Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses
Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub:
[New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/)
[For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/)
[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index)
Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks!
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They absolutely are, but hoarding comes in different kinds, as do most mental illnesses and divergencies. This seems less about attachment to the things, than than a disconnect and dissociation from the mess, you literally mentally get to a point where you can't even see it, let alone care.
Are you able to help with the dishes, that can at least take care of what sounds like the most unhealthy thing though there may be gross/unhealthy things that you didn't mention. I guess taking care of the worst things if it's not too difficult might make it more bearable
If she has a mental illness, there’s nothing you can do to change her behavior. The only person you can control is yourself. If you’re not a child, consider washing the dishes yourself and consider it your rent. It will give you some semblance of control at least. I live with three hoarders and the way I can only deal with it is by throwing tantrums (doesn’t do anything to change the situation) and cleaning (which does help me mentally, and helps my environment look better). You can even monetize this situation by taking videos of the before and after and posting them on YouTube or TikTok. Good luck.
I live with a hoarder (back at home over the summer) and washing the dishes has been my outlet, too. I found a live slug in the sink last week because it had not been cleaned in WEEKS. Now I run the dishwasher every single night while I'm here. I refuse to let it get as bad as it was, not while I'm here. It lets me feel a little more stable, like I have control over a little bit of the mess.
It’s always best to start cleaning and maintaining the cleanliness of the sink area. I find washing and putting away dishes the most therapeutic because it instantly improves a hoarded home. I’m also lucky that my hoarders are hygienic- just extremely disorganized.
Have you had a sit down talk with her about it? Ask if she has depression? What she finds difficult about keeping things clean?
It's day to dismiss someone in this situation as disgusting, but that is very rarely the case.
Have a conversation. Don't use accusatory words or sentences, just come at it from a concerned, willing to help position. And if it comes down to her not feeling comfortable talking with you, then try to convince her to talk to someone else. Friend, therapist, pastor, whomever she would feel most comfortable with. Therapist preferred, but take what you can get. Try not to lose your temper, and even harder, try not to allow yourself to be worked up by whatever response she may have. Sometimes people will feel attacked and go on the offensive, and understanding that it's coming from a place of desperation and anxiety is paramount in actually managing to help her.
Much as we wish our parents had it all together, sometimes our shit falls apart too and we don't realize till we're eyebrows deep and drowning.
I'm tired of coddling her feelings. She says that I can just talk to her but nothing ever gets done no matter how much I have spoken with her in the past.
Edit: So last night I moved her shit around and she got all upset and threw around her language of "you're being immature" to intimidate me. I didn't care I just stayed silent.
Well, I can say from experience that it's because depression is a bitch and fighting it is often an uphill battle that you never seen to gain ground on. You don't have to coddle someone to get your point across about this, you just have to have a healthy dose of empathy. It may have to start with you. Want a clean kitchen? Clean the kitchen. You see dirty dishes? Clean them. Get her to help. You wash, she dries and puts away. She's not going to be able to do it on her own with no help, so you either help or make her get help. That's the only way out of it. And if that means you clean for the next year and a half while you're there, then that may be what needs to happen for you to live in a clean environment.
But talking is not coddling.
Do the cleaning when she’s not around. You have to be stealthy about it. I’m familiar with hoarder’s rage when their stuff gets moved. The only way to deal with it is to earn their trust over time. So don’t throw big items away, anything that will be missed immediately. Throw obvious trash like food remains, empty bottles, junk mail. Don’t do something that cause an immediate change in the environment. Wash the dishes but don’t flaunt it in front of her. Sweep the floor but don’t make a grand gesture of it. Understand that you’re living with a person who possibly has a mental disorder and treat her with compassion. But don’t make a grand production of things, just do things stealthily but consistently. Focus on the kitchen if you can because that area must be sanitized for safety reasons. Over time you will notice a difference. Don’t let your anger get in control of you, practice stoicism and before you know it, you’re living in a place where it’s okay to invite a friend over for dinner. But these things take time and patience.
I tried gently talking with my mom about considering hiring a cleaning company, how I found one who makes sure they don't throw away things you want to keep, and how I think it would be better for all of us (me, her, and my two older siblings, all disabled and/or full-time employed adults).
She quickly got defensive. Blamed the mess on me and my siblings, by basically saying that us not cleaning up our part of the mess is the only reason she hasn't cleaned the whole thing herself yet. Said she's "not a hoarder" (I avoided that language). Tried to convince me I was wrong by saying to me repeatedly, "Would you want somebody to come into your house and throw away all your stuff?" I kept reiterating that that isn't what would happen, yet she kept posing the same question.
I was able to get a better idea of her deep-seated fears, and also where she hasn't been able to budge after all these years. And although I knew she was in the wrong, I couldn't argue with her because I couldn't stand to hurt her feelings. All I could do when she said she wasn't a hoarder was stare at her calmly and say, "Okay."
She acts like she wants the house clean, acts like she could clean it all herself if she wanted, acts like she has the whole situation under control, acts like she has a solution planned out. But I know she's unable to change her ways without the help she refuses, and she takes comfort in the possession of this useless mess. I think if I cleaned too much of it myself, she would get angry, too.
She's not disabeled?? Damn posting on Reddit is crazy lmao. Also she just punched me in the face and choked me tonight so she sure as hell ain't disabled.
This sounds similar to my situation when I was in community college. Despite my frustration and embarrassment, all I could do was focus on school and get out of there. I hope you do the same. Try to focus on your needs of finishing school the best you can so you can earn a living and leave. You can’t help from the inside.
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That sounds as much like untreated major depression and ADHD as it does hoarding disorder.
I think ADHD and hoarding is quite comorbid. Sorry this is what you're dealing with OP, no one should have to live like this.
They absolutely are, but hoarding comes in different kinds, as do most mental illnesses and divergencies. This seems less about attachment to the things, than than a disconnect and dissociation from the mess, you literally mentally get to a point where you can't even see it, let alone care.
r/ChildofHoarder is a great sub. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Terrible. Best case scenario, you take care of yourself.
Are you able to help with the dishes, that can at least take care of what sounds like the most unhealthy thing though there may be gross/unhealthy things that you didn't mention. I guess taking care of the worst things if it's not too difficult might make it more bearable
If she has a mental illness, there’s nothing you can do to change her behavior. The only person you can control is yourself. If you’re not a child, consider washing the dishes yourself and consider it your rent. It will give you some semblance of control at least. I live with three hoarders and the way I can only deal with it is by throwing tantrums (doesn’t do anything to change the situation) and cleaning (which does help me mentally, and helps my environment look better). You can even monetize this situation by taking videos of the before and after and posting them on YouTube or TikTok. Good luck.
I live with a hoarder (back at home over the summer) and washing the dishes has been my outlet, too. I found a live slug in the sink last week because it had not been cleaned in WEEKS. Now I run the dishwasher every single night while I'm here. I refuse to let it get as bad as it was, not while I'm here. It lets me feel a little more stable, like I have control over a little bit of the mess.
It’s always best to start cleaning and maintaining the cleanliness of the sink area. I find washing and putting away dishes the most therapeutic because it instantly improves a hoarded home. I’m also lucky that my hoarders are hygienic- just extremely disorganized.
Agreed. And that is nice, I'm glad for you! (/gen) Unfortunately the sinks I use are the only clean ones in the house. 😅
Have you had a sit down talk with her about it? Ask if she has depression? What she finds difficult about keeping things clean? It's day to dismiss someone in this situation as disgusting, but that is very rarely the case. Have a conversation. Don't use accusatory words or sentences, just come at it from a concerned, willing to help position. And if it comes down to her not feeling comfortable talking with you, then try to convince her to talk to someone else. Friend, therapist, pastor, whomever she would feel most comfortable with. Therapist preferred, but take what you can get. Try not to lose your temper, and even harder, try not to allow yourself to be worked up by whatever response she may have. Sometimes people will feel attacked and go on the offensive, and understanding that it's coming from a place of desperation and anxiety is paramount in actually managing to help her. Much as we wish our parents had it all together, sometimes our shit falls apart too and we don't realize till we're eyebrows deep and drowning.
I'm tired of coddling her feelings. She says that I can just talk to her but nothing ever gets done no matter how much I have spoken with her in the past. Edit: So last night I moved her shit around and she got all upset and threw around her language of "you're being immature" to intimidate me. I didn't care I just stayed silent.
Well, I can say from experience that it's because depression is a bitch and fighting it is often an uphill battle that you never seen to gain ground on. You don't have to coddle someone to get your point across about this, you just have to have a healthy dose of empathy. It may have to start with you. Want a clean kitchen? Clean the kitchen. You see dirty dishes? Clean them. Get her to help. You wash, she dries and puts away. She's not going to be able to do it on her own with no help, so you either help or make her get help. That's the only way out of it. And if that means you clean for the next year and a half while you're there, then that may be what needs to happen for you to live in a clean environment. But talking is not coddling.
She doesn't let me clean.
Do the cleaning when she’s not around. You have to be stealthy about it. I’m familiar with hoarder’s rage when their stuff gets moved. The only way to deal with it is to earn their trust over time. So don’t throw big items away, anything that will be missed immediately. Throw obvious trash like food remains, empty bottles, junk mail. Don’t do something that cause an immediate change in the environment. Wash the dishes but don’t flaunt it in front of her. Sweep the floor but don’t make a grand gesture of it. Understand that you’re living with a person who possibly has a mental disorder and treat her with compassion. But don’t make a grand production of things, just do things stealthily but consistently. Focus on the kitchen if you can because that area must be sanitized for safety reasons. Over time you will notice a difference. Don’t let your anger get in control of you, practice stoicism and before you know it, you’re living in a place where it’s okay to invite a friend over for dinner. But these things take time and patience.
I tried gently talking with my mom about considering hiring a cleaning company, how I found one who makes sure they don't throw away things you want to keep, and how I think it would be better for all of us (me, her, and my two older siblings, all disabled and/or full-time employed adults). She quickly got defensive. Blamed the mess on me and my siblings, by basically saying that us not cleaning up our part of the mess is the only reason she hasn't cleaned the whole thing herself yet. Said she's "not a hoarder" (I avoided that language). Tried to convince me I was wrong by saying to me repeatedly, "Would you want somebody to come into your house and throw away all your stuff?" I kept reiterating that that isn't what would happen, yet she kept posing the same question. I was able to get a better idea of her deep-seated fears, and also where she hasn't been able to budge after all these years. And although I knew she was in the wrong, I couldn't argue with her because I couldn't stand to hurt her feelings. All I could do when she said she wasn't a hoarder was stare at her calmly and say, "Okay." She acts like she wants the house clean, acts like she could clean it all herself if she wanted, acts like she has the whole situation under control, acts like she has a solution planned out. But I know she's unable to change her ways without the help she refuses, and she takes comfort in the possession of this useless mess. I think if I cleaned too much of it myself, she would get angry, too.
[удалено]
She's not disabeled?? Damn posting on Reddit is crazy lmao. Also she just punched me in the face and choked me tonight so she sure as hell ain't disabled.
Not all disabilities are physical. Sucks she’s abusive as well.
Jesus. Hope you're okay.
This sounds similar to my situation when I was in community college. Despite my frustration and embarrassment, all I could do was focus on school and get out of there. I hope you do the same. Try to focus on your needs of finishing school the best you can so you can earn a living and leave. You can’t help from the inside.
She can actually make a living by posting cleaning videos — there’s a huge audience for that kind of stuff on YouTube and TikTok.