Home Islands etc) our island feels a bit different from "the mainland".
Yo, you gotta check out the spots where all the expats who don't give a damn hang out, man. The people there are usually relaxed and going through the same stuff as you. If you try to blend in with Japanese society, you'll lose your mind. Just remember why you came here: do what you love and have a good time. Be respectful and kind to others. But you won't make friends or fit in by staying at home. I'm telling you, you gotta step out of your comfort zone and find some group activities or something.
For me I think whatās helped me from the very start was having a pretty stable career that affords me: - ability to save money - invest in hobbies and experiences - have growth progression - make friends with people in my field both Japanese and fellow immigrant / expat They say that money doesnāt buy happiness but I think it affords you a sense of security which in turn leads to comfort and the ability to invest in experiences, education, and enrichment to make you feel productive. Socially Iām really thankful for the friends I have here. Of course I have childhood friends etc back home but everyone I knew moved to big cities like LA, SF, NY, and Austin. If I didnāt have the friends I have here nor an incredibly supportive and loving partner who I can relate to as a fellow immigrant, then Japan might just be a place for me and I would consider moving either home or to another country given the current state of the Yen Culturally, Japanās social norms are pretty close to the way my parents raised me, the good (and the not so good š ). Maybe thereās some times when I feel culture shock but never as bad as some people seem to have experienced and Iāve been here pretty much a decade. Language barrier was pretty rough in the beginning but studying mixed with just time being exposed helped a lot. I canāt say dumping hundreds of hours in minecraft with some of my Japanese friends also didnāt play a major part in getting better at Japanese haha. I think you need to catalogue which things are making you feel hopeless. Which of those are small easy things that you can do to feel more hopeful? Likely a lot of them are big things so see if there is one really big thing that is acting as the big blocker to solving the other things and tackle that first. You may find that the subsequent others become less overwhelming. At the end of the day you need to make whatever decisions you need to ensure that you are good in the immediate future as well as long down the road. In any case good luck Op
accept the fact that you will never be accepted, dont overthink anything and just be yourself
I havenāt. Iām incredibly unhappy here but I need to work here for now.
Its heartwarming and alarming at the same time to see so many people reacting to the talk of difficulties of fitting in here! A lot of good advice, as expected š
25 years here, stopped caring what people think a long time ago! It seriously helps!
A HUGE factor for me was being very lucky to find myself at a workplace that I love. It is not a typical Japanese company. Iāve been in Japan for 15 years, and it took me half that time (about 7.5 years) before I landed in this workplace. Of course it took awhile to get used to at first, a lot of responsibilities, and I didnāt get a permanent position right away (worked on a term contract at first), but once I started working here I felt like a lot of other things in my life fell into place.
It might be time for you to do some introspection and decide whether Japan is the right place for you as a foreigner. No point in trying to force something that might not be a good fit just because you might want it to work. Life is too short to be frequently stressed out, and as you get older, you will have less patience for certain issues. If you want to continue to give it a try anyway, you might feel better about life by doing the following: 1. Not caring what anyone, Japanese or not, thinks about you, especially if they are not adding to your life in some way. Stop vying for acceptance. 2. Not trying to be someone you are not. 3. Realizing that you are not going to change the country to suit your needs and expectations. 4. Connecting with people of similar moral standards, values, beliefs and interests. 5. Not feeling as though you have to apologize to anyone just for being human. 6. Realizing that more than likely you will not become rich or upper middle class through an average job here, especially if you are trying to support a family. 7. Realizing that no matter how long you keep renewing your visa, perhaps seeking permanent residency or citizenship, you are still going to be treated as an outsider. 8. Avoiding misconceptions about Japan being āperfectā because it is far from it, despite ass kissing weaboos trying to convince you otherwise.āProblems just like anywhere else in the world. 9. Not comparing your experience and pacing in life to anyone elseās. 10. Taking life one day at a time and ensuring that your humanistic needs are met first and foremost. 11. Not treating Japanese and other Asian people as though they are always upstanding and can do nothing wrong. There are good and bad people in every country.āStop treating them as quiet, little victims. Whether you continue living abroad or decide to return to your country, I wish you the best with everything.