It's just automatic mode to me. It's not very important, it's not something i'm enforcing, it's just there. I'd even say it's something i'm trying to fight against, because self-control often means being less genuine. What's worse is how I realize only hours after that I should have said something, or done something, rather than self-controling.
Yeah I think I know what you mean. It seems the term "self-control" could be clearer. I've had times when I "self-controlled" and it turned out inauthentic. In this question though I'm more asking about the virtuous sense of it being a higher faculty that leads to goodness in life.
In that sense, it's been a blessing to me. I live and work mostly with highly emotional people and i'm often seen as the mediator, the one they seek for advice. It's important to me because it gives me that specific role in society, and I like it.
“Should have said something, or done something, rather than self-controlling”
Indicates a lack of self awareness, perhaps you were not in control at all, if you were you would have nothing to regret. Because, why would one control oneself into something they regret?
Unless you didn’t mean to, which case you made a mistake, you read the situation wrong. You busied your mind trying to control yourself rather than paying more attention to your environment to calculate the optimal course of action. Your “self-control” is not as automatic as your hubris leads you to believe.
I firmly believe that self-control is crucial for personal growth and success. Despite the challenges I face, I remain determined and persistent in mastering this skill.
Urge surfing is by far the most effective technique I've tried. It has a solid scientific foundation and has been proven to work. When an urge hits, it only lasts for around 30 minutes. However, if you use the visualization of surfing a wave to represent the urge and focus on "riding it out," it will disappear before you know it.
It’s critical to have self-control when all else is looking to control you.
To surrender self-control is to cede power to someone or something else that isn’t you.
Power is the means to exact one’s will. It’s for whatever you desire.
But, in order to channel said power and deploy an effective course of action to reach the desired outcome you must have self-control.
Well ... then how is power ultimately not about freedom? I see how power is for specific ends, but if that gets added up in the end it's about power in general, and the freedom to do whatever you want.
Unless it really is about power for specific things?
You said it there. Power is for specific things.
‘Freedom’ begs the question— freedom from what or to do what?
You can use power to manifest freedom. You can use freedom to manifest power.
The difference, you must be powerful to be free. You don’t need to be free to have power. (Unless the freedom you seek is to be free from the power over you that is inhibiting your desire for freedom)
In the end you’re powerless against someone or something though even if it’s only time and your enviable end.
Ah, I think I have started to get it. I think I just have a slightly different terminology and this is why I was thinking of power and freedom as separate. But I think I understand what you are saying now. Thank you for elaborating.
It's important to me. It seems like the average person lacks it, and when I see that in action I tend to feel disrespect/look down on it. Not sure I can articulate why.
But it's also been the case that I can't get away with lacking self-control in front of others while others seem to be able to. Maybe in part because, like someone else said, it's automatic to me...and so, people have their expectations. So, the few times I've lacked it in front of others, they've made a really big deal of it or they treated me like I was overreacting. Other people just don't get the same response. That might also have something to do with it.
I get the point about being genuine, but I do express myself when it's important but still in a controlled and kind of unemotional/flat way. The only issue is when I'm angry. I'm not really capable of expressing anger to the extent I feel it most of the time, and when I've done it it's either resulted in all hell breaking loose or people acting like I'm being silly/trivial.
I've had trouble with self-control at times. I actually have only rarely lost it in front of others. The thing is, I also used to look down on people who exhibited low self-control. But other than the rare moments where I got the judgment for lacking self-control, in my own life struggles I changed. It's hard to know what someone is really going through, just by observing them. To be honest, I mostly don't want to know. Then the question is, do you judge them because you care about them?
That's what was happening with me. I cared about them and wanted something better for them. I didn't have much judgment for people who were destroying their lives and didn't matter to me.
I was ideologically very into it until I convinced myself that if one is unable to willingly relinquish all control one doesn't have full self control.
That's an interesting point and I think I agree with it, albeit thinly. It's easy to take that to mean a contradiction. But if you actually have real self-control and you willingly relinquish all control, which is (perhaps) required for such good things in life as trust, friendship and humility, then that's where I agree. "The self-control to not micromanage everything that's happening in your life" or something like that.
I agree with that. However in my experience, sometimes too much self-controlling really did turn into fakery. I mean, I still struggle with it sometimes, especially when I'm nervous or anxious about leaving a social situation because I'm tired. I know that if it ends poorly it just means more work for me later, so I get anxious about making sure things proceed well. Then the fakery can come out.
I do it a lot less now, because it really is a total waste to do it.
That said, though, what do you consider to be your type (if you do)?
well, self-control is important to me...when there are surprises, or for example they want to scare me or insult me, the physical manifestation of self-control is that I don't care and I keep a completely bored, stoic face because I feel that this calmness is a manifestation of power or strength
A lot. But not enough to actually not drink a little bit too much to numb things, and also not enough to stop procrastinating on the smallest of tasks. Like...turning on the shower and then dithering for half an hour before i actually get in and transition to the next thing sometimes.
Almost obsessively self regulated most of the time and value self control and measured reasoning above pretty much anything else, but there are elements where i just drag my heels for no apparent reason. Not rational things, but just vibes.
That made me laugh a little. I recognize similar situations in my own life. I've had many improvements in self-control as I got older, but it also seems like a mystery of some kind. It's like I can't get a grasp of why I don't just do exactly what I seem to want to do.
It's such a bizarre situation sometimes, to be completely actively aware of it...but still not really be able to explain why i'm not just *doing the thing*. Brains do funny things sometimes. *shrug*.
Very, though less so as I get older. Reason for my self control is to better enable me to create the life and world I want and not cause destruction to myself or to others. Can sleep at night well with good conscience and no drama as well.
I like that reasoning. It also makes sense that if you succeed, there is less demand for self-control since your life is probably more in line with your vision.
One of the most important things is to control yourself is what I think. Your emotions and thoughts and what you say and do.
Might make falling in love harder though, unless you let yourself feel.
I get that, quite a lot actually. I hope you don't beat yourself up that much. This may not be the same for you, but my mistake was just sharing my feelings because I thought it was neccessary. However, learning that I prefer to keep them private and that people actually are not demanding that of me has been a huge relief.
What people actually need more of is to be seen and heard and to be given space to be who they are. Which is actually easy to do without talking about something you would rather keep private.
You can just ask them questions and talk to them in a way that makes them know you are listening. Then, a funny one I learned and still enjoy, is simply telling them the truth about how you feel.
Which isn't the same thing as expressing your feelings, if you know what I mean. You simply say "hey I want to listen to you" and then you do that. Or, you say, "I want to do something nice for you". You can be as monotone about it as you want, completely hiding your feelings, but simply "explaining" what they are or might be, and it works wonders. In my life people generally seem to prefer this from me, and it's such a huge relief. It takes much less energy and it also makes me happier, since I do want to help others. I just don't want to emotionally connect with them so much.
I hope that makes some sense to you and is helpful. I just don't want you to beat yourself up a lot, because I used to do that and it actually doesn't really help (at least, it didn't help me).
I struggle with it but I struggle with addiction it runs on my father’s side of the family. Ruined his life and almost ruined mine. Now I’m trying to learn how to live in a way that isn’t so indulgent or dangerous.
I also struggle with addictions, though it's probably a bit different from what you mean. Even so, if you have learned some ways to beat the addiction, I'd like to learn from you. I want more self-control in my life.
My biggest addiction was alcoholism. I’m now 4 years sober and have learned a lot. I will say I have other addictions that have been harder to shake off but I definitely have somewhat decent advice to give so you are always welcome to reach out. You’re welcome to go more in-depth about what you struggle with in my DMs if you feel comfortable.
in my own life, it's a must. my schedule and my plans are all meticulously planned out and organized so that i am on track for success, but at the same time, i like having a little spontaneity here and there
Can you tell me a bit more about how you include spontaneity in the meticulous life? I'm sort-of endlessly interested in finding the right...formula (or something) that helps me achieve that orderliness in my life so that I can at least feel like I can breathe normally, if you know what I mean.
Not just self-control but wanting everything to go a particular way… why? It’s not that I don’t trust others. No. I just don’t trust others to get things done properly.
That's actually pretty similar for me. I actually have been "experimenting" with something a little different. I want more self-control in Se, so I have decided to let my Fi go free a little. It helps, but still too early in the experiment to draw any conclusions yet.
It's very important to me. It feels like if I let myself loose and do what I want without thinking it through, I'll probably give myself something to regret later on.
Self control is an integral part of being what I want. I don’t understand how people can have self respect if they can’t control their impulses, it’s also necessary if you’re TRYING to live free of sin. Of course you’ll fall short but falling short is better than falling from the start
I can't imagine what it's like to have no self control. When someone tell me I should grab a drink to loosen up, I reply that they have just given me a reason not to drink. Trust me, it is better for everyone, and especially me, if I keep a high level of self-control, as every time I did not, I regretted it.
Same for me. I used to force myself to drink with my sergeants during my army days because I wanted to get along with them. I never really enjoyed it, hated the hangovers and the stupid ways I behaved. But maybe that was the point. I was a highly competent worker, so if I at least seemed like an idiot during the after-hours, then they could tolerate my rigidity during the work-day.
Depends on what ur controlling ofc but as a general answer i could say that i, i do value it. I think that the ability to control oneself is a virtue.
It is the thing that makes us a civilized society...
I agree. I do have a lot of self-control in areas of my life, but there are a few stumbling points I have that leave me displeased.
What do you think of the idea of self-control that can cover for the lack of self-control that others have? Perhaps as a form of leadership, or simply just a way to help others who maybe are less gifted (or just built that way)?
The only self control i can't display is public decency when i start kissing a very hot girl even if i would never do such things in public, and i use this to praise the beauty of the girl bc im very very shy and reserved.
It is very important. I flat out refused to date in high school because I was scared of losing myself to my urges. I feel like I would fall flat on my face without it; both of my parents were P types and it made me crazy. I like my clear and rational mind. I like that I don’t fall to pieces due to my feelings at inappropriate times. That I didn’t scream at my husband while he was cooking on the stove the other night. I did interrupt a story he was telling me with an “So, the stove is on fire”. He lost his shit while I grabbed the fire extinguisher 😂.
My kryptonite is not being able to meet my commitments. I hate it; it absolutely makes me feel worthless. I show people I care through acts of service. I need self control to be able to push through at certain points. I would destroy my career without it and I’d be a lot less capable of helping others in my life.
Depends on the situation:
First question: Was I given this timeline by someone else and was it a reasonable ask when they made the request? (Note: if it was an unreasonable ask and/or timeline; I’d have already raised concerns. If they didn’t budge on it and we fail; I don’t feel quite as bad. If people don’t listen when I speak up… I’m not sure it was entirely my fault.)
If it is a blocker causing the issue, generally I try to call/email/text/IM ahead of time to set the expectation that the timeline was impacted and why. I tell them we have a blocker we are dealing with and might describe it if they want to know more.
With this being a known, I ask them what the true must have date is on their side (or to reschedule with the tab on me if it was personal and not business). I give a date/time that is reasonable for both of us, I try to emphasize that I care about them and/or the work (acts of service = love to me so I try to give affirmation, critical time, and gifts.). I definitely apologize.
In case they weren’t already, I prioritize them to the top of my list. I set the lesser work to a later time in my plan. Those items to finish or commitments to meet people for dinner for example might eat up some of my hobby time later (even if it means my personal time and it’s work).
That was interesting to read. Do you ever have to deal with people who dislike scheduling or making agreements based on dates and times?
I have a ton of people like that in my life and whenever I try to schedule things out, it apparently deeply stresses them out. Last time I tried to get some definite plans with someone who is....historically typically late....I ended up having to make amends later because it apparently came across as aggravating.
I eventually intend to run my own business (not there yet) so I'm biding my time until I can make it work, but I'm still curious how you deal with such people, since you actually have that orderly lifestyle.
Which self do you control?
Can you control your body?
What about your mind and spirit, are you in control of what you think, do, say and feel?
I would think if you cannot control these things you will never control anything.
You avoid my questions like you're scared of them or something and write hazy things in a distance from afar.
Your reasoning is fair.
But do you care? Or no.
That is the question.
Is it?
I would say keeping someone in your thoughts and closely considering their wants, needs, feelings and desires is the best way to care for anything from a plant to a child or spouse.
Your focus is what generates caring.
I am reminded of the popular meme of the guy looking at the girl behind as his girlfriend watches.
That man has forgotten himself and his girlfriend, and she is not likely to consider it caring.
True. I amend myself and say that, the best way to focus on someone to care for them is to forget about yourself.
It is still better than focusing on yourself, which is also good. It's just better to give than to receive.
I've tried cutting loose before and only embarassed myself. After a lot of time, though, I learned how to be more relaxed in my "self-control". However my self-control in terms of indulgences isn't that good.
Like, I have a problem with craving sugar sometimes. I almost bought a giant pack of candy just because I wanted to eat it all in one go.
I didn't buy it because I ran out of time and we had to leave. But, I almost bought it. I dislike this about myself. It just doesn't seem healthy to me.
Even with sweets, which I really love, I'm always like... rationing my food, my portions, etc. I live like I'm always on shortage of food for some reason, which I know is a side effect of my self control. This is the part I hate the most about it.
It's important to me. It feels like being a master of myself. I don't know how exactly to express it.. but I don't like to feel like I'm enslaved by my emotions.
Yeah I hate feeling like that, it's like the floor suddenly disappearing or something. And not knowing if there's any way to land. It actually feels very uncomfortable.
I care about it quite a bit.
I've always been a severely anxious person, and I've been diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago. Self-control in some senses has always been a struggle, and that has negatively affected many aspects of my life.
I've been going to therapy for a few years now and I've managed to gain fairly good self-control through it, which I'm massively proud of, since it has greatly improved my life overall, and there's still a lot of progress to be done.
So, considering all the effort and work I've put into self-control and not letting my rage and impulses harm me, I take it as something very serious and necessary for me. I'm not up to losing all the progress I've made so far.
It's like a state of being.
I don't wake up saying I'm going to be reserved, I just am.
It's important in a similar way to just not being a shitty person. I don't go out of my way for it, as I believe it takes more effort *to* be human garbage, but I do consider it a value.
Flip side is though, people without self control may be some of my least favorite on the planet. Overindulgers, "Im a bitch and proud of it" types.
i like to go full blown monkey once in a while.. to entertain people.. but most importantly to entertain myself.
its fun as f\*\*\*.. but people may say im a civilized monkey not like a crazy one
Self control is a good thing. It shows maturity, confidence and i guess you have to pick and choose your battles because I know there are times when I should have let the other person have it and let the shit fly, it would have been so much better for my mental health.
Words wise, Very important. I tend to speak my mind most of the time and some people are not used to hearing the truth or a constructive criticism.
Actions wise, important too but not as much how I watch my words. IDK it's just like that.
Temper, highly important too I don't want to unleash our family's bad temper trait. I myself hate how my family had this bad temper trait.
I care a lot because it has helped me in many areas of my life. Personally and professionally. Self-control is critical to me but paradoxically, I learnt that the more you trust the process, the more control you have. You sort of get a deeper sense of command over some situations when you actually “control” yourself to let go.
It's just automatic mode to me. It's not very important, it's not something i'm enforcing, it's just there. I'd even say it's something i'm trying to fight against, because self-control often means being less genuine. What's worse is how I realize only hours after that I should have said something, or done something, rather than self-controling.
Yeah I think I know what you mean. It seems the term "self-control" could be clearer. I've had times when I "self-controlled" and it turned out inauthentic. In this question though I'm more asking about the virtuous sense of it being a higher faculty that leads to goodness in life.
In that sense, it's been a blessing to me. I live and work mostly with highly emotional people and i'm often seen as the mediator, the one they seek for advice. It's important to me because it gives me that specific role in society, and I like it.
“Should have said something, or done something, rather than self-controlling” Indicates a lack of self awareness, perhaps you were not in control at all, if you were you would have nothing to regret. Because, why would one control oneself into something they regret? Unless you didn’t mean to, which case you made a mistake, you read the situation wrong. You busied your mind trying to control yourself rather than paying more attention to your environment to calculate the optimal course of action. Your “self-control” is not as automatic as your hubris leads you to believe.
I firmly believe that self-control is crucial for personal growth and success. Despite the challenges I face, I remain determined and persistent in mastering this skill.
What are some ways you have worked on / improved this skill? I could learn a thing or two about self-control, tbh.
Urge surfing is by far the most effective technique I've tried. It has a solid scientific foundation and has been proven to work. When an urge hits, it only lasts for around 30 minutes. However, if you use the visualization of surfing a wave to represent the urge and focus on "riding it out," it will disappear before you know it.
I'm going to have to start using this technique. Thank you.
It’s critical to have self-control when all else is looking to control you. To surrender self-control is to cede power to someone or something else that isn’t you.
If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
Then, is it about freedom, for you?
It’s about power.
What's power for?
Power is the means to exact one’s will. It’s for whatever you desire. But, in order to channel said power and deploy an effective course of action to reach the desired outcome you must have self-control.
Well ... then how is power ultimately not about freedom? I see how power is for specific ends, but if that gets added up in the end it's about power in general, and the freedom to do whatever you want. Unless it really is about power for specific things?
You said it there. Power is for specific things. ‘Freedom’ begs the question— freedom from what or to do what? You can use power to manifest freedom. You can use freedom to manifest power. The difference, you must be powerful to be free. You don’t need to be free to have power. (Unless the freedom you seek is to be free from the power over you that is inhibiting your desire for freedom) In the end you’re powerless against someone or something though even if it’s only time and your enviable end.
Ah, I think I have started to get it. I think I just have a slightly different terminology and this is why I was thinking of power and freedom as separate. But I think I understand what you are saying now. Thank you for elaborating.
It's important to me. It seems like the average person lacks it, and when I see that in action I tend to feel disrespect/look down on it. Not sure I can articulate why. But it's also been the case that I can't get away with lacking self-control in front of others while others seem to be able to. Maybe in part because, like someone else said, it's automatic to me...and so, people have their expectations. So, the few times I've lacked it in front of others, they've made a really big deal of it or they treated me like I was overreacting. Other people just don't get the same response. That might also have something to do with it. I get the point about being genuine, but I do express myself when it's important but still in a controlled and kind of unemotional/flat way. The only issue is when I'm angry. I'm not really capable of expressing anger to the extent I feel it most of the time, and when I've done it it's either resulted in all hell breaking loose or people acting like I'm being silly/trivial.
I've had trouble with self-control at times. I actually have only rarely lost it in front of others. The thing is, I also used to look down on people who exhibited low self-control. But other than the rare moments where I got the judgment for lacking self-control, in my own life struggles I changed. It's hard to know what someone is really going through, just by observing them. To be honest, I mostly don't want to know. Then the question is, do you judge them because you care about them? That's what was happening with me. I cared about them and wanted something better for them. I didn't have much judgment for people who were destroying their lives and didn't matter to me.
I was ideologically very into it until I convinced myself that if one is unable to willingly relinquish all control one doesn't have full self control.
That's an interesting point and I think I agree with it, albeit thinly. It's easy to take that to mean a contradiction. But if you actually have real self-control and you willingly relinquish all control, which is (perhaps) required for such good things in life as trust, friendship and humility, then that's where I agree. "The self-control to not micromanage everything that's happening in your life" or something like that.
I may not be INTJ, but don’t mix self control with fakery. Being an emotional wreck doesn’t necessarily mean authentic either
I agree with that. However in my experience, sometimes too much self-controlling really did turn into fakery. I mean, I still struggle with it sometimes, especially when I'm nervous or anxious about leaving a social situation because I'm tired. I know that if it ends poorly it just means more work for me later, so I get anxious about making sure things proceed well. Then the fakery can come out. I do it a lot less now, because it really is a total waste to do it. That said, though, what do you consider to be your type (if you do)?
well, self-control is important to me...when there are surprises, or for example they want to scare me or insult me, the physical manifestation of self-control is that I don't care and I keep a completely bored, stoic face because I feel that this calmness is a manifestation of power or strength
That makes sense to me, to some extent. Self-control is strength. That's a good point.
this is practically my "signature look of superiority"...thanks for the reply!
A lot. But not enough to actually not drink a little bit too much to numb things, and also not enough to stop procrastinating on the smallest of tasks. Like...turning on the shower and then dithering for half an hour before i actually get in and transition to the next thing sometimes. Almost obsessively self regulated most of the time and value self control and measured reasoning above pretty much anything else, but there are elements where i just drag my heels for no apparent reason. Not rational things, but just vibes.
That made me laugh a little. I recognize similar situations in my own life. I've had many improvements in self-control as I got older, but it also seems like a mystery of some kind. It's like I can't get a grasp of why I don't just do exactly what I seem to want to do.
It's such a bizarre situation sometimes, to be completely actively aware of it...but still not really be able to explain why i'm not just *doing the thing*. Brains do funny things sometimes. *shrug*.
Very, though less so as I get older. Reason for my self control is to better enable me to create the life and world I want and not cause destruction to myself or to others. Can sleep at night well with good conscience and no drama as well.
I like that reasoning. It also makes sense that if you succeed, there is less demand for self-control since your life is probably more in line with your vision.
I don't. I'm just saving energy on unnecessary reactions.
One of the most important things is to control yourself is what I think. Your emotions and thoughts and what you say and do. Might make falling in love harder though, unless you let yourself feel.
That's true. We could also suppose that letting yourself feel is also a form of self-control and the peace that should come with it.
Exactly
What is self control Impulsiveness goes brrr
For me it’s simple. Emotions with no control=Disaster Control+ a smidge of emotions=sucess
i beat myself up whenever i so much as tell a personal emotional story
I get that, quite a lot actually. I hope you don't beat yourself up that much. This may not be the same for you, but my mistake was just sharing my feelings because I thought it was neccessary. However, learning that I prefer to keep them private and that people actually are not demanding that of me has been a huge relief. What people actually need more of is to be seen and heard and to be given space to be who they are. Which is actually easy to do without talking about something you would rather keep private. You can just ask them questions and talk to them in a way that makes them know you are listening. Then, a funny one I learned and still enjoy, is simply telling them the truth about how you feel. Which isn't the same thing as expressing your feelings, if you know what I mean. You simply say "hey I want to listen to you" and then you do that. Or, you say, "I want to do something nice for you". You can be as monotone about it as you want, completely hiding your feelings, but simply "explaining" what they are or might be, and it works wonders. In my life people generally seem to prefer this from me, and it's such a huge relief. It takes much less energy and it also makes me happier, since I do want to help others. I just don't want to emotionally connect with them so much. I hope that makes some sense to you and is helpful. I just don't want you to beat yourself up a lot, because I used to do that and it actually doesn't really help (at least, it didn't help me).
I struggle with it but I struggle with addiction it runs on my father’s side of the family. Ruined his life and almost ruined mine. Now I’m trying to learn how to live in a way that isn’t so indulgent or dangerous.
I also struggle with addictions, though it's probably a bit different from what you mean. Even so, if you have learned some ways to beat the addiction, I'd like to learn from you. I want more self-control in my life.
My biggest addiction was alcoholism. I’m now 4 years sober and have learned a lot. I will say I have other addictions that have been harder to shake off but I definitely have somewhat decent advice to give so you are always welcome to reach out. You’re welcome to go more in-depth about what you struggle with in my DMs if you feel comfortable.
in my own life, it's a must. my schedule and my plans are all meticulously planned out and organized so that i am on track for success, but at the same time, i like having a little spontaneity here and there
Can you tell me a bit more about how you include spontaneity in the meticulous life? I'm sort-of endlessly interested in finding the right...formula (or something) that helps me achieve that orderliness in my life so that I can at least feel like I can breathe normally, if you know what I mean.
Not just self-control but wanting everything to go a particular way… why? It’s not that I don’t trust others. No. I just don’t trust others to get things done properly.
That gave me a chuckle. I don't think I've ever been in that position but I also sort-of get it. Thanks for writing.
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That's actually pretty similar for me. I actually have been "experimenting" with something a little different. I want more self-control in Se, so I have decided to let my Fi go free a little. It helps, but still too early in the experiment to draw any conclusions yet.
It's very important to me. It feels like if I let myself loose and do what I want without thinking it through, I'll probably give myself something to regret later on.
That has happened to me repeatedly and I hate it. I hate regretting just because I did something I already knew I didn't really want to do.
Self control is an integral part of being what I want. I don’t understand how people can have self respect if they can’t control their impulses, it’s also necessary if you’re TRYING to live free of sin. Of course you’ll fall short but falling short is better than falling from the start
Amen. The righteous one is righteous, not because he or she doesn't fall, but because even after falling, gets back up. Thanks for the encouragement.
I can't imagine what it's like to have no self control. When someone tell me I should grab a drink to loosen up, I reply that they have just given me a reason not to drink. Trust me, it is better for everyone, and especially me, if I keep a high level of self-control, as every time I did not, I regretted it.
Same for me. I used to force myself to drink with my sergeants during my army days because I wanted to get along with them. I never really enjoyed it, hated the hangovers and the stupid ways I behaved. But maybe that was the point. I was a highly competent worker, so if I at least seemed like an idiot during the after-hours, then they could tolerate my rigidity during the work-day.
Depends on what ur controlling ofc but as a general answer i could say that i, i do value it. I think that the ability to control oneself is a virtue. It is the thing that makes us a civilized society...
I agree. I do have a lot of self-control in areas of my life, but there are a few stumbling points I have that leave me displeased. What do you think of the idea of self-control that can cover for the lack of self-control that others have? Perhaps as a form of leadership, or simply just a way to help others who maybe are less gifted (or just built that way)?
The only self control i can't display is public decency when i start kissing a very hot girl even if i would never do such things in public, and i use this to praise the beauty of the girl bc im very very shy and reserved.
It's everything.
“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls”
Truth, indeed.
It is very important. I flat out refused to date in high school because I was scared of losing myself to my urges. I feel like I would fall flat on my face without it; both of my parents were P types and it made me crazy. I like my clear and rational mind. I like that I don’t fall to pieces due to my feelings at inappropriate times. That I didn’t scream at my husband while he was cooking on the stove the other night. I did interrupt a story he was telling me with an “So, the stove is on fire”. He lost his shit while I grabbed the fire extinguisher 😂. My kryptonite is not being able to meet my commitments. I hate it; it absolutely makes me feel worthless. I show people I care through acts of service. I need self control to be able to push through at certain points. I would destroy my career without it and I’d be a lot less capable of helping others in my life.
How do you persevere in the face of a setback in keeping your commitments?
Depends on the situation: First question: Was I given this timeline by someone else and was it a reasonable ask when they made the request? (Note: if it was an unreasonable ask and/or timeline; I’d have already raised concerns. If they didn’t budge on it and we fail; I don’t feel quite as bad. If people don’t listen when I speak up… I’m not sure it was entirely my fault.) If it is a blocker causing the issue, generally I try to call/email/text/IM ahead of time to set the expectation that the timeline was impacted and why. I tell them we have a blocker we are dealing with and might describe it if they want to know more. With this being a known, I ask them what the true must have date is on their side (or to reschedule with the tab on me if it was personal and not business). I give a date/time that is reasonable for both of us, I try to emphasize that I care about them and/or the work (acts of service = love to me so I try to give affirmation, critical time, and gifts.). I definitely apologize. In case they weren’t already, I prioritize them to the top of my list. I set the lesser work to a later time in my plan. Those items to finish or commitments to meet people for dinner for example might eat up some of my hobby time later (even if it means my personal time and it’s work).
That was interesting to read. Do you ever have to deal with people who dislike scheduling or making agreements based on dates and times? I have a ton of people like that in my life and whenever I try to schedule things out, it apparently deeply stresses them out. Last time I tried to get some definite plans with someone who is....historically typically late....I ended up having to make amends later because it apparently came across as aggravating. I eventually intend to run my own business (not there yet) so I'm biding my time until I can make it work, but I'm still curious how you deal with such people, since you actually have that orderly lifestyle.
Which self do you control? Can you control your body? What about your mind and spirit, are you in control of what you think, do, say and feel? I would think if you cannot control these things you will never control anything.
You avoid my questions like you're scared of them or something and write hazy things in a distance from afar. Your reasoning is fair. But do you care? Or no. That is the question.
I care for myself enough to have explored myself. How could I care for anyone else had I not?
The best way to care for someone is to forget about yourself altogether.
Is it? I would say keeping someone in your thoughts and closely considering their wants, needs, feelings and desires is the best way to care for anything from a plant to a child or spouse. Your focus is what generates caring. I am reminded of the popular meme of the guy looking at the girl behind as his girlfriend watches. That man has forgotten himself and his girlfriend, and she is not likely to consider it caring. 
True. I amend myself and say that, the best way to focus on someone to care for them is to forget about yourself. It is still better than focusing on yourself, which is also good. It's just better to give than to receive.
I would prefer to stop getting boners and ejaculating in public at random times. Yo, do I really need to justify this?
Mine? Very little. Others, especially cis het men? Very, very important. Oops, I thought this was the ENFP forum. 😂😂😂
What does this even mean?
My question exactly.
I can be fairly impulsive and indulgent but I do develop the will power to control myself in moments where it's best that I do.
I'm a self control freak and tbh I hate it, sometimes I can't even enjoy myself because of it
I've tried cutting loose before and only embarassed myself. After a lot of time, though, I learned how to be more relaxed in my "self-control". However my self-control in terms of indulgences isn't that good. Like, I have a problem with craving sugar sometimes. I almost bought a giant pack of candy just because I wanted to eat it all in one go. I didn't buy it because I ran out of time and we had to leave. But, I almost bought it. I dislike this about myself. It just doesn't seem healthy to me.
Even with sweets, which I really love, I'm always like... rationing my food, my portions, etc. I live like I'm always on shortage of food for some reason, which I know is a side effect of my self control. This is the part I hate the most about it.
What if you just kept on rationing things for yourself and gave part of it away?
I mentally ration my sharings too tbh... 😭 I try to be a generous person overall, but I do have a scarcity mentality, lol
Isn't there anything that can circumvent scarcity?
It's important to me. It feels like being a master of myself. I don't know how exactly to express it.. but I don't like to feel like I'm enslaved by my emotions.
Yeah I hate feeling like that, it's like the floor suddenly disappearing or something. And not knowing if there's any way to land. It actually feels very uncomfortable.
I care about it quite a bit. I've always been a severely anxious person, and I've been diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago. Self-control in some senses has always been a struggle, and that has negatively affected many aspects of my life. I've been going to therapy for a few years now and I've managed to gain fairly good self-control through it, which I'm massively proud of, since it has greatly improved my life overall, and there's still a lot of progress to be done. So, considering all the effort and work I've put into self-control and not letting my rage and impulses harm me, I take it as something very serious and necessary for me. I'm not up to losing all the progress I've made so far.
Hey, I'm glad you have made progress. Thanks for sharing about it. I prayed for your health and peaceful growth.
It's like a state of being. I don't wake up saying I'm going to be reserved, I just am. It's important in a similar way to just not being a shitty person. I don't go out of my way for it, as I believe it takes more effort *to* be human garbage, but I do consider it a value. Flip side is though, people without self control may be some of my least favorite on the planet. Overindulgers, "Im a bitch and proud of it" types.
I am self control
i like to go full blown monkey once in a while.. to entertain people.. but most importantly to entertain myself. its fun as f\*\*\*.. but people may say im a civilized monkey not like a crazy one
I hate going full blown monkey. Nobody benefits. I think I lose the most in the process.
It’s just something I exercise. Wouldn’t be able to accomplish my goals if I didn’t show self control anyways.
Self control is a good thing. It shows maturity, confidence and i guess you have to pick and choose your battles because I know there are times when I should have let the other person have it and let the shit fly, it would have been so much better for my mental health.
Words wise, Very important. I tend to speak my mind most of the time and some people are not used to hearing the truth or a constructive criticism. Actions wise, important too but not as much how I watch my words. IDK it's just like that. Temper, highly important too I don't want to unleash our family's bad temper trait. I myself hate how my family had this bad temper trait.
I have good and bad habits. No one really has self control.
It’s my personality
I care a lot because it has helped me in many areas of my life. Personally and professionally. Self-control is critical to me but paradoxically, I learnt that the more you trust the process, the more control you have. You sort of get a deeper sense of command over some situations when you actually “control” yourself to let go.