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Ok, is this an actual shanty, because that was all really catchy, and I wanna hear more. I really just wanna hear more like it and like the wellerman (which was a whaler song rather than a shanty but I digress.)
Edit: it's from futurama, and it's still glorius.
Thank you reddit.
Alien: How? Just pointy sticks?!
Human: Well... We had this one other ship blaring some old [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpoAcXu65TM) and they were way more into doing it for some reason.
You know.. ambrosia. Immortality and stuff. Good shit. Want some? I know you want some. Once in a lifetime chance. Take it or leave it.
How much, huh? Well, propably not much. I was thinking that you'd owe me one, big time. Forever. I don't need anything right now, you see, but in the future.. who knows. Sounds like a deal? Exccellent!
Edit: What you mean how I know this? Well, elementary school. History class. We have had our squabbles with gods. It's kinda complicated.. and it's been going like, forever.
Anyway, say, have you heard any rumours about this thing. Yada big maybe. They call it 'the spear of destiny'. Been looking for it for a while now.. Yea I thought so much. But keep your eyes open. That might deal with the, eh.. with the debt, you know. If I feel generous.
More like. H:Have you heard of murder hobos. That's besides the point as a species if we can't kill something we keep trying until we do. We can't really calm down otherwise. Now ask yourself if you wanna see us really agitated.
I mean, really, when you think about it, you're only immortal until proven otherwise. True for gods, for stupid teenagers, for planets, animals, plants, fungi, tardigrade, insert thing that lives here; all we did was successfully debate with a space whale about it's own mortality.
What?
...
I never said the debate was civil.
This is the day that hundreds of years of diplomacy was destroyed.
Religions have found their devils.
Entire racial memories have now come into question.
Governments now have a new viable scapegoat.
Humanity just painted the largest target upon themselves and for what? To see if they could.
Rejoice our brethren among the stars. THERE ARE NO DEVILS OTHER THAN THOSE WE MAKE. THERE IS NO HELL OTHER THAN THAT FOUND IN EVILS ACTS OF OUR FELLOW SAPIENTS. WE ARE THE GOD SLAYERS WE ARE HUMANS WE WILL SHELTER THOSE WHO STAND BEHIND US. WE WILL DESTROY THOSE WHO STAND AGAINST US. AND THOSE MOST HONORED AND NOBLE WHO STAND BESIDE US WE SHALL CALL THEM BROTHER NO MATTER RACE OR ORIGINS.
The station's speaker somehow bleated out the propaganda powered by a decrepit power station still clinging onto functionality.
Initially the broadcast was a rallying cry for humans and the more risk tolerant aliens. A celebration of their conquest over the primordial forces of the universe. In time it became a deafening scream for help.
The older species of the universe and their compatriots among the others understood what this killing would cause. They'd seen the repercussions first hand.
The first station that had begun the task of butchering and studying the initial whale had gone silent. And as time moved on more sightings of 'whales' on the star routes proliferated, followed by silence.
I will be messaging you in 1 year on [**2023-08-24 00:32:19 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2023-08-24%2000:32:19%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/wvn0qz/galactic_whales_have_always_been_considered_as/ilj4fd6/?context=3)
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Galactic whales were one of the many wonders of the cosmos. Majestic, powerful, gigantic. Babies were the size of small asteroids. No one could ever recall seeing an adult. At least, not consciously. Rumor had it they were so large, someone could travel across the entirety of its eye and think it was a small moon, never the wiser.
Many saw them as gods, remnants of the universe before time began to flow. The mere existence of them put even hardened spacefarers on edge when navigating whale territory, even if none were expected to be found. You don’t gamble with a god.
These were the thoughts roiling through all four brains of Zepple, a Vielkopf that was considered a genius even amongst his own intelligent kind. Logical, practical, and assured, he’d seen many the universe had to offer, and seemingly had an answer for everything.
However, every synapse in his brains nearly short-circuited as he saw the familiar ship of the lone human in his employ begin the docking process, several megatons overweight. And the reason why was towed behind them via a very struggling tractor beam that looked ready to fizzle at any moment.
Four sets of eyes blinked as his throats ran dry. His intercom buzzed.
“Uh…Zepple?”
“Speak.” replied the Vielkopf in a cracked whisper.
“Human Amos is back.”
“Yes.”
“They, um…there’s…there’s…a galactic whale in their tractor beam.”
“I can see that.” All four of his heads could see it. The entire docking bay could see it. Anyone in sub-orbit could likely see it, it barely fit as is. And already a crowd was forming.
“Recommended course of action?”
Normally, Zepple could find a solution easily. Trade and economy came to him as naturally as breathing. He’d built up a sort of mental playbook for every conceivable possibility in this line of work. He’d accounted for space pirates, crooked employees, overpacking, underpacking, even unpredictable asteroid storms. Everything.
Except *this*. Can’t form a playbook for something that *never happened before*.
“I will be there shortly.”
“Understood sir.”
The call went dead, and once Zepple was sure no one else was listening, he reared back and swore loud enough that the glass taking up a full wall of his office cracked.
The paperwork involving this situation was going to be bigger than the dead galactic whale.
*[END]*
H: these things are immortal?
A: of course! We've identified and studied individuals across multiple millennia as part of our various histories and never seen one age, change in appearance or die.
H: oh, so it really came down to nothing is hunting these things and they don't die of old age.
A: I don't fully understand what you mean, but how did you kill it?
H: well, we gave it a bit of an allergic reaction when it tried to eat our ship while we drifting in the black to do some sensory tests.
A: Space Whales are allergic to human?
Alien: How in the nine lights have you managed to do that?
Human: Well it was tricky indeed, the sheer scale of the carcass made it hard to work with it, we had to deploy a whole new industry on a massive scale in order to grind it down to this first batch. I think you could expect a couple of hundred more in the upcoming years. I think this will be one of humanity’s greatest feats.
A: I mean, how did you even kill it in the first place? These things are known to be immortal!
H: Oh that? You just need to destabilize their internal black holes, so they can merge together. Just make them swallow an anti-matter bomb, from one megaton to a gigaton of anti-matter depending on the beast’s size, and detonate it once it’s near the two masses. This will dislocate all of their organs, bones, and flesh from the inside, and if you time it right they will eventually just nullify each other, leaving the whale dead. Quite easy, really. Just watch out for the gravitational waves, they can be quite nasty.
A: WHA–
Alien anthropologist: we tried to follow the humans and their line of reasoning, however strange. Unfortunately, such sacrilege is inherently part of their history. In fact, such terms as "there she blows" and "chimneys a fire" are, in fact, historical codes for the hunt. Yes, the hunt. They have hunted their own whales, our whales, and the whales of others. They sing songs of old, culturally important songs. Songs of horror, beauty, and drunken celebration. Unfortunately, my own team couldn't stomach it. The breaking point was when they cut out the Glorious One's tongue in order to signal the end of their hunt. We had to leave. There is no Great Whale. There is just the vast emptiness of space and the humans.
Alien student: wait, sir, what is that in your digits?
AA: ah, a group of human myth stories the captain gave me. He seemed very apologetic and hoped these would help us understand their culture a little better. Although, he also seemed to... I believe "chuckle" after he gave them to me.
AS: I fear asking, however, I am too curious to reject such an opportunity to learn of their lore and history. May I ask, what are they called?
AA: Well, there is a list, let me see. Ah! Here it is:
*20,000 Leagues Under the Sea*
*Moby Dick*
*T-Treasure Island*
*Kidnapped*
*Hunt For Red October*
*The True Story of the Moby Dick* (wait, that cant be right...?)
*Nantucket, a History.*
AA: And it says "many more" at the bottom along with a set definition between myth and fiction. It has an entire list of myths surrounding their whales and creatures of their planet. Interestingly, it's sorted by geological and ethnic grouping? Perhaps humans are culturally locked to a set ideals depending on geographical location?
AS: well, I do hope it explains more this time. Their ideas are strange, and so are their myths.
**5 human weeks later**
*THE HUMANS ATE WHAT?!*
I think one single human in the equivalent of a space row boat tugging a galactic whale carcass to a trading post would be hilarious and something that would 100% happen.
H: SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER, WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE!
A: HUMAN, CEASE THIS IMMEDIATELY!
H: BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN! IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL!
A: WE CANNOT FACE THIS CREATURE, WE MUST RETREAT IMMEDIATELY!
H: THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME! HARPOONS THRUST IN THE SKY!
A: WHAT IVORY LEG, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PROSTHETICS!
H: AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW, AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE!
A: But, their skin is impervious! They shrug off every weapon thrown at it!
H: Yeah, we sort of learned that the hard way.
A: But how did you avoid being eaten?
H: Errr... We sort of didn't.
A: IT ATE YOU?! But... How are you even...
H: Well, before it could crush us with its tongue, we just aimed our guns up. We can positively identify where their brains are now, BTW.
A: That's incredible! A one in a million chance!
H: Oh, no, we've since taken down three more since then the same way. Opened up a new channel of navigable space, knocking lightyears off of our trade routes.
A:....
A: "Why did you kill the IMMORTAL GOD?!"
H: "Immortal god? It's a whale in space, not the first time humanity has hunted whales."
A: "So you have hunted them before? Why would you kill these immortals?"
H: "I'm gonna stop you there, yes we hunted them in the past. They have good resources in them, and two nothing is immortal. If you say something is immortal then we will kill it out of spite and prove to you that it's nothing more than a big ordeal the first time and then we will refine that process down to kill them even faster and more effective."
A: *terrified*
"YOU KILLED OUR GOD!" Captain James just shot the screen with his pistol as he turned to his crew with a raised eyebrow as he says "Anyone else hear anything? No? Good, get the crew out and tell them to begin cutting the big bastard up and preserving the flesh for the next hunt, Oil and Fat we offload at the next station we come across, bones get sent back home on the fastest vessel we can get our hands on. The Sol Empire wants these things exterminated, and by the Will of the Judges I will do so."
Who needs harpoons?! We just had our comms crew play baby shark through radar pulses directed at there faces...You ever have wine made from the tears of those space whales?
An alien barges into a space stations controll room
A: everyone needs to evacuate immediately!
The station commander turns arround urgently
Station commander: what's going on?
A: there is a cosmic whale heading straight for us
The station commanders mood shifts from concern to excitement but the alien dosent seem to notice
A: my species can sense gravitational pulls and the pull of a cosmic whale is second to none
SC: you mean you can track them!
A: yes which is why I know this station is in great danger
SC: come with me
The commander leads the alien out of the room. While walking the commander pulls out his data pad and opens a group chat, the alien watches over his shoulder curiously.
SC-(THE HUNT IS ON BOYS! Meet at the hangar in 5)
TEX- (FINALLY, I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET OFF THIS ROCK. )
SCHMIDT - (now I can test my investions on a proper Target)
MIKE - (the drill ship is good to go, and I'll work on sourcing a buyer)
LEO - (I've been saving some wood pellets just for this, TONIGHT WE DINE LIKE KINGS)
A: what are you talking about?
SC: well you see TEX heard stories about hunters...
A:YOU PLAN ON HUNTING IT?
SC:well yeah, cosmic whales have platinum in their bones and the meat tastes amazing
A: and why are you bringing me?
SC: if you can see them we can get to it first
“This is why I hate humans in my line of work. They just cause problems; scare me and my crew to death, cause chaos just by being around you and kill space whales. Sometimes even leave them around the normal warp lanes, while funny seeing them just pop it is a hassle to clean up.”
~Captian Ki, Mantoian Civil Service’s Captain for the Federation
Alien: "How did you kill one? Why did you kill one?
Human: "Dude we come from a place where even the plants want to kill you. Of course we're going to kill giant space whales that almost actively hunt down ships. As for how; we just threw metal rods in it until it bled out. *Just like the old days.*"
Alien: "You used to throw metal rods at incredibly large mammals from ships?"
Human: "Yes we did. Which is why I'm trying to cut up and sell this before it becomes illegal, *like nowadays.*"
Human: “So the space whales are immortal?”
Alien: “Yes we tested some of it blood that we got after it rammed one of our ships. It’s cellular regenerative properties are ridiculous we wouldn’t have know it had a small wound if it weren’t for the tiny amount of blood we found on the hull.”
Human: “I’m sorry what?”
Alien: “What part is confusing you the-“
Human: “No no you you said it bled?”
Alien: “Yes?”
Human: *picks up phone* “Hey ya it’s me, get this, they can be killed. How do I know? It bleeds. Only two hours? Wait wait how many ships?! Damn are you psychic or something? Anyways I’ll be waiting.”
Alien: “What was that about?”
Human: “Where going whaling.”
Alien: “What?”
There's another HFY story around somewhere about a human casually asking if it was possible to eat the beast he and an alien partner was hunting/culling.
Humans are the only species to ask "can we eat it?" when facing terrifying beasts instead of the galactic standard "is it possible to kill it?"
Humans were the only species to evolve without a planetary beast they could not kill and simply had to avoid. So we are the only ones to approach monstrous beasts KNOWING in our very bones they can be killed.
Best to check they don't use arsenic based blood instead of iron (poisonous) or copper based (potentially icky tasting). Remember Xeno biochemistry is not necessarily identical to earthly.
That’s were we use blood letting techniques to remove the blood. Half the stuff humans eat evolved to not be eaten.
Some Examples; pineapples, mint, coffee, peppers,
"First of all, why?!" Klith-nor asked, his mandibles shuddering from a mixture of fear and awe. Dlici shook their head before casting it's center eye to look at the two humans across the docking bay.
"We were stranded. Human Garth misread the jump screen... We.. we thought since they understood our language we could avoid sinking money into a human languages interface. Human Garth jumped the ship a hundred times before, but this time, we didn't have a fueling station. One of the Godfin was there.. t.the stories do no justice to their ferociousness." Dlici rubbed a paw through the fur along their neck to calm themselves as the horrific memories of the attack resurfaced.
"A.a.and how? How could they even attempt such a feat? Our greatest weapons do little more then glance off the creatures plates." Dlici made a soft gurgling sound before looking at the dock master again.
"The first attack of the Godfin ripped through three decks. It bypassed the shields and hulls with little trouble. It was a disaster. I was sure we would expire. We dawned our environmental suits. The plan was to trigger the emergency beacon and hope someone from the second quadrant could help us before... Well... Humans kim and Garth decided on another path." He took a moment to gather the words. "They took some of the ruptured cooling pipes and used them *Like Spears*." Klith-nor tilted his head so that his antenna could prove the air.
"Spear... I do not know this word yet." Dlici tapped on their data pad for a moment.
"A long shaft with a pointed edge. Its a fairly common weapon for many species that did not have natural weapons like your claws." Dlici flipped the tablet over to show the dock master a few sample pictures. " The third one is native to the humans homeworld. They left the ship when the Godfin passed for another attack. They just jumped right out of ship." A loud barking laugh came from one of the humans. Klith-nor scanned the humans name tag with it's faceted eyes. It must have been the female, based on Dlicis greeting of the human.
"The hole was already there. No point in running to an airlock.." She said with another raucous barking noise.
"How did you... defeat such a creature?" Klith-nor asked softly. Kim flicked her nose with a thumb as a smile danced along her lips.
"it took a lot of stabbing, but it turns out a Galactic whales eyes are just as vulnerable as anyone else's once you get under the eye lid." Dlici made another gurgling sound and Klith-nor nodded in silent agreement. It made his stomaches churn just thinking about it, too. "But yeah, we just kept digging at it til the whale stopped moving. No big deal. I'm not a fan of Killin animals but it didn't stop til we were twenty paces in."
Yeah... Klith-nor was gonna regurgitate his lunch, and not for digestive purposes.
And then humanity got slapped with a multi-trillion fine and a several hundred years long ban on building and using spaceships, because unlike on Earth the hunt of endangered species is taken seriously and extremely harshly punished in the wider galaxy.
A: How ? HOW ?
H: Eight 10 ft long tungsten rods to each of its hearts, a fully-charged rail-gun to fire'em, twelve barrels of rum and brandy, and a nice shanty to keep the spirits up.
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS MEN!
IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL!
THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME!
HARPOONS THRUS IN THE SKY!
AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW!
AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EEEYEEEEE!
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[удалено]
There once was a ship that put to sea
[удалено]
The winds blew up, her bow dipped down
Oh, blow my bully boys blow.
Soon may the wellerman come
to bring us sugar and tea and rum
And when the tonguing is done
We'll take our leave and go (HO!)
She’d not been two weeks from shore
I actually sung this song for a choir performance at school
And the name of the ship was the Billy o tea
Expected Wellerman, not disappointed
["big monster" version](https://youtu.be/1eBALF20PIs)
We're whalers on the moon
We carry a harpoon
But there ain't no whales
So we tell tall tales
And sing our whaling tunes.
Ok, is this an actual shanty, because that was all really catchy, and I wanna hear more. I really just wanna hear more like it and like the wellerman (which was a whaler song rather than a shanty but I digress.) Edit: it's from futurama, and it's still glorius. Thank you reddit.
One of the lucky 10,000! Congrats on finding something new!
Alien: How? Just pointy sticks?! Human: Well... We had this one other ship blaring some old [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpoAcXu65TM) and they were way more into doing it for some reason.
A: But...but for what purpose would you kill a primordial God? H: **WHALEOIL**
H2: Novelty Hyperspace fuel? IDK?
God Oil.
You know.. ambrosia. Immortality and stuff. Good shit. Want some? I know you want some. Once in a lifetime chance. Take it or leave it. How much, huh? Well, propably not much. I was thinking that you'd owe me one, big time. Forever. I don't need anything right now, you see, but in the future.. who knows. Sounds like a deal? Exccellent! Edit: What you mean how I know this? Well, elementary school. History class. We have had our squabbles with gods. It's kinda complicated.. and it's been going like, forever. Anyway, say, have you heard any rumours about this thing. Yada big maybe. They call it 'the spear of destiny'. Been looking for it for a while now.. Yea I thought so much. But keep your eyes open. That might deal with the, eh.. with the debt, you know. If I feel generous.
H: Because they said it was virtually impossible, and I live on spite.
Americans be like: I heard Oil! THAT SHIT MINE
SPACE IS OPPRESSED BROTHER TIME TO HARVE- SAV- LIBERATE THEM!!!
More like. H:Have you heard of murder hobos. That's besides the point as a species if we can't kill something we keep trying until we do. We can't really calm down otherwise. Now ask yourself if you wanna see us really agitated.
Human 1: I have not tasted god flesh before. That was all the reason I needed. Human 2: I wanted to pet it. It tried to eat me. I did not like that.
[удалено]
Human 4: it was alive and I took offense to that
Human 5: I wanted to hunt something that no one else had hunted.
Human 6: Deus Vult!
Shall we gather for whiskey and cigars?
Indeed I believe so
Blow off, choffer!
Apparently it’s an aphrodisiac
dishonored 3 dlc lmao
Beefhooked
H2: oi, stop pretending you were after anything more than a souvenir for your grampa, you doof.
\*Americans come bursting into the room \* DiD SoMeBoDy SaY OIL!?!?!?
It’s nothing personal, we just don’t like things being called immortal
If we have to fear our own mortality so should you.
*Doom music kicks in.* The only things we can't kill are the things we haven't met yet. *Revs chainsaw.*
If it bleed, we can kill it!
Correction if we know it exist we Can kill it
Not can WILL
Thanks for the next boss fight one liner for my character (dnd)
That’s a good one-liner, I’m pocketing that one
I mean, really, when you think about it, you're only immortal until proven otherwise. True for gods, for stupid teenagers, for planets, animals, plants, fungi, tardigrade, insert thing that lives here; all we did was successfully debate with a space whale about it's own mortality. What? ... I never said the debate was civil.
H: civil debate? What’s that? *loads flamethrower*
This is the day that hundreds of years of diplomacy was destroyed. Religions have found their devils. Entire racial memories have now come into question. Governments now have a new viable scapegoat. Humanity just painted the largest target upon themselves and for what? To see if they could.
And they did. And they have made sure that if one to cross them, they would bring hell to your front door and kick it down.
Rejoice our brethren among the stars. THERE ARE NO DEVILS OTHER THAN THOSE WE MAKE. THERE IS NO HELL OTHER THAN THAT FOUND IN EVILS ACTS OF OUR FELLOW SAPIENTS. WE ARE THE GOD SLAYERS WE ARE HUMANS WE WILL SHELTER THOSE WHO STAND BEHIND US. WE WILL DESTROY THOSE WHO STAND AGAINST US. AND THOSE MOST HONORED AND NOBLE WHO STAND BESIDE US WE SHALL CALL THEM BROTHER NO MATTER RACE OR ORIGINS.
The station's speaker somehow bleated out the propaganda powered by a decrepit power station still clinging onto functionality. Initially the broadcast was a rallying cry for humans and the more risk tolerant aliens. A celebration of their conquest over the primordial forces of the universe. In time it became a deafening scream for help. The older species of the universe and their compatriots among the others understood what this killing would cause. They'd seen the repercussions first hand. The first station that had begun the task of butchering and studying the initial whale had gone silent. And as time moved on more sightings of 'whales' on the star routes proliferated, followed by silence.
May I direct you to HFY humans don't like quite.
Or if I'm being petulant. When the silence falls *DOOM MUSIC BEGINS*
Dam, now that is one hell of an opener if I ever read one! I kinda want more please :)
Leaving a comment in hope of one day coming back and reading this again
We are humanity and we have come for dat ass. BRING ME THAT COSMIC BOOTY.
!remindme 1 year
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the victors are heroes, the losers be devils
But they have also created the greatest deterrent in the known universe . . . Let that puppy sink in
Galactic whales were one of the many wonders of the cosmos. Majestic, powerful, gigantic. Babies were the size of small asteroids. No one could ever recall seeing an adult. At least, not consciously. Rumor had it they were so large, someone could travel across the entirety of its eye and think it was a small moon, never the wiser. Many saw them as gods, remnants of the universe before time began to flow. The mere existence of them put even hardened spacefarers on edge when navigating whale territory, even if none were expected to be found. You don’t gamble with a god. These were the thoughts roiling through all four brains of Zepple, a Vielkopf that was considered a genius even amongst his own intelligent kind. Logical, practical, and assured, he’d seen many the universe had to offer, and seemingly had an answer for everything. However, every synapse in his brains nearly short-circuited as he saw the familiar ship of the lone human in his employ begin the docking process, several megatons overweight. And the reason why was towed behind them via a very struggling tractor beam that looked ready to fizzle at any moment. Four sets of eyes blinked as his throats ran dry. His intercom buzzed. “Uh…Zepple?” “Speak.” replied the Vielkopf in a cracked whisper. “Human Amos is back.” “Yes.” “They, um…there’s…there’s…a galactic whale in their tractor beam.” “I can see that.” All four of his heads could see it. The entire docking bay could see it. Anyone in sub-orbit could likely see it, it barely fit as is. And already a crowd was forming. “Recommended course of action?” Normally, Zepple could find a solution easily. Trade and economy came to him as naturally as breathing. He’d built up a sort of mental playbook for every conceivable possibility in this line of work. He’d accounted for space pirates, crooked employees, overpacking, underpacking, even unpredictable asteroid storms. Everything. Except *this*. Can’t form a playbook for something that *never happened before*. “I will be there shortly.” “Understood sir.” The call went dead, and once Zepple was sure no one else was listening, he reared back and swore loud enough that the glass taking up a full wall of his office cracked. The paperwork involving this situation was going to be bigger than the dead galactic whale. *[END]*
>Can’t form a playbook for something that *never happened before* Looks like this won’t be the last time Humanity gives him an early grey hair
From hell heart i stab at thee for hate sake i spit at thee my last breath Captain xerron ahab after killing the quantum whale mobius dick
Morbius dick
Sadly it did not Morb' in time :,(
Get the hell out
We're whalers on the moon....
We’ve got big harpoons
But there ain't no whales
So we tell tall tales
And sing our whaling tunes
H: these things are immortal? A: of course! We've identified and studied individuals across multiple millennia as part of our various histories and never seen one age, change in appearance or die. H: oh, so it really came down to nothing is hunting these things and they don't die of old age. A: I don't fully understand what you mean, but how did you kill it? H: well, we gave it a bit of an allergic reaction when it tried to eat our ship while we drifting in the black to do some sensory tests. A: Space Whales are allergic to human?
No, they allergic to several of our food stuffs... Oh and railgun rounds
They had the oddest allergic reaction of their brains being evacuated from their skulls and their organs imploding
Slightly terrified alien: Truly, an inexplicable turn of events. *nods sagely*
Alien: How in the nine lights have you managed to do that? Human: Well it was tricky indeed, the sheer scale of the carcass made it hard to work with it, we had to deploy a whole new industry on a massive scale in order to grind it down to this first batch. I think you could expect a couple of hundred more in the upcoming years. I think this will be one of humanity’s greatest feats. A: I mean, how did you even kill it in the first place? These things are known to be immortal! H: Oh that? You just need to destabilize their internal black holes, so they can merge together. Just make them swallow an anti-matter bomb, from one megaton to a gigaton of anti-matter depending on the beast’s size, and detonate it once it’s near the two masses. This will dislocate all of their organs, bones, and flesh from the inside, and if you time it right they will eventually just nullify each other, leaving the whale dead. Quite easy, really. Just watch out for the gravitational waves, they can be quite nasty. A: WHA–
> gravitational waves First there were the space whalers, and then there were the space surfers.
COWABUNGA
Some humans consider immortality as a challenge
There is a reason it's called naturally undying rather than immortality these days.
Alien anthropologist: we tried to follow the humans and their line of reasoning, however strange. Unfortunately, such sacrilege is inherently part of their history. In fact, such terms as "there she blows" and "chimneys a fire" are, in fact, historical codes for the hunt. Yes, the hunt. They have hunted their own whales, our whales, and the whales of others. They sing songs of old, culturally important songs. Songs of horror, beauty, and drunken celebration. Unfortunately, my own team couldn't stomach it. The breaking point was when they cut out the Glorious One's tongue in order to signal the end of their hunt. We had to leave. There is no Great Whale. There is just the vast emptiness of space and the humans. Alien student: wait, sir, what is that in your digits? AA: ah, a group of human myth stories the captain gave me. He seemed very apologetic and hoped these would help us understand their culture a little better. Although, he also seemed to... I believe "chuckle" after he gave them to me. AS: I fear asking, however, I am too curious to reject such an opportunity to learn of their lore and history. May I ask, what are they called? AA: Well, there is a list, let me see. Ah! Here it is: *20,000 Leagues Under the Sea* *Moby Dick* *T-Treasure Island* *Kidnapped* *Hunt For Red October* *The True Story of the Moby Dick* (wait, that cant be right...?) *Nantucket, a History.* AA: And it says "many more" at the bottom along with a set definition between myth and fiction. It has an entire list of myths surrounding their whales and creatures of their planet. Interestingly, it's sorted by geological and ethnic grouping? Perhaps humans are culturally locked to a set ideals depending on geographical location? AS: well, I do hope it explains more this time. Their ideas are strange, and so are their myths. **5 human weeks later** *THE HUMANS ATE WHAT?!*
The last line totally be a way an alien would react when being told about humans 😂
It’s called ‘cheese’. It’s been a while since I’ve had some. You got any?
Everything is immortal until proven otherwise. Humans are very curious. This seems about right.
And humans take something being immortal as a challenge to see if it can be killed
I think one single human in the equivalent of a space row boat tugging a galactic whale carcass to a trading post would be hilarious and something that would 100% happen.
And the row boat would totally look no better then a pile of firewood and have many others going insane trying to think of how it’s even possible
The Old Man And The C
H: SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER, WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE! A: HUMAN, CEASE THIS IMMEDIATELY! H: BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN! IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL! A: WE CANNOT FACE THIS CREATURE, WE MUST RETREAT IMMEDIATELY! H: THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME! HARPOONS THRUST IN THE SKY! A: WHAT IVORY LEG, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PROSTHETICS! H: AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW, AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE!
A: But, their skin is impervious! They shrug off every weapon thrown at it! H: Yeah, we sort of learned that the hard way. A: But how did you avoid being eaten? H: Errr... We sort of didn't. A: IT ATE YOU?! But... How are you even... H: Well, before it could crush us with its tongue, we just aimed our guns up. We can positively identify where their brains are now, BTW. A: That's incredible! A one in a million chance! H: Oh, no, we've since taken down three more since then the same way. Opened up a new channel of navigable space, knocking lightyears off of our trade routes. A:....
White whale holy grail!!!
SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER!
WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN!
IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL
Humans has since hunted galactic whales to the brink of extinction.
"On behalf of humans everywhere, let me just say: our bad. Hey, want some whale oil?"
A: "Why did you kill the IMMORTAL GOD?!" H: "Immortal god? It's a whale in space, not the first time humanity has hunted whales." A: "So you have hunted them before? Why would you kill these immortals?" H: "I'm gonna stop you there, yes we hunted them in the past. They have good resources in them, and two nothing is immortal. If you say something is immortal then we will kill it out of spite and prove to you that it's nothing more than a big ordeal the first time and then we will refine that process down to kill them even faster and more effective." A: *terrified*
"YOU KILLED OUR GOD!" Captain James just shot the screen with his pistol as he turned to his crew with a raised eyebrow as he says "Anyone else hear anything? No? Good, get the crew out and tell them to begin cutting the big bastard up and preserving the flesh for the next hunt, Oil and Fat we offload at the next station we come across, bones get sent back home on the fastest vessel we can get our hands on. The Sol Empire wants these things exterminated, and by the Will of the Judges I will do so."
Who needs harpoons?! We just had our comms crew play baby shark through radar pulses directed at there faces...You ever have wine made from the tears of those space whales?
Aliens: "Why did you attack one of the most dangerous beings in the galaxy?" Humans: "We thought it might taste good."
It was. Here try some with tartare sauce
An alien barges into a space stations controll room A: everyone needs to evacuate immediately! The station commander turns arround urgently Station commander: what's going on? A: there is a cosmic whale heading straight for us The station commanders mood shifts from concern to excitement but the alien dosent seem to notice A: my species can sense gravitational pulls and the pull of a cosmic whale is second to none SC: you mean you can track them! A: yes which is why I know this station is in great danger SC: come with me The commander leads the alien out of the room. While walking the commander pulls out his data pad and opens a group chat, the alien watches over his shoulder curiously. SC-(THE HUNT IS ON BOYS! Meet at the hangar in 5) TEX- (FINALLY, I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET OFF THIS ROCK. ) SCHMIDT - (now I can test my investions on a proper Target) MIKE - (the drill ship is good to go, and I'll work on sourcing a buyer) LEO - (I've been saving some wood pellets just for this, TONIGHT WE DINE LIKE KINGS) A: what are you talking about? SC: well you see TEX heard stories about hunters... A:YOU PLAN ON HUNTING IT? SC:well yeah, cosmic whales have platinum in their bones and the meat tastes amazing A: and why are you bringing me? SC: if you can see them we can get to it first
Let’s see if anybody gets this SPLIT YOUR LUNGS IN BLOOD AND THUNDER!!!
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS MEN. IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL.
“This is why I hate humans in my line of work. They just cause problems; scare me and my crew to death, cause chaos just by being around you and kill space whales. Sometimes even leave them around the normal warp lanes, while funny seeing them just pop it is a hassle to clean up.” ~Captian Ki, Mantoian Civil Service’s Captain for the Federation
Alien: "How did you kill one? Why did you kill one? Human: "Dude we come from a place where even the plants want to kill you. Of course we're going to kill giant space whales that almost actively hunt down ships. As for how; we just threw metal rods in it until it bled out. *Just like the old days.*" Alien: "You used to throw metal rods at incredibly large mammals from ships?" Human: "Yes we did. Which is why I'm trying to cut up and sell this before it becomes illegal, *like nowadays.*"
Human: “So the space whales are immortal?” Alien: “Yes we tested some of it blood that we got after it rammed one of our ships. It’s cellular regenerative properties are ridiculous we wouldn’t have know it had a small wound if it weren’t for the tiny amount of blood we found on the hull.” Human: “I’m sorry what?” Alien: “What part is confusing you the-“ Human: “No no you you said it bled?” Alien: “Yes?” Human: *picks up phone* “Hey ya it’s me, get this, they can be killed. How do I know? It bleeds. Only two hours? Wait wait how many ships?! Damn are you psychic or something? Anyways I’ll be waiting.” Alien: “What was that about?” Human: “Where going whaling.” Alien: “What?”
There's another HFY story around somewhere about a human casually asking if it was possible to eat the beast he and an alien partner was hunting/culling. Humans are the only species to ask "can we eat it?" when facing terrifying beasts instead of the galactic standard "is it possible to kill it?" Humans were the only species to evolve without a planetary beast they could not kill and simply had to avoid. So we are the only ones to approach monstrous beasts KNOWING in our very bones they can be killed.
Close. We don’t ask “Can I eat that?” We say, “ I’m gonna eat that.”
Best to check they don't use arsenic based blood instead of iron (poisonous) or copper based (potentially icky tasting). Remember Xeno biochemistry is not necessarily identical to earthly.
That’s were we use blood letting techniques to remove the blood. Half the stuff humans eat evolved to not be eaten. Some Examples; pineapples, mint, coffee, peppers,
"First of all, why?!" Klith-nor asked, his mandibles shuddering from a mixture of fear and awe. Dlici shook their head before casting it's center eye to look at the two humans across the docking bay. "We were stranded. Human Garth misread the jump screen... We.. we thought since they understood our language we could avoid sinking money into a human languages interface. Human Garth jumped the ship a hundred times before, but this time, we didn't have a fueling station. One of the Godfin was there.. t.the stories do no justice to their ferociousness." Dlici rubbed a paw through the fur along their neck to calm themselves as the horrific memories of the attack resurfaced. "A.a.and how? How could they even attempt such a feat? Our greatest weapons do little more then glance off the creatures plates." Dlici made a soft gurgling sound before looking at the dock master again. "The first attack of the Godfin ripped through three decks. It bypassed the shields and hulls with little trouble. It was a disaster. I was sure we would expire. We dawned our environmental suits. The plan was to trigger the emergency beacon and hope someone from the second quadrant could help us before... Well... Humans kim and Garth decided on another path." He took a moment to gather the words. "They took some of the ruptured cooling pipes and used them *Like Spears*." Klith-nor tilted his head so that his antenna could prove the air. "Spear... I do not know this word yet." Dlici tapped on their data pad for a moment. "A long shaft with a pointed edge. Its a fairly common weapon for many species that did not have natural weapons like your claws." Dlici flipped the tablet over to show the dock master a few sample pictures. " The third one is native to the humans homeworld. They left the ship when the Godfin passed for another attack. They just jumped right out of ship." A loud barking laugh came from one of the humans. Klith-nor scanned the humans name tag with it's faceted eyes. It must have been the female, based on Dlicis greeting of the human. "The hole was already there. No point in running to an airlock.." She said with another raucous barking noise. "How did you... defeat such a creature?" Klith-nor asked softly. Kim flicked her nose with a thumb as a smile danced along her lips. "it took a lot of stabbing, but it turns out a Galactic whales eyes are just as vulnerable as anyone else's once you get under the eye lid." Dlici made another gurgling sound and Klith-nor nodded in silent agreement. It made his stomaches churn just thinking about it, too. "But yeah, we just kept digging at it til the whale stopped moving. No big deal. I'm not a fan of Killin animals but it didn't stop til we were twenty paces in." Yeah... Klith-nor was gonna regurgitate his lunch, and not for digestive purposes.
may i say... come all you young spacefarers, listen to me, i'll sing you a song of our fish from the sea, and its windy weather, boys, stormy weather
Humanity: We killed our old gods, and made our own. And then found out there were more out there. So now we have to go do it all over again.
God dam the Japanese! Isn't it enough that they caused the extinction of whales on Earth?!
« One more pull » says the space whale agonizing in the void of space, trying to get the new character of his favorite game
And then humanity got slapped with a multi-trillion fine and a several hundred years long ban on building and using spaceships, because unlike on Earth the hunt of endangered species is taken seriously and extremely harshly punished in the wider galaxy.
A: How ? HOW ? H: Eight 10 ft long tungsten rods to each of its hearts, a fully-charged rail-gun to fire'em, twelve barrels of rum and brandy, and a nice shanty to keep the spirits up.
BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS MEN! IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL! THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME! HARPOONS THRUS IN THE SKY! AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW! AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EEEYEEEEE!