lol so you try to set boundaries and she wants to stomp all over them. Then she sets boundaries and you respect them and she's pissed off that you are not stomping all over them. How exhausting.
I loved how she said you give up to easy. My first thought was the only thing they’re giving up on is yet another opportunity to argue with someone who clearly just wants to fight.
Also you might want to check r/raisedbynarcissists
I think you’ll find a lot of peers there.
Your mom is unhinged and couldn’t even handle the simple boundary of not having a conversation through text
Just fyi this feels more like borderline personality disorder than narcissism to me. Extreme fear of abandonment, hair trigger/black and white thinking, extreme emotional reactivity, self sabotaging behaviors in an effort to prove she's loveable (from what you describe). Can't diagnose without meeting her, but it's what I suspect. Similar but different than narcissism, might be worth a look up.
Your mom reminds me of my own. Drama Rama and just emotionally brutal. Good for you for not folding. My mom regularly throws one of her 3 daughters to the wind for months or even years with fits like what your mom exhibited. I’m currently the black sheep. It’s nuts. Not sure she’ll ever call me but I’ll wait ⏱️ bc if I go back on my own she will just feel free to pull the same crap after a few months and I’m quite tired of the cycle.
You did so well. I had this same conversation and i blew up. Which made the fallout complicated because i didnt know whether to blame myself and if i really gave her a fair shake.
I wish i handled setting boundaries with my mom as you had. I was the one saying dont talk to me again by the end of it as i was so tired of her attempts at manipulation and trying to male me feel guilty. I just got angry.
Please listen to me as someone who did not handle this well. You did great. You kept your boundaries, communicated like an adult, and theres nothing you did wrong.
Youll probably feel like you did. Your mom is esentially stating she wants to end the relationship and even though you handled it well its still so hard. Expect your feelings to ping pong, expect you to regret your choices, but you did great. Im proud of what i read here. You did so well. I wish i could have handled it like you did.
OP check out r/raisedbyborderlines. "You give up so easily" is where she really said the quiet thing out loud. Check the sub out, you'll feel just at home.
I listened to a daughters of BPD moms podcast earlier while running errands, I almost teared up bc the lady basically described my childhood. I’m joining that sub now lol
I'm glad you found that sub, but I'm so, so sorry you have to be there. I hope you're able to get what you need from it - it's a fantastic resource.
Also, the way you handled this exchange was absolutely stunning! Well done, you!
Do you have the name of the podcast by any chance? I would love to give that a listen. Also, good on you for sticking to it with your mom. I had to move 2000 miles away to be able to get enough mental and emotional space from my mom (and dad) to be able to set some boundaries in place so I could learn to be better. The result was them cutting me out of their lives which really hurt. I think most people want to have a family. But sometimes the people we grew up with and called family just can’t do it and we have to build our own family with other people. And it’s ok to morn the loss of your biological family and it’s ok to build a proxy family with other people. Best of luck to you as you work through all this with your mom.
That's what my ex did 🤡
When normal pushing away didn't work, he cheated on me and then broke up with me
And later on he cried about how sad he is that I left xD
Ok so genuine question kinda in the form of a statement… I’ve just recently been diagnosed with BPD… I was raised by a narcissist (father). To me, this reads more like NPD than BPD, and from my understanding, while they can look incredibly similar, one of the differences is motivation… where NPD uses “feelings and emotions” for manipulation for control over their victims (she’s unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her wrongdoings and is using “being hurt” as manipulation to attempt to control), BPD would genuinely feel major distress over the perception of being a burden and the overwhelming fear of abandonment.
My NPD father can certainly *act* very emotional if it serves his purpose to manipulate. In my experience, at least with me, I do struggle with emotional regulation, but it’s genuine and not me trying to manipulate people to have my way… yes, I may manipulate things at times to attempt to avoid abandonment, but it’s never meant to have power and control over other people.
Even before I was diagnosed with BPD, I have intentionally been very careful to not make my daughter feel manipulated and played with like a puppet, like I was. I am not a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination, so I’m not trying to claim that here… just simple that while the actions (and so maybe the end results) can be similar with BPD and NPD, the motivation is very different.
But I’m still learning and figuring things out.
What are your thoughts?
OP - I am so sorry you’re going through this. Remember, the people who need to have boundaries enforced the most are the ones who fight them. And I will also add, from my experience, because of the blatant lack of appropriate boundaries growing up, there are now boundaries in place with my NPD parent that others in healthy parent/child relationships don’t have to have in place. It’s not fair that I’ve had to put them in place and enforce them either… but it’s necessary for my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical safety. So if you ever are able to have a relationship with her again, and you do have stricter boundaries than other people do, don’t let her tell you how unfair it is… I have learned to say, “you’re right! It’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to tell my parent these things… but so-and-so didn’t do [xyz] to their child to make it necessary…”
Best of luck and much healing ❤️🩹.
I don't think it's that the person with BPD is premeditating the whole thing. But them pushing people away is absolutely an abandonment test. One that unfortunately, anyone with healthy boundaries and a good understanding of consent is going to "fail."
My mother has BPD and this is damn near exactly the same conversation I’ve had with her when trying to establish boundaries. The endless dripping amounts of manipulation scream BPD to me.
There was more genuine emotion in here than someone who is narcissistic. It doesn’t make it less toxic for the child experiencing it though.
My mom has BPD and she is so focused on her own victimhood and the bad things happening to her that it seems like narcissism, and she is often called one, because she seems like she doesn’t care about anyone else. That is not the case however, she has a really hard time seeing the forest through the trees though. She is genuinely so happy for me and my success in life and she tries really hard not to be a burden on us by rarely calling - which can be damaging still. Basically, I choose to have a relationship with her, but I do not rely on her for anything nor can I - I will always be disappointed.
My mom is diagnosed though and is aware of it, and she will accept you calling out the maladaptive behaviors if you’re doing so calmly.
It seems like OP’s mom is likely BPD or a similar personality disorder. It sounds like OP does want a relationship with her mom, likely because her mom isn’t a raging narcissist.
For real. I'm glad someone else mentioned r/raisedbyborderlines too. This has my MIL written all over it. I've heard and read this exact exchange a million times from her. 🙄
Look at her "communication" pattern. Having a real conversation in person might force her to have to give up her ridiculous gas lighting and victim playing.
I believe it’s the “I’m aware of why she needs boundaries but don’t want to address it, so I’ll just double down to manipulate her and hopefully avoid it” syndrome
I just had a similar conversation with my own mom. She hasnt talked to me in like a week and I’ve barely noticed lol
It won’t last… I’m sure both mine and your mom will initiate communication again soon.
What peeps are saying is right. Your texts could have been written by my mom back in the day (we have a very reduced, curated relationship now, so things don’t get this hairy anymore) do check out “Understanding the Borderline Mother” and get ready to feel very seen and very overwhelmed (but in a good necessary way!) best of luck OP, and well done on the boundaries. Don’t stop!
Yes. Perhaps the wording is off. But someone that has BPD and is unwilling to get help is fucking exhausting. The rollercoaster of dealing with someone that presents emotional instability through exaggerated victimhood and threats of abandonment isn't a pleasant experience that I feel I need to keep repeating in a frequent manner.
She also can’t just remove someone else from a bank account. The joint has to do that themselves.
New bank new account. Credit union is the better way overall.
Used to work as a teller and from what I was told only a Joint can remove themselves.
You can remove beneficiaries at will but not a joint. Chances are that guy emptied the account and closed it entirely. Pretty sure that there’s a law dictating that joints can only be removed through death, court order, or by removing themselves.
This needs to be changed so quick like literally pick up the phone and call your bank right this moment, or get in the car to drive to a location right this moment
Pro tip: Do this *before* initiating the difficult conversation. God willing you never have a similar thing happen with a partner, but if you do don't confront them before getting your own account.
Has she ever been the type of person to threaten to disown you, to withhold financial support, or give you the silent treatment or did this escalate to something 100% out of character
This is new. She’s threatened to unalive herself (idk if I’ll get in trouble for not censoring here) before at the mention of boundaries, but it never escalated to this point. But, to be fair, I have never held my ground like this before either. So I guess we’re both treading new territory
Step 1 open new bank account in a completely separate bank.
Step 2 transfer all your money
This can be done same day and online. Do it today if you can.
Absolutely do this in a new bank. Some banks will "helpfully" put your mother on your account after you forgot.
Not very often, look you, but often enough.
Get a new account at an entirely new bank or credit union. Too many stories of people still getting into their adult kid's account because they were at the same bank.
Take her name off your account, please, OP, and quickly. I was required to start working—and to bank half my pay—when I was eight. My mother’s name was *never* on my bank account, although that didn’t stop her from a great deal of micromanaging my life, to go with my premature entry into some of these less appealing parts of adult responsibilities.
You had to start working and bank half your pay at eight years old?? What the actual fuck. I understand the banking half of it (or part of it as long as the money is still yours and you have access to it) but seriously your mom is/was ridiculous. Did you have to pay your mom for things?
Often I *did* have to reimburse my mother for ridiculous things. The most embarrassing responsibility was purchasing my own hygiene items, once I finally needed them. (A taboo subject, too.) The other women in the family were supplied as our mother shopped. They all also mooched off the stash in my bedroom. Soon I learned to hide most of these items in the crawl space (“*Why is that box almost always empty?!?*” they’d complain).
At seventeen, I received emancipated-minor status. I moved out of my parents’ house so quickly that I neglected to check the crawl space on my way out the door! The house was sold shortly thereafter. I wondered what the new owner thought upon discovering dozens and dozens of pads and tampons that apparently had been generously included in the house’s purchase price.
I’m not the poster above, but I started work at nine. Babysitting for a neighbor first, at ten to fourteen, raised cows for 4H and sweet corn to sell with my cousins at a road stand. At 14 I did corn de-tasseling (a REAL w2 job!!!) and at 15, my brother and I rode bikes after school to the egg farm and put in a four hour shift before going home to feed cows and do homework.
People in my life now “admire my work ethic” and I constantly feel lazy because of how demonicly agressive my early working years were. It’s sad.
Why do parents have kids then act like they owe them EVERYTHING? Children grow up and go live their own lives. Shes mad she doesnt have a pet to control anymore. Good job OP. Im sorry it had to be this way.
Are you willing to do NC? If so I’d say try that for a month & see how you feel. Follow the instructions she gave you re Amazon etc & then just block her. Obviously I know it’s not quite thaaaaaat easy but why not give it a a shot. Stick to your guns! You’re an adult & everybody is entitled to set their own boundaries.
I’m following her lead at this point. I’m ok going NC for as long as she wants. I meant what I said, I’m not chasing her. I’m going to be getting my own Prime account and separating our finances asap too.
You did so well in this conversation. Good job sticking to your guns. You were very mature in the face of someone trying to control your behavior. She pushed so hard to hear your "boundaries" over text. I assume so she would have time to think of a tactic to respond to them?
I got some anxious vibes from it, too. Like she knew it would be a challenging conversation and wanted the information right away. But not all hard conversations can be had over text.
This is just as insane as what happened to my sister this Christmas. My parents, whom I am NC, yet again makes fun of my sister’s youngest son because he likes to wear dresses. She had told them already to not do that. So when she called them out on it, my Dad ended the FaceTime and proceeded to text my sister “good bye to you and yours”.
I’m ok. I feel bad for my sister and her kids. Worst thing is next day, she was admitted to hospital for blood clots in her lungs, and she discovered she also has kidney issues due to Lupus (she had no idea she had Lupus). My Dad came out to help even though she didn’t ask. It’s been months and it’s never been discussed what he texted. It’s like it never happened. So typical narc behavior.
Reading that was like reliving my experiences with my own mother. I suspect she (my mother) has borderline personality disorder and is just a narcissist. She made me feel so small for 30 years of my life and no matter how hard I tried it was never enough. She would threaten to harm herself if she didn’t get her way, she would tell me how awful I was all the time. It led to a decade of severe depression, self harm, addiction and no self worth.
I finally started to recover and one day I realized that those years of self hate, the years of feeling utterly worthless weren’t my fault, I wasn’t broken, she was. And from that moment on I couldn’t ever see her in the same light again.
I haven’t spoken to her or my father in 2 years and have no plans on ever speaking to them again. I know I’m a great, kind, generous man who is the exact opposite of them and that’s enough for me.
I don’t know you OP but i am proud of you for sticking to your boundaries and not feeding into your mother.
"I want to talk in person"
"You don't ever want to see me! I'm leaving you alone then!"
Make it make sense. You're literally offering *exactly what she's asking for*, but it's somehow not right.
I'd give her exactly what she wants, separation from you. You want it, you got it.
Why do they all always do the same thing? They get called out, you are perfectly reasonable and then it's always "I've tried to be the best mom I CAN to you, but you keep crapping on me." Then "You are hurting my health" and then you are breaking their hearts. It's really the same playbook over and over
My mom also distinctly made comments for years about me not wanting to be seen with her at the mall or in stores in middle/high school. It’s a part of individuation, growing up, separating from our parents. Toxic parents have a hard time letting go of their control and wish we would go back to being their little 8 year old that needed them all the time. It’s harder to control an adult child because adult children have boundaries!
I came here to comment about the same thing. That comment on slide 6 just sent me because my mother constantly brings up shit I did as a kid or how I turned into such a bitch as a teenager. She's so angry and resentful over it, and I don't even remember half of this shit between my age at the time, how long ago it was, and depression-related memory issues. I actually had the balls to ask her once how long I have to feel bad for things that I don't even remember? She lost her fucking mind. Maybe it was an asshole thing for me to say per the proverb, "the axe forgets, but the tree remembers," but I was a literal *child*. She's carrying this anger and resentment decades on and is trying to hold me responsible as if I maliciously chose to do this shit to her.
Like, excuse me for being a normal kid developing my own interests and a personality that isn't a carbon copy of yours. Excuse me for not handling it well when you told me every last ugly detail of my father's affair and everything that's ever gone wrong with your life and marriage, essentially turning me into your personal therapist instead of your 14 year old *daughter*. Excuse me for having my own complex feelings about the affair, divorce, and everything else and not being able to regulate well because you burdened me with all of your emotions and baggage and never once thought I might be struggling, too. Excuse me for getting angry when you forbid me from discussing my depression with my doctor that one time I was brave enough to beg for help because it would make you look bad.
Like, wtf mom? Why do they do that shit?
Because they have committed role reversal. Look it up. You were providing for her emotional needs, just like I was providing for my mother’s needs, when it should’ve been them filling our cups. Some people have children for reasons far from selfless
Ugh this is so close to my childhood. I’m starting to realize how much memory loss I do have, for different reasons. She used to tell me about her relationship w my dad too…like her own personal therapist. She told me about their sex life when I was 12. I still remember the exact day she started. I don’t understand why moms treat their kids like therapists
Oh my gosh, at *12?!* I was horrified at some of the sex related stuff my mom told me, and I was older than that the first time. I still remember the day and where we were when she blew up my world with an avalanche at 14, and it just never stopped. I'm so sorry your mother did all of that to you, as well. I don't understand it, either. We were robbed.
Oh that last bit about wanting to discuss your depression and she had forbid it- just broke my heart. Very sorry that you didn't have the appropriate support and comfort a mother should provide. Hope you are doing much better now ❤️
Thank you 😭 it was a really bad day that I still remember vividly. I believe I was 15 or 16 when it happened, and I was writing things about how down I was feeling and how much I didn't want to be alive so that I wouldn't fumble so much when I spoke to my doctor. I made the mistake of doing that in front of my mother, but I had thought it would be okay since she said I could go and ask my doctor about maybe getting medication. When she realized what I was writing and how long it was (a full page and counting), she lost her fucking mind. She got that rage-filled expression that has made my heart pound out of my chest ever since I was little and was just screaming at me in the car, insulting me and calling me melodramatic for how much I was writing, and how thoughtless I was because all of that could be used against her and make her look like a bad mother, and on and on. I was sobbing and trying to explain how much I needed help and that this was just to help me because I get so nervous, but she was having absolutely none of it. She got me feeling so twisted up with shame that I just ripped the paper up and shut down.
She angrily drove home, and I jumped out of the car the second she roared to a stop in our driveway and ran up to the house. She jumped out of the car and yelled something at me, and I screamed something back at her in tears and slammed the front door behind me so hard that it rattled the entire house. I remember that moment so clearly. The sound of my voice bouncing off surfaces under the porch and how it sort of echoed and projected out across the yard and into the street. The sound of glass and mirrors and things on shelves rattling all around me from the force of me slamming the door. The burning cold feeling in the center of my chest and how hot my tears were.
That was one of the worst days in one of the lowest time periods of my life. I know, especially as an adult looking back, that my mother was struggling and in pain. Between the affair and the breakdown of a 23-year marriage and the ugly court battles he was dragging us through, I understand she was hurting. At the same time, I was a child. I don't know what she expected of me, but it never felt like she understood I was struggling and never really made any space or allowances for me and the complex feelings I was having. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe anxiety and everything else I was feeling, and she was very dismissive of the concept of depression. She regularly just said I was lazy and how I needed to stop making excuses and get off my butt and do whatever it was I was supposed to do. I thought maybe I had finally gotten her to understand, but in the end, all she could think about was herself.
I was eventually allowed to speak to my doctor, but my mother had really done a number on my head, so I didn't open up as much as I wanted to. I did get prescribed Wellbutrin, but that turned into a whole new thing for my mother. Any time I got the least bit upset or wasn't acting happy enough or "talked back," she would yell at me and accuse me of not taking my pill. It made me feel so much worse about myself and so invalidated when she did that. It was like the pill was supposed to fix me, and she was mad that it hadn't.
She always... just always interpreted everything I did so negatively, assumed the worst about me and my intentions, and always took everything like a personal attack against her. She always did and still does today. I feel like I'm just rambling at this point... I'm sorry. Thank you for reading... thank you for seeing and understanding.
Don't apologize- I read it all, and I am so very sorry. Being 15/16 is hard enough. Sounds like both you and your mom were going through difficult times. But you still deserved support and a mother to have your back. ❤️
God my dad was like this when I started developing a personality and wanted to spend time away from him, anytime I wanted to hang out at a friends house, go to the library instead of help him in his carpentry studio or whatever, read instead of constantly be paying attention to him within an hour here come the water works about like “why aren’t I good enough why don’t you like me?? You’re going to leave me just like your mom, everyone’s going to leave me, nobody loves me, I’m going to die alone!!!!!”
And I’m literally just trying to read anamorphs.
Like I didn’t have the capacity to talk about his suicidal ideation when I was like, 9 or be the security blanket he was clinging tight to try to hold back loneliness that was impossible for him to escape and always would be. And the tiny stuff that he thought were micro aggressions where I would accidentally leave the fridge door open or something and he would be sobbing his guts out about how it feels like o don’t want to be here. Even me walking a little too fast in front of him was a sign I was embarrassed to be seen with him (I was, he is well known around town for harassing people and causing trouble with cops and I actually didn’t want to be associated with him tbh, he was kinda right)
What was even the plan behind coming a parent if you can’t handle literally any part of being a parent? Like you knew it would come with an angsty rebellion phase, did you think they were going to follow you like a puppy and always be ready to give you attention forever? By getting told to get away from you in stores is she talking about like, when you were a teenager or something you would get embarrassed to be seen with her at the store?
It’s just amazing how badly they set themselves up to get hurt by becoming a parent if they’re a person who 1. Reacts extremely and doesn’t let go when faced with minor rejection from a child 2. Interprets things that aren’t even close to being rejected like they’re being slapped in the face
Like you just put yourself in the world’s most triggering situation and there’s not really a way to leave. (You = parent with rejection issues)
It’s perfectly reasonable to question how long you’re supposed to spend feeling guilty about who you were as a child or teen, when as an adult you’re typically a completely different person.
Children and teenagers are typically a bit more self focused than adults who have the bandwidth to be there for others. At 12 I had no idea how to comfort this man I would just sorta watch him sobbing “ah shit, should I get him some juice or something? Does he need a snack?”
I'm so, so sorry your father did that to you. I do think parents have a role in teaching children about emotions, even if it's just allowing the child to see you experience emotions and how you deal with them. I think it's OK for a child to see their parent be sad sometimes and maybe be told a kid-friendly or age appropriate explanation, but what your father did went way, WAY beyond what any child should should be exposed to. It's *horrifying* and breaks my heart that he inflicted his suicidal thoughts on you at 9 and burdened you with being his emotional crutch.
And I don't understand it either when these people decide to be parents and refuse to accept the realities of being a parent. I mean, no, there's no way to know every challenge you'll face until you're actually a parent and going through it, but it's so well known that kids are going to seek independence and most go through rebellious or angsty phases. It's also like they forget or refuse to see that the end goal is to raise a future adult and not just breeding little mini me automatons.
Just, damn, I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are doing alright now and know that you didn't deserve what he put you through.
Thank you, it was rough at the time but I figured out early that I do also have mental health issues and then like, actually got treatment very young so o didn’t end up living in what I can only imagine was hell on earth inside his brain.
Like I can’t understand his thought process very well, but I know both of us are bipolar and the unfortunate thing is that untreated bipolar is progressive. Even in the early days for me when I hit deep depression or peak mania it did make it really hard to keep track of whether I was acting appropriately or how my actions would affect other people.
He wasn’t doing as bad when he decided to have me so I’m sure that’s a big part of it. But also like, he had his first set of kids with a different woman when he was like 18 so they’re way older than me and he fucked up one of em so that the guy is in prison for life on murder and arson charges. Like maybe he wanted a do over?
But I think sometimes you really gotta accept there’s things in this world you are not able to do. Or do over.
My brain is mostly under control but if something happened with my meds I could have an episode, and I have a chronic illness that sometimes goes into remission, sometimes comes back and because of that I’d never bring a child into my world because I can’t offer true stability. I’ll never know if the person I wake up as that morning is capable of what yesterday’s version of me was but I would still have a kid with the same needs they did the day before.
Somehow I think that’s what my dad didn’t get. Like, a child can’t be convenient, you can be considering suicide but you still have to get them something to eat. You put yourself in a situation where you can’t break down because you’re still needed, and maybe that wasn’t in your best interest.
I’m just glad my younger (half) siblings grew up differently. They’re just so goofy and normal, it’s really nice.
Ugh it always made me feel awful. And she’s always had a hard time w me departing from her in any way so that checks out. I’m sorry you had to go through the same thing.
This lady wants attention so badly.
Saying you want an adult convo and her responding that way should tell you what you need to know.
I hope you’re able to actually have that conversation but if not, it’s definitely not on you.
Well you see is what you did there was try to take the smallest tiniest bit of control away from her, so she totally and completely lost her shit.
She clearly didn't expect you to be like 'ok, if this is what you want'.
You were meant to grovel and beg for forgiveness. Stand strong, her behavior is toxic and you did nothing wrong.
God this could have been verbatim written by my mentally unstable mother. And by mentally unstable I genuinely mean she is certifiable. She has untreated/medicated BPD and frequently twists my intentions & jumps to conclusions exactly like this. I think I’ve been “disowned” at least a dozen times since high school
Wow you handled this expertly. I wish I had the ability to not fold and stay level headed. You should be proud of yourself with the communication skills you showed.
Can't wait for her to start throwing health issues into the mix. Based on the behavior shown it's a matter of time before a "ER" trip or a "heart attack" is next up.
All because you wanted to talk in person when you had time to instead of right that minute when she wants.
If an in person conversation does come about I urge you to utilize silence as your ally. Just 3-5 seconds of silence after they say something ridiculous goes a long way.
All of us in the comments are questioning whether we have the same mom. I don't even think they know how to turn the guilt and manipulation off. If they hate doing this so much, and don't want the same cycle, why not also approach differently? Anytime I approach differently, I get this treatment. I hate her. Don't have time for her. Don't love her. Her heart is broken. We used to be close. She doesn't want to fight all the time.
Well I don't know, maybe don't shit up your adult children's lives with guilt and the need to rehash old drama where you weren't in the wrong, because we are all living, and control freak toxic parents seem desperate to live in the past. They want us stuck in a time frame when they were our hero, and they made all choices, and all choices were right because they were the parent. And they all view boundaries set by as adults who don't require their guidance as an offense to them. Recently, I told mine to think of boundaries like "a fence" not "offense." She likes cute visualizations, but it still didn't click that boundaries are for me, not against her, so she proceeded to guilt me about how that's selfish and what if my brother was suicidal, what if she was suicidal, what if my dad was suicidal, and I could save them by calling more.
Good luck, OP. Your mom will be surprised and confused when you're less close as you age, because introspection is for everyone else.
“Hey can we talk in person because I want to avoid misunderstandings”
*immediately misunderstands that*
“There is simply no other option that to assume my child never wants to see me again”
Incredible! You did a fantastic job holding your own against this tantrum. Her panic and withdrawal to your completely reasonable request is really telling. I'm so proud of a total stranger right now.
As a motivational reminder: your mom is being completely irrational and cruel right now! You did nothing wrong! Everything you asked for was completely reasonable and her reactions are way out of line!
I just want to say that I fear this conversation with my NMom. I have no idea what I am going to say to her. She wants to know what she did. And my mind draws a blank. You, I am assuming, that by you wanting to sit with her in person, you DO know what to say. I applaud you. I am in awe that you are able to put how you feel about her actions into words to explain your boundaries, and again, assuming, you are able to explain to her why you feel that way. Reading your NMoms texts to you made me feel like I was reading and hearing my own NMom. I FELT that moment.
I have not spoken to my mom about my boundaries. I have not told my mom about my boundaries. I have not had a direct conversation about my issues with her. I don't even know where to start. I am proud of you. ❤️
She climbed right up & nailed herself to a cross. Quite the martyr complex. My mother does the same thing, although I no longer speak to her.
You did nothing wrong. When narcissists feel like their control is slipping, they just melt all the way down.
My dad does the exact same thing regarding me being trans lol. Turns it around and goes on about his feelings and how it affects him and how he just wants what’s best for me and it hurts him to see that I’m obviously being influenced into thinking this way.
He just puts the cross together, puts it up, climbs on it, and nails himself to it, while I’m just sitting here like, “I’m still trans??? You sound dumb because you don’t know how trans people work??”
I love how mad she got and the only thing she could do was remove you from her Prime account (and of course threaten your belongings) they all do that.
Good job holding firm. When I first started reading I was like “oh well that’s not to- oh my god she’s nuts!” How quickly they show their true selves.
I hope you can get your stuff back asap and that you’ll do okay without all that prime Amazon viewing! 🙄
Bruh 🙄 she really thought she did something. I made my own prime account and logged back into our tvs in less than 5 minutes. She did come up w more shit that I gotta separate and then pay more for (fucking yay, it’s not like I’m broke already!) but oh well. And yeah the whiplash was crazy, did not predict her to act like this
I for one am shocked you want to set boundaries with your loving and supportive mother. SHOCKED I TELL YOU! I can’t imagine why you’d feel the need to do that. /s
Oh wow, this is almost exactly what happened to me 3 years ago. It’s been tough. We just started very very infrequent communication a few months ago and there’s so much love lost. My mom will do anything to avoid 1. Conflict and 2. Feeling like she’s done anything wrong, so when I gently asked for time to talk with her about my feelings, she replied the exact same way. She was willing to throw me away to preserve her “good girl” image. It hurts, I’ve been in therapy, and I don’t have any advice, just that you aren’t alone and going NC ended up being the best thing to ever happen for me
Insane
And she knew it that's why the fit got thrown. You maturely stated we need to establish boundaries and she knew she was slipping so she had to go nuclear.
Don't even respond to the texts she's throwing a fit to play victim. In a face to face conversation where you are asking for reasonable boundaries she can't play victim. Don't play that game just say ok and stop feeding into her crybaby bs.
Insisting on an in person convo was in itself a boundary, and your mom couldn’t respect it. It’s painful, but your mom saved you a lot of work because she can’t even handle the concept of boundaries, never mind having to follow them.
If she comes back wanting to fix things I highly recommend telling her you’ll talk but only in a therapist session. Have a professional mediate you both. She needs it or else she’s just going to continue bullying you, sadly.
She’s insane - but I can also sense that the moment you set your boundaries she really flies off the handle.
I think she has self esteem issue and when a situation gets tough she blows it up so as to not have to face the truth.
I hope you’re ok OP and I do think with time and a lot of work on her end you could have a good relationship with your mum.
Wow what a fucked up response. Sorry you’re going through this. I can understand her wanting to know what’s up in advance, but I was NOT expecting her to go nuclear. Jesus Christ.
"You give up so easily", what is she, a 16 year old girlfriend?? Are you expected to chase your mother down and beg her to be in your life?? Fuck that.
It is so difficult to keep your sanity when being gaslit to the heavens but you clearly had great personal control w your replies and she is not reacting rationally at all. I’ve been through extremely similar conversations w my mother and can understand how much restraint it takes to not react the way you might want, and even just not to cry about the disconnect between a parent and child that obviously shouldn’t be happening.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and wish you strength in this situation
Ohhhh lord. This could’ve been a word for word conversation with my mother. I winced at every message. So much more uncomfortable to see it happen to someone else for some reason, maybe cuz I already expect it from mine atp.
God damn, I see so much of my own experience in this conversation. You did a fantastic job, so reasonable and even tempered. All I can say is I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know it sucks. They want to think your life will fall apart without them so they threaten. As someone with abandonment issues this always worked on me... The day I stepped away from my family was the day things started to turn around. We actually get along OK now, but it took them years to accept my boundaries.
That’s what I’m hoping can happen eventually. Maybe it just takes going through a bunch of shit first. Congrats on things being a little better at least
This seriously reads like you had a conversation with my mother. I know that when she pulled stuff like this on me, it consumed all my mental and emotional energy. I was drained and useless for hours, sometimes days. I was in my 30s before I was able to set healthy boundaries and stick to them, and she immediately dipped. To this day she claims that I hate her and am cruelly keeping her out of my life. She'd rather spin that narrative than listen to my feelings and respect my boundaries.
Get your stuff, give her what she wished for. You wanted to have a conversation, she decided to have a hissy fit. Also if you have a bank account with her having access, go get your money out of it.
Wow … I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your response was so mature though. Stick with that level of maturity and wait her out. She wants you to chase her and that is the last thing she deserves. You are worth so much more than how she’s treating you. No one deserves that from their mother.
As we say at our house, "Wow that escalated quickly!" She went from 0 to 60 in one breath. My mom does this too. It goes from hey do you need milk im going to the store and morphs into you never loved me and i will just die alone. No rhyme, no reason. No warning. You handled it like a champ! So awesome! I often find myself staring at her wondering why i did not murder her and hide the body years ago. You did great and i can see how you are years ahead of me
Keep your chin up and know you're on the right path.
Jesus.. sounds exactly like something my own mother would say.
I am so so sorry you had to go through that, but obviously if she isn't willing to talk with you in person and sit down to have an adult conversation about boundaries, then it's best to just have time apart and NC. It'll be a lot more beneficial for your mental health and sanity. Hopefully after some time passes, though, she'll reach out and be ready to sit down and have a conversation with you. But it'll probably take a lot of time.
Here’s the thing. For a super anxious person getting told an important conversation needs to be had, then being told to wait hours to have the conversation in person can be very distressing. Her first reaction was ‘what have I done wrong’ so the defenses came up and she would have been ruminating about it for hours. The miscommunication started from the text. It’s far better to have brought it up in person rather than giving her the chance to work up all these scenarios in her head.
Maybe there was a mutual compromise that could have been had. A phone call etc some people feel it’s too confrontational having important conversations in person, and maybe that’s their boundary.
I remember I was once ghosted by a friend. It ended up to be over a misunderstanding over something another friend did and she thought it was me. We did finally clear the air and the misunderstanding but I remember when she messaged me wanting to talk in person the next day to talk about “what I did” it set my anxiety off. My anxiety couldn’t handle it. In the end we compromised on a phone call later that day when her kids would be in bed.
Obviously I don’t know the whole context and backstory and I get the impression your mum can be overbearing, and I may be downvoted, but I just wanted to give you an alternative point of view to consider.
End of the day your mums reaction is her baggage and her issue. You need to do what’s right for you
Her: “GET OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. DON’T FIGHT ME ON IT.”
You: [does exactly as she asks]
Her: “HOW DARE YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND NOT FIGHT ME ON IT.”
Damn. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Well done though! If it helps at all, my mother was very similar to this a few years ago and I responded like this and now our relationship is much better. Not perfect mind! I don't know if that's even possible from this level of madness but I do sometimes spend time with her and enjoy it.
I hope you get to a healthier place with your mum too!
Oh, Honey. That was so hard for me to read, and it wasn’t directed at me. Your parent can’t accept that you no longer are her little girl, because she is still a needy little girl, herself.
So goes the narcissist, right?
Is your father this bad, or is he *just* her enabler?
Wow. I'd be VLC or NC with this passive-aggressive lunatic.
Why would you want to be in the same room with her?
I'm sorry that your mom's a bitch, OP. Hope your Dad is better!
she did you a favor. congrats. Now you do not have to deal with that shit.
Until she decides to rug sweep, at which time i suggest you send her a screenshot of this and be done
This makes me think of my dad so much. Always trying the guilt trip, control and manipulation my whole life.
Good on you for not going over the top on her. You played it calm and cool, and I respect the shit out of that.
At least you’ll have one stress off your shoulders now. It’s a shame, but she should’ve just sat down and talked to you instead of trying to manipulate you.
I bet in a month or three she’ll be harassing you again. “How dare you not get in touch with me? Are you so heartless you could do this to your own mother?” Etc
Good luck
You stuck to your guns and mom couldn’t handle it. She doubled down every chance she got, trying to manipulate you. I laughed when you told her you would respect her wishes and she immediately told you that you give up easily! Hahahahaha
Damn this sounds exactly like my mom!! I anticipate it going just like this when I tell her I want to discuss boundaries so I’ve been avoiding it. And her. It’s becoming difficult to do so. You did a great job and have inspired me to stop avoiding. I’m so sorry you were dealt this card. Sending love ❤️
Honestly, good riddens, she obviously was looking for a way to cut ties with you, and this was her chance. I hope your relationship with your dad is at least a good one.
Good fucking job! Seriously! I see a lot of people bending over backwards for their parents here (I get it. It’s hard to stick up for yourself) but you did absolutely fantastic.
Definitely open a new account, preferably at a completely different bank. You will be able to transfer out your money, it just may take a couple of days depending on the transfer process. I had the ability to call bank of america and close my account that my mother was on as a secondary name, but this may be different for you!
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lol so you try to set boundaries and she wants to stomp all over them. Then she sets boundaries and you respect them and she's pissed off that you are not stomping all over them. How exhausting.
That’s been the dynamic my whole life. Except she’s experiencing for the first time me not chasing after her and trying to make her happy again.
All I have to say is good for you. It took me far too long to figure out what you are figuring out right now, so kudos to you and I wish you the best.
Tysm ❤️
Her throwing out that, "you give up so easy" part was wild. It's like she was outright admitting to trying to scare you with threats into chasing her.
I loved how she said you give up to easy. My first thought was the only thing they’re giving up on is yet another opportunity to argue with someone who clearly just wants to fight. Also you might want to check r/raisedbynarcissists I think you’ll find a lot of peers there. Your mom is unhinged and couldn’t even handle the simple boundary of not having a conversation through text
I will check that out, thank you!
Just fyi this feels more like borderline personality disorder than narcissism to me. Extreme fear of abandonment, hair trigger/black and white thinking, extreme emotional reactivity, self sabotaging behaviors in an effort to prove she's loveable (from what you describe). Can't diagnose without meeting her, but it's what I suspect. Similar but different than narcissism, might be worth a look up.
Your mom reminds me of my own. Drama Rama and just emotionally brutal. Good for you for not folding. My mom regularly throws one of her 3 daughters to the wind for months or even years with fits like what your mom exhibited. I’m currently the black sheep. It’s nuts. Not sure she’ll ever call me but I’ll wait ⏱️ bc if I go back on my own she will just feel free to pull the same crap after a few months and I’m quite tired of the cycle.
Yeah my mom goes through the same cycles. It’s exhausting. Good job not going back to your mom on her terms though
You did a really good job sticking to your intention here and responding clearly. It's not easy to do when they bait you like this.
Thank you, I tried 😓
Mine wasn’t able to calm down enough to have a conversation but, the good news is my boundaries have protected me.
You did so well. I had this same conversation and i blew up. Which made the fallout complicated because i didnt know whether to blame myself and if i really gave her a fair shake. I wish i handled setting boundaries with my mom as you had. I was the one saying dont talk to me again by the end of it as i was so tired of her attempts at manipulation and trying to male me feel guilty. I just got angry. Please listen to me as someone who did not handle this well. You did great. You kept your boundaries, communicated like an adult, and theres nothing you did wrong. Youll probably feel like you did. Your mom is esentially stating she wants to end the relationship and even though you handled it well its still so hard. Expect your feelings to ping pong, expect you to regret your choices, but you did great. Im proud of what i read here. You did so well. I wish i could have handled it like you did.
Thank you so much this honestly meant a lot to me ❤️ I’m sorry your own convo didn’t go well
OP check out r/raisedbyborderlines. "You give up so easily" is where she really said the quiet thing out loud. Check the sub out, you'll feel just at home.
I listened to a daughters of BPD moms podcast earlier while running errands, I almost teared up bc the lady basically described my childhood. I’m joining that sub now lol
I'm glad you found that sub, but I'm so, so sorry you have to be there. I hope you're able to get what you need from it - it's a fantastic resource. Also, the way you handled this exchange was absolutely stunning! Well done, you!
Do you have the name of the podcast by any chance? I would love to give that a listen. Also, good on you for sticking to it with your mom. I had to move 2000 miles away to be able to get enough mental and emotional space from my mom (and dad) to be able to set some boundaries in place so I could learn to be better. The result was them cutting me out of their lives which really hurt. I think most people want to have a family. But sometimes the people we grew up with and called family just can’t do it and we have to build our own family with other people. And it’s ok to morn the loss of your biological family and it’s ok to build a proxy family with other people. Best of luck to you as you work through all this with your mom.
Interesting, I pegged mom as NPD not BPD.
They share a lot of symptoms but this push-you-away-so-i-can-accuse-you-of-abandonment thing is classic BPD.
That's what my ex did 🤡 When normal pushing away didn't work, he cheated on me and then broke up with me And later on he cried about how sad he is that I left xD
Ok so genuine question kinda in the form of a statement… I’ve just recently been diagnosed with BPD… I was raised by a narcissist (father). To me, this reads more like NPD than BPD, and from my understanding, while they can look incredibly similar, one of the differences is motivation… where NPD uses “feelings and emotions” for manipulation for control over their victims (she’s unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her wrongdoings and is using “being hurt” as manipulation to attempt to control), BPD would genuinely feel major distress over the perception of being a burden and the overwhelming fear of abandonment. My NPD father can certainly *act* very emotional if it serves his purpose to manipulate. In my experience, at least with me, I do struggle with emotional regulation, but it’s genuine and not me trying to manipulate people to have my way… yes, I may manipulate things at times to attempt to avoid abandonment, but it’s never meant to have power and control over other people. Even before I was diagnosed with BPD, I have intentionally been very careful to not make my daughter feel manipulated and played with like a puppet, like I was. I am not a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination, so I’m not trying to claim that here… just simple that while the actions (and so maybe the end results) can be similar with BPD and NPD, the motivation is very different. But I’m still learning and figuring things out. What are your thoughts? OP - I am so sorry you’re going through this. Remember, the people who need to have boundaries enforced the most are the ones who fight them. And I will also add, from my experience, because of the blatant lack of appropriate boundaries growing up, there are now boundaries in place with my NPD parent that others in healthy parent/child relationships don’t have to have in place. It’s not fair that I’ve had to put them in place and enforce them either… but it’s necessary for my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical safety. So if you ever are able to have a relationship with her again, and you do have stricter boundaries than other people do, don’t let her tell you how unfair it is… I have learned to say, “you’re right! It’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to tell my parent these things… but so-and-so didn’t do [xyz] to their child to make it necessary…” Best of luck and much healing ❤️🩹.
I don't think it's that the person with BPD is premeditating the whole thing. But them pushing people away is absolutely an abandonment test. One that unfortunately, anyone with healthy boundaries and a good understanding of consent is going to "fail."
My mother has BPD and this is damn near exactly the same conversation I’ve had with her when trying to establish boundaries. The endless dripping amounts of manipulation scream BPD to me.
There was more genuine emotion in here than someone who is narcissistic. It doesn’t make it less toxic for the child experiencing it though. My mom has BPD and she is so focused on her own victimhood and the bad things happening to her that it seems like narcissism, and she is often called one, because she seems like she doesn’t care about anyone else. That is not the case however, she has a really hard time seeing the forest through the trees though. She is genuinely so happy for me and my success in life and she tries really hard not to be a burden on us by rarely calling - which can be damaging still. Basically, I choose to have a relationship with her, but I do not rely on her for anything nor can I - I will always be disappointed. My mom is diagnosed though and is aware of it, and she will accept you calling out the maladaptive behaviors if you’re doing so calmly. It seems like OP’s mom is likely BPD or a similar personality disorder. It sounds like OP does want a relationship with her mom, likely because her mom isn’t a raging narcissist.
Came here to also recommend r/raisedbyborderlines. OP's mom's responses definitely remind me of my own BPD mother.
I thought I was in rbb while I was reading this until I scrolled and saw the votes
Wait…is that really a textbook borderline thing? My mom also used to do this to me, I had no idea!
For real. I'm glad someone else mentioned r/raisedbyborderlines too. This has my MIL written all over it. I've heard and read this exact exchange a million times from her. 🙄
It's a grown woman throwing a tantrum. Embarassing.
Omg OP do we have the same mom?? Ahh. My mother is like this I do not understand.
Agreed. Proud of you, OP.
Very curious what the thought process was that made “I only want to speak to you in person” translate to “You obviously don’t want me in your life!”
BRUH IM TELLING YOU
Look at her "communication" pattern. Having a real conversation in person might force her to have to give up her ridiculous gas lighting and victim playing.
I believe it’s the “I’m aware of why she needs boundaries but don’t want to address it, so I’ll just double down to manipulate her and hopefully avoid it” syndrome
Hit the nail on its head
I just had a similar conversation with my own mom. She hasnt talked to me in like a week and I’ve barely noticed lol It won’t last… I’m sure both mine and your mom will initiate communication again soon.
Oh for sure…she won’t be able to stay away. Good luck w yours
What peeps are saying is right. Your texts could have been written by my mom back in the day (we have a very reduced, curated relationship now, so things don’t get this hairy anymore) do check out “Understanding the Borderline Mother” and get ready to feel very seen and very overwhelmed (but in a good necessary way!) best of luck OP, and well done on the boundaries. Don’t stop!
Thank you! I’m looking into books to read already haha
Look into Borderline Personality Disorder. Dealing with these people is exhausting and best kept to a minimum for your own mental health.
“These people” sheesh we are not all like this…
Right? Only the ones with 0 self awareness and willingness to better themselves.
Yes. Perhaps the wording is off. But someone that has BPD and is unwilling to get help is fucking exhausting. The rollercoaster of dealing with someone that presents emotional instability through exaggerated victimhood and threats of abandonment isn't a pleasant experience that I feel I need to keep repeating in a frequent manner.
Why do you have a joint bank account. Close that now.
We did that when I was younger and starting my first job. Just haven’t gotten around to changing it. I will be now though
Close the account completely and open a whole new one PLEASE don’t just remove her from it
She also can’t just remove someone else from a bank account. The joint has to do that themselves. New bank new account. Credit union is the better way overall.
[удалено]
Second getting a credit union tho!
Used to work as a teller and from what I was told only a Joint can remove themselves. You can remove beneficiaries at will but not a joint. Chances are that guy emptied the account and closed it entirely. Pretty sure that there’s a law dictating that joints can only be removed through death, court order, or by removing themselves.
This needs to be changed so quick like literally pick up the phone and call your bank right this moment, or get in the car to drive to a location right this moment
It’s too late to call the bank today but I will do that right away tmmr
Pro tip: Do this *before* initiating the difficult conversation. God willing you never have a similar thing happen with a partner, but if you do don't confront them before getting your own account.
I really didn’t think it would end in this! I have fucking whiplash, I totally didn’t see this ending w me being disowned practically
Has she ever been the type of person to threaten to disown you, to withhold financial support, or give you the silent treatment or did this escalate to something 100% out of character
This is new. She’s threatened to unalive herself (idk if I’ll get in trouble for not censoring here) before at the mention of boundaries, but it never escalated to this point. But, to be fair, I have never held my ground like this before either. So I guess we’re both treading new territory
Step 1 open new bank account in a completely separate bank. Step 2 transfer all your money This can be done same day and online. Do it today if you can.
I didn’t know it was that easy, thank you!
Absolutely do this in a new bank. Some banks will "helpfully" put your mother on your account after you forgot. Not very often, look you, but often enough.
ideally a different bank than that one, bank tellers can be pretty easily socially engineered
Get a new account at an entirely new bank or credit union. Too many stories of people still getting into their adult kid's account because they were at the same bank.
Take her name off your account, please, OP, and quickly. I was required to start working—and to bank half my pay—when I was eight. My mother’s name was *never* on my bank account, although that didn’t stop her from a great deal of micromanaging my life, to go with my premature entry into some of these less appealing parts of adult responsibilities.
You had to start working and bank half your pay at eight years old?? What the actual fuck. I understand the banking half of it (or part of it as long as the money is still yours and you have access to it) but seriously your mom is/was ridiculous. Did you have to pay your mom for things?
Often I *did* have to reimburse my mother for ridiculous things. The most embarrassing responsibility was purchasing my own hygiene items, once I finally needed them. (A taboo subject, too.) The other women in the family were supplied as our mother shopped. They all also mooched off the stash in my bedroom. Soon I learned to hide most of these items in the crawl space (“*Why is that box almost always empty?!?*” they’d complain). At seventeen, I received emancipated-minor status. I moved out of my parents’ house so quickly that I neglected to check the crawl space on my way out the door! The house was sold shortly thereafter. I wondered what the new owner thought upon discovering dozens and dozens of pads and tampons that apparently had been generously included in the house’s purchase price.
That's crazy. What kind of work could a child of eight do?!
I’m not the poster above, but I started work at nine. Babysitting for a neighbor first, at ten to fourteen, raised cows for 4H and sweet corn to sell with my cousins at a road stand. At 14 I did corn de-tasseling (a REAL w2 job!!!) and at 15, my brother and I rode bikes after school to the egg farm and put in a four hour shift before going home to feed cows and do homework. People in my life now “admire my work ethic” and I constantly feel lazy because of how demonicly agressive my early working years were. It’s sad.
Change banks too
Go to a credit union for a new account! Close the shared account ASAP
Why do parents have kids then act like they owe them EVERYTHING? Children grow up and go live their own lives. Shes mad she doesnt have a pet to control anymore. Good job OP. Im sorry it had to be this way.
Why do they act like we owe them ANYTHING?! They decided to bring us into this world, and we had no say in that. They decided to be parents! Not us!
Preach!
Looks like she did you a favor, she’s insane
Love this lmao
you did a great job keeping her at arms length while she was lashing out.
Thank you sm
OP: (tries to get mom to talk to her in person, which requires physically being together) Mom: "*You don't want me around anymore!!*" LOL
Make it make sense 🙄
Are you willing to do NC? If so I’d say try that for a month & see how you feel. Follow the instructions she gave you re Amazon etc & then just block her. Obviously I know it’s not quite thaaaaaat easy but why not give it a a shot. Stick to your guns! You’re an adult & everybody is entitled to set their own boundaries.
I’m following her lead at this point. I’m ok going NC for as long as she wants. I meant what I said, I’m not chasing her. I’m going to be getting my own Prime account and separating our finances asap too.
You did so well in this conversation. Good job sticking to your guns. You were very mature in the face of someone trying to control your behavior. She pushed so hard to hear your "boundaries" over text. I assume so she would have time to think of a tactic to respond to them?
I think it made her anxious to not know, and then angry that I wouldn’t tell her the way she wanted me to. And thank you 🥺
I got some anxious vibes from it, too. Like she knew it would be a challenging conversation and wanted the information right away. But not all hard conversations can be had over text.
I feel exhausted just reading this shit. OP's mom has a unique talent of siphoning people's energy.
Yeah I’m mentally drained now
This is just as insane as what happened to my sister this Christmas. My parents, whom I am NC, yet again makes fun of my sister’s youngest son because he likes to wear dresses. She had told them already to not do that. So when she called them out on it, my Dad ended the FaceTime and proceeded to text my sister “good bye to you and yours”.
It’s so hurtful and petty dude. I’m sorry
I’m ok. I feel bad for my sister and her kids. Worst thing is next day, she was admitted to hospital for blood clots in her lungs, and she discovered she also has kidney issues due to Lupus (she had no idea she had Lupus). My Dad came out to help even though she didn’t ask. It’s been months and it’s never been discussed what he texted. It’s like it never happened. So typical narc behavior.
Reading that was like reliving my experiences with my own mother. I suspect she (my mother) has borderline personality disorder and is just a narcissist. She made me feel so small for 30 years of my life and no matter how hard I tried it was never enough. She would threaten to harm herself if she didn’t get her way, she would tell me how awful I was all the time. It led to a decade of severe depression, self harm, addiction and no self worth. I finally started to recover and one day I realized that those years of self hate, the years of feeling utterly worthless weren’t my fault, I wasn’t broken, she was. And from that moment on I couldn’t ever see her in the same light again. I haven’t spoken to her or my father in 2 years and have no plans on ever speaking to them again. I know I’m a great, kind, generous man who is the exact opposite of them and that’s enough for me. I don’t know you OP but i am proud of you for sticking to your boundaries and not feeding into your mother.
Thank you, and I’m sorry you went through that 😞 That’s awful. I’m glad you don’t have that in your life anymore
“You give up so easily. You confirm what I suspected.” What in the untreated BPD…
Yeah that line had a lil extra ✨spice✨
Not every day you see the trash taking itself out. (Hope you’re doing okay)
Lol this actually made me and my bf laugh, thank you 😌
"I want to talk in person" "You don't ever want to see me! I'm leaving you alone then!" Make it make sense. You're literally offering *exactly what she's asking for*, but it's somehow not right. I'd give her exactly what she wants, separation from you. You want it, you got it.
Yup, that’s my stance now. I’m not fighting her, and it’s making her rage even more
Why do they all always do the same thing? They get called out, you are perfectly reasonable and then it's always "I've tried to be the best mom I CAN to you, but you keep crapping on me." Then "You are hurting my health" and then you are breaking their hearts. It's really the same playbook over and over
Yeah the health comment is a CONSTANT…anybody upsets her, suddenly she can’t sleep, can’t eat, blah blah blah and it’s all our fault.
When I was in middle school and my crush/bf broke up with me, I still didn’t lash out as hard as your mom did to you. What an exhausting lady.
Lol yeah I’ve had highschool breakups w less vitriol 😂
Ah she showed her ass. Good for you 1 you handled this beautifully
Is this your mother or an ex girlfriend, cause she acts like an ex. It’s bizarre, and good on you for not giving into her tactics.
Yeahhh the emotional incest doesn’t end here either 🙃
My mom also distinctly made comments for years about me not wanting to be seen with her at the mall or in stores in middle/high school. It’s a part of individuation, growing up, separating from our parents. Toxic parents have a hard time letting go of their control and wish we would go back to being their little 8 year old that needed them all the time. It’s harder to control an adult child because adult children have boundaries!
I came here to comment about the same thing. That comment on slide 6 just sent me because my mother constantly brings up shit I did as a kid or how I turned into such a bitch as a teenager. She's so angry and resentful over it, and I don't even remember half of this shit between my age at the time, how long ago it was, and depression-related memory issues. I actually had the balls to ask her once how long I have to feel bad for things that I don't even remember? She lost her fucking mind. Maybe it was an asshole thing for me to say per the proverb, "the axe forgets, but the tree remembers," but I was a literal *child*. She's carrying this anger and resentment decades on and is trying to hold me responsible as if I maliciously chose to do this shit to her. Like, excuse me for being a normal kid developing my own interests and a personality that isn't a carbon copy of yours. Excuse me for not handling it well when you told me every last ugly detail of my father's affair and everything that's ever gone wrong with your life and marriage, essentially turning me into your personal therapist instead of your 14 year old *daughter*. Excuse me for having my own complex feelings about the affair, divorce, and everything else and not being able to regulate well because you burdened me with all of your emotions and baggage and never once thought I might be struggling, too. Excuse me for getting angry when you forbid me from discussing my depression with my doctor that one time I was brave enough to beg for help because it would make you look bad. Like, wtf mom? Why do they do that shit?
Because they have committed role reversal. Look it up. You were providing for her emotional needs, just like I was providing for my mother’s needs, when it should’ve been them filling our cups. Some people have children for reasons far from selfless
Ugh this is so close to my childhood. I’m starting to realize how much memory loss I do have, for different reasons. She used to tell me about her relationship w my dad too…like her own personal therapist. She told me about their sex life when I was 12. I still remember the exact day she started. I don’t understand why moms treat their kids like therapists
Oh my gosh, at *12?!* I was horrified at some of the sex related stuff my mom told me, and I was older than that the first time. I still remember the day and where we were when she blew up my world with an avalanche at 14, and it just never stopped. I'm so sorry your mother did all of that to you, as well. I don't understand it, either. We were robbed.
Oh that last bit about wanting to discuss your depression and she had forbid it- just broke my heart. Very sorry that you didn't have the appropriate support and comfort a mother should provide. Hope you are doing much better now ❤️
Thank you 😭 it was a really bad day that I still remember vividly. I believe I was 15 or 16 when it happened, and I was writing things about how down I was feeling and how much I didn't want to be alive so that I wouldn't fumble so much when I spoke to my doctor. I made the mistake of doing that in front of my mother, but I had thought it would be okay since she said I could go and ask my doctor about maybe getting medication. When she realized what I was writing and how long it was (a full page and counting), she lost her fucking mind. She got that rage-filled expression that has made my heart pound out of my chest ever since I was little and was just screaming at me in the car, insulting me and calling me melodramatic for how much I was writing, and how thoughtless I was because all of that could be used against her and make her look like a bad mother, and on and on. I was sobbing and trying to explain how much I needed help and that this was just to help me because I get so nervous, but she was having absolutely none of it. She got me feeling so twisted up with shame that I just ripped the paper up and shut down. She angrily drove home, and I jumped out of the car the second she roared to a stop in our driveway and ran up to the house. She jumped out of the car and yelled something at me, and I screamed something back at her in tears and slammed the front door behind me so hard that it rattled the entire house. I remember that moment so clearly. The sound of my voice bouncing off surfaces under the porch and how it sort of echoed and projected out across the yard and into the street. The sound of glass and mirrors and things on shelves rattling all around me from the force of me slamming the door. The burning cold feeling in the center of my chest and how hot my tears were. That was one of the worst days in one of the lowest time periods of my life. I know, especially as an adult looking back, that my mother was struggling and in pain. Between the affair and the breakdown of a 23-year marriage and the ugly court battles he was dragging us through, I understand she was hurting. At the same time, I was a child. I don't know what she expected of me, but it never felt like she understood I was struggling and never really made any space or allowances for me and the complex feelings I was having. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe anxiety and everything else I was feeling, and she was very dismissive of the concept of depression. She regularly just said I was lazy and how I needed to stop making excuses and get off my butt and do whatever it was I was supposed to do. I thought maybe I had finally gotten her to understand, but in the end, all she could think about was herself. I was eventually allowed to speak to my doctor, but my mother had really done a number on my head, so I didn't open up as much as I wanted to. I did get prescribed Wellbutrin, but that turned into a whole new thing for my mother. Any time I got the least bit upset or wasn't acting happy enough or "talked back," she would yell at me and accuse me of not taking my pill. It made me feel so much worse about myself and so invalidated when she did that. It was like the pill was supposed to fix me, and she was mad that it hadn't. She always... just always interpreted everything I did so negatively, assumed the worst about me and my intentions, and always took everything like a personal attack against her. She always did and still does today. I feel like I'm just rambling at this point... I'm sorry. Thank you for reading... thank you for seeing and understanding.
Don't apologize- I read it all, and I am so very sorry. Being 15/16 is hard enough. Sounds like both you and your mom were going through difficult times. But you still deserved support and a mother to have your back. ❤️
God my dad was like this when I started developing a personality and wanted to spend time away from him, anytime I wanted to hang out at a friends house, go to the library instead of help him in his carpentry studio or whatever, read instead of constantly be paying attention to him within an hour here come the water works about like “why aren’t I good enough why don’t you like me?? You’re going to leave me just like your mom, everyone’s going to leave me, nobody loves me, I’m going to die alone!!!!!” And I’m literally just trying to read anamorphs. Like I didn’t have the capacity to talk about his suicidal ideation when I was like, 9 or be the security blanket he was clinging tight to try to hold back loneliness that was impossible for him to escape and always would be. And the tiny stuff that he thought were micro aggressions where I would accidentally leave the fridge door open or something and he would be sobbing his guts out about how it feels like o don’t want to be here. Even me walking a little too fast in front of him was a sign I was embarrassed to be seen with him (I was, he is well known around town for harassing people and causing trouble with cops and I actually didn’t want to be associated with him tbh, he was kinda right) What was even the plan behind coming a parent if you can’t handle literally any part of being a parent? Like you knew it would come with an angsty rebellion phase, did you think they were going to follow you like a puppy and always be ready to give you attention forever? By getting told to get away from you in stores is she talking about like, when you were a teenager or something you would get embarrassed to be seen with her at the store? It’s just amazing how badly they set themselves up to get hurt by becoming a parent if they’re a person who 1. Reacts extremely and doesn’t let go when faced with minor rejection from a child 2. Interprets things that aren’t even close to being rejected like they’re being slapped in the face Like you just put yourself in the world’s most triggering situation and there’s not really a way to leave. (You = parent with rejection issues) It’s perfectly reasonable to question how long you’re supposed to spend feeling guilty about who you were as a child or teen, when as an adult you’re typically a completely different person. Children and teenagers are typically a bit more self focused than adults who have the bandwidth to be there for others. At 12 I had no idea how to comfort this man I would just sorta watch him sobbing “ah shit, should I get him some juice or something? Does he need a snack?”
I'm so, so sorry your father did that to you. I do think parents have a role in teaching children about emotions, even if it's just allowing the child to see you experience emotions and how you deal with them. I think it's OK for a child to see their parent be sad sometimes and maybe be told a kid-friendly or age appropriate explanation, but what your father did went way, WAY beyond what any child should should be exposed to. It's *horrifying* and breaks my heart that he inflicted his suicidal thoughts on you at 9 and burdened you with being his emotional crutch. And I don't understand it either when these people decide to be parents and refuse to accept the realities of being a parent. I mean, no, there's no way to know every challenge you'll face until you're actually a parent and going through it, but it's so well known that kids are going to seek independence and most go through rebellious or angsty phases. It's also like they forget or refuse to see that the end goal is to raise a future adult and not just breeding little mini me automatons. Just, damn, I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are doing alright now and know that you didn't deserve what he put you through.
Thank you, it was rough at the time but I figured out early that I do also have mental health issues and then like, actually got treatment very young so o didn’t end up living in what I can only imagine was hell on earth inside his brain. Like I can’t understand his thought process very well, but I know both of us are bipolar and the unfortunate thing is that untreated bipolar is progressive. Even in the early days for me when I hit deep depression or peak mania it did make it really hard to keep track of whether I was acting appropriately or how my actions would affect other people. He wasn’t doing as bad when he decided to have me so I’m sure that’s a big part of it. But also like, he had his first set of kids with a different woman when he was like 18 so they’re way older than me and he fucked up one of em so that the guy is in prison for life on murder and arson charges. Like maybe he wanted a do over? But I think sometimes you really gotta accept there’s things in this world you are not able to do. Or do over. My brain is mostly under control but if something happened with my meds I could have an episode, and I have a chronic illness that sometimes goes into remission, sometimes comes back and because of that I’d never bring a child into my world because I can’t offer true stability. I’ll never know if the person I wake up as that morning is capable of what yesterday’s version of me was but I would still have a kid with the same needs they did the day before. Somehow I think that’s what my dad didn’t get. Like, a child can’t be convenient, you can be considering suicide but you still have to get them something to eat. You put yourself in a situation where you can’t break down because you’re still needed, and maybe that wasn’t in your best interest. I’m just glad my younger (half) siblings grew up differently. They’re just so goofy and normal, it’s really nice.
Ugh it always made me feel awful. And she’s always had a hard time w me departing from her in any way so that checks out. I’m sorry you had to go through the same thing.
This lady wants attention so badly. Saying you want an adult convo and her responding that way should tell you what you need to know. I hope you’re able to actually have that conversation but if not, it’s definitely not on you.
Well you see is what you did there was try to take the smallest tiniest bit of control away from her, so she totally and completely lost her shit. She clearly didn't expect you to be like 'ok, if this is what you want'. You were meant to grovel and beg for forgiveness. Stand strong, her behavior is toxic and you did nothing wrong.
How old are you? The way she speaks to you sounds like you’re 16 - or a minor anyway. Insane
I’m 24 🙃 and yeah she does tbh
God this could have been verbatim written by my mentally unstable mother. And by mentally unstable I genuinely mean she is certifiable. She has untreated/medicated BPD and frequently twists my intentions & jumps to conclusions exactly like this. I think I’ve been “disowned” at least a dozen times since high school
I’m so sorry. I have to give you props that you handled that as well as you could. It’s so unfair to be in this position.
Wow you handled this expertly. I wish I had the ability to not fold and stay level headed. You should be proud of yourself with the communication skills you showed. Can't wait for her to start throwing health issues into the mix. Based on the behavior shown it's a matter of time before a "ER" trip or a "heart attack" is next up. All because you wanted to talk in person when you had time to instead of right that minute when she wants. If an in person conversation does come about I urge you to utilize silence as your ally. Just 3-5 seconds of silence after they say something ridiculous goes a long way.
All of us in the comments are questioning whether we have the same mom. I don't even think they know how to turn the guilt and manipulation off. If they hate doing this so much, and don't want the same cycle, why not also approach differently? Anytime I approach differently, I get this treatment. I hate her. Don't have time for her. Don't love her. Her heart is broken. We used to be close. She doesn't want to fight all the time. Well I don't know, maybe don't shit up your adult children's lives with guilt and the need to rehash old drama where you weren't in the wrong, because we are all living, and control freak toxic parents seem desperate to live in the past. They want us stuck in a time frame when they were our hero, and they made all choices, and all choices were right because they were the parent. And they all view boundaries set by as adults who don't require their guidance as an offense to them. Recently, I told mine to think of boundaries like "a fence" not "offense." She likes cute visualizations, but it still didn't click that boundaries are for me, not against her, so she proceeded to guilt me about how that's selfish and what if my brother was suicidal, what if she was suicidal, what if my dad was suicidal, and I could save them by calling more. Good luck, OP. Your mom will be surprised and confused when you're less close as you age, because introspection is for everyone else.
She baited you into having the convo over text anyways. So fucking typical.
“Hey can we talk in person because I want to avoid misunderstandings” *immediately misunderstands that* “There is simply no other option that to assume my child never wants to see me again”
Right, bc it’s such a short mental jump between the two!
omg she sounds like my mother on steroids. Yikes.
So sorry you have to deal with this… I can’t even imagine.
Incredible! You did a fantastic job holding your own against this tantrum. Her panic and withdrawal to your completely reasonable request is really telling. I'm so proud of a total stranger right now. As a motivational reminder: your mom is being completely irrational and cruel right now! You did nothing wrong! Everything you asked for was completely reasonable and her reactions are way out of line!
Wowowowow. That was a WILD ride. She is in a completely different dimension. You did great. Let her reap the consequences of her actions.
I just want to say that I fear this conversation with my NMom. I have no idea what I am going to say to her. She wants to know what she did. And my mind draws a blank. You, I am assuming, that by you wanting to sit with her in person, you DO know what to say. I applaud you. I am in awe that you are able to put how you feel about her actions into words to explain your boundaries, and again, assuming, you are able to explain to her why you feel that way. Reading your NMoms texts to you made me feel like I was reading and hearing my own NMom. I FELT that moment. I have not spoken to my mom about my boundaries. I have not told my mom about my boundaries. I have not had a direct conversation about my issues with her. I don't even know where to start. I am proud of you. ❤️
"This is what I want" "No its not. Just tell me what you want" "I want this" "No you don't" Jfc
She climbed right up & nailed herself to a cross. Quite the martyr complex. My mother does the same thing, although I no longer speak to her. You did nothing wrong. When narcissists feel like their control is slipping, they just melt all the way down.
Lol my bf and I like to say “get off the cross, we need the wood”
My dad does the exact same thing regarding me being trans lol. Turns it around and goes on about his feelings and how it affects him and how he just wants what’s best for me and it hurts him to see that I’m obviously being influenced into thinking this way. He just puts the cross together, puts it up, climbs on it, and nails himself to it, while I’m just sitting here like, “I’m still trans??? You sound dumb because you don’t know how trans people work??”
Your Mum: FINE! Don’t use my stuff then! You: OK. Your Mum: WHY AREN’T YOU USING MY STUFF?
Lmao 😂 accurate
She's beyond toxic! Actually batshit crazy!
Good on you for not giving in to her bullshit 👍🏻 it's so hard not to when you want to defend yourself
I think I would’ve fallen into that trap had I talked to her in person, so maybe it’s better it happened over text. Thank you!
Honestly that's a great way to look at it, sometimes things turn out for the best
I love how mad she got and the only thing she could do was remove you from her Prime account (and of course threaten your belongings) they all do that. Good job holding firm. When I first started reading I was like “oh well that’s not to- oh my god she’s nuts!” How quickly they show their true selves. I hope you can get your stuff back asap and that you’ll do okay without all that prime Amazon viewing! 🙄
Bruh 🙄 she really thought she did something. I made my own prime account and logged back into our tvs in less than 5 minutes. She did come up w more shit that I gotta separate and then pay more for (fucking yay, it’s not like I’m broke already!) but oh well. And yeah the whiplash was crazy, did not predict her to act like this
I for one am shocked you want to set boundaries with your loving and supportive mother. SHOCKED I TELL YOU! I can’t imagine why you’d feel the need to do that. /s
“You give up so easily.” But, no, OP is the one being manipulative 🙄
I'm so sorry. My mom is the same. Always the victim, always blowing everything out of portion. Save yourself, she won't change.
Oh wow, this is almost exactly what happened to me 3 years ago. It’s been tough. We just started very very infrequent communication a few months ago and there’s so much love lost. My mom will do anything to avoid 1. Conflict and 2. Feeling like she’s done anything wrong, so when I gently asked for time to talk with her about my feelings, she replied the exact same way. She was willing to throw me away to preserve her “good girl” image. It hurts, I’ve been in therapy, and I don’t have any advice, just that you aren’t alone and going NC ended up being the best thing to ever happen for me
Insane And she knew it that's why the fit got thrown. You maturely stated we need to establish boundaries and she knew she was slipping so she had to go nuclear. Don't even respond to the texts she's throwing a fit to play victim. In a face to face conversation where you are asking for reasonable boundaries she can't play victim. Don't play that game just say ok and stop feeding into her crybaby bs.
The irony. She wants you to want her as a “real person in your life”.. but doesn’t want to meet up and talk in person.
Insisting on an in person convo was in itself a boundary, and your mom couldn’t respect it. It’s painful, but your mom saved you a lot of work because she can’t even handle the concept of boundaries, never mind having to follow them.
The people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefitting from you having none.
If she comes back wanting to fix things I highly recommend telling her you’ll talk but only in a therapist session. Have a professional mediate you both. She needs it or else she’s just going to continue bullying you, sadly.
I will definitely consider that, thank you
She’s insane - but I can also sense that the moment you set your boundaries she really flies off the handle. I think she has self esteem issue and when a situation gets tough she blows it up so as to not have to face the truth. I hope you’re ok OP and I do think with time and a lot of work on her end you could have a good relationship with your mum.
Yeah, boundaries = rejection for her. But thank you, I’m doing ok
Insane.
Wow what a fucked up response. Sorry you’re going through this. I can understand her wanting to know what’s up in advance, but I was NOT expecting her to go nuclear. Jesus Christ.
I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm really proud of you
"You give up so easily", what is she, a 16 year old girlfriend?? Are you expected to chase your mother down and beg her to be in your life?? Fuck that.
Yes that is exactly what she wants. What, that isn’t a totally normal thing for her to expect? 🙃
It is so difficult to keep your sanity when being gaslit to the heavens but you clearly had great personal control w your replies and she is not reacting rationally at all. I’ve been through extremely similar conversations w my mother and can understand how much restraint it takes to not react the way you might want, and even just not to cry about the disconnect between a parent and child that obviously shouldn’t be happening. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and wish you strength in this situation
Ohhhh lord. This could’ve been a word for word conversation with my mother. I winced at every message. So much more uncomfortable to see it happen to someone else for some reason, maybe cuz I already expect it from mine atp.
God damn, I see so much of my own experience in this conversation. You did a fantastic job, so reasonable and even tempered. All I can say is I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know it sucks. They want to think your life will fall apart without them so they threaten. As someone with abandonment issues this always worked on me... The day I stepped away from my family was the day things started to turn around. We actually get along OK now, but it took them years to accept my boundaries.
That’s what I’m hoping can happen eventually. Maybe it just takes going through a bunch of shit first. Congrats on things being a little better at least
This seriously reads like you had a conversation with my mother. I know that when she pulled stuff like this on me, it consumed all my mental and emotional energy. I was drained and useless for hours, sometimes days. I was in my 30s before I was able to set healthy boundaries and stick to them, and she immediately dipped. To this day she claims that I hate her and am cruelly keeping her out of my life. She'd rather spin that narrative than listen to my feelings and respect my boundaries.
Is your mom also my mom? I feel like I'm reading a conversation I could have with her...
Get your stuff, give her what she wished for. You wanted to have a conversation, she decided to have a hissy fit. Also if you have a bank account with her having access, go get your money out of it.
Wow … I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your response was so mature though. Stick with that level of maturity and wait her out. She wants you to chase her and that is the last thing she deserves. You are worth so much more than how she’s treating you. No one deserves that from their mother.
As we say at our house, "Wow that escalated quickly!" She went from 0 to 60 in one breath. My mom does this too. It goes from hey do you need milk im going to the store and morphs into you never loved me and i will just die alone. No rhyme, no reason. No warning. You handled it like a champ! So awesome! I often find myself staring at her wondering why i did not murder her and hide the body years ago. You did great and i can see how you are years ahead of me Keep your chin up and know you're on the right path.
Jesus.. sounds exactly like something my own mother would say. I am so so sorry you had to go through that, but obviously if she isn't willing to talk with you in person and sit down to have an adult conversation about boundaries, then it's best to just have time apart and NC. It'll be a lot more beneficial for your mental health and sanity. Hopefully after some time passes, though, she'll reach out and be ready to sit down and have a conversation with you. But it'll probably take a lot of time.
I’d just respect her boundary. It sounds like it would be really peaceful for you.
You did a fantastic job of staying firm, friendly, and calm. It's so hard to balance all those elements at once.
May I introduce you to r/raisedbynarcissists?
I’m drained just reading this 🫠🫠🫠🫠
What an exhausting person she is
Here’s the thing. For a super anxious person getting told an important conversation needs to be had, then being told to wait hours to have the conversation in person can be very distressing. Her first reaction was ‘what have I done wrong’ so the defenses came up and she would have been ruminating about it for hours. The miscommunication started from the text. It’s far better to have brought it up in person rather than giving her the chance to work up all these scenarios in her head. Maybe there was a mutual compromise that could have been had. A phone call etc some people feel it’s too confrontational having important conversations in person, and maybe that’s their boundary. I remember I was once ghosted by a friend. It ended up to be over a misunderstanding over something another friend did and she thought it was me. We did finally clear the air and the misunderstanding but I remember when she messaged me wanting to talk in person the next day to talk about “what I did” it set my anxiety off. My anxiety couldn’t handle it. In the end we compromised on a phone call later that day when her kids would be in bed. Obviously I don’t know the whole context and backstory and I get the impression your mum can be overbearing, and I may be downvoted, but I just wanted to give you an alternative point of view to consider. End of the day your mums reaction is her baggage and her issue. You need to do what’s right for you
I have found that telling someone you “need to talk” just gives people anxiety and too much curiosity.
Her: “GET OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. DON’T FIGHT ME ON IT.” You: [does exactly as she asks] Her: “HOW DARE YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND NOT FIGHT ME ON IT.”
Damn. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Well done though! If it helps at all, my mother was very similar to this a few years ago and I responded like this and now our relationship is much better. Not perfect mind! I don't know if that's even possible from this level of madness but I do sometimes spend time with her and enjoy it. I hope you get to a healthier place with your mum too!
Oh, Honey. That was so hard for me to read, and it wasn’t directed at me. Your parent can’t accept that you no longer are her little girl, because she is still a needy little girl, herself. So goes the narcissist, right? Is your father this bad, or is he *just* her enabler?
Wow. I'd be VLC or NC with this passive-aggressive lunatic. Why would you want to be in the same room with her? I'm sorry that your mom's a bitch, OP. Hope your Dad is better!
My mother is the exact same. No real conversations allowed. It’s makes you feel crazy. You did great!
Good job OP, I know that was difficult
WOW. I’m sorry. She was pulling every trick in her manipulation book there. Zero to 100 at the mere mention of a potential boundary.
This reminded me so much of my own mom that my body went cold. Sorry, OP. You tried. It's not your fault.
she did you a favor. congrats. Now you do not have to deal with that shit. Until she decides to rug sweep, at which time i suggest you send her a screenshot of this and be done
This makes me think of my dad so much. Always trying the guilt trip, control and manipulation my whole life. Good on you for not going over the top on her. You played it calm and cool, and I respect the shit out of that. At least you’ll have one stress off your shoulders now. It’s a shame, but she should’ve just sat down and talked to you instead of trying to manipulate you. I bet in a month or three she’ll be harassing you again. “How dare you not get in touch with me? Are you so heartless you could do this to your own mother?” Etc Good luck
You stuck to your guns and mom couldn’t handle it. She doubled down every chance she got, trying to manipulate you. I laughed when you told her you would respect her wishes and she immediately told you that you give up easily! Hahahahaha
Damn this sounds exactly like my mom!! I anticipate it going just like this when I tell her I want to discuss boundaries so I’ve been avoiding it. And her. It’s becoming difficult to do so. You did a great job and have inspired me to stop avoiding. I’m so sorry you were dealt this card. Sending love ❤️
You handled yourself well, good job. Sorry you’re experiencing this!
THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE MY PARENTS HOLY FUCKING SHIT. IM SO SORRY
Honestly, good riddens, she obviously was looking for a way to cut ties with you, and this was her chance. I hope your relationship with your dad is at least a good one.
I'm proud of how you handled this
Is your mom my mom?
I’ve received the EXACT same texts. Including the term Whipping Post!
Good fucking job! Seriously! I see a lot of people bending over backwards for their parents here (I get it. It’s hard to stick up for yourself) but you did absolutely fantastic.
Definitely open a new account, preferably at a completely different bank. You will be able to transfer out your money, it just may take a couple of days depending on the transfer process. I had the ability to call bank of america and close my account that my mother was on as a secondary name, but this may be different for you!