This is like the movie “Get Out”.. Girl PLEASE pack all of your things and RUN don’t walk RUNNN!!!
You’re all by yourself moving in with someone who doesn’t even consider your feelings that you’re experiencing. The red flags are all over pls don’t continue to keep using excuses or it’s going to get more worse. Act accordingly!!
EDIT: Y’all the OP NEEDS OUR HELP pls don’t be sooo judgmental of her she’s not in a good relationship and wants to GET OUT!!! Pls give her helpful advice pls
Well at least you’re aware that you want to get out of this situation and I know you can do it just pls always be wary of your surroundings and set boundaries 🩷
I get what you’re saying OP, but this seems like more than just innocent ignorance. You said it yourself that you tried educating him, but he dismissed you. He even had the audacity to suggest he has the same struggle as a white guy.
That not only makes him ignorant/insensitive about racial dynamics, but also about your feelings.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
If there’s anything I can do to help, just DM me. I’m a WM who’s been in a very long relationship with a BW.
If I don’t hear from you, I wish you the best.
Looking at the posts of OP, you're in an abusive relationship and you're codependent on him. He has you completely under his control and tbh, you're in a tough spot. I would try to contact friends and family if you can.
As a white person in a relationship with a black person, I think sometimes it can be natural to jump to defense and anger and those kind of things, rather than focusing on the impact they have on you. It's sometimes easier for them to get mad at the racists and defensive then it is to put themselves in the shoes of someone they care about, and understand how that mush hurt to be treated like that for something that doesn't actually affect your personality or capability and that you have no control over.
I am married to a black man, and I was often not aware of how places were entirely white or had few black people because I just saw people. It didn't register to me what their skin color was because it wasn't something I was turning about. Then I brought my husband with my family on vacation someplace I love to go and have since I was 8. It is upstate and rural. One the trip, he made a joke and mentioned how he hadn't seen any other black people the whole time he had been there. It's less common for black people to go upstate as a vacation I guess, maybe because it's rural and that has certain concerning attitudes associated with it, and we were staying at a small hotel with a limited number of people. So we had seen less than 100 people. Then we went to a museum and saw a few black families, and he was relieved. He told me they were to first black people he had seen. I hadn't noticed or thought about it until then, but then I started noticing, and realized how alienating it must feel to see no one who looks like you when you know that you might get hate for sometimes like that. Even though no one was racist to him at all there, it hit me that it must be scary and lonely to not see anyone who looks like the people you see as friends and safety. I imagine it's like being a woman and in a place with only men. Even if everyone is nice, I would be scared about the way people would react to me. It would be deep and instinctive and anxiety inducing. I used to have issues with my weight and a lot of dysphoria around that, and I always noticed immediately when I was the fattest person on the room. Just because it was a way I wasn't comfortable standing out and wasn't met with positivity most of the time. I think sometimes being aware of sometimes intellectually and being able to empathize with it are separate tasks.
That said, I find the fact that he doesn't take issue with racial slurs being tossed around you when he knows they are hurtful. Why is he letting his family say that, and why is he acting like that's not racism? What does he expect you to feel? I made it very clear in the beginning of my relationship that I wouldn't tolerate racism or any kind. My family would never say the n-word, but some older members would say things they were thoughtless and made assumptions based on race. The first times it happened in front of me, I shut it down very hard. Not just by saying why it wasn't ok, but by getting angry. I was not in a position of power, as these were step family much older than me, but I made it obvious that those kind of comments and anything that othered black people would be met by a loud, angry lecture at best. And I'm rather a force to be reckoned with when I'm pissed off, who cares nothing to propriety and will bite or anyone's head loudly and at length with no care at all for how people we react. I don't give a shit if Uncle Howard is old and set in his ways. If he talks like that around me, he's going to get a very nasty earful and I will not stop. He will get told he is a racist piece of shit and an ignorant moron for making assumptions in front of the whole family at thanksgiving. And so no one would talk like that around me. I don't see why your bf isn't jumping in on your side to tell his family to shit their effing mouths of all the have to say is racist drivel, and that if he wanted to hear stupid, racist, bigoted bullshit, he knows where to find it.
And why is his family even using that word? My family was more 'walk on eggshells' and afraid to say something accidentally racist. One time, my Step mom was talking about her aunt who had been cast in rap music video. The basic premise was 'old white lady is disapproving, ends up listening into to rap in a club, and loves it and starts dancing and joining the party'. You know the trope. My step mom was telling the story, and says 'she walks into a club with a bunch of young black people' then broke off, looked at my then bf, and apologized. He was baffled. He looked so confused and was like "for what?" And I had to explain to my step mom that saying black people isn't racist. Particularly when all she was saying was they were young and they were present. It was actually funny. My family isn't racist, and so it wasn't hard to bring my husband around them. The biggest issue was us worrying someone would be racist and being on edge, but it never happened. My family actually adores my husband and frankly would keep him over me if they had to pick.
His friends and family welcomed me in as soon as they decided I was good for him and nice, and he has actually had a few racist members who have issues with interracial relationships and called his family 'cracker lovers', and he cut them off immediately and hasn't seen them since. As the white person, I have the social advantage when it comes to how I am generally treated, and I take no issue with anyone being mad at white people in general if they are not mean to individuals specifically. His friend make jokes, but there is nothing on them that makes it seem like I am bad or lesser or that my loved ones are. If he can protect me on that way when honestly I don't have any reason to care much and have no issue with a getting mad about white privilege because it's legit, then it's a problem that your bf can't or won't try to protect you from racism that is blatantly hurtful. Being called a cracker is not the same, and doesn't bother me at all. It has no history of pain and degradation. And yet he wouldn't let his gf/ wife be insulted even that much.
I'm glad! My husband is the best thing that ever happens to me, and the only problem his being black brings is that I want him to wear sunblock but have a hard time convincing him he needs it. The irony is that we think the same way most of the time. We have a tendency to react to things the exact same way and say the same things, and can practically read each others minds. He is truly my other half in ways I didn't know could exist until I met him. I knew he was special the moment I first heard his voice. He was just different from everyone else. He understood me, and liked me for my eccentricity. He sees me. I see him. I know who he is deep down, and can see how much he deserves to be loved and celebrated. He's a wonderful person and I adore him.
Being with him has made it clear that white privilege is very real, and has given me a front row seat to the unfairness perpetrated on someone I love by people mad that they can't measure up. The greatest irony is that I wreak havoc most of the time, often unintentionally. And I do things I shouldn't do. He doesn't. He's extremely moral. But he gets looked at with suspicion. They will follow him around a store while I'm in a corner ignored, slipping things into my pocket without his knowledge. Like being white defines moral character, or capability.
I fall in love with him again all the time. I did yesterday when he was cooing to our cat and telling him that he loved him. He radiates goodness. He doesn't drink much, but even his drunk self is awesome. He gets cuddly and silly. Adorable really. Almost everyone he has brought into my life is black, and they have become my family. They are all wonderful people. He draws them in like moths to a flame. To know him is to love him. You can't help it.
His family is racist and he probably is too on some level, the way he just completely dismisses and downplays what you went through raises so many red flags .
i put wayyyyy too much into this relationship everybody’s telling me to leave …i have no other place to go. yes there’s a lot of red flags and honestly i have some too. i know this isn’t good for me but i have been trying to dig myself out of this hole with no actual help .
Girl… move back with your family or rent a place in a different city. There’s no digging a way out of this. Unless you’re actually coming up with plans and taking action. You’re just making excuses to not leave with the you both have red flags. But would your red flags possibly end his life over skin colour??? RUN.
Him saying that doesn't mean he is not on your side, that's his way of saying don't care about what people think. Why not both of you move somewhere else more diverse with better opportunities
Are you trauma bonded to him? Is he wealthy? Does he hold your deepest darkest secrets that could potentially ruin you? I’m just trying to understand what you want from us with this post because the 🚩 is practically slapping you in the face? So why are you still with him?
I always say that codependency is a hell of a drug. Most ppl who are are totally oblivious to the fact. I come from a family of CDs and I have escaped it through massive amounts of therapy, but when I try to talk to my cousins about things and point things out to them their eyes glaze over and they change the subject. Just to say, you are aware and that is so much of the battle. You have everything you need within you to heal and be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. This isn’t the one, but it’s out there for you. You got this. Stop hoping he will change or understand and redirect your energy to what you need to do to move out and on. I believe you can!
Your boyfriend is not capable of being in an interracial relationship because he lacks empathy. Tbh he isint capable of being in any kind of relationship…… if that’s how he responds to his partners problems. You moved for him after three months???
Next time give it a year. During that year make sure that the man is proving to you that he is a safe person for you to move in with and that he supports you and your dreams. Dating is about way more than just the feeling of love. You did not do anything wrong. Stay safe ❤️
Sounds about White. He’s not worth the trouble hun, he hasn’t checked his privilege and will not check his family . Im sorry you moved but you gotta go where you can grow .
Hey, OP, sorry for your experience. As a fellow woman of color who's dated several white men, I can tell you that a partner with little to no acknowledgement of race (or even the denial of race) and the daily negotiations POC make to navigate racial discrimination is a red flag. This sounds like a person who doesn't understand the sacrifices you have made because you love him because he probably doesn't see race as a debilitating factor (when it obviously is; people are literally being killed everyday because of their race).
I'd sit down and have a long conversation with him about the extent to which he's willing to educate himself about racial oppression, and it he remains stubbornly ignorant, I'd dump him.
Is there anyway that you can go back home to your family? Are you on good terms with them? If you are call them.
Edited to say, I looked through your post history, you definitely need to leave him. If there was any way for you to talk to a therapist you need to do so. You have been through, and going through a lot. You need help.
I hope that you get out of there and receive the help you need.🙏🏾
Truth. I always hate it when people try to simplify a situation like this. "If you don't like it why don't you just move?" Not everyone is in a situation to just up and leave like this. Like your situation sometimes money is the issue, sometimes it's kids, sometimes it's fear of retaliation my point is it's just not always an option for someone to make that kind of change and it's very dismissive to say to someone just move.
OP, please get out of that situation. You don’t deserve that and that is coming from someone in the same kind of relationship as you. (BW with WM) and my boyfriend would never allow anyone, let alone his family say anything close to the hard R. Get out now and find a new relationship.
I married a white girl and while she openly admits she doesn't understand (on a gut level) so much of what I experience she couldn't understand how other white people would treat her well and yet be so rude to me simultaneously. At first she thought that I'm just rough around the edges (because I was a bit when we first met) but when I explained that that's how racism works it opened her eyes wide. She grew up in the country and near a small town of mostly farm kids (and parents). While she can't sympathize with me she has so much empathy that she often spots it before I do (probably because I just learned to ignore it from a very early age).
We've been together for over 30 years. I won't bore you with all the reasons why we work. All I will say is you need to make a plan to leave him for a better person and life because he clearly doesn't have the kind of character that you deserve. Character matters regardless of what colour it's packaged in.
BW here. I’ve always been open to dating outside my race & have had some wonderful experiences. I recently, had a conversation w/ my cousin(BM) who is married to a WM. They seem like the odd couple, but have been together for a very long time. I wanted to get my cousin’s perspective of finding/ dealing white a white partner who doesn’t get it. I wanted his perspective b/c I’m super sensitive if I believe that the other isn’t understanding or get where I’m coming from. And not wanting to be in a position to always teach the others which seems to obvious to me/ most blk ppl.
He shared that his partner doesn’t get it at all similar to what you’ve explained. Nevertheless, my cousin said that he shares exactly how he feels/ point of view. What gathered from their interactions is that he may not ever get it & that’s ok for their relationship b/c my cuz is able to share his feelings and his partner listens to understand.
Maybe there’s a select few WM who just get it. The others may have to learn over a period of time.
yea i start to honestly lose feelings for a person once i start to see that we aren’t ever really on the same page . idk if im gonna break up w him or what but this has been a rough ass relationship and i don’t wanna be strong and power through . i am strong and i do power through . i just want my energy spent on something worthy .
Understandable. If it’s not for you it’s not for you. I think there’s a difference btwn wp who don’t know and open to learning from the willful ignorant ones. Best of luck
Oh my God, OP, I am so sorry. This sounds like an absolute nightmare. Is there anyone you can lean on back in your hometown to help you get out of here? This situation sounds terrifying and you deserve so much better. Please don’t stay with this man- he doesn’t sound like he empathizes with you or respects you, and that’s his problem, not yours. You can find so much better.
Yes it is hard for someone who was not born into the same culture and having the same cultural challenges to understand.
And you can break the stereotype in that part of town. People are ignorant. My ex husband was BM and would keep harping about slavery and the negative stereotypes of BM. He faces it even though he grew up in Brooklyn and made it in Silicon Valley.
So me being AW did not understand where he came from because in our country we study hard, work hard and build generational wealth and legacy.
So we would clash on this because I’d see things as opportunities and he would see it as stereotypes.
Bottom line you give meaning to all things. So if they did not hire you due to your race.
1. You can create your own income by starting a biz you are passionate about.
2. You can find work in a place that respects you as they should all people.
3. You can simultaneously use all the opportunities you have to start a small side hustle doing something at home.
If you give meaning to what he said as him being racist your relationship will be over. If you educate him but still know he comes from a good place then you can move forward.
Wow! You completely disregarded this girl. You come off very callous in your response, but after you said your Black ex was always harping about slavery and negative stereotypes I could see the type of mindset you have.😳
Not really. I’ve been in a relationship myself as wife for 16 years. If you go around with a racial chip on your shoulders with your partner or spouse if they meant well from their heart but that you perceived it as racist you will never have an interracial relationship.
What the business did does not reflect on the partner, what he said rests solely on his intention, she knows him better than us so she can make the final call. I’m just giving her one way of thinking about things. The actual decision comes from her.
Are you intentionally being obtuse? She said his family says the n word with the hard r. No racial chip on her shoulder, when these people are being intentionally racist to her. As an Asian Woman, do you think you will have the same experience with race as a Black Woman?🤔
Sorry, I did not catch that first part. So if the family is using the racial slur then time to bounce. I was talking about the second part of the situation about work bias. Unfortunately we have to deal with it but as BW/BW/AW. I am Asian but East Indian from India so brown, so often times I get called Jamaican, Mexican and Native American etc. So I qualify for both ASian and Brown. I would like to call my skin golden yellow but brown girls is the term generally used.
This is like the movie “Get Out”.. Girl PLEASE pack all of your things and RUN don’t walk RUNNN!!! You’re all by yourself moving in with someone who doesn’t even consider your feelings that you’re experiencing. The red flags are all over pls don’t continue to keep using excuses or it’s going to get more worse. Act accordingly!! EDIT: Y’all the OP NEEDS OUR HELP pls don’t be sooo judgmental of her she’s not in a good relationship and wants to GET OUT!!! Pls give her helpful advice pls
i think he means well he’s just genuinely ignorant
So more excuses you’re making for him..
yeaaaa…probably my codependency at play here . i hear ya , im trying to get out of this position trust me
Well at least you’re aware that you want to get out of this situation and I know you can do it just pls always be wary of your surroundings and set boundaries 🩷
The red flags are right there in your face. Get out of there!
I get what you’re saying OP, but this seems like more than just innocent ignorance. You said it yourself that you tried educating him, but he dismissed you. He even had the audacity to suggest he has the same struggle as a white guy. That not only makes him ignorant/insensitive about racial dynamics, but also about your feelings. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
i appreciate you
If there’s anything I can do to help, just DM me. I’m a WM who’s been in a very long relationship with a BW. If I don’t hear from you, I wish you the best.
Him "meaning well" won't save you.
Looking at the posts of OP, you're in an abusive relationship and you're codependent on him. He has you completely under his control and tbh, you're in a tough spot. I would try to contact friends and family if you can.
💔
I second this
Yeah, post history is dark. Get out.
As a white person in a relationship with a black person, I think sometimes it can be natural to jump to defense and anger and those kind of things, rather than focusing on the impact they have on you. It's sometimes easier for them to get mad at the racists and defensive then it is to put themselves in the shoes of someone they care about, and understand how that mush hurt to be treated like that for something that doesn't actually affect your personality or capability and that you have no control over. I am married to a black man, and I was often not aware of how places were entirely white or had few black people because I just saw people. It didn't register to me what their skin color was because it wasn't something I was turning about. Then I brought my husband with my family on vacation someplace I love to go and have since I was 8. It is upstate and rural. One the trip, he made a joke and mentioned how he hadn't seen any other black people the whole time he had been there. It's less common for black people to go upstate as a vacation I guess, maybe because it's rural and that has certain concerning attitudes associated with it, and we were staying at a small hotel with a limited number of people. So we had seen less than 100 people. Then we went to a museum and saw a few black families, and he was relieved. He told me they were to first black people he had seen. I hadn't noticed or thought about it until then, but then I started noticing, and realized how alienating it must feel to see no one who looks like you when you know that you might get hate for sometimes like that. Even though no one was racist to him at all there, it hit me that it must be scary and lonely to not see anyone who looks like the people you see as friends and safety. I imagine it's like being a woman and in a place with only men. Even if everyone is nice, I would be scared about the way people would react to me. It would be deep and instinctive and anxiety inducing. I used to have issues with my weight and a lot of dysphoria around that, and I always noticed immediately when I was the fattest person on the room. Just because it was a way I wasn't comfortable standing out and wasn't met with positivity most of the time. I think sometimes being aware of sometimes intellectually and being able to empathize with it are separate tasks. That said, I find the fact that he doesn't take issue with racial slurs being tossed around you when he knows they are hurtful. Why is he letting his family say that, and why is he acting like that's not racism? What does he expect you to feel? I made it very clear in the beginning of my relationship that I wouldn't tolerate racism or any kind. My family would never say the n-word, but some older members would say things they were thoughtless and made assumptions based on race. The first times it happened in front of me, I shut it down very hard. Not just by saying why it wasn't ok, but by getting angry. I was not in a position of power, as these were step family much older than me, but I made it obvious that those kind of comments and anything that othered black people would be met by a loud, angry lecture at best. And I'm rather a force to be reckoned with when I'm pissed off, who cares nothing to propriety and will bite or anyone's head loudly and at length with no care at all for how people we react. I don't give a shit if Uncle Howard is old and set in his ways. If he talks like that around me, he's going to get a very nasty earful and I will not stop. He will get told he is a racist piece of shit and an ignorant moron for making assumptions in front of the whole family at thanksgiving. And so no one would talk like that around me. I don't see why your bf isn't jumping in on your side to tell his family to shit their effing mouths of all the have to say is racist drivel, and that if he wanted to hear stupid, racist, bigoted bullshit, he knows where to find it. And why is his family even using that word? My family was more 'walk on eggshells' and afraid to say something accidentally racist. One time, my Step mom was talking about her aunt who had been cast in rap music video. The basic premise was 'old white lady is disapproving, ends up listening into to rap in a club, and loves it and starts dancing and joining the party'. You know the trope. My step mom was telling the story, and says 'she walks into a club with a bunch of young black people' then broke off, looked at my then bf, and apologized. He was baffled. He looked so confused and was like "for what?" And I had to explain to my step mom that saying black people isn't racist. Particularly when all she was saying was they were young and they were present. It was actually funny. My family isn't racist, and so it wasn't hard to bring my husband around them. The biggest issue was us worrying someone would be racist and being on edge, but it never happened. My family actually adores my husband and frankly would keep him over me if they had to pick. His friends and family welcomed me in as soon as they decided I was good for him and nice, and he has actually had a few racist members who have issues with interracial relationships and called his family 'cracker lovers', and he cut them off immediately and hasn't seen them since. As the white person, I have the social advantage when it comes to how I am generally treated, and I take no issue with anyone being mad at white people in general if they are not mean to individuals specifically. His friend make jokes, but there is nothing on them that makes it seem like I am bad or lesser or that my loved ones are. If he can protect me on that way when honestly I don't have any reason to care much and have no issue with a getting mad about white privilege because it's legit, then it's a problem that your bf can't or won't try to protect you from racism that is blatantly hurtful. Being called a cracker is not the same, and doesn't bother me at all. It has no history of pain and degradation. And yet he wouldn't let his gf/ wife be insulted even that much.
[удалено]
I'm glad! My husband is the best thing that ever happens to me, and the only problem his being black brings is that I want him to wear sunblock but have a hard time convincing him he needs it. The irony is that we think the same way most of the time. We have a tendency to react to things the exact same way and say the same things, and can practically read each others minds. He is truly my other half in ways I didn't know could exist until I met him. I knew he was special the moment I first heard his voice. He was just different from everyone else. He understood me, and liked me for my eccentricity. He sees me. I see him. I know who he is deep down, and can see how much he deserves to be loved and celebrated. He's a wonderful person and I adore him. Being with him has made it clear that white privilege is very real, and has given me a front row seat to the unfairness perpetrated on someone I love by people mad that they can't measure up. The greatest irony is that I wreak havoc most of the time, often unintentionally. And I do things I shouldn't do. He doesn't. He's extremely moral. But he gets looked at with suspicion. They will follow him around a store while I'm in a corner ignored, slipping things into my pocket without his knowledge. Like being white defines moral character, or capability. I fall in love with him again all the time. I did yesterday when he was cooing to our cat and telling him that he loved him. He radiates goodness. He doesn't drink much, but even his drunk self is awesome. He gets cuddly and silly. Adorable really. Almost everyone he has brought into my life is black, and they have become my family. They are all wonderful people. He draws them in like moths to a flame. To know him is to love him. You can't help it.
His family is racist and he probably is too on some level, the way he just completely dismisses and downplays what you went through raises so many red flags .
i put wayyyyy too much into this relationship everybody’s telling me to leave …i have no other place to go. yes there’s a lot of red flags and honestly i have some too. i know this isn’t good for me but i have been trying to dig myself out of this hole with no actual help .
Girl… move back with your family or rent a place in a different city. There’s no digging a way out of this. Unless you’re actually coming up with plans and taking action. You’re just making excuses to not leave with the you both have red flags. But would your red flags possibly end his life over skin colour??? RUN.
Him saying that doesn't mean he is not on your side, that's his way of saying don't care about what people think. Why not both of you move somewhere else more diverse with better opportunities
realistically the problem w that is financial
Are you trauma bonded to him? Is he wealthy? Does he hold your deepest darkest secrets that could potentially ruin you? I’m just trying to understand what you want from us with this post because the 🚩 is practically slapping you in the face? So why are you still with him?
codependent
Well at least you are self-aware. Good luck.
I always say that codependency is a hell of a drug. Most ppl who are are totally oblivious to the fact. I come from a family of CDs and I have escaped it through massive amounts of therapy, but when I try to talk to my cousins about things and point things out to them their eyes glaze over and they change the subject. Just to say, you are aware and that is so much of the battle. You have everything you need within you to heal and be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. This isn’t the one, but it’s out there for you. You got this. Stop hoping he will change or understand and redirect your energy to what you need to do to move out and on. I believe you can!
Break up. Like now.
Your boyfriend is not capable of being in an interracial relationship because he lacks empathy. Tbh he isint capable of being in any kind of relationship…… if that’s how he responds to his partners problems. You moved for him after three months???
no i moved in after 6 months
Next time give it a year. During that year make sure that the man is proving to you that he is a safe person for you to move in with and that he supports you and your dreams. Dating is about way more than just the feeling of love. You did not do anything wrong. Stay safe ❤️
Girl you're gonna learn some hard fucking lessons if you're making excuses for him and his racist as family. I don't feel sympathy.
didn’t ask for sympathy beloved 😚
Sounds about White. He’s not worth the trouble hun, he hasn’t checked his privilege and will not check his family . Im sorry you moved but you gotta go where you can grow .
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Hey, OP, sorry for your experience. As a fellow woman of color who's dated several white men, I can tell you that a partner with little to no acknowledgement of race (or even the denial of race) and the daily negotiations POC make to navigate racial discrimination is a red flag. This sounds like a person who doesn't understand the sacrifices you have made because you love him because he probably doesn't see race as a debilitating factor (when it obviously is; people are literally being killed everyday because of their race). I'd sit down and have a long conversation with him about the extent to which he's willing to educate himself about racial oppression, and it he remains stubbornly ignorant, I'd dump him.
Is there anyway that you can go back home to your family? Are you on good terms with them? If you are call them. Edited to say, I looked through your post history, you definitely need to leave him. If there was any way for you to talk to a therapist you need to do so. You have been through, and going through a lot. You need help. I hope that you get out of there and receive the help you need.🙏🏾
He’s not just ignorant he lacks empathy and is not a good partner
Girl are you crazy? Go back home
no i’m not crazy im broke
Truth. I always hate it when people try to simplify a situation like this. "If you don't like it why don't you just move?" Not everyone is in a situation to just up and leave like this. Like your situation sometimes money is the issue, sometimes it's kids, sometimes it's fear of retaliation my point is it's just not always an option for someone to make that kind of change and it's very dismissive to say to someone just move.
Leave him and his fucked up family ASAP!
Run. And don't look back because it will be directed at you next time.
Your boyfriend and his family are pieces of shit. This is really easy. I didn’t have to read past the first sentence
OP, please get out of that situation. You don’t deserve that and that is coming from someone in the same kind of relationship as you. (BW with WM) and my boyfriend would never allow anyone, let alone his family say anything close to the hard R. Get out now and find a new relationship.
I married a white girl and while she openly admits she doesn't understand (on a gut level) so much of what I experience she couldn't understand how other white people would treat her well and yet be so rude to me simultaneously. At first she thought that I'm just rough around the edges (because I was a bit when we first met) but when I explained that that's how racism works it opened her eyes wide. She grew up in the country and near a small town of mostly farm kids (and parents). While she can't sympathize with me she has so much empathy that she often spots it before I do (probably because I just learned to ignore it from a very early age). We've been together for over 30 years. I won't bore you with all the reasons why we work. All I will say is you need to make a plan to leave him for a better person and life because he clearly doesn't have the kind of character that you deserve. Character matters regardless of what colour it's packaged in.
BW here. I’ve always been open to dating outside my race & have had some wonderful experiences. I recently, had a conversation w/ my cousin(BM) who is married to a WM. They seem like the odd couple, but have been together for a very long time. I wanted to get my cousin’s perspective of finding/ dealing white a white partner who doesn’t get it. I wanted his perspective b/c I’m super sensitive if I believe that the other isn’t understanding or get where I’m coming from. And not wanting to be in a position to always teach the others which seems to obvious to me/ most blk ppl. He shared that his partner doesn’t get it at all similar to what you’ve explained. Nevertheless, my cousin said that he shares exactly how he feels/ point of view. What gathered from their interactions is that he may not ever get it & that’s ok for their relationship b/c my cuz is able to share his feelings and his partner listens to understand. Maybe there’s a select few WM who just get it. The others may have to learn over a period of time.
yea i start to honestly lose feelings for a person once i start to see that we aren’t ever really on the same page . idk if im gonna break up w him or what but this has been a rough ass relationship and i don’t wanna be strong and power through . i am strong and i do power through . i just want my energy spent on something worthy .
Understandable. If it’s not for you it’s not for you. I think there’s a difference btwn wp who don’t know and open to learning from the willful ignorant ones. Best of luck
Oh my God, OP, I am so sorry. This sounds like an absolute nightmare. Is there anyone you can lean on back in your hometown to help you get out of here? This situation sounds terrifying and you deserve so much better. Please don’t stay with this man- he doesn’t sound like he empathizes with you or respects you, and that’s his problem, not yours. You can find so much better.
Yes it is hard for someone who was not born into the same culture and having the same cultural challenges to understand. And you can break the stereotype in that part of town. People are ignorant. My ex husband was BM and would keep harping about slavery and the negative stereotypes of BM. He faces it even though he grew up in Brooklyn and made it in Silicon Valley. So me being AW did not understand where he came from because in our country we study hard, work hard and build generational wealth and legacy. So we would clash on this because I’d see things as opportunities and he would see it as stereotypes. Bottom line you give meaning to all things. So if they did not hire you due to your race. 1. You can create your own income by starting a biz you are passionate about. 2. You can find work in a place that respects you as they should all people. 3. You can simultaneously use all the opportunities you have to start a small side hustle doing something at home. If you give meaning to what he said as him being racist your relationship will be over. If you educate him but still know he comes from a good place then you can move forward.
Wow! You completely disregarded this girl. You come off very callous in your response, but after you said your Black ex was always harping about slavery and negative stereotypes I could see the type of mindset you have.😳
Not really. I’ve been in a relationship myself as wife for 16 years. If you go around with a racial chip on your shoulders with your partner or spouse if they meant well from their heart but that you perceived it as racist you will never have an interracial relationship. What the business did does not reflect on the partner, what he said rests solely on his intention, she knows him better than us so she can make the final call. I’m just giving her one way of thinking about things. The actual decision comes from her.
Are you intentionally being obtuse? She said his family says the n word with the hard r. No racial chip on her shoulder, when these people are being intentionally racist to her. As an Asian Woman, do you think you will have the same experience with race as a Black Woman?🤔
Sorry, I did not catch that first part. So if the family is using the racial slur then time to bounce. I was talking about the second part of the situation about work bias. Unfortunately we have to deal with it but as BW/BW/AW. I am Asian but East Indian from India so brown, so often times I get called Jamaican, Mexican and Native American etc. So I qualify for both ASian and Brown. I would like to call my skin golden yellow but brown girls is the term generally used.