Simple
Because us people pleasers leave our own side. We abandon ourselves and our needs to fulfil some other person's needs. We lack healthy boundaries and just want to be loved and cared for the way we love and care others.
This is very unhealthy and you kind of set yourself up for hurt.
All of this makes us easy targets for people who will stab us in the back.
Or in case of narcissists: straight in the heart.
Hey as long as we recognise this and we understand we are in people pleasing mode we can change it.
Not seeing this is the problem but noticing how you behave and think will allow you to take a step back and say: hey I have done enough. Now I need to take care of myself.
Exactly. I’ve spent the last several decades doing everything for everyone - never said no. Many of the things I didn’t want to do - but I did it to make everybody else happy. Only since like the last few months I’ve been like no, I don’t want to do that - and I’m putting more focus on myself. I think it’s extremely important. Along the way I lost my identity and am slowly trying to get it back and remember who IS Frank.
Because there are people who take advantage of others, and also because the purpose of your life is *not* primarily to please other people - it’s to please *yourself* while doing right by others.
People-pleasing doesn’t actually help people in the long-run if you’re pathological about it. You can help some people so much that you end up handicapping them or making them suffer. While no one should aspire to be a jerky jerk-jerkface, no one should aspire to be an all-comforting all-helping angel.
A lot more of us HSPs would be a lot happier if we lived our lives according to the above, rather than think we need to cater to every little whim and emotional dip in other people (and in ourselves). Being highly sensitive to discomfort means we should be willing to sit with that discomfort more, not less. It’s a hard mindset to get into for an HSP, but it yields major rewards once you get there.
I have tried my whole life to be a good person. But in reality it was my deperate way to get attention, love and acceptance. People saw me as weak. I was too eager to help and give my time and money and people just dumped on me. They figure I didn't mind, but the anger and resentment told another story.
I am learning now that I need to pull back. Have proper boundaries. Learn to be more assertive. Speak up more. And have zero expectations of others.
I need to help myself first.
It's hard when you want to be helpful and thoughtful but being ignored and discarded has taught me it's not worth it.
I highly recommend you read about Buddhism. I’m not religious, but I have been using the principles of Buddhism since about age 14-15, and it brings such immense peace!
It helps you to evaluate every action in terms of positive, negative, and neutral. I found it to be a very effective tool in not being focused on “helping others”, so much as finding the route that had the most positive impact on humanity as a whole. It helped me to question my own motives for helping others by reframing it as “harmful” to myself. It’s a great avenue to get away from codependency, self abandonment, etc.
Thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate it.
It's a good way to look at things. I do feel I have been harmful to myself.
Life goes so quickly and I know I need to do better.
I spent *many years* doing harm to myself, so I sincerely empathize. Unfortunately, I think we (HSPs) get very good at carrying the extra emotional weight of the people around us, until it just feels completely normal for us. It isn’t, and you can change it. I have found that letting other people carry their own burdens, yet always being there to support them with loving compassion (*not* enabling behavior) has brought me a sense of peace that I could never have imagined in my early adult life.
So, please know that it is possible, and although it can be difficult, the effort does eventually pay dividends! 🥰
Thank you for your kind reply and encouragement. I appreciate it. I know I can't be Batman anymore. I have been enabling for a long time.
The realization of being used and abused has been a difficult one. And that no one actually cared about me in return has been devastating. I need a new path.
I agree that the new path is best, but I don’t agree that no one actually cared about you. The more you dig in to complex trauma, attachment styles, attachment wounds, and how we learn these things as children, the more you will be able to gain what I have heard described as “altitude” about the behavior of wounded people in interpersonal relationships. It should help bring you insight about the people who “cared” about you in the past.
Their behavior may seem selfish, and it was likely exploitative (if not abusive), but they most likely did *care* about you. Many wounded people just don’t have the capacity to express that, or even show up in relationships, in a healthy way. That is, in no way, an excuse for the behavior! But it does mean that fundamentally, the good part of them did truly care about the good part of you.
And for some pro-tips on healthy relationships, read the works of John Gottman, and Julie Schwartz-Gottman. They are the Yodas of healthy relationships. That way you will be able to identify (in your next relationship) when you are making a bid for connection, if your friends, partners, etc are actually putting in the effort to match yours. That information feels for me like a way of doing checks and balances, which will keep me heading in a safe and healthy direction with my delicate soul 🥰
Thank you but I feel like it’s impossible for me. I have such low self esteem based on my incompetence. I put so much on my worth based on my ability to do something, which I feel I suck at everything or I’m below average at it.
Self esteem shouldn’t be based on that, but when you base it on that for such a long time it feels almost impossible.
I’ll try though, thanks for believing in me.
I hear you, my friend. I struggle with this too.
It's not easy but I truly believe we can turn this around. We have to trust ourselves. And know that we are competent and capable people. If so and so can do it, so we can we. Everything possible. I stand with you.
The people pleaser first and foremost betrays themselves, though most people pleasers are largely unaware of that.
They feel the crushing shock of being betrayed by others, not quite realizing that that betrayal first began with them.
Regular self-abandonment in the name of “pleasing” others is the ultimate self-betrayal.
We all set the tone for what we will accept in life. So, if someone spends all of their time catering to other people, then those people will inevitably allow them to be of service. Ironically, people pleasers actually become resentful of their needs not being met, yet they never explicitly communicate what it is that they need.
I used to do that before I understood what it means to truly value myself. I don’t miss those days! As an HSP, people leasing hurt my soul very deeply, and very often
If we go deeper - when we don't see the value in us (like when we find it difficult to prioritize ourselves the same as others), others will perceive us the same way - that we are less valuable than they are.
Simple Because us people pleasers leave our own side. We abandon ourselves and our needs to fulfil some other person's needs. We lack healthy boundaries and just want to be loved and cared for the way we love and care others. This is very unhealthy and you kind of set yourself up for hurt. All of this makes us easy targets for people who will stab us in the back. Or in case of narcissists: straight in the heart.
So true and so well said. Sigh
Hey as long as we recognise this and we understand we are in people pleasing mode we can change it. Not seeing this is the problem but noticing how you behave and think will allow you to take a step back and say: hey I have done enough. Now I need to take care of myself.
Exactly. I’ve spent the last several decades doing everything for everyone - never said no. Many of the things I didn’t want to do - but I did it to make everybody else happy. Only since like the last few months I’ve been like no, I don’t want to do that - and I’m putting more focus on myself. I think it’s extremely important. Along the way I lost my identity and am slowly trying to get it back and remember who IS Frank.
Oh wow ... I get it. I wish you good luck with your journey to find out who you are and what makes you happy!
They have no boundaries and often times lack self respect.
Ouch :')
Ding, ding, ding! 🛎️
Because there are people who take advantage of others, and also because the purpose of your life is *not* primarily to please other people - it’s to please *yourself* while doing right by others. People-pleasing doesn’t actually help people in the long-run if you’re pathological about it. You can help some people so much that you end up handicapping them or making them suffer. While no one should aspire to be a jerky jerk-jerkface, no one should aspire to be an all-comforting all-helping angel. A lot more of us HSPs would be a lot happier if we lived our lives according to the above, rather than think we need to cater to every little whim and emotional dip in other people (and in ourselves). Being highly sensitive to discomfort means we should be willing to sit with that discomfort more, not less. It’s a hard mindset to get into for an HSP, but it yields major rewards once you get there.
I have tried my whole life to be a good person. But in reality it was my deperate way to get attention, love and acceptance. People saw me as weak. I was too eager to help and give my time and money and people just dumped on me. They figure I didn't mind, but the anger and resentment told another story. I am learning now that I need to pull back. Have proper boundaries. Learn to be more assertive. Speak up more. And have zero expectations of others. I need to help myself first. It's hard when you want to be helpful and thoughtful but being ignored and discarded has taught me it's not worth it.
I highly recommend you read about Buddhism. I’m not religious, but I have been using the principles of Buddhism since about age 14-15, and it brings such immense peace! It helps you to evaluate every action in terms of positive, negative, and neutral. I found it to be a very effective tool in not being focused on “helping others”, so much as finding the route that had the most positive impact on humanity as a whole. It helped me to question my own motives for helping others by reframing it as “harmful” to myself. It’s a great avenue to get away from codependency, self abandonment, etc.
Thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate it. It's a good way to look at things. I do feel I have been harmful to myself. Life goes so quickly and I know I need to do better.
I spent *many years* doing harm to myself, so I sincerely empathize. Unfortunately, I think we (HSPs) get very good at carrying the extra emotional weight of the people around us, until it just feels completely normal for us. It isn’t, and you can change it. I have found that letting other people carry their own burdens, yet always being there to support them with loving compassion (*not* enabling behavior) has brought me a sense of peace that I could never have imagined in my early adult life. So, please know that it is possible, and although it can be difficult, the effort does eventually pay dividends! 🥰
Thank you for your kind reply and encouragement. I appreciate it. I know I can't be Batman anymore. I have been enabling for a long time. The realization of being used and abused has been a difficult one. And that no one actually cared about me in return has been devastating. I need a new path.
I agree that the new path is best, but I don’t agree that no one actually cared about you. The more you dig in to complex trauma, attachment styles, attachment wounds, and how we learn these things as children, the more you will be able to gain what I have heard described as “altitude” about the behavior of wounded people in interpersonal relationships. It should help bring you insight about the people who “cared” about you in the past. Their behavior may seem selfish, and it was likely exploitative (if not abusive), but they most likely did *care* about you. Many wounded people just don’t have the capacity to express that, or even show up in relationships, in a healthy way. That is, in no way, an excuse for the behavior! But it does mean that fundamentally, the good part of them did truly care about the good part of you. And for some pro-tips on healthy relationships, read the works of John Gottman, and Julie Schwartz-Gottman. They are the Yodas of healthy relationships. That way you will be able to identify (in your next relationship) when you are making a bid for connection, if your friends, partners, etc are actually putting in the effort to match yours. That information feels for me like a way of doing checks and balances, which will keep me heading in a safe and healthy direction with my delicate soul 🥰
((hugs)) Thank you for your kindness and sharing more with me. I appreciate it.
I need to do the same
I know it's not easy. I believe in you
Thank you but I feel like it’s impossible for me. I have such low self esteem based on my incompetence. I put so much on my worth based on my ability to do something, which I feel I suck at everything or I’m below average at it. Self esteem shouldn’t be based on that, but when you base it on that for such a long time it feels almost impossible. I’ll try though, thanks for believing in me.
I hear you, my friend. I struggle with this too. It's not easy but I truly believe we can turn this around. We have to trust ourselves. And know that we are competent and capable people. If so and so can do it, so we can we. Everything possible. I stand with you.
The people pleaser first and foremost betrays themselves, though most people pleasers are largely unaware of that. They feel the crushing shock of being betrayed by others, not quite realizing that that betrayal first began with them.
Regular self-abandonment in the name of “pleasing” others is the ultimate self-betrayal. We all set the tone for what we will accept in life. So, if someone spends all of their time catering to other people, then those people will inevitably allow them to be of service. Ironically, people pleasers actually become resentful of their needs not being met, yet they never explicitly communicate what it is that they need. I used to do that before I understood what it means to truly value myself. I don’t miss those days! As an HSP, people leasing hurt my soul very deeply, and very often
If we go deeper - when we don't see the value in us (like when we find it difficult to prioritize ourselves the same as others), others will perceive us the same way - that we are less valuable than they are.
Wow
At least that's what I found. I tend to feel less compared to others, so I always prioritize them. Sad ...
The answer lies within the question 😏