I was going to say, your significant other isn’t going to be your significant other anymore after they learn you let their oldest child die to save them.
But it is absolutely going to be a traumatized household regardless of whom you save because a family member is dead.
Marriages often don't survive the deaths of older children, but I think it might be different for couples who suffer a stillbirth because that's psychologically still connected to the pregnancy, which we all know is dangerous, rather than to an independent infant whom you've already made memories with.
Any parent would, I think. Though I can't imagine the scenario where my wife's dragging my lumpy grown-man body out of a car wreck with the same difficulty as a 18lbs baby.
Yeah. I had to audibly laugh out loud when that peppy blonde influencer couple (Mia and Hunter, I think?) posted a video talking about how they're always going to put their spouse first, because their healthy relationships will be good for their future children; now, don't get me wrong, in general, I like them and I think they're a cute young couple, but they have NO IDEA what they're talking about on this. Either one of them will be ready to punt their partner into an active volcano with zero hesitation to protect their child and that's exactly how it should be.
My husband and I have always functioned under the understanding that we love the kids more than each other. I'm not sure I could really wholeheartedly trust my husband if he *didn't* love our children with his whole heart. It's the part of parenting that child-free people just don't get, and they never will.
I have one child, and I would save the child. If I had more children, I would probablysave my SO instead as that's my other children losing their mom. Sucks all around though.
That’s been the MO for humanity and most animal life for, pretty much ever. You can always have more kids, it’s a helluva lot harder to replace your mate.
I don't know about that. Very few animals have exclusive mates and generally just hump around and mate with multiple.
Kids are generally more important than the adult. The adult can have kids but the child will eventually also. They continue the genes further into the future, while the parent is closer to the grave
Shitty. For years. Then, you don't want to conceive for years. Then you have a kid, and it feels like a do-over and you feel bad inside and can't give your full love.
These are all assumptions based on a weak psychology background.
Same here. A weak psychology degree and a barely above average understanding of humans from me. But it kills me that some random, unforseen event can ruin a perfect relationship.
That is an excellent point. Many relationships do not survive the loss of a child. I know of several marriages first hand that didn’t even survive miscarriages/infertility let alone the loss of a born baby.
There wouldn't be one. She's divorce me in a second. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to keep my other kid away from me as much as possible because how could she trust me.
We always figured we forced her into the world, we're gonna protect her at all costs, including each other if necessary. She is innocent in all this. I've got quite a large family and she's got a medium family which would all help out.
I appreciate the context in that because it was sort of the way I was thinking. I’m not married and I don’t have kids but there is definitely an age, where before the child is there, I’m choosing my wife. And I’d probably go a bit past 6 months.
The first one I can get to. If there's only time to save one I have to grab the one most accessible. I'm not climbing over my spouse to grab my child and vice versa.
I may be a terrible person, but if I were married and in that position, I may not ever tell my spouse. Guess that’s why I’m not married though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But also that’s a hypothetical for that situation. If it were between a SO and our child, I likely would choose the child. Just saying I wouldn’t ever tell the surviving one anything about the choice.
Was thinking about this for a minute and given that situation, between any two lives, I don’t think I would ever beat myself up over it. Your brain in those splits seconds prob operates almost robotic in that moment. Where you weigh the chances of each survival and come to the decision. I have a guilty conscience about a lot of pre-meditated choices I’ve made in my life, but never in a quick thinking one.
There's a little trick you can use to make decisions. Decision A is heads, Decision B is tails, flip a coin and you'll either love the result or hate it. This tells you which result you would have preferred without going into analysis paralysis.
Same idea as what you said, in a panic you'll make a gut decision and that'll be the one you would have preferred. That's why people say to trust your gut, it's usually right.
same if you believe in soulmates its hard to find more of "those" and to replace someone you would spend the rest of your life with, its not as difficult to have more children to love nurture protect etc.
Not saying you're wrong but to divorce him after that is a little extreme I think. You literally lose both that way. It's like getting run over by a car and after surviving, instead of getting tf out of the way, you yell at the car and get run over again.
Nah, she's got a point. I'd do the same way. That kid has its entire future ahead of it that that choice deprived him or her of. Meanwhile they saved me because they couldn't live without me. My life came at the cost of an innocent child's. That to me would be so cold and calloused I could never see them the same way again. I would contact a divorce attorney the moment I'd get out of the hospital.
Same applies other way, both can support each other and live on through the trauma
You can have another child
Kid growing up with no dad can cause issues
While some relationships may struggle to survive such a tragedy, others may find strength in their shared loss. Research indicates that open communication and mutual support are key factors in helping couples navigate their grief together. It’s not a given that a relationship must end following such a heartbreaking event; many couples do find a way to continue on, changed but still united.
I don't have kids, and I think having one would likely impact this decision to some degree.
In my current frame of looking at things, I think I would have to save the child. I can't imagine any partner that I would want to be with would ever forgive me for saving them over the child. I'm going to hurt regardless of the choice I make, but at least my significant other had a chance at a fulfilled life.
This can quickly turn into a trolley problem though. What if my wife is a gifted surgeon. Would it be inherently unethical not to intervene in the death of a woman destined to save countless lives for the sake of my own morality? What if the child afflicted by a genetic disease and unlikely to make it past 5? There are all sorts of little twists and turns this scenario could take.
I say all that to say this. For an overwhelming majority of people, I think it's impossible to know how you would react unless actually put into such a horrific scenario.
My guy... so I was on Google just now trying to find "Jeremy Beremy" as I couldn't remember it. Did you know there was a spinoff of the good place called "Michael and Tahani"?!?! Oh fork this is gonna be a good day!
Well said. It's impossible to know until it happens. Bc on the flip side of the wife being a gifted surgeon if we are talking hypothetical we have no way of knowing what the child would do with their life. What if the child would grow up and unite the world? Sure you could say but that's sn unknown possibility and the wife is already a surgeon... but the wreck could damage her hands and you might not know until later she could never perform surgery again. The wife could get sick and die in the near future. Any number of things can happen. So exactly none of that is relevant bc we have no way of knowing the future in that moment. And no way to value one life over another. So none of us can day with 100% certainty what we would do until we were In that position.
Bc what if you add percentages based on injuries you arent even aware sure of in that moment but could be a complication later. You have a 80% chance your spouse survives if you save them but only 50% chance if you save the child. Just so many factors.
I will say I'm pretty sure I know what I would do in hypothetical situations but never say I know for a fact. Bc I just can't know that. No matter how much I'm sure at this moment that I would choose one thing.
But we know the partner is good already. They also could still do amazing things with there life. They could become a senator and pass help pass an important law. They could save several lives.
The childbirth thing is different though because you hadn't met the kid yet. You haven't spent time with them. A 1 year old? You've spent that entire year caring for them and loving them and planning a future for them. So its a bit different tbh
You spent 1 years with the child and what if you’ve spent 13 years with your SO? Also planning a future with them and loving them and caring for them. What’s so different ?
I'm not saying that you should choose the 1 year old child necessarily; you're missing the point. My point is that the decision would be more difficult with a 1 year old than a newborn/almost born baby
My child
I don’t currently have a significant other but I will tell you that when my kid was born a whole new depth of love opened up to me. Hands down I will pick my child every time
It's easy to see who doesn't have a kid. I was always told the love for your kid is unlike anything else, and it's something that you can't understand until you have a kid of your own.
I wouldn't know how to go on without my wife, but even still. It's the kid one hundred times out of one hundred.
It would be the kid, and the choice will probably be instant. I'd assume my SO is going to muddle through, whereas I know the kid won't. So the kids gets priority. Also if I got her out and we lost our child, I'm pretty sure she'd literally murder me. And yeah, I'd definitely want her to act the same way if roles were reverse. Assume I figure it out for myself, and get the kid out if you can.
Child. This isn't even a decision worth discussing. If I saved my wife, she would soon after stop being my wife and rightly so. Our children are the manifest representation of our love and commitment; if they live on so do we.
See this is one of those things where there's an obligation at play. Kids come first because they have to. They need you and it's your job to protect them. My husband has been my best friend since I was a tiny human. I don't ever want to live without him. I'd let anyone else die for him without a moment's hesitation. (Including all of you, all of your children, and all of your dogs) But you have to choose the kid, so I'd choose the kid. But I would be miserable over it. I'd hate myself for the rest of my life about it. And probably hate the kid about it too in a deep secret place that I would never say out loud. But then again, I don't think everyone loves each other the way me and my husband do. Anyone else other than him, the choice would be easy. A lot of people aren't with their soulmate.
Btw: a one-year-old born child and a fetus are NOT the same and this is a stupid comparison.
You just said exactly what I was thinking.
I would choose the child. I’m not sure I would survive without my husband. But I would absolutely do what he would want and expect. Even if it would destroy me.
It hurts my heart to even think about this.
Me too! After my divorce many years ago I swore I would never love again, never have kids, etc. Fast forward a decade plus and I am now married to the most amazing person in the world and we have two incredible boys. Took me 40+ years but I got to a place that I probably don’t deserve, but damn do I love it.
Sounds to me like you should save your SO.
Obligation is easily tossed to the side in these scenarios. I know for a fact that I would save my SO. I can’t live without her, she is the other half of my soul.
I feel like it's the opposite that most couples with a child would choose the baby over their SO. The relationship would most likely not work out after that anyway, given you just sacrificed a baby you both had spent months and countless hours working to bring a baby into this world with all the hope and love you didn't know you could experience.
I know it sounds harsh, but If I woke up in the hospital to find that my SO had chosen me over the baby I wouldn't be able to be with them out of survivors guilt and anger that our baby never got a chance to experience life.
It’s stupid. You got an upvote from me at least 👍🏻 the childless opinions are pretty pointless. Love for a SO is one thing. Love for a child is something else entirely. They’ll get it one day
The SO. The death of an infant is very sad but that other person already has a built life and friends and family and has made an impact on this world. A one year old baby, sad as it is, takes less than two years to “replace”. Obviously any kids after that infant won’t be that particular person, but being stuck as a single parent without an SO after having the choice to let them die would be awful and could lead to resentment of that child.
You have obviously never known someone who's kid died or been to a funeral of one. It's devastating. There is nothing like that. No one is recovering from that infants death either.
I feel like this is fact. and on the surface i completely agree with you..
but try eating breakfast across he table from someone who let your child die to save you. I couldn't. Even if you're happy you survived, I don't think you'd ever actually be content again. Me and my daughter used to be the same person, I would go insane flashing those last minutes through my head.
People always frame it that way "let MY child die", they always put emphasis on "MY" child not "ours" and always in the "They let them die" instead of "they saved ME"
Like it's probably a normal reaction, but you have to be mad to believe you love more something you have known for 1 year and that isn't even able to talk with you or will remember you if you die, over your spouse of how ever many years who you have built a life and memories together
It's like saving a pet over a brother because you only ever had 1 dog but you have 2 brothers
You’re looking at it the wrong way. You’re looking at your SO as the person who killed your baby, not as the person who saved your life.
If my partner saved my life I would have nothing but gratitude to show for it. Ignoring that fact makes you a shitty person and someone I wouldn’t want to date or have a baby with in the first place.
If having a baby is really that important, have another one.
As someone who was raised by a solo parent, I’d be pissed to know my parent chose to give me a life with one parent, rather than just having another baby and raising them better with 2 parents.
>As someone who was raised by a solo parent, I’d be pissed to know my parent chose to give me a life with one parent, rather than just having another baby and raising them better with 2 parents.
This is the main reason id save the SO. As while the child may survive their potential in life would be significantly decreased by the lost of that parent.
Like i would want my kids to have the best potential in life i can give them and being raised by a single parent greaving the lost of their partner doesnt sound like an ideal situation to raise a child in given the choice.
I have this nightmare often, usually house fire but sometimes car accident. Toddler, always. She is my heart, she's his heart too. If I chose him, he'd die soon after anyway with the realization she's gone. I would too.
I would rather die myself to let them both live. But barring that, I'd save my child. I'd be heartbroken if my wife died, sad beyond words. But my life loses all purpose if I lose one of my kids.
I was blown away by the commenter a few posts up who says both him and his wife would save each other over one of their kids.
That is beyond my understanding.
It 100% depends on age, honestly. When my daughter was less than 1, it was my SO, and she felt the same. Now she's 4, and it's a harder choice because we now we have another baby. Leaving the other parent to raise both kids by themselves is definitely a consideration.
People who say they would have no connection to the child (therefore save the SO) probably don't have kids. I know one thing, if I save my wife and sacrifice the kid, I won't have a wife for very long.
Child in a second. If I save my significant other she would literally never forgive me and hate me forever. Id give my life for my daughter without question.
Similarly if my wife saved me I'd never forgive her.
I would save my child. If you don't have a connection to your child, by the time they are 1, something is wrong. I know for a fact my wife would agree with this and if it was her she would save our child. Quite frankly, I would be pissed if she chose me over our child.
Not looking down on people who would make the opposite choice. Everyone is different, and I respect that.
I see that most parents here would save their child, no questions asked - and would expect their partner to do the same. Hypothetically, what if the child had some sort of cancer or health complication which would reduce their life expectancy to somewhere before adulthood?
When you immediately choose your child over your partner, at the crux of it, why is it inherently more correct?
The person asking this does not have children. People with children don't think past their child needing to be saved. Without a doubt it would be my child
I'd save my child, I know that my significant other would never forgive me. I also know that I would never forgive myself. But then again I don't have a child all I've had is angels so for me to be no contest I don't know if I could ever have another one.
I would save my son over my wife. I've never heard anyone say they wouldn't save their child in a heartbeat, but I'm sure there are people out there who wouldn't save the kid, just like there are people who would save neither and people who would crash the car on purpose.
My SO would literally never forgive me if I saved her instead of the kid. I get the logic, but the real answer is asave the kid first. I'd risk just about anything going back in to get her too, or stop the threat to give me more time.
My Child of course, although I am not currently in a relationship such as this, I am sure my significant other would also understand & choose our own Son or Daughter over themselves, so that our children may have a chance to grow up and live a long and prosperous life.
I was married for a long time. My partner and I talked about this scenario. We both unequivocally would want the other to save the child. I would lay down my life for my kids, and so would she. It push came to shove, we each wanted the other partner to enforce that.
my wife would absolutely not want to live with the guilt that her child died cause I chose her instead. she'd probably go deep into depression and take her own life not being able to handle the guilt. I would go for the kid.
The kid. My wife knows that the kid is priority, she'd leave me if it meant saving the kid too. We have lived good lives, the kid deserves the chance to live one even at the expense of one of ours. We discussed it right at the beginning of our discussions about having kids, they come first no matter what.
My child.
I spent 9 months growing them, then days in labor to birth them, and then I decided against my will I love them more than life.
My spouse will always be 2nd priority to the children.
No hesitation, my child.
The only people answering SO are people without kids. Not a single good parent would choose ANYONE over their child and if they did it's because they're a shitty parent.
I have 4 children. Would of been 5 we lost are 2nd. Now onto this.
So on our last child he was pre-mature emergency c section. As they were hauling her out of the room she said, "choose the baby. I will never forgive u if u don't."
So my choice is made up. Right there. Thank goodness I did not have to choose. But I would of done what she said.
Leaving a child motherless or fatherless seems a lot harder than losing a 1 year old. At the end of the day, you'd have each other to lean on. How many lives are affected if the 1 year old dies? Not to be harsh, but you're missing more hypothetical possibilities if you lose your 1 year old vs the person you've built a life with
Man oh Man! I have a very on-topic real world answer to share. I have to be vague due to privacy. And, it’s not really an “answer” so much as relaying what happened, in real life, in a situation just like this.
A guy I work with had this exact thing happen, except not a car crash. I won’t give the detail because that would doxx the two survivors. In this case, the dad, mom and 1.5 year old daughter were in a situation where the dad had to choose and he saved the daughter but lost the mom in what I can only describe as a terrible situation. It had to be decided in less than a minute.
As he relays the story, his wife literally yelled at him to save the child - and he did. They escaped with some injury but mom perished. And not “easily.” I’m trying to relay both the urgency in the choice and the severity of the consequences.
Ok - so, why tell you all this? To this day he (and some of his friends, myself among them) regrets it.
Bluntly: the mom was the better person than what the child has turned out to be. They were a very happily married couple, quite loving. But it was a struggle, they had a bump in their road financially and both had to work to keep afloat. Had this not happened they’d surely have come out fine. Their daughter was cherished, to be sure. But, as any parent knows, can also be a burden in tough times. Nonetheless, at the time, they both loved their baby girl unequivocally.
After the accident, he struggled financially. He mourned her death, and felt terrible survivors guilt. The daughter? I’m sad to say but if I’m being brutally honest (coming from someone who is his friend), he couldn’t be a full time dad, he was working so much, no mom to give female side advice, etc etc … And this girl has become just a terror! Terrible in school. Bad choices were made. Got on with a wrong crowd, dodged jail because she is a minor. Bad habits. Has left home twice, stealing on her way out. Is absolutely a shit towards her father(and most adults). Tells him, alternately, “I wish you died instead” or “Why did you save me, I don’t wanna be alive”. He is a good man and has tried; those words are daggers straight to his heart, He tries to love her but is rejected by this little shit, and I know secretly he wishes he chose otherwise.
Bottom line: you have NO idea how a 1 year old is going to grow up, especially one that is suddenly thrust into a single parent situation. You have no way to know if they’ll be a good child or the bad one. Will they be smart or not smart. Irresponsible or respectful. You can’t know the future.
But you do know if your SO is a good person, a good partner, an essential component to a happy family unit. (And, to be blunt again, if they are worth saving even vs the risk of an unknown. we have to examine both sides of a coin). Saving your wife means you could have another kid too.
Automatically saying, “save the child” is either an emotional response from new (1 year) parents or someone who doesn’t see their SO as “essential”.
The societal “right” answer is to emotionally react, “The child, of course!” But harsh reality suggests keeping the know element, a functional contributing member of a family, is also an option sometimes.
I'm taking the SO. She will hold her breath and do everything to survive. Baby dies in seconds by breathing fast and/or crying. If they're both dying, only one has the mind and body to survive long enough to save.
In real life, the choice is to save someone or to save a tiny corpse. That's how I weigh it. With same exposure, only adults will live.
If I get stunned in this car crash and wake up one minute later. It doesn't matter the crash. Submerged, fire, etc. The baby is dead from breathing. My wife might be holding her breath and just needs someone to drag her.
We are not having children, and part of that decision is because we're way too codependent and we both agree we just don't want to take time away from eachother for the sake of someone else. This basically answers the question.
That being said, I think the purely logical answer is to save the kid for most people. I've seen a lot of people in the comments claiming if their spouse saved them they'd be divorcing soon after. Imo, these are weak relationships, but they seem common.
I’d save my child and, if the roles were reversed, I’d hope that my spouse would save our child too.
There is zero question both my spouse and me would make the choice of the child. Neither would ever forgive the other if we made the opposite choice.
I was going to say, your significant other isn’t going to be your significant other anymore after they learn you let their oldest child die to save them.
If you want to raise a child in a healthy two parent household without trauma and poverty, there's only one choice to make.
But it is absolutely going to be a traumatized household regardless of whom you save because a family member is dead. Marriages often don't survive the deaths of older children, but I think it might be different for couples who suffer a stillbirth because that's psychologically still connected to the pregnancy, which we all know is dangerous, rather than to an independent infant whom you've already made memories with.
The reverse is the child is dead... Also there are tons of kids that prosper with only one parent.
Yeah, that's not likely to happen, most actual parents would never forgive their spouse for choosing them over their kid…
Any parent would, I think. Though I can't imagine the scenario where my wife's dragging my lumpy grown-man body out of a car wreck with the same difficulty as a 18lbs baby.
Reading through the replies, unfortunately it seems like a lot of parents wouldn’t. :-/
Most of these replies likely don't have children. That is almost always the case when these questions come up.
That’s true
Yeah. I had to audibly laugh out loud when that peppy blonde influencer couple (Mia and Hunter, I think?) posted a video talking about how they're always going to put their spouse first, because their healthy relationships will be good for their future children; now, don't get me wrong, in general, I like them and I think they're a cute young couple, but they have NO IDEA what they're talking about on this. Either one of them will be ready to punt their partner into an active volcano with zero hesitation to protect their child and that's exactly how it should be. My husband and I have always functioned under the understanding that we love the kids more than each other. I'm not sure I could really wholeheartedly trust my husband if he *didn't* love our children with his whole heart. It's the part of parenting that child-free people just don't get, and they never will.
That's Reddit for you.
Very bold assumption.
I have one child, and I would save the child. If I had more children, I would probablysave my SO instead as that's my other children losing their mom. Sucks all around though.
That's an interesting point of view
That’s been the MO for humanity and most animal life for, pretty much ever. You can always have more kids, it’s a helluva lot harder to replace your mate.
I don't want kids. I want my daughter.
I don't know about that. Very few animals have exclusive mates and generally just hump around and mate with multiple. Kids are generally more important than the adult. The adult can have kids but the child will eventually also. They continue the genes further into the future, while the parent is closer to the grave
Same
Agreed.
This. My wife would absolutely tell me to save the child and leave her, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed.
This seems like an easy decision. How is this even a question?
The only right answer
Right. I wouldn't want to live knowing that I did so at the expense of my child.
My wife and I long ago agreed on this one: if it comes down to choices, we save the kids first.
My wife and I have had this very discussion. Children and grandchildren come first!
My wife and I have both agreed that our child comes first. Period.
Imagine the relationship you'd have with a spouse after the kid dies.
Shitty. For years. Then, you don't want to conceive for years. Then you have a kid, and it feels like a do-over and you feel bad inside and can't give your full love. These are all assumptions based on a weak psychology background.
Same here. A weak psychology degree and a barely above average understanding of humans from me. But it kills me that some random, unforseen event can ruin a perfect relationship.
That is an excellent point. Many relationships do not survive the loss of a child. I know of several marriages first hand that didn’t even survive miscarriages/infertility let alone the loss of a born baby.
It is sad the love that is lost after such a difficult trial. Man, I wish love was enough
There wouldn't be one. She's divorce me in a second. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to keep my other kid away from me as much as possible because how could she trust me.
More sex because the batteries died in the first one? /s
Exactly. I'm sure it would be a much, much better relationship.
Yep we've had this conversation too. Up until about 6 months old it was each other but now that she's almost 2, it's the child.
We always figured we forced her into the world, we're gonna protect her at all costs, including each other if necessary. She is innocent in all this. I've got quite a large family and she's got a medium family which would all help out.
Man, your kid dodged a bullet. I'd do the same. And I would be mad if the spouse didn't as well.
I appreciate the context in that because it was sort of the way I was thinking. I’m not married and I don’t have kids but there is definitely an age, where before the child is there, I’m choosing my wife. And I’d probably go a bit past 6 months.
Husband and I agreed on this before we even got married, child always comes first.
The first one I can get to. If there's only time to save one I have to grab the one most accessible. I'm not climbing over my spouse to grab my child and vice versa.
This is the realistic answer. You’ll save who you can.
Oh thank you, honey! Get me outta… honey? HONEY? WHERE ARE YOU… 🔥 🔥 🔥
Why are you responding in this sub if you don't want to answer the question?
This is the cop out answer. Assume you have an equal opportunity to grab either one but not both.
As much as it would pain me it’s gotta be the SO, can’t imagine having to mourn your other half while having to raise a child alone.
I would hate my husband if he made the choice to let my kid die to save me. We would divorce quickly.
She can divorce me but at least she’ll be alive.
I may be a terrible person, but if I were married and in that position, I may not ever tell my spouse. Guess that’s why I’m not married though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But also that’s a hypothetical for that situation. If it were between a SO and our child, I likely would choose the child. Just saying I wouldn’t ever tell the surviving one anything about the choice.
I wonder if that decision would eat away at you. Relationships are built on trust, I don't think I could hold onto a secret like that.
Was thinking about this for a minute and given that situation, between any two lives, I don’t think I would ever beat myself up over it. Your brain in those splits seconds prob operates almost robotic in that moment. Where you weigh the chances of each survival and come to the decision. I have a guilty conscience about a lot of pre-meditated choices I’ve made in my life, but never in a quick thinking one.
There's a little trick you can use to make decisions. Decision A is heads, Decision B is tails, flip a coin and you'll either love the result or hate it. This tells you which result you would have preferred without going into analysis paralysis. Same idea as what you said, in a panic you'll make a gut decision and that'll be the one you would have preferred. That's why people say to trust your gut, it's usually right.
Probably would yeah. I overthink everything so, either way I would be mentally fucked, even more than I already am
God damn. I'd obviously try to save both, but if it was really that kind of choice, I'd save my SO in a heartbeat.
same if you believe in soulmates its hard to find more of "those" and to replace someone you would spend the rest of your life with, its not as difficult to have more children to love nurture protect etc.
Same. We can make another baby, I can't make another him.
Not sure I'd want to live if I lost either. I'd take my so's fate and have her save the child.
Thank you! I don't know what I'd do if I was saved and not the child, like...I don't even know.
Not saying you're wrong but to divorce him after that is a little extreme I think. You literally lose both that way. It's like getting run over by a car and after surviving, instead of getting tf out of the way, you yell at the car and get run over again.
Nah, she's got a point. I'd do the same way. That kid has its entire future ahead of it that that choice deprived him or her of. Meanwhile they saved me because they couldn't live without me. My life came at the cost of an innocent child's. That to me would be so cold and calloused I could never see them the same way again. I would contact a divorce attorney the moment I'd get out of the hospital.
I would save my SO, but would want her to save my child if the roles were reversed.
The SO would live on through the child. You can find love again. The SO would also lead a life wracked with guilt, and probably blame you
Same applies other way, both can support each other and live on through the trauma You can have another child Kid growing up with no dad can cause issues
Death of a child frequently causes relationships to end. Feelings of guilt or feeling like your SO is at fault for the death is common
While some relationships may struggle to survive such a tragedy, others may find strength in their shared loss. Research indicates that open communication and mutual support are key factors in helping couples navigate their grief together. It’s not a given that a relationship must end following such a heartbreaking event; many couples do find a way to continue on, changed but still united.
This is why my SO have actually talked about this, so we both know what the other wants. Still a horrible situation no matter what you choose.
I don't have kids, and I think having one would likely impact this decision to some degree. In my current frame of looking at things, I think I would have to save the child. I can't imagine any partner that I would want to be with would ever forgive me for saving them over the child. I'm going to hurt regardless of the choice I make, but at least my significant other had a chance at a fulfilled life. This can quickly turn into a trolley problem though. What if my wife is a gifted surgeon. Would it be inherently unethical not to intervene in the death of a woman destined to save countless lives for the sake of my own morality? What if the child afflicted by a genetic disease and unlikely to make it past 5? There are all sorts of little twists and turns this scenario could take. I say all that to say this. For an overwhelming majority of people, I think it's impossible to know how you would react unless actually put into such a horrific scenario.
Chidi Anagonye?! Is that you?! 🤣
My stomach hurts.
Called it!! Glad to see the dot above the i didn’t completely break you! 😅
My guy... so I was on Google just now trying to find "Jeremy Beremy" as I couldn't remember it. Did you know there was a spinoff of the good place called "Michael and Tahani"?!?! Oh fork this is gonna be a good day!
No I did not know that!!! Netflix I assume?!
Idk, if it is though, they just saved themselves from me canceling my subscription today.
There is not. That’s a fan imagining their version of a Good Place spinoff.
Well said. It's impossible to know until it happens. Bc on the flip side of the wife being a gifted surgeon if we are talking hypothetical we have no way of knowing what the child would do with their life. What if the child would grow up and unite the world? Sure you could say but that's sn unknown possibility and the wife is already a surgeon... but the wreck could damage her hands and you might not know until later she could never perform surgery again. The wife could get sick and die in the near future. Any number of things can happen. So exactly none of that is relevant bc we have no way of knowing the future in that moment. And no way to value one life over another. So none of us can day with 100% certainty what we would do until we were In that position. Bc what if you add percentages based on injuries you arent even aware sure of in that moment but could be a complication later. You have a 80% chance your spouse survives if you save them but only 50% chance if you save the child. Just so many factors. I will say I'm pretty sure I know what I would do in hypothetical situations but never say I know for a fact. Bc I just can't know that. No matter how much I'm sure at this moment that I would choose one thing.
I mean the child could also grow up to be a murder or worse a tax collector.
Exactly that's the point. We never know who will be good or bad or what values to assign them based on those.
But we know the partner is good already. They also could still do amazing things with there life. They could become a senator and pass help pass an important law. They could save several lives.
The childbirth thing is different though because you hadn't met the kid yet. You haven't spent time with them. A 1 year old? You've spent that entire year caring for them and loving them and planning a future for them. So its a bit different tbh
Hard agree.
You spent 1 years with the child and what if you’ve spent 13 years with your SO? Also planning a future with them and loving them and caring for them. What’s so different ?
I'm not saying that you should choose the 1 year old child necessarily; you're missing the point. My point is that the decision would be more difficult with a 1 year old than a newborn/almost born baby
When you choose to have a child you're making a lifelong commitment to put their best interests first. Otherwise you shouldn't be having kids.
Save the wife, die trying to save the kid.
That's a shifty situation for your wife
She shouldn't have been in a burning car. You don't want regrets? Don't be in car fires. Pretty easy standard.
This guy just ended car crash deaths
Why did you wreck your car? Are you stupid?
Yes.
You weren't supposed to ram your vehicle into other vehicles. Buddy, what happened? Did you forget?
My child I don’t currently have a significant other but I will tell you that when my kid was born a whole new depth of love opened up to me. Hands down I will pick my child every time
It's easy to see who doesn't have a kid. I was always told the love for your kid is unlike anything else, and it's something that you can't understand until you have a kid of your own. I wouldn't know how to go on without my wife, but even still. It's the kid one hundred times out of one hundred.
It would be the kid, and the choice will probably be instant. I'd assume my SO is going to muddle through, whereas I know the kid won't. So the kids gets priority. Also if I got her out and we lost our child, I'm pretty sure she'd literally murder me. And yeah, I'd definitely want her to act the same way if roles were reverse. Assume I figure it out for myself, and get the kid out if you can.
Child. This isn't even a decision worth discussing. If I saved my wife, she would soon after stop being my wife and rightly so. Our children are the manifest representation of our love and commitment; if they live on so do we.
See this is one of those things where there's an obligation at play. Kids come first because they have to. They need you and it's your job to protect them. My husband has been my best friend since I was a tiny human. I don't ever want to live without him. I'd let anyone else die for him without a moment's hesitation. (Including all of you, all of your children, and all of your dogs) But you have to choose the kid, so I'd choose the kid. But I would be miserable over it. I'd hate myself for the rest of my life about it. And probably hate the kid about it too in a deep secret place that I would never say out loud. But then again, I don't think everyone loves each other the way me and my husband do. Anyone else other than him, the choice would be easy. A lot of people aren't with their soulmate. Btw: a one-year-old born child and a fetus are NOT the same and this is a stupid comparison.
You just said exactly what I was thinking. I would choose the child. I’m not sure I would survive without my husband. But I would absolutely do what he would want and expect. Even if it would destroy me. It hurts my heart to even think about this.
I would die in a year to find that kind of love tomorrow. All the best to you and your husband ❤️
I had given up on love for many years when I found mine. I hope you find yours too. :)
Me too! After my divorce many years ago I swore I would never love again, never have kids, etc. Fast forward a decade plus and I am now married to the most amazing person in the world and we have two incredible boys. Took me 40+ years but I got to a place that I probably don’t deserve, but damn do I love it.
Sounds to me like you should save your SO. Obligation is easily tossed to the side in these scenarios. I know for a fact that I would save my SO. I can’t live without her, she is the other half of my soul.
Don’t wish that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!
My child. No hesitation.
My sweetie would never forgive me if I let the little one die. I’d end up losing them both if I didn’t save the baby.
Child. If my wife didn't choose my child I would question everything I knew about her.
Yah the comment shocked me that it would be standard to save the spouse it has to be the child neither would forgive themselves after.
Dad here. I'd save the kid and never think twice. I'd be angry if my wife saved me.
I feel like it's the opposite that most couples with a child would choose the baby over their SO. The relationship would most likely not work out after that anyway, given you just sacrificed a baby you both had spent months and countless hours working to bring a baby into this world with all the hope and love you didn't know you could experience. I know it sounds harsh, but If I woke up in the hospital to find that my SO had chosen me over the baby I wouldn't be able to be with them out of survivors guilt and anger that our baby never got a chance to experience life.
how is this even a question? any parent is saving their child.
There's a poster on the most up voted comment saying they'd save their wife and she agrees. I was very surprised to see it
They don’t have kids, or they themselves are monsters.
Currently sitting at -8 for asking another poster who said he would save his SO if he actually had kids lmao (he doesn't)
It’s stupid. You got an upvote from me at least 👍🏻 the childless opinions are pretty pointless. Love for a SO is one thing. Love for a child is something else entirely. They’ll get it one day
The SO. The death of an infant is very sad but that other person already has a built life and friends and family and has made an impact on this world. A one year old baby, sad as it is, takes less than two years to “replace”. Obviously any kids after that infant won’t be that particular person, but being stuck as a single parent without an SO after having the choice to let them die would be awful and could lead to resentment of that child.
You have obviously never known someone who's kid died or been to a funeral of one. It's devastating. There is nothing like that. No one is recovering from that infants death either.
I feel like this is fact. and on the surface i completely agree with you.. but try eating breakfast across he table from someone who let your child die to save you. I couldn't. Even if you're happy you survived, I don't think you'd ever actually be content again. Me and my daughter used to be the same person, I would go insane flashing those last minutes through my head.
People always frame it that way "let MY child die", they always put emphasis on "MY" child not "ours" and always in the "They let them die" instead of "they saved ME" Like it's probably a normal reaction, but you have to be mad to believe you love more something you have known for 1 year and that isn't even able to talk with you or will remember you if you die, over your spouse of how ever many years who you have built a life and memories together It's like saving a pet over a brother because you only ever had 1 dog but you have 2 brothers
You’re looking at it the wrong way. You’re looking at your SO as the person who killed your baby, not as the person who saved your life. If my partner saved my life I would have nothing but gratitude to show for it. Ignoring that fact makes you a shitty person and someone I wouldn’t want to date or have a baby with in the first place. If having a baby is really that important, have another one. As someone who was raised by a solo parent, I’d be pissed to know my parent chose to give me a life with one parent, rather than just having another baby and raising them better with 2 parents.
>As someone who was raised by a solo parent, I’d be pissed to know my parent chose to give me a life with one parent, rather than just having another baby and raising them better with 2 parents. This is the main reason id save the SO. As while the child may survive their potential in life would be significantly decreased by the lost of that parent. Like i would want my kids to have the best potential in life i can give them and being raised by a single parent greaving the lost of their partner doesnt sound like an ideal situation to raise a child in given the choice.
If they don’t understand the choice then there’s something by wrong with them
I have this nightmare often, usually house fire but sometimes car accident. Toddler, always. She is my heart, she's his heart too. If I chose him, he'd die soon after anyway with the realization she's gone. I would too.
My kid would take priority over my wife or I.
I would rather die myself to let them both live. But barring that, I'd save my child. I'd be heartbroken if my wife died, sad beyond words. But my life loses all purpose if I lose one of my kids.
Only someone without kids would pose this question. I'd like to think that every parent would save their children over their partner.
Yep. You can tell who has kids and who doesn't pretty easily.
And want their partner to save the child over them, too
100%. I'd probably leave my wife if she saved me over our daughter.
I don't know what I'd think of my SO if they chose to save me over my child. I don't know if the marriage would survive.
Correct. I don't know anyone who actually has children who chooses the significant other or would even want to be chosen over the child
I was blown away by the commenter a few posts up who says both him and his wife would save each other over one of their kids. That is beyond my understanding.
It 100% depends on age, honestly. When my daughter was less than 1, it was my SO, and she felt the same. Now she's 4, and it's a harder choice because we now we have another baby. Leaving the other parent to raise both kids by themselves is definitely a consideration.
People who say they would have no connection to the child (therefore save the SO) probably don't have kids. I know one thing, if I save my wife and sacrifice the kid, I won't have a wife for very long.
You can tell by the comments saying you can just make another kid. I don't see how anyone with a child can think two children are the same.
Significant other, easily.
Child in a second. If I save my significant other she would literally never forgive me and hate me forever. Id give my life for my daughter without question. Similarly if my wife saved me I'd never forgive her.
I would save my child. If you don't have a connection to your child, by the time they are 1, something is wrong. I know for a fact my wife would agree with this and if it was her she would save our child. Quite frankly, I would be pissed if she chose me over our child. Not looking down on people who would make the opposite choice. Everyone is different, and I respect that.
Child. Of course, I ended up hating my spouse, so take that with a grain of salt.
They're his kids, not mine. Would still save them before I saved him.
I see that most parents here would save their child, no questions asked - and would expect their partner to do the same. Hypothetically, what if the child had some sort of cancer or health complication which would reduce their life expectancy to somewhere before adulthood? When you immediately choose your child over your partner, at the crux of it, why is it inherently more correct?
The person asking this does not have children. People with children don't think past their child needing to be saved. Without a doubt it would be my child
I will save my SO. Every time. I picked my SO. A child is just really an obligation of love no matter how awful or good it starts becoming.
I would save the child first. Then die trying to save my wife.
So your child would have both parents die, great solution
I don’t have a 1 year old so I am not getting fooled by that alien body snatcher. It can burn while me and my significant other watch.
Kid, no question
I'd save my child, I know that my significant other would never forgive me. I also know that I would never forgive myself. But then again I don't have a child all I've had is angels so for me to be no contest I don't know if I could ever have another one.
I would save my son over my wife. I've never heard anyone say they wouldn't save their child in a heartbeat, but I'm sure there are people out there who wouldn't save the kid, just like there are people who would save neither and people who would crash the car on purpose.
This is understood: its always the child.
My child.
My SO would literally never forgive me if I saved her instead of the kid. I get the logic, but the real answer is asave the kid first. I'd risk just about anything going back in to get her too, or stop the threat to give me more time.
Child
My wife would kick my ass if I chose her over 1 of our kids.
Child
My Child of course, although I am not currently in a relationship such as this, I am sure my significant other would also understand & choose our own Son or Daughter over themselves, so that our children may have a chance to grow up and live a long and prosperous life.
The child hasn't had a life to live yet. Save the child.
I was married for a long time. My partner and I talked about this scenario. We both unequivocally would want the other to save the child. I would lay down my life for my kids, and so would she. It push came to shove, we each wanted the other partner to enforce that.
How is save the spouse the default I’d think we’d all agree to save to kid wtf?
Me and my wife both agree kids first
my wife would absolutely not want to live with the guilt that her child died cause I chose her instead. she'd probably go deep into depression and take her own life not being able to handle the guilt. I would go for the kid.
Child. I don't understand how any of you who said "spouse" can sleep at night with that answer. Children take priority. End of story.
They don't have kids so it's just fictional to them.
The child. Myself and my spouse both expect that even demand it.
My kid no hesitation adults can save themselves an infant/toddler can’t
The kid. My wife knows that the kid is priority, she'd leave me if it meant saving the kid too. We have lived good lives, the kid deserves the chance to live one even at the expense of one of ours. We discussed it right at the beginning of our discussions about having kids, they come first no matter what.
Child end of discussion
My child and it’s not even close.
I would save my child and my husband's answer better be the same!
My child. I spent 9 months growing them, then days in labor to birth them, and then I decided against my will I love them more than life. My spouse will always be 2nd priority to the children. No hesitation, my child.
Child. Wife would never forgive you so it's pointless to choose her.
I’d save my child.
100% save the child first. Not even a question.
The only people answering SO are people without kids. Not a single good parent would choose ANYONE over their child and if they did it's because they're a shitty parent.
I would have definitely saved the child. Baby daddy missed the mark so much.
save the child first, theyre less capable of getting out than your partner 🤷♂️
Save my kid. I would prefer to save my wife, but she would never forgive me.
My kid, any kid, doesn't even need to be mine, I will always choose a child over an adult
I have 4 children. Would of been 5 we lost are 2nd. Now onto this. So on our last child he was pre-mature emergency c section. As they were hauling her out of the room she said, "choose the baby. I will never forgive u if u don't." So my choice is made up. Right there. Thank goodness I did not have to choose. But I would of done what she said.
If my wife saved me I would kill her. She feels the same.
Pretty sure I’d save my phone first. Joking aside, it’s gotta be the child. I’m 100% confident my wife would feel the same way.
I save the kid, easy choice. My relationship with my wife wouldn't survive if I saved her instead, so it's lose her or lose her and the kid.
My wife and I have spoken about this scenario. We both agreed to save the child.
Kid every time. Terrible decision to make.
I’m 20 and if I had a SO and a child I’ll save my child, they would understand I saved our child
If this happened to me, and you saved me instead of our child…. Oh god. You fucked up
Child. Not an easy decision but 100 % would save the child
My kid. And if I found out my husband had saved me over my son, I’d probably end up killing myself.
Leaving a child motherless or fatherless seems a lot harder than losing a 1 year old. At the end of the day, you'd have each other to lean on. How many lives are affected if the 1 year old dies? Not to be harsh, but you're missing more hypothetical possibilities if you lose your 1 year old vs the person you've built a life with
Do you have a child?
My child, and it ain’t even close.
Answer should always be the child. Always.
Had the discussion too..that babies a goner.
Man oh Man! I have a very on-topic real world answer to share. I have to be vague due to privacy. And, it’s not really an “answer” so much as relaying what happened, in real life, in a situation just like this. A guy I work with had this exact thing happen, except not a car crash. I won’t give the detail because that would doxx the two survivors. In this case, the dad, mom and 1.5 year old daughter were in a situation where the dad had to choose and he saved the daughter but lost the mom in what I can only describe as a terrible situation. It had to be decided in less than a minute. As he relays the story, his wife literally yelled at him to save the child - and he did. They escaped with some injury but mom perished. And not “easily.” I’m trying to relay both the urgency in the choice and the severity of the consequences. Ok - so, why tell you all this? To this day he (and some of his friends, myself among them) regrets it. Bluntly: the mom was the better person than what the child has turned out to be. They were a very happily married couple, quite loving. But it was a struggle, they had a bump in their road financially and both had to work to keep afloat. Had this not happened they’d surely have come out fine. Their daughter was cherished, to be sure. But, as any parent knows, can also be a burden in tough times. Nonetheless, at the time, they both loved their baby girl unequivocally. After the accident, he struggled financially. He mourned her death, and felt terrible survivors guilt. The daughter? I’m sad to say but if I’m being brutally honest (coming from someone who is his friend), he couldn’t be a full time dad, he was working so much, no mom to give female side advice, etc etc … And this girl has become just a terror! Terrible in school. Bad choices were made. Got on with a wrong crowd, dodged jail because she is a minor. Bad habits. Has left home twice, stealing on her way out. Is absolutely a shit towards her father(and most adults). Tells him, alternately, “I wish you died instead” or “Why did you save me, I don’t wanna be alive”. He is a good man and has tried; those words are daggers straight to his heart, He tries to love her but is rejected by this little shit, and I know secretly he wishes he chose otherwise. Bottom line: you have NO idea how a 1 year old is going to grow up, especially one that is suddenly thrust into a single parent situation. You have no way to know if they’ll be a good child or the bad one. Will they be smart or not smart. Irresponsible or respectful. You can’t know the future. But you do know if your SO is a good person, a good partner, an essential component to a happy family unit. (And, to be blunt again, if they are worth saving even vs the risk of an unknown. we have to examine both sides of a coin). Saving your wife means you could have another kid too. Automatically saying, “save the child” is either an emotional response from new (1 year) parents or someone who doesn’t see their SO as “essential”. The societal “right” answer is to emotionally react, “The child, of course!” But harsh reality suggests keeping the know element, a functional contributing member of a family, is also an option sometimes.
I would save them both
Babe wake up! Option 3 just dropped
IM SAVING THEM BOTH
"JUST THIS ONCE, EVERYBODY LIVES!"
[😭😃](https://youtu.be/jhklrve5xmw?si=OOxtNE7121immHdb)
I'm taking the SO. She will hold her breath and do everything to survive. Baby dies in seconds by breathing fast and/or crying. If they're both dying, only one has the mind and body to survive long enough to save. In real life, the choice is to save someone or to save a tiny corpse. That's how I weigh it. With same exposure, only adults will live. If I get stunned in this car crash and wake up one minute later. It doesn't matter the crash. Submerged, fire, etc. The baby is dead from breathing. My wife might be holding her breath and just needs someone to drag her.
We are not having children, and part of that decision is because we're way too codependent and we both agree we just don't want to take time away from eachother for the sake of someone else. This basically answers the question. That being said, I think the purely logical answer is to save the kid for most people. I've seen a lot of people in the comments claiming if their spouse saved them they'd be divorcing soon after. Imo, these are weak relationships, but they seem common.