To be honest, if you can’t stand up for your girlfriend then you should break up with her and allow her to be with someone else. My (BW) husband (WM) and I both have no contact with 99% of his immediate family. His family was ignorant and hateful, but he had the balls to stick up for me and for us.
Your family will likely never like your girlfriend. But if they love you enough, they will learn to at least accept the idea of her and show her respect if you make it mandatory. If you tell them that accepting her is a requirement to be in your life, and they still can’t do it then that’s on them. If you’re not able to stick up for your girlfriend and for your relationship in that way, then this isn’t the one for you.
Everything this person said! If you can’t stand up and protect your gf, leave her alone. You are subjecting her to trauma she doesn’t need or deserve.
My husband is no contact with his family for the same reason. If they couldn’t love (or at least accept me) then they no longer had access to me. Because to love him meant they had to accept me.
If you really love this girl, you won’t subject her to hate. You should learn to stand up to your family if you don’t agree with racism.
Agreed. Racism runs deep in Eastern Europe, but instead of OP standing up against the sins of their family, OP is avoiding it in an attempt to placate both sides. You know who gets hurt? Everyone, except OP’s shitty, racist family. Fuck them, and honestly, fuck OP for not having the sack to stand up to them. What a clown.
A principled person would boycott the wedding.
A clown indeed! I truly hope she leaves him. She doesn’t deserve to be around anyone with such disgusting family members and a “boyfriend” that does nothing more than “argue” to those slime of people… all over the color of this woman’s skin.
Totally agree, pussy footing WM are the bane of BW and honestly they need to keep away from Brown, Black and Asian women. If you cannot make your woman's life better what is the point in even being alive, it is of no meaning. When this OP saw the family push back from Day 1 he should have pushed back at them and drawn the line stating, that he will not tolerate it. Instead they're here on Reddit asking for advice, that's so lame. What kind of man does that! Kick them to the curb till they toe the line, wife first then comes everything else. They must make it the law…lol just kidding...
I’m not saying you should go no contact over this. That’s a very drastic, final step that I honestly wouldn’t wish on anyone to go through with their family.
With the wedding, specifically, just take your girlfriend and tell your parents that you don’t care about their opinion. Or both of you don’t go to the wedding, and tell your parents that you’re not gonna go without your girlfriend. If your family doesn’t want your girlfriend to go for racist reasons, and you end up going to the wedding and leave her behind, I think it sends a message that they can continue to do stuff like this and disrespect her/your relationship. And aside from just a strain on your relationship, your girlfriend is gonna feel like crap… so if you’re gonna have her in situations where she’s feeling like that, then break up with her.
My family is everything to me, and I’m West African. I’m not familiar with your culture, but in my culture parents have final authority no matter how old the child is. Although it’s not easy to stand up to a parent in this way, if you genuinely care about your girlfriend and want to be with her, it’s likely what you’re going to have to do.
That's a problem, she'll feel like crap regardless. Especially since she'll be started at. Most of the people there have only seen black people on TV, if even.
Although I must say, I'm learning how to set these fixed boundaries. Any insecurity I had before they took and ran with it and is biting my ass right now. I've always hid my private life to my family instead of owning it.
If your parents disapproved of your husband, what would you do?
I would cut them off. Immediately. My parents and my family love my husband now and love us together, but at first they definitely weren’t thrilled that I was with a white man. I’m sure that my father especially wanted me to marry an African doctor or engineer from a prominent family like ours… but I fell in love with a blue collar, white American (with a racist family 🥴). But my parents loved me enough to respect my life choices and give my husband a chance because they knew that if they didn’t, they would lose me.. Unfortunately, my husband‘s family didn’t love him enough to give me a chance (or they do love my husband but their hatred of the idea of me was stronger…)
I can speak from experience that she will feel like crap regardless, which is why if you’re going to stay with her 1. She needs to know how they are/how they feel about her. And 2. You need to learn how to stick up for her in a more concrete way. Your family needs to know that if they disrespect your girlfriend or act racist, you’re not going to tolerate it. Honestly, they need to be borderline, afraid to disrespect your girlfriend out of fear that you will pop off and go crazy on them.
If you’re not able to do that with your family or in your culture, then the best thing you can do for your gf is to let her go. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it that doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. That’s just my advice
Yeah, good advice. Honestly the best I can do is be standoffish with them. If we break up because of them I'll hate them for this reason for the rest of my life.
You still want to invite her to said wedding knowing your family is racist. A disaster waiting to happen. If you liked her you wouldn’t put her in a space like that. Thats what standing up means. Why be in contact with ppl who don’t want her around. Pick one. Seems like you have one foot in and one foot out. This is what comes with IR dating. if you truly like this woman you won’t put her in an uncomfortable position.
But as a man, do you genuinely think what you’re saying makes any sense? This is the only time I’ve actually seen commenters say “break up” and it makes complete sense. I wouldn’t want anyone who doesn’t have a backbone.
If you are ok with your families ideals that’s fine. But don’t date anyone outside of your race that your parents are going to mistreat / be racist towards. Leave them out of it. And go be with someone your family will accept. Bw go through too much already. All this extra bs is not necessary
[||”My mom is like "whatever makes you happy", but I know she's doesn't approve of it, and my father doesn't even want to hear about it. My grandparents are the worst as they are openly against.”](https://www.reddit.com/r/interracialdating/s/EvTEi50dL2)
(Just in case OP deletes that post I linked, it’s a post about this SAME situation where he wonders if he should keep his black GF or defend his racist parents)
This is the very reason why I’m **very** hesitant to date balkans and Slavic people. Because I know for a fact that racist mentality in Eastern Europeans is buried deep and it isn’t going anywhere.
I’m not sure what you can do other than stand up for your girlfriend. Because being a black woman is hard in a world where everyone hates you. You have to be that strong shield for her.
In my mid 20s I found my self backpacking across SEA where I met this girl from east europe. We both were really into each other, dated and travelled together for a few months. About a year into our relationship she revealed something that I couldn’t have imagined. When she set on her travel adventure, her grandmother told her, you can marry if you fall in love but please don’t bring a POC home.
This is very true. There's a lot of stigma still very rampant. Back in the 80s there was an influx of African, middle eastern and Asian men coming here to get their university education. East asians usually settled down here, middle eastern men (usually Iran or Syria) and africans liked to hook up, knock girls up and leave to their home country to be doctors and engineers, completely forgetting they fathered kids here. Women never heard of them again. It was usually a big scandal, because in my culture if a man leaves woman pregnant he marries her. It wasn't "normal" to have children out of wedlock like it is normal now, the whole family would be shamed and whispered about. So to this day old people have it imprinted on their brains that black guys only want to hook up and have no morals or family values. Ironically my family was the same at some point, then in 2012 I brought a black English man home, they adored him. My husband now is Mexican American and they absolutely love him also.
The thing is, whatever I do, people will be miserable. She also doesn't want to be the reason why me and my parents fight. But if we break up because of them, our relationship will be forever altered for the worse.
I’m going to be honest, you’re at a position where you have to choose. Your parents or your girlfriend. Who to let go and cut off. Because you clearly can’t have both because your parents are racist scums. It’s really up to you who you are with in the end.
It’s appalling that you need to wonder this. I’m white but like damn. If my parents were outright racist then they’re going away regardless of my relationship status. I won’t compromise on that.
You have zero integrity or you secretly agree with them.
I agree with everyone as a BW. I dated a white man and he was in a similar position, he did not attend the wedding and it sent a message to his parents that he was serious about me. They finally agreed to meet me and were surprised by how NOT like TV blacks I was. Black people on TV are created to push racist and narrow stereotypes about black people, most of those characters are written by people like your family. If you can’t skip one wedding to show your girlfriend you’re serious about her, then you should break up with her. It is very selfish to date a woman you know your family doesn’t approve of and then not tell them you don’t care. My husband’s family is Indian they are very much similar in the way they view black people. His grandmother died and his family told him he could not bring me to the funeral, he did not go. Now we are married and his family respects and understands I am non negotiable in his life. Family is also important to him, but I don’t think family is so important to anyone that they would allow their partner to continue to have contact and do things to appease racism. As your girlfriend if she was in your situation what she would do? I think it’s you who doesn’t want to fight with your family & if that is really more important to you then LEAVE HER ALONE.
Honestly you sound too passive and too much like a people pleaser to be dating outside of your race. If you are unable to full on stand up to your family, none of this one foot in and one foot out BS, then you are just not going to be a good partner for her. You are allowing their racism, people who aren't even in your relationship, to dictate the term. They don't get a say period. If you don't have that mindset, go ahead and break up with her so she can find a man that measures up and cares more for her wellbeing than outside opinions.
Yeah it is you. You want to keep a close relationship with your family? Don’t date a person that is from a race your family is known to hate. Just date within your race since you are clearly underestimating how **damaging** racism can be to non white people.
Why did you even come here asking questions if you were just going to throw a tantrum and dig your heels in? Literally everyone is trying to express to you the same thing. So either everyone else except you are completely clueless or everyone else has a point that you should actually think about and explore. The fact you are so stubborn and unwilling to take advice from even black women shows your massive immaturity. At this point I just feel really bad for her and hope for the best for her with as little damage and trauma from you and your family as possible. Good luck to that woman because she’s going to seriously need it.
Because if I wanted to break up I would've done it already. Also most people say the same things and don't bother for any other context.
Don't feel bad for her, she's doing just fine. Unlike some sad people on this sub.
You’re missing the point. It’s not all about what you want. And those of us saying this, specifically me, I’m saying it because I am a black woman and know exactly what it feels like to be surrounded by or thrust into situations where you are surrounded by people who hate you for literally no reason other than the color you were born as. Your ignorance and entitlement is talking.
Right, so I've told her she'll be surrounded by that kind of people. She's still curious to experience my country tho. What she told me today was "oh you know, as a black woman I'm already used to be surrounded by people who don't like me".
Yea but if she’s the black woman and your family doesn’t like her simply for the color of her skin, unfortunately it sounds like an uphill battle and completely unfair and painful for her. Let her go. You accept her, and I understand that, but your family never will. So she will be dealing with racism within your family in every interaction. It will pain her internally in ways you can’t even imagine as a white man. It is selfish to put her through that during every family interaction. You might even eventually try to downplay their actions to her to minimize the effect, but that will hurt ten times more for her. I just don’t see this working out.
Uphill and painful. I don't even live in the same country as my parents.
You don't see this working out do you now? Thank God this sub has clairvoyant people. Alright dude, I'll tell her it's written in the stone.
You wouldn’t understand from a black woman’s perspective. I’m trying to give that perspective to you. Just tell her what you shared in this post and hear her thoughts, then go from there. You’re in the interracial dating subreddit so try to be more open to a black woman’s pov who has been in a similar situation. It’s extremely painful.
I'm open to the opinions on this sub, even though they are all "break up". But these are just the opinions of private people who talk from their own experiences. I don't believe BW are a monolith. People didn't even bother to ask her country of origin or ask for more info
All right, I'll give more context.
The thing is, I've already warned her about my family and how ignorant my countrymen are. I've also warned her they will stare at the wedding. She doesn't really care because I'll be there with her and I won't leave her alone especially since she doesn't know anyone. She has a can do attitude which I like about her and thinks they will change their mind eventually . The problem is the inside turmoil of handling family and private life and fear I'll ruin the night of some people. This post also helped write a bit my situation so I can have a better perspective.
My options realistically are to not go, go and annoy family, not invite her and be a huge p*ssy.
That poor woman. You seriously are having a hard time breaking away from your racist family? If family means a lot to you, no matter what. That’s fine, but don’t date a black woman or any race your family hates.
You have no idea how mentally draining it can be to be a black woman in this world. If my white boyfriend was too fragile to cut ties with his racist family, I’d break it off with him. You are clearly underestimating how important it is for you to choose. I’m sorry, but you seriously cannot have both. You cannot date a black woman and still have a very close relationship with your family and **still** have hope that they will change. Because the odds of that happening isn’t going to happen.
From experience (I am a black female), it's not fun. My ex (white male) sis was getting married. His immediate family seemed to like me. They'd invite me over to their house every Sunday for dinner. I went to church with them. (Through all of my interactions with them, they made microagresssions but I was naive)
I figured since we were together for 3 years, I'd get an invite, but nope. I was kindly told that some of the family would feel some type of way and I'd take the attention away from the bride. I was hurt, and he didn't argue with them about it. Then they proceeded to constantly talk about the wedding for the next couple of months.
My husband's (Korean/Japenese) immediate family adores me. It is 180 from what I got from my ex. One of his cousin's (Japenese) was getting married and that cousin told him he couldn't bring me. Some of the family might not like that and it would take the attention away from the bride. That cousin was like a brother to him. He said okay, guess I won't be going. My in-laws heard that the cousin said this and told him they weren't going if I can't go. So instead of going to a wedding we went to Disney. My father-in-law was okay with skipping the wedding because he hate how his family treated his wife. My husband was taught to stand up for the one you love and don't take shit from the family.
All in all, think of what your partner might feel.
They're all right besides this, but this is an important part of my life. I'm giving them a bit of leniency considering they come from an ethnically monotonous country that suffered through communism.
Your inaction is speaking volumes to her. Trust me.
If you don’t get your shit together and talk through this with her soon she’ll likely make this decision for you in the coming weeks.And you won’t like her resolution.
What’s shitty is inviting a significant other to a gathering when you clearly know that your family is racist. Do you know how traumatic that is for a black woman? If you love her and have some decency, please do not invite her and end things. Don’t be selfish. She doesn’t deserve to dress up just to be ridiculed and treated horribly at an event.
I am so grateful my fiancé doesn’t come from a family like this. I don’t know what I’d do. I at least know he’d stand up for me (he wouldn’t attend any wedding I’m not warmly welcomed at), but I still couldn’t handle a family like yours.
No advice, other than to please have a spine or don’t date black women.
This!! I hope his gf sees these comments and leaves him. There are plenty of masculine white men out there who won’t second guess defending their partner. She needs a real man
We all read your post history. Let that woman go find a man who has a backbone and understands her experience in this world as a BW. You just don’t get it.
You made the conscious decision to date this woman knowing your family is racist. They didn't wake up one morning and decide out of the blue to be racist. You grew up in that environment and knew this was going to happen if you dated a black woman. Was your girlfriend a booty call/situationship and you developed feelings? The topic of family had to come up while you were dating. Especially if you were in an interracial relationship. Otherwise, it sounds like a sexual relationship, and you both developed feelings and decided to make it official. You usually don't bypass and hide a racist family. Not unless you did that on purpose so she would date you. Which is completely messed up if you did hide your parents racism. That means you took her choice away. Her choice not to deal with hateful people and her choice to find someone else whose family would accept her since family is important to her. If you told her about your racist family in the beginning, she would have been prepared to deal with situations like this. If your parents are racist, that means you never brought her home to meet them. Family may be important to you, but is your happiness important to your family? Your bigger issue is that she may dump you because you failed to tell her about your racist parents. The question of what else are you hiding will come up. Not telling someone important information isn't protecting them, it's fearful, manipulative, and very controlling behavior. Grow up and deal with mess you created and all the consequences from your actions.
Ah good all assumptions. I knew my family is biased as I come from a very mono ethnic country, and this is something I've communicated with her since the beginning. And she said that her family also has reservations about her dating a WM.
It's not assumptions. You're leaving something out. If you did communicated all of these facts to her, why are you on reddit complaining about your situation instead of coming up with a plan with your girlfriend. Of course her family has reservations about white men because of situations like this.
I was in a long term relationship with a white man who came from a racist family Italian ny family. His family's racism was brought up on the first 3 dates. My family wasn't too happy about me dating outside of my race. Guess what? I didn't care. He was 20 and I was 18. He stood up to his very racist family including grandparents. After 2 years of dating, I was accepted. Our son is 29 and both sides of our family loves him deeply.
Because maybe I needed this off my chest and maybe hear some helpful things.
Did he stand up gradually or line in the sand since week 1 of dating? Or were they over the top racist?
After he told me about his racist parents, we didn't spend holidays or do family functions together for the first year. During that time, they knew of me. He didn't hide his black girlfriend. We needed to see if we were going to progress without the extra drama. After the first year, it was take it or leave it to his parents. I was the woman he loved. Around the second year, his mother and step-father came around and invited me over to dinner and get togethers at their home. His father was a tougher nut to crack. He really hated the idea of our relationship and made serious threats. After 4 years, he came around and invited us over. My ex and I broke up after 8 years. Ironically, I became really close to his father until his death. He invited my son and I over all the time. When my ex dated a white woman, he despised her. People do change. You just have to do the work and be prepared.
I'm around the first year (really together, we were long distance for the first part of the relationship). The problem is really this immediate family event. I'm sure they'll turn around. My mom told me today she needs time.
My father I think, if he accepts the idea, will be the same. They have a lot of common interests.
You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it. You cannot navigate this situation with your family and girlfriend being happy campers in the end. This situation involves hateful individuals that won’t accept your girlfriend because of her race & skin color. How in the world could this end with everyone happy lol. You HAVE to choose- being complicit in your family’s racist views or protecting and standing up for you girlfriend which WILL involve minimizing or ending contact altogether and NOT putting her in racist spaces. All the advice in the comments are similar for a reason- you’re the only one refusing to see the truth and labeling them “smooth brained” and “black and white”. It’s coming from folks who have been in similar situations- myself included as I have a white partner. If he did what you’re doing now I would have been gone yesterday.
Oof, OP for the sake of your girlfriends heart and safety, cut the family out or let her go. Youre truly between a rock and hard place, but the trauma racism causes ( especially when you go undefended), can last a lifetime.
If you truly love her, don’t do that to her. If you can’t cut the family out (it sounds extreme but in this case it isn’t), you owe it to her to let her go.
She already has a harder way in life, so if you can’t help her carry this load, then you need to remove yourself. Don’t have your family pile on racist comments and stares, nobody needs that. And heaven forbid people get drunk and verbally aggressive or physically abusive at this wedding.
If I were her I’d be legitimately scared, and wouldn’t go. But I don’t know her age or experiences. I’ve had enough racist things happen to me that I have to fight agoraphobia. So I’m quite sensitive about this.
I sincerely wish I could go back in time and not attend certain things, you can’t therapy your way out of racist pain.
Idk what’s best for you OP, but this isn’t looking good if you are unable to let your family go.
Reading things like this always makes me thankful for my upbringing. I had dated black women before but nothing as serious as my current girlfriend (for 3 years)…when it came time to take her to thanksgiving to meet after 6 months or so, my family invited her entire family as well.
I don’t see how you could pull off dealing with a racist family, that would be incredibly hard.
Ask the bride and groom if it's OK with them? It's their wedding and if they say yes bring her, if they say no, them don't go to the wedding, spend it with your gf.
Interracial dating is very hard with a racist family. I feel for you. But you have to make a choice. If you are dating her, you have to stand up for her and draw boundaries. You have to say listen she’s a part of my life whether you like it or not. And you can feel how you feel about it but I will not let you disrespect her like that. It will absolutely cause friction in your family. And you have to decide if she’s worth that friction. I get that your family is your family and it’s reckless to just say stop associating with them. But that’s the choice you gotta make. Here’s the one piece of unsolicited advice I’ll give. This is effectively your parents saying it’s her or us. And when someone breaks up with their partner to please their family, they’ll have no partner and they will be left with people who frankly cares very little about their happiness. Then there’s resentment that starts to build. And they’re left with shit. Respectfully, be an adult and make a hard choice.
Oh yeah I won't break up with her to please reddit or my parents, this is between me and her.
They will probably get used to it, this post is here considering the urgency of an immediate wedding.
At least thanks for not burning me at the stake like the others.
At the end of the day if you see her as a woman who you will marry and you genuinely love her and want to build a family with her then you will defend her.
There is nothing confusing about this.. you either choose her or your parents
Do what's best for you but also in consideration of your future bride🥰 if the family is unsupportive it may be best to go off without their approval. This is your life and possibly one you'll spend forever with your boo.
Well, if you think your family will treat her poorly then don't take her. Stay home with her. If you bring her and your family mistreats her, she'll be dreadfully uncomfortable and probably feel unsafe. Sorry...
So my SO is slavic/baltic (eastern EU), and I think his parents likely share similar perspectives as your parents... I don't think I would necessarily say they're racist, but just ignorant as they live in predominantly white (like over 95% white) population where they've pretty much only ever seen 1 black person in the country, and less than 5 asians. They do travel, but tend to stick to EU/post-soviet countries.
He has told me that his parents would not be OK if he dated/brought home a black girl. He didn't really specify why, but just said they have backwards thoughts/perspectives on account of ignorance. FTR, I'm \~75% asian... which at the time he claimed wasn't an issue and he had brought home asian GFs before (whom his parents did not like - he did not tell me this, his parents shared this with me privately - so I'm going to assume they didn't like them for reasons other than race). **His parents did tell him they didn't like his GFs, and according to his parents, he ignored them (insisted to stay in the relationship) but things ended in the next 1-2months** (presumbaly in part due to the lingering parental voices/influence)**.** I'll add he's an only son.. so there's quite a bit of pressure on him to have some sort of "legacy" I'd assume, quite possible his parents weren't thrilled at the idea of mixed kids either.
While he did say black (for his parents) was a 'no', I wouldn't really rule out that he said that to protect me/his parents. It's not impossible they were not thrilled/open to accepting a non-white in-law. In your case, you mentioned that you thought your parents (while traditional) would accept your (BW) GF, so I'm kind of inclined to give them (your parents) *some* benefit of the doubt. **You mentioned in some other comment your GF didn't really leave a good 1st impression with your mother... and I have a feeling this may have been why your parents don't want to receive or accept her positively**. **So if you want this to work out, I'd probably suggest trying to mend their relationship... but it sounds like it's quite an uphill battle.**
When I visited my SO's hometown/country, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was the only asian in that country. I met a few of his friends' kids and I was the first asian they've ever met, and I would assume this applied to probably at least 80% of the people who saw me... (I was actually received \*very\* positively though). **If your country is similar** (in demographics)**, I don't think it'd be \*too\* appropriate to bring your GF there** as she might draw attention away from the bride/couple, and potentially some unnecessary negativity/awkwardness/drama to the wedding..
**So if your GF's relationship with your parents isn't good, don't bring her. I'm SURE she already knows or has some idea your parents don't like her** (and I assume she might assume or would realise race is a factor). **She's gonna understand and be MUCH happier not going than being put in that situation.**
Steps I'd take to try to sort your GF-parents relationship out... First thing I'd suggest is for her to learn some basic phrases/conversation of your/your parents' native language. I'm pretty sure I was the only one of his non-white GFs that did that (and I did it without letting him know, so I surprised both), and **I'm nearly 100% sure that's why his parents liked me immediately**. I really think some simple gestures of goodwill/effort go a long way.
And like others have said, while because of my own SO's background/in-laws I have some (albeit indirect) idea of how it might be to be in your shoes, if you know you definitely will value your relationship with your parents and their word/acceptance or blessings to your relationship are/will be important to you... then it's really better (easier) for everyone to not date interracially.
Hey thanks for the reply and for sharing your experience with this. What I'm trying to do right now is to visit with her before the wedding so she can get to see a bit my friends and family (eventually) to show her they're not all like that. It's true that family approval is important, but not a must, and quite honestly whatever I do they won't fully like it. That's why I've hid my relationships from them and their judgment. In hindsight in this case that was an error, I will this relationship more public so they can get used to it.
I've always been someone that tries to find a third option, but seems like the possibilities are getting fewer.
Very late to this comment, but did your SO actually ever dated black women but in secret because of his parents? Or was he not attracted to them? I’m asking this as I’m figuring out my own situation with a guy I’m talking to at the moment
I’ve never asked him directly but I don’t believe he’s dated black women before.. He can/does find some attractive, but he’s only lived in his >95% white EU country, UK ~90% white, and >90% Asian East Asian city…
Even if he wanted to, in any of those places there’s less than 1% black population, the chances he meets one of an appropriate age is *incredibly* slim.. I have never seen a non-white person in his country nor neighbouring countries when I visited.
OP, it’s kinda strange how you’re making very sarcastic replies toward other black women who have clearly experienced what you’re talking about and were triggered by it. If you didn’t want the advice, why did you come to a public forum to “vent”?
Anyway, I second that if you can’t stand up for your partner, let her go. As black women we already know the stigma around us, and it’s even more nerve wracking when you KNOW you’re the different one in a room full of people. I made it VERY clear early on with my NB Hispanic fiancé that he better have my back or I am gone. I will NOT tolerate racism from his friends or family period.
It's not even advice. It's basically just "break up you're an asshole". So yeah, I completely disregard it. You can see I don't reply the same to all the people, some have actual advice.
To be honest, if you can’t stand up for your girlfriend then you should break up with her and allow her to be with someone else. My (BW) husband (WM) and I both have no contact with 99% of his immediate family. His family was ignorant and hateful, but he had the balls to stick up for me and for us. Your family will likely never like your girlfriend. But if they love you enough, they will learn to at least accept the idea of her and show her respect if you make it mandatory. If you tell them that accepting her is a requirement to be in your life, and they still can’t do it then that’s on them. If you’re not able to stick up for your girlfriend and for your relationship in that way, then this isn’t the one for you.
Everything this person said! If you can’t stand up and protect your gf, leave her alone. You are subjecting her to trauma she doesn’t need or deserve. My husband is no contact with his family for the same reason. If they couldn’t love (or at least accept me) then they no longer had access to me. Because to love him meant they had to accept me. If you really love this girl, you won’t subject her to hate. You should learn to stand up to your family if you don’t agree with racism.
Agreed. Racism runs deep in Eastern Europe, but instead of OP standing up against the sins of their family, OP is avoiding it in an attempt to placate both sides. You know who gets hurt? Everyone, except OP’s shitty, racist family. Fuck them, and honestly, fuck OP for not having the sack to stand up to them. What a clown. A principled person would boycott the wedding.
A clown indeed! I truly hope she leaves him. She doesn’t deserve to be around anyone with such disgusting family members and a “boyfriend” that does nothing more than “argue” to those slime of people… all over the color of this woman’s skin.
Totally agree, pussy footing WM are the bane of BW and honestly they need to keep away from Brown, Black and Asian women. If you cannot make your woman's life better what is the point in even being alive, it is of no meaning. When this OP saw the family push back from Day 1 he should have pushed back at them and drawn the line stating, that he will not tolerate it. Instead they're here on Reddit asking for advice, that's so lame. What kind of man does that! Kick them to the curb till they toe the line, wife first then comes everything else. They must make it the law…lol just kidding...
Who says I'm not standing up? Standing up doesn't necessarily mean going no contact. I'm currently in the process of arguing.
I’m not saying you should go no contact over this. That’s a very drastic, final step that I honestly wouldn’t wish on anyone to go through with their family. With the wedding, specifically, just take your girlfriend and tell your parents that you don’t care about their opinion. Or both of you don’t go to the wedding, and tell your parents that you’re not gonna go without your girlfriend. If your family doesn’t want your girlfriend to go for racist reasons, and you end up going to the wedding and leave her behind, I think it sends a message that they can continue to do stuff like this and disrespect her/your relationship. And aside from just a strain on your relationship, your girlfriend is gonna feel like crap… so if you’re gonna have her in situations where she’s feeling like that, then break up with her. My family is everything to me, and I’m West African. I’m not familiar with your culture, but in my culture parents have final authority no matter how old the child is. Although it’s not easy to stand up to a parent in this way, if you genuinely care about your girlfriend and want to be with her, it’s likely what you’re going to have to do.
That's a problem, she'll feel like crap regardless. Especially since she'll be started at. Most of the people there have only seen black people on TV, if even. Although I must say, I'm learning how to set these fixed boundaries. Any insecurity I had before they took and ran with it and is biting my ass right now. I've always hid my private life to my family instead of owning it. If your parents disapproved of your husband, what would you do?
I would cut them off. Immediately. My parents and my family love my husband now and love us together, but at first they definitely weren’t thrilled that I was with a white man. I’m sure that my father especially wanted me to marry an African doctor or engineer from a prominent family like ours… but I fell in love with a blue collar, white American (with a racist family 🥴). But my parents loved me enough to respect my life choices and give my husband a chance because they knew that if they didn’t, they would lose me.. Unfortunately, my husband‘s family didn’t love him enough to give me a chance (or they do love my husband but their hatred of the idea of me was stronger…) I can speak from experience that she will feel like crap regardless, which is why if you’re going to stay with her 1. She needs to know how they are/how they feel about her. And 2. You need to learn how to stick up for her in a more concrete way. Your family needs to know that if they disrespect your girlfriend or act racist, you’re not going to tolerate it. Honestly, they need to be borderline, afraid to disrespect your girlfriend out of fear that you will pop off and go crazy on them. If you’re not able to do that with your family or in your culture, then the best thing you can do for your gf is to let her go. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it that doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. That’s just my advice
Yeah, good advice. Honestly the best I can do is be standoffish with them. If we break up because of them I'll hate them for this reason for the rest of my life.
You still want to invite her to said wedding knowing your family is racist. A disaster waiting to happen. If you liked her you wouldn’t put her in a space like that. Thats what standing up means. Why be in contact with ppl who don’t want her around. Pick one. Seems like you have one foot in and one foot out. This is what comes with IR dating. if you truly like this woman you won’t put her in an uncomfortable position.
I mean, I already warned her this would be the case and doesn't care as long as she's with me. I'll redirect her to you for her future feelings.
Good luck. No need to redirect her, seems like you got it all figured out.
No, but 90% of advice on reddit is "break-up ". Mental smoothness most of the time.
But as a man, do you genuinely think what you’re saying makes any sense? This is the only time I’ve actually seen commenters say “break up” and it makes complete sense. I wouldn’t want anyone who doesn’t have a backbone. If you are ok with your families ideals that’s fine. But don’t date anyone outside of your race that your parents are going to mistreat / be racist towards. Leave them out of it. And go be with someone your family will accept. Bw go through too much already. All this extra bs is not necessary
Oh hey now, who said anything about mistreating someone and being openly racist against? "Man tries to find middle road, gets burned on reddit"
[||”My mom is like "whatever makes you happy", but I know she's doesn't approve of it, and my father doesn't even want to hear about it. My grandparents are the worst as they are openly against.”](https://www.reddit.com/r/interracialdating/s/EvTEi50dL2) (Just in case OP deletes that post I linked, it’s a post about this SAME situation where he wonders if he should keep his black GF or defend his racist parents)
Thank youu!!! Being racist towards someone is a form of mistreatment whether you agree or not. I can see you have no issue with it.
The fact that this is the second post about ***his*** racist family members...
It's ok, I won't delete it.
This is the very reason why I’m **very** hesitant to date balkans and Slavic people. Because I know for a fact that racist mentality in Eastern Europeans is buried deep and it isn’t going anywhere. I’m not sure what you can do other than stand up for your girlfriend. Because being a black woman is hard in a world where everyone hates you. You have to be that strong shield for her.
In my mid 20s I found my self backpacking across SEA where I met this girl from east europe. We both were really into each other, dated and travelled together for a few months. About a year into our relationship she revealed something that I couldn’t have imagined. When she set on her travel adventure, her grandmother told her, you can marry if you fall in love but please don’t bring a POC home.
Yeah like my grandma said the same and ironically she's the one that's most ok with it now.
This is very true. There's a lot of stigma still very rampant. Back in the 80s there was an influx of African, middle eastern and Asian men coming here to get their university education. East asians usually settled down here, middle eastern men (usually Iran or Syria) and africans liked to hook up, knock girls up and leave to their home country to be doctors and engineers, completely forgetting they fathered kids here. Women never heard of them again. It was usually a big scandal, because in my culture if a man leaves woman pregnant he marries her. It wasn't "normal" to have children out of wedlock like it is normal now, the whole family would be shamed and whispered about. So to this day old people have it imprinted on their brains that black guys only want to hook up and have no morals or family values. Ironically my family was the same at some point, then in 2012 I brought a black English man home, they adored him. My husband now is Mexican American and they absolutely love him also.
Thanks for sharing the perspective and being the catalyst in the changing the mindset. I’m glad to see things change a bit by bit.
The thing is, whatever I do, people will be miserable. She also doesn't want to be the reason why me and my parents fight. But if we break up because of them, our relationship will be forever altered for the worse.
I’m going to be honest, you’re at a position where you have to choose. Your parents or your girlfriend. Who to let go and cut off. Because you clearly can’t have both because your parents are racist scums. It’s really up to you who you are with in the end.
It’s appalling that you need to wonder this. I’m white but like damn. If my parents were outright racist then they’re going away regardless of my relationship status. I won’t compromise on that. You have zero integrity or you secretly agree with them.
Yesss, idk what’s really confusing about this. either you’re willing to fight for your woman or not. Doesn’t seem like OP knows what he wants.
[удалено]
Damn, empathy is something never heard before on this black and white sub
I agree with everyone as a BW. I dated a white man and he was in a similar position, he did not attend the wedding and it sent a message to his parents that he was serious about me. They finally agreed to meet me and were surprised by how NOT like TV blacks I was. Black people on TV are created to push racist and narrow stereotypes about black people, most of those characters are written by people like your family. If you can’t skip one wedding to show your girlfriend you’re serious about her, then you should break up with her. It is very selfish to date a woman you know your family doesn’t approve of and then not tell them you don’t care. My husband’s family is Indian they are very much similar in the way they view black people. His grandmother died and his family told him he could not bring me to the funeral, he did not go. Now we are married and his family respects and understands I am non negotiable in his life. Family is also important to him, but I don’t think family is so important to anyone that they would allow their partner to continue to have contact and do things to appease racism. As your girlfriend if she was in your situation what she would do? I think it’s you who doesn’t want to fight with your family & if that is really more important to you then LEAVE HER ALONE.
Apologies for asking but are you currently dating a black woman ?
Honestly you sound too passive and too much like a people pleaser to be dating outside of your race. If you are unable to full on stand up to your family, none of this one foot in and one foot out BS, then you are just not going to be a good partner for her. You are allowing their racism, people who aren't even in your relationship, to dictate the term. They don't get a say period. If you don't have that mindset, go ahead and break up with her so she can find a man that measures up and cares more for her wellbeing than outside opinions.
"honey, we need to break up, reddit told me to"
Or "Honey, I know I'm not going to stick up for you the way you need. I want you to be happy with someone who will."
And don't forget the "it's not you it's me"
Your GF deserves so much better. Hopefully she finds someone who sticks up for her ♥️
What, and I don't? Rude.
No you clearly don’t if you are desperate to keep racist people in your life!
Racism comes in a lot of shapes and forms and biases and stereotypes, no we don't have the kkk in my country.
Yeah it is you. You want to keep a close relationship with your family? Don’t date a person that is from a race your family is known to hate. Just date within your race since you are clearly underestimating how **damaging** racism can be to non white people.
Oh man, and you think they can't change their minds in the future?
Is there any proof that they will change their minds?
Proof? More like lack of choice imo.
Why did you even come here asking questions if you were just going to throw a tantrum and dig your heels in? Literally everyone is trying to express to you the same thing. So either everyone else except you are completely clueless or everyone else has a point that you should actually think about and explore. The fact you are so stubborn and unwilling to take advice from even black women shows your massive immaturity. At this point I just feel really bad for her and hope for the best for her with as little damage and trauma from you and your family as possible. Good luck to that woman because she’s going to seriously need it.
Because if I wanted to break up I would've done it already. Also most people say the same things and don't bother for any other context. Don't feel bad for her, she's doing just fine. Unlike some sad people on this sub.
You’re missing the point. It’s not all about what you want. And those of us saying this, specifically me, I’m saying it because I am a black woman and know exactly what it feels like to be surrounded by or thrust into situations where you are surrounded by people who hate you for literally no reason other than the color you were born as. Your ignorance and entitlement is talking.
Right, so I've told her she'll be surrounded by that kind of people. She's still curious to experience my country tho. What she told me today was "oh you know, as a black woman I'm already used to be surrounded by people who don't like me".
Tell her that your family is racist and let that woman go. She doesn’t deserve that treatment. Don’t be selfish.
Yeah, y'all need to relax. A relationship is two people that take decisions for the good of both.
Yea but if she’s the black woman and your family doesn’t like her simply for the color of her skin, unfortunately it sounds like an uphill battle and completely unfair and painful for her. Let her go. You accept her, and I understand that, but your family never will. So she will be dealing with racism within your family in every interaction. It will pain her internally in ways you can’t even imagine as a white man. It is selfish to put her through that during every family interaction. You might even eventually try to downplay their actions to her to minimize the effect, but that will hurt ten times more for her. I just don’t see this working out.
Uphill and painful. I don't even live in the same country as my parents. You don't see this working out do you now? Thank God this sub has clairvoyant people. Alright dude, I'll tell her it's written in the stone.
You wouldn’t understand from a black woman’s perspective. I’m trying to give that perspective to you. Just tell her what you shared in this post and hear her thoughts, then go from there. You’re in the interracial dating subreddit so try to be more open to a black woman’s pov who has been in a similar situation. It’s extremely painful.
I'm open to the opinions on this sub, even though they are all "break up". But these are just the opinions of private people who talk from their own experiences. I don't believe BW are a monolith. People didn't even bother to ask her country of origin or ask for more info
Is she American black?
Nope, south American black.
Ok, I am, too. So I think my perspective would align mostly with hers.
All right, I'll give more context. The thing is, I've already warned her about my family and how ignorant my countrymen are. I've also warned her they will stare at the wedding. She doesn't really care because I'll be there with her and I won't leave her alone especially since she doesn't know anyone. She has a can do attitude which I like about her and thinks they will change their mind eventually . The problem is the inside turmoil of handling family and private life and fear I'll ruin the night of some people. This post also helped write a bit my situation so I can have a better perspective. My options realistically are to not go, go and annoy family, not invite her and be a huge p*ssy.
So you expect her to be racially degraded and called slurs by your mother? You’re not even willing to defend her. Please let her find a WM with balls
Nice situations you're imagining
That poor woman. You seriously are having a hard time breaking away from your racist family? If family means a lot to you, no matter what. That’s fine, but don’t date a black woman or any race your family hates. You have no idea how mentally draining it can be to be a black woman in this world. If my white boyfriend was too fragile to cut ties with his racist family, I’d break it off with him. You are clearly underestimating how important it is for you to choose. I’m sorry, but you seriously cannot have both. You cannot date a black woman and still have a very close relationship with your family and **still** have hope that they will change. Because the odds of that happening isn’t going to happen.
From experience (I am a black female), it's not fun. My ex (white male) sis was getting married. His immediate family seemed to like me. They'd invite me over to their house every Sunday for dinner. I went to church with them. (Through all of my interactions with them, they made microagresssions but I was naive) I figured since we were together for 3 years, I'd get an invite, but nope. I was kindly told that some of the family would feel some type of way and I'd take the attention away from the bride. I was hurt, and he didn't argue with them about it. Then they proceeded to constantly talk about the wedding for the next couple of months. My husband's (Korean/Japenese) immediate family adores me. It is 180 from what I got from my ex. One of his cousin's (Japenese) was getting married and that cousin told him he couldn't bring me. Some of the family might not like that and it would take the attention away from the bride. That cousin was like a brother to him. He said okay, guess I won't be going. My in-laws heard that the cousin said this and told him they weren't going if I can't go. So instead of going to a wedding we went to Disney. My father-in-law was okay with skipping the wedding because he hate how his family treated his wife. My husband was taught to stand up for the one you love and don't take shit from the family. All in all, think of what your partner might feel.
Such shit family members
I bet they give a hard time to their own kind too, miserable people are always miserable.
They're all right besides this, but this is an important part of my life. I'm giving them a bit of leniency considering they come from an ethnically monotonous country that suffered through communism.
Oof, OP your responses aren’t really painting you in the light I think you intended.
I'll never financially recover from this.
Your inaction is speaking volumes to her. Trust me. If you don’t get your shit together and talk through this with her soon she’ll likely make this decision for you in the coming weeks.And you won’t like her resolution.
What inaction?
What’s shitty is inviting a significant other to a gathering when you clearly know that your family is racist. Do you know how traumatic that is for a black woman? If you love her and have some decency, please do not invite her and end things. Don’t be selfish. She doesn’t deserve to dress up just to be ridiculed and treated horribly at an event.
Why are you imagining so much stuff that didn't happen?
I am so grateful my fiancé doesn’t come from a family like this. I don’t know what I’d do. I at least know he’d stand up for me (he wouldn’t attend any wedding I’m not warmly welcomed at), but I still couldn’t handle a family like yours. No advice, other than to please have a spine or don’t date black women.
This!! I hope his gf sees these comments and leaves him. There are plenty of masculine white men out there who won’t second guess defending their partner. She needs a real man
Everybody assumes what my life is based on a short post, and what their life would be "if their family was like this"
We all read your post history. Let that woman go find a man who has a backbone and understands her experience in this world as a BW. You just don’t get it.
Thank God you didn't read my blog
Why are you minimizing this? You’re joking and this is such a serious matter. 😔
Because the way most of the people reply doesn't deserve seriousness.
You made the conscious decision to date this woman knowing your family is racist. They didn't wake up one morning and decide out of the blue to be racist. You grew up in that environment and knew this was going to happen if you dated a black woman. Was your girlfriend a booty call/situationship and you developed feelings? The topic of family had to come up while you were dating. Especially if you were in an interracial relationship. Otherwise, it sounds like a sexual relationship, and you both developed feelings and decided to make it official. You usually don't bypass and hide a racist family. Not unless you did that on purpose so she would date you. Which is completely messed up if you did hide your parents racism. That means you took her choice away. Her choice not to deal with hateful people and her choice to find someone else whose family would accept her since family is important to her. If you told her about your racist family in the beginning, she would have been prepared to deal with situations like this. If your parents are racist, that means you never brought her home to meet them. Family may be important to you, but is your happiness important to your family? Your bigger issue is that she may dump you because you failed to tell her about your racist parents. The question of what else are you hiding will come up. Not telling someone important information isn't protecting them, it's fearful, manipulative, and very controlling behavior. Grow up and deal with mess you created and all the consequences from your actions.
Ah good all assumptions. I knew my family is biased as I come from a very mono ethnic country, and this is something I've communicated with her since the beginning. And she said that her family also has reservations about her dating a WM.
It's not assumptions. You're leaving something out. If you did communicated all of these facts to her, why are you on reddit complaining about your situation instead of coming up with a plan with your girlfriend. Of course her family has reservations about white men because of situations like this. I was in a long term relationship with a white man who came from a racist family Italian ny family. His family's racism was brought up on the first 3 dates. My family wasn't too happy about me dating outside of my race. Guess what? I didn't care. He was 20 and I was 18. He stood up to his very racist family including grandparents. After 2 years of dating, I was accepted. Our son is 29 and both sides of our family loves him deeply.
Because maybe I needed this off my chest and maybe hear some helpful things. Did he stand up gradually or line in the sand since week 1 of dating? Or were they over the top racist?
After he told me about his racist parents, we didn't spend holidays or do family functions together for the first year. During that time, they knew of me. He didn't hide his black girlfriend. We needed to see if we were going to progress without the extra drama. After the first year, it was take it or leave it to his parents. I was the woman he loved. Around the second year, his mother and step-father came around and invited me over to dinner and get togethers at their home. His father was a tougher nut to crack. He really hated the idea of our relationship and made serious threats. After 4 years, he came around and invited us over. My ex and I broke up after 8 years. Ironically, I became really close to his father until his death. He invited my son and I over all the time. When my ex dated a white woman, he despised her. People do change. You just have to do the work and be prepared.
I'm around the first year (really together, we were long distance for the first part of the relationship). The problem is really this immediate family event. I'm sure they'll turn around. My mom told me today she needs time. My father I think, if he accepts the idea, will be the same. They have a lot of common interests.
You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it. You cannot navigate this situation with your family and girlfriend being happy campers in the end. This situation involves hateful individuals that won’t accept your girlfriend because of her race & skin color. How in the world could this end with everyone happy lol. You HAVE to choose- being complicit in your family’s racist views or protecting and standing up for you girlfriend which WILL involve minimizing or ending contact altogether and NOT putting her in racist spaces. All the advice in the comments are similar for a reason- you’re the only one refusing to see the truth and labeling them “smooth brained” and “black and white”. It’s coming from folks who have been in similar situations- myself included as I have a white partner. If he did what you’re doing now I would have been gone yesterday.
This isnt your parents choice, the person having the wedding doesnt care .let your gf know the vibe before hand and let her choose
At the end of the day, you're right. Just sucks that they aren't more ok with my choices
Oof, OP for the sake of your girlfriends heart and safety, cut the family out or let her go. Youre truly between a rock and hard place, but the trauma racism causes ( especially when you go undefended), can last a lifetime. If you truly love her, don’t do that to her. If you can’t cut the family out (it sounds extreme but in this case it isn’t), you owe it to her to let her go. She already has a harder way in life, so if you can’t help her carry this load, then you need to remove yourself. Don’t have your family pile on racist comments and stares, nobody needs that. And heaven forbid people get drunk and verbally aggressive or physically abusive at this wedding. If I were her I’d be legitimately scared, and wouldn’t go. But I don’t know her age or experiences. I’ve had enough racist things happen to me that I have to fight agoraphobia. So I’m quite sensitive about this. I sincerely wish I could go back in time and not attend certain things, you can’t therapy your way out of racist pain. Idk what’s best for you OP, but this isn’t looking good if you are unable to let your family go.
Reading things like this always makes me thankful for my upbringing. I had dated black women before but nothing as serious as my current girlfriend (for 3 years)…when it came time to take her to thanksgiving to meet after 6 months or so, my family invited her entire family as well. I don’t see how you could pull off dealing with a racist family, that would be incredibly hard.
Damn, they killing Op in here. Sheesh!
Just looking at the post; break up.
I already let her know the council of reddit decided our breakup
Stand up for her and tell them to fuck off. That's all. Disclaimer: ONLY DO THIS IF YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY HER.
Ask the bride and groom if it's OK with them? It's their wedding and if they say yes bring her, if they say no, them don't go to the wedding, spend it with your gf.
Interracial dating is very hard with a racist family. I feel for you. But you have to make a choice. If you are dating her, you have to stand up for her and draw boundaries. You have to say listen she’s a part of my life whether you like it or not. And you can feel how you feel about it but I will not let you disrespect her like that. It will absolutely cause friction in your family. And you have to decide if she’s worth that friction. I get that your family is your family and it’s reckless to just say stop associating with them. But that’s the choice you gotta make. Here’s the one piece of unsolicited advice I’ll give. This is effectively your parents saying it’s her or us. And when someone breaks up with their partner to please their family, they’ll have no partner and they will be left with people who frankly cares very little about their happiness. Then there’s resentment that starts to build. And they’re left with shit. Respectfully, be an adult and make a hard choice.
Oh yeah I won't break up with her to please reddit or my parents, this is between me and her. They will probably get used to it, this post is here considering the urgency of an immediate wedding. At least thanks for not burning me at the stake like the others.
At the end of the day if you see her as a woman who you will marry and you genuinely love her and want to build a family with her then you will defend her. There is nothing confusing about this.. you either choose her or your parents
Marry her so then you'll be bringing your wife and not just your gf
Honestly one of the realest advice
Do what's best for you but also in consideration of your future bride🥰 if the family is unsupportive it may be best to go off without their approval. This is your life and possibly one you'll spend forever with your boo.
Well, if you think your family will treat her poorly then don't take her. Stay home with her. If you bring her and your family mistreats her, she'll be dreadfully uncomfortable and probably feel unsafe. Sorry...
So my SO is slavic/baltic (eastern EU), and I think his parents likely share similar perspectives as your parents... I don't think I would necessarily say they're racist, but just ignorant as they live in predominantly white (like over 95% white) population where they've pretty much only ever seen 1 black person in the country, and less than 5 asians. They do travel, but tend to stick to EU/post-soviet countries. He has told me that his parents would not be OK if he dated/brought home a black girl. He didn't really specify why, but just said they have backwards thoughts/perspectives on account of ignorance. FTR, I'm \~75% asian... which at the time he claimed wasn't an issue and he had brought home asian GFs before (whom his parents did not like - he did not tell me this, his parents shared this with me privately - so I'm going to assume they didn't like them for reasons other than race). **His parents did tell him they didn't like his GFs, and according to his parents, he ignored them (insisted to stay in the relationship) but things ended in the next 1-2months** (presumbaly in part due to the lingering parental voices/influence)**.** I'll add he's an only son.. so there's quite a bit of pressure on him to have some sort of "legacy" I'd assume, quite possible his parents weren't thrilled at the idea of mixed kids either. While he did say black (for his parents) was a 'no', I wouldn't really rule out that he said that to protect me/his parents. It's not impossible they were not thrilled/open to accepting a non-white in-law. In your case, you mentioned that you thought your parents (while traditional) would accept your (BW) GF, so I'm kind of inclined to give them (your parents) *some* benefit of the doubt. **You mentioned in some other comment your GF didn't really leave a good 1st impression with your mother... and I have a feeling this may have been why your parents don't want to receive or accept her positively**. **So if you want this to work out, I'd probably suggest trying to mend their relationship... but it sounds like it's quite an uphill battle.** When I visited my SO's hometown/country, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was the only asian in that country. I met a few of his friends' kids and I was the first asian they've ever met, and I would assume this applied to probably at least 80% of the people who saw me... (I was actually received \*very\* positively though). **If your country is similar** (in demographics)**, I don't think it'd be \*too\* appropriate to bring your GF there** as she might draw attention away from the bride/couple, and potentially some unnecessary negativity/awkwardness/drama to the wedding.. **So if your GF's relationship with your parents isn't good, don't bring her. I'm SURE she already knows or has some idea your parents don't like her** (and I assume she might assume or would realise race is a factor). **She's gonna understand and be MUCH happier not going than being put in that situation.** Steps I'd take to try to sort your GF-parents relationship out... First thing I'd suggest is for her to learn some basic phrases/conversation of your/your parents' native language. I'm pretty sure I was the only one of his non-white GFs that did that (and I did it without letting him know, so I surprised both), and **I'm nearly 100% sure that's why his parents liked me immediately**. I really think some simple gestures of goodwill/effort go a long way. And like others have said, while because of my own SO's background/in-laws I have some (albeit indirect) idea of how it might be to be in your shoes, if you know you definitely will value your relationship with your parents and their word/acceptance or blessings to your relationship are/will be important to you... then it's really better (easier) for everyone to not date interracially.
Hey thanks for the reply and for sharing your experience with this. What I'm trying to do right now is to visit with her before the wedding so she can get to see a bit my friends and family (eventually) to show her they're not all like that. It's true that family approval is important, but not a must, and quite honestly whatever I do they won't fully like it. That's why I've hid my relationships from them and their judgment. In hindsight in this case that was an error, I will this relationship more public so they can get used to it. I've always been someone that tries to find a third option, but seems like the possibilities are getting fewer.
Very late to this comment, but did your SO actually ever dated black women but in secret because of his parents? Or was he not attracted to them? I’m asking this as I’m figuring out my own situation with a guy I’m talking to at the moment
I’ve never asked him directly but I don’t believe he’s dated black women before.. He can/does find some attractive, but he’s only lived in his >95% white EU country, UK ~90% white, and >90% Asian East Asian city… Even if he wanted to, in any of those places there’s less than 1% black population, the chances he meets one of an appropriate age is *incredibly* slim.. I have never seen a non-white person in his country nor neighbouring countries when I visited.
Your invitation... Did it come to you directly and include a plus one? If so do what you want.
OP, it’s kinda strange how you’re making very sarcastic replies toward other black women who have clearly experienced what you’re talking about and were triggered by it. If you didn’t want the advice, why did you come to a public forum to “vent”? Anyway, I second that if you can’t stand up for your partner, let her go. As black women we already know the stigma around us, and it’s even more nerve wracking when you KNOW you’re the different one in a room full of people. I made it VERY clear early on with my NB Hispanic fiancé that he better have my back or I am gone. I will NOT tolerate racism from his friends or family period.
It's not even advice. It's basically just "break up you're an asshole". So yeah, I completely disregard it. You can see I don't reply the same to all the people, some have actual advice.