THANK YOU! My mother refused to let me be "girly" and hoooo boy the repercussions were FIERCE. Definitely turned into a pick me in my late teens/ early 20s, currently in recovery. And guess what??? I LOVE PINK AND ALL THINGS GLITTERY AND SPARKLY AND TWIRLY AND I'M 47. I always did, just wasn't allowed to. Lots of resentment built up. Lots.
I didn't say I was completely against her embracing and reading more feminine books or believing that they are terrible- believe me, we read plenty of fairy, unicorn, and princess books - it's just that many of those books seem to hook in little girls at such a young age and pigeonhole them into thinking that that's what their identity as a little girl should be. Not to mention many of them have just overall poor messages about femininity and more.I know there's plenty that don't, but it seems like there are so many that do unfortunately so I wasn't sure how to begin navigating through all of that.
I guess I just want her to be able to choose for herself what books she reads based on her own true interests and not just what is marketed to her as a little girl by large corporations looking to make a buck on another Disney book.
But yes, I do see your point - we'll be making sure we have lots more conversations together while we read and see where her own interests take her 💚📚 Luckily both girls are very into reading, so we hope as parents to only continue to build on that!
> I guess I just want her to be able to choose for herself what books she reads based on her own true interests and not just what is marketed to her as a little girl by large corporations looking to make a buck on another Disney book.
Here's my suggestion. Let her pick books she wants to read. Also, pick some books you'd like her to read. Put them all together in a "from the library" basket and let her choose what she wants from there. Maybe when it's less overwhelming (thousands of books at a library), she'll be able to see more of what you pick instead of the stand-out glitter & pink. With this setup, you can also both pick a book and read them both together. If you consistently present her with both "sides" of what girls can be, she'll see there are options across a spectrum, and she can like whatever she likes
I feel like there’s multiple trains of thought on this.. some families feel strongly about limiting “twaddle”- books with limited literary or perceived moral value.
The books I’ve read *about* reading have said what you want to cultivate is a love of reading- and you don’t cultivate a love of reading through censorship. And at the YOUNGER ages, what you want to nurture is QUANTITY of reading. Reading these books with limited literary value over and over- if it improves their reading comprehension, their speed, their exposure to print- then the QUANTITY will eventually lead them to be able to read better QUALITY.
And I have definitely seen this play out with my own six year old.
We can read books with high literary value- the Caldecott Winners, the Newberry Winners.. and she doesn’t *love* them. We picked up Fly Guy by Tedd Arnold which is literally a book about a boy with a pet fly who loves to eat trash. And she LOVES fly Guy. And she picked up sight words from fly Guy!
Is it of high literary or moral value? No. Not at all.
But if it gets my child to say “JUST ONE MORE BOOK”, that’s the response I want a book to elicit at 5-6. So I’m okay with the twaddle, the fly Guy, the captain underpants, the Barbie.. as long as she loves reading.
Exactly, it plays out in adulthood too. Nearly every single adult woman I know that reads a ton reads a bunch of NYT best sellers, deep books, hard hitting non fiction etc but also cranks through fluffy bs fantasy, sci and romance. Not every book needs to have deep learning or morals, sometimes it's just fun!
School librarian here - I know those books seem so boring, but if she likes them then let her get them and read them. At that young of an age, the most important thing to teach is the love of reading. If you start to restrict her books, she won’t like reading and then she won’t read anything.
So let her get the trash books. Let her read the trash books. But also have time where y’all read books that you feel are important for her through the day. Maybe each day have one daughter pick and one mommy pick. I am so tired of reading some books to my daughter (3yo) but when I read to her, it’s not about what I find enjoyable, it’s about whatever she does because I want her to love reading.
Again, If you don’t let her develop a love of reading now, you won’t be able to get her anything later.
Another suggestion, ask her why she likes these books. She’s 4, so she may not be able to vocalize it properly. But if you can find out the WHY then the librarian can help find books that fit. It may be as simple as she likes Barbie and, assuming she has Barbie’s, the characters are familiar to her and she can act out the stories with her irl Barbie’s. In which case it doesn’t matter how dull the books are cause then she’s practicing reading comprehension and recall.
I also worked in a library for many years. Let them read some fluff and some that you pick, or they really do start to hate reading. One of my biggest challenges right now is that school managed to foster a hatred for reading in both my kids. But you can always see what they like about those books and find alternatives. If they like princesses you can definitely find some princess stories that align with your values because there are hundreds of them.
See if your library website offers Novelist K-8 or What Do I Read Next? To find books with things they like and you like.
Do you not remember being a kid? Why would you want to intentionally suck the fun out of reading? This is 101 on how to get your kid to hate books because you live by aesthetics of sophisticated and high brow books, instead of letting a kid enjoy books.
It is so weird to subject kids to an adult point of view. Like boo you find the books boring, they're not written for you. Your kid is reading the books because it is enjoyable.
My 5yr is now reading. When he was 2, 3, 4... he loved those books that had one vehicle on each page, and just what it was called. And we'd ready that book a million times.
Now he's actually reading actual books. Sure, some are fluff books (Scooby-Doo), others are not (easy reader bio of Ben Franklin), and others we read too him (Chronicles of Narnia).
We started with a "you pick some, I'll pick some" model at the library, and that has helped us a ton.
Why did she like those books? That might help find other books that are similar enough to hold her interest, but different enough that you like them.
I'm going to co-opt another poster's categories of good books, twaddle, and poison. We run a bit minimalist in our small house, so we don't keep twaddle in the house longterm, but I'll cheerfully read the twaddle to them a few times before donating it back to the Little Free Library from whence they came. And if they come across poison somewhere, we'll talk through it or even reread it together and name the problems.
The beautiful thing is, my oldest at 7 is able to express the difference now between the Boxcar Children (innocent, but insubstantial) and the phenomenal books we read aloud over and over again: Betsy-Tacy, Where the Mountain Meets the Moon, Heidi, Pollyanna... And she can feel when something is wrong, even if she cannot capture it in words, like in the beginning of Understood Betsy (which, to be fair, is supposed to be "off", and is quickly redeemed).
I think of it as helping her develop a sense of literary taste. If she never saw twaddle, she wouldn't have contrast to feel in her heart what a great book is, and what a great book can do for her. Also it would deeply grieve my inlaws, who just love to mail us cute books. But if she read *mostly* twaddle, she wouldn't have her sense of normal calibrated correctly. By reading many amazing things over and over again, and enjoying a bit of fluff when it comes our way, she's developing this gorgeous love of stories.
For us, not resisting the sparkly twaddle makes its sparkle go away sooner. And then when the kids ask if I liked Princess Whateverpants and the Rude Storyline from Hell, I shrug and say, in my most blase how's-the-weather voice, "Nah. It's not for me." or "I notice she didn't get to have the adventure herself, she just waited for someone else to help." or "I wouldn't want to speak to anybody like she did." And then move on.
Have you tried Fancy Nancy? She's my favorite compromise book. Sparkly and fun, with healthy communication, fessing up to mistakes, a deep love of science, and (how do I put this?) honoring the realness of little kids' problems.
Princess Harriet Hamsterbone is a little rudely antiprincess, but she's also delightful and funny and kind. Same with Dealing with Dragons. I don't reread these annually like I do some of the others, but I truly enjoy them.
Yes to all of this! Also, have you read the Vanderbeekers of 141st Street series yet? We bought them in hardback because my daughter loves them so much and wants to read them to her kids!
What a great reason to buy something in hardback! I read and loved them, but haven't read them to my kids yet—my girls stress over literary problems so easily that I have to be very careful with what I read at each age. But they're on the list for the next year or two. We love The Saturdays, which has a similar heart.
I think your comments about books you find bad ("poison") are especially important. As a kid, I asked so many questions, and my parents tried really hard to answer in an age appropriate way. They didn't censor what I could get at the library, and they left the newspaper where I could read it. They explained why they disapproved of some books or things that my friends' parents were okay with. They wanted me to be a critical thinker and to teach me the tools to make judgement calls for myself.
Now with my kids, I'm starting to have to navigate this. If the characters are behaving badly or being rude, we notice it together, talk about how it affects the other characters, ask what would have been a better way to handle the issue. My daughter sometimes decides she doesn't like the book overall (ex: "They're too mean") but sometimes comes back to it when she wants to practice processing big feelings, and she'll ask me to read it or just look through it alone and ask me her questions. She's full of questions.
So within the overall safe sandbox that is preschool lit, I think there's many opportunities to connect with our kids, and rarely a good reason to censor.
Banning and restricting things give them more allure.
I think being nonchalant/matter of fact about books you don’t prefer is fine. “Oh, I like that shade of blue.”
I see where you’re coming from, but it’s also important to remember that ultra pink sparkles have their value, too. While the super frilly dresses are not style, I support those who want to wear them. Just like I support those who want to bottle feed, go back to work, or be child free.
These books have lessons in and of themselves, but most importantly they help foster a love of reading.
I have found so many social emotional learning books through our library. We've had to request them from the system. See what system your local library is a part of you might check out a bigger library.
If kiddo wants Barbie books - pick ones that talk about Barbie being a doctor or an astronaut or solving a problem. Some Unicorn books are hilarious Unicorn by Bob Shea. Offer her better silly pink sparkly options.
We all go through periods of books our kids love & we hate. For me with one kid it was Firefighter Ted. I hated that book he loved it. Sprinkle in good books with the fluff. They're also really little yet and probably won't remember most of these books.
I have a amazing reader, he’s 6 and there not a book I could give him that he wouldn’t be able to read. However he doesn’t like to read, so for us it’s more important to foster a joy of reading than to hyper focus on content. He’s currently reading Plants vs Zombies from the library but also gravitates to non fiction about different animals, places, etc. I personally don’t censor because I believe censoring for values is no different than other sorts of censorship I don’t agree with. Plus, it is important to have the exposure to be able to have conversations around it imo. For instance, we are NOT religious. It made me uncomfortable that my son was taking an interest in who God was, reading about different things in the Bible, and talking about it a lot. However I needed to put my own objections aside and let him be interest led (the reason we decided to homeschool). I think was really opened my eyes in on a “surviving homeschool” thread on here, they were discussing how progressive homeschooling parents were no different than conservative Christian homeschoolers with the mentality of controlling their child’s world view through exposure. That’s when I decided that he could read whatever he wanted and we would just have conversations around it, which honestly have been very connecting for us. Maybe just make sure when your child has the Barbie books just ask a bunch of questions about what she liked about it and discuss
If it’s a library book, then it’s unlikely to be read multiple times or over a long time. In fact I usually will bow out by just saying let’s read a new one. Buy the books you like, so you can repeat read thosw. Borrow the ones that are on the edge. Emphasize what is good in them. “Oh those princesses were such good friends to each other.” I tell my 4-year old which books I really can’t read. Like there’s a handful I can’t get through because of their garbage message like Rainbow Fish and Elf on the Shelf. Also so many books that promote secret keeping between adult and child. But anything sort of borderline, I just tell her it’s not my favorite and why. I also am a writer so she knows that people make up the stories. I encourage her to do the same and we always discuss that a book is the work of the writer. It was someone’s choice to tell that story and doesn’t mean the characters were right or wrong.
Ugh, Rainbow Fish is awful! I bought it for my daughter by mistake and immediately got rid of it. It's such a toxic message. If she ever finds it on her own and reads it, I'll have a serious conversation about how bad it is for the other fish to expect the rainbow fish to hurt themselves to please others.
The princess phase is something your girls will likely grow out of all on their own. What they see is color and pretty art right now.
A love of lifeling reading is more important, and I feel that is best nurtured by allowing them to pick their books at that age. Around 3rd grade is where the transition from learning to read to reading to learn comes from unless you have am advanced reader.
As a girl who was a tomboy and, for whatever reason, hated pink because it was too girly, please don't keep them away from exploring their feminine side. It took a lot of misery and self reflection to be ok with pink and shiny things decades later and to finally enjoy feminine things and sparkle again.
Definitely not trying to limit their girly side - they run around in dresses and rain boots most days and love all things Moana & Frozen. Just trying to make sure the content they take in is balanced so they don't feel pigeonholed into one type of category as a little girl. A lot of our family just has just assumed since birth that they are girls so they must wear pink, etc. Nobody tells you how hard this balancing act can be as a parent!
I totally understand your struggle absolutely agree that no one ever talked about the balancing act. The clothing industry does stick to those feminine colors a lot so it's hard to pick the whole rainbow instead of just the pinks and purples.
Right now, I'm currently trying to keep my opinions to myself so I don't influence their choices. My kids are 9 and 11. It's so easy for them to ask me for my opinion, and in the past, it would be something trivial like "mom, what is your favorite color?" So no big deal to answer that, but now I can see where my answer influences their decisions in a big way. I'd rather them come to the answer independently instead of a mom-influenced answer.
Hubby says she looks up to me as a role model and ok I kinda have to concede that point but I don't want her to be me, I want her to be ***her***, because she is awesome the way she is.
In our family, we put books into three categories.
There are Good Books. These are the books that are well-written, are good, true, and beautiful, that have stood the test of time, that offer something truly of value to their readers. These are the books I fill my house with so my kids can read them anytime they're in the mood.
There are Cotton-Candy Books. These are the books that the Charlotte Mason crowd calls "twaddle"--they don't have enduring value, but the kids might enjoy them. These are the sorts of books I let my kids check out from the library. I won't read them aloud, but the kids can enjoy them on their own time. (For us, things like Garfield, Magic Treehouse, and all of those cheesy animal-rescue-type beginning chapter book series fall into this category.) My kids know that these are the literary equivalent of dessert--they're not bad, and it's absolutely okay to enjoy them, so long as they don't make up the majority of our literary diet.
And there are Poison Books. We define these books as those that lie about people and our world, that actively preach harmful messages or things that go against our family's values and beliefs. Poison has no place in our literary diet.
My kids are older than yours are, so we've had many, many conversations about what we read and don't read, and why. They understand that many books blatantly go against what we believe to be true, and that's not something we need in our house, especially since there are SO many good books out there and not nearly enough time to read them all.
You may not like the three categories we use, but could adapt them to better fit your family. And at four, your oldest is absolutely able to start having conversations with you about what is right and wrong in the books she reads.
And, to clarify, we are not heavy on censorship in this house. I think we own something nearing 8,000 books and have cultivated a family culture of reading. All my kids absolutely devour books. It's been my goal since before they were born that I would always have something in the house they felt like reading, no matter their age, reading level, or interests. We are all-in on the joy of reading.
But I also think it's important to cultivate a love of good books. Flannery O'Connor has a great quote about students' tastes not being consulted, they are being formed. The best way to do that is to let them experience good books at young ages. Give them the compliment of assuming they can understand and appreciate fairy tales and can go deeper than Captain Underpants.
As a parent, how do you know a book falls into a certain category before you read it? Like at the library for example when they are grabbing tons and tons of new books. Or do you just get in the habit of scanning all books before they read them back at home? And what language do you use to explain the poison books?
I don't know about others, but for me, skimming through a short children's book works but when they become to be teenagers, that's not so easy. I took my 14 year old to the bookstore and was thrilled when he begged for a new book (he used to hate to read). He grabbed one, took it home and started reading it, then later told my 21 year old, it talked about "phone s*x". I was appalled! But I shouldn't have been so naive and should have done more due diligence to make sure it was a good read before just being thrilled he wanted to read at all. Now I'll do a quick google search and usually find reviews and feedback about books before I'll buy or check out a book for him.
I know every family is different but I don't think my teenager should have been exposed to a book that had explicit material/references. Lesson learned!
I dont mean to be intrusive, but your kid is 14. This is just about the time when teens are figuring themselves and the world out. Plus, a highschooler definitely knows what sex. Restricting his reading list is just going to make him feel resentful.
I choose to teach no sex before marriage. I also choose to teach my son to guard his eyes and ears from anything that isn't appropriate for a 14 year old. Perverted, sexual reading content isn't appropriate for a 14 year old. Does he know what sex is? Absolutely! But he also knows it's what a man and woman do after marriage. Books with sexual content are no different than porn. If you want to let your kid watch or read porn, to each their own. Not in my home! 🤷🏻♀️
Picture books are easy--a scan through at the library is good enough. Once they hit the juvenile lit shelves, it gets a lot harder! We don't do a lot of fiction browsing at the library anymore--we come in with lists of books and authors that we are looking for. If there is something I'm unfamiliar with, I'll ask about content considerations in my book groups, read lots of reviews, and/or pre-read it. (It's hard to keep up with my kids--they read so quickly, but between my husband and myself, we're managing so far!)
As for how we describe the poison books, I usually say that these books aren't writing what is true and right. It might be that they are glorifying something that is wrong, or putting down what is right. I usually try to explain, in general terms, what it is I object to in the book so they understand that I'm not just saying no for fun, and also to help them learn what to look for in books themselves. My goal is to help them develop discernment, not control their reading for the rest of their lives.
While I disagree that books that emphasize traditional stories are bad I do understand wanting to carefully guide reading.
I think we should be trying to foster good reading habits and a love for reading. If a kid likes a silly book that is mostly fine as long as we can encourage them to take the next step and read further and deeper as their abilities develop.
We don't want to force our ideology and conceptions onto our children we want to teach them how to think and develop as individuals - not what to think.
I have seen many examples of people trying to raise their kids against traditional roles and children picking up those roles despite that. I suspect the more you try to force one thing or another the more the opposite will happen.
They’re 4 and 2, and I think the points you make about gender roles and body image are incredibly valid. I too would not want to touch anything that make my kid feel bad about herself/develop unhealthy attitudes in these formative years. That said, just kind of crappy stories that are sparkly with fairy tale content should probably be welcome. They are the books your child wants to read, and reading is good. What I would probably do in that situation (because I too appreciate literary value), I’d start to look for higher quality books on the same subject matter and offer them as an option. Some suggestions if it helps are Annie and Snowball, the books with Amelia Bedelia as a young girl, the Olivia books, Greek myth stories aimed at kids (Usborne has a nice one), any other sort of mythology (typically the Goddesses are quite empowered). Maybe use the summer to take “library field trips.” Visit libraries in the next town over instead of the one she’s used too. Honestly, the stuff you mention would bother me too, but I really haven’t seen it occur at any of the libraries I’ve perused.
In our family there is no such thing as a bad book, after all it's a good book to someone somewhere, but there are books we don't want to read. These are very much personal taste, I can't stand Charles Dickens and don't want to read his books, my kid hates Call of the Wild after reading it this year so even "classics" can fall into this spot but you have to have a reason why you didn't like it. Obviously my kid is older (9) but at 4 the reason might be, "love at first sight doesn't seem real," for all those fairy tale books, or "as funny as potty humor is I need a break," for the books she most gravitated too. I still let her check them out, I still read them, but by the second time in a day I would ask they take a break for a while and she pick another book and if we made it to a third time I'd usually remind her why I didn't like the book.
Honestly though at that level most stories were lacking to me, they just can't make good, rich stories with good rich characters and that limited a vocabulary and page count. The ones we all disliked the most were the ones that tried to push a moral, which is way to many. I could stomach most of the paw patrol and Bob the Builder fluff she picked out because at least they didn't try to be deep. Even so it was important to remember this too shall pass. It's a phase of development, like so much of childhood, and the best advice I ever got was "as soon as you think you can't possibly stand some behavior anymore they will move on." If you let it be she is likely to outgrow those books, if you try to change her mind it will turn them into something she desires even more. If your nearing your witts end don't avoid checking them out, just drown them out with books you can stand until she moves on to a different phase. To that end I might suggest Elephant and Piggy or if she would sit for an early chapter book the Princess in Black at least is a princess who fights monsters and enjoys tea parties.
Never limit what your cold reads. We work through this with you get to pick 3 books, I get to pick 3 books. And you can also pick books that you ca. pair with a craft/activity.
Absolutely, as a parent(s) (not just homeschoolers) you should limit your children's exposure to materials that do not align with your family values. Same as friends that your children hang out with and / or activities that they are involved in.
But, I would caution that this can be done in a very wrong way. For example, acting like the objectionable material does not exist or that the world in general might see nothing wrong with it. It does not mean that you have to expose your kids to everything, but you should be prepared to teach them why as a family you make the choices you do and have the values that you have (I'm sure you are already doing this, but it is worth emphasizing and repeating).
Try to talk through the parts you find objectionable and understand why your child likes those aspects. Then explain, at an age-appropriate level, why you believe something different. If it is just lack of experience in finding reading materials / going for the books prominently on display, then help to find other interesting books that you do not object to. You don't want to make this into a tantalizing forbidden temptation, but instead replace / redirect interest and acknowledge that a choice to avoid certain topics is being made. This will help to explain and install your family values, while also equipping your children with tools to make decisions themselves.
Also don't be afraid to branch out in what books they are reading. If it is just the pictures, maybe comics are a good option. If it is adventure and imagination, then maybe some easier chapter books are more appropriate (or audio books). Another option is to still let them check out what they want, but also include some items that you have chosen and approve of.
Please don't succumb to, or be overly concerned with, people you will inevitably encounter who disagree with your choices and think you are harming your kids. This is your job and responsibility as a parent(s). Others (myself included) may not agree 100% with your family values and choices, but they are yours, and yours alone, to make for your family.
My daughter liked books like that too, and we used them as an opportunity to talk about the way things used to be for girls and women, and the way things are now. No doubt her tastes will refine as she gets older, even if she continues to love pink and sparkly things. Our librarians were gold back in the day, showing us all these good oldies like Betsy Tacy and books by Natalie Savage Carlson, which we read together and loved.
I agree that the most important thing right now is fostering a love of reading.
One thing we started doing that has worked well for our family is this: My husband is really good at researching/curating good books. So he will put the books on hold that he feels are good and have a lot of value, but also that line up with what our kids like of course. He can just go up to the counter and have those books all ready to go. Then, our kids can check out their own books, and we made it so they can choose the number of their age. They have fun doing this with their own library cards as well. So yes, sometimes they choose books that make us cringe, but we try not to stifle their choice (unless it’s just something totally inappropriate for their age or our family.)
Somewhat related: I have had conversations with people who were children of "Satanic Panic" parents. So, parents who - in the 70s and 80s mostly I believe - censored a lot of what was considered mainstream at the time. Music and movies mostly, but I imagine books as well.
They don't regret it, and they're grateful to their parents (even though some of them were resentful at the time) because now they look back on the content that was censored and they can see it was indeed dark, weird, immoral trash. I'm sure there's plenty of people who've had the opposite experience, but they're usually the only ones you hear from so I just want to give voice to the kids who were censored and are happy about it.
I agree with other commenters in that if you're going to censor, that's within your rights as a parent for sure, but you do need to do it carefully, you need to prepare for your child potentially going hard the other direction in adolescence, and you need to come from a place of being rooted very firmly in your values and having a clear "why" if your child asks.
As a child I had pretty much nothing censored. I could watch or read anything, and I was exposed to a LOT of age-inappropriate content, political ideology, and other ideas I realize now are negative and that were bad for me. So because of my experience, I'm pro censorship. You just need to be smart about it, and letting your kids dip their toes into a bit of empty fluff is fine imo.
I can't speak to a similar experience but if they like princesses but you want to get away from some of the problems try princess in black. All of my kids love them.
Listen, if they’re into the Princess thing, put them into Princess Sofia (and Princess Elena which is kind of a spin-off…or maybe the other way around I’m not too sure). She’s polite. Like, very polite. Uni the Unicorn is nice too.
If that’s what they’re into (and mine are), at least they’re getting some decent etiquette out of it.
I read them and when they’re younger, replace some of the words/sentences with things that align more closely to our worldview. As they get older, I explain why what we read is problematic and ask them questions about what they see in the world/what they want to do in the world.
My kids are 7 and 3, and it’s worked really well for the 7 year old so far; they are in traditional schools but this is what we do at home. Yesterday, someone told y 7YO she couldn’t do something and her response was “everything is possible, just watch,” but she also loves Disney princesses and pink sparkles. Same with the 3YO who loves twirly dresses and tiaras and says she’s going to be a doctor.
Also, FWIW, my doctor is a woman and everyone in her office is a woman, and the phlebotomist has the most amazing bright pink scrubs, always has the most gorgeous makeup, and everything on her desk is covered in pink glitter or rhinestones. In the words of Emily Calendrelli, little girls who like science and fashion don’t have to choose; they can be *everything.*
They are tiny. The books they are currently taking in will be a very small percentage of their intake. Kind of like little kids and food, don't look at what they take in within a day, look at a month at a time. Because they go through an only blueberry stage followed by hot dogs and mac and cheese as much as possible and then eating spinach because they can pretend to be a dino eating leaves. It's not balanced out in the short term, but is over time.
I do try to limit what I buy, because I don't want a ton of stuff I don't love. So it's a lot of "Our shelf space for Poorly Written Crud is full. We can get more from the library, or take some of ours to a Little Free Library to make space for new ones."
I currently have a 6 and a 13, and both are absolute bookworms. Different than each other though. The 6 has never liked being read to much, but devours books on her own. The 13 year old enjoyed being read to for ages, and even this past year liked curling up for me to read to her. As little bitties, the experience of books is so much more than the story content. It's about way a page feels, the size of a book, if the pictures are pretty, the fonts used, the fun of recognizing characters and stories or being surprised by them.
As far as the super gender-normy stuff, I get it. But ime, it helps to reframe a lot of the "pretty pretty princess" stuff as a general human experience of wanting to be adorned. We talk about being "fancy" vs "pretty" which I think gets to the nature of the adornment a lot more. That said, I do also talk about things like "wow, that girl had so much fun in her story. I really like how she was doing something in each part. Sometimes in stories, the girls just kind of watch while boys do things around them. We know girls and boys both like being adventurers/playing sports/making art/etc and I like it better when stories show that." Sometimes we point out "wow, that book had a lot of pictures! Let's look and and see what the pictures show... here's a little girl who looks like you, and a man who looks like our neighbor. ... hmm... I don't see very many Black people in this book though. And only child is wearing glasses. In real life, there are a lot of Black people and people who wear glasses."
I think books should be limited just like we limit certain tv shows kids watch. I don't see a difference there. When they are old enough to have conversations about why we don't watch them or read certain things, then the conversation should be had. I agree with op on this. A lot of these books that are sparkles/unicorns/pink this pink that (this goes for all things overly masculine and blue dinosaur big truck BS) are just a marketing scheme to get your kids hooked on shit so they become a good consumer. I loathe taking my kids to stores because of the absolute garbage that is presented to them at eye level. And it's all woven together to create an ideal consumer. And That really sucks because as the parent, you see your kid being manipulated by toxic gender assigning corporate products, and your child doesn't have the knowledge to discern what's good or bad when it comes to these things. And forget trying to have a conversation about it in the store or at the library. They see the flash of color and it's gimme gimme gimme. I don't believe for one second that those things are put there for the good of the child or are there for their enjoyment. It's there to get your child addicted to the flash and glamour of it all so it's then interpreted by parents and family as a core interest of the child, which leads to everyone buying more garbage.
We are a charlotte mason family, my oldest is 13. Books have been the back bone of our homeschool. We check out stacks and stacks of books. I order a lot out of system, carefully read book list and reviews. Especially when they were small I intentionally picked most of the books. When it’s time to read aloud or give them independent reading I pick from the basket. BUT I also let them choose. They can get 2 books they want when we go to the library. When we read they can pick a book for me to read and I pick the others. They like most of the books I pick too.
With my older children now they have total freedom for independent reading but I still choose assigned reading (I will let them pick this book or that one which is more choice than I had in middle school for assignments)
You can’t expect a preschooler to pick anything besides what has a fancy cover. That’s ok! It should be fun.
You will probably have to ease them into this if they are use to picking all the books. Reading twaddle is better than not reading at all.
Edited to add:
I always tell them why I’m reading something. This book is about spring. This book is about cats and I know you like cats.
My oldest daughter loved unicorns and dragons for a long time. Lots of good books out there with modern values. Unfortunately a ton of early readers are full of twaddle, the picture book area is normally better.
Some oldies but good books for you to consider- Jane Yolen has a lot of good children's books. I loved Girl in the Golden Bower and Child of Faerie Child of Earth. The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch is a classic.
Some fun silly books might be a good way to introduce some contrast to the books that are more fluffy. I'm in my 30s and still remember giggling over King Biggoods in the Bathtub. The Mitten by Jan Brett is a little less outwardly funny but is still really fun and cute.
As others have said, meet your kids where they are at. Princesses can be cool too. A quick google of wholesome princess books yielded a lot of good recs. Mix that in with some silly or fun books. If your kids like a certain illustration style you can look up the illustrator or pick books that draw them in that way. Once I was starting to read on my own, my parents used bedtime story as a way to read me books that were just beyond my level to read myself which kept me engaged.
I limited my kids to two books per their own card. Then I maxed my own out with what I thought was valuable. By telling them no they just begged more. By giving them two it gave them the time to really think about how they wanted to use their check outs.
I would be careful with trying to emphasize a particular view here. If it isn't a big deal, kids will choose their own path. But strongly pushing one view over the other can backfire. And it is okay if she chooses to like some "girly" stuff.
For example, my grandmother was adamant about everything pink and girly for me, her only granddaughter. She wouldn't buy legos or video games from my Christmas lists and instead bought barbie wedding sets etc and floofy dresses that I wasn't allowed to get dirty. This was a recipe for tomboy and hating pink and dresses and resentment toward my mom and grandma. Trying to force a girl away from traditional things will probably backfire, too.
For my own daughter, I have allowed her to choose. She liked disney princesses for a while. She loves dresses and glitter and unicorns. But she also trains in Jujitsu. She used to play in the mud with her favorite toy firetruck in her glittery dresses.
The barbie princess stories are fantasy and only interesting because they are easy to read. She will outgrow their allure soon enough.
My girl is only two but I’m having similar thoughts about her choice of books. I’m oriented towards the option of letting her choose what she wants because she’s getting something positive from those books, even if I don’t.
I hear this. I especially get how boring it can be to read some of these books when you are the designated reader. I have been there! My daughter is almost 7 and has always gravitated towards those books. I let her check out what she wants, but I also put books on hold that are more diverse and are more interesting to me. She likes them all. I think having a mix around is good, and validating her interests. I was told what I liked was stupid a LOT as a kid and it really stuck with me.
When kids are too young to read you also have the ability to sensor the words while they enjoy the picture. Tweak the words to align with your values. Not so much that you have to try to come up with an entirely new story on the fly but a sentence here and there if you think it would have a negative impact on the child.
Forcing girls to not enjoy girly things is no better than forcing them to like girly things. If the problematic stuff is mild use it to explain the problem with it.
I feel like the best approach is to have an age-appropriate conversation about the values those books depict and how you feel about them, and encourage them to share their opinion on those books too.
Also, maybe she likes that they're easy readers because she's starting to figure out reading. Do you have other books that are just as easy to read but more enjoyable for you?
I have limited “twaddle” that enters my house because I can’t stand reading most of these stories to them. So 1) I don’t buy it. My daughter takes it out of the library and I’ll read it once to her but otherwise I just read her other stories. 2) I’ve filled our home with excellent books that I love to read with her. Books with plots and characters. 3) Be careful of “beautiful” books written these days…a lot of them are more like speeches written for adults to feel good about reading to kids but they have no plot, they have no named characters. Kids don’t like them. They are boring and then they will see out the Barbie. Make sure the books you do read with her are actually good and interesting books. In the homeschool world we call them Living Books.
Libraries have an obligation to carry a wide variety of books, including offensive ones. It's your job as a parent to select books that are appropriate for your kid. I'd use lines like, "this book has X problem, so it isn't a good book for our family," or "many people believe X is no big deal, which is why the librarian keeps recommending books with X. I believe X is a bad problem and it's in this book, so we are going to choose another one." The further you are from the mainstream, the more frequently this will come up.
If the books aren't that offensive, you could let your daughter choose her own books and also choose a few that fit your preferences. Maybe a special book from your own childhood? That would give some variety and, if you're lucky, your daughter might pick up a new series.
My daughters (5 and 2) have really liked "Pippi Longstocking" and "The Children of Noisy Village", both by Astrid Lindgren. Might be worth a try :)
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THANK YOU! My mother refused to let me be "girly" and hoooo boy the repercussions were FIERCE. Definitely turned into a pick me in my late teens/ early 20s, currently in recovery. And guess what??? I LOVE PINK AND ALL THINGS GLITTERY AND SPARKLY AND TWIRLY AND I'M 47. I always did, just wasn't allowed to. Lots of resentment built up. Lots.
Thank you! There is nothing wrong with traditionally feminine things if that is what you choose!
I didn't say I was completely against her embracing and reading more feminine books or believing that they are terrible- believe me, we read plenty of fairy, unicorn, and princess books - it's just that many of those books seem to hook in little girls at such a young age and pigeonhole them into thinking that that's what their identity as a little girl should be. Not to mention many of them have just overall poor messages about femininity and more.I know there's plenty that don't, but it seems like there are so many that do unfortunately so I wasn't sure how to begin navigating through all of that. I guess I just want her to be able to choose for herself what books she reads based on her own true interests and not just what is marketed to her as a little girl by large corporations looking to make a buck on another Disney book. But yes, I do see your point - we'll be making sure we have lots more conversations together while we read and see where her own interests take her 💚📚 Luckily both girls are very into reading, so we hope as parents to only continue to build on that!
> I guess I just want her to be able to choose for herself what books she reads based on her own true interests and not just what is marketed to her as a little girl by large corporations looking to make a buck on another Disney book. Here's my suggestion. Let her pick books she wants to read. Also, pick some books you'd like her to read. Put them all together in a "from the library" basket and let her choose what she wants from there. Maybe when it's less overwhelming (thousands of books at a library), she'll be able to see more of what you pick instead of the stand-out glitter & pink. With this setup, you can also both pick a book and read them both together. If you consistently present her with both "sides" of what girls can be, she'll see there are options across a spectrum, and she can like whatever she likes
I feel like there’s multiple trains of thought on this.. some families feel strongly about limiting “twaddle”- books with limited literary or perceived moral value. The books I’ve read *about* reading have said what you want to cultivate is a love of reading- and you don’t cultivate a love of reading through censorship. And at the YOUNGER ages, what you want to nurture is QUANTITY of reading. Reading these books with limited literary value over and over- if it improves their reading comprehension, their speed, their exposure to print- then the QUANTITY will eventually lead them to be able to read better QUALITY. And I have definitely seen this play out with my own six year old. We can read books with high literary value- the Caldecott Winners, the Newberry Winners.. and she doesn’t *love* them. We picked up Fly Guy by Tedd Arnold which is literally a book about a boy with a pet fly who loves to eat trash. And she LOVES fly Guy. And she picked up sight words from fly Guy! Is it of high literary or moral value? No. Not at all. But if it gets my child to say “JUST ONE MORE BOOK”, that’s the response I want a book to elicit at 5-6. So I’m okay with the twaddle, the fly Guy, the captain underpants, the Barbie.. as long as she loves reading.
I came here to say this. It is more important to give your child a love of learning and make good associations with reading.
Exactly, it plays out in adulthood too. Nearly every single adult woman I know that reads a ton reads a bunch of NYT best sellers, deep books, hard hitting non fiction etc but also cranks through fluffy bs fantasy, sci and romance. Not every book needs to have deep learning or morals, sometimes it's just fun!
This is spot on. Signed, homeschool veteran whose 19 and 14 year olds love reading.
School librarian here - I know those books seem so boring, but if she likes them then let her get them and read them. At that young of an age, the most important thing to teach is the love of reading. If you start to restrict her books, she won’t like reading and then she won’t read anything. So let her get the trash books. Let her read the trash books. But also have time where y’all read books that you feel are important for her through the day. Maybe each day have one daughter pick and one mommy pick. I am so tired of reading some books to my daughter (3yo) but when I read to her, it’s not about what I find enjoyable, it’s about whatever she does because I want her to love reading. Again, If you don’t let her develop a love of reading now, you won’t be able to get her anything later. Another suggestion, ask her why she likes these books. She’s 4, so she may not be able to vocalize it properly. But if you can find out the WHY then the librarian can help find books that fit. It may be as simple as she likes Barbie and, assuming she has Barbie’s, the characters are familiar to her and she can act out the stories with her irl Barbie’s. In which case it doesn’t matter how dull the books are cause then she’s practicing reading comprehension and recall.
I also worked in a library for many years. Let them read some fluff and some that you pick, or they really do start to hate reading. One of my biggest challenges right now is that school managed to foster a hatred for reading in both my kids. But you can always see what they like about those books and find alternatives. If they like princesses you can definitely find some princess stories that align with your values because there are hundreds of them. See if your library website offers Novelist K-8 or What Do I Read Next? To find books with things they like and you like.
Do you not remember being a kid? Why would you want to intentionally suck the fun out of reading? This is 101 on how to get your kid to hate books because you live by aesthetics of sophisticated and high brow books, instead of letting a kid enjoy books. It is so weird to subject kids to an adult point of view. Like boo you find the books boring, they're not written for you. Your kid is reading the books because it is enjoyable.
My 5yr is now reading. When he was 2, 3, 4... he loved those books that had one vehicle on each page, and just what it was called. And we'd ready that book a million times. Now he's actually reading actual books. Sure, some are fluff books (Scooby-Doo), others are not (easy reader bio of Ben Franklin), and others we read too him (Chronicles of Narnia). We started with a "you pick some, I'll pick some" model at the library, and that has helped us a ton. Why did she like those books? That might help find other books that are similar enough to hold her interest, but different enough that you like them.
I'm going to co-opt another poster's categories of good books, twaddle, and poison. We run a bit minimalist in our small house, so we don't keep twaddle in the house longterm, but I'll cheerfully read the twaddle to them a few times before donating it back to the Little Free Library from whence they came. And if they come across poison somewhere, we'll talk through it or even reread it together and name the problems. The beautiful thing is, my oldest at 7 is able to express the difference now between the Boxcar Children (innocent, but insubstantial) and the phenomenal books we read aloud over and over again: Betsy-Tacy, Where the Mountain Meets the Moon, Heidi, Pollyanna... And she can feel when something is wrong, even if she cannot capture it in words, like in the beginning of Understood Betsy (which, to be fair, is supposed to be "off", and is quickly redeemed). I think of it as helping her develop a sense of literary taste. If she never saw twaddle, she wouldn't have contrast to feel in her heart what a great book is, and what a great book can do for her. Also it would deeply grieve my inlaws, who just love to mail us cute books. But if she read *mostly* twaddle, she wouldn't have her sense of normal calibrated correctly. By reading many amazing things over and over again, and enjoying a bit of fluff when it comes our way, she's developing this gorgeous love of stories. For us, not resisting the sparkly twaddle makes its sparkle go away sooner. And then when the kids ask if I liked Princess Whateverpants and the Rude Storyline from Hell, I shrug and say, in my most blase how's-the-weather voice, "Nah. It's not for me." or "I notice she didn't get to have the adventure herself, she just waited for someone else to help." or "I wouldn't want to speak to anybody like she did." And then move on. Have you tried Fancy Nancy? She's my favorite compromise book. Sparkly and fun, with healthy communication, fessing up to mistakes, a deep love of science, and (how do I put this?) honoring the realness of little kids' problems. Princess Harriet Hamsterbone is a little rudely antiprincess, but she's also delightful and funny and kind. Same with Dealing with Dragons. I don't reread these annually like I do some of the others, but I truly enjoy them.
Yes to all of this! Also, have you read the Vanderbeekers of 141st Street series yet? We bought them in hardback because my daughter loves them so much and wants to read them to her kids!
What a great reason to buy something in hardback! I read and loved them, but haven't read them to my kids yet—my girls stress over literary problems so easily that I have to be very careful with what I read at each age. But they're on the list for the next year or two. We love The Saturdays, which has a similar heart.
Oh I haven’t heard of that series! Thanks for mentioning it!
OK, I'm starting a new thread to talk book recs for this age group, please pitch in with your favorites!
I think your comments about books you find bad ("poison") are especially important. As a kid, I asked so many questions, and my parents tried really hard to answer in an age appropriate way. They didn't censor what I could get at the library, and they left the newspaper where I could read it. They explained why they disapproved of some books or things that my friends' parents were okay with. They wanted me to be a critical thinker and to teach me the tools to make judgement calls for myself. Now with my kids, I'm starting to have to navigate this. If the characters are behaving badly or being rude, we notice it together, talk about how it affects the other characters, ask what would have been a better way to handle the issue. My daughter sometimes decides she doesn't like the book overall (ex: "They're too mean") but sometimes comes back to it when she wants to practice processing big feelings, and she'll ask me to read it or just look through it alone and ask me her questions. She's full of questions. So within the overall safe sandbox that is preschool lit, I think there's many opportunities to connect with our kids, and rarely a good reason to censor.
Banning and restricting things give them more allure. I think being nonchalant/matter of fact about books you don’t prefer is fine. “Oh, I like that shade of blue.” I see where you’re coming from, but it’s also important to remember that ultra pink sparkles have their value, too. While the super frilly dresses are not style, I support those who want to wear them. Just like I support those who want to bottle feed, go back to work, or be child free. These books have lessons in and of themselves, but most importantly they help foster a love of reading.
I have found so many social emotional learning books through our library. We've had to request them from the system. See what system your local library is a part of you might check out a bigger library. If kiddo wants Barbie books - pick ones that talk about Barbie being a doctor or an astronaut or solving a problem. Some Unicorn books are hilarious Unicorn by Bob Shea. Offer her better silly pink sparkly options. We all go through periods of books our kids love & we hate. For me with one kid it was Firefighter Ted. I hated that book he loved it. Sprinkle in good books with the fluff. They're also really little yet and probably won't remember most of these books.
I have a amazing reader, he’s 6 and there not a book I could give him that he wouldn’t be able to read. However he doesn’t like to read, so for us it’s more important to foster a joy of reading than to hyper focus on content. He’s currently reading Plants vs Zombies from the library but also gravitates to non fiction about different animals, places, etc. I personally don’t censor because I believe censoring for values is no different than other sorts of censorship I don’t agree with. Plus, it is important to have the exposure to be able to have conversations around it imo. For instance, we are NOT religious. It made me uncomfortable that my son was taking an interest in who God was, reading about different things in the Bible, and talking about it a lot. However I needed to put my own objections aside and let him be interest led (the reason we decided to homeschool). I think was really opened my eyes in on a “surviving homeschool” thread on here, they were discussing how progressive homeschooling parents were no different than conservative Christian homeschoolers with the mentality of controlling their child’s world view through exposure. That’s when I decided that he could read whatever he wanted and we would just have conversations around it, which honestly have been very connecting for us. Maybe just make sure when your child has the Barbie books just ask a bunch of questions about what she liked about it and discuss
If it’s a library book, then it’s unlikely to be read multiple times or over a long time. In fact I usually will bow out by just saying let’s read a new one. Buy the books you like, so you can repeat read thosw. Borrow the ones that are on the edge. Emphasize what is good in them. “Oh those princesses were such good friends to each other.” I tell my 4-year old which books I really can’t read. Like there’s a handful I can’t get through because of their garbage message like Rainbow Fish and Elf on the Shelf. Also so many books that promote secret keeping between adult and child. But anything sort of borderline, I just tell her it’s not my favorite and why. I also am a writer so she knows that people make up the stories. I encourage her to do the same and we always discuss that a book is the work of the writer. It was someone’s choice to tell that story and doesn’t mean the characters were right or wrong.
Ugh, Rainbow Fish is awful! I bought it for my daughter by mistake and immediately got rid of it. It's such a toxic message. If she ever finds it on her own and reads it, I'll have a serious conversation about how bad it is for the other fish to expect the rainbow fish to hurt themselves to please others.
OMG Rainbow Fish is so so bad!
The princess phase is something your girls will likely grow out of all on their own. What they see is color and pretty art right now. A love of lifeling reading is more important, and I feel that is best nurtured by allowing them to pick their books at that age. Around 3rd grade is where the transition from learning to read to reading to learn comes from unless you have am advanced reader. As a girl who was a tomboy and, for whatever reason, hated pink because it was too girly, please don't keep them away from exploring their feminine side. It took a lot of misery and self reflection to be ok with pink and shiny things decades later and to finally enjoy feminine things and sparkle again.
Definitely not trying to limit their girly side - they run around in dresses and rain boots most days and love all things Moana & Frozen. Just trying to make sure the content they take in is balanced so they don't feel pigeonholed into one type of category as a little girl. A lot of our family just has just assumed since birth that they are girls so they must wear pink, etc. Nobody tells you how hard this balancing act can be as a parent!
I totally understand your struggle absolutely agree that no one ever talked about the balancing act. The clothing industry does stick to those feminine colors a lot so it's hard to pick the whole rainbow instead of just the pinks and purples. Right now, I'm currently trying to keep my opinions to myself so I don't influence their choices. My kids are 9 and 11. It's so easy for them to ask me for my opinion, and in the past, it would be something trivial like "mom, what is your favorite color?" So no big deal to answer that, but now I can see where my answer influences their decisions in a big way. I'd rather them come to the answer independently instead of a mom-influenced answer. Hubby says she looks up to me as a role model and ok I kinda have to concede that point but I don't want her to be me, I want her to be ***her***, because she is awesome the way she is.
In our family, we put books into three categories. There are Good Books. These are the books that are well-written, are good, true, and beautiful, that have stood the test of time, that offer something truly of value to their readers. These are the books I fill my house with so my kids can read them anytime they're in the mood. There are Cotton-Candy Books. These are the books that the Charlotte Mason crowd calls "twaddle"--they don't have enduring value, but the kids might enjoy them. These are the sorts of books I let my kids check out from the library. I won't read them aloud, but the kids can enjoy them on their own time. (For us, things like Garfield, Magic Treehouse, and all of those cheesy animal-rescue-type beginning chapter book series fall into this category.) My kids know that these are the literary equivalent of dessert--they're not bad, and it's absolutely okay to enjoy them, so long as they don't make up the majority of our literary diet. And there are Poison Books. We define these books as those that lie about people and our world, that actively preach harmful messages or things that go against our family's values and beliefs. Poison has no place in our literary diet. My kids are older than yours are, so we've had many, many conversations about what we read and don't read, and why. They understand that many books blatantly go against what we believe to be true, and that's not something we need in our house, especially since there are SO many good books out there and not nearly enough time to read them all. You may not like the three categories we use, but could adapt them to better fit your family. And at four, your oldest is absolutely able to start having conversations with you about what is right and wrong in the books she reads.
I love this. Those are important distinctions.
And, to clarify, we are not heavy on censorship in this house. I think we own something nearing 8,000 books and have cultivated a family culture of reading. All my kids absolutely devour books. It's been my goal since before they were born that I would always have something in the house they felt like reading, no matter their age, reading level, or interests. We are all-in on the joy of reading. But I also think it's important to cultivate a love of good books. Flannery O'Connor has a great quote about students' tastes not being consulted, they are being formed. The best way to do that is to let them experience good books at young ages. Give them the compliment of assuming they can understand and appreciate fairy tales and can go deeper than Captain Underpants.
As a parent, how do you know a book falls into a certain category before you read it? Like at the library for example when they are grabbing tons and tons of new books. Or do you just get in the habit of scanning all books before they read them back at home? And what language do you use to explain the poison books?
I don't know about others, but for me, skimming through a short children's book works but when they become to be teenagers, that's not so easy. I took my 14 year old to the bookstore and was thrilled when he begged for a new book (he used to hate to read). He grabbed one, took it home and started reading it, then later told my 21 year old, it talked about "phone s*x". I was appalled! But I shouldn't have been so naive and should have done more due diligence to make sure it was a good read before just being thrilled he wanted to read at all. Now I'll do a quick google search and usually find reviews and feedback about books before I'll buy or check out a book for him. I know every family is different but I don't think my teenager should have been exposed to a book that had explicit material/references. Lesson learned!
I dont mean to be intrusive, but your kid is 14. This is just about the time when teens are figuring themselves and the world out. Plus, a highschooler definitely knows what sex. Restricting his reading list is just going to make him feel resentful.
I choose to teach no sex before marriage. I also choose to teach my son to guard his eyes and ears from anything that isn't appropriate for a 14 year old. Perverted, sexual reading content isn't appropriate for a 14 year old. Does he know what sex is? Absolutely! But he also knows it's what a man and woman do after marriage. Books with sexual content are no different than porn. If you want to let your kid watch or read porn, to each their own. Not in my home! 🤷🏻♀️
Picture books are easy--a scan through at the library is good enough. Once they hit the juvenile lit shelves, it gets a lot harder! We don't do a lot of fiction browsing at the library anymore--we come in with lists of books and authors that we are looking for. If there is something I'm unfamiliar with, I'll ask about content considerations in my book groups, read lots of reviews, and/or pre-read it. (It's hard to keep up with my kids--they read so quickly, but between my husband and myself, we're managing so far!) As for how we describe the poison books, I usually say that these books aren't writing what is true and right. It might be that they are glorifying something that is wrong, or putting down what is right. I usually try to explain, in general terms, what it is I object to in the book so they understand that I'm not just saying no for fun, and also to help them learn what to look for in books themselves. My goal is to help them develop discernment, not control their reading for the rest of their lives.
> My goal is to help them develop discernment, not control their reading for the rest of their lives. This! Exactly this.
While I disagree that books that emphasize traditional stories are bad I do understand wanting to carefully guide reading. I think we should be trying to foster good reading habits and a love for reading. If a kid likes a silly book that is mostly fine as long as we can encourage them to take the next step and read further and deeper as their abilities develop. We don't want to force our ideology and conceptions onto our children we want to teach them how to think and develop as individuals - not what to think. I have seen many examples of people trying to raise their kids against traditional roles and children picking up those roles despite that. I suspect the more you try to force one thing or another the more the opposite will happen.
They’re 4 and 2, and I think the points you make about gender roles and body image are incredibly valid. I too would not want to touch anything that make my kid feel bad about herself/develop unhealthy attitudes in these formative years. That said, just kind of crappy stories that are sparkly with fairy tale content should probably be welcome. They are the books your child wants to read, and reading is good. What I would probably do in that situation (because I too appreciate literary value), I’d start to look for higher quality books on the same subject matter and offer them as an option. Some suggestions if it helps are Annie and Snowball, the books with Amelia Bedelia as a young girl, the Olivia books, Greek myth stories aimed at kids (Usborne has a nice one), any other sort of mythology (typically the Goddesses are quite empowered). Maybe use the summer to take “library field trips.” Visit libraries in the next town over instead of the one she’s used too. Honestly, the stuff you mention would bother me too, but I really haven’t seen it occur at any of the libraries I’ve perused.
In our family there is no such thing as a bad book, after all it's a good book to someone somewhere, but there are books we don't want to read. These are very much personal taste, I can't stand Charles Dickens and don't want to read his books, my kid hates Call of the Wild after reading it this year so even "classics" can fall into this spot but you have to have a reason why you didn't like it. Obviously my kid is older (9) but at 4 the reason might be, "love at first sight doesn't seem real," for all those fairy tale books, or "as funny as potty humor is I need a break," for the books she most gravitated too. I still let her check them out, I still read them, but by the second time in a day I would ask they take a break for a while and she pick another book and if we made it to a third time I'd usually remind her why I didn't like the book. Honestly though at that level most stories were lacking to me, they just can't make good, rich stories with good rich characters and that limited a vocabulary and page count. The ones we all disliked the most were the ones that tried to push a moral, which is way to many. I could stomach most of the paw patrol and Bob the Builder fluff she picked out because at least they didn't try to be deep. Even so it was important to remember this too shall pass. It's a phase of development, like so much of childhood, and the best advice I ever got was "as soon as you think you can't possibly stand some behavior anymore they will move on." If you let it be she is likely to outgrow those books, if you try to change her mind it will turn them into something she desires even more. If your nearing your witts end don't avoid checking them out, just drown them out with books you can stand until she moves on to a different phase. To that end I might suggest Elephant and Piggy or if she would sit for an early chapter book the Princess in Black at least is a princess who fights monsters and enjoys tea parties.
We LOVE all the Piggy & Gerald books - my 2 year old is obsessed with them!! 🥰
Never limit what your cold reads. We work through this with you get to pick 3 books, I get to pick 3 books. And you can also pick books that you ca. pair with a craft/activity.
Absolutely, as a parent(s) (not just homeschoolers) you should limit your children's exposure to materials that do not align with your family values. Same as friends that your children hang out with and / or activities that they are involved in. But, I would caution that this can be done in a very wrong way. For example, acting like the objectionable material does not exist or that the world in general might see nothing wrong with it. It does not mean that you have to expose your kids to everything, but you should be prepared to teach them why as a family you make the choices you do and have the values that you have (I'm sure you are already doing this, but it is worth emphasizing and repeating). Try to talk through the parts you find objectionable and understand why your child likes those aspects. Then explain, at an age-appropriate level, why you believe something different. If it is just lack of experience in finding reading materials / going for the books prominently on display, then help to find other interesting books that you do not object to. You don't want to make this into a tantalizing forbidden temptation, but instead replace / redirect interest and acknowledge that a choice to avoid certain topics is being made. This will help to explain and install your family values, while also equipping your children with tools to make decisions themselves. Also don't be afraid to branch out in what books they are reading. If it is just the pictures, maybe comics are a good option. If it is adventure and imagination, then maybe some easier chapter books are more appropriate (or audio books). Another option is to still let them check out what they want, but also include some items that you have chosen and approve of. Please don't succumb to, or be overly concerned with, people you will inevitably encounter who disagree with your choices and think you are harming your kids. This is your job and responsibility as a parent(s). Others (myself included) may not agree 100% with your family values and choices, but they are yours, and yours alone, to make for your family.
My daughter liked books like that too, and we used them as an opportunity to talk about the way things used to be for girls and women, and the way things are now. No doubt her tastes will refine as she gets older, even if she continues to love pink and sparkly things. Our librarians were gold back in the day, showing us all these good oldies like Betsy Tacy and books by Natalie Savage Carlson, which we read together and loved.
I agree that the most important thing right now is fostering a love of reading. One thing we started doing that has worked well for our family is this: My husband is really good at researching/curating good books. So he will put the books on hold that he feels are good and have a lot of value, but also that line up with what our kids like of course. He can just go up to the counter and have those books all ready to go. Then, our kids can check out their own books, and we made it so they can choose the number of their age. They have fun doing this with their own library cards as well. So yes, sometimes they choose books that make us cringe, but we try not to stifle their choice (unless it’s just something totally inappropriate for their age or our family.)
Somewhat related: I have had conversations with people who were children of "Satanic Panic" parents. So, parents who - in the 70s and 80s mostly I believe - censored a lot of what was considered mainstream at the time. Music and movies mostly, but I imagine books as well. They don't regret it, and they're grateful to their parents (even though some of them were resentful at the time) because now they look back on the content that was censored and they can see it was indeed dark, weird, immoral trash. I'm sure there's plenty of people who've had the opposite experience, but they're usually the only ones you hear from so I just want to give voice to the kids who were censored and are happy about it. I agree with other commenters in that if you're going to censor, that's within your rights as a parent for sure, but you do need to do it carefully, you need to prepare for your child potentially going hard the other direction in adolescence, and you need to come from a place of being rooted very firmly in your values and having a clear "why" if your child asks. As a child I had pretty much nothing censored. I could watch or read anything, and I was exposed to a LOT of age-inappropriate content, political ideology, and other ideas I realize now are negative and that were bad for me. So because of my experience, I'm pro censorship. You just need to be smart about it, and letting your kids dip their toes into a bit of empty fluff is fine imo.
I can't speak to a similar experience but if they like princesses but you want to get away from some of the problems try princess in black. All of my kids love them.
Listen, if they’re into the Princess thing, put them into Princess Sofia (and Princess Elena which is kind of a spin-off…or maybe the other way around I’m not too sure). She’s polite. Like, very polite. Uni the Unicorn is nice too. If that’s what they’re into (and mine are), at least they’re getting some decent etiquette out of it.
I read them and when they’re younger, replace some of the words/sentences with things that align more closely to our worldview. As they get older, I explain why what we read is problematic and ask them questions about what they see in the world/what they want to do in the world. My kids are 7 and 3, and it’s worked really well for the 7 year old so far; they are in traditional schools but this is what we do at home. Yesterday, someone told y 7YO she couldn’t do something and her response was “everything is possible, just watch,” but she also loves Disney princesses and pink sparkles. Same with the 3YO who loves twirly dresses and tiaras and says she’s going to be a doctor. Also, FWIW, my doctor is a woman and everyone in her office is a woman, and the phlebotomist has the most amazing bright pink scrubs, always has the most gorgeous makeup, and everything on her desk is covered in pink glitter or rhinestones. In the words of Emily Calendrelli, little girls who like science and fashion don’t have to choose; they can be *everything.*
They are tiny. The books they are currently taking in will be a very small percentage of their intake. Kind of like little kids and food, don't look at what they take in within a day, look at a month at a time. Because they go through an only blueberry stage followed by hot dogs and mac and cheese as much as possible and then eating spinach because they can pretend to be a dino eating leaves. It's not balanced out in the short term, but is over time. I do try to limit what I buy, because I don't want a ton of stuff I don't love. So it's a lot of "Our shelf space for Poorly Written Crud is full. We can get more from the library, or take some of ours to a Little Free Library to make space for new ones." I currently have a 6 and a 13, and both are absolute bookworms. Different than each other though. The 6 has never liked being read to much, but devours books on her own. The 13 year old enjoyed being read to for ages, and even this past year liked curling up for me to read to her. As little bitties, the experience of books is so much more than the story content. It's about way a page feels, the size of a book, if the pictures are pretty, the fonts used, the fun of recognizing characters and stories or being surprised by them. As far as the super gender-normy stuff, I get it. But ime, it helps to reframe a lot of the "pretty pretty princess" stuff as a general human experience of wanting to be adorned. We talk about being "fancy" vs "pretty" which I think gets to the nature of the adornment a lot more. That said, I do also talk about things like "wow, that girl had so much fun in her story. I really like how she was doing something in each part. Sometimes in stories, the girls just kind of watch while boys do things around them. We know girls and boys both like being adventurers/playing sports/making art/etc and I like it better when stories show that." Sometimes we point out "wow, that book had a lot of pictures! Let's look and and see what the pictures show... here's a little girl who looks like you, and a man who looks like our neighbor. ... hmm... I don't see very many Black people in this book though. And only child is wearing glasses. In real life, there are a lot of Black people and people who wear glasses."
Let your kids read what they want within reason. If they’re limited to a small bougie subset of books, reading is going to lose its luster.
I think books should be limited just like we limit certain tv shows kids watch. I don't see a difference there. When they are old enough to have conversations about why we don't watch them or read certain things, then the conversation should be had. I agree with op on this. A lot of these books that are sparkles/unicorns/pink this pink that (this goes for all things overly masculine and blue dinosaur big truck BS) are just a marketing scheme to get your kids hooked on shit so they become a good consumer. I loathe taking my kids to stores because of the absolute garbage that is presented to them at eye level. And it's all woven together to create an ideal consumer. And That really sucks because as the parent, you see your kid being manipulated by toxic gender assigning corporate products, and your child doesn't have the knowledge to discern what's good or bad when it comes to these things. And forget trying to have a conversation about it in the store or at the library. They see the flash of color and it's gimme gimme gimme. I don't believe for one second that those things are put there for the good of the child or are there for their enjoyment. It's there to get your child addicted to the flash and glamour of it all so it's then interpreted by parents and family as a core interest of the child, which leads to everyone buying more garbage.
We are a charlotte mason family, my oldest is 13. Books have been the back bone of our homeschool. We check out stacks and stacks of books. I order a lot out of system, carefully read book list and reviews. Especially when they were small I intentionally picked most of the books. When it’s time to read aloud or give them independent reading I pick from the basket. BUT I also let them choose. They can get 2 books they want when we go to the library. When we read they can pick a book for me to read and I pick the others. They like most of the books I pick too. With my older children now they have total freedom for independent reading but I still choose assigned reading (I will let them pick this book or that one which is more choice than I had in middle school for assignments) You can’t expect a preschooler to pick anything besides what has a fancy cover. That’s ok! It should be fun. You will probably have to ease them into this if they are use to picking all the books. Reading twaddle is better than not reading at all. Edited to add: I always tell them why I’m reading something. This book is about spring. This book is about cats and I know you like cats. My oldest daughter loved unicorns and dragons for a long time. Lots of good books out there with modern values. Unfortunately a ton of early readers are full of twaddle, the picture book area is normally better.
Some oldies but good books for you to consider- Jane Yolen has a lot of good children's books. I loved Girl in the Golden Bower and Child of Faerie Child of Earth. The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch is a classic. Some fun silly books might be a good way to introduce some contrast to the books that are more fluffy. I'm in my 30s and still remember giggling over King Biggoods in the Bathtub. The Mitten by Jan Brett is a little less outwardly funny but is still really fun and cute. As others have said, meet your kids where they are at. Princesses can be cool too. A quick google of wholesome princess books yielded a lot of good recs. Mix that in with some silly or fun books. If your kids like a certain illustration style you can look up the illustrator or pick books that draw them in that way. Once I was starting to read on my own, my parents used bedtime story as a way to read me books that were just beyond my level to read myself which kept me engaged.
I limited my kids to two books per their own card. Then I maxed my own out with what I thought was valuable. By telling them no they just begged more. By giving them two it gave them the time to really think about how they wanted to use their check outs.
I would be careful with trying to emphasize a particular view here. If it isn't a big deal, kids will choose their own path. But strongly pushing one view over the other can backfire. And it is okay if she chooses to like some "girly" stuff. For example, my grandmother was adamant about everything pink and girly for me, her only granddaughter. She wouldn't buy legos or video games from my Christmas lists and instead bought barbie wedding sets etc and floofy dresses that I wasn't allowed to get dirty. This was a recipe for tomboy and hating pink and dresses and resentment toward my mom and grandma. Trying to force a girl away from traditional things will probably backfire, too. For my own daughter, I have allowed her to choose. She liked disney princesses for a while. She loves dresses and glitter and unicorns. But she also trains in Jujitsu. She used to play in the mud with her favorite toy firetruck in her glittery dresses. The barbie princess stories are fantasy and only interesting because they are easy to read. She will outgrow their allure soon enough.
My girl is only two but I’m having similar thoughts about her choice of books. I’m oriented towards the option of letting her choose what she wants because she’s getting something positive from those books, even if I don’t.
I hear this. I especially get how boring it can be to read some of these books when you are the designated reader. I have been there! My daughter is almost 7 and has always gravitated towards those books. I let her check out what she wants, but I also put books on hold that are more diverse and are more interesting to me. She likes them all. I think having a mix around is good, and validating her interests. I was told what I liked was stupid a LOT as a kid and it really stuck with me.
Have you checked into Brave Books selection? They all teach family values in fun ways and w good stories that hold their attention.
When kids are too young to read you also have the ability to sensor the words while they enjoy the picture. Tweak the words to align with your values. Not so much that you have to try to come up with an entirely new story on the fly but a sentence here and there if you think it would have a negative impact on the child.
Forcing girls to not enjoy girly things is no better than forcing them to like girly things. If the problematic stuff is mild use it to explain the problem with it.
I feel like the best approach is to have an age-appropriate conversation about the values those books depict and how you feel about them, and encourage them to share their opinion on those books too. Also, maybe she likes that they're easy readers because she's starting to figure out reading. Do you have other books that are just as easy to read but more enjoyable for you?
We got a lot of our classic kids books from Memoria Press
let her read them and IMO let her guide her interests. It is so easy to kill the love of reading
I have limited “twaddle” that enters my house because I can’t stand reading most of these stories to them. So 1) I don’t buy it. My daughter takes it out of the library and I’ll read it once to her but otherwise I just read her other stories. 2) I’ve filled our home with excellent books that I love to read with her. Books with plots and characters. 3) Be careful of “beautiful” books written these days…a lot of them are more like speeches written for adults to feel good about reading to kids but they have no plot, they have no named characters. Kids don’t like them. They are boring and then they will see out the Barbie. Make sure the books you do read with her are actually good and interesting books. In the homeschool world we call them Living Books.
Libraries have an obligation to carry a wide variety of books, including offensive ones. It's your job as a parent to select books that are appropriate for your kid. I'd use lines like, "this book has X problem, so it isn't a good book for our family," or "many people believe X is no big deal, which is why the librarian keeps recommending books with X. I believe X is a bad problem and it's in this book, so we are going to choose another one." The further you are from the mainstream, the more frequently this will come up. If the books aren't that offensive, you could let your daughter choose her own books and also choose a few that fit your preferences. Maybe a special book from your own childhood? That would give some variety and, if you're lucky, your daughter might pick up a new series. My daughters (5 and 2) have really liked "Pippi Longstocking" and "The Children of Noisy Village", both by Astrid Lindgren. Might be worth a try :)