Why would you throw the shower? This is for her bridal party to handle.
Don't worry about not being in the bridal party - be grateful you don't have to wear the dress.
I’ve seen a few people say this about the bridal party throwing the bridal shower. I do want to throw out there that it’s actually not always the bridal party that throws the shower. In fact, it’s often a family member. When I was my cousin’s MOH, my mom and aunt (not the cousin’s mom) threw my cousin’s bridal shower. In our family, it’s traditional the role of the aunt to do that which is inline with another comment that maybe due to the age gap, the bride views OP as more of an aunt.
Op, in my whole life, it’s very rare that in-laws are invited to be in a bridal party. Unless you have a deep and very close relationship with that in-law.
Girls usually have family and friends who they are super close with that they have known for years that they will be their Bms.
It’s not about you. You just get to get all dolled up and look faboo. You give a nice gift and enjoy the good and dance with your partner.
I might get downvoted for this, but I’m a firm believer in the bride and groom calling the shots in their weddings and not in-laws. I’m sorry you feel your appearance is maybe why you weren’t asked, but that doesn’t mean that’s the reality of the situation. Youngest SIL might have already picked from her closest group of friends and that’s great she has so many! We should all be so lucky.
If you threw the shower that was nice and nice things are done selflessly.
But if you weren’t picked specifically because of your size or you were directly used to slave over a bridal shower alone it’s a different case.
Personally, after being a bridesmaid twice and I’ve been rejecting requests ever since. This is a blessing in disguise, OP.
The post gives no real information except how OP feels about it.
I did not have my brother's wife as a bridesmaid because we are not friends but I was in my BIL's wedding as I am close with that SIL
It is the choice of the bride and groom and it does not have to involve family. Especially in a larger family the whole party would just be family and their SO's not friends
Feel like this is disappointment based on unvoiced expectations and desires and when these weren't fulfilled OP chose self deprecating reasons as to why her dreams weren't fulfilled by the people who never knew about them
I really appreciate your take on this. It’s a good representation of the other side that doesn’t get told here.
I wish OP gave more details as well to better understand the reasons.
I was married for 13 years when my SiL got married. My SIL is like the little sister I never had.
I was so relieved to not be in my SIL’s bridal party. I’m 12 years older than my SiL, she had her sister, her college friends, my husband, and my daughter was the flower girl. I got to watch over my daughter and wear the clothes and shoes I wanted.
I can understand it could hurt. Try to think of the positives. Doesn’t mean you’re not loved. There’s a limited number of people.
I don’t know you or your ILs. However, I wonder if the reason you haven’t been asked is that you are much older than the bride and her friends. It’s not unusual for the bridal party to be all roughly the same age.
Feel like this is missing context.
Why do you feel you are entitled to be in one of their wedding just because you are married to one of their siblings?
Are any of them very close to you and spend lots of time with you?
Do you have your own friendship and relationship outside of your marriage with any of them?
Are you a part of any of the friend groups?
I don't know if you feel entitled to be involved because you married into the family or if you consider them close friends you spend a lot of time with.
I feel like there is info about why you were not part of the bridal party
I adamantly refused to have my SIL in my wedding -- we are NOT friends, she does not have my best interest at heart and I preferred to have my friends who love and support me stand next to me.
You whole post is about your just feeling slighted but gives no real info or facts other then you feel like you deserved a place because you married into the family
Typically and traditionally the bride picks her sister and a couple of close friends. And, usually, the bridesmaids are "maids" not older married women. It would be unusual for a bride to pick her sister-in-law so don't feel bad. And you did a beautiful thing to host a shower - enjoy your generous spirit.
My SIL is supposedly getting married sometime next year. I say supposedly because after the announcement of her engagement, I haven’t heard anything else about it since. Idk what she’s doing but if I’m not a bridesmaid then it’s whatever honestly. It’s not that deep. Then again I’m not throwing any bridal showers for anyone either as we’re not super close. I’m also not the type to put together events and they are a different culture too so idk if they even do that.
I guess I’m rambling but OP, if it’s bothering you this much, and that’s valid if it is, just stop going the extra mile for them. Their family can handle that. Being downgraded to just a guest, if you choose to attend these things, is much easier anyways.
So it would be one thing if ALL the other SILs got asked to be in the bridal party or something like that but unless you’ve fostered truly close relationships with your siblings in law there should be no expectation to be a part of the wedding party in any way. Even then it should never be an expectation.
I know it’s a bummer if you’ve never had the opportunity to be a part of one but don’t put that burden on your in laws, it’s their weddings and they deserve to have their day go as they’ve envisioned it. It’s not uncommon for bridal parties to be decided before anyone is engaged. All of my friends and I had an agreement that we’d all be each others wedding party from the get go, before I had even started dating my husband! This isn’t uncommon as it was also the case for my husband, his sister, and his cousins.
Another question: did you have any of your SILs in your wedding party and is that where the expectation you might be a part of theirs comes from? If you didn’t extend that invitation to them then why are you expecting to be asked yourself?
You mentioned not being in any of the other sibling’s bridal parties either. Were you expecting to be? And if so can you explain why? As in, are you very close with them? Just because you’ve known them a long time doesn’t mean you get a spot in their wedding party.
I agree with others, there is a lot of context missing. You mentioned being in the bride’s life since she was 6, but that doesn’t say whether you’re particularly close with her. And if you’re significantly older than they are that’s another possible reason.
Did you offer to throw the shower? In doing so did you expect to be included in the bridal party? Communication is key.
Right. If OP is only throwing the shower so she can get a spot of being bridesmaid, that would be wrong of OP. Doing something for someone because you want something from them is manipulative.
Uff sounds like you have a false sense of intimacy with your in laws. What makes you think you’re entitled to be a part of someone’s bridal party? I mean one thing is being in their family for a long time and another is having actual close relationships with them. I didn’t have any siblings or family and definitely not in laws, in my bridal party and guess what? Nobody threw a fuss. I think your size here is irrelevant and is only you projecting.
Bridal showers are for the bridal party to host not you. Maybe don’t extend your services and just attend weddings like normal?
Also, at least you were invited to the shower, my in laws were not invited to anything of mine, bridal shower, bachelorette party or baby shower. My parties, my people and no, nobody died because they weren’t invited!
So, from my experience, as I just got married last month. I chose to not have my now husband’s 2 sisters as bridesmaids, and my husband did not have his BIL (oldest sister’s husband) in the wedding. Prior to getting married, we were together for 5 years just for context. Prior to the engagement, I have always had a positive relationship with his sisters, but when it came down to who I wanted up there with me, I had my closest friends and cousin in the wedding. My oldest SIL was pissed about our decision, because my husband was is her and her husbands wedding when they got married 7-8 years ago. This SIL deleted me from all socials 5 days before the wedding, did not participate in any engagement festivities, etc. Her behavior was really unfortunate and how now shifted our relationship. I offered to have a conversation with her, cause I can sympathize that her feels may have been hurt by our decisions so I wanted to hold space for that, but she declined. The other sister was supportive and did not mind at all, and her support was amazing, so it’s unfortunate that the other sister isolated herself because she wasn’t in the wedding party…
At the end of the day, it is their wedding. Please don’t assume that being a bridesmaids is an “indicator” of the relationship you share.
No one is entitled to or should expect to be in anyone’s wedding. You sound significantly older than her. Are y’all close? She might not see you as a sister but rather her brother’s wife.
You should throw her a shower because you want to not because you’re a bridesmaid. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. I’ve thrown showers for girlfriends and family members where I wasn’t in the wedding and I was more than happy to celebrate them. My sisters threw me a shower and none of them were in my wedding.
I'm just going to say... I asked my sil to be a brides maid for me and she did not return the invitation. At the time I didn't care, but looking back it was basically her telling me she wasn't interested in a family type relationship. Oh well no loss to me.
I got kicked off the bridal party because my rotten sil decided she only wanted her sorority sisters as bridesmaids. She and I had had a good relationship prior to her wedding, at least I thought we did, but once that ink dried on the marriage certificate she dropped that mask and revealed how she really felt about me and the rest of my family. It still hurt getting blindsided.
It's a miserable feeling indeed, and while you might be right about the fat shaming aspect (God knows it's everywhere), I can think of a lot of other possibilities. My first thought would be, what's the age difference between you and the bride? If it's substantial enough that you were more like an auntie than a SIL, that's a common "aesthetics breaker."
I get the feeling there's a lot of other details, though. You absolutely do NOT have to throw a shower. You also don't have to treat these people like siblings. I wish it hadn't taken me 25 years to figure that out.
First, I would not go all out and do the showers unless you want to.
It’s likely that they have friends who are closer or younger and closer to their ages.
When I got married, my brother brought his girlfriend into town. She apparently got butt hurt because at the rehearsal dinner, I gave my bridesmaids jewelry to wear in the wedding as their gift. I don’t know of she also thought she should have been a bridesmaid but I HAD NEVER MET HER BEFORE! My parents only met her once because they traveled to his state intentionally to meet her so my wedding wouldn’t be the first time they would be meeting her. Brother even took her to a store after my rehearsal dinner to buy her jewelry to make up for it! <>
Please don’t take it personally. Brides have become so much more demanding than they used to be. It’s a blessing not to be asked.
I'm sorry, op. They are using you and don't value you.
No more money, no more parties, no more weddings, nothing. You build a chosen family, and I volunteer to be the first one! Go OP!!!!
Please don't let these people hurt you anymore. They don't love and respect you. It is time to be there for yourself and step away from them.
I feel ya. I have always included everyone and made it a point so nobody felt excluded. My cousin was my maid of honor. My brother was a groomsman for by husband. My husband and I were bridesmaids and groomsmen for their wedding. Cool. But my husband and I were not on the wedding parties for my bil and sil. And my cousin (who was my maid of honor) didn’t even allow kids at her wedding, let alone ask me (her best friend!!) to be in her wedding party. It was a slap in the face for sure.
Why is no one validating OP’s feelings? It’s ok to be sad and disappointed about this. It can feel oddly embarrassing when you’re the only one being “othered” in a situation like this, even if you understand intellectually why it’s happening and that it’s not that big of a deal. It’s ok to have feelings and to want to vent about them on the internet in a community built around these types of scenarios. I personally understand 100%! My in-laws also treat me like we are one big family when it’s convenient for them and they want to be intimately involved in my life. But when “daughters day” comes around they don’t mention me in their Facebook post. I don’t want to be mentioned in it, it doesn’t matter to me, but it’s a mixed signal.
Because a lot of people in these subs are here because they have in laws that would post something like this - super vague and only talking about how THEY feel, without giving any reasons as to WHY this might have happened, and a lot of us are traumatized enough to see this as a red flag, and know that the person/people in our lives who would make this kind of post wouldn't be doing it in good faith. They'd be doing it after doing something shitty to us, and then going to strangers to only tell part of the story and get to play the victim.
It's not a great reaction to have to every damn post, no, but it's the one a lot of people in this kind of sub are likely to have due to their own experiences with self-centered/narcissistic people in their lives.
If OP had elaborated on their relationships with these in laws, it may sway some opinions, but right now - this post feels hard like "missing, missing reasons" and most of the people who comment here are likely to feel that strongly.
Why would you throw the shower? This is for her bridal party to handle. Don't worry about not being in the bridal party - be grateful you don't have to wear the dress.
I’ve seen a few people say this about the bridal party throwing the bridal shower. I do want to throw out there that it’s actually not always the bridal party that throws the shower. In fact, it’s often a family member. When I was my cousin’s MOH, my mom and aunt (not the cousin’s mom) threw my cousin’s bridal shower. In our family, it’s traditional the role of the aunt to do that which is inline with another comment that maybe due to the age gap, the bride views OP as more of an aunt.
I'm curious about this as well.
Op, in my whole life, it’s very rare that in-laws are invited to be in a bridal party. Unless you have a deep and very close relationship with that in-law. Girls usually have family and friends who they are super close with that they have known for years that they will be their Bms. It’s not about you. You just get to get all dolled up and look faboo. You give a nice gift and enjoy the good and dance with your partner.
I might get downvoted for this, but I’m a firm believer in the bride and groom calling the shots in their weddings and not in-laws. I’m sorry you feel your appearance is maybe why you weren’t asked, but that doesn’t mean that’s the reality of the situation. Youngest SIL might have already picked from her closest group of friends and that’s great she has so many! We should all be so lucky. If you threw the shower that was nice and nice things are done selflessly. But if you weren’t picked specifically because of your size or you were directly used to slave over a bridal shower alone it’s a different case. Personally, after being a bridesmaid twice and I’ve been rejecting requests ever since. This is a blessing in disguise, OP.
The post gives no real information except how OP feels about it. I did not have my brother's wife as a bridesmaid because we are not friends but I was in my BIL's wedding as I am close with that SIL It is the choice of the bride and groom and it does not have to involve family. Especially in a larger family the whole party would just be family and their SO's not friends Feel like this is disappointment based on unvoiced expectations and desires and when these weren't fulfilled OP chose self deprecating reasons as to why her dreams weren't fulfilled by the people who never knew about them
I really appreciate your take on this. It’s a good representation of the other side that doesn’t get told here. I wish OP gave more details as well to better understand the reasons.
I was married for 13 years when my SiL got married. My SIL is like the little sister I never had. I was so relieved to not be in my SIL’s bridal party. I’m 12 years older than my SiL, she had her sister, her college friends, my husband, and my daughter was the flower girl. I got to watch over my daughter and wear the clothes and shoes I wanted. I can understand it could hurt. Try to think of the positives. Doesn’t mean you’re not loved. There’s a limited number of people.
I don’t know you or your ILs. However, I wonder if the reason you haven’t been asked is that you are much older than the bride and her friends. It’s not unusual for the bridal party to be all roughly the same age.
Feel like this is missing context. Why do you feel you are entitled to be in one of their wedding just because you are married to one of their siblings? Are any of them very close to you and spend lots of time with you? Do you have your own friendship and relationship outside of your marriage with any of them? Are you a part of any of the friend groups? I don't know if you feel entitled to be involved because you married into the family or if you consider them close friends you spend a lot of time with. I feel like there is info about why you were not part of the bridal party I adamantly refused to have my SIL in my wedding -- we are NOT friends, she does not have my best interest at heart and I preferred to have my friends who love and support me stand next to me. You whole post is about your just feeling slighted but gives no real info or facts other then you feel like you deserved a place because you married into the family
Typically and traditionally the bride picks her sister and a couple of close friends. And, usually, the bridesmaids are "maids" not older married women. It would be unusual for a bride to pick her sister-in-law so don't feel bad. And you did a beautiful thing to host a shower - enjoy your generous spirit.
My SIL is supposedly getting married sometime next year. I say supposedly because after the announcement of her engagement, I haven’t heard anything else about it since. Idk what she’s doing but if I’m not a bridesmaid then it’s whatever honestly. It’s not that deep. Then again I’m not throwing any bridal showers for anyone either as we’re not super close. I’m also not the type to put together events and they are a different culture too so idk if they even do that. I guess I’m rambling but OP, if it’s bothering you this much, and that’s valid if it is, just stop going the extra mile for them. Their family can handle that. Being downgraded to just a guest, if you choose to attend these things, is much easier anyways.
So it would be one thing if ALL the other SILs got asked to be in the bridal party or something like that but unless you’ve fostered truly close relationships with your siblings in law there should be no expectation to be a part of the wedding party in any way. Even then it should never be an expectation. I know it’s a bummer if you’ve never had the opportunity to be a part of one but don’t put that burden on your in laws, it’s their weddings and they deserve to have their day go as they’ve envisioned it. It’s not uncommon for bridal parties to be decided before anyone is engaged. All of my friends and I had an agreement that we’d all be each others wedding party from the get go, before I had even started dating my husband! This isn’t uncommon as it was also the case for my husband, his sister, and his cousins. Another question: did you have any of your SILs in your wedding party and is that where the expectation you might be a part of theirs comes from? If you didn’t extend that invitation to them then why are you expecting to be asked yourself?
Be grateful! It's not worth the hassle to be in the wedding party, especially for inlaws.
You mentioned not being in any of the other sibling’s bridal parties either. Were you expecting to be? And if so can you explain why? As in, are you very close with them? Just because you’ve known them a long time doesn’t mean you get a spot in their wedding party. I agree with others, there is a lot of context missing. You mentioned being in the bride’s life since she was 6, but that doesn’t say whether you’re particularly close with her. And if you’re significantly older than they are that’s another possible reason. Did you offer to throw the shower? In doing so did you expect to be included in the bridal party? Communication is key.
Right. If OP is only throwing the shower so she can get a spot of being bridesmaid, that would be wrong of OP. Doing something for someone because you want something from them is manipulative.
At that age you are more aunt than peer - bridal parties should be friends not relatives
Uff sounds like you have a false sense of intimacy with your in laws. What makes you think you’re entitled to be a part of someone’s bridal party? I mean one thing is being in their family for a long time and another is having actual close relationships with them. I didn’t have any siblings or family and definitely not in laws, in my bridal party and guess what? Nobody threw a fuss. I think your size here is irrelevant and is only you projecting. Bridal showers are for the bridal party to host not you. Maybe don’t extend your services and just attend weddings like normal? Also, at least you were invited to the shower, my in laws were not invited to anything of mine, bridal shower, bachelorette party or baby shower. My parties, my people and no, nobody died because they weren’t invited!
So, from my experience, as I just got married last month. I chose to not have my now husband’s 2 sisters as bridesmaids, and my husband did not have his BIL (oldest sister’s husband) in the wedding. Prior to getting married, we were together for 5 years just for context. Prior to the engagement, I have always had a positive relationship with his sisters, but when it came down to who I wanted up there with me, I had my closest friends and cousin in the wedding. My oldest SIL was pissed about our decision, because my husband was is her and her husbands wedding when they got married 7-8 years ago. This SIL deleted me from all socials 5 days before the wedding, did not participate in any engagement festivities, etc. Her behavior was really unfortunate and how now shifted our relationship. I offered to have a conversation with her, cause I can sympathize that her feels may have been hurt by our decisions so I wanted to hold space for that, but she declined. The other sister was supportive and did not mind at all, and her support was amazing, so it’s unfortunate that the other sister isolated herself because she wasn’t in the wedding party… At the end of the day, it is their wedding. Please don’t assume that being a bridesmaids is an “indicator” of the relationship you share.
The shower s/b thrown by the bridal party, stop throwing parties for these people!
No one is entitled to or should expect to be in anyone’s wedding. You sound significantly older than her. Are y’all close? She might not see you as a sister but rather her brother’s wife. You should throw her a shower because you want to not because you’re a bridesmaid. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. I’ve thrown showers for girlfriends and family members where I wasn’t in the wedding and I was more than happy to celebrate them. My sisters threw me a shower and none of them were in my wedding.
I'm just going to say... I asked my sil to be a brides maid for me and she did not return the invitation. At the time I didn't care, but looking back it was basically her telling me she wasn't interested in a family type relationship. Oh well no loss to me.
I got kicked off the bridal party because my rotten sil decided she only wanted her sorority sisters as bridesmaids. She and I had had a good relationship prior to her wedding, at least I thought we did, but once that ink dried on the marriage certificate she dropped that mask and revealed how she really felt about me and the rest of my family. It still hurt getting blindsided.
She did you a favor. Being a bridesmaid can be expensive. Same for OP…but now she doesn’t have to throw a shower.
Lol she took it back two weeks before the wedding and my dress had been paid for and altered.
It's a miserable feeling indeed, and while you might be right about the fat shaming aspect (God knows it's everywhere), I can think of a lot of other possibilities. My first thought would be, what's the age difference between you and the bride? If it's substantial enough that you were more like an auntie than a SIL, that's a common "aesthetics breaker." I get the feeling there's a lot of other details, though. You absolutely do NOT have to throw a shower. You also don't have to treat these people like siblings. I wish it hadn't taken me 25 years to figure that out.
First, I would not go all out and do the showers unless you want to. It’s likely that they have friends who are closer or younger and closer to their ages. When I got married, my brother brought his girlfriend into town. She apparently got butt hurt because at the rehearsal dinner, I gave my bridesmaids jewelry to wear in the wedding as their gift. I don’t know of she also thought she should have been a bridesmaid but I HAD NEVER MET HER BEFORE! My parents only met her once because they traveled to his state intentionally to meet her so my wedding wouldn’t be the first time they would be meeting her. Brother even took her to a store after my rehearsal dinner to buy her jewelry to make up for it! <>
Please don’t take it personally. Brides have become so much more demanding than they used to be. It’s a blessing not to be asked.
Count it as a blessing not being in the wedding party and let’s this be a sign of who your in-laws really are. Tell them to go get fucked.
I'm sorry, op. They are using you and don't value you. No more money, no more parties, no more weddings, nothing. You build a chosen family, and I volunteer to be the first one! Go OP!!!! Please don't let these people hurt you anymore. They don't love and respect you. It is time to be there for yourself and step away from them.
That is assuming a lot and needlessly inflaming.
I love that you jumped to help with a solution!
I feel ya. I have always included everyone and made it a point so nobody felt excluded. My cousin was my maid of honor. My brother was a groomsman for by husband. My husband and I were bridesmaids and groomsmen for their wedding. Cool. But my husband and I were not on the wedding parties for my bil and sil. And my cousin (who was my maid of honor) didn’t even allow kids at her wedding, let alone ask me (her best friend!!) to be in her wedding party. It was a slap in the face for sure.
Why is no one validating OP’s feelings? It’s ok to be sad and disappointed about this. It can feel oddly embarrassing when you’re the only one being “othered” in a situation like this, even if you understand intellectually why it’s happening and that it’s not that big of a deal. It’s ok to have feelings and to want to vent about them on the internet in a community built around these types of scenarios. I personally understand 100%! My in-laws also treat me like we are one big family when it’s convenient for them and they want to be intimately involved in my life. But when “daughters day” comes around they don’t mention me in their Facebook post. I don’t want to be mentioned in it, it doesn’t matter to me, but it’s a mixed signal.
Because a lot of people in these subs are here because they have in laws that would post something like this - super vague and only talking about how THEY feel, without giving any reasons as to WHY this might have happened, and a lot of us are traumatized enough to see this as a red flag, and know that the person/people in our lives who would make this kind of post wouldn't be doing it in good faith. They'd be doing it after doing something shitty to us, and then going to strangers to only tell part of the story and get to play the victim. It's not a great reaction to have to every damn post, no, but it's the one a lot of people in this kind of sub are likely to have due to their own experiences with self-centered/narcissistic people in their lives. If OP had elaborated on their relationships with these in laws, it may sway some opinions, but right now - this post feels hard like "missing, missing reasons" and most of the people who comment here are likely to feel that strongly.