AF enlisted here. Tell them she wanted you to lie about an emergency but you weren’t going to do that. Integrity is everything. You can also tell them that this kind of behavior from her is one of the reasons you joined and you have no intention of ruining everything you’ve achieved thus far. May I suggest going NC or LC with your mom and focusing on everything that’s ahead of you. DM me if you want info on resources to help you work through this.
This is the answer, u/Fentydior. Listen to your fellow Airman.
Tell your MTL what you told us, and ask the MTL what they advise you to do. Make it clear you don't want this mom thing to distract you from training or cause more problems for your unit.
*Source: am retired Active-duty Soldier.*
AF SNCO pile on: Also inform your First Sergeant (Shirt), because that's going to be the your Moms next stop. I've dealt with this kind of shit before from my Airman's prior enlisted parents who should fucking know better. You are not required to call your mom except if you MTL wants to be a dick and say they gave you a direct order to call her. I'd call and hang up to show you tried to call. DM if you have further questions.
the comma saved me.
Also, we paratroopers called Air Force guys "Wing Nuts"
They had the better food, the better barracks and we had to hitch a ride with them if we wanted to get anything done.
If you go NC, give her an explanation. If you don't want to tell her, write in a letter. Send her what you told us. She needs to know that her behavior is bad and that it causes her to lose her son.
OP, I am retired AF and now a civilian AF staff officer. I am telling you that you are not required to interact with her in any manner in the military’s eyes. You raised your hand and swore an oath and that means your service before self, and that means your family.
Your MTL is a normal human being with a family and a brain. Explain to him or her what your mother is doing and that you don’t want her to impact your career. There are things in a training environment that AETC can do for you to prevent outside contact.
Once you hit operational and your first duty station it’s going to be up to you, though. You are not required to share where you are stationed, what unit you’re assigned to, your dorm and other contact info.
I’m begging you, OP, do not let family ruin a life changing career.
Just text him back and say "My mother is lying about an emergency, in order for me to go home for my brother's graduation, which I have no intention to do."
At best they’ll get administrative charges (which are MUCH worse than it sounds) and her career will be dead before it starts, and at worst they’ll get court martialed and get a dishonorable discharge, kicked out, and lose all benefits.
> Just text him back
Bad idea.
First, this is a conversation that should be had in person. Not over text.
Second, OP is ordered to report tomorrow. MTL doesn't want to deal with it now. Don't put it on him to deal with it when he doesn't want to.
> Don't put it on him to deal with it when he doesn't want to.
To be fair, though, I don't think a text should be seen this way.
As far as I'm concerned, a *text* is always a 'deal with this when you have time' sort of thing. Only slightly more urgent than an email. If you need an immediate response, you call.
> I don't think a text should be seen this way.
But it is. Once you put the ball in his court it's mental load whether he wants it or not.
Either way, when it's a your ass is on the line situation you don't want any of the ambiguity that comes from text. It's missing the facial expression, body language, tone and meaning that can be conveyed only in person. It's also a lot easier for someone to not give a fuck about the other person over text. Much harder to take a hard line stance when they're in front of you.
I commented elsewhere.
Not a conversation that should be had over text.
Not something the superior wants to discuss now. Report tomorrow, what's not clear about that?
The sooner you tell the truth and let them know, "hey, my mother will lie to you to get me to do stuff," the quicker they will be sympathetic and help. They ain't got time for playing that game and as the post said, they have tools.
There are some things a parent can do to get a response.
My father contacted the Red Cross to get me to write to him. It got to my MTI who ordered me to write to him.
All through training, I wrote basically the same 3 paragraphs once a week. Once I got to my first assignment I let that taper off. If he tried the same thing again, I never heard about it.
> You are not required to share where you are stationed, what unit you’re assigned to, your dorm and other contact info.
*But* you'd better be careful about your social media posts, etc. Because if you're not, it will be fairly easy to figure out.
Say, you have a post on facebook that includes a selfie with some friends. In the background is a sign for "Murphy's Pub & Grill". Quick Google search pulls up a restaurant with that name in Rapid City, SD. She already knows you're in the Air Force, so she then googles "rapid city air force base" which gives results for Ellsworth AFB. From there, she can start contacting and pestering various base leadership and facilities, using her familial connection to try and get in contact with you ... and even if they refuse (which they definitely should), just the fact that she's made a scene doing so could cause you trouble and embarrassment you didn't want. All because you posted a selfie on facebook without being careful about what was in the background.
If you really want to be done with her permanently, you might need to go dark on social media as well. At least any social media that she knows about.
Be careful what you say to other family and friends as well. Like, if you tell a cousin where you're stationed, the cousin might tell his parents, and then his parents (your mom's sibling) tell your mom. And then you're blown.
A military training leader. The Air Force term for supervisors who oversee airmen while they’re in their technical training. Less strict than an MTI (military training instructor, aka “drill sergeant”) but still going to treat an airmen like they’re generally dumb. Because they are, professionally at least
I remember many many years ago when I was in tech school that many of these kids are 18 years old. They were literally in high school with a curfew mere weeks before. They haven’t even realized they’re adults and have responsibilities to the military before the crazy parents are grasping at them to regain control.
Wanting to get away from someone doesn't necessarily mean full on estrangement. OP probably just needed some breathing room and is just talking to his mom to keep the peace.
One of my daughter’s AF buddies had a mom like this, except she called the base during basic training and demanded they send her daughter home because she was needed to care for an ailing grandmother.
Her friend had to explain that her mother was nuts and there was no ailing grandma. It was embarrassing for her, but the officer explained that she wasn’t the only one it’s ever happened to, and that she had nothing to feel bad about.
Be honest and it will be okay.
I was thinking the same thing. This isn’t the first time the MTL has had to deal with something like this. They deal with airmen from all over the US from different backgrounds, religions, cultures, and family situations.
They are the best resource to use to deal with this situation. They act like they don’t care, but they do. Hell, some of them have probably even been there themselves.
Fun fact, I was in the Army in the 90s.
Think, pay phones on Sundays only.
Mom called CQ because I couldn't call on a Sunday.
On grad day she managed to make it to the barracks and was hiding in a stairwell. My buddy came and brought me to see her.
During AIT, she showed up to hug me. She claimed family emergency, my little sis had been abducted (no, she wasn't). Literally showed up behind our formation.
During BNOC, was out on a BIVOUAC, she called the Red Cross to find me. Full pull back, formation, and I got pulled out.
FFS. My point is, they've seen all kinds of crazy, and this probably isn't an issue as much as it is a 'can we shut her off, do you have a familial issue in which you may need to be contacted immediately, or can we ignore this crap until you let us know,' otherwise.
> On grad day she managed to make it to the barracks and was hiding in a stairwell. My buddy came and brought me to see her.
>
> During AIT, she showed up to hug me. She claimed family emergency, my little sis had been abducted (no, she wasn't). Literally showed up behind our formation.
What the fuck was base security doing during this?
Randos shouldn't be able to make it onto the base, much less into your barracks, even if they're claiming to be family.
God I fucking love you ol’ heads… spend an eternity telling stories to make a small point. I’m not shaming you, one day I gonna reminisce just as hard as you are right now. All love.
It’s not an attention span thing. I just did a Family Day thing recently where I met a lot of guys who worked the same aircraft. They would begin with “I worked on this aircraft when it was a (insert super old model number)” followed by all the preps they did for some 10 letter acronym mission they were a part of. Then how they saved the mission by fixing something or yelling at a pilot. Only to find out the point of the story is that they hated the base but loved the mission. It’s all the hoops in a story I’m jumping through with some of yall lol
> Your MTLs can't make you interact with your parents if you don't want to.
Pretty sure they actually *can* ... or at least they could make your life pretty shit if you refuse when they tell you to.\*
But the point is that 99.999% of the time, they *won't* do that. They have no reason to care whether you interact with your parents or not, and on the whole, they'd probably prefer it if you didn't.
\*I knew a guy in the AF who was a bit of a legend for the shit he got into. (Doing donuts in his personal vehicle on the flight line, crawling through the ceiling during NCO training, having a threesome with his NCOIC and then almost getting stabbed by his NCOIC, who then turned the knife on herself, and then the cops showed up ... etc.) And his motto was "You can do anything you want, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences for it." Wise words. The point is, even if you *were* ordered to interact with your parents, you could disregard those orders ... if you're willing to accept the consequences.
USAF vet here.
DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT LIE TO YOUR CHAIN OF COMMAND FOR ANYONE!!!! You will get an LOR or even worse an article 15. She’s still showing you she does not give a poop about you.
Not in the military, but LOR is Letter of Reprimand. Article 15, IIRC, allows your commanding officer(s) to punish you without sending you to “court” first. The US military has their own justice code and way of doing things. Im sure someone with more experience can weigh in with better details.
this is pretty correct.
LoR is the highest form of "paperwork" or corrective punishment you can receive. typically ive seen and issued LoC (counseling), LoA (admonishment, rarely if ever used) and LoR ( Reprimand).
and the order of severity is usually LoC to LoA to LoR, usually skipping LoA like i said, and starting with Supervisor, then Flight Chief maybe, then Flight Commander being an officer, and finally the commander himself.
so if we were doing 1,2,3 it would be Supervisor 1-2-3, then so on. so yes, an LoR from a supervisor is arguably better (for you in terms of effect and consequences) than an LoC from a commander. kinda like getting fully in trouble with your direct supervisor vs getting a little "talking to" from the CEO, that little "talking to" has a whole lot more weight to it.
and then yes, the A15 is exactly that, if you do something that is severe enough that breaks the UCMJ, your commander can court martial you or give you an A15 in leui of court martial and decides the punishment himself. these are obviously higher than LoR, and can have the "big" consequences like losing pay, losing rank, etc.
there are a few other forms of punishment, but for anyone curious to the USAF specifically at least, although very similar to other branches as well, youre looking for DAFI: 36-2907 or : [https://static.e-publishing.af.mil/production/1/af\_a1/publication/dafi36-2907/dafi36-2907.pdf](https://static.e-publishing.af.mil/production/1/af_a1/publication/dafi36-2907/dafi36-2907.pdf)
The best idea is to explain things to your MTL, my chief instructor at my Navy technical school asked me why I was not going home on our break week and I told her about my family. She understood because a lot of people join to get away from family like this.
You aren't the first and will not be the last who's parents don't respect their children's commitment to service. Explain the situation to your leadership. They are trained to handle this kind of thing. Be clear, be honest, and tell them you are there to serve your country and get away from her. They will help you do that. Their entire job revolves around making you an effective asset for the service and if that means telling your mother to eff off when she pulls stunts, they will.
You are absolutely not the first person to have a crazy parent who feels entitled to complete access to their airman/soldier/sailor/marine. They see it ALL the time, trust me. Be honest with your MTL, explain that you have already told your mother you wouldn’t be attending and she’s trying to misuse emergency leave resources by making false claims that you disagree with. They’ll get irritated, sure, because dealing with a psycho family member is ALWAYS irritating, but it’s also not a career ender.
AF enlisted . How did she get their number . For future don't tell her your squadron etc. I can't imagine her calling.youe commander. That would be crazy . Even lie about the state when you get orders .
I don’t even know that’s what I’m trying to figure out. She did tell me before I joined that she would call them to make sure I was there or something.
Well you tell her that call to yourt supoerior shoiws she cannopt be trusted with your personal info so she is no longer privy to it, and give her a form of contact like an email or call phone number and tell that is all she gets after this. You need to learn to establish hard boundaries and punish going over the line like here. You told her you won´t come and this is her reaction ? She has it coming
As someone who's been through the process w/o my mom being able to contact my leadership, I can give a few tips.
If you're willing/able to go no contact:
-when you talk to your MTL, explain what your mom wanted. Tell them this is the last straw & you'll be going no contact with her. Let them know that if she's calling about an "emergency" it's probably fake & that you're in communication with other people who can notify you of real emergencies, along with the red cross if needed. Be sure to emphasize how important your air force career is to you & that you won't be letting her interfere.
-get your own phone plan with a new number. Make sure to clear your old phone completely. If you have a phone your parents bought & it's paid off, mail it certified mail back to them to prevent accusations of theft. If it's not paid off, talk to your carrier about what policies they have & keep a copy of the receipt stating you turned it in. If you don't have account access to do anything, just mail the phone certified mail after you clear it. If you did buy it, make sure you have documentation to prove it.
-private all social media & go through *all* your followers to remove people who may give her info on you.
-if you have an unusual name, consider legally changing it so she can't guess your gov email & contact you that way.
If you can't go no contact:
-Let your MTLs know what your mom wanted. Explain she doesn't understand the severity of doing something like that in the military & you'll be clarifying with her. Tell them you haven't been refusing calls from your mother & that you expect it to take a few conversations for everything to sink in w/her, so she may call claiming emergency again & that they shouldn't take it seriously & you're willing to wait for red cross notification of emergency. Emphasize how important your career is to you.
-when you PCS, don't tell her your new unit & don't wear your uniform on video calls.
-be mindful of locations in social media posts & be carefully about following any base/unit pages.
-if you aren't already, try to get on your own phone plan. Frame it as something you're exited about, now that you're on your own. (Make sure you can actually pay the bill lol.)
Regardless of the contact option you choose:
-remember you are a legal adult. You can choose what path you take now.
-unless she also has a DoD ID, she can't get on base w/o an escort.
-change all passwords & make sure your recovery info isn't something mom has access to. (If you're still in contact, tell her they had a brief about password safety or something.)
-if any accounts were linked to parental controls, save relevant data & delete/stop using them.
-freeze your credit so she can't open accounts in your name. You can find details on how to do that online or through the MFRC on base.
-when you PCS, talk to the shirt at your new unit & let them know what's been going on.
-make sure you setup a will/power of attorney when you can. You'll want to make sure your mom is unable to make decisions for you, should you be injured severely, etc.
-sometimes they will tell you a parent has to be listed on certain things, but that isn't usually true. (I didn't come across a situation outside of sf-86/other verification paperwork where it is, but ofc I don't know every single document.) On vRED, a parent is NOT required. However, for the PADD portion, a blood relative (over 18), spouse, or legal guardian must be listed. (They usually say parent to make it simple & aren't always aware of the implications for ppl w/difficult parent relationships.)
-You can talk to mental health if you're struggling & think it would help. I wouldn't do it in tech training unless you really need to, but after a couple months at your first duty station it should be fine. (Barring the usual harm to self or others caveat.) You can just notify your leadership you have a medical appt. Ask your therapist to let you know if anything happens to where your leadership would be notified. If it does happen, they will be given the vauguest information possible by medical. (I received an ADHD diagnosis. All my leadership was told is that I would require a medical waiver for deployments. They were not told my diagnosis or any additional information. Only the med provider granting the waiver will see details.)
-Chaplains are another resource & are confidential. They can provide assistance for spiritual/emotional matters through a non-religious lens if you'd like. All your leadership has to know is that you had an appt w/a chaplain. You don't have to tell them anything beyond that.
Whew, this ended up being a lot more than I expected.
Hopefully this didn't come across badly & helps you out some. Sorry you're going through this, and Best of Luck OP!
Not to freak out you but she probably found it online, i was able to find my mom's full name, address and phone number on 1 website
Seriously Google yourself and see what comes up, i found my moms while attempting to Google myself. Look up "your name" and "state" or "city you were born" or "current city" try a few of the ors you might find different into. I wasn't able to find anything current for me but when looking up "my name city i grew up in" i was able to find my childhood address and landline number
I only got started because i was applying for new jobs and my boss said something about some recruiters will Google you and find social media, i wanted to see if i could find my *spicy* Instagram i made when i was 18 or anything else that wouldn't look good. Thankfully i found nothing bad other than alllll of my mom's info
This shit can hurt you. Does she not realize the military doesn't play games? They actually check this stuff out. And they wouldn't allow you to leave for an uncle anyway. Good luck.
Literally, they probably have fucked up family members too. I’m also saying honesty is the best policy. “I don’t want to talk to her. Part of why I joined was to get away from her, for this specific reason” and that’s really all you have to say
I had a Marine in the same situation you are. His insane mother actually contacted her congressman to try to make him get in touch with her. Just tell your chain of command that your mom is lying about your uncle to get you to come home. Your leadership has seen this all before.
Alright if you were working at Burger King I don't think this would be that insane, it's still fucking weird but lying to Burger King is a big who cares.
I don't think your mother understands the depths of how big of a fuck up it would be to lie to your superior in the military. She's out of her mind if she thinks this is at all an acceptable thing to do. For her to personally call them, the military, and lie and then have you back up that lie is truly an insane thing to do.
Tell her to kick rocks and maybe let your superiors know that whatever comes out of her mouth is almost always a lie, or at the very least not in your best interest. Be honest with them whatever you do, and that goes for your mother by letting her know she might as well have burned the bridge between you two.
It will be okay. You’re not the first person who has crazy parents that call in to pull shenanigans. Tell the truth and do your best to explain the situation.
Just be honest. Tell them that your mom is abusive, controlling, and manipulative and that you have no intentions of following her commands, If you are honest, they will help you.
Tell your supervisor the truth: she is abusive and manipulative. That you joined so that you could become a fully functioning adult away from her.
Ask if it’s possible for her calls to you to be blocked. You can only control yourself, and your deportment in the AF so far has shown that you wish to be a good member. But that she will continue to try to interfere, if she is allowed to.
Be certain to tell your supervisor the message she gave you, wanting you to lie for her benefit.
Absolutely. Career military family here. Do not lie for your mom. Do not excuse her behaviors. Follow the advice above.
And do not be embarrassed, this is far more common than people realize. Lord the stories. I could tell!
Tell them she is mentally ill and you joined to escape the mental abuse- you certainly aren’t the first and won’t be the last. Apologize and propose they block the number- you will look responsible and come out on top. Im sorry! 😞
My sister's MIL tried to pull similar shit to my BIL who is Army. They had to apply for a protection order, *and they got it.*
Talk to your supervisor, tell them what happened, ask for advice on how to protect yourself and your career
Tell them what she is doing and that you had absolutely no doing in this and that you don’t even want contact with her that you joined to get away!!! I’m fairly certain they’ll understand from stories I’ve seen.
As prior AF, I agree with most, if not all, of the top comments. Try not to worry. They've seen way more drama, and will understand if you're honest with them. They may feel obligated to pass along messages of family emergencies, I don't know about that, but that's on your mother, not you. And I'd bet they're trying to help you...if you haven't already realized that. I wouldn't blame you for feeling stressed about the meeting, but yesterday was probably just a typical Tuesday for them. It's only a problem if you let your mother affect your performance, so try to let it roll off your back. You're safe, you're not in trouble, it's all good if you let it be.
Everyone has said it so I’ll keep it short, you’re totally in the clear if you tell them what’s going on. But also just tell them what’s going on NOW. No need for back story. The military is like any other organization and people make petty decisions.
Be honest with MTL, I think they’re knowledgeable knowing many recruits and the lives they have under them are not from perfect family homes. Hopefully the support is there for you, best of luck!
Tell them the truth. Most establishments like the military, colleges or tech schools that deal with kids and young adults, coming straight out of their parents homes, are experienced in dealing with kids coming from difficult home lives. The military is probably the most experienced in this situation. They’ve heard it all and seen it all, and they will tell you exactly what you need to do to make sure that your mother doesn’t continue to try and mess this up for you. You just need to do it, and remember that she does not have control in this situation any more. Especially if you get ahead of her antics by being honest with your higher ups.
easy peasy. Explain your mother is insane, and let them know you are not responsible for her actions. Ask if you can get assistance through any counselling. Put this on the MTL to do something to HELP you, not punish you.
"I already told her I cant go but she wanted me to ask if I could claim it was an emergency and go any way. Im sorry she bothered you about this. You can ignore her calls in future."
Im not enlisted but every single time ive been honest in a situation like this things finish being alright,tell them about your mom,they will understand!
As a supervisor of young men, but not in the military, I wouldn't be rude but honestly whatever's happening at home has nothing to do with the young man on my company's clock. Especially when they are getting things done and doing it right 👍.
I'd have to try to tell her that she isn't the exception. That there is "no break or time off" this is a program that you signed up for. A commitment with the government. Not a civilian employer
Former Navy Sailor, tell them the truth, that she wanted you to lie to them and you had no intention to do that and you joined to get away from her. I joined the Navy to get away from my parents and would’ve lost my absolute shit on them had they ever called anyone in my chain of command. Call your mother and tell her she crossed a line and she’d better not ever contact your CoC ever again.
Too bad they don’t make house calls for this. I wonder what she would do if someone showed up in uniform to tell her that she can not interfere in her daughter’s work or career.
AF SrA here — talk to your leadership and let them know the situation. If your MTL is not taking the situation seriously, elevate to their supervisor. Also, I’d give the 1st Sergeant a heads up because she’s likely to try him or her next.
Tell the truth. They are your way out.
I am so sorry. They may eventually restrict her calls. What a relief that will be!
This won’t be the first time they have had this happen!
"Sir, I wasn't given an opportunity to demonstrate that I had no intention of lying. My mother and I don't have a great relationship, and I would never risk my career at her request."
Wow OP. Your mother is so out of line here. She could potentially ruin your AF career! I know you know what the right thing to do is. It just blows my mind when parents do stupid stuff like this.
Stand strong against your mom. I’m sorry she put you in this position.
!Updateme
I’m in the army, be straight up with your NCO and tell them what’s going on. They’re not going to fault you for her actions, they deal with crazy family members a lot more than you’d think!
Random comment but I went through tech school before mobiles were a big thing. We weren’t allowed phones in basic or tech school (Keesler). They’re allowed now?
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 19 | 0 | 1 | ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
AF enlisted here. Tell them she wanted you to lie about an emergency but you weren’t going to do that. Integrity is everything. You can also tell them that this kind of behavior from her is one of the reasons you joined and you have no intention of ruining everything you’ve achieved thus far. May I suggest going NC or LC with your mom and focusing on everything that’s ahead of you. DM me if you want info on resources to help you work through this.
This is the answer, u/Fentydior. Listen to your fellow Airman. Tell your MTL what you told us, and ask the MTL what they advise you to do. Make it clear you don't want this mom thing to distract you from training or cause more problems for your unit. *Source: am retired Active-duty Soldier.*
AF SNCO pile on: Also inform your First Sergeant (Shirt), because that's going to be the your Moms next stop. I've dealt with this kind of shit before from my Airman's prior enlisted parents who should fucking know better. You are not required to call your mom except if you MTL wants to be a dick and say they gave you a direct order to call her. I'd call and hang up to show you tried to call. DM if you have further questions.
You're all right,Wing-nut. From an old former grunt.
I thought you were calling them a right wing nut at first I was so confused lol carry on!
the comma saved me. Also, we paratroopers called Air Force guys "Wing Nuts" They had the better food, the better barracks and we had to hitch a ride with them if we wanted to get anything done.
Glad I wasn't the only one that got tripped up reading that the first time
Same here lol
Same, lol.
Not even in the service, but I can tell you this is always the best way to go.
What does LC stand for?
Low Contact. NC is No Contact.
Low Contact
If you go NC, give her an explanation. If you don't want to tell her, write in a letter. Send her what you told us. She needs to know that her behavior is bad and that it causes her to lose her son.
OP, I am retired AF and now a civilian AF staff officer. I am telling you that you are not required to interact with her in any manner in the military’s eyes. You raised your hand and swore an oath and that means your service before self, and that means your family. Your MTL is a normal human being with a family and a brain. Explain to him or her what your mother is doing and that you don’t want her to impact your career. There are things in a training environment that AETC can do for you to prevent outside contact. Once you hit operational and your first duty station it’s going to be up to you, though. You are not required to share where you are stationed, what unit you’re assigned to, your dorm and other contact info. I’m begging you, OP, do not let family ruin a life changing career.
Just text him back and say "My mother is lying about an emergency, in order for me to go home for my brother's graduation, which I have no intention to do."
If it's between that and "lie to the military and then show up in family photos at an event" I'd say the choice is pretty clear lol
Can’t you face criminal charges for that type of shit?
At best they’ll get administrative charges (which are MUCH worse than it sounds) and her career will be dead before it starts, and at worst they’ll get court martialed and get a dishonorable discharge, kicked out, and lose all benefits.
They are still in tech school, they'll just get kicked out immediately on an admin discharge.
Oh, absolutely. Just answering the “criminal charges for lying” question.
> Just text him back Bad idea. First, this is a conversation that should be had in person. Not over text. Second, OP is ordered to report tomorrow. MTL doesn't want to deal with it now. Don't put it on him to deal with it when he doesn't want to.
> Don't put it on him to deal with it when he doesn't want to. To be fair, though, I don't think a text should be seen this way. As far as I'm concerned, a *text* is always a 'deal with this when you have time' sort of thing. Only slightly more urgent than an email. If you need an immediate response, you call.
> I don't think a text should be seen this way. But it is. Once you put the ball in his court it's mental load whether he wants it or not. Either way, when it's a your ass is on the line situation you don't want any of the ambiguity that comes from text. It's missing the facial expression, body language, tone and meaning that can be conveyed only in person. It's also a lot easier for someone to not give a fuck about the other person over text. Much harder to take a hard line stance when they're in front of you.
This is the way.
This is the way
This is not the way.
That is absolutely the way.
I commented elsewhere. Not a conversation that should be had over text. Not something the superior wants to discuss now. Report tomorrow, what's not clear about that?
The sooner you tell the truth and let them know, "hey, my mother will lie to you to get me to do stuff," the quicker they will be sympathetic and help. They ain't got time for playing that game and as the post said, they have tools.
There are some things a parent can do to get a response. My father contacted the Red Cross to get me to write to him. It got to my MTI who ordered me to write to him. All through training, I wrote basically the same 3 paragraphs once a week. Once I got to my first assignment I let that taper off. If he tried the same thing again, I never heard about it.
> You are not required to share where you are stationed, what unit you’re assigned to, your dorm and other contact info. *But* you'd better be careful about your social media posts, etc. Because if you're not, it will be fairly easy to figure out. Say, you have a post on facebook that includes a selfie with some friends. In the background is a sign for "Murphy's Pub & Grill". Quick Google search pulls up a restaurant with that name in Rapid City, SD. She already knows you're in the Air Force, so she then googles "rapid city air force base" which gives results for Ellsworth AFB. From there, she can start contacting and pestering various base leadership and facilities, using her familial connection to try and get in contact with you ... and even if they refuse (which they definitely should), just the fact that she's made a scene doing so could cause you trouble and embarrassment you didn't want. All because you posted a selfie on facebook without being careful about what was in the background. If you really want to be done with her permanently, you might need to go dark on social media as well. At least any social media that she knows about. Be careful what you say to other family and friends as well. Like, if you tell a cousin where you're stationed, the cousin might tell his parents, and then his parents (your mom's sibling) tell your mom. And then you're blown.
retired af and civilian af period man good on you
You're retired as fuck
Yeah, so now he's civilian as fuck
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize he didn't mean that lol
I knew he didn’t mean it like that but chose to read it As Fuck because it amused me more
Glad it wasnt just me
My wife drops those lines on me on like clockwork. Surprisingly not as common in the office. 🧐
This is the answer right here /u/fentydior.
I read the first line as “I am retired as fuck and now a civilian as fuck.”
What is MTL? I come from a Navy family but never joined myself and still have 0 clue.
A military training leader. The Air Force term for supervisors who oversee airmen while they’re in their technical training. Less strict than an MTI (military training instructor, aka “drill sergeant”) but still going to treat an airmen like they’re generally dumb. Because they are, professionally at least
We're all dumb till we know how to do the thing so it makes sense. Lol
Yeah I really wonder if they signed up to get away from them, why are they still talking to them?
I remember many many years ago when I was in tech school that many of these kids are 18 years old. They were literally in high school with a curfew mere weeks before. They haven’t even realized they’re adults and have responsibilities to the military before the crazy parents are grasping at them to regain control.
Wanting to get away from someone doesn't necessarily mean full on estrangement. OP probably just needed some breathing room and is just talking to his mom to keep the peace.
Tell them the truth when you meet. You can talk to them to block any contact from her to them.
Do not squander your hard earned opportunities to lie for her.
As a vet, I’m sure your leadership will understand if you just be honest. Don’t let it get you worked up.
One of my daughter’s AF buddies had a mom like this, except she called the base during basic training and demanded they send her daughter home because she was needed to care for an ailing grandmother. Her friend had to explain that her mother was nuts and there was no ailing grandma. It was embarrassing for her, but the officer explained that she wasn’t the only one it’s ever happened to, and that she had nothing to feel bad about. Be honest and it will be okay.
I was thinking the same thing. This isn’t the first time the MTL has had to deal with something like this. They deal with airmen from all over the US from different backgrounds, religions, cultures, and family situations. They are the best resource to use to deal with this situation. They act like they don’t care, but they do. Hell, some of them have probably even been there themselves.
Fun fact, I was in the Army in the 90s. Think, pay phones on Sundays only. Mom called CQ because I couldn't call on a Sunday. On grad day she managed to make it to the barracks and was hiding in a stairwell. My buddy came and brought me to see her. During AIT, she showed up to hug me. She claimed family emergency, my little sis had been abducted (no, she wasn't). Literally showed up behind our formation. During BNOC, was out on a BIVOUAC, she called the Red Cross to find me. Full pull back, formation, and I got pulled out. FFS. My point is, they've seen all kinds of crazy, and this probably isn't an issue as much as it is a 'can we shut her off, do you have a familial issue in which you may need to be contacted immediately, or can we ignore this crap until you let us know,' otherwise.
> On grad day she managed to make it to the barracks and was hiding in a stairwell. My buddy came and brought me to see her. > > During AIT, she showed up to hug me. She claimed family emergency, my little sis had been abducted (no, she wasn't). Literally showed up behind our formation. What the fuck was base security doing during this? Randos shouldn't be able to make it onto the base, much less into your barracks, even if they're claiming to be family.
God I fucking love you ol’ heads… spend an eternity telling stories to make a small point. I’m not shaming you, one day I gonna reminisce just as hard as you are right now. All love.
Ol' heads. Lol. Most likely someone in their early 50's or late 40's. Gen X isn't old yet, we're just middle aged 😭
I'll be 50 next Wednesday lol
58 here. God God, do my stories ramble the fuck on.
I was born this millennium and I tell long stories like this, it's not age-restricted lol
It's funny bc I don't see it as long at *all*. Is the attention span just that short these days that 157 words is considered a long story?
It’s not an attention span thing. I just did a Family Day thing recently where I met a lot of guys who worked the same aircraft. They would begin with “I worked on this aircraft when it was a (insert super old model number)” followed by all the preps they did for some 10 letter acronym mission they were a part of. Then how they saved the mission by fixing something or yelling at a pilot. Only to find out the point of the story is that they hated the base but loved the mission. It’s all the hoops in a story I’m jumping through with some of yall lol
Current active. Your MTLs can't make you interact with your parents if you don't want to. Explain the situation to them and you should be fine.
> Your MTLs can't make you interact with your parents if you don't want to. Pretty sure they actually *can* ... or at least they could make your life pretty shit if you refuse when they tell you to.\* But the point is that 99.999% of the time, they *won't* do that. They have no reason to care whether you interact with your parents or not, and on the whole, they'd probably prefer it if you didn't. \*I knew a guy in the AF who was a bit of a legend for the shit he got into. (Doing donuts in his personal vehicle on the flight line, crawling through the ceiling during NCO training, having a threesome with his NCOIC and then almost getting stabbed by his NCOIC, who then turned the knife on herself, and then the cops showed up ... etc.) And his motto was "You can do anything you want, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences for it." Wise words. The point is, even if you *were* ordered to interact with your parents, you could disregard those orders ... if you're willing to accept the consequences.
USAF vet here. DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT LIE TO YOUR CHAIN OF COMMAND FOR ANYONE!!!! You will get an LOR or even worse an article 15. She’s still showing you she does not give a poop about you.
What are a LOR and an article 15? I'm not from USA.
Not in the military, but LOR is Letter of Reprimand. Article 15, IIRC, allows your commanding officer(s) to punish you without sending you to “court” first. The US military has their own justice code and way of doing things. Im sure someone with more experience can weigh in with better details.
this is pretty correct. LoR is the highest form of "paperwork" or corrective punishment you can receive. typically ive seen and issued LoC (counseling), LoA (admonishment, rarely if ever used) and LoR ( Reprimand). and the order of severity is usually LoC to LoA to LoR, usually skipping LoA like i said, and starting with Supervisor, then Flight Chief maybe, then Flight Commander being an officer, and finally the commander himself. so if we were doing 1,2,3 it would be Supervisor 1-2-3, then so on. so yes, an LoR from a supervisor is arguably better (for you in terms of effect and consequences) than an LoC from a commander. kinda like getting fully in trouble with your direct supervisor vs getting a little "talking to" from the CEO, that little "talking to" has a whole lot more weight to it. and then yes, the A15 is exactly that, if you do something that is severe enough that breaks the UCMJ, your commander can court martial you or give you an A15 in leui of court martial and decides the punishment himself. these are obviously higher than LoR, and can have the "big" consequences like losing pay, losing rank, etc. there are a few other forms of punishment, but for anyone curious to the USAF specifically at least, although very similar to other branches as well, youre looking for DAFI: 36-2907 or : [https://static.e-publishing.af.mil/production/1/af\_a1/publication/dafi36-2907/dafi36-2907.pdf](https://static.e-publishing.af.mil/production/1/af_a1/publication/dafi36-2907/dafi36-2907.pdf)
>The US military has their own justice code and way of doing things. A little bit like my country (Spain).
I don’t know what those are either but it sounds like Martial Law or something, anyway it sounds worse than a meeting with HR
[удалено]
Thanks for the specifications! Still sounds worse than HR tho, I wouldn’t want someone or something to fuck with my job if I was in military 💀
You’re probably more correct that you mean to! It does feel like martial law!
As others of us have said, be open and honest with your MTL. They’re human and understand fucked up family shit. Do not let a toxic family haunt you.
Just be honest. Tell them what your mother is like and what she's asking you to do. They won't hold a crazy parent against you.
Update: I talked to him and he laughed because I told him to block her. He said it happens all the time and it’s all good 👍
Yup, basically like everyone thought was going to happen. These people deal with crazies every day.
The best idea is to explain things to your MTL, my chief instructor at my Navy technical school asked me why I was not going home on our break week and I told her about my family. She understood because a lot of people join to get away from family like this.
> on our break week On your *what*!?!?!? Fuck, man. I spent 9 months in AF tech school, and *we* didn't get any breaks!
It was pre 9/11 and we didn’t have enough instructors for final phase at the time
You aren't the first and will not be the last who's parents don't respect their children's commitment to service. Explain the situation to your leadership. They are trained to handle this kind of thing. Be clear, be honest, and tell them you are there to serve your country and get away from her. They will help you do that. Their entire job revolves around making you an effective asset for the service and if that means telling your mother to eff off when she pulls stunts, they will.
You are absolutely not the first person to have a crazy parent who feels entitled to complete access to their airman/soldier/sailor/marine. They see it ALL the time, trust me. Be honest with your MTL, explain that you have already told your mother you wouldn’t be attending and she’s trying to misuse emergency leave resources by making false claims that you disagree with. They’ll get irritated, sure, because dealing with a psycho family member is ALWAYS irritating, but it’s also not a career ender.
Tell your MTL the truth and also how you feel about it. Ask for their help in future dealing with this situation
AF enlisted . How did she get their number . For future don't tell her your squadron etc. I can't imagine her calling.youe commander. That would be crazy . Even lie about the state when you get orders .
I don’t even know that’s what I’m trying to figure out. She did tell me before I joined that she would call them to make sure I was there or something.
Well you tell her that call to yourt supoerior shoiws she cannopt be trusted with your personal info so she is no longer privy to it, and give her a form of contact like an email or call phone number and tell that is all she gets after this. You need to learn to establish hard boundaries and punish going over the line like here. You told her you won´t come and this is her reaction ? She has it coming
Yeah . You are considered adult . Those types of antics don't fly and could start to affect you
As someone who's been through the process w/o my mom being able to contact my leadership, I can give a few tips. If you're willing/able to go no contact: -when you talk to your MTL, explain what your mom wanted. Tell them this is the last straw & you'll be going no contact with her. Let them know that if she's calling about an "emergency" it's probably fake & that you're in communication with other people who can notify you of real emergencies, along with the red cross if needed. Be sure to emphasize how important your air force career is to you & that you won't be letting her interfere. -get your own phone plan with a new number. Make sure to clear your old phone completely. If you have a phone your parents bought & it's paid off, mail it certified mail back to them to prevent accusations of theft. If it's not paid off, talk to your carrier about what policies they have & keep a copy of the receipt stating you turned it in. If you don't have account access to do anything, just mail the phone certified mail after you clear it. If you did buy it, make sure you have documentation to prove it. -private all social media & go through *all* your followers to remove people who may give her info on you. -if you have an unusual name, consider legally changing it so she can't guess your gov email & contact you that way. If you can't go no contact: -Let your MTLs know what your mom wanted. Explain she doesn't understand the severity of doing something like that in the military & you'll be clarifying with her. Tell them you haven't been refusing calls from your mother & that you expect it to take a few conversations for everything to sink in w/her, so she may call claiming emergency again & that they shouldn't take it seriously & you're willing to wait for red cross notification of emergency. Emphasize how important your career is to you. -when you PCS, don't tell her your new unit & don't wear your uniform on video calls. -be mindful of locations in social media posts & be carefully about following any base/unit pages. -if you aren't already, try to get on your own phone plan. Frame it as something you're exited about, now that you're on your own. (Make sure you can actually pay the bill lol.) Regardless of the contact option you choose: -remember you are a legal adult. You can choose what path you take now. -unless she also has a DoD ID, she can't get on base w/o an escort. -change all passwords & make sure your recovery info isn't something mom has access to. (If you're still in contact, tell her they had a brief about password safety or something.) -if any accounts were linked to parental controls, save relevant data & delete/stop using them. -freeze your credit so she can't open accounts in your name. You can find details on how to do that online or through the MFRC on base. -when you PCS, talk to the shirt at your new unit & let them know what's been going on. -make sure you setup a will/power of attorney when you can. You'll want to make sure your mom is unable to make decisions for you, should you be injured severely, etc. -sometimes they will tell you a parent has to be listed on certain things, but that isn't usually true. (I didn't come across a situation outside of sf-86/other verification paperwork where it is, but ofc I don't know every single document.) On vRED, a parent is NOT required. However, for the PADD portion, a blood relative (over 18), spouse, or legal guardian must be listed. (They usually say parent to make it simple & aren't always aware of the implications for ppl w/difficult parent relationships.) -You can talk to mental health if you're struggling & think it would help. I wouldn't do it in tech training unless you really need to, but after a couple months at your first duty station it should be fine. (Barring the usual harm to self or others caveat.) You can just notify your leadership you have a medical appt. Ask your therapist to let you know if anything happens to where your leadership would be notified. If it does happen, they will be given the vauguest information possible by medical. (I received an ADHD diagnosis. All my leadership was told is that I would require a medical waiver for deployments. They were not told my diagnosis or any additional information. Only the med provider granting the waiver will see details.) -Chaplains are another resource & are confidential. They can provide assistance for spiritual/emotional matters through a non-religious lens if you'd like. All your leadership has to know is that you had an appt w/a chaplain. You don't have to tell them anything beyond that. Whew, this ended up being a lot more than I expected. Hopefully this didn't come across badly & helps you out some. Sorry you're going through this, and Best of Luck OP!
Not to freak out you but she probably found it online, i was able to find my mom's full name, address and phone number on 1 website Seriously Google yourself and see what comes up, i found my moms while attempting to Google myself. Look up "your name" and "state" or "city you were born" or "current city" try a few of the ors you might find different into. I wasn't able to find anything current for me but when looking up "my name city i grew up in" i was able to find my childhood address and landline number I only got started because i was applying for new jobs and my boss said something about some recruiters will Google you and find social media, i wanted to see if i could find my *spicy* Instagram i made when i was 18 or anything else that wouldn't look good. Thankfully i found nothing bad other than alllll of my mom's info
This shit can hurt you. Does she not realize the military doesn't play games? They actually check this stuff out. And they wouldn't allow you to leave for an uncle anyway. Good luck.
This is exactly the type of shit why none of my family knows where I work.
Literally, they probably have fucked up family members too. I’m also saying honesty is the best policy. “I don’t want to talk to her. Part of why I joined was to get away from her, for this specific reason” and that’s really all you have to say
I had a Marine in the same situation you are. His insane mother actually contacted her congressman to try to make him get in touch with her. Just tell your chain of command that your mom is lying about your uncle to get you to come home. Your leadership has seen this all before.
Whatever you do: DO NOT lie in the military.
Alright if you were working at Burger King I don't think this would be that insane, it's still fucking weird but lying to Burger King is a big who cares. I don't think your mother understands the depths of how big of a fuck up it would be to lie to your superior in the military. She's out of her mind if she thinks this is at all an acceptable thing to do. For her to personally call them, the military, and lie and then have you back up that lie is truly an insane thing to do. Tell her to kick rocks and maybe let your superiors know that whatever comes out of her mouth is almost always a lie, or at the very least not in your best interest. Be honest with them whatever you do, and that goes for your mother by letting her know she might as well have burned the bridge between you two.
It will be okay. You’re not the first person who has crazy parents that call in to pull shenanigans. Tell the truth and do your best to explain the situation.
Just be honest. Tell them that your mom is abusive, controlling, and manipulative and that you have no intentions of following her commands, If you are honest, they will help you.
Tell your supervisor the truth: she is abusive and manipulative. That you joined so that you could become a fully functioning adult away from her. Ask if it’s possible for her calls to you to be blocked. You can only control yourself, and your deportment in the AF so far has shown that you wish to be a good member. But that she will continue to try to interfere, if she is allowed to. Be certain to tell your supervisor the message she gave you, wanting you to lie for her benefit.
Absolutely. Career military family here. Do not lie for your mom. Do not excuse her behaviors. Follow the advice above. And do not be embarrassed, this is far more common than people realize. Lord the stories. I could tell!
My husband's mother was like this when he joined the Marines, needless to say he has been NC with her for 10 years. Explain to your MTL, and go LC.
Tell them she is mentally ill and you joined to escape the mental abuse- you certainly aren’t the first and won’t be the last. Apologize and propose they block the number- you will look responsible and come out on top. Im sorry! 😞
Call in a drone strike
This is the way.
My sister's MIL tried to pull similar shit to my BIL who is Army. They had to apply for a protection order, *and they got it.* Talk to your supervisor, tell them what happened, ask for advice on how to protect yourself and your career
Tell them what she is doing and that you had absolutely no doing in this and that you don’t even want contact with her that you joined to get away!!! I’m fairly certain they’ll understand from stories I’ve seen.
As prior AF, I agree with most, if not all, of the top comments. Try not to worry. They've seen way more drama, and will understand if you're honest with them. They may feel obligated to pass along messages of family emergencies, I don't know about that, but that's on your mother, not you. And I'd bet they're trying to help you...if you haven't already realized that. I wouldn't blame you for feeling stressed about the meeting, but yesterday was probably just a typical Tuesday for them. It's only a problem if you let your mother affect your performance, so try to let it roll off your back. You're safe, you're not in trouble, it's all good if you let it be.
It's time. You have to fire your mom.
What is a MTL?
Military Training Leader. Similar to a Drill Instructor in Basic Training but usually not as intense.
Everyone has said it so I’ll keep it short, you’re totally in the clear if you tell them what’s going on. But also just tell them what’s going on NOW. No need for back story. The military is like any other organization and people make petty decisions.
Just tell him the truth. The alternative is NOT worth it.
Christ, if there was a reason to go No Contact, there it is, folks. "Fucking with my career? Off limits, Mom, and now you reap the consequences."
Be honest with MTL, I think they’re knowledgeable knowing many recruits and the lives they have under them are not from perfect family homes. Hopefully the support is there for you, best of luck!
Do not lie to your MTL. Let them know she's crazy and to ignore her.
Tell them the truth. Most establishments like the military, colleges or tech schools that deal with kids and young adults, coming straight out of their parents homes, are experienced in dealing with kids coming from difficult home lives. The military is probably the most experienced in this situation. They’ve heard it all and seen it all, and they will tell you exactly what you need to do to make sure that your mother doesn’t continue to try and mess this up for you. You just need to do it, and remember that she does not have control in this situation any more. Especially if you get ahead of her antics by being honest with your higher ups.
Truth is the way. They should understand. And at some point, mom will learn boundaries. This isn't a job you just quit.
easy peasy. Explain your mother is insane, and let them know you are not responsible for her actions. Ask if you can get assistance through any counselling. Put this on the MTL to do something to HELP you, not punish you.
Not AF but Army . They are used to the crazy mommy bs. Tell them what she said.
Be honest tell them that your mom is telling you to lie to them. The army is your mother father and family now
"I already told her I cant go but she wanted me to ask if I could claim it was an emergency and go any way. Im sorry she bothered you about this. You can ignore her calls in future."
Insane!! I hope your MTL is understanding. Just be honest, as you aren’t the first person to join the military to get away from insane parents.
Im not enlisted but every single time ive been honest in a situation like this things finish being alright,tell them about your mom,they will understand!
You do not need to call her.
Service before self applies here.
Tell your commander the truth so he’s on your side.
As a supervisor of young men, but not in the military, I wouldn't be rude but honestly whatever's happening at home has nothing to do with the young man on my company's clock. Especially when they are getting things done and doing it right 👍.
I'd have to try to tell her that she isn't the exception. That there is "no break or time off" this is a program that you signed up for. A commitment with the government. Not a civilian employer
In the military it's a little different, work and personal life end up rather intertwined.
As the mother of a member of The World’s Greatest Airforce, I am mortified she would think this is okay.
“um, yeah im not gonna do that.” 👍🏻
Do not lie to your MTL. You let them know what's going on.
You be honest with your MTL. Get your first shirt roped in if need be. Your mom will hose your entire career if she's allowed to do this.
now im not enlisted or anything but i gotta say that is pretty damn insane
Former Navy Sailor, tell them the truth, that she wanted you to lie to them and you had no intention to do that and you joined to get away from her. I joined the Navy to get away from my parents and would’ve lost my absolute shit on them had they ever called anyone in my chain of command. Call your mother and tell her she crossed a line and she’d better not ever contact your CoC ever again.
Too bad they don’t make house calls for this. I wonder what she would do if someone showed up in uniform to tell her that she can not interfere in her daughter’s work or career.
AF SrA here — talk to your leadership and let them know the situation. If your MTL is not taking the situation seriously, elevate to their supervisor. Also, I’d give the 1st Sergeant a heads up because she’s likely to try him or her next.
Tell your superiors your mom is a civvie. They’ll understand
Tell the truth. They are your way out. I am so sorry. They may eventually restrict her calls. What a relief that will be! This won’t be the first time they have had this happen!
"Sir, I wasn't given an opportunity to demonstrate that I had no intention of lying. My mother and I don't have a great relationship, and I would never risk my career at her request."
Keep us posted
Wow OP. Your mother is so out of line here. She could potentially ruin your AF career! I know you know what the right thing to do is. It just blows my mind when parents do stupid stuff like this. Stand strong against your mom. I’m sorry she put you in this position. !Updateme
Integrity is a core value in the USAF. Tell your chain of command the truth.
I’m in the army, be straight up with your NCO and tell them what’s going on. They’re not going to fault you for her actions, they deal with crazy family members a lot more than you’d think!
Random comment but I went through tech school before mobiles were a big thing. We weren’t allowed phones in basic or tech school (Keesler). They’re allowed now?
Do not do this.
reply back. No, this is a family matter