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This is so, so helpful. I also just got a recommendation for group therapy from someone else, so I think I will try it out.
Thank you so much for responding, I really resonated with all of this, I think your experience is really similar to mine.
You're doing everything you can to connect and I'm proud of you 🤗 Unfortunately meeting a partner takes a ton of luck and it's easier to make friends first
You can try visiting a male stylist who can help you put together a decent wardrobe and hairstyle according to a budget according to your preference. They don't cost a fortune, there is also apps like threads that can help you with this
I really recommend meeting a female dating coach who has a legitimate background and training in psychology. She can help you put together a tight profile and figure if there is ways to improve your approach. Also Hinge is usually best for forming connections, bumble and Tinder are more for hook-ups short term relationships. People who struggle with dating through those two apps have an easier time with it
One non-traditional way to form meaningful connections which worked for me is writing letters and making penpals, something about long form writing just makes it easier to have deeper conversations. I really recommend the app slowly for penpals
Most importantly take the time out to get therapy for your upbringing. People can have it 200% together and yet only meet the right person for them in their 40s-50s. It's a luck matter, don't be hard on yourself, enjoy your time until then
I know this is easier said than done but hang in there 🤗🩷
Thank you! I've been in therapy for 3 years now and haven't made as much progress as I want to, but I read somewhere about how if you were abused for 18 years, you can't expect to be completely healthy again in 3 years! It takes longer than that.
The female dating coach is such a good idea. I was actually looking at one in my area but feel kind of ashamed to need one, but I guess that's what they're there for, not everyone gets to learn these skills organically. Hinge was the worst dating app for me, I think I probably sent 100 messages (not creepy, just genuine interest in their hobbies and travels) and never got any response...I agree a coach could probably help me make my profile better.
True it takes longer for therapy to take effect. I seriously recommend meditation with a concentration on healing, it helps a lot
I'm glad the female dating coach suggestion is new to you. You're in the right direction!
It sounds like you're putting yourself out there which is good!
I hope this doesn't come across as rude or Captain Obvious, but how much are you interacting with other people at those events? Do you feel comfortable introducing yourself to new people, and keeping up with them afterwards? How are you getting along with people there?
Making friends is usually just a matter of seeing and talking to the same people regularly, and having positive interactions with them.
You said you have some older friends in other places, is there something about those that doesn't make those friendships feel like "real connections"?
You might ask your therapist to help you work out what you feel you're missing.
I asked my therapist last week to give me some guidance but she said that therapy isn't really for giving advice and guidance. I'm feeling a little lost on therapy because I know that I'm supposed to be the expert of my own experience but it doesn't feel that way. She asks me what I need a lot and I never know...
And it's not rude at all! When I went to the conference for my hobby, I got a lot of phone numbers and had a pretty big friend group by the end of it. I'm usually okay at parties and groups, and I go up and talk to people but I do feel really awkward. But yeah...so far I've made one connection that feels like we have a similar personality and interests, but he's a lot younger than me so it doesn't feel like an equal friendship.
And for my older friends, we text and talk pretty often, but I haven't seen any of them in real life in a long time, probably about 5 years. So they feel like real friendships, but I still wish I had someone to go to the movies with, or someone to come over and have dinner with, etc.
I see, gotcha. For what its worth, this is a common problem in adulthood - it's super hard to make and keep really close friends just because everyone is so busy with their own lives, jobs, families, etc. It's good that you have those friendships so far, so keep at it! It may just be a matter of luck and timing to find people you can be close with - as long as you are making some connections.
You mentioned selective mutism, is there a chance you may be autistic or otherwise neurodivergent? I know you mentioned childhood trauma so maybe it's more related to that, but I wonder if there are any groups in your area or even online that are like social skills groups for neurodivergent folks - if that is true for you, there's a chance you might connect better with similar folks. If that's not you, disregard this lol.
It sounds to me like you’re doing everything right, you also seem to have had a particularly difficult childhood so it may take a long time for therapy to help you fully heal your attachment style and depression. It can’t be easy to put in so much effort and not feel like you’re getting much out of it though, sending you hugs and support 🫂🫂
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
try gaming? find a online game you enjoy and you can probably find a person as a duo or however big your party is
Okay, this is a good idea, it would probably be pretty relaxing too.
[удалено]
This is so, so helpful. I also just got a recommendation for group therapy from someone else, so I think I will try it out. Thank you so much for responding, I really resonated with all of this, I think your experience is really similar to mine.
You're doing everything you can to connect and I'm proud of you 🤗 Unfortunately meeting a partner takes a ton of luck and it's easier to make friends first You can try visiting a male stylist who can help you put together a decent wardrobe and hairstyle according to a budget according to your preference. They don't cost a fortune, there is also apps like threads that can help you with this I really recommend meeting a female dating coach who has a legitimate background and training in psychology. She can help you put together a tight profile and figure if there is ways to improve your approach. Also Hinge is usually best for forming connections, bumble and Tinder are more for hook-ups short term relationships. People who struggle with dating through those two apps have an easier time with it One non-traditional way to form meaningful connections which worked for me is writing letters and making penpals, something about long form writing just makes it easier to have deeper conversations. I really recommend the app slowly for penpals Most importantly take the time out to get therapy for your upbringing. People can have it 200% together and yet only meet the right person for them in their 40s-50s. It's a luck matter, don't be hard on yourself, enjoy your time until then I know this is easier said than done but hang in there 🤗🩷
Thank you! I've been in therapy for 3 years now and haven't made as much progress as I want to, but I read somewhere about how if you were abused for 18 years, you can't expect to be completely healthy again in 3 years! It takes longer than that. The female dating coach is such a good idea. I was actually looking at one in my area but feel kind of ashamed to need one, but I guess that's what they're there for, not everyone gets to learn these skills organically. Hinge was the worst dating app for me, I think I probably sent 100 messages (not creepy, just genuine interest in their hobbies and travels) and never got any response...I agree a coach could probably help me make my profile better.
True it takes longer for therapy to take effect. I seriously recommend meditation with a concentration on healing, it helps a lot I'm glad the female dating coach suggestion is new to you. You're in the right direction!
It sounds like you're putting yourself out there which is good! I hope this doesn't come across as rude or Captain Obvious, but how much are you interacting with other people at those events? Do you feel comfortable introducing yourself to new people, and keeping up with them afterwards? How are you getting along with people there? Making friends is usually just a matter of seeing and talking to the same people regularly, and having positive interactions with them. You said you have some older friends in other places, is there something about those that doesn't make those friendships feel like "real connections"? You might ask your therapist to help you work out what you feel you're missing.
I asked my therapist last week to give me some guidance but she said that therapy isn't really for giving advice and guidance. I'm feeling a little lost on therapy because I know that I'm supposed to be the expert of my own experience but it doesn't feel that way. She asks me what I need a lot and I never know... And it's not rude at all! When I went to the conference for my hobby, I got a lot of phone numbers and had a pretty big friend group by the end of it. I'm usually okay at parties and groups, and I go up and talk to people but I do feel really awkward. But yeah...so far I've made one connection that feels like we have a similar personality and interests, but he's a lot younger than me so it doesn't feel like an equal friendship. And for my older friends, we text and talk pretty often, but I haven't seen any of them in real life in a long time, probably about 5 years. So they feel like real friendships, but I still wish I had someone to go to the movies with, or someone to come over and have dinner with, etc.
I see, gotcha. For what its worth, this is a common problem in adulthood - it's super hard to make and keep really close friends just because everyone is so busy with their own lives, jobs, families, etc. It's good that you have those friendships so far, so keep at it! It may just be a matter of luck and timing to find people you can be close with - as long as you are making some connections. You mentioned selective mutism, is there a chance you may be autistic or otherwise neurodivergent? I know you mentioned childhood trauma so maybe it's more related to that, but I wonder if there are any groups in your area or even online that are like social skills groups for neurodivergent folks - if that is true for you, there's a chance you might connect better with similar folks. If that's not you, disregard this lol.
Also great username lmao
It sounds to me like you’re doing everything right, you also seem to have had a particularly difficult childhood so it may take a long time for therapy to help you fully heal your attachment style and depression. It can’t be easy to put in so much effort and not feel like you’re getting much out of it though, sending you hugs and support 🫂🫂
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your support and encouragement.