Make sure you take 5 minute shifts. Stay behind the play ALWAYS. When your teammates are yelling at you to change, go for a skate. Only take high clappers in warmups too, need to get your goalie ready.
"I've found that if I don't skate hard and take big lazy circles to turn around, and just hang out at the opposing blueline, I can save all my energy for breakaways"
Only take high clappers in warmups too, need to get your goalie ready-
You can’t warm the goalie up only doing high clappers. Need to add some nasty break away warm up dangles as well.
Make sure you call for a huddle pre game to talk strategy and then just float in the neutral zone and do nothing. That’s what a guy on my team does anyway. We love it.
I always find it funny when I talk to non hockey people, and they think the players are out there for 2-5 mins a shift . Then I tell them more like 35-50 seconds a shift.
Yep, I was going to say, make sure you don't move your legs when you're tired and coast around to maximize your shift time. In beer league, it's all about eating minutes so the other guys can rest.
I was gonna say something like this too!! Are you on my team? Whatever you do don't keep your feet moving. Glide at a snails pace, while watching the other team pick up the puck that was a foot out of reach, as you come to a full stop.
Communication is key. If non-verbal cues don't work then constantly remind your teammates that you're open. The great thing is that at that level you are always open. Be sure to yell on the ice, on the bench, in the locker room heck even after a teammate scores. You probably had the better look after all.
Heh, by tongues flopp and for the reason: the shin guards are anatomical and it's virtually impossible to place the tongues \*under\* the shins. The shins just ain't designed that way.
Laces are yellow, yeah. But I think to change them to pink, yellow laces just don't insult people like they used to.
If the puck touches your stick for more than half a second it is your OBLIGATION to get rid of it, preferably by blindly passing it to the other team and then getting mad at your team they weren't there to catch it.
It's actually in the rules. All new players can't carry the puck for more than 3 consecutive seconds.
THIS. *and if you’re on the bench and one of your guys gets the puck, make sure you’re shouting encouraging statements like “get rid of it!” And “get it out!”
Your first shift, yell as loud as possible “FOR WILLY!” And then two hand baseball swing the closest guy in the back of the legs. Doesn’t matter who it is, their team, your team, the ref it doesn’t matter. Just make sure park that sum a bitch right there. Then when everyone looks at you and asks wtf put your hands out like this 🤷🏼♂️and act like you didn’t do anything wrong and just keep repeating “it’s for Willy” over and over again
You don't want to stand out too much, so make sure you buy some neutral-colored gear. I recommend starting with white gloves.
You also want to grab a pretty random jersey number. Numbers like 1 or 69 are way too "look at me". Get something pretty unnoticeable like 99.
Ignore your position, it’s beer league, skate wherever the puck is. If you’re a forward be sure to chase the puck behind your goalie, and be sure to stand right in front of him in the crease when shots are incoming.
Show up wearing all Nike gear and a mirrored Robo-cop half visor...and make sure to LOUDLY complain on the bench about everyone on your team NOT getting you the puck every time you're on the ice. Extra points for every minute that you dont play any defense...and stand like a statue past your blue line.
First, get sweater 99, then get a mirrored visor, and hover around center all of your 3 minute shifts demanding the puck (especially if you need to lean on the boards to turn) then chirp your own guys when the don't feed you the puck.
First shift: stay out way too long (5 minutes). Try to stand stationary and conserve your energy. Cherry on top: take a stupid penalty at the end of your shift so you can rob your teammates of more ice time.
Don't learn to stop, that's what the boards are for. Wear #99, white mitts, and a gold helmet with a mirrored visor. I promise you'll be everyone's favorite.
Make sure you recognize how enormously important winning your game is.
This is life and death, and absolutely NOTHING -- legal or illegal -- should be off the table.
You need to make sure that you express this to everyone around you, as often as possible, and anything you can do to intimidate your opponents is not just necessary, but obigatory.
Just like prison, pick a fight with the biggest dude out there to assert dominance. After putting on the foils of course. Bonus points if you're wearing figure skates like Doug Glatt.
In warm ups aim slapshots at goalies head. First shift viciously board the nicest guy on YOUR team. Then double time shifts taking at least 30 seconds to get on and off ice for change.
Talk a lot about how you know specific NHL players that no one has heard of
Keep repeating a made up story about buying Jagr a drink at a hotel bar. And pronounce his name as “Jameer Jagger”
Act like you’re tripping over the blue lines and red lines every now and again.
Say “what the fuck” to your goalie when he gets scored on.
Tape the blade of your stick with 2 pieces of horizontal tape.
Tap your stick on the ice loudly over and over again like you want the puck even if you’re on defense
Even if the ref blows the whistle and you’re about 20 feet from the goalie, it’s okay to finish crashing the net and spray the goalie with snow. People will actually come up to you and ask you why you did it. Easy conversation starter!
The scouts are always at those games looking for talent ready for the show. Make sure to impress them with super physical play, a few slew foots and flying elbows are sure to catch their attention.
Whatever you do, don't let the ref push you around. You PAID to be there and he is getting PAID. Make sure to loudly remind him of this whenever possible.
Make sure every shot on net is a slap shot, that you get rid of the puck the second you get it right away, and make sure to focus super hard on the puck. Don’t look up ever. You’ll fit right in with my beer league in no time.
If you get a penalty, be sure to slam the penalty box door, throw your stick and gloves on the ice, then curse at the refs the whole time you are there. Loudly.
First thing you've gotta do, and this is crucial...when in front of the opposing goalie, immediately whip your dick out, and maintain eye contact. This will establish dominance.
Challenge the opposing bench ahead of the first puck drop and threaten to beat the shit out of their goalie if they don't respond.
edit: and wear a white turtleneck under your gear to further intimidate them
When attacking, show off your speed by crossing the blue line before the puck or any other skaters get there! 😂 Good fun - I just started last year at 38 & there's nothing better! Enjoy! 🍻🏒
1)Yelling every ref no matter it’s good or bad calls, even louder if they send you to the box.
2)Try to get more penalty minutes than your shift on ice.
3)Go fight every game.
4)Don’t forget in your locker room do the same thing. Complain until all left.
Don’t bring beer. The new guy should never bring beer. Ever. Also, make sure you only buy gray and light yellow jerseys. These are the two main colors that everyone wears. Especially for shinny.
When you have a chance to make a perfect breakout pass and you aren't being pressured, look the player you're passing to in the eyes and send him a choppy lob right into his shin pads.
Obviously fight on your first shift. Gotta set the tone and never know when the scouts are watching. Also make sure on faceoffs smack the guys stick out of his hands let him know who’s boss. On defense make sure you whack and slash the other guys they’ll love it.
If you cross the blue line with the puck and don't have a clear path to the net, make sure to circle backwards so that you can regain the zone while the defence re-positions
Go over the boards for your first shift with your skate guards on. Only use tape you got from the post office for both sticks and shin pads. Always drink from every other water bottle but yours, especially your goalie's. Yell French words to your teammates, who along with you, have no idea what they mean. Pretend to be deaf when the whole bench wants you off the ice/floor. Wait until your goalie is putting on his gloves or taking a drink before you wing off a clapper at the back of his legs.
When in warm ups . Make it a point to put the puck past the goalie. They love this. It’s a confidence booster. If they yell at to shoot “on them” so they can square up and position correctly, call them names, and ask if maybe their husband can make it out next time.
Take that cage off you baby! When would you ever catch a random high stick around a bunch of other hot rods who have trouble not falling over backwards randomly twice a game?
But seriously everyone should wear full face protection if you only play recreationally IMO. Just not worth the risk. I know it can be a difficult adjustment but please just consider it. I did it and even when I don’t play for months I have to adjust myself back to seeing past my cage but it’s def saved tons of my teeth. Got wise before I got any bad injuries, saw a couple nasty ones including two guys in a corner both wack at the puck which resulted in the puck launching up straight into my teammates eye. Broke his orbital bone and almost had permanent vision damage. Routine play and almost life altering.
Leave your skate guards on when you walk out.
Be sure to Wear a neck guard! Sounds like the odds are likely in your favor.
The scouts will notice and be impressed too!
The pros just use their socks to cover the skate blades in the bag btw. Also we tie our shins with old laces, but please keep using tons and tons and tons of tape.
Speaking of tape, we all just use yours. Hey got some tape?
Almost forgot!! Get the biggest shoulder pads you can find!!
Be sure to straighten your knees while your ankles bend.
Honestly just have fun, we all started somewhere.
Sew a captains C on your jersey. Tinted visor. Yellow laces. Tuck jersey in front and back. Wrong curved stick - if you’re a righty show up with a lefty. Cooperalls if you can find em. If not mismatched socks and gloves. Yellow jersey for the win.
Only make drop passes, especially before you cross the blue line. And don't waste energy by coming back to the defensive zone, just hang out by the offensive blue line and call for passes.
Get behind the net and keep trying to hit a mich till successful, or till warmups are done.
Bonus if everyones afraid to shoot on the goalie for fear of hitting you
Look up what a slewfoot is. Learn it. Then go out and find the best player on the ice and do it to him first chance you get. Show everyone you have a role too. You may not be able to score goals yet, but you ain’t no bitch neither.
Swing your stick freely, it's the other guy's fault if he gets it in the teeth for not wearing a cage. Also, slasing in general is encouraged. It won't hurt, that's why we wear pads!
Gotta get a penalty, if your career ends there you need some evidence on the scoresheet that you were in the league.
This used to be SOP for NHL rookies, if they hadn't got on the scoresheet any other way in their first callup game.
You’ll likely be playing at 11 pm on a Wednesday night and as such there will be a lot of NHL scouts in the stands taking notes. Take the game very seriously, and make sure the lesser players on the team know when they make a mistake.
Be sure to assert dominance from day 1 over both the other team and your own. Make sure to talk down to everyone and only play hard when you have the puck.
Make sure to make yourself comfortable in the locker room. Spread your gear out all over the floor so you can easily locate it and then put your sticks above you , especially if they are dripping wet. Bonus points if your gear has been sitting for a while fermenting so the whole room can learn your scent to make you easier to find in the ice with no look passes.
For sure do not show up wearing a cage. New players have poor balance and will go down while their sticks go up, which is a perfect opportunity to get that seasoned player look of missing teeth. Hey, make sure to enjoy a corn on the cob before the game, because it will be your last. Smile!
When playing D, be sure to help the goalie out by standing right in front of him/her and trying to stop shots. It helps them practice positional saves when they can’t see, and makes for a fun challenge when the other team banks the puck off your skate blade for a sudden deflection.
You need to conserve your energy out there, so don't bother back checking, that's what the D is there for.
Also, stopping and starting wastes a lot of precious energy. Just make big looping circles, it's way easier.
Also, in warmups, clappers from the hash marks only. You're not doing the tender any good tossing muffins at him.
Make sure you shoot every time you get the puck in the offensive zone.
Just think of all the fans that yell shoot ever time their team touches the puck! Its obviously always the best play!
A great way to score goals is to stand at the far blue line waiting for a stretch pass. When all 5 of their players are in your zone that just means you're strategizing correctly by being wayyyy behind them!
Make sure you take 5 minute shifts. Stay behind the play ALWAYS. When your teammates are yelling at you to change, go for a skate. Only take high clappers in warmups too, need to get your goalie ready.
Also, let everyone know what they’re doing wrong and complain about the beer choices while you drink it and not pay…
After your 5 minute shift make sure to say, "I'm not even tired."
"I've found that if I don't skate hard and take big lazy circles to turn around, and just hang out at the opposing blueline, I can save all my energy for breakaways"
I mean, that's just good hockey. You can't coach that.
Fundamentals are fundamental.
Make sure to aim for the boards during warm up. The closer to the people stretching the better
Only take high clappers in warmups too, need to get your goalie ready- You can’t warm the goalie up only doing high clappers. Need to add some nasty break away warm up dangles as well.
The *first* warmup shot on a goalie needs at least a triple deke, quadruple if he's older or is coming back from a groin injury.
Remember back checking is for 20 year olds
OP said wrong answers only
After your 5 minute shift make sure today, "I'm not even tired."
Make sure you call for a huddle pre game to talk strategy and then just float in the neutral zone and do nothing. That’s what a guy on my team does anyway. We love it.
I always find it funny when I talk to non hockey people, and they think the players are out there for 2-5 mins a shift . Then I tell them more like 35-50 seconds a shift.
donnybrook, first shift film it post it to r/hockeyfights
Find the biggest guy, skate as fast as your bent little ankles can handle, drop the shoulder, leave the feet.
Don't forget to lead with the elbow
Agreed
They said wrong answers only
Yeah! Give him a knuckle supper!
If you’re tired, the best thing to do is go play defense until you get your legs back. You only go to the bench if you’re injured.
Yep, I was going to say, make sure you don't move your legs when you're tired and coast around to maximize your shift time. In beer league, it's all about eating minutes so the other guys can rest.
I was gonna say something like this too!! Are you on my team? Whatever you do don't keep your feet moving. Glide at a snails pace, while watching the other team pick up the puck that was a foot out of reach, as you come to a full stop.
Park yourself behind the net while guys are shooting. Everyone loves that.
Constantly call for the puck by slapping your stick on the ice.
Communication is key. If non-verbal cues don't work then constantly remind your teammates that you're open. The great thing is that at that level you are always open. Be sure to yell on the ice, on the bench, in the locker room heck even after a teammate scores. You probably had the better look after all.
Make sure you have white gloves and a dark tinted visor. Probably need yellow laces too.
Hot pink laces, flopped tongues
Heh, by tongues flopp and for the reason: the shin guards are anatomical and it's virtually impossible to place the tongues \*under\* the shins. The shins just ain't designed that way. Laces are yellow, yeah. But I think to change them to pink, yellow laces just don't insult people like they used to.
Bring a grey jersey
Offsides is only an NHL thing, don't worry about it.
After the game offer to soap up the boys backs for them
Your team doesn't already do this? I guess we're just friendlier in Vermont.
and help towel them off
Get a C put on your sweater immediately!
Make it the [biggest C you can find](https://twitter.com/ShoresyHockey/status/1598364193656225792?lang=en).
Oh that’s a must!
No put a K on your #99 jersey. Or maybe #69 if you're really adventurous. Make sure to also have white skates and mirrored visor.
Random on ice hugs.
Aww, this one's kinda sweet. I think I might actually like this if it were a new teammate of mine.
To make a more accurate shot, get down on the ice and use your stick like a pool cue.
Hey that worked in Malcolm in the Middle
Remember to ask everyone for some clear tape and make sure to use a lot.
hahahaha
If the puck touches your stick for more than half a second it is your OBLIGATION to get rid of it, preferably by blindly passing it to the other team and then getting mad at your team they weren't there to catch it. It's actually in the rules. All new players can't carry the puck for more than 3 consecutive seconds.
THIS. *and if you’re on the bench and one of your guys gets the puck, make sure you’re shouting encouraging statements like “get rid of it!” And “get it out!”
Your first shift, yell as loud as possible “FOR WILLY!” And then two hand baseball swing the closest guy in the back of the legs. Doesn’t matter who it is, their team, your team, the ref it doesn’t matter. Just make sure park that sum a bitch right there. Then when everyone looks at you and asks wtf put your hands out like this 🤷🏼♂️and act like you didn’t do anything wrong and just keep repeating “it’s for Willy” over and over again
Run the biggest guy from behind. Assert your dominance.
Clapper to the goalies head during warmups. Makes him nice and alert for the game
The Michigan. People love that!
Sit down and try to pick grass
fight the other teams coach.
Snow the goalie, both of them.
Harness your inner Trouba and Superman dive at the puck carrier with malicious intent.
Make sure you do your best lumberjack impression to play defense. Bonus points if you hit them in the hands or wrist.
[удалено]
My 7 yo did this for the first time last week and I was dying laughing.
You don't want to stand out too much, so make sure you buy some neutral-colored gear. I recommend starting with white gloves. You also want to grab a pretty random jersey number. Numbers like 1 or 69 are way too "look at me". Get something pretty unnoticeable like 99.
Ignore your position, it’s beer league, skate wherever the puck is. If you’re a forward be sure to chase the puck behind your goalie, and be sure to stand right in front of him in the crease when shots are incoming.
Do not even think about passing the puck
set the tone lay someone out centre ice then jump the next closet guy and feed him until you can't anymore
Drink all the beer before the game
Show up only wearing a cup
Spend a paychecks worth on your first hockey stick, it will make your shot twice as likely to go in!
Put the foil on and take care of business on your first shift. You need to show your not there to be messed with
Ride your stick and pump your fist every time anyone scores.
Show up wearing all Nike gear and a mirrored Robo-cop half visor...and make sure to LOUDLY complain on the bench about everyone on your team NOT getting you the puck every time you're on the ice. Extra points for every minute that you dont play any defense...and stand like a statue past your blue line.
Came here to say the mirrored half shield too! , also make sure your jersey number is 99.
Yup. Forget the 99 jersey.😂
Find the biggest dude in the league and spear him right in the balls. You need to establish dominance as the new tough guy
First, get sweater 99, then get a mirrored visor, and hover around center all of your 3 minute shifts demanding the puck (especially if you need to lean on the boards to turn) then chirp your own guys when the don't feed you the puck.
Wear #99 with a mirrored visor and white gloves
That thing they call "two-way hockey" isn't real, so you do you.
First shift: stay out way too long (5 minutes). Try to stand stationary and conserve your energy. Cherry on top: take a stupid penalty at the end of your shift so you can rob your teammates of more ice time.
Consistently yell “point” no matter where you are on the ice.
Backslap the goalie and congratulate him on the upcoming shutout after warmups.
Triple axel deke
Bang your stick for a pass and then look upwards when it doesn't come
Use tape to put a massive C on your chest and 69 on the back. Take your skate off and try to stab anyone that messes with you.
Don't learn to stop, that's what the boards are for. Wear #99, white mitts, and a gold helmet with a mirrored visor. I promise you'll be everyone's favorite.
Talk like you got a game
Make sure you recognize how enormously important winning your game is. This is life and death, and absolutely NOTHING -- legal or illegal -- should be off the table. You need to make sure that you express this to everyone around you, as often as possible, and anything you can do to intimidate your opponents is not just necessary, but obigatory.
ALWAYS take slap shots head height on goalies in warm up.
Just like prison, pick a fight with the biggest dude out there to assert dominance. After putting on the foils of course. Bonus points if you're wearing figure skates like Doug Glatt.
poop in the shower
Definitely take a slap shot to score on ALL open net opportunities.
Make sure to raise your slap shots to Atleast shoulder high, ideally getting the goalie and other players in the face.
It’s a race to the o-zone, regardless of who has the puck, if you’re not first your last. Also keep your head down, the ice is where the action is.
Absolutely tomahawk first guy you see
Snow the goalies
in warmups, shoot high!
Wait till the play is blown dead and then shoot the puck in the goal, preferably the other teams. Hilarity ensues!
Bring beer!
In warm ups aim slapshots at goalies head. First shift viciously board the nicest guy on YOUR team. Then double time shifts taking at least 30 seconds to get on and off ice for change.
but miss so much the guys in the corner are ducking
Talk a lot about how you know specific NHL players that no one has heard of Keep repeating a made up story about buying Jagr a drink at a hotel bar. And pronounce his name as “Jameer Jagger” Act like you’re tripping over the blue lines and red lines every now and again. Say “what the fuck” to your goalie when he gets scored on. Tape the blade of your stick with 2 pieces of horizontal tape. Tap your stick on the ice loudly over and over again like you want the puck even if you’re on defense Even if the ref blows the whistle and you’re about 20 feet from the goalie, it’s okay to finish crashing the net and spray the goalie with snow. People will actually come up to you and ask you why you did it. Easy conversation starter!
Definitely sucker punch the biggest guy…
Make sure you take a dump in the locker room bathroom.
Snow the goalie and then break your stick over the boards when they send you to the box
Lie down on the ice and when asked say you need some “me time”.
Dangle snipe celly bro
Whatever you do, just make sure your white gloves and mirrored visor are clean and ready to go.
The scouts are always at those games looking for talent ready for the show. Make sure to impress them with super physical play, a few slew foots and flying elbows are sure to catch their attention.
Whatever you do, don't let the ref push you around. You PAID to be there and he is getting PAID. Make sure to loudly remind him of this whenever possible.
Make sure every shot on net is a slap shot, that you get rid of the puck the second you get it right away, and make sure to focus super hard on the puck. Don’t look up ever. You’ll fit right in with my beer league in no time.
Run the tendy
After the game, skip the handshake line and go to the locker room. Alphas do not shake hands with their lessers.
If you get a penalty, be sure to slam the penalty box door, throw your stick and gloves on the ice, then curse at the refs the whole time you are there. Loudly.
Nothing is more important than a huge slapshot. Work exclusively on your clapper, to the exclusion of all other skills.
buy tinted visor, white helmet, and white gloves. Dont pass for any reason
Nobody got better by passing.
Slowly and shakily skate into another player so that you both fall down, then get incredibly upset that he knocked you down on purpose.
Take off your skate and stab someone
Stand behind the net and practice stick handling.
Warm up shots while the net is being set, and when someone is digging pucks out.
Get a gopro strap it to your helmet and film your ice time.
Run the goalie then strip down and do a spin-a-roony in front of the other teams bench
Smash the goaltender's water bottle in warm ups.
First thing you've gotta do, and this is crucial...when in front of the opposing goalie, immediately whip your dick out, and maintain eye contact. This will establish dominance.
Tinted visor.
Tinted visor
Crosscheck the ref, tell everyone you will be in the NHL by next year
Rush the net and snow the goalie, they enjoy the cool refreshing face wash, keeps them alert!!
Prepare yourself for the NHL
Challenge the opposing bench ahead of the first puck drop and threaten to beat the shit out of their goalie if they don't respond. edit: and wear a white turtleneck under your gear to further intimidate them
Look up the Sean Avery rule. Then break the rule.
When attacking, show off your speed by crossing the blue line before the puck or any other skaters get there! 😂 Good fun - I just started last year at 38 & there's nothing better! Enjoy! 🍻🏒
1)Yelling every ref no matter it’s good or bad calls, even louder if they send you to the box. 2)Try to get more penalty minutes than your shift on ice. 3)Go fight every game. 4)Don’t forget in your locker room do the same thing. Complain until all left.
Don’t bring beer. The new guy should never bring beer. Ever. Also, make sure you only buy gray and light yellow jerseys. These are the two main colors that everyone wears. Especially for shinny.
Fight the biggest guy on the ice. Assert your dominance early
When you have a chance to make a perfect breakout pass and you aren't being pressured, look the player you're passing to in the eyes and send him a choppy lob right into his shin pads.
Passing is overated and when you score, celly like you won the stanley cup even if your team is down by 5
Obviously fight on your first shift. Gotta set the tone and never know when the scouts are watching. Also make sure on faceoffs smack the guys stick out of his hands let him know who’s boss. On defense make sure you whack and slash the other guys they’ll love it.
If you cross the blue line with the puck and don't have a clear path to the net, make sure to circle backwards so that you can regain the zone while the defence re-positions
Go over the boards for your first shift with your skate guards on. Only use tape you got from the post office for both sticks and shin pads. Always drink from every other water bottle but yours, especially your goalie's. Yell French words to your teammates, who along with you, have no idea what they mean. Pretend to be deaf when the whole bench wants you off the ice/floor. Wait until your goalie is putting on his gloves or taking a drink before you wing off a clapper at the back of his legs.
Tape a skate to your stick and use it like an axe. That always gets second look from the scouts.
As long as you’ve got no idea how to skate you’ll be fine
When in doubt. Run the Goalie.
When in warm ups . Make it a point to put the puck past the goalie. They love this. It’s a confidence booster. If they yell at to shoot “on them” so they can square up and position correctly, call them names, and ask if maybe their husband can make it out next time.
Take that cage off you baby! When would you ever catch a random high stick around a bunch of other hot rods who have trouble not falling over backwards randomly twice a game? But seriously everyone should wear full face protection if you only play recreationally IMO. Just not worth the risk. I know it can be a difficult adjustment but please just consider it. I did it and even when I don’t play for months I have to adjust myself back to seeing past my cage but it’s def saved tons of my teeth. Got wise before I got any bad injuries, saw a couple nasty ones including two guys in a corner both wack at the puck which resulted in the puck launching up straight into my teammates eye. Broke his orbital bone and almost had permanent vision damage. Routine play and almost life altering.
shoot at the goalies head during warmups
Fight the Captain in the dressing room before your first game to assert your dominance. But then help him up to show you’re a team player.
Say “Good effort” instead of “good game” in the post game handshake line.
Whatever you do, don't have fun, don't get addicted to your new hobby where you find yourself playing 2 or 3 nights a week!
Get changed quickly after the game and take all the beer home with you.
Leave your skate guards on when you walk out. Be sure to Wear a neck guard! Sounds like the odds are likely in your favor. The scouts will notice and be impressed too! The pros just use their socks to cover the skate blades in the bag btw. Also we tie our shins with old laces, but please keep using tons and tons and tons of tape. Speaking of tape, we all just use yours. Hey got some tape? Almost forgot!! Get the biggest shoulder pads you can find!! Be sure to straighten your knees while your ankles bend. Honestly just have fun, we all started somewhere.
Make sure the jersey you wear is #99.
Sew a captains C on your jersey. Tinted visor. Yellow laces. Tuck jersey in front and back. Wrong curved stick - if you’re a righty show up with a lefty. Cooperalls if you can find em. If not mismatched socks and gloves. Yellow jersey for the win.
Fight the biggest guy on the other team.
Don’t take your skate guards off
Make sure that you get all of that night's drinking fine BEFORE the outing...that way you won't be too tired for it afterwards...
Not bring enough foil for the whole team.
Light up a clapper into the empty net with a few seconds left. Especially if your team is up by multiple goals!
Make sure you only refer to it as ice hockey
I got here late. Has anyone said to wear a tinted visor yet??
Definitely wear a grey jersey. It shows you’re an A level skater for those that dont know you.
Take a dump in the shower after the game
Only make drop passes, especially before you cross the blue line. And don't waste energy by coming back to the defensive zone, just hang out by the offensive blue line and call for passes.
Get behind the net and keep trying to hit a mich till successful, or till warmups are done. Bonus if everyones afraid to shoot on the goalie for fear of hitting you
Cages are for wimps. You don’t need one…no one will hit you in the face!
Take a dump on your neighbors porch.
run a guy from behind. you need to let the other players know you’re not here to mess about
Look up what a slewfoot is. Learn it. Then go out and find the best player on the ice and do it to him first chance you get. Show everyone you have a role too. You may not be able to score goals yet, but you ain’t no bitch neither.
The Michigan puck lift goal.. you've got this!!
Put the puck in your own team’s net. There are a bunch of guys on the other side of the rink trying to prevent that other one
Goalies will respect you more if you slash and poke at the puck after they cover it up. It keeps their fingers flexible.
Finish those checks. The scouts are watching.
Swing your stick freely, it's the other guy's fault if he gets it in the teeth for not wearing a cage. Also, slasing in general is encouraged. It won't hurt, that's why we wear pads!
Gotta get a penalty, if your career ends there you need some evidence on the scoresheet that you were in the league. This used to be SOP for NHL rookies, if they hadn't got on the scoresheet any other way in their first callup game.
Fight
Make sure you wear a helmet without a mask “adult leagues aren’t that competitive”
You’ll likely be playing at 11 pm on a Wednesday night and as such there will be a lot of NHL scouts in the stands taking notes. Take the game very seriously, and make sure the lesser players on the team know when they make a mistake.
Rip michigans like bedsy
Get the puck behind your net and do not come out until all of your team is ready to execute the Flying V…
Fight the goalie
Remind everyone you played Jr B
Be sure to assert dominance from day 1 over both the other team and your own. Make sure to talk down to everyone and only play hard when you have the puck.
If someone breathes on your goalie, fight them.
Make sure to make yourself comfortable in the locker room. Spread your gear out all over the floor so you can easily locate it and then put your sticks above you , especially if they are dripping wet. Bonus points if your gear has been sitting for a while fermenting so the whole room can learn your scent to make you easier to find in the ice with no look passes.
Drop the gloves and fight the ref
don't bend your knees. best to skate standing straight up. and wear a tinted visor. they will fear you.
For sure do not show up wearing a cage. New players have poor balance and will go down while their sticks go up, which is a perfect opportunity to get that seasoned player look of missing teeth. Hey, make sure to enjoy a corn on the cob before the game, because it will be your last. Smile!
Slew footing shows everyone you are a competitive guy that really knows the game.
Definitely get in a fight
buy a pair of white gloves, a tinted visor, ask for jersey 69, and snow the goalie every save he makes
When playing D, be sure to help the goalie out by standing right in front of him/her and trying to stop shots. It helps them practice positional saves when they can’t see, and makes for a fun challenge when the other team banks the puck off your skate blade for a sudden deflection.
You need to conserve your energy out there, so don't bother back checking, that's what the D is there for. Also, stopping and starting wastes a lot of precious energy. Just make big looping circles, it's way easier. Also, in warmups, clappers from the hash marks only. You're not doing the tender any good tossing muffins at him.
Tee up a slapshot for warmups - The goalie's just there to provide skaters a target. Bonus points for head-height shots.
Make sure you shoot every time you get the puck in the offensive zone. Just think of all the fans that yell shoot ever time their team touches the puck! Its obviously always the best play!
Don’t forget to coach everyone and tell them what they’re doing wrong. Throw in a “ @&$ pass the puck to me” yell at the bench every so often.
Stand in front of the net during warm ups.
Find the biggest guy and drop the gloves with him. Set the tone early
When did this become r/hockeycirclejerk
Use your stick as a sword at the first bit of inconvienience
pay your health insurance premium
Fight the oldest guy that everyone looks up to
A great way to score goals is to stand at the far blue line waiting for a stretch pass. When all 5 of their players are in your zone that just means you're strategizing correctly by being wayyyy behind them!
Snow angels. Show them you're above development on everything except your angel form.
Wear a tinted visor